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Have you ever quietly wondered, as you tuck your kids in at night, if you're unintentionally repeating the same painful cycles you grew up with?
Too many parents—especially in the wake of divorce—lie awake worrying they’re failing their children the same way they once felt failed themselves. It’s so common to fear that, no matter how hard you try, you might be handing down your wounds instead of healing them or that breaking toxic family patterns is just too overwhelming. The good news: you don’t have to be perfect, and the pressure to “do it all” might actually be keeping you stuck.
In this episode, you’ll discover why the fear of “failing your kids” is actually a powerful signal (not proof you’re doing it wrong), learn how to move from fear and overwhelm into a new story of healing, and get practical, therapist-backed tools—like somatic techniques, homeopathy, and powerful mindset shifts—to create true change for you and your children.
Listen now to reclaim hope and simple steps you can take today to break the cycle for good.
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On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
At the end of the night, when you're laying in the
dark thinking I'm scared, I'mfailing my daughter the way I
was failed.
If those words, those thoughtshit a nerve, you are not alone.
We have, literally as girl momsand this applies to boy moms
also shared these fears, andthis episode might be hard to
hear, but it could also be whatthe universe is sending you to
(00:24):
speak to your fears and ifyou're willing to dig into it,
we can rewrite the story.
Hi love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
(00:45):
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
(01:11):
There's no question that divorceis devastating for families,
especially children.
I can tell you as a therapist,that very many people end up on
my sofa and divorce is one ofthe things they certainly
mention as being impactful intheir journey in life.
Right, it's something peopleend up needing to address or
understanding more deeply aboutthemselves when they go to
therapy how divorce impactedthem.
But divorce isn't the mostsignificant thing.
(01:34):
That is potentially repeatingthe cycles for your children.
That's not the thing.
So in today's episode, we'regoing to unpack your fear that
your kids are going through whatyou went through as a sign of
your intention, and what'sreally working for you there and
how we can just sort of refinethat.
(01:55):
We're also going to take a lookat the truth about cycle
breaking, because if cyclebreaking feels overwhelming or
impossible to you, there is areason, and in this episode I'm
going to blow up some of themyths and guilt traps that are
keeping you stuck.
You don't need to do it all.
You need to do it differently.
And then we're going to take alook at what I would do
(02:18):
differently if I were divorcingwith kids all over again.
There are a handful of thingsthat I would absolutely focus on
, and it's not what most of usare told to do, so I will share
what I've learned and how youcan double check right, if
you're focusing on these thingsin your day-to-day life.
Let's dig in.
(02:40):
One of my favorite new finds onInstagram has been the handle
HighLoveParenting with ReemRauda, and she wrote in a post a
little ways back that childrendon't inherit your dreams.
They inherit the wars you neverresolved inside of yourself.
They inherit the rage.
(03:00):
You suppress the shame.
You still carry the fear.
You never spoke out loud.
It's not just your words, theyabsorb, it's your reactions,
your tension, your silence.
Your nervous system becomes thehome they grow up in.
This isn't opinion, it'sbiology.
And you may have promisedyourself I'll give them
everything I never had, but ifyou don't heal, you'll give them
(03:21):
everything you did.
You'll give them everything youdid.
And it's so true that our workhere, that we do on the podcast,
the work that you do coming tothis space, is the most
beautiful and precious gift youcould give your children.
And I want to reassure you thatit does not matter how old your
(03:42):
children are, that it does notmatter how old your children are
Unborn to adults.
This work is the game changerin their lives and in their
capacity for relationship.
But I do want to say that, ifyou're focusing on fear of
breaking the cycle, that we haveto pivot that right.
We have to take a look at howcan we transition this fear that
(04:04):
I'm not breaking the cycle orthat I'm putting my kid through
the same thing right Into a morepositive intention, because
from a law of attractionstandpoint, friend, the universe
does not know the word no, itdoesn't know the word no.
What you focus on is what itbrings you and if you're like,
I'm afraid I'm repeating, I'mafraid I'm repeating, I'm afraid
I'm repeating, it is bringingyou repeating, because that's
(04:29):
what you're focusing on fear andrepeating.
And so the more you rehearsethe fear of repeating, the more
you're keeping your nervoussystem activated in a fear-based
way, which then is just givingyour kids that container of fear
right to function within.
So we want to take that fear, Iwant to honor it, I want you to
be able to feel it and releaseit, get into your body, feel
that, acknowledge it, own it andthen say, all right, I'm going
(04:52):
to refocus it on intention, I amgoing to tackle these closets,
I'm going to clean them out andI am going to be well and from a
law of attraction standpoint,that has to be where we focus.
I know we've been hearing a lotin our community lately that's
you that cycle breaking feelsoverwhelming and sort of
(05:14):
impossible, and so we're goingto get into that later in this
episode, the reasons why thatreally seems to be the case.
But in this part of the episode, what I want to say to you
about that is it's notimpossible and your capacity
right, your capacity forwellness, your capacity for
healing, your capacity to truly,truly find wellness, will be
(05:41):
limited on your beliefs by yourbeliefs right, will be limited
on your beliefs by your beliefs,right.
So if you have been practicinglately the belief that maybe
it's impossible or it'sexhausting, like you're going to
get more of the same of that,and so I cannot say enough.
I know you've heard me talkabout the reticular activating
system.
Man, we talked about that a lotaround here this weekend.
My daughter asked me the otherday she was getting dressed for
(06:04):
school and she's been wearinghair clips a lot lately and
she's like did you like my greenclips?
And I was like my reticularactivating system did not
perceive that at that moment intime, my brain didn't perceive
it needed to notice the color ofyour hair clips, sorry.
And she's like what is areticular activating system?
It's the part of our brain thatfilters information from the
(06:24):
environment based on our beliefs, and its priority is to, number
one, keep us alive and numbertwo, to have us have like a
thriving life, right.
And so it's going to give usdata from our environment that
reinforces our beliefs and helpsus forward our goals.
So I was like, sorry, kiddo,the color of your hair clips
didn't land in that moment right.
Then, as we were sort ofstepping through the weekend, it
(06:46):
came up over and over again,and as we were getting ready, as
we were going to bed last night, she's like, oh, monday, we
always record on Monday.
She's like Mondays are so crazy.
I'm like, oh, look at there,you have programmed your
reticular activating system tonotice all the ways in which
Monday overwhelms you andtherefore you're going to get
more of the same right.
And so it's not woo-woo, it'sscience, it's biology, that what
(07:07):
we believe, what we rehearse,what we think law of attraction
is not hocus-pocus, it isbiology.
And so, while you may feelfeelings of overwhelm and
impossibility, I need you toknow that those are only
thoughts and beliefs and theycan be changed and your RAS can
be reprogrammed and everythingyou desire for yourself and for
your children, unborn or adultor anywhere in between, is
(07:31):
possible, but not if you'redoing it from a place of fear.
It has to start moving, orcontinue to move, in a direction
of abundance, love.
And so I'm so proud of you forbeing aware, for having the
concern.
That fear means you're payingattention.
The fear means you're payingattention.
(07:51):
You're not broken, you're awakeand now let's talk about what
the heck to do about it.
My goodness, all right To allof my girlies who feel like this
cycle breaking crap, especiallyin the midst of divorce, when
you only have control over halfright, tops of their time, maybe
(08:15):
a little more right and thatyou can't control what's not
controllable.
Exactly right.
Let's talk about all the things, the myths and the guilt traps
that we're falling into, thatare keeping you stuck day in and
day out.
Now there are a bajillionwellness experts on the internet
(08:38):
, on the Tiki Taki and on theInstagram and round town.
There are so many wellnessexperts and they're all going to
pitch you supplements.
You need systems, you needtypes of therapy, types of
healing modalities.
They're going to tell you allday long if you just do this, if
you just use this one missingthing, you will be well, and I
(09:02):
can tell you 9.9 times out of 10, it's not the whole story.
It's not the whole story.
And that there is no supplementyou can take that is going to
crack your case.
That's just not a thing.
There's no supplement you cangive your kid, that's going to
crack your case.
Deep transformation is layered.
It is going to require multiplemodalities and it is going to
(09:26):
require an individualizedapproach, an understanding of
really what ails this person andwhat is needed, what needs to
be called to to really transform, and I think that there are a
lot of.
There's a lot of noise outthere right now.
Right, everybody is influencingsomething and we compare
(09:48):
ourselves to those influencersand what they're selling and
what they're pitching and we'relike man, this didn't work for
me.
What's wrong with me?
And I want to say something boldhere, and that is, if you
polled all of those wellnessexperts, influencers, whether
they're therapists or they'resomatic experts, they're nervous
(10:13):
system coaches, they'rewellness gurus, functional
medicine folks, like you name itIf you polled them all and you
ask them, do you have any of thefollowing things?
Here's my list Chronicmigraines, hair loss,
reoccurring BV, bacterialvaginosis, insomnia,
(10:35):
overthinking, gluten intolerance, back pain at 40.
Have you been on anantidepressant for something
like 5, 10, 15, 20 years?
Or an anti-anxiety medicationfor 5, 10, 15, 20 years?
This is just a short list.
I could go on and on and on.
But if you polled all of thosepeople the EMDR therapists, the
somatic coaches, the you name it.
(10:56):
These things still apply tothem and they're telling you
about this robust wellnessthat's available, but they are
still struggling with signs ofnervous system distress, because
gluten intolerance isabsolutely a suppressed trauma.
Nervous system distress symptomBack pain at 40 is not normal
(11:21):
it's common.
It's not normal.
Being on antidepressants formore than six months to two
years not normal.
Six months to two years notnormal, common, not normal.
Hair loss not normal.
Chronic migraines not normal.
(11:42):
So name your symptom rightthere.
Right, but these things are notnormal and we have come to
believe that they're just a partof aging.
Somebody that I know, like andtrust as a news influencer on
Instagram recently, who preachesto us about the dangers of
mainstream media, recently saidto me like I guess 40 is when
you can't eat the foods you loveanymore, and then posted all of
her Tums and her antacids.
And I'm like, no, that's notnormal.
That's not normal for you toneed antacids to eat the foods
(12:05):
you love.
And then what's further is somany therapists I am one are
going to tell you your kid needsa psychiatrist or a therapist,
and the data that we're actuallygetting and you've heard me
reference this book before byAbigail Schreier called Bad
Therapy and the title is BadTherapy, why the Kids Aren't
(12:26):
Growing Up and there are so manyof us that, rather than really
helping ourselves truly heal andtransform our lives and helping
our children heal and transformtheir lives, we're sending them
to therapists, and therapistscannot heal or transform our
children and in fact, like mosttherapists like it was like a
joke in grad school that I'm notdissing therapy, I'm not
(12:47):
dissing therapy, but mosttherapists aren't deeply enough
trained in the layers right ofwhat it means to truly be well,
right, metabolic health, theextent to which dissociation
operates and how.
Like it's just most therapistsjust do not have enough training
in somatics, in trauma, ingenerational inheritance, in you
(13:10):
name it.
And it's just they can't.
They're a tool.
Therapists are a tool, but it'snot by any means going to heal
or transform your child.
We have to do that job.
It's true, if you're feelinglike guilty because you're not
making enough progress andyou're comparing yourself to the
other moms and the otherwellness influencers and it
(13:30):
feels like you're not reallymoving the needle nearly as much
as you'd like to, because yourkids are still melting down and
they're triggering you left andright and anywhere they're
triggering you.
Damn right means that you havesomething unhealed and anytime
they're melting down, there areneeds that are not being
addressed, like yeah, this isreal and the purpose of this
episode is to really help youtake a look at is your current
(13:54):
treatment plan meeting the doseand potency?
Is it robust enough?
Is your treatment plan reallydialed in to make sure that you
are using the tools that are thekey in your lock for your
family, because your family hasa unique set of needs.
I'll tell you what now that myI have this robust community of
(14:17):
other therapists right that Iknow and have talked to and
built a Rolodex of throughout mycareer, but now that I have
this Rolodex of homeopaths, alsoright to the moms who have the
ADHD pans and pandas, kids andyou know, who have these neuro
not neurotypical presentations,like kids with these
(14:40):
hypersensitivities and wherelife just feels overwhelming to
them, like you have an evenharder love and the traditional
techniques that you're hearingpeople talk about like it's not
going to get you there and youcould feel like you are hitting
your head against the wall, notmaking progress, and feel like
giving up more often than I wantyou to.
And so if you're feeling likeit doesn't work, I think that
(15:03):
means you need a differentapproach and plan.
Let me go back for just a momentand say what I mean by pans or
pandas kids.
So these are children that havepediatric autoimmune
neuropsychiatric disorders,right, and it's associated with
chronic strep infections,pediatric acute onset
(15:23):
neuropsychiatric symptoms.
So these are kids who can havetics, adhd, maybe autism
spectrum disorder, things reallysensitive to their environments
.
Life can feel very overwhelmingto them.
They're not typicalneurological processors, right.
(15:43):
So there's these just so manykids these days that have these
sort of mounting, that havethese sort of mounting
challenges.
And so, if you've not heard ofthe label, quite frankly, pandas
or pans it's this sort ofemerging way of categorizing
(16:05):
children that have these deepstruggles with just sort of
functioning in modern life.
Right, and who could blame them?
Because functioning in modernlife is so challenging, but for
these sweet kiddos, like, it'sthat much more challenging.
But we are really starting to,from a scientific perspective,
understand what is creating thatand then we have so many ways
to really start treating iteffectively.
So I think that there is a lotof comorbidity, meaning for
(16:29):
families that are divorcing, Ithink that you are more likely
to have pans panda's kids, right, it is just more common.
These things overlap, right.
We have trauma that tends tolead to, you know, having
nervous system dysfunction andhaving attachment style issues,
and so then, therefore, we pickpartners that have similar
issues, and then that tends to,then we make children with with
(16:53):
these conditions, and then ittends to lead to divorce.
And then you know, all of thisstuff, it just is like a
snowball, right.
And so it's like gosh, I'm thewoman getting divorced who needs
more support, I need more love,I need more answers, and now I
seem to have more problems thanthe person who isn't.
Why is that right?
And it's because all of theseissues sort of snowball one into
(17:16):
the other.
And so for my single mamas whohave the particularly challenged
kids, like yes, I see you, thisis real, and the common
conversations about how to cyclebreak, it doesn't apply the
same because of the unique andlayered challenges you are
facing.
(17:38):
So let's talk about what I wouldspecifically do differently if
I were getting divorced all overagain and I had children.
What would I focus on and whatwould I do differently to make
sure that I was moving in thedirection of breaking a cycle.
It is not a switch that getsflipped.
It is a process.
It is layered and it is onethat requires oodles of patience
(17:59):
with self and your kiddos.
Right, it is.
It is.
And I will tell you over here,as producer Joy and I were
sitting here planning thisepisode, and we were talking
about the tools we use and howwe've gotten to where we are and
why we're so confident in thisand that.
And we were talking about thetools we use and how we've
gotten to where we are and whywe're so confident and this and
that.
And we were like okay, but nowrewind time and picture us
without these tools, right, whatlife would feel like?
And honestly, I think my answerwould be probably like vaguely
(18:22):
suicidal, you know, likeimpossible, shut down.
I would feel incredibly shutdown, hopeless and helpless, I
think, a lot of the time.
And so when I say to you this iswhat I would do if I were doing
it over again, the tools thatwe use today I did not have when
I was getting divorced right,and so that is so much of what
this podcast is is bringing youlike, here are the things that I
(18:45):
would focus on so that you canmove through this in a profound
way.
So the first thing I would dois I would make sure to slow
everything down.
One of the things I see overand over again is this sort of
overcommitment to afterschoolthings.
I hear so many single momshaving to have multiple jobs.
This is real right, and so Ithink that sometimes when we say
(19:08):
no to our kids about doingthings or going places or being
involved in things, like we feelguilt.
That's one of those guilt trapsyou've got to get out of right.
So slowing down would be anessential element that I would
focus on.
I would also focus on somatictools and techniques.
So that's the capacity to feeland discharge our feelings from
(19:31):
our bodies.
The soma just means, in Latinright, body, and so the capacity
to feel and express emotionfrom a physical place.
So I would make sure thatmyself and my children were able
to physically express sadness,anger, insecurity.
I would make sure we were doingthings like EFT tapping or
(19:52):
butterfly tapping, that we weredoing things like pillow
throwing, that we were doingthings like humming and ear
massage all these sort ofsomatic techniques where we're
able to identify where thefeeling is in the body and find
a way to physically express ordischarge it, really focusing on
exchanging suppression forexpression.
And I think that we often don'trealize the extent to which we
(20:15):
have suppressive language andhabits inside of us and the way
that we hand those things down.
I know, just in terms of beinga parent with a kid in public
school or like school just likejust school is how many times in
a week I tell my kid tosuppress something so that she
can go function in that schoolenvironment, and I think that
(20:37):
it's profoundly working againstwhat we're trying to do in terms
of healing nervous system here.
So number one is slowing down.
Number two is an emphasis onsomatic expression of emotion.
Number three is homeopathy.
I do not believe that thepromises that wellness
influencers, therapists, somaticcoaches you name it promise you
on the internet can be achievedwithout homeopathy.
(20:59):
That is a wild thing to say.
I believe that everything inlife exists on a bell curve, so
it's not all or nothing.
I do believe that some of thosewellness professionals do get
good results with theirtechniques, but again, it's
going to be on a bell curve.
Wellness professionals do getgood results with their
techniques, but again it's goingto be on a bell curve.
The majority of people are goingto have the majority of the
struggle and the majority ofthem are still going to have
suppressed traumas and inheritedthings in their nervous systems
(21:23):
and their tools.
Like, have you ever heard anadvertisement and then seen an
asterisk?
Or heard somebody say, likeresults not typical, right, the
case study they're presenting?
Those results are not typical.
Most people get an averageamount of results from things
and the amount of distress andstruggle that you're
(21:44):
experiencing it's not average.
It's above average, right, andso you're going to need above
average solutions.
And, as producer Joy and I weresitting here and saying, like,
wow, healing is no longerfeeling like an uphill battle.
For us, homeopathy isfoundational to how we got there
.
We use all these things butneither of us believe we could
be where we are today withouthomeopathy.
(22:05):
And that goes for us and itgoes for our children.
A lot of times you know, likehere on the podcast, right, I
help a lot of women usehomeopathy more and more and
more.
Like we're working more withmore and more of you inside our
free community in the Heartbeatapp and we're shipping more
boxes of remedies out to each ofyou and it's very, very cool to
watch.
But, like your kids, your kidsneed a homeopath and if you need
(22:27):
a referral, I'm happy toprovide one.
The fourth thing I would focuson is the law of attraction.
You, we all, need a path, aguide, right to like um, yes, a
path to follow, to study, tokeep our thoughts going in a
good, right direction.
(22:47):
Right, and I believe very, verymuch that.
You know I was raised christian.
I've certainly studied manyother religions and love, love
them, but I believe that thebible is very, very much
specifically the new testament,but and specifically the things
that jesus, the words in red,are in line with the law of
attraction.
We need a way, and I amparticularly fond of the law of
(23:11):
attraction because I had so muchreligious trauma, so I love now
sort of weaving the twotogether.
I was just sharing a book withproducer Joy today called um
Hinds, feet in High Places, andit's a beautiful Christian book
from 1975.
I read while I was gettingdivorced and it is absolutely
the law of attraction interwovenwith scripture.
It's beautiful, but for me, thelaw of attraction it's a law
(23:34):
and I understand how it worksand it guides my life and it is
the thing that I come back toand I think for many people that
can be scripture.
But I think that for most of usour faith is not alive.
We are depressed, we aresuppressed and faith doesn't
feel alive.
It feels like words in a book,on a page, and it often feels
like God has made these promisesbut there's no evidence of them
(23:54):
in my life and I am sort ofresentful, maybe, of God and I'm
questioning God's existence andhis grace.
And for me, when I was in thosespots, law of attraction was
able to bring me back to God.
So I would focus on the law ofattraction.
This next one is interesting,super, super important.
Can't emphasize this one enough.
I would focus on curiosity.
We are so damn judgmental, andespecially with our kids, when
(24:18):
we are triggered and I don'tmean upset, like you know, my
kid knows that when I'm angryI'm often scared.
And when I'm angry with her andit's actually I'm scared,
that's a trigger.
When I'm angry with her and I'mjust angry, that's less a
trigger, that's just like I'mangry and I'm expressing my
anger and that's a healthy,appropriate, boundary setting
expression with her.
But very often when we aretriggered, our kids have tapped
(24:42):
into our pain, our stuff thatneeds to be healed and the more
we can get curious and lessjudgmental of ourselves, of our
children, of our environment, ofour exes, of all the things
that we're going through.
You cannot heal from a place ofjudgment.
I'm going to say that again youcannot heal from a place of
judgment.
You cannot heal from a place ofjudgment.
(25:03):
So, focusing on getting curious, being curious with your
children and with yourself, it'san integral thing that, if you
just swapped that out like,would be so powerful in your
healing journey.
And the final thing I wouldfocus on is community, and that
community could take on a lot offorms, but it needs to have
these three pillars.
If your community does notinclude support, accountability
(25:28):
and wisdom, it's not cutting the, cutting the whatever I'm
trying to say there, right?
So your community, your supportsystem, it has to have support,
but it also has to haveaccountability.
These people, whoever they are,they need to reliably be able
to point out your blind spotsand call you on your shit and
lovingly show you where you are.
You know, reenacting thepatterns you're trying to break
(25:50):
with your kiddos.
And it also needs to come froma place of wisdom, not just
their opinion, not just a storythey heard like.
It needs to be rooted andgrounded and they need to have
gone ahead of you, right.
They need to have experience inthe things you're working
through.
There's that saying right?
That says never take advicefrom someone who doesn't have
the thing that you want.
(26:10):
And so if your community thatyou're taking advice from
doesn't have the thing that youwant, I need you to take a look
at is the dose and potency goingdeep enough?
Is the solution broad enough?
Because when we are feelingoverwhelmed and like the thing
(26:31):
we're being called to do isimpossible, something is off,
something is missing.
So check it out.
Are you slowing down?
Are you using somatics?
Have you tried homeopathy?
Would you even consider?
Do you have resistance to yourkids using homeopathy?
That's something I really wantyou to take a deep look at.
And why Are you practicing thelaw of attraction?
Do you know what it is?
Or the words in red in theBible, right, like?
Are you really living by thatand not just cafeteria style,
(26:55):
like living by it when it'sconvenient, but I mean in the
tight, hard, dark, twisty spaces?
Are you living by the law ofattraction?
Are you practicing curiosityday in and day out?
And do you have a strongcommunity that supports you,
holds you accountable and iscoming from a place of wisdom.
This is what it takes to breakthe cycle.
There are a million otherthings you could do in there as
(27:17):
well.
Right, you could follow thisbeautiful woman on Instagram,
and I am going to.
Thursday's episode is going tocover one of her new journals,
so stay tuned for that onThursday, right?
But you could follow High LoveParenting, reem Rhoda on
Instagram and you could checkout our Thursday episode, where
(27:39):
I am going to be covering mybasically right review of her
recent like parent child journal, which I love.
So that will be this week'sThursday episode.
Have a beautiful day.
I love you so much.
Peace, dear Divorce Diary is apodcast by my coach, john.
(28:03):
You can find more atmycoachjohncom.
At the end of the night, when you're laying in the
dark thinking I'm scared, I'mfailing my daughter the way I
was failed.
If those words, those thoughtshit a nerve, you are not alone.
We have, literally as girl momsand this applies to boy moms
also shared these fears, andthis episode might be hard to
hear, but it could also be whatthe universe is sending you to
(00:24):
speak to your fears and ifyou're willing to dig into it,
we can rewrite the story.
Hi love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
(00:45):
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
(01:11):
There's no question that divorceis devastating for families,
especially children.
I can tell you as a therapist,that very many people end up on
my sofa and divorce is one ofthe things they certainly
mention as being impactful intheir journey in life.
Right, it's something peopleend up needing to address or
understanding more deeply aboutthemselves when they go to
therapy how divorce impactedthem.
But divorce isn't the mostsignificant thing.
(01:34):
That is potentially repeatingthe cycles for your children.
That's not the thing.
So in today's episode, we'regoing to unpack your fear that
your kids are going through whatyou went through as a sign of
your intention, and what'sreally working for you there and
how we can just sort of refinethat.
(01:55):
We're also going to take a lookat the truth about cycle
breaking, because if cyclebreaking feels overwhelming or
impossible to you, there is areason, and in this episode I'm
going to blow up some of themyths and guilt traps that are
keeping you stuck.
You don't need to do it all.
You need to do it differently.
And then we're going to take alook at what I would do
(02:18):
differently if I were divorcingwith kids all over again.
There are a handful of thingsthat I would absolutely focus on
, and it's not what most of usare told to do, so I will share
what I've learned and how youcan double check right, if
you're focusing on these thingsin your day-to-day life.
Let's dig in.
(02:40):
One of my favorite new finds onInstagram has been the handle
HighLoveParenting with ReemRauda, and she wrote in a post a
little ways back that childrendon't inherit your dreams.
They inherit the wars you neverresolved inside of yourself.
They inherit the rage.
(03:00):
You suppress the shame.
You still carry the fear.
You never spoke out loud.
It's not just your words, theyabsorb, it's your reactions,
your tension, your silence.
Your nervous system becomes thehome they grow up in.
This isn't opinion, it'sbiology.
And you may have promisedyourself I'll give them
everything I never had, but ifyou don't heal, you'll give them
(03:21):
everything you did.
You'll give them everything youdid.
And it's so true that our workhere, that we do on the podcast,
the work that you do coming tothis space, is the most
beautiful and precious gift youcould give your children.
And I want to reassure you thatit does not matter how old your
(03:42):
children are, that it does notmatter how old your children are
Unborn to adults.
This work is the game changerin their lives and in their
capacity for relationship.
But I do want to say that, ifyou're focusing on fear of
breaking the cycle, that we haveto pivot that right.
We have to take a look at howcan we transition this fear that
(04:04):
I'm not breaking the cycle orthat I'm putting my kid through
the same thing right Into a morepositive intention, because
from a law of attractionstandpoint, friend, the universe
does not know the word no, itdoesn't know the word no.
What you focus on is what itbrings you and if you're like,
I'm afraid I'm repeating, I'mafraid I'm repeating, I'm afraid
I'm repeating, it is bringingyou repeating, because that's
(04:29):
what you're focusing on fear andrepeating.
And so the more you rehearsethe fear of repeating, the more
you're keeping your nervoussystem activated in a fear-based
way, which then is just givingyour kids that container of fear
right to function within.
So we want to take that fear, Iwant to honor it, I want you to
be able to feel it and releaseit, get into your body, feel
that, acknowledge it, own it andthen say, all right, I'm going
(04:52):
to refocus it on intention, I amgoing to tackle these closets,
I'm going to clean them out andI am going to be well and from a
law of attraction standpoint,that has to be where we focus.
I know we've been hearing a lotin our community lately that's
you that cycle breaking feelsoverwhelming and sort of
(05:14):
impossible, and so we're goingto get into that later in this
episode, the reasons why thatreally seems to be the case.
But in this part of the episode, what I want to say to you
about that is it's notimpossible and your capacity
right, your capacity forwellness, your capacity for
healing, your capacity to truly,truly find wellness, will be
(05:41):
limited on your beliefs by yourbeliefs right, will be limited
on your beliefs by your beliefs,right.
So if you have been practicinglately the belief that maybe
it's impossible or it'sexhausting, like you're going to
get more of the same of that,and so I cannot say enough.
I know you've heard me talkabout the reticular activating
system.
Man, we talked about that a lotaround here this weekend.
My daughter asked me the otherday she was getting dressed for
(06:04):
school and she's been wearinghair clips a lot lately and
she's like did you like my greenclips?
And I was like my reticularactivating system did not
perceive that at that moment intime, my brain didn't perceive
it needed to notice the color ofyour hair clips, sorry.
And she's like what is areticular activating system?
It's the part of our brain thatfilters information from the
(06:24):
environment based on our beliefs, and its priority is to, number
one, keep us alive and numbertwo, to have us have like a
thriving life, right.
And so it's going to give usdata from our environment that
reinforces our beliefs and helpsus forward our goals.
So I was like, sorry, kiddo,the color of your hair clips
didn't land in that moment right.
Then, as we were sort ofstepping through the weekend, it
(06:46):
came up over and over again,and as we were getting ready, as
we were going to bed last night, she's like, oh, monday, we
always record on Monday.
She's like Mondays are so crazy.
I'm like, oh, look at there,you have programmed your
reticular activating system tonotice all the ways in which
Monday overwhelms you andtherefore you're going to get
more of the same right.
And so it's not woo-woo, it'sscience, it's biology, that what
(07:07):
we believe, what we rehearse,what we think law of attraction
is not hocus-pocus, it isbiology.
And so, while you may feelfeelings of overwhelm and
impossibility, I need you toknow that those are only
thoughts and beliefs and theycan be changed and your RAS can
be reprogrammed and everythingyou desire for yourself and for
your children, unborn or adultor anywhere in between, is
(07:31):
possible, but not if you'redoing it from a place of fear.
It has to start moving, orcontinue to move, in a direction
of abundance, love.
And so I'm so proud of you forbeing aware, for having the
concern.
That fear means you're payingattention.
The fear means you're payingattention.
(07:51):
You're not broken, you're awakeand now let's talk about what
the heck to do about it.
My goodness, all right To allof my girlies who feel like this
cycle breaking crap, especiallyin the midst of divorce, when
you only have control over halfright, tops of their time, maybe
(08:15):
a little more right and thatyou can't control what's not
controllable.
Exactly right.
Let's talk about all the things, the myths and the guilt traps
that we're falling into, thatare keeping you stuck day in and
day out.
Now there are a bajillionwellness experts on the internet
(08:38):
, on the Tiki Taki and on theInstagram and round town.
There are so many wellnessexperts and they're all going to
pitch you supplements.
You need systems, you needtypes of therapy, types of
healing modalities.
They're going to tell you allday long if you just do this, if
you just use this one missingthing, you will be well, and I
(09:02):
can tell you 9.9 times out of 10, it's not the whole story.
It's not the whole story.
And that there is no supplementyou can take that is going to
crack your case.
That's just not a thing.
There's no supplement you cangive your kid, that's going to
crack your case.
Deep transformation is layered.
It is going to require multiplemodalities and it is going to
(09:26):
require an individualizedapproach, an understanding of
really what ails this person andwhat is needed, what needs to
be called to to really transform, and I think that there are a
lot of.
There's a lot of noise outthere right now.
Right, everybody is influencingsomething and we compare
(09:48):
ourselves to those influencersand what they're selling and
what they're pitching and we'relike man, this didn't work for
me.
What's wrong with me?
And I want to say something boldhere, and that is, if you
polled all of those wellnessexperts, influencers, whether
they're therapists or they'resomatic experts, they're nervous
(10:13):
system coaches, they'rewellness gurus, functional
medicine folks, like you name itIf you polled them all and you
ask them, do you have any of thefollowing things?
Here's my list Chronicmigraines, hair loss,
reoccurring BV, bacterialvaginosis, insomnia,
(10:35):
overthinking, gluten intolerance, back pain at 40.
Have you been on anantidepressant for something
like 5, 10, 15, 20 years?
Or an anti-anxiety medicationfor 5, 10, 15, 20 years?
This is just a short list.
I could go on and on and on.
But if you polled all of thosepeople the EMDR therapists, the
somatic coaches, the you name it.
(10:56):
These things still apply tothem and they're telling you
about this robust wellnessthat's available, but they are
still struggling with signs ofnervous system distress, because
gluten intolerance isabsolutely a suppressed trauma.
Nervous system distress symptomBack pain at 40 is not normal
(11:21):
it's common.
It's not normal.
Being on antidepressants formore than six months to two
years not normal.
Six months to two years notnormal, common, not normal.
Hair loss not normal.
Chronic migraines not normal.
(11:42):
So name your symptom rightthere.
Right, but these things are notnormal and we have come to
believe that they're just a partof aging.
Somebody that I know, like andtrust as a news influencer on
Instagram recently, who preachesto us about the dangers of
mainstream media, recently saidto me like I guess 40 is when
you can't eat the foods you loveanymore, and then posted all of
her Tums and her antacids.
And I'm like, no, that's notnormal.
That's not normal for you toneed antacids to eat the foods
(12:05):
you love.
And then what's further is somany therapists I am one are
going to tell you your kid needsa psychiatrist or a therapist,
and the data that we're actuallygetting and you've heard me
reference this book before byAbigail Schreier called Bad
Therapy and the title is BadTherapy, why the Kids Aren't
(12:26):
Growing Up and there are so manyof us that, rather than really
helping ourselves truly heal andtransform our lives and helping
our children heal and transformtheir lives, we're sending them
to therapists, and therapistscannot heal or transform our
children and in fact, like mosttherapists like it was like a
joke in grad school that I'm notdissing therapy, I'm not
(12:47):
dissing therapy, but mosttherapists aren't deeply enough
trained in the layers right ofwhat it means to truly be well,
right, metabolic health, theextent to which dissociation
operates and how.
Like it's just most therapistsjust do not have enough training
in somatics, in trauma, ingenerational inheritance, in you
(13:10):
name it.
And it's just they can't.
They're a tool.
Therapists are a tool, but it'snot by any means going to heal
or transform your child.
We have to do that job.
It's true, if you're feelinglike guilty because you're not
making enough progress andyou're comparing yourself to the
other moms and the otherwellness influencers and it
(13:30):
feels like you're not reallymoving the needle nearly as much
as you'd like to, because yourkids are still melting down and
they're triggering you left andright and anywhere they're
triggering you.
Damn right means that you havesomething unhealed and anytime
they're melting down, there areneeds that are not being
addressed, like yeah, this isreal and the purpose of this
episode is to really help youtake a look at is your current
(13:54):
treatment plan meeting the doseand potency?
Is it robust enough?
Is your treatment plan reallydialed in to make sure that you
are using the tools that are thekey in your lock for your
family, because your family hasa unique set of needs.
I'll tell you what now that myI have this robust community of
(14:17):
other therapists right that Iknow and have talked to and
built a Rolodex of throughout mycareer, but now that I have
this Rolodex of homeopaths, alsoright to the moms who have the
ADHD pans and pandas, kids andyou know, who have these neuro
not neurotypical presentations,like kids with these
(14:40):
hypersensitivities and wherelife just feels overwhelming to
them, like you have an evenharder love and the traditional
techniques that you're hearingpeople talk about like it's not
going to get you there and youcould feel like you are hitting
your head against the wall, notmaking progress, and feel like
giving up more often than I wantyou to.
And so if you're feeling likeit doesn't work, I think that
(15:03):
means you need a differentapproach and plan.
Let me go back for just a momentand say what I mean by pans or
pandas kids.
So these are children that havepediatric autoimmune
neuropsychiatric disorders,right, and it's associated with
chronic strep infections,pediatric acute onset
(15:23):
neuropsychiatric symptoms.
So these are kids who can havetics, adhd, maybe autism
spectrum disorder, things reallysensitive to their environments
.
Life can feel very overwhelmingto them.
They're not typicalneurological processors, right.
(15:43):
So there's these just so manykids these days that have these
sort of mounting, that havethese sort of mounting
challenges.
And so, if you've not heard ofthe label, quite frankly, pandas
or pans it's this sort ofemerging way of categorizing
(16:05):
children that have these deepstruggles with just sort of
functioning in modern life.
Right, and who could blame them?
Because functioning in modernlife is so challenging, but for
these sweet kiddos, like, it'sthat much more challenging.
But we are really starting to,from a scientific perspective,
understand what is creating thatand then we have so many ways
to really start treating iteffectively.
So I think that there is a lotof comorbidity, meaning for
(16:29):
families that are divorcing, Ithink that you are more likely
to have pans panda's kids, right, it is just more common.
These things overlap, right.
We have trauma that tends tolead to, you know, having
nervous system dysfunction andhaving attachment style issues,
and so then, therefore, we pickpartners that have similar
issues, and then that tends to,then we make children with with
(16:53):
these conditions, and then ittends to lead to divorce.
And then you know, all of thisstuff, it just is like a
snowball, right.
And so it's like gosh, I'm thewoman getting divorced who needs
more support, I need more love,I need more answers, and now I
seem to have more problems thanthe person who isn't.
Why is that right?
And it's because all of theseissues sort of snowball one into
(17:16):
the other.
And so for my single mamas whohave the particularly challenged
kids, like yes, I see you, thisis real, and the common
conversations about how to cyclebreak, it doesn't apply the
same because of the unique andlayered challenges you are
facing.
(17:38):
So let's talk about what I wouldspecifically do differently if
I were getting divorced all overagain and I had children.
What would I focus on and whatwould I do differently to make
sure that I was moving in thedirection of breaking a cycle.
It is not a switch that getsflipped.
It is a process.
It is layered and it is onethat requires oodles of patience
(17:59):
with self and your kiddos.
Right, it is.
It is.
And I will tell you over here,as producer Joy and I were
sitting here planning thisepisode, and we were talking
about the tools we use and howwe've gotten to where we are and
why we're so confident in thisand that.
And we were talking about thetools we use and how we've
gotten to where we are and whywe're so confident and this and
that.
And we were like okay, but nowrewind time and picture us
without these tools, right, whatlife would feel like?
And honestly, I think my answerwould be probably like vaguely
(18:22):
suicidal, you know, likeimpossible, shut down.
I would feel incredibly shutdown, hopeless and helpless, I
think, a lot of the time.
And so when I say to you this iswhat I would do if I were doing
it over again, the tools thatwe use today I did not have when
I was getting divorced right,and so that is so much of what
this podcast is is bringing youlike, here are the things that I
(18:45):
would focus on so that you canmove through this in a profound
way.
So the first thing I would dois I would make sure to slow
everything down.
One of the things I see overand over again is this sort of
overcommitment to afterschoolthings.
I hear so many single momshaving to have multiple jobs.
This is real right, and so Ithink that sometimes when we say
(19:08):
no to our kids about doingthings or going places or being
involved in things, like we feelguilt.
That's one of those guilt trapsyou've got to get out of right.
So slowing down would be anessential element that I would
focus on.
I would also focus on somatictools and techniques.
So that's the capacity to feeland discharge our feelings from
(19:31):
our bodies.
The soma just means, in Latinright, body, and so the capacity
to feel and express emotionfrom a physical place.
So I would make sure thatmyself and my children were able
to physically express sadness,anger, insecurity.
I would make sure we were doingthings like EFT tapping or
(19:52):
butterfly tapping, that we weredoing things like pillow
throwing, that we were doingthings like humming and ear
massage all these sort ofsomatic techniques where we're
able to identify where thefeeling is in the body and find
a way to physically express ordischarge it, really focusing on
exchanging suppression forexpression.
And I think that we often don'trealize the extent to which we
(20:15):
have suppressive language andhabits inside of us and the way
that we hand those things down.
I know, just in terms of beinga parent with a kid in public
school or like school just likejust school is how many times in
a week I tell my kid tosuppress something so that she
can go function in that schoolenvironment, and I think that
(20:37):
it's profoundly working againstwhat we're trying to do in terms
of healing nervous system here.
So number one is slowing down.
Number two is an emphasis onsomatic expression of emotion.
Number three is homeopathy.
I do not believe that thepromises that wellness
influencers, therapists, somaticcoaches you name it promise you
on the internet can be achievedwithout homeopathy.
(20:59):
That is a wild thing to say.
I believe that everything inlife exists on a bell curve, so
it's not all or nothing.
I do believe that some of thosewellness professionals do get
good results with theirtechniques, but again, it's
going to be on a bell curve.
Wellness professionals do getgood results with their
techniques, but again it's goingto be on a bell curve.
The majority of people are goingto have the majority of the
struggle and the majority ofthem are still going to have
suppressed traumas and inheritedthings in their nervous systems
(21:23):
and their tools.
Like, have you ever heard anadvertisement and then seen an
asterisk?
Or heard somebody say, likeresults not typical, right, the
case study they're presenting?
Those results are not typical.
Most people get an averageamount of results from things
and the amount of distress andstruggle that you're
(21:44):
experiencing it's not average.
It's above average, right, andso you're going to need above
average solutions.
And, as producer Joy and I weresitting here and saying, like,
wow, healing is no longerfeeling like an uphill battle.
For us, homeopathy isfoundational to how we got there
.
We use all these things butneither of us believe we could
be where we are today withouthomeopathy.
(22:05):
And that goes for us and itgoes for our children.
A lot of times you know, likehere on the podcast, right, I
help a lot of women usehomeopathy more and more and
more.
Like we're working more withmore and more of you inside our
free community in the Heartbeatapp and we're shipping more
boxes of remedies out to each ofyou and it's very, very cool to
watch.
But, like your kids, your kidsneed a homeopath and if you need
(22:27):
a referral, I'm happy toprovide one.
The fourth thing I would focuson is the law of attraction.
You, we all, need a path, aguide, right to like um, yes, a
path to follow, to study, tokeep our thoughts going in a
good, right direction.
(22:47):
Right, and I believe very, verymuch that.
You know I was raised christian.
I've certainly studied manyother religions and love, love
them, but I believe that thebible is very, very much
specifically the new testament,but and specifically the things
that jesus, the words in red,are in line with the law of
attraction.
We need a way, and I amparticularly fond of the law of
(23:11):
attraction because I had so muchreligious trauma, so I love now
sort of weaving the twotogether.
I was just sharing a book withproducer Joy today called um
Hinds, feet in High Places, andit's a beautiful Christian book
from 1975.
I read while I was gettingdivorced and it is absolutely
the law of attraction interwovenwith scripture.
It's beautiful, but for me, thelaw of attraction it's a law
(23:34):
and I understand how it worksand it guides my life and it is
the thing that I come back toand I think for many people that
can be scripture.
But I think that for most of usour faith is not alive.
We are depressed, we aresuppressed and faith doesn't
feel alive.
It feels like words in a book,on a page, and it often feels
like God has made these promisesbut there's no evidence of them
(23:54):
in my life and I am sort ofresentful, maybe, of God and I'm
questioning God's existence andhis grace.
And for me, when I was in thosespots, law of attraction was
able to bring me back to God.
So I would focus on the law ofattraction.
This next one is interesting,super, super important.
Can't emphasize this one enough.
I would focus on curiosity.
We are so damn judgmental, andespecially with our kids, when
(24:18):
we are triggered and I don'tmean upset, like you know, my
kid knows that when I'm angryI'm often scared.
And when I'm angry with her andit's actually I'm scared,
that's a trigger.
When I'm angry with her and I'mjust angry, that's less a
trigger, that's just like I'mangry and I'm expressing my
anger and that's a healthy,appropriate, boundary setting
expression with her.
But very often when we aretriggered, our kids have tapped
(24:42):
into our pain, our stuff thatneeds to be healed and the more
we can get curious and lessjudgmental of ourselves, of our
children, of our environment, ofour exes, of all the things
that we're going through.
You cannot heal from a place ofjudgment.
I'm going to say that again youcannot heal from a place of
judgment.
You cannot heal from a place ofjudgment.
(25:03):
So, focusing on getting curious, being curious with your
children and with yourself, it'san integral thing that, if you
just swapped that out like,would be so powerful in your
healing journey.
And the final thing I wouldfocus on is community, and that
community could take on a lot offorms, but it needs to have
these three pillars.
If your community does notinclude support, accountability
(25:28):
and wisdom, it's not cutting the, cutting the whatever I'm
trying to say there, right?
So your community, your supportsystem, it has to have support,
but it also has to haveaccountability.
These people, whoever they are,they need to reliably be able
to point out your blind spotsand call you on your shit and
lovingly show you where you are.
You know, reenacting thepatterns you're trying to break
(25:50):
with your kiddos.
And it also needs to come froma place of wisdom, not just
their opinion, not just a storythey heard like.
It needs to be rooted andgrounded and they need to have
gone ahead of you, right.
They need to have experience inthe things you're working
through.
There's that saying right?
That says never take advicefrom someone who doesn't have
the thing that you want.
(26:10):
And so if your community thatyou're taking advice from
doesn't have the thing that youwant, I need you to take a look
at is the dose and potency goingdeep enough?
Is the solution broad enough?
Because when we are feelingoverwhelmed and like the thing
(26:31):
we're being called to do isimpossible, something is off,
something is missing.
So check it out.
Are you slowing down?
Are you using somatics?
Have you tried homeopathy?
Would you even consider?
Do you have resistance to yourkids using homeopathy?
That's something I really wantyou to take a deep look at.
And why Are you practicing thelaw of attraction?
Do you know what it is?
Or the words in red in theBible, right, like?
Are you really living by thatand not just cafeteria style,
(26:55):
like living by it when it'sconvenient, but I mean in the
tight, hard, dark, twisty spaces?
Are you living by the law ofattraction?
Are you practicing curiosityday in and day out?
And do you have a strongcommunity that supports you,
holds you accountable and iscoming from a place of wisdom.
This is what it takes to breakthe cycle.
There are a million otherthings you could do in there as
(27:17):
well.
Right, you could follow thisbeautiful woman on Instagram,
and I am going to.
Thursday's episode is going tocover one of her new journals,
so stay tuned for that onThursday, right?
But you could follow High LoveParenting, reem Rhoda on
Instagram and you could checkout our Thursday episode, where
(27:39):
I am going to be covering mybasically right review of her
recent like parent child journal, which I love.
So that will be this week'sThursday episode.
Have a beautiful day.
I love you so much.
Peace, dear Divorce Diary is apodcast by my coach, john.
(28:03):
You can find more atmycoachjohncom.
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