May 23, 2025 • 46 mins
This episode of the podcast is the last two chapters of Dancing the Tightrope. We have reached the end of the book!
You might hear me be a little choked up at the end of this reading. There are so many layers to unpack as to why. First, when I started reading this book, I didn’t expect to get much further than Chapter 1. Just reading twenty whole chapters felt like a huge accomplishment. For those of you who encouraged me to read another (and then another), I appreciate you more than you can know. Second, when reading these chapters, I was reliving my experience in some ways. Reaching some of these milestones felt unachievable when I began this journey. Now, they are everyday occurrences. Take away for you? Whatever seems daunting at the moment is just waiting to become an everyday occurrence if you are willing to break it into small enough steps.
The conversation I’ve been having recently with several colleagues, clients and friends is about visiting the other side of fear. If you haven’t been there (and for years, I HAD NOT BEEN THERE), it’s impossible to understand how fear can squash us. It seems so rational to honor fear as the answer to the problem of the day. Until you look at it from the other side (get thee behind me, fear!), you cannot see it for what it is: information. Dancing the Tightrope calibrates the fear so that we can RESPOND rather than automatically react from what I call the “robot space” in this book. Just like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz, we discover that the “great and powerful Oz” is simply our programming and conditioning, pulling levers like the little man behind the curtain. We’ve had the answers all along; all we needed was someone to show us the inner Tools we were granted at birth. That’s what I set out to show in publishing this book.
Reaching this point in the journey of reading the book, you may be wondering “what’s next?” I’m publishing Dancing the Tightrope as an Audible book in the next few months – timeline to be determined. The compiled version will include several things this podcast version did not. It will have the Introduction Chapter, which I did not include in this series. It will also include some “author commentary”, as I’ve come a long way since these words were written. It seems only fair to update the listener. I may also play with adding more quotes in the voice of the speaker where possible.
Dancing the Tightrope will not be the only audiobook I publish. After this one gets out, I will publish both The Delicate Art and The Elegant Pivot in Audible format as well. Yes, the woman who swore I would NEVER do an Audible version is reminded that saying “never” is just the first step! You’ll hear more about that in the podcast coming out next week, with Bernie Harberts, author of Two Mules to Triumph and star of Amazon’s The Lost Sea Expedition.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Intro (00:02):
Lynn, Welcome to Creative spirits unleashed, where we talk
about the dilemmas of balancingwork and life. And now here's
your host. Lynn Carnes,
Lynn (00:19):
welcome to the creative spirits unleash Podcast. I'm
Lynn Carnes, your host, andagain, your reader for the book
dancing the tightrope. Thisepisode of the podcast is the
last two chapters of dancing thetightrope. We've reached the end
of the book. You might hear mebe a little choked up at the end
of this reading. There are somany layers to unpack as to why.
(00:43):
First, when I started readingthis book, I didn't expect to
get much past chapter one, justreading 20 whole chapters felt
like a huge accomplishment. As Ifinished. For those of you who
encouraged me to read anotherand then another, I appreciate
you more than you can know.
Second when reading thesechapters, I was reliving my
experience in some ways,reaching some of these
(01:06):
milestones felt unachievablewhen I began this journey, after
I fell off the horse. Now, thosevery things are everyday
occurrences. What's the takeawayfor you? Well, whatever seems
daunting at the moment is justwaiting to become an everyday
occurrence. If you are willingto break the daunting thing into
the small steps, theconversation I've been having
(01:31):
recently with severalcolleagues, clients and friends
is about the idea of visitingthe other side of fear, which I
speak about in Chapter 20, thelast chapter of this book. If
you haven't been there, and foryears, I had not been there,
it's impossible to understandhow fear is squashing us, how it
can squash us. It seems sorational to honor fear as the
(01:55):
answer to the problem of theday, until you look at it from
the other side, sort of like Getthee behind me fear you can't
see it for what it is, which isjust information. Dancing the
tightrope calibrates the fear sothat we can respond rather than
automatically react from what Icall the robot space in this
(02:17):
book, just like Dorothy and theWizard of Oz, we discover that
the Great and Powerful Oz issimply our programming and our
conditioning pulling levers onus like the little man behind
the curtain. We have had theanswers all along. All we needed
was someone to show us the innertools that we were granted at
birth. That's what I'm hopingthis book points to for you now,
(02:40):
reaching this point in thejourney of reading the book, you
may be wondering what's next.
I'm publishing dancing thetightrope as an audible book in
the next few months. Timeline tobe determined, and the compiled
version will include severalthings this podcast version did
not. It will, for example, havethe introduction chapter, which
(03:01):
I did not include in thisseries. It will also include
some author commentary, as I'vecome a long way since these
words were written. So I plan onweighing in on a few things that
are more updated as we go. Itseems only fair to do so,
because things have changed. Imay also play with adding more
quotes in the voice of thespeaker where it's possible. As
(03:22):
for example, several of mypodcast guests are quoted in
this book. So dancing the tierope will not be the only audio
book I published, by the way,after this one gets out, I will
publish both the delicate artand the elegant pivot in audible
format as well. Yes, the womanwho swore I would never do an
audible version is reminded thatsaying never is just the first
(03:45):
step. You'll hear more aboutthat idea in the podcast coming
out next week with Bernieharberts, author of two mules to
triumph, and star of Amazon'sThe Lost Sea expedition. As
always, I love hearing from youlove hearing, getting your
ratings, your comments on thepodcast apps. Share it with your
friends, family, anyone youthink might be interested. I so
(04:07):
appreciate you, my listeners forthis podcast, and now please
enjoy this episode, the last onein the series for dancing the
tightrope, chapter 19, back onthe horse, going home in a car
three years after the accident,I returned to the barn at Babs
place for the first time. As Idrove over the hill, I spotted
(04:32):
the place where the ambulancemet us that day, a little over
three years before, I waited fora wave of emotion, for some sort
of visceral fear to arise. All Ifelt was a sort of settled
excitement. As I walked to thebarn, I reflected on the
difference between this time andthe day of the incident. On the
day of the accident, I had onefocus, get on the horse. I was
(04:55):
there to go on a trail ride forsporadic vacation rides. It had.
Been 40 years since I had theopportunity to have the magical
experience I remembered as achild in that state of mind, one
thing mattered, my goal ofgetting on the horse. Everything
leading up to the moment ofmounting was just an impediment.
(05:16):
I rushed through the grooming. Inever connected with the horse.
I focused on mechanics of thesaddle and bridle, just wanting
to show I could do it by myself.
Once he was settled, I did nottake the time to walk with him
on the ground. It was all a blurof tedious action awaiting the
big moment. Once I was I pulledout my phone and took a picture
looking back on it, my modern,disconnected mind was almost
(05:39):
laughable. What I didn't know,couldn't know was that every
mindless action sowed the seedsof for the disaster awaiting me.
On this day, I was soaking ineverything. Babs greeted us with
a huge smile. She was sothrilled that I was back. The
minute I walked into the barn, Inoticed the expression on each
(06:00):
horse's face. Daryl had beenworking with me and Scotty
through this whole time a coupleof weeks before, she had seen me
gain more and more clarity, andsaid, You are ready on this day,
she joined us for moral support.
We decided for this ride, Iwould ride Cody and we would
follow the horse mocha. Hepreferred to lead, and I was not
(06:23):
quite ready to be on the horsein front. Daryl would ride
mocha. When it was time to brushthe horses, I took the time to
recognize which spots Codyenjoyed being scratched and
which ones to avoid. I asked forhelp with saddling and bridling,
wanting to be sure the saddlewas in the proper place. Once he
was saddled, we walked around onthe ground to give him a chance
(06:43):
to breathe and for us toconnect. Breaking things down
step by step, frame by frame,listening to and balancing my
negative positive pole. I feltno urgency. In fact, taking
things frame by frame had becomepure joy, listening, hearing,
observing, waiting, breathing,dancing through the give and
(07:05):
take as we took our time. Oncemounted and on the trail, I hit
of adrenaline I had felt so manytimes before in the early trail
rides following the accident,every hill or unexpected move by
the horse sent so muchadrenaline through me, it was
almost intolerable.
After three years of soaking inmy lessons, all I felt was a
(07:26):
quiet excitement to finally bethere, unaware but ready for
what might come on the trailduring the past three years,
come to realize that every trailride brings the potential for an
opportunity to raise my pressurethreshold. My many rides at
Cedar Creek had shown me thateven horses that take people of
(07:46):
all levels of experience canhave moments. Horses are not
motorbikes. They have a keenlytuned survival brain. The horse
in front keeps an eye out fordanger, and their scan can go as
far as a mile. The horse in therear tunes into danger coming
from behind. The horses in themiddle are counting on those in
front and rear to alert them todouble on the trail. Putting me
(08:08):
in the middle was a deliberatestrategy to make things as
controlled and safe as possible.
For my first time, back to thescene. Ironically, as I was
walking Cody around afterputting the saddle on, I
realized I had ridden many, manymore times since I had started
back riding two years ago than Ihad in my entire 62 years of
life in preparing to get back onthe horse, I had ridden more
(08:29):
than 25 horses in differentsettings. What started as a
mission to overcome trauma hadoffered me a new way of being
with fear and danger, we plannedthe ride to avoid any steep
downhill traverses. In ourdebriefing after the accident,
we recognized that a good partof my fear was triggered by the
(08:50):
steep hill and mocha big rockinggate when my pole went up and I
had no skills or tools toaddress the feeling I gave
myself over to it with everygrippy, fearful action I had
communicated to the horse, we gofast now, while I was confident,
I can now walk a horse down ahill without adrenaline coursing
uncontrollably through my body.
(09:14):
We were determined to set theconditions for a calm and easy
ride on this day. But you neverknow what you're going to find
on 2100 acres of mostlypreserved wilderness. We had
been riding for a while talkingcasually, when suddenly a deer
exploded out of the woods infront of mocha. The deer was
gone as quickly as she arrived.
Now the question was, how wouldshe affect the horses? In this
(09:36):
case, nothing happened with thehorses, and we moved on with
relief. This first opportunityonly confirmed that my pressure
threshold was higher. Ratherthan automatically be in fear, I
tuned in to how the horses werefeeling. The deer sparked a
conversation on each horse'sunique reaction to being
startled. Cody, the horse I wason, does a sudden jump to the
(09:58):
side. Died. Good to know. Justafter we crossed the leaf
covered bridge, Darryl and mochastopped. We have a situation.
Snake on the trail. Darryl saidwe all stopped and waited for a
few moments, hoping the snakewould move on. Perhaps he was
hoping to stay invisible oravoid being trampled by the 12
giant hoofs looming near him.
(10:19):
Either way, he wasn't goinganywhere. As we started to move
past him, the snake decided itwas time to skedaddle. We heard
leaves rustling as he tried toslither up the hill, falling and
regaining and falling as wewalked past. Suddenly, Cody
caught sight of him, and in amicrosecond, all four of his
feet levitated to the left asthe snake went by to our right.
(10:40):
Fortunately, I stayed balanced.
I quickly reassured Cody thatall was well, and we walked on.
Second opportunity to confirm mypressure threshold. We arrived
back at the barn all in onepiece. I was able to drive away
in my own car, not the ants,just as had been the case in
many rides over the past twoyears. I survived. There really
was no question about mysurvival. I had built a much
(11:05):
stronger foundation in both myskills and, more importantly, in
raising my pressure threshold.
The only thing left was to getback on the horse Mocha, but
first I had the opportunity todiscover just how far I had
come, and a chance to movethrough pressures I had never
been able to withstand, theheights of fear. It was almost
(11:30):
inconceivable that I had been onthis quest for three years. What
would it mean for me to finallyachieve the goal of getting back
on mocha? Well, just a mere fewmonths before the goal seemed
way out of reach. After the ridewith Cody, I realized that
riding mocha was within reach.
Ironically, I stood thinking itcould let down because I had
treated it like the Holy Grail.
(11:53):
It was quite strange to considerthat riding mocha could be any
sort of letdown. After all, ithad not been that long ago that
Bruce had asked, Are you everplanning to get back on the
horse? My answer at that momentwas a yes, but with the same
level of confidence as if he hadasked, Do you think you will
ever book a trip to outer space?
It sounded great in theory, butonly because it was so far out
(12:15):
of the realm of possibility atthe time. Now the day was near,
I had questions. What would itmean to check off this box?
Would I quit riding lessons?
Would I somehow declare myselfcomplete? Would I treat it as a
test, rather than allowing thisexperience to help me burn off
(12:35):
the old ways when I go back tomy previous life without horses?
What ways had this quest trulychanged me? The answer to the
last question came in asurprise, nothing to do with
horses and everything to do withperhaps my greatest fear of all
heights. If our most core humanneed of all is to be safe, it is
(12:59):
second only to a mother's needfor her child to be safe. When
my mom was pregnant with me, shehad a dream that would color the
rest of my existence. She and mydad were vacationing at the
Grand Canyon. I was a toddler.
In her dream, I ran towards theedge and disappeared. She woke
in terror as little Lynn, whowas not even born yet fell off
(13:19):
the cliff. Even though shequickly realized it was a dream,
she treated it as a premonition.
For the rest of my life, fivewords were echoed, no screamed
in my ear, don't go near theedge. She meant it literally and
figuratively. Don't go in nearanything where I could fall off.
(13:43):
Don't go near anything where Icould be hurt. Don't go near
anything at the edge of abelief, rule or principle in her
world, I needed to stay far awayfrom any kind of risk that could
lead to death, falling or beingjudged. My mom just wanted me to
be safe. What happened mostlywas that I developed a
(14:04):
debilitates. My history ofdealing with high places was
littered with experiences whereI lost my exposure. Yet here I
was married to man, Russ wholoves high adrenaline,
adventures involved going nearfrightening edges, the better
part of me probably chose him tohelp me work through my fear so
that I could enjoy life. Formost of our marriage, my
(14:27):
fearful, fretful inner childgave him no chance to help me.
Instead, I embarrassed him witha full scream when he took me
rock climbing, I slapped hishand away when he tried to
comfort me on the stairs of theStatue of Liberty, I quivered
and shook in every steep placewe ever visited, including the
deck on my own mountainsidehome. On more than one hike
(14:49):
along a cliffside route, Ibalked and then melted in a
puddle of tears my fear ofheight while scuba diving, I
went under took one look. At theedge of the Cayman wall,
dropping into oblivion in theocean, mind you, and levitated
out of the water. To say I had afear of heights is an
understatement. Eventually, hegave up doing most extreme
(15:12):
activities. In the meantime, Isomehow managed to learn to ride
a snow ski lift without holdinga death grip from bottom to top.
We settled into occasional safe,middle of the road vacation like
our parents took. None of thiswas on my mind when I booked a
trip for four to go to the zipline down the road at one local
attractions known as the gorge.
Ironically, we were going withour friends David and Darryl,
(15:36):
the same woman who hadintroduced me to Bruce and was
teaching me to ride Scotty mightget to see my fear of heights in
all its Texas size glory. Littledid I know at the time that this
was the fastest, steepest zipline in North America. I learned
that fun fact while we werestrapping into harnesses. It
wasn't until that moment Iremembered, oh, I was afraid of
(15:57):
heights. What the hell was Idoing here, and why had I booked
it? Our friends had mentioned itwould be fun, and being the camp
director style organizer, I justmade the reservation. Now,
sitting on the edge of the deckat the gorge, getting strapped
into my harness, I checked infor the usual syrup of fearful
sensations that would startcoursing through my body at
(16:19):
these moments interesting. Ifelt something, but this was
different than the usual premeltdown sensation. My negative
poll was being registering if Ihad to give it a number, it was
a three instead of jell o legsfeeling locked down in fear. I
was excited as they took usthrough the pre flight routine,
(16:39):
I checked in with myself again.
I found myself curious if thesensations would be like water
skiing. Was it as fast? Butwould my curiosity last? What
would I do when it was time tostep off the edge? Should I wait
until the end, just in case Ineeded to bail out and let
everyone else go have their fun?
That choice was taken from merather quickly. They hooked us
(17:02):
to the line in the sequence wewould go, and it would be
complicated to reset, so I wentwith the flow. When it came my
turn, I walked to the edge ofthe platform, and then the guide
had me step up on a tree stumpthat doubled as a mounting
block. That was another cluethat this time was different. I
was able to step up with firm,non wobbly legs as he took me to
(17:25):
the zip line. Then he gave methe all clear to step off. And I
did off. I went flying at right,next speed, holding on tiny
little handle. It wasexhilarating. The zip ended with
a hard stop, the kind of jokethat sort of felt like a car
accident, such a hit formerlywould have sent me spiraling
(17:46):
into freak out land. Indeed,there was a moment of surprise,
but then again, this time wasdifferent. The guide pulled me
in, and once again, I easilystepped up onto the bench as he
unhooked me and asked me to steponto the small platform
surrounding the tree. Wecontinued in this manner for
several more zips. At everystop, we were standing on a
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platform built around a treevery high off the ground. I was
fine until we reached the treewith no zip line out. Wait, what
now that I had mastered flyingon the zip line, I eagerly
looked for the next ride.
Instead, this time we would exitthe tree. I first walk across a
(18:29):
swinging bridge and then goingdown a rappel line. I've never
been a fan of swinging bridgeshanging high up in the trees.
There were only two choices atthis point, walk the bridge or
have the guide lower me down ona rope. I had no interest in
going straight down the bridgewas not fun, but at least my
(18:49):
feet had something to step onduring this traverse, I was just
happy to keep one foot moving infront of the other. Once we
reached the next tree, we wereback to the same choices, only
this time, there really wasn't achoice. I could repel of my own
accord, or let the trip guidelower me using his special rope,
same way out, one the drop ofshame and the other, the glide
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of victory, as the guidedemonstrated the method we would
use, it was a veritable House ofHorrors to the old me who feared
heights. The guide asked ifanyone had ever repelled before.
Yes. I said, I've been down afew feet in a rock climbing gym.
What I didn't say was doing sowas a single frame in a 20 year
journey that only it in a repelbecause I was too tired to climb
(19:35):
my way back down. Then she said,Well, this is nothing like that.
This is more like a free fall,but controlled great. The guide
showed us how to walk to theedge, where she said we needed
to hang all 10 toes off theplatform. Then she said, trust
the sit and disappeared intooblivion, toes hanging off the
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platform. In other words, theopposite. Of don't go near the
edge for the first time thatday, echoes of my fearful past
started rattling around in mybrain. Lynn, on screen, one
knocked on the door of mypsyche, promising a better
answer to trust the sit here'swhere it got interesting. Yes, I
could feel the sensations of apotential freak out start to
(20:20):
stir. Lynn on screen, onepummeled me with thoughts like,
is this woman crazy? Do you everthink I'm going to step off this
ledge? My negative pole was nowa solid five, registering the
highest number of the day.
However, when I checked in withmyself, I realized that the fear
while present would not drive mewhile definitely in the froth
wasn't over my pressurethreshold, I had the power to
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shift to my tools, my old ruleswould not run me. Lynn on screen
two had managed the scullingboat in the wind. Lynn on screen
two had dealt with dozens ofhorse incidents scarier than the
original trauma. Lynn on screentwo had learned to be the
conduit, take things frame byframe, shed mistakes and shift
into the what's next cycle. Itwas time for Lynn, on screen two
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to step up, or, to be precise,step off. My turn came. I was a
bit incredulous as I stepped tothe edge, because this time
actually felt markedly differentthan any other time in my life.
My body was not filled with thesensations from an overwhelming
adrenaline hit my mind had setaside the screaming thoughts
(21:29):
driven by fear. My legs functionlike real legs, rather than
feeling like liquefying jello.
So I stepped up to the edge. Theguy took the slack out of the
rope, and it's like that Istepped off the platform all day
long. Russ marveled that I wasmanaging the zip lines when I
dropped off the rappel, whichturned out to be the first of
(21:50):
three similar dismounts from thetrees. He was thrilled beyond
words, my recovery from fallingoff the horse had given me so
much more than horseback ridingskills I had not just changed
around the edges. I wasfundamentally different in
getting back on the horse. I hadunleashed my tools mocha a week
(22:12):
after I rode Cody Darrell and Ireturned to the barn. He'd been
working on the ground withScotty as I continued to learn
to develop trust and connectionwith horses. Working with Scotty
had helped me see the subtlesignals and shifts that horses
are always sending. In theintervening three years, I had
often wondered about the signalsI had missed from Mocha that day
(22:33):
when I saddled him, it neverdawned on me to check in with
him if he was standing still. Iassumed he was fine, and I went
about my business, myreflections also took me to the
people in my life. I wonderedhow many hundreds of people I
had worked with where I mighthave missed the subtle signals
they were sending. How often hadI just gone about my business
(22:54):
not noticing whether the personI was with was sending signals
that they were uncomfortable.
The incident with Jen in thebarn with Phoenix had brought
this lesson home to me. Jen isboth incredibly sensitive in a
tuned in kind of way, and isalso a master of not showing how
she feels. Often, the mostsensitive horses are the ones
that are the best at hiding howthey feel, which was mocha on
this day, I knew everythingwould be different from the time
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we start. I took my timebrushing him and checking his
feet, rather than rushingthrough to get the saddle on so
I could get on my mind. Stayedwith each task. Mocha happily
stood there from start to finishwithout so much as a halter,
step by step, frame by frame, Iwent through each task after I
had him saddled and bridled, Iasked Babs to make sure
(23:40):
everything was in the rightplace. While I would not have
been surprised to feel anxiousas I stepped on the mountain
block, I had raised my pressurethreshold by this point so that
even a return to the scene didnot trigger a trauma response.
Once we started out, I feltconfident to be in the lead.
Unlike the first time I wrotehim, I could feel his
(24:00):
responsiveness to my everyrequest until we got to the
first intersection where wecould go either back to the barn
or keep going out. At thatpoint, mocha just stopped. No
amount of urging on my partwould move him. Daryl rode
calmly, passed on Cody and mochathen decided he could go along
with the plan. The rough ridewas as uneventful a trail ride
(24:21):
can be. Perhaps the most dramawe had was taking a steep
downhill. Babs had watchedduring the ride, and could see
that mocha and I were doing welltogether. She knew it would be a
confidence builder for both meand for mocha. And we neared the
top of the hill, Babs remindedme to do large S turns with him
on the way down and trust him tofind his footing. This hill was
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actually much longer and steeperthan the one where I had the
accident. When we reached thebottom, I was both thrilled and
aware that I had crossed anotherthreshold. Many months later, we
took a turn down another steephill
as we reached the bottom, Babsaid it. We call this trail
collarbone alley. My firstthought was they had, let's
(25:05):
break a collarbone here. BeforeI could voice it, she said,
there you had your accident. AllI could was, really it was here.
Nothing had come up for me. Itlooked like I remembered at all.
In fact, my first instinct wasto question we had the right
place. Then I realized that Babshad designed the trail system.
(25:27):
She directed her husband to findus that day. She had passed the
site many times in theintervening three years. Yeah,
she might know better than mewhere I accident occurred while
I had been saying for some timeI could tell my sessions with
Bruce were rewiring my brain,revisiting the place sealed the
deal. The accident was behindme. Time after time I had chosen
(25:50):
a tools response while underpressure, every voice led set of
neural pathways in my brain, theold pathways became like an
untended trail in the woodsovergrown with vegetation while
the new pathways were openinglike a super highway. After many
months of riding Bucharegularly, I came to realize
that he is the ultimatetrailers. He stands quietly to
(26:13):
be groomed and tapped withoutbeing tied up. He likes to be in
the lead for good reason. Deercrashing through the woods don't
phase him. Snakes barelyregister a glance. We have faced
it all together and more.
Looking back on the accident, Ican see clearly now that mocha
did nothing wrong. He was simplytrying to figure out what I
wanted. What I wanted was notclear to me or him. On that day,
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I was way over my pressurethreshold. I didn't even know I
had a pressure throw. I believedthat skills were all that
mattered and were lacking.
Returning to ride him wasuneventful, because I had
significantly raised my pressurethreshold and I had gained
skills. With my new eyes, I nowrecognize that riding Scotty was
(26:59):
the next opportunity to raise mypressure threshold. An even
bigger moment. Darrell and Imade Friday mornings a regular
thing before we went back toface the pressures on the trail
with Scotty, she wanted me to beextremely comfortable moving him
through a lot of transitionsfrom walk to slow, walk forward
(27:20):
walk to working pace. This madea lot of sense, based on my
handful of experiences with himtoday. My greatest fear was of
him running away with melearning transitions would give
me the confidence that goingfast was not a one way street.
The most important transitionwas into his gate and then back
to walk. Scotty doesn't trot, hegates. It's a fast shuffle like
(27:41):
movement that is the silk. I wassuper excited to learn how to do
it with him. First, Darryldemonstrated it in the unit,
from what I could tell, she didnothing and simply said, gate.
Scotty then moved for forwardwalk into his beautiful gate. It
looks so easy until I tried it,I had written Scott enough
realize how fun to the slightestfade and is always happy to go
(28:05):
faster. As I walked around thearena, Daryl guided me to
maintain a loose rain as I askedhim to go faster and slower, and
finally, she said, Just say theword gate, change, nothing else.
Well, I said the word gate, andScotty cantered off, much like
he did the very first time Iever wrote him three months
before my accident. Canteringwas definitely not the picture
(28:26):
we had for this moment, eventhough my inner little girl
wanted to run like the wind, mymore sensible adult self knew
better. Always lurking in thebackground was the fear that he
would run and I would not beable to stop him, so I would
bring him around and try again.
It was in these moments thatboth Darryl and I were aware
that this time things weredifferent. Rather than finding
(28:46):
my body flooded with adrenaline,I was able to calmly bring him
around to a stop. Then we wouldtry again. In the past, it was
often my terrified fear responsethat said Scotty running with
three years of working withBruce under my belt, I had
raised my pressure threshold tothe point that I could stay
relaxed and present when Scottycantered off. However, we still
(29:08):
not solved the problem. In thesemoments, I could feel myself at
a choice point between screenone, the mistake cycle, and
screen two, what's next cycle?
It was so tempting to beatmyself up for not being able to
get it in the far recesses of mymind, I could hear the little
voice and to say, What is wrongwith me? Why can't I do this?
(29:32):
Now I was seeing that temptationfor what it was, a new coding,
self protective armor to take meaway from the discomfort of the
froth I knew the what's nextcycle was the better choice.
Choosing the path of screen twoallowed me to remember my
negative pole for the tuningfork that it was since Daryl
introduced me to Bruce, we hadshared language around balancing
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my poles as an extremelyexperienced horse trainer, she
also recognized. Go effectivelyride this highly trained horse.
She studied the arena video,which captured what was really
happening. She could seesomething in my form that I
couldn't feel when I asked forthe gate, I suddenly shifted my
weight forward in preparationfor the unknown, while Daryl
(30:17):
knew from many years ofexperience that it would not
feel that much faster. Mysubconscious mind wasn't
convinced whether I meant to ornot. Scotty heard my movement as
a request to canter. That's howhe was trained. The problem was
me, it was going to take many,many repetitions me doing the
wrong thing to get it right. Inthe meantime, Scotty would be
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cantering off my subtle moves,thinking he was doing right
thing. Rather than confuse thehorse, Daryl decided to take
another path. Over the nextseveral weeks, she taught me to
ride with contact, whichinvolves riding with a much
shorter range, sort of likeholding hands with the horse.
The key to contact is presenceand feel unbeknownst to me at
the time, it's one of the mostdifficult riding skills to
(31:01):
learn. Do it either too hard ortoo soft, and the horse can
develop a hard mouth or becomevery confused about what the
rider is asking. Once again, Iwas dancing the tightrope
between too much and too little.
The only way to find my balancewas to feel my way through it,
slowly but surely. Week by week,frame by frame, we built my
skills. The path we were on Nowfit the category of go slow to
(31:24):
go fat. We broke things downeven more to the frames within
the frames. Every now and then Icould feel my impatience rise,
trying to send me into themistake cycle. This time, those
far away voices tried to saythings like, this is remedial
training you should be advancingmore quickly. Inevitably, the
question at the root of mistakecycle is, what is wrong with me?
(31:46):
When my mind ventured intomistake territory, I gently
brought it back. I rememberedthat the comfort found in armor
might shield me from the angst,but it also kept me small and
fearful. Darryl reminded me thiswas advanced training, not
remedial. Also behind thosequestions was the awareness that
(32:08):
horses can spook and run off andjump in good directions. By now,
I was riding many differenthorses on many different trails,
including Bucha. I had beenthrough many, many situations
far scarier than the one thatcaused my accident, where I once
enjoyed situations that hadproven themselves dangerous, now
I was recognizing that I couldinstead choose to build my
(32:30):
mental tools. Not only was Ibuilding skills, but I also
raised my pressure thresholdevery time I chose the what's
not next cycle on screen too.
After a few sessions, Darryldecided Scotty and I were ready
to try the gate again. Sheguided us through several upward
and downward transitions,through different speeds. Then
(32:53):
she said the magic words,forward, walk, but this time, go
to the edge. As we walk, sheencouraged me with the words, go
to the edge. Go to the edge. Goto the edge. The irony was not
lost on me. For all those earlyyears, my mom had yelled, don't
go near the edge much of myadult life, and spent unwinding
that old programming withoutmuch success. Yet now with a new
(33:16):
understanding of how to raise mypressure threshold, build my
mental tools and take thingsframe by frame. I welcomed the
words I went to the edge Scottygated. Then he slowed down when
I asked, did it again? Then heslowed down, then we went calm
around. Things could not havebeen more different when I
(33:38):
changed. Scotty changed one ofmy favorites of all time is the
real voyage of discoveryconsists not in seeking new
landscapes, but in having neweyes. By Marcel Proust, in the
past three years, I had changedwhen I saw the world with new
eyes. Everything changed.
Chapter 20. Conclusion, theother side of fear. Fear may be
(34:04):
one of the most essential yetpotentially damaging human
emotions. Without enough of it,we will die. With too much of
it, we fail to live as withanything that matters. It's not
the thing itself. It's findingthe right balance with the thing
that matters. Water is essentialto life, yet water can kill.
(34:26):
Salt is essential to life, yettoo much salt can kill fire, can
consume and destroy. Fire alsooffers life saving heat. There
are countless theories of how wehumans should treat fear,
the ideas ranging fromcompletely getting rid of fear
to putting fear in the driver'sseat. Fear loves to be in the
(34:49):
driver's seat, left to its owndevices. Fear sends the message,
I'm here to help. Let me tellyou what to do, when to do, and
how to do. Fear also loves to behidden in the shadows. Behind
the scenes, fear says, tell noone about me. You've completely
gotten rid of me. You areamazing now. Do only that, which
you know you can do. Take nochances lest you die. Since most
(35:12):
of us don't want to listen tofear in either extreme, it's
common to put that voice onother people. When I was in the
process of choosing to leave mybanking career and enter the
startup world ofentrepreneurship, fear said to
me, what about the risk? Whatabout all the money you were
leaving on the table? Are yousure you want to blow up a 20
year career? What about healthinsurance? What about your
(35:35):
retirement plan? The voice offear didn't come to me in the
form of a scary voice on high ora sneaky voice in the shadows?
Nope, the voice of fear soundedlike my dad. In fact, it sounded
so much like my dad that I spentsix months agonizing over how to
tell him what I was considering.
That voice caused me tooverreact, taking extreme
(35:58):
measures to leave myself a backdoor into the organization I was
leaving just in case I failed.
That voice almost caused me tomiss the opportunity. On the
day, I finally had to tell mydad because I had submitted my
resignation, I picked up thephone and found my hands
shaking. I expected to hear himsay the exact words that had
(36:21):
been rolling around in my head.
Living with him for 18 yearsassured me that I was the expert
on His every thought andfeeling. As a result, I had
prepared myself with everyexplanation, my armor, strong
defenses up, I finally spat outmy decision. Then I got the
shock of my life. Dad didn't sayanything out loud that even
remotely sounded like what hehad been spouting in my head. In
(36:43):
fact, it was the opposite. Hesaid something along the lines
of that sounds amazing. I'm soproud of you and excited to see
where this goes. He went on toask questions about what I would
be doing, how I found theopportunity, and what I was most
looking forward to doing. Wow.
Part of me thought, Who are youand what have you done with my
(37:05):
dad? After we hung up, I took amoment to reflect on what had
happened and what I had missed,and I remembered some key things
about my dad. His profession wasfinding oil. He was the classic
wildcatter, gambling on findingenergy hidden deep in the earth,
his gambling spirit ran a milewide. Had I used my tools to
(37:28):
listen and hear who he reallywas and what he really thought?
My fear would not have appearedas a dad apparition. Instead,
what I heard in my head was notmy dad, but my construct of him
created by my fear. When I wasable to own my fear as mine and
mine alone, not something put onme by someone else, I was able
(37:49):
to address it in a balanced way.
Yes, I did need to consider allthe factors in taking the leap
from steady corporate treadmillto a roller coaster driven by
me, operating in this mindset.
Fear was behind me, informingme, alerting me to danger, not
running me like a robot. Thisincident gave me a glimpse of
(38:10):
the other side of fear, where ithad a role, but it didn't have
to run me. Parents, schools andsociety impose all kinds of
rules on children to keep themsafe. On the attachment side of
the balancing act, we areseeking belonging, relationships
and more importantly, certainty.
Humans don't survive inisolation. We need each other,
and we need the rules that bringus together, as long as we don't
(38:32):
overuse them. On the selfexpression side of the balancing
act, we long to shine our ownlight. We sense the spark that
is unique to us. We owe it toourselves and others to bring to
the world that which only we canbring. Just as artists use their
tools in ways only they can, thetools we bring our perceptions,
(38:52):
curiosity, discipline, problemsolving fuel our ability and our
very presence. The heat ofpressure shapes us much like it
forms diamonds. Yes, it'sdangerous. We risk rejection,
and it's not comfortable. If wereject the process, we get stuck
in the endless loop of beatingourselves into oblivion. When we
(39:12):
embrace it, we unleash our toolsand become truer to ourselves
with each tiny moment in thispressure journey over the last
three years, I had more and moreglimpses on the other side of
that wall, working with thesurvival brain of horses gave me
a whole new repertoire to workwith my own survival brain.
Pressure is not going away. HowI respond to pressure can either
(39:37):
crush me or elevate me. Themodern era has created a strange
dichotomy in our minds. On theone hand, it's taken us away
from our nature and away fromnature. We no longer spend most
of our time in nature, managingour food and shelter needs. On
the other hand, our naturalsurvival brain still runs us
(39:57):
while. Whether we truly need itor not, the amygdala still sends
adrenaline for everything weneeded it for in the old days.
Thus we end up caught in thehomeless sequence and filled
with anxiety over things thatwon't actually kill us, or we
end up being wildly successfulat a lucrative job we hate and
we feel trapped because themodern world tells us money and
(40:18):
status matter more than anythingelse. I'm not saying there is no
place for rules. When I waslearning to fly private
airplanes in my late 20s andlater in my 60s, it was
essential that I followedchecklists, the proper flight
plan, pattern, emergencyprocedures and many, many more
rules. They were necessary formy safety and for the safety of
(40:40):
my fellow pilots and theunwitting people on the ground.
Flying is just one example whererules have a place. What I am
saying is that our rules can getout of balance, just as so many
other aspects of our lives canget out of balance. Reaching for
our tools in the right place andright time helps restore that
balance. Reaching for our toolsoffers freedom. When I went into
(41:04):
the round pen with a horse, Ifound myself tuning in the first
tool I needed to reach for wascuriosity, my brain, the tyrant
Lynn on screen one screamed forme to know something, control
something, finish the goal, mytrue nature. Alpha Lynn, on
screen two, listened and waitedthe horse would show me where he
(41:30):
was. I did not need to knoweverything to do. I simply
needed to know the next thing todo. We don't control nature. We
dance with it, taking us no skilesson one day in the early part
of this latest pressure journey,I found myself struggling at the
end of a ski run with aninstructor. He looked at me and
said, Lynn, you are trying tocontrol the skis. You didn't
(41:52):
need to let the skis do whatthey do. They are made to turn.
But I feel so out of control. Iargued, you are going to feel
that especially at first snowskiing is a dance with the
mountain. Gravity always wins.
You have to shift in everymoment to be in harmony with the
mountain. Let yourself feel thebalance point as it moves. He
(42:13):
said, notice that he didn't tellme what to do. He didn't say,
move your weight here, or turnthe ski on edge for a sharper
turn, he painted a mentalpicture for me of what was
really happening on themountain. His guidance reflects
my intention. For the readers ofthis book, it's not about having
a formula, answers, hacks orRules for Living. My journey is
(42:36):
now uncovering the tools thatcame with me at birth, the
teachers and pressures of thisjourney simply showed me the
missing pieces to get in touchwith my natural gifts, the gifts
we were all given. We do nothave to keep reliving our past,
traumas and fears. We canrewrite the past if we choose
to, quote, unquote, embrace thesuck by feeling our feelings.
(42:58):
It's uncomfortable, but so isspending energy to stuff our
feelings, hiding from realityand beating ourselves up, living
life this way, by welcoming thesolvent of pressure, reaching
for our tools, being theconduit, using our negative,
positive pole to guide us andbreaking the picture into the
smallest frames, unleashes thetrue Spirit hiding underneath
(43:20):
our armor. It makes us a littlefreer than we were before. With
this mindset, having the perfectjob, perfect spouse, perfect
hobbies, no longer matter. Whatmatters more is in doing our
job, negotiating marriage,practicing our hobbies, we
become on that ski trip, I hadmoments of Dancing with the
(43:41):
mountain. They were fleeting,exquisite and elusive. Yet
through my fear, I felt it alittle more of me shined through
as I rewrote my past. Fear offalling, the fear isn't going
away. So what are we to do aboutthe fear? We can stuff it, be
overwhelmed by it, or we canchoose something more life
(44:03):
affirming. We can dance thetightrope.
Thank you for listening to thecreative spirits. Unleash
podcast. I started this podcastbecause I was having these great
conversations, and I wanted toshare them with others. I'm
always learning in theseconversations, and I wanted to
share that kind of learning withyou. Now, what I need to hear
(44:25):
from you is what you want moreof and what you want less of. I
really want these podcasts to beof value for the listeners.
Also, if you happen to knowsomeone who you think might love
them, please share the podcastand, of course, subscribe and
rate it on the different appsthat you're using, because
that's how others will find it.
Now, I hope you go and dosomething very fun today. You.
Lynn, Welcome to Creative spirits unleashed, where we talk
about the dilemmas of balancingwork and life. And now here's
your host. Lynn Carnes,
Lynn (00:19):
welcome to the creative spirits unleash Podcast. I'm
Lynn Carnes, your host, andagain, your reader for the book
dancing the tightrope. Thisepisode of the podcast is the
last two chapters of dancing thetightrope. We've reached the end
of the book. You might hear mebe a little choked up at the end
of this reading. There are somany layers to unpack as to why.
(00:43):
First, when I started readingthis book, I didn't expect to
get much past chapter one, justreading 20 whole chapters felt
like a huge accomplishment. As Ifinished. For those of you who
encouraged me to read anotherand then another, I appreciate
you more than you can know.
Second when reading thesechapters, I was reliving my
experience in some ways,reaching some of these
(01:06):
milestones felt unachievablewhen I began this journey, after
I fell off the horse. Now, thosevery things are everyday
occurrences. What's the takeawayfor you? Well, whatever seems
daunting at the moment is justwaiting to become an everyday
occurrence. If you are willingto break the daunting thing into
the small steps, theconversation I've been having
(01:31):
recently with severalcolleagues, clients and friends
is about the idea of visitingthe other side of fear, which I
speak about in Chapter 20, thelast chapter of this book. If
you haven't been there, and foryears, I had not been there,
it's impossible to understandhow fear is squashing us, how it
can squash us. It seems sorational to honor fear as the
(01:55):
answer to the problem of theday, until you look at it from
the other side, sort of like Getthee behind me fear you can't
see it for what it is, which isjust information. Dancing the
tightrope calibrates the fear sothat we can respond rather than
automatically react from what Icall the robot space in this
(02:17):
book, just like Dorothy and theWizard of Oz, we discover that
the Great and Powerful Oz issimply our programming and our
conditioning pulling levers onus like the little man behind
the curtain. We have had theanswers all along. All we needed
was someone to show us the innertools that we were granted at
birth. That's what I'm hopingthis book points to for you now,
(02:40):
reaching this point in thejourney of reading the book, you
may be wondering what's next.
I'm publishing dancing thetightrope as an audible book in
the next few months. Timeline tobe determined, and the compiled
version will include severalthings this podcast version did
not. It will, for example, havethe introduction chapter, which
(03:01):
I did not include in thisseries. It will also include
some author commentary, as I'vecome a long way since these
words were written. So I plan onweighing in on a few things that
are more updated as we go. Itseems only fair to do so,
because things have changed. Imay also play with adding more
quotes in the voice of thespeaker where it's possible. As
(03:22):
for example, several of mypodcast guests are quoted in
this book. So dancing the tierope will not be the only audio
book I published, by the way,after this one gets out, I will
publish both the delicate artand the elegant pivot in audible
format as well. Yes, the womanwho swore I would never do an
audible version is reminded thatsaying never is just the first
(03:45):
step. You'll hear more aboutthat idea in the podcast coming
out next week with Bernieharberts, author of two mules to
triumph, and star of Amazon'sThe Lost Sea expedition. As
always, I love hearing from youlove hearing, getting your
ratings, your comments on thepodcast apps. Share it with your
friends, family, anyone youthink might be interested. I so
(04:07):
appreciate you, my listeners forthis podcast, and now please
enjoy this episode, the last onein the series for dancing the
tightrope, chapter 19, back onthe horse, going home in a car
three years after the accident,I returned to the barn at Babs
place for the first time. As Idrove over the hill, I spotted
(04:32):
the place where the ambulancemet us that day, a little over
three years before, I waited fora wave of emotion, for some sort
of visceral fear to arise. All Ifelt was a sort of settled
excitement. As I walked to thebarn, I reflected on the
difference between this time andthe day of the incident. On the
day of the accident, I had onefocus, get on the horse. I was
(04:55):
there to go on a trail ride forsporadic vacation rides. It had.
Been 40 years since I had theopportunity to have the magical
experience I remembered as achild in that state of mind, one
thing mattered, my goal ofgetting on the horse. Everything
leading up to the moment ofmounting was just an impediment.
(05:16):
I rushed through the grooming. Inever connected with the horse.
I focused on mechanics of thesaddle and bridle, just wanting
to show I could do it by myself.
Once he was settled, I did nottake the time to walk with him
on the ground. It was all a blurof tedious action awaiting the
big moment. Once I was I pulledout my phone and took a picture
looking back on it, my modern,disconnected mind was almost
(05:39):
laughable. What I didn't know,couldn't know was that every
mindless action sowed the seedsof for the disaster awaiting me.
On this day, I was soaking ineverything. Babs greeted us with
a huge smile. She was sothrilled that I was back. The
minute I walked into the barn, Inoticed the expression on each
(06:00):
horse's face. Daryl had beenworking with me and Scotty
through this whole time a coupleof weeks before, she had seen me
gain more and more clarity, andsaid, You are ready on this day,
she joined us for moral support.
We decided for this ride, Iwould ride Cody and we would
follow the horse mocha. Hepreferred to lead, and I was not
(06:23):
quite ready to be on the horsein front. Daryl would ride
mocha. When it was time to brushthe horses, I took the time to
recognize which spots Codyenjoyed being scratched and
which ones to avoid. I asked forhelp with saddling and bridling,
wanting to be sure the saddlewas in the proper place. Once he
was saddled, we walked around onthe ground to give him a chance
(06:43):
to breathe and for us toconnect. Breaking things down
step by step, frame by frame,listening to and balancing my
negative positive pole. I feltno urgency. In fact, taking
things frame by frame had becomepure joy, listening, hearing,
observing, waiting, breathing,dancing through the give and
(07:05):
take as we took our time. Oncemounted and on the trail, I hit
of adrenaline I had felt so manytimes before in the early trail
rides following the accident,every hill or unexpected move by
the horse sent so muchadrenaline through me, it was
almost intolerable.
After three years of soaking inmy lessons, all I felt was a
(07:26):
quiet excitement to finally bethere, unaware but ready for
what might come on the trailduring the past three years,
come to realize that every trailride brings the potential for an
opportunity to raise my pressurethreshold. My many rides at
Cedar Creek had shown me thateven horses that take people of
(07:46):
all levels of experience canhave moments. Horses are not
motorbikes. They have a keenlytuned survival brain. The horse
in front keeps an eye out fordanger, and their scan can go as
far as a mile. The horse in therear tunes into danger coming
from behind. The horses in themiddle are counting on those in
front and rear to alert them todouble on the trail. Putting me
(08:08):
in the middle was a deliberatestrategy to make things as
controlled and safe as possible.
For my first time, back to thescene. Ironically, as I was
walking Cody around afterputting the saddle on, I
realized I had ridden many, manymore times since I had started
back riding two years ago than Ihad in my entire 62 years of
life in preparing to get back onthe horse, I had ridden more
(08:29):
than 25 horses in differentsettings. What started as a
mission to overcome trauma hadoffered me a new way of being
with fear and danger, we plannedthe ride to avoid any steep
downhill traverses. In ourdebriefing after the accident,
we recognized that a good partof my fear was triggered by the
(08:50):
steep hill and mocha big rockinggate when my pole went up and I
had no skills or tools toaddress the feeling I gave
myself over to it with everygrippy, fearful action I had
communicated to the horse, we gofast now, while I was confident,
I can now walk a horse down ahill without adrenaline coursing
uncontrollably through my body.
(09:14):
We were determined to set theconditions for a calm and easy
ride on this day. But you neverknow what you're going to find
on 2100 acres of mostlypreserved wilderness. We had
been riding for a while talkingcasually, when suddenly a deer
exploded out of the woods infront of mocha. The deer was
gone as quickly as she arrived.
Now the question was, how wouldshe affect the horses? In this
(09:36):
case, nothing happened with thehorses, and we moved on with
relief. This first opportunityonly confirmed that my pressure
threshold was higher. Ratherthan automatically be in fear, I
tuned in to how the horses werefeeling. The deer sparked a
conversation on each horse'sunique reaction to being
startled. Cody, the horse I wason, does a sudden jump to the
(09:58):
side. Died. Good to know. Justafter we crossed the leaf
covered bridge, Darryl and mochastopped. We have a situation.
Snake on the trail. Darryl saidwe all stopped and waited for a
few moments, hoping the snakewould move on. Perhaps he was
hoping to stay invisible oravoid being trampled by the 12
giant hoofs looming near him.
(10:19):
Either way, he wasn't goinganywhere. As we started to move
past him, the snake decided itwas time to skedaddle. We heard
leaves rustling as he tried toslither up the hill, falling and
regaining and falling as wewalked past. Suddenly, Cody
caught sight of him, and in amicrosecond, all four of his
feet levitated to the left asthe snake went by to our right.
(10:40):
Fortunately, I stayed balanced.
I quickly reassured Cody thatall was well, and we walked on.
Second opportunity to confirm mypressure threshold. We arrived
back at the barn all in onepiece. I was able to drive away
in my own car, not the ants,just as had been the case in
many rides over the past twoyears. I survived. There really
was no question about mysurvival. I had built a much
(11:05):
stronger foundation in both myskills and, more importantly, in
raising my pressure threshold.
The only thing left was to getback on the horse Mocha, but
first I had the opportunity todiscover just how far I had
come, and a chance to movethrough pressures I had never
been able to withstand, theheights of fear. It was almost
(11:30):
inconceivable that I had been onthis quest for three years. What
would it mean for me to finallyachieve the goal of getting back
on mocha? Well, just a mere fewmonths before the goal seemed
way out of reach. After the ridewith Cody, I realized that
riding mocha was within reach.
Ironically, I stood thinking itcould let down because I had
treated it like the Holy Grail.
(11:53):
It was quite strange to considerthat riding mocha could be any
sort of letdown. After all, ithad not been that long ago that
Bruce had asked, Are you everplanning to get back on the
horse? My answer at that momentwas a yes, but with the same
level of confidence as if he hadasked, Do you think you will
ever book a trip to outer space?
It sounded great in theory, butonly because it was so far out
(12:15):
of the realm of possibility atthe time. Now the day was near,
I had questions. What would itmean to check off this box?
Would I quit riding lessons?
Would I somehow declare myselfcomplete? Would I treat it as a
test, rather than allowing thisexperience to help me burn off
(12:35):
the old ways when I go back tomy previous life without horses?
What ways had this quest trulychanged me? The answer to the
last question came in asurprise, nothing to do with
horses and everything to do withperhaps my greatest fear of all
heights. If our most core humanneed of all is to be safe, it is
(12:59):
second only to a mother's needfor her child to be safe. When
my mom was pregnant with me, shehad a dream that would color the
rest of my existence. She and mydad were vacationing at the
Grand Canyon. I was a toddler.
In her dream, I ran towards theedge and disappeared. She woke
in terror as little Lynn, whowas not even born yet fell off
(13:19):
the cliff. Even though shequickly realized it was a dream,
she treated it as a premonition.
For the rest of my life, fivewords were echoed, no screamed
in my ear, don't go near theedge. She meant it literally and
figuratively. Don't go in nearanything where I could fall off.
(13:43):
Don't go near anything where Icould be hurt. Don't go near
anything at the edge of abelief, rule or principle in her
world, I needed to stay far awayfrom any kind of risk that could
lead to death, falling or beingjudged. My mom just wanted me to
be safe. What happened mostlywas that I developed a
(14:04):
debilitates. My history ofdealing with high places was
littered with experiences whereI lost my exposure. Yet here I
was married to man, Russ wholoves high adrenaline,
adventures involved going nearfrightening edges, the better
part of me probably chose him tohelp me work through my fear so
that I could enjoy life. Formost of our marriage, my
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fearful, fretful inner childgave him no chance to help me.
Instead, I embarrassed him witha full scream when he took me
rock climbing, I slapped hishand away when he tried to
comfort me on the stairs of theStatue of Liberty, I quivered
and shook in every steep placewe ever visited, including the
deck on my own mountainsidehome. On more than one hike
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along a cliffside route, Ibalked and then melted in a
puddle of tears my fear ofheight while scuba diving, I
went under took one look. At theedge of the Cayman wall,
dropping into oblivion in theocean, mind you, and levitated
out of the water. To say I had afear of heights is an
understatement. Eventually, hegave up doing most extreme
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activities. In the meantime, Isomehow managed to learn to ride
a snow ski lift without holdinga death grip from bottom to top.
We settled into occasional safe,middle of the road vacation like
our parents took. None of thiswas on my mind when I booked a
trip for four to go to the zipline down the road at one local
attractions known as the gorge.
Ironically, we were going withour friends David and Darryl,
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the same woman who hadintroduced me to Bruce and was
teaching me to ride Scotty mightget to see my fear of heights in
all its Texas size glory. Littledid I know at the time that this
was the fastest, steepest zipline in North America. I learned
that fun fact while we werestrapping into harnesses. It
wasn't until that moment Iremembered, oh, I was afraid of
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heights. What the hell was Idoing here, and why had I booked
it? Our friends had mentioned itwould be fun, and being the camp
director style organizer, I justmade the reservation. Now,
sitting on the edge of the deckat the gorge, getting strapped
into my harness, I checked infor the usual syrup of fearful
sensations that would startcoursing through my body at
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these moments interesting. Ifelt something, but this was
different than the usual premeltdown sensation. My negative
poll was being registering if Ihad to give it a number, it was
a three instead of jell o legsfeeling locked down in fear. I
was excited as they took usthrough the pre flight routine,
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I checked in with myself again.
I found myself curious if thesensations would be like water
skiing. Was it as fast? Butwould my curiosity last? What
would I do when it was time tostep off the edge? Should I wait
until the end, just in case Ineeded to bail out and let
everyone else go have their fun?
That choice was taken from merather quickly. They hooked us
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to the line in the sequence wewould go, and it would be
complicated to reset, so I wentwith the flow. When it came my
turn, I walked to the edge ofthe platform, and then the guide
had me step up on a tree stumpthat doubled as a mounting
block. That was another cluethat this time was different. I
was able to step up with firm,non wobbly legs as he took me to
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the zip line. Then he gave methe all clear to step off. And I
did off. I went flying at right,next speed, holding on tiny
little handle. It wasexhilarating. The zip ended with
a hard stop, the kind of jokethat sort of felt like a car
accident, such a hit formerlywould have sent me spiraling
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into freak out land. Indeed,there was a moment of surprise,
but then again, this time wasdifferent. The guide pulled me
in, and once again, I easilystepped up onto the bench as he
unhooked me and asked me to steponto the small platform
surrounding the tree. Wecontinued in this manner for
several more zips. At everystop, we were standing on a
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platform built around a treevery high off the ground. I was
fine until we reached the treewith no zip line out. Wait, what
now that I had mastered flyingon the zip line, I eagerly
looked for the next ride.
Instead, this time we would exitthe tree. I first walk across a
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swinging bridge and then goingdown a rappel line. I've never
been a fan of swinging bridgeshanging high up in the trees.
There were only two choices atthis point, walk the bridge or
have the guide lower me down ona rope. I had no interest in
going straight down the bridgewas not fun, but at least my
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feet had something to step onduring this traverse, I was just
happy to keep one foot moving infront of the other. Once we
reached the next tree, we wereback to the same choices, only
this time, there really wasn't achoice. I could repel of my own
accord, or let the trip guidelower me using his special rope,
same way out, one the drop ofshame and the other, the glide
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of victory, as the guidedemonstrated the method we would
use, it was a veritable House ofHorrors to the old me who feared
heights. The guide asked ifanyone had ever repelled before.
Yes. I said, I've been down afew feet in a rock climbing gym.
What I didn't say was doing sowas a single frame in a 20 year
journey that only it in a repelbecause I was too tired to climb
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my way back down. Then she said,Well, this is nothing like that.
This is more like a free fall,but controlled great. The guide
showed us how to walk to theedge, where she said we needed
to hang all 10 toes off theplatform. Then she said, trust
the sit and disappeared intooblivion, toes hanging off the
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platform. In other words, theopposite. Of don't go near the
edge for the first time thatday, echoes of my fearful past
started rattling around in mybrain. Lynn, on screen, one
knocked on the door of mypsyche, promising a better
answer to trust the sit here'swhere it got interesting. Yes, I
could feel the sensations of apotential freak out start to
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stir. Lynn on screen, onepummeled me with thoughts like,
is this woman crazy? Do you everthink I'm going to step off this
ledge? My negative pole was nowa solid five, registering the
highest number of the day.
However, when I checked in withmyself, I realized that the fear
while present would not drive mewhile definitely in the froth
wasn't over my pressurethreshold, I had the power to
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shift to my tools, my old ruleswould not run me. Lynn on screen
two had managed the scullingboat in the wind. Lynn on screen
two had dealt with dozens ofhorse incidents scarier than the
original trauma. Lynn on screentwo had learned to be the
conduit, take things frame byframe, shed mistakes and shift
into the what's next cycle. Itwas time for Lynn, on screen two
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to step up, or, to be precise,step off. My turn came. I was a
bit incredulous as I stepped tothe edge, because this time
actually felt markedly differentthan any other time in my life.
My body was not filled with thesensations from an overwhelming
adrenaline hit my mind had setaside the screaming thoughts
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driven by fear. My legs functionlike real legs, rather than
feeling like liquefying jello.
So I stepped up to the edge. Theguy took the slack out of the
rope, and it's like that Istepped off the platform all day
long. Russ marveled that I wasmanaging the zip lines when I
dropped off the rappel, whichturned out to be the first of
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three similar dismounts from thetrees. He was thrilled beyond
words, my recovery from fallingoff the horse had given me so
much more than horseback ridingskills I had not just changed
around the edges. I wasfundamentally different in
getting back on the horse. I hadunleashed my tools mocha a week
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after I rode Cody Darrell and Ireturned to the barn. He'd been
working on the ground withScotty as I continued to learn
to develop trust and connectionwith horses. Working with Scotty
had helped me see the subtlesignals and shifts that horses
are always sending. In theintervening three years, I had
often wondered about the signalsI had missed from Mocha that day
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when I saddled him, it neverdawned on me to check in with
him if he was standing still. Iassumed he was fine, and I went
about my business, myreflections also took me to the
people in my life. I wonderedhow many hundreds of people I
had worked with where I mighthave missed the subtle signals
they were sending. How often hadI just gone about my business
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not noticing whether the personI was with was sending signals
that they were uncomfortable.
The incident with Jen in thebarn with Phoenix had brought
this lesson home to me. Jen isboth incredibly sensitive in a
tuned in kind of way, and isalso a master of not showing how
she feels. Often, the mostsensitive horses are the ones
that are the best at hiding howthey feel, which was mocha on
this day, I knew everythingwould be different from the time
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we start. I took my timebrushing him and checking his
feet, rather than rushingthrough to get the saddle on so
I could get on my mind. Stayedwith each task. Mocha happily
stood there from start to finishwithout so much as a halter,
step by step, frame by frame, Iwent through each task after I
had him saddled and bridled, Iasked Babs to make sure
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everything was in the rightplace. While I would not have
been surprised to feel anxiousas I stepped on the mountain
block, I had raised my pressurethreshold by this point so that
even a return to the scene didnot trigger a trauma response.
Once we started out, I feltconfident to be in the lead.
Unlike the first time I wrotehim, I could feel his
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responsiveness to my everyrequest until we got to the
first intersection where wecould go either back to the barn
or keep going out. At thatpoint, mocha just stopped. No
amount of urging on my partwould move him. Daryl rode
calmly, passed on Cody and mochathen decided he could go along
with the plan. The rough ridewas as uneventful a trail ride
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can be. Perhaps the most dramawe had was taking a steep
downhill. Babs had watchedduring the ride, and could see
that mocha and I were doing welltogether. She knew it would be a
confidence builder for both meand for mocha. And we neared the
top of the hill, Babs remindedme to do large S turns with him
on the way down and trust him tofind his footing. This hill was
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actually much longer and steeperthan the one where I had the
accident. When we reached thebottom, I was both thrilled and
aware that I had crossed anotherthreshold. Many months later, we
took a turn down another steephill
as we reached the bottom, Babsaid it. We call this trail
collarbone alley. My firstthought was they had, let's
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break a collarbone here. BeforeI could voice it, she said,
there you had your accident. AllI could was, really it was here.
Nothing had come up for me. Itlooked like I remembered at all.
In fact, my first instinct wasto question we had the right
place. Then I realized that Babshad designed the trail system.
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She directed her husband to findus that day. She had passed the
site many times in theintervening three years. Yeah,
she might know better than mewhere I accident occurred while
I had been saying for some timeI could tell my sessions with
Bruce were rewiring my brain,revisiting the place sealed the
deal. The accident was behindme. Time after time I had chosen
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a tools response while underpressure, every voice led set of
neural pathways in my brain, theold pathways became like an
untended trail in the woodsovergrown with vegetation while
the new pathways were openinglike a super highway. After many
months of riding Bucharegularly, I came to realize
that he is the ultimatetrailers. He stands quietly to
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be groomed and tapped withoutbeing tied up. He likes to be in
the lead for good reason. Deercrashing through the woods don't
phase him. Snakes barelyregister a glance. We have faced
it all together and more.
Looking back on the accident, Ican see clearly now that mocha
did nothing wrong. He was simplytrying to figure out what I
wanted. What I wanted was notclear to me or him. On that day,
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I was way over my pressurethreshold. I didn't even know I
had a pressure throw. I believedthat skills were all that
mattered and were lacking.
Returning to ride him wasuneventful, because I had
significantly raised my pressurethreshold and I had gained
skills. With my new eyes, I nowrecognize that riding Scotty was
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the next opportunity to raise mypressure threshold. An even
bigger moment. Darrell and Imade Friday mornings a regular
thing before we went back toface the pressures on the trail
with Scotty, she wanted me to beextremely comfortable moving him
through a lot of transitionsfrom walk to slow, walk forward
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walk to working pace. This madea lot of sense, based on my
handful of experiences with himtoday. My greatest fear was of
him running away with melearning transitions would give
me the confidence that goingfast was not a one way street.
The most important transitionwas into his gate and then back
to walk. Scotty doesn't trot, hegates. It's a fast shuffle like
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movement that is the silk. I wassuper excited to learn how to do
it with him. First, Darryldemonstrated it in the unit,
from what I could tell, she didnothing and simply said, gate.
Scotty then moved for forwardwalk into his beautiful gate. It
looks so easy until I tried it,I had written Scott enough
realize how fun to the slightestfade and is always happy to go
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faster. As I walked around thearena, Daryl guided me to
maintain a loose rain as I askedhim to go faster and slower, and
finally, she said, Just say theword gate, change, nothing else.
Well, I said the word gate, andScotty cantered off, much like
he did the very first time Iever wrote him three months
before my accident. Canteringwas definitely not the picture
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we had for this moment, eventhough my inner little girl
wanted to run like the wind, mymore sensible adult self knew
better. Always lurking in thebackground was the fear that he
would run and I would not beable to stop him, so I would
bring him around and try again.
It was in these moments thatboth Darryl and I were aware
that this time things weredifferent. Rather than finding
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my body flooded with adrenaline,I was able to calmly bring him
around to a stop. Then we wouldtry again. In the past, it was
often my terrified fear responsethat said Scotty running with
three years of working withBruce under my belt, I had
raised my pressure threshold tothe point that I could stay
relaxed and present when Scottycantered off. However, we still
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not solved the problem. In thesemoments, I could feel myself at
a choice point between screenone, the mistake cycle, and
screen two, what's next cycle?
It was so tempting to beatmyself up for not being able to
get it in the far recesses of mymind, I could hear the little
voice and to say, What is wrongwith me? Why can't I do this?
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Now I was seeing that temptationfor what it was, a new coding,
self protective armor to take meaway from the discomfort of the
froth I knew the what's nextcycle was the better choice.
Choosing the path of screen twoallowed me to remember my
negative pole for the tuningfork that it was since Daryl
introduced me to Bruce, we hadshared language around balancing
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my poles as an extremelyexperienced horse trainer, she
also recognized. Go effectivelyride this highly trained horse.
She studied the arena video,which captured what was really
happening. She could seesomething in my form that I
couldn't feel when I asked forthe gate, I suddenly shifted my
weight forward in preparationfor the unknown, while Daryl
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knew from many years ofexperience that it would not
feel that much faster. Mysubconscious mind wasn't
convinced whether I meant to ornot. Scotty heard my movement as
a request to canter. That's howhe was trained. The problem was
me, it was going to take many,many repetitions me doing the
wrong thing to get it right. Inthe meantime, Scotty would be
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cantering off my subtle moves,thinking he was doing right
thing. Rather than confuse thehorse, Daryl decided to take
another path. Over the nextseveral weeks, she taught me to
ride with contact, whichinvolves riding with a much
shorter range, sort of likeholding hands with the horse.
The key to contact is presenceand feel unbeknownst to me at
the time, it's one of the mostdifficult riding skills to
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learn. Do it either too hard ortoo soft, and the horse can
develop a hard mouth or becomevery confused about what the
rider is asking. Once again, Iwas dancing the tightrope
between too much and too little.
The only way to find my balancewas to feel my way through it,
slowly but surely. Week by week,frame by frame, we built my
skills. The path we were on Nowfit the category of go slow to
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go fat. We broke things downeven more to the frames within
the frames. Every now and then Icould feel my impatience rise,
trying to send me into themistake cycle. This time, those
far away voices tried to saythings like, this is remedial
training you should be advancingmore quickly. Inevitably, the
question at the root of mistakecycle is, what is wrong with me?
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When my mind ventured intomistake territory, I gently
brought it back. I rememberedthat the comfort found in armor
might shield me from the angst,but it also kept me small and
fearful. Darryl reminded me thiswas advanced training, not
remedial. Also behind thosequestions was the awareness that
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horses can spook and run off andjump in good directions. By now,
I was riding many differenthorses on many different trails,
including Bucha. I had beenthrough many, many situations
far scarier than the one thatcaused my accident, where I once
enjoyed situations that hadproven themselves dangerous, now
I was recognizing that I couldinstead choose to build my
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mental tools. Not only was Ibuilding skills, but I also
raised my pressure thresholdevery time I chose the what's
not next cycle on screen too.
After a few sessions, Darryldecided Scotty and I were ready
to try the gate again. Sheguided us through several upward
and downward transitions,through different speeds. Then
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she said the magic words,forward, walk, but this time, go
to the edge. As we walk, sheencouraged me with the words, go
to the edge. Go to the edge. Goto the edge. The irony was not
lost on me. For all those earlyyears, my mom had yelled, don't
go near the edge much of myadult life, and spent unwinding
that old programming withoutmuch success. Yet now with a new
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understanding of how to raise mypressure threshold, build my
mental tools and take thingsframe by frame. I welcomed the
words I went to the edge Scottygated. Then he slowed down when
I asked, did it again? Then heslowed down, then we went calm
around. Things could not havebeen more different when I
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changed. Scotty changed one ofmy favorites of all time is the
real voyage of discoveryconsists not in seeking new
landscapes, but in having neweyes. By Marcel Proust, in the
past three years, I had changedwhen I saw the world with new
eyes. Everything changed.
Chapter 20. Conclusion, theother side of fear. Fear may be
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one of the most essential yetpotentially damaging human
emotions. Without enough of it,we will die. With too much of
it, we fail to live as withanything that matters. It's not
the thing itself. It's findingthe right balance with the thing
that matters. Water is essentialto life, yet water can kill.
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Salt is essential to life, yettoo much salt can kill fire, can
consume and destroy. Fire alsooffers life saving heat. There
are countless theories of how wehumans should treat fear,
the ideas ranging fromcompletely getting rid of fear
to putting fear in the driver'sseat. Fear loves to be in the
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driver's seat, left to its owndevices. Fear sends the message,
I'm here to help. Let me tellyou what to do, when to do, and
how to do. Fear also loves to behidden in the shadows. Behind
the scenes, fear says, tell noone about me. You've completely
gotten rid of me. You areamazing now. Do only that, which
you know you can do. Take nochances lest you die. Since most
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of us don't want to listen tofear in either extreme, it's
common to put that voice onother people. When I was in the
process of choosing to leave mybanking career and enter the
startup world ofentrepreneurship, fear said to
me, what about the risk? Whatabout all the money you were
leaving on the table? Are yousure you want to blow up a 20
year career? What about healthinsurance? What about your
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retirement plan? The voice offear didn't come to me in the
form of a scary voice on high ora sneaky voice in the shadows?
Nope, the voice of fear soundedlike my dad. In fact, it sounded
so much like my dad that I spentsix months agonizing over how to
tell him what I was considering.
That voice caused me tooverreact, taking extreme
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measures to leave myself a backdoor into the organization I was
leaving just in case I failed.
That voice almost caused me tomiss the opportunity. On the
day, I finally had to tell mydad because I had submitted my
resignation, I picked up thephone and found my hands
shaking. I expected to hear himsay the exact words that had
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been rolling around in my head.
Living with him for 18 yearsassured me that I was the expert
on His every thought andfeeling. As a result, I had
prepared myself with everyexplanation, my armor, strong
defenses up, I finally spat outmy decision. Then I got the
shock of my life. Dad didn't sayanything out loud that even
remotely sounded like what hehad been spouting in my head. In
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fact, it was the opposite. Hesaid something along the lines
of that sounds amazing. I'm soproud of you and excited to see
where this goes. He went on toask questions about what I would
be doing, how I found theopportunity, and what I was most
looking forward to doing. Wow.
Part of me thought, Who are youand what have you done with my
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dad? After we hung up, I took amoment to reflect on what had
happened and what I had missed,and I remembered some key things
about my dad. His profession wasfinding oil. He was the classic
wildcatter, gambling on findingenergy hidden deep in the earth,
his gambling spirit ran a milewide. Had I used my tools to
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listen and hear who he reallywas and what he really thought?
My fear would not have appearedas a dad apparition. Instead,
what I heard in my head was notmy dad, but my construct of him
created by my fear. When I wasable to own my fear as mine and
mine alone, not something put onme by someone else, I was able
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to address it in a balanced way.
Yes, I did need to consider allthe factors in taking the leap
from steady corporate treadmillto a roller coaster driven by
me, operating in this mindset.
Fear was behind me, informingme, alerting me to danger, not
running me like a robot. Thisincident gave me a glimpse of
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the other side of fear, where ithad a role, but it didn't have
to run me. Parents, schools andsociety impose all kinds of
rules on children to keep themsafe. On the attachment side of
the balancing act, we areseeking belonging, relationships
and more importantly, certainty.
Humans don't survive inisolation. We need each other,
and we need the rules that bringus together, as long as we don't
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overuse them. On the selfexpression side of the balancing
act, we long to shine our ownlight. We sense the spark that
is unique to us. We owe it toourselves and others to bring to
the world that which only we canbring. Just as artists use their
tools in ways only they can, thetools we bring our perceptions,
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curiosity, discipline, problemsolving fuel our ability and our
very presence. The heat ofpressure shapes us much like it
forms diamonds. Yes, it'sdangerous. We risk rejection,
and it's not comfortable. If wereject the process, we get stuck
in the endless loop of beatingourselves into oblivion. When we
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embrace it, we unleash our toolsand become truer to ourselves
with each tiny moment in thispressure journey over the last
three years, I had more and moreglimpses on the other side of
that wall, working with thesurvival brain of horses gave me
a whole new repertoire to workwith my own survival brain.
Pressure is not going away. HowI respond to pressure can either
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crush me or elevate me. Themodern era has created a strange
dichotomy in our minds. On theone hand, it's taken us away
from our nature and away fromnature. We no longer spend most
of our time in nature, managingour food and shelter needs. On
the other hand, our naturalsurvival brain still runs us
(39:57):
while. Whether we truly need itor not, the amygdala still sends
adrenaline for everything weneeded it for in the old days.
Thus we end up caught in thehomeless sequence and filled
with anxiety over things thatwon't actually kill us, or we
end up being wildly successfulat a lucrative job we hate and
we feel trapped because themodern world tells us money and
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status matter more than anythingelse. I'm not saying there is no
place for rules. When I waslearning to fly private
airplanes in my late 20s andlater in my 60s, it was
essential that I followedchecklists, the proper flight
plan, pattern, emergencyprocedures and many, many more
rules. They were necessary formy safety and for the safety of
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my fellow pilots and theunwitting people on the ground.
Flying is just one example whererules have a place. What I am
saying is that our rules can getout of balance, just as so many
other aspects of our lives canget out of balance. Reaching for
our tools in the right place andright time helps restore that
balance. Reaching for our toolsoffers freedom. When I went into
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the round pen with a horse, Ifound myself tuning in the first
tool I needed to reach for wascuriosity, my brain, the tyrant
Lynn on screen one screamed forme to know something, control
something, finish the goal, mytrue nature. Alpha Lynn, on
screen two, listened and waitedthe horse would show me where he
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was. I did not need to knoweverything to do. I simply
needed to know the next thing todo. We don't control nature. We
dance with it, taking us no skilesson one day in the early part
of this latest pressure journey,I found myself struggling at the
end of a ski run with aninstructor. He looked at me and
said, Lynn, you are trying tocontrol the skis. You didn't
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need to let the skis do whatthey do. They are made to turn.
But I feel so out of control. Iargued, you are going to feel
that especially at first snowskiing is a dance with the
mountain. Gravity always wins.
You have to shift in everymoment to be in harmony with the
mountain. Let yourself feel thebalance point as it moves. He
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said, notice that he didn't tellme what to do. He didn't say,
move your weight here, or turnthe ski on edge for a sharper
turn, he painted a mentalpicture for me of what was
really happening on themountain. His guidance reflects
my intention. For the readers ofthis book, it's not about having
a formula, answers, hacks orRules for Living. My journey is
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now uncovering the tools thatcame with me at birth, the
teachers and pressures of thisjourney simply showed me the
missing pieces to get in touchwith my natural gifts, the gifts
we were all given. We do nothave to keep reliving our past,
traumas and fears. We canrewrite the past if we choose
to, quote, unquote, embrace thesuck by feeling our feelings.
(42:58):
It's uncomfortable, but so isspending energy to stuff our
feelings, hiding from realityand beating ourselves up, living
life this way, by welcoming thesolvent of pressure, reaching
for our tools, being theconduit, using our negative,
positive pole to guide us andbreaking the picture into the
smallest frames, unleashes thetrue Spirit hiding underneath
(43:20):
our armor. It makes us a littlefreer than we were before. With
this mindset, having the perfectjob, perfect spouse, perfect
hobbies, no longer matter. Whatmatters more is in doing our
job, negotiating marriage,practicing our hobbies, we
become on that ski trip, I hadmoments of Dancing with the
(43:41):
mountain. They were fleeting,exquisite and elusive. Yet
through my fear, I felt it alittle more of me shined through
as I rewrote my past. Fear offalling, the fear isn't going
away. So what are we to do aboutthe fear? We can stuff it, be
overwhelmed by it, or we canchoose something more life
(44:03):
affirming. We can dance thetightrope.
Thank you for listening to thecreative spirits. Unleash
podcast. I started this podcastbecause I was having these great
conversations, and I wanted toshare them with others. I'm
always learning in theseconversations, and I wanted to
share that kind of learning withyou. Now, what I need to hear
(44:25):
from you is what you want moreof and what you want less of. I
really want these podcasts to beof value for the listeners.
Also, if you happen to knowsomeone who you think might love
them, please share the podcastand, of course, subscribe and
rate it on the different appsthat you're using, because
that's how others will find it.
Now, I hope you go and dosomething very fun today. You.
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