March 18, 2025 • 36 mins
If you've been strong for everyone else and crave a space where your truth isn't too much - come exhale with us in our exclusive online community and receive the Loneliness Roadmap for free. Join here ✨
*************************************************************************************
Are You Sabotaging Your Own Healing Journey After Divorce?
Have you ever felt like life's hurdles are stacked against you post-divorce? You're not alone.
Join Kim as she shares her raw, personal journey from feeling isolated and overwhelmed by life's challenges to discovering her inner strength and intuition through the power of community and alternative healing practices.
In this episode, you will:
- Gain insights into tapping into your intuition and how nurturing your gut feelings can lead to emotional breakthroughs.
- Discover the transformative role of supportive communities and alternative healing in finding empowerment amid life's trials.
- Unlock the power of homeopathy and how it strengthens your resilience and vital force for a renewed sense of self.
Tune in to this eye-opening episode now and take the first step toward embracing your inner strength and healing your past.
Post Divorce Roadmap - 21 Days of Guided Journaling
Join The list for A Different D Word, our personalized healing program.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dawnwiggins/
On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Divorce isn't just about splitting from a person.
It's about untangling yourentire life, your identity, your
sense of belonging.
And in today's episode we'resitting down with Kim, a teacher
who found herself navigatingthe deep loneliness, loss and
the unexpected challenges thatcame with ending a 24-year
marriage From grief to growth,isolation to empowerment.
(00:22):
This conversation is raw, realand filled with the kind of
wisdom that only comes fromwalking through the fire.
Stay with us, because what Kimshares might just change the way
you see your own healingjourney.
Hi love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
(00:43):
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
(01:10):
We are so lucky to have Kim withus today.
She is one of our longtimelisteners and part of our
community, and it was anabsolute joy to be able to sit
with her and have her share herstory with you.
In this episode we talk abouthow loneliness after divorce can
feel unbearable, but that isnot a sign of failure.
(01:31):
It's actually an invitation tosomething deeper.
And so, in just a minute, kimis going to share how she moved
through the hardest days, andstill moves through those hard
days, and what currently helpsher feel less alone.
We're also going to take a lookat the ways that the body holds
onto the pain of the past, andKim is going to share this
jaw-dropping moment where herown health crisis revealed how
much unprocessed grief she wascarrying.
(01:52):
So stick around, because herstory might help you rethink
what your body is trying to tellyou.
And finally, we know thathealing isn't just about time
passing.
It's about the tools that youuse along the way.
Healing isn't just about timepassing.
It's about the tools that youuse along the way, and, from
quantum healing to homeopathy,kim is going to share the
powerful ways she hasreconnected with herself and
taken back her strength, andbefore we wrap up, you'll hear
(02:14):
exactly how she did it and howyou can too.
Let's dig in.
This feels like a lovely fullcircle thing for me with you,
kim, because it's just.
You know, we chat all the time,right, and then here we are,
all my people are in a roomtogether.
Coach Tiffany is going to beour facilitator, our question
(02:35):
asker, but also, like, don'tfeel like you have to stick to
these questions.
Like let's riff right.
Like it's just the four of usin a room having a conversation.
Love, like truly right.
Like I want this to be morethan anything.
I just want this to be timespent together, like that's to
me like that's the mostimportant thing, fair.
Speaker 3 (02:56):
Sounds good.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Kim, how long have you been listening to the
podcast, like when abouts didyou find us?
Speaker 3 (03:06):
I think it was the summer last summer but this past
year I was I'm a teacher and Iwas on summer break and I was.
Can I tell you kind of how Ifound you?
yeah, I love that I've been onmy own for about 18 months after
being in a super long-termrelationship.
(03:28):
We were married for almost 22years together, for 24.
He was my best friend and I haddecided I wanted a change in my
life and it was veryheartbreaking.
It took a lot of time for me todecide that that's what I
wanted and for me to get off thefence and just say it.
(03:49):
And in fact, when I finally didsay it was because he was like
I know, you don't want thisanymore, I want to work it out
and you don't want it.
And so I wound up moving fromQueens to Brooklyn.
We separated and then by thesummer summer it was 18 months
later, was past summer and I hadmoved for the second time,
(04:12):
still in Brooklyn, but I hadfound an apartment that I really
loved through a friend of mineand I was.
You know it's summertime whenyou're a teacher and you have
all this time off.
All of a sudden you have a lotof time to think and process and
I, the loneliness just called.
It was worse than it had everbeen and I was like I know, like
(04:35):
I'm talking to my friends aboutthis and I have a close group
of friends who have been verysupportive and haven't judged me
, and I'd also lost a lot ofpeople who have been very
supportive and haven't judged me, and I'd also lost a lot of
people because of this and evenhad some you know stuff with
family members who didn't agreewith my choice, and I was like I
need something more.
And my therapist had said to meyou know, you should think
about maybe some kind of supportgroup for divorced people or
(04:58):
divorced women.
I was like I don't really wantthat, but I do want to
understand how this can be anempowering experience, because
somewhere in my soul I know it'smeant to be and I shouldn't be
stuck.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
How can I get aligned with what I know, on some level
, is meant to be yeah?
Speaker 3 (05:17):
And so what wound up happening is I just searched
divorce podcast casts for womenand yours was one of the first
that came up and I I just I sawa list of subjects and topics
that you'd covered and I waslike, oh my god, this is so
holistic.
This matches who I am, and Ithink one of the first ones I
(05:39):
listened to was about homeopathy.
Okay, who would have everthought like I?
It's something I've beeninterested that it could help me
in this healing process, and soI listened to that one.
So I mean, since then, I kindof I joined the, the premium
podcast when you started thatand that's been super cool, and
(06:00):
when I started to listen to that, then I was interested in the
quantum stuff too.
Speaker 4 (06:05):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
And then there was something.
I think you and I had spokenquite a few times before you
aired the one where you didquantum healing.
Something about that felt somuch more personal because we'd
spoken, I recognized your voice,there was something intuitive
about it and I was like I feellike she's speaking to me.
(06:28):
And I remember reaching outafter and going, oh my God, that
was amazing.
And then I can't even explainit in the moment, but there was
a lot of healing that happenedright after that and I remember
you saying to me you're going tofeel this for quite a few days
like keep track of what's goingon, for you.
(06:51):
But that was, you know, one ofthe most.
All of the episodes have beengreat and that was a really
powerful one for me.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
Yeah, I love that, I remember, yeah, I remember us
talking about that and yourintuition is sort of like really
opened up almost since thatmoment, right, what was your
biggest struggle at the timethat you found the podcast, and
how did hearing the conversationstart to shift things for you?
Speaker 3 (07:27):
Like I said before, I have a group of close friends
but I was self-isolating and Ithink I've done that through
this journey.
I even did this over my winterbreak and the holidays.
I also lost my mom four monthsago, which is hard, and she was
in South Africa and I went tosay goodbye and it's just been
like I've had a lot I'd gotten.
This is kind of off the track,but I, soon after I separated
(07:49):
like two months in, right beforemy spring break from school, I
actually got very sick and Ididn't know what was going on
and I went into for the doctorbecause I tried to do a zoom
call with the doctor and she waslike I can't really diagnose
you.
I think it's gastrointestinaland you might have a ruptured
appendix.
I want you to go to one of ourmedical centers.
(08:11):
And I went in and they were likeemergency room right now, to be
sure, and I went up with aruptured appendix and I was in
the hospital and I had peoplechecking in with me and I had a
friend who came and was with methe next day and throughout the
journey, for two were there butI did it on my own and it was
really scary and it was likemidnight when I found out that I
(08:34):
had it and they were scaredthat I had cancer and it was so
scary, wow, yeah.
And so you know, like I think alot of this and then losing my
mom, it was just a lot Like Iwas.
I had a lot that I was grieving, yeah, and I didn't need to
isolate.
There were people who would bethere and I just I just caught
(08:57):
myself really just like notwanting to be around people.
I was diagnosed.
I've had anxiety for probably mywhole life, but I sure um you
know I, soon after being sick, Isaw the, saw the doctor, and he
was like I'm gonna put you onsomething.
But I don't think you just haveanxiety.
I think you're depressed and Ithink it's situational like that
(09:22):
was really like all of thatjust came.
I was like a pardon theexpression like a real shit
storm.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
I was like I don't know, I don't know what to do
anymore like this is just reallyhard you know you said that it
was sort of off the track, but Idon't think it is at all love.
I think that that theexperiences that you had right,
your own medical experiences,and then who's your emergency
contact right, and then your mompassing away like this is life
(09:50):
on life's terms.
And I think that when we'removing through divorce and the
way we've related to our supportsystem is not the same, and
then we still have to deal withlife's curveballs, it almost
breaks us right.
I know that when I was gettingdivorced and I had cluster
headaches, I was often callingpeople from my Al-Anon phone
(10:12):
list to take me to the emergencyroom and and I think it's
really scary to be single andhave that kind of health issue
my heart really breaks and Ithink, especially for women at
this point.
Right, we have parents that areaging and anything could happen
at this point.
I know we have a woman that wasin the that's in the program
(10:32):
now and her dad passed away afew months ago.
I think these are the realitiesthat we don't talk about.
You mentioned or like it's justhard to feel support when
there's that much crisis goingon.
I think you know you said youlost people.
I'd love to hear more aboutthat too, because it's like gosh
there's just like crisis on topof crisis on top of crisis, and
(10:53):
then I have half the support orquarter of the support that I
had and, of course, you isolatedright.
Your nervous system wasshutting down.
It was just overburdened,completely overburdened,
absolutely.
Speaker 3 (11:06):
I mean I want to talk about, like the people I lost,
because you mentioned that, butI something interesting came out
of this, like I searched for,kind of what is the spiritual?
What's the spiritual meaningbehind a ruptured appendix, not
just a yeah, an appendicitis?
And it was fear of movingforward yeah, wow, and did it
(11:30):
rupture?
Yeah it did, yeah, and thesurgeon said to me if you had
left this, she said we wouldn'tbe in conversation yeah, I mean,
it was the same for me withcluster headaches, right.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
Cluster headaches was it's HPA access dysfunction
caused by a lifetime of traumaand suppressed rage Suppressed
rage, right it's.
Yeah, I had this right, and theamount of health issues that I
had from all of that.
So we're twinsies.
I'll take that yeah it'sremarkable what you've, what
(12:10):
you've been able to do foryourself, in terms of what
you've reclaimed, in terms ofyour wellness you know, one of
my closest friends names Alessia.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
She and I teach together and she said to me
recently she goes.
You know, do you realize howbrave you are and how strong you
are?
She goes.
I'm so proud of you.
You've just you've gone throughso much and you've done it with
so much grace.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Grace, yeah, yeah, you have been so gracious.
I mean, even in therelationship we've built Right
there have been many times I'vereached out to you and said hey,
you know, can you give me yourthoughts on this?
And I endorse her assessmentyou are one of the kindest, most
empathetic people, deeplyintuitive.
I cannot believe the appendixpart that's was it a Louise Hay?
(12:59):
Like, how did you?
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (13:04):
I mean, I knew about her and I have friends who've
been recommending that I get herbooks.
And I finally do own one nowand I used it all the time, but
yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Is it you Can Heal your Life?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's got agreat little appendix right
where you can look up healthissues.
Yeah, yeah, it's pretty good.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
You have worked through a lot love, yeah.
And I think when I finally cometo the space of going, I'm not
a villain because I made adifferent choice.
And I still battle with thatbecause at my most vulnerable
moments I'm like this is myfault.
I mean, you know, I had myyounger brother actually said to
me once he's like you know,it's all about you, so selfish
(13:53):
he goes um, you chose this.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
I'm not going to feel sorry for you.
Wow, like just flat out saidlike because you made a choice,
you don't deserve compassionyeah.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
He was like this is Satan's work in your life.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
Satan's work.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
Yeah, this is Satan's work.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
And when those are the dominant voices, right, it's
so hard yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
So, kim, beyond the podcast, I know you've also
connected with our team at DearDivorce Diary and other ways, so
can you share how that's helped?
Speaker 3 (14:30):
Yeah, so I have the Heartbeat app.
I belong to the cocooncommunity.
That's where I've connectedwith you, tiffany, is that I
went through there.
It's been so great.
I know I was having a reallyintense time a few weeks ago and
I had reached out to Dawn andI'd reached out to you and at
(14:52):
one point Dawn said hi, love.
I haven't replied, but Tiffanyand I were talking and she's got
you and it just was so true.
I remember you recommending ameditation for me to try, and
(15:18):
I've been doing it and reallyloving it.
And then I found some othersand shared them with you and you
are both expert in this workand but it doesn't feel like
authority speaking down to me.
It's collaboration and us beingvulnerable together, you know,
and that's just really powerful.
I mean, I think my own woundingand my own trauma and life
(15:42):
experience and conditioningalways has me thinking somebody
else has the answer.
You know, and I think I'mlearning to trust my intuition
to this work and I feel deeplyheld in a space where you're
(16:02):
collaborating with me you'redeeply gifted, right, like you,
you are a joy to collaboratewith because very, very often
you come with your own solutionstoo.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
right, the amount of meditations you found and shown
me, like, right, when you weresick the other week and you had
this cough in the lungs and you,you know we're on insight timer
and you found was it EFT ormeditation for lung, like,
you're always learning andabsorbing and you know, I know
you have an interest in thiswork and I think you're just so
well suited for it.
(16:34):
Right, and it's interesting Idon't know if we've had this
conversation, but sort of theclue about you being a twin and
whatever like that, just thatwhole profile that you know, one
day we'll talk about it ingreater depth from a homeopathic
perspective.
The same people who areleft-handed or who have twins or
who have all of that in theirfamily system, tend to have
(16:56):
deeper intuition and tend toabide closer to God.
The veil is thinner, and sothat's of you, right, that's of
you, it's in your ancestry and Iknow you already know that and
I'm just confirming for yousomething you already know.
But, yeah, you are even moreintuitive, I think, than you
probably know and I think youknow, I think you've been called
(17:19):
to this work on some level.
You shared with me yesterdayand and I love that for you I
think you're already doing it asa teacher, but I know you have
a sort of vision for how to doit even more.
I have no doubt you hold spacefor your students in a way that
feels exhausting right, becauseyou've mentioned that.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
that it's just it's hard and too, kim, like as a
coach, like I know that myclients are very whole and very
capable.
There's just things that areburied underneath of there and
so I enjoy kind of bringing itout, you know, and helping
people kind of unbury the layersof themselves.
But, you know, I believe thateveryone has the answers to
(18:01):
their own self and everyone'sgot it in them.
They just have to.
Sometimes you have to havesomeone walk with you for a
while to to allow you to trustwhat you, you know, are saying.
And I think that you know, inthe cocoon community, what I
love too is, you know, to beable to DM people that are in
there.
It's very humanizing, you know,like when, when Don and I enjoy
(18:22):
when we're working with people,they see us like we're sharing
our vulnerabilities.
we're sharing, you know, ourmistakes, things in life that
we've tripped up on you knowit's, it's a very humanizing
experience and again, we're noton the other side of this saying
that our lives are perfect,because they're not.
There's no such thing, and sowe were very open with our
(18:42):
clients, people in our community, about.
You know the things that westruggle with and and the ways
that we move through and workthrough.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
It's that paradox of vulnerability right, that we're
always so afraid that ourvulnerability is going to repel
people, but it's the opposite.
Speaker 4 (18:54):
It draws us all closer.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Yeah, there were things that I mean I'm going to
be honest Like there were thingslike when I started doing the
podcast with John that I'dinitially said were off limits,
that I didn't want to talk about, and now you know, same thing
with you know everything else,and now, as we get further into
it, I want to talk about itbecause it liberates.
Yeah, want to talk about itbecause it liberates.
(19:16):
Yeah, it's gonna allow, it'sgonna be the one thing that that
woman's gonna say oh, okay, nowI can really like come out with
it because I know youunderstand.
So the more vulnerable we canall be together and share, I
think you know, the deeper ithelps everyone yeah, it's
interesting even coming on.
Speaker 3 (19:28):
I was so nervous about doing this and I like, I
feel like I've even opened upmore than I thought I would.
Just because it feels it's mytruth right, A truth shared with
people who can hold space forthat.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
No one's repelled by anything that I'm saying or
thinking or feeling,Deliberating right the more we
can own those fragments ofourselves.
It's such a good feeling Now.
That's not to say that we mightnot all have an emotional
hangover, a vulnerabilityhangover, tomorrow.
Right, ask me tomorrow, maybe Imight have a right.
We've said a lot of thingstoday.
Talk a little bit about yourexperience with homeopathy in
(20:13):
this last few weeks.
It's not an easy journey per se, right, like I think.
A lot of times I talk abouthomeopathy like it's so magical
and it is.
It creates movement, right, butmovement can be uncomfortable.
Speaker 3 (20:27):
There's something very intuitive about it, but
there's somethingcounterintuitive.
If you haven't done it before,like I know, when I've asked you
should I dose again?
And you're like, tell me aboutwhat you're going through.
Like when you think of modernmedicine, you think of western
medicine, you take a pill andyou keep taking it till you get
(20:48):
better.
With homeopathy, it's abouttaking a dose and letting that
dose run its course.
And so much came up.
I cried about four times theother day, once before school,
once at lunchtime, once afterlunch.
I cried myself to sleep thatnight.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
I felt like a sponge that had been wrung out and I've
been tired all week.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
The fact that I can doing this at 930 on a Friday
night is and not feel like I'mdepleted is a big deal.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Yeah, that's what homeopathy does.
It strengthens vital force,right.
It clears out the mess that'sbeen weighing down vital force
and it does it strengthens,strengthens your whole, and then
we navigate everything morerobustly.
It's it's beautiful.
Yeah, we've had a lot of sortof beautiful homeopathy
(21:41):
conversations.
It's one of the things that Ilove about what we do over here,
because right in Westernmedicine there's a prescription,
right, and you take theprescribed.
But me coaching someone throughhomeopathy, and I actually
probably take an even moreunique approach than some other
homeopaths, because somehomeopaths will also give very
prescribed dosing regimen and Iwould much rather teach you how
(22:07):
to be in tune with your energyand when to do something,
because that gives you the powerright To be able to say, to
know, to trust yourself evenmore.
That's what I want for you isto have this deep, abiding trust
and confidence that you knowhow to do it and what to do and
how to take charge, that youcould go to the health food
(22:27):
store and it may be cumbersomebut you could muscle test every
dang remedy on that shelf andyou'd be able to find a match
and you'd know how to water doseand you'd know how to expand
that energy.
If you needed to right, I'dmuch rather teach you to fish.
You know and you are especiallycapable.
Speaker 3 (22:43):
Yeah, it's, it's cool and I want to do more of it.
Um, I mean, I know I also.
I had also asked you.
There was a time when I had a.
So I had also asked you.
There was a time when I had acough.
Speaker 4 (22:56):
before this cough, I had a cold and I asked you about
a remedy.
Speaker 3 (23:02):
I said I was thinking , you know you could get this on
Amazon.
And you said, oh, that's areally good brand, go for it.
I sorted the cough out withindays.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Oh, it was the tea, the mulling tea.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
What do you feel like is one thing that you've
learned from doing this workthat you wish that every woman
navigating divorce could hearright now?
Speaker 3 (23:22):
I would say you're worth it.
It starts more like I did.
I've joined the community, Ihave the Loneliest Roadmap, I
have the Poster's DivorceRoadmap.
I know, tiffany, you had saidearlier that body scan is your
go-to.
For a while that's what I justwas doing.
I had, you know, gone back toyou know the course, and I was
(23:45):
like I'm just I'm going to picka five minute thing and I'm
going to do a body scan everynight when I get home from work.
And so I came home for a solidweek and I laid down on my bed
and I did a body scan before Imade dinner and it was good.
It was just very grounding forme.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
Yeah, that's the thing.
Start small, right, If it isstart.
Do you have any questions forus?
Let's turn the tables.
Speaker 3 (24:10):
If that last question , if I were to put it back to
you, what would you say?
Speaker 1 (24:17):
I hear producer joy say all the time you're worth it
.
Speaker 4 (24:18):
I would say this is kind of what I've been
ruminating this week on is likeyou're stronger than you think
you are.
You're more capable than youthink you are because, in those
moments where the kids arecrying and you're by yourself
and the water's leaking, youhave to feel, it's well, like
you can do it.
You can do hard things.
You yes, you're by yourself andthe water's leaking.
You have to feel like you cando it.
You can do hard things.
Yes, you're worth it.
But also that resistance of Idon't want to do it.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
I don't want to have to do it.
It's too hard, you can't do it.
Speaker 4 (24:44):
Yeah, you're stronger than you think you are.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
I think the you're worth it piece.
I have a side take on that likethat is.
The core issue often, I think,is women.
Is we doubt so much our ownpower?
But there's something in thereabout I wish I could have more
women see how they are avoidingthemselves, right like the thing
(25:12):
you're avoiding is nine timesout of 10.
It is the thing you need.
And that even goes down to acouple of months ago.
I had met with Kate one-on-oneand I came out of there really
like it had pulled up a lot ofstuff, and so I was texting
these two and I don't evenremember all the details,
(25:33):
probably because of the time ofstuff.
And so I was texting these twoand I don't even remember all
the details, probably because ofthe time of night, and we've
been talking and thinking somuch.
But and Tiffany was likebasically, like okay, so let's
say it's the worst case scenario.
Oh, it was this idea that I'mthe problem.
Yeah, I was like I can't be theproblem.
I'm fine being a problem, but Ican't be the problem.
(25:54):
And she was like so what ifyou're the problem?
Right, that thing I wasresisting so hard.
I was like I couldn't sit withthis idea that I was the problem
.
And she was like, so what ifyou're the problem?
And I was like, well, thatwould be really liberating.
All right, I'm the problem, andjust accepting that and like,
maybe today I am and maybe todayI'm not, but it's like that
thing that we resist and avoidis the thing we need to move
(26:16):
through.
And I wish that more womenwould have the faith in
themselves that they can movethrough the thing and that it's
worth it.
Right, we get so afraid of theunknown.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
I mean, I think for me it's.
You know the time is now.
You know I'm a perfect exampleof somebody who literally
dissociated and put myself in abubble for a decade, not, you
know, being afraid to havefriendships, not really dating.
You know, focusing so much onraising my daughter and doing
(26:48):
that.
And you know it wasn't until Igot into my next relationship.
That was healthy and it feltscary that I realized I have so
much more work to do andthankfully I have a partner who
is very patient and who is alsois committed to.
You know, my emotional healingLike not everyone's like that.
You know, like I could havesaved a lot of time and headache
(27:11):
if I just would have done thework you know prior to it.
Have saved a lot of time andheadache if I just would have
done the work you know prior toit.
And I, you know, especiallywith EMDR.
You know people had beenrecommending that I do EMDR
since I've been 16 years old andI just never wanted to actually
do it.
And so it's like when youfinally face the thing and then
you have a team of people andthen you have a group of other
(27:33):
women who are going through itwith you and you can say the
scary things out loud and youcan say the vulnerable things
out loud.
There's a lot of healing inthat.
To say you know what today Imight be the effing problem, you
know and you're going to loveme anyway, and it's okay, you
know.
So I think what I would say is,especially as a mom like I was
(27:55):
so conditioned to put mydaughter first above everything
and anything I ever did formyself, felt selfish and wrong
and like I shouldn't be doing it.
And it's really not that way,because it's almost like when
you're regulated, you set thetone for your kids and so you
know when you're feeling atpeace and you're taking that
time for yourself to do the work.
They can see that and theyreceive you so much more.
(28:17):
You know differently and youknow I was a more patient mom, I
was more present, you know,with everybody and yeah, I guess
also because you kind of you'remothering yourself in a new way
, right?
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Yeah, what else you got for us?
Give us one more.
Speaker 3 (28:34):
I'd love to know a little bit more about EMDR.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
So the loneliness roadmap basically is EMDR in a
immersive coaching right Likethat's.
I designed the lonelinessroadmap to teach women how to
use the tools of EMDR at home,at home.
So EMDR really is a combinationof somatics, negative and
positive beliefs and bilateralstimulation, by that meaning two
(29:05):
sided stimulation, right, so wecan use this butterfly tap as
two sided simulation.
The way we initially learnedEMDR is through eye movement,
right when we're doing thistrack.
Track my fingers with your boy.
It's been a long time since Idid EMDR.
It's just sort of fun just todo this, just as a throwback.
I used to do this in office allday long and people would say
doesn't your arm get tired?
I'm doing the Lord's work.
So EMDR takes this sort ofsomatic reactivation of a part
(29:32):
right, like a part of self thathas a burden, and it activates
this old, painful memorysomatically.
What were you feeling, what wasthe smell, what was the sound,
right?
What sensations do you have inyour body?
Where is that held in your body?
What are the negative beliefsyou've internalized associated
with that memory?
Because that's what keeps itstuck?
(29:55):
And then we process bilaterally, whether that's using eye
movement or tapping or tones inthe ear and and what that
bilateral stimulation does, whenthat's all beautifully
activated, is it allows thebrain to start to process
through the memory networks, allthe associated memories.
(30:15):
It's a free association modelwhere you start at this target
point and then you freeassociate as we tap and the mind
just wanders and it's asubconscious driven technique.
So again, that old way of doingtherapy, where the therapist is
the expert and they say I thinkwe need to process blah, blah,
blah, like the subconscious mindis going to show us what needs
(30:35):
to be processed in EMDR.
And eventually you start andyou're touching these painful
memories and it's if you're notcompletely dissociated which I
often was, you know and theyfeel very, very intense and as
you bilaterally simulate it getsless and less and less until it
gets neutral or positive.
And then we go back and we say,okay, what's the positive
(30:55):
belief you'd want to haveassociated with that rather than
the negative belief you've beencarrying around?
And I think that the positiveside of EMDR is way underrated.
And then we go back and we pairthat old painful memory that's
not painful anymore with thispositive belief.
We're almost like you know,people say you can't change the
past, but, like man, we canchange how you remember the past
(31:16):
and what's the difference atthat point, you know.
And then we sort of installthat positive belief and now
we've just sort of primed you toexperience the world in a
totally different way.
We've unburdened the exiledpart, we've created parts,
integration, we've reprocessedthat negative belief, we've
turned it into a positive belief, right.
And if you've done it usinghomeopathy, like, we've been
(31:38):
able to get that much deeper.
If you tend to, I, when I wasin EMDR as a patient, I often
struggled to really connect.
There was so much dissociativeprocess going on for me.
I could get a certain amount ofbenefit, I did get a lot of
benefit from EMDR, but I'vegotten so much more since adding
homeopathy because I've beenable to go so much deeper into
(31:59):
those memories and unlock somany things.
So in the loneliness roadmap Ijust created like a worksheet
right For you to sort of journalthrough, I very early on taught
joy, like, if you can't go toEMDR today, because very often
we're triggered and we need towork through things, not when
we're conveniently sitting inour therapist's office, and so I
(32:19):
, you know when you journal whatyou're feeling, what it feels
like in your body.
Do a body scan right.
Emdr uses a lot of bodyscanning.
Do a body scan right.
What you're feeling, you know.
Butterfly tap, let the mindjust wander with it, as long as
you're welcoming in the feeling,right.
I think the where people gowrong or what I would often
(32:41):
default to, is I was trying todistance myself from the emotion
.
You've got to really lean inand welcome it and support those
parts and then go back tojournaling and then butterfly
tap and journal.
And so that's how I designedthe loneliness roadmap to be
able to sort of lean into andprocess some of that.
Because there's just somethingthe body was designed to heal
itself, right, and so when youbilaterally simulate, it allows
(33:03):
the mind to tap into what theywhoever they are have called the
adaptive information processingsystem in our minds.
So what I've seen anecdotallyin my therapy practice is, let's
say, you've read Mel Robbinsbook let them and you sort of
understand it intellectually,but you can't sort of seem to
get it to integrate or kick inautomatically when you're
(33:27):
actually triggered, right, andit's like and then you're three
hours later and you're like, ah,why didn't I use the let them
theory, right?
What I've seen with EMDR is,once we've processed something
using all that, the elements ofthe technique, then all of a
sudden the let them theory, itjust like the brain is like oh,
you know what we could have donethere, we could have used the
(33:48):
let them theory.
And then that all gets embeddedin the mind, the adaptive
information integrates.
And then the next time you gettriggered it's like that seems
far more on the menu.
It's like available,fascinating.
And then I'll add I'll takethat even up a notch.
A couple of summers ago Imicrodosed psilocybin with a
(34:09):
guide and I had been doing a lotof EMDR work and then all of a
sudden, after that one microdosewith the guide, it was like so
much of what I had done in EMDRfelt like it just like locked in
in just such a more profoundway.
So there are so many ways rightto open the mind and allow it
(34:31):
to be reprogrammed in a way thatit's thriving.
You know, very cool amazing whata beautiful time together,
ladies.
Speaker 3 (34:41):
I just want to say that those three of you are so
awesome and amazing and I'm soglad that I'm seeing you
together now and I want to comesee you, you know.
Speaker 1 (34:52):
Yes, well, you could do that.
Our retreat is at the end ofJune.
Well, you know how to find us.
We're going to look forward tomany more a conversation,
sending you lots of love.
Have sweet dreams tonight, andI don't know.
Thank you for being the bestpart of what we do.
You know, without you, there isno Dear Divorce Diary podcast,
(35:16):
you know, and the connection andthe relationships is why we do
what we do, and I know we'rejust beyond grateful.
All right, love.
Have a beautiful, beautifulevening, reach out if you need
us.
Good night, friends.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for being here.
Divorce isn't just about splitting from a person.
It's about untangling yourentire life, your identity, your
sense of belonging.
And in today's episode we'resitting down with Kim, a teacher
who found herself navigatingthe deep loneliness, loss and
the unexpected challenges thatcame with ending a 24-year
marriage From grief to growth,isolation to empowerment.
(00:22):
This conversation is raw, realand filled with the kind of
wisdom that only comes fromwalking through the fire.
Stay with us, because what Kimshares might just change the way
you see your own healingjourney.
Hi love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
(00:43):
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
(01:10):
We are so lucky to have Kim withus today.
She is one of our longtimelisteners and part of our
community, and it was anabsolute joy to be able to sit
with her and have her share herstory with you.
In this episode we talk abouthow loneliness after divorce can
feel unbearable, but that isnot a sign of failure.
(01:31):
It's actually an invitation tosomething deeper.
And so, in just a minute, kimis going to share how she moved
through the hardest days, andstill moves through those hard
days, and what currently helpsher feel less alone.
We're also going to take a lookat the ways that the body holds
onto the pain of the past, andKim is going to share this
jaw-dropping moment where herown health crisis revealed how
much unprocessed grief she wascarrying.
(01:52):
So stick around, because herstory might help you rethink
what your body is trying to tellyou.
And finally, we know thathealing isn't just about time
passing.
It's about the tools that youuse along the way.
Healing isn't just about timepassing.
It's about the tools that youuse along the way, and, from
quantum healing to homeopathy,kim is going to share the
powerful ways she hasreconnected with herself and
taken back her strength, andbefore we wrap up, you'll hear
(02:14):
exactly how she did it and howyou can too.
Let's dig in.
This feels like a lovely fullcircle thing for me with you,
kim, because it's just.
You know, we chat all the time,right, and then here we are,
all my people are in a roomtogether.
Coach Tiffany is going to beour facilitator, our question
(02:35):
asker, but also, like, don'tfeel like you have to stick to
these questions.
Like let's riff right.
Like it's just the four of usin a room having a conversation.
Love, like truly right.
Like I want this to be morethan anything.
I just want this to be timespent together, like that's to
me like that's the mostimportant thing, fair.
Speaker 3 (02:56):
Sounds good.
Speaker 1 (02:57):
Kim, how long have you been listening to the
podcast, like when abouts didyou find us?
Speaker 3 (03:06):
I think it was the summer last summer but this past
year I was I'm a teacher and Iwas on summer break and I was.
Can I tell you kind of how Ifound you?
yeah, I love that I've been onmy own for about 18 months after
being in a super long-termrelationship.
(03:28):
We were married for almost 22years together, for 24.
He was my best friend and I haddecided I wanted a change in my
life and it was veryheartbreaking.
It took a lot of time for me todecide that that's what I
wanted and for me to get off thefence and just say it.
(03:49):
And in fact, when I finally didsay it was because he was like
I know, you don't want thisanymore, I want to work it out
and you don't want it.
And so I wound up moving fromQueens to Brooklyn.
We separated and then by thesummer summer it was 18 months
later, was past summer and I hadmoved for the second time,
(04:12):
still in Brooklyn, but I hadfound an apartment that I really
loved through a friend of mineand I was.
You know it's summertime whenyou're a teacher and you have
all this time off.
All of a sudden you have a lotof time to think and process and
I, the loneliness just called.
It was worse than it had everbeen and I was like I know, like
(04:35):
I'm talking to my friends aboutthis and I have a close group
of friends who have been verysupportive and haven't judged me
, and I'd also lost a lot ofpeople who have been very
supportive and haven't judged me, and I'd also lost a lot of
people because of this and evenhad some you know stuff with
family members who didn't agreewith my choice, and I was like I
need something more.
And my therapist had said to meyou know, you should think
about maybe some kind of supportgroup for divorced people or
(04:58):
divorced women.
I was like I don't really wantthat, but I do want to
understand how this can be anempowering experience, because
somewhere in my soul I know it'smeant to be and I shouldn't be
stuck.
Speaker 1 (05:12):
How can I get aligned with what I know, on some level
, is meant to be yeah?
Speaker 3 (05:17):
And so what wound up happening is I just searched
divorce podcast casts for womenand yours was one of the first
that came up and I I just I sawa list of subjects and topics
that you'd covered and I waslike, oh my god, this is so
holistic.
This matches who I am, and Ithink one of the first ones I
(05:39):
listened to was about homeopathy.
Okay, who would have everthought like I?
It's something I've beeninterested that it could help me
in this healing process, and soI listened to that one.
So I mean, since then, I kindof I joined the, the premium
podcast when you started thatand that's been super cool, and
(06:00):
when I started to listen to that, then I was interested in the
quantum stuff too.
Speaker 4 (06:05):
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (06:07):
And then there was something.
I think you and I had spokenquite a few times before you
aired the one where you didquantum healing.
Something about that felt somuch more personal because we'd
spoken, I recognized your voice,there was something intuitive
about it and I was like I feellike she's speaking to me.
(06:28):
And I remember reaching outafter and going, oh my God, that
was amazing.
And then I can't even explainit in the moment, but there was
a lot of healing that happenedright after that and I remember
you saying to me you're going tofeel this for quite a few days
like keep track of what's goingon, for you.
(06:51):
But that was, you know, one ofthe most.
All of the episodes have beengreat and that was a really
powerful one for me.
Speaker 1 (06:58):
Yeah, I love that, I remember, yeah, I remember us
talking about that and yourintuition is sort of like really
opened up almost since thatmoment, right, what was your
biggest struggle at the timethat you found the podcast, and
how did hearing the conversationstart to shift things for you?
Speaker 3 (07:27):
Like I said before, I have a group of close friends
but I was self-isolating and Ithink I've done that through
this journey.
I even did this over my winterbreak and the holidays.
I also lost my mom four monthsago, which is hard, and she was
in South Africa and I went tosay goodbye and it's just been
like I've had a lot I'd gotten.
This is kind of off the track,but I, soon after I separated
(07:49):
like two months in, right beforemy spring break from school, I
actually got very sick and Ididn't know what was going on
and I went into for the doctorbecause I tried to do a zoom
call with the doctor and she waslike I can't really diagnose
you.
I think it's gastrointestinaland you might have a ruptured
appendix.
I want you to go to one of ourmedical centers.
(08:11):
And I went in and they were likeemergency room right now, to be
sure, and I went up with aruptured appendix and I was in
the hospital and I had peoplechecking in with me and I had a
friend who came and was with methe next day and throughout the
journey, for two were there butI did it on my own and it was
really scary and it was likemidnight when I found out that I
(08:34):
had it and they were scaredthat I had cancer and it was so
scary, wow, yeah.
And so you know, like I think alot of this and then losing my
mom, it was just a lot Like Iwas.
I had a lot that I was grieving, yeah, and I didn't need to
isolate.
There were people who would bethere and I just I just caught
(08:57):
myself really just like notwanting to be around people.
I was diagnosed.
I've had anxiety for probably mywhole life, but I sure um you
know I, soon after being sick, Isaw the, saw the doctor, and he
was like I'm gonna put you onsomething.
But I don't think you just haveanxiety.
I think you're depressed and Ithink it's situational like that
(09:22):
was really like all of thatjust came.
I was like a pardon theexpression like a real shit
storm.
Speaker 1 (09:28):
I was like I don't know, I don't know what to do
anymore like this is just reallyhard you know you said that it
was sort of off the track, but Idon't think it is at all love.
I think that that theexperiences that you had right,
your own medical experiences,and then who's your emergency
contact right, and then your mompassing away like this is life
(09:50):
on life's terms.
And I think that when we'removing through divorce and the
way we've related to our supportsystem is not the same, and
then we still have to deal withlife's curveballs, it almost
breaks us right.
I know that when I was gettingdivorced and I had cluster
headaches, I was often callingpeople from my Al-Anon phone
(10:12):
list to take me to the emergencyroom and and I think it's
really scary to be single andhave that kind of health issue
my heart really breaks and Ithink, especially for women at
this point.
Right, we have parents that areaging and anything could happen
at this point.
I know we have a woman that wasin the that's in the program
(10:32):
now and her dad passed away afew months ago.
I think these are the realitiesthat we don't talk about.
You mentioned or like it's justhard to feel support when
there's that much crisis goingon.
I think you know you said youlost people.
I'd love to hear more aboutthat too, because it's like gosh
there's just like crisis on topof crisis on top of crisis, and
(10:53):
then I have half the support orquarter of the support that I
had and, of course, you isolatedright.
Your nervous system wasshutting down.
It was just overburdened,completely overburdened,
absolutely.
Speaker 3 (11:06):
I mean I want to talk about, like the people I lost,
because you mentioned that, butI something interesting came out
of this, like I searched for,kind of what is the spiritual?
What's the spiritual meaningbehind a ruptured appendix, not
just a yeah, an appendicitis?
And it was fear of movingforward yeah, wow, and did it
(11:30):
rupture?
Yeah it did, yeah, and thesurgeon said to me if you had
left this, she said we wouldn'tbe in conversation yeah, I mean,
it was the same for me withcluster headaches, right.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
Cluster headaches was it's HPA access dysfunction
caused by a lifetime of traumaand suppressed rage Suppressed
rage, right it's.
Yeah, I had this right, and theamount of health issues that I
had from all of that.
So we're twinsies.
I'll take that yeah it'sremarkable what you've, what
(12:10):
you've been able to do foryourself, in terms of what
you've reclaimed, in terms ofyour wellness you know, one of
my closest friends names Alessia.
Speaker 3 (12:18):
She and I teach together and she said to me
recently she goes.
You know, do you realize howbrave you are and how strong you
are?
She goes.
I'm so proud of you.
You've just you've gone throughso much and you've done it with
so much grace.
Speaker 1 (12:36):
Grace, yeah, yeah, you have been so gracious.
I mean, even in therelationship we've built Right
there have been many times I'vereached out to you and said hey,
you know, can you give me yourthoughts on this?
And I endorse her assessmentyou are one of the kindest, most
empathetic people, deeplyintuitive.
I cannot believe the appendixpart that's was it a Louise Hay?
(12:59):
Like, how did you?
Yeah?
Speaker 3 (13:04):
I mean, I knew about her and I have friends who've
been recommending that I get herbooks.
And I finally do own one nowand I used it all the time, but
yeah.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
Is it you Can Heal your Life?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, it's got agreat little appendix right
where you can look up healthissues.
Yeah, yeah, it's pretty good.
Speaker 3 (13:29):
You have worked through a lot love, yeah.
And I think when I finally cometo the space of going, I'm not
a villain because I made adifferent choice.
And I still battle with thatbecause at my most vulnerable
moments I'm like this is myfault.
I mean, you know, I had myyounger brother actually said to
me once he's like you know,it's all about you, so selfish
(13:53):
he goes um, you chose this.
Speaker 1 (13:59):
I'm not going to feel sorry for you.
Wow, like just flat out saidlike because you made a choice,
you don't deserve compassionyeah.
Speaker 3 (14:06):
He was like this is Satan's work in your life.
Speaker 1 (14:10):
Satan's work.
Speaker 3 (14:11):
Yeah, this is Satan's work.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (14:15):
And when those are the dominant voices, right, it's
so hard yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:19):
So, kim, beyond the podcast, I know you've also
connected with our team at DearDivorce Diary and other ways, so
can you share how that's helped?
Speaker 3 (14:30):
Yeah, so I have the Heartbeat app.
I belong to the cocooncommunity.
That's where I've connectedwith you, tiffany, is that I
went through there.
It's been so great.
I know I was having a reallyintense time a few weeks ago and
I had reached out to Dawn andI'd reached out to you and at
(14:52):
one point Dawn said hi, love.
I haven't replied, but Tiffanyand I were talking and she's got
you and it just was so true.
I remember you recommending ameditation for me to try, and
(15:18):
I've been doing it and reallyloving it.
And then I found some othersand shared them with you and you
are both expert in this workand but it doesn't feel like
authority speaking down to me.
It's collaboration and us beingvulnerable together, you know,
and that's just really powerful.
I mean, I think my own woundingand my own trauma and life
(15:42):
experience and conditioningalways has me thinking somebody
else has the answer.
You know, and I think I'mlearning to trust my intuition
to this work and I feel deeplyheld in a space where you're
(16:02):
collaborating with me you'redeeply gifted, right, like you,
you are a joy to collaboratewith because very, very often
you come with your own solutionstoo.
Speaker 1 (16:12):
right, the amount of meditations you found and shown
me, like, right, when you weresick the other week and you had
this cough in the lungs and you,you know we're on insight timer
and you found was it EFT ormeditation for lung, like,
you're always learning andabsorbing and you know, I know
you have an interest in thiswork and I think you're just so
well suited for it.
(16:34):
Right, and it's interesting Idon't know if we've had this
conversation, but sort of theclue about you being a twin and
whatever like that, just thatwhole profile that you know, one
day we'll talk about it ingreater depth from a homeopathic
perspective.
The same people who areleft-handed or who have twins or
who have all of that in theirfamily system, tend to have
(16:56):
deeper intuition and tend toabide closer to God.
The veil is thinner, and sothat's of you, right, that's of
you, it's in your ancestry and Iknow you already know that and
I'm just confirming for yousomething you already know.
But, yeah, you are even moreintuitive, I think, than you
probably know and I think youknow, I think you've been called
(17:19):
to this work on some level.
You shared with me yesterdayand and I love that for you I
think you're already doing it asa teacher, but I know you have
a sort of vision for how to doit even more.
I have no doubt you hold spacefor your students in a way that
feels exhausting right, becauseyou've mentioned that.
Speaker 2 (17:39):
that it's just it's hard and too, kim, like as a
coach, like I know that myclients are very whole and very
capable.
There's just things that areburied underneath of there and
so I enjoy kind of bringing itout, you know, and helping
people kind of unbury the layersof themselves.
But, you know, I believe thateveryone has the answers to
(18:01):
their own self and everyone'sgot it in them.
They just have to.
Sometimes you have to havesomeone walk with you for a
while to to allow you to trustwhat you, you know, are saying.
And I think that you know, inthe cocoon community, what I
love too is, you know, to beable to DM people that are in
there.
It's very humanizing, you know,like when, when Don and I enjoy
(18:22):
when we're working with people,they see us like we're sharing
our vulnerabilities.
we're sharing, you know, ourmistakes, things in life that
we've tripped up on you knowit's, it's a very humanizing
experience and again, we're noton the other side of this saying
that our lives are perfect,because they're not.
There's no such thing, and sowe were very open with our
(18:42):
clients, people in our community, about.
You know the things that westruggle with and and the ways
that we move through and workthrough.
Speaker 1 (18:47):
It's that paradox of vulnerability right, that we're
always so afraid that ourvulnerability is going to repel
people, but it's the opposite.
Speaker 4 (18:54):
It draws us all closer.
Speaker 2 (18:55):
Yeah, there were things that I mean I'm going to
be honest Like there were thingslike when I started doing the
podcast with John that I'dinitially said were off limits,
that I didn't want to talk about, and now you know, same thing
with you know everything else,and now, as we get further into
it, I want to talk about itbecause it liberates.
Yeah, want to talk about itbecause it liberates.
(19:16):
Yeah, it's gonna allow, it'sgonna be the one thing that that
woman's gonna say oh, okay, nowI can really like come out with
it because I know youunderstand.
So the more vulnerable we canall be together and share, I
think you know, the deeper ithelps everyone yeah, it's
interesting even coming on.
Speaker 3 (19:28):
I was so nervous about doing this and I like, I
feel like I've even opened upmore than I thought I would.
Just because it feels it's mytruth right, A truth shared with
people who can hold space forthat.
Speaker 1 (19:47):
No one's repelled by anything that I'm saying or
thinking or feeling,Deliberating right the more we
can own those fragments ofourselves.
It's such a good feeling Now.
That's not to say that we mightnot all have an emotional
hangover, a vulnerabilityhangover, tomorrow.
Right, ask me tomorrow, maybe Imight have a right.
We've said a lot of thingstoday.
Talk a little bit about yourexperience with homeopathy in
(20:13):
this last few weeks.
It's not an easy journey per se, right, like I think.
A lot of times I talk abouthomeopathy like it's so magical
and it is.
It creates movement, right, butmovement can be uncomfortable.
Speaker 3 (20:27):
There's something very intuitive about it, but
there's somethingcounterintuitive.
If you haven't done it before,like I know, when I've asked you
should I dose again?
And you're like, tell me aboutwhat you're going through.
Like when you think of modernmedicine, you think of western
medicine, you take a pill andyou keep taking it till you get
(20:48):
better.
With homeopathy, it's abouttaking a dose and letting that
dose run its course.
And so much came up.
I cried about four times theother day, once before school,
once at lunchtime, once afterlunch.
I cried myself to sleep thatnight.
Speaker 1 (21:09):
I felt like a sponge that had been wrung out and I've
been tired all week.
Speaker 3 (21:12):
The fact that I can doing this at 930 on a Friday
night is and not feel like I'mdepleted is a big deal.
Speaker 1 (21:20):
Yeah, that's what homeopathy does.
It strengthens vital force,right.
It clears out the mess that'sbeen weighing down vital force
and it does it strengthens,strengthens your whole, and then
we navigate everything morerobustly.
It's it's beautiful.
Yeah, we've had a lot of sortof beautiful homeopathy
(21:41):
conversations.
It's one of the things that Ilove about what we do over here,
because right in Westernmedicine there's a prescription,
right, and you take theprescribed.
But me coaching someone throughhomeopathy, and I actually
probably take an even moreunique approach than some other
homeopaths, because somehomeopaths will also give very
prescribed dosing regimen and Iwould much rather teach you how
(22:07):
to be in tune with your energyand when to do something,
because that gives you the powerright To be able to say, to
know, to trust yourself evenmore.
That's what I want for you isto have this deep, abiding trust
and confidence that you knowhow to do it and what to do and
how to take charge, that youcould go to the health food
(22:27):
store and it may be cumbersomebut you could muscle test every
dang remedy on that shelf andyou'd be able to find a match
and you'd know how to water doseand you'd know how to expand
that energy.
If you needed to right, I'dmuch rather teach you to fish.
You know and you are especiallycapable.
Speaker 3 (22:43):
Yeah, it's, it's cool and I want to do more of it.
Um, I mean, I know I also.
I had also asked you.
There was a time when I had a.
So I had also asked you.
There was a time when I had acough.
Speaker 4 (22:56):
before this cough, I had a cold and I asked you about
a remedy.
Speaker 3 (23:02):
I said I was thinking , you know you could get this on
Amazon.
And you said, oh, that's areally good brand, go for it.
I sorted the cough out withindays.
Speaker 1 (23:09):
Oh, it was the tea, the mulling tea.
Speaker 3 (23:12):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
What do you feel like is one thing that you've
learned from doing this workthat you wish that every woman
navigating divorce could hearright now?
Speaker 3 (23:22):
I would say you're worth it.
It starts more like I did.
I've joined the community, Ihave the Loneliest Roadmap, I
have the Poster's DivorceRoadmap.
I know, tiffany, you had saidearlier that body scan is your
go-to.
For a while that's what I justwas doing.
I had, you know, gone back toyou know the course, and I was
(23:45):
like I'm just I'm going to picka five minute thing and I'm
going to do a body scan everynight when I get home from work.
And so I came home for a solidweek and I laid down on my bed
and I did a body scan before Imade dinner and it was good.
It was just very grounding forme.
Speaker 1 (24:01):
Yeah, that's the thing.
Start small, right, If it isstart.
Do you have any questions forus?
Let's turn the tables.
Speaker 3 (24:10):
If that last question , if I were to put it back to
you, what would you say?
Speaker 1 (24:17):
I hear producer joy say all the time you're worth it
.
Speaker 4 (24:18):
I would say this is kind of what I've been
ruminating this week on is likeyou're stronger than you think
you are.
You're more capable than youthink you are because, in those
moments where the kids arecrying and you're by yourself
and the water's leaking, youhave to feel, it's well, like
you can do it.
You can do hard things.
You yes, you're by yourself andthe water's leaking.
You have to feel like you cando it.
You can do hard things.
Yes, you're worth it.
But also that resistance of Idon't want to do it.
Speaker 1 (24:42):
I don't want to have to do it.
It's too hard, you can't do it.
Speaker 4 (24:44):
Yeah, you're stronger than you think you are.
Speaker 1 (24:47):
I think the you're worth it piece.
I have a side take on that likethat is.
The core issue often, I think,is women.
Is we doubt so much our ownpower?
But there's something in thereabout I wish I could have more
women see how they are avoidingthemselves, right like the thing
(25:12):
you're avoiding is nine timesout of 10.
It is the thing you need.
And that even goes down to acouple of months ago.
I had met with Kate one-on-oneand I came out of there really
like it had pulled up a lot ofstuff, and so I was texting
these two and I don't evenremember all the details,
(25:33):
probably because of the time ofstuff.
And so I was texting these twoand I don't even remember all
the details, probably because ofthe time of night, and we've
been talking and thinking somuch.
But and Tiffany was likebasically, like okay, so let's
say it's the worst case scenario.
Oh, it was this idea that I'mthe problem.
Yeah, I was like I can't be theproblem.
I'm fine being a problem, but Ican't be the problem.
(25:54):
And she was like so what ifyou're the problem?
Right, that thing I wasresisting so hard.
I was like I couldn't sit withthis idea that I was the problem
.
And she was like, so what ifyou're the problem?
And I was like, well, thatwould be really liberating.
All right, I'm the problem, andjust accepting that and like,
maybe today I am and maybe todayI'm not, but it's like that
thing that we resist and avoidis the thing we need to move
(26:16):
through.
And I wish that more womenwould have the faith in
themselves that they can movethrough the thing and that it's
worth it.
Right, we get so afraid of theunknown.
Speaker 2 (26:27):
I mean, I think for me it's.
You know the time is now.
You know I'm a perfect exampleof somebody who literally
dissociated and put myself in abubble for a decade, not, you
know, being afraid to havefriendships, not really dating.
You know, focusing so much onraising my daughter and doing
(26:48):
that.
And you know it wasn't until Igot into my next relationship.
That was healthy and it feltscary that I realized I have so
much more work to do andthankfully I have a partner who
is very patient and who is alsois committed to.
You know, my emotional healingLike not everyone's like that.
You know, like I could havesaved a lot of time and headache
(27:11):
if I just would have done thework you know prior to it.
Have saved a lot of time andheadache if I just would have
done the work you know prior toit.
And I, you know, especiallywith EMDR.
You know people had beenrecommending that I do EMDR
since I've been 16 years old andI just never wanted to actually
do it.
And so it's like when youfinally face the thing and then
you have a team of people andthen you have a group of other
(27:33):
women who are going through itwith you and you can say the
scary things out loud and youcan say the vulnerable things
out loud.
There's a lot of healing inthat.
To say you know what today Imight be the effing problem, you
know and you're going to loveme anyway, and it's okay, you
know.
So I think what I would say is,especially as a mom like I was
(27:55):
so conditioned to put mydaughter first above everything
and anything I ever did formyself, felt selfish and wrong
and like I shouldn't be doing it.
And it's really not that way,because it's almost like when
you're regulated, you set thetone for your kids and so you
know when you're feeling atpeace and you're taking that
time for yourself to do the work.
They can see that and theyreceive you so much more.
(28:17):
You know differently and youknow I was a more patient mom, I
was more present, you know,with everybody and yeah, I guess
also because you kind of you'remothering yourself in a new way
, right?
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Yeah, what else you got for us?
Give us one more.
Speaker 3 (28:34):
I'd love to know a little bit more about EMDR.
Speaker 1 (28:43):
So the loneliness roadmap basically is EMDR in a
immersive coaching right Likethat's.
I designed the lonelinessroadmap to teach women how to
use the tools of EMDR at home,at home.
So EMDR really is a combinationof somatics, negative and
positive beliefs and bilateralstimulation, by that meaning two
(29:05):
sided stimulation, right, so wecan use this butterfly tap as
two sided simulation.
The way we initially learnedEMDR is through eye movement,
right when we're doing thistrack.
Track my fingers with your boy.
It's been a long time since Idid EMDR.
It's just sort of fun just todo this, just as a throwback.
I used to do this in office allday long and people would say
doesn't your arm get tired?
I'm doing the Lord's work.
So EMDR takes this sort ofsomatic reactivation of a part
(29:32):
right, like a part of self thathas a burden, and it activates
this old, painful memorysomatically.
What were you feeling, what wasthe smell, what was the sound,
right?
What sensations do you have inyour body?
Where is that held in your body?
What are the negative beliefsyou've internalized associated
with that memory?
Because that's what keeps itstuck?
(29:55):
And then we process bilaterally, whether that's using eye
movement or tapping or tones inthe ear and and what that
bilateral stimulation does, whenthat's all beautifully
activated, is it allows thebrain to start to process
through the memory networks, allthe associated memories.
(30:15):
It's a free association modelwhere you start at this target
point and then you freeassociate as we tap and the mind
just wanders and it's asubconscious driven technique.
So again, that old way of doingtherapy, where the therapist is
the expert and they say I thinkwe need to process blah, blah,
blah, like the subconscious mindis going to show us what needs
(30:35):
to be processed in EMDR.
And eventually you start andyou're touching these painful
memories and it's if you're notcompletely dissociated which I
often was, you know and theyfeel very, very intense and as
you bilaterally simulate it getsless and less and less until it
gets neutral or positive.
And then we go back and we say,okay, what's the positive
(30:55):
belief you'd want to haveassociated with that rather than
the negative belief you've beencarrying around?
And I think that the positiveside of EMDR is way underrated.
And then we go back and we pairthat old painful memory that's
not painful anymore with thispositive belief.
We're almost like you know,people say you can't change the
past, but, like man, we canchange how you remember the past
(31:16):
and what's the difference atthat point, you know.
And then we sort of installthat positive belief and now
we've just sort of primed you toexperience the world in a
totally different way.
We've unburdened the exiledpart, we've created parts,
integration, we've reprocessedthat negative belief, we've
turned it into a positive belief, right.
And if you've done it usinghomeopathy, like, we've been
(31:38):
able to get that much deeper.
If you tend to, I, when I wasin EMDR as a patient, I often
struggled to really connect.
There was so much dissociativeprocess going on for me.
I could get a certain amount ofbenefit, I did get a lot of
benefit from EMDR, but I'vegotten so much more since adding
homeopathy because I've beenable to go so much deeper into
(31:59):
those memories and unlock somany things.
So in the loneliness roadmap Ijust created like a worksheet
right For you to sort of journalthrough, I very early on taught
joy, like, if you can't go toEMDR today, because very often
we're triggered and we need towork through things, not when
we're conveniently sitting inour therapist's office, and so I
(32:19):
, you know when you journal whatyou're feeling, what it feels
like in your body.
Do a body scan right.
Emdr uses a lot of bodyscanning.
Do a body scan right.
What you're feeling, you know.
Butterfly tap, let the mindjust wander with it, as long as
you're welcoming in the feeling,right.
I think the where people gowrong or what I would often
(32:41):
default to, is I was trying todistance myself from the emotion
.
You've got to really lean inand welcome it and support those
parts and then go back tojournaling and then butterfly
tap and journal.
And so that's how I designedthe loneliness roadmap to be
able to sort of lean into andprocess some of that.
Because there's just somethingthe body was designed to heal
itself, right, and so when youbilaterally simulate, it allows
(33:03):
the mind to tap into what theywhoever they are have called the
adaptive information processingsystem in our minds.
So what I've seen anecdotallyin my therapy practice is, let's
say, you've read Mel Robbinsbook let them and you sort of
understand it intellectually,but you can't sort of seem to
get it to integrate or kick inautomatically when you're
(33:27):
actually triggered, right, andit's like and then you're three
hours later and you're like, ah,why didn't I use the let them
theory, right?
What I've seen with EMDR is,once we've processed something
using all that, the elements ofthe technique, then all of a
sudden the let them theory, itjust like the brain is like oh,
you know what we could have donethere, we could have used the
(33:48):
let them theory.
And then that all gets embeddedin the mind, the adaptive
information integrates.
And then the next time you gettriggered it's like that seems
far more on the menu.
It's like available,fascinating.
And then I'll add I'll takethat even up a notch.
A couple of summers ago Imicrodosed psilocybin with a
(34:09):
guide and I had been doing a lotof EMDR work and then all of a
sudden, after that one microdosewith the guide, it was like so
much of what I had done in EMDRfelt like it just like locked in
in just such a more profoundway.
So there are so many ways rightto open the mind and allow it
(34:31):
to be reprogrammed in a way thatit's thriving.
You know, very cool amazing whata beautiful time together,
ladies.
Speaker 3 (34:41):
I just want to say that those three of you are so
awesome and amazing and I'm soglad that I'm seeing you
together now and I want to comesee you, you know.
Speaker 1 (34:52):
Yes, well, you could do that.
Our retreat is at the end ofJune.
Well, you know how to find us.
We're going to look forward tomany more a conversation,
sending you lots of love.
Have sweet dreams tonight, andI don't know.
Thank you for being the bestpart of what we do.
You know, without you, there isno Dear Divorce Diary podcast,
(35:16):
you know, and the connection andthe relationships is why we do
what we do, and I know we'rejust beyond grateful.
All right, love.
Have a beautiful, beautifulevening, reach out if you need
us.
Good night, friends.
Thank you for being here.
Thank you for being here.
Popular Podcasts
Are You A Charlotte?
In 1997, actress Kristin Davis’ life was forever changed when she took on the role of Charlotte York in Sex and the City. As we watched Carrie, Samantha, Miranda and Charlotte navigate relationships in NYC, the show helped push once unacceptable conversation topics out of the shadows and altered the narrative around women and sex. We all saw ourselves in them as they searched for fulfillment in life, sex and friendships. Now, Kristin Davis wants to connect with you, the fans, and share untold stories and all the behind the scenes. Together, with Kristin and special guests, what will begin with Sex and the City will evolve into talks about themes that are still so relevant today. "Are you a Charlotte?" is much more than just rewatching this beloved show, it brings the past and the present together as we talk with heart, humor and of course some optimism.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Follow now to get the latest episodes of Dateline NBC completely free, or subscribe to Dateline Premium for ad-free listening and exclusive bonus content: DatelinePremium.com