Minisode 5: Valdon, What makes you qualified?

From the circuit board to the heart, who knew that a 30-year career in electrical engineering could prepare one to be a matchmaker and dating coach? Love, like electricity, follows its rules and principles, and no one knows this better than our host. He's lived half his life without the internet, navigated the tumultuous world of online dating, and found his perfect match, culminating in a successful 12-year marriage. This unique journey has equipped him with an unconventional toolbox with wisdom and insights ready to be shared with you.

In this captivating episode, we flip the switch on the matchmaking industry, shedding light on expert insights and perspectives. We'll discuss the value of continually seeking knowledge, from devouring books on relationships to attending industry events like the Matchmaking Institute Conference. We'll also help you navigate the vast landscape of online dating coaches and emphasize the importance of finding advice tailored to your circumstances. So join us as we illuminate the path to finding love, one circuit - or should we say, heart - at a time. Tune in if you're ready for a unique blend of personal anecdotes, expert insights, and candid discussions that promise to redefine what you thought you knew about the matchmaking industry.

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
This is a question that comes up a lot.
You've been an electricalengineer for 30 years.
How are you qualified to be amatchmaker and a dating coach?
You know relationshipconsultant, that question, those
are really nice titles.

Speaker 2 (00:11):
Yeah, is it really?
Yeah, those are good.
I like those.
Oh, people, I feel like Ishould come up with some better
ones.

Speaker 1 (00:16):
People will ask me you know how am I qualified to
do that?
And you know there are a lot ofpeople in the matchmaking
industry that come from otherindustries, like lawyers and
real estate.
People come in the matchmakingand then there's some people who
are in the industry, who camefrom family therapy backgrounds
and really educated in thesespaces, and we all bring
something different to the table.

(00:37):
But I do like to entertain thatquestion because one of my pet
I won't say pet peeve One of myI guess I'll have to say pet
peeves is you know, I tellpeople all the time I have a
love-hate relationship withdating coaches online, social
media dating coaches and thereason that is is because
there's so many of them andpeople wake up every day and say

(00:58):
, hey, you know, I look acrossmy life experience.
I think I know a lot.
Let me start sharing it withthe world.
Sometimes that works out in thesense that there are a lot of
really good dating coachesonline, but there are a lot of
terrible ones also.
But single people don't know thedifference between the two.
They don't know when they'regetting good advice and when
they're getting bad advice.
Right, they don't know thedifference between the two.

(01:18):
And not only that, not all goodadvice is good for everybody.
I wouldn't say the same thingto a 45-year-old woman who has
kids that I would say to a24-year-old woman who's never
been married before, right?
So these dynamics make it alittle treacherous in my mind
for people out, single peoplewho are relying on professionals
to give them good guidance,because the guidance is not

(01:40):
always good.
Right Now, going back to myself, you know when I have to
entertain that question, I saylisten, I feel like I bring one
perspective because I lived thefirst half of my life.
We didn't have the internet.
We didn't have smartphones orany of that stuff.
I was 27 years old when peoplestarted using the internet at

(02:00):
home.

Speaker 2 (02:00):
I don't remember life without Wi-Fi yeah.

Speaker 1 (02:04):
I get it.

Speaker 2 (02:05):
My dad was like a really early adopter.
Like really early adopter, likeI don't remember the you've got
mail sign-on noise because wehad wireless internet in my
house.
Dad was like, oh my gosh,there's this thing called the
World Wide Web Right.

Speaker 1 (02:23):
Yeah, so I was late 20s when people started using
the web at home right and cellphones came out just before.
That, like 1993, is when Werethey the bag phones?
Yeah exactly, I had the bagphones.
But think about this the wholepoint of me bringing that up is

(02:46):
that you know, I know what lifewas like.
I was 30 something years oldbefore social media came on the
scene, being really consideredAOL to be social media.
But you know, around YouTube,no, youtube, like that's not
even here yet.
But what was it?
My space, oh, my space inFacebook.
That period of time I was in mymid-30s, right Point being I

(03:09):
lived a half of my life withoutinternet, cell phone, smartphone
, social media, and I'm on thesecond half of my life where I
get to see what life is likewith that right.
So my perspective in thismarket also is a little bit
broadened by the fact that Iremember what it was like when
you had to actually, yeah, makea move on a girl, when you had

(03:31):
to actually cultivaterelationships.

Speaker 2 (03:33):
Like at Joey's how you doing.

Speaker 1 (03:35):
Yeah, you had to actually cultivate relationships
over a period of time in realperson, right?
That's a foreign idea to peoplewho live in the world today.
But again, going back to you,know how and how am I qualified
to talk about this?
That's just one piece Like.
I talk about the fact that youknow I've been successfully
married for 12 years, right,successfully married for 12

(03:57):
years not necessarily happilymarried for 12 years, but
successfully married for 12years and the work Still counts,
yeah, yeah, that's required todo that gives me more
qualifications for that.
I told you before I wanted tobe married when I was 23.
I started reading books backthen.
I still to this day.
I think most people should readMars and Venus Like and most

(04:18):
people most single peoplehaven't read it, but they would
be so enlightened if they readthat book because it helps you
understand more about men and ithelps men understand more about
women, and I think it was avery well-written book and it
changed my life.

Speaker 2 (04:30):
I think we need to have common misconceptions about
relationships or dating advicein a future podcast episode,
because all I'm hearing in mybrain is he's just not that into
you, where if you're confusedhe's not interested, right, so

(04:55):
far that's been pretty true inmy life, like if a guy is
interested, he will move heavenand earth to let you know it.

Speaker 1 (05:03):
Yeah, there's absolute truth to that, but
there's also some downsides tothat rhetoric that we'll talk
about later.
We'll get into that, so I'mgoing to continue on my list of
things of why I'm qualified tobe in this.

Speaker 2 (05:15):
Oh right, yeah, yeah, keep going, keep going.

Speaker 1 (05:17):
So the other is you know, when I joined the
Matchmaking Institute back in Ithink it was 2018 is when I
initially joined and I met twopivotal people.
That year I went to New York.
So every year, new York City,they have this big conference
where all matchmakers and datingcoaches I won't say all of them
, but matchmakers from aroundthe world- how big is that?

Speaker 2 (05:38):
out of curiosity, which is why you ask a question.
But how big is that?

Speaker 1 (05:43):
You went with me last year.
How many people did you think?
It's probably two or 300 people, yeah.

Speaker 2 (05:48):
Oh, that's better than I thought I was thinking
like.
For some reason, I wasenvisioning like a comic con.
Oh yeah, no, no, no, lots andlots of people.

Speaker 1 (05:59):
The the matchmaking industry is relatively small
people and keep in mind thepeople at this conference.
They're all professionalmatchmakers and dating coaches
and behavioral scienceprofessionals, Right?
So it's about 300 people fromaround the world who come
together and they do it in NewYork City every year, they do it
in Singapore every year andthey do it in London.

Speaker 2 (06:22):
Oh, those are exciting places yeah.

Speaker 1 (06:24):
So I might go to one in London this year.
I'm definitely going to go toone in New York, because I
always go to the one in New York, but the reason I bring that up
is the first year I went, I mettwo people that were really
pivotal in my understanding ofscience and research around it
and just the mechanics of thematchmaking.
The one was a lady named HelenFisher.
She's the chief scientist atmatchcom and if you sit down and

(06:44):
you have a conversation withthese people, you get so much
information and so much goodperspective about things that
you just like you just wouldn'tget in any other place.
There's another guy.
His name is Paul Brunson andmost people don't know that name
, but he was.
He was coined the real worldhits for many years.
He's an African American guywho got into the matchmaking

(07:06):
industry, went to work for Oprah, he had a coach and I get it
was a whole big thing, but I metthose two people the first year
.
I went back in 2018 and sincethen the doors have just
continued to open up.
So, again, what qualifies me tobe in this industry is number
one my experience.
Number one, my I'll say myeducation, even though it's a

(07:26):
self education.
Number Number two is theperspective of being on both
sides of the Internet, this sideand that side.
And number three are the peoplethat I have access to.
Last year we met Logan Urie,whose relationship science
something at hingecom Right, oh,cool.
So so when you, when you knowthese people that are working
for these apps and you know, youknow some of the like, I know

(07:48):
some of the names it doesn'tmake sense to even mention them
because people don't know thesepeople.
You know, but Terry Orbach, whowho's you know, renowned she
teaches a course at theMatchmaking Institute, science
Base Coaching, right, well, shegoes over a lot of the science
around.
You know why we love and she'sfollowed like 300 couples
through marriage over someextended number of years.

(08:09):
But my point is my access tothese people and my network of
people that keep me informed andgive me access to research like
real research and real science,my own experiences and the fact
that I talk to hundreds ofsingle people every year.
These are the things thatqualify me to talk about what I

(08:29):
talk about and these are thethings that give me the tools
and resources to help peopledown the road.
And, quite honestly, I do mybest unless I'm talking to a one
on one paid client, I do mybest not to give advice.
I try to.
I've tried to focus more onhelping people have better
perspectives.
Oh, that's very interestingPerspectives, because then they
can make decisions on their own,and it's almost kind of like

(08:51):
teaching them the fish asopposed to giving them a fish.
Yeah, give people the toolsthey need to have better
perspectives about men or womenor relationships or themselves,
whatever the case may be, andthat's kind of how I like to
focus in this space with mycommunity of people.