January 27, 2025 • 43 mins
Welcome back to another episode of Cryptid Cocktail Party! Kind of... it's our two-year anniversary this episode, so we thought it would be fun to revisit our first episode ever and give it a little glow up. So we retooled it, punched it up, and are giving you a better and updated version of everyones favorite cryptid, the Flatwoods Monster!
Listen to me talk shit on The Spooky Shed: Part 1 and Part 2
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Hey everybody.
(00:25):
Welcome back to another episode of Cryptic Cocktail Party Show.
We have a few drinks, share a few laughs, take a dive into the unknown.
I'm your host Dave, joined as always by my cohost Sarge.
How's it going?
Your dog's going ape shit in the background.
I don't know how she found a squeak toy.
I literally hid all of them.
She's just, she just hates me so much.
(00:47):
She's excited because you know why?
She knows that today is our two year anniversary.
Hell yeah.
Yeah.
Two years.
Two years.
Well for you, I guess it's been your one year anniversary, kind of.
This is my one year anniversary, but I'll just pretend.
Yeah.
That's what I mean.
Pretending is what we do half time on the show anyways, so it's fine.
(01:08):
Yeah.
I was part of the show in the first season, but it was, you know.
Yeah, we were.
Yeah, it's whatever.
Uh, but yeah, two years.
I can't believe it.
We've come so far Sarge in two years.
It's been crazy.
It's bananas.
This show started out as a way for me to reconnect with my friends.
And now it's turned into me talking to you every day, which I kind of enjoy
(01:30):
better because fuck those guys.
They didn't want to be on my show to begin with.
You reconnected with a new friend.
I did.
I made a new lifelong friend through the internet.
That's the magic of the internet and podcasts and social media.
You know, that's just, it's beautiful.
It's a beautiful thing.
I mean, not, no social media is a nightmare and it should be fucking abolished, but.
(01:50):
It wasn't for that.
I would never have met you.
You wouldn't have been a guest on the show.
We probably would never have been sponsored by Narragansett beer.
We wouldn't have won an award.
So this is less about our two year anniversary and more about how social
media kind of fucking rules, but sucks at the same time.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Now, if you'll give me just a moment, I'm going to pull the squeaker out of that toy
(02:11):
because it's going to drive me insane.
You got a champ.
Hi, sweetheart.
Best dog in the world.
You know, I love you, but if you squeak that thing one more time, I'm going to
shoot it in the space.
So for those of you who can't see Sarge right now, he is dressed to the nines
for this occasion.
All right.
Top hat, fucking top.
You look, you look great.
And like I said earlier, before we started recording, you kind of look like the hat
(02:31):
man.
If this was a lucid Benadryl fever dream right now.
Yes.
Yes.
I I'm like, I'm like not the worst nightmare you have, because when you wake up,
you're first scared because you see the top hat, but then I'm just going to start
talking to you about battles in World War Two.
Yeah, that's.
(02:57):
Well, you see in World War Two, they experimented with geometry on their ships
to try and hide it from Helicopter.
Did you know they had inflatable tanks?
I did know that.
I actually I learned that probably embarrassingly recently.
I don't I don't mean like within the past, like four months, but within the past,
like 10 years or so, I learned that.
And I feel like that's something I should have learned way soon.
(03:18):
No, it's it's they actually kept it a secret for a long time.
Did they really?
Yeah. And the Germans tried it, too.
They tried to build like a whole fake town out of wood and they built like tanks out
of wooden stuff. And so Germans flew.
I mean, the English flew over at one point and just dropped one wooden bomb
because they knew immediately that it was fake.
Rolling the fuck out.
(03:40):
That's pretty good.
Yeah, it's pretty good.
Oh, all right.
Oh, speaking of the British, before we get started, I was a guest on
the Spooky Shed, which is a podcast out of England.
It was really fun. So definitely go check that out.
I've ranted for so long that they had to split it into two parts.
(04:03):
You know, it's a good episode when it takes two episodes to get through.
Yeah, it was fun.
I get nervous and I talk if I don't have like a script or like notes
in front of me, I'll ramble forever if I'm nervous.
So like and he was so polite, Liam.
And like you could tell, because like I would start talking and I'd talk forever.
And I'd have to be like, do you want to like interject at any point?
(04:24):
I'm just talking. He's like, no, no, you're good.
I'm like, no, you can't be this polite.
You keep going. You have to cut me off or I this will be
it'll be a whole new podcast.
It just won't end. It'll be.
They were thoroughly prepared for you. That's what happened.
They were prepared. They were like Americans talk a lot.
So we're just going to let this go and we will not interrupt
because we're too polite. I think. Yeah.
Also, I learned this.
I didn't know that England also uses miles and like miles per hour.
(04:48):
All of all the rest of Europe uses kilometers.
So I was starting to just talk. Yeah.
So I was no idea.
I was asked by Liam to let everyone know that they in fact use
what makes sense.
The it's the imperial system, right?
They are the empire. So.
I mean, they're still measuring shit in stones.
(05:10):
Yeah, but I think that's just wait.
I don't really know.
That's still too much.
That's because I mean, like, is it's just it blows my mind
when they're like, yeah, he's 21 stone.
What is that?
Because I have stones in my backyard and they're not that heavy.
I think 21 of them would not equal my weight.
I don't know what stones are.
(05:31):
I mean, it's probably it was probably what they had to use.
Like they had to do the math to figure out how many stones
it would take to crush a human woman for being a witch. So
it probably has to something like the date back to that point in time.
I really don't know.
But I can find out like how many stones you had to put in the castle wall
before you could marry the king's daughter.
(05:57):
God damn.
But yes, I was a guest on a show.
It was it was fun. I had a good time.
They're really cool dudes.
Well, I say dudes.
The other guy wasn't there.
So it was just Liam and I guess Billy.
I don't know. He had to take.
All right. He had to take care of like his quote unquote his newborn baby.
Pfft fucking nerd.
Dumb. Right.
Talk about cryptids.
(06:18):
Yeah, I don't I don't believe that baby even exists.
I haven't seen it. You know. Yeah.
Baby could be a cryptid for all I know.
I had a hell of a week this week.
Yeah. As I as I we didn't really get to talk about it
because we had a guest and we didn't want to depress them.
But, you know, I had to put my my cat, Ralphie to sleep.
Yeah. Happy to hear the show.
Cat. Yeah, I know.
(06:39):
I know. Poor guy.
But, you know, he's he's up in in kitty cat heaven
biting mice in half because he's a fucking serial killer.
So you're saying is that cat heaven is mouse hell?
Yes. We're very efficient the way it worked out.
Gotcha. Gotcha.
Mouse Hitler is just running away from my cat right now.
(07:01):
And then and then my poor dad did the most Boston thing ever.
He fell in a Dunkin Donuts parking lot, slipped on some ice.
Shouldn't be laughing, but that's I mean, he.
This yeah, you can't get more New England than slipping
and falling on ice in a Dunkin Donuts parking lot at nine in the morning.
Yeah. Was he holding a couple of fucking lodge extra extras, dude?
(07:24):
Fucking no, thankfully he was on his way in, not his way out.
OK, so he didn't burn himself because it didn't get the two for one
special of the fall and the scalding hot coffee
pouring all over your chest.
That's good. Well, is he OK, at least I hope he's OK.
He's OK. He's his shoulders a little dinged up, but he's all right.
He's feisty as ever.
Oh, he's like, I'm going to I'm going to call Morgan and Morgan.
(07:45):
And I was like, all right.
All right.
Did Morgan and Morgan get in trouble for being like
not being licensed in half the states that they claim to be able to do law?
And look, he can go for it.
You can go for it.
I'm it's their own fault for not putting ice meltdown.
I mean, it's like the cheapest thing we have here.
(08:07):
That's true.
But also they probably assume that if you live in New England,
you know how to walk on ice to say I'm not calling out your dad.
But I mean, he's been here longer than either of us have.
You should know.
Bro, bro, you're you're too old to have slipped on ice.
Yeah, right. That's what I'm saying.
That's going to be the defense for Duncan Donis when he goes to court.
(08:27):
It's like, bro, you know where you are. Look at him.
He's been here his entire life.
Yeah, he should know better by now.
They'd be like, how dare you sue Duncan Donis.
You grew up in Quincy. You know where we came from.
Think about all the ad revenue Ben Affleck's not going to get because of this.
That's on you, bucko.
(08:49):
He's suing Ben Affleck directly.
Well, I'm sorry about your cat and I'm sorry about your dad.
That sucks.
I mean, I'm starting to feel the the effects of aging.
I slept wrong three nights ago and now my right arm is almost completely useless
because I have a fucking knot in my back that just won't go away.
So, yeah, no, I feel you.
(09:09):
Yeah, that's that's that's exactly that's the hallmark of aging.
Is that shit just doesn't work anymore when you wake up.
All I did was turn weird, I think, at one point in the night.
And then something. Yeah, I have to fucking sit weird on my couch
or else my arm just goes completely dead.
It's not great. It's all bad.
But anyway, Sarge, we have a two year anniversary special to get to.
(09:30):
I call it a special.
It's going to be something a bit different.
I started this show two years ago.
In the first episode, I did with somebody, Buddy Colby.
And so what I wanted to do is I kind of wanted to see.
If I could do it better, not that the episodes bad, but, you know,
I mean, like I want to compare and contrast the two.
So today, Sarge, we are headed.
(09:51):
I'm ready to the great state of West Virginia.
Very exciting.
All right. So we're going to head into Braxton County, West Virginia.
Now, this is one of those quintessential American slices of Appalachia,
where the rolling hills are endless, the forests feel ancient
and the small towns carry stories whispered across generations
(10:12):
where the women are scarce and the sheep are scared.
No known for its tight knit communities
in a history steeped in coal mining, farming and folklore,
Braxton County wasn't exactly like a hub of excitement.
It's very small area.
This was like a place where neighbors knew each other by name
and local legends were as much a part of life as the mountains themselves.
(10:34):
But on September 12th, that quiet charm would be interrupted.
One of Braxton County's smallest villages would find itself thrust
into the national spotlight for reasons no one could have predicted.
This week, Sarge, we are doing Flatwoods Monster redo.
Yes.
Are you familiar with the Flatwoods Monster?
(10:55):
You have to be being on this show, I feel like, at some point.
I'm relatively familiar.
We have talked about the Flatwoods Monster a number of times.
So I know it through context, but I don't know the story that well.
OK, so the Flatwoods Monster was the first episode that I ever did.
It's one of my favorite cryptids of all time.
It's just everything about it is great from the story to the imagery
(11:19):
to even like the fan art of it is the best.
For some reason, the Flatwoods Monster, if you're wondering, is a girl.
There's no doubt about it.
So it's always like the cutest fucking fan.
Just everything about this story is amazing.
So if you're not familiar with it, this should be good.
Now, the script, I kind of kept the same from the original,
but I added some more flavor, some more details that I missed in the first one.
(11:42):
So hopefully this is a little bit better.
We will see. Who knows?
We're going to find out together.
Now, on September 12th, 1952, in the small village of Flatwoods, West Virginia,
a quiet evening was about to get very weird.
Four young boys, Eddie.
That's the name of my sex tape.
Four young boys?
Not the four young boys part.
(12:06):
It's a little late on the delivery, and now people are going to clip that.
Yeah, it's going to be great.
I'm going to clip it.
This is going to be the leading clip of the show.
Do you want me to take that again?
Yes, please.
On September 12th, 1952, in the small village of Flatwoods, West Virginia,
a quiet evening was about to get very weird.
(12:26):
Four young boys.
Name of my sex tape.
God damn it.
Yes.
From the top.
Four young boys, Eddie and Freddie May, Tom Higher and Neil Nunley,
(12:50):
were playing outside Flatwoods Elementary School, doing whatever it is that they...
Whatever the 1950s version of like playing Pokemon Go was.
It's probably like Jacks or fucking...
That one thing with like the stick in the ball.
Yeah.
I don't know what they did.
The hoop. The hoop. With stick.
Like kicking the...
I don't know what they did for fun in the 1950s, but whatever that...
(13:14):
I think they were playing football.
I genuinely don't know what they were doing.
I mean, there's other stuff that they could have been doing, given that it was a self,
but let's give them the benefit of the doubt.
It was around 7 p.m., almost fully dark, when suddenly a bright red light shrieked across the night sky,
and it eventually crashed into a hillside on G. Bailey Fisher's farm in Braxton County.
Naturally, the boys joked about it being a flying saucer or the start of an alien invasion.
(13:38):
One of the boys even suggested that it might have been a meteor,
and that they should bring it to the geological society, like some sort of fucking intergalactic narc, because...
Yeah. You keep that shit. You find a meteor, you hang on to it.
That's what I'm saying.
That's your rock.
Nerd.
Yeah. Space gave you a fucking gift, and you're laughing in their face.
Exactly. Now, their curiosity peaked. The boys decided to investigate.
(14:01):
On their way, they stopped at the May family home to let Kathleen May, Eddie and Freddie's mom know
what they had just seen, and that they were about to embark on a stand-by-me-style adventure
to go poke dead alien bodies with some sticks.
Is there not a better movie in the world?
Yeah, there's way better movies.
Stand by me, I just... How dare you? Stand by me is one of the greatest films ever made.
(14:24):
Okay.
About four people looking to find a dead body.
This is basically that, but with children and a... Or I guess, stand by me is with children.
But this is that with aliens.
But Kathleen, being fucking just rad as hell, was like, oh, fuck yeah, dude. Hold up a second.
I'm coming with you. Let me get my coat, my shoes.
(14:46):
I do gotta make a phone call real quick.
Now, Sarge, who do you think she called upon hearing that her sons and their friends just witnessed
a fireball crash into a farm? Was it A, the police, B, a 17-year-old boy, or C, the Air Force?
17-year-old boy.
She called the 17-year-old boy. His name was Eugene Lemon.
(15:09):
Now, to be fair, he was a local national guardsman, but she called him to escort her
and this motley crew of boys and the family dog onto someone else's property to investigate a UFO crash.
You know why she called the national guardsman? Because no one knows what they do.
True, but also, can you be 17 and a national guardsman? Maybe in the 1950s.
Yes. The way it works is you can join the military at 17.
(15:36):
A lot of guys back in the day would forego graduating high school and just jump right in
to join the national guard or the military.
I thought you had to be 18, though. You can join, but you can't be deployed until you're 18?
Is there a cutoff? Is that what it is?
Yeah. Basically, it's kind of like when you get your driver's license, you can get your learner's permit at 15 and a half,
(15:57):
but you can't get your driver's license until you're 15.
So with the national guard, you go to basic training, but you can't do anything like deploy until you're 18.
You can't legally get shot at or murder someone until you hit—that's very cool.
All right. I didn't know that. I asked that question to Colby when we were first on here, and he was like,
I have a different time. I was like, yeah, you're probably right. I have no fucking idea.
(16:20):
Well, my great uncle lied about how old he was to get deployed to Korea and was almost immediately captured and turned into a POW.
Oh my God.
Didn't work out well for him. Poor guy.
Was he like 16?
Yeah. Basically, like back in the day, you could just tell people you were 25 and they would just be like, all right.
No checks and balances. They were just like—
(16:42):
None. Just none, honestly.
That's bananas.
So she called 17-year-old Jean Lemon, the national guardsman, escort her and the four boys and the family dog out to investigate this crash.
Now, as this ragtag team of segregation, air, paranormal investigators approached the crash site, the air changed.
(17:03):
A thick, acrid mist hung around them.
Are you okay?
Did you spit take? Did I get you? Did I get you?
You got me.
(17:25):
Yes.
I thought it was going to be me to be the first one.
No, no, you got me.
That's one of my favorite lines I've ever written and I've never written anything funnier after that.
Hold on. I need to get to the right water fountain before we leave.
(17:46):
As they approached the crash site, the air changed.
A thick, acrid mist hung around them, reportedly burning their eyes and lungs.
The group described it as smelling strongly of sulfur or burning metal, which I'm sure probably didn't put their nerves at ease at all.
No.
Now, the dog, proving to be the smartest of the group, was just like, nah, dude, I'm out.
(18:10):
That's what I would have done.
Just bailed. No, we're not doing this today.
So he ran all the way back home.
This does not smell right.
Yeah, but the rest of them, they pressed on because fucking as we see time and time again, there's no sense of self-preservation here.
And also they're committing a crime by trespassing onto this dude's property.
Anyway, so in the distance, they spotted a pulsating red light coming from what appeared to be some sort of craft.
(18:34):
They moved closer, though every step probably felt like just a bad decision.
Probably not. You know, I take that back.
They clearly were fine with it because they're just trespassing.
They don't give a fuck.
Yeah, I mean, when you think about it, it was either a craft or a moonshine still.
Well, either way, when you when you first come over the hill and you smell that and you.
(18:56):
I would have thought moonshine a meth myself.
Yeah, you smell your your eyes are burning, your lungs are burning, and then you just keep going.
Like, there's no way that they had any reservations about just seeing a craft.
No, thank you.
Yeah. So then one of the boys noticed two glowing orbs to their left.
Eugene being the only one with the flashlight shined it in that direction.
And then this is when shit got like kind of fucked.
(19:20):
So standing near a single oak tree was a 10 foot tall creature.
Its spade shaped head gleamed in the flashlight's beam and its bright glowing eyes seemed to pierce through them.
They had long claw like hands and no visible legs hovering eerily above the ground.
The May brothers claimed later it didn't seem alive, more mechanical, like a Cronenberg version of like Rosie from the Jetsons.
(19:42):
At first, the creature didn't like seem to react to the group at all.
But as soon as the flashlight beam hit it, shit got real, real fucking quick.
The creature, the creature raised its clawed arms, sprayed an oily substance toward them, which is like an intergalactic like bukkake.
Like it just fucking showered them with space jits.
(20:05):
I don't really know what it was. It just said it was some oily substance.
This got Japanese real fast.
Yeah, but it seems to be a theme for the last few episodes.
All right. Yeah, that's true.
It then unleashed a high pitched hissing sound and then began gliding towards them.
Terrified, Eugene dropped the flashlight and fell backwards out of the way.
And that was the moment that everyone finally was like, I think it's time we we skedaddle.
(20:29):
Time to go. Yeah, time to move on.
Yeah. So they sprinted back to the May home as fast as their PF flyers could carry them.
Once there. I like that good reference. You like that shit?
Yeah. Once their chaos ensued, everyone was coughing, puking, crying and covered in this strange alien cum.
Name of my sex tape.
(20:52):
The way I described it before was that you ever see that sort of family guy when they all drink the Ipikak syrup?
And they're all.
I feel like that's pretty much what was happening here. They just went from Japanese to German so fast.
Oh, yeah. I like that you just relate everything happening to porn and I kind of fuck with it.
(21:16):
Different kinds of porn. Yeah. You know, and this is why we are award winning podcasters.
My encyclopedic knowledge of disgusting things you can find on the dark web.
You were in the military, man. I'm sure you got lonely over there. You had to find.
You know, you're looking at the same thing. How many how many stepsisters caught in the dryer?
Can you really, you know, really? Yeah, it just gets to a point where it's too much.
(21:39):
Yeah.
This is going off the rails and I love it now.
So Kathleen, the mom, immediately called the sheriff's department to report what had happened.
Her voice undoubtedly shaking as she described the chaos that they had just escaped.
Now, Sheriff Robert Carr and his deputy were quick to respond, arriving alongside a local reporter from the Braxton Democrat.
(22:05):
The reporter interviewed everyone and then they went to the crash site alongside the sheriff and his deputy.
But by the time they got there, the craft, the myths, the monster, they were all gone.
All that remained was an imprint on the ground where the craft had been a lingering smell,
which is later described by one national guardsman as sharp and chemical, possibly resembling mustard gas.
And they also they also found strange skin marks leading from the oak tree to the crash location.
(22:30):
Fuck you, Sarge. I hate it.
I can't even say skin marks that you.
Oh, OK. Sorry. You're good.
Yeah, I'm a child. Yeah. So with little to go on, it seemed as if the whole incident had vanished into thin air.
And with that, the mystery deepened and the story began spreading beyond the small community.
(22:52):
I mean, that's what happens when you send a reporter along with.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, but anyways, and by beyond, I mean like beyond because no good UFO story is complete without a visit from the men in black.
Yes, I am auditioning for men in black right now.
(23:13):
You're a shoe and Sarge.
Now, a few days later, two men in suits, believed by some to be government agents, showed up at Kathleen May's door, claiming to be reporters from a neighboring city.
They asked to see the site and investigate further.
When Kathleen brought them to the farm, they found traces of the oily residue still on the ground.
And then they just raw dog. They just were touching it with their hands and shit.
(23:36):
Of course, rubbing it on their suits.
Aliens ain't got no fingerprints.
I can't imagine that that's protocol.
They're just like, oh, what is this?
Just fucking like raw hands, bare hands, just touching all that.
There's no way that that's.
You get the oil on. You don't know what that oil is.
What are you doing?
(23:57):
Well, I mean, they're the men in black.
I mean, to be fair, they probably know better than we do about what's going on.
You get one guy who's just licking it.
It doesn't taste right.
Salty.
Kind of smells like chlorine bleach.
(24:18):
This alien clearly loves swimming pools.
Must have been eating pineapple.
Too much bleach in their laundry, that's for sure.
Back at the May house, the men asked more questions and requested a sample of the residue.
I don't know why they didn't just take it from the field.
(24:39):
They fucking fucking rubbed their hands in it.
Anyways, Kathleen, thinking quickly, offered offered them the dress that she had worn that night, which was still covered in the goo.
I don't know why you're still wearing it.
She was just cooking dinner in it.
The men took the dress, thanked her, and then casually as they were leaving, we're just like, oh, by the way, we're not reporters.
We work for the Pentagon.
(25:01):
Don't tell anyone about this. Cool. You cool.
All right, cool. See you. We'll get the dress back to you as soon as possible.
She never got the dress back.
Of course not.
In the aftermath of the incident, the May family and the boys became the focus of local and national media attention.
Reporters from across the country descended on Flatwoods, eager to hear their story.
(25:22):
While some treated them with respect and genuine curiosity, as we've seen time and time again, others dismissed their accounts as hysteria or like an elaborate hoax.
The small town of Flatwoods found itself split between believers and skeptics, with the incident becoming the hottest topic of conversation in months.
Again, not much happens there, so I could see how this obviously would be that.
Now, I'd be talking about it all day every day.
(25:45):
Oh, consistently. Even if I didn't know who these people were, which I mean, you probably do because it's a tiny town, I'd be talking shit constantly.
Yeah.
You fucking hear what these clowns down there are saying? Also, it's 1950. Like, it's hard to believe what was happening there. You know what I mean?
No, they're like, it was either communists or aliens, and we don't like either one.
(26:07):
Nothing has changed.
No, it's pretty much the same. Yeah.
Now, the witness accounts were investigated by notable UFO researcher Gray Barker, who we've mentioned on the show several times.
He played a key role in bringing national attention to the story. Additionally, the U.S. Air Force became involved in Project Blue Book, which was actively investigating UFO sightings during the 1950s.
(26:30):
Military investigators visited the area to examine the site and interview witnesses.
Though their findings were never fully disclosed, their presence did help solidify the story's connection to UFO phenomena and place the Flatwoods monster among the iconic Cold War era mysteries that they were all investigating at the time.
The boys, particularly Ed and Fred, faced teasing and ridicule from classmates and neighbors who doubted their story. Kathleen May, however, stood firm, often retelling the events in vivid detail and defending her sons against critics.
(27:03):
The lingering health effects from the encounter, like the coughing, the nausea, the irritation from the mysterious mist, it was a concern for a while, though they did gradually subside.
Like, we kind of glossed over that. Like, they were all that shit. Like, the Ipikak thing. Like, yeah, yeah, that was a consistent thing for a little while.
But over time, I mean, they're they just kind of got over it.
(27:27):
It became a funny story. Like that time I had to do the tear gas and basic training at the moment. I thought I was going to die. But like 10 minutes after I was like, can we go again?
It's fun. How bad does that suck? I can't imagine it's great.
It sucks because you're trapped in a room with iron doors and the doors are locked in the drill sergeants who aren't wearing masks because they're barely human anyway.
(27:52):
Making you say stuff before you can leave. But when you breathe in, your lungs immediately reject everything that happened and spit it back out.
OK, so you really can't breathe. Yeah. And your eyes start watering and it almost feels like on the on the more sensitive skin on your body, like the back of your neck and like the inside of your forearm.
(28:13):
It feels like a sunburn. And then you run outside into the fresh air and you've just all of your mucus membranes open at once and everything kind of spills out of you.
And you literally have to flap your arms to get it out of your lungs. Really?
Yeah. Like when you when you open your your arms up, like your lungs kind of expand and then it's like a bellows.
(28:36):
You're just kind of like trying to crank it out. But what's funny is when you're done, it's actually.
Because, you know, it's not it. The police weren't shooting it at me while I was protesting.
I was in basic training and everyone else was doing it, too. So it became fun. And then I went through again.
I mean, you could smell so good after it clears everything up. Oh, yeah.
(29:01):
Yeah. Your sinuses are crystal clear.
Fucking Nettie Pot, dude. Just tear gas me, bro. Tear gas. I don't even so good.
Fuck the Geneva Convention. Put that shit right in my face.
And the worst part is like it was only maybe 10 percent of what like is actually in a tear gas grenade.
So it really wasn't that bad. But I was also in an enclosed room. So I think that's why that's because they opened a whole one.
(29:26):
We just die. OK, military's fun, kids. You should join.
Yeah. So yes, like I said, so so it was a concern for a bit.
They subsided, but they even found there was even reports of unusual metal fragments found at the site that they were never conclusively analyzed.
Skeptics proposed various mundane explanations for the sighting. The quote unquote monster was suggested to be nothing more than a barn owl perched on a tree branch.
(29:55):
And the glowing eyes were attributed to the reflective quality of its eye shine.
The red light in the sky was believed to be a meteor.
And the mist could have been natural gas or another environmental anomaly, which. All right.
So it's this I'm not saying they're right. OK, what I'm saying is that this is a town near a mining place.
(30:16):
You know, I mean, like gas is escaping from the ground could be.
I don't know if Flatwoods specifically had mines in it. I probably should have looked that up.
Probably. West Virginia is full of mines.
All I'm saying is that this is a bullshit explanation, but I could see where they might come to that conclusion that it might be an environmental anomaly because of mines.
(30:39):
Yeah. Anyways, despite these theories, the uniformity of the witnesses descriptions gave pause to skeptics and believers alike.
Now, additional sightings around the same time added even more fuel to the fire, expanding the legend of the Flatwoods monster.
Mrs. Audra Harper reported seeing a similar creature near the town of Heaters, about five miles north of Flatwoods.
(31:03):
And this was this the sighting happened, I think, like if it's the same day, but like earlier in the day or something like that.
Now, while walking through the woods, she noticed a ball of fire glowing on a nearby hill, which dissipate, which disappeared and revealed a tall man shaped figure.
Terrified Harper and her friend flood the area.
(31:26):
Another sighting took place the night after the Flatwoods incident, this time near Strange Creek, where George and Edith Snitowski, driving with her infant son, experienced a sulfuric stench and saw a bright light.
Then a reptilian 10 foot creature appeared, scraping its claws across the car hood while vanishing into the woods.
(31:49):
Now, the thing about this one is that what they described was basically the Flatwoods monster, but without like the head on it.
Does that make sense? Like almost like the like the the spade shaped thing around like on the Flatwoods monster and like they said the eyes looked like portholes like it was almost like a mask, like a mask.
OK, OK. What they're describing is pretty much the Flatwoods monster, but without its helmet on, maybe. You know, I mean, Jesus.
(32:17):
Yeah. George Snitowski, he told his story to a magazine called Mail Magazine, which sounds like a porn mag.
But I looked it up and it's like one of those like men's adventure pulp magazines that were big in the time.
You got it. One of those adventure type things.
(32:39):
I looked it up. The covers were fucking rad.
Was it like a guy in a trench coat with a revolver like pointing it while holding like a scantily clad woman?
No, it kind of looks like they kind of look it looks like the artwork from like you're seeing like the Robinson Caruso, like just like a guy like in a loincloth.
Oh, OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like that type fighting off a bear or something.
(33:00):
Yeah, it's like that kind of stuff. It's pretty cool. Got it.
But yeah, so their story added another chapter to the eerie mystery of Braxton County in the years following the Flatwoods incident.
The region experienced a surge in UFO sightings and interest from enthusiasts, reporters, investigators and UFO enthusiasts flocked to Braxton County, keeping the story alive and fueling new discussions.
Now, while no additional counters with the Flatwoods monster were officially reported, the area's mysterious reputation grew, placing it at the heart of unexplained phenomena discussions.
(33:32):
Now, despite skepticism and controversy, the event became a cornerstone of American cryptid lore, captivating believers and sparking curiosity worldwide.
The story of the Flatwoods monster spread like wildfire, putting the tiny town of Flatwoods on the map.
Tourists began flocking to the area and the creature, nicknamed Braxie by the locals, became a regional icon.
The town celebrates the legend with an annual festival complete with theme parades and alien inspired food trucks.
(33:58):
Visitors could stop by the Flatwoods Monster Museum to see artifacts, artwork and memorabilia dedicated to the sightings.
I gotta go to this town. Yeah, it seems pretty rad.
Now, Braxie's influence extends far beyond Flatwoods.
It's haunting otherworldly design has inspired filmmakers, comic book creators and game designers worldwide.
Movies have reimagined Braxie as a terrifying alien invader, while video games like The Legend of Zelda Majora's Mask and Fallout 76 immortalized it as a cryptid stalking the Appalachian wilderness.
(34:27):
Even internationally, the Flatwoods Monster has become a symbol of the unexplained.
It's been it's in that new anime on I think Netflix or Hulu called like Dundadundundun or some shit like that.
It's reimagined like a sumo wrestler. It's pretty cool.
And it's also it's decided it's so entrenched in like the UFO lore that like it comes up when people are mentioning like Roswell or Area 51, shit like that.
(34:52):
It's also been connected to the Hopkinsville Goblins like that happened around the same time.
Really? Yeah. So it's kind of cool.
Let's see this one little one off thing just became like a whole fucking it inspired so many people.
Now, today, like I said, you can find museums, you can find themed ice cream shops and even giant chairs in its honor.
Yeah, Flatwoods has a bunch of big old fucking like Adirondack chairs that are shaped.
(35:17):
It floats. It doesn't need to sit down.
It's not for it. It's just for you.
It just looks like the Flatwoods Monster.
Oh, OK. OK. I got confused. I was like, why would it like it was an offering?
Like, please come back. We have chairs now.
Please can be. We've conveniently placed chairs for your seed and pleasure Flatwoods Monster.
(35:41):
Yeah. Like I said, it's been reinterpreted, reinterpreted.
What the fuck? Reinterpreted, reinterpreted. Thank you.
You're welcome. It's so many different.
That's why I'm wearing the top hat.
Now, though the May brothers have said they wish they could forget the whole incident, the legend of the Flatwoods Monster lives on.
(36:04):
And how could it? That's like not every day that you get chased by a spade headed jizzing alien robot.
So I understand why they'd want to forget. But Sarge, that is the story of the Flatwoods Monster.
How are you feeling? I want a Flatwoods Monster t-shirt.
If any of our fans live in West Virginia, just let me know how much.
I think we can make that work. I think we can figure something out.
That would make me so happy. It sounds it sounds hilariously awesome.
(36:29):
And while you were talking, you would mention that somebody thought it might be a barn owl.
Yeah. And that reminded me of something I was looking up when I had that weird cryptid like noise in my backyard.
I was looking up different kinds of owls.
And there's actually a belief amongst folk folklorists that barn owls were kind of the nexus for a lot of ghost stories of colonists back in the day, because they do look like fucking aliens.
(37:01):
They look terrifying. Well, that's also the thing is like the barn owl.
They they bring it up on like the grays like. Yep.
You're seeing your CD. What was that Mila Jovovich movie? The fourth kind.
Fifth Element? No, the fourth kind. Fourth kind.
Have you not seen it? Remember that one? No, dude.
That was like my Blair Witch. It was what it was.
(37:24):
All right. Well, the Blair Witch was my Blair Witch, but it was like I knew the Blair Witch was a movie and not really found footage.
But the way they marketed the fourth kind is that it's based off true events.
It's like a retelling with like, oh, yes, I remember.
I remember this. I don't remember the story, but I remember the marketing campaign.
Yeah. I mean, it wasn't none of it was real. But fuck, dude.
(37:45):
That movie fucked me up. I hate owls now because of it.
I mean, whenever people go to like the regressive like hypnosis thing, they would say they saw an owl in their window.
But if you look at an owl, it looks like a gray alien.
And so that's what they. Yeah. So, I mean, that makes sense to me that ghosts or aliens could be just people holding a torch with flames and the flames and shadows and shit bouncing around the forest.
(38:12):
And then you see a barn owl. I mean, I would shit myself immediately.
You know, this thing's a terrifying to look at. Not great. It's all bad. No.
All right. So how do you feel with the Flatwoods monster? How are we doing? I love it. I love it.
This is right up there with the Sacramento Pants for me. Yeah, I love the Flatwoods monster.
Yeah, it just makes me happy. Yeah. Fucking nice green metallic dress on fucking thick as fuck.
(38:34):
She knows how to party. She knows how to party. She knows what she's doing.
All those little country boys. She's just looking for a boyfriend. That's got to be it.
So that was that's what this is what I decided to do for a two year universe.
I wanted to see if I could make the script better, make the episode not better, but different.
I think I think we we I think you succeeded that we did it.
(38:58):
It's also a story you never heard. And maybe, you know, maybe listeners of the show that are new didn't hear the original one.
And maybe they'll hear this and they'll want to compare and contrast to see how much I fucked up and how much I kept the same. So it's fine.
But yeah. All right, Sarge. That's it. Happy to your anniversary. Happy to your anniversary.
And happy anniversary to all the fans who've been listening for that.
(39:21):
Yeah, thank you guys. This is really all all because of you.
You know, in a way, we really appreciate it. Thank you for listening to us.
It's been two years. God damn, dude. What am I doing my life? Yeah, I don't know, but I love it. It's great.
All right, Sarge, that out of the way. Is there anything you want to plug in? Yeah, I want to thank Narragansett Beer for being a part of the family.
(39:46):
Cam from Narragansett. I love you. Thank you.
Also, a good friend of mine, Scott, reached out. He's listening to the show. Scott, appreciate you listening, buddy.
I won't give out his last name in case he's trying to remain under the radar.
Thank you to my dog for perpetually finding sweet toys right when I'm talking.
Buy the coloring book, SagesSuperNormal.com.
(40:11):
It's nine ninety nine, but there's a lot of pages and there's a lot of shit for you to do.
And, you know, if you feel a little anxiety about the way the world's going right now, this comic book will help a little bit.
A little bit. Yeah. What else? I don't know.
But real quick, it's not this isn't really the thing of the segment, but I got a nice message from a another podcast called Good Beer, Bad Movie Night.
(40:37):
And so I think this calls for maybe, you know, fuck it, let's do it.
I love it. I love it.
Yeah, they just they just send a nice message.
I don't think they've gotten to where you come on the show yet, maybe. But they just say, oh, they they they start from the beginning.
(41:00):
Crazy choice. You got two years to go there. But they just said you and your guests plural.
So I'm assuming they haven't gotten to where you're a consistent one. But it says you and your guests are.
I hope they don't let them down. You and your guests are a hoot.
I'm still catching up and listening to episode 51 at the moment. One day I'll hear you in real time.
Well, hopefully you catch up eventually. They're half hour episodes. I feel like it's easy to catch up.
(41:25):
Yeah, you can do it eventually. Yeah. But yeah, Good Beer, Bad Movie Night.
Thank you guys for listening. I really appreciate it.
Again, go listen to my episodes plural with the spooky shed.
You can I'll put a link to where you can find those episode in the episode descriptions.
And we've got a Patreon. We've got two tiers. If you just want a fucking vibe, hang out.
(41:51):
You don't really care about bells and whistles. Just want to support us. We got a tier that's three dollars a month.
If you want unedited video episodes, which are we started last week with Jeremy, that's going to be like four a month.
That's a good deal. Yeah, that's going to be so that's that's the second tier, which is seven dollars a month.
We'll throw in some extra bonus content whenever me and Sarge or one of us decides to just do it randomly.
(42:18):
We'll throw that up there. But yeah, five, three dollars, seven dollars a month.
It's whatever, whatever you want to do. I don't really care.
But if you want to support and if you don't want to pay anything to support the show,
you can also just leave us a rating and review on either Spotify, Apple, wherever you can.
Just it's it's awesome. And I think that's it for me.
(42:41):
Sarge, do you want to say goodbye and I love you to the audience? Goodbye. And I love you.
(43:11):
Thank you.
Hey everybody.
(00:25):
Welcome back to another episode of Cryptic Cocktail Party Show.
We have a few drinks, share a few laughs, take a dive into the unknown.
I'm your host Dave, joined as always by my cohost Sarge.
How's it going?
Your dog's going ape shit in the background.
I don't know how she found a squeak toy.
I literally hid all of them.
She's just, she just hates me so much.
(00:47):
She's excited because you know why?
She knows that today is our two year anniversary.
Hell yeah.
Yeah.
Two years.
Two years.
Well for you, I guess it's been your one year anniversary, kind of.
This is my one year anniversary, but I'll just pretend.
Yeah.
That's what I mean.
Pretending is what we do half time on the show anyways, so it's fine.
(01:08):
Yeah.
I was part of the show in the first season, but it was, you know.
Yeah, we were.
Yeah, it's whatever.
Uh, but yeah, two years.
I can't believe it.
We've come so far Sarge in two years.
It's been crazy.
It's bananas.
This show started out as a way for me to reconnect with my friends.
And now it's turned into me talking to you every day, which I kind of enjoy
(01:30):
better because fuck those guys.
They didn't want to be on my show to begin with.
You reconnected with a new friend.
I did.
I made a new lifelong friend through the internet.
That's the magic of the internet and podcasts and social media.
You know, that's just, it's beautiful.
It's a beautiful thing.
I mean, not, no social media is a nightmare and it should be fucking abolished, but.
(01:50):
It wasn't for that.
I would never have met you.
You wouldn't have been a guest on the show.
We probably would never have been sponsored by Narragansett beer.
We wouldn't have won an award.
So this is less about our two year anniversary and more about how social
media kind of fucking rules, but sucks at the same time.
Exactly.
Exactly.
Now, if you'll give me just a moment, I'm going to pull the squeaker out of that toy
(02:11):
because it's going to drive me insane.
You got a champ.
Hi, sweetheart.
Best dog in the world.
You know, I love you, but if you squeak that thing one more time, I'm going to
shoot it in the space.
So for those of you who can't see Sarge right now, he is dressed to the nines
for this occasion.
All right.
Top hat, fucking top.
You look, you look great.
And like I said earlier, before we started recording, you kind of look like the hat
(02:31):
man.
If this was a lucid Benadryl fever dream right now.
Yes.
Yes.
I I'm like, I'm like not the worst nightmare you have, because when you wake up,
you're first scared because you see the top hat, but then I'm just going to start
talking to you about battles in World War Two.
Yeah, that's.
(02:57):
Well, you see in World War Two, they experimented with geometry on their ships
to try and hide it from Helicopter.
Did you know they had inflatable tanks?
I did know that.
I actually I learned that probably embarrassingly recently.
I don't I don't mean like within the past, like four months, but within the past,
like 10 years or so, I learned that.
And I feel like that's something I should have learned way soon.
(03:18):
No, it's it's they actually kept it a secret for a long time.
Did they really?
Yeah. And the Germans tried it, too.
They tried to build like a whole fake town out of wood and they built like tanks out
of wooden stuff. And so Germans flew.
I mean, the English flew over at one point and just dropped one wooden bomb
because they knew immediately that it was fake.
Rolling the fuck out.
(03:40):
That's pretty good.
Yeah, it's pretty good.
Oh, all right.
Oh, speaking of the British, before we get started, I was a guest on
the Spooky Shed, which is a podcast out of England.
It was really fun. So definitely go check that out.
I've ranted for so long that they had to split it into two parts.
(04:03):
You know, it's a good episode when it takes two episodes to get through.
Yeah, it was fun.
I get nervous and I talk if I don't have like a script or like notes
in front of me, I'll ramble forever if I'm nervous.
So like and he was so polite, Liam.
And like you could tell, because like I would start talking and I'd talk forever.
And I'd have to be like, do you want to like interject at any point?
(04:24):
I'm just talking. He's like, no, no, you're good.
I'm like, no, you can't be this polite.
You keep going. You have to cut me off or I this will be
it'll be a whole new podcast.
It just won't end. It'll be.
They were thoroughly prepared for you. That's what happened.
They were prepared. They were like Americans talk a lot.
So we're just going to let this go and we will not interrupt
because we're too polite. I think. Yeah.
Also, I learned this.
I didn't know that England also uses miles and like miles per hour.
(04:48):
All of all the rest of Europe uses kilometers.
So I was starting to just talk. Yeah.
So I was no idea.
I was asked by Liam to let everyone know that they in fact use
what makes sense.
The it's the imperial system, right?
They are the empire. So.
I mean, they're still measuring shit in stones.
(05:10):
Yeah, but I think that's just wait.
I don't really know.
That's still too much.
That's because I mean, like, is it's just it blows my mind
when they're like, yeah, he's 21 stone.
What is that?
Because I have stones in my backyard and they're not that heavy.
I think 21 of them would not equal my weight.
I don't know what stones are.
(05:31):
I mean, it's probably it was probably what they had to use.
Like they had to do the math to figure out how many stones
it would take to crush a human woman for being a witch. So
it probably has to something like the date back to that point in time.
I really don't know.
But I can find out like how many stones you had to put in the castle wall
before you could marry the king's daughter.
(05:57):
God damn.
But yes, I was a guest on a show.
It was it was fun. I had a good time.
They're really cool dudes.
Well, I say dudes.
The other guy wasn't there.
So it was just Liam and I guess Billy.
I don't know. He had to take.
All right. He had to take care of like his quote unquote his newborn baby.
Pfft fucking nerd.
Dumb. Right.
Talk about cryptids.
(06:18):
Yeah, I don't I don't believe that baby even exists.
I haven't seen it. You know. Yeah.
Baby could be a cryptid for all I know.
I had a hell of a week this week.
Yeah. As I as I we didn't really get to talk about it
because we had a guest and we didn't want to depress them.
But, you know, I had to put my my cat, Ralphie to sleep.
Yeah. Happy to hear the show.
Cat. Yeah, I know.
(06:39):
I know. Poor guy.
But, you know, he's he's up in in kitty cat heaven
biting mice in half because he's a fucking serial killer.
So you're saying is that cat heaven is mouse hell?
Yes. We're very efficient the way it worked out.
Gotcha. Gotcha.
Mouse Hitler is just running away from my cat right now.
(07:01):
And then and then my poor dad did the most Boston thing ever.
He fell in a Dunkin Donuts parking lot, slipped on some ice.
Shouldn't be laughing, but that's I mean, he.
This yeah, you can't get more New England than slipping
and falling on ice in a Dunkin Donuts parking lot at nine in the morning.
Yeah. Was he holding a couple of fucking lodge extra extras, dude?
(07:24):
Fucking no, thankfully he was on his way in, not his way out.
OK, so he didn't burn himself because it didn't get the two for one
special of the fall and the scalding hot coffee
pouring all over your chest.
That's good. Well, is he OK, at least I hope he's OK.
He's OK. He's his shoulders a little dinged up, but he's all right.
He's feisty as ever.
Oh, he's like, I'm going to I'm going to call Morgan and Morgan.
(07:45):
And I was like, all right.
All right.
Did Morgan and Morgan get in trouble for being like
not being licensed in half the states that they claim to be able to do law?
And look, he can go for it.
You can go for it.
I'm it's their own fault for not putting ice meltdown.
I mean, it's like the cheapest thing we have here.
(08:07):
That's true.
But also they probably assume that if you live in New England,
you know how to walk on ice to say I'm not calling out your dad.
But I mean, he's been here longer than either of us have.
You should know.
Bro, bro, you're you're too old to have slipped on ice.
Yeah, right. That's what I'm saying.
That's going to be the defense for Duncan Donis when he goes to court.
(08:27):
It's like, bro, you know where you are. Look at him.
He's been here his entire life.
Yeah, he should know better by now.
They'd be like, how dare you sue Duncan Donis.
You grew up in Quincy. You know where we came from.
Think about all the ad revenue Ben Affleck's not going to get because of this.
That's on you, bucko.
(08:49):
He's suing Ben Affleck directly.
Well, I'm sorry about your cat and I'm sorry about your dad.
That sucks.
I mean, I'm starting to feel the the effects of aging.
I slept wrong three nights ago and now my right arm is almost completely useless
because I have a fucking knot in my back that just won't go away.
So, yeah, no, I feel you.
(09:09):
Yeah, that's that's that's exactly that's the hallmark of aging.
Is that shit just doesn't work anymore when you wake up.
All I did was turn weird, I think, at one point in the night.
And then something. Yeah, I have to fucking sit weird on my couch
or else my arm just goes completely dead.
It's not great. It's all bad.
But anyway, Sarge, we have a two year anniversary special to get to.
(09:30):
I call it a special.
It's going to be something a bit different.
I started this show two years ago.
In the first episode, I did with somebody, Buddy Colby.
And so what I wanted to do is I kind of wanted to see.
If I could do it better, not that the episodes bad, but, you know,
I mean, like I want to compare and contrast the two.
So today, Sarge, we are headed.
(09:51):
I'm ready to the great state of West Virginia.
Very exciting.
All right. So we're going to head into Braxton County, West Virginia.
Now, this is one of those quintessential American slices of Appalachia,
where the rolling hills are endless, the forests feel ancient
and the small towns carry stories whispered across generations
(10:12):
where the women are scarce and the sheep are scared.
No known for its tight knit communities
in a history steeped in coal mining, farming and folklore,
Braxton County wasn't exactly like a hub of excitement.
It's very small area.
This was like a place where neighbors knew each other by name
and local legends were as much a part of life as the mountains themselves.
(10:34):
But on September 12th, that quiet charm would be interrupted.
One of Braxton County's smallest villages would find itself thrust
into the national spotlight for reasons no one could have predicted.
This week, Sarge, we are doing Flatwoods Monster redo.
Yes.
Are you familiar with the Flatwoods Monster?
(10:55):
You have to be being on this show, I feel like, at some point.
I'm relatively familiar.
We have talked about the Flatwoods Monster a number of times.
So I know it through context, but I don't know the story that well.
OK, so the Flatwoods Monster was the first episode that I ever did.
It's one of my favorite cryptids of all time.
It's just everything about it is great from the story to the imagery
(11:19):
to even like the fan art of it is the best.
For some reason, the Flatwoods Monster, if you're wondering, is a girl.
There's no doubt about it.
So it's always like the cutest fucking fan.
Just everything about this story is amazing.
So if you're not familiar with it, this should be good.
Now, the script, I kind of kept the same from the original,
but I added some more flavor, some more details that I missed in the first one.
(11:42):
So hopefully this is a little bit better.
We will see. Who knows?
We're going to find out together.
Now, on September 12th, 1952, in the small village of Flatwoods, West Virginia,
a quiet evening was about to get very weird.
Four young boys, Eddie.
That's the name of my sex tape.
Four young boys?
Not the four young boys part.
(12:06):
It's a little late on the delivery, and now people are going to clip that.
Yeah, it's going to be great.
I'm going to clip it.
This is going to be the leading clip of the show.
Do you want me to take that again?
Yes, please.
On September 12th, 1952, in the small village of Flatwoods, West Virginia,
a quiet evening was about to get very weird.
(12:26):
Four young boys.
Name of my sex tape.
God damn it.
Yes.
From the top.
Four young boys, Eddie and Freddie May, Tom Higher and Neil Nunley,
(12:50):
were playing outside Flatwoods Elementary School, doing whatever it is that they...
Whatever the 1950s version of like playing Pokemon Go was.
It's probably like Jacks or fucking...
That one thing with like the stick in the ball.
Yeah.
I don't know what they did.
The hoop. The hoop. With stick.
Like kicking the...
I don't know what they did for fun in the 1950s, but whatever that...
(13:14):
I think they were playing football.
I genuinely don't know what they were doing.
I mean, there's other stuff that they could have been doing, given that it was a self,
but let's give them the benefit of the doubt.
It was around 7 p.m., almost fully dark, when suddenly a bright red light shrieked across the night sky,
and it eventually crashed into a hillside on G. Bailey Fisher's farm in Braxton County.
Naturally, the boys joked about it being a flying saucer or the start of an alien invasion.
(13:38):
One of the boys even suggested that it might have been a meteor,
and that they should bring it to the geological society, like some sort of fucking intergalactic narc, because...
Yeah. You keep that shit. You find a meteor, you hang on to it.
That's what I'm saying.
That's your rock.
Nerd.
Yeah. Space gave you a fucking gift, and you're laughing in their face.
Exactly. Now, their curiosity peaked. The boys decided to investigate.
(14:01):
On their way, they stopped at the May family home to let Kathleen May, Eddie and Freddie's mom know
what they had just seen, and that they were about to embark on a stand-by-me-style adventure
to go poke dead alien bodies with some sticks.
Is there not a better movie in the world?
Yeah, there's way better movies.
Stand by me, I just... How dare you? Stand by me is one of the greatest films ever made.
(14:24):
Okay.
About four people looking to find a dead body.
This is basically that, but with children and a... Or I guess, stand by me is with children.
But this is that with aliens.
But Kathleen, being fucking just rad as hell, was like, oh, fuck yeah, dude. Hold up a second.
I'm coming with you. Let me get my coat, my shoes.
(14:46):
I do gotta make a phone call real quick.
Now, Sarge, who do you think she called upon hearing that her sons and their friends just witnessed
a fireball crash into a farm? Was it A, the police, B, a 17-year-old boy, or C, the Air Force?
17-year-old boy.
She called the 17-year-old boy. His name was Eugene Lemon.
(15:09):
Now, to be fair, he was a local national guardsman, but she called him to escort her
and this motley crew of boys and the family dog onto someone else's property to investigate a UFO crash.
You know why she called the national guardsman? Because no one knows what they do.
True, but also, can you be 17 and a national guardsman? Maybe in the 1950s.
Yes. The way it works is you can join the military at 17.
(15:36):
A lot of guys back in the day would forego graduating high school and just jump right in
to join the national guard or the military.
I thought you had to be 18, though. You can join, but you can't be deployed until you're 18?
Is there a cutoff? Is that what it is?
Yeah. Basically, it's kind of like when you get your driver's license, you can get your learner's permit at 15 and a half,
(15:57):
but you can't get your driver's license until you're 15.
So with the national guard, you go to basic training, but you can't do anything like deploy until you're 18.
You can't legally get shot at or murder someone until you hit—that's very cool.
All right. I didn't know that. I asked that question to Colby when we were first on here, and he was like,
I have a different time. I was like, yeah, you're probably right. I have no fucking idea.
(16:20):
Well, my great uncle lied about how old he was to get deployed to Korea and was almost immediately captured and turned into a POW.
Oh my God.
Didn't work out well for him. Poor guy.
Was he like 16?
Yeah. Basically, like back in the day, you could just tell people you were 25 and they would just be like, all right.
No checks and balances. They were just like—
(16:42):
None. Just none, honestly.
That's bananas.
So she called 17-year-old Jean Lemon, the national guardsman, escort her and the four boys and the family dog out to investigate this crash.
Now, as this ragtag team of segregation, air, paranormal investigators approached the crash site, the air changed.
(17:03):
A thick, acrid mist hung around them.
Are you okay?
Did you spit take? Did I get you? Did I get you?
You got me.
(17:25):
Yes.
I thought it was going to be me to be the first one.
No, no, you got me.
That's one of my favorite lines I've ever written and I've never written anything funnier after that.
Hold on. I need to get to the right water fountain before we leave.
(17:46):
As they approached the crash site, the air changed.
A thick, acrid mist hung around them, reportedly burning their eyes and lungs.
The group described it as smelling strongly of sulfur or burning metal, which I'm sure probably didn't put their nerves at ease at all.
No.
Now, the dog, proving to be the smartest of the group, was just like, nah, dude, I'm out.
(18:10):
That's what I would have done.
Just bailed. No, we're not doing this today.
So he ran all the way back home.
This does not smell right.
Yeah, but the rest of them, they pressed on because fucking as we see time and time again, there's no sense of self-preservation here.
And also they're committing a crime by trespassing onto this dude's property.
Anyway, so in the distance, they spotted a pulsating red light coming from what appeared to be some sort of craft.
(18:34):
They moved closer, though every step probably felt like just a bad decision.
Probably not. You know, I take that back.
They clearly were fine with it because they're just trespassing.
They don't give a fuck.
Yeah, I mean, when you think about it, it was either a craft or a moonshine still.
Well, either way, when you when you first come over the hill and you smell that and you.
(18:56):
I would have thought moonshine a meth myself.
Yeah, you smell your your eyes are burning, your lungs are burning, and then you just keep going.
Like, there's no way that they had any reservations about just seeing a craft.
No, thank you.
Yeah. So then one of the boys noticed two glowing orbs to their left.
Eugene being the only one with the flashlight shined it in that direction.
And then this is when shit got like kind of fucked.
(19:20):
So standing near a single oak tree was a 10 foot tall creature.
Its spade shaped head gleamed in the flashlight's beam and its bright glowing eyes seemed to pierce through them.
They had long claw like hands and no visible legs hovering eerily above the ground.
The May brothers claimed later it didn't seem alive, more mechanical, like a Cronenberg version of like Rosie from the Jetsons.
(19:42):
At first, the creature didn't like seem to react to the group at all.
But as soon as the flashlight beam hit it, shit got real, real fucking quick.
The creature, the creature raised its clawed arms, sprayed an oily substance toward them, which is like an intergalactic like bukkake.
Like it just fucking showered them with space jits.
(20:05):
I don't really know what it was. It just said it was some oily substance.
This got Japanese real fast.
Yeah, but it seems to be a theme for the last few episodes.
All right. Yeah, that's true.
It then unleashed a high pitched hissing sound and then began gliding towards them.
Terrified, Eugene dropped the flashlight and fell backwards out of the way.
And that was the moment that everyone finally was like, I think it's time we we skedaddle.
(20:29):
Time to go. Yeah, time to move on.
Yeah. So they sprinted back to the May home as fast as their PF flyers could carry them.
Once there. I like that good reference. You like that shit?
Yeah. Once their chaos ensued, everyone was coughing, puking, crying and covered in this strange alien cum.
Name of my sex tape.
(20:52):
The way I described it before was that you ever see that sort of family guy when they all drink the Ipikak syrup?
And they're all.
I feel like that's pretty much what was happening here. They just went from Japanese to German so fast.
Oh, yeah. I like that you just relate everything happening to porn and I kind of fuck with it.
(21:16):
Different kinds of porn. Yeah. You know, and this is why we are award winning podcasters.
My encyclopedic knowledge of disgusting things you can find on the dark web.
You were in the military, man. I'm sure you got lonely over there. You had to find.
You know, you're looking at the same thing. How many how many stepsisters caught in the dryer?
Can you really, you know, really? Yeah, it just gets to a point where it's too much.
(21:39):
Yeah.
This is going off the rails and I love it now.
So Kathleen, the mom, immediately called the sheriff's department to report what had happened.
Her voice undoubtedly shaking as she described the chaos that they had just escaped.
Now, Sheriff Robert Carr and his deputy were quick to respond, arriving alongside a local reporter from the Braxton Democrat.
(22:05):
The reporter interviewed everyone and then they went to the crash site alongside the sheriff and his deputy.
But by the time they got there, the craft, the myths, the monster, they were all gone.
All that remained was an imprint on the ground where the craft had been a lingering smell,
which is later described by one national guardsman as sharp and chemical, possibly resembling mustard gas.
And they also they also found strange skin marks leading from the oak tree to the crash location.
(22:30):
Fuck you, Sarge. I hate it.
I can't even say skin marks that you.
Oh, OK. Sorry. You're good.
Yeah, I'm a child. Yeah. So with little to go on, it seemed as if the whole incident had vanished into thin air.
And with that, the mystery deepened and the story began spreading beyond the small community.
(22:52):
I mean, that's what happens when you send a reporter along with.
Yeah. Yeah.
Well, but anyways, and by beyond, I mean like beyond because no good UFO story is complete without a visit from the men in black.
Yes, I am auditioning for men in black right now.
(23:13):
You're a shoe and Sarge.
Now, a few days later, two men in suits, believed by some to be government agents, showed up at Kathleen May's door, claiming to be reporters from a neighboring city.
They asked to see the site and investigate further.
When Kathleen brought them to the farm, they found traces of the oily residue still on the ground.
And then they just raw dog. They just were touching it with their hands and shit.
(23:36):
Of course, rubbing it on their suits.
Aliens ain't got no fingerprints.
I can't imagine that that's protocol.
They're just like, oh, what is this?
Just fucking like raw hands, bare hands, just touching all that.
There's no way that that's.
You get the oil on. You don't know what that oil is.
What are you doing?
(23:57):
Well, I mean, they're the men in black.
I mean, to be fair, they probably know better than we do about what's going on.
You get one guy who's just licking it.
It doesn't taste right.
Salty.
Kind of smells like chlorine bleach.
(24:18):
This alien clearly loves swimming pools.
Must have been eating pineapple.
Too much bleach in their laundry, that's for sure.
Back at the May house, the men asked more questions and requested a sample of the residue.
I don't know why they didn't just take it from the field.
(24:39):
They fucking fucking rubbed their hands in it.
Anyways, Kathleen, thinking quickly, offered offered them the dress that she had worn that night, which was still covered in the goo.
I don't know why you're still wearing it.
She was just cooking dinner in it.
The men took the dress, thanked her, and then casually as they were leaving, we're just like, oh, by the way, we're not reporters.
We work for the Pentagon.
(25:01):
Don't tell anyone about this. Cool. You cool.
All right, cool. See you. We'll get the dress back to you as soon as possible.
She never got the dress back.
Of course not.
In the aftermath of the incident, the May family and the boys became the focus of local and national media attention.
Reporters from across the country descended on Flatwoods, eager to hear their story.
(25:22):
While some treated them with respect and genuine curiosity, as we've seen time and time again, others dismissed their accounts as hysteria or like an elaborate hoax.
The small town of Flatwoods found itself split between believers and skeptics, with the incident becoming the hottest topic of conversation in months.
Again, not much happens there, so I could see how this obviously would be that.
Now, I'd be talking about it all day every day.
(25:45):
Oh, consistently. Even if I didn't know who these people were, which I mean, you probably do because it's a tiny town, I'd be talking shit constantly.
Yeah.
You fucking hear what these clowns down there are saying? Also, it's 1950. Like, it's hard to believe what was happening there. You know what I mean?
No, they're like, it was either communists or aliens, and we don't like either one.
(26:07):
Nothing has changed.
No, it's pretty much the same. Yeah.
Now, the witness accounts were investigated by notable UFO researcher Gray Barker, who we've mentioned on the show several times.
He played a key role in bringing national attention to the story. Additionally, the U.S. Air Force became involved in Project Blue Book, which was actively investigating UFO sightings during the 1950s.
(26:30):
Military investigators visited the area to examine the site and interview witnesses.
Though their findings were never fully disclosed, their presence did help solidify the story's connection to UFO phenomena and place the Flatwoods monster among the iconic Cold War era mysteries that they were all investigating at the time.
The boys, particularly Ed and Fred, faced teasing and ridicule from classmates and neighbors who doubted their story. Kathleen May, however, stood firm, often retelling the events in vivid detail and defending her sons against critics.
(27:03):
The lingering health effects from the encounter, like the coughing, the nausea, the irritation from the mysterious mist, it was a concern for a while, though they did gradually subside.
Like, we kind of glossed over that. Like, they were all that shit. Like, the Ipikak thing. Like, yeah, yeah, that was a consistent thing for a little while.
But over time, I mean, they're they just kind of got over it.
(27:27):
It became a funny story. Like that time I had to do the tear gas and basic training at the moment. I thought I was going to die. But like 10 minutes after I was like, can we go again?
It's fun. How bad does that suck? I can't imagine it's great.
It sucks because you're trapped in a room with iron doors and the doors are locked in the drill sergeants who aren't wearing masks because they're barely human anyway.
(27:52):
Making you say stuff before you can leave. But when you breathe in, your lungs immediately reject everything that happened and spit it back out.
OK, so you really can't breathe. Yeah. And your eyes start watering and it almost feels like on the on the more sensitive skin on your body, like the back of your neck and like the inside of your forearm.
(28:13):
It feels like a sunburn. And then you run outside into the fresh air and you've just all of your mucus membranes open at once and everything kind of spills out of you.
And you literally have to flap your arms to get it out of your lungs. Really?
Yeah. Like when you when you open your your arms up, like your lungs kind of expand and then it's like a bellows.
(28:36):
You're just kind of like trying to crank it out. But what's funny is when you're done, it's actually.
Because, you know, it's not it. The police weren't shooting it at me while I was protesting.
I was in basic training and everyone else was doing it, too. So it became fun. And then I went through again.
I mean, you could smell so good after it clears everything up. Oh, yeah.
(29:01):
Yeah. Your sinuses are crystal clear.
Fucking Nettie Pot, dude. Just tear gas me, bro. Tear gas. I don't even so good.
Fuck the Geneva Convention. Put that shit right in my face.
And the worst part is like it was only maybe 10 percent of what like is actually in a tear gas grenade.
So it really wasn't that bad. But I was also in an enclosed room. So I think that's why that's because they opened a whole one.
(29:26):
We just die. OK, military's fun, kids. You should join.
Yeah. So yes, like I said, so so it was a concern for a bit.
They subsided, but they even found there was even reports of unusual metal fragments found at the site that they were never conclusively analyzed.
Skeptics proposed various mundane explanations for the sighting. The quote unquote monster was suggested to be nothing more than a barn owl perched on a tree branch.
(29:55):
And the glowing eyes were attributed to the reflective quality of its eye shine.
The red light in the sky was believed to be a meteor.
And the mist could have been natural gas or another environmental anomaly, which. All right.
So it's this I'm not saying they're right. OK, what I'm saying is that this is a town near a mining place.
(30:16):
You know, I mean, like gas is escaping from the ground could be.
I don't know if Flatwoods specifically had mines in it. I probably should have looked that up.
Probably. West Virginia is full of mines.
All I'm saying is that this is a bullshit explanation, but I could see where they might come to that conclusion that it might be an environmental anomaly because of mines.
(30:39):
Yeah. Anyways, despite these theories, the uniformity of the witnesses descriptions gave pause to skeptics and believers alike.
Now, additional sightings around the same time added even more fuel to the fire, expanding the legend of the Flatwoods monster.
Mrs. Audra Harper reported seeing a similar creature near the town of Heaters, about five miles north of Flatwoods.
(31:03):
And this was this the sighting happened, I think, like if it's the same day, but like earlier in the day or something like that.
Now, while walking through the woods, she noticed a ball of fire glowing on a nearby hill, which dissipate, which disappeared and revealed a tall man shaped figure.
Terrified Harper and her friend flood the area.
(31:26):
Another sighting took place the night after the Flatwoods incident, this time near Strange Creek, where George and Edith Snitowski, driving with her infant son, experienced a sulfuric stench and saw a bright light.
Then a reptilian 10 foot creature appeared, scraping its claws across the car hood while vanishing into the woods.
(31:49):
Now, the thing about this one is that what they described was basically the Flatwoods monster, but without like the head on it.
Does that make sense? Like almost like the like the the spade shaped thing around like on the Flatwoods monster and like they said the eyes looked like portholes like it was almost like a mask, like a mask.
OK, OK. What they're describing is pretty much the Flatwoods monster, but without its helmet on, maybe. You know, I mean, Jesus.
(32:17):
Yeah. George Snitowski, he told his story to a magazine called Mail Magazine, which sounds like a porn mag.
But I looked it up and it's like one of those like men's adventure pulp magazines that were big in the time.
You got it. One of those adventure type things.
(32:39):
I looked it up. The covers were fucking rad.
Was it like a guy in a trench coat with a revolver like pointing it while holding like a scantily clad woman?
No, it kind of looks like they kind of look it looks like the artwork from like you're seeing like the Robinson Caruso, like just like a guy like in a loincloth.
Oh, OK. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's like that type fighting off a bear or something.
(33:00):
Yeah, it's like that kind of stuff. It's pretty cool. Got it.
But yeah, so their story added another chapter to the eerie mystery of Braxton County in the years following the Flatwoods incident.
The region experienced a surge in UFO sightings and interest from enthusiasts, reporters, investigators and UFO enthusiasts flocked to Braxton County, keeping the story alive and fueling new discussions.
Now, while no additional counters with the Flatwoods monster were officially reported, the area's mysterious reputation grew, placing it at the heart of unexplained phenomena discussions.
(33:32):
Now, despite skepticism and controversy, the event became a cornerstone of American cryptid lore, captivating believers and sparking curiosity worldwide.
The story of the Flatwoods monster spread like wildfire, putting the tiny town of Flatwoods on the map.
Tourists began flocking to the area and the creature, nicknamed Braxie by the locals, became a regional icon.
The town celebrates the legend with an annual festival complete with theme parades and alien inspired food trucks.
(33:58):
Visitors could stop by the Flatwoods Monster Museum to see artifacts, artwork and memorabilia dedicated to the sightings.
I gotta go to this town. Yeah, it seems pretty rad.
Now, Braxie's influence extends far beyond Flatwoods.
It's haunting otherworldly design has inspired filmmakers, comic book creators and game designers worldwide.
Movies have reimagined Braxie as a terrifying alien invader, while video games like The Legend of Zelda Majora's Mask and Fallout 76 immortalized it as a cryptid stalking the Appalachian wilderness.
(34:27):
Even internationally, the Flatwoods Monster has become a symbol of the unexplained.
It's been it's in that new anime on I think Netflix or Hulu called like Dundadundundun or some shit like that.
It's reimagined like a sumo wrestler. It's pretty cool.
And it's also it's decided it's so entrenched in like the UFO lore that like it comes up when people are mentioning like Roswell or Area 51, shit like that.
(34:52):
It's also been connected to the Hopkinsville Goblins like that happened around the same time.
Really? Yeah. So it's kind of cool.
Let's see this one little one off thing just became like a whole fucking it inspired so many people.
Now, today, like I said, you can find museums, you can find themed ice cream shops and even giant chairs in its honor.
Yeah, Flatwoods has a bunch of big old fucking like Adirondack chairs that are shaped.
(35:17):
It floats. It doesn't need to sit down.
It's not for it. It's just for you.
It just looks like the Flatwoods Monster.
Oh, OK. OK. I got confused. I was like, why would it like it was an offering?
Like, please come back. We have chairs now.
Please can be. We've conveniently placed chairs for your seed and pleasure Flatwoods Monster.
(35:41):
Yeah. Like I said, it's been reinterpreted, reinterpreted.
What the fuck? Reinterpreted, reinterpreted. Thank you.
You're welcome. It's so many different.
That's why I'm wearing the top hat.
Now, though the May brothers have said they wish they could forget the whole incident, the legend of the Flatwoods Monster lives on.
(36:04):
And how could it? That's like not every day that you get chased by a spade headed jizzing alien robot.
So I understand why they'd want to forget. But Sarge, that is the story of the Flatwoods Monster.
How are you feeling? I want a Flatwoods Monster t-shirt.
If any of our fans live in West Virginia, just let me know how much.
I think we can make that work. I think we can figure something out.
That would make me so happy. It sounds it sounds hilariously awesome.
(36:29):
And while you were talking, you would mention that somebody thought it might be a barn owl.
Yeah. And that reminded me of something I was looking up when I had that weird cryptid like noise in my backyard.
I was looking up different kinds of owls.
And there's actually a belief amongst folk folklorists that barn owls were kind of the nexus for a lot of ghost stories of colonists back in the day, because they do look like fucking aliens.
(37:01):
They look terrifying. Well, that's also the thing is like the barn owl.
They they bring it up on like the grays like. Yep.
You're seeing your CD. What was that Mila Jovovich movie? The fourth kind.
Fifth Element? No, the fourth kind. Fourth kind.
Have you not seen it? Remember that one? No, dude.
That was like my Blair Witch. It was what it was.
(37:24):
All right. Well, the Blair Witch was my Blair Witch, but it was like I knew the Blair Witch was a movie and not really found footage.
But the way they marketed the fourth kind is that it's based off true events.
It's like a retelling with like, oh, yes, I remember.
I remember this. I don't remember the story, but I remember the marketing campaign.
Yeah. I mean, it wasn't none of it was real. But fuck, dude.
(37:45):
That movie fucked me up. I hate owls now because of it.
I mean, whenever people go to like the regressive like hypnosis thing, they would say they saw an owl in their window.
But if you look at an owl, it looks like a gray alien.
And so that's what they. Yeah. So, I mean, that makes sense to me that ghosts or aliens could be just people holding a torch with flames and the flames and shadows and shit bouncing around the forest.
(38:12):
And then you see a barn owl. I mean, I would shit myself immediately.
You know, this thing's a terrifying to look at. Not great. It's all bad. No.
All right. So how do you feel with the Flatwoods monster? How are we doing? I love it. I love it.
This is right up there with the Sacramento Pants for me. Yeah, I love the Flatwoods monster.
Yeah, it just makes me happy. Yeah. Fucking nice green metallic dress on fucking thick as fuck.
(38:34):
She knows how to party. She knows how to party. She knows what she's doing.
All those little country boys. She's just looking for a boyfriend. That's got to be it.
So that was that's what this is what I decided to do for a two year universe.
I wanted to see if I could make the script better, make the episode not better, but different.
I think I think we we I think you succeeded that we did it.
(38:58):
It's also a story you never heard. And maybe, you know, maybe listeners of the show that are new didn't hear the original one.
And maybe they'll hear this and they'll want to compare and contrast to see how much I fucked up and how much I kept the same. So it's fine.
But yeah. All right, Sarge. That's it. Happy to your anniversary. Happy to your anniversary.
And happy anniversary to all the fans who've been listening for that.
(39:21):
Yeah, thank you guys. This is really all all because of you.
You know, in a way, we really appreciate it. Thank you for listening to us.
It's been two years. God damn, dude. What am I doing my life? Yeah, I don't know, but I love it. It's great.
All right, Sarge, that out of the way. Is there anything you want to plug in? Yeah, I want to thank Narragansett Beer for being a part of the family.
(39:46):
Cam from Narragansett. I love you. Thank you.
Also, a good friend of mine, Scott, reached out. He's listening to the show. Scott, appreciate you listening, buddy.
I won't give out his last name in case he's trying to remain under the radar.
Thank you to my dog for perpetually finding sweet toys right when I'm talking.
Buy the coloring book, SagesSuperNormal.com.
(40:11):
It's nine ninety nine, but there's a lot of pages and there's a lot of shit for you to do.
And, you know, if you feel a little anxiety about the way the world's going right now, this comic book will help a little bit.
A little bit. Yeah. What else? I don't know.
But real quick, it's not this isn't really the thing of the segment, but I got a nice message from a another podcast called Good Beer, Bad Movie Night.
(40:37):
And so I think this calls for maybe, you know, fuck it, let's do it.
I love it. I love it.
Yeah, they just they just send a nice message.
I don't think they've gotten to where you come on the show yet, maybe. But they just say, oh, they they they start from the beginning.
(41:00):
Crazy choice. You got two years to go there. But they just said you and your guests plural.
So I'm assuming they haven't gotten to where you're a consistent one. But it says you and your guests are.
I hope they don't let them down. You and your guests are a hoot.
I'm still catching up and listening to episode 51 at the moment. One day I'll hear you in real time.
Well, hopefully you catch up eventually. They're half hour episodes. I feel like it's easy to catch up.
(41:25):
Yeah, you can do it eventually. Yeah. But yeah, Good Beer, Bad Movie Night.
Thank you guys for listening. I really appreciate it.
Again, go listen to my episodes plural with the spooky shed.
You can I'll put a link to where you can find those episode in the episode descriptions.
And we've got a Patreon. We've got two tiers. If you just want a fucking vibe, hang out.
(41:51):
You don't really care about bells and whistles. Just want to support us. We got a tier that's three dollars a month.
If you want unedited video episodes, which are we started last week with Jeremy, that's going to be like four a month.
That's a good deal. Yeah, that's going to be so that's that's the second tier, which is seven dollars a month.
We'll throw in some extra bonus content whenever me and Sarge or one of us decides to just do it randomly.
(42:18):
We'll throw that up there. But yeah, five, three dollars, seven dollars a month.
It's whatever, whatever you want to do. I don't really care.
But if you want to support and if you don't want to pay anything to support the show,
you can also just leave us a rating and review on either Spotify, Apple, wherever you can.
Just it's it's awesome. And I think that's it for me.
(42:41):
Sarge, do you want to say goodbye and I love you to the audience? Goodbye. And I love you.
(43:11):
Thank you.
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