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Have you ever caught yourself reaching for the phone to share a big win or tough moment, only to realize the one person who always got it is no longer there?
If you’re navigating life after divorce, you know that the ache of losing not just your partner, but your most intimate witness to life’s highs and lows, can feel isolating and overwhelming. Maybe you’re wondering if you’ll ever find that deep sense of connection and belonging again, or if you’re stuck grieving the dream you thought you were living.
In this episode, you’ll learn how to break free from the fairy-tale illusion of what your relationships “should” have been, discover how to reclaim intimacy and meaningful connection after heartbreak, and use grief as a powerful portal to reconnect with your higher self and source energy.
Press play now to start healing the ache of loneliness and rediscover the deep, soul-nourishing connection you’re craving, even after loss.
Post Divorce Roadmap - 21 Days of Guided Journaling
Join The list for A Different D Word, our personalized healing program.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dawnwiggins/
On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
Click HERE To Attend Somatic Workshop For Releasing 'What Could've Been'
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You didn't just lose a partner.
You lost that one person whoused to celebrate your child's
firsts, grieve the hard dayswith you and witness your
becoming in life.
What do you do with that achewhen there's no one to turn to,
who really gets it in thatintimate way anymore?
Hi love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
(00:27):
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
In today's episode, we aregoing to shatter the concept of
(00:59):
the fairy tale relationship thatkeeps this grief kind of stuck
in a loop.
We're also going to talk aboutthe need for intimacy and
belonging, because they don'tdie when your marriage ended, so
we have to make sure we have aplan for that.
And we're also going to talkabout grief as a portal to
refocus on source energy or ahigher perspective, and how to
(01:22):
actually do that.
When the grief hits energy or ahigher perspective, and how to
actually do that when the griefhits.
One of the most popular podcastepisodes we've recorded in the
history of the podcast is theone that's titled approximately.
This wasn't supposed to be mylife.
There is something about theloss of a dream, the loss of how
(01:46):
I thought it was going to go,the sort of vision I had for my
life, my family, my marriage,what I thought was something
about.
All of that hits us at such adeep level.
It seems very, very difficultfor many of us to move past that
moment and not be haunted by itfor an extended period of time.
(02:08):
The idea that my life isn'tgoing the way I thought it was
going to go.
It is a very surreal, verydysregulating, disorienting
experience, and I think veryoften we get stuck in this idea
of how it was supposed to be,and I think that many of us have
(02:29):
sort of fallen prey to thisidea over the last couple of
decades.
I think there was this beautifulthing that came with the
explosion of the mental healthconversation over the last
couple of decades.
I think the more that we werelearning about what it means to
be emotionally mature, the morewe were learning how attachment
(02:51):
styles affected us as children,the more we were learning about
somatics and mental wellness ingeneral.
I think we started to see howmany things in our lives were
maybe not in alignment, right?
How many of us were raised byparents who were not as
(03:14):
well-versed in mental health aswe wish they would have been and
we sort of gave in to theDisney version of what a
relationship or a family issupposed to look like and it got
in us in some way right and itlet us start to believe that we
are victims and that we'reentitled to a better way of
having marriage and family andrelationships.
(03:35):
And very, very, very often intherapy, people will say to me
where would I be today?
I think about if they had justdone it this way, if my ex had
just done X, y, z, or if myparents had just done this or
that differently, where could Ibe today?
I would be in a different place.
And all of that love.
I'm going to say somethingreally hard right now.
(03:57):
Right, all of that is anillusion and it's a fairy tale
and we have to burn it down.
When we tell ourselves that wewould be in a better place if it
weren't for hardship, we arelying to ourselves, because it
literally is the hardship thatallows us to be sanctified, to
(04:18):
be purified, to be grown, to bematured.
Now it is not just hardshipalone that creates maturity.
We know that because there arelots of people who experience
hardships in life and they don'tbecome mature as a result of it
.
But if we look at what are theprimary ingredients we need in
order to grow, in order totransform, in order to become
(04:42):
more in our capacity, in orderto become more of our pure
selves, that involves apurification process, and so
some of those very clichedsayings like no pain, no gain
unfortunately they are true.
Now, when we experience pain, wehave a choice about how we
integrate that pain or how weassimilate it right, and I think
(05:04):
that what happened in some ofthe generations before is they
didn't assimilate their pain,they didn't transmute their pain
and they just kept handing itdown.
And now our job is toassimilate and transmute our
pain right, and their pain too.
Quite frankly I'm just kiddingyou can't really transmute
somebody else's pain, and so wehave to really look at there is
(05:24):
such a deep pain in not beingable to share not just our wins
with the ex right, like thereare so many times like, oh my
goodness, like we have thecoolest kids, like, can you
believe how cool this thing isthat our kid did right, or maybe
even the harder thing.
Oh, my goodness, my kid isreally struggling and did
something very disturbing today,and I am embarrassed or ashamed
(05:47):
to talk about it with anybodyelse.
Right, it's like with yourpartner, you could talk about
these things at a level thatmaybe you've never been able to
talk to anybody else aboutbefore.
But the illusion that you can'trecreate that in an equal, if
not better, way outside of yourmarriage is not real or true,
(06:08):
and that's the thing that wehave to move through.
Right Is it's deeplydisorienting to not be able to
go to your partner.
It may even feel like abetrayal that you cannot go to
your partner with the thingsabout your kids or about your
life, that you have to answerforms in medical offices about
who your emergency contact isand you don't know who the crap
to put down.
(06:28):
That was one of the biggestpains for me post-divorce,
because I was such a medicallycomplex woman at the time, and I
think that this also highlightsright is that I also wasn't
close to my family at the time.
So it's like who do you put ona medical emergency?
Like, who do you put as anemergency contact, right?
And these are the things thatare very, very painful, but they
(06:51):
really invite us to look atwhere are we going to become
willing to create intimacy andconnection outside of what was
so that we can create somethingnew and beautiful in today was
so that we can create somethingnew and beautiful in today?
Now, what I'm suggesting is noteasy and it's not comfortable,
and it would be a lot moreenjoyable if you didn't have to
(07:15):
do it, right?
But we can't get stuck orbogged down in that part of it,
and I think that when we havethese moments where we want to
share intimately, deeply,intimately with that person, I
want you to hold on to that urge, that longing to share deeply
(07:36):
right, I want you to break itdown.
Hold on to the urge and thatlonging to share deeply right, I
want you to break it down.
Hold on to the urge and thelonging to share something
intimately with someone and thengo with that and cultivate that
in other places.
There's also an urge to grievethat loss.
Great, go with that too.
Give that moment.
(07:58):
It's due, like, wow, I used tohave this, I don't have it with
this person anymore, and that issad.
But then notice, is it aboutthat person, specifically that
person?
Think for a moment how did thatperson receive your intimate
shares when you sharedintimately with them at the time
?
How did those intimate momentsgo when you made those bids for
(08:20):
connection, when you wanted toshare something cool or
something hard or you wanted,you know, you needed an
emergency contact or whatever itwas?
Is it really about that person?
Because I think if it was superabout that person and what they
brought to the table, youprobably wouldn't be getting
divorced or is it about thelonging for connection and
(08:40):
intimacy in general and wantingto have that in a place that
feels good and delicious andclose and safe and accepting?
Right, I do understand there's acomfort with your spouse, right
, there's a familiarity.
That's what I mean.
There's a familiarity with yourspouse.
That's easy.
But more often than not for mostof us that familiarity was
(09:01):
actually pretty toxic and itwasn't actually deeply intimate,
it was fraught, and then weprobably ended up sharing these
things in other places that alsofelt good, like with a teacher
or a friend or a family memberor something like that, right,
or a colleague, and we're sortof bogged down in the moment
(09:22):
with that.
I can't share it with thisperson anymore, when they
probably didn't receive it aswell as you have fantasized that
they did or that they would.
So this is your time to pivotoff of that right and trust that
what's mattering in this momentis the urge for connection and
for intimacy and I want you toreally see that through which
(09:45):
brings us to our next part ofthe conversation, which is
intimacy is something that we'rehardwired for, right,
neurobiologically.
We are hardwired for connection, for belonging, for intimacy,
to feel seen, understood, toshare our emotional experiences,
to connect with other people,and I want you to notice that
(10:08):
you have a number of people inyour life that you can share
these things with.
It's one of the reasons that Ilean so hard into places like
group therapy and Al-Anon, likeplaces where it was culturally
appropriate to share deeply andintimately, right, because
that's what I needed to do sobadly and wanted to be able to
do that in places withoutfeeling like I was burdening
people or, you know, like Ineeded to filter myself.
(10:31):
And so we're all hardwired forthis need for intimacy and I
want you to notice how thepeople you do have in life that
you can share intimately or in areally meaningful way that
feels good.
I want you to notice that nowthat you're getting divorced, or
you've made this decision, oryour ex is your ex right?
(10:52):
Did relationships that you usedto take pride in sharing with,
do they now suddenly feel lessrewarding?
Is there something aboutgetting divorced that has caused
you to appreciate your currentrelationships less, because
(11:13):
you're judging your loss of yourex, because you're feeling
victimized by what you're losing, by what your ex didn't fight
for, didn't bring to the table?
Is it affecting how you'reseeing your other relationships
as well?
Is it causing you to judge themas less valuable, right?
So I want you to take a deepbreath and really feel into what
(11:34):
I'm saying.
So, let's say, you have a dearfriend, a sister, a colleague, a
family member, someone whom youlove sharing with, whom you
have always loved sharing withMaybe the people that heard you
when you were talking about Ithink I'm going to get a divorce
right those people who havebeen the places where you've
(11:54):
taken these things, those peoplewho have celebrated with you,
who have grieved with you.
Now that you're getting divorcedor have gotten divorced and you
don't have your ex to go toanymore, do these relationships
really feel into this?
Are they suddenly looking lessvaluable?
Are they suddenly feeling lessrewarding?
(12:16):
Because when we're judgingright, when we're in a vibration
of judging or self-pity, it'slike we can't isolate it to just
one place.
It leeches into other places.
So if you are feeling self-pityabout what's going on with your
ex and grieving all of thisstuff that you can't share with
(12:37):
your ex anymore your wins, yourlosses, your griefs, your things
with your kiddos, whatever itis that's going on at work I
want you to notice that it'saffecting how much you're
getting from, how much you'reenjoying, how much you're
valuating, valuing, how muchyou're feeling grateful for your
other relationships.
It's tainting everything yourbitterness, your resentment,
your sadness, your grief.
It's tainting everything, eventhe things that are actually
(13:00):
good and grounded for you, eventhe people who are there for you
with an open heart.
No, they're not perfect, butthey're there and they show up.
I want you to just notice thatthere are these other places
where you can lean in vulnerably.
Maybe you still need more.
Maybe it's not enough.
Maybe you know you do need todo some work to develop and
cultivate some other safe placesfor yourself.
(13:22):
But I want you to notice thatalso, what's happening is your
pain is coloring your safespaces and that it's the pain
that needs to be released frominside of you, as well as
cultivating intimacy, connectionand closeness.
Very often connection is whatis the most soothing and
(13:47):
regulating to our nervoussystems, when we talk about
co-regulating with people who wefeel close to right, and so
this is like an essential partof recovering, and so it's a
nuance.
It's tricky to learn how togrieve the loss of an idea or a
fantasy or a fairy tale, togrieve the loss of a role, of a
spouse or a partner, and not letthat grief turn into bitterness
(14:11):
that starts to sabotage yourother close, meaningful
relationships.
And I know this is something Ihave had to tackle very much as
I worked through any number ofrelationships where I've carried
resentment around that I don'tcarry that resentment into other
relationships that, for allintents and purposes, could be
(14:32):
healthy, right, but that I carrythe bitterness or resentment
into relationships period,because it lives inside of me.
So just notice that when couldyou start to shed bitterness and
resentment so that you couldjust feel better about the
co-regulating spaces you alreadyhave?
And then next let's talk aboutgrief in general as a portal or
(14:58):
as a pointer, as a laser tosource energy to your higher
power, to a higher perspective.
Okay, so very, very often, right, grief hits us in waves, often
when it's least expected, andit's like getting that phone
call about a promotion, orgetting that phone call that
(15:18):
your mortgage is gettingreassessed and all of a sudden
you have to put more in escrowand shit.
Where am I going to come upwith that money?
Or, right, it's like the winsand the losses that you want to
immediately have, that personthat you pick up the phone and
you go to and you say you know,susie aced her spelling test
today, and isn't she so smart.
You just are used to havingthat person, that quick dial
(15:40):
right that you want to make thatimmediate, automatic outreach
to.
And so very often the grief itcomes in waves when you least
expect it, when a song pops onor this or that, and you would
normally have that first call orthat last call right when you
would share the things.
But once we feel that wave ofgrief, we have an opportunity
(16:01):
then to either lament right,like, to either spiral down and
to pity ourselves and to, like,just count the things that are
missing in our lives rather thanthe things that are present and
listen.
That's a choice and we alloften make that right Is to
spiral, to just like, start tofocus on the negative.
Or in that moment, we have theopportunity and you're going to
like want to just like, start tofocus on the negative.
(16:21):
Or in that moment, we have theopportunity and you're going to
like want to shoot like nerfdarts at me around these next
few things.
I'm going to say right, or wehave the opportunity to refocus
our attention on source energy,god, inner being, higher power,
higher perspective, whatever youwant to call it.
Right now, why is this importantand why am I pointing this out
in this moment?
Now?
I never want to redirect you toGod as a way to bypass your
(16:44):
painful emotion.
That's bullshit.
Don't do it, it's toxic.
Okay, I am not sending you torefocus on God or source energy
as an emotional bypass or anemotional suppression.
That is not aligned.
It is not good for your health,your mental health or your
overall well-being.
I want to point you to Godbecause we cannot become
(17:05):
vibrational matches for thethings that we want without
raising our vibration, and wecan't.
It is very, very difficult toraise our vibration in a world
where we're constantlysurrounded by grief, pain and
shit falling apart.
So when we are going throughdivorce or, quite frankly, when
we're just surrounded by grief,pain and shit falling apart, so
when we are going throughdivorce or, quite frankly, when
we're just alive as humans, allwe have to do is open our
(17:26):
Instagram and see like whoever'son trial this week for whatever
heinous crime they're doingright, or whatever political
things are going on, or whateverour ex is doing, or whatever
email we have from our lawyer,whatever the crap is going on at
work I don't know right, it's alot.
And when we're looking at thosethings and we're constantly
calibrating our vibration tothose things that are happening
(17:46):
in very real time in life, wewill stay stuck in a low vibe
state.
And so how can we get refocusedand take our pain to something
that is higher vibe and work ourvibration up?
I cannot expect to become avibrational match for a magical
(18:07):
love match or a promotion atwork or a weekend where I just
finally feel good about myselfand not burdened by the
responsibilities of life.
I can't become a vibrationalmatch for those things by
continuing to focus on what theworld would say about me.
If I look at what the worldwould say about me and my
(18:27):
circumstance.
They are going to point out mywrinkles, they're gonna point
out the few pounds I have tolose, they're gonna point out
right where I am feeling like avictim and they're gonna tell me
all the reasons why my plansare not going to succeed right,
and everything is going to feelheavier when I take the things
(18:47):
that I desire to become, thethings that I desire to manifest
, when I take the future Idesire to lean into to God.
God says to me you are myperfect creation and I will help
you get there.
Period, those are my promises.
Now, no matter right, like howyou call God, source, higher
(19:08):
self, inner being, god, jesus,whatever it is right, there are
promises, spiritual promisesthat are yours to claim.
And when we feel grief, toooften we take that grief and we
look at it through our selfish,entitled lens and we pity
ourselves, rather than takingthat grief and those tears and
that anger and that resentmentand that pain to God and
(19:32):
grieving with God and asking Godto be our source of comfort and
support and intimacy.
And so when I wake up feelinglike life is a burden, I stop
myself and I say God, what isyour perspective on this?
What is your perspective onthis?
And it is this person you aremad at is also perfect in my
(19:52):
eyes, child.
You are perfect in my eyes,child, and you can have whatever
you want if you could get outof your own way and hold my hand
and let's go.
And so when you feel the griefof losing a partner to talk to
about your wins, your losses,your kids, your things, I want
you to practice going to ahigher perspective with that
(20:14):
pain.
So the idea is shatter theillusion of a fairytale
relationship and the storyyou've been telling yourself.
This isn't how it was supposedto be.
This is how it was supposed tobe because this is how it is
right.
I love you so much.
And number two continue toconnect with and value the
people who are willing to beintimate and connected and love
(20:36):
you well.
And the third thing is have anintimate, close relationship
with source, because that iswhere everything high vibe
exists Now.
We tried something new todaywhen we were recording, and that
is because we are moving in thedirection of having a TikTok.
I have never TikTok.
Do you TikTok?
I would love for you.
(20:56):
Can you send me TikToks andInstagram?
Is that a thing?
Producer Joy is shaking her head.
No, so in order to TikTok, Ihave to look in the camera while
I am recording this episode,and that is hard for me because
the camera is not a person andthe camera is a camera and so.
But for me to connect with you,we had to come up with a trick,
(21:20):
right?
And so you can't see this.
But behind the camera is a corkboard, right, where we have so
many names of so many of youbeautiful listeners who have
signed up for something orjoined something, or submitted a
form for a different D word orgotten on a wait list for
something.
Right?
We have your names on thesebeautiful little heart cards
hanging on a cork board, becauseyou are a part of us and we are
(21:41):
part of you, and like this ishow we keep you close to us all
week long, every day, every day,I walk in and out past this
board, and so today we pulledone card off and stuck it right
on the camera, and today thisepisode is inspired by Jamie.
Jamie, I do not know your lastname off the top of my head, but
, love, I have been staring atyour name this entire time I
(22:01):
have been recording this episode.
If you are, jamie J-A-M-I, Ilove you so much.
Thank you for being part of ourcommunity and send me a DM.
I'd love to know that I've beentalking with you all morning
recording this.
All right, peace, peace.
You didn't just lose a partner.
You lost that one person whoused to celebrate your child's
firsts, grieve the hard dayswith you and witness your
becoming in life.
What do you do with that achewhen there's no one to turn to,
who really gets it in thatintimate way anymore?
Hi love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
(00:27):
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
In today's episode, we aregoing to shatter the concept of
(00:59):
the fairy tale relationship thatkeeps this grief kind of stuck
in a loop.
We're also going to talk aboutthe need for intimacy and
belonging, because they don'tdie when your marriage ended, so
we have to make sure we have aplan for that.
And we're also going to talkabout grief as a portal to
refocus on source energy or ahigher perspective, and how to
(01:22):
actually do that.
When the grief hits energy or ahigher perspective, and how to
actually do that when the griefhits.
One of the most popular podcastepisodes we've recorded in the
history of the podcast is theone that's titled approximately.
This wasn't supposed to be mylife.
There is something about theloss of a dream, the loss of how
(01:46):
I thought it was going to go,the sort of vision I had for my
life, my family, my marriage,what I thought was something
about.
All of that hits us at such adeep level.
It seems very, very difficultfor many of us to move past that
moment and not be haunted by itfor an extended period of time.
(02:08):
The idea that my life isn'tgoing the way I thought it was
going to go.
It is a very surreal, verydysregulating, disorienting
experience, and I think veryoften we get stuck in this idea
of how it was supposed to be,and I think that many of us have
(02:29):
sort of fallen prey to thisidea over the last couple of
decades.
I think there was this beautifulthing that came with the
explosion of the mental healthconversation over the last
couple of decades.
I think the more that we werelearning about what it means to
be emotionally mature, the morewe were learning how attachment
(02:51):
styles affected us as children,the more we were learning about
somatics and mental wellness ingeneral.
I think we started to see howmany things in our lives were
maybe not in alignment, right?
How many of us were raised byparents who were not as
(03:14):
well-versed in mental health aswe wish they would have been and
we sort of gave in to theDisney version of what a
relationship or a family issupposed to look like and it got
in us in some way right and itlet us start to believe that we
are victims and that we'reentitled to a better way of
having marriage and family andrelationships.
(03:35):
And very, very, very often intherapy, people will say to me
where would I be today?
I think about if they had justdone it this way, if my ex had
just done X, y, z, or if myparents had just done this or
that differently, where could Ibe today?
I would be in a different place.
And all of that love.
I'm going to say somethingreally hard right now.
(03:57):
Right, all of that is anillusion and it's a fairy tale
and we have to burn it down.
When we tell ourselves that wewould be in a better place if it
weren't for hardship, we arelying to ourselves, because it
literally is the hardship thatallows us to be sanctified, to
(04:18):
be purified, to be grown, to bematured.
Now it is not just hardshipalone that creates maturity.
We know that because there arelots of people who experience
hardships in life and they don'tbecome mature as a result of it
.
But if we look at what are theprimary ingredients we need in
order to grow, in order totransform, in order to become
(04:42):
more in our capacity, in orderto become more of our pure
selves, that involves apurification process, and so
some of those very clichedsayings like no pain, no gain
unfortunately they are true.
Now, when we experience pain, wehave a choice about how we
integrate that pain or how weassimilate it right, and I think
(05:04):
that what happened in some ofthe generations before is they
didn't assimilate their pain,they didn't transmute their pain
and they just kept handing itdown.
And now our job is toassimilate and transmute our
pain right, and their pain too.
Quite frankly I'm just kiddingyou can't really transmute
somebody else's pain, and so wehave to really look at there is
(05:24):
such a deep pain in not beingable to share not just our wins
with the ex right, like thereare so many times like, oh my
goodness, like we have thecoolest kids, like, can you
believe how cool this thing isthat our kid did right, or maybe
even the harder thing.
Oh, my goodness, my kid isreally struggling and did
something very disturbing today,and I am embarrassed or ashamed
(05:47):
to talk about it with anybodyelse.
Right, it's like with yourpartner, you could talk about
these things at a level thatmaybe you've never been able to
talk to anybody else aboutbefore.
But the illusion that you can'trecreate that in an equal, if
not better, way outside of yourmarriage is not real or true,
(06:08):
and that's the thing that wehave to move through.
Right Is it's deeplydisorienting to not be able to
go to your partner.
It may even feel like abetrayal that you cannot go to
your partner with the thingsabout your kids or about your
life, that you have to answerforms in medical offices about
who your emergency contact isand you don't know who the crap
to put down.
(06:28):
That was one of the biggestpains for me post-divorce,
because I was such a medicallycomplex woman at the time, and I
think that this also highlightsright is that I also wasn't
close to my family at the time.
So it's like who do you put ona medical emergency?
Like, who do you put as anemergency contact, right?
And these are the things thatare very, very painful, but they
(06:51):
really invite us to look atwhere are we going to become
willing to create intimacy andconnection outside of what was
so that we can create somethingnew and beautiful in today was
so that we can create somethingnew and beautiful in today?
Now, what I'm suggesting is noteasy and it's not comfortable,
and it would be a lot moreenjoyable if you didn't have to
(07:15):
do it, right?
But we can't get stuck orbogged down in that part of it,
and I think that when we havethese moments where we want to
share intimately, deeply,intimately with that person, I
want you to hold on to that urge, that longing to share deeply
(07:36):
right, I want you to break itdown.
Hold on to the urge and thatlonging to share deeply right, I
want you to break it down.
Hold on to the urge and thelonging to share something
intimately with someone and thengo with that and cultivate that
in other places.
There's also an urge to grievethat loss.
Great, go with that too.
Give that moment.
(07:58):
It's due, like, wow, I used tohave this, I don't have it with
this person anymore, and that issad.
But then notice, is it aboutthat person, specifically that
person?
Think for a moment how did thatperson receive your intimate
shares when you sharedintimately with them at the time
?
How did those intimate momentsgo when you made those bids for
(08:20):
connection, when you wanted toshare something cool or
something hard or you wanted,you know, you needed an
emergency contact or whatever itwas?
Is it really about that person?
Because I think if it was superabout that person and what they
brought to the table, youprobably wouldn't be getting
divorced or is it about thelonging for connection and
(08:40):
intimacy in general and wantingto have that in a place that
feels good and delicious andclose and safe and accepting?
Right, I do understand there's acomfort with your spouse, right
, there's a familiarity.
That's what I mean.
There's a familiarity with yourspouse.
That's easy.
But more often than not for mostof us that familiarity was
(09:01):
actually pretty toxic and itwasn't actually deeply intimate,
it was fraught, and then weprobably ended up sharing these
things in other places that alsofelt good, like with a teacher
or a friend or a family memberor something like that, right,
or a colleague, and we're sortof bogged down in the moment
(09:22):
with that.
I can't share it with thisperson anymore, when they
probably didn't receive it aswell as you have fantasized that
they did or that they would.
So this is your time to pivotoff of that right and trust that
what's mattering in this momentis the urge for connection and
for intimacy and I want you toreally see that through which
(09:45):
brings us to our next part ofthe conversation, which is
intimacy is something that we'rehardwired for, right,
neurobiologically.
We are hardwired for connection, for belonging, for intimacy,
to feel seen, understood, toshare our emotional experiences,
to connect with other people,and I want you to notice that
(10:08):
you have a number of people inyour life that you can share
these things with.
It's one of the reasons that Ilean so hard into places like
group therapy and Al-Anon, likeplaces where it was culturally
appropriate to share deeply andintimately, right, because
that's what I needed to do sobadly and wanted to be able to
do that in places withoutfeeling like I was burdening
people or, you know, like Ineeded to filter myself.
(10:31):
And so we're all hardwired forthis need for intimacy and I
want you to notice how thepeople you do have in life that
you can share intimately or in areally meaningful way that
feels good.
I want you to notice that nowthat you're getting divorced, or
you've made this decision, oryour ex is your ex right?
(10:52):
Did relationships that you usedto take pride in sharing with,
do they now suddenly feel lessrewarding?
Is there something aboutgetting divorced that has caused
you to appreciate your currentrelationships less, because
(11:13):
you're judging your loss of yourex, because you're feeling
victimized by what you're losing, by what your ex didn't fight
for, didn't bring to the table?
Is it affecting how you'reseeing your other relationships
as well?
Is it causing you to judge themas less valuable, right?
So I want you to take a deepbreath and really feel into what
(11:34):
I'm saying.
So, let's say, you have a dearfriend, a sister, a colleague, a
family member, someone whom youlove sharing with, whom you
have always loved sharing withMaybe the people that heard you
when you were talking about Ithink I'm going to get a divorce
right those people who havebeen the places where you've
(11:54):
taken these things, those peoplewho have celebrated with you,
who have grieved with you.
Now that you're getting divorcedor have gotten divorced and you
don't have your ex to go toanymore, do these relationships
really feel into this?
Are they suddenly looking lessvaluable?
Are they suddenly feeling lessrewarding?
(12:16):
Because when we're judgingright, when we're in a vibration
of judging or self-pity, it'slike we can't isolate it to just
one place.
It leeches into other places.
So if you are feeling self-pityabout what's going on with your
ex and grieving all of thisstuff that you can't share with
(12:37):
your ex anymore your wins, yourlosses, your griefs, your things
with your kiddos, whatever itis that's going on at work I
want you to notice that it'saffecting how much you're
getting from, how much you'reenjoying, how much you're
valuating, valuing, how muchyou're feeling grateful for your
other relationships.
It's tainting everything yourbitterness, your resentment,
your sadness, your grief.
It's tainting everything, eventhe things that are actually
(13:00):
good and grounded for you, eventhe people who are there for you
with an open heart.
No, they're not perfect, butthey're there and they show up.
I want you to just notice thatthere are these other places
where you can lean in vulnerably.
Maybe you still need more.
Maybe it's not enough.
Maybe you know you do need todo some work to develop and
cultivate some other safe placesfor yourself.
(13:22):
But I want you to notice thatalso, what's happening is your
pain is coloring your safespaces and that it's the pain
that needs to be released frominside of you, as well as
cultivating intimacy, connectionand closeness.
Very often connection is whatis the most soothing and
(13:47):
regulating to our nervoussystems, when we talk about
co-regulating with people who wefeel close to right, and so
this is like an essential partof recovering, and so it's a
nuance.
It's tricky to learn how togrieve the loss of an idea or a
fantasy or a fairy tale, togrieve the loss of a role, of a
spouse or a partner, and not letthat grief turn into bitterness
(14:11):
that starts to sabotage yourother close, meaningful
relationships.
And I know this is something Ihave had to tackle very much as
I worked through any number ofrelationships where I've carried
resentment around that I don'tcarry that resentment into other
relationships that, for allintents and purposes, could be
(14:32):
healthy, right, but that I carrythe bitterness or resentment
into relationships period,because it lives inside of me.
So just notice that when couldyou start to shed bitterness and
resentment so that you couldjust feel better about the
co-regulating spaces you alreadyhave?
And then next let's talk aboutgrief in general as a portal or
(14:58):
as a pointer, as a laser tosource energy to your higher
power, to a higher perspective.
Okay, so very, very often, right, grief hits us in waves, often
when it's least expected, andit's like getting that phone
call about a promotion, orgetting that phone call that
(15:18):
your mortgage is gettingreassessed and all of a sudden
you have to put more in escrowand shit.
Where am I going to come upwith that money?
Or, right, it's like the winsand the losses that you want to
immediately have, that personthat you pick up the phone and
you go to and you say you know,susie aced her spelling test
today, and isn't she so smart.
You just are used to havingthat person, that quick dial
(15:40):
right that you want to make thatimmediate, automatic outreach
to.
And so very often the grief itcomes in waves when you least
expect it, when a song pops onor this or that, and you would
normally have that first call orthat last call right when you
would share the things.
But once we feel that wave ofgrief, we have an opportunity
(16:01):
then to either lament right,like, to either spiral down and
to pity ourselves and to, like,just count the things that are
missing in our lives rather thanthe things that are present and
listen.
That's a choice and we alloften make that right Is to
spiral, to just like, start tofocus on the negative.
Or in that moment, we have theopportunity and you're going to
like want to just like, start tofocus on the negative.
(16:21):
Or in that moment, we have theopportunity and you're going to
like want to shoot like nerfdarts at me around these next
few things.
I'm going to say right, or wehave the opportunity to refocus
our attention on source energy,god, inner being, higher power,
higher perspective, whatever youwant to call it.
Right now, why is this importantand why am I pointing this out
in this moment?
Now?
I never want to redirect you toGod as a way to bypass your
(16:44):
painful emotion.
That's bullshit.
Don't do it, it's toxic.
Okay, I am not sending you torefocus on God or source energy
as an emotional bypass or anemotional suppression.
That is not aligned.
It is not good for your health,your mental health or your
overall well-being.
I want to point you to Godbecause we cannot become
(17:05):
vibrational matches for thethings that we want without
raising our vibration, and wecan't.
It is very, very difficult toraise our vibration in a world
where we're constantlysurrounded by grief, pain and
shit falling apart.
So when we are going throughdivorce or, quite frankly, when
we're just surrounded by grief,pain and shit falling apart, so
when we are going throughdivorce or, quite frankly, when
we're just alive as humans, allwe have to do is open our
(17:26):
Instagram and see like whoever'son trial this week for whatever
heinous crime they're doingright, or whatever political
things are going on, or whateverour ex is doing, or whatever
email we have from our lawyer,whatever the crap is going on at
work I don't know right, it's alot.
And when we're looking at thosethings and we're constantly
calibrating our vibration tothose things that are happening
(17:46):
in very real time in life, wewill stay stuck in a low vibe
state.
And so how can we get refocusedand take our pain to something
that is higher vibe and work ourvibration up?
I cannot expect to become avibrational match for a magical
(18:07):
love match or a promotion atwork or a weekend where I just
finally feel good about myselfand not burdened by the
responsibilities of life.
I can't become a vibrationalmatch for those things by
continuing to focus on what theworld would say about me.
If I look at what the worldwould say about me and my
(18:27):
circumstance.
They are going to point out mywrinkles, they're gonna point
out the few pounds I have tolose, they're gonna point out
right where I am feeling like avictim and they're gonna tell me
all the reasons why my plansare not going to succeed right,
and everything is going to feelheavier when I take the things
(18:47):
that I desire to become, thethings that I desire to manifest
, when I take the future Idesire to lean into to God.
God says to me you are myperfect creation and I will help
you get there.
Period, those are my promises.
Now, no matter right, like howyou call God, source, higher
(19:08):
self, inner being, god, jesus,whatever it is right, there are
promises, spiritual promisesthat are yours to claim.
And when we feel grief, toooften we take that grief and we
look at it through our selfish,entitled lens and we pity
ourselves, rather than takingthat grief and those tears and
that anger and that resentmentand that pain to God and
(19:32):
grieving with God and asking Godto be our source of comfort and
support and intimacy.
And so when I wake up feelinglike life is a burden, I stop
myself and I say God, what isyour perspective on this?
What is your perspective onthis?
And it is this person you aremad at is also perfect in my
(19:52):
eyes, child.
You are perfect in my eyes,child, and you can have whatever
you want if you could get outof your own way and hold my hand
and let's go.
And so when you feel the griefof losing a partner to talk to
about your wins, your losses,your kids, your things, I want
you to practice going to ahigher perspective with that
(20:14):
pain.
So the idea is shatter theillusion of a fairytale
relationship and the storyyou've been telling yourself.
This isn't how it was supposedto be.
This is how it was supposed tobe because this is how it is
right.
I love you so much.
And number two continue toconnect with and value the
people who are willing to beintimate and connected and love
(20:36):
you well.
And the third thing is have anintimate, close relationship
with source, because that iswhere everything high vibe
exists Now.
We tried something new todaywhen we were recording, and that
is because we are moving in thedirection of having a TikTok.
I have never TikTok.
Do you TikTok?
I would love for you.
(20:56):
Can you send me TikToks andInstagram?
Is that a thing?
Producer Joy is shaking her head.
No, so in order to TikTok, Ihave to look in the camera while
I am recording this episode,and that is hard for me because
the camera is not a person andthe camera is a camera and so.
But for me to connect with you,we had to come up with a trick,
(21:20):
right?
And so you can't see this.
But behind the camera is a corkboard, right, where we have so
many names of so many of youbeautiful listeners who have
signed up for something orjoined something, or submitted a
form for a different D word orgotten on a wait list for
something.
Right?
We have your names on thesebeautiful little heart cards
hanging on a cork board, becauseyou are a part of us and we are
(21:41):
part of you, and like this ishow we keep you close to us all
week long, every day, every day,I walk in and out past this
board, and so today we pulledone card off and stuck it right
on the camera, and today thisepisode is inspired by Jamie.
Jamie, I do not know your lastname off the top of my head, but
, love, I have been staring atyour name this entire time I
(22:01):
have been recording this episode.
If you are, jamie J-A-M-I, Ilove you so much.
Thank you for being part of ourcommunity and send me a DM.
I'd love to know that I've beentalking with you all morning
recording this.
All right, peace, peace.
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