May 4, 2026 • 20 mins
What if cancer isn’t just something to survive—but something that can reshape how your life?
There is a way to move through uncertainty with more clarity, self-trust, and even moments of real joy.
In this episode, you’ll discover:
- How a crisis can lead to powerful clarity about what truly matters
- Learn why boundaries and self-trust become essential during life’s hardest moments
- Understand how slowing down and being present can transform anxiety into calm
Take 19 minutes to reconnect with your inner clarity and build coping skills that truly support you—you’re worth it.
****
About the Host:
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker with more than 48,000 hours of therapy sessions and 31 years of experience teaching her Mental Wellness curriculum, Inner Challenge. Four years ago she overcame her fear of technology to create a podcast that integrated her vast clinical experience and practical wisdom of cultivating mental wellness using the latest information from neuroscience. MJ was Social Worker of the Year in 2011 for Region 2/IN.
Creating Midlife Calm is a podcast designed to guide you through the challenges of midlife, tackling issues like anxiety, low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, procrastination, and isolation, while offering strategies for improving relationships, family support, emotional wellbeing, mental wellness, and parenting, with a focus on mindfulness, stress management, coping skills, and personal growth to stop rumination, overthinking, and increase confidence through self-care, emotional healing, and mental health support.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (00:00):
In this episode, you'll discover how an
(00:02):
unexpected midlife crisis canchange the way you live.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, the podcast where you and
I tackle stress and anxiety inmidlife so you can stop feeling
like crap, feel more present athome, and thrive at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon a LicensedClinical Social Worker with over
(00:22):
50,000 hours of therapy sessionsand 32 years of teaching
practical science-backed mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
Today's episode's a littledifferent and very personal for
me.
I'm sitting down with someone Iknow and love in real life.
Lynn Kachmarik She's my longtimefriend, a fellow mom, my swim
(00:45):
partner, a person whofacilitated my Inner Challenge
mental wellness program, aformer Olympic water polo
player, and one of the kindest,most loving and energetic people
I have ever known.
About 16 months ago, she wasdiagnosed with pancreatic cancer
and underwent the Whippleprocedure, months of chemo and
(01:08):
radiation.
And from my limited perspective,it seemed like hell on earth.
What's remarkable is not onlyshe has survived.
But she's back in the poollapping me.
She's living fully, and in manyways, she's living with more
clarity and intention than ever.
(01:29):
So today, instead of focusing onher medical journey, we're gonna
focus on something else.
What has shifted inside of herand what she can teach us.
About navigating stress,uncertainty, and change when a
crisis comes to us in midlife.
(01:49):
In this episode, you'll discoversome shifts that Lynn has
experienced that have powerfullychanged how she thinks, feels
and lives, how those shifts showup in a practical way in
everyday life, and why theymight matter more than you
think.
Welcome to creating MidlifeCalm.
(02:11):
My dear, dear friend Lynn,
Lynn Kachmarik (02:13):
I'm glad to be here.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (02:15):
What would be the first shift that
you would wanna share with ourlisteners that has really
internally changed within you?
I think a huge powerful shift isslowing down and thinking, will
this be the best use of my time?
(02:37):
I've really been able to reflecton how much time do I have?
Knowing that I want to use mytime in the best way possible.
For instance, we moved closer toour grandkids and to one of our
children.
And as I'm there, I love toteach water fitness classes of
any kind.
And I've already spoken withpeople who really want to have
(03:00):
these classes and are waitingfor me to just say yes and get
this going.
And this is the longest I've saton something to process and
really think, I wanna say yes tothis.
'cause I love to do thispersonally.
But how does this fit into mylife with my husband and with
(03:21):
grandkids and my daughter closeby, and then traveling to see my
other children and my familymembers and friends.
Can I do it all?
And I used to think I could.
Now I realize I can't.
I'm processing in a way I'venever processed before.
Speaker 5 (03:39):
So part of that processing is really helping you
set boundaries.
And set priorities.
Lynn Kachmarik (03:46):
Absolutely.
One of the things that happenedreally early on when I had this
diagnosis was, I think youactually are the one who said,
if you ever need to talk tosomeone, you had someone to
suggest.
And I took it up immediately.
Because I know how important itis, especially during a crisis.
(04:08):
And one of the very first thingsshe said to me was, what are
your boundaries?
And I hadn't thought about that'cause I just let anything
happen and pushed through it orsucked it up or just, let it
come and what a great lifelesson to learn, what are my
boundaries?
So I really took that in deeplyinternally and has changed my
(04:32):
life.
Speaker 5 (04:32):
I wanna punctuate your willingness to talk to a
complete stranger at the worsttime in your life.
How did that help you put wordsto your own internal experience?
Lynn Kachmarik (04:47):
Because she came in and there was no judgment,
she, didn't pretend she had allthe answers.
She gave me questions to askmyself.
So I was really lucky to haveher twice early in my diagnosis
and when I was finishing, gaveme questions to ask so that I
(05:10):
could have some clarity movingforward.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (05:13):
Can you talk about how the boundaries
increased your trust inyourself?
Lynn Kachmarik (05:19):
That is a really good question What you don't
realize because you're just inso deep into recovering or
treatment, is what family andfriends are going through.
Yes, your own children and yourhusband are right there and you
know them and you know that thisis hard, but you, you don't
(05:39):
realize what everyone is goingthrough and what everyone else
might need for them, in dealingwith your.
Diagnosis because they love youso much they're doing things
that might be good for them, butactually it's not good for you.
And she taught me that youcannot continue with that
(06:02):
because was making me feel likethey didn't trust my decision
making.
One of the things that I thinkis really important is no one in
our community had had a Whipplesurgery in many, many years.
There wasn't anyone here to doit, so people were traveling to
Mayo Clinic, to New York, toChicago and Indy to have that
done.
It was like a little bit of amiracle because the day I was
(06:25):
diagnosed, there was a brand newpancreatic cancer surgeon in the
hospital who came immediatelyand just started to develop a
relationship with me, my gut wassaying to me, trust him.
I was asking the right questionsof my own doctor and other
people who brought this man into get to that place where
(06:46):
family and friends wanted me toleave.
And it screams they don't trustyou.
And so what that helped me to dowas, I need you to trust me,
that I know what I'm doing.
I'm staying here for thistreatment.
And I think because I built arelationship with him, instead
of just showing up someplace andhaving that surgery.
(07:08):
When he got in there, there wasmore cancer than what this CAT
scan revealed.
And he knew I could handlehaving more things taken out and
removed because we built arelationship.
And relationship to me iseverything.
I was willing to trust therelationship before leaving and
(07:30):
going somewhere else, so I justhad to trust myself but then I
came back with this boundaryterm and it changed everything.
And I know I made it hard forsome people, but it wasn't my
job to make it easy for them.
I thought it was, but it wasn't.
I needed to do what was best forme.
And that came with settingboundaries.
Speaker 5 (07:50):
And that's a very big internal shift for women.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (07:54):
I have to do what's best for me.
How did you hold the tension ata time when you don't even feel
good?
I think for me.
Talking to this counselor gaveme the freedom to know I wasn't
being selfish.
Lynn Kachmarik (08:10):
I've dedicated my life to empowering young
women and we're so used to beingthe caretaker, taking care of
others and putting others beforeus, and not listening to our
bodies she gave me the freedomto put myself first.
'Cause people were sending methings, out of love and out of
goodness, sending me treatmentplans and doing research.
(08:32):
I didn't want any of thatbecause I was trusting my
medical team.
I am not gonna Google this.
I am trusting my caretaker, whowas my husband, and trusting
those who I trusted.
With my recovery.
this is a boundary.
And I need you to respect it.
Speaker 5 (08:51):
It becomes this really powerful Inner circle
that actually grounds you inputting yourself first.
Lynn Kachmarik (08:59):
Yes.
Speaker 5 (09:00):
How is this self-trust today?
Something you can connect moreeasily to than 10 years ago?
Lynn Kachmarik (09:08):
That's such a great question, and it's
something that I think of a lot.
I can be the center of attentionperson.
I can be loud and I have foundthis Inner trust and just
sitting in the quiet.
I'm sitting and processingquietly.
I don't have to have theanswers.
(09:28):
I don't have to entertaineveryone.
I always like to make people,laugh i'm processing in the
quiet in a way that I never didbefore and i'm, I sit and spend
a lot of time cherishing thetime that I have.
One of the things that myhusband said to me very early in
my diagnosis is, we're notguaranteed anything in life.
(09:52):
And I got angry right away.
'cause that felt threatening tome.
Does he not think I'm gonnasurvive this?
And the reality That is such agreat statement that you are not
guaranteed anything.
So be thankful for everythingthat happens, whatever time I
(10:12):
get to be thankful for that.
And so that's a shift.
I'm always lived a life, I thinkespecially later in life of
gratitude.
I used to have gratitude that,I'm swimming now.
I have gratitude of feeling thewater.
Coming off my arms when I swim.
I never really did that before.
I was just, let's get in.
(10:33):
Let's power through this workoutand let's get it done.
But now when I teach a waterclass, I want you to just feel
the water because.
I want you to be thankful thatyou have this opportunity as
well.
Just be thankful that you knowhow to feel the water.
Does that make sense?
Speaker 5 (10:52):
It does, and, it's really a very profound and
simple.
Truth that because modern lifeis so busy because there's so
many distractions, I think oneof the best antidotes for
anxiety is presence.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (11:09):
And what I hear you saying is this whole
journey has made you morepresent.
Yes.
It has allowed you to be morereflective, more self-aware.
It has allowed you to haveboundaries where you don't have
to be there for others in a waythat doesn't align to where you
are now.
Lynn Kachmarik (11:26):
Yeah, and it's a huge shift when you're diagnosed
at 68 years old.
How many people get theprivilege to have these kind of
deep shifts that they wish theyhad earlier in life, but they
couldn't do it?
I wanted to slow down.
I didn't wanna always say yes.
I wanted to appreciate thingsmore, the big internal shift is
(11:50):
not, oh my gosh, I had cancer.
But how can I use this to bettermyself and better my life with
those people that I love andcherish, and that is family and
friends.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (12:05):
I think that's so applicable to aging.
Whether you have a dire cancerdiagnosis, to me it feels like
people are like, it's over.
It's over.
Stop living.
But what I've watched you andwhat I hear you saying is it
doesn't need to be over.
Lynn Kachmarik (12:21):
No.
And again, side effects andcomplications, absolutely
impact, but I can't tell you howmany of my doctors have said,, I
want you to talk to otherpatients that I have, because
when I could, I swam.
I walked again, none of thathappens right away, and there
was a time when I thought Iwould never get past the end of
(12:44):
my driveway as driven as I amphysically.
There was a day, I took twosteps past the end of my
driveway and I felt soaccomplished.
And now I'm swimming further andfaster.
Not without, some side effectsat times, but.
Nope.
I am gonna live my life everyday.
I'm not gonna put off tilltomorrow.
(13:05):
What I can do today, ifphysically and mentally, and it
works for my family, I'm, I'mgonna push myself harder than I
ever have.
Speaker 5 (13:14):
But at the same time, something I view in you that
feels new, is this incredibleability to listen to your body
and let it have limits.
Lynn Kachmarik (13:25):
Yes.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (13:25):
Can you talk a little about that shift?
Yeah, absolutely.
As women.
We have a tendency to to takecare of others, insist that
others get things taken care of,but put off what we feel.
Lynn Kachmarik (13:38):
I don't have that anymore.
If I don't feel good, if I don'tfeel right, I have grace.
I'm not as hard on myself.
I don't feel guilty if I don'tget in so much yardage.
There's times where I go to thepool and I get in a warmup and I
get out Prior to this diagnosis,oh no, I didn't care how I felt.
I would've gotten done.
(13:59):
I'm nicer to myself in terms ofrespecting how I feel I don't
have the guilt or the shame ofnot getting so much yardage in
or doing what I used to dobecause I have had that internal
shift of I'm so thankful thatI'm here.
(14:20):
What's the best use of my timetoday?
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (14:23):
But part of what I hear you saying is at
this stage, all of it's rightsize.
Yeah.
You didn't do 400 sessions withthis cancer therapist.
You did a couple.
And being given permission.
To set boundaries, started thiswhole internal shift.
Yep.
And the illness in this odd,almost unpredictable way, forced
(14:48):
you to listen and be moregentle.
With your body.
And what woman can't learn fromthat,, it's so true, MJ.
And, and not just women,
Lynn Kachmarik (14:58):
there's times in my life I should have put myself
first.
Much younger, but I didn'tbecause of being driven and many
of us are like that, where weput everybody else first and
then we take care of ourselvesinstead of realizing when you
put yourself first and when youset boundaries, it actually
allows you to take care ofothers better and more
(15:21):
effectively than giving what youthink is everything to everyone
else and never giving the bestof yourself.
Speaker 5 (15:29):
What a paradox.
Cancer forced, you literallyforces a person to put
themselves first.
And not everybody chooses tolean into.
Reflecting and processing whatthis is doing, which I'm a
therapist, so I have a biastowards that.
But when people do, then youreally reap benefits that aren't
(15:50):
just.
Physical wellbeing due tomedical treatment, but actually
spiritual and relational andemotional and psychological
wellbeing that feeds all yourrelationships.
Lynn Kachmarik (16:02):
I think some people might think this is odd,
but the truth is, I'm in thebest place I've ever been in my
life emotionally.
Physically, obviously whenyou're, an athlete at the
highest level, and I played tillI was 30, but I'm satisfied with
where I'm at physically.
I'm happy with what I'm able todo, but more than that, I have
(16:25):
great clarity.
I have more clarity right nowthan I've ever had in my life.
So another thing that I'mprocessing and I wanna talk
about.
People don't want to talk about,but I wanna process.
If I say when this comes back orif it comes back, it doesn't
mean I've given up hope.
It doesn't mean that I don'tthink I might be the one that
(16:47):
gets to go 10 years or fiveyears.
What it says is, I know thatthis is a very aggressive
cancer.
I wanna be realistic, yethopeful.
So I wanna talk about the factthat if I don't get a lot of
time.
I want to spend whatever time Ihave doing what I want, being
(17:08):
with my family and friends asmuch as I can in perspective.
If pancreatic shortens my life,I want you to know that I have
had a, a better life than I everthought possible.
I am so privileged with the lifeI've led, and if this takes me.
I want you to celebrate me andto go on with your life grieve,
(17:33):
but I don't want you to grieveforever.
doesn't mean I wanna leave thisworld.
It means I don't want to be indenial and I want to be able to
process this with my childrenand my family.
But I want them to know I'm okaywith what comes next.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (17:50):
I am wanna close on this idea of
clarity because I deeply believethat when people hit 50,
something happens that is lessintense than when you have
cancer but.
This letting go of expectationsof scripts, of norms that no
(18:12):
longer feed you.
When you think about the clarityyou've gained, what would you
say to our listeners they coulddo that might help them get
clarity at this point in theirlife?
That it's not selfish to putyourself?
And your needs first.
(18:34):
If you don't take care ofyourself, your mental health,
your physical health, yoursocial health, you can't truly
give the best of yourself tosomeone who may need it.
Lynn Kachmarik (18:45):
That to me has been a huge shift.
Every day I have a clarity.
That I just didn't have before,and that clarity has given me
joy.
I am so joyful and thankful andI just cherish, people and I
always have, I'm a positiveperson.
(19:05):
But it's clarity first, thatdrives the positivity and it
drives my energy in a way that Ididn't have before.
I'm very clear on what'simportant and what's not
important in a way I didn't haveprior to my diagnosis.
Slowing down I easily processnow in a way that I didn't think
(19:29):
I could do, and now it's becomemore natural.
I don't jump into things.
I've got all the time I need toprocess and figure out what's
the right thing for me.
What's the right thing for myhusband?
What's the right thing for myfamily before I jump into
expectations that maybe I don'thave to fulfill, I can just be,
(19:55):
and I'm okay with that.
Speaker 5 (19:57):
That is beautiful, I really love the insights that
you've shared.
I'm gonna invite you to comeback on Thursday because I think
you can offer us real wisdom forone of the hardest parts of when
someone we love gets sick, Andthat is what was helpful from
your family and from yourfriends.
Lynn Kachmarik (20:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (20:19):
I hope you'll join us for part two with Lynn on
Thursday.
And thanks for listening toCreating Midlife Calm.
In this episode, you'll discover how an
(00:02):
unexpected midlife crisis canchange the way you live.
Welcome to Creating MidlifeCalm, the podcast where you and
I tackle stress and anxiety inmidlife so you can stop feeling
like crap, feel more present athome, and thrive at work.
I'm MJ Murray Vachon a LicensedClinical Social Worker with over
(00:22):
50,000 hours of therapy sessionsand 32 years of teaching
practical science-backed mentalwellness.
Welcome to the podcast.
Today's episode's a littledifferent and very personal for
me.
I'm sitting down with someone Iknow and love in real life.
Lynn Kachmarik She's my longtimefriend, a fellow mom, my swim
(00:45):
partner, a person whofacilitated my Inner Challenge
mental wellness program, aformer Olympic water polo
player, and one of the kindest,most loving and energetic people
I have ever known.
About 16 months ago, she wasdiagnosed with pancreatic cancer
and underwent the Whippleprocedure, months of chemo and
(01:08):
radiation.
And from my limited perspective,it seemed like hell on earth.
What's remarkable is not onlyshe has survived.
But she's back in the poollapping me.
She's living fully, and in manyways, she's living with more
clarity and intention than ever.
(01:29):
So today, instead of focusing onher medical journey, we're gonna
focus on something else.
What has shifted inside of herand what she can teach us.
About navigating stress,uncertainty, and change when a
crisis comes to us in midlife.
(01:49):
In this episode, you'll discoversome shifts that Lynn has
experienced that have powerfullychanged how she thinks, feels
and lives, how those shifts showup in a practical way in
everyday life, and why theymight matter more than you
think.
Welcome to creating MidlifeCalm.
(02:11):
My dear, dear friend Lynn,
Lynn Kachmarik (02:13):
I'm glad to be here.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (02:15):
What would be the first shift that
you would wanna share with ourlisteners that has really
internally changed within you?
I think a huge powerful shift isslowing down and thinking, will
this be the best use of my time?
(02:37):
I've really been able to reflecton how much time do I have?
Knowing that I want to use mytime in the best way possible.
For instance, we moved closer toour grandkids and to one of our
children.
And as I'm there, I love toteach water fitness classes of
any kind.
And I've already spoken withpeople who really want to have
(03:00):
these classes and are waitingfor me to just say yes and get
this going.
And this is the longest I've saton something to process and
really think, I wanna say yes tothis.
'cause I love to do thispersonally.
But how does this fit into mylife with my husband and with
(03:21):
grandkids and my daughter closeby, and then traveling to see my
other children and my familymembers and friends.
Can I do it all?
And I used to think I could.
Now I realize I can't.
I'm processing in a way I'venever processed before.
Speaker 5 (03:39):
So part of that processing is really helping you
set boundaries.
And set priorities.
Lynn Kachmarik (03:46):
Absolutely.
One of the things that happenedreally early on when I had this
diagnosis was, I think youactually are the one who said,
if you ever need to talk tosomeone, you had someone to
suggest.
And I took it up immediately.
Because I know how important itis, especially during a crisis.
(04:08):
And one of the very first thingsshe said to me was, what are
your boundaries?
And I hadn't thought about that'cause I just let anything
happen and pushed through it orsucked it up or just, let it
come and what a great lifelesson to learn, what are my
boundaries?
So I really took that in deeplyinternally and has changed my
(04:32):
life.
Speaker 5 (04:32):
I wanna punctuate your willingness to talk to a
complete stranger at the worsttime in your life.
How did that help you put wordsto your own internal experience?
Lynn Kachmarik (04:47):
Because she came in and there was no judgment,
she, didn't pretend she had allthe answers.
She gave me questions to askmyself.
So I was really lucky to haveher twice early in my diagnosis
and when I was finishing, gaveme questions to ask so that I
(05:10):
could have some clarity movingforward.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (05:13):
Can you talk about how the boundaries
increased your trust inyourself?
Lynn Kachmarik (05:19):
That is a really good question What you don't
realize because you're just inso deep into recovering or
treatment, is what family andfriends are going through.
Yes, your own children and yourhusband are right there and you
know them and you know that thisis hard, but you, you don't
(05:39):
realize what everyone is goingthrough and what everyone else
might need for them, in dealingwith your.
Diagnosis because they love youso much they're doing things
that might be good for them, butactually it's not good for you.
And she taught me that youcannot continue with that
(06:02):
because was making me feel likethey didn't trust my decision
making.
One of the things that I thinkis really important is no one in
our community had had a Whipplesurgery in many, many years.
There wasn't anyone here to doit, so people were traveling to
Mayo Clinic, to New York, toChicago and Indy to have that
done.
It was like a little bit of amiracle because the day I was
(06:25):
diagnosed, there was a brand newpancreatic cancer surgeon in the
hospital who came immediatelyand just started to develop a
relationship with me, my gut wassaying to me, trust him.
I was asking the right questionsof my own doctor and other
people who brought this man into get to that place where
(06:46):
family and friends wanted me toleave.
And it screams they don't trustyou.
And so what that helped me to dowas, I need you to trust me,
that I know what I'm doing.
I'm staying here for thistreatment.
And I think because I built arelationship with him, instead
of just showing up someplace andhaving that surgery.
(07:08):
When he got in there, there wasmore cancer than what this CAT
scan revealed.
And he knew I could handlehaving more things taken out and
removed because we built arelationship.
And relationship to me iseverything.
I was willing to trust therelationship before leaving and
(07:30):
going somewhere else, so I justhad to trust myself but then I
came back with this boundaryterm and it changed everything.
And I know I made it hard forsome people, but it wasn't my
job to make it easy for them.
I thought it was, but it wasn't.
I needed to do what was best forme.
And that came with settingboundaries.
Speaker 5 (07:50):
And that's a very big internal shift for women.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (07:54):
I have to do what's best for me.
How did you hold the tension ata time when you don't even feel
good?
I think for me.
Talking to this counselor gaveme the freedom to know I wasn't
being selfish.
Lynn Kachmarik (08:10):
I've dedicated my life to empowering young
women and we're so used to beingthe caretaker, taking care of
others and putting others beforeus, and not listening to our
bodies she gave me the freedomto put myself first.
'Cause people were sending methings, out of love and out of
goodness, sending me treatmentplans and doing research.
(08:32):
I didn't want any of thatbecause I was trusting my
medical team.
I am not gonna Google this.
I am trusting my caretaker, whowas my husband, and trusting
those who I trusted.
With my recovery.
this is a boundary.
And I need you to respect it.
Speaker 5 (08:51):
It becomes this really powerful Inner circle
that actually grounds you inputting yourself first.
Lynn Kachmarik (08:59):
Yes.
Speaker 5 (09:00):
How is this self-trust today?
Something you can connect moreeasily to than 10 years ago?
Lynn Kachmarik (09:08):
That's such a great question, and it's
something that I think of a lot.
I can be the center of attentionperson.
I can be loud and I have foundthis Inner trust and just
sitting in the quiet.
I'm sitting and processingquietly.
I don't have to have theanswers.
(09:28):
I don't have to entertaineveryone.
I always like to make people,laugh i'm processing in the
quiet in a way that I never didbefore and i'm, I sit and spend
a lot of time cherishing thetime that I have.
One of the things that myhusband said to me very early in
my diagnosis is, we're notguaranteed anything in life.
(09:52):
And I got angry right away.
'cause that felt threatening tome.
Does he not think I'm gonnasurvive this?
And the reality That is such agreat statement that you are not
guaranteed anything.
So be thankful for everythingthat happens, whatever time I
(10:12):
get to be thankful for that.
And so that's a shift.
I'm always lived a life, I thinkespecially later in life of
gratitude.
I used to have gratitude that,I'm swimming now.
I have gratitude of feeling thewater.
Coming off my arms when I swim.
I never really did that before.
I was just, let's get in.
(10:33):
Let's power through this workoutand let's get it done.
But now when I teach a waterclass, I want you to just feel
the water because.
I want you to be thankful thatyou have this opportunity as
well.
Just be thankful that you knowhow to feel the water.
Does that make sense?
Speaker 5 (10:52):
It does, and, it's really a very profound and
simple.
Truth that because modern lifeis so busy because there's so
many distractions, I think oneof the best antidotes for
anxiety is presence.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (11:09):
And what I hear you saying is this whole
journey has made you morepresent.
Yes.
It has allowed you to be morereflective, more self-aware.
It has allowed you to haveboundaries where you don't have
to be there for others in a waythat doesn't align to where you
are now.
Lynn Kachmarik (11:26):
Yeah, and it's a huge shift when you're diagnosed
at 68 years old.
How many people get theprivilege to have these kind of
deep shifts that they wish theyhad earlier in life, but they
couldn't do it?
I wanted to slow down.
I didn't wanna always say yes.
I wanted to appreciate thingsmore, the big internal shift is
(11:50):
not, oh my gosh, I had cancer.
But how can I use this to bettermyself and better my life with
those people that I love andcherish, and that is family and
friends.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (12:05):
I think that's so applicable to aging.
Whether you have a dire cancerdiagnosis, to me it feels like
people are like, it's over.
It's over.
Stop living.
But what I've watched you andwhat I hear you saying is it
doesn't need to be over.
Lynn Kachmarik (12:21):
No.
And again, side effects andcomplications, absolutely
impact, but I can't tell you howmany of my doctors have said,, I
want you to talk to otherpatients that I have, because
when I could, I swam.
I walked again, none of thathappens right away, and there
was a time when I thought Iwould never get past the end of
(12:44):
my driveway as driven as I amphysically.
There was a day, I took twosteps past the end of my
driveway and I felt soaccomplished.
And now I'm swimming further andfaster.
Not without, some side effectsat times, but.
Nope.
I am gonna live my life everyday.
I'm not gonna put off tilltomorrow.
(13:05):
What I can do today, ifphysically and mentally, and it
works for my family, I'm, I'mgonna push myself harder than I
ever have.
Speaker 5 (13:14):
But at the same time, something I view in you that
feels new, is this incredibleability to listen to your body
and let it have limits.
Lynn Kachmarik (13:25):
Yes.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (13:25):
Can you talk a little about that shift?
Yeah, absolutely.
As women.
We have a tendency to to takecare of others, insist that
others get things taken care of,but put off what we feel.
Lynn Kachmarik (13:38):
I don't have that anymore.
If I don't feel good, if I don'tfeel right, I have grace.
I'm not as hard on myself.
I don't feel guilty if I don'tget in so much yardage.
There's times where I go to thepool and I get in a warmup and I
get out Prior to this diagnosis,oh no, I didn't care how I felt.
I would've gotten done.
(13:59):
I'm nicer to myself in terms ofrespecting how I feel I don't
have the guilt or the shame ofnot getting so much yardage in
or doing what I used to dobecause I have had that internal
shift of I'm so thankful thatI'm here.
(14:20):
What's the best use of my timetoday?
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (14:23):
But part of what I hear you saying is at
this stage, all of it's rightsize.
Yeah.
You didn't do 400 sessions withthis cancer therapist.
You did a couple.
And being given permission.
To set boundaries, started thiswhole internal shift.
Yep.
And the illness in this odd,almost unpredictable way, forced
(14:48):
you to listen and be moregentle.
With your body.
And what woman can't learn fromthat,, it's so true, MJ.
And, and not just women,
Lynn Kachmarik (14:58):
there's times in my life I should have put myself
first.
Much younger, but I didn'tbecause of being driven and many
of us are like that, where weput everybody else first and
then we take care of ourselvesinstead of realizing when you
put yourself first and when youset boundaries, it actually
allows you to take care ofothers better and more
(15:21):
effectively than giving what youthink is everything to everyone
else and never giving the bestof yourself.
Speaker 5 (15:29):
What a paradox.
Cancer forced, you literallyforces a person to put
themselves first.
And not everybody chooses tolean into.
Reflecting and processing whatthis is doing, which I'm a
therapist, so I have a biastowards that.
But when people do, then youreally reap benefits that aren't
(15:50):
just.
Physical wellbeing due tomedical treatment, but actually
spiritual and relational andemotional and psychological
wellbeing that feeds all yourrelationships.
Lynn Kachmarik (16:02):
I think some people might think this is odd,
but the truth is, I'm in thebest place I've ever been in my
life emotionally.
Physically, obviously whenyou're, an athlete at the
highest level, and I played tillI was 30, but I'm satisfied with
where I'm at physically.
I'm happy with what I'm able todo, but more than that, I have
(16:25):
great clarity.
I have more clarity right nowthan I've ever had in my life.
So another thing that I'mprocessing and I wanna talk
about.
People don't want to talk about,but I wanna process.
If I say when this comes back orif it comes back, it doesn't
mean I've given up hope.
It doesn't mean that I don'tthink I might be the one that
(16:47):
gets to go 10 years or fiveyears.
What it says is, I know thatthis is a very aggressive
cancer.
I wanna be realistic, yethopeful.
So I wanna talk about the factthat if I don't get a lot of
time.
I want to spend whatever time Ihave doing what I want, being
(17:08):
with my family and friends asmuch as I can in perspective.
If pancreatic shortens my life,I want you to know that I have
had a, a better life than I everthought possible.
I am so privileged with the lifeI've led, and if this takes me.
I want you to celebrate me andto go on with your life grieve,
(17:33):
but I don't want you to grieveforever.
doesn't mean I wanna leave thisworld.
It means I don't want to be indenial and I want to be able to
process this with my childrenand my family.
But I want them to know I'm okaywith what comes next.
MJ Murray Vachon LCSW (17:50):
I am wanna close on this idea of
clarity because I deeply believethat when people hit 50,
something happens that is lessintense than when you have
cancer but.
This letting go of expectationsof scripts, of norms that no
(18:12):
longer feed you.
When you think about the clarityyou've gained, what would you
say to our listeners they coulddo that might help them get
clarity at this point in theirlife?
That it's not selfish to putyourself?
And your needs first.
(18:34):
If you don't take care ofyourself, your mental health,
your physical health, yoursocial health, you can't truly
give the best of yourself tosomeone who may need it.
Lynn Kachmarik (18:45):
That to me has been a huge shift.
Every day I have a clarity.
That I just didn't have before,and that clarity has given me
joy.
I am so joyful and thankful andI just cherish, people and I
always have, I'm a positiveperson.
(19:05):
But it's clarity first, thatdrives the positivity and it
drives my energy in a way that Ididn't have before.
I'm very clear on what'simportant and what's not
important in a way I didn't haveprior to my diagnosis.
Slowing down I easily processnow in a way that I didn't think
(19:29):
I could do, and now it's becomemore natural.
I don't jump into things.
I've got all the time I need toprocess and figure out what's
the right thing for me.
What's the right thing for myhusband?
What's the right thing for myfamily before I jump into
expectations that maybe I don'thave to fulfill, I can just be,
(19:55):
and I'm okay with that.
Speaker 5 (19:57):
That is beautiful, I really love the insights that
you've shared.
I'm gonna invite you to comeback on Thursday because I think
you can offer us real wisdom forone of the hardest parts of when
someone we love gets sick, Andthat is what was helpful from
your family and from yourfriends.
Lynn Kachmarik (20:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 5 (20:19):
I hope you'll join us for part two with Lynn on
Thursday.
And thanks for listening toCreating Midlife Calm.
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