May 2, 2023 • 24 mins
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In the latest episode of the pod, we dive into the murky waters of envy and jealousy. We'll explore the key differences between these two feelings and discover why envy might actually be the more straightforward emotion to tackle.
During this episode, we're also going to talk about how jealousy can resurface after a divorce and how envy often stems from a place of scarcity. As always, I'll share practical strategies for dealing with these emotions, such as identifying and challenging negative beliefs, practicing EFT tapping, and using grounding techniques to regain clarity and find solutions.
If you're struggling with envy or jealousy or even just curious about these complex emotions, be sure to tune in to this episode. We'll discuss:
- The difference between jealousy and envy
- Strategies for managing jealousy and envy
- How negative beliefs drive jealousy and envy
- Grounding techniques for finding clarity and solutions
- The importance of staying committed to our healing journey
Also, a quick bit of pod gossip: I recently had a wild experience at Times Square, where I saw a billboard for the pod. This got me thinking about the amazing power of intention and positive thinking. I also took the opportunity to hand out 500 pink pens with the pod name on them – an experience that left me feeling so great!
Remember, we're all on this journey of self-discovery and healing together, so join me in this insightful discussion and let's learn and grow together.
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Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dawnwiggins/
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A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:04):
Hi, love, this is Dawn and you're listening to
Dear Divorce Diary with my coach, dawn, where we explore the
post-divorce life and you, thewoman who lives it.
We cover everything from traumaduring and after divorce to
feeling like a stranger in yourown life and the new frontier of
life as a single woman.
We're cozy in for theconversations we've been longing
(00:26):
to have about this new life.
Hi, love, full disclosure.
I am a little hyper today andwe're gonna talk about jealousy
on the pod, but first I havegossip.
So this is my first episodeback since we were in Times
(00:53):
Square on Spring Break and ifyou follow me on Instagram and
you watch my stories, you sawthat we had a billboard.
Actually, we had at 1.3billboards in Times Square on
Easter weekend and we went forSpring Break and we did a photo
shoot and, oh my goodness, therewill be so much to come about
(01:16):
that, but it was just a reallyexciting time, really surreal.
There is definitely a photo ofme ugly crying the first time I
saw the billboard of the podcastin Times Square.
So thank you so much for beinghere, because without you, love
yes, you like literally youwithout you there is no podcast
and there is no billboard andthere is no Dear Divorce Diary.
(01:38):
You are it, you are us, we.
I love you so much.
So the other thing we have togossip about is again, if you
watch my Instagram stories,before we left, i ordered these
really beautiful pink pens thatsay Dear Divorce Diary on them
and I asked you all to vote onwhich pen I should order, and
all of that right.
(01:58):
So we ended up ordering 700pens and on the trip in the
airports, handed out 500 of them.
So and this is a this isturning into a thing So you may
be coming to the pod because youfound a pen or I don't know,
but I will tell you I lovedhanding them out.
(02:19):
We were in the airports andwent to a lot of the restaurants
and bars and gave pens topeople who really need them,
like bartenders and servers andgate agents at the airport, and
it felt so good to give somebodysomething that they could use,
and hopefully, somebody whocould use the podcast finds the
pen right.
So that was really joyful.
And if you found the pen, hitme up on Instagram.
(02:41):
I want to know.
So that was super fun.
Thanks for being here on theadventure.
All right, jealousy.
Oh man, how have we not coveredthis topic before?
right, such a good topic.
But first, before we really diginto jealousy, we have to break
down the difference betweenenvy and jealousy, because there
(03:06):
are there are two differentshades of a similar sensation,
and so I really learned thisdifference via Brené Brown's
book Atlas of the Heart, anduntil I read her breakdown of
jealousy versus envy, i didn'tknow there was a difference.
And she didn't know there was adifference until she did the
(03:28):
research and she got all of herresearch data back on all the
various emotions and reallyunderstood that there was a
striking difference between thetwo.
So here we go.
Jealousy is the experience of athird party coming in between
your relationship with anotherperson, and that third party
could be literally anotherperson.
(03:49):
So you may have experiencedthis pre-divorce right Jealousy
in your relationship, and maybeit was an affair, or maybe it
was his phone or his job or hismom or I don't know right.
But jealousy is the function ofa third party coming in between
your relationship.
Envy is the experience ofsomebody having something you
(04:13):
want and you don't have it right.
So just feel how those twothings feel a little different.
Now what's fun is that thejealousy that you felt during
your marriage inevitably rearsits ugly head again in a post
(04:37):
divorce life.
I've seen it happen time andtime again, especially when you
start dating.
Because when you start datingyou don't know where you stand,
you don't have all that livedhistory, you struggle to trust
yourself and your intuition andyou're still struggling to trust
other people.
And so, from an insecure ormixed up attachment style, when
(05:02):
someone you're dating has otherinterests and and other
responsibilities and otherplaces where they like to spend
their time, it is very easy foryou to fall into that jealousy
trap like is this coming betweenus or do I have it twisted
right?
So that's a really interestingthing to take a look at.
(05:24):
But I think that jealousy isreally common.
I think that when, especiallywhen we have an insecure
attachment style, it is easy tofeel jealous of how mom treats
you and your sister differently,or when your kids start dating
and their time is taken doing X,y or Z, or, you know, when your
(05:47):
best friend goes on a trip withsomebody else and you couldn't
go right Like.
Jealousy is just such a commonvisceral human emotion that's
super primal and it has thisfeeling like somebody is in your
territory and listen,territorial conflict is huge.
There is a whole school ofthought that says that a lot of
(06:11):
the root cause of heart attacksis territorial conflict.
Right, so, so territorialconflict is so powerful it can
potentially initiate a heartattack like, goodness, gracious,
and it makes sense, right, theheart, our love center, where we
feel love or experiencerelationships.
(06:31):
So know that literally,jealousy can become life or
death.
Wow that all of a sudden thisgot really heavy.
So we're going to talk moreabout dealing with jealousy, but
let's also take a look at envy,because envy is the thing that
you're probably experiencing inthe very acute post divorce
(06:54):
phase.
Because so often I hear womensay, don, he's moving on and he
looks happy, and I hate it, andso much of that is probably envy
.
Now, what's interesting aboutthat is he probably isn't as
happy as you think he is.
He could be right, and we'renot really here to judge or
(07:16):
assess that, but things aren't.
Things are rarely what theyseem.
Love like period in life Justput that feather in your cap.
Things are rarely what theyseem for anyone anywhere, right?
So don't hang too much on yourobservation of what his
post-averse life is.
But either which way what you'reseeing is kicking up this thing
(07:36):
that he has something that youwant and it's not fair and it
sucks that he has it and youdon't have it.
But the thing about envy isit's coming from a place of
scarcity.
It's coming from like deep down, if you peel back the layers of
what's going on inside of you.
It's coming from a place whereyou are afraid you can't have
the thing, because if you hadthe thing that you perceive he
(08:00):
has, i don't think you'd befeeling this way at all.
And so just notice where youhave a really limiting negative
belief there about maybe it'snot in the cards for you or
maybe it's not fair that he hasit first.
And I need you to pivot awayfrom that.
I need you to get to the rootwhether you use journaling or
(08:23):
EFT tapping or EMDR or anynumber of tools right To get to
the root of what is itunderneath your envy that he has
something that you want?
What is it underneath therethat you are disbelieving it is
available to you?
Because envy is absolutely avote against yourself.
(08:45):
It is a vote against yourpersonal power.
If we take it to the furthestplace, it is a vote in favor of
victimhood on a certain level.
Right, i can't.
What if I can't?
And so love you can.
You can do anything You want todo.
May it take some rolling upyour sleeves and getting to like
(09:07):
hard work, for sure.
But if you want it, bad enough,love it's yours.
And once you set that intentionand you get your beliefs in
order that you can, then it'sjust a matter of managing your
vibration and following theclues right.
Following the clues And PS,this podcast is one of your
(09:28):
clues So I want you to notice iswhat you're struggling with
right now More jealousy or moreenvy?
In some ways, envy, i think, isa little easier to tackle
because it's I haven't reallythought this through far enough
(09:49):
to know if what I just said isabsolutely true, but envy is
like it's like okay, we got toidentify your negative belief,
we got to switch it to apositive belief and then we got
to keep you on track, right, youjust got to stay tapped into
your personal power and intoyour belief that you can, and
then you just got to keep going.
Like that's how we tackle envy.
Jealousy, on the other hand,has a lot of more complicated
(10:12):
stuff woven into it, your stuffaround attachment style, your
stuff around trust, the anxietythat you chronically experience,
the difficulty knowing whetheror not you're tapped into your
intuition or if you're reallywrapped up in your thoughts and
your feelings and they'rerunning the show.
Because jealousy it'sdefinitely a beautiful sign that
(10:38):
something is out of alignment.
So in your marriage when youwere experiencing jealousy, it
was a sign right.
It was like something's out ofalignment.
Here I need something that I'mnot receiving Now the hows and
the whys and the wins of it alllike we're not going to do that
whole autopsy right here fromwhen you were married.
(10:59):
But it was definitely a flagthat something out of alignment
When you feel it in yourfriendships or in your family
relationships or in your datingof relationships, the what
that's out of alignment is aninteresting inquiry, because it
isn't your attachment stylethat's not in alignment.
Is it your difficulty trustingyourself or others that's out of
(11:22):
alignment?
Is it that you're disconnectedfrom your intuition and that's
what's out of alignment?
You see love, because whenwe're disconnected from our
intuition, then you end uprelying on your thoughts and
your emotions to tell you whichthing to do next.
But our thoughts and ouremotions, well, they are useful
(11:44):
and they provide us a lot ofguidance, and we often give them
too much weight.
Too often we think that ourthoughts are truth and we think
that our feelings are truth, andmost of the time literally most
of the time our thoughts andour feelings are not true.
(12:04):
And so this is your call that,if you are experiencing a lot of
jealousy, to know that in manyways, jealousy is a form of
anxiety or insecurity, and whatit's primarily calling you to do
, it could be calling you to setdifferent boundaries or to make
(12:24):
certain requests.
In your relationship, whetherit's with your bestie or your
mom or the person you're datingor whatever right, you may be
needing to ask for more, andmaybe that is a very reasonable
request.
But if you don't feel clearabout if that's coming from
(12:46):
intuition or anxiety, or if youhave not found a more secure
attachment style, if you havenot created a more secure
attachment style where you cantolerate the people who you love
, whom you are closest to, youcan tolerate some healthy
separation from them, then itmay not yet be time to make the
(13:09):
relationship request or tochange a boundary right.
So much of this work, love.
So much of our healing work isabout self with self And then,
of course, a lot of that.
Then, once we've done thereally kind of foundational work
to getting really grounded inthe truth of who we are, then we
(13:30):
can start setting healthierboundaries with the people
around us.
But oftentimes we get ourselveseven more worked up because I
feel jealous, so I set aboundary, or I think I set a
boundary, but what I've reallydone is I've made a request and
then you don't listen to myrequest, and then it feels like
you violated my boundary.
Well, i probably didn't evenright, because there's a
difference between a request anda boundary.
(13:52):
And if we don't know that, ifwe don't understand the
difference between a request anda boundary, right, and so now
I'm mad at you that you violatedmy boundary, which probably
wasn't even a boundary.
You know, and and and now I'min this rabbit hole of upsetness
.
Right now my amygdala, the partof my brain that's a little
almond size, part of my brainthat gets triggered.
You know, when I'm feeling kindof fight, flight, freeze, fawn,
(14:14):
whatever, i'm super upset andI'm in this rabbit hole of what
you're doing to hurt me versuskind of side stepping all of
that and saying, oh, i feeljealous.
I need to take a look at where Iam struggling with the negative
belief that I'm not enough,that I'm not worth it, that I've
(14:36):
, that I should have donesomething different or I should
have done something better, orthat I can't trust myself or
others.
Right, so which one of thosenegative beliefs I just listed
off?
which one of those like justlit up like a mega watt light
bulb for you right now?
right And so then?
so then we have to do ourbilateral stimulation or our EFT
(14:59):
, tapping on that negativebelief.
And we got to switch it to apositive.
We got to desensitize all ofthose programs that you have
running that keep reinforcingyour belief that you're not good
enough or you're not worth it,or you can't trust, or you
should have done somethingbetter.
It's all garbage.
All of that's garbage.
They're the stories you keeptelling yourself.
And then we got to get youreally grounded in the belief
(15:22):
that you are enough, you've doneenough, that you are absolutely
lovable, that you can learn totrust.
And then, once those thingsfeel really solid, then we take
another look at it and we say,okay, now what requests do we
need to make or what boundariesdo we need to set, and if that
sounds like it's a journey andit doesn't happen overnight, yep
(15:45):
, yep, and what I love aboutabout the way that I work with
clients in particular, is thatthat it shortcuts that journey
so much, because so much of whenthe journey feels too heavy and
too long, we lose momentum,right?
(16:05):
If you've been listening for awhile, maybe you've heard me
talk about how I've been on theNoom app lately, right, and it's
.
I hate to call it a weight lossapp, because that's not exactly
what I'm using it for, butwe'll call it like a mind body
wellness app that helps me trackmy meals, so it helps me
understand more about what I'meating and which types of foods
(16:25):
I need to eat more or less of,or whatever right, so that I can
have holistic health.
And so Noom was created bypsychologists, and so they use a
lot of psychology to help mestay motivated and engaged and
to understand that motivationcomes with surges and slumps,
and so, love, in this healingrecovery journey, you're going
(16:47):
to have surges where you feelsuper motivated, and you're
going to have slumps, and that'snormal, and it's it's.
This process really is about,yes, being able to see that it's
a long haul.
Right, consistency is queen,always, always, always,
consistency is queen You'regoing to.
You know, i tell people all thetime if you came to see me once
a month at the end of the year,you would be 10x better than
(17:09):
going to, than going todifferent therapists who doesn't
use EMDR, eft, tapping andhomeopathy and all the other
things.
You could go to that therapistevery week for a year and not
make the same progress as you dowith me coming once a month.
Because it's about having theright strategy that actually
moves the needle.
And so we understand that whenwe get bogged down in a process
(17:34):
where it's overwhelming, thenit's hard for us to stay in the
surges.
Right, we we have more slumpsthan surges, and so if jealousy
is a hop and topic for you,really, really, really, this is
your call to action to getreally strategic about the
(17:54):
strategy you're using to clearup your self worth, because your
self worth is what's reallycontributing to your difficulty
managing the jealousy.
Now, as a quick tip to getclearer about that, i want you
(18:14):
to think about when do you feelmost grounded?
When do you feel most at peace?
When do you feel most clear andnot bogged down by anxiety or
monkey mind, right.
And so when you think about asyou're hearing me talk about
this the times in your life orin your day where you feel best
(18:35):
So for me that would be sittingoutside or in the shower,
typically either of those placesI can get pretty clear Or after
working out, right, likegetting off the peloton or after
lifting weights with Colleen.
So in those moments of clarity,if I revisit a pain point, it's
(18:57):
easier for me to be in solution.
So I want you to think aboutthe moments in your day where
you're the most grounded andthen take a look at okay, what
do I need to do next to tacklejealousy?
What is my intuition saying tome about tackling this?
Is my intuition saying thatit's a them thing Or it's a me
thing, or both?
(19:18):
So that's the like, if we takeit really stripped down, right.
Ask yourself this question Whenyou're most grounded is this
something where you need to makea request or set a boundary
with them, or you need toaddress self-esteem in a deeper,
more meaningful way, or both?
And if you can just get clearon that piece intuitively, then
(19:43):
you know what your next step is,or your next steps, right?
So Jealousy can cause us to doreally wild things.
You know Some of you out therethat went to high school with me
.
You know that we did some ofthose late night drive-bys on
(20:03):
our boyfriend's houses, right.
And why did we do that?
We did it out of jealousy.
There was this deep insecurityand we would drive by and where
are they?
Who are they with, you know?
are there other girls around?
What are they doing?
And where do I rank in any ofthis, right?
So for me, this was a processthat started unfolding really
early.
There was even this time ohgosh, for some of you, if you're
(20:28):
listening to this, you knowwhere we would leave a voicemail
right On the answering machineand then say, oh god, can I
break in and delete it?
There's got to be a movie aboutthat, right?
Like, can I break in and deletethe the answering machine
message before he gets it?
Because jealousy can make ussay and do crazy things.
And so if you're experiencingthat with your ex and you're
(20:50):
noticing that you're circlingthe drain about Envy actually
him living his best life postdivorce, or, you know, really
struggling with jealousy in theworld of post divorce dating, i
would encourage you to reallypump the brakes, like Slow it
(21:12):
all down and breathe deeply andget grounded before you act on
feelings of envy or jealousy,because It's probably going to
be a toxic Behavior that you use.
Probably right, i can't sayabsolutely, but Because it's not
coming from a place of groundedself-worth, it's coming from a
place of buying intodisempowerment, codependency and
(21:35):
and Functioning from a nervoussystem that is dysregulated.
Right?
Because when we feel reallytriggered about a thing,
triggered about a thing, we'renot in a regulated place, we're
in that fight flight, freezefawn space.
I don't want you to respond tojealousy or envy with fight
(21:56):
flight, freeze fawn, becausenone of those are going to solve
the problem, they're only goingto make it bigger and they're
only going to delay yourinternal peace.
So Your homework is to getgrounded and ask yourself those
questions Is it them, is it me,or is it both?
and then to do some journaling,some eft tapping Around what is
(22:22):
the negative belief aboutyourself That is driving this
jealousy or this envy?
And then to recommit to yourhealing journey, because when
you're committed to your healingjourney, noom asks me to
recommit to my big y all thetime, every, every, i think,
once a week they asked me torevisit my goal and to recommit
to it.
And it's an interesting,powerful process, right?
(22:43):
Because it says, okay, reek,and then you got to click a
button that says I commit.
It's like, okay, i just made adeal with myself.
Am I going to be true to myselfOr am I going to betray my own
commitments, right?
All right, so you have yourhomework.
Go find a pen, write in yourjournal about it.
(23:04):
I love you so much.
Peace, deer.
Divorce Diary is a podcast byMyCoachJohn.
You can find more atMyCoachJohncom.
Hi, love, this is Dawn and you're listening to
Dear Divorce Diary with my coach, dawn, where we explore the
post-divorce life and you, thewoman who lives it.
We cover everything from traumaduring and after divorce to
feeling like a stranger in yourown life and the new frontier of
life as a single woman.
We're cozy in for theconversations we've been longing
(00:26):
to have about this new life.
Hi, love, full disclosure.
I am a little hyper today andwe're gonna talk about jealousy
on the pod, but first I havegossip.
So this is my first episodeback since we were in Times
(00:53):
Square on Spring Break and ifyou follow me on Instagram and
you watch my stories, you sawthat we had a billboard.
Actually, we had at 1.3billboards in Times Square on
Easter weekend and we went forSpring Break and we did a photo
shoot and, oh my goodness, therewill be so much to come about
(01:16):
that, but it was just a reallyexciting time, really surreal.
There is definitely a photo ofme ugly crying the first time I
saw the billboard of the podcastin Times Square.
So thank you so much for beinghere, because without you, love
yes, you like literally youwithout you there is no podcast
and there is no billboard andthere is no Dear Divorce Diary.
(01:38):
You are it, you are us, we.
I love you so much.
So the other thing we have togossip about is again, if you
watch my Instagram stories,before we left, i ordered these
really beautiful pink pens thatsay Dear Divorce Diary on them
and I asked you all to vote onwhich pen I should order, and
all of that right.
(01:58):
So we ended up ordering 700pens and on the trip in the
airports, handed out 500 of them.
So and this is a this isturning into a thing So you may
be coming to the pod because youfound a pen or I don't know,
but I will tell you I lovedhanding them out.
(02:19):
We were in the airports andwent to a lot of the restaurants
and bars and gave pens topeople who really need them,
like bartenders and servers andgate agents at the airport, and
it felt so good to give somebodysomething that they could use,
and hopefully, somebody whocould use the podcast finds the
pen right.
So that was really joyful.
And if you found the pen, hitme up on Instagram.
(02:41):
I want to know.
So that was super fun.
Thanks for being here on theadventure.
All right, jealousy.
Oh man, how have we not coveredthis topic before?
right, such a good topic.
But first, before we really diginto jealousy, we have to break
down the difference betweenenvy and jealousy, because there
(03:06):
are there are two differentshades of a similar sensation,
and so I really learned thisdifference via Brené Brown's
book Atlas of the Heart, anduntil I read her breakdown of
jealousy versus envy, i didn'tknow there was a difference.
And she didn't know there was adifference until she did the
(03:28):
research and she got all of herresearch data back on all the
various emotions and reallyunderstood that there was a
striking difference between thetwo.
So here we go.
Jealousy is the experience of athird party coming in between
your relationship with anotherperson, and that third party
could be literally anotherperson.
(03:49):
So you may have experiencedthis pre-divorce right Jealousy
in your relationship, and maybeit was an affair, or maybe it
was his phone or his job or hismom or I don't know right.
But jealousy is the function ofa third party coming in between
your relationship.
Envy is the experience ofsomebody having something you
(04:13):
want and you don't have it right.
So just feel how those twothings feel a little different.
Now what's fun is that thejealousy that you felt during
your marriage inevitably rearsits ugly head again in a post
(04:37):
divorce life.
I've seen it happen time andtime again, especially when you
start dating.
Because when you start datingyou don't know where you stand,
you don't have all that livedhistory, you struggle to trust
yourself and your intuition andyou're still struggling to trust
other people.
And so, from an insecure ormixed up attachment style, when
(05:02):
someone you're dating has otherinterests and and other
responsibilities and otherplaces where they like to spend
their time, it is very easy foryou to fall into that jealousy
trap like is this coming betweenus or do I have it twisted
right?
So that's a really interestingthing to take a look at.
(05:24):
But I think that jealousy isreally common.
I think that when, especiallywhen we have an insecure
attachment style, it is easy tofeel jealous of how mom treats
you and your sister differently,or when your kids start dating
and their time is taken doing X,y or Z, or, you know, when your
(05:47):
best friend goes on a trip withsomebody else and you couldn't
go right Like.
Jealousy is just such a commonvisceral human emotion that's
super primal and it has thisfeeling like somebody is in your
territory and listen,territorial conflict is huge.
There is a whole school ofthought that says that a lot of
(06:11):
the root cause of heart attacksis territorial conflict.
Right, so, so territorialconflict is so powerful it can
potentially initiate a heartattack like, goodness, gracious,
and it makes sense, right, theheart, our love center, where we
feel love or experiencerelationships.
(06:31):
So know that literally,jealousy can become life or
death.
Wow that all of a sudden thisgot really heavy.
So we're going to talk moreabout dealing with jealousy, but
let's also take a look at envy,because envy is the thing that
you're probably experiencing inthe very acute post divorce
(06:54):
phase.
Because so often I hear womensay, don, he's moving on and he
looks happy, and I hate it, andso much of that is probably envy
.
Now, what's interesting aboutthat is he probably isn't as
happy as you think he is.
He could be right, and we'renot really here to judge or
(07:16):
assess that, but things aren't.
Things are rarely what theyseem.
Love like period in life Justput that feather in your cap.
Things are rarely what theyseem for anyone anywhere, right?
So don't hang too much on yourobservation of what his
post-averse life is.
But either which way what you'reseeing is kicking up this thing
(07:36):
that he has something that youwant and it's not fair and it
sucks that he has it and youdon't have it.
But the thing about envy isit's coming from a place of
scarcity.
It's coming from like deep down, if you peel back the layers of
what's going on inside of you.
It's coming from a place whereyou are afraid you can't have
the thing, because if you hadthe thing that you perceive he
(08:00):
has, i don't think you'd befeeling this way at all.
And so just notice where youhave a really limiting negative
belief there about maybe it'snot in the cards for you or
maybe it's not fair that he hasit first.
And I need you to pivot awayfrom that.
I need you to get to the rootwhether you use journaling or
(08:23):
EFT tapping or EMDR or anynumber of tools right To get to
the root of what is itunderneath your envy that he has
something that you want?
What is it underneath therethat you are disbelieving it is
available to you?
Because envy is absolutely avote against yourself.
(08:45):
It is a vote against yourpersonal power.
If we take it to the furthestplace, it is a vote in favor of
victimhood on a certain level.
Right, i can't.
What if I can't?
And so love you can.
You can do anything You want todo.
May it take some rolling upyour sleeves and getting to like
(09:07):
hard work, for sure.
But if you want it, bad enough,love it's yours.
And once you set that intentionand you get your beliefs in
order that you can, then it'sjust a matter of managing your
vibration and following theclues right.
Following the clues And PS,this podcast is one of your
(09:28):
clues So I want you to notice iswhat you're struggling with
right now More jealousy or moreenvy?
In some ways, envy, i think, isa little easier to tackle
because it's I haven't reallythought this through far enough
(09:49):
to know if what I just said isabsolutely true, but envy is
like it's like okay, we got toidentify your negative belief,
we got to switch it to apositive belief and then we got
to keep you on track, right, youjust got to stay tapped into
your personal power and intoyour belief that you can, and
then you just got to keep going.
Like that's how we tackle envy.
Jealousy, on the other hand,has a lot of more complicated
(10:12):
stuff woven into it, your stuffaround attachment style, your
stuff around trust, the anxietythat you chronically experience,
the difficulty knowing whetheror not you're tapped into your
intuition or if you're reallywrapped up in your thoughts and
your feelings and they'rerunning the show.
Because jealousy it'sdefinitely a beautiful sign that
(10:38):
something is out of alignment.
So in your marriage when youwere experiencing jealousy, it
was a sign right.
It was like something's out ofalignment.
Here I need something that I'mnot receiving Now the hows and
the whys and the wins of it alllike we're not going to do that
whole autopsy right here fromwhen you were married.
(10:59):
But it was definitely a flagthat something out of alignment
When you feel it in yourfriendships or in your family
relationships or in your datingof relationships, the what
that's out of alignment is aninteresting inquiry, because it
isn't your attachment stylethat's not in alignment.
Is it your difficulty trustingyourself or others that's out of
(11:22):
alignment?
Is it that you're disconnectedfrom your intuition and that's
what's out of alignment?
You see love, because whenwe're disconnected from our
intuition, then you end uprelying on your thoughts and
your emotions to tell you whichthing to do next.
But our thoughts and ouremotions, well, they are useful
(11:44):
and they provide us a lot ofguidance, and we often give them
too much weight.
Too often we think that ourthoughts are truth and we think
that our feelings are truth, andmost of the time literally most
of the time our thoughts andour feelings are not true.
(12:04):
And so this is your call that,if you are experiencing a lot of
jealousy, to know that in manyways, jealousy is a form of
anxiety or insecurity, and whatit's primarily calling you to do
, it could be calling you to setdifferent boundaries or to make
(12:24):
certain requests.
In your relationship, whetherit's with your bestie or your
mom or the person you're datingor whatever right, you may be
needing to ask for more, andmaybe that is a very reasonable
request.
But if you don't feel clearabout if that's coming from
(12:46):
intuition or anxiety, or if youhave not found a more secure
attachment style, if you havenot created a more secure
attachment style where you cantolerate the people who you love
, whom you are closest to, youcan tolerate some healthy
separation from them, then itmay not yet be time to make the
(13:09):
relationship request or tochange a boundary right.
So much of this work, love.
So much of our healing work isabout self with self And then,
of course, a lot of that.
Then, once we've done thereally kind of foundational work
to getting really grounded inthe truth of who we are, then we
(13:30):
can start setting healthierboundaries with the people
around us.
But oftentimes we get ourselveseven more worked up because I
feel jealous, so I set aboundary, or I think I set a
boundary, but what I've reallydone is I've made a request and
then you don't listen to myrequest, and then it feels like
you violated my boundary.
Well, i probably didn't evenright, because there's a
difference between a request anda boundary.
(13:52):
And if we don't know that, ifwe don't understand the
difference between a request anda boundary, right, and so now
I'm mad at you that you violatedmy boundary, which probably
wasn't even a boundary.
You know, and and and now I'min this rabbit hole of upsetness
.
Right now my amygdala, the partof my brain that's a little
almond size, part of my brainthat gets triggered.
You know, when I'm feeling kindof fight, flight, freeze, fawn,
(14:14):
whatever, i'm super upset andI'm in this rabbit hole of what
you're doing to hurt me versuskind of side stepping all of
that and saying, oh, i feeljealous.
I need to take a look at where Iam struggling with the negative
belief that I'm not enough,that I'm not worth it, that I've
(14:36):
, that I should have donesomething different or I should
have done something better, orthat I can't trust myself or
others.
Right, so which one of thosenegative beliefs I just listed
off?
which one of those like justlit up like a mega watt light
bulb for you right now?
right And so then?
so then we have to do ourbilateral stimulation or our EFT
(14:59):
, tapping on that negativebelief.
And we got to switch it to apositive.
We got to desensitize all ofthose programs that you have
running that keep reinforcingyour belief that you're not good
enough or you're not worth it,or you can't trust, or you
should have done somethingbetter.
It's all garbage.
All of that's garbage.
They're the stories you keeptelling yourself.
And then we got to get youreally grounded in the belief
(15:22):
that you are enough, you've doneenough, that you are absolutely
lovable, that you can learn totrust.
And then, once those thingsfeel really solid, then we take
another look at it and we say,okay, now what requests do we
need to make or what boundariesdo we need to set, and if that
sounds like it's a journey andit doesn't happen overnight, yep
(15:45):
, yep, and what I love aboutabout the way that I work with
clients in particular, is thatthat it shortcuts that journey
so much, because so much of whenthe journey feels too heavy and
too long, we lose momentum,right?
(16:05):
If you've been listening for awhile, maybe you've heard me
talk about how I've been on theNoom app lately, right, and it's
.
I hate to call it a weight lossapp, because that's not exactly
what I'm using it for, butwe'll call it like a mind body
wellness app that helps me trackmy meals, so it helps me
understand more about what I'meating and which types of foods
(16:25):
I need to eat more or less of,or whatever right, so that I can
have holistic health.
And so Noom was created bypsychologists, and so they use a
lot of psychology to help mestay motivated and engaged and
to understand that motivationcomes with surges and slumps,
and so, love, in this healingrecovery journey, you're going
(16:47):
to have surges where you feelsuper motivated, and you're
going to have slumps, and that'snormal, and it's it's.
This process really is about,yes, being able to see that it's
a long haul.
Right, consistency is queen,always, always, always,
consistency is queen You'regoing to.
You know, i tell people all thetime if you came to see me once
a month at the end of the year,you would be 10x better than
(17:09):
going to, than going todifferent therapists who doesn't
use EMDR, eft, tapping andhomeopathy and all the other
things.
You could go to that therapistevery week for a year and not
make the same progress as you dowith me coming once a month.
Because it's about having theright strategy that actually
moves the needle.
And so we understand that whenwe get bogged down in a process
(17:34):
where it's overwhelming, thenit's hard for us to stay in the
surges.
Right, we we have more slumpsthan surges, and so if jealousy
is a hop and topic for you,really, really, really, this is
your call to action to getreally strategic about the
(17:54):
strategy you're using to clearup your self worth, because your
self worth is what's reallycontributing to your difficulty
managing the jealousy.
Now, as a quick tip to getclearer about that, i want you
(18:14):
to think about when do you feelmost grounded?
When do you feel most at peace?
When do you feel most clear andnot bogged down by anxiety or
monkey mind, right.
And so when you think about asyou're hearing me talk about
this the times in your life orin your day where you feel best
(18:35):
So for me that would be sittingoutside or in the shower,
typically either of those placesI can get pretty clear Or after
working out, right, likegetting off the peloton or after
lifting weights with Colleen.
So in those moments of clarity,if I revisit a pain point, it's
(18:57):
easier for me to be in solution.
So I want you to think aboutthe moments in your day where
you're the most grounded andthen take a look at okay, what
do I need to do next to tacklejealousy?
What is my intuition saying tome about tackling this?
Is my intuition saying thatit's a them thing Or it's a me
thing, or both?
(19:18):
So that's the like, if we takeit really stripped down, right.
Ask yourself this question Whenyou're most grounded is this
something where you need to makea request or set a boundary
with them, or you need toaddress self-esteem in a deeper,
more meaningful way, or both?
And if you can just get clearon that piece intuitively, then
(19:43):
you know what your next step is,or your next steps, right?
So Jealousy can cause us to doreally wild things.
You know Some of you out therethat went to high school with me
.
You know that we did some ofthose late night drive-bys on
(20:03):
our boyfriend's houses, right.
And why did we do that?
We did it out of jealousy.
There was this deep insecurityand we would drive by and where
are they?
Who are they with, you know?
are there other girls around?
What are they doing?
And where do I rank in any ofthis, right?
So for me, this was a processthat started unfolding really
early.
There was even this time ohgosh, for some of you, if you're
(20:28):
listening to this, you knowwhere we would leave a voicemail
right On the answering machineand then say, oh god, can I
break in and delete it?
There's got to be a movie aboutthat, right?
Like, can I break in and deletethe the answering machine
message before he gets it?
Because jealousy can make ussay and do crazy things.
And so if you're experiencingthat with your ex and you're
(20:50):
noticing that you're circlingthe drain about Envy actually
him living his best life postdivorce, or, you know, really
struggling with jealousy in theworld of post divorce dating, i
would encourage you to reallypump the brakes, like Slow it
(21:12):
all down and breathe deeply andget grounded before you act on
feelings of envy or jealousy,because It's probably going to
be a toxic Behavior that you use.
Probably right, i can't sayabsolutely, but Because it's not
coming from a place of groundedself-worth, it's coming from a
place of buying intodisempowerment, codependency and
(21:35):
and Functioning from a nervoussystem that is dysregulated.
Right?
Because when we feel reallytriggered about a thing,
triggered about a thing, we'renot in a regulated place, we're
in that fight flight, freezefawn space.
I don't want you to respond tojealousy or envy with fight
(21:56):
flight, freeze fawn, becausenone of those are going to solve
the problem, they're only goingto make it bigger and they're
only going to delay yourinternal peace.
So Your homework is to getgrounded and ask yourself those
questions Is it them, is it me,or is it both?
and then to do some journaling,some eft tapping Around what is
(22:22):
the negative belief aboutyourself That is driving this
jealousy or this envy?
And then to recommit to yourhealing journey, because when
you're committed to your healingjourney, noom asks me to
recommit to my big y all thetime, every, every, i think,
once a week they asked me torevisit my goal and to recommit
to it.
And it's an interesting,powerful process, right?
(22:43):
Because it says, okay, reek,and then you got to click a
button that says I commit.
It's like, okay, i just made adeal with myself.
Am I going to be true to myselfOr am I going to betray my own
commitments, right?
All right, so you have yourhomework.
Go find a pen, write in yourjournal about it.
(23:04):
I love you so much.
Peace, deer.
Divorce Diary is a podcast byMyCoachJohn.
You can find more atMyCoachJohncom.
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