Ever feel like midlife disappointment means you did something wrong—or that it’s too late to recover?
You’re not alone. Many people silently carry the shame of unmet expectations, broken relationships, or careers that stalled.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
- Why anxiety and shame are natural responses to midlife setbacks—and how to work with them
- How to use emotional processing and acceptance as real coping skills
- Why asking “Who am I now?” is the question that opens the door to growth and calm
Take 12 minutes to calm your anxiety and reclaim your story—you’re worth it.
****
About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.
Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:09):
In this episode, you'll discover why
midlife disappointments cut sodeep and how to not let them
define you and how to not letthem define you.
Welcome to the podcast.
On Monday, we talked about thesneaky mindset that can begin to
take root in midlife.
(00:30):
I am not.
On Monday, we talked.
On Monday, we talked about thesneaky mindset that can begin to
take root in midlife.
I'm not, I'm not healthy enough.
I'm not successful enough, I'mnot enough.
Today's follow-up episodeexplores the real midlife
(00:53):
experiences that deliver thismessage in painful concrete
ways.
I'm not getting the promotion.
I'm not gonna stay married or ina relationship.
I am not gonna stay married orin a relationship with a
long-term friend or even one ofmy children, I'm not going to be
free of financial stress.
(01:15):
These disappointments can bebrutal and if not processed in a
healthy way, they can set off inan emotional cycle that affects
you for the rest of your life.
In today's episode, you'lldiscover how to break the
emotional cycle that so oftenfollows in midlife hurt.
That so often followsdisappointment in midlife hurt,
(01:37):
anger, hopelessness, and shame.
In today's episode, you'lldiscover how to break the
emotional.
In today's episode, you'lldiscover how to break the
emotional cycle that so off thatso often follows disappointment
in midlife, the hurt.
(01:58):
Anger, hopelessness, and shame.
I'll help you move from, I'llhelp you move from the
disorienting question.
I'll help you move from thedisorienting question, who am I
now?
Toward a broader perspective,one that leads to acceptance,
identity growth, and even newopportunities.
(02:19):
But first, let's check in onMonday's inner challenge.
But first, let's check in onMonday's Inner Challenge where I
asked you to observe people inyour life and how they age.
What did you notice?
Who's aging in a way you admire,and what are they doing
differently?
Who seems stuck?
(02:40):
And what would you like to do toavoid it?
And what would you like toavoid?
Who seems stuck?
And what would you like toavoid?
This reflection matters becausemidlife often forces us to
(03:01):
confront the painful gap betweenwhat we thought life would look
like and what it actually is,which brings us to today's focus
disappointment.
(03:37):
Mid life's disappointments carryextra emotional weight, not
getting the promotion.
Going through a divorce, adultchildren struggling or cutting
ties, ongoing financial stress.
These aren't just externalsetbacks.
They challenge your identity andhighlight that time may be
(03:57):
running out.
Of course, we all.
Of course, everyone prefers whenthings go their way, but in
American culture, we're taughtfrom a young age to dream big,
think positive, and visualizesuccess and visualize success.
(04:17):
That wiring creates mentalmodels of how life is supposed
to go.
In psychology.
This is called prospection, thebrain's tendency to imagine and
plan for future outcomes.
In my work, I've seen howprospection can become.
(04:38):
In my work, I've seen howprospection can become a coping
strategy, especially for anxiousindividuals trying to calm your
fear of uncertainty.
But here's the problem.
When life doesn't go asimagined, prospection can turn
on you, making you feel like youfailed, making you feel like you
(05:02):
failed the life you weresupposed to live.
It is the mere image ofprospection is the mere image of
negativity bias, nothyper-focusing on what's wrong,
but becoming overly attached tohow things were supposed to turn
(05:24):
out in a culture that equatessuccess with worth.
In a culture that equatessuccess with worth
disappointment, doesn't justfeel like a setback.
It feels like a personalfailure.
(05:44):
It can be helpful to noticewhere disappointment shows up in
your body.
For you, it might be a tightchest for others.
For others, clenching theirfist.
Sometimes it's a drop in energy,a flushed face of embarrassment.
Let your body be a clue thatsomething needs tending, not
(06:06):
hiding.
Because often when you aredisappointed, a shame spiral is
close behind, and this is whereit gets especially painful when
life doesn't follow your script.
You don't feel justdisappointed.
You might feel angry or evenlike you've been betrayed.
(06:29):
And underneath all of that.
Often lies shame.
I've seen this play outcountless times in therapy.
Years ago, a client expected tobe promoted after a full year of
mentorship.
Instead, the company launched anational.
Instead, the company launched anational search without warning,
(06:51):
she was blindsided.
Her boss confirmed the decisionwithout remorse, and she left
the meeting and she left theirmeeting feeling numb.
Angry, embarrassed, hurt andfearful.
The be the betrayal wasn't justprofessional.
It struck at her sense of worth.
(07:12):
There's no quick fix for thiskind of disappointment, but when
it's not addressed, it festers.
She spent the next nine monthsin therapy working to reclaim
her belief in herself and herfuture.
Because disappointment,destabilizes, emotional
regulation.
(07:32):
One of the first signs is blame.
They're terrible people.
Or denial, or perhaps denial.
No or denial.
I didn't really want it.
Anyways, a little of that can beprotective, but too much keeps
you stuck.
(07:52):
And here's the part, no oneprepares you for big midlife
disappointments often drop youinto a deep existential
question, who am I now at a timewhen you least expected to be
asking it.
That's why the first copingskill is doing your emotional
work.
(08:13):
If the disappointment issignificant, therapy is
invaluable.
Therapy can be invaluable.
Friends may rally around youranger, but therapy gives you
space for your full range ofemotions.
Eventually, those emotionsbecome part of your experience,
but not your defining narrative.
(08:37):
Working through midlifedisappointment often includes
shame work.
Shame says, I'm not good enough.
Shame says.
I'm not good enough, andrejection will often tap into
that old belief and rejectionwill often tap into that old
belief.
(08:57):
It's painful and it a very, andrejection will often tap into
that old belief.
It's painful and it's oftentraces back to childhood.
You want.
You may want to numb it or rushpast it, but the only way out is
(09:20):
through one client.
One client was devastated whenhis wife abruptly left and
remarried.
He coped by turning to hisfriend Jack.
Jack Daniels until his childgently asked him to talk to
someone, until his child bravelyand gently asked him to talk to
(09:42):
someone.
He started therapy.
Words were really hard for him,but gradually he began to name
his grief and admit that thequestion, who am I now, was
haunting him.
Over time, it became his guide.
He began to see opportunitywithin the loss.
(10:02):
Not just heartbreak, but growth.
As unsettling as it is thatquestion?
No, no.
Give yourself time to do youremotional work.
It's messy, but eventually itcan be invigorating.
(10:24):
And doing this work helps youshift out of the shame spiral
and into the next coping skillwhere you take a small but
important step forward.
In coping skill number two,practicing acceptance.
(10:48):
Acceptance doesn't mean givingup.
It means making space forreality without tying your
identity to It means makingspace for reality without tying
your identity to every loss.
It's the skill of zooming outfrom the moment of pain, the
moment of loss, the moment ofdisappointment.
(11:09):
To the broader map of your life.
And yes, practice is the rightword here because acceptance
rarely comes all at once.
You learn it gradually, you,you'll learn it gradually by
showing up for it.
Over and over and over again.
One of the best tools here isactively challenging the
(11:30):
narrative.
Your brain is spinning.
Ask yourself, is it possiblethere were factors beyond my
control?
Could this disappointment havenothing to do with my worth?
What else might this make spacefor?
A co.
A couple came to therapy afterbeing cut off by their, A couple
(11:51):
came to therapy after being cutoff by their adult child due to
political arguments.
They had said hurtful things.
They had said some reallyhurtful things.
They reached out and apologized,but had received only silence in
return.
After, after a half year ofstewing and blaming, they sat
(12:16):
with each other and asked, whohave we become?
They saw how their life hadbecome 75% virtual.
Their tv, always on their focus,almost entirely political.
Something that would've neverbeen the case 15 years before
they shifted.
No.
(12:36):
They came to therapy a bit lostand confused, but said, we are
off track and we have to getback to a better place.
They shifted.
They began volunteering, goingto the gym, engaging in real
life.
Again, through to my knowledge,the relationship has never been
(12:57):
repaired, but their inner worldwas, as the wife said in our
final session.
Well, I guess we're living inreality.
Again, I think of that as postgrowth disappointment.
They moved from, I failed to,this didn't go the way I
planned, but maybe it's not theend of the story.
(13:21):
They learned to carry greatdisappointment, great heartache,
as well as they learn to carrygreat disappointment in
themselves.
They learned to carry greatdisappointment in themself.
They learned to carry theheartache of not having a
relationship with their adultchild, but they also learned how
(13:44):
to carry all of that whileliving a fairly while living a
vital and positive life.
And from that place of greateracceptance, a new question often
arises, not one of defeat, butone of potential.
Who am I now?
(14:07):
Coping Skill number three is askand keep asking, who am I now?
This is the core identity shiftof midlife and it's often the
question we resist the most.
When you, when you lose a role,a relationship, or a vision of
your future, your identity canfeel like it's crumbling.
(14:29):
In fact, it actually may becrumbling, but that crumbling
often creates space forsomething deeper to emerge.
Ask and keep asking, who am Inow?
Not as a cry of despair, but asa quiet, powerful invitation.
You're not rebuilding your oldidentity, you're evolving it.
(14:53):
You're evolving it into someonewho lives with greater truth,
honesty, and resilience withlife as it is, not as it's
supposed to be.
Here's the hard truth.
Some things amid life can't befixed, but they can be faced and
(15:15):
sometimes they open doors younever would've considered
otherwise.
New relationships, new careers.
A healthier you deeper empathy,a bit more humility or simply a
more grounded version ofyourself.
Sometimes these really heart,sometimes.
(15:38):
And often a realignment of yourvalues.
This doesn't happen overnight,but people who age with re, but
people who age with resiliencearen't those who avoid
disappointment.
They're the ones who learn howto process it without turning it
(15:58):
on themselves.
After all, Jack was a veryfaithful listener, but not the
best therapist.
In this episode I.
In this episode.
(16:22):
In this episode, you discoveredhow midlife disappointment.
Often triggers lots ofuncomfortable emotions and how
the brain's desire to predictthe future can make rejection
feel like a failure.
And three, coping skills do youremotional work.
Practicing acceptance and askingwho am I now can help you, can
(16:45):
help you move towards healing,growth, and new opportunities.
You are not broken becausesomething didn't work out.
You're human.
You may not have chosen thedisappointment, you may not have
chosen the disappointment, butyou get to choose what comes
next, and that's where youragency and power is.
(17:07):
If this episode spoke to you,please consider leaving a review
or sharing it with someone who'snavigating their own midlife
disappointment.
Thanks for listening, and I'llbe back on Monday with creating
and I'll be back on Monday withmore creating midlife calm.
In this episode, you'll discover why
midlife disappointments cut sodeep and how to not let them
define you and how to not letthem define you.
Welcome to the podcast.
On Monday, we talked about thesneaky mindset that can begin to
take root in midlife.
(00:30):
I am not.
On Monday, we talked.
On Monday, we talked about thesneaky mindset that can begin to
take root in midlife.
I'm not, I'm not healthy enough.
I'm not successful enough, I'mnot enough.
Today's follow-up episodeexplores the real midlife
(00:53):
experiences that deliver thismessage in painful concrete
ways.
I'm not getting the promotion.
I'm not gonna stay married or ina relationship.
I am not gonna stay married orin a relationship with a
long-term friend or even one ofmy children, I'm not going to be
free of financial stress.
(01:15):
These disappointments can bebrutal and if not processed in a
healthy way, they can set off inan emotional cycle that affects
you for the rest of your life.
In today's episode, you'lldiscover how to break the
emotional cycle that so oftenfollows in midlife hurt.
That so often followsdisappointment in midlife hurt,
(01:37):
anger, hopelessness, and shame.
In today's episode, you'lldiscover how to break the
emotional.
In today's episode, you'lldiscover how to break the
emotional cycle that so off thatso often follows disappointment
in midlife, the hurt.
(01:58):
Anger, hopelessness, and shame.
I'll help you move from, I'llhelp you move from the
disorienting question.
I'll help you move from thedisorienting question, who am I
now?
Toward a broader perspective,one that leads to acceptance,
identity growth, and even newopportunities.
(02:19):
But first, let's check in onMonday's inner challenge.
But first, let's check in onMonday's Inner Challenge where I
asked you to observe people inyour life and how they age.
What did you notice?
Who's aging in a way you admire,and what are they doing
differently?
Who seems stuck?
(02:40):
And what would you like to do toavoid it?
And what would you like toavoid?
Who seems stuck?
And what would you like toavoid?
This reflection matters becausemidlife often forces us to
(03:01):
confront the painful gap betweenwhat we thought life would look
like and what it actually is,which brings us to today's focus
disappointment.
(03:37):
Mid life's disappointments carryextra emotional weight, not
getting the promotion.
Going through a divorce, adultchildren struggling or cutting
ties, ongoing financial stress.
These aren't just externalsetbacks.
They challenge your identity andhighlight that time may be
(03:57):
running out.
Of course, we all.
Of course, everyone prefers whenthings go their way, but in
American culture, we're taughtfrom a young age to dream big,
think positive, and visualizesuccess and visualize success.
(04:17):
That wiring creates mentalmodels of how life is supposed
to go.
In psychology.
This is called prospection, thebrain's tendency to imagine and
plan for future outcomes.
In my work, I've seen howprospection can become.
(04:38):
In my work, I've seen howprospection can become a coping
strategy, especially for anxiousindividuals trying to calm your
fear of uncertainty.
But here's the problem.
When life doesn't go asimagined, prospection can turn
on you, making you feel like youfailed, making you feel like you
(05:02):
failed the life you weresupposed to live.
It is the mere image ofprospection is the mere image of
negativity bias, nothyper-focusing on what's wrong,
but becoming overly attached tohow things were supposed to turn
(05:24):
out in a culture that equatessuccess with worth.
In a culture that equatessuccess with worth
disappointment, doesn't justfeel like a setback.
It feels like a personalfailure.
(05:44):
It can be helpful to noticewhere disappointment shows up in
your body.
For you, it might be a tightchest for others.
For others, clenching theirfist.
Sometimes it's a drop in energy,a flushed face of embarrassment.
Let your body be a clue thatsomething needs tending, not
(06:06):
hiding.
Because often when you aredisappointed, a shame spiral is
close behind, and this is whereit gets especially painful when
life doesn't follow your script.
You don't feel justdisappointed.
You might feel angry or evenlike you've been betrayed.
(06:29):
And underneath all of that.
Often lies shame.
I've seen this play outcountless times in therapy.
Years ago, a client expected tobe promoted after a full year of
mentorship.
Instead, the company launched anational.
Instead, the company launched anational search without warning,
(06:51):
she was blindsided.
Her boss confirmed the decisionwithout remorse, and she left
the meeting and she left theirmeeting feeling numb.
Angry, embarrassed, hurt andfearful.
The be the betrayal wasn't justprofessional.
It struck at her sense of worth.
(07:12):
There's no quick fix for thiskind of disappointment, but when
it's not addressed, it festers.
She spent the next nine monthsin therapy working to reclaim
her belief in herself and herfuture.
Because disappointment,destabilizes, emotional
regulation.
(07:32):
One of the first signs is blame.
They're terrible people.
Or denial, or perhaps denial.
No or denial.
I didn't really want it.
Anyways, a little of that can beprotective, but too much keeps
you stuck.
(07:52):
And here's the part, no oneprepares you for big midlife
disappointments often drop youinto a deep existential
question, who am I now at a timewhen you least expected to be
asking it.
That's why the first copingskill is doing your emotional
work.
(08:13):
If the disappointment issignificant, therapy is
invaluable.
Therapy can be invaluable.
Friends may rally around youranger, but therapy gives you
space for your full range ofemotions.
Eventually, those emotionsbecome part of your experience,
but not your defining narrative.
(08:37):
Working through midlifedisappointment often includes
shame work.
Shame says, I'm not good enough.
Shame says.
I'm not good enough, andrejection will often tap into
that old belief and rejectionwill often tap into that old
belief.
(08:57):
It's painful and it a very, andrejection will often tap into
that old belief.
It's painful and it's oftentraces back to childhood.
You want.
You may want to numb it or rushpast it, but the only way out is
(09:20):
through one client.
One client was devastated whenhis wife abruptly left and
remarried.
He coped by turning to hisfriend Jack.
Jack Daniels until his childgently asked him to talk to
someone, until his child bravelyand gently asked him to talk to
(09:42):
someone.
He started therapy.
Words were really hard for him,but gradually he began to name
his grief and admit that thequestion, who am I now, was
haunting him.
Over time, it became his guide.
He began to see opportunitywithin the loss.
(10:02):
Not just heartbreak, but growth.
As unsettling as it is thatquestion?
No, no.
Give yourself time to do youremotional work.
It's messy, but eventually itcan be invigorating.
(10:24):
And doing this work helps youshift out of the shame spiral
and into the next coping skillwhere you take a small but
important step forward.
In coping skill number two,practicing acceptance.
(10:48):
Acceptance doesn't mean givingup.
It means making space forreality without tying your
identity to It means makingspace for reality without tying
your identity to every loss.
It's the skill of zooming outfrom the moment of pain, the
moment of loss, the moment ofdisappointment.
(11:09):
To the broader map of your life.
And yes, practice is the rightword here because acceptance
rarely comes all at once.
You learn it gradually, you,you'll learn it gradually by
showing up for it.
Over and over and over again.
One of the best tools here isactively challenging the
(11:30):
narrative.
Your brain is spinning.
Ask yourself, is it possiblethere were factors beyond my
control?
Could this disappointment havenothing to do with my worth?
What else might this make spacefor?
A co.
A couple came to therapy afterbeing cut off by their, A couple
(11:51):
came to therapy after being cutoff by their adult child due to
political arguments.
They had said hurtful things.
They had said some reallyhurtful things.
They reached out and apologized,but had received only silence in
return.
After, after a half year ofstewing and blaming, they sat
(12:16):
with each other and asked, whohave we become?
They saw how their life hadbecome 75% virtual.
Their tv, always on their focus,almost entirely political.
Something that would've neverbeen the case 15 years before
they shifted.
No.
(12:36):
They came to therapy a bit lostand confused, but said, we are
off track and we have to getback to a better place.
They shifted.
They began volunteering, goingto the gym, engaging in real
life.
Again, through to my knowledge,the relationship has never been
(12:57):
repaired, but their inner worldwas, as the wife said in our
final session.
Well, I guess we're living inreality.
Again, I think of that as postgrowth disappointment.
They moved from, I failed to,this didn't go the way I
planned, but maybe it's not theend of the story.
(13:21):
They learned to carry greatdisappointment, great heartache,
as well as they learn to carrygreat disappointment in
themselves.
They learned to carry greatdisappointment in themself.
They learned to carry theheartache of not having a
relationship with their adultchild, but they also learned how
(13:44):
to carry all of that whileliving a fairly while living a
vital and positive life.
And from that place of greateracceptance, a new question often
arises, not one of defeat, butone of potential.
Who am I now?
(14:07):
Coping Skill number three is askand keep asking, who am I now?
This is the core identity shiftof midlife and it's often the
question we resist the most.
When you, when you lose a role,a relationship, or a vision of
your future, your identity canfeel like it's crumbling.
(14:29):
In fact, it actually may becrumbling, but that crumbling
often creates space forsomething deeper to emerge.
Ask and keep asking, who am Inow?
Not as a cry of despair, but asa quiet, powerful invitation.
You're not rebuilding your oldidentity, you're evolving it.
(14:53):
You're evolving it into someonewho lives with greater truth,
honesty, and resilience withlife as it is, not as it's
supposed to be.
Here's the hard truth.
Some things amid life can't befixed, but they can be faced and
(15:15):
sometimes they open doors younever would've considered
otherwise.
New relationships, new careers.
A healthier you deeper empathy,a bit more humility or simply a
more grounded version ofyourself.
Sometimes these really heart,sometimes.
(15:38):
And often a realignment of yourvalues.
This doesn't happen overnight,but people who age with re, but
people who age with resiliencearen't those who avoid
disappointment.
They're the ones who learn howto process it without turning it
(15:58):
on themselves.
After all, Jack was a veryfaithful listener, but not the
best therapist.
In this episode I.
In this episode.
(16:22):
In this episode, you discoveredhow midlife disappointment.
Often triggers lots ofuncomfortable emotions and how
the brain's desire to predictthe future can make rejection
feel like a failure.
And three, coping skills do youremotional work.
Practicing acceptance and askingwho am I now can help you, can
(16:45):
help you move towards healing,growth, and new opportunities.
You are not broken becausesomething didn't work out.
You're human.
You may not have chosen thedisappointment, you may not have
chosen the disappointment, butyou get to choose what comes
next, and that's where youragency and power is.
(17:07):
If this episode spoke to you,please consider leaving a review
or sharing it with someone who'snavigating their own midlife
disappointment.
Thanks for listening, and I'llbe back on Monday with creating
and I'll be back on Monday withmore creating midlife calm.
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