May 2, 2025 • 39 mins
This episode includes Dancing the Tightrope Chapters Twelve The Froth is My Friend and Thirteen The Art of Living. These chapters mark a turning point in my journey of making friends with pressure. To this day, I still find it difficult to explain how different this approach to pressure – and to life – is from the typical approach espoused in high performance coaching elsewhere. Rereading these two chapters several years later, I’m still pleased with how well these two chapters explain the “pressure as a catalyst” approach. However, it’s dang near impossible to understand it if you haven’t experienced it.
The best analogy I’ve come up with is what I call the “fish story.” Fish don’t know they live in water. Water is all they know. On the other hand, dolphins are aware of world of water and of course they are aware of air, since they must surface to breathe. Learning about the unseen forces that impacted the way I dealt with pressure was a little like being a fish who discovered there was a whole different world. In order to break the surface and breathe the air of life., I had to ask myself some tough questions along the way.
These two chapters break down the distinction between pressure and the thing causing the pressure, and also those tough questions, which I believe apply to anyone seeking the signal of a genuine life amidst the noise of the modern world.
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Intro (00:02):
Lynn, Welcome to Creative Spirits Unleashed, where we talk
about the dilemmas of balancingwork and life. And now here's
your host. Lynn Carnes,
Lynn (00:20):
welcome to the Creative Spirits Unleash Podcast. I'm
Lynn Carnes, your host, and inthis series, I am your reader.
This episode includes dancingthe tightrope. Chapters 12, the
froth is my friend, and 13, TheArt of Living. These chapters
mark a turning point in myjourney of making friends with
pressure. To this day, I stillfind it difficult to explain how
(00:44):
different this approach topressure and to life is from the
typical approach espoused inHigh Performance Coaching
elsewhere, rereading these twochapters several years later,
I'm still pleased with how wellthese two chapters explain the
pressure as a catalyst approach.
However, it is dang nearimpossible to understand if you
haven't experienced it. The bestanalogy I've come up with is
(01:08):
what I call the fish story. Fishdon't know they live in water.
Water is all they know. On theother hand, dolphins are aware
of the world of water, and ofcourse, they are also aware of
air, since they must surface tobreathe, learning about the
unseen forces that impacted theway I dealt with pressure was a
(01:29):
little like being a fish whodiscovered there was a whole
different world in order tobreak the surface and breathe
the air of life, I had to askmyself some tough questions
along The way. These twochapters break down the
distinction between pressure andthe thing causing the pressure,
and also those tough questions Imentioned before, which I
(01:53):
believe apply to anyone seekingthe signal of a genuine life
admits the noise of the modernworld. I hope you enjoy these
two chapters of dancing thetightrope, and as always, please
share this with your friends orcolleagues that you think might
find it interesting orinformative for them, rate it on
the podcast platform and soforth, so that we can get the
(02:16):
word out. I really appreciateyou listening to these chapters.
Chapter 12, the froth is myfriend, the healing nature of
the heat through these differentmoments of truth, I became aware
that the tiny shifts I had beenmaking for the past two and a
half years were definitelychanging my response to
(02:37):
pressure. It's not as if Isuddenly was a totally new
person. I didn't always reachfor my tools. I still had plenty
of moments where I set my energyto the flywheel of my rules,
seeking to avoid the mistake andprove myself. However, more of
me was shining through,especially in moments of
pressure. People's world feltlike it had less of a hold on my
(03:00):
soul. Mistakes did not triggerme as often or as deeply when I
felt my negative positive polefire up, I tuned into the heat,
welcoming it as oftransformational force. Fire
burns and it also cooks. Firedestroys and it also liberates.
Fire transforms wood to ash andash to soil and soil to plants,
(03:20):
and plants to food. Fire isdeath. Fire is life. Fire became
my metaphor for pressure. Wehumans have a complex
relationship with fire. One ofthe first survival skills, one
living off the land, must haveis the ability to build a fire,
the flames and heat not onlyoffer warmth and a means by
(03:40):
which to cook a meal in thewilderness, fire offers
protection from visitors in thenight who might mean us harm. On
the other hand, fire unleasheddecimates everything in its path
we've seen out of control.
Forest fires raged through 1000sof acres and through towns and
(04:01):
neighborhoods. Even then, fireoffers a fresh start. In the
early years of the national parksystem, fire was deemed
universally bad, and firesuppression became official
policy. Both man made and firescaused naturally by lightning
were put out with the assumptionthat fire caused only harm. Over
(04:21):
the years, the National ParkService began to realize that
fire was actually a naturalevent, and it had a role in
clearing underbrush and deadvegetation, opening certain
types of seeds, creating a freshstart for many plants and
wildlife, and otherwisecultivating a healthy forest.
Our human reaction to helpactually interfered with
(04:43):
nature's way. Changing theunderstanding of the role of
fire in a healthy forest andplanet. Changed the response to
fire. Official policy changed toaccount for the need for fire to
burn in order for a forest toremain healthy. Now I was a year
into writing lessons and two anda half. Half years past my
(05:04):
accident, the horses, with theguidance of Bruce and Lynn, were
showing me more distinctionsabout balance, much like the
National Park Service,understanding that man's
interference created animbalance that damaged nature, I
was discovering that many of theimbalances within me and around
me could be changed. I had morechoices than I had seen before.
(05:28):
Ironically, I had an exchangewith someone I barely knew,
somewhere in this time frame,she had heard about my accident
and knew I was relearning how toride. We got around to talking
about our work and hobbies andher love of horses, and at some
point she looked at me and said,Wow, you do a lot? How can you
(05:49):
get good at any of those things?
Her question took me back atfirst. After all, I'm the coach
who tells people that focus iscritical, then something crucial
hit me and I said, I'm notreally doing a bunch of things.
I'm not rowing or throwingpottery or coaching or skiing or
writing or painting, I'm doingone thing. I'm working on myself
(06:09):
under pressure. What I didn'tsay was as important as what I
said I didn't say. I'm learningto stop a horse, or I'm learning
how to ride without mistakes, oreven I'm learning to deal with
my fears. Looking back on it,this exchange fell into the
adage, be careful what you wishfor. You just may get it. I
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didn't know it yet, but I wouldcome to believe the accident was
one of the best things that everhappened to me. The past two and
a half years prepared me for theheat of 2020 as it invited me to
a roaring bonfire with thepotential to burn off the
underbrush of my old rules,beliefs and assumptions. The
(06:51):
invitation was not engraved,nope. This invitation came in
the form of pressure from everydirection, with lots of
opportunities to make mistakes,to fail, to beat myself up and
to otherwise perpetuate my rulesor I could reach for my tools.
The next six to eight months, Ifaced pressure on every front,
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just as the world was about tobe shut down with the COVID 19
pandemic, my dad left this earthfor his eternal journey, while I
continued to work with horsesand challenges arose in every
domain, from family to mycoaching practice, to my water
skiing and my art. Every type ofpressure brought the potential
(07:32):
to either crush or elevate me.
One core insight gave me thefreedom to welcome the heat.
Pressure is a catalyst, not atest. All the complexity of the
past two and a half years boileddown to turning one huge
assumption on its head, and likewood blocks in a game of Jenga,
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a whole cascade of oldassumptions and beliefs came
tumbling down after. Pressure isnot a test. Pressure is a
catalyst. Pressure is theleverage that brings me closer
to my true nature. My old waytook me out of the heat as a way
to prepare for the heat, whetherin my home or at a retreat, I
meditated, journaled, reflectedand worked on my skills. All of
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these methods are excellent waysto prepare for pressure.
However, I've learned somethingessential on this pressure
journey, nothing substitutes forthe choices I make while under
pressure. My new way was to turninto the pressure as the way I
would learn, reach for my toolsand keep recalibrating. In other
(08:37):
words, the heat of pressureoffers the opportunity to burn
off the armor of my oldpatterns, beliefs, assumptions
and discover new possibilities.
It's not a test to ace. Pressureis the catalyst for learning,
growing and becoming. Pressureelevates me if I stay present
and choose to welcome it.
However, pressure createsdiscomfort, a quote usually
(09:01):
attributed to Victor Frankelsays, between stimulants and
response, there is a space, andthat space is our power to
choose our response, and ourresponse lies our growth and our
freedomthe world of choice happens in
that discomforting space, a tinylittle moment in time when I can
reach for my tools or revert tothe flywheel of my mistake
(09:22):
cycle, the moment I feelpressure, whether it's a one or
10 on a scale of one to 10, I'min the froth. The level of
discomfort doesn't matter. Myautomatic, robotic response is
to make the discomfort go away.
It's not necessary for me toconsciously think mistake for
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the robot to run me. It takeseffort to take controls from the
robot. No longer did I have tothink of things happening to me
with this insight. I could seepressure and things not going my
way as happening for me. Thenthe Jenga block started falling
away. I. The first block to fallwas my story about the physical
(10:03):
sensation of pressure. WhenBruce said on the very first
day, it's not the horse, it'sthe pressure created by the
horse, I was confused. Ithought, of course, it's the
horse. Can't you see? He's rightthere, either doing or not doing
what I've asked him to do. Hecan kick me, he can bite me, and
he can do nothing when I wanthim to do something. Bruce said
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the same about every kind ofpressure. It's not the boss,
it's the pressure created by theboss. It's not the problem, it's
the pressure created by theproblem. It's not the traffic
jam, it's the pressure createdby the traffic jam. Now I saw
it. No, I felt it differently.
It's not the horse. It's thefeeling I get inside when the
(10:47):
horse doesn't do what I ask himto do. It's not the boss. It's
the feeling I get inside whenthe boss says, We need to talk
about your performance. It's notthe problem, it's the feeling I
get inside when the probleminterferes with things going
smoothly. It's not the trafficjam, it's the feeling I get
(11:08):
inside when the traffic jammakes me late. The pressures are
endless, and so are the storiesI tell about them. Pressure
evokes the emotions that actlike glue holding the past in
place. When the old emotionsrise to the surface, I can
either do the same thing I havealways done, or I can choose a
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new story, a new action, adifferent way of being. In other
words, pressure is a solventthat loosens the glue of the
emotions. It's like pressureopens a portal to my personal
change. Pressure creates theopportunity to tell a new story.
The story I had been tellingabout the feeling was the thing
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that was off. The feeling wasnot a test. It was a signal.
When I label the feeling asanxiety, avoidance appeared to
be my only option. When Ilabeled the feeling as a signal,
it opened my curiosity tolisten, discover and reach for
my tools and ask the pivotalquestion, what's next? Perhaps I
was coming someone who could runinto the fire. Firefighters run
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into the blaze, and they can doso because they have the tools
to fight the fire. Thefirefighters have blankets that
shield them from the heat,especially if the fire overtakes
them. However, they only deploythe blanket when the heat of the
fire is greater than their toolsto extinguish the fire. My rules
are like my own personalfirefighter blanket, shielding
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me from the heat, but if Ideploy that armor all the time,
I lose the benefit of the heat,its ability to transform me. I
could let my rules become thelast resort, not the first
resort. The rest of the blockswere simply a shift in my story.
New Story pressure is thecatalyst. Old story. Pressure is
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a test. New Story. The feelingmeans I have something to learn.
Old story, the feeling means I'mmaking a mistake. New Story.
When something happens thatlooks like a problem or a
challenge, I welcome it becausethe heat will allow me to
rewrite the past, old story.
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When something happens thatlooks like a problem or a
challenge, I want it to go away.
Rush through steps to get to theend. New Story, I keep the
portal open by assuming positiveintent. Whatever is happening is
happening for me, not to me. Oldstory, I close the portal when I
want to prove myself to makewhatever is happening to me
stop. New Story, the source ofthe pressure can tell me what to
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do, when to do, and how to do inthe present moment. Old story, I
have the answers for what to doin the present moment. New
Story, play the game of warmer,colder, to rebalance my negative
positive pole, old story, overand under, react to get to the
end new story. Build trust andconnection through listening and
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give and take. Seek power withnot power over and under. Old
story, command and control. Seekeither power over or power
under. New Story, break thepicture down to smaller and
smaller frames, so that in doingthe work, I'm unleashing my
tools. Old story rush to get tothe end so I could feel good
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about myself. New Story. Thepoint of all of this is to build
more inner capacity. Old storythe point of all of this is to
allow the end product to defineme. New story problems are a
gift designed to unleash thetrue me. Old story problems are
to be avoided because theyreveal the less than perfect
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parts about me. I. New Storypressure elevates me. Old story
pressure crushes me. Perceptionmay be one of our most powerful
tools. The story I tell aboutwhat I observe, matters as much,
if not more, than the facts infront of me. Nothing is
(15:18):
personal. Proving myself onlybuilds more armor. If I'm
building more inner capacity, Ineed to give up the need for
certainty, control and answers.
Rules are automatic, tools arefluid. My opportunity to raise
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my pressure threshold onlyhappened when things didn't go
as planned. Now I see mistakesas a key to open a doorway to
another room. I can choose toenter the doorway if I want. I
can also choose to stay rightwhere I am. Michelangelo said
Beauty is the purgation ofsuperfluities. Every block of
stone has a statue inside of it,and it is the task of the
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sculptor to discover it. So itis with tools. They are
unleashed. They are sculpted.
They appear when the rules getin the way. The new dimension
offers discomfort, upheaval andpokes holes in my understanding
of the world. It reveals what Ithought to be true might not be
true, the new dimension chipsaway the imposed rules of my
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conditioning to unleashed mytools. Perhaps an even better
analogy is how diamonds areformed with the heat and
pressure the tools are unleashedwith heat and pressure. For some
reason, I've always thought ofthe problems at work as balls.
Perhaps it's because clicheslike the balls in your court, or
keep your eye on the ball, orit's a whole different ball
(16:45):
game. Or my least favorite, youdropped the ball when driving
home after my first ride withMarley, I realized I was in a
whole different ball game. Thiswas so different, it was like
another room or doorway toanother dimension. Bruce loved
adding pressure and throwingproblems at me, because it was
in solving those problems underpressure that I would become. I
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had always thought that becominghappened in practice and
performing under pressure provedit. He turned that idea on its
head. Life is the canvas onwhich we become through the
problems we face. In keepingwith my ball analogy, this new
dimension is like living in aworld with two different kinds
of ball machines. Just for thesake of this illustration
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picture, a ball throwing machinesending tennis balls, baseballs
and softballs at you. Themachine doesn't have many
settings, so the balls will comein three sizes and in three
speeds, always from the samedirection as the machine. With a
little bit of time and practice,you will get very good at
catching those balls. When themachine is set on low and a
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softball shoots out of themachine, you would have an easy
time catching it. When themachine is really cranked up and
about to send a baseball yourway, you might grab a glove to
catch it. Over time, you willknow every signal those balls
send. The sound of a tennis ballversus a baseball will land on
your skilled ears. Your fingerswill close differently on a
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softball versus a baseball. Withenough practice, you will be so
good at catching those ballsthat you will be able to do it
subconsciously. You've come toknow the pattern, and have
developed your own pattern forsuccess. Catching those balls
will become an automatic skill.
You will know how to catch themeach and every time, because you
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have learned a rule for that,for the balls that slip by,
you've developed a thick skin,sort of like an armor, the balls
you don't catch never touch you.
You have 1000s, if not millions,of rules that tell you how to
automatically deal with thesituations that push your
buttons. By now, those rules areunconscious. You just do them
whether they work or not.
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Now, imagine a world of infiniteballs coming at you. Instead of
three variations, the types ofballs are limitless. Imagine
everything from a giant blow upbeach ball to a tiny ball as
thin as a bubble machine mightmake. It's a world of millions
of balls and millions ofpossibilities and combinations.
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In this new world, not only arethe types of balls endless, but
so are the speeds. They could becoming blindingly fast, or they
may float just out of reach.
They may change speed in themiddle of the path. In fact,
they could even change theirpath. The balls in this second
world can come from anywhere atany time, because you never know
where they are coming from, orwhen they are coming, or how
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fast they are coming, or evenwhether they will pop if you
grab them too hard or hurt ifyou don't have a glove, you will
respond to the balls in thisworld in a totally new way.
Rather than using yourunconscious rules, you will need
to be much more aware. You willhave to tune in and pay
attention. Question so you cancatch the balls you want to
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catch and allow the others todrop by the wayside. In this new
world, tools help you much morethan rules. You will always be
learning. You will drop balls,make mistakes and face
rejection. As you shed yourrules, you will fail, and your
mistakes and failures will buildyour tools and expand your
repertoire, the options areunlimited, as long as you keep
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learning. Rules are automatic,tools are fluid. When we face
pressure, our first choice iswhether to react, ie rules or
respond. Tools. Rules allow usto react, and sometimes that is
exactly what is needed. Toolsallow us to respond in the
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present moment to precisely whatis needed in that moment.
Reaching for our tools opens upour repertoire and gives us
something better to do thanbuild more armor. When
unexpected things get thrown atus and uncertainty bills and
things are not going accordingto plan, and people are not
behaving in beneficial ways.
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Rules tend to miss the markbecause they were designed for a
different time and differentcircumstance. That's when we
need our tools to solve theproblem. Tools allow you to
solve problems you've never seenbefore and create new solutions
for old problems where our ruleshave failed us. Chapter 13, the
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art of living, pulling ittogether, working with Bruce's
system over the past couple ofyears offered a maddening
paradox. I had answers, while atthe same time, I had no answers.
From the minute he starteddescribing his system in the
first phone call, I could trackwith what he described. He was a
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practical scientist sharing whathe had discovered empirically
over the years. So when we wentthrough the pieces, they lined
up with my experience and thatof the brain science dealing
with the survival mode ofmammals, yet my insight that
pressure is the catalyst, not atest, did not line up with the
experience of the clients. Ibrought to work with Bruce. Time
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after time, I brought them toCamden for a day long session
outdoors with the horses,excited for them to experience,
working on fear, being betterunder pressure, and learning to
develop trust and connection.
Time after time. I left thesession hearing Bruce say the
same things over and over again.
I thought, When will he ever saysomething new? Time after time,
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the clients tell me some versionof the same thing. It felt like
I was in a test. I can tellthere's a system there, and if I
could just figure out thesystem, then I would be able to
give him the right answers theywanted definitions such as
picture, brain, negative,positive, pole, mental tools and
conduit. They wantedinstructions on how to tie a
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halter and work with a lead ropeand understand the inner
workings of a Lariat. Initially,I explained away their
frustration is part of Bruce'smethod. I believed it was a one
off, nothing to worry about.
However, I recalled a lessonfrom many years before the
teacher and one of myfacilitator training sessions
gave some guidance to those ofus who were struggling to
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decipher which feedback weshould ignore and which to
accept. He said, Look, if oneperson calls you a horse's ass.
It's probably about them. If sixpeople call you a horse's ass,
it's time to saddle up. Giventhat we were up to six clients
struggling with the same beliefabout the pressure test, I
realized it was time for me tosaddle up, not withstanding the
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fact that Bruce would not let mesaddle up for the longest time.
One day with a client having hisfirst session. We started, as
always, with a porch session. Ihad brought my iPad and pencil
to take notes. Bruce wentthrough the same spiel he had
done many times before. Insteadof internally bemoaning the
repetition, I listened with theears of a beginner. Soon, my pen
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started moving as a picturebegan to emerge on the tablet.
Over the next hour or so, thefollowing drawing came together.
Now for the listener, I'm goingto describe this drawing, but
I'm also going to offer that Ican send this and the final
drawing to you if you send me anemail at lan@landcarnes.com it's
also published in my book. Butfor those listening, imagine a
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picture with a triangle on thebottom and an upside down,
upside down triangle above it inthe middle, at the point where
those two triangles cometogether, is the idea of
learning in the froth below thatI could take the path that makes
me stronger. On the bottom sothings like Bruce talked about
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with tools, balancing yourpoles, learning to live instead
of exist, on the top of it atthe choice point, which that
middle section represents. Thechoice point is the idea of, I
can think I'm making a mistake.
I can be. Myself up. I can letmy past interfere. I can let the
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pressure crush me. And the onthis side, I'm existing. So the
big message on the bottom halfof the pyramid, I can live, or
on the top half of the pyramid,I can exist. And there's a lot
of detail around this thing asit came together, but it really
showed me what Bruce was tryingto teach in this picture. Back
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to the book. Finally, I had thebeginnings of a picture of what
I had been experiencing in thiswork, the quest to be perfect.
Diagrammed at the top, the pointof choice in the middle,
offering a moment of truth toexist or live. The bottom
depicting me living from my truecenter, Bruce's method put us
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through the bottom over and overagain. Seeing it on paper made
me welcome the agitation all themore. What really stood out on
this drawing were three things,the art of living, exist or
live. There it was drawn by myown hand. The reason I kept
coming back, even though Brucehad been so slow to put me on
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the horse, I was chasing theoption to live, to be fully
alive while I was alive, thetools are as natural as the air
we breathe. Curiosity, feel,timing, patience, discipline,
observation, listening, hearing.
I can imagine one of myancestors living in the pre
modern age. Perhaps he knew howto set a trap to catch dinner or
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gather fur for a coat, livingoff the land. He didn't have
Google to tell him where to findthe animals. He watched, he
waited, he discovered. Helearned he felt when his
negative pull went up. It mighthave been because he realized
that the trap had failed, or hehad chosen the wrong place, or
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he was being watched. Hefollowed his instincts with a
well developed sense of thesubtle cues of nature, he knew
how to play the game of warmercolder until he got it right.
The same was true for thosegrowing and gathering food.
Where did the plants grow thebest? When was the right time to
plant? What kind of soil wasneeded? Knowledge of the land
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and the seasons was passed fromone generation to the next, and
that knowledge was amplified ineach generation until the dawn
of the modern age. I'm oldenough to remember our milk
being delivered in glass bottlesand our diapers being cloth held
together with safety pins whenwe left the house in our old
cars, our parents usually had noway to contact us until we came
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back home. We got our news onceor twice a day and then went out
to play until dark. Now Dang,I'm starting to sound like an
old timer. Remember the good olddays? No, I'm not going to say
we want miles and miles toschool and deep drifts of snow,
but the modern age that wassupposed to make our lives
simpler and easier has taken usaway from our nature. We've
outsourced almost every aspectof daily living that our
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ancestors did with their ownhands. Grocery stores have
replaced our gardens, and carshave replaced our horses for the
past several 1000 years, untilabout 100 years ago, horses were
the primary form oftransportation. A family without
a horse suffered hugedisadvantages in living, much
less surviving in daily life.
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Living in the natural worldoffers pressures that are often
more consequential than thepressures of modern living.
Nature's world demands that werespect it. The ocean, forest
and plains don't care if we arenot up to the pressures of the
waves, weather and wind. Innature's world, we reach for our
tools or die. Man's worldperverts our natural resources
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to its own end. Survival Modegets triggered in work settings,
and our brains at the deepestlevel don't know the difference
between the threat of death andthe threat of not getting the
next promotion. We do what wemust to show others we deserve
to be there and quell thehomeless sequence, which goes
something like this, I need thisjob. If something happens that
threatens this job, I need to doeverything in my power to keep
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this job, because if I lose it,I won't be able to pay my rent
or buy my food. If I can't paymy rent, I will end up homeless,
and then they will find me deadon the street in a dark, sad
alley. We feel the pressure andtake it the wrong way. If
pressure is a test to showothers we are good enough, we
are doomed to live at the mercyof those whose approval we seek.
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If pressure is a catalyst tounleash our true nature, we can
truly live while we are alive.
The chicken scratch drawingeventually evolved into this and
again, for the listener, this isa finished, more graphically
designed version of what I drewon my iPad that day, glad to
send it to you if you send me anemail. Lynn@lencarnes.com over
the next couple of years, Ibegan using this drawing with
(29:48):
clients, both before and after.
They worked with Bruce, thesimple choice point in the
middle offered a clear pictureof the challenge they faced when
the pressure got high. Moreimportant. Certainly the bottom
half showed a path to becomingmentally stronger, rather than
mentally scolded, quote,unquote, on the path of the
mistake cycle. Research onbreaking habits has taught us
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that stopping a behavior doesn'twork. What Works is starting a
new behavior. I can attest tothis practice when I quit
smoking many years ago, yes, Ismoked. I began building a model
airplane and needle pointing togive my antsy hands something
better to do than reach for acigarette. The mistake cycle may
have bigger consequences thansmoking. It consumes the mind
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with all the ways we are nogood, permeating our very being.
The what's next cycle offers analternative. We don't have to
fix the mistake cycle. We simplyhave to tune in to the agitation
of pressure to propel our energyinto the what's next flywheel.
Again, in the book, there is achart. It's called the growth
(30:55):
type rope, and it shows thedifference between these two
cycles. And I'll send this toanyone who asks at Lynn
atlancarnes.com, back to thebook the five C's navigating the
summer of 2020. Gave me manychances to turn into the heat.
Having the picture of his methoddown on paper made a huge
(31:16):
difference in being able toreach for my tools when the
pressure was high. The diagrambecame a central piece in my
coaching with clients, I learnedmore about using pressure as a
catalyst as I began bringingthese insights to my clients. In
doing so, I recognized yet onemore missing piece, or should I
say, missing pieces, in someways, the journey had come full
(31:38):
circle, just because we couldclearly see and understand the
difference between reaching forrules versus tools did not mean
we could do it consistently inthat moment of choice, something
else was at play, that somethingelse was tipping the scales in
favor of doing things the oldway the rules still ruled.
Something in my rules weightedthe balance in choosing between
(32:01):
tools and rules, especially whenthe pressure became greater than
my mental tools. But how? Why?
The key question when I'm in thefroth, what resources do I need
in order to reach for my tools?
The answer was a paradox. I hadto be aware of the choice.
(32:23):
Indeed, self awareness anchoredevery choice. Yet under
pressure, awareness was elusive.
There was a direct correlationbetween my level of self
awareness and my ability toreach for my tools under
pressure. How deep was I willingto dig it's one thing to change
the story in my conscious mind,and quite another to put that
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story into action when thepressure is intense, remember
the rules are automatic. Theylive in the subconscious
survival brain, the flywheel ofthe mistake cycle, spends with a
lifetime of stored energy makingthe difficult choice in the heat
of the moment requires a higherstandard of awareness from me,
or, should I say, a deeperstandard. If I were to gain more
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internal fitness and capacity, Ihad to acknowledge what the
horses were showing me aboutmyself. Just because I was
committed to change did not meananything would truly change.
Nope. Commitment may energize meto sign up for the gym after my
New Year's resolution, but Ineed much more to stay after it.
Commitment is just the firstlevel. From the moment I first
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recognized that I needed moreself awareness and in all the
Wake Up Calls I had over theyears. I mean, remember my first
ambulance ride where I thoughtno one else could do my job. The
question had always been, howdeep Am I willing to go to find
the truth of who I am, parsingwhat is true about me versus
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what is part of my armor feelsscarier than it really is. The
rules are born from fear, andthey use fear like a perpetual
motion machine. The armor of myrules is all about protection,
and I would argue that somerules are necessary. Many years
ago, when I took flying lessons,the rules of flying kept me
safe. There was a checklist foreverything from the pre flight
(34:14):
to the starting the plane to howto recover from a stall. All of
those rules or the product ofother pilots, learning what
works and doesn't when operatinga vehicle that can fall from the
sky. However, just following therules doesn't make anyone a good
pilot. Good judgment plays acritical role. The overconfident
pilot who takes a plane up whenthe conditions are sketchy might
(34:37):
discover the adage, it's a wholelot better to be on the ground
wishing you were up there, thenit is to be up there wishing you
were on the ground. On the otherhand, the under confident pilot
who stays on the ground becauseof last lack of trust in him or
herself to handle the inevitablesurprises of flight is no pilot
at all, unless we challenge.
(34:59):
Change the hidden fears in therules, we will use those fears
to fix the fears without beingaware that we are stuffing those
fears in the basement of ourinner world. Releasing my armor
involves developing selfawareness, no more fear hoarding
self awareness involves aconstant cycle of going ever
deeper to clear the basement.
Oh, musty fears that are nolonger serving here's where the
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paradox comes in. Trying todevelop self awareness alone is
like standing in a bucket andtrying to lift it up. The weight
in the bucket and the strengthof the person in the bucket
offset each other and hold thebucket in place. The protective
inner self will offset theseeking self, maintaining a
sense of equilibrium, which ofcourse, perpetuates the same old
(35:44):
pattern. We need an outsidemirror to help us see the truth
of ourselves if we expect tobring our best to the journey.
While I cannot be my own mirror,I can bring a willingness to
learn about myself. Dancing thetightrope involves developing a
fair bit of self awarenessthrough five stages of self
awareness. The five stages arecommitment. I want the truth.
(36:09):
How willing Am I to understandmore about my inner self and my
impact on others? We'll coverthat in chapter 14. Curiosity.
Seek the truth, what's in there,what's out there. CHAPTER 15,
courage, face the truth. Whatwill it take for me to face
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what's in there and what's outthere? We'll cover that in
chapter 16, congruence, show mytruth. What will it take for me
to own what's in there andwhat's out there? That will
cover that in chapter 17, andclarity. Live my truth. How can
I begin to unleash what's trueabout me, and how can I create
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the space for others to be trueto themselves, we cover that in
chapter 18, we can only allowothers as much freedom as we
allow ourselves. Armor locks usdown. If we are locked down, we
will lock down others, whetherwe mean to or not. We owe it to
ourselves and our horses andothers to open up to a dance
(37:19):
where we each have a voice,where we give and take in a rich
exchange of trust andconnection. In my story about
Diane, I went through all ofthese levels in short order.
Initially, I had committed tothat project because it was my
job. That kind of commitment isactually compliance, by the way.
When it became clear that Iwould have to look at myself, I
(37:41):
bailed out until Diane committedsuicide. The shock of her act,
whether it was defiance orpremature perfection, energized
me to my core when I told SteveI was back in. It wasn't a small
commitment. I was in with acapital I
suddenly I wanted to know why.
Curiosity. I was determined towalk through fire to learn what
(38:06):
was driving me. Courage. Idropped some of my pretenses
acknowledging what I didn'tknow, congruence. My inner eyes
pierced through the opaquenessof my armor to know that Diane's
fate would not be my ownclarity. The many steps in a
self awareness journey takes usthrough these levels over and
over again, we can oftenrecognize where we are by simply
(38:30):
asking, Where am I not?
Committed, curious, courageous,congruent and clear these five
C's, or my steps into mybasement took me across the
summer of 2020 as I dove deeperinto getting over my fear of
(38:51):
having another accident like theone that set all of this in
motion. Thank you for listeningto the creative spirits unleash
podcast. I started this podcastbecause I was having these great
conversations, and I wanted toshare them with others. I'm
always learning in theseconversations, and I wanted to
share that kind of learning withyou. Now what I need to hear
(39:13):
from you is what you want moreof and what you want less of. I
really want these podcasts to beof value for the listeners.
Also, if you happen to knowsomeone who you think might love
them, please share the podcastand of course, subscribe and
rate it on the different appsthat you're using, because
that's how others will find it.
Now, I hope you go and dosomething very fun today. You.
Lynn, Welcome to Creative Spirits Unleashed, where we talk
about the dilemmas of balancingwork and life. And now here's
your host. Lynn Carnes,
Lynn (00:20):
welcome to the Creative Spirits Unleash Podcast. I'm
Lynn Carnes, your host, and inthis series, I am your reader.
This episode includes dancingthe tightrope. Chapters 12, the
froth is my friend, and 13, TheArt of Living. These chapters
mark a turning point in myjourney of making friends with
pressure. To this day, I stillfind it difficult to explain how
(00:44):
different this approach topressure and to life is from the
typical approach espoused inHigh Performance Coaching
elsewhere, rereading these twochapters several years later,
I'm still pleased with how wellthese two chapters explain the
pressure as a catalyst approach.
However, it is dang nearimpossible to understand if you
haven't experienced it. The bestanalogy I've come up with is
(01:08):
what I call the fish story. Fishdon't know they live in water.
Water is all they know. On theother hand, dolphins are aware
of the world of water, and ofcourse, they are also aware of
air, since they must surface tobreathe, learning about the
unseen forces that impacted theway I dealt with pressure was a
(01:29):
little like being a fish whodiscovered there was a whole
different world in order tobreak the surface and breathe
the air of life, I had to askmyself some tough questions
along The way. These twochapters break down the
distinction between pressure andthe thing causing the pressure,
and also those tough questions Imentioned before, which I
(01:53):
believe apply to anyone seekingthe signal of a genuine life
admits the noise of the modernworld. I hope you enjoy these
two chapters of dancing thetightrope, and as always, please
share this with your friends orcolleagues that you think might
find it interesting orinformative for them, rate it on
the podcast platform and soforth, so that we can get the
(02:16):
word out. I really appreciateyou listening to these chapters.
Chapter 12, the froth is myfriend, the healing nature of
the heat through these differentmoments of truth, I became aware
that the tiny shifts I had beenmaking for the past two and a
half years were definitelychanging my response to
(02:37):
pressure. It's not as if Isuddenly was a totally new
person. I didn't always reachfor my tools. I still had plenty
of moments where I set my energyto the flywheel of my rules,
seeking to avoid the mistake andprove myself. However, more of
me was shining through,especially in moments of
pressure. People's world feltlike it had less of a hold on my
(03:00):
soul. Mistakes did not triggerme as often or as deeply when I
felt my negative positive polefire up, I tuned into the heat,
welcoming it as oftransformational force. Fire
burns and it also cooks. Firedestroys and it also liberates.
Fire transforms wood to ash andash to soil and soil to plants,
(03:20):
and plants to food. Fire isdeath. Fire is life. Fire became
my metaphor for pressure. Wehumans have a complex
relationship with fire. One ofthe first survival skills, one
living off the land, must haveis the ability to build a fire,
the flames and heat not onlyoffer warmth and a means by
(03:40):
which to cook a meal in thewilderness, fire offers
protection from visitors in thenight who might mean us harm. On
the other hand, fire unleasheddecimates everything in its path
we've seen out of control.
Forest fires raged through 1000sof acres and through towns and
(04:01):
neighborhoods. Even then, fireoffers a fresh start. In the
early years of the national parksystem, fire was deemed
universally bad, and firesuppression became official
policy. Both man made and firescaused naturally by lightning
were put out with the assumptionthat fire caused only harm. Over
(04:21):
the years, the National ParkService began to realize that
fire was actually a naturalevent, and it had a role in
clearing underbrush and deadvegetation, opening certain
types of seeds, creating a freshstart for many plants and
wildlife, and otherwisecultivating a healthy forest.
Our human reaction to helpactually interfered with
(04:43):
nature's way. Changing theunderstanding of the role of
fire in a healthy forest andplanet. Changed the response to
fire. Official policy changed toaccount for the need for fire to
burn in order for a forest toremain healthy. Now I was a year
into writing lessons and two anda half. Half years past my
(05:04):
accident, the horses, with theguidance of Bruce and Lynn, were
showing me more distinctionsabout balance, much like the
National Park Service,understanding that man's
interference created animbalance that damaged nature, I
was discovering that many of theimbalances within me and around
me could be changed. I had morechoices than I had seen before.
(05:28):
Ironically, I had an exchangewith someone I barely knew,
somewhere in this time frame,she had heard about my accident
and knew I was relearning how toride. We got around to talking
about our work and hobbies andher love of horses, and at some
point she looked at me and said,Wow, you do a lot? How can you
(05:49):
get good at any of those things?
Her question took me back atfirst. After all, I'm the coach
who tells people that focus iscritical, then something crucial
hit me and I said, I'm notreally doing a bunch of things.
I'm not rowing or throwingpottery or coaching or skiing or
writing or painting, I'm doingone thing. I'm working on myself
(06:09):
under pressure. What I didn'tsay was as important as what I
said I didn't say. I'm learningto stop a horse, or I'm learning
how to ride without mistakes, oreven I'm learning to deal with
my fears. Looking back on it,this exchange fell into the
adage, be careful what you wishfor. You just may get it. I
(06:30):
didn't know it yet, but I wouldcome to believe the accident was
one of the best things that everhappened to me. The past two and
a half years prepared me for theheat of 2020 as it invited me to
a roaring bonfire with thepotential to burn off the
underbrush of my old rules,beliefs and assumptions. The
(06:51):
invitation was not engraved,nope. This invitation came in
the form of pressure from everydirection, with lots of
opportunities to make mistakes,to fail, to beat myself up and
to otherwise perpetuate my rulesor I could reach for my tools.
The next six to eight months, Ifaced pressure on every front,
(07:11):
just as the world was about tobe shut down with the COVID 19
pandemic, my dad left this earthfor his eternal journey, while I
continued to work with horsesand challenges arose in every
domain, from family to mycoaching practice, to my water
skiing and my art. Every type ofpressure brought the potential
(07:32):
to either crush or elevate me.
One core insight gave me thefreedom to welcome the heat.
Pressure is a catalyst, not atest. All the complexity of the
past two and a half years boileddown to turning one huge
assumption on its head, and likewood blocks in a game of Jenga,
(07:52):
a whole cascade of oldassumptions and beliefs came
tumbling down after. Pressure isnot a test. Pressure is a
catalyst. Pressure is theleverage that brings me closer
to my true nature. My old waytook me out of the heat as a way
to prepare for the heat, whetherin my home or at a retreat, I
meditated, journaled, reflectedand worked on my skills. All of
(08:16):
these methods are excellent waysto prepare for pressure.
However, I've learned somethingessential on this pressure
journey, nothing substitutes forthe choices I make while under
pressure. My new way was to turninto the pressure as the way I
would learn, reach for my toolsand keep recalibrating. In other
(08:37):
words, the heat of pressureoffers the opportunity to burn
off the armor of my oldpatterns, beliefs, assumptions
and discover new possibilities.
It's not a test to ace. Pressureis the catalyst for learning,
growing and becoming. Pressureelevates me if I stay present
and choose to welcome it.
However, pressure createsdiscomfort, a quote usually
(09:01):
attributed to Victor Frankelsays, between stimulants and
response, there is a space, andthat space is our power to
choose our response, and ourresponse lies our growth and our
freedomthe world of choice happens in
that discomforting space, a tinylittle moment in time when I can
reach for my tools or revert tothe flywheel of my mistake
(09:22):
cycle, the moment I feelpressure, whether it's a one or
10 on a scale of one to 10, I'min the froth. The level of
discomfort doesn't matter. Myautomatic, robotic response is
to make the discomfort go away.
It's not necessary for me toconsciously think mistake for
(09:42):
the robot to run me. It takeseffort to take controls from the
robot. No longer did I have tothink of things happening to me
with this insight. I could seepressure and things not going my
way as happening for me. Thenthe Jenga block started falling
away. I. The first block to fallwas my story about the physical
(10:03):
sensation of pressure. WhenBruce said on the very first
day, it's not the horse, it'sthe pressure created by the
horse, I was confused. Ithought, of course, it's the
horse. Can't you see? He's rightthere, either doing or not doing
what I've asked him to do. Hecan kick me, he can bite me, and
he can do nothing when I wanthim to do something. Bruce said
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the same about every kind ofpressure. It's not the boss,
it's the pressure created by theboss. It's not the problem, it's
the pressure created by theproblem. It's not the traffic
jam, it's the pressure createdby the traffic jam. Now I saw
it. No, I felt it differently.
It's not the horse. It's thefeeling I get inside when the
(10:47):
horse doesn't do what I ask himto do. It's not the boss. It's
the feeling I get inside whenthe boss says, We need to talk
about your performance. It's notthe problem, it's the feeling I
get inside when the probleminterferes with things going
smoothly. It's not the trafficjam, it's the feeling I get
(11:08):
inside when the traffic jammakes me late. The pressures are
endless, and so are the storiesI tell about them. Pressure
evokes the emotions that actlike glue holding the past in
place. When the old emotionsrise to the surface, I can
either do the same thing I havealways done, or I can choose a
(11:29):
new story, a new action, adifferent way of being. In other
words, pressure is a solventthat loosens the glue of the
emotions. It's like pressureopens a portal to my personal
change. Pressure creates theopportunity to tell a new story.
The story I had been tellingabout the feeling was the thing
(11:53):
that was off. The feeling wasnot a test. It was a signal.
When I label the feeling asanxiety, avoidance appeared to
be my only option. When Ilabeled the feeling as a signal,
it opened my curiosity tolisten, discover and reach for
my tools and ask the pivotalquestion, what's next? Perhaps I
was coming someone who could runinto the fire. Firefighters run
(12:18):
into the blaze, and they can doso because they have the tools
to fight the fire. Thefirefighters have blankets that
shield them from the heat,especially if the fire overtakes
them. However, they only deploythe blanket when the heat of the
fire is greater than their toolsto extinguish the fire. My rules
are like my own personalfirefighter blanket, shielding
(12:39):
me from the heat, but if Ideploy that armor all the time,
I lose the benefit of the heat,its ability to transform me. I
could let my rules become thelast resort, not the first
resort. The rest of the blockswere simply a shift in my story.
New Story pressure is thecatalyst. Old story. Pressure is
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a test. New Story. The feelingmeans I have something to learn.
Old story, the feeling means I'mmaking a mistake. New Story.
When something happens thatlooks like a problem or a
challenge, I welcome it becausethe heat will allow me to
rewrite the past, old story.
(13:23):
When something happens thatlooks like a problem or a
challenge, I want it to go away.
Rush through steps to get to theend. New Story, I keep the
portal open by assuming positiveintent. Whatever is happening is
happening for me, not to me. Oldstory, I close the portal when I
want to prove myself to makewhatever is happening to me
stop. New Story, the source ofthe pressure can tell me what to
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do, when to do, and how to do inthe present moment. Old story, I
have the answers for what to doin the present moment. New
Story, play the game of warmer,colder, to rebalance my negative
positive pole, old story, overand under, react to get to the
end new story. Build trust andconnection through listening and
(14:12):
give and take. Seek power withnot power over and under. Old
story, command and control. Seekeither power over or power
under. New Story, break thepicture down to smaller and
smaller frames, so that in doingthe work, I'm unleashing my
tools. Old story rush to get tothe end so I could feel good
(14:32):
about myself. New Story. Thepoint of all of this is to build
more inner capacity. Old storythe point of all of this is to
allow the end product to defineme. New story problems are a
gift designed to unleash thetrue me. Old story problems are
to be avoided because theyreveal the less than perfect
(14:56):
parts about me. I. New Storypressure elevates me. Old story
pressure crushes me. Perceptionmay be one of our most powerful
tools. The story I tell aboutwhat I observe, matters as much,
if not more, than the facts infront of me. Nothing is
(15:18):
personal. Proving myself onlybuilds more armor. If I'm
building more inner capacity, Ineed to give up the need for
certainty, control and answers.
Rules are automatic, tools arefluid. My opportunity to raise
(15:39):
my pressure threshold onlyhappened when things didn't go
as planned. Now I see mistakesas a key to open a doorway to
another room. I can choose toenter the doorway if I want. I
can also choose to stay rightwhere I am. Michelangelo said
Beauty is the purgation ofsuperfluities. Every block of
stone has a statue inside of it,and it is the task of the
(16:01):
sculptor to discover it. So itis with tools. They are
unleashed. They are sculpted.
They appear when the rules getin the way. The new dimension
offers discomfort, upheaval andpokes holes in my understanding
of the world. It reveals what Ithought to be true might not be
true, the new dimension chipsaway the imposed rules of my
(16:23):
conditioning to unleashed mytools. Perhaps an even better
analogy is how diamonds areformed with the heat and
pressure the tools are unleashedwith heat and pressure. For some
reason, I've always thought ofthe problems at work as balls.
Perhaps it's because clicheslike the balls in your court, or
keep your eye on the ball, orit's a whole different ball
(16:45):
game. Or my least favorite, youdropped the ball when driving
home after my first ride withMarley, I realized I was in a
whole different ball game. Thiswas so different, it was like
another room or doorway toanother dimension. Bruce loved
adding pressure and throwingproblems at me, because it was
in solving those problems underpressure that I would become. I
(17:06):
had always thought that becominghappened in practice and
performing under pressure provedit. He turned that idea on its
head. Life is the canvas onwhich we become through the
problems we face. In keepingwith my ball analogy, this new
dimension is like living in aworld with two different kinds
of ball machines. Just for thesake of this illustration
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picture, a ball throwing machinesending tennis balls, baseballs
and softballs at you. Themachine doesn't have many
settings, so the balls will comein three sizes and in three
speeds, always from the samedirection as the machine. With a
little bit of time and practice,you will get very good at
catching those balls. When themachine is set on low and a
(17:50):
softball shoots out of themachine, you would have an easy
time catching it. When themachine is really cranked up and
about to send a baseball yourway, you might grab a glove to
catch it. Over time, you willknow every signal those balls
send. The sound of a tennis ballversus a baseball will land on
your skilled ears. Your fingerswill close differently on a
(18:11):
softball versus a baseball. Withenough practice, you will be so
good at catching those ballsthat you will be able to do it
subconsciously. You've come toknow the pattern, and have
developed your own pattern forsuccess. Catching those balls
will become an automatic skill.
You will know how to catch themeach and every time, because you
(18:33):
have learned a rule for that,for the balls that slip by,
you've developed a thick skin,sort of like an armor, the balls
you don't catch never touch you.
You have 1000s, if not millions,of rules that tell you how to
automatically deal with thesituations that push your
buttons. By now, those rules areunconscious. You just do them
whether they work or not.
(18:56):
Now, imagine a world of infiniteballs coming at you. Instead of
three variations, the types ofballs are limitless. Imagine
everything from a giant blow upbeach ball to a tiny ball as
thin as a bubble machine mightmake. It's a world of millions
of balls and millions ofpossibilities and combinations.
(19:17):
In this new world, not only arethe types of balls endless, but
so are the speeds. They could becoming blindingly fast, or they
may float just out of reach.
They may change speed in themiddle of the path. In fact,
they could even change theirpath. The balls in this second
world can come from anywhere atany time, because you never know
where they are coming from, orwhen they are coming, or how
(19:40):
fast they are coming, or evenwhether they will pop if you
grab them too hard or hurt ifyou don't have a glove, you will
respond to the balls in thisworld in a totally new way.
Rather than using yourunconscious rules, you will need
to be much more aware. You willhave to tune in and pay
attention. Question so you cancatch the balls you want to
(20:01):
catch and allow the others todrop by the wayside. In this new
world, tools help you much morethan rules. You will always be
learning. You will drop balls,make mistakes and face
rejection. As you shed yourrules, you will fail, and your
mistakes and failures will buildyour tools and expand your
repertoire, the options areunlimited, as long as you keep
(20:22):
learning. Rules are automatic,tools are fluid. When we face
pressure, our first choice iswhether to react, ie rules or
respond. Tools. Rules allow usto react, and sometimes that is
exactly what is needed. Toolsallow us to respond in the
(20:43):
present moment to precisely whatis needed in that moment.
Reaching for our tools opens upour repertoire and gives us
something better to do thanbuild more armor. When
unexpected things get thrown atus and uncertainty bills and
things are not going accordingto plan, and people are not
behaving in beneficial ways.
(21:04):
Rules tend to miss the markbecause they were designed for a
different time and differentcircumstance. That's when we
need our tools to solve theproblem. Tools allow you to
solve problems you've never seenbefore and create new solutions
for old problems where our ruleshave failed us. Chapter 13, the
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art of living, pulling ittogether, working with Bruce's
system over the past couple ofyears offered a maddening
paradox. I had answers, while atthe same time, I had no answers.
From the minute he starteddescribing his system in the
first phone call, I could trackwith what he described. He was a
(21:47):
practical scientist sharing whathe had discovered empirically
over the years. So when we wentthrough the pieces, they lined
up with my experience and thatof the brain science dealing
with the survival mode ofmammals, yet my insight that
pressure is the catalyst, not atest, did not line up with the
experience of the clients. Ibrought to work with Bruce. Time
(22:08):
after time, I brought them toCamden for a day long session
outdoors with the horses,excited for them to experience,
working on fear, being betterunder pressure, and learning to
develop trust and connection.
Time after time. I left thesession hearing Bruce say the
same things over and over again.
I thought, When will he ever saysomething new? Time after time,
(22:30):
the clients tell me some versionof the same thing. It felt like
I was in a test. I can tellthere's a system there, and if I
could just figure out thesystem, then I would be able to
give him the right answers theywanted definitions such as
picture, brain, negative,positive, pole, mental tools and
conduit. They wantedinstructions on how to tie a
(22:51):
halter and work with a lead ropeand understand the inner
workings of a Lariat. Initially,I explained away their
frustration is part of Bruce'smethod. I believed it was a one
off, nothing to worry about.
However, I recalled a lessonfrom many years before the
teacher and one of myfacilitator training sessions
gave some guidance to those ofus who were struggling to
(23:11):
decipher which feedback weshould ignore and which to
accept. He said, Look, if oneperson calls you a horse's ass.
It's probably about them. If sixpeople call you a horse's ass,
it's time to saddle up. Giventhat we were up to six clients
struggling with the same beliefabout the pressure test, I
realized it was time for me tosaddle up, not withstanding the
(23:34):
fact that Bruce would not let mesaddle up for the longest time.
One day with a client having hisfirst session. We started, as
always, with a porch session. Ihad brought my iPad and pencil
to take notes. Bruce wentthrough the same spiel he had
done many times before. Insteadof internally bemoaning the
repetition, I listened with theears of a beginner. Soon, my pen
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started moving as a picturebegan to emerge on the tablet.
Over the next hour or so, thefollowing drawing came together.
Now for the listener, I'm goingto describe this drawing, but
I'm also going to offer that Ican send this and the final
drawing to you if you send me anemail at lan@landcarnes.com it's
also published in my book. Butfor those listening, imagine a
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picture with a triangle on thebottom and an upside down,
upside down triangle above it inthe middle, at the point where
those two triangles cometogether, is the idea of
learning in the froth below thatI could take the path that makes
me stronger. On the bottom sothings like Bruce talked about
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with tools, balancing yourpoles, learning to live instead
of exist, on the top of it atthe choice point, which that
middle section represents. Thechoice point is the idea of, I
can think I'm making a mistake.
I can be. Myself up. I can letmy past interfere. I can let the
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pressure crush me. And the onthis side, I'm existing. So the
big message on the bottom halfof the pyramid, I can live, or
on the top half of the pyramid,I can exist. And there's a lot
of detail around this thing asit came together, but it really
showed me what Bruce was tryingto teach in this picture. Back
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to the book. Finally, I had thebeginnings of a picture of what
I had been experiencing in thiswork, the quest to be perfect.
Diagrammed at the top, the pointof choice in the middle,
offering a moment of truth toexist or live. The bottom
depicting me living from my truecenter, Bruce's method put us
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through the bottom over and overagain. Seeing it on paper made
me welcome the agitation all themore. What really stood out on
this drawing were three things,the art of living, exist or
live. There it was drawn by myown hand. The reason I kept
coming back, even though Brucehad been so slow to put me on
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the horse, I was chasing theoption to live, to be fully
alive while I was alive, thetools are as natural as the air
we breathe. Curiosity, feel,timing, patience, discipline,
observation, listening, hearing.
I can imagine one of myancestors living in the pre
modern age. Perhaps he knew howto set a trap to catch dinner or
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gather fur for a coat, livingoff the land. He didn't have
Google to tell him where to findthe animals. He watched, he
waited, he discovered. Helearned he felt when his
negative pull went up. It mighthave been because he realized
that the trap had failed, or hehad chosen the wrong place, or
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he was being watched. Hefollowed his instincts with a
well developed sense of thesubtle cues of nature, he knew
how to play the game of warmercolder until he got it right.
The same was true for thosegrowing and gathering food.
Where did the plants grow thebest? When was the right time to
plant? What kind of soil wasneeded? Knowledge of the land
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and the seasons was passed fromone generation to the next, and
that knowledge was amplified ineach generation until the dawn
of the modern age. I'm oldenough to remember our milk
being delivered in glass bottlesand our diapers being cloth held
together with safety pins whenwe left the house in our old
cars, our parents usually had noway to contact us until we came
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back home. We got our news onceor twice a day and then went out
to play until dark. Now Dang,I'm starting to sound like an
old timer. Remember the good olddays? No, I'm not going to say
we want miles and miles toschool and deep drifts of snow,
but the modern age that wassupposed to make our lives
simpler and easier has taken usaway from our nature. We've
outsourced almost every aspectof daily living that our
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ancestors did with their ownhands. Grocery stores have
replaced our gardens, and carshave replaced our horses for the
past several 1000 years, untilabout 100 years ago, horses were
the primary form oftransportation. A family without
a horse suffered hugedisadvantages in living, much
less surviving in daily life.
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Living in the natural worldoffers pressures that are often
more consequential than thepressures of modern living.
Nature's world demands that werespect it. The ocean, forest
and plains don't care if we arenot up to the pressures of the
waves, weather and wind. Innature's world, we reach for our
tools or die. Man's worldperverts our natural resources
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to its own end. Survival Modegets triggered in work settings,
and our brains at the deepestlevel don't know the difference
between the threat of death andthe threat of not getting the
next promotion. We do what wemust to show others we deserve
to be there and quell thehomeless sequence, which goes
something like this, I need thisjob. If something happens that
threatens this job, I need to doeverything in my power to keep
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this job, because if I lose it,I won't be able to pay my rent
or buy my food. If I can't paymy rent, I will end up homeless,
and then they will find me deadon the street in a dark, sad
alley. We feel the pressure andtake it the wrong way. If
pressure is a test to showothers we are good enough, we
are doomed to live at the mercyof those whose approval we seek.
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If pressure is a catalyst tounleash our true nature, we can
truly live while we are alive.
The chicken scratch drawingeventually evolved into this and
again, for the listener, this isa finished, more graphically
designed version of what I drewon my iPad that day, glad to
send it to you if you send me anemail. Lynn@lencarnes.com over
the next couple of years, Ibegan using this drawing with
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clients, both before and after.
They worked with Bruce, thesimple choice point in the
middle offered a clear pictureof the challenge they faced when
the pressure got high. Moreimportant. Certainly the bottom
half showed a path to becomingmentally stronger, rather than
mentally scolded, quote,unquote, on the path of the
mistake cycle. Research onbreaking habits has taught us
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that stopping a behavior doesn'twork. What Works is starting a
new behavior. I can attest tothis practice when I quit
smoking many years ago, yes, Ismoked. I began building a model
airplane and needle pointing togive my antsy hands something
better to do than reach for acigarette. The mistake cycle may
have bigger consequences thansmoking. It consumes the mind
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with all the ways we are nogood, permeating our very being.
The what's next cycle offers analternative. We don't have to
fix the mistake cycle. We simplyhave to tune in to the agitation
of pressure to propel our energyinto the what's next flywheel.
Again, in the book, there is achart. It's called the growth
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type rope, and it shows thedifference between these two
cycles. And I'll send this toanyone who asks at Lynn
atlancarnes.com, back to thebook the five C's navigating the
summer of 2020. Gave me manychances to turn into the heat.
Having the picture of his methoddown on paper made a huge
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difference in being able toreach for my tools when the
pressure was high. The diagrambecame a central piece in my
coaching with clients, I learnedmore about using pressure as a
catalyst as I began bringingthese insights to my clients. In
doing so, I recognized yet onemore missing piece, or should I
say, missing pieces, in someways, the journey had come full
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circle, just because we couldclearly see and understand the
difference between reaching forrules versus tools did not mean
we could do it consistently inthat moment of choice, something
else was at play, that somethingelse was tipping the scales in
favor of doing things the oldway the rules still ruled.
Something in my rules weightedthe balance in choosing between
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tools and rules, especially whenthe pressure became greater than
my mental tools. But how? Why?
The key question when I'm in thefroth, what resources do I need
in order to reach for my tools?
The answer was a paradox. I hadto be aware of the choice.
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Indeed, self awareness anchoredevery choice. Yet under
pressure, awareness was elusive.
There was a direct correlationbetween my level of self
awareness and my ability toreach for my tools under
pressure. How deep was I willingto dig it's one thing to change
the story in my conscious mind,and quite another to put that
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story into action when thepressure is intense, remember
the rules are automatic. Theylive in the subconscious
survival brain, the flywheel ofthe mistake cycle, spends with a
lifetime of stored energy makingthe difficult choice in the heat
of the moment requires a higherstandard of awareness from me,
or, should I say, a deeperstandard. If I were to gain more
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internal fitness and capacity, Ihad to acknowledge what the
horses were showing me aboutmyself. Just because I was
committed to change did not meananything would truly change.
Nope. Commitment may energize meto sign up for the gym after my
New Year's resolution, but Ineed much more to stay after it.
Commitment is just the firstlevel. From the moment I first
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recognized that I needed moreself awareness and in all the
Wake Up Calls I had over theyears. I mean, remember my first
ambulance ride where I thoughtno one else could do my job. The
question had always been, howdeep Am I willing to go to find
the truth of who I am, parsingwhat is true about me versus
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what is part of my armor feelsscarier than it really is. The
rules are born from fear, andthey use fear like a perpetual
motion machine. The armor of myrules is all about protection,
and I would argue that somerules are necessary. Many years
ago, when I took flying lessons,the rules of flying kept me
safe. There was a checklist foreverything from the pre flight
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to the starting the plane to howto recover from a stall. All of
those rules or the product ofother pilots, learning what
works and doesn't when operatinga vehicle that can fall from the
sky. However, just following therules doesn't make anyone a good
pilot. Good judgment plays acritical role. The overconfident
pilot who takes a plane up whenthe conditions are sketchy might
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discover the adage, it's a wholelot better to be on the ground
wishing you were up there, thenit is to be up there wishing you
were on the ground. On the otherhand, the under confident pilot
who stays on the ground becauseof last lack of trust in him or
herself to handle the inevitablesurprises of flight is no pilot
at all, unless we challenge.
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Change the hidden fears in therules, we will use those fears
to fix the fears without beingaware that we are stuffing those
fears in the basement of ourinner world. Releasing my armor
involves developing selfawareness, no more fear hoarding
self awareness involves aconstant cycle of going ever
deeper to clear the basement.
Oh, musty fears that are nolonger serving here's where the
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paradox comes in. Trying todevelop self awareness alone is
like standing in a bucket andtrying to lift it up. The weight
in the bucket and the strengthof the person in the bucket
offset each other and hold thebucket in place. The protective
inner self will offset theseeking self, maintaining a
sense of equilibrium, which ofcourse, perpetuates the same old
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pattern. We need an outsidemirror to help us see the truth
of ourselves if we expect tobring our best to the journey.
While I cannot be my own mirror,I can bring a willingness to
learn about myself. Dancing thetightrope involves developing a
fair bit of self awarenessthrough five stages of self
awareness. The five stages arecommitment. I want the truth.
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How willing Am I to understandmore about my inner self and my
impact on others? We'll coverthat in chapter 14. Curiosity.
Seek the truth, what's in there,what's out there. CHAPTER 15,
courage, face the truth. Whatwill it take for me to face
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what's in there and what's outthere? We'll cover that in
chapter 16, congruence, show mytruth. What will it take for me
to own what's in there andwhat's out there? That will
cover that in chapter 17, andclarity. Live my truth. How can
I begin to unleash what's trueabout me, and how can I create
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the space for others to be trueto themselves, we cover that in
chapter 18, we can only allowothers as much freedom as we
allow ourselves. Armor locks usdown. If we are locked down, we
will lock down others, whetherwe mean to or not. We owe it to
ourselves and our horses andothers to open up to a dance
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where we each have a voice,where we give and take in a rich
exchange of trust andconnection. In my story about
Diane, I went through all ofthese levels in short order.
Initially, I had committed tothat project because it was my
job. That kind of commitment isactually compliance, by the way.
When it became clear that Iwould have to look at myself, I
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bailed out until Diane committedsuicide. The shock of her act,
whether it was defiance orpremature perfection, energized
me to my core when I told SteveI was back in. It wasn't a small
commitment. I was in with acapital I
suddenly I wanted to know why.
Curiosity. I was determined towalk through fire to learn what
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was driving me. Courage. Idropped some of my pretenses
acknowledging what I didn'tknow, congruence. My inner eyes
pierced through the opaquenessof my armor to know that Diane's
fate would not be my ownclarity. The many steps in a
self awareness journey takes usthrough these levels over and
over again, we can oftenrecognize where we are by simply
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asking, Where am I not?
Committed, curious, courageous,congruent and clear these five
C's, or my steps into mybasement took me across the
summer of 2020 as I dove deeperinto getting over my fear of
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having another accident like theone that set all of this in
motion. Thank you for listeningto the creative spirits unleash
podcast. I started this podcastbecause I was having these great
conversations, and I wanted toshare them with others. I'm
always learning in theseconversations, and I wanted to
share that kind of learning withyou. Now what I need to hear
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from you is what you want moreof and what you want less of. I
really want these podcasts to beof value for the listeners.
Also, if you happen to knowsomeone who you think might love
them, please share the podcastand of course, subscribe and
rate it on the different appsthat you're using, because
that's how others will find it.
Now, I hope you go and dosomething very fun today. You.
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