June 3, 2025 • 22 mins
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How do you heal when your divorce means saying goodbye—not just to a spouse, but to an entire family you once called your own?
If you’re navigating a separation, you already know the grief isn’t just about losing a partner. It’s about losing traditions, a sense of belonging, or even support systems that felt like home. The fallout can hit unexpectedly, even years later, complicating your healing and making it tough to truly move on.
In this episode, you’ll discover why grieving the loss of your ex’s family can be as profound as grieving the marriage itself, how to actually process and move through that particular pain rather than dismissing or avoiding it, and actionable tools for building an even stronger, healthier support network that is uniquely yours.
Grief Flower Remedy With Star of Bethlehem
Post Divorce Roadmap - 21 Days of Guided Journaling
Join The list for A Different D Word, our personalized healing program.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn
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On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
Click HERE To Attend Somatic Workshop For Releasing 'What Could've Been'
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Divorce isn't just losing a spouse.
It's losing a family, thein-laws, the traditions, the
sense of belonging goneovernight.
And in this episode we'reunpacking the grief of losing
your ex's family how to heal,rebuild and find your own sense
of belonging again.
Hi love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
(00:26):
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
Bad and ugly right About thethings that drew us to them, the
(00:48):
things that were soheartbreaking to lose, the
things that were maybe a reliefto lose, but that's all to say.
(01:11):
There is so much about lettinggo of not just your ex but their
family that shifts for yearsafter a separation and divorce.
It's part of the divorceprocess that I think trickles
down for a very long time, and Iknow even myself I had
something related to this.
I am like 15 years post-divorce, right, and I had something
(01:33):
related to this sort of hit mebetween the eyes in the last
year Really, really interesting.
So we felt like it was time totackle this topic of family
grief.
So today in the episode, we'regoing to take a look at the ways
in which you often tellyourself to just move on, but
the truth is, grief doesn'tdisappear just because you
ignore it, and when you suppressit, it only makes it linger
(01:55):
longer.
So we will be talking about whyfully feeling the loss is the
key to moving forward, and howto do that without getting stuck
in the pain, and then we willtalk about how losing your ex's
family actually makes youquestion your own worth and
internalize some negativebeliefs, wondering if you were
ever truly loved or if youbelonged in the first place.
(02:17):
But what if I told you thatthose painful thoughts aren't
facts and we really need to takea look at what those thoughts
are saying?
So stay with me, because in amoment, we're going to unravel
those beliefs and replace themwith truths that will set you
free.
And, finally, we're going tolook at the gaping hole where
your old support system used tobe.
But the good news is is thatloss can create space for
(02:39):
something new, something thatyou can own, and before this
episode ends, I will walk youthrough how to start building a
support system that's not just areplacement, but something even
stronger.
Let's dig in.
One of the things that Iabsolutely loved about being
married to my ex was his family.
(03:00):
There were so many things thatthat family did that my family
didn't.
That felt like medicine formany, many years.
You know the way they did,especially the holidays like all
the holidays honestly feltreally magical to me and there
was something very even thoughof course, there was drama and
conflict and whatever, like anyfamily there was just something
(03:23):
really family-ish about it and Igrew up kind of really
separated geographically from mylarger family and so when it
was just like my parents and I,holidays often felt flat, or you
know, the police were called, Idon't know.
You know what I mean.
There were things, and so thatparticular medicine was
something that was very, veryhard to lose.
(03:44):
Also, I was introduced to my exby one of his family members
and she said in the beginning,like if you break his heart, I
will break your legs, and it wasfunny and we laughed about it
at the time, but like, in theend it didn't work out and then
my I lost that friend and it waslike it was non-negotiable,
like that was it.
(04:04):
We just never spoke again andthat was super heartbreaking.
And I found out recently thatshe passed away and we never
spoke again after the divorceand it really hit me literally
in the gut.
I was shocked, I was devastatedand it's so interesting that so
(04:26):
many years later that thatgrief would still crop up in
that way and I actually ended uptexting my ex and just letting
him know that I was thinking ofhim and his family.
And you know, I just think thiswhole family piece it's an
element to the grief that is canbe certainly for many of us
deep and wide, and were therethings about, you know, his
(04:49):
family that stressed me out orfrustrated me?
Like, of course, right, nothingis all good or all bad, but it
definitely felt for me like amassive loss of a support system
and I don't even know that Iwas really dialed into that
grief early on.
I'm curious if you are.
(05:09):
This episode, this topic, cameup because several people sort
of in our community and even inmy personal life have mentioned
this, and so we knew it was timeto record it.
But I think that when you're inthe process of getting divorced
, there are so many other thingsthat need your attention that
grieving that maybe getsbackburnered a lot, and I just
(05:30):
want to really encourage youthat it's an important thing to
dedicate some time and space to,right To when you feel it come
up.
This is the key piece is to notjust swipe it aside and say
I'll deal with that later or Idon't want to feel that right
now and maybe in that momentit's not the time and space.
But as often as possible whenyou feel this grief to do with
(05:54):
his family come up, I want youto tap into it, even if it's
only for two minutes.
And I say two minutes for avery important reason because
there is data that says that ifyou let an emotion fully come in
and fully experience it and sitwith it, that in two minutes or
less it will pass and move on.
(06:14):
But we are so used to beingdissociative, disembodied, just
really numb or avoidant of ourpainful emotions that very, very
often we get stuck in emotionalloops, we get lost in the
stories we tell ourselves aboutthose emotions and then they
just pile on and pile on andpile on.
But if you could tap into thatpain, if you could take a deep
(06:38):
breath, if you could let it knowthat it belongs, if you could
identify where you felt it inyour body, and if you could, in
some physical or embodied way,express that pain and feel into
it, it would shift and you wouldfeel lighter.
Now there are some tools thatyou know that I love to do with
shifting energy in the body andmaking space for it to fully
(06:59):
process.
There are two remedies inparticular that are great for
this in the homeopathic realmOne is Ignatia and one is Natrum
.
You can get both of these onAmazon and I will put the links
in the show notes, and there'salso a flower essence that I
absolutely love for grief.
There are blends, there are somany beautiful flower essences,
(07:22):
but there are a couple Bachflower essences for neutralizing
grief that are absolutelyinvaluable as well.
So I will stick those in theshow notes.
I think that what theseremedies, these essences and
remedies do to help us processour grief is to allow it to come
in and go out, because we tendto, as I mentioned, dissociate
(07:44):
or loop on the thoughts.
In my experience, most of uscollapse thoughts with feelings,
and we don't realize that if wejust felt, purely felt, and let
go of the story we were tellingourselves about the feelings,
that we would feel better.
But we really like to tellourselves stories about those
(08:08):
feelings because it's how we tryto justify the pain, it's how
we try to distance ourselvesfrom the pain, it's how we try
to feel better about ourselvesin the midst of the pain and it
actually makes us feel worse.
So the next time it floats in,maybe you've, you know, added to
cart so that you have thesetools handy in your purse and
maybe you grab a pillow and youdo some pillow throwing.
(08:30):
Or maybe you know we talk aboutpillow throwing sometimes to
discharge anger, right.
But you know, what else I loveto do with a pillow to embody
something like grief is holdthat pillow like a baby or like
a little child right, cuddlethat pillow as though it is your
grieving self and reallyconnect with that pillow as
though it's a younger version ofyourself that's really
(08:52):
struggling to feel safe enoughto feel these big, big, big sad
feelings.
Man, pillows have like thiskind of star role over here in
the podcast.
But I want you to reallypractice physically embodying
these emotions and energeticallypushing them through your body,
not so much your mind, that's.
(09:13):
Let give yourself permission tocry, right, and if, if, crying
comes very, very easy for youand it's hard to stop crying.
That's ignatia.
And if crying feels unavailableto you and it feels like I
can't do that, I need to keepthis pushed down because I might
not ever stop.
That's natrium and the floweressences.
You can layer right in thereand it is just going to help be
(09:34):
a create a safe space in yourbody to go ahead and feel.
Now the next thing we're goingto dig into is how we
internalize negative beliefsassociated with grief.
Now, I asked a handful ofpeople to share some of theirs,
because I got to tell you we runour lives based on what is in
our subconscious mind, what webelieve about ourselves negative
(09:55):
or positive and if you're notaware of the negative beliefs
that are running your show, youthink you're making decisions
from a conscious place, but yoursubconscious is always going to
take priority.
And if you, for instance, right, make a decision that you're
gonna get up and you're gonna goto the gym every day this week
and then, when it comes time todo it, you don't actually go to
(10:15):
the gym, that's becausesomewhere in your subconscious
mind there's a negative beliefthat is blocking you from the
conscious decision you made.
So when we are grieving and weinternalize negative beliefs
about ourselves.
Love, it makes it so muchharder to move forward and have
our hearts open to new support,to new love, to new friendships,
(10:37):
to new experiences, to newfriendships, to new experiences,
to new connections, becausewe're protecting ourselves in
some way.
So some of the negative beliefsthat have become associated.
I want you to listen, for yourbody, right, I'm going to read
some to you and I want to listen.
I want you to listen to whatyour body says when you hear me
saying some of these.
I don't deserve love.
(10:57):
I should have done something.
I am a failure.
I'm insignificant orunimportant, I don't matter.
I cannot stand up for myself.
I should have known better.
I am helpless or powerless Bigdeep breath or powerless, big
(11:27):
deep breath.
Now, if your mind said, nope,none of those Dawn, none of
those are me, I want you to knowthat is a very strong sign that
you are dissociating your mindfrom your body, that you're not
super dialed in to your emotions, your subconscious, your body
awareness.
That that's a flag for you,right, when we have an absence
of resonance, it's not becausethere's nothing there, because
all humans live subconsciouslyby their belief systems and
(11:50):
people who are getting divorceddefinitely have negative beliefs
activated, and so if you'resomeone who's like nope, none of
those resonated, there's somewires disconnected that we have
to start by connecting up rightThen I want you to notice the
ones that did resonate.
Those are your stories that youprobably picked up from such a
long time ago and it's justplaying out again and again in
(12:13):
this particular context.
Have you ever heard of somethingcalled a repetition compulsion?
It was a Sigmund Freud idea,right that we all have these
woundings and then wesubconsciously repeat the same
behavior set or pattern,behavioral pattern, over and
over again, trying to resolve ituntil it feels good or we feel
like we've completed it or we'vefixed the problem right.
(12:34):
So, for instance, let's sayyour negative belief about this
is I'm a failure.
Then it's like the repetitioncompulsion.
Is that somewhere in yourchildhood maybe you felt like a
failure about something.
Maybe something happened andyou felt like somebody judged
you harshly or, you know,somebody really made you feel
like you were a failure and thenyou carried that with you, this
(12:56):
idea that you're a failure, andthen you'll subconsciously keep
picking circumstances that area setup for you to fail, things
that you just like can'tpossibly achieve, and you'll
keep doing that over and overagain, a subconscious pattern
trying to feel like yousucceeded, even in circumstances
that are relatively impossibleto do so.
(13:18):
So it's like until we start torealize like, oh, I've been
setting this up this way.
Subconsciously we keeprepeating this same sort of
unattainable pattern that leavesus feeling horrible about
ourselves.
And once we can become reallyconscious about the things that
are actually happening at asubconscious level, then we can
shift the pattern.
We can say oh right, which ishonestly what you're doing by.
(13:41):
Very often is honestly whatdivorce is doing is it's saying
I no longer want to do thisrepetition compulsion.
But the reality is is mostpeople leave it there.
They get divorced and they dosome good therapy and they focus
on grief, but they never tackletruly at a subconscious level,
those negative beliefs, grief,but they never tackle truly at a
subconscious level thosenegative beliefs.
And then they get remarriedfrom that same place and end up
(14:06):
experiencing it all over againbecause of the way the
subconscious mind works.
So if you notice which oneresonated there, I strongly
encourage you to really makesure you're doing some healing
work.
That involves shifting thosenegative beliefs into its
positive partner right.
So if you have this, I shouldhave done something.
It's like, oh, I did the best Icould.
So, until you can claim foryourself I did the best I could
(14:29):
and there's no resistance there,like you really feel that, like
you believe it up and down andin and out, you believe that you
are worthy of love, you didyour best, that you don't have
to be perfect, whatever thepositive partner statement is to
that internalized negativebelief, right.
Until you can own that foryourself so completely that it
doesn't have resistance on it,then you've still got some
(14:51):
subconscious work to do.
So that's the really importantthing to look at around losing
your ex's family, because thatis what's going to give you the
cleanest, best opportunity tomove forward building a new
support system that is yoursright, that is even stronger
than the last one, that feelstruly supportive in a way that
(15:13):
you've maybe never evenexperienced before.
But in order to do that, thesupport system that you're going
to attract, we want it to comefrom this place of ooh, these
positive beliefs about self,that you do deserve love, that
you don't have to be perfect,that you can stand up for
yourself, that you did the bestyou can, that you're doing the
(15:33):
best you can, that you're strongand you have choices right.
We want you to attract asupport system from those places
, which means doing thatsubconscious work is key.
Now to do with a support system.
I cannot say enough about howmuch leaning into these
uncomfortable spaces is going tobe for you feeling and healing
(15:57):
faster than you are now.
Very much of what I did in mypost-divorce life was leaning
into a new support system and Iknow you've heard me talk about
this a lot.
I joined Al-Anon.
I joined a personal developmentworkshop.
I joined a therapy group, andthese are just some of the
things right.
(16:18):
I joined a yoga community, andthese are just some of the
things right.
I joined a yoga community and ameditation community, and I
couldn't do all those things allthe time right, but I was a
part of these healing spaceswhere I knew people were
genuinely working hard onhealing and rising and believing
that there was so much betterfor themselves out there.
(16:38):
And having those people was socrucial to when I was having a
cluster headache cycle and Ineeded to go to the hospital or
I needed help hanging curtainsin my house or I just needed
somebody to snuggle with becauseI was so, so, so lonely, or I
needed someone to make planswith because I felt like such a
(17:01):
loser or whatever, or I neededsomebody to help me.
I don't know.
Fill in the blank right.
It was only by really claimingthat support system and leaning
into it and being willing to bea burden from time to time.
That, but a joyful burden.
I've recently started callingit with producer joy, like I
know this is a burden, but Ihope it's a joyful burden.
I've recently started callingit with producer joy, like, I
know this is a burden, but Ihope it's a joyful burden.
(17:22):
You know, this was really how Igot from A to B faster was
leaning into these spaces andthere's something really magical
about being able to talk aboutyour pain and to feel your
feelings and to get honestfeedback and to have hugs and
love and all of this vulnerablesupport in that season, Because
(17:45):
those relationships often end upbeing more intimate, they end
up being deeper, they end upinvolving more unconditional
love and those are all thethings that are medicine to your
attachment style, to your grief, to your internalized negative
beliefs.
But most of us loves resistvulnerability and certainly in
(18:10):
groups of people.
We resist vulnerability andvery often we try to find an
alternative to those things thatwe're like, ah, maybe I can do
it on my own, maybe there's away to get through this without
having to do that.
And I'm here to tell you thatthe things that you are avoiding
, that you hear people talkingabout and touting as really,
really powerful solutions, thethings that you are avoiding or
(18:32):
that you are afraid of, oftenhold clues to the thing you need
the most Right Now.
I'm not going to give yousomething as general as you know
.
Feel the fear and do it anyway,and just ignore what you're
feeling and just do the thing.
I'm telling you to take a lookat it.
If there's something you'reresisting there, there is
definitely something you need tobetter understand about
(18:54):
yourself and see if you're justavoiding the pain of
vulnerability in some way whenthat's actually the thing that
you need.
And remember what I said earlierin the episode we can say we
want something on a consciouslevel, but if we have a
subconscious belief blocking us,we will always self-sabotage.
(19:16):
So if you say you want to havea lover in the future that you
can trust and rest in, if yousay you want a healthy
attachment style.
If you say you want to feeltruly worthy and good enough
without having to talk yourselfinto it or get a ton of external
validation, then probably thereare a number of things that
(19:40):
you're going to have to do, thatare going to feel very, very
uncomfortable and vulnerable, inorder to get to the root of
those issues and to reprogramthem subconsciously, totally
available, totally possible, andit's probably not going to be
just doing the things that arepart of your sort of desire to
(20:01):
do it individually or withminimal pain.
Right, it doesn't even have totake that long.
I think there are so many waysthat we make our healing take so
much longer than it needs tobecause we're just afraid.
You know a small example like Ishowed Producer Joy one of my
new exciting superfoods that I'minto right now, which is copper
as a supplement, and I said,okay, but the first time you do
(20:24):
it, take half the recommendeddose.
And she was like, oh God, I'mafraid now, right, I think
that's the thing it's like whenwe, when we say here's what to
expect discomfort, it's like, oh, do I really want to do it?
You know, but here's your sign.
Yes, we, we want to, ifsomething is truly going to
(20:44):
change our lives for the better,we do want to do the short term
uncomfortable thing for thelong term gain, all right.
In today's episode we talkedabout the pain of losing your
ex's family and the importanceof feeling into the grief and
how to do that without gettingstuck in it.
We also talked about theimportance of reprogramming the
negative beliefs that you areprobably associating with losing
(21:06):
his family, because love youare pure magic and those
negative beliefs that you'rebought into they're just habits
of thought.
And finally, we talked aboutbuilding a new support system
that's even stronger, that'sbased on vulnerability,
transparency and letting peoplelove you well and accept you in
your pain not in spite of yourpain, because of your pain,
(21:29):
because you are beautifullyhuman and you are worthy of that
kind of love and support.
If you haven't followed me onInstagram yet, I want to
encourage you to do that.
It's where I hang out mostoften and I absolutely love
being able to get your DMMS and,you know, send you a DM and
like it's just my favorite thingto do, right?
So my handle is at Dawn WigginsCheck it out.
(21:50):
Love you so much.
Peace.
Dear Divorce Diary is a podcastby my coach Dawn.
You can find more atmycoachdawncom.
Divorce isn't just losing a spouse.
It's losing a family, thein-laws, the traditions, the
sense of belonging goneovernight.
And in this episode we'reunpacking the grief of losing
your ex's family how to heal,rebuild and find your own sense
of belonging again.
Hi love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
(00:26):
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
Bad and ugly right About thethings that drew us to them, the
(00:48):
things that were soheartbreaking to lose, the
things that were maybe a reliefto lose, but that's all to say.
(01:11):
There is so much about lettinggo of not just your ex but their
family that shifts for yearsafter a separation and divorce.
It's part of the divorceprocess that I think trickles
down for a very long time, and Iknow even myself I had
something related to this.
I am like 15 years post-divorce, right, and I had something
(01:33):
related to this sort of hit mebetween the eyes in the last
year Really, really interesting.
So we felt like it was time totackle this topic of family
grief.
So today in the episode, we'regoing to take a look at the ways
in which you often tellyourself to just move on, but
the truth is, grief doesn'tdisappear just because you
ignore it, and when you suppressit, it only makes it linger
(01:55):
longer.
So we will be talking about whyfully feeling the loss is the
key to moving forward, and howto do that without getting stuck
in the pain, and then we willtalk about how losing your ex's
family actually makes youquestion your own worth and
internalize some negativebeliefs, wondering if you were
ever truly loved or if youbelonged in the first place.
(02:17):
But what if I told you thatthose painful thoughts aren't
facts and we really need to takea look at what those thoughts
are saying?
So stay with me, because in amoment, we're going to unravel
those beliefs and replace themwith truths that will set you
free.
And, finally, we're going tolook at the gaping hole where
your old support system used tobe.
But the good news is is thatloss can create space for
(02:39):
something new, something thatyou can own, and before this
episode ends, I will walk youthrough how to start building a
support system that's not just areplacement, but something even
stronger.
Let's dig in.
One of the things that Iabsolutely loved about being
married to my ex was his family.
(03:00):
There were so many things thatthat family did that my family
didn't.
That felt like medicine formany, many years.
You know the way they did,especially the holidays like all
the holidays honestly feltreally magical to me and there
was something very even thoughof course, there was drama and
conflict and whatever, like anyfamily there was just something
(03:23):
really family-ish about it and Igrew up kind of really
separated geographically from mylarger family and so when it
was just like my parents and I,holidays often felt flat, or you
know, the police were called, Idon't know.
You know what I mean.
There were things, and so thatparticular medicine was
something that was very, veryhard to lose.
(03:44):
Also, I was introduced to my exby one of his family members
and she said in the beginning,like if you break his heart, I
will break your legs, and it wasfunny and we laughed about it
at the time, but like, in theend it didn't work out and then
my I lost that friend and it waslike it was non-negotiable,
like that was it.
(04:04):
We just never spoke again andthat was super heartbreaking.
And I found out recently thatshe passed away and we never
spoke again after the divorceand it really hit me literally
in the gut.
I was shocked, I was devastatedand it's so interesting that so
(04:26):
many years later that thatgrief would still crop up in
that way and I actually ended uptexting my ex and just letting
him know that I was thinking ofhim and his family.
And you know, I just think thiswhole family piece it's an
element to the grief that is canbe certainly for many of us
deep and wide, and were therethings about, you know, his
(04:49):
family that stressed me out orfrustrated me?
Like, of course, right, nothingis all good or all bad, but it
definitely felt for me like amassive loss of a support system
and I don't even know that Iwas really dialed into that
grief early on.
I'm curious if you are.
(05:09):
This episode, this topic, cameup because several people sort
of in our community and even inmy personal life have mentioned
this, and so we knew it was timeto record it.
But I think that when you're inthe process of getting divorced
, there are so many other thingsthat need your attention that
grieving that maybe getsbackburnered a lot, and I just
(05:30):
want to really encourage youthat it's an important thing to
dedicate some time and space to,right To when you feel it come
up.
This is the key piece is to notjust swipe it aside and say
I'll deal with that later or Idon't want to feel that right
now and maybe in that momentit's not the time and space.
But as often as possible whenyou feel this grief to do with
(05:54):
his family come up, I want youto tap into it, even if it's
only for two minutes.
And I say two minutes for avery important reason because
there is data that says that ifyou let an emotion fully come in
and fully experience it and sitwith it, that in two minutes or
less it will pass and move on.
(06:14):
But we are so used to beingdissociative, disembodied, just
really numb or avoidant of ourpainful emotions that very, very
often we get stuck in emotionalloops, we get lost in the
stories we tell ourselves aboutthose emotions and then they
just pile on and pile on andpile on.
But if you could tap into thatpain, if you could take a deep
(06:38):
breath, if you could let it knowthat it belongs, if you could
identify where you felt it inyour body, and if you could, in
some physical or embodied way,express that pain and feel into
it, it would shift and you wouldfeel lighter.
Now there are some tools thatyou know that I love to do with
shifting energy in the body andmaking space for it to fully
(06:59):
process.
There are two remedies inparticular that are great for
this in the homeopathic realmOne is Ignatia and one is Natrum
.
You can get both of these onAmazon and I will put the links
in the show notes, and there'salso a flower essence that I
absolutely love for grief.
There are blends, there are somany beautiful flower essences,
(07:22):
but there are a couple Bachflower essences for neutralizing
grief that are absolutelyinvaluable as well.
So I will stick those in theshow notes.
I think that what theseremedies, these essences and
remedies do to help us processour grief is to allow it to come
in and go out, because we tendto, as I mentioned, dissociate
(07:44):
or loop on the thoughts.
In my experience, most of uscollapse thoughts with feelings,
and we don't realize that if wejust felt, purely felt, and let
go of the story we were tellingourselves about the feelings,
that we would feel better.
But we really like to tellourselves stories about those
(08:08):
feelings because it's how we tryto justify the pain, it's how
we try to distance ourselvesfrom the pain, it's how we try
to feel better about ourselvesin the midst of the pain and it
actually makes us feel worse.
So the next time it floats in,maybe you've, you know, added to
cart so that you have thesetools handy in your purse and
maybe you grab a pillow and youdo some pillow throwing.
(08:30):
Or maybe you know we talk aboutpillow throwing sometimes to
discharge anger, right.
But you know, what else I loveto do with a pillow to embody
something like grief is holdthat pillow like a baby or like
a little child right, cuddlethat pillow as though it is your
grieving self and reallyconnect with that pillow as
though it's a younger version ofyourself that's really
(08:52):
struggling to feel safe enoughto feel these big, big, big sad
feelings.
Man, pillows have like thiskind of star role over here in
the podcast.
But I want you to reallypractice physically embodying
these emotions and energeticallypushing them through your body,
not so much your mind, that's.
(09:13):
Let give yourself permission tocry, right, and if, if, crying
comes very, very easy for youand it's hard to stop crying.
That's ignatia.
And if crying feels unavailableto you and it feels like I
can't do that, I need to keepthis pushed down because I might
not ever stop.
That's natrium and the floweressences.
You can layer right in thereand it is just going to help be
(09:34):
a create a safe space in yourbody to go ahead and feel.
Now the next thing we're goingto dig into is how we
internalize negative beliefsassociated with grief.
Now, I asked a handful ofpeople to share some of theirs,
because I got to tell you we runour lives based on what is in
our subconscious mind, what webelieve about ourselves negative
(09:55):
or positive and if you're notaware of the negative beliefs
that are running your show, youthink you're making decisions
from a conscious place, but yoursubconscious is always going to
take priority.
And if you, for instance, right, make a decision that you're
gonna get up and you're gonna goto the gym every day this week
and then, when it comes time todo it, you don't actually go to
(10:15):
the gym, that's becausesomewhere in your subconscious
mind there's a negative beliefthat is blocking you from the
conscious decision you made.
So when we are grieving and weinternalize negative beliefs
about ourselves.
Love, it makes it so muchharder to move forward and have
our hearts open to new support,to new love, to new friendships,
(10:37):
to new experiences, to newfriendships, to new experiences,
to new connections, becausewe're protecting ourselves in
some way.
So some of the negative beliefsthat have become associated.
I want you to listen, for yourbody, right, I'm going to read
some to you and I want to listen.
I want you to listen to whatyour body says when you hear me
saying some of these.
I don't deserve love.
(10:57):
I should have done something.
I am a failure.
I'm insignificant orunimportant, I don't matter.
I cannot stand up for myself.
I should have known better.
I am helpless or powerless Bigdeep breath or powerless, big
(11:27):
deep breath.
Now, if your mind said, nope,none of those Dawn, none of
those are me, I want you to knowthat is a very strong sign that
you are dissociating your mindfrom your body, that you're not
super dialed in to your emotions, your subconscious, your body
awareness.
That that's a flag for you,right, when we have an absence
of resonance, it's not becausethere's nothing there, because
all humans live subconsciouslyby their belief systems and
(11:50):
people who are getting divorceddefinitely have negative beliefs
activated, and so if you'resomeone who's like nope, none of
those resonated, there's somewires disconnected that we have
to start by connecting up rightThen I want you to notice the
ones that did resonate.
Those are your stories that youprobably picked up from such a
long time ago and it's justplaying out again and again in
(12:13):
this particular context.
Have you ever heard of somethingcalled a repetition compulsion?
It was a Sigmund Freud idea,right that we all have these
woundings and then wesubconsciously repeat the same
behavior set or pattern,behavioral pattern, over and
over again, trying to resolve ituntil it feels good or we feel
like we've completed it or we'vefixed the problem right.
(12:34):
So, for instance, let's sayyour negative belief about this
is I'm a failure.
Then it's like the repetitioncompulsion.
Is that somewhere in yourchildhood maybe you felt like a
failure about something.
Maybe something happened andyou felt like somebody judged
you harshly or, you know,somebody really made you feel
like you were a failure and thenyou carried that with you, this
(12:56):
idea that you're a failure, andthen you'll subconsciously keep
picking circumstances that area setup for you to fail, things
that you just like can'tpossibly achieve, and you'll
keep doing that over and overagain, a subconscious pattern
trying to feel like yousucceeded, even in circumstances
that are relatively impossibleto do so.
(13:18):
So it's like until we start torealize like, oh, I've been
setting this up this way.
Subconsciously we keeprepeating this same sort of
unattainable pattern that leavesus feeling horrible about
ourselves.
And once we can become reallyconscious about the things that
are actually happening at asubconscious level, then we can
shift the pattern.
We can say oh right, which ishonestly what you're doing by.
(13:41):
Very often is honestly whatdivorce is doing is it's saying
I no longer want to do thisrepetition compulsion.
But the reality is is mostpeople leave it there.
They get divorced and they dosome good therapy and they focus
on grief, but they never tackletruly at a subconscious level,
those negative beliefs, grief,but they never tackle truly at a
subconscious level thosenegative beliefs.
And then they get remarriedfrom that same place and end up
(14:06):
experiencing it all over againbecause of the way the
subconscious mind works.
So if you notice which oneresonated there, I strongly
encourage you to really makesure you're doing some healing
work.
That involves shifting thosenegative beliefs into its
positive partner right.
So if you have this, I shouldhave done something.
It's like, oh, I did the best Icould.
So, until you can claim foryourself I did the best I could
(14:29):
and there's no resistance there,like you really feel that, like
you believe it up and down andin and out, you believe that you
are worthy of love, you didyour best, that you don't have
to be perfect, whatever thepositive partner statement is to
that internalized negativebelief, right.
Until you can own that foryourself so completely that it
doesn't have resistance on it,then you've still got some
(14:51):
subconscious work to do.
So that's the really importantthing to look at around losing
your ex's family, because thatis what's going to give you the
cleanest, best opportunity tomove forward building a new
support system that is yoursright, that is even stronger
than the last one, that feelstruly supportive in a way that
(15:13):
you've maybe never evenexperienced before.
But in order to do that, thesupport system that you're going
to attract, we want it to comefrom this place of ooh, these
positive beliefs about self,that you do deserve love, that
you don't have to be perfect,that you can stand up for
yourself, that you did the bestyou can, that you're doing the
(15:33):
best you can, that you're strongand you have choices right.
We want you to attract asupport system from those places
, which means doing thatsubconscious work is key.
Now to do with a support system.
I cannot say enough about howmuch leaning into these
uncomfortable spaces is going tobe for you feeling and healing
(15:57):
faster than you are now.
Very much of what I did in mypost-divorce life was leaning
into a new support system and Iknow you've heard me talk about
this a lot.
I joined Al-Anon.
I joined a personal developmentworkshop.
I joined a therapy group, andthese are just some of the
things right.
(16:18):
I joined a yoga community, andthese are just some of the
things right.
I joined a yoga community and ameditation community, and I
couldn't do all those things allthe time right, but I was a
part of these healing spaceswhere I knew people were
genuinely working hard onhealing and rising and believing
that there was so much betterfor themselves out there.
(16:38):
And having those people was socrucial to when I was having a
cluster headache cycle and Ineeded to go to the hospital or
I needed help hanging curtainsin my house or I just needed
somebody to snuggle with becauseI was so, so, so lonely, or I
needed someone to make planswith because I felt like such a
(17:01):
loser or whatever, or I neededsomebody to help me.
I don't know.
Fill in the blank right.
It was only by really claimingthat support system and leaning
into it and being willing to bea burden from time to time.
That, but a joyful burden.
I've recently started callingit with producer joy, like I
know this is a burden, but Ihope it's a joyful burden.
I've recently started callingit with producer joy, like, I
know this is a burden, but Ihope it's a joyful burden.
(17:22):
You know, this was really how Igot from A to B faster was
leaning into these spaces andthere's something really magical
about being able to talk aboutyour pain and to feel your
feelings and to get honestfeedback and to have hugs and
love and all of this vulnerablesupport in that season, Because
(17:45):
those relationships often end upbeing more intimate, they end
up being deeper, they end upinvolving more unconditional
love and those are all thethings that are medicine to your
attachment style, to your grief, to your internalized negative
beliefs.
But most of us loves resistvulnerability and certainly in
(18:10):
groups of people.
We resist vulnerability andvery often we try to find an
alternative to those things thatwe're like, ah, maybe I can do
it on my own, maybe there's away to get through this without
having to do that.
And I'm here to tell you thatthe things that you are avoiding
, that you hear people talkingabout and touting as really,
really powerful solutions, thethings that you are avoiding or
(18:32):
that you are afraid of, oftenhold clues to the thing you need
the most Right Now.
I'm not going to give yousomething as general as you know
.
Feel the fear and do it anyway,and just ignore what you're
feeling and just do the thing.
I'm telling you to take a lookat it.
If there's something you'reresisting there, there is
definitely something you need tobetter understand about
(18:54):
yourself and see if you're justavoiding the pain of
vulnerability in some way whenthat's actually the thing that
you need.
And remember what I said earlierin the episode we can say we
want something on a consciouslevel, but if we have a
subconscious belief blocking us,we will always self-sabotage.
(19:16):
So if you say you want to havea lover in the future that you
can trust and rest in, if yousay you want a healthy
attachment style.
If you say you want to feeltruly worthy and good enough
without having to talk yourselfinto it or get a ton of external
validation, then probably thereare a number of things that
(19:40):
you're going to have to do, thatare going to feel very, very
uncomfortable and vulnerable, inorder to get to the root of
those issues and to reprogramthem subconsciously, totally
available, totally possible, andit's probably not going to be
just doing the things that arepart of your sort of desire to
(20:01):
do it individually or withminimal pain.
Right, it doesn't even have totake that long.
I think there are so many waysthat we make our healing take so
much longer than it needs tobecause we're just afraid.
You know a small example like Ishowed Producer Joy one of my
new exciting superfoods that I'minto right now, which is copper
as a supplement, and I said,okay, but the first time you do
(20:24):
it, take half the recommendeddose.
And she was like, oh God, I'mafraid now, right, I think
that's the thing it's like whenwe, when we say here's what to
expect discomfort, it's like, oh, do I really want to do it?
You know, but here's your sign.
Yes, we, we want to, ifsomething is truly going to
(20:44):
change our lives for the better,we do want to do the short term
uncomfortable thing for thelong term gain, all right.
In today's episode we talkedabout the pain of losing your
ex's family and the importanceof feeling into the grief and
how to do that without gettingstuck in it.
We also talked about theimportance of reprogramming the
negative beliefs that you areprobably associating with losing
(21:06):
his family, because love youare pure magic and those
negative beliefs that you'rebought into they're just habits
of thought.
And finally, we talked aboutbuilding a new support system
that's even stronger, that'sbased on vulnerability,
transparency and letting peoplelove you well and accept you in
your pain not in spite of yourpain, because of your pain,
(21:29):
because you are beautifullyhuman and you are worthy of that
kind of love and support.
If you haven't followed me onInstagram yet, I want to
encourage you to do that.
It's where I hang out mostoften and I absolutely love
being able to get your DMMS and,you know, send you a DM and
like it's just my favorite thingto do, right?
So my handle is at Dawn WigginsCheck it out.
(21:50):
Love you so much.
Peace.
Dear Divorce Diary is a podcastby my coach Dawn.
You can find more atmycoachdawncom.
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