Are you feeling lonely this 4th of July—even surrounded by others?
Modern self-awareness may be fueling your midlife loneliness more than you think.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
1. Why midlife loneliness is often rooted in disconnection, not solitude
2. How introspection tied to tradition once protected us from isolation
3. A new perspective that helps you reconnect with both your values and the people you love to foster a sense of belonging
Ready to reflect differently this holiday?
Join me for a timely look at how loneliness might be trying to teach us something—and how you can use it to build bridges, not walls.
****
About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.
Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll----discover how
to turn your self-awareness intoa source of connection, not
loneliness.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
(00:20):
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
Happy 4th of July week, or isit?
A few months ago, I released anepisode on midlife loneliness.
(00:41):
Within a half a day, it had arecord number of listeners.
To be honest, I was surprisedand deeply moved.
Or should I say troubled?
Since then, thanks to many ofyou, I've not only been reading
and listening more aboutloneliness, but walking through
my day-to-day life with a newlens, trying to understand what
(01:02):
loneliness really means at thispoint in our lives and how we
might build a bridge out of it.
In this episode, you'll discoverthe fruits of all of this
reflection of mine And howloneliness may have more to do
with our cultural emphasis onself-awareness than you think,
and how a new idea, I'm callingselfspection could help you
(01:26):
reconnect.
Where it matters the most.
Now, don't hit pause.
Stay with me because today I'mnot asking you to celebrate
independence, but rather ourinterdependence.
And to do that, we may need tolook at our loneliness, not as
the problem, but as thebeginning of the solution.
(01:47):
You still with me?
Good.
Let's begin.
We used to think of lonelinessas something that happened to an
85-year-old grandparent alone intheir apartment, but that's not
what caused the US surgeonGeneral in 2023 to declare
loneliness a public healthcrisis.
He said that loneliness isn'tabout being alone.
(02:08):
It's about feeling unseen anddisconnected.
Take that in.
Loneliness is not about beingalone.
It's about not being seen.
Here's the twist.
In a world where each of us canhave a voice, a podcast, a blog,
a Facebook post, we are lonelierthan ever.
(02:29):
Yes, we are.
Just yesterday, I was at aparty.
I stepped back for a moment andlooked around.
It was a beautiful setting,boating, walking paths,
everything designed forconnection.
But many people, and to behonest, the majority were kind
of zoned out scrolling on theirphones.
(02:50):
The kids were playing, but theadults weren't.
I wondered how many felt lonely.
Most seemed disconnected.
I'm sure they were grateful fora break in their routine, but
unsure how to make that breakfeel nourishing.
I think this is modernloneliness.
We're together, but alone.
You already know many of theculprits, the phone, hyper
(03:14):
individualism.
A consumer culture rooted in notenough.
I'm not enough.
They're not enough.
I don't have enough.
This isn't good enough.
A growing skepticism ofinstitutions, churches,
government, schools in the past,bridges of connection, purpose,
and meaning today, all seen asnot good enough.
(03:36):
Family dynamics, children wholive far away, smaller families,
estrangement work and schoolfueled by competition, not
collaboration.
I talk about this in episode 146, but today I want to add a
surprising culpritself-awareness.
Yes.
(03:56):
This is where as a therapist, Ido take some of the blame.
And again, don't hit pause.
Let me explain.
There's been a massive culturalshift.
My mother was born in 1930.
Part of the silent generationcommitted to family, faith, and
country.
When I was 23, I signed up for aclass called something like
(04:17):
Journey to Self.
I told my mom about it, thinkingshe'd think it was a great
opportunity, and she looked atme with genuine puzzlement and
said, why would you need that?
I rolled my eyes at her andthought to myself, she is so not
with it.
But that moment has alwaysstayed with me.
Or to be honest, it's alwayskind of haunted me as I've been
(04:39):
exploring loneliness these pastfew months.
Her face, her confusion keptresurfacing.
That's when it hit me.
In her generation,self-awareness didn't exist.
The way we think of it today,what they had was introspection.
Introspection is the act oflooking inward, reflecting on
(05:02):
your thoughts, feelings, ormotives in connection to
something greater religious,civic, or philosophical
tradition shaped it.
This was the way for centuries aCatholic might examine their
conscience before confession.
A Jewish person might keepkosher to align daily choices
with deep values.
(05:23):
And introspection isn't limitedto religion.
It can be civic.
Think of someone serving in themilitary or voting in an
election asking what kind ofcitizen do I want to be?
What values am I willing tostand for?
I.
Even to die for.
That's introspection with ashared moral purpose.
(05:44):
In the past, introspection wastied to something larger.
Faith, family, country,community, people reflected not
just to understand themselves,but to stay aligned with meaning
and purpose.
I have begun to wonder if thisprotected them from loneliness.
Today, self-awareness is oftenpracticed in isolation,
(06:05):
disconnected from anythinglarger.
It easily turns intoself-criticism or a constant
drive to measure up, leavingmany of us feeling less than not
more whole.
So, yes, I am saying this gentlyand perhaps I'm not right'cause
these are all new thoughts, butself-awareness as we've come to
(06:27):
define it, might be making youlonely.
Self-awareness helps you knowyourself better, but it can also
oversize the self instead ofwhat I call right sizing it,
being in your capital eyeinstead of the more healthy,
lowercase, italicized eye, whichis flexible and connecting.
(06:48):
Let me give you a clinicalexample.
I've had many midlife clientscome to terms with their less
than perfect parents.
Often a parent who struggledwith alcoholism, sometimes
sober, sometimes not.
Anyone familiar with Al-Anon,knows children react differently
depending on their temperamentand role in the family.
Some are the hero.
(07:09):
Some the scapegoat, others arethe lost child, the mascot or
the caretaker.
In therapy.
These clients work hard tounderstand their past and create
healthier relational dynamicswith their self and others.
Their therapy also includesgrief, grief for the childhood.
They wish they had.
It also involves boundarysetting with an imperfect
(07:32):
parent.
But here's what's changed.
Only in the past five to 10years have I seen a major value
shift.
Clients now come to therapyfeeling they have the right to
cut off contact with a parent.
For the first 30 years of mywork, that was nearly
unthinkable.
Now 27% of families report someform of estrangement.
(07:55):
Years ago, a client once toldme, well, my dad, he might be a
drunk, but he gave me life.
I must owe him something that isintrospection.
Not just self-awareness that'sanchoring your truth to
something greater than yourself.
Let me take you deeper withanother example.
(08:16):
A couple of years ago, I workedwith a client who had left her
marriage as she came out as gay.
Her parents' religious valuesdidn't align with her queerness,
but they didn't cut her off.
They said one of those honestbut complicated things.
We don't agree, but we love you.
She came to therapy with apainful question.
(08:37):
Could she stay in a relationshipwith people who didn't fully
support who she was?
As we explored her confusion, Ioffered an equally important
question.
Could she love people whosevalues she didn't fully support
either.
Her values around sexualorientation and individual
rights were clear, but hervalues around staying connected
(08:59):
to people with many differentbeliefs.
Those were still forming.
She was like many of us, clearabout some things, confused
about others.
After all, we are all works inprogress.
Self-awareness helped her reallyfor the first time in her life,
feel authentic and like most ofus, she found comfort in people
(09:23):
who shared her views.
Algorithms make that eveneasier.
Surrounding us with sameness anddawning our tolerance for
difference.
But what helped her move towardpeace wasn't just self-awareness
or introspection, it wassomething deeper.
She wasn't just exploring whoshe was or what she believed she
(09:45):
was doing.
Something more complex.
Something that didn't have aname.
Until now, something I have cometo call self selfspection is a
conscious and purposeful innergaze that not only observes your
inner life, but connects it toyour values, your choices, and
(10:05):
your relationships.
It right sizes self-awareness bygrounding it in something
greater than identity, and itright sizes, introspection by
linking inner reflection totimeless values, the common
good, and the responsibility tolive with others in mind.
It helps us see the wholepicture.
(10:28):
My client's turning point camewhen she imagined herself 20
years from now after her motherhad passed and the grief she
might carry if she walked awayfrom the relationship.
An imperfect, sometimes tenserelationship that lands her back
into therapy for a tuneup everyso often to help her get
(10:48):
grounded in her ability to livein the tension of loving her
parents despite the significantvalue difference.
she always says the same thing.
I want to be rooted in love, butI feel like the culture keeps
asking me to root myself indifference.
She longs for her parents' fullacceptance, but over time she
(11:12):
has come to see that her realwork was learning to receive
their love.
And to offer hers back, eventhough neither could fully
accept the other's worldview,their introspective selves were
shaped by the values of theirrespective generations, but it
was self that helped her moveforward.
(11:33):
Self inspection gave her theclarity to honor both her
identity and her commitment tofamily.
It helped her hold space for twotruths that her sexual
orientation mattered deeply, andso did her connection to the
people who raised her.
That's what made peace possible.
Not perfection, but presence.
(11:55):
I think that's why so manypeople find Pope Leo so
compelling.
He models something rare, calm,grounded, leadership, rooted in
reflection.
He doesn't just displayself-awareness.
He lives in connection withvalues, tradition, and
community.
He embodies self spectrum, thequiet power of knowing yourself,
(12:20):
knowing your values, but stayingin relationship with others who
may have different values.
As we reflect on this 4th ofJuly I invite you to consider
how self spec might be thebridge, not just between your
inner world and the outer one,but between isolation and
connection, whereinterdependence is valued more
(12:43):
than independence.
In this episode, you'vediscovered why modern
self-awareness may be fuelingmidlife loneliness, how
introspection can offerprotection against
disconnection, and how a newconcept self spec can help you
build bridges back to meaning,connection, and longing.
(13:04):
Your inner challenge this week.
Is a difficult one.
I want you to ask yourself, howmight you be fueling your
loneliness?
Have you stepped back frompeople or communities because
they don't perfectly align withyour beliefs, your values, your
authenticity?
Could there be room to build abridge, one that might energize
(13:25):
your life and restore a sense ofpurpose and belonging?
Be brave.
Look, this inner challenge inthe face.
If your answer is maybe,perhaps, or absolutely yes,
you'll love Thursday's follow-upepisode.
I'll share with you a practicalplan to help you reconnect with
(13:45):
yourself and with others.
Because I don't want you to belonely.
Thanks for listening.
I'll be back on Thursdaybuilding bridges on creating
midlife calm.
In this episode, you'll----discover how
to turn your self-awareness intoa source of connection, not
loneliness.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, a podcast dedicated to
empowering midlife minds toovercome anxiety, stop feeling
like crap and become morepresent with your family, all
while achieving greater successat work.
(00:20):
I'm MJ Murray Vachon, a licensedclinical social worker with over
48, 000 hours of therapysessions and 31 years of
experience teaching mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
Happy 4th of July week, or isit?
A few months ago, I released anepisode on midlife loneliness.
(00:41):
Within a half a day, it had arecord number of listeners.
To be honest, I was surprisedand deeply moved.
Or should I say troubled?
Since then, thanks to many ofyou, I've not only been reading
and listening more aboutloneliness, but walking through
my day-to-day life with a newlens, trying to understand what
(01:02):
loneliness really means at thispoint in our lives and how we
might build a bridge out of it.
In this episode, you'll discoverthe fruits of all of this
reflection of mine And howloneliness may have more to do
with our cultural emphasis onself-awareness than you think,
and how a new idea, I'm callingselfspection could help you
(01:26):
reconnect.
Where it matters the most.
Now, don't hit pause.
Stay with me because today I'mnot asking you to celebrate
independence, but rather ourinterdependence.
And to do that, we may need tolook at our loneliness, not as
the problem, but as thebeginning of the solution.
(01:47):
You still with me?
Good.
Let's begin.
We used to think of lonelinessas something that happened to an
85-year-old grandparent alone intheir apartment, but that's not
what caused the US surgeonGeneral in 2023 to declare
loneliness a public healthcrisis.
He said that loneliness isn'tabout being alone.
(02:08):
It's about feeling unseen anddisconnected.
Take that in.
Loneliness is not about beingalone.
It's about not being seen.
Here's the twist.
In a world where each of us canhave a voice, a podcast, a blog,
a Facebook post, we are lonelierthan ever.
(02:29):
Yes, we are.
Just yesterday, I was at aparty.
I stepped back for a moment andlooked around.
It was a beautiful setting,boating, walking paths,
everything designed forconnection.
But many people, and to behonest, the majority were kind
of zoned out scrolling on theirphones.
(02:50):
The kids were playing, but theadults weren't.
I wondered how many felt lonely.
Most seemed disconnected.
I'm sure they were grateful fora break in their routine, but
unsure how to make that breakfeel nourishing.
I think this is modernloneliness.
We're together, but alone.
You already know many of theculprits, the phone, hyper
(03:14):
individualism.
A consumer culture rooted in notenough.
I'm not enough.
They're not enough.
I don't have enough.
This isn't good enough.
A growing skepticism ofinstitutions, churches,
government, schools in the past,bridges of connection, purpose,
and meaning today, all seen asnot good enough.
(03:36):
Family dynamics, children wholive far away, smaller families,
estrangement work and schoolfueled by competition, not
collaboration.
I talk about this in episode 146, but today I want to add a
surprising culpritself-awareness.
Yes.
(03:56):
This is where as a therapist, Ido take some of the blame.
And again, don't hit pause.
Let me explain.
There's been a massive culturalshift.
My mother was born in 1930.
Part of the silent generationcommitted to family, faith, and
country.
When I was 23, I signed up for aclass called something like
(04:17):
Journey to Self.
I told my mom about it, thinkingshe'd think it was a great
opportunity, and she looked atme with genuine puzzlement and
said, why would you need that?
I rolled my eyes at her andthought to myself, she is so not
with it.
But that moment has alwaysstayed with me.
Or to be honest, it's alwayskind of haunted me as I've been
(04:39):
exploring loneliness these pastfew months.
Her face, her confusion keptresurfacing.
That's when it hit me.
In her generation,self-awareness didn't exist.
The way we think of it today,what they had was introspection.
Introspection is the act oflooking inward, reflecting on
(05:02):
your thoughts, feelings, ormotives in connection to
something greater religious,civic, or philosophical
tradition shaped it.
This was the way for centuries aCatholic might examine their
conscience before confession.
A Jewish person might keepkosher to align daily choices
with deep values.
(05:23):
And introspection isn't limitedto religion.
It can be civic.
Think of someone serving in themilitary or voting in an
election asking what kind ofcitizen do I want to be?
What values am I willing tostand for?
I.
Even to die for.
That's introspection with ashared moral purpose.
(05:44):
In the past, introspection wastied to something larger.
Faith, family, country,community, people reflected not
just to understand themselves,but to stay aligned with meaning
and purpose.
I have begun to wonder if thisprotected them from loneliness.
Today, self-awareness is oftenpracticed in isolation,
(06:05):
disconnected from anythinglarger.
It easily turns intoself-criticism or a constant
drive to measure up, leavingmany of us feeling less than not
more whole.
So, yes, I am saying this gentlyand perhaps I'm not right'cause
these are all new thoughts, butself-awareness as we've come to
(06:27):
define it, might be making youlonely.
Self-awareness helps you knowyourself better, but it can also
oversize the self instead ofwhat I call right sizing it,
being in your capital eyeinstead of the more healthy,
lowercase, italicized eye, whichis flexible and connecting.
(06:48):
Let me give you a clinicalexample.
I've had many midlife clientscome to terms with their less
than perfect parents.
Often a parent who struggledwith alcoholism, sometimes
sober, sometimes not.
Anyone familiar with Al-Anon,knows children react differently
depending on their temperamentand role in the family.
Some are the hero.
(07:09):
Some the scapegoat, others arethe lost child, the mascot or
the caretaker.
In therapy.
These clients work hard tounderstand their past and create
healthier relational dynamicswith their self and others.
Their therapy also includesgrief, grief for the childhood.
They wish they had.
It also involves boundarysetting with an imperfect
(07:32):
parent.
But here's what's changed.
Only in the past five to 10years have I seen a major value
shift.
Clients now come to therapyfeeling they have the right to
cut off contact with a parent.
For the first 30 years of mywork, that was nearly
unthinkable.
Now 27% of families report someform of estrangement.
(07:55):
Years ago, a client once toldme, well, my dad, he might be a
drunk, but he gave me life.
I must owe him something that isintrospection.
Not just self-awareness that'sanchoring your truth to
something greater than yourself.
Let me take you deeper withanother example.
(08:16):
A couple of years ago, I workedwith a client who had left her
marriage as she came out as gay.
Her parents' religious valuesdidn't align with her queerness,
but they didn't cut her off.
They said one of those honestbut complicated things.
We don't agree, but we love you.
She came to therapy with apainful question.
(08:37):
Could she stay in a relationshipwith people who didn't fully
support who she was?
As we explored her confusion, Ioffered an equally important
question.
Could she love people whosevalues she didn't fully support
either.
Her values around sexualorientation and individual
rights were clear, but hervalues around staying connected
(08:59):
to people with many differentbeliefs.
Those were still forming.
She was like many of us, clearabout some things, confused
about others.
After all, we are all works inprogress.
Self-awareness helped her reallyfor the first time in her life,
feel authentic and like most ofus, she found comfort in people
(09:23):
who shared her views.
Algorithms make that eveneasier.
Surrounding us with sameness anddawning our tolerance for
difference.
But what helped her move towardpeace wasn't just self-awareness
or introspection, it wassomething deeper.
She wasn't just exploring whoshe was or what she believed she
(09:45):
was doing.
Something more complex.
Something that didn't have aname.
Until now, something I have cometo call self selfspection is a
conscious and purposeful innergaze that not only observes your
inner life, but connects it toyour values, your choices, and
(10:05):
your relationships.
It right sizes self-awareness bygrounding it in something
greater than identity, and itright sizes, introspection by
linking inner reflection totimeless values, the common
good, and the responsibility tolive with others in mind.
It helps us see the wholepicture.
(10:28):
My client's turning point camewhen she imagined herself 20
years from now after her motherhad passed and the grief she
might carry if she walked awayfrom the relationship.
An imperfect, sometimes tenserelationship that lands her back
into therapy for a tuneup everyso often to help her get
(10:48):
grounded in her ability to livein the tension of loving her
parents despite the significantvalue difference.
she always says the same thing.
I want to be rooted in love, butI feel like the culture keeps
asking me to root myself indifference.
She longs for her parents' fullacceptance, but over time she
(11:12):
has come to see that her realwork was learning to receive
their love.
And to offer hers back, eventhough neither could fully
accept the other's worldview,their introspective selves were
shaped by the values of theirrespective generations, but it
was self that helped her moveforward.
(11:33):
Self inspection gave her theclarity to honor both her
identity and her commitment tofamily.
It helped her hold space for twotruths that her sexual
orientation mattered deeply, andso did her connection to the
people who raised her.
That's what made peace possible.
Not perfection, but presence.
(11:55):
I think that's why so manypeople find Pope Leo so
compelling.
He models something rare, calm,grounded, leadership, rooted in
reflection.
He doesn't just displayself-awareness.
He lives in connection withvalues, tradition, and
community.
He embodies self spectrum, thequiet power of knowing yourself,
(12:20):
knowing your values, but stayingin relationship with others who
may have different values.
As we reflect on this 4th ofJuly I invite you to consider
how self spec might be thebridge, not just between your
inner world and the outer one,but between isolation and
connection, whereinterdependence is valued more
(12:43):
than independence.
In this episode, you'vediscovered why modern
self-awareness may be fuelingmidlife loneliness, how
introspection can offerprotection against
disconnection, and how a newconcept self spec can help you
build bridges back to meaning,connection, and longing.
(13:04):
Your inner challenge this week.
Is a difficult one.
I want you to ask yourself, howmight you be fueling your
loneliness?
Have you stepped back frompeople or communities because
they don't perfectly align withyour beliefs, your values, your
authenticity?
Could there be room to build abridge, one that might energize
(13:25):
your life and restore a sense ofpurpose and belonging?
Be brave.
Look, this inner challenge inthe face.
If your answer is maybe,perhaps, or absolutely yes,
you'll love Thursday's follow-upepisode.
I'll share with you a practicalplan to help you reconnect with
(13:45):
yourself and with others.
Because I don't want you to belonely.
Thanks for listening.
I'll be back on Thursdaybuilding bridges on creating
midlife calm.
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