June 16, 2025 • 53 mins
Two decades of marriage has taught us that every couple creates their own unique contract, with different rules, boundaries, and arrangements that work specifically for them. We explore what makes marriages last and how to navigate the complexities of sharing your life with another person.
• Identifying deal breakers early in the relationship creates clear boundaries
• Having separate finances can eliminate major sources of conflict for couples with different spending styles
• Finding ways to accommodate each other's quirks without constant criticism
• The "marriage contract" concept—recognizing that each couple creates their own terms
• Adjusting expectations as you grow and change together over time
• Learning to distinguish between what truly matters and what you can let slide
• How living with someone for decades creates patterns and rhythms unique to your relationship
• Maintaining individuality within marriage through personal space and independence
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:02):
okay, welcome back to dead mom scavenger hunt yes,
welcome back, we're back backand better than ever?
Speaker 2 (00:10):
uh duh, just keep getting better with age.
I mean I want you.
I mean, yeah, speaking of ageand things that are old, your
marriage, where are you goingwith this?
Well, you just celebrated apretty big milestone for
marriage.
Marriage, 20 years.
(00:32):
We did, congratulations, thankyou uh, it was.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
That's a big deal.
That's a big deal for anyone.
That's a really big deal.
Um, my parents neither one ofmy parents stayed married for
very long.
Yeah, any of the times they gotmarried.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Same.
Yeah.
Well, my dad's been married forlonger, but that's a whole
different can of worms.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Is he happy?
Speaker 2 (00:56):
No, absolutely not.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
So my dad was not super stoked when Jeremy and I
got engaged, I remember, and heinsisted that we go to therapy,
I remember, to make sure that wewere going to be okay.
Yeah, which is like there's noguarantees.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
No, you then had to go to therapy over a sandwich.
Well, that was later.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
Over a chicken salad sandwich.
Yeah, put a pin in that, we'llcircle back.
He was like you, we got married, yeah.
And then every year, like everyyear that we were married, he
got like a little bit lessskeptical, right.
Less nervous, less nervous.
And then we hit 10 years, yeah,and he completely like 180.
(01:34):
Looped and it was like allabout us being married.
Oh, interesting, and I thinkit's because him and my mom were
married for 10 years.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Okay, so he, you made it out of the woods.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
We now we've done something he didn't wasn't able
to do, sure, and so and like Idon't think I know it's like it
takes two to tango, yeah, um,and they both definitely had,
like, their issues in themarriage and stuff.
I would agree, but our marriage, like mine and Jeremy's
marriage, is so much differentthan theirs, like like it's just
every marriage is so different.
(02:03):
Your mom helped me understandthat because I would see, like
other couples doing things thatdidn't make sense to me.
Like like this one friend ofours cheated on her husband,
yeah, and he took her back andthey ended up like with one of
our best friends and he, he tookher back and they've, they're
still together.
Really, it blew my mind.
(02:23):
Do I know this person?
I don't think so, okay, great,but it blew my mind because I
was like, oh my God, how do youget over that?
And your mom was like Bonniewas like, well, that's not your
contract, yeah, that's theircontract, right.
And that concept to me wasreally interesting because it
was like each, like everyrelationship, especially a
(02:51):
marriage, right has its owncontract that you negotiate with
your partner and you canrenegotiate that contract at any
time, right, also true.
So that was like something thatyour mom gave me like a concept
, a way of thinking aboutmarriage and the relationship
that has been really, reallyhelpful to me over the years.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Yeah, would that be your biggest tip or trick, like
figure out what your contract is?
I have a couple actually.
Okay, let's get into it.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Yeah, I think identifying your deal breakers
right out of the gate, okay, andit feels a little taboo to give
marriage advice, so I'm notdoing that.
Don't consider this marriageadvice, but I will just convey
we're not going to get sued, no,I mean, it's bad luck, oh, oh,
because I am very aware thatit's like these are observations
(03:32):
, this isn't advice, these areobservations, these are just
observations.
Yes, absolutely, yeah, okay.
So I think that it's helpful toidentify deal breakers right
out of the gate, okay, thingsthat you know are going that
you're not going to be able tocome back from, sure.
So for Jeremy and I, it wascheating and hitting.
Like if you ever cheated on me,yeah, or you ever hit me, yeah,
(03:53):
I know I could never come backfrom that and have the same
quality, like just personallybecause of my own trauma, yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
For me.
I don't think it would even.
It wouldn't even be hitting it,would be any kind of like
physicality.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Yeah, okay.
Like pushing someone I justliked that cheating and beating
it rhymed, and so that, oh,that's nice, that's nice.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
Like a nice mnemonic device.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Cheating and beating, cheating and beating those are
my deal breakers, but.
But anything else you have towork through, sure.
So it kind of sets you up for ascenario where, like, also,
like, if you ever we talkedabout it, I'm like I guess if
you ever wanted out, all you'dhave to do is cheat on me
because I'm fucking gone.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
I feel like there's better ways to get out.
Depends on how much of achicken shit you are.
I guess that's true.
That's true, yeah.
That's true, yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
And no offense to my friends who are chicken shits,
because I do have a friend whoreally needs to get divorced.
By the way, if you're listening, I love you.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Well, no, but also, if you're listening and you just
heard a weird sigh in thebackground and you're not a
Patreon, so you're not gettingthe video, that is my dog
snoring.
She's sitting in between us.
Yes, okay, sorry, carry on, nooffense to your chicken shit
friends.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
No, I don't.
I don't mean that because Iknow how hard it is, like it's
not easy, no, to end arelationship if you are getting
divorced.
Yeah, it's difficult and thereare financial obstacles and you
know logistical and emotional,all of the things right.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
I feel like the logistical obstacles are some of
the hardest ones for people.
Even when they're, and thenwith or without kids involved,
that adds a whole other degreeof difficulty.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
I just.
I have a friend who used tohave dreams that her husband
cheated on her and she'd wake upso happy because then, she
could leave.
Oh, I think I know who this is.
Yeah and, but but yeah, so I.
I'm glad my parents divorcedSame.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Same.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
Because they were terrible for each other, same
and.
I think not every, not everytwo, not every pair is meant to
be together, like I think in ourinstance, jeremy and I are just
like he's my best friend.
Yeah, I love him to death.
Yeah, our chemistry is reallygood.
I've always felt really, reallyattracted to him and, yeah,
he's just like the best person Iknow.
(06:10):
Yeah, but not everybody feelsthat way and we do change.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Like if you're not growing together, you might be
growing apart.
Right, it's hard and that'sokay too.
Yeah, but I totally agree, myparents were terrible together
and I think part of separatingis teaching your kid or me in
this scenario like yourhappiness should be a priority.
If people that are like, oh,we're just gonna stick out for
(06:40):
the kids, but you're fuckingmiserable, what is that?
Teaching your kids Like yeah,yeah, it is.
I mean, the kids are watchingus.
Yeah, and happiness is a choiceand you can choose it or not to
.
And then the kids are like oh,so you spent 20 years miserable
because of me.
I didn't want that, I didn'tchoose that, you know yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
I mean it's it's difficult right being married is
difficult.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Yes, and I think you and I I've only been married 13
years.
That's still a really fuckinglong time.
It is the first time I gotmarried.
I was not good at it.
I should have been better andwas better the second time.
So it's lasted longer, mainlybecause of me.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
Because you're taking credit.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
For how long?
No, I mean I'm saying that likethe first one, I wasn't good at
it.
But there was also the thingthat you can't get past, which
is like one person wants kidsand one person doesn't.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Yes, that's kind of those are fundamental.
Yes, like values, yeah, youwant.
And I told Jeremy before we gotmarried I was like, well, I
want, he didn't want kids.
Yeah, when we were like 22, 23,talking about initially, yeah,
and I was like, well, Idefinitely want at least one kid
, so don't marry me if you don'twant at least one kid.
Yeah.
So he knew like this, yes, I issomething I want.
(08:04):
Yeah, he was like, well, I'mwilling to.
You know, we can try it.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
It doesn't work out, We'll send it back.
Well, yeah, and I was.
I knew I didn't want one, but Iwas also like well, maybe I
don't know.
And I was like what am I?
No, like, yeah, that's not agood reason to have kids also.
No if you have a desire to havekids like the only people who
should be having kids are peoplewho really, really want them,
(08:30):
agreed, not people who are like,well, let's see how this goes.
You know what are your thoughtson going to bed more nights
(08:52):
earlier than my husband?
Because I like to read in bed.
I'm a reader of books in bed.
Do that people?
She reads, I know how to readguys Spoiler alert.
She I know how to read it.
I know how to read guys spoileralert.
She knows how to read, and Ikind of actually also enjoy my
(09:12):
little alone time with my bookin bed.
So I'm totally fine with it.
I also enjoy my alone timegetting up earlier and like
making tea, and you know I'llbring tea into him, because
we're both nerdy tea drinkers.
Um, oh shit, I forgot to bringyou the tea.
That's fine, damn it.
That's okay.
I guess you have to come back,um, so I'm fine, I don't have.
(09:35):
I think it's fine.
If you don't, why?
What do you think?
I think it's been kind ofpivotal yeah, you guys go to bed
at the same time and get up atthe same time.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
It's not like a deal breaker, we don't?
There have been a handful oftimes when one of us stays up
later.
Yeah, but usually we go to bedat the same time, wake up at the
same time, Like if he gets upto go to the gym at 4.30, I get
up with him.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Yeah, but then you often go back to bed.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Yes, sometimes, if he gets up to go to the gym, I
will quite often go back tosleep, especially in the winter
when it's dark.
Yeah, I'm not going to walk thedog in the dark.
Yeah, it's just early, yeah,and I'm tired.
But I get up with him and likeit's turned into kind of like a
ritual time, like we reallyenjoy.
Well, I won't speak for him.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
I really enjoy it.
He's all to just stay in bed,god I'd love some quiet a little
bit, this bitch, yeah, but it's.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
I like that time in the kitchen when it's just the
two of us and like the consciouscollective is kind of quiet.
Yeah, and we're, you know, Imake his coffee, he gets his
lunch together or whatever, andthen I like kiss him goodbye and
right, sometimes go back to bedI.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
I do think it's a different dynamic because you
also have a kid in the house.
Yeah, so ours is only just thetwo of us.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Yeah, but going to bed at the same time I think is
really helpful for, like yoursex life, I think it can be.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
But also there's Also you don't have kids in the
house so you could have anafternoon delight anytime you
want, yes, yes.
Or we could go have sex andhe's like I'm gonna go watch
andor or fucking whatever youknow, and I'm like, well, I'm
gonna sit here and read mybritish murder mystery like
thanks, thanks for the sex,enough situational.
Yeah, I think it's.
Yeah, I think it's sexuational,sexuational.
You heard it here first.
(11:20):
Yeah, it's a word, look it up,um, so yeah.
No, I don't have strongfeelings on that, but I can
definitely see if you hadanother person in the house who
could just be rolling in at anytime.
You know, yeah, I will say andI think you and I have talked
about this and agree that thefirst year of marriage is the
(11:43):
worst maybe worse.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
I mean our first year of marriage was really tough.
Yeah, I think it's the hardest.
For sure I don't know if it wasour hardest.
I think the first year afterParker was born was the hardest.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
See again, I don't have a but um, I don't have a
gauge on that.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
Yeah, like the first year we got married, we got
married in.
So Jeremy started his job inHolt this was 2005.
Yep, he started his job at Holt.
Okay, that was super stressfulfor him at the time.
Yeah, he started that in May orMarch.
We got married in May, bought ahouse in July and were pregnant
by October.
So it was a big we did a reallyRam it all in Big fucking year
(12:22):
for us.
Yeah and yeah, like it was justa lot.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
I'm trying to remember you weren't actively
trying, but you weren't activelynot trying.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
I had just gone off birth control because I was
going to maybe try it.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
I feel like if you're not not trying, you're trying.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
I was trying.
Yeah, I really wanted to bepregnant.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Yeah, it was, he was on purpose, right, parker, if
you're listening, you weren't anaccident.
You remember he knows I, parker, if you're listening, you
weren't an abstinent.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
You remember he knows I was there but not in the room
he was very much intentional,yeah, but like that was also
part of my like I was reallyimmature at the time and like
that was just a lot going on.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
I was like let's go, let's fucking go, yeah, all the
things right now, and so thatput a lot of probably stress on
the marriage.
Um, luckily, I think jeremy'sreally, he's really willing to
like, he's super patient, whichis really cool.
That's good for you, that'sgood for me.
Yeah, um, and our values reallyalign.
(13:24):
So we're very different, likewe have different hobbies that
we love.
Yeah, um, he won't playpickleball with me.
I suck at mountain.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Are you still?
Speaker 1 (13:30):
playing pickleball Occasionally.
I haven't been, we haven't beenlately Okay.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
But yeah, I don't know.
Okay, yeah, I think in someways it's the hardest and in
some ways it does take some ofthe not stress.
But things that might have beena big deal or a bigger argument
before are more like well,we're not going to get divorced
(13:58):
over this.
So if we're not going toactually get divorced over this,
is it really worth arguingabout?
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
You know, whereas before you're kind of like I can
just, can just walk out, I'dleave, oh definitely makes it
harder to walk out, that's forsure.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
Sure, that was.
I felt really like when I waspregnant.
I felt really vulnerable, yeah,and I was glad to be married
because I knew it would be a lotharder for him to leave and I,
I was a fucking nightmare.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
So I just remember you being like so cute and happy
pregnant.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
Oh my god, I was fucking miserable really.
I I was.
I was.
I broke out like you put onsuch a great face.
My face broke out.
I was puff.
I got preeclampsia so I wassuper puffy and miserable.
They put me on bed rest.
I was just miserable the wholetime.
Um, and now I know I'm prettysure that it's because I was
pumping my body full of folicacid.
Oh, and I have that myth forgene variation.
(14:50):
Yeah, it's it really hard formy body to methylate b vitamins
full of folic acid and I havethat Mithra gene variation.
It makes it really hard for mybody to methylate B vitamins,
and so folic acid actually islike toxic to me.
So I'm supposed to like avoidbreads and things that are
fortified with folic acidbecause my body doesn't know
what to do with it.
I can't detoxify it very well.
Interesting.
So I think pumping my body fullof folic acid, while great for
the baby, was not good for me.
(15:10):
Did you tell him that all the?
Speaker 2 (15:11):
time.
You're welcome, parker.
You're welcome.
Here's what I did for you.
I sacrificed so much.
Well, going back to like,circling back to that idea of
deals and that every marriagelooks different, I think is so
important to not have ahomogenized view of what it
(15:32):
should look like or is supposedto look like, because you and I
have some things in ourmarriages that I think are very
different than a lot of people,like your financial deal.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
Oh, yeah, we have separate finances, yeah, which
we didn't start out that way.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
No, I know.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Yeah, and it's been a lot.
I will say that, like finances,that's one of the things people
end up fighting a lot about,right?
Yeah, absolutely, and it hasbeen good for our marriage to
have separate finances becausethere's just like if he.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
So how does that work for the people who who like
break it down, for people whoaren't me?
Speaker 1 (16:13):
Like how we, how it works, yeah, yeah.
So we just split the, we splitthe bills and the
responsibilities and we each payfor our like.
We have a joint checkingaccount, right, and.
But so you put in like yourhalf of the mortgage or whatever
.
Each I'm like I'm responsible.
He's responsible for theproperty taxes, ok, and like one
of the phone bills, okay, andthen I'm responsible for you
(16:35):
know, the water, the groceries,okay.
So it's just like divide andconquer.
We divided the financialresponsibilities, but so in an
equitable way.
Yeah, so he pays what he needsto pay.
I pay what areas?
Sure, sure, like for I wouldusually pay for Parker's medical
co-pays and any kind of likeanything the insurance didn't
cover when he, like when hebroke his collarbone or you know
(16:55):
, shit happens, yeah, and healways paid for Parker's
mountain bike stuff and likesports things, okay.
And so we figure it pretty muchworks out in the wash, yeah,
yeah.
So that's how we did it andit's it's been a lot easier
because, then, because we justhave very different spending
habits.
Like, jeremy doesn't like creditcards, right, and I like credit
cards a lot, yeah, I use mycredit card for you make it work
(17:18):
for you.
I pay it off every month and Iuse the points and I really like
that, yeah, and he doesn't liketo do that, so he's very much
more like the cash guy, yeah,and so we don't have to argue
about that now, because we'reboth taking care of our parts of
the responsibility.
Yeah, but still taking, westill like, and it's it's.
It means a lot more to go outto dinner with somebody when
(17:40):
it's not your money they'repaying for, like oh, you're like
if he takes you to dinner, ifhe takes me to dinner and he
pays, it's like oh, thank you.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Oh, that's so funny.
As opposed to like, well,that's my money too, see, and
Hammer and I joke about that.
We'll go out to dinner and wehave the same card that goes to
the same bank account, but Iwill make a big show of it.
I'm like, no, no, let me, I'llget this one, honey.
You know it's all coming out ofthe same spot, but I've always
thought that was so interestingand I feel like I know couples
(18:14):
that that would work so well forthem, but it's not something
that they would ever think of,or they would think it was weird
, or and meant that they weren't.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Well, it's not traditional, but part of that's
because of the patriarchy,because for a long time, women
weren't even allowed to havechecking accounts or credit
cards or any of this.
Yeah, yeah, without theirpermission.
Maybe we're headed again, Idon't know, god damn.
Yeah, like the independent,that is not traditional.
Yeah, and I will say when webecause we had been financially
enmeshed for so long yeah, whendid decide to separate it out,
(18:53):
which we did because werecognized that our spending
habits were very different, yeah, and we had different ways we
wanted to manage our money.
Yeah, and it was just.
It was just really like well,why are we trying to?
Why do we keep banging our headagainst the same particular
wall when we could just haveseparate finances?
And Jeremy was way more intothe idea than I was, oh, because
he was way more stressed aboutit than I was.
I totally thought this was youridea.
No, interesting.
No, it was his idea and he wasway more into it than I was.
(19:14):
Okay Because he felt mainlybecause of the way I manage
money stressed him out really,really badly.
Sure, and, yes, I was not great.
So it did feel like a littlebit of a divorce, like
separating the finances afterhaving them enmeshed felt like a
divorce in the moment and I wasreally emotional about it,
(19:35):
really Very, very, veryemotional.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
Oh God, In my head I had this whole story, that this
was your idea.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
No, it wasn't my idea .
Okay, I was actually not evenon board.
Because I associate being youridea.
But then also, once ourfinances were separated because
he's never really been a big fanof me having my own business
he's a very much like clock in,clock out kind of guy.
Right, work for eight hours,get paid for eight hours yeah,
like that's a very straight linethat he can draw and he likes
that.
And I'm really entrepreneurialand I am a terrible employee
(20:02):
yeah, I'm unemployed, same, andso, like, for my mental health,
I kind of need to work formyself, yeah.
And so when we separated thefinances, I said like verbatim
okay, fine, we'll do this, we'llseparate the finances, but as a
result, you don't get a say inwhat I do.
Yeah, you don't get to chime inand say I really wish you had a
(20:22):
nine to five.
That would be steady andpredictable.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Because as long as I pay my bills, as long as I pay
my bills.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
As long as I pay my bills, what the fuck do you care
?
Yeah, and so that has removed.
That's been better, because nowI I have the and like freedom
is one of my core values.
I like, if I start to feelpenned in, yeah, I don't like I
freak out.
Yeah, and so having the freedomto make my own decisions was a
lot was really good for me, justas a person.
Yeah, so I didn't like it'snice.
It's nice to feel independentand not to have to like double
(20:49):
check with somebody when youmake a financial decision.
Like I've made some terriblefinancial decisions in the last
few years, Sure, but they're onme.
Like, yeah, I don't havesomebody also badgering me about
my financial decisions at home.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Right, right.
Yeah, I have that same thing.
I don't.
I was even like for years I didnot want to buy a house, yeah,
which I know is stupidfinancially but I was like, oh
my gosh, it just means I'm tiedto this place and I can't like,
oh, really, pick up and go if Iwant.
Yeah, oh, how funny, yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
See, that's.
I'm the opposite, becauseJeremy and I moved around so
much growing up, we bothcouldn't wait to just buy a
house and never move again.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
Oh see, I moved all the time but was like fine with
it, I didn't want to be.
And then Hammer was like well,you know, if you want to move,
you could just like rent it out,and you know, your trap door
Christmas.
Yeah, I was like, oh, whichsounds so stupid, right Like.
But in my mind I was like no,once you buy a house, you're
(21:44):
settled and that's just whereyou're like they put your feet
in cement right there.
You can't go anywhere.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
I'm so stagnant and over it you start growing moss.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
Yeah, god forbid, I know.
Yeah, I always thought thatthat was so smart of you guys
and I've been giving you credit,but now I'll give Jeremy credit
, but I still think it's smartthat you agreed to it.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
Well, I'm glad that we did because it removed a big
stressor that we don't like haveto have, like a lot of the
little nitpicky discussions thatyou have to have about money.
Yeah, I will say I pay for mostof the groceries and for a few
years there it was like I felt alittle bit of resentment
because I'm not going to come tohim every week and be like I
spent this much on groceries.
I'm just not that conscientious.
(22:29):
Of course, I don't even knowhow much I spent on groceries
sometimes.
Right, I'm not keeping track ofit, yeah.
But I know I was spending a tonof money, yeah, and I wouldn't
come to him and be like I needthis much money because I spent
this much.
But one of the reasons I payfor the groceries and he doesn't
is because I want if I want togo make Thai food, I don't want
to get a bunch of shit about the45 different sauces I had to
(22:52):
buy, yeah, so I also don't wantto get shit about.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
If I'm only buying grass fed, it's because I will
only eat grass fed.
Yeah, yeah, exactly, which Iknow.
I know there's a lot ofprivilege in that.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
I recognize it, yeah, totally recognizing the
privilege.
But I also like didn't want toargue about the food that I
wanted to buy, so I was willingto kind of take one on the chin
a little bit financially.
So it wasn't completely, maybeeven in that respect.
But now that his job is alittle more flexible he can stop
by the grocery store and grabstuff more often.
So it's a lot more even nowthan it used to be.
(23:24):
So I think it's great.
And I have friends who keptseparate finances and they just
have a joint checking that theycommit.
They commit money to together,so like they never enmeshed.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
Yeah, and there seems to work for them too, mom over.
So we had this correct amountof hamburger meat and then I was
going to the store and he said,can you get more?
You know, 80% ground chuck.
(23:56):
And I was like, great, I'll begetting grass fed.
And he was like, no, don't getgrass fed, like I don't want to
mix it, just get the kind that Ihave.
And I was like, no, I'm notgoing to do that, I'm just going
to buy grass fed.
And he's like the kind I got,it's humanely raised, it's
organic, it's just not grass-fed.
And I was like, really feelinguppity about it.
And he was like, if it was yourdish and you were making it and
(24:18):
you just wanted me to buy aningredient, you would just want
me to get what you wanted to get.
And I was like he's right.
I hate it when he's right.
But so I had to release thatone, which I know it sounds so
stupid.
But I was like I don't ever buythat.
(24:39):
Yeah, I mean you get in.
Yeah, yeah, well, and I knowhammer and I have, um, a deal
that blows people's minds, whichI've told you about our titty
money yeah, I, this blows mymind yeah, it blows your minds,
it blows a lot of people's mind.
So for his job he is in softwareand he will be with a bunch of
(25:01):
other software tech bros andthey'll be at conventions.
And sometimes people want to goto strip clubs and I just could
not give a shit less if he goesto strip clubs.
This is also where we diverge.
I know Two paths diverge.
I know I don't care, I don'tcare, but I do make it work for
me also, in that our deal is,however much he spends at said
(25:24):
strip club, I get to spend theexact equal amount on something
completely frivolous that I want, that has nothing to do with
him or our household or anything.
Titty money, titty money, yeah,spend as much as you want on
titties because I want theseboots, you know not boobs boots,
titty boots, yeah, yeah.
(25:44):
Or I want to.
You know, go out with mygirlfriends and like do this
thing, that has nothing to dowith you.
So I, I just don't care, I'mlike great, have a great time, I
will be spending all the tittymoney and that is our deal that
is part of your contract Right,which some people are like oh my
God, that's so great.
Some people are like you'reactually certifiably insane.
(26:05):
No, I love the way you've madeit work for you.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
Yeah, I.
Just the thought of Jeremygoing to a strip club makes me
want to murder somebody, likeI'm so possessive.
I know it's not good, I don'tknow how he's survived all these
years, but I think it's also agood sign, because if I didn't
care at all, yeah, Like, Like.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
What do you think's going to happen?
Doesn't matter, it kind of doesLike what.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Well, I don't want half-naked chicks rubbing up on
my man, for sure I don't evenreally like.
Why do you need to look at abunch of naked boobies Like,
come look at mine.
I'm kind of like.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
I don't care where you get your appetite, as long
as you eat at home.
Yeah, see, this is just wherewe differ.
Yeah, yeah, I'm like nakedchicks can be hot.
I can see you want to look atthem.
I want to look at them.
Sometimes I don't.
It's fine, go look Like yeah,but again this is why every
(27:05):
marriage is different, right andeveryone has their deals.
Speaker 1 (27:08):
I have friends who you know are swingers.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
And that's Same.
I don't mean I am, I mean Ihave friends that are.
And that is totally fine ifthat works for them and that
makes them happy and everybody'sconsenting Right.
I think that's one where youhave to have the most deals.
You have to have the clearestparameters.
Yeah, yeah, you'd have to likedraw like picture one of those
(27:32):
murder boards with red stringand pins, like, if this, then
this, if this, if this is okay,this is.
You'd have to have the mostdeals on that one.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
So a lot of it kind of comes down to communication.
Yes, right, yeah, and beingable to at least negotiate to
the same page yeah, and beingable to at least negotiate to
the same page, yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
And I know people who at times in their marriages
have been polyamorous and thenthey're like, oh, that was fun
for a while.
Now we're kind of over it, youknow, yeah, I have friends that
tried to have.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
Like, the wife wanted to have an open marriage and
the husband didn't Ooh, thatwould be a hard one, and they
ended up divorcing.
Yeah, I think she was just overit.
No-transcript.
Speaker 2 (28:36):
I'm kidding, oh sorry , birdie's offended, birdie's
offended by that.
Birdie she's like don't youdare?
Would I ever get married again?
Um, I kind of don't know why Iwould feel the need to Same.
I mean, I didn't even reallyfeel the need to be married with
(28:57):
Hammer.
He was more about being marriedthan me.
Speaker 1 (29:02):
Well, there are a lot of people that believe that
it's an antiquated institution.
Yeah, that it's patriarchal.
And you know, we change ourlast name.
We lose our last name as female.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
I do think it's different if kids are involved
yeah, it definitely makes iteasier logistically to have the
same last name.
Yeah, and I remember there weretimes when mom was married to
someone else and we would have adifferent last name and I was
always kind of like annoying,like who goes with who?
Right, I can't say yes, Idefinitely would, because I
(29:35):
don't know why I would feel theneed to, but I also can't say
like no, I never would, becausewho knows what the circumstances
would be, you know, I thinkit's a very romantic idea if
things go really shitty in thiscountry and a hammer dies and
it's my like, I can get somescissors.
Speaker 1 (29:58):
Marry a Canadian, yes , or maybe a Spanish.
Speaker 2 (30:02):
Any people of the UK or Canadians or Western Europe
who are looking for a mail-orderAmerican bride?
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Yeah, apply, here you have to send referrals too.
Speaker 2 (30:15):
Um, but I wouldn't, yeah, I guess I just can't.
Part of me wouldn't see thepoint, unless it was for
something like that.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
Jeremy and I talked about it and like I I don't even
know if I'd want to like it'dbe difficult to live with
somebody, like after Jeremy andI've been living together
essentially, yeah, since 2002,yeah, so how?
Speaker 2 (30:38):
they're 23 years, yeah, like.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
I'm very we're very used to each other's quirks,
like it used to drive me fuckingcrazy when he'd leave the
dresser drawers.
Oh boy, he leaves me crazy whenI'm at your house.
Oh, I know, I know.
Last time you came over youshut all of those which I did
for years.
I couldn't help it.
I know that was hilarious.
You walked straight into mybedroom and you shut all the
(31:01):
dresser drawers and it's it's.
Jeremy's dresser drawer was adifferent variation of open.
Yeah, it looked like the mostfucked up advent calendar.
He'd ever seen and he's alwaysdone that and it's always driven
me fucking crazy.
But then one time I talked toyour mom about it, I was like
(31:21):
just bitching about it and shewas like, oh honey, he doesn't
even see it.
Yeah, he doesn't, he doesn'tsee it, it doesn't bother him.
And I guarantee you you dostuff that drives him crazy that
you don't see?
Speaker 2 (31:31):
Oh, you know what I do.
I think I'm as bad as Jeremywhen I'm cooking and this has
been pointed out to me a coupletimes recently by multiple
people that I have lived withboth my husband and other
roommates.
If I need something out of, say, the pantry, I open the door to
the pantry, I go do the thingand I just leave it open because
(31:51):
I know I'm going to get back inthere when I'm done in the
pantry I'll shut it, but if Iknow I'm going to be getting
other things out of it, even ifit's 45 minutes later, I just
leave it open.
That's very efficient.
Except my husband will comehome and he's like every fucking
pantry door is open.
What is happening?
And I was like well, I wasstill using it.
It's like I've been home forhalf an hour and you haven't
(32:12):
gone over there once.
It's like yes, but I know in 10more minutes I'm going to need
some Maldon salt.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
Yes, so we all have these weird quirky things that
we do, that drive are going todrive our partner crazy.
But, like I'm so used to it now, you'll notice, the drawers
were still open when you gothome and you were just like, eh
yeah, I just I don't see it mostof the time now and if I do
notice it I'm like, well, it'sjust going to be like that in
five minutes if I close them.
So what's the point?
Like that's the face of myenergy.
(32:37):
Yeah, and honestly, who cares?
Yeah, like is it really thatimportant?
Yeah, so it doesn't drive mecrazy anymore.
I notice, if anything, it laughnow because it's like why, why,
why three inches for thatdrawer?
Why is that drawer three inchesopen and the other one six
inches open and the other one'sclosed?
Speaker 2 (32:57):
I will say which is so weird.
No, I don't know if I would getmarried again, but I would find
living with another humanpretty difficult.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
That's where I was going with this.
Yeah, because I like I'm soused to the way that he operates
, like sometimes you, you canalmost parallel play after a
while with your partner, like wedon't have to be talking.
Yeah, we can just sort of like,like you, almost you know what
he's reaching for in the cabinet, so you just hand it to him or
whatever.
Speaker 2 (33:27):
And yeah, and I have had roommates that I could live
with again, who were great andwho I loved, but I'm also.
I so treasure and relish myalone time, and maybe part of
that is because I'm married andit doesn't happen as much I know
.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
You've actually told me I couldn't come over because
you were having your alone time.
Yeah, you're like.
No, you got to come the nextnight because I'm still out of
town, I'm still having my alonetime.
That happens, yeah, it happensall the time.
I'm eating mushrooms all bymyself.
So for those who don't know,hammer hates mushrooms yeah, not
, yeah, I'm not just likegetting high on mushrooms by
myself.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
No, whenever he goes out of town.
Do you want to hang out?
I'm like no, no, no, I'll hangout when hammer's in town.
When hammer's out of town, it'sjust me and birdie I get that,
although I don't sleep good whenhe's gone um I didn't used to,
(34:24):
uh, but well, you and I bothhave a taser.
We also both don't mouth tapewhen yes, we also both don't
mouth tape when yes, we alsoboth don't mouth tape when he's
gone.
We also got an alarm, oh nice.
Speaker 1 (34:35):
Yeah, I will mouth tape if Parker's home.
Like I'm fine if Parker's home.
Speaker 2 (34:39):
Yeah, I would be fine if there's another and I even
sometimes do it if someone isstaying.
Like if you were staying herein the cottage, I would probably
do it.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
Yeah, I think it's just someone else on the
property, except you wouldn'tinvite me over because Hammer
would be gone and you'd behaving your alone time.
So I would never be here whenHammer was gone.
Speaker 2 (34:52):
I might let you, after he was gone a couple days.
Speaker 1 (34:55):
Thank you, I'm so special, lucky me.
Speaker 2 (34:59):
Well, he used to travel a lot more in which case
I absolutely wouldn't but he'sbeen traveling less, yeah.
Speaker 1 (35:05):
Ever since.
Speaker 2 (35:06):
COVID, it's less yeah .
Speaker 1 (35:10):
Yeah, it would be really tough at my age, Like and
I think I'm getting more set inmy ways.
Yeah, Like when we went so forour 20th anniversary.
Yes, you know you just got backfrom a fabulous trip.
We have not gone on an actualtrip together for longer than
like a couple of days.
Yeah, since Parker was born.
Yeah, since our honeymoon.
That was like the last big tripwe went on.
Speaker 2 (35:30):
Where'd guys go on your honeymoon again, cabo?
Oh, that's right we'd snorkeledthat's right scuba dived.
Speaker 1 (35:34):
Actually, I don't think we snorkeled, we scuba
dived.
We did the baja racing, we didall you didn't snorkel, but you
did scuba.
Speaker 2 (35:40):
Yeah, that seems like that's backwards.
We're just you're.
You're such a rebel, we're justhard like that, yeah, I always
tell you great.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
Um well, it's mexico.
They let you scream, they don'tgive a fuck.
Speaker 2 (35:50):
You lose this, so you gotta make down there while you
put this in your mouth and headon down, get it while it
getting good, yeah, yeah you cansnorkel in hawaii or anywhere.
Speaker 1 (35:59):
Oh, it's true.
Yeah, so we planned this trip.
Jeremy was like, well, let's,what do you think about driving
up, down up to oregon, where westopped our last trip in seaside
, yeah, and seeing the rest ofthe southern oregon coast like
the rest of the coast, and so wetook a full week off and we
went from like Friday to Fridayand we did this whole big ass
Oregon trip together.
Where was I going with this?
Speaker 2 (36:21):
You hadn't done this since Parker was little.
You decided to take this trip.
It was your anniversary, yeah,but I had a point and I totally
lost it.
The point was it's hard to livewith people.
We're going to land the plane.
Hard to live with people,sometimes hard to even like
exist with people.
Hammer doesn't travel so much.
I'm going to figure it outbeing alone.
Speaker 1 (36:44):
Oh, stuck in our ways .
Yes, nailed it.
Okay, thank you.
So stuck in our ways.
So, even on the trip, like wewere staying in, we didn't camp,
we were staying in really nicehotels every night, yeah, but I
found myself like one night theblanket was kind of scratchy, it
had like a texture Okay and Iwas like every time I, oh my God
(37:06):
, my dog just farted.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
Just so you know that was not me.
I would assume Dog farts dosmell different.
Just saying yeah, they are Okay.
Speaker 1 (37:13):
But like little things that maybe wouldn't have
used to bother me.
I'm now like oh, the texture onthat blanket kept me up all
night because I'd like roll overand it would like Ooshie bitch
it would.
I know, I know, but it's noteven like I don't care how
expensive the blanket is.
But why would you put thattexture on a blanket?
Okay, Was it like a waffle?
It was like a lined situation.
(37:35):
It was like a raised, Likeribbed, Ribbed.
It was ribbed For your pleasure, Not for no pleasure.
It was not ribbed for mypleasure, it was.
Maybe somebody else enjoyed it.
Okay, but it like every time.
Did he notice?
Did he notice?
No, he asked me in the night orhe asked me if I slept.
Okay, you know, we always likeat the age where we have to ask
no.
Speaker 2 (37:53):
I'll just put you to sleep.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
Yeah, no absolutely First thing we say every morning
, yeah, and so I was like ohterrible, this blanket was just
ribby all night long.
Speaker 2 (38:03):
So ribby Was he just like you were insane.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
Yeah, he was laughing because he's like, oh my
fucking God, but also he has tohave the fan on when we sleep.
Speaker 2 (38:12):
Oh, that would be a deal breaker for me.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
I'm okay with it on like low.
This was the same night that Islept with the ribbed blanket.
Okay, this was Abandoned Dunes,oh, okay.
So we played golf at AbandonedDunes, yeah, and I stayed there
one night, yeah, and the ceilingfan was on it way high like
vaulting ceiling okay, and thatprobably couldn't figure out it
was on high.
Oh that would.
That's a deal like spinning onhigh, yeah, and we couldn't
(38:35):
figure out how to turn it downor off or anything.
There was no remotes, like itwas beyond me, and I was gonna
go down to the the front deskand ask.
But he was like I'm actuallykind of enjoying it, can we just
leave it on?
And it's our anniversary.
So I'm like everybody.
All right, I'll suffer through.
I didn't like when it's glowy.
Every time the ribbed blanketwoke me up, my hair was blowing
(38:57):
in my face.
It was the worst.
So I'm getting reallyparticular in my old age.
And all this is just to sayhaving someone else come in my
space.
Do I need to buy youcompression socks?
Speaker 2 (39:17):
I might need a weighted blanket blanket like a
weighted cooling blanket.
No, I'm not a weighted blanket.
Speaker 1 (39:20):
It's not cooling um.
Parker sleeps with a weightedblanket.
Speaker 2 (39:21):
I bought one for me and he stole it I got one um and
then I, not long after, got apit bull, and it turns out they
provide the exact sameexperience.
Speaker 1 (39:37):
I feel that she's laying on my leg right now.
Yeah, it's not nothing.
Speaker 2 (39:41):
Yeah Well, and when she and I are, you know, on the
couch in like the chaiseposition, she is in the leg
basket and I have a 65-poundweighted blanket that works
really well.
Speaker 1 (39:54):
Yeah, pets are another thing, another source of
contention sometimes inmarriage.
Like Moo, our dog, parkerwanted the dog.
Yeah, and of course I wanted adog too, because I love dogs.
Sure, but Jeremy really didn'twant a dog.
Is he a cat person?
No, cats love him, I will say.
But he doesn't love them backhe, they're fine, but he doesn't
like litter boxes and I don'tlike litter boxes either but
(40:16):
he's fine with cats, but he he'snot like.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
He loves moo and moo loves him more than anybody, I
think, in the house that'salways the way, that it's always
the people that are like kindof insouciant to the animals
that they're just like.
Are you, my dad?
Speaker 1 (40:29):
love me, love me, yeah, and I mean I've told you.
He says, you know, he calls hera little monster or whatever.
And yeah, he says, you know,when she's gone, no more dogs
they're put, they're crampingour style or whatever.
Yeah, and I am like, oh god, Idon't know, let's not talk about
that yeah but also I have somany pictures of him cuddling
(40:49):
her and like snuggling her, Icould make a calendar.
Oh, yeah, oh, you should make acalendar for his birthday One
of these days.
I'm going to make a calendar ofthem spooning.
Speaker 2 (41:00):
Yeah, just for his birthday, A 12-month calendar.
I'm sure he'd love it.
Yeah, well, our last dog was agiant English Mastiff who
wouldn't fit on the bed with us,my app, wouldn't fit on the bed
with us, my app.
So when we you know, we werelooking at adopting another dog,
hammer was like no dogs on thebed, the dog is not sleeping on
the bed.
And I was like yes, it mostcertainly is.
(41:22):
And he was like no, it's not.
And I was like, all right, thefirst night we brought Birdie
home, she was like going intoher crate and she was like, okay
, but like he was like she doeslook really snuggly.
And I was like, well, you canbring her up if you want.
And this dog slept on the bedevery single night and I tell
(41:45):
her all the time.
I'm like, well, the three of uswill be in bed together.
And I'm like bird pretty,remember when he said no dogs in
the bed ever.
Do you remember that?
And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was kind of wrong about that
one, yeah yeah, we can't.
Speaker 1 (42:01):
Moo can't sleep with us.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
She's snoring down your mouth, taper I'm sure no,
that's no um, the the thing thathammer did that used to drive
me the craziest.
I think he wears contacts andat night he would like just take
that, like he wouldn't brushhis teeth and wash his face and
take the contacts out.
He would brush his teeth, watchhis face.
(42:22):
He would get into bed, take thecontacts out and just like drop
them next to the bed on thefloor.
Sometimes they would hit thefloor, sometimes they would hit
the nightstand, but you knowthat then they become like
little shards of glass yeah,when they dry out they're hard
Glass, yeah, and it used to makeme insane.
(42:44):
And he just he would drop thembehind the nightstand or behind
the headboard and I'd be dustingand find just this pile of
glass shards and I was like youhave to be kidding me.
What?
What is this?
Were you raised by wolves?
He's like I don't understandbed I don't want to like get out
to.
So if you go into our bedroomon his nightstand you will see a
(43:07):
little cup.
Oh, I had to put a cup there.
That is his contact receptaclecup.
Speaker 1 (43:14):
So it's an empty cup that he fills with contacts.
So it's a bunch of driedcontacts.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
That is fascinating, isn't it so weird?
People come over and I can tellhe gets kind of embarrassed
when people come over.
People are like what is that?
I'm like, oh, that's hiscontact cup.
Cup, it's a cup of contactlenses, cold contacts.
Yeah, that's funny, but he justwould not.
Once he was, like, settled inbed, you know, he was done
(43:39):
looking at his phone which hewanted the contacts for.
He doesn't wear glasses.
He does, but you like, duringthe day he usually would wear
contacts and he wouldn't.
Then you know, mr Rogers style,get home and take his contacts
out and put his glasses on.
Speaker 1 (43:50):
No, but I wear contacts and I take them out
when I brush my teeth, like inthe evening, or like at some
point in the evening.
I just feel like I need to takemy contacts out because I've
been in all day and then I wearmy glasses to read and do other
things.
Yeah, if I'm watching TV in theevening, I'm wearing my glasses
usually.
Speaker 2 (44:08):
Yeah, no, that's not how he rolls.
Speaker 1 (44:10):
No, I mean on days that he wears his glasses he
just wears his glasses all dayand doesn't fuck with the
contacts.
But I mean, I say I say that Iwouldn't get married again.
And Jeremy, I've talked, we'vetalked about this, we joke about
this all the time Like what wasyou?
How would you even date?
How would you find people?
Like we're such homebodies andlike would you?
How would you find somebody?
If something happened to me,would you date again?
Would you get married again orwhatever?
Speaker 2 (44:31):
I could see you finding someone.
I can't really see him findingsomeone and that's not a slam on
Jeremy, because you know I loveJeremy.
I just can't see him wanting tolike put himself out there.
Speaker 1 (44:42):
I think he he's very like social when it comes to
sports and stuff, though.
Oh, there is that and.
But so he he just finds somenice lesbian friends.
No, we have he.
Somebody would introduce him tosomebody we have a pretty we
have like a pretty wide friendgroup and that's like pretty
diverse yeah, and somebody wouldintroduce he would not be
single for long and I don't.
Speaker 2 (45:03):
And this is not a slam on you it would be really
hard for me to set you up withsomeone.
Well, I'm obsessed with Jeremyso I know it would be really
hard to.
I know, yeah, you're alwayslike are people hot?
I don't know if people are hot.
Jeremy's the only person Ithink is hot, and I'm just like
you're so weird.
Speaker 1 (45:22):
I know it's weird.
As soon as I decided thatJeremy was for me, everybody
else ceased to be attractive atall.
I don't get like, yeah, godlove you, that's a good thing,
right.
Speaker 2 (45:33):
Yeah, no, it's a great thing.
That's why you would be reallyhard for me to find.
Speaker 1 (45:39):
Well, let's just hope we don't ever have to deal with
that.
Speaker 2 (45:42):
Well, if, once they go, we're just going to move in
together.
You want to be part of theGolden Girls compound?
How many people are in this?
Five want to be part of thegolden girls compound.
Speaker 1 (45:55):
Uh, how many people are?
Speaker 2 (45:57):
in this five?
No, that's too many.
You get your own tiny house allof nearby.
Okay, how big is this property?
I mean, I also already havepeople I'm planning on being on
a compound with.
Oh well, then I don't need youon my compound no, I said I'll
be on my compound.
Speaker 1 (46:09):
Well, that's what I'm saying.
You can be on.
Well then, I don't need you onmy compound.
Speaker 2 (46:11):
No, I said I'll be on my compound.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
You can be on my compound, butI don't know if I want everyone
else.
Speaker 1 (46:15):
Okay, that's fine, that's fair.
Yeah, I don't know how manyacres, but I do have a dream
someday like to have a big pieceof property that I have like a
bunch of tiny houses on that.
We're not within visible,visible distance of one another.
Speaker 2 (46:28):
Yeah, yeah, no, I like that.
I don't know how tiny I want myhouse to be I don't either, but
Like this size would be fine,for just me and 30.
Speaker 1 (46:36):
Yeah, what are we in 1,000 square feet?
Oh God no.
Speaker 2 (46:37):
No 600?
Speaker 1 (46:39):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (46:39):
God, this is like 650 .
I'm so bad at measuring.
1,500?
, 200?
I think this little cottage islike 650.
Okay, yeah, this is great forone person and one dog.
Speaker 1 (46:52):
Yeah, I think it would depend on the layout of
the house.
Yes, and also, like I wouldn't,I don't know.
The allure of like big,spacious houses is increasingly
becoming less attractive.
Oh, I don't have that.
Speaker 2 (47:08):
I don't need a big house at all.
Like our house that Hammer andI live in is less than 1,200
square't.
Have that, I don't need it.
I don't need a big house at all.
Like like our house is ourhouse that Hammer and I live in
is less than 1200 square feet.
Speaker 1 (47:21):
Yeah, and that would be probably the max I would want
to go.
It's fine.
Yeah, I wouldn't want any morespace.
Yeah, but I would like maybesome outbuildings.
Like I'd like to have my officenot attached to my house.
I'd love to be able to like goto into an office that was
separate from the house.
Speaker 2 (47:39):
Yeah, I have that, which is, yeah, you love your
studio, which is beautiful, yeah, well, and also necessary,
since hammer and I both workfrom home.
Yeah, if we both worked fromhome in the same house, which we
have, it gets tight.
Well, yeah, you know, luckilyI'm on that end of the property
(48:01):
and he's at the other end.
Speaker 1 (48:03):
Well, especially down the road, like Jeremy, when he
retires.
Speaker 2 (48:06):
I'm so excited for him to have his like man.
What's it called His shop Shop?
We'll see the county.
I'm all excited for him to havehis like man.
What's it called His shop Shop?
Speaker 1 (48:12):
We'll see the county, his studio, the studio.
The county is still giving us ahard time about that, so we're
still working on that.
But what if you just did itwithout them knowing?
I know?
Right, yeah, I know we'vetalked about this.
It's too complicated to getinto right now.
Speaker 2 (48:26):
All right, right, but also, I'm sure so many people
in the county of what's yourcounty?
Placer Placer, are listening.
Speaker 1 (48:39):
No, I mean I would, I would outlaw it.
I don't think our neighborswould care, but my dad would.
He would flip out like he wantsto do it by the book and he's
also mad at the county now.
So we're kind of fighting withthem.
He's going to bite his nose tospite his face.
Yeah, a little bit he's.
Yeah, he's talking about trent,I don't know it's.
(48:59):
This is not.
We're so far off topic, we are.
We're marriage.
No, it's back to magic.
Yeah, so all this is just tosay like yeah, I think there's
lots of different ways to do it.
Yeah, and I I think personallythat, like identifying deal
breakers right off the bat isimportant and you kind of know
what you have to fight about andwhat you don't have to fight
about.
Speaker 2 (49:14):
Yeah, I'm trying to think what my other deal
breakers would be.
If you're a bad tipper oryou're rude to wait staff, no,
that's a deal breaker for sure.
Speaker 1 (49:26):
I don't think you would get far enough with
somebody to get married to them.
That's true.
Speaker 2 (49:32):
But if he all of a sudden became a bad temper, I
would look for a tumor.
I'd be like you have one ofthose brain worms.
Speaker 1 (49:39):
Yeah, well, see, so that's health related.
Yeah, what do you do ifsomebody get?
Like I would?
Yeah, and Jeremy's like he's sosteady and faithful that if he
ever did cheat on me I'd be likeyou have a brain tumor, let's
go to the doctor.
Something is wrong with you.
It's not me, it's you, it's you.
He's just not that guy.
(50:01):
I've always been likeunreasonably afraid of him
cheating on me for some reason,yes, very unreasonably, I would
say.
I blame my parents for thattrauma.
Yeah, yeah, sure, I.
Yes, for some reason, veryunreasonably, I would say, I
blame my parents for that.
Yeah, yeah, I found out toomuch at too young an age.
Yeah, no, that's true.
And so I blame them for myanxious attachment disorders.
Yeah, but your mom would alwaysbe like Jeremy's not built like
that, that's not how he's built.
(50:21):
Yeah, and so I just I hear yourmom in my head whenever I start
to spin out.
Yeah, that's not built like that.
Yeah, and I and I should beable to embody that thought,
because I'm not built like that.
Yeah, I couldn't, I couldn't, Iwouldn't, it just wouldn't
(50:42):
happen.
Speaker 2 (50:42):
No, I would take you to the doctor too.
I'd be like I hope so.
Yeah, I would be like wait, youhave a roving eye.
Yeah, how many fingers am Iholding up?
Follow my finger.
Speaker 1 (50:51):
You could just assume that I had a giant tumor in my
brain.
Yeah, sure, if my behavior wasthat erratic.
Speaker 2 (50:56):
Yeah, absolutely so, yeah.
So at that point I mean yeah,yeah.
Although if he was all of asudden like no more dogs
sleeping in the bed, I'd be like, well, bertie and I are going
to miss you.
Well, bertie and I are going tomiss you you wouldn't assume he
had a brain tumor.
Yeah, I would assume he had abrain tumor.
Speaker 1 (51:13):
But if he didn't Straight to the doctor?
Speaker 2 (51:14):
But if he didn't and it was just this Then he's gone.
Yeah, well, we could still bemarried, but he would have to
move, he would have to leave, hewould have to move the marital
bed.
You're out of here.
Yeah, that's fair.
Speaker 1 (51:27):
You're sleeping in your office, bro, yeah well,
that's all I have to say aboutmarriage um, I don't think I
have anything else to say either.
Speaker 2 (51:40):
Good job, I feel like we're both doing okay at this
marriage thing.
Yeah, I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of you.
I'm more proud of you becauseyou're seven years ahead of me
20 years.
Speaker 1 (51:50):
20 years is long time .
It's kind of like it blows mymind when I think about it.
Speaker 2 (51:53):
Yeah, does it make you feel old or just like proud
of yourself A little bit old?
Speaker 1 (51:58):
Because I'm like oh damn, 20 years, yeah, I've been
with him longer.
I'm 45 and we've been together23 years.
Speaker 2 (52:04):
Oh, so you've been with him longer than you have
been without him.
Speaker 1 (52:07):
yeah, so that's kind of weird to think about like
yeah, um, but yeah, it's huhwell, good job.
Speaker 2 (52:16):
Happy anniversary I didn't get you anything that's.
I'm not a gifts.
Speaker 1 (52:21):
I know love language is not gifts, so that I'll make
you dinner tonight.
Speaker 2 (52:24):
Ooh, do you respond to food?
Yeah, sorry, jeremy, you're nothere, but he doesn't care that
much about food anyways.
No, he doesn't, all right wellall right.
Speaker 1 (52:31):
Well, um, you know where to find us.
Speaker 2 (52:33):
Yes, check the show notes, and soon we will know
where to find us too.
okay, welcome back to dead mom scavenger hunt yes,
welcome back, we're back backand better than ever?
Speaker 2 (00:10):
uh duh, just keep getting better with age.
I mean I want you.
I mean, yeah, speaking of ageand things that are old, your
marriage, where are you goingwith this?
Well, you just celebrated apretty big milestone for
marriage.
Marriage, 20 years.
(00:32):
We did, congratulations, thankyou uh, it was.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
That's a big deal.
That's a big deal for anyone.
That's a really big deal.
Um, my parents neither one ofmy parents stayed married for
very long.
Yeah, any of the times they gotmarried.
Speaker 2 (00:48):
Same.
Yeah.
Well, my dad's been married forlonger, but that's a whole
different can of worms.
Speaker 1 (00:55):
Is he happy?
Speaker 2 (00:56):
No, absolutely not.
Speaker 1 (00:58):
So my dad was not super stoked when Jeremy and I
got engaged, I remember, and heinsisted that we go to therapy,
I remember, to make sure that wewere going to be okay.
Yeah, which is like there's noguarantees.
Speaker 2 (01:09):
No, you then had to go to therapy over a sandwich.
Well, that was later.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:13):
Over a chicken salad sandwich.
Yeah, put a pin in that, we'llcircle back.
He was like you, we got married, yeah.
And then every year, like everyyear that we were married, he
got like a little bit lessskeptical, right.
Less nervous, less nervous.
And then we hit 10 years, yeah,and he completely like 180.
(01:34):
Looped and it was like allabout us being married.
Oh, interesting, and I thinkit's because him and my mom were
married for 10 years.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Okay, so he, you made it out of the woods.
Speaker 1 (01:42):
We now we've done something he didn't wasn't able
to do, sure, and so and like Idon't think I know it's like it
takes two to tango, yeah, um,and they both definitely had,
like, their issues in themarriage and stuff.
I would agree, but our marriage, like mine and Jeremy's
marriage, is so much differentthan theirs, like like it's just
every marriage is so different.
(02:03):
Your mom helped me understandthat because I would see, like
other couples doing things thatdidn't make sense to me.
Like like this one friend ofours cheated on her husband,
yeah, and he took her back andthey ended up like with one of
our best friends and he, he tookher back and they've, they're
still together.
Really, it blew my mind.
(02:23):
Do I know this person?
I don't think so, okay, great,but it blew my mind because I
was like, oh my God, how do youget over that?
And your mom was like Bonniewas like, well, that's not your
contract, yeah, that's theircontract, right.
And that concept to me wasreally interesting because it
was like each, like everyrelationship, especially a
(02:51):
marriage, right has its owncontract that you negotiate with
your partner and you canrenegotiate that contract at any
time, right, also true.
So that was like something thatyour mom gave me like a concept
, a way of thinking aboutmarriage and the relationship
that has been really, reallyhelpful to me over the years.
Speaker 2 (02:59):
Yeah, would that be your biggest tip or trick, like
figure out what your contract is?
I have a couple actually.
Okay, let's get into it.
Speaker 1 (03:08):
Yeah, I think identifying your deal breakers
right out of the gate, okay, andit feels a little taboo to give
marriage advice, so I'm notdoing that.
Don't consider this marriageadvice, but I will just convey
we're not going to get sued, no,I mean, it's bad luck, oh, oh,
because I am very aware thatit's like these are observations
(03:32):
, this isn't advice, these areobservations, these are just
observations.
Yes, absolutely, yeah, okay.
So I think that it's helpful toidentify deal breakers right
out of the gate, okay, thingsthat you know are going that
you're not going to be able tocome back from, sure.
So for Jeremy and I, it wascheating and hitting.
Like if you ever cheated on me,yeah, or you ever hit me, yeah,
(03:53):
I know I could never come backfrom that and have the same
quality, like just personallybecause of my own trauma, yeah.
Speaker 2 (03:59):
For me.
I don't think it would even.
It wouldn't even be hitting it,would be any kind of like
physicality.
Speaker 1 (04:05):
Yeah, okay.
Like pushing someone I justliked that cheating and beating
it rhymed, and so that, oh,that's nice, that's nice.
Speaker 2 (04:14):
Like a nice mnemonic device.
Speaker 1 (04:15):
Cheating and beating, cheating and beating those are
my deal breakers, but.
But anything else you have towork through, sure.
So it kind of sets you up for ascenario where, like, also,
like, if you ever we talkedabout it, I'm like I guess if
you ever wanted out, all you'dhave to do is cheat on me
because I'm fucking gone.
Speaker 2 (04:34):
I feel like there's better ways to get out.
Depends on how much of achicken shit you are.
I guess that's true.
That's true, yeah.
That's true, yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:43):
And no offense to my friends who are chicken shits,
because I do have a friend whoreally needs to get divorced.
By the way, if you're listening, I love you.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
Well, no, but also, if you're listening and you just
heard a weird sigh in thebackground and you're not a
Patreon, so you're not gettingthe video, that is my dog
snoring.
She's sitting in between us.
Yes, okay, sorry, carry on, nooffense to your chicken shit
friends.
Speaker 1 (05:09):
No, I don't.
I don't mean that because Iknow how hard it is, like it's
not easy, no, to end arelationship if you are getting
divorced.
Yeah, it's difficult and thereare financial obstacles and you
know logistical and emotional,all of the things right.
Speaker 2 (05:24):
I feel like the logistical obstacles are some of
the hardest ones for people.
Even when they're, and thenwith or without kids involved,
that adds a whole other degreeof difficulty.
Speaker 1 (05:34):
I just.
I have a friend who used tohave dreams that her husband
cheated on her and she'd wake upso happy because then, she
could leave.
Oh, I think I know who this is.
Yeah and, but but yeah, so I.
I'm glad my parents divorcedSame.
Speaker 2 (05:49):
Same.
Speaker 1 (05:49):
Because they were terrible for each other, same
and.
I think not every, not everytwo, not every pair is meant to
be together, like I think in ourinstance, jeremy and I are just
like he's my best friend.
Yeah, I love him to death.
Yeah, our chemistry is reallygood.
I've always felt really, reallyattracted to him and, yeah,
he's just like the best person Iknow.
(06:10):
Yeah, but not everybody feelsthat way and we do change.
Speaker 2 (06:18):
Like if you're not growing together, you might be
growing apart.
Right, it's hard and that'sokay too.
Yeah, but I totally agree, myparents were terrible together
and I think part of separatingis teaching your kid or me in
this scenario like yourhappiness should be a priority.
If people that are like, oh,we're just gonna stick out for
(06:40):
the kids, but you're fuckingmiserable, what is that?
Teaching your kids Like yeah,yeah, it is.
I mean, the kids are watchingus.
Yeah, and happiness is a choiceand you can choose it or not to
.
And then the kids are like oh,so you spent 20 years miserable
because of me.
I didn't want that, I didn'tchoose that, you know yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:02):
I mean it's it's difficult right being married is
difficult.
Speaker 2 (07:05):
Yes, and I think you and I I've only been married 13
years.
That's still a really fuckinglong time.
It is the first time I gotmarried.
I was not good at it.
I should have been better andwas better the second time.
So it's lasted longer, mainlybecause of me.
Speaker 1 (07:28):
Because you're taking credit.
Speaker 2 (07:29):
For how long?
No, I mean I'm saying that likethe first one, I wasn't good at
it.
But there was also the thingthat you can't get past, which
is like one person wants kidsand one person doesn't.
Speaker 1 (07:41):
Yes, that's kind of those are fundamental.
Yes, like values, yeah, youwant.
And I told Jeremy before we gotmarried I was like, well, I
want, he didn't want kids.
Yeah, when we were like 22, 23,talking about initially, yeah,
and I was like, well, Idefinitely want at least one kid
, so don't marry me if you don'twant at least one kid.
Yeah.
So he knew like this, yes, I issomething I want.
(08:04):
Yeah, he was like, well, I'mwilling to.
You know, we can try it.
Speaker 2 (08:09):
It doesn't work out, We'll send it back.
Well, yeah, and I was.
I knew I didn't want one, but Iwas also like well, maybe I
don't know.
And I was like what am I?
No, like, yeah, that's not agood reason to have kids also.
No if you have a desire to havekids like the only people who
should be having kids are peoplewho really, really want them,
(08:30):
agreed, not people who are like,well, let's see how this goes.
You know what are your thoughtson going to bed more nights
(08:52):
earlier than my husband?
Because I like to read in bed.
I'm a reader of books in bed.
Do that people?
She reads, I know how to readguys Spoiler alert.
She I know how to read it.
I know how to read guys spoileralert.
She knows how to read, and Ikind of actually also enjoy my
(09:12):
little alone time with my bookin bed.
So I'm totally fine with it.
I also enjoy my alone timegetting up earlier and like
making tea, and you know I'llbring tea into him, because
we're both nerdy tea drinkers.
Um, oh shit, I forgot to bringyou the tea.
That's fine, damn it.
That's okay.
I guess you have to come back,um, so I'm fine, I don't have.
(09:35):
I think it's fine.
If you don't, why?
What do you think?
I think it's been kind ofpivotal yeah, you guys go to bed
at the same time and get up atthe same time.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
It's not like a deal breaker, we don't?
There have been a handful oftimes when one of us stays up
later.
Yeah, but usually we go to bedat the same time, wake up at the
same time, Like if he gets upto go to the gym at 4.30, I get
up with him.
Speaker 2 (09:58):
Yeah, but then you often go back to bed.
Speaker 1 (10:00):
Yes, sometimes, if he gets up to go to the gym, I
will quite often go back tosleep, especially in the winter
when it's dark.
Yeah, I'm not going to walk thedog in the dark.
Yeah, it's just early, yeah,and I'm tired.
But I get up with him and likeit's turned into kind of like a
ritual time, like we reallyenjoy.
Well, I won't speak for him.
Speaker 2 (10:18):
I really enjoy it.
He's all to just stay in bed,god I'd love some quiet a little
bit, this bitch, yeah, but it's.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
I like that time in the kitchen when it's just the
two of us and like the consciouscollective is kind of quiet.
Yeah, and we're, you know, Imake his coffee, he gets his
lunch together or whatever, andthen I like kiss him goodbye and
right, sometimes go back to bedI.
Speaker 2 (10:40):
I do think it's a different dynamic because you
also have a kid in the house.
Yeah, so ours is only just thetwo of us.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Yeah, but going to bed at the same time I think is
really helpful for, like yoursex life, I think it can be.
Speaker 2 (10:58):
But also there's Also you don't have kids in the
house so you could have anafternoon delight anytime you
want, yes, yes.
Or we could go have sex andhe's like I'm gonna go watch
andor or fucking whatever youknow, and I'm like, well, I'm
gonna sit here and read mybritish murder mystery like
thanks, thanks for the sex,enough situational.
Yeah, I think it's.
Yeah, I think it's sexuational,sexuational.
You heard it here first.
(11:20):
Yeah, it's a word, look it up,um, so yeah.
No, I don't have strongfeelings on that, but I can
definitely see if you hadanother person in the house who
could just be rolling in at anytime.
You know, yeah, I will say andI think you and I have talked
about this and agree that thefirst year of marriage is the
(11:43):
worst maybe worse.
Speaker 1 (11:48):
I mean our first year of marriage was really tough.
Yeah, I think it's the hardest.
For sure I don't know if it wasour hardest.
I think the first year afterParker was born was the hardest.
Speaker 2 (11:57):
See again, I don't have a but um, I don't have a
gauge on that.
Speaker 1 (12:01):
Yeah, like the first year we got married, we got
married in.
So Jeremy started his job inHolt this was 2005.
Yep, he started his job at Holt.
Okay, that was super stressfulfor him at the time.
Yeah, he started that in May orMarch.
We got married in May, bought ahouse in July and were pregnant
by October.
So it was a big we did a reallyRam it all in Big fucking year
(12:22):
for us.
Yeah and yeah, like it was justa lot.
Speaker 2 (12:27):
I'm trying to remember you weren't actively
trying, but you weren't activelynot trying.
Speaker 1 (12:31):
I had just gone off birth control because I was
going to maybe try it.
Speaker 2 (12:35):
I feel like if you're not not trying, you're trying.
Speaker 1 (12:38):
I was trying.
Yeah, I really wanted to bepregnant.
Speaker 2 (12:41):
Yeah, it was, he was on purpose, right, parker, if
you're listening, you weren't anaccident.
You remember he knows I, parker, if you're listening, you
weren't an abstinent.
Speaker 1 (12:52):
You remember he knows I was there but not in the room
he was very much intentional,yeah, but like that was also
part of my like I was reallyimmature at the time and like
that was just a lot going on.
Speaker 2 (13:03):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:03):
I was like let's go, let's fucking go, yeah, all the
things right now, and so thatput a lot of probably stress on
the marriage.
Um, luckily, I think jeremy'sreally, he's really willing to
like, he's super patient, whichis really cool.
That's good for you, that'sgood for me.
Yeah, um, and our values reallyalign.
(13:24):
So we're very different, likewe have different hobbies that
we love.
Yeah, um, he won't playpickleball with me.
I suck at mountain.
Speaker 2 (13:30):
Are you still?
Speaker 1 (13:30):
playing pickleball Occasionally.
I haven't been, we haven't beenlately Okay.
Speaker 2 (13:36):
But yeah, I don't know.
Okay, yeah, I think in someways it's the hardest and in
some ways it does take some ofthe not stress.
But things that might have beena big deal or a bigger argument
before are more like well,we're not going to get divorced
(13:58):
over this.
So if we're not going toactually get divorced over this,
is it really worth arguingabout?
Speaker 1 (14:04):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:05):
You know, whereas before you're kind of like I can
just, can just walk out, I'dleave, oh definitely makes it
harder to walk out, that's forsure.
Speaker 1 (14:12):
Sure, that was.
I felt really like when I waspregnant.
I felt really vulnerable, yeah,and I was glad to be married
because I knew it would be a lotharder for him to leave and I,
I was a fucking nightmare.
Speaker 2 (14:24):
So I just remember you being like so cute and happy
pregnant.
Speaker 1 (14:27):
Oh my god, I was fucking miserable really.
I I was.
I was.
I broke out like you put onsuch a great face.
My face broke out.
I was puff.
I got preeclampsia so I wassuper puffy and miserable.
They put me on bed rest.
I was just miserable the wholetime.
Um, and now I know I'm prettysure that it's because I was
pumping my body full of folicacid.
Oh, and I have that myth forgene variation.
(14:50):
Yeah, it's it really hard formy body to methylate b vitamins
full of folic acid and I havethat Mithra gene variation.
It makes it really hard for mybody to methylate B vitamins,
and so folic acid actually islike toxic to me.
So I'm supposed to like avoidbreads and things that are
fortified with folic acidbecause my body doesn't know
what to do with it.
I can't detoxify it very well.
Interesting.
So I think pumping my body fullof folic acid, while great for
the baby, was not good for me.
(15:10):
Did you tell him that all the?
Speaker 2 (15:11):
time.
You're welcome, parker.
You're welcome.
Here's what I did for you.
I sacrificed so much.
Well, going back to like,circling back to that idea of
deals and that every marriagelooks different, I think is so
important to not have ahomogenized view of what it
(15:32):
should look like or is supposedto look like, because you and I
have some things in ourmarriages that I think are very
different than a lot of people,like your financial deal.
Speaker 1 (15:47):
Oh, yeah, we have separate finances, yeah, which
we didn't start out that way.
Speaker 2 (15:52):
No, I know.
Speaker 1 (15:52):
Yeah, and it's been a lot.
I will say that, like finances,that's one of the things people
end up fighting a lot about,right?
Yeah, absolutely, and it hasbeen good for our marriage to
have separate finances becausethere's just like if he.
Speaker 2 (16:07):
So how does that work for the people who who like
break it down, for people whoaren't me?
Speaker 1 (16:13):
Like how we, how it works, yeah, yeah.
So we just split the, we splitthe bills and the
responsibilities and we each payfor our like.
We have a joint checkingaccount, right, and.
But so you put in like yourhalf of the mortgage or whatever
.
Each I'm like I'm responsible.
He's responsible for theproperty taxes, ok, and like one
of the phone bills, okay, andthen I'm responsible for you
(16:35):
know, the water, the groceries,okay.
So it's just like divide andconquer.
We divided the financialresponsibilities, but so in an
equitable way.
Yeah, so he pays what he needsto pay.
I pay what areas?
Sure, sure, like for I wouldusually pay for Parker's medical
co-pays and any kind of likeanything the insurance didn't
cover when he, like when hebroke his collarbone or you know
(16:55):
, shit happens, yeah, and healways paid for Parker's
mountain bike stuff and likesports things, okay.
And so we figure it pretty muchworks out in the wash, yeah,
yeah.
So that's how we did it andit's it's been a lot easier
because, then, because we justhave very different spending
habits.
Like, jeremy doesn't like creditcards, right, and I like credit
cards a lot, yeah, I use mycredit card for you make it work
(17:18):
for you.
I pay it off every month and Iuse the points and I really like
that, yeah, and he doesn't liketo do that, so he's very much
more like the cash guy, yeah,and so we don't have to argue
about that now, because we'reboth taking care of our parts of
the responsibility.
Yeah, but still taking, westill like, and it's it's.
It means a lot more to go outto dinner with somebody when
(17:40):
it's not your money they'repaying for, like oh, you're like
if he takes you to dinner, ifhe takes me to dinner and he
pays, it's like oh, thank you.
Speaker 2 (17:51):
Oh, that's so funny.
As opposed to like, well,that's my money too, see, and
Hammer and I joke about that.
We'll go out to dinner and wehave the same card that goes to
the same bank account, but Iwill make a big show of it.
I'm like, no, no, let me, I'llget this one, honey.
You know it's all coming out ofthe same spot, but I've always
thought that was so interestingand I feel like I know couples
(18:14):
that that would work so well forthem, but it's not something
that they would ever think of,or they would think it was weird
, or and meant that they weren't.
Speaker 1 (18:25):
Well, it's not traditional, but part of that's
because of the patriarchy,because for a long time, women
weren't even allowed to havechecking accounts or credit
cards or any of this.
Yeah, yeah, without theirpermission.
Maybe we're headed again, Idon't know, god damn.
Yeah, like the independent,that is not traditional.
Yeah, and I will say when webecause we had been financially
enmeshed for so long yeah, whendid decide to separate it out,
(18:53):
which we did because werecognized that our spending
habits were very different, yeah, and we had different ways we
wanted to manage our money.
Yeah, and it was just.
It was just really like well,why are we trying to?
Why do we keep banging our headagainst the same particular
wall when we could just haveseparate finances?
And Jeremy was way more intothe idea than I was, oh, because
he was way more stressed aboutit than I was.
I totally thought this was youridea.
No, interesting.
No, it was his idea and he wasway more into it than I was.
(19:14):
Okay Because he felt mainlybecause of the way I manage
money stressed him out really,really badly.
Sure, and, yes, I was not great.
So it did feel like a littlebit of a divorce, like
separating the finances afterhaving them enmeshed felt like a
divorce in the moment and I wasreally emotional about it,
(19:35):
really Very, very, veryemotional.
Speaker 2 (19:38):
Oh God, In my head I had this whole story, that this
was your idea.
Speaker 1 (19:41):
No, it wasn't my idea .
Okay, I was actually not evenon board.
Because I associate being youridea.
But then also, once ourfinances were separated because
he's never really been a big fanof me having my own business
he's a very much like clock in,clock out kind of guy.
Right, work for eight hours,get paid for eight hours yeah,
like that's a very straight linethat he can draw and he likes
that.
And I'm really entrepreneurialand I am a terrible employee
(20:02):
yeah, I'm unemployed, same, andso, like, for my mental health,
I kind of need to work formyself, yeah.
And so when we separated thefinances, I said like verbatim
okay, fine, we'll do this, we'llseparate the finances, but as a
result, you don't get a say inwhat I do.
Yeah, you don't get to chime inand say I really wish you had a
(20:22):
nine to five.
That would be steady andpredictable.
Speaker 2 (20:27):
Because as long as I pay my bills, as long as I pay
my bills.
Speaker 1 (20:29):
As long as I pay my bills, what the fuck do you care
?
Yeah, and so that has removed.
That's been better, because nowI I have the and like freedom
is one of my core values.
I like, if I start to feelpenned in, yeah, I don't like I
freak out.
Yeah, and so having the freedomto make my own decisions was a
lot was really good for me, justas a person.
Yeah, so I didn't like it'snice.
It's nice to feel independentand not to have to like double
(20:49):
check with somebody when youmake a financial decision.
Like I've made some terriblefinancial decisions in the last
few years, Sure, but they're onme.
Like, yeah, I don't havesomebody also badgering me about
my financial decisions at home.
Speaker 2 (21:00):
Right, right.
Yeah, I have that same thing.
I don't.
I was even like for years I didnot want to buy a house, yeah,
which I know is stupidfinancially but I was like, oh
my gosh, it just means I'm tiedto this place and I can't like,
oh, really, pick up and go if Iwant.
Yeah, oh, how funny, yeah.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
See, that's.
I'm the opposite, becauseJeremy and I moved around so
much growing up, we bothcouldn't wait to just buy a
house and never move again.
Speaker 2 (21:24):
Oh see, I moved all the time but was like fine with
it, I didn't want to be.
And then Hammer was like well,you know, if you want to move,
you could just like rent it out,and you know, your trap door
Christmas.
Yeah, I was like, oh, whichsounds so stupid, right Like.
But in my mind I was like no,once you buy a house, you're
(21:44):
settled and that's just whereyou're like they put your feet
in cement right there.
You can't go anywhere.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
I'm so stagnant and over it you start growing moss.
Speaker 2 (21:56):
Yeah, god forbid, I know.
Yeah, I always thought thatthat was so smart of you guys
and I've been giving you credit,but now I'll give Jeremy credit
, but I still think it's smartthat you agreed to it.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
Well, I'm glad that we did because it removed a big
stressor that we don't like haveto have, like a lot of the
little nitpicky discussions thatyou have to have about money.
Yeah, I will say I pay for mostof the groceries and for a few
years there it was like I felt alittle bit of resentment
because I'm not going to come tohim every week and be like I
spent this much on groceries.
I'm just not that conscientious.
(22:29):
Of course, I don't even knowhow much I spent on groceries
sometimes.
Right, I'm not keeping track ofit, yeah.
But I know I was spending a tonof money, yeah, and I wouldn't
come to him and be like I needthis much money because I spent
this much.
But one of the reasons I payfor the groceries and he doesn't
is because I want if I want togo make Thai food, I don't want
to get a bunch of shit about the45 different sauces I had to
(22:52):
buy, yeah, so I also don't wantto get shit about.
Speaker 2 (22:55):
If I'm only buying grass fed, it's because I will
only eat grass fed.
Yeah, yeah, exactly, which Iknow.
I know there's a lot ofprivilege in that.
Speaker 1 (23:01):
I recognize it, yeah, totally recognizing the
privilege.
But I also like didn't want toargue about the food that I
wanted to buy, so I was willingto kind of take one on the chin
a little bit financially.
So it wasn't completely, maybeeven in that respect.
But now that his job is alittle more flexible he can stop
by the grocery store and grabstuff more often.
So it's a lot more even nowthan it used to be.
(23:24):
So I think it's great.
And I have friends who keptseparate finances and they just
have a joint checking that theycommit.
They commit money to together,so like they never enmeshed.
Speaker 2 (23:35):
Yeah, and there seems to work for them too, mom over.
So we had this correct amountof hamburger meat and then I was
going to the store and he said,can you get more?
You know, 80% ground chuck.
(23:56):
And I was like, great, I'll begetting grass fed.
And he was like, no, don't getgrass fed, like I don't want to
mix it, just get the kind that Ihave.
And I was like, no, I'm notgoing to do that, I'm just going
to buy grass fed.
And he's like the kind I got,it's humanely raised, it's
organic, it's just not grass-fed.
And I was like, really feelinguppity about it.
And he was like, if it was yourdish and you were making it and
(24:18):
you just wanted me to buy aningredient, you would just want
me to get what you wanted to get.
And I was like he's right.
I hate it when he's right.
But so I had to release thatone, which I know it sounds so
stupid.
But I was like I don't ever buythat.
(24:39):
Yeah, I mean you get in.
Yeah, yeah, well, and I knowhammer and I have, um, a deal
that blows people's minds, whichI've told you about our titty
money yeah, I, this blows mymind yeah, it blows your minds,
it blows a lot of people's mind.
So for his job he is in softwareand he will be with a bunch of
(25:01):
other software tech bros andthey'll be at conventions.
And sometimes people want to goto strip clubs and I just could
not give a shit less if he goesto strip clubs.
This is also where we diverge.
I know Two paths diverge.
I know I don't care, I don'tcare, but I do make it work for
me also, in that our deal is,however much he spends at said
(25:24):
strip club, I get to spend theexact equal amount on something
completely frivolous that I want, that has nothing to do with
him or our household or anything.
Titty money, titty money, yeah,spend as much as you want on
titties because I want theseboots, you know not boobs boots,
titty boots, yeah, yeah.
(25:44):
Or I want to.
You know, go out with mygirlfriends and like do this
thing, that has nothing to dowith you.
So I, I just don't care, I'mlike great, have a great time, I
will be spending all the tittymoney and that is our deal that
is part of your contract Right,which some people are like oh my
God, that's so great.
Some people are like you'reactually certifiably insane.
(26:05):
No, I love the way you've madeit work for you.
Speaker 1 (26:07):
Yeah, I.
Just the thought of Jeremygoing to a strip club makes me
want to murder somebody, likeI'm so possessive.
I know it's not good, I don'tknow how he's survived all these
years, but I think it's also agood sign, because if I didn't
care at all, yeah, Like, Like.
Speaker 2 (26:26):
What do you think's going to happen?
Doesn't matter, it kind of doesLike what.
Speaker 1 (26:33):
Well, I don't want half-naked chicks rubbing up on
my man, for sure I don't evenreally like.
Why do you need to look at abunch of naked boobies Like,
come look at mine.
I'm kind of like.
Speaker 2 (26:45):
I don't care where you get your appetite, as long
as you eat at home.
Yeah, see, this is just wherewe differ.
Yeah, yeah, I'm like nakedchicks can be hot.
I can see you want to look atthem.
I want to look at them.
Sometimes I don't.
It's fine, go look Like yeah,but again this is why every
(27:05):
marriage is different, right andeveryone has their deals.
Speaker 1 (27:08):
I have friends who you know are swingers.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:12):
And that's Same.
I don't mean I am, I mean Ihave friends that are.
And that is totally fine ifthat works for them and that
makes them happy and everybody'sconsenting Right.
I think that's one where youhave to have the most deals.
You have to have the clearestparameters.
Yeah, yeah, you'd have to likedraw like picture one of those
(27:32):
murder boards with red stringand pins, like, if this, then
this, if this, if this is okay,this is.
You'd have to have the mostdeals on that one.
Speaker 1 (27:42):
So a lot of it kind of comes down to communication.
Yes, right, yeah, and beingable to at least negotiate to
the same page yeah, and beingable to at least negotiate to
the same page, yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:50):
And I know people who at times in their marriages
have been polyamorous and thenthey're like, oh, that was fun
for a while.
Now we're kind of over it, youknow, yeah, I have friends that
tried to have.
Speaker 1 (28:00):
Like, the wife wanted to have an open marriage and
the husband didn't Ooh, thatwould be a hard one, and they
ended up divorcing.
Yeah, I think she was just overit.
No-transcript.
Speaker 2 (28:36):
I'm kidding, oh sorry , birdie's offended, birdie's
offended by that.
Birdie she's like don't youdare?
Would I ever get married again?
Um, I kind of don't know why Iwould feel the need to Same.
I mean, I didn't even reallyfeel the need to be married with
(28:57):
Hammer.
He was more about being marriedthan me.
Speaker 1 (29:02):
Well, there are a lot of people that believe that
it's an antiquated institution.
Yeah, that it's patriarchal.
And you know, we change ourlast name.
We lose our last name as female.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (29:11):
I do think it's different if kids are involved
yeah, it definitely makes iteasier logistically to have the
same last name.
Yeah, and I remember there weretimes when mom was married to
someone else and we would have adifferent last name and I was
always kind of like annoying,like who goes with who?
Right, I can't say yes, Idefinitely would, because I
(29:35):
don't know why I would feel theneed to, but I also can't say
like no, I never would, becausewho knows what the circumstances
would be, you know, I thinkit's a very romantic idea if
things go really shitty in thiscountry and a hammer dies and
it's my like, I can get somescissors.
Speaker 1 (29:58):
Marry a Canadian, yes , or maybe a Spanish.
Speaker 2 (30:02):
Any people of the UK or Canadians or Western Europe
who are looking for a mail-orderAmerican bride?
Speaker 1 (30:11):
Yeah, apply, here you have to send referrals too.
Speaker 2 (30:15):
Um, but I wouldn't, yeah, I guess I just can't.
Part of me wouldn't see thepoint, unless it was for
something like that.
Speaker 1 (30:24):
Jeremy and I talked about it and like I I don't even
know if I'd want to like it'dbe difficult to live with
somebody, like after Jeremy andI've been living together
essentially, yeah, since 2002,yeah, so how?
Speaker 2 (30:38):
they're 23 years, yeah, like.
Speaker 1 (30:40):
I'm very we're very used to each other's quirks,
like it used to drive me fuckingcrazy when he'd leave the
dresser drawers.
Oh boy, he leaves me crazy whenI'm at your house.
Oh, I know, I know.
Last time you came over youshut all of those which I did
for years.
I couldn't help it.
I know that was hilarious.
You walked straight into mybedroom and you shut all the
(31:01):
dresser drawers and it's it's.
Jeremy's dresser drawer was adifferent variation of open.
Yeah, it looked like the mostfucked up advent calendar.
He'd ever seen and he's alwaysdone that and it's always driven
me fucking crazy.
But then one time I talked toyour mom about it, I was like
(31:21):
just bitching about it and shewas like, oh honey, he doesn't
even see it.
Yeah, he doesn't, he doesn'tsee it, it doesn't bother him.
And I guarantee you you dostuff that drives him crazy that
you don't see?
Speaker 2 (31:31):
Oh, you know what I do.
I think I'm as bad as Jeremywhen I'm cooking and this has
been pointed out to me a coupletimes recently by multiple
people that I have lived withboth my husband and other
roommates.
If I need something out of, say, the pantry, I open the door to
the pantry, I go do the thingand I just leave it open because
(31:51):
I know I'm going to get back inthere when I'm done in the
pantry I'll shut it, but if Iknow I'm going to be getting
other things out of it, even ifit's 45 minutes later, I just
leave it open.
That's very efficient.
Except my husband will comehome and he's like every fucking
pantry door is open.
What is happening?
And I was like well, I wasstill using it.
It's like I've been home forhalf an hour and you haven't
(32:12):
gone over there once.
It's like yes, but I know in 10more minutes I'm going to need
some Maldon salt.
Speaker 1 (32:17):
Yes, so we all have these weird quirky things that
we do, that drive are going todrive our partner crazy.
But, like I'm so used to it now, you'll notice, the drawers
were still open when you gothome and you were just like, eh
yeah, I just I don't see it mostof the time now and if I do
notice it I'm like, well, it'sjust going to be like that in
five minutes if I close them.
So what's the point?
Like that's the face of myenergy.
(32:37):
Yeah, and honestly, who cares?
Yeah, like is it really thatimportant?
Yeah, so it doesn't drive mecrazy anymore.
I notice, if anything, it laughnow because it's like why, why,
why three inches for thatdrawer?
Why is that drawer three inchesopen and the other one six
inches open and the other one'sclosed?
Speaker 2 (32:57):
I will say which is so weird.
No, I don't know if I would getmarried again, but I would find
living with another humanpretty difficult.
Speaker 1 (33:10):
That's where I was going with this.
Yeah, because I like I'm soused to the way that he operates
, like sometimes you, you canalmost parallel play after a
while with your partner, like wedon't have to be talking.
Yeah, we can just sort of like,like you, almost you know what
he's reaching for in the cabinet, so you just hand it to him or
whatever.
Speaker 2 (33:27):
And yeah, and I have had roommates that I could live
with again, who were great andwho I loved, but I'm also.
I so treasure and relish myalone time, and maybe part of
that is because I'm married andit doesn't happen as much I know
.
Speaker 1 (33:43):
You've actually told me I couldn't come over because
you were having your alone time.
Yeah, you're like.
No, you got to come the nextnight because I'm still out of
town, I'm still having my alonetime.
That happens, yeah, it happensall the time.
I'm eating mushrooms all bymyself.
So for those who don't know,hammer hates mushrooms yeah, not
, yeah, I'm not just likegetting high on mushrooms by
myself.
Speaker 2 (34:01):
No, whenever he goes out of town.
Do you want to hang out?
I'm like no, no, no, I'll hangout when hammer's in town.
When hammer's out of town, it'sjust me and birdie I get that,
although I don't sleep good whenhe's gone um I didn't used to,
(34:24):
uh, but well, you and I bothhave a taser.
We also both don't mouth tapewhen yes, we also both don't
mouth tape when yes, we alsoboth don't mouth tape when he's
gone.
We also got an alarm, oh nice.
Speaker 1 (34:35):
Yeah, I will mouth tape if Parker's home.
Like I'm fine if Parker's home.
Speaker 2 (34:39):
Yeah, I would be fine if there's another and I even
sometimes do it if someone isstaying.
Like if you were staying herein the cottage, I would probably
do it.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
Yeah, I think it's just someone else on the
property, except you wouldn'tinvite me over because Hammer
would be gone and you'd behaving your alone time.
So I would never be here whenHammer was gone.
Speaker 2 (34:52):
I might let you, after he was gone a couple days.
Speaker 1 (34:55):
Thank you, I'm so special, lucky me.
Speaker 2 (34:59):
Well, he used to travel a lot more in which case
I absolutely wouldn't but he'sbeen traveling less, yeah.
Speaker 1 (35:05):
Ever since.
Speaker 2 (35:06):
COVID, it's less yeah .
Speaker 1 (35:10):
Yeah, it would be really tough at my age, Like and
I think I'm getting more set inmy ways.
Yeah, Like when we went so forour 20th anniversary.
Yes, you know you just got backfrom a fabulous trip.
We have not gone on an actualtrip together for longer than
like a couple of days.
Yeah, since Parker was born.
Yeah, since our honeymoon.
That was like the last big tripwe went on.
Speaker 2 (35:30):
Where'd guys go on your honeymoon again, cabo?
Oh, that's right we'd snorkeledthat's right scuba dived.
Speaker 1 (35:34):
Actually, I don't think we snorkeled, we scuba
dived.
We did the baja racing, we didall you didn't snorkel, but you
did scuba.
Speaker 2 (35:40):
Yeah, that seems like that's backwards.
We're just you're.
You're such a rebel, we're justhard like that, yeah, I always
tell you great.
Speaker 1 (35:47):
Um well, it's mexico.
They let you scream, they don'tgive a fuck.
Speaker 2 (35:50):
You lose this, so you gotta make down there while you
put this in your mouth and headon down, get it while it
getting good, yeah, yeah you cansnorkel in hawaii or anywhere.
Speaker 1 (35:59):
Oh, it's true.
Yeah, so we planned this trip.
Jeremy was like, well, let's,what do you think about driving
up, down up to oregon, where westopped our last trip in seaside
, yeah, and seeing the rest ofthe southern oregon coast like
the rest of the coast, and so wetook a full week off and we
went from like Friday to Fridayand we did this whole big ass
Oregon trip together.
Where was I going with this?
Speaker 2 (36:21):
You hadn't done this since Parker was little.
You decided to take this trip.
It was your anniversary, yeah,but I had a point and I totally
lost it.
The point was it's hard to livewith people.
We're going to land the plane.
Hard to live with people,sometimes hard to even like
exist with people.
Hammer doesn't travel so much.
I'm going to figure it outbeing alone.
Speaker 1 (36:44):
Oh, stuck in our ways .
Yes, nailed it.
Okay, thank you.
So stuck in our ways.
So, even on the trip, like wewere staying in, we didn't camp,
we were staying in really nicehotels every night, yeah, but I
found myself like one night theblanket was kind of scratchy, it
had like a texture Okay and Iwas like every time I, oh my God
(37:06):
, my dog just farted.
Speaker 2 (37:06):
Just so you know that was not me.
I would assume Dog farts dosmell different.
Just saying yeah, they are Okay.
Speaker 1 (37:13):
But like little things that maybe wouldn't have
used to bother me.
I'm now like oh, the texture onthat blanket kept me up all
night because I'd like roll overand it would like Ooshie bitch
it would.
I know, I know, but it's noteven like I don't care how
expensive the blanket is.
But why would you put thattexture on a blanket?
Okay, Was it like a waffle?
It was like a lined situation.
(37:35):
It was like a raised, Likeribbed, Ribbed.
It was ribbed For your pleasure, Not for no pleasure.
It was not ribbed for mypleasure, it was.
Maybe somebody else enjoyed it.
Okay, but it like every time.
Did he notice?
Did he notice?
No, he asked me in the night orhe asked me if I slept.
Okay, you know, we always likeat the age where we have to ask
no.
Speaker 2 (37:53):
I'll just put you to sleep.
Speaker 1 (37:53):
Yeah, no absolutely First thing we say every morning
, yeah, and so I was like ohterrible, this blanket was just
ribby all night long.
Speaker 2 (38:03):
So ribby Was he just like you were insane.
Speaker 1 (38:06):
Yeah, he was laughing because he's like, oh my
fucking God, but also he has tohave the fan on when we sleep.
Speaker 2 (38:12):
Oh, that would be a deal breaker for me.
Speaker 1 (38:14):
I'm okay with it on like low.
This was the same night that Islept with the ribbed blanket.
Okay, this was Abandoned Dunes,oh, okay.
So we played golf at AbandonedDunes, yeah, and I stayed there
one night, yeah, and the ceilingfan was on it way high like
vaulting ceiling okay, and thatprobably couldn't figure out it
was on high.
Oh that would.
That's a deal like spinning onhigh, yeah, and we couldn't
(38:35):
figure out how to turn it downor off or anything.
There was no remotes, like itwas beyond me, and I was gonna
go down to the the front deskand ask.
But he was like I'm actuallykind of enjoying it, can we just
leave it on?
And it's our anniversary.
So I'm like everybody.
All right, I'll suffer through.
I didn't like when it's glowy.
Every time the ribbed blanketwoke me up, my hair was blowing
(38:57):
in my face.
It was the worst.
So I'm getting reallyparticular in my old age.
And all this is just to sayhaving someone else come in my
space.
Do I need to buy youcompression socks?
Speaker 2 (39:17):
I might need a weighted blanket blanket like a
weighted cooling blanket.
No, I'm not a weighted blanket.
Speaker 1 (39:20):
It's not cooling um.
Parker sleeps with a weightedblanket.
Speaker 2 (39:21):
I bought one for me and he stole it I got one um and
then I, not long after, got apit bull, and it turns out they
provide the exact sameexperience.
Speaker 1 (39:37):
I feel that she's laying on my leg right now.
Yeah, it's not nothing.
Speaker 2 (39:41):
Yeah Well, and when she and I are, you know, on the
couch in like the chaiseposition, she is in the leg
basket and I have a 65-poundweighted blanket that works
really well.
Speaker 1 (39:54):
Yeah, pets are another thing, another source of
contention sometimes inmarriage.
Like Moo, our dog, parkerwanted the dog.
Yeah, and of course I wanted adog too, because I love dogs.
Sure, but Jeremy really didn'twant a dog.
Is he a cat person?
No, cats love him, I will say.
But he doesn't love them backhe, they're fine, but he doesn't
like litter boxes and I don'tlike litter boxes either but
(40:16):
he's fine with cats, but he he'snot like.
Speaker 2 (40:19):
He loves moo and moo loves him more than anybody, I
think, in the house that'salways the way, that it's always
the people that are like kindof insouciant to the animals
that they're just like.
Are you, my dad?
Speaker 1 (40:29):
love me, love me, yeah, and I mean I've told you.
He says, you know, he calls hera little monster or whatever.
And yeah, he says, you know,when she's gone, no more dogs
they're put, they're crampingour style or whatever.
Yeah, and I am like, oh god, Idon't know, let's not talk about
that yeah but also I have somany pictures of him cuddling
(40:49):
her and like snuggling her, Icould make a calendar.
Oh, yeah, oh, you should make acalendar for his birthday One
of these days.
I'm going to make a calendar ofthem spooning.
Speaker 2 (41:00):
Yeah, just for his birthday, A 12-month calendar.
I'm sure he'd love it.
Yeah, well, our last dog was agiant English Mastiff who
wouldn't fit on the bed with us,my app, wouldn't fit on the bed
with us, my app.
So when we you know, we werelooking at adopting another dog,
hammer was like no dogs on thebed, the dog is not sleeping on
the bed.
And I was like yes, it mostcertainly is.
(41:22):
And he was like no, it's not.
And I was like, all right, thefirst night we brought Birdie
home, she was like going intoher crate and she was like, okay
, but like he was like she doeslook really snuggly.
And I was like, well, you canbring her up if you want.
And this dog slept on the bedevery single night and I tell
(41:45):
her all the time.
I'm like, well, the three of uswill be in bed together.
And I'm like bird pretty,remember when he said no dogs in
the bed ever.
Do you remember that?
And he's like, yeah, yeah, yeah, I was kind of wrong about that
one, yeah yeah, we can't.
Speaker 1 (42:01):
Moo can't sleep with us.
Speaker 2 (42:02):
She's snoring down your mouth, taper I'm sure no,
that's no um, the the thing thathammer did that used to drive
me the craziest.
I think he wears contacts andat night he would like just take
that, like he wouldn't brushhis teeth and wash his face and
take the contacts out.
He would brush his teeth, watchhis face.
(42:22):
He would get into bed, take thecontacts out and just like drop
them next to the bed on thefloor.
Sometimes they would hit thefloor, sometimes they would hit
the nightstand, but you knowthat then they become like
little shards of glass yeah,when they dry out they're hard
Glass, yeah, and it used to makeme insane.
(42:44):
And he just he would drop thembehind the nightstand or behind
the headboard and I'd be dustingand find just this pile of
glass shards and I was like youhave to be kidding me.
What?
What is this?
Were you raised by wolves?
He's like I don't understandbed I don't want to like get out
to.
So if you go into our bedroomon his nightstand you will see a
(43:07):
little cup.
Oh, I had to put a cup there.
That is his contact receptaclecup.
Speaker 1 (43:14):
So it's an empty cup that he fills with contacts.
So it's a bunch of driedcontacts.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
That is fascinating, isn't it so weird?
People come over and I can tellhe gets kind of embarrassed
when people come over.
People are like what is that?
I'm like, oh, that's hiscontact cup.
Cup, it's a cup of contactlenses, cold contacts.
Yeah, that's funny, but he justwould not.
Once he was, like, settled inbed, you know, he was done
(43:39):
looking at his phone which hewanted the contacts for.
He doesn't wear glasses.
He does, but you like, duringthe day he usually would wear
contacts and he wouldn't.
Then you know, mr Rogers style,get home and take his contacts
out and put his glasses on.
Speaker 1 (43:50):
No, but I wear contacts and I take them out
when I brush my teeth, like inthe evening, or like at some
point in the evening.
I just feel like I need to takemy contacts out because I've
been in all day and then I wearmy glasses to read and do other
things.
Yeah, if I'm watching TV in theevening, I'm wearing my glasses
usually.
Speaker 2 (44:08):
Yeah, no, that's not how he rolls.
Speaker 1 (44:10):
No, I mean on days that he wears his glasses he
just wears his glasses all dayand doesn't fuck with the
contacts.
But I mean, I say I say that Iwouldn't get married again.
And Jeremy, I've talked, we'vetalked about this, we joke about
this all the time Like what wasyou?
How would you even date?
How would you find people?
Like we're such homebodies andlike would you?
How would you find somebody?
If something happened to me,would you date again?
Would you get married again orwhatever?
Speaker 2 (44:31):
I could see you finding someone.
I can't really see him findingsomeone and that's not a slam on
Jeremy, because you know I loveJeremy.
I just can't see him wanting tolike put himself out there.
Speaker 1 (44:42):
I think he he's very like social when it comes to
sports and stuff, though.
Oh, there is that and.
But so he he just finds somenice lesbian friends.
No, we have he.
Somebody would introduce him tosomebody we have a pretty we
have like a pretty wide friendgroup and that's like pretty
diverse yeah, and somebody wouldintroduce he would not be
single for long and I don't.
Speaker 2 (45:03):
And this is not a slam on you it would be really
hard for me to set you up withsomeone.
Well, I'm obsessed with Jeremyso I know it would be really
hard to.
I know, yeah, you're alwayslike are people hot?
I don't know if people are hot.
Jeremy's the only person Ithink is hot, and I'm just like
you're so weird.
Speaker 1 (45:22):
I know it's weird.
As soon as I decided thatJeremy was for me, everybody
else ceased to be attractive atall.
I don't get like, yeah, godlove you, that's a good thing,
right.
Speaker 2 (45:33):
Yeah, no, it's a great thing.
That's why you would be reallyhard for me to find.
Speaker 1 (45:39):
Well, let's just hope we don't ever have to deal with
that.
Speaker 2 (45:42):
Well, if, once they go, we're just going to move in
together.
You want to be part of theGolden Girls compound?
How many people are in this?
Five want to be part of thegolden girls compound.
Speaker 1 (45:55):
Uh, how many people are?
Speaker 2 (45:57):
in this five?
No, that's too many.
You get your own tiny house allof nearby.
Okay, how big is this property?
I mean, I also already havepeople I'm planning on being on
a compound with.
Oh well, then I don't need youon my compound no, I said I'll
be on my compound.
Speaker 1 (46:09):
Well, that's what I'm saying.
You can be on.
Well then, I don't need you onmy compound.
Speaker 2 (46:11):
No, I said I'll be on my compound.
Well, that's what I'm saying.
You can be on my compound, butI don't know if I want everyone
else.
Speaker 1 (46:15):
Okay, that's fine, that's fair.
Yeah, I don't know how manyacres, but I do have a dream
someday like to have a big pieceof property that I have like a
bunch of tiny houses on that.
We're not within visible,visible distance of one another.
Speaker 2 (46:28):
Yeah, yeah, no, I like that.
I don't know how tiny I want myhouse to be I don't either, but
Like this size would be fine,for just me and 30.
Speaker 1 (46:36):
Yeah, what are we in 1,000 square feet?
Oh God no.
Speaker 2 (46:37):
No 600?
Speaker 1 (46:39):
Oh.
Speaker 2 (46:39):
God, this is like 650 .
I'm so bad at measuring.
1,500?
, 200?
I think this little cottage islike 650.
Okay, yeah, this is great forone person and one dog.
Speaker 1 (46:52):
Yeah, I think it would depend on the layout of
the house.
Yes, and also, like I wouldn't,I don't know.
The allure of like big,spacious houses is increasingly
becoming less attractive.
Oh, I don't have that.
Speaker 2 (47:08):
I don't need a big house at all.
Like our house that Hammer andI live in is less than 1,200
square't.
Have that, I don't need it.
I don't need a big house at all.
Like like our house is ourhouse that Hammer and I live in
is less than 1200 square feet.
Speaker 1 (47:21):
Yeah, and that would be probably the max I would want
to go.
It's fine.
Yeah, I wouldn't want any morespace.
Yeah, but I would like maybesome outbuildings.
Like I'd like to have my officenot attached to my house.
I'd love to be able to like goto into an office that was
separate from the house.
Speaker 2 (47:39):
Yeah, I have that, which is, yeah, you love your
studio, which is beautiful, yeah, well, and also necessary,
since hammer and I both workfrom home.
Yeah, if we both worked fromhome in the same house, which we
have, it gets tight.
Well, yeah, you know, luckilyI'm on that end of the property
(48:01):
and he's at the other end.
Speaker 1 (48:03):
Well, especially down the road, like Jeremy, when he
retires.
Speaker 2 (48:06):
I'm so excited for him to have his like man.
What's it called His shop Shop?
We'll see the county.
I'm all excited for him to havehis like man.
What's it called His shop Shop?
Speaker 1 (48:12):
We'll see the county, his studio, the studio.
The county is still giving us ahard time about that, so we're
still working on that.
But what if you just did itwithout them knowing?
I know?
Right, yeah, I know we'vetalked about this.
It's too complicated to getinto right now.
Speaker 2 (48:26):
All right, right, but also, I'm sure so many people
in the county of what's yourcounty?
Placer Placer, are listening.
Speaker 1 (48:39):
No, I mean I would, I would outlaw it.
I don't think our neighborswould care, but my dad would.
He would flip out like he wantsto do it by the book and he's
also mad at the county now.
So we're kind of fighting withthem.
He's going to bite his nose tospite his face.
Yeah, a little bit he's.
Yeah, he's talking about trent,I don't know it's.
(48:59):
This is not.
We're so far off topic, we are.
We're marriage.
No, it's back to magic.
Yeah, so all this is just tosay like yeah, I think there's
lots of different ways to do it.
Yeah, and I I think personallythat, like identifying deal
breakers right off the bat isimportant and you kind of know
what you have to fight about andwhat you don't have to fight
about.
Speaker 2 (49:14):
Yeah, I'm trying to think what my other deal
breakers would be.
If you're a bad tipper oryou're rude to wait staff, no,
that's a deal breaker for sure.
Speaker 1 (49:26):
I don't think you would get far enough with
somebody to get married to them.
That's true.
Speaker 2 (49:32):
But if he all of a sudden became a bad temper, I
would look for a tumor.
I'd be like you have one ofthose brain worms.
Speaker 1 (49:39):
Yeah, well, see, so that's health related.
Yeah, what do you do ifsomebody get?
Like I would?
Yeah, and Jeremy's like he's sosteady and faithful that if he
ever did cheat on me I'd be likeyou have a brain tumor, let's
go to the doctor.
Something is wrong with you.
It's not me, it's you, it's you.
He's just not that guy.
(50:01):
I've always been likeunreasonably afraid of him
cheating on me for some reason,yes, very unreasonably, I would
say.
I blame my parents for thattrauma.
Yeah, yeah, sure, I.
Yes, for some reason, veryunreasonably, I would say, I
blame my parents for that.
Yeah, yeah, I found out toomuch at too young an age.
Yeah, no, that's true.
And so I blame them for myanxious attachment disorders.
Yeah, but your mom would alwaysbe like Jeremy's not built like
that, that's not how he's built.
(50:21):
Yeah, and so I just I hear yourmom in my head whenever I start
to spin out.
Yeah, that's not built like that.
Yeah, and I and I should beable to embody that thought,
because I'm not built like that.
Yeah, I couldn't, I couldn't, Iwouldn't, it just wouldn't
(50:42):
happen.
Speaker 2 (50:42):
No, I would take you to the doctor too.
I'd be like I hope so.
Yeah, I would be like wait, youhave a roving eye.
Yeah, how many fingers am Iholding up?
Follow my finger.
Speaker 1 (50:51):
You could just assume that I had a giant tumor in my
brain.
Yeah, sure, if my behavior wasthat erratic.
Speaker 2 (50:56):
Yeah, absolutely so, yeah.
So at that point I mean yeah,yeah.
Although if he was all of asudden like no more dogs
sleeping in the bed, I'd be like, well, bertie and I are going
to miss you.
Well, bertie and I are going tomiss you you wouldn't assume he
had a brain tumor.
Yeah, I would assume he had abrain tumor.
Speaker 1 (51:13):
But if he didn't Straight to the doctor?
Speaker 2 (51:14):
But if he didn't and it was just this Then he's gone.
Yeah, well, we could still bemarried, but he would have to
move, he would have to leave, hewould have to move the marital
bed.
You're out of here.
Yeah, that's fair.
Speaker 1 (51:27):
You're sleeping in your office, bro, yeah well,
that's all I have to say aboutmarriage um, I don't think I
have anything else to say either.
Speaker 2 (51:40):
Good job, I feel like we're both doing okay at this
marriage thing.
Yeah, I'm proud of you.
I'm proud of you.
I'm more proud of you becauseyou're seven years ahead of me
20 years.
Speaker 1 (51:50):
20 years is long time .
It's kind of like it blows mymind when I think about it.
Speaker 2 (51:53):
Yeah, does it make you feel old or just like proud
of yourself A little bit old?
Speaker 1 (51:58):
Because I'm like oh damn, 20 years, yeah, I've been
with him longer.
I'm 45 and we've been together23 years.
Speaker 2 (52:04):
Oh, so you've been with him longer than you have
been without him.
Speaker 1 (52:07):
yeah, so that's kind of weird to think about like
yeah, um, but yeah, it's huhwell, good job.
Speaker 2 (52:16):
Happy anniversary I didn't get you anything that's.
I'm not a gifts.
Speaker 1 (52:21):
I know love language is not gifts, so that I'll make
you dinner tonight.
Speaker 2 (52:24):
Ooh, do you respond to food?
Yeah, sorry, jeremy, you're nothere, but he doesn't care that
much about food anyways.
No, he doesn't, all right wellall right.
Speaker 1 (52:31):
Well, um, you know where to find us.
Speaker 2 (52:33):
Yes, check the show notes, and soon we will know
where to find us too.
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