April 1, 2025 • 23 mins
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Is this little-understood element of trauma the thing that is holding you back from Genuine Healing Post-Divorce?
Watch the clip of Mel Robbins & Gabor Mate HERE
After a divorce, many struggle to break free from toxic patterns, unconsciously repeating cycles despite their best efforts.
This episode:
- dives deep into the unseen forces birthed from childhood emotional neglect that silently dictate adult relationships.
- It explores how unmet childhood needs shape attachment styles, cultivates scarcity mindsets, and struggle with self-abandonment tendencies.
- Plus, it emphasizes the immense value of translating viral insights into real, personal transformation.
If you're ready to confront these hidden wounds and transform your journey of healing, tune in to uncover the new, empowering approaches to reshape your life post-divorce.
Post Divorce Roadmap - 21 Days of Guided Journaling
Join The list for A Different D Word, our personalized healing program.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dawnwiggins/
On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
But why do we keep falling into the same toxic
internal patterns, despite ourbest efforts, after divorce?
In a recent viral Instagramclip with Dr Gabor Mate and Mel
Robbins, he reveals a startlingtruth.
It's not just the traumas weremember Women aren't connecting
the dots that the vitalemotional support they never
(00:22):
received before their traumasleft the deepest scars and they
silently sabotage your adultrelationships.
In this episode, we uncoverthese unseen forces and chart a
path to genuine healing.
Hi love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
(00:45):
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
(01:16):
Okay, if you haven't seen thisviral Instagram clip yet, I have
linked it right here in theshow notes.
It takes you straight to myInstagram so you can watch Mel
Robbins and Dr Gabor Monte havethis conversation.
It is very short, it hits veryquick and very deep and you will
feel it in your body.
And then come right back hereso that we can unpack first
things first the deep impact ofa lack of intimacy, or something
(01:38):
we may call benign emotionalneglect I hate that phrase, but
in childhood right, becausegrowing up without feeling
emotionally safe or trulyconnected can be as damaging as
overt abuse and the emotionalneglect or lack of intimacy.
It plants seeds of unworthinessand fear, which leads to trust
issues and that relentlesssearch for validation that
(01:59):
you're struggling with.
And so connecting the dots tothe invisible wounds is an
essential step towards breakingfree from the destructive cycles
.
I will share examples of howI've seen this play out in
women's lives over and overagain in my private practice.
Then we're going to talk aboutthe silent saboteur, how the
unmet childhood needs disruptour attachment styles and
(02:21):
actually create the scarcitymindset we tend to struggle with
right.
So it's discussing this ideathat healing from what we didn't
experience or receive love,validation, security is actually
uniquely challenging to treat,because those voids morph into
insecure attachment styles,making us clingy or emotionally
distant.
They breed scarcity mindset,convincing us that get this love
(02:44):
, support or solutions arelimited resources.
Do you ever feel like solutionsthemselves are limited
resources, which then leads usto desperation and poor choices
in our relationships?
So I will talk about the ways Iwatch women struggle to access
a sense of abundance when itfeels like file not found in
your subconscious mind.
And then, finally, we're goingto talk about the difference
(03:07):
between viral insights onInstagram and actual personal
transformation, because I thinkwe get really excited about a
viral awareness, but then it'slike how do we actually
implement the solution?
So, if you've seen the GaborMonte clip, the insights
resonate deeply.
They shed light on patternsyou've long struggled to
understand.
But now that you're aware ofthe issue, do you love know how
(03:31):
to address it?
Do you know if your currentefforts truly break the cycle or
if they, you know, willultimately find you slipping
back into familiar, unfulfillingdynamics?
So at the end of the episode,we're going to explore the old
way of addressing these patternsversus the new way.
Let's dig in.
(03:55):
So I want to go on record heresaying like we're not unpacking
all of this to blame or shameanyone, not your parents and the
way they parented you, and notyou if you're a parent today.
There's no room for blame orshame here.
There is only room to make thethings that have previously been
in our subconscious mindconscious, so that we can shift
(04:16):
the pattern, because the bulk ofwhere we live our life, from
the patterns from which we areacting on a daily basis, all day
, all day is from a subconsciousplace.
So that is the purpose of thisconversation not to blame or
shame you or anyone else.
Now, over and over again in myprivate practice, when doing
(04:37):
EMDR therapy, somatic work,using homeopathy you name it
treating dissociation all of thethings that we struggle with
when we're trying to rehab ourattachment style is that we have
these single incidence traumasright, like a divorce or
somebody left, or an accident oran assault or a whatever.
(04:57):
Right when we remembersomething horribly painful
happening.
But the thing that actuallycaused more damage that has to
be rehabbed is the lack ofsafety, security or relationship
intimacy with the parents,their lack of capacity to
support us through that thing orto have gone deep enough in a
(05:18):
relationship with us prior tothe thing in order to prevent
the thing from even becoming atrauma of the thing, in order to
prevent the thing from evenbecoming a trauma.
And so very, very oftentherapists themselves struggle
to treat attachment style andpeople struggle to recover from
these particular points that DrGabor Mate made, because it's
(05:39):
more about what didn't happen inyour childhood than what did,
and I see so many people in myprivate practice, comparing
their traumas and saying I justdidn't have that horrible thing
that happened to Becky.
I didn't I, who am I to saythat I have an attachment style
or keep struggling withrelationships like what?
I don't have these things topoint to and that's part of the
(06:00):
problem, right, because you dohave these things to point to,
this lack of intimacy, this lackof?
Did you feel safe to talk toyour parents about anything Like
anything?
Did you feel truly connected inyour childhood relationships,
friendships, social groups,community groups?
Did you feel safe to go to yourparents about the most
vulnerable experiences to dowith friendships, sex, body
(06:25):
image?
I didn't go to my parents aboutany of this and maybe I'm the
far extreme version, but Ididn't feel safe to go ask
questions about sex or my bodyor you know.
I, straight up and down, waslike afraid, because I knew I
was going to be given an answerfrom the Bible and not an actual
like sort of sensitive, youknow, compassionate response.
(06:50):
And let's talk for a moment thepoint Gabramonte makes that very
many of us as children in thegood girl era, right, we were
actually trying to protect ourparents, we were trying to
protect ourselves by not beingvulnerable, but we were actually
trying to protect our parentsbecause we sensed their
overwhelm, right, and by beinggood girls or however we showed
up, right, we were protectingthem, and that's sort of the
(07:10):
reverse intention of a parentalrelationship, right, and so,
thank God, all of this ishealable, but that urge to
protect them or to protectyourself is an issue.
And then he describes how that,actually that tendency for us
to protect our parents ratherthan feeling deeply protected,
(07:31):
is actually what makes usvulnerable to experiencing
traumas in the first place.
Right, because predators cansense, and that can include your
ex.
Your ex can be said predator,right, can sense, and maybe they
are, maybe they aren't.
I'm not trying to take it tothe dramatic, crazy place here,
but people can sense when we areself-abandoning.
(07:51):
People can energetically sensewhen we are self-abandoning, and
so when we look at this earlychildhood tendency to
self-abandon that is thescarcity from which you know, I
see most women really strugglingto recover from, and I see it
over and over again in mypractice where, when I'm in
(08:14):
there with EMDR actuallytreating the capital T traumas,
that then there will be thissensitive moment that pops in
somewhere in their memorynetworks where either a
caregiver denied that the badthing happened, or didn't
(08:35):
support them when they revealedit, or shamed them or avoided it
or told them that it was theirfault or like any host of things
right.
But inevitably I've seen itover and over again when
treating these things that it'sactually how the parent
responded, or didn't respond.
That is the more complex thingto recover from.
So where do we go from here?
(08:56):
Because this is the roadmapright for scarcity mindset, for
attachment style problems, forthis sort of desperation for
external validation or adifficulty feeling like we don't
have to abandon ourselves whenwe're parenting or when we're
(09:17):
dating or when we're even justin social circles or on the
internet, like we need to, youknow, curate how we present
ourselves and not be authentic.
This is the birthplace ofcodependency and all of these
issues that have become suchpopular conversations, which I'm
so, so grateful for.
(09:38):
But the really interesting thingthat I watch women struggle
with is how do you teach someoneto have in a mindset or a
perspective of self that theycannot find because it didn't
happen in their childhood right?
A lack of sufficient support ora lack of sufficient intimacy
(10:03):
or a lack of sufficient problemsolving in your childhood right
If it felt like there was notenough resource, even if it was,
even if there was enough moneyor even if there was enough fun
or enough.
You know experiences.
Maybe you had lots of coolexperiences in childhood but
where it came to those emotionalpieces there was like not
enough of something right, notenough protection.
Those emotional pieces therewas like not enough of something
right, not enough protection,not enough seeing you for who
(10:27):
you are.
Whatever the not enoughness isright, how do you help women
really experience enoughnesswhen they can't remember feeling
enoughness?
That's the issue that I thinkmost people run into when
they're trying to rehabilitatean attachment style.
(10:48):
And this is why it's actuallyeasier for women who have
children to rehab theirattachment style than for women
who have not had children yet.
Because when you have had achild, there's just this thing,
this thing that happens in youramygdala and in your heart to do
with bonding and connection.
That often I don't want to sayit always happens, because it
(11:10):
doesn't always happen, becausesometimes there are some
neurobiological factors thatinterrupt it happening right.
But for many women who have hadchildren it can be somewhat
easier for them to rehab theirattachment style because there's
been this sort of bondingexperience, this capacity to
give love, and so that doesn'talways mean that it's easier for
women to receive lovethemselves or to see themselves
(11:34):
through loving eyes, but whenyou've had a child and you can
see your child through lovingeyes, often I can help women
transfer those loving eyes thatthey have towards their child,
towards themselves.
Now, it's still a process andit's very, very challenging, and
the habit to self-abandon onceyou've become a mother is even
greater, I believe.
Right, so it's like, all right,mothers have an easier time in
(11:56):
one way and have a harder timein another way, right, in
another way, right.
But this is sort of the silentsaboteur, if you will right.
It's like I keep inviting youinto this abundance mindset,
this law of attraction as a tool, this trusting the universe,
this not abandoning yourself,seeing yourself as pure magic,
the way I see you.
(12:17):
But if you cannot rememberfeeling that, how do you get
there?
And multiple women in this lastweek you know, because we're
enrolling our program currentlyand we've been having these
beautiful conversations with somany women multiple women have
told me that this is where theystruggle, that they have done a
lot of really good work intherapy.
They've maybe done EMDR andthey've done some somatic work
(12:39):
and they've faced a lot ofreally, really hard things
somatic work and they've faced alot of really, really hard
things but there are still thesetendencies that it falls apart
in dating relationships, or,gosh, one really amazing woman
said it feels like when shetackled dissociation and got
honest with herself about someof these traumas, it feels like
she took the car apart reallysuccessfully, right the old way,
but then can't figure out howto put the car back together.
(13:02):
And I think that falls in linewith what we're saying here.
It's like how do you buildsomething you've never seen or
felt or experienced before?
Like, do you ever watch GreatBritish Bake Off?
And they have to do that onemiddle challenge where all they
get is like some directions on apage but they've never seen the
thing and there's no actualrecipe, right, I feel like
that's the thing we're talkingabout here, and so I've seen a
(13:23):
lot of women bump up againstsome real limiting beliefs that
they are really dug into.
And it's because there's notthis early childhood remedy I
mean memory of abundance andsolutions and enoughness, and
you know for them to know how torebuild the car or bake the
dish, and so that is real.
(13:47):
And then you know you get aviral clip like Gabor and Mel
Robbins I mean, we're allobsessed with Mel Robbins.
Lately, right, we've beenreading in our program with the
women that we're currentlyworking with Mel's book.
Let them and how many of thewomen, right, we've really had
to work through, well, how do welet them?
(14:07):
And then let me like, inpractice, right, so we get
really excited about viral clipslike this, we get really
excited about Mel's book, butthen I watch in real time women
struggle to implement, andthat's where my heart really
goes out to you, because thenyou start to lose hope and faith
that true healing is evenpossible.
(14:28):
So let's talk about this sortof last piece, right, the old
way and the new way.
You've heard of Mel's book.
You've heard of Gabor Monte.
Maybe you've read some of hiswork and you have done all this
really good therapy, but thereis still this stuck stuff and,
(14:49):
as far as you know, you aredoing really good work to break
the cycle, to be aware of thesethings.
You're listening to thispodcast.
You are doing everything youknow to do to connect the dots,
these insights.
They resonate deeply.
You're so grateful for them.
It feels like it's unlockingentire rooms in your mind that
you never knew were even thereand that in and of itself feels
(15:10):
like a relief.
But now what?
The old way of healing fromthese things right is find a
really good therapist whounderstands somatics or EMDR,
brain spotting or whatever it isright, and do some really good
work there.
Get very excited about theprogress.
It may take years, right, butyou will make really cool
(15:34):
progress.
Afterwards you will start torealize that you still struggle
with dissociation periodically.
You still have dissociativeparts in terms of internal
family systems, parts work whichwe've been talking about that
have been very hard to reachright Because you can do really
good work with those parts thatare on top.
But then very often the reasondissociation persists, even
(15:56):
after doing really good somatics, even after doing really good
EMDR, is because you havepre-verbal parts, pre-picture
memory parts, or you have partsthat are so buried in
dissociation that EMDR can'treach them.
And so then after a period oftime you realize shit, I still
am doing dopamine-seekingbehavior, I still am doing
(16:19):
needing validation behavior orI'm still doing avoidance
behavior.
How's about that?
Right?
You know what I mean when I sayavoidance behavior.
That text message comes in andyou have a body sensation.
And you have a body sensationbecause you've done good work
and so you've connected the dotsRight, that you have a body
sensation.
But then you can't sit with it,right, and it takes you hours
(16:39):
or days to circle back to thattext message because somewhere
in there a part got triggeredright.
And so, when it comes to healingfrom divorce, this stuff comes
up.
When you're dealing withparenting issues, when you're
dealing with co-parenting issues, when you're dealing with
watching your ex's new partnerdo X, y or Z I have tea to spill
(17:02):
about my ex-husband's ex-wife.
I cannot believe I buried thelead this late in the podcast
you will have to tune in nextweek.
I don't know when we're goingto drop that, but we have spoken
.
There's that Okay.
But so these avoidancebehaviors right, they come up
with your co-parenting.
They come up with yourfamilyparenting.
They come up with your family.
(17:22):
They come up.
When you start dating, theycome up.
You know, when you gettriggered by your own children,
like they come up in so manyplaces, right, that's
dissociation, those aredissociated parts that are
coming up.
And so the old way is you doEMDR, you do your best work.
You get really excited, but younotice down the road still have
dissociation, you still havedissociative parts, you're still
doing avoidance behavior,you're still craving validation,
(17:43):
you're still seeking dopamineand you feel really frustrated
and like it's not fair that itshould be this hard because it's
freaking hard, it's too hard.
Okay, that's the old way.
The new way is you start tounderstand understand what
frequency and vibration have todo with your healing journey.
You take personalizedhomeopathic remedies because
(18:09):
that's energy medicine thatunlocks the deepest energetic
patterns inside of you.
So homeopathy the reason I willdie on this cell every day is
because it can reach thosedissociative parts that EMDR
cannot.
It will unlock the dissociativeparts that somatics cannot and
(18:30):
it will fundamentally shiftthose pieces, bringing those
patterns directly up to thesurface, so that then, when you
do EMDR, ifs, somatics, youbuild new pathways faster.
Homeopathic remedies willdisengage the hypothalamic,
pituitary, adrenal access damagethat has been done from decades
of trauma.
Has anybody ever told you youhad adrenal fatigue or you
(18:51):
struggled with dissociation, oryou have a tendency towards
anxiety or towards panic?
That's because.
Do you have hair loss?
Do you have problems withweight gain or weight loss?
Do you have menopausal?
Are you in early menopause.
Do you know how many women cometo me recovering from divorce
and they're in early menopausebecause their HPA access has
(19:12):
been so dysfunctional because ofdecades of these dissociated
patterns?
Emdr cannot solve that for you,but homeopathy plus EMDR plus
somatics can solve that for you.
So the new way is you takepersonalized remedies and then
you, from that unlockedenergetic place, understand how
(19:32):
frequency works and how to movefrequency in your body.
Now the law of attraction isflowing inside of you.
Now, when you use all thosestrategies, you know this is
happening for you, not to you.
Now, when you're reallyunderstanding what I'm saying,
you have to tip up on thevibrational scale that feels
available to you because thosedissociative parts are within
your reach.
And now you are present anddissociation has gone away and
(19:55):
now the pattern's on the surfaceand you can shift them.
And all the books you've readand all the podcasts you've
listened to, now it feels withinyour grasp to move.
Because before it was buried toofar, because it wasn't the car
accident, the fall on your bike,your parents getting divorced,
the sexual assault it wasn'tthat event that caused all these
(20:17):
problems.
It was these pre-seven yearsold things that are so
dissociated it is hard to evenpinpoint File not found.
That's what homeopathy unlocksand then gives you access to
everything else.
And so if you've beenstruggling, feeling like it is
too hard, and you've been doingit the old way and you've been
thinking about joining ourprogram and you have told
(20:39):
yourself there is some reasonour program is not a fit, it's
too expensive, it's too hard,it's too much of a commitment,
it takes too long.
That's because to actuallytreat the things successfully
that Gabor Mate talks about, itis a complex, layered issue that
most therapists cannot treat.
Most therapists can touch it,can nudge, it, can impact it to
(21:01):
an extent, but cannot resolve.
And so, love, if something todayresonated deeply inside of you,
this is your sign right, it isthe last couple of days before
doors close to a different Dword Our fundamental,
comprehensive program attreating the thing that Gabor
and Mel are discussing.
And it is exciting the idea ofwhat we can shift with you using
(21:26):
these tools.
It is why we are so hell-benton understanding how to move
energy in this program.
It's why we do it completelydifferently, because we
understand the shift between theold way and the new way.
If you are ready for the newway if you are ready to push the
easy button.
That doesn't mean it's easy,because it's still hard, right,
but it is a hundred times easierthan the old way.
(21:47):
Goes deeper, more effective,faster new pathways.
Like if you are ready to pushthe easy button, scroll down
into the show notes where itsays join the list Different D
word right.
There's a link at the top ofthe show notes where it says
join the list different d wordright there's.
There's a link at the top ofthe show notes and there's
another link at the bottom ofthe show notes.
Either one will take you to thesame place.
Fill out the brief form, signup today.
(22:08):
Coach Tiffany and I will reachout to you and we will get it
going.
Don't abandon yourself one moretime.
I love you so much.
Peace, dear Divorce Diary is apodcast by my coach, john.
(22:34):
You can find more atmycoachjohncom.
But why do we keep falling into the same toxic
internal patterns, despite ourbest efforts, after divorce?
In a recent viral Instagramclip with Dr Gabor Mate and Mel
Robbins, he reveals a startlingtruth.
It's not just the traumas weremember Women aren't connecting
the dots that the vitalemotional support they never
(00:22):
received before their traumasleft the deepest scars and they
silently sabotage your adultrelationships.
In this episode, we uncoverthese unseen forces and chart a
path to genuine healing.
Hi love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
(00:45):
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
(01:16):
Okay, if you haven't seen thisviral Instagram clip yet, I have
linked it right here in theshow notes.
It takes you straight to myInstagram so you can watch Mel
Robbins and Dr Gabor Monte havethis conversation.
It is very short, it hits veryquick and very deep and you will
feel it in your body.
And then come right back hereso that we can unpack first
things first the deep impact ofa lack of intimacy, or something
(01:38):
we may call benign emotionalneglect I hate that phrase, but
in childhood right, becausegrowing up without feeling
emotionally safe or trulyconnected can be as damaging as
overt abuse and the emotionalneglect or lack of intimacy.
It plants seeds of unworthinessand fear, which leads to trust
issues and that relentlesssearch for validation that
(01:59):
you're struggling with.
And so connecting the dots tothe invisible wounds is an
essential step towards breakingfree from the destructive cycles
.
I will share examples of howI've seen this play out in
women's lives over and overagain in my private practice.
Then we're going to talk aboutthe silent saboteur, how the
unmet childhood needs disruptour attachment styles and
(02:21):
actually create the scarcitymindset we tend to struggle with
right.
So it's discussing this ideathat healing from what we didn't
experience or receive love,validation, security is actually
uniquely challenging to treat,because those voids morph into
insecure attachment styles,making us clingy or emotionally
distant.
They breed scarcity mindset,convincing us that get this love
(02:44):
, support or solutions arelimited resources.
Do you ever feel like solutionsthemselves are limited
resources, which then leads usto desperation and poor choices
in our relationships?
So I will talk about the ways Iwatch women struggle to access
a sense of abundance when itfeels like file not found in
your subconscious mind.
And then, finally, we're goingto talk about the difference
(03:07):
between viral insights onInstagram and actual personal
transformation, because I thinkwe get really excited about a
viral awareness, but then it'slike how do we actually
implement the solution?
So, if you've seen the GaborMonte clip, the insights
resonate deeply.
They shed light on patternsyou've long struggled to
understand.
But now that you're aware ofthe issue, do you love know how
(03:31):
to address it?
Do you know if your currentefforts truly break the cycle or
if they, you know, willultimately find you slipping
back into familiar, unfulfillingdynamics?
So at the end of the episode,we're going to explore the old
way of addressing these patternsversus the new way.
Let's dig in.
(03:55):
So I want to go on record heresaying like we're not unpacking
all of this to blame or shameanyone, not your parents and the
way they parented you, and notyou if you're a parent today.
There's no room for blame orshame here.
There is only room to make thethings that have previously been
in our subconscious mindconscious, so that we can shift
(04:16):
the pattern, because the bulk ofwhere we live our life, from
the patterns from which we areacting on a daily basis, all day
, all day is from a subconsciousplace.
So that is the purpose of thisconversation not to blame or
shame you or anyone else.
Now, over and over again in myprivate practice, when doing
(04:37):
EMDR therapy, somatic work,using homeopathy you name it
treating dissociation all of thethings that we struggle with
when we're trying to rehab ourattachment style is that we have
these single incidence traumasright, like a divorce or
somebody left, or an accident oran assault or a whatever.
(04:57):
Right when we remembersomething horribly painful
happening.
But the thing that actuallycaused more damage that has to
be rehabbed is the lack ofsafety, security or relationship
intimacy with the parents,their lack of capacity to
support us through that thing orto have gone deep enough in a
(05:18):
relationship with us prior tothe thing in order to prevent
the thing from even becoming atrauma of the thing, in order to
prevent the thing from evenbecoming a trauma.
And so very, very oftentherapists themselves struggle
to treat attachment style andpeople struggle to recover from
these particular points that DrGabor Mate made, because it's
(05:39):
more about what didn't happen inyour childhood than what did,
and I see so many people in myprivate practice, comparing
their traumas and saying I justdidn't have that horrible thing
that happened to Becky.
I didn't I, who am I to saythat I have an attachment style
or keep struggling withrelationships like what?
I don't have these things topoint to and that's part of the
(06:00):
problem, right, because you dohave these things to point to,
this lack of intimacy, this lackof?
Did you feel safe to talk toyour parents about anything Like
anything?
Did you feel truly connected inyour childhood relationships,
friendships, social groups,community groups?
Did you feel safe to go to yourparents about the most
vulnerable experiences to dowith friendships, sex, body
(06:25):
image?
I didn't go to my parents aboutany of this and maybe I'm the
far extreme version, but Ididn't feel safe to go ask
questions about sex or my bodyor you know.
I, straight up and down, waslike afraid, because I knew I
was going to be given an answerfrom the Bible and not an actual
like sort of sensitive, youknow, compassionate response.
(06:50):
And let's talk for a moment thepoint Gabramonte makes that very
many of us as children in thegood girl era, right, we were
actually trying to protect ourparents, we were trying to
protect ourselves by not beingvulnerable, but we were actually
trying to protect our parentsbecause we sensed their
overwhelm, right, and by beinggood girls or however we showed
up, right, we were protectingthem, and that's sort of the
(07:10):
reverse intention of a parentalrelationship, right, and so,
thank God, all of this ishealable, but that urge to
protect them or to protectyourself is an issue.
And then he describes how that,actually that tendency for us
to protect our parents ratherthan feeling deeply protected,
(07:31):
is actually what makes usvulnerable to experiencing
traumas in the first place.
Right, because predators cansense, and that can include your
ex.
Your ex can be said predator,right, can sense, and maybe they
are, maybe they aren't.
I'm not trying to take it tothe dramatic, crazy place here,
but people can sense when we areself-abandoning.
(07:51):
People can energetically sensewhen we are self-abandoning, and
so when we look at this earlychildhood tendency to
self-abandon that is thescarcity from which you know, I
see most women really strugglingto recover from, and I see it
over and over again in mypractice where, when I'm in
(08:14):
there with EMDR actuallytreating the capital T traumas,
that then there will be thissensitive moment that pops in
somewhere in their memorynetworks where either a
caregiver denied that the badthing happened, or didn't
(08:35):
support them when they revealedit, or shamed them or avoided it
or told them that it was theirfault or like any host of things
right.
But inevitably I've seen itover and over again when
treating these things that it'sactually how the parent
responded, or didn't respond.
That is the more complex thingto recover from.
So where do we go from here?
(08:56):
Because this is the roadmapright for scarcity mindset, for
attachment style problems, forthis sort of desperation for
external validation or adifficulty feeling like we don't
have to abandon ourselves whenwe're parenting or when we're
(09:17):
dating or when we're even justin social circles or on the
internet, like we need to, youknow, curate how we present
ourselves and not be authentic.
This is the birthplace ofcodependency and all of these
issues that have become suchpopular conversations, which I'm
so, so grateful for.
(09:38):
But the really interesting thingthat I watch women struggle
with is how do you teach someoneto have in a mindset or a
perspective of self that theycannot find because it didn't
happen in their childhood right?
A lack of sufficient support ora lack of sufficient intimacy
(10:03):
or a lack of sufficient problemsolving in your childhood right
If it felt like there was notenough resource, even if it was,
even if there was enough moneyor even if there was enough fun
or enough.
You know experiences.
Maybe you had lots of coolexperiences in childhood but
where it came to those emotionalpieces there was like not
enough of something right, notenough protection.
Those emotional pieces therewas like not enough of something
right, not enough protection,not enough seeing you for who
(10:27):
you are.
Whatever the not enoughness isright, how do you help women
really experience enoughnesswhen they can't remember feeling
enoughness?
That's the issue that I thinkmost people run into when
they're trying to rehabilitatean attachment style.
(10:48):
And this is why it's actuallyeasier for women who have
children to rehab theirattachment style than for women
who have not had children yet.
Because when you have had achild, there's just this thing,
this thing that happens in youramygdala and in your heart to do
with bonding and connection.
That often I don't want to sayit always happens, because it
(11:10):
doesn't always happen, becausesometimes there are some
neurobiological factors thatinterrupt it happening right.
But for many women who have hadchildren it can be somewhat
easier for them to rehab theirattachment style because there's
been this sort of bondingexperience, this capacity to
give love, and so that doesn'talways mean that it's easier for
women to receive lovethemselves or to see themselves
(11:34):
through loving eyes, but whenyou've had a child and you can
see your child through lovingeyes, often I can help women
transfer those loving eyes thatthey have towards their child,
towards themselves.
Now, it's still a process andit's very, very challenging, and
the habit to self-abandon onceyou've become a mother is even
greater, I believe.
Right, so it's like, all right,mothers have an easier time in
(11:56):
one way and have a harder timein another way, right, in
another way, right.
But this is sort of the silentsaboteur, if you will right.
It's like I keep inviting youinto this abundance mindset,
this law of attraction as a tool, this trusting the universe,
this not abandoning yourself,seeing yourself as pure magic,
the way I see you.
(12:17):
But if you cannot rememberfeeling that, how do you get
there?
And multiple women in this lastweek you know, because we're
enrolling our program currentlyand we've been having these
beautiful conversations with somany women multiple women have
told me that this is where theystruggle, that they have done a
lot of really good work intherapy.
They've maybe done EMDR andthey've done some somatic work
(12:39):
and they've faced a lot ofreally, really hard things
somatic work and they've faced alot of really, really hard
things but there are still thesetendencies that it falls apart
in dating relationships, or,gosh, one really amazing woman
said it feels like when shetackled dissociation and got
honest with herself about someof these traumas, it feels like
she took the car apart reallysuccessfully, right the old way,
but then can't figure out howto put the car back together.
(13:02):
And I think that falls in linewith what we're saying here.
It's like how do you buildsomething you've never seen or
felt or experienced before?
Like, do you ever watch GreatBritish Bake Off?
And they have to do that onemiddle challenge where all they
get is like some directions on apage but they've never seen the
thing and there's no actualrecipe, right, I feel like
that's the thing we're talkingabout here, and so I've seen a
(13:23):
lot of women bump up againstsome real limiting beliefs that
they are really dug into.
And it's because there's notthis early childhood remedy I
mean memory of abundance andsolutions and enoughness, and
you know for them to know how torebuild the car or bake the
dish, and so that is real.
(13:47):
And then you know you get aviral clip like Gabor and Mel
Robbins I mean, we're allobsessed with Mel Robbins.
Lately, right, we've beenreading in our program with the
women that we're currentlyworking with Mel's book.
Let them and how many of thewomen, right, we've really had
to work through, well, how do welet them?
(14:07):
And then let me like, inpractice, right, so we get
really excited about viral clipslike this, we get really
excited about Mel's book, butthen I watch in real time women
struggle to implement, andthat's where my heart really
goes out to you, because thenyou start to lose hope and faith
that true healing is evenpossible.
(14:28):
So let's talk about this sortof last piece, right, the old
way and the new way.
You've heard of Mel's book.
You've heard of Gabor Monte.
Maybe you've read some of hiswork and you have done all this
really good therapy, but thereis still this stuck stuff and,
(14:49):
as far as you know, you aredoing really good work to break
the cycle, to be aware of thesethings.
You're listening to thispodcast.
You are doing everything youknow to do to connect the dots,
these insights.
They resonate deeply.
You're so grateful for them.
It feels like it's unlockingentire rooms in your mind that
you never knew were even thereand that in and of itself feels
(15:10):
like a relief.
But now what?
The old way of healing fromthese things right is find a
really good therapist whounderstands somatics or EMDR,
brain spotting or whatever it isright, and do some really good
work there.
Get very excited about theprogress.
It may take years, right, butyou will make really cool
(15:34):
progress.
Afterwards you will start torealize that you still struggle
with dissociation periodically.
You still have dissociativeparts in terms of internal
family systems, parts work whichwe've been talking about that
have been very hard to reachright Because you can do really
good work with those parts thatare on top.
But then very often the reasondissociation persists, even
(15:56):
after doing really good somatics, even after doing really good
EMDR, is because you havepre-verbal parts, pre-picture
memory parts, or you have partsthat are so buried in
dissociation that EMDR can'treach them.
And so then after a period oftime you realize shit, I still
am doing dopamine-seekingbehavior, I still am doing
(16:19):
needing validation behavior orI'm still doing avoidance
behavior.
How's about that?
Right?
You know what I mean when I sayavoidance behavior.
That text message comes in andyou have a body sensation.
And you have a body sensationbecause you've done good work
and so you've connected the dotsRight, that you have a body
sensation.
But then you can't sit with it,right, and it takes you hours
(16:39):
or days to circle back to thattext message because somewhere
in there a part got triggeredright.
And so, when it comes to healingfrom divorce, this stuff comes
up.
When you're dealing withparenting issues, when you're
dealing with co-parenting issues, when you're dealing with
watching your ex's new partnerdo X, y or Z I have tea to spill
(17:02):
about my ex-husband's ex-wife.
I cannot believe I buried thelead this late in the podcast
you will have to tune in nextweek.
I don't know when we're goingto drop that, but we have spoken
.
There's that Okay.
But so these avoidancebehaviors right, they come up
with your co-parenting.
They come up with yourfamilyparenting.
They come up with your family.
(17:22):
They come up.
When you start dating, theycome up.
You know, when you gettriggered by your own children,
like they come up in so manyplaces, right, that's
dissociation, those aredissociated parts that are
coming up.
And so the old way is you doEMDR, you do your best work.
You get really excited, but younotice down the road still have
dissociation, you still havedissociative parts, you're still
doing avoidance behavior,you're still craving validation,
(17:43):
you're still seeking dopamineand you feel really frustrated
and like it's not fair that itshould be this hard because it's
freaking hard, it's too hard.
Okay, that's the old way.
The new way is you start tounderstand understand what
frequency and vibration have todo with your healing journey.
You take personalizedhomeopathic remedies because
(18:09):
that's energy medicine thatunlocks the deepest energetic
patterns inside of you.
So homeopathy the reason I willdie on this cell every day is
because it can reach thosedissociative parts that EMDR
cannot.
It will unlock the dissociativeparts that somatics cannot and
(18:30):
it will fundamentally shiftthose pieces, bringing those
patterns directly up to thesurface, so that then, when you
do EMDR, ifs, somatics, youbuild new pathways faster.
Homeopathic remedies willdisengage the hypothalamic,
pituitary, adrenal access damagethat has been done from decades
of trauma.
Has anybody ever told you youhad adrenal fatigue or you
(18:51):
struggled with dissociation, oryou have a tendency towards
anxiety or towards panic?
That's because.
Do you have hair loss?
Do you have problems withweight gain or weight loss?
Do you have menopausal?
Are you in early menopause.
Do you know how many women cometo me recovering from divorce
and they're in early menopausebecause their HPA access has
(19:12):
been so dysfunctional because ofdecades of these dissociated
patterns?
Emdr cannot solve that for you,but homeopathy plus EMDR plus
somatics can solve that for you.
So the new way is you takepersonalized remedies and then
you, from that unlockedenergetic place, understand how
(19:32):
frequency works and how to movefrequency in your body.
Now the law of attraction isflowing inside of you.
Now, when you use all thosestrategies, you know this is
happening for you, not to you.
Now, when you're reallyunderstanding what I'm saying,
you have to tip up on thevibrational scale that feels
available to you because thosedissociative parts are within
your reach.
And now you are present anddissociation has gone away and
(19:55):
now the pattern's on the surfaceand you can shift them.
And all the books you've readand all the podcasts you've
listened to, now it feels withinyour grasp to move.
Because before it was buried toofar, because it wasn't the car
accident, the fall on your bike,your parents getting divorced,
the sexual assault it wasn'tthat event that caused all these
(20:17):
problems.
It was these pre-seven yearsold things that are so
dissociated it is hard to evenpinpoint File not found.
That's what homeopathy unlocksand then gives you access to
everything else.
And so if you've beenstruggling, feeling like it is
too hard, and you've been doingit the old way and you've been
thinking about joining ourprogram and you have told
(20:39):
yourself there is some reasonour program is not a fit, it's
too expensive, it's too hard,it's too much of a commitment,
it takes too long.
That's because to actuallytreat the things successfully
that Gabor Mate talks about, itis a complex, layered issue that
most therapists cannot treat.
Most therapists can touch it,can nudge, it, can impact it to
(21:01):
an extent, but cannot resolve.
And so, love, if something todayresonated deeply inside of you,
this is your sign right, it isthe last couple of days before
doors close to a different Dword Our fundamental,
comprehensive program attreating the thing that Gabor
and Mel are discussing.
And it is exciting the idea ofwhat we can shift with you using
(21:26):
these tools.
It is why we are so hell-benton understanding how to move
energy in this program.
It's why we do it completelydifferently, because we
understand the shift between theold way and the new way.
If you are ready for the newway if you are ready to push the
easy button.
That doesn't mean it's easy,because it's still hard, right,
but it is a hundred times easierthan the old way.
(21:47):
Goes deeper, more effective,faster new pathways.
Like if you are ready to pushthe easy button, scroll down
into the show notes where itsays join the list Different D
word right.
There's a link at the top ofthe show notes where it says
join the list different d wordright there's.
There's a link at the top ofthe show notes and there's
another link at the bottom ofthe show notes.
Either one will take you to thesame place.
Fill out the brief form, signup today.
(22:08):
Coach Tiffany and I will reachout to you and we will get it
going.
Don't abandon yourself one moretime.
I love you so much.
Peace, dear Divorce Diary is apodcast by my coach, john.
(22:34):
You can find more atmycoachjohncom.
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