February 9, 2025 • 30 mins
Episode Summary
Being a dad is tough. Being a divorced or single dad? That’s next-level challenging. In this episode of Dad Mode Activated, I dive deep into the realities of single fatherhood, from custody battles and co-parenting struggles to staying connected with your kids and rebuilding your life.
I’ve been there, and I know how tough this road can be. But here’s the good news: you can still be a great dad, no matter your circumstances.
This episode covers:
✅ The biggest challenges single and divorced dads face
✅ How to handle custody, co-parenting, and legal battles like a pro
✅ Staying connected with your kids—even when they’re not with you
✅ Managing finances and mental health after a breakup
✅ When and how to start dating again as a single dad
✅ Moving forward and creating a better, stronger future
If you’re in the middle of the storm, know this: You are not alone.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
(00:00):
Welcome back to Dad Mode Activated, the podcast where we get real about fatherhood without
(00:17):
the fluff, without the sugarcoating, and definitely without pretending we've got it all figured
out. I'm your host, Matt, and today we're tackling a topic that hits home for so many
men out there, including myself, navigating fatherhood as a divorced or single dad. If
you're listening right now, I know you're the kind of dad who's showing up, who cares,
(00:41):
who's trying to be the best that he can be. And that right there, really, that's everything.
Because honestly, fatherhood is already a challenge. But when you add in divorce, separation,
custody battles, or the struggles of raising kids without a partner, that takes things
(01:01):
expert mode, I would say. I've been there. I know what it's like to go from seeing your
kids every day to really suddenly counting the hours until your next visit. I know the
gut punch feeling of missing milestones, of not being there for bedtime stories, if that's
(01:21):
your thing, of wondering if your kids are okay when they're not with you. And I know
the frustration. I really do. The way the system can sometimes feel stacked against
dads. The struggles of co-parenting when the other parent will cooperate, very familiar.
And the endless balancing act of being a great dad while also rebuilding your own life. It
(01:47):
can be quite the struggle or the juggling act or both. But here's what I want to tell
you today. You can do this. You can be a great dad. Even if your time with your kids is limited,
you can have an amazing relationship with them, even if you don't see them every single
day. And you can build a strong fulfilling life after divorce, one where you're thriving
(02:14):
and you're not just focusing on survival. So today we're really going to go deep on
a couple of topics. And here's what we're going to cover. So I've got six of them. And
they're listed, you know, the biggest challenges, single and divorced dads face, how to handle
(02:35):
custody, co-parenting and legal battles like a pro, how to stay connected with your kids,
even when they're not with you, how to manage finances. That one is super critical. And
even more critical is to take care of your mental health and rebuild your life. Next
up, we're going to go through when and how to introduce dating into the mix and then
(03:01):
how to move forward into a better, stronger future. So you're not just stuck in the same
spot. So if you're ready, if you're ready to take control of your fatherhood journey,
let's dive into it. So segment one, I've got titled as the reality of being a single or
divorced dad. And we're going to start right off the bat with the emotional tone. So jumping
(03:29):
in with something a lot of guys don't talk about is how hard this actually is. When you
first go through a divorce or breakup, they can feel like you've been hit by a truck,
meteor, an airplane, whatever's heavier. Everything you thought that was permanent, your home,
your routines, your family dynamic, it's suddenly different. There's a deep grieving process
(03:57):
that comes with that. And if you don't acknowledge it, it will hit you like a ton of bricks later.
For me, it wasn't just about losing a marriage. It was about losing time with my kids, losing
the little moments, helping with homework, making them breakfast, opening the box of
pop tarts, if that's what your thing was or helping them pour the cereal in the bowl
(04:21):
or the milk. Those are all important things. Hearing about their day. You know, you don't
get to do that every day anymore. And really, that's what so many dads struggle with. So
to be clear, it's okay to greet. It's okay to feel angry. It's okay to feel lost. What's
not okay is staying stuck there in that space. That part's not okay because it will get better.
(04:51):
And the truth is your kids still need you. They need a dad who is present, not broken.
And the best thing you can do for them is to work through your emotions in a healthy
way. So find an outlet. And this is going to be like dads don't shy away from this. It
(05:11):
could be therapy. That's a big deal. And if you're not doing it, even if you think everything
is perfectly fine, I would recommend it. Journaling, working out, talking to another dad or friend
or somebody who's been there some even if you have a friend that's, I think we all have
(05:31):
one right? Yes, man, someone who no matter what you say, no matter how crazy it is going
to be like, Yep, that doesn't make sense. You're right. It can be helpful sometimes,
not all the time. I wouldn't recommend going that route permanently. But to each their
end, avoid self destruction. So what I mean by that is drinking, numbing yourself, isolating
(05:58):
yourself, it might feel like it's easier. But that certainly doesn't help. And then remember,
you're still their dad. There's no legal battle. There's no divorce, no custody, no break up,
no schedule, whatever, that can change that. You're still bad. So now we're going to talk
(06:19):
a little bit about custody struggles, custody and visitation struggles. So for a lot of
dads, custody and visitation battles are the most painful part of the process, but it doesn't
have to be. So here's what I'll say. Know your rights. That's important. Know your rights.
Too many dads assume that the courts are automatically against them. So they don't fight as hard
(06:44):
as they should. But really, the truth is, you do have rights. And the more prepared you are,
the better your chances of getting fair time with your kids. I can speak from experience.
It is worth the effort as uncomfortable as it might be. It really only has to be uncomfortable
for one of you. And it doesn't have to be you. So tips for handling custody battles.
(07:09):
You really want to document everything. Keep record of your visits, communication, payments,
interactions, anything that could in theory affect custody. You want to make sure you
keep a document of that journaling. We talked about it a little bit further up there. That's
helpful. But I have some other tips along the way here. Stay professional. Judges want to
(07:34):
see stability. Now again, this is my opinion. They want to see stability. Never lose your
tempering court over text messages, emails. Oh boy. That is super critical. The transition
from text to email, if you aren't doing it already, do it. It makes it a lot easier to
manage. And then lastly, show up for everything. Now this could be subjective. I added it in
(08:00):
my notes simply because I thought it was important, especially in the beginning, school events,
doctor's appointments, parent-teacher meetings, blah, blah, blah. You make sure you're there.
When applicable. Over time, you know, for example, if you've had, if this is your third
kid going through the same school system and you know all the teachers and the principal
(08:22):
and all the rules and blah, blah, blah, then maybe it's not so important to go to a parent-teacher
meeting. You can send them a message. In this day and age, it works just as effectively.
Just my opinion. And if you're in the middle of a custody battle, you don't give up. You
know, don't give up. Your kids need you to fight for them. And you know, something to
(08:47):
keep in mind is the definition of fight for them. It doesn't have to include emotion.
It doesn't have to include the I'm right, you're wrong mentality. It just has to come
from a place of wanting to heal. I want what's best for them. And by influencing that, I
(09:09):
am doing what's best for you. Looking at the long term, playing the long game, having
the patience and understanding that you're really just trying to be there for your kids
and influencing the environment that they're in when they're not with you. It's just an
added bonus, but something that's worth doing for the long haul. So now we're going to talk
(09:32):
about co-parenting the good, the bad, and of course, the ugly, which lots of us are familiar
with. So if you've got an ex who's cooperative, good for you. That's great. But if you're
dealing with high conflict co-parenting, that's another beast entirely. Have you ever looked
at your phone? I mentioned emails earlier. If you ever looked at your phone and done
(09:55):
some kind of comparison, I've done it. I would throw the graph up here if I thought I wouldn't
get in trouble and look at the number of text messages you receive from your ex versus maybe
someone you're dating. Those might be kind of out of balance. Don't take my word for
it. It might be worth looking into. I bet you'd find some interesting results. Really,
(10:17):
the number one rule here for this section is to keep the focus on the kids. Don't engage
in drama. If your ex is combative, don't take the bait. Keep communication short, clear,
and respectful. Remember, it is very business-like in that you're negotiating. There's contracts.
There's court. There's money involved. All of those things. It would make sense to just
(10:42):
keep it professional and don't engage in the drama. I really want to sing praises about
co-parenting apps. I'm telling you, making the transition from text message to email
was huge. It was huge. But what was even more huge was making the leap from email to something
(11:05):
like our family wizard. That's what we use currently. It has been amazing. All of the
communication that you get, it has to be monitored. There's a little AI thing on there that'll
tell you, this is too aggressive. You won't be getting those, this is ridiculous, blah,
(11:28):
blah, blah, blah. You'll just get clear communication about something and you'll be able to respond
concisely about something in a very professional format. You don't have to worry about all
the emotion that comes with it because you don't own that. You own your emotion. But
we already talked about not jumping in on the drama, so just don't do it. Tools like
that will help you. They're not cheap and they're not free, but they are effective.
(11:54):
And lastly, never use your kids as messengers. They shouldn't really ever feel caught in
the middle. You don't want your child after you pick them up to say, when we get home,
I need to grab X, Y, and Z clothing because the other parent said so. You have to look
at them and be like, when did you wear that? Where is it? Is it under your bed? Did you
(12:21):
fold it and put it away? How stressful could that be trying to navigate that with your
child versus receiving that information from the other parent?
So now we're going to jump into the next segment. So staying connected with your kids. One of
the hardest parts of being a single dad is the distance. No matter what it is, it could
(12:48):
be right down the street. It could be 25 minutes away. You might not be right there for every
bedtime or school drop off, but that doesn't mean you can't have an incredible relationship
with your kids. And some of what I'm going to share is just assuming that kids have cell
phones now at whatever age. Obviously an eight month old or a toddler may not have a cell
(13:14):
phone. There are other ways to talk through it and we're going to get to that here in
just a moment. But really the focus should be on making every moment count. When you
have them, be fully present. No distractions, no work emails, just you and them. And then
create traditions that are yours, like solely yours, something that you guys do together.
(13:37):
And just some ideas. Just throwing them out there Sunday movie nights on Saturday. You
can make pancakes, do bedtime stories over FaceTime, if that's your thing, but whatever
makes your bond unique. And then be intentional with your conversations. Ask real questions.
How school going? What's the best thing that happened this week? Don't leave it open
(14:00):
and how was your day? Kids will just give you the good and you guys know that I'm right.
They'll just say good and then leave it at that. But you have to kind of get in there.
And kids remember those things. So when you ask the next time, you don't just get a,
yeah, it was good. It works. And then staying in touch when you're apart. You can do things
(14:22):
like text them every day. If that's your thing, a good morning, have a great day. It depends
on you know, your child's temperament and whether they think that's something they need
to have. You could send them voice notes, even a 10 second, I love you. I can't wait
to see you. Goes a long way. Something I haven't done personally, but is rather interesting
(14:44):
in one of the articles I was reading, you could just write a letter like real letters.
And I guess maybe I had underestimated that kids love getting real mail and it does create
lasting memories and then use technology wisely. If your kids love video games, mind you for
sure. They love video games, play together, play online together, set up scheduled FaceTime
(15:11):
calls to somehow coordinate that you guys are going to play Fortnite or something. And
then lastly, being a consistent presence. So keep your home predictable because really
kids thrive on routine. If your bedtime during a school day is 9 30, it's not really a negotiable.
(15:35):
Stick to 9 30. If on the weekends, it's 10 p.m. again, stick to 10 p.m. That way it will
save on any of the questions or any of the deviations or confusion that might come from
trying to navigate again to households, which I don't envy children having to do that. But
we could help them out a little by doing things just like that. And then be consistent. If
(15:59):
you say you're going to show up to something, you should probably be there, you know, keeping
your promises. Oddly enough, kids will remember those things. And then don't let distance
weaken your bond. The effort you put in today will certainly pay off in the future. I know
it is for me. Have the best relationship with my kids that I could have ever asked for.
(16:24):
So some of these tips that I'm talking through or things that I've done personally, except
for the writing letters, I should really try that. And then this next segment, we're going
to talk about managing finances and mental health. So handling finances after a divorce
is messy. And trying to budget on a single income, you really need to button down and
(16:45):
know where your money is going. Look at all the subscriptions, go through your bank account,
make sure you're reading every single line on where everything is going because you just
simply don't know until you put it all together. I ended up using a notebook when I was going
through this process and I was making like checklists. I have an iPhone. I would go
(17:05):
through and make on the notes app, like a checklist on there too. And as I was doing
things, I would check it off, you know, switch the phone plan or, or change the Netflix password.
Those are weird things that you don't think that you'd have to navigate, but they're
real. And then managing child support and alimony, every state is different. But making
(17:27):
sure you plan ahead and stay on top of those payments is really critical because some of
the penalties for that can be pretty excessive.
Cutting unnecessary expenses. So focusing on essentials while still making fun memories
with your kids. You don't have to door to ash every day. Cooking is fun. And I would
(17:48):
recommend it. It can actually be a good collaborative activity, but that's just one example, you
know, so cutting those unnecessary things out. Do you really need Disney plus and Netflix
at the same time? I don't know. That's a question you got to ask yourself.
So mental health. This one is huge for me. I think it's very critical for dads in general
(18:12):
to be able to handle stress and loneliness. So dealing with loneliness, finding hobbies,
can reconnect with old friends or your current friends, depending on how your dynamic works.
You can join support groups, you go to church, all of those things. It's really there are
no limits. And anyone that questions any of the activities that you're doing, you really
(18:34):
have to look back and say, okay, do I really need you around if this is how you're going
to approach me trying to get better?
The next one is avoiding self-destructive behavior. So drinking, isolation, excessive
work, I'm going to clear out all of this over time so I don't have to think about it. It's
(18:56):
not really helpful. And lastly, I said it a little bit ago, therapy is not a weakness.
Get the help you need because realistically, strong dads, the truly strong dads, not the
ones that are like, look at my clothes and strong dads, take care of their mental health.
(19:20):
I can't, I don't know how to emphasize that more because it is important.
Then we're going to talk about finding work-life balance or finding a work-life balance, create
a schedule that prioritizes your kids. Work realistically is always going to be there.
But your child or children's childhood, it won't. So, you know, I was talking to a dad
(19:44):
the other day about having to make sacrifices on your schedule or figure things out and
it might hold you back in the short term on where you're trying to go long term. But
really what is more important in that scenario? If you had to ask yourself.
And then set realistic goals for yourself. Rebuilding does take time. So you have to
(20:07):
be patient with yourself more so than anyone else. And surround yourself with positive
people. We talked a little bit about the yes man friend, right? The yes man friend is important.
The one that thinks that, yep, you know what, dad's messed up, you're right, every single
time is helpful in the short term. But long term, find folks that will support you, that
(20:29):
will lift you up, that will challenge you and say, hey, you know what, maybe how you
handle that's a little messed up. Because I think that has more value than any yeses
that you could get during a scenario just like this. And the fun one, dating as a single
back. So when do you start dating again? There's no right time. Only you know when you're ready.
(20:55):
No one, no one can tell you when you're ready. What you should focus on is healing first.
Everyone needs time to heal no matter what the circumstances are. Don't try to use a
new relationship to avoid dealing with either what you went through or what your past looks
like or what you're currently going through. And then ultimately be honest with yourself.
(21:17):
Are you looking for a serious relationship or just companionship? And those are two very
different things. Do you want a friend or do you want a long term friend? It's up for
debate. Balancing, dating and fatherhood. So your kids come first and a new partner should
(21:39):
compliment your life, not disrupt your parenting. You want to be upfront with dates, let them
know your dad, your kids are a priority and ultimately take it slow. You don't have to
rush into anything because balance truly is the key. And you're not going to get it right
on your first time unless you're incredibly lucky. And if you are by a lottery ticket,
(22:00):
that would be my recommendation. But if not, you'll keep trying until it's comfortable.
You're going to be upfront with them. You're going to take it slow and be like, Hey, I'm
a dad first. I want to go to that fancy steakhouse. But my child has acquired a performance.
I can't make it. Let them know those things and take it slow. They'll understand. And
(22:22):
if they don't, well, I think you have the answer on how long that's going to last. Probably
not long. You'd be right here listening to the show all over again. Maybe introduce
introducing someone new to your kids. You really want to wait until it's serious. So
don't introduce casual dates because ultimately kids do get attached quickly. And you want
(22:47):
to keep that first meeting simple. No pressure. Just a casual get together. For example, have
have dinner at home, wherever everyone is comfortable. No pressure. Make it casual and
kind of go from there. And then if you need to, if it's necessary, communicate with your
(23:08):
partner, with your ex, you know, if co-parenting is involved, depending on the circumstance,
discuss how introductions will happen. You know, for those that that didn't really get
a choice in how the introduction would happen. That's all right. You don't have to be angry
about it. We move on. We navigate. We change the dynamic and manage through it as best as
(23:29):
we can. For those that do have to make sure or that can have the conversation with their
ex to make sure introductions happen. Do that. And then the last segment, rebuilding
your life and moving forward. So creating a vision, a new vision for your life. You want
(23:52):
to set new goals and start asking yourself, what kind of dad, man, leader, do you want
to be? What type of person do I want to be? You can reinvent your whole self. And remember,
you know, folks might question that. People might question that, but that doesn't have
to stop you. And then redefining success. Your worth isn't based on your past. No matter
(24:18):
what happened, focus on growth. You can only go up from here and that's at your discretion
and how you approach things. Then you want to find joy in new things. So start a project,
make a hobby, travel if you're capable of doing so. All of those things will really
help you enjoy the new you that you're trying to reinvent here. And then strengthening your
(24:47):
relationship with your kids. Keep communication open. Let them talk about their feelings.
Even when it's hard to hear, you just have to let them get it out. And sometimes you
have to pull it out of them. You have to ask those those hard questions so they keep talking
until we can get to the root cause of it and make some commitments on on improving. Be
(25:11):
their rock. Kids need stability. You need to show them that they can count on you. We
talked way up there early on in the episode on how some of those things, you know, you
can you can do and then creating memories that last your time together is more valuable
than anything you can buy. So if you're spending all your time making sure that your kids can
(25:38):
can go out in public with matching socks and Nike outfits, you might need to reevaluate
where you're putting your focus. Again, just my opinion, but that time you're spending
with them is going to be more valuable than anything you can buy them. That's just the
(26:00):
fact of the matter. So in closing, if you take nothing else from this episode, really
just remember this, no matter what happens, you are still your child, children's dad,
father. There's no legal battle. There's no X no life circumstance. Nothing like that
(26:20):
can change it. So really, all you need to focus on is keep showing up, keep leading
with love and as always keep dad mode activated. Thanks everybody.
Welcome back to Dad Mode Activated, the podcast where we get real about fatherhood without
(00:17):
the fluff, without the sugarcoating, and definitely without pretending we've got it all figured
out. I'm your host, Matt, and today we're tackling a topic that hits home for so many
men out there, including myself, navigating fatherhood as a divorced or single dad. If
you're listening right now, I know you're the kind of dad who's showing up, who cares,
(00:41):
who's trying to be the best that he can be. And that right there, really, that's everything.
Because honestly, fatherhood is already a challenge. But when you add in divorce, separation,
custody battles, or the struggles of raising kids without a partner, that takes things
(01:01):
expert mode, I would say. I've been there. I know what it's like to go from seeing your
kids every day to really suddenly counting the hours until your next visit. I know the
gut punch feeling of missing milestones, of not being there for bedtime stories, if that's
(01:21):
your thing, of wondering if your kids are okay when they're not with you. And I know
the frustration. I really do. The way the system can sometimes feel stacked against
dads. The struggles of co-parenting when the other parent will cooperate, very familiar.
And the endless balancing act of being a great dad while also rebuilding your own life. It
(01:47):
can be quite the struggle or the juggling act or both. But here's what I want to tell
you today. You can do this. You can be a great dad. Even if your time with your kids is limited,
you can have an amazing relationship with them, even if you don't see them every single
day. And you can build a strong fulfilling life after divorce, one where you're thriving
(02:14):
and you're not just focusing on survival. So today we're really going to go deep on
a couple of topics. And here's what we're going to cover. So I've got six of them. And
they're listed, you know, the biggest challenges, single and divorced dads face, how to handle
(02:35):
custody, co-parenting and legal battles like a pro, how to stay connected with your kids,
even when they're not with you, how to manage finances. That one is super critical. And
even more critical is to take care of your mental health and rebuild your life. Next
up, we're going to go through when and how to introduce dating into the mix and then
(03:01):
how to move forward into a better, stronger future. So you're not just stuck in the same
spot. So if you're ready, if you're ready to take control of your fatherhood journey,
let's dive into it. So segment one, I've got titled as the reality of being a single or
divorced dad. And we're going to start right off the bat with the emotional tone. So jumping
(03:29):
in with something a lot of guys don't talk about is how hard this actually is. When you
first go through a divorce or breakup, they can feel like you've been hit by a truck,
meteor, an airplane, whatever's heavier. Everything you thought that was permanent, your home,
your routines, your family dynamic, it's suddenly different. There's a deep grieving process
(03:57):
that comes with that. And if you don't acknowledge it, it will hit you like a ton of bricks later.
For me, it wasn't just about losing a marriage. It was about losing time with my kids, losing
the little moments, helping with homework, making them breakfast, opening the box of
pop tarts, if that's what your thing was or helping them pour the cereal in the bowl
(04:21):
or the milk. Those are all important things. Hearing about their day. You know, you don't
get to do that every day anymore. And really, that's what so many dads struggle with. So
to be clear, it's okay to greet. It's okay to feel angry. It's okay to feel lost. What's
not okay is staying stuck there in that space. That part's not okay because it will get better.
(04:51):
And the truth is your kids still need you. They need a dad who is present, not broken.
And the best thing you can do for them is to work through your emotions in a healthy
way. So find an outlet. And this is going to be like dads don't shy away from this. It
(05:11):
could be therapy. That's a big deal. And if you're not doing it, even if you think everything
is perfectly fine, I would recommend it. Journaling, working out, talking to another dad or friend
or somebody who's been there some even if you have a friend that's, I think we all have
(05:31):
one right? Yes, man, someone who no matter what you say, no matter how crazy it is going
to be like, Yep, that doesn't make sense. You're right. It can be helpful sometimes,
not all the time. I wouldn't recommend going that route permanently. But to each their
end, avoid self destruction. So what I mean by that is drinking, numbing yourself, isolating
(05:58):
yourself, it might feel like it's easier. But that certainly doesn't help. And then remember,
you're still their dad. There's no legal battle. There's no divorce, no custody, no break up,
no schedule, whatever, that can change that. You're still bad. So now we're going to talk
(06:19):
a little bit about custody struggles, custody and visitation struggles. So for a lot of
dads, custody and visitation battles are the most painful part of the process, but it doesn't
have to be. So here's what I'll say. Know your rights. That's important. Know your rights.
Too many dads assume that the courts are automatically against them. So they don't fight as hard
(06:44):
as they should. But really, the truth is, you do have rights. And the more prepared you are,
the better your chances of getting fair time with your kids. I can speak from experience.
It is worth the effort as uncomfortable as it might be. It really only has to be uncomfortable
for one of you. And it doesn't have to be you. So tips for handling custody battles.
(07:09):
You really want to document everything. Keep record of your visits, communication, payments,
interactions, anything that could in theory affect custody. You want to make sure you
keep a document of that journaling. We talked about it a little bit further up there. That's
helpful. But I have some other tips along the way here. Stay professional. Judges want to
(07:34):
see stability. Now again, this is my opinion. They want to see stability. Never lose your
tempering court over text messages, emails. Oh boy. That is super critical. The transition
from text to email, if you aren't doing it already, do it. It makes it a lot easier to
manage. And then lastly, show up for everything. Now this could be subjective. I added it in
(08:00):
my notes simply because I thought it was important, especially in the beginning, school events,
doctor's appointments, parent-teacher meetings, blah, blah, blah. You make sure you're there.
When applicable. Over time, you know, for example, if you've had, if this is your third
kid going through the same school system and you know all the teachers and the principal
(08:22):
and all the rules and blah, blah, blah, then maybe it's not so important to go to a parent-teacher
meeting. You can send them a message. In this day and age, it works just as effectively.
Just my opinion. And if you're in the middle of a custody battle, you don't give up. You
know, don't give up. Your kids need you to fight for them. And you know, something to
(08:47):
keep in mind is the definition of fight for them. It doesn't have to include emotion.
It doesn't have to include the I'm right, you're wrong mentality. It just has to come
from a place of wanting to heal. I want what's best for them. And by influencing that, I
(09:09):
am doing what's best for you. Looking at the long term, playing the long game, having
the patience and understanding that you're really just trying to be there for your kids
and influencing the environment that they're in when they're not with you. It's just an
added bonus, but something that's worth doing for the long haul. So now we're going to talk
(09:32):
about co-parenting the good, the bad, and of course, the ugly, which lots of us are familiar
with. So if you've got an ex who's cooperative, good for you. That's great. But if you're
dealing with high conflict co-parenting, that's another beast entirely. Have you ever looked
at your phone? I mentioned emails earlier. If you ever looked at your phone and done
(09:55):
some kind of comparison, I've done it. I would throw the graph up here if I thought I wouldn't
get in trouble and look at the number of text messages you receive from your ex versus maybe
someone you're dating. Those might be kind of out of balance. Don't take my word for
it. It might be worth looking into. I bet you'd find some interesting results. Really,
(10:17):
the number one rule here for this section is to keep the focus on the kids. Don't engage
in drama. If your ex is combative, don't take the bait. Keep communication short, clear,
and respectful. Remember, it is very business-like in that you're negotiating. There's contracts.
There's court. There's money involved. All of those things. It would make sense to just
(10:42):
keep it professional and don't engage in the drama. I really want to sing praises about
co-parenting apps. I'm telling you, making the transition from text message to email
was huge. It was huge. But what was even more huge was making the leap from email to something
(11:05):
like our family wizard. That's what we use currently. It has been amazing. All of the
communication that you get, it has to be monitored. There's a little AI thing on there that'll
tell you, this is too aggressive. You won't be getting those, this is ridiculous, blah,
(11:28):
blah, blah, blah. You'll just get clear communication about something and you'll be able to respond
concisely about something in a very professional format. You don't have to worry about all
the emotion that comes with it because you don't own that. You own your emotion. But
we already talked about not jumping in on the drama, so just don't do it. Tools like
that will help you. They're not cheap and they're not free, but they are effective.
(11:54):
And lastly, never use your kids as messengers. They shouldn't really ever feel caught in
the middle. You don't want your child after you pick them up to say, when we get home,
I need to grab X, Y, and Z clothing because the other parent said so. You have to look
at them and be like, when did you wear that? Where is it? Is it under your bed? Did you
(12:21):
fold it and put it away? How stressful could that be trying to navigate that with your
child versus receiving that information from the other parent?
So now we're going to jump into the next segment. So staying connected with your kids. One of
the hardest parts of being a single dad is the distance. No matter what it is, it could
(12:48):
be right down the street. It could be 25 minutes away. You might not be right there for every
bedtime or school drop off, but that doesn't mean you can't have an incredible relationship
with your kids. And some of what I'm going to share is just assuming that kids have cell
phones now at whatever age. Obviously an eight month old or a toddler may not have a cell
(13:14):
phone. There are other ways to talk through it and we're going to get to that here in
just a moment. But really the focus should be on making every moment count. When you
have them, be fully present. No distractions, no work emails, just you and them. And then
create traditions that are yours, like solely yours, something that you guys do together.
(13:37):
And just some ideas. Just throwing them out there Sunday movie nights on Saturday. You
can make pancakes, do bedtime stories over FaceTime, if that's your thing, but whatever
makes your bond unique. And then be intentional with your conversations. Ask real questions.
How school going? What's the best thing that happened this week? Don't leave it open
(14:00):
and how was your day? Kids will just give you the good and you guys know that I'm right.
They'll just say good and then leave it at that. But you have to kind of get in there.
And kids remember those things. So when you ask the next time, you don't just get a,
yeah, it was good. It works. And then staying in touch when you're apart. You can do things
(14:22):
like text them every day. If that's your thing, a good morning, have a great day. It depends
on you know, your child's temperament and whether they think that's something they need
to have. You could send them voice notes, even a 10 second, I love you. I can't wait
to see you. Goes a long way. Something I haven't done personally, but is rather interesting
(14:44):
in one of the articles I was reading, you could just write a letter like real letters.
And I guess maybe I had underestimated that kids love getting real mail and it does create
lasting memories and then use technology wisely. If your kids love video games, mind you for
sure. They love video games, play together, play online together, set up scheduled FaceTime
(15:11):
calls to somehow coordinate that you guys are going to play Fortnite or something. And
then lastly, being a consistent presence. So keep your home predictable because really
kids thrive on routine. If your bedtime during a school day is 9 30, it's not really a negotiable.
(15:35):
Stick to 9 30. If on the weekends, it's 10 p.m. again, stick to 10 p.m. That way it will
save on any of the questions or any of the deviations or confusion that might come from
trying to navigate again to households, which I don't envy children having to do that. But
we could help them out a little by doing things just like that. And then be consistent. If
(15:59):
you say you're going to show up to something, you should probably be there, you know, keeping
your promises. Oddly enough, kids will remember those things. And then don't let distance
weaken your bond. The effort you put in today will certainly pay off in the future. I know
it is for me. Have the best relationship with my kids that I could have ever asked for.
(16:24):
So some of these tips that I'm talking through or things that I've done personally, except
for the writing letters, I should really try that. And then this next segment, we're going
to talk about managing finances and mental health. So handling finances after a divorce
is messy. And trying to budget on a single income, you really need to button down and
(16:45):
know where your money is going. Look at all the subscriptions, go through your bank account,
make sure you're reading every single line on where everything is going because you just
simply don't know until you put it all together. I ended up using a notebook when I was going
through this process and I was making like checklists. I have an iPhone. I would go
(17:05):
through and make on the notes app, like a checklist on there too. And as I was doing
things, I would check it off, you know, switch the phone plan or, or change the Netflix password.
Those are weird things that you don't think that you'd have to navigate, but they're
real. And then managing child support and alimony, every state is different. But making
(17:27):
sure you plan ahead and stay on top of those payments is really critical because some of
the penalties for that can be pretty excessive.
Cutting unnecessary expenses. So focusing on essentials while still making fun memories
with your kids. You don't have to door to ash every day. Cooking is fun. And I would
(17:48):
recommend it. It can actually be a good collaborative activity, but that's just one example, you
know, so cutting those unnecessary things out. Do you really need Disney plus and Netflix
at the same time? I don't know. That's a question you got to ask yourself.
So mental health. This one is huge for me. I think it's very critical for dads in general
(18:12):
to be able to handle stress and loneliness. So dealing with loneliness, finding hobbies,
can reconnect with old friends or your current friends, depending on how your dynamic works.
You can join support groups, you go to church, all of those things. It's really there are
no limits. And anyone that questions any of the activities that you're doing, you really
(18:34):
have to look back and say, okay, do I really need you around if this is how you're going
to approach me trying to get better?
The next one is avoiding self-destructive behavior. So drinking, isolation, excessive
work, I'm going to clear out all of this over time so I don't have to think about it. It's
(18:56):
not really helpful. And lastly, I said it a little bit ago, therapy is not a weakness.
Get the help you need because realistically, strong dads, the truly strong dads, not the
ones that are like, look at my clothes and strong dads, take care of their mental health.
(19:20):
I can't, I don't know how to emphasize that more because it is important.
Then we're going to talk about finding work-life balance or finding a work-life balance, create
a schedule that prioritizes your kids. Work realistically is always going to be there.
But your child or children's childhood, it won't. So, you know, I was talking to a dad
(19:44):
the other day about having to make sacrifices on your schedule or figure things out and
it might hold you back in the short term on where you're trying to go long term. But
really what is more important in that scenario? If you had to ask yourself.
And then set realistic goals for yourself. Rebuilding does take time. So you have to
(20:07):
be patient with yourself more so than anyone else. And surround yourself with positive
people. We talked a little bit about the yes man friend, right? The yes man friend is important.
The one that thinks that, yep, you know what, dad's messed up, you're right, every single
time is helpful in the short term. But long term, find folks that will support you, that
(20:29):
will lift you up, that will challenge you and say, hey, you know what, maybe how you
handle that's a little messed up. Because I think that has more value than any yeses
that you could get during a scenario just like this. And the fun one, dating as a single
back. So when do you start dating again? There's no right time. Only you know when you're ready.
(20:55):
No one, no one can tell you when you're ready. What you should focus on is healing first.
Everyone needs time to heal no matter what the circumstances are. Don't try to use a
new relationship to avoid dealing with either what you went through or what your past looks
like or what you're currently going through. And then ultimately be honest with yourself.
(21:17):
Are you looking for a serious relationship or just companionship? And those are two very
different things. Do you want a friend or do you want a long term friend? It's up for
debate. Balancing, dating and fatherhood. So your kids come first and a new partner should
(21:39):
compliment your life, not disrupt your parenting. You want to be upfront with dates, let them
know your dad, your kids are a priority and ultimately take it slow. You don't have to
rush into anything because balance truly is the key. And you're not going to get it right
on your first time unless you're incredibly lucky. And if you are by a lottery ticket,
(22:00):
that would be my recommendation. But if not, you'll keep trying until it's comfortable.
You're going to be upfront with them. You're going to take it slow and be like, Hey, I'm
a dad first. I want to go to that fancy steakhouse. But my child has acquired a performance.
I can't make it. Let them know those things and take it slow. They'll understand. And
(22:22):
if they don't, well, I think you have the answer on how long that's going to last. Probably
not long. You'd be right here listening to the show all over again. Maybe introduce
introducing someone new to your kids. You really want to wait until it's serious. So
don't introduce casual dates because ultimately kids do get attached quickly. And you want
(22:47):
to keep that first meeting simple. No pressure. Just a casual get together. For example, have
have dinner at home, wherever everyone is comfortable. No pressure. Make it casual and
kind of go from there. And then if you need to, if it's necessary, communicate with your
(23:08):
partner, with your ex, you know, if co-parenting is involved, depending on the circumstance,
discuss how introductions will happen. You know, for those that that didn't really get
a choice in how the introduction would happen. That's all right. You don't have to be angry
about it. We move on. We navigate. We change the dynamic and manage through it as best as
(23:29):
we can. For those that do have to make sure or that can have the conversation with their
ex to make sure introductions happen. Do that. And then the last segment, rebuilding
your life and moving forward. So creating a vision, a new vision for your life. You want
(23:52):
to set new goals and start asking yourself, what kind of dad, man, leader, do you want
to be? What type of person do I want to be? You can reinvent your whole self. And remember,
you know, folks might question that. People might question that, but that doesn't have
to stop you. And then redefining success. Your worth isn't based on your past. No matter
(24:18):
what happened, focus on growth. You can only go up from here and that's at your discretion
and how you approach things. Then you want to find joy in new things. So start a project,
make a hobby, travel if you're capable of doing so. All of those things will really
help you enjoy the new you that you're trying to reinvent here. And then strengthening your
(24:47):
relationship with your kids. Keep communication open. Let them talk about their feelings.
Even when it's hard to hear, you just have to let them get it out. And sometimes you
have to pull it out of them. You have to ask those those hard questions so they keep talking
until we can get to the root cause of it and make some commitments on on improving. Be
(25:11):
their rock. Kids need stability. You need to show them that they can count on you. We
talked way up there early on in the episode on how some of those things, you know, you
can you can do and then creating memories that last your time together is more valuable
than anything you can buy. So if you're spending all your time making sure that your kids can
(25:38):
can go out in public with matching socks and Nike outfits, you might need to reevaluate
where you're putting your focus. Again, just my opinion, but that time you're spending
with them is going to be more valuable than anything you can buy them. That's just the
(26:00):
fact of the matter. So in closing, if you take nothing else from this episode, really
just remember this, no matter what happens, you are still your child, children's dad,
father. There's no legal battle. There's no X no life circumstance. Nothing like that
(26:20):
can change it. So really, all you need to focus on is keep showing up, keep leading
with love and as always keep dad mode activated. Thanks everybody.
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