April 15, 2025 • 33 mins
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Feeling like you don't belong during a divorce can be just as awkward and isolating as being in middle school, and if we’re being honest, it can be downright damaging. This podcast episode tackles that uncomfortable truth head-on with Coach Tiffini, exploring the real reasons behind this longing for acceptance and the amazing transformation waiting just around the corner.
Discover the uncanny parallels between middle school experiences and divorce that impact how we navigate social situations. Learn the skill necessary for breaking free from chronic feelings of not belonging. Understand that true healing comes from embracing vulnerability with others.
Dive into this episode now and uncover the insights needed to transform your divorce recovery journey into one filled with belonging and connection. Listen to the full episode to find out how to move from feeling isolated to being part of a supportive community.
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A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
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Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:00):
I know you have a secret actually three secrets
and I'm going to walk youthrough today, with the help of
Coach Tiffany, how those secretsare contributing to how safe or
unsafe you feel in your divorcerecovery journey.
Hi, love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
(00:25):
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
Welcome back, coach Tiffany.
(01:01):
Hi, so we've been chittychatting about how common it is
for women to struggle withfeeling like they don't belong
and all the ways that that comesout in social situations and in
our relationships andfriendships, and all the shit
when we're walking the path ofdivorce.
And wow, there's some juicystuff here, eh, yeah, and cringy
, cringy, cringy stuff, yeah.
And we've been talking abouthow this has been a main feature
(01:23):
.
We've been working with ourwomen in our group coaching
program a different D word, thisissue of not belonging, and how
it comes up socially.
So today you and I are going tounpack for our lovely listeners
these three kind of main issues, right?
Number one the similaritiesbetween middle school and
(01:44):
divorce.
I hear you have a middle schooldance story to share with us.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Oh God, it's so cringy.
Yes, Okay.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Yeah, and then we're also going to sort of like, get
into the weeds about how thisnot belonging thing ends up
being developed and then how wereinforce it for ourselves.
Right, we're going to get inthe nitty gritty about what's
happening inside of us, thatthis we keep struggling as women
with this I don't belong, crap.
Then we're going to get to theonly thing that you and I know
(02:16):
from personal and professionalexperience that will help our
listeners break the cycle offeeling like they don't belong.
It is truly the one and onlyand it's this well-researched,
well-documented core thing thatall women must do if they want
to break the cycle of feelinglike they don't belong.
Yeah, all right, let's do it.
So.
Middle school and divorce.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
So my worst experience, or one of them, was
it was our first middle schooldance and you know I wore a
skirt and it was the prettiestskirt and I was so proud of it
and I had these little sandalheels and pantyhose and earrings
and like all of the things.
And I remember walking in andeveryone was in freaking jeans
(03:01):
and everyone was in freakingjeans.
And the teachers will walk upto me and they're like oh, you
look so cute and I knew I made amassive mistake at that point.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
And I remember yes, socially.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
And I remember sitting in the corner of the
room almost the entire night inthe cafeteria next to the
teachers because I was soembarrassed and felt so left out
and it just like got me off onthe wrong foot in middle school.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Like it was terrible.
So it's so interesting, right?
Because you, I'm sure youlooked adorable, I'm sure your
outfit was precious, but it'slike that's not how social
circles work, right?
It doesn't matter how cute youlooked.
What was painfully obvious isthat you were not in, you were
out, you were not a part of theconversation where everybody
else said, hey, what are youwearing?
(03:50):
Like you weren't in thatconversation, yeah, yeah, and it
was like putting it on abillboard and that is the worst
feeling in the world.
Right, like that you do.
You are not on this Island withus, you are off the Island.
Yeah, which is what it feelslike, right, when you're getting
divorced and you're used tobeing part of a family dynamic
and a family neighborhood, doingfamily things or whatever it is
(04:10):
couples things, family things,whether you have kids or not,
and you're used to being part ofa club that has to do with
having a partner.
And I have heard so many men andwomen describe this to me over
the years in my practice aboutwhen you are suddenly single,
you stop getting invites tothings in the way that you
(04:30):
normally would.
Sure, you can brunch with thegirls on the weekend, but in
terms of just being part of asocial environment, you lose
friends.
You get left out of things.
You're not thought of in theway that you know and people
almost even want to maybedistance themselves from drama.
(04:51):
What about kids?
Like, have you ever had yourkids get left out of a play date
because maybe someone judgedwhether or not they were going
through it with divorce.
These are all things right thatall of a sudden it's like shit,
shit, how did this?
How am I back in this sort ofmiddle school thing where I'm
not in the club and it feels sohorrible and I moved away
(05:15):
because I know I've talked aboutthis before.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
But as a military wife, you know when you get
divorced, and especially if thewife is the one that asks for
the divorce and initiates thedivorce, you are like poison and
your friends will drop you.
I had a couple of very closefriends that stayed with me
through my divorce, but that wastwo out of many and we were
like a family, and so in themilitary yeah, so as soon as
(05:39):
this happened and I got dropped,it was like I had to move away
because I knew I would never beaccepted anymore in that world,
and so I moved somewherecompletely new and just had to
start over and had to figure itout, and so, yeah, I spent a lot
of time feeling like I didn'tbelong and I wasn't quite sure
where my footing was in theworld.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
I think that happens so often.
You know when there are, whenthere's infidelity or betrayal
or addiction or you name itright.
And then there's gossip andsecrets and all the things.
And you feel like you walk inthe grocery store and you just
know that those women aretalking about you over there or
(06:20):
you know, in car line and then,yeah, this idea that am I, can I
ever even find community hereever again?
Speaker 2 (06:27):
And for you, that was a hard no, yeah, yeah it was,
and I remember I kept myex-husband's last name.
I still have his last namebecause it was just easier to
have the same last name as mydaughter, because people always
assumed still that I was marriedand unless I talked about it,
they really didn't know that Iwas married.
And unless I talked about it,they really didn't know that.
I was divorced and I justdidn't want to have the
(06:48):
conversation.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
Yeah, it was like a little social tactic to not have
that.
Yeah, I do remember that beinglike the name thing being such
an agony and that is, it'sbecause of the social
implications, right, I remember.
Yeah, do I go back to my maidenname?
Do I keep this name?
Do I keep it low key, right?
Wow, so true.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Yeah, and for the state that we lived in in South
Carolina, if you don't share thesame last name as your child,
every single thing that you do,whether it's school or
extracurriculars, you have toproduce all of the custodial
paperwork, and I just didn'twant to do that for the rest of
her life, and so I just decidedto keep his name, and then it
was never a question.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Wow, that's a big deal.
Can you imagine having to movethrough your child's entire
educational experience, havingto keep re-producing divorce
paperwork?
It's like that's the definitionof not being able to move on
and let go, like just having tokeep revisit something, that
it's like let's let it diealready, goodness.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Yeah, okay so, but we're talking about feeling like
you don't belong in this sortof social construct that goes on
as a result of divorce, right,like like we're pariahs or
somehow, right, we got left outof the coolest party in town.
But the reality is, is thatthis negative belief I don't
(08:10):
belong?
It runs deep in people,especially women, I believe, but
people in particular, right,and I do think it starts even
before middle school, right, andthese painful stories.
I think these middle schoolstories just reinforced for us
that right, like we must belongat all costs.
(08:32):
And I remember that certainlybeing something that got
relieved for me in gettingmarried feeling like I belonged
to someone and that I felt saferin that way.
Right, do?
you relate to that, like feelinglike oh shoot, this feeling of
not belonging is finally there'ssome solution to it.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Yeah, absolutely, and I'm also curious because my
parents were never together.
They split when I was a baby,so I almost wonder if that
feeling of not belonging or notknowing your place is more
prominent with people who hadparents that weren't together,
just because you have twodifferent parenting experiences,
two different families.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
You resonate with both of them, but not completely
with one or the other, and sothat's an interesting constant
shift, yeah yeah, constant shiftfor me I think that there's so
many reasons that we experiencecontext like that, right, many
reasons that we experiencecontexts like that, right, you
know, like, racially, people whomaybe are are of a mixed race
and you've don't completelybelong to this group or you
don't completely belong to thatgroup, you know?
(09:31):
Yeah, I can think of so manyways in my young life where I
felt like I didn't belong.
You know, my parents moved usfrom a very, very young age out
of where sort of all of ourfamilies lived and you know,
down to the Florida Keys and andso it's like, well, I knew that
was my family, but like Iwasn't there, having those
experiences with my cousins andaunts and uncles and all this
(09:52):
all the time, right, so it waslike we were over here on a
literal Island.
But I also remember feelinglike I didn't belong with my own
parents, right.
I think that that wasn't aconscious thought for me when I
was young, but I definitelydidn't feel like this, like I
was in, right.
I always sort of felt like Iwas always sort of doing
(10:12):
something wrong or, you know,maybe was just in trouble or
feeling criticized or whatever.
I definitely didn't feel thissort of warm sense of belonging
in my early childhood dayseither, and so I think, yeah,
that just keeps that not knowinghow to belong, not knowing how
to just sort of relax and easeinto an intimate relationship.
(10:33):
I think that that is somethingthat I definitely built
post-divorce for myself, rightwhen I started to get very
intentional about working onthis deeply held belief that I
don't belong.
And you and I have still beenworking on this together right
as we've been running thiscommunity and working with women
.
We brought the quantum healerthat we love so much, kate, in
for a group quantum session overthe holidays with the women in
(10:56):
our coaching program and it cameup for all of us.
Right, kate addressed thatdeeply held belief that we don't
belong and we all had massivehealing responses from that.
Yeah, do you remember?
Do you remember at all?
I can't.
I can't remember what I felt inmy body when she said that.
But do you remember putting youon the spot?
It's okay if you don't.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
As far as like sense of belonging when it comes to
the holidays and things likethat.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
Yeah, In that session .
Do you remember when she usedthose words?
I just remember she spoke itand I was like, oh, that's what
we're all struggling with.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Yeah, and I think that it's society puts so much
pressure on what everythingshould look like for us, what
marriage should look like, whatholidays should look like.
I think some of the bestholidays that I had with my
daughter post-divorce was whereI would make hot dogs and shells
and cheese and we would go tothe movies and walk on them.
Just do it your way.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
And I think for me the pivotal moment was when I
stopped trying to to belongright, like when I stopped
trying to assimilate to whateveryone else wanted for me in
my life, what society felt, andjust live in my truth.
That became so pivotal for me.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Let's dig into that, because a that's what Brene
Brown has identified in herresearch.
She also, brene Brown, if youfollow her at all.
She she loves Maya Angelou tooand she quotes a lot of Maya
Angelou's work.
But she talks about that that,right, we belong everywhere and
nowhere, and it's like when westart to belong to ourselves is
when we really feel the mostdeeply belonging and how we can
(12:24):
connect with anyone at thatpoint.
So, yeah, let's dig into that,because that's sort of our
second part of the conversationhere, right?
Is that?
The reason that this gets soreinforced inside of us is
because when we have theseexperiences of feeling rejected
when we're younger, then we makethese little subconscious deals
with ourselves like, well, Inever want to get rejected again
, so I'm going to sort of moldmyself into something that then
(12:49):
won't get rejected, right?
And what we lose when we moldourselves into something that
appeases or pleases or avoidsgetting canceled by somebody
else is then we start rejectingparts of ourself, right?
And so then we start choppingourselves into little pieces and
we're no longer cohesive, we'reno longer coherent, we no
longer feel a sense of belonginginside of self.
(13:11):
There are literal parts of ourpsychology that we exile, we cut
off from the pack internally,right, and then we end up having
all this noise inside and wenever feel a sense of safety,
security, belonging again untilwe start to reconnect those
parts right.
I know we have had a lot ofreally beautiful conversations
(13:34):
lately about parts of self andhow that truly is.
The path to belonging withothers is belonging to me first,
so I love that.
How the hot dogs and the shellsand cheese, that's it.
That was that for you at thatseason.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Yeah, absolutely, Just figuring all of that out.
I wanted so much to belong and,as a young mom all of the other
moms in daycare were 10 yearsolder than me we didn't really
have a lot to talk about orrelate to other than our
children.
We were in very different youknow, these moms were dropping
their kids off in the Escaladesand the Mercedes and the BMWs.
And here I am in my yellowDodge Neon, you know and my full
(14:08):
work outfit, because I've gotto go to work doing three jobs
to support her.
And these moms were like, well,I'm going to the gym or I'm
going to the spa.
I think for me, one of the mostmemories that was most
prominent for me was that mydaughter got invited to a tea
party that was this full onprincess tea party when she was
four, at a very affluentfriend's house, and I didn't
feel confident enough to stay.
(14:30):
I dropped her off and I leftbecause I didn't want to have to
get in this conversation withthese women that looked like
they had it all together when Iwas a mess.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
That's it.
Right there, love, yeah, rightthere.
I just think that each andevery one of us relates to that
moment you just shared on somelevel some way.
Wow, we're all carrying aroundthis pain of feeling like we
don't belong, believing thateverybody else has their shit
together and we don't.
And PS, let's just call out howmean we are, as women, to each
(15:03):
other, because we do judge eachother so harshly, and yet we
can't continue to judgeourselves so harshly.
We can't continue to justwithdraw and isolate.
Right, divorce is such anisolating experience.
How do we start to put thepieces together of
(15:24):
self-acceptance, you know,finding those parts of ourselves
that we reject?
How do we get the courage tostay at the party when you know
my nervous system isdysregulated?
My inner critic is screaming atme like get the fuck out of
here.
(15:46):
How do we, you know like, how dowe change that, these decades
of rejecting ourselves,rejecting each other?
How do we carve out safe spaces, my Lord?
Each other?
How do we carve out safe spaces, my Lord?
I know, I know how I did itpost-divorce.
Right I, I joined a lot ofgroups.
(16:07):
Right, I was in a women'stherapy group.
I was in sort of a communityhealing group.
I went to Al-Anon meetings andshared in in circles.
Right I, yeah, I joined a lotof groups where I did the same
thing.
Yeah, had to be vulnerable, hadto find people to love and
accept me.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
I think I was craving people that had the same values
, morals, interests.
So, instead of always being theyes girl to attend events that
I hated and felt alone andisolated in and not part of the
conversation, I startedgravitating towards interests
that I had slowly startedvolunteering at animal shelters.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
I started.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
I created a girls group at my daughter's school
that I led for four years thathad to do with confidence
building and charity work and,um, I started doing things that
were very meaningful to me and,in turn, started meeting people
that had similar interests andthat I felt like I could truly
be myself with and not have toput on a show.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
So you went through the process of, like, creating
community for yourself where youcould take risks and you know
there was going to be somerelatability or some alignment.
Yeah, it was so interestingwhen I joined Al-Anon and
therapy, a women's group.
It's like, in some ways,sharing in an Al-Anon meeting
(17:30):
felt safer than sharing in atherapy group.
Right, there's something aboutstrangers versus you were
actually talking to my daughterabout this recently, because she
was having trouble singing infront of us.
But she can sing in front ofstrangers.
Right, there's something aboutstrangers versus you were
actually talking to my daughterabout this recently, because she
was having trouble singing infront of us, but she can sing in
front of strangers, right,isn't that interesting?
Because Brene Brown says youcan't engineer the discomfort
out of vulnerability, and soit's like the more you encounter
someone in your day-to-day life, the more uncomfortable it is
(17:52):
to tell them your secrets.
Yeah, but telling each otherour secrets is the path to
healing, but also it could bethe path to getting canceled.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Both things are completely true, and both things
are okay and both things areokay.
Yeah, and look, I lost a lot offriends and a lot of connections
I don't even know if I wouldcall them friends, right
Acquaintances over the yearswhen I started really being my
true self, and I have felt thatthe best friendships that I have
had post-divorce have been withwomen that I can have these
(18:26):
delicious moments ofvulnerability with, where I walk
away from these conversationsfeeling seen, understood and
loved for exactly who I am andall of the messy parts, and
that's what I think all of usare craving at the end of the
day.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
That's what we capital N-E-E-D right Like need.
We need to be loved andaccepted with our less desirable
parts, and I didn't learn howto do that with myself, right.
I didn't learn how to approachthose parts of myself that I was
so ashamed of with love andcompassion, until I felt the
(19:04):
love and compassion of otherwomen.
That's what it took, like otherwomen loving on me and me
telling them like my deepest,darkest secrets and them saying
like, yeah, I get it, it makessense and I love you and.
I still want to go to coffeewith you and I still want to
hang out with you and I stillwant to be your friend and I
still want to be your, you know,do life with you.
(19:26):
And that's where I learned howto actually approach, you know,
the parts of myself that I hadrejected with love and
compassion.
I had to have that experiencebefore I could practice it.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
And it's the experience, too, of other women
being vulnerable with me thathelped me kind of crack myself
open.
And then I found that, when Iwas sharing these deep,
vulnerable parts of myself, andthese women were looking at me
and going and it was like thisbeautiful release of like.
Why is that such a big deal?
Speaker 1 (20:00):
Because we judge ourselves so harshly.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Yes, but it's like, look, I'm not the same person in
my forties as I was in mytwenties or thirties.
So you know, when I look backon that time, yeah, I can say
that you know.
Things that I did am I proud ofnot all of them cringy moments,
absolutely.
But the things that I did am Iproud of Not all of them Cringy
moments, absolutely.
But the friends that I have now, they don't care about any of
that, they really don't.
(20:29):
And I remember I have a friendthat when her and I hang out
together, we sit on the couchtogether and we hold hands,
because it's like the universalenergy is so strong between us
that it's like this is my soulsister, like this is a person
that I can be messy with, andshe will love me anyway.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
That was my favorite part.
When I was in Al-Anon, therewere a couple of.
I had a couple of Alamoms Icalled them, right and these
were people who we just hadpermission to drop into each
other's homes and just crawl inbed together on those like dark
divorce days, right, where it'slike I'm pretty sure everything
is never going to get betterever again.
That's just how it feels somedays, right, and it's like to be
able to climb in bed with aperson who, just like you know,
(21:04):
will like, hug you and I don'tknow, just feel safe and like,
okay, I'm not alone and there'sa real human here who
understands my struggle, andit's such a relief.
Yeah, those were some of theprobably most healing moments
for me, right, those placeswhere it's like nobody has a
solution in this moment for thisproblem.
(21:24):
The solution is just connection.
Yeah, that's it, that seen,heard, understood thing.
Yeah, so let's talk for aminute about because this is the
answer, right this allowingyourself to be fully seen and to
fully see others.
That is really the key tohealing this cycle of not
(21:45):
belonging.
Right, we have to do theterrifying work of leaping off
the cliff into vulnerability.
When women are thinking aboutjoining groups post-divorce.
What do you hear women say?
The reasons are that they can'tconnect or join or do the thing
.
Versus what?
The actual holdback is right,because here we've had this
(22:07):
whole conversation today.
The actual holdback is I amsecretly scared to death to
reveal myself, but what are someof the excuses, as women, we
make for why we can't join?
Speaker 2 (22:18):
You know time's the biggest one Time.
Yeah, I don't have the time.
I'm a mom, I'm this, I'm that,I'm a caregiver for this person.
I have to work.
I have to do this.
It's a big deflector.
Money is always the thing.
You know, but tell me againabout your $7 coffee order every
day.
That amounts to how much moneya month, right?
So I think time and money areprobably the big things that
(22:40):
people do.
And also, honestly, just beingscared of vulnerability, right,
like I don't know that I coulddo that.
I don't want to face myself,yeah, like what about the
stories we tell ourselves about?
Speaker 1 (22:51):
how you know, we can't relate right, like no one
here is going to be able torelate to my story.
But like you and your yellowDodge neon, like these women
can't relate to me.
I can't relate to these women.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
Yeah, or it's like great, this is yet another group
that I'm going to enter.
Then I'm going to be judgedagain and feel like I'm an
outcast and don't belong.
So, I'm just going to sit onthe outskirts Like that's a big
thing it's fearful of likefurther from the truth.
You know the vulnerability thatthese women have shown in the
(23:22):
past several months with eachother, oh, my God, and I think,
in turn, us sharing ourvulnerabilities with them you
know, you and me enjoy, right?
Speaker 1 (23:31):
Oh yeah, because we're still working on it too.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
Yeah, oh my God, it's still a process.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
So it's like the more vulnerable we can be as a group
together and still accept andlove each other.
My God, like that moreconfidence we all step out into
the world having yeah, oh, yeah,yeah, and that's it.
It's almost like one for oneright.
The more we share vulnerablyand experience connection, that
directly equates it's a mathequation right Like be
vulnerable, remain connectedequals confidence in the world
in myself and in the world.
It's like that's the ROI rightthere Put in vulnerability, cash
(24:08):
out confidence and thiscapacity to just say, like I'm
going to eat the hot dogs andthe shells and cheese and I'm
going to fricking rock it.
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (24:19):
And, you know, just being able to be seen and heard
too.
I feel like people when we gothrough divorce people, they're
always waiting for us to have ameltdown.
They're always waiting for thatemotion to come through Right.
And so we go through our livesin these roles as a daughter, oh
yeah, just like.
No, we're fine, everything'sfine, we have it all together.
It's like the little meme withthe dog where all the shit's on
(24:39):
fire around him and he's like,no, I'm good.
But for me it was so freeing tobe able to talk to other women
and be like I am not okay today,and this is why and to be
received and seen and loved andsupported, even if they didn't
know what to say, like you said.
Just that simple connection ofI see you, I love you, I'm sorry
(24:59):
You're going through this, I'mhere, oh my God, like it was a
game changer for me.
It was like a million poundswere coming off of me and it was
just this big sigh of relief tofinally be able to be myself in
a group of people.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
And for you know, for people to love me and remember
who I am when I forget who I am,because I think that that's
what my relationship withrejection has been over the
years is I've rejected myself inso many ways that sometimes I
really lose track of are whatother people saying about me.
Is it true or is it not true?
(25:35):
Right, and so, to have womenwho can mirror back to me the
truth of who I am when I feltlost or untethered in certain
ways also invaluable, right,because I can make myself out to
be the worst version of myselfin my own mind.
Like man, we can convinceourselves of really wild stuff,
(25:55):
and I think that women beingable to see all of me, the
beautiful parts, remind me ofthe beautiful parts of myself.
Right, when I'm feeling lost,yeah, like, has really shortened
my recovery periods over theyears.
right, Like when, when I getinto a slump or to a hole, like
(26:15):
no, that's not who you are, Getup out of that hole.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Yeah, I agree, and having the ability to just text
somebody in a moment of weaknessand just hear the responses
that are coming back ofencouragement and love and
support, like in that moment,it's exactly what you need.
You know, you're not having towait for days or weeks or
periods of time, it's like we'reall here for each other right
(26:38):
now, in this moment.
Okay, but what about thesecrets, right?
Speaker 1 (26:42):
Because we all have secrets, and I think that that's
one of the hardest things forpeople to acknowledge to
themselves and to other women isthe secrets.
What are your thoughts aboutthe healing power of sharing
those scary things that lurk incorners, and can we ever truly
(27:03):
feel like we belong to ourselvesor others unless we've made
peace with those things?
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Yeah, I don't.
I don't think so.
It's surface level.
You know, what do you want inyour life?
Do you want acquaintances andfriends that you have at a
distance?
How does that feel for you?
For me, it felt unauthentic.
What's my point, you know?
Hey, I'm going to go havecoffee with someone.
So today, cool, we're going tohave a conversation, we're going
to pretend that I'm OK andeverything's great, and it's
very like.
(27:28):
You know, how's the weather andhow are the kids?
How's your mom's health, how'syour?
Speaker 1 (27:33):
like super vague, like nothing really deeply
personal.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
Like no one fucking cares yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
Like I want to know how are you Gluten free products
in the grocery right Like justthe?
Speaker 2 (27:43):
stuff that's like yeah throw away.
So I think what I would askeveryone out there is like what
do you want in your life?
Do you want to continue livingthis unauthentic?
Because for me and my body, itfelt tiring, exhausting.
I was so tired of playing arole in every single part of my
(28:05):
life and having surface level.
What I was craving was thisdeep connection, understanding.
So when I was finally able tohave a conversation with
somebody and say to them this iswhat I've done, this is what
I've experienced, this is what Ihave been through, and for them
to simply put their hand overmine and just be like wow, you
know, I'm sorry you went throughthat.
Thank you so much for sharingthat with me.
You're so brave.
Oh, my God, it was like such afreeing feeling, and I have a
(28:27):
small circle nowadays, but mycircle is amazing.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Tight, tight, tight, tight, tight.
Speaker 2 (28:32):
It's no one I have to play a role with or a part.
These women know who I am.
They.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
They know that I have good days, bad days and they're
here for all of it, all of it.
So, to our beautiful listeners,who we know have secrets left,
if you're thinking about joininga different D-Word, our group
coaching program, so that youcan have a safe place to go to
these deep connection,self-acceptance, vulnerability,
(29:02):
you know, get to the bottom ofit places, if this calls to you
at all, if you know that you'vestruggled with feeling like you
don't belong on and off for mostof your life, and that is just
highlighted right now, duringthis middle school, post-divorce
phase, this is your warminvitation to hop on our wait
(29:22):
list.
We just recently opened it upand this is a safe place for you
to have a small group of womenwhom you can really learn how to
accept yourself and be acceptedby others, so that when it's
time to date again, you knowthat you're doing it from a
place of confidence.
(29:42):
You're doing it from a place ofI know who I am and I love
myself well and I know how to dovulnerability and I know how to
create security in myrelationships and I know for
sure, at the end of the day,that I belong to myself and a
group of women who are going tolove me unconditionally,
imperfectly right.
(30:03):
There is no such thing asperfection, only accountability
and love, and if that at all issomething that's calling to you,
scroll down to the very bottomof the show notes where you will
find our email address.
Hello at mycoachdawncom, whereyou can hop on the wait list.
Tell us in just one word right,wait list.
(30:25):
I want to check out this groupcoaching program because I know
I need to go to these deepplaces to find this love and
acceptance.
Coach Tiffany, thank you somuch for talking with me and
with the women about right.
We talked to them about the.
With the women about right.
We talked to them about thesimilar we validated right.
The similarities between middleschool and divorce, about the
(30:45):
parts of themselves that they'vebeen rejecting and the path out
of that right, the one and onlything that will break that
cycle, which is deeplyconnecting and being vulnerable
with one another.
And thank you for being thatperson for me in my life that I
can say all the things to andyou still wanna love me and work
with me and do all the things.
(31:06):
It's magical, very grateful yesit is.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
I'm grateful for you too.
Speaker 1 (31:10):
And so grateful for our listeners, right.
They listen to ourvulnerability too and they take
it in and they appreciate us forit, like loves.
You have no idea the power ofyour just listening to this
podcast.
Right Creates this energeticcommunity of love and acceptance
and you know, as we sharevulnerably here with each other
(31:31):
and with you and gosh, it's justsuch a beautiful corner of the
internet in my opinion.
Beautiful corner of theinternet in my opinion.
All right, catch you onThursday for our next Hidden
Healing Gem and until then, havea beautiful day.
Peace.
Dear Divorce Diary is a podcastby MyCoachDawn.
(31:57):
You can find more atMyCoachDawncom.
I know you have a secret actually three secrets
and I'm going to walk youthrough today, with the help of
Coach Tiffany, how those secretsare contributing to how safe or
unsafe you feel in your divorcerecovery journey.
Hi, love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
(00:25):
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
Welcome back, coach Tiffany.
(01:01):
Hi, so we've been chittychatting about how common it is
for women to struggle withfeeling like they don't belong
and all the ways that that comesout in social situations and in
our relationships andfriendships, and all the shit
when we're walking the path ofdivorce.
And wow, there's some juicystuff here, eh, yeah, and cringy
, cringy, cringy stuff, yeah.
And we've been talking abouthow this has been a main feature
(01:23):
.
We've been working with ourwomen in our group coaching
program a different D word, thisissue of not belonging, and how
it comes up socially.
So today you and I are going tounpack for our lovely listeners
these three kind of main issues, right?
Number one the similaritiesbetween middle school and
(01:44):
divorce.
I hear you have a middle schooldance story to share with us.
Speaker 2 (01:48):
Oh God, it's so cringy.
Yes, Okay.
Speaker 1 (01:51):
Yeah, and then we're also going to sort of like, get
into the weeds about how thisnot belonging thing ends up
being developed and then how wereinforce it for ourselves.
Right, we're going to get inthe nitty gritty about what's
happening inside of us, thatthis we keep struggling as women
with this I don't belong, crap.
Then we're going to get to theonly thing that you and I know
(02:16):
from personal and professionalexperience that will help our
listeners break the cycle offeeling like they don't belong.
It is truly the one and onlyand it's this well-researched,
well-documented core thing thatall women must do if they want
to break the cycle of feelinglike they don't belong.
Yeah, all right, let's do it.
So.
Middle school and divorce.
Speaker 2 (02:41):
So my worst experience, or one of them, was
it was our first middle schooldance and you know I wore a
skirt and it was the prettiestskirt and I was so proud of it
and I had these little sandalheels and pantyhose and earrings
and like all of the things.
And I remember walking in andeveryone was in freaking jeans
(03:01):
and everyone was in freakingjeans.
And the teachers will walk upto me and they're like oh, you
look so cute and I knew I made amassive mistake at that point.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
And I remember yes, socially.
Speaker 2 (03:18):
And I remember sitting in the corner of the
room almost the entire night inthe cafeteria next to the
teachers because I was soembarrassed and felt so left out
and it just like got me off onthe wrong foot in middle school.
Speaker 1 (03:28):
Like it was terrible.
So it's so interesting, right?
Because you, I'm sure youlooked adorable, I'm sure your
outfit was precious, but it'slike that's not how social
circles work, right?
It doesn't matter how cute youlooked.
What was painfully obvious isthat you were not in, you were
out, you were not a part of theconversation where everybody
else said, hey, what are youwearing?
(03:50):
Like you weren't in thatconversation, yeah, yeah, and it
was like putting it on abillboard and that is the worst
feeling in the world.
Right, like that you do.
You are not on this Island withus, you are off the Island.
Yeah, which is what it feelslike, right, when you're getting
divorced and you're used tobeing part of a family dynamic
and a family neighborhood, doingfamily things or whatever it is
(04:10):
couples things, family things,whether you have kids or not,
and you're used to being part ofa club that has to do with
having a partner.
And I have heard so many men andwomen describe this to me over
the years in my practice aboutwhen you are suddenly single,
you stop getting invites tothings in the way that you
(04:30):
normally would.
Sure, you can brunch with thegirls on the weekend, but in
terms of just being part of asocial environment, you lose
friends.
You get left out of things.
You're not thought of in theway that you know and people
almost even want to maybedistance themselves from drama.
(04:51):
What about kids?
Like, have you ever had yourkids get left out of a play date
because maybe someone judgedwhether or not they were going
through it with divorce.
These are all things right thatall of a sudden it's like shit,
shit, how did this?
How am I back in this sort ofmiddle school thing where I'm
not in the club and it feels sohorrible and I moved away
(05:15):
because I know I've talked aboutthis before.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
But as a military wife, you know when you get
divorced, and especially if thewife is the one that asks for
the divorce and initiates thedivorce, you are like poison and
your friends will drop you.
I had a couple of very closefriends that stayed with me
through my divorce, but that wastwo out of many and we were
like a family, and so in themilitary yeah, so as soon as
(05:39):
this happened and I got dropped,it was like I had to move away
because I knew I would never beaccepted anymore in that world,
and so I moved somewherecompletely new and just had to
start over and had to figure itout, and so, yeah, I spent a lot
of time feeling like I didn'tbelong and I wasn't quite sure
where my footing was in theworld.
Speaker 1 (05:59):
I think that happens so often.
You know when there are, whenthere's infidelity or betrayal
or addiction or you name itright.
And then there's gossip andsecrets and all the things.
And you feel like you walk inthe grocery store and you just
know that those women aretalking about you over there or
(06:20):
you know, in car line and then,yeah, this idea that am I, can I
ever even find community hereever again?
Speaker 2 (06:27):
And for you, that was a hard no, yeah, yeah it was,
and I remember I kept myex-husband's last name.
I still have his last namebecause it was just easier to
have the same last name as mydaughter, because people always
assumed still that I was marriedand unless I talked about it,
they really didn't know that Iwas married.
And unless I talked about it,they really didn't know that.
I was divorced and I justdidn't want to have the
(06:48):
conversation.
Speaker 1 (06:48):
Yeah, it was like a little social tactic to not have
that.
Yeah, I do remember that beinglike the name thing being such
an agony and that is, it'sbecause of the social
implications, right, I remember.
Yeah, do I go back to my maidenname?
Do I keep this name?
Do I keep it low key, right?
Wow, so true.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
Yeah, and for the state that we lived in in South
Carolina, if you don't share thesame last name as your child,
every single thing that you do,whether it's school or
extracurriculars, you have toproduce all of the custodial
paperwork, and I just didn'twant to do that for the rest of
her life, and so I just decidedto keep his name, and then it
was never a question.
Speaker 1 (07:27):
Wow, that's a big deal.
Can you imagine having to movethrough your child's entire
educational experience, havingto keep re-producing divorce
paperwork?
It's like that's the definitionof not being able to move on
and let go, like just having tokeep revisit something, that
it's like let's let it diealready, goodness.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Yeah, okay so, but we're talking about feeling like
you don't belong in this sortof social construct that goes on
as a result of divorce, right,like like we're pariahs or
somehow, right, we got left outof the coolest party in town.
But the reality is, is thatthis negative belief I don't
(08:10):
belong?
It runs deep in people,especially women, I believe, but
people in particular, right,and I do think it starts even
before middle school, right, andthese painful stories.
I think these middle schoolstories just reinforced for us
that right, like we must belongat all costs.
(08:32):
And I remember that certainlybeing something that got
relieved for me in gettingmarried feeling like I belonged
to someone and that I felt saferin that way.
Right, do?
you relate to that, like feelinglike oh shoot, this feeling of
not belonging is finally there'ssome solution to it.
Speaker 2 (08:51):
Yeah, absolutely, and I'm also curious because my
parents were never together.
They split when I was a baby,so I almost wonder if that
feeling of not belonging or notknowing your place is more
prominent with people who hadparents that weren't together,
just because you have twodifferent parenting experiences,
two different families.
Speaker 1 (09:11):
You resonate with both of them, but not completely
with one or the other, and sothat's an interesting constant
shift, yeah yeah, constant shiftfor me I think that there's so
many reasons that we experiencecontext like that, right, many
reasons that we experiencecontexts like that, right, you
know, like, racially, people whomaybe are are of a mixed race
and you've don't completelybelong to this group or you
don't completely belong to thatgroup, you know?
(09:31):
Yeah, I can think of so manyways in my young life where I
felt like I didn't belong.
You know, my parents moved usfrom a very, very young age out
of where sort of all of ourfamilies lived and you know,
down to the Florida Keys and andso it's like, well, I knew that
was my family, but like Iwasn't there, having those
experiences with my cousins andaunts and uncles and all this
(09:52):
all the time, right, so it waslike we were over here on a
literal Island.
But I also remember feelinglike I didn't belong with my own
parents, right.
I think that that wasn't aconscious thought for me when I
was young, but I definitelydidn't feel like this, like I
was in, right.
I always sort of felt like Iwas always sort of doing
(10:12):
something wrong or, you know,maybe was just in trouble or
feeling criticized or whatever.
I definitely didn't feel thissort of warm sense of belonging
in my early childhood dayseither, and so I think, yeah,
that just keeps that not knowinghow to belong, not knowing how
to just sort of relax and easeinto an intimate relationship.
(10:33):
I think that that is somethingthat I definitely built
post-divorce for myself, rightwhen I started to get very
intentional about working onthis deeply held belief that I
don't belong.
And you and I have still beenworking on this together right
as we've been running thiscommunity and working with women
.
We brought the quantum healerthat we love so much, kate, in
for a group quantum session overthe holidays with the women in
(10:56):
our coaching program and it cameup for all of us.
Right, kate addressed thatdeeply held belief that we don't
belong and we all had massivehealing responses from that.
Yeah, do you remember?
Do you remember at all?
I can't.
I can't remember what I felt inmy body when she said that.
But do you remember putting youon the spot?
It's okay if you don't.
Speaker 2 (11:16):
As far as like sense of belonging when it comes to
the holidays and things likethat.
Speaker 1 (11:20):
Yeah, In that session .
Do you remember when she usedthose words?
I just remember she spoke itand I was like, oh, that's what
we're all struggling with.
Speaker 2 (11:29):
Yeah, and I think that it's society puts so much
pressure on what everythingshould look like for us, what
marriage should look like, whatholidays should look like.
I think some of the bestholidays that I had with my
daughter post-divorce was whereI would make hot dogs and shells
and cheese and we would go tothe movies and walk on them.
Just do it your way.
Yes.
Speaker 1 (11:47):
Yes.
Speaker 2 (11:48):
And I think for me the pivotal moment was when I
stopped trying to to belongright, like when I stopped
trying to assimilate to whateveryone else wanted for me in
my life, what society felt, andjust live in my truth.
That became so pivotal for me.
Speaker 1 (12:02):
Let's dig into that, because a that's what Brene
Brown has identified in herresearch.
She also, brene Brown, if youfollow her at all.
She she loves Maya Angelou tooand she quotes a lot of Maya
Angelou's work.
But she talks about that that,right, we belong everywhere and
nowhere, and it's like when westart to belong to ourselves is
when we really feel the mostdeeply belonging and how we can
(12:24):
connect with anyone at thatpoint.
So, yeah, let's dig into that,because that's sort of our
second part of the conversationhere, right?
Is that?
The reason that this gets soreinforced inside of us is
because when we have theseexperiences of feeling rejected
when we're younger, then we makethese little subconscious deals
with ourselves like, well, Inever want to get rejected again
, so I'm going to sort of moldmyself into something that then
(12:49):
won't get rejected, right?
And what we lose when we moldourselves into something that
appeases or pleases or avoidsgetting canceled by somebody
else is then we start rejectingparts of ourself, right?
And so then we start choppingourselves into little pieces and
we're no longer cohesive, we'reno longer coherent, we no
longer feel a sense of belonginginside of self.
(13:11):
There are literal parts of ourpsychology that we exile, we cut
off from the pack internally,right, and then we end up having
all this noise inside and wenever feel a sense of safety,
security, belonging again untilwe start to reconnect those
parts right.
I know we have had a lot ofreally beautiful conversations
(13:34):
lately about parts of self andhow that truly is.
The path to belonging withothers is belonging to me first,
so I love that.
How the hot dogs and the shellsand cheese, that's it.
That was that for you at thatseason.
Speaker 2 (13:46):
Yeah, absolutely, Just figuring all of that out.
I wanted so much to belong and,as a young mom all of the other
moms in daycare were 10 yearsolder than me we didn't really
have a lot to talk about orrelate to other than our
children.
We were in very different youknow, these moms were dropping
their kids off in the Escaladesand the Mercedes and the BMWs.
And here I am in my yellowDodge Neon, you know and my full
(14:08):
work outfit, because I've gotto go to work doing three jobs
to support her.
And these moms were like, well,I'm going to the gym or I'm
going to the spa.
I think for me, one of the mostmemories that was most
prominent for me was that mydaughter got invited to a tea
party that was this full onprincess tea party when she was
four, at a very affluentfriend's house, and I didn't
feel confident enough to stay.
(14:30):
I dropped her off and I leftbecause I didn't want to have to
get in this conversation withthese women that looked like
they had it all together when Iwas a mess.
Speaker 1 (14:40):
That's it.
Right there, love, yeah, rightthere.
I just think that each andevery one of us relates to that
moment you just shared on somelevel some way.
Wow, we're all carrying aroundthis pain of feeling like we
don't belong, believing thateverybody else has their shit
together and we don't.
And PS, let's just call out howmean we are, as women, to each
(15:03):
other, because we do judge eachother so harshly, and yet we
can't continue to judgeourselves so harshly.
We can't continue to justwithdraw and isolate.
Right, divorce is such anisolating experience.
How do we start to put thepieces together of
(15:24):
self-acceptance, you know,finding those parts of ourselves
that we reject?
How do we get the courage tostay at the party when you know
my nervous system isdysregulated?
My inner critic is screaming atme like get the fuck out of
here.
(15:46):
How do we, you know like, how dowe change that, these decades
of rejecting ourselves,rejecting each other?
How do we carve out safe spaces, my Lord?
Each other?
How do we carve out safe spaces, my Lord?
I know, I know how I did itpost-divorce.
Right I, I joined a lot ofgroups.
(16:07):
Right, I was in a women'stherapy group.
I was in sort of a communityhealing group.
I went to Al-Anon meetings andshared in in circles.
Right I, yeah, I joined a lotof groups where I did the same
thing.
Yeah, had to be vulnerable, hadto find people to love and
accept me.
Speaker 2 (16:23):
I think I was craving people that had the same values
, morals, interests.
So, instead of always being theyes girl to attend events that
I hated and felt alone andisolated in and not part of the
conversation, I startedgravitating towards interests
that I had slowly startedvolunteering at animal shelters.
Speaker 1 (16:45):
I started.
Speaker 2 (16:46):
I created a girls group at my daughter's school
that I led for four years thathad to do with confidence
building and charity work and,um, I started doing things that
were very meaningful to me and,in turn, started meeting people
that had similar interests andthat I felt like I could truly
be myself with and not have toput on a show.
Speaker 1 (17:08):
So you went through the process of, like, creating
community for yourself where youcould take risks and you know
there was going to be somerelatability or some alignment.
Yeah, it was so interestingwhen I joined Al-Anon and
therapy, a women's group.
It's like, in some ways,sharing in an Al-Anon meeting
(17:30):
felt safer than sharing in atherapy group.
Right, there's something aboutstrangers versus you were
actually talking to my daughterabout this recently, because she
was having trouble singing infront of us.
But she can sing in front ofstrangers.
Right, there's something aboutstrangers versus you were
actually talking to my daughterabout this recently, because she
was having trouble singing infront of us, but she can sing in
front of strangers, right,isn't that interesting?
Because Brene Brown says youcan't engineer the discomfort
out of vulnerability, and soit's like the more you encounter
someone in your day-to-day life, the more uncomfortable it is
(17:52):
to tell them your secrets.
Yeah, but telling each otherour secrets is the path to
healing, but also it could bethe path to getting canceled.
Speaker 2 (18:02):
Both things are completely true, and both things
are okay and both things areokay.
Yeah, and look, I lost a lot offriends and a lot of connections
I don't even know if I wouldcall them friends, right
Acquaintances over the yearswhen I started really being my
true self, and I have felt thatthe best friendships that I have
had post-divorce have been withwomen that I can have these
(18:26):
delicious moments ofvulnerability with, where I walk
away from these conversationsfeeling seen, understood and
loved for exactly who I am andall of the messy parts, and
that's what I think all of usare craving at the end of the
day.
Speaker 1 (18:41):
That's what we capital N-E-E-D right Like need.
We need to be loved andaccepted with our less desirable
parts, and I didn't learn howto do that with myself, right.
I didn't learn how to approachthose parts of myself that I was
so ashamed of with love andcompassion, until I felt the
(19:04):
love and compassion of otherwomen.
That's what it took, like otherwomen loving on me and me
telling them like my deepest,darkest secrets and them saying
like, yeah, I get it, it makessense and I love you and.
I still want to go to coffeewith you and I still want to
hang out with you and I stillwant to be your friend and I
still want to be your, you know,do life with you.
(19:26):
And that's where I learned howto actually approach, you know,
the parts of myself that I hadrejected with love and
compassion.
I had to have that experiencebefore I could practice it.
Speaker 2 (19:42):
And it's the experience, too, of other women
being vulnerable with me thathelped me kind of crack myself
open.
And then I found that, when Iwas sharing these deep,
vulnerable parts of myself, andthese women were looking at me
and going and it was like thisbeautiful release of like.
Why is that such a big deal?
Speaker 1 (20:00):
Because we judge ourselves so harshly.
Speaker 2 (20:03):
Yes, but it's like, look, I'm not the same person in
my forties as I was in mytwenties or thirties.
So you know, when I look backon that time, yeah, I can say
that you know.
Things that I did am I proud ofnot all of them cringy moments,
absolutely.
But the things that I did am Iproud of Not all of them Cringy
moments, absolutely.
But the friends that I have now, they don't care about any of
that, they really don't.
(20:29):
And I remember I have a friendthat when her and I hang out
together, we sit on the couchtogether and we hold hands,
because it's like the universalenergy is so strong between us
that it's like this is my soulsister, like this is a person
that I can be messy with, andshe will love me anyway.
Speaker 1 (20:40):
That was my favorite part.
When I was in Al-Anon, therewere a couple of.
I had a couple of Alamoms Icalled them, right and these
were people who we just hadpermission to drop into each
other's homes and just crawl inbed together on those like dark
divorce days, right, where it'slike I'm pretty sure everything
is never going to get betterever again.
That's just how it feels somedays, right, and it's like to be
able to climb in bed with aperson who, just like you know,
(21:04):
will like, hug you and I don'tknow, just feel safe and like,
okay, I'm not alone and there'sa real human here who
understands my struggle, andit's such a relief.
Yeah, those were some of theprobably most healing moments
for me, right, those placeswhere it's like nobody has a
solution in this moment for thisproblem.
(21:24):
The solution is just connection.
Yeah, that's it, that seen,heard, understood thing.
Yeah, so let's talk for aminute about because this is the
answer, right this allowingyourself to be fully seen and to
fully see others.
That is really the key tohealing this cycle of not
(21:45):
belonging.
Right, we have to do theterrifying work of leaping off
the cliff into vulnerability.
When women are thinking aboutjoining groups post-divorce.
What do you hear women say?
The reasons are that they can'tconnect or join or do the thing
.
Versus what?
The actual holdback is right,because here we've had this
(22:07):
whole conversation today.
The actual holdback is I amsecretly scared to death to
reveal myself, but what are someof the excuses, as women, we
make for why we can't join?
Speaker 2 (22:18):
You know time's the biggest one Time.
Yeah, I don't have the time.
I'm a mom, I'm this, I'm that,I'm a caregiver for this person.
I have to work.
I have to do this.
It's a big deflector.
Money is always the thing.
You know, but tell me againabout your $7 coffee order every
day.
That amounts to how much moneya month, right?
So I think time and money areprobably the big things that
(22:40):
people do.
And also, honestly, just beingscared of vulnerability, right,
like I don't know that I coulddo that.
I don't want to face myself,yeah, like what about the
stories we tell ourselves about?
Speaker 1 (22:51):
how you know, we can't relate right, like no one
here is going to be able torelate to my story.
But like you and your yellowDodge neon, like these women
can't relate to me.
I can't relate to these women.
Speaker 2 (23:01):
Yeah, or it's like great, this is yet another group
that I'm going to enter.
Then I'm going to be judgedagain and feel like I'm an
outcast and don't belong.
So, I'm just going to sit onthe outskirts Like that's a big
thing it's fearful of likefurther from the truth.
You know the vulnerability thatthese women have shown in the
(23:22):
past several months with eachother, oh, my God, and I think,
in turn, us sharing ourvulnerabilities with them you
know, you and me enjoy, right?
Speaker 1 (23:31):
Oh yeah, because we're still working on it too.
Speaker 2 (23:32):
Yeah, oh my God, it's still a process.
Speaker 1 (23:43):
So it's like the more vulnerable we can be as a group
together and still accept andlove each other.
My God, like that moreconfidence we all step out into
the world having yeah, oh, yeah,yeah, and that's it.
It's almost like one for oneright.
The more we share vulnerablyand experience connection, that
directly equates it's a mathequation right Like be
vulnerable, remain connectedequals confidence in the world
in myself and in the world.
It's like that's the ROI rightthere Put in vulnerability, cash
(24:08):
out confidence and thiscapacity to just say, like I'm
going to eat the hot dogs andthe shells and cheese and I'm
going to fricking rock it.
Yeah, absolutely.
Speaker 2 (24:19):
And, you know, just being able to be seen and heard
too.
I feel like people when we gothrough divorce people, they're
always waiting for us to have ameltdown.
They're always waiting for thatemotion to come through Right.
And so we go through our livesin these roles as a daughter, oh
yeah, just like.
No, we're fine, everything'sfine, we have it all together.
It's like the little meme withthe dog where all the shit's on
(24:39):
fire around him and he's like,no, I'm good.
But for me it was so freeing tobe able to talk to other women
and be like I am not okay today,and this is why and to be
received and seen and loved andsupported, even if they didn't
know what to say, like you said.
Just that simple connection ofI see you, I love you, I'm sorry
(24:59):
You're going through this, I'mhere, oh my God, like it was a
game changer for me.
It was like a million poundswere coming off of me and it was
just this big sigh of relief tofinally be able to be myself in
a group of people.
Speaker 1 (25:13):
And for you know, for people to love me and remember
who I am when I forget who I am,because I think that that's
what my relationship withrejection has been over the
years is I've rejected myself inso many ways that sometimes I
really lose track of are whatother people saying about me.
Is it true or is it not true?
(25:35):
Right, and so, to have womenwho can mirror back to me the
truth of who I am when I feltlost or untethered in certain
ways also invaluable, right,because I can make myself out to
be the worst version of myselfin my own mind.
Like man, we can convinceourselves of really wild stuff,
(25:55):
and I think that women beingable to see all of me, the
beautiful parts, remind me ofthe beautiful parts of myself.
Right, when I'm feeling lost,yeah, like, has really shortened
my recovery periods over theyears.
right, Like when, when I getinto a slump or to a hole, like
(26:15):
no, that's not who you are, Getup out of that hole.
Speaker 2 (26:18):
Yeah, I agree, and having the ability to just text
somebody in a moment of weaknessand just hear the responses
that are coming back ofencouragement and love and
support, like in that moment,it's exactly what you need.
You know, you're not having towait for days or weeks or
periods of time, it's like we'reall here for each other right
(26:38):
now, in this moment.
Okay, but what about thesecrets, right?
Speaker 1 (26:42):
Because we all have secrets, and I think that that's
one of the hardest things forpeople to acknowledge to
themselves and to other women isthe secrets.
What are your thoughts aboutthe healing power of sharing
those scary things that lurk incorners, and can we ever truly
(27:03):
feel like we belong to ourselvesor others unless we've made
peace with those things?
Speaker 2 (27:08):
Yeah, I don't.
I don't think so.
It's surface level.
You know, what do you want inyour life?
Do you want acquaintances andfriends that you have at a
distance?
How does that feel for you?
For me, it felt unauthentic.
What's my point, you know?
Hey, I'm going to go havecoffee with someone.
So today, cool, we're going tohave a conversation, we're going
to pretend that I'm OK andeverything's great, and it's
very like.
(27:28):
You know, how's the weather andhow are the kids?
How's your mom's health, how'syour?
Speaker 1 (27:33):
like super vague, like nothing really deeply
personal.
Speaker 2 (27:37):
Like no one fucking cares yeah.
Speaker 1 (27:40):
Like I want to know how are you Gluten free products
in the grocery right Like justthe?
Speaker 2 (27:43):
stuff that's like yeah throw away.
So I think what I would askeveryone out there is like what
do you want in your life?
Do you want to continue livingthis unauthentic?
Because for me and my body, itfelt tiring, exhausting.
I was so tired of playing arole in every single part of my
(28:05):
life and having surface level.
What I was craving was thisdeep connection, understanding.
So when I was finally able tohave a conversation with
somebody and say to them this iswhat I've done, this is what
I've experienced, this is what Ihave been through, and for them
to simply put their hand overmine and just be like wow, you
know, I'm sorry you went throughthat.
Thank you so much for sharingthat with me.
You're so brave.
Oh, my God, it was like such afreeing feeling, and I have a
(28:27):
small circle nowadays, but mycircle is amazing.
Speaker 1 (28:30):
Tight, tight, tight, tight, tight.
Speaker 2 (28:32):
It's no one I have to play a role with or a part.
These women know who I am.
They.
Speaker 1 (28:37):
They know that I have good days, bad days and they're
here for all of it, all of it.
So, to our beautiful listeners,who we know have secrets left,
if you're thinking about joininga different D-Word, our group
coaching program, so that youcan have a safe place to go to
these deep connection,self-acceptance, vulnerability,
(29:02):
you know, get to the bottom ofit places, if this calls to you
at all, if you know that you'vestruggled with feeling like you
don't belong on and off for mostof your life, and that is just
highlighted right now, duringthis middle school, post-divorce
phase, this is your warminvitation to hop on our wait
(29:22):
list.
We just recently opened it upand this is a safe place for you
to have a small group of womenwhom you can really learn how to
accept yourself and be acceptedby others, so that when it's
time to date again, you knowthat you're doing it from a
place of confidence.
(29:42):
You're doing it from a place ofI know who I am and I love
myself well and I know how to dovulnerability and I know how to
create security in myrelationships and I know for
sure, at the end of the day,that I belong to myself and a
group of women who are going tolove me unconditionally,
imperfectly right.
(30:03):
There is no such thing asperfection, only accountability
and love, and if that at all issomething that's calling to you,
scroll down to the very bottomof the show notes where you will
find our email address.
Hello at mycoachdawncom, whereyou can hop on the wait list.
Tell us in just one word right,wait list.
(30:25):
I want to check out this groupcoaching program because I know
I need to go to these deepplaces to find this love and
acceptance.
Coach Tiffany, thank you somuch for talking with me and
with the women about right.
We talked to them about the.
With the women about right.
We talked to them about thesimilar we validated right.
The similarities between middleschool and divorce, about the
(30:45):
parts of themselves that they'vebeen rejecting and the path out
of that right, the one and onlything that will break that
cycle, which is deeplyconnecting and being vulnerable
with one another.
And thank you for being thatperson for me in my life that I
can say all the things to andyou still wanna love me and work
with me and do all the things.
(31:06):
It's magical, very grateful yesit is.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
I'm grateful for you too.
Speaker 1 (31:10):
And so grateful for our listeners, right.
They listen to ourvulnerability too and they take
it in and they appreciate us forit, like loves.
You have no idea the power ofyour just listening to this
podcast.
Right Creates this energeticcommunity of love and acceptance
and you know, as we sharevulnerably here with each other
(31:31):
and with you and gosh, it's justsuch a beautiful corner of the
internet in my opinion.
Beautiful corner of theinternet in my opinion.
All right, catch you onThursday for our next Hidden
Healing Gem and until then, havea beautiful day.
Peace.
Dear Divorce Diary is a podcastby MyCoachDawn.
(31:57):
You can find more atMyCoachDawncom.
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