February 9, 2025 • 35 mins
Welcome back to another episode of Cryptid Cocktail Party! This week we dive into religion, specifically, Mormonism. We give a crash course on the founding and beginnings of the LDS, their beliefs on the Garden of Eden, Cain and Abel, and how Cain may or may not have been cursed by God to roam the Earth as...Bigfoot. Enjoy!
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Episode Transcript
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(00:00):
Hey everybody!
(00:25):
Welcome back to another episode of Crypto Cocktail Party Show where we have a few drinks,
a few laughs, take a dive into the unknown.
I'm your host Dave, joined as always by my wonderful co-host Sarge.
How's it going handsome?
Oh, I'm great.
I'm great.
There's snow everywhere and I feel like shit.
Let's let's talk about animals that aren't real.
OK, maybe it might be real.
(00:47):
They could be real.
Because it's well, we'll see.
You just don't know.
Yeah, but I'm sorry you're sick still.
You look good, though.
You don't look miserable.
You don't look as miserable as you sound because you sound like hell.
Oh, yeah.
No, I've taken a lot of drugs.
Hell, yeah, dude.
Fucking you're ready to party is what you're saying.
(01:07):
Yeah, I've got Sudafed, Daquil, Ibuprofen.
I'm ready to fucking roll.
Now, that's a cocktail vibe, everyone.
All right.
Well, again, sorry you're sick.
Yeah, I don't know.
I got nothing going on.
I got glasses.
I look like I should be drinking IPA.
(01:27):
They look good.
They look good.
Don't patronize me.
This is an IPA podcast now.
It looks so fucking good.
Just going to tell the long, detailed story of the birth of an IPA.
So what made you come up with Juice Newton?
I look insufferable.
(01:48):
Like no one wants to talk to me.
No, I think you picked the right style.
I think you picked the right style for your face.
Those look good.
I wouldn't lie to you.
If they didn't look good, I'd be like, you look different.
That's a new look.
It's just no one warned me that when you get glasses.
I mean, obviously, I knew I was going to get used to them,
like seeing through them, because I'm looking through a pane of glass now.
(02:11):
But no one told me about it.
Everything looks like a funhouse mirror, like until my brain figures it out.
Like, dude, when I first put them on, thank God I wasn't driving.
My wife took me to go get the glasses.
And I was in the passenger seat driving home wearing them.
Dude, I almost thought I thought I was going to throw up.
I thought I had like vertigo.
Like, he's like giving me like a panic attack.
(02:33):
It's pretty bad.
It's not cool.
The first time I got glasses, I looked down and I and I was like immediately
freaked out because it looked like I was so much taller than I am.
Oh, yeah, I do. My depth perception is fucked right now.
Like I go to reach for something and I'm like, am I touching it?
Am I close? I don't know.
It's you'll get used to it.
It takes a little while, but it takes like a week or so.
(02:55):
And then you're used to it.
Pretty much my advice for anyone out there, if you're thinking about getting
glasses, don't. It sucks.
Yeah, just stay blind.
Stay blind.
Dude, I did.
I can like see in like 4K now.
It's wild, dude.
Like, is this what everybody else has been seeing this whole time?
Dude, I had them on and I took them off for a minute and I was like, fuck, dude, like
(03:21):
I really see anything.
I should not like I can see sound.
Like my eyesight is so good that I can like taste food better.
Like all my other senses like
it's fucking wild.
See the sound, the sound waves vibrating off of things.
Oh, yeah, dude. It's bananas.
Like everything is. Yeah.
(03:41):
All right, Sarge, I know you're sick.
I'm not going to keep you.
I think we have a pretty good episode.
I you kind of have an idea of what we're talking about, but you don't know.
I'm very excited.
You don't know the full scope of what we're about to talk about.
I'm so excited.
All right, so this week, we're going to be doing something a little bit different.
We're going to be talking religion, specifically Mormonism.
(04:02):
Bring on the funny underwear.
I just want to say up top that we are not religious by any stretch of the imagination,
but we also aren't here to yuck anybody's yum.
You know, if you're Mormon, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, whatever, that's awesome.
Whatever you need to believe to make you the best version of you.
I'm all for it.
Just as long as you're not hurting anyone, believe what you want to believe. But
(04:25):
with that out of the way, we will be dragging the hell out of Mormonism
because I personally don't trust a religion that was founded
50 years out from the invention of the car. So that's.
Yes. Yes.
And you know, things aren't great
when the founder of your religion is tarred and feathered
for banging everybody's life.
(04:46):
It's true fact. You can look it up.
It's dude. Yeah.
We're not going to dive too much into Joseph Smith.
He will get into a little bit about it.
Idiot. Yeah. So and a liar.
I'm sure most, if not all of you listening, are familiar with Mormonism
in one way or another.
But if not, let's just do a quick crash course of the Mormon faith.
(05:09):
All right. So officially known as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day
Saints or LDS, if you're nasty, it was founded in the 19th century
by known con man, fraudster and literal convicted traitor.
Joseph Smith.
Smith claimed that he received divine revelations
and some golden plates by an angel named Moroni.
(05:30):
Moroni Moroni Moroni sounds funny.
Oh, no, I think it's Moroni.
Moroni sounds like a like a Dick Tracy villain.
Hey, it's Moroni. I got these gold tablets here.
You want to put them in your head? Take a look at them.
Hi, hey, he's a he's a nice tablets you got here.
Be ashamed if something happened to him.
(05:51):
Now, Smith took these gold tablets and used them to translate the Book of Mormon.
Now, Mormonism, in some aspects, is the same as any other branch of Christianity
in the sense that there's a God, Jesus having help that sort of stuff.
But it also deviates we'll wildly from mainstream Christianity as any good cult
does. For instance, like bare bones, boilerplate, milk toast Christianity primarily relies on the
(06:16):
Bible for all of its teachings, whereas Mormonism includes additional scriptures like Doctrine of
Covenants and Pearl of Great Price, which expands upon or sometimes just straight up reinterpret,
reinterpret, reinterprets traditional narratives. Other ways it branches off of mainstream
Christianity is that it teaches that humans existed in a pre-mortal state, meaning like we're kind of
(06:41):
like little soul babies just kind of floating around before we get into a human body. It's
kind of like that Scientology thing with like Thetans or whatever the fuck. Yes. Yeah, it's
kind of like that. But yeah, so basically before we come to earth in a human body, we're just a little
soul sperm, if that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, just getting penetrated by soul sperm. Yeah. They also
(07:04):
believe that God has a physical body. He's not just like a fucking, he's not everywhere, I guess.
I don't really know, but he, but he, you know, he's a dude. He's just a guy. He's a chill guy.
He's just a bro. Yeah. He's just chilling out. He's just like the rest of us. Yeah. And they,
they also believe that the most faithful of the faithful can achieve godhood in the afterlife,
(07:26):
which I mean, that's pretty fucking gnarly. And given the chance, I would be the hell out of that
power. I would like, I would so abuse that. Oh God, it'd be so bad. Yeah. Yeah. I would, I would,
what I would do is if I attained godhood in the afterlife, if I was Mormon, what I would do is I
would talk to people, like just random people so that they seem crazy on the street. Like I
(07:47):
wouldn't tell them. Oh yeah. You know what I mean? Like I wouldn't tell them I was like a god. I
would just do, they just fuck with people hardcore. I'd be like, everyone knows you're masturbating.
At least wash your hands after you're savage.
Just wait for someone to start touching themselves and be like, Hey, cut it out.
(08:10):
But, but one thing about the Mormon beliefs that I don't think many people know about is that the
LDS church has developed, developed a unique, I guess you could call it interpretation of
biblical geography. Oh yeah. And this is where our episode can kind of sort of began. So most,
if not all key events in the Bible take place in the middle East, right? Every, you know,
(08:33):
like most religious country. Yeah. Most religious traditions put the garden of Eden, for example,
somewhere near Mesopotamia, which is now modern day Iraq. Yeah, I've been there. There's, there's
really not a lot of green space there. Well, maybe Mormonism is for you because our boy Joseph Smith,
he doesn't ascribe to that theory. Smith claims that the true location of the garden of Eden,
(08:56):
the birthplace of humanity is actually located in Jackson County, Missouri.
I've been to Missouri. It is like the meth capital of the world. I find it very hard to
believe that that is the cradle of civilization. Oh no. Yeah. I know it was.
Do you, why would you doubt this? Because I, I feel like, uh, Adam and Eve were not messed out all the time.
(09:25):
It would explain the incest for sure. No.
No. So yeah. So the garden of Eden, you guys might recognize that as
the paradise on earth that God created for Adam and Eve before being cast out for eating some fruit.
And the Mormons also believe this, but just like the 1958 classic by Hank Ballard and the Midnighters,
(09:51):
the Mormons do a twist. I was proud of that one. Brilliant. Now in Mormon theology,
the story of Adam and Eve is basically the same story with some big key differences. For one,
Adam was actually Michael the Archangel. Now this is kind of goes back to the soul babies thing. So
(10:14):
there's a lot going on here. This is a complicated tale.
Now they also believe that Adam and Eve being kicked out of Eden, it wasn't really like that big of a deal
in that their fall from grace was like a necessary step in God's plan because Adam and Eve decided to
pretty much spit in God's face. Humanity was now able to experience mortality. They could have kids,
but not before marriage, of course, and they could progress towards exaltation in the afterlife.
(10:40):
But even though this whole thing isn't seen as a sin in the eyes of the Mormons,
Adam and Eve were still kicked out of Eden and part of their punishment was to set up the first
human civilization. Now that settlement, the cradle of humanity, the birthplace of all to come and all
that ever will be is known as Adam on the Ammon. So it is at this site that Adam met his children
(11:03):
and bestowed his blessings three years before his death. And according to Smith, this is also where
the second coming of Jesus Christ will take place. Now, where do you think this sacred Mormon Mecca
might be located, Sarge? I mean, I don't know, Arrowhead Stadium?
Well, it's about five miles south of Jameson and Davies County, Missouri.
(11:23):
Ah, that would explain the 3000 acres they own there.
Yeah, so they they did. They they they do own a lot of land. I didn't really. I guess Mormons,
they were big in Missouri for a while. And then there was a literal war to fucking kick them out.
They were kicked out. Yeah. And then they moved to Utah and then they started killing a lot of
(11:44):
people just for no reason. Yeah. Well, no, I guess they went to Illinois after they've been everywhere.
They're like, yeah, yeah, no one wants to warm. It's like the Johnny Cash song. I've been everywhere,
man, because no one wants me here because of my weird underwear. I believe that's how the rest of
the song goes pretty close, I think. Now, I know those of you listening who saw the episode title
(12:07):
are probably like, fuck, dude, just get to the good part already. And Sarge, you're probably
thinking the same thing because you don't know. You don't actually know, like the points that I'm
trying to get to by talking about all this. I don't. I was not aware of any of this. Well,
here it is. So you know the story of Cain and Abel, right? Yes. Of course. Pretty well known
story. Famous brothers. Yeah. In a nutshell, the story goes like this. Cain and Abel, the sons of
(12:30):
Adam and Eve, they each made offerings to God. Abel being a shepherd sacrificed a lamb. Cain was
a farmer, so he presented God with some crops. For some reason, God, probably because he's a
bloodthirsty psychopath and loves violence, he favored Abel's offering. He worshiped his son
with a cannibalism ritual. So yeah, he favored Abel's offering over Cain's. Now, Cain didn't
(12:54):
really like that outcome, so he decided the best way to remedy the situation was to violently face
fuck his brother with a big rock. Yeah, fair enough. Now, the first murder. Yeah. So turns out God only
likes bloodshed when it's done in his name. So as a punishment for committing the world's first
murder, he cursed Cain, marking him so that no one could kill him and condemning him to wander
(13:17):
the earth for eternity. Now, the quote unquote mark of Cain has been up for debate for as long
as this story has existed, which is like millennia. Some interpretations suggest it was some sort of
physical feature, like a deformity or a birthmark type deal. Others say it was like a divine aura,
like dude's vibe just changed, so no one could kill him or something like that. Okay. So he's
(13:39):
a Highlander now. Pretty much, but some think he was transformed into a seven to 10 foot tall,
hair covered humanoid, better known today as Andre the Giant. Bigfoot. Oh, damn.
That's a fucking twist I was not ready for.
(14:00):
Are you familiar with that at all? No, that's amazing.
Yeah. This isn't true for all Mormons. And for the most part, this is kind of Mormon folklore,
but among some LDS members, this is what they think happened to Cain. Oh my God. This makes
my fucking day. Just when I think those fuckers can't get more silly, they get more silly. Oh,
(14:26):
yeah, I do. This is, this is next level shit. Now, why do they think this? I'm sure it's
probably what's on your mind right now, because that's a huge leap to make from being cursed by
God to being fucking Bigfoot. Well, it all comes down to a man named David W. Patton,
an early apostle of the LDS church who described an encounter he had with Cain in 1835 that was
(14:51):
later published in Spencer W. Kimball's book, The Miracle of Forgiveness. Now about five years
ago, David said, quote, as I was riding along the road on my mule, I suddenly noticed a very strange
personage walking beside me. His head was about even with my shoulder as I sat on my saddle. He
wore no clothing, but covered in hair. His skin was very dark. I asked him where he dwelt and he
(15:17):
replied that he had no home, that he was a wanderer in the earth and traveled to and fro. He said he
was a very miserable creature, that he had earnestly sought death during his sojourn upon the
earth, but that he could not die and his mission was to destroy the souls of men, end quote.
Oh, it's a lot of exposition for just just like a simple meeting. Well, I mean, yeah, but then
(15:41):
it goes on to say that once Cain spoke those words to him, he, David rebuked him in the name
of Jesus Christ, and then he just went back into the forest. Right. So, he was a very
miserable creature. He was a very miserable creature. He was a very miserable creature.
And I mean, I think it's a lot of people who have been like, oh, I'm going to be in the forest or
(16:02):
like disappear or some shit like that. I mean, I would have done the exact same thing. Like if
I'm walking down the street and some dudes like I rebuke you in the name of Christ, they'd be like,
all right, I'm going to walk away from you. But I mean, you could easily see how that can be fucking
quicker. Yeah, no, that's that's that's that's big. But that that doesn't mean it's big foot,
you know? I mean, at that point, if you're that tall, everybody's got big feet when you're that
(16:27):
tall, naked and covered in hair. He could have been Albanian. You don't know. Sure. Sounds like
he could have been Italian. Fucking Greek. It could have been Morona Moroni. Hey, fuck.
Moroni over here. Walk it over here. Get your people out of the way. I thought about I thought
about death. I thought about death. I can't die. I can't fucking die. Come here with your donkey.
(16:52):
You fucking think you know everything. Get out of here. Get back on the train or whatever they
fucking have in New York. I don't got no home. I wander. All right. Fuck. Leave me alone.
I killed my brother. I gave God some nice arugula. He said, fuck you. So I killed my brother. What
(17:15):
are you going to do? What are you going to do about it? I'm a fucking bastard. I said,
oh, the rock. What are you going to do? It was a nice rock.
Fuck that. I grabbed my nicest rock. I got blood on my rock. Hey,
I got blood on my tracksuit. This is the law. The fuck you want to know is what would gangsters
(17:42):
have worn before Jesus died because they don't have the they can't wear the cross. You know,
star David. Oh yeah. You're right. Yeah. Yeah. I forgot. Yeah.
But on the thinnest of gold chains. Yes. Yeah. I know it has to be a really thin gold chain. Yeah.
That's opulence right there. Yeah. Reading all this back after writing the script, I realized
(18:04):
this is a goofy religion. Yeah. It really is the silliest shit on earth. Like, I want to try and
take it seriously, but I don't trust anyone who doesn't drink caffeine. Like you don't drink
alcohol. That's fair. I get it. It's, it's not for everybody, but caffeine, come on, what the fuck is
wrong with you? What's weird is that like when I was reading about Mormonism and like writing this
(18:25):
all out and stuff like that, like it didn't seem that weird in the moment. I mean, it's weird, but
like, yeah, I think it's, I think all religions are a little weird. I think I had to say all of this
out loud. So like really hear myself and be like, wow, all right, cool. That's why when Mormons,
like they, when they ambush you in a parking lot, they try to give you a book because they say it
(18:48):
out loud. It's going to sound real dumb. It's very true. Yeah. They kind of beat around the
bush when they come to your door. You know what I mean? You have to figure out. I do have a funny
story about Mormons. Hey fucker, we got time. Let's go for it. This is brave. This is brave of them. So
I went to the, to the local liquor store and I came out with, with some beer and I got my car
(19:14):
and I just about to start my car and this squirrely little guy in his sidekick,
wearing a short sleeve white t-shirt with a black tie and a little name tag. Yeah. Knocked on my
window. Ooh, that's wild. And I'm like, bold choice, bold choice, this close to Boston that
(19:35):
you're going to knock on the window of a car in a parking lot and not expect to get murdered. But
also a liquor store parking, like a, like a packy parking lot. Like that's even worse. Like, like
that's where you get robbed. My favorite thing though, my favorite thing about the entire
encounter is with my window up, he like kind of leaned down and was like, would you like to come
to church with us? And I didn't even respond. I just backed out of the parking lot and drove away.
(20:03):
Like I looked at him and then I looked at my rear view, like dashed my rear view camera and just
backed out. Yeah, dude. Like fucking that's bold. I've got a 12 pack of beer in the back of my car.
I'm not going to join your weird fucking religion where I can't drink it. Yeah. Right. That's a weird
place to convert people. I feel like AA meetings are like, like a, like a, like that's where you
(20:26):
kind of convert people when they're looking for guidance, not someone who is actively in the midst
of trying to get blackout. Right. But I'm also like a fucking combat veteran. Like don't knock on my
window. That won't always end well for you. Well, they didn't know that it's not like it's a secret.
I've got a veteran sticker in the back of my car, but does it say you had to walk by it to knock on
my window? But does the sticker say don't knock on my window? I'm a combat veteran. I will murder you.
(20:50):
I'm going to get that sticker. Dear Mormons, knock at your own peril. Okay. You'll wish you were
tired and feathered. You little twerp. I could have folded that kid up and put them in my pocket. I
was so angry. He's, he's just doing his best, man. Yeah, no, he didn't know. That's why I didn't kill
(21:12):
him. He didn't know any better. That's fair. But I wanted to beat him to death, but I'm like, you know
what? He's clearly not from here. This is a very different environment from Salt Lake City. But anyways,
back to, back to, sorry about that. Back to Mormon. And to those two Mormon kids, if you happen to
stumble upon this podcast, thank you for leaving the church. Cause that's the only way you're
(21:33):
listening to this if you left the church. Back to Mormon Bigfoot. How are we feeling so far? So we
have Cain, Cain got cursed by God. God turned up into Bigfoot. This makes me so fucking happy. And then
an early, uh, apostle from the church had an encounter with Cain where he describes him as
Bigfoot. How are you, you feeling good about this so far? It makes my day. I also learned that. So
(21:57):
this dude, this dude, Patton or whatever, the guy who had this encounter with Cain, AKA Bigfoot,
I learned that his Patton's mom was baptized into the Mormon church by Brigham Young, that guy, that
guy, whoever fucking, yeah. So it's pretty crazy. He's got, he's got a strong vintage there. Yeah.
(22:19):
So, so Patton's claims, uh, they spread throughout the Mormon communities. And then later as stories
of Bigfoot started becoming more prevalent, not just like in the Pacific, North or the West,
but all over the country, uh, specifically there were some pretty big deal, like sightings in Utah.
Um, I guess. And so it was a pretty easy jump for some Mormon people to like connect the two figures.
(22:43):
Now, some believers, Mormon and non-Mormon alike, even suggest that Bigfoot's abilities, things like
telepathy, interdimensional travel, and his supernatural elusiveness. And being blurry all
the time when people try to take pictures of him. Yeah, this all could be linked to Cain's like divine
punishment, reinforcing the idea that he was cursed beyond just physical wandering. And
(23:07):
we'll get into it after I was about to complain for a minute.
So pretty much to sum it all up, if you believe this theory, that means that every time someone
spots a Bigfoot, they aren't just seeing a cryptid or some unknown species of like species of ape.
They are literally witnessing a biblical figure cursed by fucking God himself. And not going to
(23:33):
lie, that's pretty fucking rad. That's kind of mind blowing. That's kind of mind blowing.
That's kind of how I feel every time I see, uh, Joel Olsteen
cursed to walk the earth with that giant creepy fucking conjuring smile. He's got, yeah. But
(23:53):
anyways, so there you have it, Sarge. This is literally what this boils down to is this is
the most roundabout way for me to tell you that I learned from watching a TikTok that Cain is
actually Bigfoot. I just needed to tell someone about it. Thank God. Thank God. TikTok came back
because this makes me so happy. Yeah. So I was like, fuck dude. I learned about this and I was
(24:16):
like, I have to do it. But if just telling you this little Bigfoot section is in a full episode.
So I was like, I'll throw in some other Mormon shit. This is just a way for me to talk to you
about this. It's so, they're just so goddamn weird. I had a, I had a roommate in basic training.
It's a long story for those of you wondering why I had a roommate. There wasn't a lot of space for
(24:38):
us. So I couldn't sleep in the bays. So four of us got stuck in this little room. Anyway,
my roommate, the kid who slept in the bunk above me was Mormon. And I, I was curious. I wanted to
learn more about the Mormon faith. And after about 20 minutes of him talking, I was like, oh, this is
all bullshit. This is all silly. None of this is real. Oh yeah. He was a nice kid. He was weird as
(25:01):
fuck though. And his Mormonism did not help him. Like he was already a weird guy. And then he
started talking about his religion. And I was like, well, to be fair, any religion that was founded
after the invention of the plane, I can take it or leave it. Not great. Not great. If you,
there's a great show called American primeval on Netflix. Yeah. And it does a, I mean, it's
(25:28):
obviously a dramatization, so it's a little over the top, but it does a pretty good explanation
of the Mormon massacres out in Utah. Yeah. There's also, um, murder among the Mormons is
another good documentary as well. Like, Oh, that one's really good too. Yeah. Yeah.
It's fucking scary, dude. You, you did it. They are terrifying people. You did your episode on
(25:49):
gang stalking and you did not bring up the Mormons enough when it comes to that kind of
shit. People try to leave the church. They get gang stalks. Like this is like, this is like real
gang stalking. Not like people believing that. Well, the same shit happens with, um, Scientology
with Jehovah witnesses in Scientology. It's because hear me out. It's because they're not
a religion. They are. Yes. Stay with me now. Occult. Yes. That's why anytime your religion
(26:13):
stalks you after you leave it, it's not a religion. You're, you're, you're an occult and it's
dangerous. Yeah. So maybe let's not do that anymore. But again, if you're scared to leave your
religion, you are an occult. Yeah. If there's like real diabolical consequences for you deciding,
Hey, maybe this isn't for me. Like even the Amish have rum spring out. Like they don't give a fuck.
(26:37):
Like, Hey, if this is for you, this is for you. If it's not, it's not like it's fine. Yeah. Go out,
get wasted, fuck people. And if you don't, don't like it, come on back and hang out. That's something
I can get behind. Yeah. Let your kids run wild for a little bit. Maybe, maybe it'll get out of their
system and be like, you know what? I do want to churn my own butter. I mean, I do, but not in front
(26:57):
of God. I don't want zippers. Oh, fuck. I should have led with this. So I learned a bunch of weird
Mormon stuff too. So we all know. So yeah, obviously. Yes. Sooking. So soaking is, is, you know,
whatever. But then I forget what the term is called, but there's another thing where you soak,
but you have a friend jump on the bed at the foot of the bed and they shake it for you.
(27:23):
Now, so you're not doing any of the motion, but it's amazing. But they're just, they're so creative.
I learned something else too. And it's called sparking. And, oh, so, uh, sparking is basically,
(27:47):
it's so there's like different types of like dry humping in and zippering is basically when you're
dry humping front to front. So your zippers are, oh, okay. It's called sparking risks. Yeah.
The friction might burn you a little bit hilarious. And these people, there was a desperate need.
(28:09):
There's another one too. Hold on. I gotta, I gotta figure it out. Let me just, I gotta,
I gotta make a phone call. Hi, Mitt Romney. John, I have a question for you. You're on speaker
right now. I'm recording an episode of the podcast. This episode is about, uh, Mormons and I need,
(28:30):
well, what were the, the, the two, so there's, they're soaking and then there, what were the
two dry humping ones called? Uh, uh, uh, zipper sparking. Yeah. And then, oh my God, what was,
I think it started with an N. What was the other one? Now, now it's going to make me mad
(28:55):
because I can't think of it right off the top of my head. Why is it that we only remember sparking
and not the other one? Zipper sparking is funnier. That's true. Durfing. That's what it is.
Durfing. Durfing and zipper sparking. All right, cool. Thank you, John.
I'll talk to you tomorrow. Durfing. There's no F. Why is there an F in the, there's no F in dry
(29:19):
humping. Why is there an F? Durfing is non-penetrative sexual activity between members of the LSD,
also known as provo. Hold on. Wait, there's another one. There's another one. It's called, uh,
going to Yellowstone. I have, oh my God, these people, dude, I don't know. Anyway, so yeah,
(29:45):
so there you have it. So loophole makes me so happy. I don't know how I'm going to edit this
together, but this is a lot of stuff. But yeah, so they have it. How you feeling? How you feeling
good? Do you feel better? I, I, I, I lost for words. I'm even more disappointed in this religion,
if that's possible. Yeah. No, but I also think they're the most whimsically silly people on
(30:11):
earth. Had they not murdered like over a hundred settlers in Utah, I might even think they're
comical. I will say I've met some Mormons in my day. They are very naive, very gullible, very,
very sweet people. They're very, yeah. Some of the nicest people they ever meet.
(30:32):
Are they dumb as bricks? Probably not dumb. I don't want to say that. Naive. That's I guess
naive is probably the best way to put it. That's the right word. They're, their whole view of the
outside world outside of their church is I don't know where they're getting it from. It's wild.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Like you, first of all, you live in Salt Lake city, Utah.
(30:55):
It's wild because the surrounding areas are like the biggest party places in the world.
Yeah. I don't know. It's great. They're brave, brave and naive, but they have it. Sorry. That is
the story of the Mormon Bigfoot. I don't know how I'm going to title this episode, but Mormon
and Bigfoot will be in there. I think you should also put Durfing just for fun. It'll be in the
(31:18):
episode description. I'll make sure to link them all to the urban dictionary definitions.
That's the way to do it. It's going to be good. Hashtag poop hole loop hole.
You got anything you want to plug, promote, say, talk about, say,
yeah, get the coloring book. It's more relevant now than it has ever been. Unfortunately,
(31:44):
Saaj's super normal.com 9 99. There's lots of pages and there's activities. So get that.
There is activities. I haven't done mine. Mine. Mine's still, I don't know if you can see it.
Mine's still in mint condition. I'm hoping one day it'll be a collector's item. Yeah. Mine's
just kicking back there. All right. Well, if you want to follow us on Instagram, it's
(32:06):
at Cribb the Cocktail. Follow us on TikTok, Cribb the Cocktail party. We have a Patreon
where for $3 a month, you can just, you know, kick it, chill, support the show. We'll give you a
shout out on the episodes. There's also another tier is $7 a month where you get unedited episodes,
video episodes. You can see our dumb faces and all the mistakes and all the takes that I have to do
(32:29):
to make this listenable. And you get to look at all the fun stuff in my background. Yeah. Yeah.
In Baphomet, my Baphomet Christmas ornament that's hanging above my head. Yeah. Oh, I don't have
Baphomet. I have a, this is a predator Christmas ornament. That'll work. Yeah. That works too.
I like that we both have Christmas ornaments just hanging up in our, this is, you know,
this is what it meant to be Sarge. This is why we linked up. Exactly. I was actually explaining
(32:54):
to my brother-in-law last night, last night I was at my cousin's 16 year old birthday party.
And he was talking about our podcast and he's like, so how did you guys get linked up? And I
was like, well, we met on Tik Tok and then I came on an episode and then I just never left.
And he's like, that's really cute. And I was like, yeah, it was definitely a meet cute.
(33:16):
It is adorable. Yeah. It worked out in both of our favors. We're killing it right now. It really did.
A hundred percent. Certainly in my favor. Both. I feel like we, I feel like this show took off
after you came on. I mean, I'm not saying it was all you, but I mean like, no, no, it's certainly,
I wouldn't either. I was saying that both of us alone couldn't do what we do together. Right.
(33:40):
With our powers combined. Exactly. That's what it is with our powers combined. Exactly. Very
captain planet. And if you, and if, and if you join the Patreon, you can watch me put my hands
together in the powers combined symbol. So yeah, alone that to look forward to if we were both
captain planet characters, both of us would be heart alone, but together we're like all of the
(34:06):
useless, the useless of all of them separate, but together we're, you know, so yeah. So give us money.
If you want to hear more banter like that. And then, uh, yeah, you could have earned some extra.
You could have, you could have entertained yourself for an extra five minutes. It's going to get
edited out of the actual recording. I might not. I don't know, but uh, we'll keep it in.
(34:28):
Uh, the user rating and review is awesome. If you do, it really helps the show.
And I think that's all. That's all I got to say. So, hey, hey, you guys, I love you. And that's not
just the, the day, well talking is that you, is that you saying goodbye and I love you to the
audience. Goodbye. And I love you to the audience. Dayquil is good.
Hey everybody!
(00:25):
Welcome back to another episode of Crypto Cocktail Party Show where we have a few drinks,
a few laughs, take a dive into the unknown.
I'm your host Dave, joined as always by my wonderful co-host Sarge.
How's it going handsome?
Oh, I'm great.
I'm great.
There's snow everywhere and I feel like shit.
Let's let's talk about animals that aren't real.
OK, maybe it might be real.
(00:47):
They could be real.
Because it's well, we'll see.
You just don't know.
Yeah, but I'm sorry you're sick still.
You look good, though.
You don't look miserable.
You don't look as miserable as you sound because you sound like hell.
Oh, yeah.
No, I've taken a lot of drugs.
Hell, yeah, dude.
Fucking you're ready to party is what you're saying.
(01:07):
Yeah, I've got Sudafed, Daquil, Ibuprofen.
I'm ready to fucking roll.
Now, that's a cocktail vibe, everyone.
All right.
Well, again, sorry you're sick.
Yeah, I don't know.
I got nothing going on.
I got glasses.
I look like I should be drinking IPA.
(01:27):
They look good.
They look good.
Don't patronize me.
This is an IPA podcast now.
It looks so fucking good.
Just going to tell the long, detailed story of the birth of an IPA.
So what made you come up with Juice Newton?
I look insufferable.
(01:48):
Like no one wants to talk to me.
No, I think you picked the right style.
I think you picked the right style for your face.
Those look good.
I wouldn't lie to you.
If they didn't look good, I'd be like, you look different.
That's a new look.
It's just no one warned me that when you get glasses.
I mean, obviously, I knew I was going to get used to them,
like seeing through them, because I'm looking through a pane of glass now.
(02:11):
But no one told me about it.
Everything looks like a funhouse mirror, like until my brain figures it out.
Like, dude, when I first put them on, thank God I wasn't driving.
My wife took me to go get the glasses.
And I was in the passenger seat driving home wearing them.
Dude, I almost thought I thought I was going to throw up.
I thought I had like vertigo.
Like, he's like giving me like a panic attack.
(02:33):
It's pretty bad.
It's not cool.
The first time I got glasses, I looked down and I and I was like immediately
freaked out because it looked like I was so much taller than I am.
Oh, yeah, I do. My depth perception is fucked right now.
Like I go to reach for something and I'm like, am I touching it?
Am I close? I don't know.
It's you'll get used to it.
It takes a little while, but it takes like a week or so.
(02:55):
And then you're used to it.
Pretty much my advice for anyone out there, if you're thinking about getting
glasses, don't. It sucks.
Yeah, just stay blind.
Stay blind.
Dude, I did.
I can like see in like 4K now.
It's wild, dude.
Like, is this what everybody else has been seeing this whole time?
Dude, I had them on and I took them off for a minute and I was like, fuck, dude, like
(03:21):
I really see anything.
I should not like I can see sound.
Like my eyesight is so good that I can like taste food better.
Like all my other senses like
it's fucking wild.
See the sound, the sound waves vibrating off of things.
Oh, yeah, dude. It's bananas.
Like everything is. Yeah.
(03:41):
All right, Sarge, I know you're sick.
I'm not going to keep you.
I think we have a pretty good episode.
I you kind of have an idea of what we're talking about, but you don't know.
I'm very excited.
You don't know the full scope of what we're about to talk about.
I'm so excited.
All right, so this week, we're going to be doing something a little bit different.
We're going to be talking religion, specifically Mormonism.
(04:02):
Bring on the funny underwear.
I just want to say up top that we are not religious by any stretch of the imagination,
but we also aren't here to yuck anybody's yum.
You know, if you're Mormon, Christian, Jewish, Muslim, whatever, that's awesome.
Whatever you need to believe to make you the best version of you.
I'm all for it.
Just as long as you're not hurting anyone, believe what you want to believe. But
(04:25):
with that out of the way, we will be dragging the hell out of Mormonism
because I personally don't trust a religion that was founded
50 years out from the invention of the car. So that's.
Yes. Yes.
And you know, things aren't great
when the founder of your religion is tarred and feathered
for banging everybody's life.
(04:46):
It's true fact. You can look it up.
It's dude. Yeah.
We're not going to dive too much into Joseph Smith.
He will get into a little bit about it.
Idiot. Yeah. So and a liar.
I'm sure most, if not all of you listening, are familiar with Mormonism
in one way or another.
But if not, let's just do a quick crash course of the Mormon faith.
(05:09):
All right. So officially known as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day
Saints or LDS, if you're nasty, it was founded in the 19th century
by known con man, fraudster and literal convicted traitor.
Joseph Smith.
Smith claimed that he received divine revelations
and some golden plates by an angel named Moroni.
(05:30):
Moroni Moroni Moroni sounds funny.
Oh, no, I think it's Moroni.
Moroni sounds like a like a Dick Tracy villain.
Hey, it's Moroni. I got these gold tablets here.
You want to put them in your head? Take a look at them.
Hi, hey, he's a he's a nice tablets you got here.
Be ashamed if something happened to him.
(05:51):
Now, Smith took these gold tablets and used them to translate the Book of Mormon.
Now, Mormonism, in some aspects, is the same as any other branch of Christianity
in the sense that there's a God, Jesus having help that sort of stuff.
But it also deviates we'll wildly from mainstream Christianity as any good cult
does. For instance, like bare bones, boilerplate, milk toast Christianity primarily relies on the
(06:16):
Bible for all of its teachings, whereas Mormonism includes additional scriptures like Doctrine of
Covenants and Pearl of Great Price, which expands upon or sometimes just straight up reinterpret,
reinterpret, reinterprets traditional narratives. Other ways it branches off of mainstream
Christianity is that it teaches that humans existed in a pre-mortal state, meaning like we're kind of
(06:41):
like little soul babies just kind of floating around before we get into a human body. It's
kind of like that Scientology thing with like Thetans or whatever the fuck. Yes. Yeah, it's
kind of like that. But yeah, so basically before we come to earth in a human body, we're just a little
soul sperm, if that makes sense. Yeah. Yeah, just getting penetrated by soul sperm. Yeah. They also
(07:04):
believe that God has a physical body. He's not just like a fucking, he's not everywhere, I guess.
I don't really know, but he, but he, you know, he's a dude. He's just a guy. He's a chill guy.
He's just a bro. Yeah. He's just chilling out. He's just like the rest of us. Yeah. And they,
they also believe that the most faithful of the faithful can achieve godhood in the afterlife,
(07:26):
which I mean, that's pretty fucking gnarly. And given the chance, I would be the hell out of that
power. I would like, I would so abuse that. Oh God, it'd be so bad. Yeah. Yeah. I would, I would,
what I would do is if I attained godhood in the afterlife, if I was Mormon, what I would do is I
would talk to people, like just random people so that they seem crazy on the street. Like I
(07:47):
wouldn't tell them. Oh yeah. You know what I mean? Like I wouldn't tell them I was like a god. I
would just do, they just fuck with people hardcore. I'd be like, everyone knows you're masturbating.
At least wash your hands after you're savage.
Just wait for someone to start touching themselves and be like, Hey, cut it out.
(08:10):
But, but one thing about the Mormon beliefs that I don't think many people know about is that the
LDS church has developed, developed a unique, I guess you could call it interpretation of
biblical geography. Oh yeah. And this is where our episode can kind of sort of began. So most,
if not all key events in the Bible take place in the middle East, right? Every, you know,
(08:33):
like most religious country. Yeah. Most religious traditions put the garden of Eden, for example,
somewhere near Mesopotamia, which is now modern day Iraq. Yeah, I've been there. There's, there's
really not a lot of green space there. Well, maybe Mormonism is for you because our boy Joseph Smith,
he doesn't ascribe to that theory. Smith claims that the true location of the garden of Eden,
(08:56):
the birthplace of humanity is actually located in Jackson County, Missouri.
I've been to Missouri. It is like the meth capital of the world. I find it very hard to
believe that that is the cradle of civilization. Oh no. Yeah. I know it was.
Do you, why would you doubt this? Because I, I feel like, uh, Adam and Eve were not messed out all the time.
(09:25):
It would explain the incest for sure. No.
No. So yeah. So the garden of Eden, you guys might recognize that as
the paradise on earth that God created for Adam and Eve before being cast out for eating some fruit.
And the Mormons also believe this, but just like the 1958 classic by Hank Ballard and the Midnighters,
(09:51):
the Mormons do a twist. I was proud of that one. Brilliant. Now in Mormon theology,
the story of Adam and Eve is basically the same story with some big key differences. For one,
Adam was actually Michael the Archangel. Now this is kind of goes back to the soul babies thing. So
(10:14):
there's a lot going on here. This is a complicated tale.
Now they also believe that Adam and Eve being kicked out of Eden, it wasn't really like that big of a deal
in that their fall from grace was like a necessary step in God's plan because Adam and Eve decided to
pretty much spit in God's face. Humanity was now able to experience mortality. They could have kids,
but not before marriage, of course, and they could progress towards exaltation in the afterlife.
(10:40):
But even though this whole thing isn't seen as a sin in the eyes of the Mormons,
Adam and Eve were still kicked out of Eden and part of their punishment was to set up the first
human civilization. Now that settlement, the cradle of humanity, the birthplace of all to come and all
that ever will be is known as Adam on the Ammon. So it is at this site that Adam met his children
(11:03):
and bestowed his blessings three years before his death. And according to Smith, this is also where
the second coming of Jesus Christ will take place. Now, where do you think this sacred Mormon Mecca
might be located, Sarge? I mean, I don't know, Arrowhead Stadium?
Well, it's about five miles south of Jameson and Davies County, Missouri.
(11:23):
Ah, that would explain the 3000 acres they own there.
Yeah, so they they did. They they they do own a lot of land. I didn't really. I guess Mormons,
they were big in Missouri for a while. And then there was a literal war to fucking kick them out.
They were kicked out. Yeah. And then they moved to Utah and then they started killing a lot of
(11:44):
people just for no reason. Yeah. Well, no, I guess they went to Illinois after they've been everywhere.
They're like, yeah, yeah, no one wants to warm. It's like the Johnny Cash song. I've been everywhere,
man, because no one wants me here because of my weird underwear. I believe that's how the rest of
the song goes pretty close, I think. Now, I know those of you listening who saw the episode title
(12:07):
are probably like, fuck, dude, just get to the good part already. And Sarge, you're probably
thinking the same thing because you don't know. You don't actually know, like the points that I'm
trying to get to by talking about all this. I don't. I was not aware of any of this. Well,
here it is. So you know the story of Cain and Abel, right? Yes. Of course. Pretty well known
story. Famous brothers. Yeah. In a nutshell, the story goes like this. Cain and Abel, the sons of
(12:30):
Adam and Eve, they each made offerings to God. Abel being a shepherd sacrificed a lamb. Cain was
a farmer, so he presented God with some crops. For some reason, God, probably because he's a
bloodthirsty psychopath and loves violence, he favored Abel's offering. He worshiped his son
with a cannibalism ritual. So yeah, he favored Abel's offering over Cain's. Now, Cain didn't
(12:54):
really like that outcome, so he decided the best way to remedy the situation was to violently face
fuck his brother with a big rock. Yeah, fair enough. Now, the first murder. Yeah. So turns out God only
likes bloodshed when it's done in his name. So as a punishment for committing the world's first
murder, he cursed Cain, marking him so that no one could kill him and condemning him to wander
(13:17):
the earth for eternity. Now, the quote unquote mark of Cain has been up for debate for as long
as this story has existed, which is like millennia. Some interpretations suggest it was some sort of
physical feature, like a deformity or a birthmark type deal. Others say it was like a divine aura,
like dude's vibe just changed, so no one could kill him or something like that. Okay. So he's
(13:39):
a Highlander now. Pretty much, but some think he was transformed into a seven to 10 foot tall,
hair covered humanoid, better known today as Andre the Giant. Bigfoot. Oh, damn.
That's a fucking twist I was not ready for.
(14:00):
Are you familiar with that at all? No, that's amazing.
Yeah. This isn't true for all Mormons. And for the most part, this is kind of Mormon folklore,
but among some LDS members, this is what they think happened to Cain. Oh my God. This makes
my fucking day. Just when I think those fuckers can't get more silly, they get more silly. Oh,
(14:26):
yeah, I do. This is, this is next level shit. Now, why do they think this? I'm sure it's
probably what's on your mind right now, because that's a huge leap to make from being cursed by
God to being fucking Bigfoot. Well, it all comes down to a man named David W. Patton,
an early apostle of the LDS church who described an encounter he had with Cain in 1835 that was
(14:51):
later published in Spencer W. Kimball's book, The Miracle of Forgiveness. Now about five years
ago, David said, quote, as I was riding along the road on my mule, I suddenly noticed a very strange
personage walking beside me. His head was about even with my shoulder as I sat on my saddle. He
wore no clothing, but covered in hair. His skin was very dark. I asked him where he dwelt and he
(15:17):
replied that he had no home, that he was a wanderer in the earth and traveled to and fro. He said he
was a very miserable creature, that he had earnestly sought death during his sojourn upon the
earth, but that he could not die and his mission was to destroy the souls of men, end quote.
Oh, it's a lot of exposition for just just like a simple meeting. Well, I mean, yeah, but then
(15:41):
it goes on to say that once Cain spoke those words to him, he, David rebuked him in the name
of Jesus Christ, and then he just went back into the forest. Right. So, he was a very
miserable creature. He was a very miserable creature. He was a very miserable creature.
And I mean, I think it's a lot of people who have been like, oh, I'm going to be in the forest or
(16:02):
like disappear or some shit like that. I mean, I would have done the exact same thing. Like if
I'm walking down the street and some dudes like I rebuke you in the name of Christ, they'd be like,
all right, I'm going to walk away from you. But I mean, you could easily see how that can be fucking
quicker. Yeah, no, that's that's that's that's big. But that that doesn't mean it's big foot,
you know? I mean, at that point, if you're that tall, everybody's got big feet when you're that
(16:27):
tall, naked and covered in hair. He could have been Albanian. You don't know. Sure. Sounds like
he could have been Italian. Fucking Greek. It could have been Morona Moroni. Hey, fuck.
Moroni over here. Walk it over here. Get your people out of the way. I thought about I thought
about death. I thought about death. I can't die. I can't fucking die. Come here with your donkey.
(16:52):
You fucking think you know everything. Get out of here. Get back on the train or whatever they
fucking have in New York. I don't got no home. I wander. All right. Fuck. Leave me alone.
I killed my brother. I gave God some nice arugula. He said, fuck you. So I killed my brother. What
(17:15):
are you going to do? What are you going to do about it? I'm a fucking bastard. I said,
oh, the rock. What are you going to do? It was a nice rock.
Fuck that. I grabbed my nicest rock. I got blood on my rock. Hey,
I got blood on my tracksuit. This is the law. The fuck you want to know is what would gangsters
(17:42):
have worn before Jesus died because they don't have the they can't wear the cross. You know,
star David. Oh yeah. You're right. Yeah. Yeah. I forgot. Yeah.
But on the thinnest of gold chains. Yes. Yeah. I know it has to be a really thin gold chain. Yeah.
That's opulence right there. Yeah. Reading all this back after writing the script, I realized
(18:04):
this is a goofy religion. Yeah. It really is the silliest shit on earth. Like, I want to try and
take it seriously, but I don't trust anyone who doesn't drink caffeine. Like you don't drink
alcohol. That's fair. I get it. It's, it's not for everybody, but caffeine, come on, what the fuck is
wrong with you? What's weird is that like when I was reading about Mormonism and like writing this
(18:25):
all out and stuff like that, like it didn't seem that weird in the moment. I mean, it's weird, but
like, yeah, I think it's, I think all religions are a little weird. I think I had to say all of this
out loud. So like really hear myself and be like, wow, all right, cool. That's why when Mormons,
like they, when they ambush you in a parking lot, they try to give you a book because they say it
(18:48):
out loud. It's going to sound real dumb. It's very true. Yeah. They kind of beat around the
bush when they come to your door. You know what I mean? You have to figure out. I do have a funny
story about Mormons. Hey fucker, we got time. Let's go for it. This is brave. This is brave of them. So
I went to the, to the local liquor store and I came out with, with some beer and I got my car
(19:14):
and I just about to start my car and this squirrely little guy in his sidekick,
wearing a short sleeve white t-shirt with a black tie and a little name tag. Yeah. Knocked on my
window. Ooh, that's wild. And I'm like, bold choice, bold choice, this close to Boston that
(19:35):
you're going to knock on the window of a car in a parking lot and not expect to get murdered. But
also a liquor store parking, like a, like a packy parking lot. Like that's even worse. Like, like
that's where you get robbed. My favorite thing though, my favorite thing about the entire
encounter is with my window up, he like kind of leaned down and was like, would you like to come
to church with us? And I didn't even respond. I just backed out of the parking lot and drove away.
(20:03):
Like I looked at him and then I looked at my rear view, like dashed my rear view camera and just
backed out. Yeah, dude. Like fucking that's bold. I've got a 12 pack of beer in the back of my car.
I'm not going to join your weird fucking religion where I can't drink it. Yeah. Right. That's a weird
place to convert people. I feel like AA meetings are like, like a, like a, like that's where you
(20:26):
kind of convert people when they're looking for guidance, not someone who is actively in the midst
of trying to get blackout. Right. But I'm also like a fucking combat veteran. Like don't knock on my
window. That won't always end well for you. Well, they didn't know that it's not like it's a secret.
I've got a veteran sticker in the back of my car, but does it say you had to walk by it to knock on
my window? But does the sticker say don't knock on my window? I'm a combat veteran. I will murder you.
(20:50):
I'm going to get that sticker. Dear Mormons, knock at your own peril. Okay. You'll wish you were
tired and feathered. You little twerp. I could have folded that kid up and put them in my pocket. I
was so angry. He's, he's just doing his best, man. Yeah, no, he didn't know. That's why I didn't kill
(21:12):
him. He didn't know any better. That's fair. But I wanted to beat him to death, but I'm like, you know
what? He's clearly not from here. This is a very different environment from Salt Lake City. But anyways,
back to, back to, sorry about that. Back to Mormon. And to those two Mormon kids, if you happen to
stumble upon this podcast, thank you for leaving the church. Cause that's the only way you're
(21:33):
listening to this if you left the church. Back to Mormon Bigfoot. How are we feeling so far? So we
have Cain, Cain got cursed by God. God turned up into Bigfoot. This makes me so fucking happy. And then
an early, uh, apostle from the church had an encounter with Cain where he describes him as
Bigfoot. How are you, you feeling good about this so far? It makes my day. I also learned that. So
(21:57):
this dude, this dude, Patton or whatever, the guy who had this encounter with Cain, AKA Bigfoot,
I learned that his Patton's mom was baptized into the Mormon church by Brigham Young, that guy, that
guy, whoever fucking, yeah. So it's pretty crazy. He's got, he's got a strong vintage there. Yeah.
(22:19):
So, so Patton's claims, uh, they spread throughout the Mormon communities. And then later as stories
of Bigfoot started becoming more prevalent, not just like in the Pacific, North or the West,
but all over the country, uh, specifically there were some pretty big deal, like sightings in Utah.
Um, I guess. And so it was a pretty easy jump for some Mormon people to like connect the two figures.
(22:43):
Now, some believers, Mormon and non-Mormon alike, even suggest that Bigfoot's abilities, things like
telepathy, interdimensional travel, and his supernatural elusiveness. And being blurry all
the time when people try to take pictures of him. Yeah, this all could be linked to Cain's like divine
punishment, reinforcing the idea that he was cursed beyond just physical wandering. And
(23:07):
we'll get into it after I was about to complain for a minute.
So pretty much to sum it all up, if you believe this theory, that means that every time someone
spots a Bigfoot, they aren't just seeing a cryptid or some unknown species of like species of ape.
They are literally witnessing a biblical figure cursed by fucking God himself. And not going to
(23:33):
lie, that's pretty fucking rad. That's kind of mind blowing. That's kind of mind blowing.
That's kind of how I feel every time I see, uh, Joel Olsteen
cursed to walk the earth with that giant creepy fucking conjuring smile. He's got, yeah. But
(23:53):
anyways, so there you have it, Sarge. This is literally what this boils down to is this is
the most roundabout way for me to tell you that I learned from watching a TikTok that Cain is
actually Bigfoot. I just needed to tell someone about it. Thank God. Thank God. TikTok came back
because this makes me so happy. Yeah. So I was like, fuck dude. I learned about this and I was
(24:16):
like, I have to do it. But if just telling you this little Bigfoot section is in a full episode.
So I was like, I'll throw in some other Mormon shit. This is just a way for me to talk to you
about this. It's so, they're just so goddamn weird. I had a, I had a roommate in basic training.
It's a long story for those of you wondering why I had a roommate. There wasn't a lot of space for
(24:38):
us. So I couldn't sleep in the bays. So four of us got stuck in this little room. Anyway,
my roommate, the kid who slept in the bunk above me was Mormon. And I, I was curious. I wanted to
learn more about the Mormon faith. And after about 20 minutes of him talking, I was like, oh, this is
all bullshit. This is all silly. None of this is real. Oh yeah. He was a nice kid. He was weird as
(25:01):
fuck though. And his Mormonism did not help him. Like he was already a weird guy. And then he
started talking about his religion. And I was like, well, to be fair, any religion that was founded
after the invention of the plane, I can take it or leave it. Not great. Not great. If you,
there's a great show called American primeval on Netflix. Yeah. And it does a, I mean, it's
(25:28):
obviously a dramatization, so it's a little over the top, but it does a pretty good explanation
of the Mormon massacres out in Utah. Yeah. There's also, um, murder among the Mormons is
another good documentary as well. Like, Oh, that one's really good too. Yeah. Yeah.
It's fucking scary, dude. You, you did it. They are terrifying people. You did your episode on
(25:49):
gang stalking and you did not bring up the Mormons enough when it comes to that kind of
shit. People try to leave the church. They get gang stalks. Like this is like, this is like real
gang stalking. Not like people believing that. Well, the same shit happens with, um, Scientology
with Jehovah witnesses in Scientology. It's because hear me out. It's because they're not
a religion. They are. Yes. Stay with me now. Occult. Yes. That's why anytime your religion
(26:13):
stalks you after you leave it, it's not a religion. You're, you're, you're an occult and it's
dangerous. Yeah. So maybe let's not do that anymore. But again, if you're scared to leave your
religion, you are an occult. Yeah. If there's like real diabolical consequences for you deciding,
Hey, maybe this isn't for me. Like even the Amish have rum spring out. Like they don't give a fuck.
(26:37):
Like, Hey, if this is for you, this is for you. If it's not, it's not like it's fine. Yeah. Go out,
get wasted, fuck people. And if you don't, don't like it, come on back and hang out. That's something
I can get behind. Yeah. Let your kids run wild for a little bit. Maybe, maybe it'll get out of their
system and be like, you know what? I do want to churn my own butter. I mean, I do, but not in front
(26:57):
of God. I don't want zippers. Oh, fuck. I should have led with this. So I learned a bunch of weird
Mormon stuff too. So we all know. So yeah, obviously. Yes. Sooking. So soaking is, is, you know,
whatever. But then I forget what the term is called, but there's another thing where you soak,
but you have a friend jump on the bed at the foot of the bed and they shake it for you.
(27:23):
Now, so you're not doing any of the motion, but it's amazing. But they're just, they're so creative.
I learned something else too. And it's called sparking. And, oh, so, uh, sparking is basically,
(27:47):
it's so there's like different types of like dry humping in and zippering is basically when you're
dry humping front to front. So your zippers are, oh, okay. It's called sparking risks. Yeah.
The friction might burn you a little bit hilarious. And these people, there was a desperate need.
(28:09):
There's another one too. Hold on. I gotta, I gotta figure it out. Let me just, I gotta,
I gotta make a phone call. Hi, Mitt Romney. John, I have a question for you. You're on speaker
right now. I'm recording an episode of the podcast. This episode is about, uh, Mormons and I need,
(28:30):
well, what were the, the, the two, so there's, they're soaking and then there, what were the
two dry humping ones called? Uh, uh, uh, zipper sparking. Yeah. And then, oh my God, what was,
I think it started with an N. What was the other one? Now, now it's going to make me mad
(28:55):
because I can't think of it right off the top of my head. Why is it that we only remember sparking
and not the other one? Zipper sparking is funnier. That's true. Durfing. That's what it is.
Durfing. Durfing and zipper sparking. All right, cool. Thank you, John.
I'll talk to you tomorrow. Durfing. There's no F. Why is there an F in the, there's no F in dry
(29:19):
humping. Why is there an F? Durfing is non-penetrative sexual activity between members of the LSD,
also known as provo. Hold on. Wait, there's another one. There's another one. It's called, uh,
going to Yellowstone. I have, oh my God, these people, dude, I don't know. Anyway, so yeah,
(29:45):
so there you have it. So loophole makes me so happy. I don't know how I'm going to edit this
together, but this is a lot of stuff. But yeah, so they have it. How you feeling? How you feeling
good? Do you feel better? I, I, I, I lost for words. I'm even more disappointed in this religion,
if that's possible. Yeah. No, but I also think they're the most whimsically silly people on
(30:11):
earth. Had they not murdered like over a hundred settlers in Utah, I might even think they're
comical. I will say I've met some Mormons in my day. They are very naive, very gullible, very,
very sweet people. They're very, yeah. Some of the nicest people they ever meet.
(30:32):
Are they dumb as bricks? Probably not dumb. I don't want to say that. Naive. That's I guess
naive is probably the best way to put it. That's the right word. They're, their whole view of the
outside world outside of their church is I don't know where they're getting it from. It's wild.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Like you, first of all, you live in Salt Lake city, Utah.
(30:55):
It's wild because the surrounding areas are like the biggest party places in the world.
Yeah. I don't know. It's great. They're brave, brave and naive, but they have it. Sorry. That is
the story of the Mormon Bigfoot. I don't know how I'm going to title this episode, but Mormon
and Bigfoot will be in there. I think you should also put Durfing just for fun. It'll be in the
(31:18):
episode description. I'll make sure to link them all to the urban dictionary definitions.
That's the way to do it. It's going to be good. Hashtag poop hole loop hole.
You got anything you want to plug, promote, say, talk about, say,
yeah, get the coloring book. It's more relevant now than it has ever been. Unfortunately,
(31:44):
Saaj's super normal.com 9 99. There's lots of pages and there's activities. So get that.
There is activities. I haven't done mine. Mine. Mine's still, I don't know if you can see it.
Mine's still in mint condition. I'm hoping one day it'll be a collector's item. Yeah. Mine's
just kicking back there. All right. Well, if you want to follow us on Instagram, it's
(32:06):
at Cribb the Cocktail. Follow us on TikTok, Cribb the Cocktail party. We have a Patreon
where for $3 a month, you can just, you know, kick it, chill, support the show. We'll give you a
shout out on the episodes. There's also another tier is $7 a month where you get unedited episodes,
video episodes. You can see our dumb faces and all the mistakes and all the takes that I have to do
(32:29):
to make this listenable. And you get to look at all the fun stuff in my background. Yeah. Yeah.
In Baphomet, my Baphomet Christmas ornament that's hanging above my head. Yeah. Oh, I don't have
Baphomet. I have a, this is a predator Christmas ornament. That'll work. Yeah. That works too.
I like that we both have Christmas ornaments just hanging up in our, this is, you know,
this is what it meant to be Sarge. This is why we linked up. Exactly. I was actually explaining
(32:54):
to my brother-in-law last night, last night I was at my cousin's 16 year old birthday party.
And he was talking about our podcast and he's like, so how did you guys get linked up? And I
was like, well, we met on Tik Tok and then I came on an episode and then I just never left.
And he's like, that's really cute. And I was like, yeah, it was definitely a meet cute.
(33:16):
It is adorable. Yeah. It worked out in both of our favors. We're killing it right now. It really did.
A hundred percent. Certainly in my favor. Both. I feel like we, I feel like this show took off
after you came on. I mean, I'm not saying it was all you, but I mean like, no, no, it's certainly,
I wouldn't either. I was saying that both of us alone couldn't do what we do together. Right.
(33:40):
With our powers combined. Exactly. That's what it is with our powers combined. Exactly. Very
captain planet. And if you, and if, and if you join the Patreon, you can watch me put my hands
together in the powers combined symbol. So yeah, alone that to look forward to if we were both
captain planet characters, both of us would be heart alone, but together we're like all of the
(34:06):
useless, the useless of all of them separate, but together we're, you know, so yeah. So give us money.
If you want to hear more banter like that. And then, uh, yeah, you could have earned some extra.
You could have, you could have entertained yourself for an extra five minutes. It's going to get
edited out of the actual recording. I might not. I don't know, but uh, we'll keep it in.
(34:28):
Uh, the user rating and review is awesome. If you do, it really helps the show.
And I think that's all. That's all I got to say. So, hey, hey, you guys, I love you. And that's not
just the, the day, well talking is that you, is that you saying goodbye and I love you to the
audience. Goodbye. And I love you to the audience. Dayquil is good.
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