January 17, 2024 • 46 mins
Ever wondered how the perfect match is made? Join us with Anna Beavon, a pro in the matchmaking sphere, as we uncover the secrets behind crafting successful relationships. This enlightening conversation leads us through the fascinating nuances of emotional intelligence, the role it plays in understanding oneself and connecting with others, and how it all ties into matchmaking. Discover how Anna's personal experiences have shaped her perspective and helped her excel in the business of love.
Switching gears, let's explore how political affiliations can make or break relationships. The world of politics isn't restricted to just the governmental realm, it spills over into our personal lives too. Our discussion takes a deep dive into the importance of understanding each other's political beliefs and how they shape our world views. Anna shares her own preferences and how she navigates the politically charged dating scene.
Wrapping up, we tackle the gravity of alignment on life's key issues - money, religion, and children. We share a candid conversation on the dynamics of financial decisions, the internet's impact on relationships, and the need for open conversations about these crucial areas. Remember, it's not just about finding a partner, it's about understanding your worth and what you bring into a relationship. Tune in and walk away with a richer understanding of emotional intelligence, politics in dating, and the significance of alignment in relationships.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
My name is Valdin and I'm here today with Anna Bevin
and we're going to go through aprofile interview.
The purpose of the conversationis to learn more about Anna
Bevin and to assess what it isyou're looking for, and then
we'll talk around that a littlebit.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
I also think me being someone that is a single and
wants to find my person and thepurpose of our podcast about
good company Mm-hmm.
This conversation serves as anexample of what is it like to
talk to a matchmaker.
Where do we want to go withmatchmaking?
Break down some of the mysteryprovides some clarity for people
(00:39):
to realize.
Much like lawyers don't likewhen you watch law shows because
that's not real.
I'm sure matchmakers feel theexact same way about matchmaking
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
And, strangely enough , matchmaking is not on most
people's radar, like they'venever really thought about it.
And the ones who who've heardabout it, they have seen a
television show that.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
That's how they heard about it.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Yeah, exactly, and although there's a slight bit of
reality to that is television,so it has been embellished to be
more entertaining, right, andthey have a tendency to stretch
the truth around a lot of thethings that happen in the
matchmaking community.
With that being said, are yousingle, anna Bevin?
Speaker 2 (01:24):
I am.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
And are you interested in marriage?
Speaker 2 (01:27):
I am.
One would say I'd like to bemarried.
Have you been married before?
I have not been married before.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Do you have any children?
Speaker 2 (01:34):
I do not have children.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Would you like children?
I would, and how many kidswould you like?
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Hmm, I always thought three, just because my favorite
aunt has three kids, and so Ialways wanted to model my life
after hers, because she was justso perfect.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Yeah Well, I'll tell you what.
Let's start with who you are.
Would you characterize yourselfas an emotionally intelligent
person?
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Yes, okay.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
So tell me what that means to you.
What does it mean to beemotionally intelligent?
Speaker 2 (02:06):
I think that means to be able to read a room,
understand social cues and, onpersonal, one-on-one levels, be
able to connect with people,with where they are in a
circumstance, sort of amillion-esque you can mold and
(02:27):
morph yourself to be whatsomeone else needs you to be.
I think it's also asking whenyou're in a conflict or like a
work situation is obviously whatcomes to my mind first.
But when you're in thatsituation, be able to think
through what are some otherperspectives, what are some
(02:48):
outside factors that may beinfluencing this.
Not jumping to this is a thingthat went wrong and I've been
wronged, but what are somepotential perspectives that are
influencing a situation?
Okay, it's a really long answerto your question about
emotional intelligence.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
No, actually I asked that question because people
have different flavors of whatlike.
Very few people go read adefinition of what emotionally
and emotional intelligence is.
And even if they did, theyprobably find 10 different
answers.
Sure, if you ask 10 differentpeople to go look.
The only piece I'd like to addto that emotional intelligence
is also your ability to knowyourself.
(03:28):
Oh, self-awareness.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
Yeah, Self-awareness absolutely.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
Sure, and the reason that is very important because
in the context of relationships,you'll constantly be triggered
by things people, situations andso forth.
Right and if you don'tunderstand why you feel some of
the things that you feel youdon't know how to address your
(03:51):
feelings.
Sure yeah, and this is verycrucial in a man-woman dynamic,
right?
Because even today I've been ina marriage relationship for 12
years.
But even today I get triggered.
But I know enough about myself,I have the intelligence about
my emotions to know or to sayshe didn't do anything wrong.
You feel this way because ofsomething you, something's going
(04:14):
on with you.
Yeah, and let me give you agreat example.
I know we're talking about you,but let me give you a great
example.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
No, please interject yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
A great example is my wife might come to my office
and ask me a question aboutsomething, some random thing,
and I'm my brain space is overhere concentrating on a
something, yeah, right.
So if she comes in the room andshe asks me a question, or
maybe she just sits down andshe's chewing too loud, or
(04:44):
something like that, right.
Or the case may be, I might gettriggered but she doesn't know
where my brain space is only Iknow where my brain space is.
So I have to have thewherewithal to understand that
she didn't do anything wrong, soI don't snap at her and maybe I
can turn around and say to herhey, can you give me the space
because I need to focus whatever.
(05:04):
But to the point, along withyour definition of emotional
intelligence, the only thing Iwanted to add to that is
self-awareness is a very bigpart of that.
Yeah, so when we have theseinterviews, I can use a flow of
understanding.
I first want to know about you.
I want to know as much as I canabout you.
I want to understand how muchyou know about you.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
I'm constantly growing and evolving, so
hopefully I know a millionacceptable amount, a majority
amount.
I don't.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
So it's a relative thing.
Again this is explorationconversation, right, and I'm
just gotten you down the path.
I want to know about you, Iwant to know how much you know
about you.
Then we want to know about whatyou're looking for, or who
you're looking for, and thenwe're going to talk a little bit
about what you think thatperson is looking for, because
these are all parts of theformula to help me go find the
(05:54):
person that's right for you.
All right.
So, with that being said, Iasked the question do you feel
like you are an emotionallyintelligent?
Speaker 2 (06:01):
person.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
And your answer was yes.
And then we gave a definitionfor emotional intelligence.
Question for you how did youbecome emotionally intelligent?
Speaker 2 (06:11):
That's a good question.
I think my parents helped a lot.
They were good parents, likethey instructed, they
disciplined, they did the thingthat parents were supposed to do
.
I also have done a lot ofsupervisor training for work and
(06:37):
I think that's really helpedbroaden the language that I use
in talking about perceptionbeing reality and coming to the
table with my thoughts, but alsobeing willing to listen to
other people's perspective,because it's not just going to
be mine and it's not just goingto be theirs, it's going to be
somewhere in between.
But perception is reallyimportant when having any sort
(07:00):
of conversation, whether it'swith people who report to you,
people that you report tofriends, dynamic with family
members.
I think life has taught thatand sometimes it was nice and
(07:20):
sometimes it was the hard way.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Have you learned anything through again
specifically about emotionalintelligence?
Have you read any books or doneany assessments that might
contribute to your emotionalintelligence?
Speaker 2 (07:34):
About it because we're both in Enneagram 3.
I like that one the most.
I've done Strength Finders,myers-briggs the long time ago.
I don't really remember thatmuch about that one.
I think what I like about theEnneagram over the others is
that it talks about yourtriangle, so where you are
healthy and where you areunhealthy, and that has really
(07:55):
shed a lot of light on the way Ireact and why I react that way.
It helps put again additionallanguage around feelings.
That's the goal?
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Great answer Language around feelings.
Because I can tell you that'swhere a lot of people have
frustration, because they don'thave the language to communicate
to the woman how they feel orthey think.
She doesn't have the languageto communicate to the man how
she thinks and how she feels.
That's very important.
The tricky part is, if you wereto ask most people if they have
(08:27):
emotional intelligence, themajority would say yes, even
when they don't.
This is the reason why I digdeeper to say where did your
emotional intelligence come from?
For people who haven't readbooks and people who haven't
been in long-term meaningfulrelationships before and people
who haven't done assessments,you've got to give me something
to help me understand where thatintelligence comes from.
(08:49):
Otherwise, if you tell meyou're emotionally intelligent,
you've got nothing to qualifythat.
I know not to believe it.
I don't say that from anegative standpoint, but, again,
I'm trying to get to know them,so I have to understand what
I'm working with before we canmove forward.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
That's a great answer , thanks.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
You're emotionally intelligent.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Again, this is spectrum.
We learn and we grow.
You don't learn everythingabout yourself ever.
Only Facebook knows everythingabout us Tell me more about you.
What kind of work do?
Speaker 2 (09:22):
you do.
I run a political researchnonprofit and I am an
entrepreneur.
I find that those two are veryidentity confusion a lot of
times in trying to figure outhow do I describe myself.
Thank you, title or areadescribes me the most Right.
I haven't really landed on anactual answer yet.
(09:43):
So I to do a lot of things.
I like to start stuff.
I like to fix broken things notpeople, though.
I like to find new solutions toproblems.
This is where this podcast iscoming into play.
Yeah, I like being creative andI like being constantly
challenged.
I like thinking.
(10:04):
I like my days being different.
I like being valued for thatcontribution.
I feel like that part has to besaid.
The value of the contribution,whether it's on the
entrepreneurial side or thepolitical research nonprofit,
All of it contributes to alarger vision of something.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
Do you know what that larger vision is?
Speaker 2 (10:24):
No, I don't.
I knew as soon as I said thatyou were going to go in on it,
okay so let's talk aboutreligion.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
Where are you with religion?
Speaker 2 (10:34):
I am a religious person.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
What does that mean?
Speaker 2 (10:37):
Yeah, that's a good one.
I have a personal relationshipwith Jesus Christ, our Lord and
Savior, and so I am involved ina Bible study at church.
I co-lead a Bible study andlove that.
I am a member of a churchdowntown and love that
Denomination.
(10:57):
I've really been across theboard.
I grew up Baptist, went to aMethodist church for a little
while, my parents went to aPresbyterian church.
I'm a member of an Anglicanchurch, like literally all over
the spectrum, but the thingthat's consistent is that they
preach the word and it's aboutthe gospel.
So you consider yourself aChristian.
I do.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Okay, and how important is it that your person
be a Christian?
Speaker 2 (11:20):
Very important.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Okay, we'll come back to that.
Yeah, so let's talk aboutpolitics, because politics is a
very important part of datingand finding a person.
I remember 20, 30 years ago,when Jimmy Carter was actually
50 years ago, when Jimmy Carterwas president and Ronald Reagan.
In that era, couples could haveopposing political affiliations
(11:45):
because it didn't define whoyou were, or at least people
didn't consider it as somethingthat defines who you are Today.
That's different.
Yeah, because your politicalaffiliation to most people
defines who you are, and I don'tknow that I necessarily agree
that it defines who you are, butthat's the way people perceive
(12:05):
it.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
It's certainly a very strong data point in your
worldview.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
So, with that being said, today's climate is a
little bit different and, frommy perspective as a matchmaker,
I have to consider that becausewe've got a spectrum.
Also, just like religion,there's a spectrum in this whole
political thing.
There are people who arepolitical on the left side, but
they're not that strong about it, like they're not going to
argue with you about a point.
They'll just I'm okay, and let'skeep on going, and the same
(12:31):
thing with people on the rightside all the way over to the
other side of the spectrum.
I believe everything that'sgoing on the left, and you
better not disagree withanything that's going on the
left, for I believe everythingon the right and you better not
disagree.
So we know there's a spectrum,and I'm pointing that out to you
because I need you tounderstand that.
Those are the things that Iunderstand that have to be
considered also.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
Yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
So let's talk about Sure.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
Let's do.
I would characterize myself asa conservatarian, where I have
conservative ideology beliefs aswell as libertarian, and so
what that really means is I amfinding myself, as I get older,
a little more libertarian thanconservative, so that's where
the terry in comes in.
(13:12):
I believe that the governmentshould not be involved in our
lives.
The least amount of involvementby the government creates the
greatest opportunity for peopleto thrive and to define their
futures, increase their wealth,live a life that they want to
live, and that's where I comefrom.
I am a full believer in freemarket principles, and on a
(13:34):
personal level as well as abusiness, economic level, so is
your person?
Speaker 1 (13:39):
staunch, conservative or libertarian or liberal?
Speaker 2 (13:44):
Not liberal, not liberal.
I much like religion andpolitics.
They're not the same, but Ithink the way you view religion
in your life, the way you viewpolitics in your life, it
informs the worldview and howyou approach living out your
life.
Whether it is a what you thinka solution to a problem is, or
(14:09):
what you think is good versusbad, the tolerance and the
expectation, the role ofgovernment.
Is man inherently evil or good?
All of that comes back to aworldview and I think that
politics and religion providedata points on that worldview.
And I think marriage is hard.
Marriage is really hard.
You have two people who arecompletely different, regardless
(14:31):
of whether they have the samereligious beliefs or the same
political beliefs, and if youknow it's going to be hard, then
why would you start off withsome serious differences that
define your life and what youview as being important?
Speaker 1 (14:46):
That gives me enough space to understand who to
exclude from the conversation.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
Mostly liberals, In fact all liberals.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
Again, this is about giving me a roadmap to find the
right person for you, and that'sthe source of these type of
questions.
All right, let me ask you thisAre you ready for a relationship
?
Speaker 2 (15:05):
Yeah, I think so.
I say I think so because if Isaid yes, absolutely, I feel
like that would maybe excludeblind spots.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
But overall yes.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
In your heart, you feel like you're right.
Yes, yes.
Have you ever been in a longterm meaningful relationship
before?
Speaker 2 (15:25):
I think we should define long term.
I've not been in a relationshipover a year.
I would say I've experiencedthree seasons with someone, not
all four seasons.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
With one someone or more than one.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
Yeah, with one someone.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, that's fair.
So how many relationships haveyou been in Long term meaningful
relationships?
Speaker 2 (15:47):
Probably three.
I would say three, which is nota ton, but I feel like it's
enough to know myself and what Iwant moving forward as an adult
in the world.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
You said a very interesting thing Like going
back to the emotionalintelligence and the chameleon.
Have I ever met the real andthe bevin?
Speaker 2 (16:08):
Oh, I think you have, at this point, 100%.
Oh yeah, you see me be goofy.
You've seen me make fun of you.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
I've known it really.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Yeah, all of the versions that I present when I
do are not me.
They just are highlightingdifferent aspects that are
important for different spaces.
Okay, yeah, and I think allpresentations are like that
whenever you present in front ofpeople.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Now that we know more about you and a bevin, tell me
what you're looking for in yourperson.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
The younger version of myself would give you a list
of specific things, like heasked me an athlete, he asked me
tall, he asked to have darkhair because I would like tilt
your arm with dark hair for yourdegree or a doctor.
Things like that, I think,don't actually get to the heart
of who a person is, but theymore are the things that you can
(17:00):
see immediately or can get toin a shallow conversation.
I am really looking for someoneto think with me, and what I
mean by that is I am a creativeperson who wants to continue to
be creative.
I think that there are somerules that are meant to be
broken.
I think that there are someprocesses that can be adjusted
(17:23):
and changed and new things canhappen.
If you don't think broadly oropen yourself up to thinking in
a new way or challenging astatus quo, then you're never
going to actually get there, andso you'll live in a box.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
So let's stop there for a minute, because you said a
lot of things that didn't getclose enough to an answer.
For instance, you're lookingfor a creative.
What does that mean to you?
Speaker 2 (17:52):
I think what that really means is I don't want
someone who speaks in absolutesconstantly.
That isn't a dreamer.
I want someone who like had,values family and is from a
together home.
I want someone who valuessitting around a dining room
(18:12):
table and laughing and wants tomake memories.
These are not describingabsolute people and the way that
they look, but it's moredescribing a feeling and things
that will last Over the years.
I've really tried to describeto myself and be honest about
what's the kind of person that Iwant to live forever with, and
(18:33):
describing the things like.
You can't change a person.
You can change guys clothes,but you cannot change their core
, and having someone that valuesfamily, has the same viewpoint
of the world whether from apolitical perspective or a
religious one and wants to growand better themselves they have
(18:56):
a growth mindset over a fixedmindset is probably another way
of saying that.
That's really important.
That's a really greatfoundation to start off on like
the hardest thing you'll ever do.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
So go back to the creative part.
I'm not sure if I understoodwhat you meant by creative.
They need to be creative.
I know what you mean because Iknow you well enough to know
what creativity is.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
I think what I mean by creative is more is really
just a growth mindset over afixed mindset, and it's not
creative in the sense of and Iuse creative as a catch all word
because that seems to be whatpeople understand Because if you
say growth over a fixed mindset, people are going to look at
you like you've listened to waytoo many Harvard Business Review
idea casts, because I have soyou mean creative about life,
(19:41):
not necessarily being a creative.
Correct.
That's probably a better way ofsaying that.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
Okay, let's talk about the list.
What's the age range of yourperson?
Speaker 2 (19:51):
I would accept younger and older.
My parents are 13 years apart,so I've seen a lot of older
dynamic in a relationship wheremy dad is 13 years older than my
mom and I don't dislike that.
I used to always think that Iwould be with someone who's
older.
I also don't dislike younger.
Now we're not going to go 13years younger in that same
(20:13):
spectrum.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
Give me your age.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
I'll probably go 30 to 42.
Okay, yeah, we'll say thatspecific age range of randomness
.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
Listen.
So I understand that those arejust guard rights.
Correct, you're a creativeperson, right, and you're open.
So I understand that those arejust parameters.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
We're not going to go to 24.
That's too far.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
I get it, yeah, I get it, yeah, all right, so how
tall is he?
Speaker 2 (20:42):
He is taller than 5'10".
Speaker 1 (20:44):
So if he was 5'8" is that a deal breaker for you?
Speaker 2 (20:48):
It would have to be like a tall 5'8", Because some
people look short at 5'8" andsome people look tall at 5'8".
You know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
That's a real thing.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
I don't wear a ton of heels anymore these days.
No one does.
After COVID, we're all justtrying to make kicks work in all
of our outfits.
What I'm trying to understand,I know, if he's a great guy and
he's 5'8", am I going to turnthat away because he's 5'8"?
The answer is probably no, butI would like him to be taller.
(21:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
So I don't have the statistics with me right now,
but most women want a guy that's6' tall or taller.
That's a very low percentage ofthe male population.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
Right.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Yeah, a very low percentage of the male
population, and I think theaverage male height is at 5'9"
5'9" is okay, that's an inch.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
That's not going to really feel like that much, but
I am a tall person how tall areyou again I?
Am 5'10".
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
And so I think, because I am a tall person, like
I don't want to look like atower.
Proportional looks are nice.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
And I understand, I understand Again.
I just need to get thatinformation down because I want
to bring you the best optionspossible.
Speaker 2 (21:59):
Right.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
Yes, yes, okay.
So let's talk about appearance.
What's on your list forappearance with a guy?
Speaker 2 (22:08):
Hair, facial hair.
Give me more Like a head ofhair and a good 5' o clock
shadow.
Okay, yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
You like full beards.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
I do like full beards , but I like the 5' o clock
shadow more.
How about the goatee?
No goatee.
I knew you were going to askthat question and I'm going to
jump to no, absolutely not,that's.
It's either full nothing or 5'o clock shadow.
This is the part where I getreally judgmental.
Thank you, I love this.
This is fantastic.
What about the full mustache?
(22:37):
Nope, nope, just nope.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Okay, I love this is fun for you.
These are real conversationsthat behind.
Listen from a matchmaker'sperspective.
This conversation is normallyheld behind closed doors, yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Not for us, no.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
And no one is privy to this information except your
matchmaker and the professionalsthat he or she works with.
Yeah, so I do understand thatfor the most part, this might
sound like a judgmentalconversation If you were outside
looking in.
Everybody is judgmental when itcomes to finding their person
True.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
Absolutely Everyone.
If they're not, they're lying.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
Absolutely Everyone is judgmental when it comes to
finding their person, andrightfully so.
We have to discern what's rightfor us if it's our goal to be
happy for the rest of our lives.
So don't feel bad about that,and I say this to everyone that
I talk to Don't feel bad aboutyour preferences.
Don't feel bad about yourrequirements.
(23:37):
Don't feel bad about yournon-negotiables.
You can't feel bad about thosethings.
Yeah, Now in the course ofconversation, there may be some
situations where I might have tomove you off of your
preferences if I feel like it'snot beneficial to the outcome
that you're looking for.
Right, but then that requiresadditional conversation because
you have to buy into that ideaAlso.
(23:58):
I can't just tell you that don'tlike that.
Right, I have to let idea toyou.
Anyway, the purpose of memaking that statement is twofold
.
Number one I don't want you tofeel bad about your preferences,
thank you.
I don't want you to feeljudgmental about that.
So what else do you want me toknow about your person?
Speaker 2 (24:15):
Athletic.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
What does that mean?
Speaker 2 (24:17):
That means that they have played sports and were good
athletes, and doesn'tnecessarily have to be.
They played in college.
But athletic, I would likeathletic children.
I think I would cry if I didn'thave athletic children OK.
Yeah, real judgmental here.
There are things I like.
I don't really want to go to alot of ballet, I'd rather go to
(24:39):
tennis.
I grew up on going with mybrother to his baseball stuff.
After my softball stuff Iplayed softball in college.
My brother played baseball incollege.
We're the athletic kids.
We don't have any.
We have no musical abilitieswhatsoever.
My other cousins do, but wedon't.
Ok.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
I was going to ask you why athletic?
But now I understand, becauseyou want your kids to be
athletic.
So I'm not going to put that inthe deal breaker column that's
going to go under preferencecolumn, because I can perceive I
could fathom the idea that youcould find a non athletic person
and end up with athletic kids.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
Yes, yeah, you could do that.
Yeah, I also just feel likesports really help build
character and they're greatbreeding grounds for resilience
and conflict resolution and justlots of things.
You need to be a functioningadult.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
Absolutely so.
That's a lot of why I likesports.
Let's talk about finances.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
Let's do Tell me about the financial situation of
your person.
And before you answer thatquestion, when you get married,
do you plan to work?
Yes, I do you plan to workbecause you have to or because
you want to?
Speaker 2 (25:53):
Because I want to.
It brings me joy and I feelfulfilled.
Also, I just can't imagine notlike I like lots of projects and
lots of things.
That's fair, yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
So tell me a little bit of a tinkerer, yeah, so tell
me about his financialsituation.
Speaker 2 (26:09):
I would say that I'd like him to be financially
stable and be planning for thefuture on his own.
Have he's heard of a 401k andhas one, possibly even a Roth?
Like just making smartdecisions for his future?
Yeah, I don't think henecessarily has to own a home.
(26:32):
I don't think that he has tohave five homes but can afford
to go on dates.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
I characterize that as a financially grown up man.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
Yes, I think that's yeah, financially grown up man.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
Yeah, that's good.
I thought that was going toturn into a long conversation
about a whole bunch of things,but you made that one easy.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
Well, because I think if you think about it or the
way that, if you were in agrowth mindset and you are
growing and you're betteringyourself, you're going to
improve from where you are likeI'm not close to death or
retirement I don't really knowabout death, but let's hope not.
I'm not close to retirement andI want to keep working.
(27:18):
I imagine that he will too, andtwo incomes is better than one,
and I think that will justafford different opportunities.
I think he'll grow.
I'd like him to continue togrow and want to be better than
he was the day before.
And meeting him now and at theage of the guy also like where
he fits into the story.
(27:39):
And his age matters too.
Right, if you're just now afinancial grown up at 45, that's
not a good sign, yeah, so it'svariable on on on age Now, after
you have kids yeah, you stillwant to work.
At that point I would like tohave sold a company or two and I
(28:02):
will define when I work andwhen I don't work.
That's why I am pushing andtrying a lot of things now and
stretching my entrepreneurialmuscles now so that I can have
the ability to have the futurethat I want the way that I want
it down the road, because I'dlike to be a mom and I'd like to
(28:23):
be able to to take them ontrips to go see things that
they're reading about in historybooks.
Just have a fun life, live itand make memories and have the
opportunity to do that.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
Okay, yeah.
So that's a pretty clearpicture to me and, quite
honestly, it doesn't feel likeyou're too constrained in that
area.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
I feel pretty good about it yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
And my takeaway from that is that you want a
financially grown up man, let metell you a small story, so I
did premarital counseling beforeI got married.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
And in that premarital counseling.
Speaker 1 (28:58):
The pastor gave me these five things to think about
and he used an acronym, smerc,and that stands for sex money.
He said intangibles.
I'm going to change that tointernet and I'll tell you what
that means.
Okay, r is religion and kids.
So S-M-I-R-K Sex money,internet, religion, kids.
(29:22):
The conversation is about areyou in alignment with the person
on those five things?
And this conversation has to behad with people, because you'd
be surprised at how many peoplehaven't thought about those five
things.
And these five things, arguably, are the most important things
in a relationship.
Sure, yeah, I totally agree.
Yeah, you have to be inalignment on sex, whatever that
(29:43):
is, whatever your place is Nowmy place to judge where you are
on that just have to be inalignment.
Money you have to be inalignment on money.
Some would argue that's themain reason why most people
break Internet.
Let's talk about internet for amoment.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
Let's do.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
Internet is my way, in this day and age, to talk
about how do we handle the worldof communication, social media,
cell phones and that sort ofthing.
And let me give it a little bitmore, because we live in a day
and age.
Only thing I have to compare itto my life on the other side of
the internet.
I didn't have to have aconversation with my person
about whether they haveauthorization to pick up my
(30:19):
phone and use it.
Do they have access to thepassword on my phone?
Do they have access to my email?
Do they have access to myFacebook?
How we're gonna handle socialmedia.
Do we do social media together?
Speaker 2 (30:31):
Do we have internet, oh yeah, interesting.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
All of these things, that people don't put thought
into these things before theysay, hey, I'm gonna rest in my
life with this person.
And again, it is not my placeto judge what your decisions
should be around those things.
It is my place to bring theconversation up to you and
understand how you feel aboutthese things Sex, money,
(30:53):
internet, religion and kids.
So out of those five things,what which is the most important
to you to be in alignment on?
There's no right or wronganswer to that question.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
I would probably say religion.
Speaker 1 (31:05):
Okay.
And second, because if you'renot in alignment with religion
is what you're saying thenthat's a deal breaker.
Like I don't even wanna talk toyou.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
Kids.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
Okay, kids.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
Yeah, I'd like to have them.
I could not be with someone whodoesn't wanna have kids.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
Got it.
So they have to be in alignmenton religion and they have to be
in alignment with kids.
Now that kids conversation is abigger conversation, right?
Because?
Even if they wanna have kids,we gotta talk about how we're
gonna raise the kids.
Speaker 2 (31:30):
Oh yeah, that's a much larger will they believe in
Santa Claus.
Santa Claus, I knew you weregonna bring up Santa Claus.
Speaker 1 (31:37):
But you get that.
And here again, I'm bringingthis conversation up because I
want you to think about thesefive things, and the order of
importance is not a right orwrong answer.
It just helps me to understandwhere your priorities are Right.
So we know religion, kids.
What's the most important afterkids?
Between sex, money, internet.
And again, remind you to be inalignment on those things.
(32:00):
To be in alignment about sex,to be in alignment about money,
to be in alignment about theinternet.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
So I would probably go from that order.
If we're gonna work down, Iwould go probably sex money
internet.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
And it could be that I haven't really thought that
much about the internet piece orthat I am a pretty decently
trusting person.
I imagine that there would be ajoint email account that also
has a joint calendar, where youcan have a joint calendar, that
is, your calendar together, soyou don't have to have the
(32:36):
confusion that my parents haveabout what's on the calendar or
what's not on the calendar, butalso I think my accounts would
stay, my accounts, I wouldencourage you to think more
about it, but you know how youfeel about it.
Speaker 1 (32:48):
How would you feel if I brought you a person?
And he said to you my phone isoff limits.
Don't touch my phone.
Speaker 2 (32:56):
I think that would just be weird.
Like what?
Why can't I touch your phone?
Yeah, and again that brings upa whole other host of questions.
Does that mean that there'spart of your life that I don't
know?
Right, I like pick it up or putit down, it's just.
I think it's more weird thatyou would say something about it
, right.
Speaker 1 (33:14):
Again, the whole point of the conversation is
that I feel like, and the workthat I do I feel like it is
important to at least be inalignment, whatever that is.
But you have to understand whatthat alignment is before you
get into a marriage with aperson, not after.
And that's just that's one ofthose landmines that people just
don't pay attention to, likethey don't think that it even
(33:36):
matters to have thisconversation before we get
married.
Again my thing is consider beingin alignment about that person.
The sex is easy, like we don'teven have to talk about that,
and if you're sexually aligned,that's important.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
Totally, totally understand that.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
Money.
With regard to money, do youbelieve in separate bank
accounts or?
Speaker 2 (33:57):
joint bank accounts, both, which is not really your
answer, but I'm gonna say both.
I think a joint for sure, butalso I think separate, for
because at this point I'm notstarting a bank account with,
I'm not first being introducedto bank accounts and then being
getting married the next day,right, I've had.
It's really annoying to closebank accounts, so I think it's
(34:19):
okay to keep it.
It's not to keep something away, it's mainly just for an ease
of use scenario.
I have several different bankaccounts for different purposes,
and I don't really see thosepurposes going away when I get
married.
Right, I'm just seeing anexpansion, and so, in addition,
yeah, so that answers thequestion.
Speaker 1 (34:40):
Again, there are no right or wrong answers to that
question.
It's just that as your guide, Iwanna make sure that you
consider those five things,because they're very important.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
Yeah, I also don't anticipate or ever planning on
asking if I can spend money onsomething that because I have a
job and I am earning money and Iam.
If it is a joint, largerpurchase, like a new couch, then
that would.
I don't know.
This whole like askingpermission to spend money A lot
(35:11):
of women will talk about oh,he's gonna be so upset when he
looks at the bank account.
No, no, that's not.
That will not be therelationship that I have.
My parents do not have thatrelationship at all.
My mom has a separate account,my dad has a separate account
and then they also have a jointaccount together.
That's not to say that it's mymoney versus your money, but I'm
just not gonna ask permission.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
So, again, you do understand that this is just
about making sure you're inalignment with the person Right.
Yes, and now that I understandmore about the dynamic that
you're looking for, maybe I canhave that conversation with the
prospectant, and I can.
It's not a deal breaker.
The only reason I say it's nota deal breaker because, let's
say, he thinks something totallydifferent, but that's something
that's negotiable right,Totally yeah.
(35:53):
It's just that before you guysmake the move, you gotta make
sure you're in alignment aboutthose five things anyway, so
that's good for thatconversation.
I just so.
This helps me because now Iknow about you.
I know how much you know aboutyourself.
Now we know a little bit abouthim and you've clearly had some
thinking or done some workaround some important areas of
(36:15):
being aligned.
What do you think the type ofguy that you want is looking for
?
Speaker 2 (36:21):
My first answer would be hopefully me.
I think my second answer isstill hopefully me.
I don't know what.
Break that down.
Expand on that.
Speaker 1 (36:30):
So, now that we know about you and we know about him
in your heart and mine, tell mewhat is it that you have to
offer a man in the context of alifelong marriage.
Speaker 2 (36:42):
Man, it's weird to think about yourself as like a
commodity and as a product.
Speaker 1 (36:47):
Understood, but let me put a little more on it.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
Because, again, in my conversations with people, I
want them come out of themselvesand a lot of times I consider
them the seller.
Right In the context of usingreal estate as a metaphor, I'm
the seller and there's a buyer.
What is that buyer looking for?
And, as a seller, what do Ihave to offer that buyer?
(37:12):
Because men will ask thatquestion.
These days, the question thatcomes up for women is what do
you have to offer?
This is how it's generallyworded.
Speaker 2 (37:22):
What do you?
Speaker 1 (37:22):
bring to the table.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
Sure, yeah, that's a.
Speaker 1 (37:25):
And it's a very off-putting question to women.
But the problem is 90% of thewomen that attempt to answer
that question don't have ananswer for that question, and
I'm not suggesting that youshould entertain that question.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
What I'm suggesting is that you think about it and
you have an answer for it.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, thatmakes sense.
Speaker 1 (37:47):
I would say my humor, my family, my drive, my
compassion, it's more important,that you have thought about
what you have to offer, becausemost people only think about
what they're looking for theother person to bring and they
(38:08):
don't spend any time thinkingabout what they have to offer.
Again, let's put aside who'sasking the question and why
they're asking the question Meas your matchmaker and your
dating coach, your relationshipcoach and your guide.
I just need to know that you'vespent some time and you've
(38:28):
taken some inventory about whatit is that you have to offer
someone in a relationship,because, again, my duty is on
both sides of the equation.
When I go talk to a guy, he mayask me what does she have to
offer?
Not in those words, but theconversation may lead there.
Speaker 2 (38:46):
What are?
Speaker 1 (38:46):
the pros and cons and again, even though you may be
my client, I have to bring yousomebody that's qualified and if
you don't meet his requirements, then he doesn't qualify for
that question.
Speaker 2 (39:01):
No, I mean, I think that, yeah, I find it so hard to
not go until it's superficial.
Here's my long list of thingsthat I have.
So please find them good.
That's mentally where I go towhen you say what do you have to
offer?
I like order, I like schedules.
I like also being spontaneous.
I love surprises.
I am a nice person to get alongwith.
I wake up nicely, I'm not grumpy.
(39:22):
In the morning, I like to haveone cup of coffee and it's black
.
You don't have to learn thatmuch about me.
It's really super easy.
If you bring me coffee, I willlove you forever.
Just, it feels less.
It feels more needy.
And try to think through,please find it valuable, what I
am.
And I think, when I meetsomebody and I have
(39:44):
conversations with them, thatI'm running through that filter
like one.
Yes, do I like them?
Do I find them attractive?
Do I want to spend time?
Do I care about the answers totheir questions?
Do I find myself being curiousabout what?
Could I next ask them?
Are they curious about me or dothey only talk about themselves
?
Yes, you're running through allof that at the same time, but
(40:05):
it's also am I like what do theywant.
Am I close to that?
Because if I'm not close tothat, then I don't want to keep
having a conversation, becausethat's a waste of all of our
time.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
With regard to your answer to the question what is
he looking for?
What do you bring to the tableor what do you have to offer in
a long-term, meaningfulrelationship?
Those things that you listed?
Are they important to men?
Speaker 2 (40:32):
I don't know that answer.
Speaker 1 (40:33):
So and I think that's the part where men and women
are just very differentAbsolutely, and I listen
intently to the answer because Iknow what's important to men
and most of the things that youlist are not important to me.
No, no, and that's okay that Ilisten to your answers and those
were great answers but what Ido is I automatically put myself
in the shoes of the guy and Ihave a conversation with him and
(40:55):
let's just say he asked me thequestion what does she bring to
the table?
And I gave him that list.
I know he would be totally notinterested in that list of
things that she gave.
This is a part of theconversation where the guy me as
the guy comes in, because Iunderstand the dynamics on both
sides If I was to ask him whathe brings to the table and he
(41:15):
gave me his list.
Men know much better than womenwhat women want with regard to
that list.
Speaker 2 (41:22):
Sure, yeah, I believe that.
Speaker 1 (41:23):
And where the confusion comes in is that women
know what they want from men,but the things that make men
valuable to a relationship arenot the same things that make
women valuable in the context ofa relationship.
Okay, yep, but women don't knowthat.
Like women, let me tell yousomething.
The demographic that I talk tothe most are older women,
(41:48):
generally 40 and between 40 and55.
I talk to all ages, all races,all affiliations, but I have a
tendency to talk to thatdemographic the most, and one of
the things that they'll say tome is, when we have this
particular conversation, they'llsay, hey, I have my own house
and I have my own car and I cantake care of myself.
And I say to them that's good,but don't use those as selling
(42:10):
points.
And then they will turn aroundand say to me but I would think
that a guy would be happy toknow that I can take care of
myself and he would.
He absolutely would.
But that's not what sells himon being in a relationship with
you.
So let's talk about a woman andwhat she finds valuable.
His height is in there, hisability we're gonna say income,
(42:32):
which I try to describe as hisability to gain resources and
don't care about that.
Now again, this conversation iscontextual also because if you
were to ask a regular guy making$20, 30, $40,000, if he cares
what kind of education and howmuch money she makes, he would
say yes.
But if I was talking to thatguy, I would say to him explain
(42:53):
to me the type of woman that youwant.
And he might say she's educated.
He might say she makes sexamount of dollars.
He might say she has her ownhouse and car.
He might say those things but,that's because of his situation.
If I turn around and ask thatsame guy if I put $18 million in
your bank account now tell mewhat kind of woman you are.
None of that stuff would comeup.
He would tell me what kind ofwoman he wants, but you get what
(43:17):
I'm saying.
So the only reason I broughtthat up, the only reason I
brought that whole conversationup, is because when-.
Speaker 2 (43:23):
My answers are completely wrong.
Your answers are not wrong,absolutely not wrong.
Speaker 1 (43:27):
So there's no right or wrong answers to it.
It's just the way it is.
Most women don't know thisright and most women will push
back on this conversation.
And the reason they'll pushback on the conversation?
Because imagine you were a 40year old woman and you've never
been married before and you gotall this education and you're
all successful in the job.
You don't want to hear somebodysay men don't care about that.
(43:50):
Like you don't want to hearanybody say that and it's a
sensitive conversation, cause Itry to have that conversation
with empathy.
But this is where a lot offrustration comes in, with women
specifically, cause again,people understand men, what
makes men valuable?
Speaker 2 (44:06):
Cause talk about it all the time, how much money it
makes, how big he is, yeah, Well, if you go to a gym any gym
they're largely dominated by menand it's you can tell guys
based on if they're married orsingle, by how they work out.
Yeah, oh yeah, single guys onlywork out their upper bodies,
(44:27):
only work out their upper bodies.
Married guys will do a totalbody workout that will be like
45 minutes to an hour andthey're out.
Single guys will be there forhave their like protein shakes,
their like workout bag, theirjournal.
They got to track that upperbody workout because arms are
notoriously really important forwomen.
(44:48):
I also find them to be veryimportant because I, as I've
said to you many times before,when, like describing the guy
which I didn't say in this cause, I was trying to be like, more
descriptive than win in a barfight.
That's my type of guy.
Wins in a bar fight?
Intellectually, sure, thatwould be great, like, definitely
(45:09):
, please.
But physically, win in a barfight.
Speaker 1 (45:12):
I'm not asking you to start it, I just want you to
know that you could, you could,you could do it.
Speaker 2 (45:18):
So single guys work out their upper bodies Anyway,
anyway.
Speaker 1 (45:21):
so thank you for your time today.
I really appreciate your candorand hopefully the people get
get something from thisconversation.
Yeah definitely All right untilnext time.
Speaker 2 (45:34):
Thank you again, anna Bevin and it's my pleasure,
happy to open up my mind andheart.
My name is Valdin and I'm here today with Anna Bevin
and we're going to go through aprofile interview.
The purpose of the conversationis to learn more about Anna
Bevin and to assess what it isyou're looking for, and then
we'll talk around that a littlebit.
Speaker 2 (00:18):
I also think me being someone that is a single and
wants to find my person and thepurpose of our podcast about
good company Mm-hmm.
This conversation serves as anexample of what is it like to
talk to a matchmaker.
Where do we want to go withmatchmaking?
Break down some of the mysteryprovides some clarity for people
(00:39):
to realize.
Much like lawyers don't likewhen you watch law shows because
that's not real.
I'm sure matchmakers feel theexact same way about matchmaking
Absolutely.
Speaker 1 (00:50):
And, strangely enough , matchmaking is not on most
people's radar, like they'venever really thought about it.
And the ones who who've heardabout it, they have seen a
television show that.
Speaker 2 (00:59):
That's how they heard about it.
Speaker 1 (01:00):
Yeah, exactly, and although there's a slight bit of
reality to that is television,so it has been embellished to be
more entertaining, right, andthey have a tendency to stretch
the truth around a lot of thethings that happen in the
matchmaking community.
With that being said, are yousingle, anna Bevin?
Speaker 2 (01:24):
I am.
Speaker 1 (01:25):
And are you interested in marriage?
Speaker 2 (01:27):
I am.
One would say I'd like to bemarried.
Have you been married before?
I have not been married before.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
Do you have any children?
Speaker 2 (01:34):
I do not have children.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Would you like children?
I would, and how many kidswould you like?
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Hmm, I always thought three, just because my favorite
aunt has three kids, and so Ialways wanted to model my life
after hers, because she was justso perfect.
Speaker 1 (01:50):
Yeah Well, I'll tell you what.
Let's start with who you are.
Would you characterize yourselfas an emotionally intelligent
person?
Speaker 2 (01:59):
Yes, okay.
Speaker 1 (01:59):
So tell me what that means to you.
What does it mean to beemotionally intelligent?
Speaker 2 (02:06):
I think that means to be able to read a room,
understand social cues and, onpersonal, one-on-one levels, be
able to connect with people,with where they are in a
circumstance, sort of amillion-esque you can mold and
(02:27):
morph yourself to be whatsomeone else needs you to be.
I think it's also asking whenyou're in a conflict or like a
work situation is obviously whatcomes to my mind first.
But when you're in thatsituation, be able to think
through what are some otherperspectives, what are some
(02:48):
outside factors that may beinfluencing this.
Not jumping to this is a thingthat went wrong and I've been
wronged, but what are somepotential perspectives that are
influencing a situation?
Okay, it's a really long answerto your question about
emotional intelligence.
Speaker 1 (03:05):
No, actually I asked that question because people
have different flavors of whatlike.
Very few people go read adefinition of what emotionally
and emotional intelligence is.
And even if they did, theyprobably find 10 different
answers.
Sure, if you ask 10 differentpeople to go look.
The only piece I'd like to addto that emotional intelligence
is also your ability to knowyourself.
(03:28):
Oh, self-awareness.
Speaker 2 (03:29):
Yeah, Self-awareness absolutely.
Speaker 1 (03:30):
Sure, and the reason that is very important because
in the context of relationships,you'll constantly be triggered
by things people, situations andso forth.
Right and if you don'tunderstand why you feel some of
the things that you feel youdon't know how to address your
(03:51):
feelings.
Sure yeah, and this is verycrucial in a man-woman dynamic,
right?
Because even today I've been ina marriage relationship for 12
years.
But even today I get triggered.
But I know enough about myself,I have the intelligence about
my emotions to know or to sayshe didn't do anything wrong.
You feel this way because ofsomething you, something's going
(04:14):
on with you.
Yeah, and let me give you agreat example.
I know we're talking about you,but let me give you a great
example.
Speaker 2 (04:20):
No, please interject yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:22):
A great example is my wife might come to my office
and ask me a question aboutsomething, some random thing,
and I'm my brain space is overhere concentrating on a
something, yeah, right.
So if she comes in the room andshe asks me a question, or
maybe she just sits down andshe's chewing too loud, or
(04:44):
something like that, right.
Or the case may be, I might gettriggered but she doesn't know
where my brain space is only Iknow where my brain space is.
So I have to have thewherewithal to understand that
she didn't do anything wrong, soI don't snap at her and maybe I
can turn around and say to herhey, can you give me the space
because I need to focus whatever.
(05:04):
But to the point, along withyour definition of emotional
intelligence, the only thing Iwanted to add to that is
self-awareness is a very bigpart of that.
Yeah, so when we have theseinterviews, I can use a flow of
understanding.
I first want to know about you.
I want to know as much as I canabout you.
I want to understand how muchyou know about you.
Speaker 2 (05:26):
I'm constantly growing and evolving, so
hopefully I know a millionacceptable amount, a majority
amount.
I don't.
Speaker 1 (05:32):
So it's a relative thing.
Again this is explorationconversation, right, and I'm
just gotten you down the path.
I want to know about you, Iwant to know how much you know
about you.
Then we want to know about whatyou're looking for, or who
you're looking for, and thenwe're going to talk a little bit
about what you think thatperson is looking for, because
these are all parts of theformula to help me go find the
(05:54):
person that's right for you.
All right.
So, with that being said, Iasked the question do you feel
like you are an emotionallyintelligent?
Speaker 2 (06:01):
person.
Speaker 1 (06:01):
And your answer was yes.
And then we gave a definitionfor emotional intelligence.
Question for you how did youbecome emotionally intelligent?
Speaker 2 (06:11):
That's a good question.
I think my parents helped a lot.
They were good parents, likethey instructed, they
disciplined, they did the thingthat parents were supposed to do
.
I also have done a lot ofsupervisor training for work and
(06:37):
I think that's really helpedbroaden the language that I use
in talking about perceptionbeing reality and coming to the
table with my thoughts, but alsobeing willing to listen to
other people's perspective,because it's not just going to
be mine and it's not just goingto be theirs, it's going to be
somewhere in between.
But perception is reallyimportant when having any sort
(07:00):
of conversation, whether it'swith people who report to you,
people that you report tofriends, dynamic with family
members.
I think life has taught thatand sometimes it was nice and
(07:20):
sometimes it was the hard way.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Have you learned anything through again
specifically about emotionalintelligence?
Have you read any books or doneany assessments that might
contribute to your emotionalintelligence?
Speaker 2 (07:34):
About it because we're both in Enneagram 3.
I like that one the most.
I've done Strength Finders,myers-briggs the long time ago.
I don't really remember thatmuch about that one.
I think what I like about theEnneagram over the others is
that it talks about yourtriangle, so where you are
healthy and where you areunhealthy, and that has really
(07:55):
shed a lot of light on the way Ireact and why I react that way.
It helps put again additionallanguage around feelings.
That's the goal?
Speaker 1 (08:06):
Great answer Language around feelings.
Because I can tell you that'swhere a lot of people have
frustration, because they don'thave the language to communicate
to the woman how they feel orthey think.
She doesn't have the languageto communicate to the man how
she thinks and how she feels.
That's very important.
The tricky part is, if you wereto ask most people if they have
(08:27):
emotional intelligence, themajority would say yes, even
when they don't.
This is the reason why I digdeeper to say where did your
emotional intelligence come from?
For people who haven't readbooks and people who haven't
been in long-term meaningfulrelationships before and people
who haven't done assessments,you've got to give me something
to help me understand where thatintelligence comes from.
(08:49):
Otherwise, if you tell meyou're emotionally intelligent,
you've got nothing to qualifythat.
I know not to believe it.
I don't say that from anegative standpoint, but, again,
I'm trying to get to know them,so I have to understand what
I'm working with before we canmove forward.
Speaker 2 (09:03):
That's a great answer , thanks.
Speaker 1 (09:05):
You're emotionally intelligent.
Speaker 2 (09:07):
Thank you.
Speaker 1 (09:09):
Again, this is spectrum.
We learn and we grow.
You don't learn everythingabout yourself ever.
Only Facebook knows everythingabout us Tell me more about you.
What kind of work do?
Speaker 2 (09:22):
you do.
I run a political researchnonprofit and I am an
entrepreneur.
I find that those two are veryidentity confusion a lot of
times in trying to figure outhow do I describe myself.
Thank you, title or areadescribes me the most Right.
I haven't really landed on anactual answer yet.
(09:43):
So I to do a lot of things.
I like to start stuff.
I like to fix broken things notpeople, though.
I like to find new solutions toproblems.
This is where this podcast iscoming into play.
Yeah, I like being creative andI like being constantly
challenged.
I like thinking.
(10:04):
I like my days being different.
I like being valued for thatcontribution.
I feel like that part has to besaid.
The value of the contribution,whether it's on the
entrepreneurial side or thepolitical research nonprofit,
All of it contributes to alarger vision of something.
Speaker 1 (10:22):
Do you know what that larger vision is?
Speaker 2 (10:24):
No, I don't.
I knew as soon as I said thatyou were going to go in on it,
okay so let's talk aboutreligion.
Speaker 1 (10:32):
Where are you with religion?
Speaker 2 (10:34):
I am a religious person.
Speaker 1 (10:36):
What does that mean?
Speaker 2 (10:37):
Yeah, that's a good one.
I have a personal relationshipwith Jesus Christ, our Lord and
Savior, and so I am involved ina Bible study at church.
I co-lead a Bible study andlove that.
I am a member of a churchdowntown and love that
Denomination.
(10:57):
I've really been across theboard.
I grew up Baptist, went to aMethodist church for a little
while, my parents went to aPresbyterian church.
I'm a member of an Anglicanchurch, like literally all over
the spectrum, but the thingthat's consistent is that they
preach the word and it's aboutthe gospel.
So you consider yourself aChristian.
I do.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
Okay, and how important is it that your person
be a Christian?
Speaker 2 (11:20):
Very important.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
Okay, we'll come back to that.
Yeah, so let's talk aboutpolitics, because politics is a
very important part of datingand finding a person.
I remember 20, 30 years ago,when Jimmy Carter was actually
50 years ago, when Jimmy Carterwas president and Ronald Reagan.
In that era, couples could haveopposing political affiliations
(11:45):
because it didn't define whoyou were, or at least people
didn't consider it as somethingthat defines who you are Today.
That's different.
Yeah, because your politicalaffiliation to most people
defines who you are, and I don'tknow that I necessarily agree
that it defines who you are, butthat's the way people perceive
(12:05):
it.
Speaker 2 (12:05):
It's certainly a very strong data point in your
worldview.
Speaker 1 (12:08):
So, with that being said, today's climate is a
little bit different and, frommy perspective as a matchmaker,
I have to consider that becausewe've got a spectrum.
Also, just like religion,there's a spectrum in this whole
political thing.
There are people who arepolitical on the left side, but
they're not that strong about it, like they're not going to
argue with you about a point.
They'll just I'm okay, and let'skeep on going, and the same
(12:31):
thing with people on the rightside all the way over to the
other side of the spectrum.
I believe everything that'sgoing on the left, and you
better not disagree withanything that's going on the
left, for I believe everythingon the right and you better not
disagree.
So we know there's a spectrum,and I'm pointing that out to you
because I need you tounderstand that.
Those are the things that Iunderstand that have to be
considered also.
Speaker 2 (12:49):
Yeah, oh yeah.
Speaker 1 (12:50):
So let's talk about Sure.
Speaker 2 (12:52):
Let's do.
I would characterize myself asa conservatarian, where I have
conservative ideology beliefs aswell as libertarian, and so
what that really means is I amfinding myself, as I get older,
a little more libertarian thanconservative, so that's where
the terry in comes in.
(13:12):
I believe that the governmentshould not be involved in our
lives.
The least amount of involvementby the government creates the
greatest opportunity for peopleto thrive and to define their
futures, increase their wealth,live a life that they want to
live, and that's where I comefrom.
I am a full believer in freemarket principles, and on a
(13:34):
personal level as well as abusiness, economic level, so is
your person?
Speaker 1 (13:39):
staunch, conservative or libertarian or liberal?
Speaker 2 (13:44):
Not liberal, not liberal.
I much like religion andpolitics.
They're not the same, but Ithink the way you view religion
in your life, the way you viewpolitics in your life, it
informs the worldview and howyou approach living out your
life.
Whether it is a what you thinka solution to a problem is, or
(14:09):
what you think is good versusbad, the tolerance and the
expectation, the role ofgovernment.
Is man inherently evil or good?
All of that comes back to aworldview and I think that
politics and religion providedata points on that worldview.
And I think marriage is hard.
Marriage is really hard.
You have two people who arecompletely different, regardless
(14:31):
of whether they have the samereligious beliefs or the same
political beliefs, and if youknow it's going to be hard, then
why would you start off withsome serious differences that
define your life and what youview as being important?
Speaker 1 (14:46):
That gives me enough space to understand who to
exclude from the conversation.
Speaker 2 (14:51):
Mostly liberals, In fact all liberals.
Speaker 1 (14:55):
Again, this is about giving me a roadmap to find the
right person for you, and that'sthe source of these type of
questions.
All right, let me ask you thisAre you ready for a relationship
?
Speaker 2 (15:05):
Yeah, I think so.
I say I think so because if Isaid yes, absolutely, I feel
like that would maybe excludeblind spots.
Speaker 1 (15:16):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:17):
But overall yes.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
In your heart, you feel like you're right.
Yes, yes.
Have you ever been in a longterm meaningful relationship
before?
Speaker 2 (15:25):
I think we should define long term.
I've not been in a relationshipover a year.
I would say I've experiencedthree seasons with someone, not
all four seasons.
Speaker 1 (15:35):
With one someone or more than one.
Speaker 2 (15:37):
Yeah, with one someone.
Speaker 1 (15:38):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, that's fair.
So how many relationships haveyou been in Long term meaningful
relationships?
Speaker 2 (15:47):
Probably three.
I would say three, which is nota ton, but I feel like it's
enough to know myself and what Iwant moving forward as an adult
in the world.
Speaker 1 (15:59):
You said a very interesting thing Like going
back to the emotionalintelligence and the chameleon.
Have I ever met the real andthe bevin?
Speaker 2 (16:08):
Oh, I think you have, at this point, 100%.
Oh yeah, you see me be goofy.
You've seen me make fun of you.
Speaker 1 (16:16):
I've known it really.
Speaker 2 (16:18):
Yeah, all of the versions that I present when I
do are not me.
They just are highlightingdifferent aspects that are
important for different spaces.
Okay, yeah, and I think allpresentations are like that
whenever you present in front ofpeople.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
Now that we know more about you and a bevin, tell me
what you're looking for in yourperson.
Speaker 2 (16:39):
The younger version of myself would give you a list
of specific things, like heasked me an athlete, he asked me
tall, he asked to have darkhair because I would like tilt
your arm with dark hair for yourdegree or a doctor.
Things like that, I think,don't actually get to the heart
of who a person is, but theymore are the things that you can
(17:00):
see immediately or can get toin a shallow conversation.
I am really looking for someoneto think with me, and what I
mean by that is I am a creativeperson who wants to continue to
be creative.
I think that there are somerules that are meant to be
broken.
I think that there are someprocesses that can be adjusted
(17:23):
and changed and new things canhappen.
If you don't think broadly oropen yourself up to thinking in
a new way or challenging astatus quo, then you're never
going to actually get there, andso you'll live in a box.
Speaker 1 (17:39):
So let's stop there for a minute, because you said a
lot of things that didn't getclose enough to an answer.
For instance, you're lookingfor a creative.
What does that mean to you?
Speaker 2 (17:52):
I think what that really means is I don't want
someone who speaks in absolutesconstantly.
That isn't a dreamer.
I want someone who like had,values family and is from a
together home.
I want someone who valuessitting around a dining room
(18:12):
table and laughing and wants tomake memories.
These are not describingabsolute people and the way that
they look, but it's moredescribing a feeling and things
that will last Over the years.
I've really tried to describeto myself and be honest about
what's the kind of person that Iwant to live forever with, and
(18:33):
describing the things like.
You can't change a person.
You can change guys clothes,but you cannot change their core
, and having someone that valuesfamily, has the same viewpoint
of the world whether from apolitical perspective or a
religious one and wants to growand better themselves they have
(18:56):
a growth mindset over a fixedmindset is probably another way
of saying that.
That's really important.
That's a really greatfoundation to start off on like
the hardest thing you'll ever do.
Speaker 1 (19:06):
So go back to the creative part.
I'm not sure if I understoodwhat you meant by creative.
They need to be creative.
I know what you mean because Iknow you well enough to know
what creativity is.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
I think what I mean by creative is more is really
just a growth mindset over afixed mindset, and it's not
creative in the sense of and Iuse creative as a catch all word
because that seems to be whatpeople understand Because if you
say growth over a fixed mindset, people are going to look at
you like you've listened to waytoo many Harvard Business Review
idea casts, because I have soyou mean creative about life,
(19:41):
not necessarily being a creative.
Correct.
That's probably a better way ofsaying that.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (19:46):
Okay, let's talk about the list.
What's the age range of yourperson?
Speaker 2 (19:51):
I would accept younger and older.
My parents are 13 years apart,so I've seen a lot of older
dynamic in a relationship wheremy dad is 13 years older than my
mom and I don't dislike that.
I used to always think that Iwould be with someone who's
older.
I also don't dislike younger.
Now we're not going to go 13years younger in that same
(20:13):
spectrum.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
Give me your age.
Speaker 2 (20:15):
I'll probably go 30 to 42.
Okay, yeah, we'll say thatspecific age range of randomness
.
Speaker 1 (20:25):
Listen.
So I understand that those arejust guard rights.
Correct, you're a creativeperson, right, and you're open.
So I understand that those arejust parameters.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
We're not going to go to 24.
That's too far.
Speaker 1 (20:39):
I get it, yeah, I get it, yeah, all right, so how
tall is he?
Speaker 2 (20:42):
He is taller than 5'10".
Speaker 1 (20:44):
So if he was 5'8" is that a deal breaker for you?
Speaker 2 (20:48):
It would have to be like a tall 5'8", Because some
people look short at 5'8" andsome people look tall at 5'8".
You know what I'm talking about.
Speaker 1 (20:56):
That's a real thing.
Speaker 2 (20:56):
I don't wear a ton of heels anymore these days.
No one does.
After COVID, we're all justtrying to make kicks work in all
of our outfits.
What I'm trying to understand,I know, if he's a great guy and
he's 5'8", am I going to turnthat away because he's 5'8"?
The answer is probably no, butI would like him to be taller.
(21:17):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:18):
So I don't have the statistics with me right now,
but most women want a guy that's6' tall or taller.
That's a very low percentage ofthe male population.
Speaker 2 (21:27):
Right.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Yeah, a very low percentage of the male
population, and I think theaverage male height is at 5'9"
5'9" is okay, that's an inch.
Speaker 2 (21:36):
That's not going to really feel like that much, but
I am a tall person how tall areyou again I?
Am 5'10".
Speaker 1 (21:42):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (21:43):
And so I think, because I am a tall person, like
I don't want to look like atower.
Proportional looks are nice.
Speaker 1 (21:51):
And I understand, I understand Again.
I just need to get thatinformation down because I want
to bring you the best optionspossible.
Speaker 2 (21:59):
Right.
Speaker 1 (21:59):
Yes, yes, okay.
So let's talk about appearance.
What's on your list forappearance with a guy?
Speaker 2 (22:08):
Hair, facial hair.
Give me more Like a head ofhair and a good 5' o clock
shadow.
Okay, yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:15):
You like full beards.
Speaker 2 (22:16):
I do like full beards , but I like the 5' o clock
shadow more.
How about the goatee?
No goatee.
I knew you were going to askthat question and I'm going to
jump to no, absolutely not,that's.
It's either full nothing or 5'o clock shadow.
This is the part where I getreally judgmental.
Thank you, I love this.
This is fantastic.
What about the full mustache?
(22:37):
Nope, nope, just nope.
Speaker 1 (22:40):
Okay, I love this is fun for you.
These are real conversationsthat behind.
Listen from a matchmaker'sperspective.
This conversation is normallyheld behind closed doors, yeah.
Speaker 2 (22:51):
Not for us, no.
Speaker 1 (22:52):
And no one is privy to this information except your
matchmaker and the professionalsthat he or she works with.
Yeah, so I do understand thatfor the most part, this might
sound like a judgmentalconversation If you were outside
looking in.
Everybody is judgmental when itcomes to finding their person
True.
Speaker 2 (23:12):
Absolutely Everyone.
If they're not, they're lying.
Speaker 1 (23:16):
Absolutely Everyone is judgmental when it comes to
finding their person, andrightfully so.
We have to discern what's rightfor us if it's our goal to be
happy for the rest of our lives.
So don't feel bad about that,and I say this to everyone that
I talk to Don't feel bad aboutyour preferences.
Don't feel bad about yourrequirements.
(23:37):
Don't feel bad about yournon-negotiables.
You can't feel bad about thosethings.
Yeah, Now in the course ofconversation, there may be some
situations where I might have tomove you off of your
preferences if I feel like it'snot beneficial to the outcome
that you're looking for.
Right, but then that requiresadditional conversation because
you have to buy into that ideaAlso.
(23:58):
I can't just tell you that don'tlike that.
Right, I have to let idea toyou.
Anyway, the purpose of memaking that statement is twofold
.
Number one I don't want you tofeel bad about your preferences,
thank you.
I don't want you to feeljudgmental about that.
So what else do you want me toknow about your person?
Speaker 2 (24:15):
Athletic.
Speaker 1 (24:16):
What does that mean?
Speaker 2 (24:17):
That means that they have played sports and were good
athletes, and doesn'tnecessarily have to be.
They played in college.
But athletic, I would likeathletic children.
I think I would cry if I didn'thave athletic children OK.
Yeah, real judgmental here.
There are things I like.
I don't really want to go to alot of ballet, I'd rather go to
(24:39):
tennis.
I grew up on going with mybrother to his baseball stuff.
After my softball stuff Iplayed softball in college.
My brother played baseball incollege.
We're the athletic kids.
We don't have any.
We have no musical abilitieswhatsoever.
My other cousins do, but wedon't.
Ok.
Speaker 1 (24:58):
I was going to ask you why athletic?
But now I understand, becauseyou want your kids to be
athletic.
So I'm not going to put that inthe deal breaker column that's
going to go under preferencecolumn, because I can perceive I
could fathom the idea that youcould find a non athletic person
and end up with athletic kids.
Speaker 2 (25:17):
Yes, yeah, you could do that.
Yeah, I also just feel likesports really help build
character and they're greatbreeding grounds for resilience
and conflict resolution and justlots of things.
You need to be a functioningadult.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (25:35):
Absolutely so.
That's a lot of why I likesports.
Let's talk about finances.
Speaker 1 (25:39):
Let's do Tell me about the financial situation of
your person.
And before you answer thatquestion, when you get married,
do you plan to work?
Yes, I do you plan to workbecause you have to or because
you want to?
Speaker 2 (25:53):
Because I want to.
It brings me joy and I feelfulfilled.
Also, I just can't imagine notlike I like lots of projects and
lots of things.
That's fair, yeah.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
So tell me a little bit of a tinkerer, yeah, so tell
me about his financialsituation.
Speaker 2 (26:09):
I would say that I'd like him to be financially
stable and be planning for thefuture on his own.
Have he's heard of a 401k andhas one, possibly even a Roth?
Like just making smartdecisions for his future?
Yeah, I don't think henecessarily has to own a home.
(26:32):
I don't think that he has tohave five homes but can afford
to go on dates.
Speaker 1 (26:42):
I characterize that as a financially grown up man.
Speaker 2 (26:46):
Yes, I think that's yeah, financially grown up man.
Speaker 1 (26:50):
Yeah, that's good.
I thought that was going toturn into a long conversation
about a whole bunch of things,but you made that one easy.
Speaker 2 (26:57):
Well, because I think if you think about it or the
way that, if you were in agrowth mindset and you are
growing and you're betteringyourself, you're going to
improve from where you are likeI'm not close to death or
retirement I don't really knowabout death, but let's hope not.
I'm not close to retirement andI want to keep working.
(27:18):
I imagine that he will too, andtwo incomes is better than one,
and I think that will justafford different opportunities.
I think he'll grow.
I'd like him to continue togrow and want to be better than
he was the day before.
And meeting him now and at theage of the guy also like where
he fits into the story.
(27:39):
And his age matters too.
Right, if you're just now afinancial grown up at 45, that's
not a good sign, yeah, so it'svariable on on on age Now, after
you have kids yeah, you stillwant to work.
At that point I would like tohave sold a company or two and I
(28:02):
will define when I work andwhen I don't work.
That's why I am pushing andtrying a lot of things now and
stretching my entrepreneurialmuscles now so that I can have
the ability to have the futurethat I want the way that I want
it down the road, because I'dlike to be a mom and I'd like to
(28:23):
be able to to take them ontrips to go see things that
they're reading about in historybooks.
Just have a fun life, live itand make memories and have the
opportunity to do that.
Speaker 1 (28:34):
Okay, yeah.
So that's a pretty clearpicture to me and, quite
honestly, it doesn't feel likeyou're too constrained in that
area.
Speaker 2 (28:42):
I feel pretty good about it yeah.
Speaker 1 (28:44):
And my takeaway from that is that you want a
financially grown up man, let metell you a small story, so I
did premarital counseling beforeI got married.
Speaker 2 (28:56):
And in that premarital counseling.
Speaker 1 (28:58):
The pastor gave me these five things to think about
and he used an acronym, smerc,and that stands for sex money.
He said intangibles.
I'm going to change that tointernet and I'll tell you what
that means.
Okay, r is religion and kids.
So S-M-I-R-K Sex money,internet, religion, kids.
(29:22):
The conversation is about areyou in alignment with the person
on those five things?
And this conversation has to behad with people, because you'd
be surprised at how many peoplehaven't thought about those five
things.
And these five things, arguably, are the most important things
in a relationship.
Sure, yeah, I totally agree.
Yeah, you have to be inalignment on sex, whatever that
(29:43):
is, whatever your place is Nowmy place to judge where you are
on that just have to be inalignment.
Money you have to be inalignment on money.
Some would argue that's themain reason why most people
break Internet.
Let's talk about internet for amoment.
Speaker 2 (29:56):
Let's do.
Speaker 1 (29:57):
Internet is my way, in this day and age, to talk
about how do we handle the worldof communication, social media,
cell phones and that sort ofthing.
And let me give it a little bitmore, because we live in a day
and age.
Only thing I have to compare itto my life on the other side of
the internet.
I didn't have to have aconversation with my person
about whether they haveauthorization to pick up my
(30:19):
phone and use it.
Do they have access to thepassword on my phone?
Do they have access to my email?
Do they have access to myFacebook?
How we're gonna handle socialmedia.
Do we do social media together?
Speaker 2 (30:31):
Do we have internet, oh yeah, interesting.
Speaker 1 (30:33):
All of these things, that people don't put thought
into these things before theysay, hey, I'm gonna rest in my
life with this person.
And again, it is not my placeto judge what your decisions
should be around those things.
It is my place to bring theconversation up to you and
understand how you feel aboutthese things Sex, money,
(30:53):
internet, religion and kids.
So out of those five things,what which is the most important
to you to be in alignment on?
There's no right or wronganswer to that question.
Speaker 2 (31:03):
I would probably say religion.
Speaker 1 (31:05):
Okay.
And second, because if you'renot in alignment with religion
is what you're saying thenthat's a deal breaker.
Like I don't even wanna talk toyou.
Speaker 2 (31:12):
Kids.
Speaker 1 (31:13):
Okay, kids.
Speaker 2 (31:14):
Yeah, I'd like to have them.
I could not be with someone whodoesn't wanna have kids.
Speaker 1 (31:18):
Got it.
So they have to be in alignmenton religion and they have to be
in alignment with kids.
Now that kids conversation is abigger conversation, right?
Because?
Even if they wanna have kids,we gotta talk about how we're
gonna raise the kids.
Speaker 2 (31:30):
Oh yeah, that's a much larger will they believe in
Santa Claus.
Santa Claus, I knew you weregonna bring up Santa Claus.
Speaker 1 (31:37):
But you get that.
And here again, I'm bringingthis conversation up because I
want you to think about thesefive things, and the order of
importance is not a right orwrong answer.
It just helps me to understandwhere your priorities are Right.
So we know religion, kids.
What's the most important afterkids?
Between sex, money, internet.
And again, remind you to be inalignment on those things.
(32:00):
To be in alignment about sex,to be in alignment about money,
to be in alignment about theinternet.
Speaker 2 (32:07):
So I would probably go from that order.
If we're gonna work down, Iwould go probably sex money
internet.
Speaker 1 (32:15):
Okay.
Speaker 2 (32:16):
And it could be that I haven't really thought that
much about the internet piece orthat I am a pretty decently
trusting person.
I imagine that there would be ajoint email account that also
has a joint calendar, where youcan have a joint calendar, that
is, your calendar together, soyou don't have to have the
(32:36):
confusion that my parents haveabout what's on the calendar or
what's not on the calendar, butalso I think my accounts would
stay, my accounts, I wouldencourage you to think more
about it, but you know how youfeel about it.
Speaker 1 (32:48):
How would you feel if I brought you a person?
And he said to you my phone isoff limits.
Don't touch my phone.
Speaker 2 (32:56):
I think that would just be weird.
Like what?
Why can't I touch your phone?
Yeah, and again that brings upa whole other host of questions.
Does that mean that there'spart of your life that I don't
know?
Right, I like pick it up or putit down, it's just.
I think it's more weird thatyou would say something about it
, right.
Speaker 1 (33:14):
Again, the whole point of the conversation is
that I feel like, and the workthat I do I feel like it is
important to at least be inalignment, whatever that is.
But you have to understand whatthat alignment is before you
get into a marriage with aperson, not after.
And that's just that's one ofthose landmines that people just
don't pay attention to, likethey don't think that it even
(33:36):
matters to have thisconversation before we get
married.
Again my thing is consider beingin alignment about that person.
The sex is easy, like we don'teven have to talk about that,
and if you're sexually aligned,that's important.
Speaker 2 (33:51):
Totally, totally understand that.
Speaker 1 (33:53):
Money.
With regard to money, do youbelieve in separate bank
accounts or?
Speaker 2 (33:57):
joint bank accounts, both, which is not really your
answer, but I'm gonna say both.
I think a joint for sure, butalso I think separate, for
because at this point I'm notstarting a bank account with,
I'm not first being introducedto bank accounts and then being
getting married the next day,right, I've had.
It's really annoying to closebank accounts, so I think it's
(34:19):
okay to keep it.
It's not to keep something away, it's mainly just for an ease
of use scenario.
I have several different bankaccounts for different purposes,
and I don't really see thosepurposes going away when I get
married.
Right, I'm just seeing anexpansion, and so, in addition,
yeah, so that answers thequestion.
Speaker 1 (34:40):
Again, there are no right or wrong answers to that
question.
It's just that as your guide, Iwanna make sure that you
consider those five things,because they're very important.
Speaker 2 (34:49):
Yeah, I also don't anticipate or ever planning on
asking if I can spend money onsomething that because I have a
job and I am earning money and Iam.
If it is a joint, largerpurchase, like a new couch, then
that would.
I don't know.
This whole like askingpermission to spend money A lot
(35:11):
of women will talk about oh,he's gonna be so upset when he
looks at the bank account.
No, no, that's not.
That will not be therelationship that I have.
My parents do not have thatrelationship at all.
My mom has a separate account,my dad has a separate account
and then they also have a jointaccount together.
That's not to say that it's mymoney versus your money, but I'm
just not gonna ask permission.
Speaker 1 (35:32):
So, again, you do understand that this is just
about making sure you're inalignment with the person Right.
Yes, and now that I understandmore about the dynamic that
you're looking for, maybe I canhave that conversation with the
prospectant, and I can.
It's not a deal breaker.
The only reason I say it's nota deal breaker because, let's
say, he thinks something totallydifferent, but that's something
that's negotiable right,Totally yeah.
(35:53):
It's just that before you guysmake the move, you gotta make
sure you're in alignment aboutthose five things anyway, so
that's good for thatconversation.
I just so.
This helps me because now Iknow about you.
I know how much you know aboutyourself.
Now we know a little bit abouthim and you've clearly had some
thinking or done some workaround some important areas of
(36:15):
being aligned.
What do you think the type ofguy that you want is looking for
?
Speaker 2 (36:21):
My first answer would be hopefully me.
I think my second answer isstill hopefully me.
I don't know what.
Break that down.
Expand on that.
Speaker 1 (36:30):
So, now that we know about you and we know about him
in your heart and mine, tell mewhat is it that you have to
offer a man in the context of alifelong marriage.
Speaker 2 (36:42):
Man, it's weird to think about yourself as like a
commodity and as a product.
Speaker 1 (36:47):
Understood, but let me put a little more on it.
Speaker 2 (36:50):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (36:51):
Because, again, in my conversations with people, I
want them come out of themselvesand a lot of times I consider
them the seller.
Right In the context of usingreal estate as a metaphor, I'm
the seller and there's a buyer.
What is that buyer looking for?
And, as a seller, what do Ihave to offer that buyer?
(37:12):
Because men will ask thatquestion.
These days, the question thatcomes up for women is what do
you have to offer?
This is how it's generallyworded.
Speaker 2 (37:22):
What do you?
Speaker 1 (37:22):
bring to the table.
Speaker 2 (37:23):
Sure, yeah, that's a.
Speaker 1 (37:25):
And it's a very off-putting question to women.
But the problem is 90% of thewomen that attempt to answer
that question don't have ananswer for that question, and
I'm not suggesting that youshould entertain that question.
Speaker 2 (37:39):
What I'm suggesting is that you think about it and
you have an answer for it.
Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, thatmakes sense.
Speaker 1 (37:47):
I would say my humor, my family, my drive, my
compassion, it's more important,that you have thought about
what you have to offer, becausemost people only think about
what they're looking for theother person to bring and they
(38:08):
don't spend any time thinkingabout what they have to offer.
Again, let's put aside who'sasking the question and why
they're asking the question Meas your matchmaker and your
dating coach, your relationshipcoach and your guide.
I just need to know that you'vespent some time and you've
(38:28):
taken some inventory about whatit is that you have to offer
someone in a relationship,because, again, my duty is on
both sides of the equation.
When I go talk to a guy, he mayask me what does she have to
offer?
Not in those words, but theconversation may lead there.
Speaker 2 (38:46):
What are?
Speaker 1 (38:46):
the pros and cons and again, even though you may be
my client, I have to bring yousomebody that's qualified and if
you don't meet his requirements, then he doesn't qualify for
that question.
Speaker 2 (39:01):
No, I mean, I think that, yeah, I find it so hard to
not go until it's superficial.
Here's my long list of thingsthat I have.
So please find them good.
That's mentally where I go towhen you say what do you have to
offer?
I like order, I like schedules.
I like also being spontaneous.
I love surprises.
I am a nice person to get alongwith.
I wake up nicely, I'm not grumpy.
(39:22):
In the morning, I like to haveone cup of coffee and it's black
.
You don't have to learn thatmuch about me.
It's really super easy.
If you bring me coffee, I willlove you forever.
Just, it feels less.
It feels more needy.
And try to think through,please find it valuable, what I
am.
And I think, when I meetsomebody and I have
(39:44):
conversations with them, thatI'm running through that filter
like one.
Yes, do I like them?
Do I find them attractive?
Do I want to spend time?
Do I care about the answers totheir questions?
Do I find myself being curiousabout what?
Could I next ask them?
Are they curious about me or dothey only talk about themselves
?
Yes, you're running through allof that at the same time, but
(40:05):
it's also am I like what do theywant.
Am I close to that?
Because if I'm not close tothat, then I don't want to keep
having a conversation, becausethat's a waste of all of our
time.
Speaker 1 (40:17):
With regard to your answer to the question what is
he looking for?
What do you bring to the tableor what do you have to offer in
a long-term, meaningfulrelationship?
Those things that you listed?
Are they important to men?
Speaker 2 (40:32):
I don't know that answer.
Speaker 1 (40:33):
So and I think that's the part where men and women
are just very differentAbsolutely, and I listen
intently to the answer because Iknow what's important to men
and most of the things that youlist are not important to me.
No, no, and that's okay that Ilisten to your answers and those
were great answers but what Ido is I automatically put myself
in the shoes of the guy and Ihave a conversation with him and
(40:55):
let's just say he asked me thequestion what does she bring to
the table?
And I gave him that list.
I know he would be totally notinterested in that list of
things that she gave.
This is a part of theconversation where the guy me as
the guy comes in, because Iunderstand the dynamics on both
sides If I was to ask him whathe brings to the table and he
(41:15):
gave me his list.
Men know much better than womenwhat women want with regard to
that list.
Speaker 2 (41:22):
Sure, yeah, I believe that.
Speaker 1 (41:23):
And where the confusion comes in is that women
know what they want from men,but the things that make men
valuable to a relationship arenot the same things that make
women valuable in the context ofa relationship.
Okay, yep, but women don't knowthat.
Like women, let me tell yousomething.
The demographic that I talk tothe most are older women,
(41:48):
generally 40 and between 40 and55.
I talk to all ages, all races,all affiliations, but I have a
tendency to talk to thatdemographic the most, and one of
the things that they'll say tome is, when we have this
particular conversation, they'llsay, hey, I have my own house
and I have my own car and I cantake care of myself.
And I say to them that's good,but don't use those as selling
(42:10):
points.
And then they will turn aroundand say to me but I would think
that a guy would be happy toknow that I can take care of
myself and he would.
He absolutely would.
But that's not what sells himon being in a relationship with
you.
So let's talk about a woman andwhat she finds valuable.
His height is in there, hisability we're gonna say income,
(42:32):
which I try to describe as hisability to gain resources and
don't care about that.
Now again, this conversation iscontextual also because if you
were to ask a regular guy making$20, 30, $40,000, if he cares
what kind of education and howmuch money she makes, he would
say yes.
But if I was talking to thatguy, I would say to him explain
(42:53):
to me the type of woman that youwant.
And he might say she's educated.
He might say she makes sexamount of dollars.
He might say she has her ownhouse and car.
He might say those things but,that's because of his situation.
If I turn around and ask thatsame guy if I put $18 million in
your bank account now tell mewhat kind of woman you are.
None of that stuff would comeup.
He would tell me what kind ofwoman he wants, but you get what
(43:17):
I'm saying.
So the only reason I broughtthat up, the only reason I
brought that whole conversationup, is because when-.
Speaker 2 (43:23):
My answers are completely wrong.
Your answers are not wrong,absolutely not wrong.
Speaker 1 (43:27):
So there's no right or wrong answers to it.
It's just the way it is.
Most women don't know thisright and most women will push
back on this conversation.
And the reason they'll pushback on the conversation?
Because imagine you were a 40year old woman and you've never
been married before and you gotall this education and you're
all successful in the job.
You don't want to hear somebodysay men don't care about that.
(43:50):
Like you don't want to hearanybody say that and it's a
sensitive conversation, cause Itry to have that conversation
with empathy.
But this is where a lot offrustration comes in, with women
specifically, cause again,people understand men, what
makes men valuable?
Speaker 2 (44:06):
Cause talk about it all the time, how much money it
makes, how big he is, yeah, Well, if you go to a gym any gym
they're largely dominated by menand it's you can tell guys
based on if they're married orsingle, by how they work out.
Yeah, oh yeah, single guys onlywork out their upper bodies,
(44:27):
only work out their upper bodies.
Married guys will do a totalbody workout that will be like
45 minutes to an hour andthey're out.
Single guys will be there forhave their like protein shakes,
their like workout bag, theirjournal.
They got to track that upperbody workout because arms are
notoriously really important forwomen.
(44:48):
I also find them to be veryimportant because I, as I've
said to you many times before,when, like describing the guy
which I didn't say in this cause, I was trying to be like, more
descriptive than win in a barfight.
That's my type of guy.
Wins in a bar fight?
Intellectually, sure, thatwould be great, like, definitely
(45:09):
, please.
But physically, win in a barfight.
Speaker 1 (45:12):
I'm not asking you to start it, I just want you to
know that you could, you could,you could do it.
Speaker 2 (45:18):
So single guys work out their upper bodies Anyway,
anyway.
Speaker 1 (45:21):
so thank you for your time today.
I really appreciate your candorand hopefully the people get
get something from thisconversation.
Yeah definitely All right untilnext time.
Speaker 2 (45:34):
Thank you again, anna Bevin and it's my pleasure,
happy to open up my mind andheart.
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