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After divorce, we struggle with trusting ourselves and fear repeating past mistakes. Could understanding your Internal Family System be the key to breaking free from those patterns and creating a more secure attachment style?
In our journey through life, especially after navigating the rough seas of divorce, we often find ourselves entangled in patterns we can't fully understand. This episode dives deep into the power of Internal Family Systems (IFS), offering insights on why we make the choices we do and uncovering the internal dialogue we have with ourselves.
In this episode, you will uncover how IFS work can illuminate your dating and relationship patterns, enhance self-awareness to understand and heal trauma, and develop tools for emotional regulation and secure attachment in future relationships.
Join us and discover how IFS can transform your inner dialogue and empower you to live with intention and trust. Tune in now and start your journey to self-discovery and healing!
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On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You swore your marriage wouldn't end up here,
but somehow the samerelationship patterns kept
repeating.
The same emotionalrollercoaster, the same what am
I missing?
Over and over again?
Because part of you is actuallystuck in the past, trying to
protect you from some perceivedthreat.
What if you could meet thatpart, understand it and help it
(00:22):
break free from theserelationship patterns you've
been experiencing?
Today we're diving intointernal family systems, a
mind-blowing approach that couldtransform how you see yourself,
your relationships and yourhealing.
Stay with me.
This episode might just changeeverything.
(00:43):
Hi love, welcome to Dear DivorceDiary, the podcast helping
divorcees go beyond talk therapyto process your grief, find the
healing you crave and buildback your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
(01:04):
confidence after divorce.
Okay, let's talk about parts.
What if I told you that thereare parts of you that sabotage
relationships, overthinkeverything or people please, and
that those parts aren't bad.
(01:25):
They've been working overtimeto protect you, but it's time to
help them shift their strategy?
So in just a few minutes, we'regoing to walk through exactly
how to identify these parts and,more importantly, how to help
them shift from the strategiesthat they've been using.
A little bit later on, we'regoing to talk about that feeling
you get when you scrollInstagram at midnight or numb
(01:47):
out with Netflix or pour theextra glass of wine that you
swore you weren't going to drink, but you sense that something
deeper is going on when allthat's happening.
Well, these aren't just badhabits.
These are actually firefighterparts trying to put out
emotional pain.
And later on in the episode,we're going to talk about how
you can spot these moments andshift them into real healing
(02:09):
instead of self-sabotage.
And then, towards the end, I'mgoing to ask you to imagine this
you walk into a newrelationship or new friendship
or a new job and, instead ofquestioning yourself or falling
into old patterns, you actuallyfeel grounded, confident and
free.
Can you even imagine what thatwould be like?
That's the power of this workusing IFS.
(02:32):
And before we wrap up the endof the session, we're going to
give you a simple but powerfulexercise that will help you
start shifting those patterns.
Today, let's dig in.
Today, let's dig in.
Speaker 3 (02:46):
Welcome back.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
We're going to talk about internal family systems,
which is parts work, right, andI'd love for this to be like a
more round table conversation,like anyone hop in any time
about, because we've all donework with our parts and we've
all had really vulnerable Idon't know things we've
discovered about our minds, andbecause we've all done work with
our parts and we've all hadreally vulnerable I don't know
things we've discovered aboutour minds and things we've
(03:08):
worked through as a team, thingswe've worked through in our
personal lives, right.
And I think, just to prefacethis, so much of what I hear
women talk about as they'rewanting to recover from divorce
is being able to trustthemselves again and not repeat
the same mistakes when they'redating or picking another
(03:30):
partner.
And I think one of the mostpowerful things you can do, the
most powerful things you coulddo, to get clear on your
patterns and why you're makingcertain choices and how you're
reacting or responding tocertain things, is through
internal family systems.
Yeah, this is a theory that wasdeveloped, I think, in the
eighties.
(03:50):
Yes, does that sound about right?
Yes, by a pretty well-known,widely accepted psychologist and
I heard Huberman from Hubermanlab.
I posted this in one in ourchat for our ladies.
This week Huberman had an IFStherapist on his podcast
recently.
So, like IFS theory is it'sgaining popularity, yeah, and so
that's to say right.
(04:11):
It's become pretty widelyaccepted and it does have a lot
of specialty trainings in theworld of therapy and coaching
and whatnot.
And coach Tiffany loves IFS andso we're going to let her kick
this one off.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
Yeah, I'm on fire about it.
I think it was developed by atherapist that started listening
to his clients in session.
Start describing thesedifferent parts of themselves
and the voices that they werehearing in their head.
Not like, not a schizophrenicright?
Speaker 1 (04:38):
No, but like, on the one hand, I want to have the ice
cream sandwich and, on theother hand, I won't let myself
have the ice cream sandwich.
Right, like, as simply as that.
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 3 (04:46):
And so he started to identify that people have
certain parts of themselves, andso the whole preface behind IFS
internal family systems is youcan kind of compare it to the
movie Inside Out.
So there's all of these littlesides of you personalities,
emotions that are presenting,and then, when those big, heavy
emotions start to present, yourmanagers start to come on scene
(05:09):
because they're not comfortablewith you feeling those heavy
emotions, and so this is wherewe develop all of these
beautiful things like being aperfectionist, being a people
pleaser, being able to just kindof shut down, like all of those
things.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
Like be stoic.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
Yeah, yeah, and so what I'm starting to learn about
it is that when somethinghappens in our childhood that
creates a wound and it'sbasically described as any time
that an adult in our life doesnot take responsibility for
their behavior so there was anaction that happened as a child,
the adult did not takeresponsibility, and so we then
(05:43):
took that responsibility on aschildren and internalized it.
It created a part, created anemotion associated with that
part of us that couldn't beprocessed, like the kid.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Because trauma right, a lay definition, like one way
of thinking of trauma is whenthere was too much of something
for too long or not enough ofsomething for too long, right.
So when there's too much ofsomething or not enough and the
kid can't, me, I couldn'tprocess, right.
Then that content, that painfulexperience, becomes a burden
(06:16):
that I dissociate, right, I putit in a box, on a shelf, where
it lives.
Speaker 3 (06:21):
It gets stuck.
So it's like these little partsof ourselves along the way that
have gotten stuck in certaintimes in the past in our lives.
And so what we start finding isthat and you've heard me
describe this on the podcast isthat you know, my dating style
was I always felt like I wasdating, you know, the same
situation.
It was just different.
People Like I can literally layout like a pattern was the same
(06:44):
, oh my God, like it was thesame thing.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
But like insert different.
Speaker 3 (06:48):
Yeah, insert different person.
And so one of my biggest fearsafter divorce was how do I
prevent this from happening tome again?
Why do I keep picking men thatare the same type of guy that I
keep having these triggeringreactions to that, that trigger
me in a way that is just sosevere that it's obviously like
something that's happening.
And so when I started figuringout my own parts work, what I
(07:10):
started figuring out was thatthere were these parts of me
that were still like in thisvery childlike mindset, that
didn't understand that I am nowa 47 year old woman with a
stable life and things arenormal and I'm safe, and so
these, these parts of me don'thave to protect me anymore,
because that's what happensphysiologically with trauma.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
We can we know now from doing brain scans actually
that when we scan the brain ofsomeone who's experienced trauma
it actually changes thestructure of the brain.
We can see dissociation on abrain scan and so what trauma
does is it freezes those partsin time so they're not oriented
(07:54):
to time right, like our partsstill think it's 1989.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (07:59):
I just laughed because I wish I would have done
brain scanning before.
I probably would have lit uplike a Christmas tree, you know,
but honestly like so taking itthrough the journey.
Then I started going a stepfurther and you know, it's like
you have these roles, that kindof start to take over for you,
but then when that doesn't work,then you have the firefighters
start to take over and that'swhen you're severely triggered,
(08:21):
yeah, like when it was too much.
And so you know, pick yourpoison.
Are you binging Netflix?
Are you doom scrolling onInstagram?
Are you disassociating?
Are you drinking?
Are you dealing with it insexually addicting ways, like,
what are you doing to deal withthe pain?
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Because the firefighter's job is to put the
pain down at all costs?
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Yeah, absolutely, because nothing else in the
system is working.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
Right.
So the most extreme version ofa firefighter is like suicidal
thoughts.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
Yeah, yeah.
And then you know what Istarted to learn too is that's
how people develop addictions toalcohol, eating disorders,
because at that point yourfirefighters take over as the
manager and that's just how youlive, because they think that
you have to drink to be able tokeep functional and safe and
prevent the emotion.
So now the alcoholic part isjust going to completely take
over.
And so IFS work is veryinteresting because you walk
(09:10):
through your clients, you know.
You walk them through thesecore memories that are stuck in
the system and the goal of it isto be able to heal those parts
of you.
And it worked beautifully for mebecause I was able to see the
little girl at the stage that Iwas, where the memory was stuck,
and bring her into my life nowand start repairing that and
(09:35):
start repairing that, so thatway my system can say every time
you're in a situation where XYZis going on, it does not mean
that XYZ is going to be theoutcome right.
You know and it has.
I remember when I was goingthrough getting my coaching
certifications neurobiology ohmy God, I'm a huge nerd like all
I wanted to do was study thebrain and I found it fascinating
that you know that's how traumait gets ingrained in these
roadways in your brain and thefact that you could actually
(09:56):
reprogram your roads and youcould reprogram that.
You know the way that yourbrain responds to trauma.
Oh my God, like I wish I wouldhave had it 10, 15 years ago.
Yeah, that neuroplasticitypiece.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Yeah, one of the reasons I love ISF so much is
because it gives you thevocabulary to understand your
body and what's happening andthose parts when they get
activated versus when you're.
You know what I mean.
Like the vocabulary is soimportant to give you permission
to understand your body somemore right.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
How often do we say like I'm not crazy, I'm sensing
this, I'm feeling this orwhatever's happening right, yeah
, but we don't maybe haveawareness, because we haven't
attended to it, that there arethese facets right of what we're
experiencing and a progressionright of triggering like and
that different.
It's so interesting to buildrelationships in the mind's eye
(10:45):
right with these parts of self.
Right because it gives you somuch more capacity I almost said
control, but I take it backCapacity to support a part that
feels out of control Compassionfor yourself, the little girl.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
That was Right.
Speaker 3 (11:01):
Absolutely, and I think it was interesting when
Candice asked earlier you know,how do you come back to yourself
like that?
I mean a huge part of it is IFSwork.
Yeah, it's huge.
It basically starts to repairthe parts of you because, again,
if these parts aren't beingrepaired, you're going to keep
reaching for the same things,the same partners, the same.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
That said, though, I did so much at the time we
weren't calling it IFS, we werecalling it inner child work,
because there's a lot of overlapbetween IFS and inner child
right.
I had done boatloads of innerchild work until homeopathy.
It was very hard for me tounblend parts Right and I think
(11:42):
that there's a piece aboutsomatics in there.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
There's a piece about you know and, and to your point
, I had done a lot of homeopathybefore I did IFS.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
So like it was easier for you to drop into that
process, yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
I was able to drop in , I was able to process and
understand, because that wasclear of the fog Right Um, when
you pair them together, ormultiple different values, you
get a more pure version ofyourself both you know both ways
it's a very interesting combobetween the two and I think it's
important to point out becauseI, you know, have been a
(12:18):
therapist my entire adult lifeand I had done all these
therapies.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
And so to have done all this inner child work, parts
work, you know, when I did mymost advanced DMDR training is
when I first learned about partsand um, I was like sitting in
the training and they weretalking about parts of self and
I was like and there's this,there's this exercise that they
do with coming to a meetingplace, a table, a meeting table,
and I was like, holy crap,they're talking about me, I have
(12:43):
parts and and you can do EMDRwith one part at a time, which
helps create integration,because the goal right is for
these parts to like work as ateam, because all parts are
necessary, all parts areimportant.
Parts were developed as astrategy to cope with what is
not able to be coped with right.
But even with all the EMDR andall the parts work, I still
(13:05):
struggled with certain thingsand um, add homeopathy and boom,
which is a lot of theinspiration for why we do our
program, the way we do yeah,yeah and yeah, and I think
that's that is the reason right,like we can go deeper when we
have all the things.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
So, it's IFS with homeopathy, with somatics, with
quantum healing like all of thatis going to transcend the
experience.
But for me, the IFS piece, itwas just mind blowing.
And you know, I think that itdoes take a while for clients to
get to the point where theyhave the self-awareness to start
making these roadmaps.
But it's interesting becauseyou know, basically it's like,
hey, every time I feel thisoverwhelming sense of isolation,
(13:42):
then I start to people please,because I don't want to be alone
, and then if the people pleasercan't take over, well, then I'm
just going to sit around anddrink, because that's what you
know.
And so you can start to seethat when you start feeling,
yeah, the emotion, the samething starts to happen and I
think, as women, like we don'tslow down enough to pay
attention to our patterns.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
Yes, fair?
Absolutely don't.
But also I do believe thatwe're conditioned to do so.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Especially, you know, especially in the church.
I grew up in a very, veryconservative baptist church and
I, you're, you're basicallytaught to be a wife that keeps
her head down, her mouth shutand her legs open, like that is
your role on this planet, and Ithink that we are.
Our culture keeps women smalland so we are designed to
(14:30):
suppress we're're not designedto suppress, but we are.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
No, we're conditioned to suppress.
Well said Well.
And then the expectation forwomen to work nine to five jobs,
when our hormonal cycles rightDon't absolutely Right.
We are so suppressed as women.
Speaker 3 (14:44):
Yeah, yeah, and I think that's where a lot of
these things get stuck in thesystem.
You know, because again and itstarted manifesting in my
physical body you know, withhealth issues and problems that
I started having, and especially, you know, I'll be honest as a
single parent.
When the hell did I have thetime Right?
You know, when did I have thetime Like?
Yeah, there were nights when Iwould, you know, cry in my
bedroom every once in a while,but for the most part, I'm like
(15:05):
for what?
Like it's not helping, you know, and I just continue pushing
forward.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
I think that what you just said is so important, like
how many women are scrollingTikTok or Instagram and they're
learning about mental health.
But then, when it comes tositting in your room at night,
you're exhausted.
You know you maybe have twojobs and single momming it and
you got to fix the toiletyourself too, and you could cry
(15:31):
and you may write some things inyour journal, but it's like,
but that's not enough.
And then you feel so stuck, sohelpless, hopeless, right and
despairing, like they keepsaying fricking Dawn on the Dear
Divorce Diary keeps saying thiscould be the catalyst for my
greatest life, but it's like no,it's.
This is complicated, yeah.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
Yeah, it is.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
And I think for me, like post-divorce, I was so
afraid of feeling my feelingsthat I just kept going and going
and going, that I was the yesgirl.
Yeah, like I wanted my entireday to be full.
And I don't know how many womenout there I'm sure feel this
way, cause I've talked to themas a single mom.
When your kids go to their dadsfor the weekend, there is this
anxiety like, oh, my God, holyshit, how am I going to fill my
(16:21):
time?
It made me so anxious to justsit about thinking now I love it
, like now I'm like well, likequiet evening at home, give me a
book.
Like I'm very comfortable withmyself.
But I think when women talkabout the loneliness of divorce
again, we just talked about thislast week in one of our emails
You're just lonely for yourself.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Like I miss myself so much.
Speaker 3 (16:37):
Yeah, yeah.
And when it was quiet, thestuff that used to go through my
mind was horrible.
I didn't know how to deal withit.
I didn't want to feel it, Iwanted to push it away, I wanted
to drink it away, I wanted to,whatever it was, you know that's
.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
That's why having a team to heal in is so valuable,
right, because we're notsupposed to feel all that pain
and isolation.
We're supposed to feel it incommunity.
Who was I saying this torecently, was it?
Oh, oh, you remember when y'allcovered me so I could go to
Savannah with my husband for theweekend?
I was sitting in the Airbnb I'mtaking it to the crazy place
now but I was sitting in theAirbnb and I was looking at the
(17:11):
little sign that was like ourwifi password is whatever, right
.
And I was like they have us soseparated by they, right?
I don't know who I'm talkingabout, but like, right, every
little apartment has its ownwifi.
Like, we're so separated.
And then we all have to pay forwifi and we all have to play
for Netflix, and we all have topay the grocery bill and the
water bill and the electric bill.
And then when we get divorced,then who do we have?
(17:35):
We're so separated, and that'spart of why it is so hard for
women truly to recover theirlives, because we are so
isolated in our communities.
Our communities aren'tcommuning anymore in really
vulnerable ways, right.
And then we have our internalfamily system, and our internal
family system isn't communingeither, yeah Right.
And then we have our internalfamily system, and our internal
(17:55):
family system isn't communingeither, yeah Right.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
One part is arguing with how another part is
strategizing this pain, and it'sjust so overwhelming, and then
our nervous systems freeze yeahI mean, most of us live in
neighborhoods where, to behonest, you can literally reach
outside of your window and touchthe house next door, but you
don't know those people, right,you don't know anything about
those people.
I mean, I didn't meet any of myneighbors until the hurricane
happened this year and all weall had were chainsaws, no cell
(18:18):
phone and nothing, no 911services, like we were stuck.
Yes, we are, and I threwsomething together, yeah, and I
know now that if there was evera zombie apocalypse, my
neighbors and I would have ittogether.
We're coming to your house safewith them, yeah, but again,
there is, there's thisdisconnect and I don't know
where in society.
Dissociation.
Well, yeah, I don't know wherethis happened in society, but we
(18:39):
are taught now as women.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Honey, you got to be a hustler, you got to grind, you
got to pull your big girl pantsoff, and that's not how we were
designed and it goes againsteverything that we are.
Yeah, let's talk through.
Um, let's give some examples.
Right, let's talk about likewhen I called you the other day.
So I called you and I'm like inthis, obviously like manager
state, or would you have saidfirefighter?
Speaker 3 (19:02):
No, you're a manager manager state.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
I had probably dipped in and out of firefighter
though, because earlier in theweek I had been isolating right,
which is more of a firefighterstate.
So this was sort of me comingout of firefighter vibes and you
called out that I had beentriggered around belonging, and
so as soon as it started to dawnon me in our conversation that
(19:28):
that's what was happening, I Isat for a moment and then I
waited for a memory to pop in,because that's how IFS works,
right.
And so I had this memory pop infrom high school where I had
had this very traumaticexperience where these kids had
made a bunch of signs and hungsigns all over the school about
(19:49):
me and my girlfriends.
It was mortifying, right.
It was horrible bullying.
And then I sat with that for acouple of days and I worked with
that memory and I worked withthat part of me and.
But that came as a result of ushaving this conversation and
you having the awareness that Iwas in that triggered state.
So that's the power of IFS,right when it's like when we're
feeling uncomfortable in ourbodies but can't put our finger
(20:12):
on it and can't get it to clearand don't know why, right.
So as a result of having thatconversation with you that day,
I was able to integrate partsand clear some things, rather
than just happen to be like I'mtired of feeling like this Let
me take a Klonopin or push pastit or numb it out or run away
from it and just hoping it'llclear eventually and not having
actually done that integrationwork.
Speaker 3 (20:41):
So now, the next time something comes up around
belonging, it'll be lesstriggering.
Yeah, yeah, and that's thething is like every time you
work through a memory on IFSit's like you're starting from a
new point.
Right, you're not starting fromrock bottom.
You know the trigger is notgoing to feel as severe as next
time.
You're going to be able to.
You know, before I used toruminate on my thoughts for days
, like I would be triggered,severely triggered, and it would
take me two to three days tomove back out of it, whereas now
it's maybe 10 minutes, it'smaybe an hour, it just depends.
(21:05):
But it's so much easier thistime because I have the self
awareness to know this is what'shappening, like there's
literally a roadmap to mytriggers.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
So I think that's a really good thing to point out
to women about, like do youqualify right?
Who is IFS for?
Do you qualify for this type ofapproach?
And I think that's a reallygood sign right, Like, if you
have a lot of like reoccurringthoughts that are intrusive and
repetitive, that's a reallystrong sign that you've got some
(21:34):
manager, firefighter vibesgoing on and women stuck in a
loop constantly's a reallystrong sign that you've got some
manager, firefighter vibesgoing on and women stuck in a
loop, constantly in a loop.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
Yeah, I think, and that's what I hear a lot from
our clients.
Yeah, like, basically, you know, every single time I was in the
same setting, I would getseverely triggered.
It didn't matter how much Ifelt good going into it, how
much I'd had to prepare myselffor it.
Every time I got into a socialsetting with alcohol, I just
(22:01):
went hypervigilant, I waswatching everyone's behavior, I
was anticipating the worstthings to happen.
I was this and that and I wouldjust, it would end up the same
thing every time.
I was disassociating.
And I'm like a very socialperson, I'm like super energetic
, I'm like very whatever.
I would be the one in thecorner and I would just be
scared to death, not yourself.
No, oh my God.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
Not yourself.
No, yeah, yeah, in a traumapractice we see lots of people
who say, well, I can't remembermy childhood that well.
So you know, I would say, likehomeopathy loosens that up so
much, right, so that you cansort of follow the body
(22:40):
sensation when we clearly haveparts activated but we can't
remember where it comes from.
Can we just work with the bodysensation?
Speaker 3 (22:45):
yeah, that'd be enough.
Yeah, I think that the bodyremembers.
The body remembers the feelingand the first time that it felt
that way yeah, and so you justtrust that sensation and go with
it.
Yes, and start describing.
And so I work the clientsthrough the senses.
You know, what does it smelllike, what does it feel like,
what were you dressed in, whatyou know, and a lot of times
(23:06):
I'll have clients.
They will talk about the room,they will talk about things
people were wearing and even askids, like they, have these
glimpses, glimpses, yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
But so often people say to me I don't know if I
could trust this memory.
Maybe it was a dream.
And I have found, I think, 10out of 10 times it wasn't a
dream.
Memory is not reliable.
We know that right.
Memory is malleable.
It's what's so beautiful abouttools like IFS and EMDR is we
can literally go andintentionally change how we
remember a thing to ouradvantage.
Yeah, so memory is not reliable,but 10 out of 10 times when
(23:37):
there's a body sensation and atrigger that's not just a random
dream you had like somethinghappened, yeah, yeah.
Are there any examples thateither?
Like you've done some cool IFSstuff also, like any any aha
moments or anything you want toshare about?
Like, oh, these are, these arethe parts that I'm in touch with
or what I've noticed aboutmyself.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
I'm.
I'm the quintessential peoplepleaser and I used to wear it as
a badge of honor, like I'm atwo on the Enneagram.
I'm here to serve and like allthese identities that I had as a
people pleaser.
But when, when I really startedunpacking that with Tiffany's
help, it was, it was more of away to control or cope with a
(24:18):
situation and when someone wasupset at me or or had even had a
like a baseline, veryreasonable conversation and I
would get activated because Ifelt like a bad girl, my
identity was just like inquestion, or or well because I
think from a parts perspective,that is the identity right.
Speaker 1 (24:38):
When we're clicked into that, it is an identity
right and that part doesn't wantto give up any ground unless it
sees a benefit.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
So, being able to identify, being able to feel it
coming like and being able tomanage it now that I have with
the tools that I have in thesemantics and the process, and
being able to manage it now thatI have with the tools that I
have in the semantics and theprocess in the, it's just such a
game changer for my selfacceptance and me being able to
live my authentic self versusthis, you know.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
Yeah, because I think it's important to point out,
right, just because a part hassome traits.
Yeah, like you know, caretakingis can be on the manager list.
Right, because we can oftenshift into caretaker mode as a
way to avoid feeling bigemotions.
But that doesn't mean thatcaretaking is all bad, right.
And so you, as a people pleaser, as a servant, you're somebody,
(25:27):
you're a Sagittarius, like yournature is going to be to want
to serve your community, right,and so I think it's an important
distinction to make that.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
But being able to examine like why am I right?
When and why am I wanting theirapproval or because I'm it's a
pure intention?
Like I do, I want to lookbetter, you know?
I mean, do I want to have thisof sort of having my stuff
together, or or is it because Itruly believe God has laid it on
my heart to go serve?
It's a pure intention versustry to avoid pain?
Speaker 1 (25:58):
Yeah, yeah, like a psychological Tylenol.
I have a great example of whenI was with a client just
recently who did this beautifulparts work in session and then,
like really a first timebreakthrough drop in like
massive shifting Right.
And then at the very end of thesession, first time
breakthrough drop in likemassive shifting Right.
And then at the very end of thesession they very quickly
(26:19):
shifted into are you okay, howare you?
I worry about you when you'reback to back in session, like
that, what can I?
I'm going to give you someminutes back at the right.
And so we wrapped up thesession and I just sent a sweet
text message that was like thatcaretaker part really like
attempted to tuck all thosepainful emotions back in the box
at the end of the session.
There didn't it?
And that's an example of thatright.
Caretaking is a beautiful thing, but it's like understanding
when you're doing it to distancefrom your emotions versus
(26:41):
processing.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
Yeah, yeah.
And we talk a lot about senseof self.
Like women, you know they havea hard time, especially coming
out of divorce, that they don'ttrust themselves.
Oh right, so like there arethese words that we use the
eight C's to describe self, anda lot of it is like are you
coming from a place of calm?
Do you feel connected toyourself?
Do you feel confident?
Because women can say yes, yes,yes, I do.
(27:03):
And that's when you know thatyou're acting in a manager like
state I mean for me, like myhypervigilant and need to
control every single settingaround me.
Like I knew that was my managerand when I was in that mode I
couldn't be creative, I couldn'tbe calm or connected to myself
because I was so damn busylooking at what everybody else
was doing around me.
So, fixing these parts ofyourself and reintegrating,
(27:25):
that's the way that then, whenyou get signals from other
people, you know whether this isgoing to be a good fit or not
for you.
The next time you don't keeppicking those same types of men,
those friends that trash youand talk about you behind your
back.
You know, like Dawn wasmentioning that earlier, for
such a long time in my life Ididn't have female friendships
Like.
(27:45):
I had acquaintances and, yes, Ihad a couple of besties out
there, but people only knew whatI wanted them to know about me.
Like I, there was novulnerability, and without
vulnerability you can't havetrue connection.
And then you feel lonely, yes,and so in the program, the more
vulnerable we can be with eachother.
You know, and we set the example, ladies, when you're in our
(28:06):
program you get a behind thescenes look at all of our stuff,
because it's like we're notsitting on the other side of
this saying, oh, we're perfect,nothing ever, no.
Because life, saying, oh, we'reperfect, nothing ever, no, no,
because life's life, yeah,life's life.
There's always contrast in life.
The difference is when we aretriggered in situations or when
things happen, like Dawn.
She reached out to me and said,hey, I need coached into this
situation, you know, or whatever.
(28:27):
And we reached out, talk, yeah,like, got coach, just were able
to come out of it.
And this is the beautiful thingthat I'm seeing with the women
in our program is that they'rehalfway through it and they're
reaching for the tools and thenthey're coming back to us and
saying, hey, this happened today, but I came out of it so
quickly, and so that's thebeauty of it.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
For me, the goal of this program is emotional
regulation, because life isnever going to be able to be
controlled Well, and a secureattachment style is my goal, but
in a secure attachment stylerequires being able to take care
of those parts of self so thatI can remain in relationship
with myself and then remain inrelationship with you even
though we're having hardconversations or I feel
(29:08):
triggered or I feel threatened.
Right, I can work through thoseparts and I can stay in there
and I can keep my heart open,even in conflict or even when we
don't agree.
And that's a secure attachment.
Right, and that's what allthese tools all mushed together
facilitate.
Right, is emotional regulationa true secure attachment style,
the capacity from a nervoussystem perspective to tolerate
(29:30):
painful emotions?
Yeah, oh, one thing that I justthink probably is a common
example.
I'm wondering if either of yourelate to this.
I know, before EMDR even rightbefore I was EMDR trained or
anything like that Workaholicwas my main firefighter.
Right, I perceived, like always, that the money monster was
(29:51):
chasing me.
Right, and I just work, work,work, work, work was how I
maintain a sense of wellbeing.
Yeah, not really.
And then, when I didn't have towork, I would not be able to
relax.
So like, let's say, it's Sundayand I don't really have to work
(30:13):
, but I couldn't feel at ease atall right, I couldn't shift out
.
Or let's say it was nighttimeand I was going to put Grace to
bed and I couldn't feel at easeputting her down.
I wonder how many moms relate tothat.
And it's because I was stuck ina part right.
There wasn't integration,because the goal is for all of
(30:33):
our parts to work together.
Like God forbid, somethinghappens in life.
You need that workaholic partto call on it for some reason.
But you want to be able to havethis fluidity amongst parts
Right.
And so I can look back on thoseseasons now and see, like man,
the reason I couldn't shift andbe present in those moments was
because I was stuck in a eithera manager part or a firefighter
(30:56):
part.
And so I think to the woman whostruggles to be present,
there's parts activated right.
And for the woman who strugglesto be able to shift into
connection or relaxation orpeace, it's because there's
probably some pretty significantparts activation but there's a
solution, there's a path out.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It took me a long time tofigure out how to be present as
a mom.
You know, and I know a lot ofother moms struggle with it.
You know, because it's suchyou're a box checker and things
need done and bills need paid.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
Oh, I think when you got to pay the bills and parent
your kids and yeah, yeah, likeit's a lot of survival mode.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
So, you know, in those moments when I could
really be present with her, youknow, and tap into myself like
that's really what drove me towant to be able to heal, is
because I knew that the time wasfleeting, you know.
And now here we are and mydaughter's an adult, and so it's
like I look back and I don'thave any regrets about it
because I know that, you know,if I was having a really shitty
day and I came home and all shewanted to do was sit on the
(31:55):
floor with me and play with herBarbies or play with her little
Shopkins or whatever, she healedme too in ways that I didn't
realize, and I think a lot ofwomen are able to, or do, heal
themselves through theirchildren.
On behalf of yes, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
Absolutely Dear.
Divorce Diary is a podcast bymy coach Dawn.
You can find more atmycoachdawncom.
You swore your marriage wouldn't end up here,
but somehow the samerelationship patterns kept
repeating.
The same emotionalrollercoaster, the same what am
I missing?
Over and over again?
Because part of you is actuallystuck in the past, trying to
protect you from some perceivedthreat.
What if you could meet thatpart, understand it and help it
(00:22):
break free from theserelationship patterns you've
been experiencing?
Today we're diving intointernal family systems, a
mind-blowing approach that couldtransform how you see yourself,
your relationships and yourhealing.
Stay with me.
This episode might just changeeverything.
(00:43):
Hi love, welcome to Dear DivorceDiary, the podcast helping
divorcees go beyond talk therapyto process your grief, find the
healing you crave and buildback your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
(01:04):
confidence after divorce.
Okay, let's talk about parts.
What if I told you that thereare parts of you that sabotage
relationships, overthinkeverything or people please, and
that those parts aren't bad.
(01:25):
They've been working overtimeto protect you, but it's time to
help them shift their strategy?
So in just a few minutes, we'regoing to walk through exactly
how to identify these parts and,more importantly, how to help
them shift from the strategiesthat they've been using.
A little bit later on, we'regoing to talk about that feeling
you get when you scrollInstagram at midnight or numb
(01:47):
out with Netflix or pour theextra glass of wine that you
swore you weren't going to drink, but you sense that something
deeper is going on when allthat's happening.
Well, these aren't just badhabits.
These are actually firefighterparts trying to put out
emotional pain.
And later on in the episode,we're going to talk about how
you can spot these moments andshift them into real healing
(02:09):
instead of self-sabotage.
And then, towards the end, I'mgoing to ask you to imagine this
you walk into a newrelationship or new friendship
or a new job and, instead ofquestioning yourself or falling
into old patterns, you actuallyfeel grounded, confident and
free.
Can you even imagine what thatwould be like?
That's the power of this workusing IFS.
(02:32):
And before we wrap up the endof the session, we're going to
give you a simple but powerfulexercise that will help you
start shifting those patterns.
Today, let's dig in.
Today, let's dig in.
Speaker 3 (02:46):
Welcome back.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:47):
We're going to talk about internal family systems,
which is parts work, right, andI'd love for this to be like a
more round table conversation,like anyone hop in any time
about, because we've all donework with our parts and we've
all had really vulnerable Idon't know things we've
discovered about our minds, andbecause we've all done work with
our parts and we've all hadreally vulnerable I don't know
things we've discovered aboutour minds and things we've
(03:08):
worked through as a team, thingswe've worked through in our
personal lives, right.
And I think, just to prefacethis, so much of what I hear
women talk about as they'rewanting to recover from divorce
is being able to trustthemselves again and not repeat
the same mistakes when they'redating or picking another
(03:30):
partner.
And I think one of the mostpowerful things you can do, the
most powerful things you coulddo, to get clear on your
patterns and why you're makingcertain choices and how you're
reacting or responding tocertain things, is through
internal family systems.
Yeah, this is a theory that wasdeveloped, I think, in the
eighties.
(03:50):
Yes, does that sound about right?
Yes, by a pretty well-known,widely accepted psychologist and
I heard Huberman from Hubermanlab.
I posted this in one in ourchat for our ladies.
This week Huberman had an IFStherapist on his podcast
recently.
So, like IFS theory is it'sgaining popularity, yeah, and so
that's to say right.
(04:11):
It's become pretty widelyaccepted and it does have a lot
of specialty trainings in theworld of therapy and coaching
and whatnot.
And coach Tiffany loves IFS andso we're going to let her kick
this one off.
Speaker 3 (04:23):
Yeah, I'm on fire about it.
I think it was developed by atherapist that started listening
to his clients in session.
Start describing thesedifferent parts of themselves
and the voices that they werehearing in their head.
Not like, not a schizophrenicright?
Speaker 1 (04:38):
No, but like, on the one hand, I want to have the ice
cream sandwich and, on theother hand, I won't let myself
have the ice cream sandwich.
Right, like, as simply as that.
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 3 (04:46):
And so he started to identify that people have
certain parts of themselves, andso the whole preface behind IFS
internal family systems is youcan kind of compare it to the
movie Inside Out.
So there's all of these littlesides of you personalities,
emotions that are presenting,and then, when those big, heavy
emotions start to present, yourmanagers start to come on scene
(05:09):
because they're not comfortablewith you feeling those heavy
emotions, and so this is wherewe develop all of these
beautiful things like being aperfectionist, being a people
pleaser, being able to just kindof shut down, like all of those
things.
Speaker 1 (05:21):
Like be stoic.
Speaker 3 (05:21):
Yeah, yeah, and so what I'm starting to learn about
it is that when somethinghappens in our childhood that
creates a wound and it'sbasically described as any time
that an adult in our life doesnot take responsibility for
their behavior so there was anaction that happened as a child,
the adult did not takeresponsibility, and so we then
(05:43):
took that responsibility on aschildren and internalized it.
It created a part, created anemotion associated with that
part of us that couldn't beprocessed, like the kid.
Speaker 1 (05:55):
Because trauma right, a lay definition, like one way
of thinking of trauma is whenthere was too much of something
for too long or not enough ofsomething for too long, right.
So when there's too much ofsomething or not enough and the
kid can't, me, I couldn'tprocess, right.
Then that content, that painfulexperience, becomes a burden
(06:16):
that I dissociate, right, I putit in a box, on a shelf, where
it lives.
Speaker 3 (06:21):
It gets stuck.
So it's like these little partsof ourselves along the way that
have gotten stuck in certaintimes in the past in our lives.
And so what we start finding isthat and you've heard me
describe this on the podcast isthat you know, my dating style
was I always felt like I wasdating, you know, the same
situation.
It was just different.
People Like I can literally layout like a pattern was the same
(06:44):
, oh my God, like it was thesame thing.
Speaker 1 (06:46):
But like insert different.
Speaker 3 (06:48):
Yeah, insert different person.
And so one of my biggest fearsafter divorce was how do I
prevent this from happening tome again?
Why do I keep picking men thatare the same type of guy that I
keep having these triggeringreactions to that, that trigger
me in a way that is just sosevere that it's obviously like
something that's happening.
And so when I started figuringout my own parts work, what I
(07:10):
started figuring out was thatthere were these parts of me
that were still like in thisvery childlike mindset, that
didn't understand that I am nowa 47 year old woman with a
stable life and things arenormal and I'm safe, and so
these, these parts of me don'thave to protect me anymore,
because that's what happensphysiologically with trauma.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
We can we know now from doing brain scans actually
that when we scan the brain ofsomeone who's experienced trauma
it actually changes thestructure of the brain.
We can see dissociation on abrain scan and so what trauma
does is it freezes those partsin time so they're not oriented
(07:54):
to time right, like our partsstill think it's 1989.
Yeah, yeah.
Speaker 3 (07:59):
I just laughed because I wish I would have done
brain scanning before.
I probably would have lit uplike a Christmas tree, you know,
but honestly like so taking itthrough the journey.
Then I started going a stepfurther and you know, it's like
you have these roles, that kindof start to take over for you,
but then when that doesn't work,then you have the firefighters
start to take over and that'swhen you're severely triggered,
(08:21):
yeah, like when it was too much.
And so you know, pick yourpoison.
Are you binging Netflix?
Are you doom scrolling onInstagram?
Are you disassociating?
Are you drinking?
Are you dealing with it insexually addicting ways, like,
what are you doing to deal withthe pain?
Speaker 1 (08:36):
Because the firefighter's job is to put the
pain down at all costs?
Speaker 3 (08:39):
Yeah, absolutely, because nothing else in the
system is working.
Speaker 1 (08:41):
Right.
So the most extreme version ofa firefighter is like suicidal
thoughts.
Speaker 3 (08:45):
Yeah, yeah.
And then you know what Istarted to learn too is that's
how people develop addictions toalcohol, eating disorders,
because at that point yourfirefighters take over as the
manager and that's just how youlive, because they think that
you have to drink to be able tokeep functional and safe and
prevent the emotion.
So now the alcoholic part isjust going to completely take
over.
And so IFS work is veryinteresting because you walk
(09:10):
through your clients, you know.
You walk them through thesecore memories that are stuck in
the system and the goal of it isto be able to heal those parts
of you.
And it worked beautifully for mebecause I was able to see the
little girl at the stage that Iwas, where the memory was stuck,
and bring her into my life nowand start repairing that and
(09:35):
start repairing that, so thatway my system can say every time
you're in a situation where XYZis going on, it does not mean
that XYZ is going to be theoutcome right.
You know and it has.
I remember when I was goingthrough getting my coaching
certifications neurobiology ohmy God, I'm a huge nerd like all
I wanted to do was study thebrain and I found it fascinating
that you know that's how traumait gets ingrained in these
roadways in your brain and thefact that you could actually
(09:56):
reprogram your roads and youcould reprogram that.
You know the way that yourbrain responds to trauma.
Oh my God, like I wish I wouldhave had it 10, 15 years ago.
Yeah, that neuroplasticitypiece.
Speaker 2 (10:07):
Yeah, one of the reasons I love ISF so much is
because it gives you thevocabulary to understand your
body and what's happening andthose parts when they get
activated versus when you're.
You know what I mean.
Like the vocabulary is soimportant to give you permission
to understand your body somemore right.
Speaker 1 (10:24):
How often do we say like I'm not crazy, I'm sensing
this, I'm feeling this orwhatever's happening right, yeah
, but we don't maybe haveawareness, because we haven't
attended to it, that there arethese facets right of what we're
experiencing and a progressionright of triggering like and
that different.
It's so interesting to buildrelationships in the mind's eye
(10:45):
right with these parts of self.
Right because it gives you somuch more capacity I almost said
control, but I take it backCapacity to support a part that
feels out of control Compassionfor yourself, the little girl.
Speaker 2 (10:59):
That was Right.
Speaker 3 (11:01):
Absolutely, and I think it was interesting when
Candice asked earlier you know,how do you come back to yourself
like that?
I mean a huge part of it is IFSwork.
Yeah, it's huge.
It basically starts to repairthe parts of you because, again,
if these parts aren't beingrepaired, you're going to keep
reaching for the same things,the same partners, the same.
Speaker 1 (11:21):
That said, though, I did so much at the time we
weren't calling it IFS, we werecalling it inner child work,
because there's a lot of overlapbetween IFS and inner child
right.
I had done boatloads of innerchild work until homeopathy.
It was very hard for me tounblend parts Right and I think
(11:42):
that there's a piece aboutsomatics in there.
Speaker 2 (11:44):
There's a piece about you know and, and to your point
, I had done a lot of homeopathybefore I did IFS.
Speaker 1 (11:51):
So like it was easier for you to drop into that
process, yeah.
Speaker 2 (11:56):
I was able to drop in , I was able to process and
understand, because that wasclear of the fog Right Um, when
you pair them together, ormultiple different values, you
get a more pure version ofyourself both you know both ways
it's a very interesting combobetween the two and I think it's
important to point out becauseI, you know, have been a
(12:18):
therapist my entire adult lifeand I had done all these
therapies.
Speaker 1 (12:22):
And so to have done all this inner child work, parts
work, you know, when I did mymost advanced DMDR training is
when I first learned about partsand um, I was like sitting in
the training and they weretalking about parts of self and
I was like and there's this,there's this exercise that they
do with coming to a meetingplace, a table, a meeting table,
and I was like, holy crap,they're talking about me, I have
(12:43):
parts and and you can do EMDRwith one part at a time, which
helps create integration,because the goal right is for
these parts to like work as ateam, because all parts are
necessary, all parts areimportant.
Parts were developed as astrategy to cope with what is
not able to be coped with right.
But even with all the EMDR andall the parts work, I still
(13:05):
struggled with certain thingsand um, add homeopathy and boom,
which is a lot of theinspiration for why we do our
program, the way we do yeah,yeah and yeah, and I think
that's that is the reason right,like we can go deeper when we
have all the things.
Speaker 3 (13:19):
So, it's IFS with homeopathy, with somatics, with
quantum healing like all of thatis going to transcend the
experience.
But for me, the IFS piece, itwas just mind blowing.
And you know, I think that itdoes take a while for clients to
get to the point where theyhave the self-awareness to start
making these roadmaps.
But it's interesting becauseyou know, basically it's like,
hey, every time I feel thisoverwhelming sense of isolation,
(13:42):
then I start to people please,because I don't want to be alone
, and then if the people pleasercan't take over, well, then I'm
just going to sit around anddrink, because that's what you
know.
And so you can start to seethat when you start feeling,
yeah, the emotion, the samething starts to happen and I
think, as women, like we don'tslow down enough to pay
attention to our patterns.
Speaker 2 (14:03):
Yes, fair?
Absolutely don't.
But also I do believe thatwe're conditioned to do so.
Speaker 1 (14:08):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:08):
Especially, you know, especially in the church.
I grew up in a very, veryconservative baptist church and
I, you're, you're basicallytaught to be a wife that keeps
her head down, her mouth shutand her legs open, like that is
your role on this planet, and Ithink that we are.
Our culture keeps women smalland so we are designed to
(14:30):
suppress we're're not designedto suppress, but we are.
Speaker 1 (14:33):
No, we're conditioned to suppress.
Well said Well.
And then the expectation forwomen to work nine to five jobs,
when our hormonal cycles rightDon't absolutely Right.
We are so suppressed as women.
Speaker 3 (14:44):
Yeah, yeah, and I think that's where a lot of
these things get stuck in thesystem.
You know, because again and itstarted manifesting in my
physical body you know, withhealth issues and problems that
I started having, and especially, you know, I'll be honest as a
single parent.
When the hell did I have thetime Right?
You know, when did I have thetime Like?
Yeah, there were nights when Iwould, you know, cry in my
bedroom every once in a while,but for the most part, I'm like
(15:05):
for what?
Like it's not helping, you know, and I just continue pushing
forward.
Speaker 1 (15:11):
I think that what you just said is so important, like
how many women are scrollingTikTok or Instagram and they're
learning about mental health.
But then, when it comes tositting in your room at night,
you're exhausted.
You know you maybe have twojobs and single momming it and
you got to fix the toiletyourself too, and you could cry
(15:31):
and you may write some things inyour journal, but it's like,
but that's not enough.
And then you feel so stuck, sohelpless, hopeless, right and
despairing, like they keepsaying fricking Dawn on the Dear
Divorce Diary keeps saying thiscould be the catalyst for my
greatest life, but it's like no,it's.
This is complicated, yeah.
Speaker 3 (15:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:53):
Yeah, it is.
Speaker 3 (15:55):
And I think for me, like post-divorce, I was so
afraid of feeling my feelingsthat I just kept going and going
and going, that I was the yesgirl.
Yeah, like I wanted my entireday to be full.
And I don't know how many womenout there I'm sure feel this
way, cause I've talked to themas a single mom.
When your kids go to their dadsfor the weekend, there is this
anxiety like, oh, my God, holyshit, how am I going to fill my
(16:21):
time?
It made me so anxious to justsit about thinking now I love it
, like now I'm like well, likequiet evening at home, give me a
book.
Like I'm very comfortable withmyself.
But I think when women talkabout the loneliness of divorce
again, we just talked about thislast week in one of our emails
You're just lonely for yourself.
Speaker 1 (16:36):
Like I miss myself so much.
Speaker 3 (16:37):
Yeah, yeah.
And when it was quiet, thestuff that used to go through my
mind was horrible.
I didn't know how to deal withit.
I didn't want to feel it, Iwanted to push it away, I wanted
to drink it away, I wanted to,whatever it was, you know that's
.
Speaker 1 (16:50):
That's why having a team to heal in is so valuable,
right, because we're notsupposed to feel all that pain
and isolation.
We're supposed to feel it incommunity.
Who was I saying this torecently, was it?
Oh, oh, you remember when y'allcovered me so I could go to
Savannah with my husband for theweekend?
I was sitting in the Airbnb I'mtaking it to the crazy place
now but I was sitting in theAirbnb and I was looking at the
(17:11):
little sign that was like ourwifi password is whatever, right
.
And I was like they have us soseparated by they, right?
I don't know who I'm talkingabout, but like, right, every
little apartment has its ownwifi.
Like, we're so separated.
And then we all have to pay forwifi and we all have to play
for Netflix, and we all have topay the grocery bill and the
water bill and the electric bill.
And then when we get divorced,then who do we have?
(17:35):
We're so separated, and that'spart of why it is so hard for
women truly to recover theirlives, because we are so
isolated in our communities.
Our communities aren'tcommuning anymore in really
vulnerable ways, right.
And then we have our internalfamily system, and our internal
family system isn't communingeither, yeah Right.
And then we have our internalfamily system, and our internal
(17:55):
family system isn't communingeither, yeah Right.
Speaker 3 (17:57):
One part is arguing with how another part is
strategizing this pain, and it'sjust so overwhelming, and then
our nervous systems freeze yeahI mean, most of us live in
neighborhoods where, to behonest, you can literally reach
outside of your window and touchthe house next door, but you
don't know those people, right,you don't know anything about
those people.
I mean, I didn't meet any of myneighbors until the hurricane
happened this year and all weall had were chainsaws, no cell
(18:18):
phone and nothing, no 911services, like we were stuck.
Yes, we are, and I threwsomething together, yeah, and I
know now that if there was evera zombie apocalypse, my
neighbors and I would have ittogether.
We're coming to your house safewith them, yeah, but again,
there is, there's thisdisconnect and I don't know
where in society.
Dissociation.
Well, yeah, I don't know wherethis happened in society, but we
(18:39):
are taught now as women.
Speaker 1 (18:40):
Honey, you got to be a hustler, you got to grind, you
got to pull your big girl pantsoff, and that's not how we were
designed and it goes againsteverything that we are.
Yeah, let's talk through.
Um, let's give some examples.
Right, let's talk about likewhen I called you the other day.
So I called you and I'm like inthis, obviously like manager
state, or would you have saidfirefighter?
Speaker 3 (19:02):
No, you're a manager manager state.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
I had probably dipped in and out of firefighter
though, because earlier in theweek I had been isolating right,
which is more of a firefighterstate.
So this was sort of me comingout of firefighter vibes and you
called out that I had beentriggered around belonging, and
so as soon as it started to dawnon me in our conversation that
(19:28):
that's what was happening, I Isat for a moment and then I
waited for a memory to pop in,because that's how IFS works,
right.
And so I had this memory pop infrom high school where I had
had this very traumaticexperience where these kids had
made a bunch of signs and hungsigns all over the school about
(19:49):
me and my girlfriends.
It was mortifying, right.
It was horrible bullying.
And then I sat with that for acouple of days and I worked with
that memory and I worked withthat part of me and.
But that came as a result of ushaving this conversation and
you having the awareness that Iwas in that triggered state.
So that's the power of IFS,right when it's like when we're
feeling uncomfortable in ourbodies but can't put our finger
(20:12):
on it and can't get it to clearand don't know why, right.
So as a result of having thatconversation with you that day,
I was able to integrate partsand clear some things, rather
than just happen to be like I'mtired of feeling like this Let
me take a Klonopin or push pastit or numb it out or run away
from it and just hoping it'llclear eventually and not having
actually done that integrationwork.
Speaker 3 (20:41):
So now, the next time something comes up around
belonging, it'll be lesstriggering.
Yeah, yeah, and that's thething is like every time you
work through a memory on IFSit's like you're starting from a
new point.
Right, you're not starting fromrock bottom.
You know the trigger is notgoing to feel as severe as next
time.
You're going to be able to.
You know, before I used toruminate on my thoughts for days
, like I would be triggered,severely triggered, and it would
take me two to three days tomove back out of it, whereas now
it's maybe 10 minutes, it'smaybe an hour, it just depends.
(21:05):
But it's so much easier thistime because I have the self
awareness to know this is what'shappening, like there's
literally a roadmap to mytriggers.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
So I think that's a really good thing to point out
to women about, like do youqualify right?
Who is IFS for?
Do you qualify for this type ofapproach?
And I think that's a reallygood sign right, Like, if you
have a lot of like reoccurringthoughts that are intrusive and
repetitive, that's a reallystrong sign that you've got some
(21:34):
manager, firefighter vibesgoing on and women stuck in a
loop constantly's a reallystrong sign that you've got some
manager, firefighter vibesgoing on and women stuck in a
loop, constantly in a loop.
Speaker 3 (21:39):
Yeah, I think, and that's what I hear a lot from
our clients.
Yeah, like, basically, you know, every single time I was in the
same setting, I would getseverely triggered.
It didn't matter how much Ifelt good going into it, how
much I'd had to prepare myselffor it.
Every time I got into a socialsetting with alcohol, I just
(22:01):
went hypervigilant, I waswatching everyone's behavior, I
was anticipating the worstthings to happen.
I was this and that and I wouldjust, it would end up the same
thing every time.
I was disassociating.
And I'm like a very socialperson, I'm like super energetic
, I'm like very whatever.
I would be the one in thecorner and I would just be
scared to death, not yourself.
No, oh my God.
Speaker 1 (22:19):
Not yourself.
No, yeah, yeah, in a traumapractice we see lots of people
who say, well, I can't remembermy childhood that well.
So you know, I would say, likehomeopathy loosens that up so
much, right, so that you cansort of follow the body
(22:40):
sensation when we clearly haveparts activated but we can't
remember where it comes from.
Can we just work with the bodysensation?
Speaker 3 (22:45):
yeah, that'd be enough.
Yeah, I think that the bodyremembers.
The body remembers the feelingand the first time that it felt
that way yeah, and so you justtrust that sensation and go with
it.
Yes, and start describing.
And so I work the clientsthrough the senses.
You know, what does it smelllike, what does it feel like,
what were you dressed in, whatyou know, and a lot of times
(23:06):
I'll have clients.
They will talk about the room,they will talk about things
people were wearing and even askids, like they, have these
glimpses, glimpses, yeah.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
But so often people say to me I don't know if I
could trust this memory.
Maybe it was a dream.
And I have found, I think, 10out of 10 times it wasn't a
dream.
Memory is not reliable.
We know that right.
Memory is malleable.
It's what's so beautiful abouttools like IFS and EMDR is we
can literally go andintentionally change how we
remember a thing to ouradvantage.
Yeah, so memory is not reliable,but 10 out of 10 times when
(23:37):
there's a body sensation and atrigger that's not just a random
dream you had like somethinghappened, yeah, yeah.
Are there any examples thateither?
Like you've done some cool IFSstuff also, like any any aha
moments or anything you want toshare about?
Like, oh, these are, these arethe parts that I'm in touch with
or what I've noticed aboutmyself.
Speaker 2 (23:58):
I'm.
I'm the quintessential peoplepleaser and I used to wear it as
a badge of honor, like I'm atwo on the Enneagram.
I'm here to serve and like allthese identities that I had as a
people pleaser.
But when, when I really startedunpacking that with Tiffany's
help, it was, it was more of away to control or cope with a
(24:18):
situation and when someone wasupset at me or or had even had a
like a baseline, veryreasonable conversation and I
would get activated because Ifelt like a bad girl, my
identity was just like inquestion, or or well because I
think from a parts perspective,that is the identity right.
Speaker 1 (24:38):
When we're clicked into that, it is an identity
right and that part doesn't wantto give up any ground unless it
sees a benefit.
Speaker 2 (24:45):
So, being able to identify, being able to feel it
coming like and being able tomanage it now that I have with
the tools that I have in thesemantics and the process, and
being able to manage it now thatI have with the tools that I
have in the semantics and theprocess in the, it's just such a
game changer for my selfacceptance and me being able to
live my authentic self versusthis, you know.
Speaker 1 (25:06):
Yeah, because I think it's important to point out,
right, just because a part hassome traits.
Yeah, like you know, caretakingis can be on the manager list.
Right, because we can oftenshift into caretaker mode as a
way to avoid feeling bigemotions.
But that doesn't mean thatcaretaking is all bad, right.
And so you, as a people pleaser, as a servant, you're somebody,
(25:27):
you're a Sagittarius, like yournature is going to be to want
to serve your community, right,and so I think it's an important
distinction to make that.
Speaker 2 (25:37):
But being able to examine like why am I right?
When and why am I wanting theirapproval or because I'm it's a
pure intention?
Like I do, I want to lookbetter, you know?
I mean, do I want to have thisof sort of having my stuff
together, or or is it because Itruly believe God has laid it on
my heart to go serve?
It's a pure intention versustry to avoid pain?
Speaker 1 (25:58):
Yeah, yeah, like a psychological Tylenol.
I have a great example of whenI was with a client just
recently who did this beautifulparts work in session and then,
like really a first timebreakthrough drop in like
massive shifting Right.
And then at the very end of thesession, first time
breakthrough drop in likemassive shifting Right.
And then at the very end of thesession they very quickly
(26:19):
shifted into are you okay, howare you?
I worry about you when you'reback to back in session, like
that, what can I?
I'm going to give you someminutes back at the right.
And so we wrapped up thesession and I just sent a sweet
text message that was like thatcaretaker part really like
attempted to tuck all thosepainful emotions back in the box
at the end of the session.
There didn't it?
And that's an example of thatright.
Caretaking is a beautiful thing, but it's like understanding
when you're doing it to distancefrom your emotions versus
(26:41):
processing.
Speaker 3 (26:42):
Yeah, yeah.
And we talk a lot about senseof self.
Like women, you know they havea hard time, especially coming
out of divorce, that they don'ttrust themselves.
Oh right, so like there arethese words that we use the
eight C's to describe self, anda lot of it is like are you
coming from a place of calm?
Do you feel connected toyourself?
Do you feel confident?
Because women can say yes, yes,yes, I do.
(27:03):
And that's when you know thatyou're acting in a manager like
state I mean for me, like myhypervigilant and need to
control every single settingaround me.
Like I knew that was my managerand when I was in that mode I
couldn't be creative, I couldn'tbe calm or connected to myself
because I was so damn busylooking at what everybody else
was doing around me.
So, fixing these parts ofyourself and reintegrating,
(27:25):
that's the way that then, whenyou get signals from other
people, you know whether this isgoing to be a good fit or not
for you.
The next time you don't keeppicking those same types of men,
those friends that trash youand talk about you behind your
back.
You know, like Dawn wasmentioning that earlier, for
such a long time in my life Ididn't have female friendships
Like.
(27:45):
I had acquaintances and, yes, Ihad a couple of besties out
there, but people only knew whatI wanted them to know about me.
Like I, there was novulnerability, and without
vulnerability you can't havetrue connection.
And then you feel lonely, yes,and so in the program, the more
vulnerable we can be with eachother.
You know, and we set the example, ladies, when you're in our
(28:06):
program you get a behind thescenes look at all of our stuff,
because it's like we're notsitting on the other side of
this saying, oh, we're perfect,nothing ever, no.
Because life, saying, oh, we'reperfect, nothing ever, no, no,
because life's life, yeah,life's life.
There's always contrast in life.
The difference is when we aretriggered in situations or when
things happen, like Dawn.
She reached out to me and said,hey, I need coached into this
situation, you know, or whatever.
(28:27):
And we reached out, talk, yeah,like, got coach, just were able
to come out of it.
And this is the beautiful thingthat I'm seeing with the women
in our program is that they'rehalfway through it and they're
reaching for the tools and thenthey're coming back to us and
saying, hey, this happened today, but I came out of it so
quickly, and so that's thebeauty of it.
Speaker 1 (28:46):
For me, the goal of this program is emotional
regulation, because life isnever going to be able to be
controlled Well, and a secureattachment style is my goal, but
in a secure attachment stylerequires being able to take care
of those parts of self so thatI can remain in relationship
with myself and then remain inrelationship with you even
though we're having hardconversations or I feel
(29:08):
triggered or I feel threatened.
Right, I can work through thoseparts and I can stay in there
and I can keep my heart open,even in conflict or even when we
don't agree.
And that's a secure attachment.
Right, and that's what allthese tools all mushed together
facilitate.
Right, is emotional regulationa true secure attachment style,
the capacity from a nervoussystem perspective to tolerate
(29:30):
painful emotions?
Yeah, oh, one thing that I justthink probably is a common
example.
I'm wondering if either of yourelate to this.
I know, before EMDR even rightbefore I was EMDR trained or
anything like that Workaholicwas my main firefighter.
Right, I perceived, like always, that the money monster was
(29:51):
chasing me.
Right, and I just work, work,work, work, work was how I
maintain a sense of wellbeing.
Yeah, not really.
And then, when I didn't have towork, I would not be able to
relax.
So like, let's say, it's Sundayand I don't really have to work
(30:13):
, but I couldn't feel at ease atall right, I couldn't shift out
.
Or let's say it was nighttimeand I was going to put Grace to
bed and I couldn't feel at easeputting her down.
I wonder how many moms relate tothat.
And it's because I was stuck ina part right.
There wasn't integration,because the goal is for all of
(30:33):
our parts to work together.
Like God forbid, somethinghappens in life.
You need that workaholic partto call on it for some reason.
But you want to be able to havethis fluidity amongst parts
Right.
And so I can look back on thoseseasons now and see, like man,
the reason I couldn't shift andbe present in those moments was
because I was stuck in a eithera manager part or a firefighter
(30:56):
part.
And so I think to the woman whostruggles to be present,
there's parts activated right.
And for the woman who strugglesto be able to shift into
connection or relaxation orpeace, it's because there's
probably some pretty significantparts activation but there's a
solution, there's a path out.
Speaker 3 (31:15):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It took me a long time tofigure out how to be present as
a mom.
You know, and I know a lot ofother moms struggle with it.
You know, because it's suchyou're a box checker and things
need done and bills need paid.
Speaker 1 (31:28):
Oh, I think when you got to pay the bills and parent
your kids and yeah, yeah, likeit's a lot of survival mode.
Speaker 3 (31:33):
So, you know, in those moments when I could
really be present with her, youknow, and tap into myself like
that's really what drove me towant to be able to heal, is
because I knew that the time wasfleeting, you know.
And now here we are and mydaughter's an adult, and so it's
like I look back and I don'thave any regrets about it
because I know that, you know,if I was having a really shitty
day and I came home and all shewanted to do was sit on the
(31:55):
floor with me and play with herBarbies or play with her little
Shopkins or whatever, she healedme too in ways that I didn't
realize, and I think a lot ofwomen are able to, or do, heal
themselves through theirchildren.
On behalf of yes, absolutely.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
Absolutely Dear.
Divorce Diary is a podcast bymy coach Dawn.
You can find more atmycoachdawncom.
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