239. Signs Your Divorce Might Be Traumatic & Why You Need a Trauma Approach To Reclaim Your Identity
June 10, 2025 • 25 mins
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Has anyone ever told you to just "move on" after divorce, while inside you feel absolutely frozen, stuck, or overwhelmed by a pain you can’t quite name?
If you’re struggling with sleepless nights, brain fog, intense emotions, or simply can’t shake the feeling that something deeper is happening beneath the surface, you’re not alone—and you’re not broken. Many women are taught to tough it out after divorce, to be caretakers or to believe their pain "isn’t that bad," but the truth is: divorce often creates a trauma in your nervous system that can’t be ignored, minimized, or solved with willpower alone.
In this episode, you’ll discover why divorce is much more than just the end of a relationship, how to spot the hidden signs your body and mind are carrying trauma, and what real trauma-oriented healing looks like beyond just talk therapy or advice to "cope" and "let it go."
Listen now to reclaim your sense of wholeness—find out exactly how to honor the depth of your pain and start healing at a level that changes everything about how you move forward.
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A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.Â
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
If you've ever been told to just move on or focus on
your co-parenting, but yourbody feels frozen while your
mind can't stop spiraling,you're not crazy.
You're likely experiencingtrauma from this divorce.
Divorce may be common, but thatdoesn't mean it's not traumatic
, and today we're talking aboutwhy your healing requires more
(00:22):
than coping with the divorce,but it's calling for
trauma-informed care.
Hi love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
(00:43):
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
Okay, let's take a pause here,because I know not everyone is
(01:06):
comfortable with the word trauma.
Maybe you were taught to betough, or maybe you think trauma
means something dramatic, likeabuse or war or tragedy.
Maybe it feels weak or, aswomen often tell me, indulgent,
to apply that word to yourdivorce.
And I want to take a moment tolovingly challenge that before
(01:27):
we get into our three mainelements of the episode today,
because trauma isn't defined bythe event.
It's defined by the impact thatit has on your nervous system,
and it's not about necessarilywhat happened, but it's about
how the thing that happenedlanded inside of you.
(01:49):
And if your system couldn'tfully process or integrate the
experience, then it stores it,saves it for later.
And even if the world told youthat it was just a phase or you
should be over it by now, yournervous system and your mind may
not agree.
And if part of you is stillresisting the label of trauma,
(02:10):
that's okay.
Denial is also a protectiveresponse and it keeps you from
touching the pain until you'reready.
But if you're listening to this, you're probably more ready
than you realize.
You can acknowledge your painwithout becoming a victim of it.
You can name trauma and stillbe empowered, and you deserve
(02:30):
healing that honors the depth ofwhat you've been through.
Let's talk about the threethings we're going to dig into
in today's episode.
That will help you understandand identify whether or not
we're talking about youspecifically.
Right, we're going to talkabout very specifically what
makes divorce a trauma.
We're going to look at thespecific signs that you are
(02:53):
experiencing it as a trauma andwe're going to look at what
trauma-oriented treatment lookslike, so you can kind of compare
and contrast.
Right?
Is the steps that you're takingto recover.
Do they currently fall underthe trauma-informed approach.
All right, let's do it.
(03:16):
What makes divorce a trauma?
I think, as women, we are sonaturally like caretakers and
dismissers of our own needs andsuffering very often right.
And I think that we live in aworld right now where we are
bombarded with information aboutthe real traumas that are going
(03:40):
all over the world, and it isvery easy, as women, for us to
say like I am not in Gaza rightnow, therefore my trauma does
not qualify right.
Or I have not had, I'm not anillegal immigrant who's had her
child separated from her, or youknow, I still my children are a
lot, whatever, it is right.
(04:01):
But we compare our traumas andwe say, therefore, mine wasn't
as bad as this and I don'tdeserve to have this label.
And I think that's a reallyimportant thing to just notice
that we do as women.
That is going to come up as youlisten to this episode.
Okay, so what makes divorce atrauma?
Well, divorce was not just thegrief or loss of a person or a
(04:24):
relationship, right, it was thecollapse of an entire future
that you built your identityaround.
Just take a moment to let thatsink in.
So, yes, there was the loss ofthe relationship.
Yes, there was the loss or thecollapse of the future that you
had planned for, but this thirdpiece is the piece that is
(04:48):
probably so profoundly traumatic.
You built your identity aroundthat relationship, that future
you envisioned, and that familyin that particular constellation
as it was, and when we look atidentity collapse, that is one
(05:09):
of the core elements of trauma.
Then we have the legal systemyou had to engage with, and now
I know that there is a wholespectrum of legal experiences in
divorce.
Right, there's the beautifulwoman I talked to recently who's
experiencing parentalalienation and is going to trial
(05:30):
over divorce.
That's one end of the spectrumand for those of you that
experience are experiencing thatlevel of legal involvement,
like you especially, need to bereally sort of considering right
trauma as an element of thisand trauma-informed care right
now.
(05:50):
Right, and then there's theother end of the legal spectrum
where you know, you and your exand this is really what my ex
and I legally went through is wejust sort of decided it right
and we completed most of thepaperwork ourselves and then I
had someone sort of push itthrough and then, just like you
know, go through it with afine-tooth comb to make sure we
weren't missing anything.
(06:10):
So I didn't experience the legalsystem as a trauma, but most
people the legal system mimics aconflict model where there's a
winner and a loser, where thereis somebody bigger and somebody
smaller, winner and a loser,where there is somebody bigger
and somebody smaller and thereis a true sense of, I think,
helplessness and generalinsecurity.
(06:31):
When we are approaching thelegal system and when you look
at the emotional guidance scaleor emotion as a vibration, and
where we're vibrating is whatwe're attracting to us, one of
the lowest vibrational emotionalstates we can be in is sort of
this helpless, hopeless,despairing thing and I think
most of us, when we feel like wehave to approach the legal
system about anything,automatically it triggers into
(06:55):
that low, low, low vibe stateand when you're just embodying
that for any period of time,right, that is absolutely a
trauma.
Then we have financialinsecurity, right, and all of
the things that come with that,because we very much associate
financial insecurity with athreat to our survival, right,
(07:16):
maslow's hierarchy of needs food, clothing, shelter and when we
feel like those things arethreatened, we go into an
automatic trauma state fight,flight, freeze, fawn around
financial insecurity andsurvival.
And then we have the socialisolation piece how friends
choose sides, our communitythins out.
We automatically just end uplosing people somehow some way
(07:39):
through divorce.
There's a recalibration of oursocial circles and isolation is
directly associated with a senseof trauma, with chronic
depression, with shame, with allthose things.
Isolation is fundamentally whatultimately is causing trauma, is
a sense of I didn't have enoughsupport, I didn't have enough
(08:01):
resource to process what I wasgoing through and what is
isolation but a reduction inresources?
And then we have sort of thislack of like, familiarity or
ritual or cultural supportaround grief.
Right, grief is just notsomething that we thrive in
processing.
I think in a Western culture weare not good at ritualizing
(08:25):
grief and allowing space for usto sit in it and share it with
each other.
We're a very hustle culturecountry if you're listening to
this podcast in the West inparticular and we're really good
at holding space for people whoare grieving for about a week
and then we all move on and thepeople who are grieving are
(08:46):
still very much in their griefand that is a very, very real
phenomenon.
I have watched clients gothrough all the time and then
here is the icing on the cake,and you may or may not be in on
this what I'm going to call joke.
Right, it's not a joke, but Ilike that phrase in on the joke.
Are you in on the joke that ifyou already had childhood trauma
(09:09):
in your nervous system, divorcereactivates it?
And so then you have all of thechildhood trauma reactivated
while experiencing this divorcetrauma piece?
Now, not everybody is awarethat they had childhood trauma
in their nervous system, and I'mgoing to add to that you may
not be aware that you hadchildhood trauma in your
(09:31):
ancestral nervous system, right?
Because some people genuinelydid not experience profound
traumas in their childhoods, butsomewhere in their ancestral
line there was, and thatabsolutely can be activated by a
trauma like this.
So this is less common, right?
But you've often heard mereference my dear friend and
(09:51):
strength trainer.
She's had certainly sometraumas in her childhood, but
not like profound traumas, andso she and I often talk about
like wow, why does she have somany certain struggles?
Right, but when we talk aboutthe generations that came before
her, there were profoundtraumas in her ancestral
(10:14):
transgenerational lines, right?
And so very often when we'relooking at therapeutic
strategies, I'm not hertherapist.
She has an amazing therapist.
Shout out to her amazingtherapist.
When we do parts work and thesetypes of things, we come at it
from a transgenerationalperspective and we often talk
about, when I am selectinghomeopathic remedies for her
what was her grandmother'spresentation, her
(10:35):
great-grandmother's presentationon her mom's side and her dad's
side, and that's how we pickremedies.
So absolutely these things canget activated, even if they
weren't your traumas.
Isn't that interesting?
Now let's look at signs.
You may be experiencing thisdivorce as a trauma.
You find yourself feelingemotionally numb.
(10:58):
Are you experiencing rage,panic, despair.
Are you experiencing sleepdisruption, brain fog, chronic
illness like chronic headaches?
Are you seeing a disruption inyour hormonal cycles?
(11:21):
Are you finding that you'regetting sick more often and just
can't quite shake it?
Are you noticing behaviorchanges like do you have certain
compulsive behaviors, likecompulsive phone checking or
compulsive phone scrolling orcompulsive eating or compulsive
(11:41):
thought patterns, where you'remaybe trying to finish
conversations in your mind orplan out conversations in your
mind?
Are you noticing yourselfself-sabotaging in ways where
you start to make progress andthen you collapse?
Do you notice that you arefunctioning from a place of high
(12:06):
functioning shutdown?
That's like a jumbo shrimpthing that I just said.
Right there, where you'refunctioning, you're checking
boxes, you're going through themotions, you're doing everything
you need to do, but you'reactually doing that from a place
of shutdown, frozenness ornumbness, or going through the
potions.
You're not actually feeling asense of satisfaction in the
(12:27):
things you're doing throughoutyour day.
You're doing them because theyhave to be done and you're
getting them done and, man,you're nailing it, but it
doesn't actually feel good to benailing it.
Do you relate to the phrasedissociation?
And we are going to, in ourThursday episode this week,
which is our premium episode forpremium subscribers, we are
(12:50):
going to do a deep dive intodissociation, what it is, what
it looks like, but do you knowthat you have been dissociating
on some level?
These are signs you'reexperiencing divorce as trauma.
I think that there are a lot ofways we have come to, as a
Western society, look at thesethings as normal, and just
(13:13):
because they're common doesn'tmake them normal.
If I had a dollar for everytime, a client said to me well,
I think that's normal, dawn, andI'm like, no, no, ma'am, it is
not normal.
It has become commonplace andit has become something we are
told we have to just live with.
But that is not true.
And I think that when there's anarrative like that, we have to
(13:36):
ask ourselves who benefits fromthat narrative.
And I think very often thepeople who benefit from that
narrative are our bosses, thelegal system, maybe even our
exes or you know.
Just like, ask yourself whobenefits from you telling
yourself that these chronicsigns of trauma are normal.
(13:57):
And it's probably not you,right, it's probably someone
outside of you who relies on youover-functioning, to make their
life continue withoutdisruption.
I think the school systembenefits from us minimizing
these systems.
I think our workplaces, I thinkeven our churches.
I'm going to say, right, like,since my husband and I have
(14:19):
started serving at church, um,probably over a year ago now,
I've noticed like, wow, eventhat service, right.
It then ends up on some level.
I'm not, it's not all ornothing.
I'm not throwing the baby outwith the bathwater, right.
But when there's not enoughpeople to serve in our
particular service area in thatweek, it's like, oh well, we
(14:39):
need you, you know.
And now am I going to churchbecause I'm going to church or
because I am functioning, toserve in this role so that the
system can continue right.
I think it's really, reallyimportant to look at if you are
minimizing these effects oftrauma the intensity of emotion,
the intensity of the numbnessor the shutdown, the sleep
disruption, the brain fog, theillness.
That's real and it needs a veryspecific set of treatments and
(15:05):
it needs extra special care andattention.
And if someone in your world oryou are in denial about the
intensity of these symptoms, Iwant you to ask yourself why.
All right, finally, let's lookat what trauma-oriented
treatment looks like, becausethis is key, right?
I cannot say enough that talktherapy does not treat trauma.
(15:26):
Talk therapy, coaching,pastoral counseling does not
treat trauma trauma.
Now, that does not mean thatany of those things are wrong or
bad.
I am not advocating againsttalk therapy, pastoral
counseling or coaching.
I am saying that is the tip ofthe iceberg.
(15:48):
And if you are using thosethings and you are relying them
prayer, prayer I'm going to goout on a limb and say something
really freaking spicy here.
Prayer alone does not treattrauma.
Okay, so if you are relying onthese things to treat versus
those being tools you are using,listen, pray without ceasing is
(16:09):
a very real scripture that Ivery, very, very much believe in
, but prayer is not the thing Irely on.
I rely on the tools that Godhas taught me.
He built my body to be able toaccess.
God designed the body to healitself.
Prayer is part of aconversation I have with my
(16:30):
higher power.
It is not the totality of whatGod designed my body to be able
to do.
God designed my body to havethe capacity to treat trauma.
God designed the body to havethe capacity to dissociate from
trauma until there is a time forme to be able to treat it.
God's design for the body is soelite and we are not even
(16:53):
scratching the surface of hisdesign.
Well, we do here in thispodcast.
Quite frankly, we actuallyreach into the depths of God's
design.
Here at this podcast, I'm sortof saying globally right, we are
not fully leveraging God'sdesign in our body, but prayer
is only part of it, and so, ifthose are some of the things
you've been relying on, yourtreatment plan is sub par love
(17:15):
and we need to really take alook at it.
So, first things first,trauma-oriented treatment looks
like we need to validate thetrauma response If you listen to
Thursday's episode and yourealize holy shit, dawn, I've
been dissociating a lot.
We've got to first acknowledgethat.
How can we treat somethingwe're not even in tune with
right?
So the first thing is beingable to validate and identify
(17:37):
the trauma response when it iscoming up.
And then we have to heal at thelevel of the nervous system and
not just the story.
And so we're really addressingthe story in talk therapy,
coaching and in our prayer livesand in our journals, but we
have to be treating it at thelevel of the nervous system.
And that is a conversationwe're having in a lot of
(17:57):
episodes around here, right, andwe love having that
conversation.
But it often means slowing downand being really good stewards
and listeners to our bodies.
And I think most of us say like, oh, I can't slow down until
you become so chronically ill,you don't have a choice.
Oh, I can't take on thatparticular new treatment
approach, dawn, I don't have thetime, I don't have the money, I
(18:17):
don't have the bandwidth, andyou're going to stick with that
story until you become sodistressed at the results you're
getting in your life over andover again you feel like you
have no choice.
It's very interesting, right?
We often, until we've backedourselves into a corner, we're
often not willing to listen tothis advice, we're not willing
to really tap into the depths ofwhat our bodies can do to heal,
(18:39):
we will tell ourselves so manystories about why we can't,
until we're left with nofreaking option.
That was my story, how oftenhas that been your story?
And so giving yourselfpermission and holding yourself
responsible to not wait untilyou have no other choice to heal
the trauma.
(19:00):
And then, of course, we needmodalities that can get into the
depth of those subconsciouspatterns and that nervous system
work.
And so that means somaticsright Movement, trauma-informed
movement that helps usdissociate less and get into the
body more.
And then homeopathy to helpaddress the dissociation,
because if there's an amount ofdissociation in the way, then
(19:23):
EMDR therapy or EFT, tapping orjournaling or somatics aren't
going to work right.
So for all of those people outthere who have heard people say
like, oh, I used EMDR and itdidn't work for me, it's because
dissociation, it's allconnected friends, and so we
have to be using thosemodalities that are going to go
to the depths of the healingthat needs to happen, which
(19:44):
means rehabbing your sleep,rehabbing your daily patterns,
rehabbing your diet.
It means doing things like EFT,emdr, somatics and homeopathy.
And then it really, reallyrequires us to look at
timeline-based healing.
What do I mean bytimeline-based healing?
It means where did this patternstart?
Did it start when the divorceproceedings started?
(20:06):
Or did it start before that inyour marriage, when there were
already signs of dissociation,distress and nervous system
disruption in your marriage?
Or did it start long beforethat, when you suppressed
patterns and awareness ofpatterns because there was
childhood stuff going on and Idon't know right, like that's
(20:29):
what we got to take a look at?
In homeopathy, we look at whenwas your never well since?
I've never been well since,blank, when is that Right?
And for me, I really think Iwas born never well since.
But but um, we can, you know,not, that's not everybody's
experience, you know.
I remember hearing aconversation between a couple of
(20:52):
people in my life and one womanasked the other woman what's
your never well since?
And she said, ah, since thebirth of my first child.
I've really been never wellsince the birth of my first
child.
And I was like, oh, that'sinteresting, tell me more.
And she's like yeah, I reallywas a high functioning kid.
I was the good kid that myparents always relied on to be
(21:12):
the easy kid and already I had alittle flag going off, right.
She was like I was highfunctioning, I got good grades,
I was really really always onthe ball, I handled my own shit.
I had an eating disorder andnobody ever even knew about it.
That's how high functioning andon point I was.
Well love, that's your neverwell since, never well since
became high functioning and hada secret eating disorder, right.
(21:36):
So it's so interesting how thestories we tell ourselves about
ourselves.
You know somebody I knowrecently.
I was watching their Instagramstories and they were bragging
about their perfect child onInstagram about how her summer
to-do list involved taking careof all these household chores
for her mom.
And there was not a singlething on her summer to-do list
that involved playing or doingkid things.
(21:58):
And this is a 10-year-old.
That's trauma showing up.
That's not normal, that'scommon, but that's a trauma
response right there that that10-year-old is going through
something right now that shebelieves she has to
over-function that well for hermother.
So, loves, we really have tostart looking at this with some
intellectual and emotionalhonesty.
(22:19):
Otherwise we are notinterrupting these patterns for
our children and our children'schildren.
So you'll really want to checkout our Thursday episode for
premium subscribers, where weare going to deep dive into
dissociation what it looks like,how to know when you're doing
it and how to, over time, stopdoing it and interrupt the
pattern.
I think most of us have beendoing this a very, very long
(22:42):
time dissociation and it'stricky to interrupt.
And, of course, my favoriteanswer is homeopathy.
Right, and yes, we have ahomeopathic blend for
dissociation that, absolutely.
If you want to get your handson that, just send me a DM.
I need the blend fordissociation that, absolutely.
(23:06):
If you want to get your handson that, just send me a DM.
I need the blend fordissociation.
But then, beyond that, it's nota total and complete cure-all.
It's almost that right, but westill have to catch it when
we're doing it.
Even though I use homeopathy,there are still moments where I
will drop into a dissociativestate and I have to catch myself
and I have to take some somaticsteps in order to move out of
that or take a dose of a remedyto move out of that.
So look forward to our Thursdayepisode.
If you are not a premiumsubscriber, highly, highly,
(23:26):
highly recommend it is so worthit, not only because the content
is worth it, but because youwill get more out of this
podcast having a littleenergetic investment in it,
right, because where we pay, wepay attention.
Friend, it's $5 a month.
You will have your own uniqueRSS feed and if you need
instructions on how to do that,they're in the show notes.
Scroll all the way to thebottom.
All right, I love you so much.
(23:47):
I will see you on Thursday.
Peace, dear.
Divorce Diary is a podcast bymy coach, dawn.
You can find more atmycoachdawncom.
If you've ever been told to just move on or focus on
your co-parenting, but yourbody feels frozen while your
mind can't stop spiraling,you're not crazy.
You're likely experiencingtrauma from this divorce.
Divorce may be common, but thatdoesn't mean it's not traumatic
, and today we're talking aboutwhy your healing requires more
(00:22):
than coping with the divorce,but it's calling for
trauma-informed care.
Hi love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
(00:43):
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
Okay, let's take a pause here,because I know not everyone is
(01:06):
comfortable with the word trauma.
Maybe you were taught to betough, or maybe you think trauma
means something dramatic, likeabuse or war or tragedy.
Maybe it feels weak or, aswomen often tell me, indulgent,
to apply that word to yourdivorce.
And I want to take a moment tolovingly challenge that before
(01:27):
we get into our three mainelements of the episode today,
because trauma isn't defined bythe event.
It's defined by the impact thatit has on your nervous system,
and it's not about necessarilywhat happened, but it's about
how the thing that happenedlanded inside of you.
(01:49):
And if your system couldn'tfully process or integrate the
experience, then it stores it,saves it for later.
And even if the world told youthat it was just a phase or you
should be over it by now, yournervous system and your mind may
not agree.
And if part of you is stillresisting the label of trauma,
(02:10):
that's okay.
Denial is also a protectiveresponse and it keeps you from
touching the pain until you'reready.
But if you're listening to this, you're probably more ready
than you realize.
You can acknowledge your painwithout becoming a victim of it.
You can name trauma and stillbe empowered, and you deserve
(02:30):
healing that honors the depth ofwhat you've been through.
Let's talk about the threethings we're going to dig into
in today's episode.
That will help you understandand identify whether or not
we're talking about youspecifically.
Right, we're going to talkabout very specifically what
makes divorce a trauma.
We're going to look at thespecific signs that you are
(02:53):
experiencing it as a trauma andwe're going to look at what
trauma-oriented treatment lookslike, so you can kind of compare
and contrast.
Right?
Is the steps that you're takingto recover.
Do they currently fall underthe trauma-informed approach.
All right, let's do it.
(03:16):
What makes divorce a trauma?
I think, as women, we are sonaturally like caretakers and
dismissers of our own needs andsuffering very often right.
And I think that we live in aworld right now where we are
bombarded with information aboutthe real traumas that are going
(03:40):
all over the world, and it isvery easy, as women, for us to
say like I am not in Gaza rightnow, therefore my trauma does
not qualify right.
Or I have not had, I'm not anillegal immigrant who's had her
child separated from her, or youknow, I still my children are a
lot, whatever, it is right.
(04:01):
But we compare our traumas andwe say, therefore, mine wasn't
as bad as this and I don'tdeserve to have this label.
And I think that's a reallyimportant thing to just notice
that we do as women.
That is going to come up as youlisten to this episode.
Okay, so what makes divorce atrauma?
Well, divorce was not just thegrief or loss of a person or a
(04:24):
relationship, right, it was thecollapse of an entire future
that you built your identityaround.
Just take a moment to let thatsink in.
So, yes, there was the loss ofthe relationship.
Yes, there was the loss or thecollapse of the future that you
had planned for, but this thirdpiece is the piece that is
(04:48):
probably so profoundly traumatic.
You built your identity aroundthat relationship, that future
you envisioned, and that familyin that particular constellation
as it was, and when we look atidentity collapse, that is one
(05:09):
of the core elements of trauma.
Then we have the legal systemyou had to engage with, and now
I know that there is a wholespectrum of legal experiences in
divorce.
Right, there's the beautifulwoman I talked to recently who's
experiencing parentalalienation and is going to trial
(05:30):
over divorce.
That's one end of the spectrumand for those of you that
experience are experiencing thatlevel of legal involvement,
like you especially, need to bereally sort of considering right
trauma as an element of thisand trauma-informed care right
now.
(05:50):
Right, and then there's theother end of the legal spectrum
where you know, you and your exand this is really what my ex
and I legally went through is wejust sort of decided it right
and we completed most of thepaperwork ourselves and then I
had someone sort of push itthrough and then, just like you
know, go through it with afine-tooth comb to make sure we
weren't missing anything.
(06:10):
So I didn't experience the legalsystem as a trauma, but most
people the legal system mimics aconflict model where there's a
winner and a loser, where thereis somebody bigger and somebody
smaller, winner and a loser,where there is somebody bigger
and somebody smaller and thereis a true sense of, I think,
helplessness and generalinsecurity.
(06:31):
When we are approaching thelegal system and when you look
at the emotional guidance scaleor emotion as a vibration, and
where we're vibrating is whatwe're attracting to us, one of
the lowest vibrational emotionalstates we can be in is sort of
this helpless, hopeless,despairing thing and I think
most of us, when we feel like wehave to approach the legal
system about anything,automatically it triggers into
(06:55):
that low, low, low vibe stateand when you're just embodying
that for any period of time,right, that is absolutely a
trauma.
Then we have financialinsecurity, right, and all of
the things that come with that,because we very much associate
financial insecurity with athreat to our survival, right,
(07:16):
maslow's hierarchy of needs food, clothing, shelter and when we
feel like those things arethreatened, we go into an
automatic trauma state fight,flight, freeze, fawn around
financial insecurity andsurvival.
And then we have the socialisolation piece how friends
choose sides, our communitythins out.
We automatically just end uplosing people somehow some way
(07:39):
through divorce.
There's a recalibration of oursocial circles and isolation is
directly associated with a senseof trauma, with chronic
depression, with shame, with allthose things.
Isolation is fundamentally whatultimately is causing trauma, is
a sense of I didn't have enoughsupport, I didn't have enough
(08:01):
resource to process what I wasgoing through and what is
isolation but a reduction inresources?
And then we have sort of thislack of like, familiarity or
ritual or cultural supportaround grief.
Right, grief is just notsomething that we thrive in
processing.
I think in a Western culture weare not good at ritualizing
(08:25):
grief and allowing space for usto sit in it and share it with
each other.
We're a very hustle culturecountry if you're listening to
this podcast in the West inparticular and we're really good
at holding space for people whoare grieving for about a week
and then we all move on and thepeople who are grieving are
(08:46):
still very much in their griefand that is a very, very real
phenomenon.
I have watched clients gothrough all the time and then
here is the icing on the cake,and you may or may not be in on
this what I'm going to call joke.
Right, it's not a joke, but Ilike that phrase in on the joke.
Are you in on the joke that ifyou already had childhood trauma
(09:09):
in your nervous system, divorcereactivates it?
And so then you have all of thechildhood trauma reactivated
while experiencing this divorcetrauma piece?
Now, not everybody is awarethat they had childhood trauma
in their nervous system, and I'mgoing to add to that you may
not be aware that you hadchildhood trauma in your
(09:31):
ancestral nervous system, right?
Because some people genuinelydid not experience profound
traumas in their childhoods, butsomewhere in their ancestral
line there was, and thatabsolutely can be activated by a
trauma like this.
So this is less common, right?
But you've often heard mereference my dear friend and
(09:51):
strength trainer.
She's had certainly sometraumas in her childhood, but
not like profound traumas, andso she and I often talk about
like wow, why does she have somany certain struggles?
Right, but when we talk aboutthe generations that came before
her, there were profoundtraumas in her ancestral
(10:14):
transgenerational lines, right?
And so very often when we'relooking at therapeutic
strategies, I'm not hertherapist.
She has an amazing therapist.
Shout out to her amazingtherapist.
When we do parts work and thesetypes of things, we come at it
from a transgenerationalperspective and we often talk
about, when I am selectinghomeopathic remedies for her
what was her grandmother'spresentation, her
(10:35):
great-grandmother's presentationon her mom's side and her dad's
side, and that's how we pickremedies.
So absolutely these things canget activated, even if they
weren't your traumas.
Isn't that interesting?
Now let's look at signs.
You may be experiencing thisdivorce as a trauma.
You find yourself feelingemotionally numb.
(10:58):
Are you experiencing rage,panic, despair.
Are you experiencing sleepdisruption, brain fog, chronic
illness like chronic headaches?
Are you seeing a disruption inyour hormonal cycles?
(11:21):
Are you finding that you'regetting sick more often and just
can't quite shake it?
Are you noticing behaviorchanges like do you have certain
compulsive behaviors, likecompulsive phone checking or
compulsive phone scrolling orcompulsive eating or compulsive
(11:41):
thought patterns, where you'remaybe trying to finish
conversations in your mind orplan out conversations in your
mind?
Are you noticing yourselfself-sabotaging in ways where
you start to make progress andthen you collapse?
Do you notice that you arefunctioning from a place of high
(12:06):
functioning shutdown?
That's like a jumbo shrimpthing that I just said.
Right there, where you'refunctioning, you're checking
boxes, you're going through themotions, you're doing everything
you need to do, but you'reactually doing that from a place
of shutdown, frozenness ornumbness, or going through the
potions.
You're not actually feeling asense of satisfaction in the
(12:27):
things you're doing throughoutyour day.
You're doing them because theyhave to be done and you're
getting them done and, man,you're nailing it, but it
doesn't actually feel good to benailing it.
Do you relate to the phrasedissociation?
And we are going to, in ourThursday episode this week,
which is our premium episode forpremium subscribers, we are
(12:50):
going to do a deep dive intodissociation, what it is, what
it looks like, but do you knowthat you have been dissociating
on some level?
These are signs you'reexperiencing divorce as trauma.
I think that there are a lot ofways we have come to, as a
Western society, look at thesethings as normal, and just
(13:13):
because they're common doesn'tmake them normal.
If I had a dollar for everytime, a client said to me well,
I think that's normal, dawn, andI'm like, no, no, ma'am, it is
not normal.
It has become commonplace andit has become something we are
told we have to just live with.
But that is not true.
And I think that when there's anarrative like that, we have to
(13:36):
ask ourselves who benefits fromthat narrative.
And I think very often thepeople who benefit from that
narrative are our bosses, thelegal system, maybe even our
exes or you know.
Just like, ask yourself whobenefits from you telling
yourself that these chronicsigns of trauma are normal.
(13:57):
And it's probably not you,right, it's probably someone
outside of you who relies on youover-functioning, to make their
life continue withoutdisruption.
I think the school systembenefits from us minimizing
these systems.
I think our workplaces, I thinkeven our churches.
I'm going to say, right, like,since my husband and I have
(14:19):
started serving at church, um,probably over a year ago now,
I've noticed like, wow, eventhat service, right.
It then ends up on some level.
I'm not, it's not all ornothing.
I'm not throwing the baby outwith the bathwater, right.
But when there's not enoughpeople to serve in our
particular service area in thatweek, it's like, oh well, we
(14:39):
need you, you know.
And now am I going to churchbecause I'm going to church or
because I am functioning, toserve in this role so that the
system can continue right.
I think it's really, reallyimportant to look at if you are
minimizing these effects oftrauma the intensity of emotion,
the intensity of the numbnessor the shutdown, the sleep
disruption, the brain fog, theillness.
That's real and it needs a veryspecific set of treatments and
(15:05):
it needs extra special care andattention.
And if someone in your world oryou are in denial about the
intensity of these symptoms, Iwant you to ask yourself why.
All right, finally, let's lookat what trauma-oriented
treatment looks like, becausethis is key, right?
I cannot say enough that talktherapy does not treat trauma.
(15:26):
Talk therapy, coaching,pastoral counseling does not
treat trauma trauma.
Now, that does not mean thatany of those things are wrong or
bad.
I am not advocating againsttalk therapy, pastoral
counseling or coaching.
I am saying that is the tip ofthe iceberg.
(15:48):
And if you are using thosethings and you are relying them
prayer, prayer I'm going to goout on a limb and say something
really freaking spicy here.
Prayer alone does not treattrauma.
Okay, so if you are relying onthese things to treat versus
those being tools you are using,listen, pray without ceasing is
(16:09):
a very real scripture that Ivery, very, very much believe in
, but prayer is not the thing Irely on.
I rely on the tools that Godhas taught me.
He built my body to be able toaccess.
God designed the body to healitself.
Prayer is part of aconversation I have with my
(16:30):
higher power.
It is not the totality of whatGod designed my body to be able
to do.
God designed my body to havethe capacity to treat trauma.
God designed the body to havethe capacity to dissociate from
trauma until there is a time forme to be able to treat it.
God's design for the body is soelite and we are not even
(16:53):
scratching the surface of hisdesign.
Well, we do here in thispodcast.
Quite frankly, we actuallyreach into the depths of God's
design.
Here at this podcast, I'm sortof saying globally right, we are
not fully leveraging God'sdesign in our body, but prayer
is only part of it, and so, ifthose are some of the things
you've been relying on, yourtreatment plan is sub par love
(17:15):
and we need to really take alook at it.
So, first things first,trauma-oriented treatment looks
like we need to validate thetrauma response If you listen to
Thursday's episode and yourealize holy shit, dawn, I've
been dissociating a lot.
We've got to first acknowledgethat.
How can we treat somethingwe're not even in tune with
right?
So the first thing is beingable to validate and identify
(17:37):
the trauma response when it iscoming up.
And then we have to heal at thelevel of the nervous system and
not just the story.
And so we're really addressingthe story in talk therapy,
coaching and in our prayer livesand in our journals, but we
have to be treating it at thelevel of the nervous system.
And that is a conversationwe're having in a lot of
(17:57):
episodes around here, right, andwe love having that
conversation.
But it often means slowing downand being really good stewards
and listeners to our bodies.
And I think most of us say like, oh, I can't slow down until
you become so chronically ill,you don't have a choice.
Oh, I can't take on thatparticular new treatment
approach, dawn, I don't have thetime, I don't have the money, I
(18:17):
don't have the bandwidth, andyou're going to stick with that
story until you become sodistressed at the results you're
getting in your life over andover again you feel like you
have no choice.
It's very interesting, right?
We often, until we've backedourselves into a corner, we're
often not willing to listen tothis advice, we're not willing
to really tap into the depths ofwhat our bodies can do to heal,
(18:39):
we will tell ourselves so manystories about why we can't,
until we're left with nofreaking option.
That was my story, how oftenhas that been your story?
And so giving yourselfpermission and holding yourself
responsible to not wait untilyou have no other choice to heal
the trauma.
(19:00):
And then, of course, we needmodalities that can get into the
depth of those subconsciouspatterns and that nervous system
work.
And so that means somaticsright Movement, trauma-informed
movement that helps usdissociate less and get into the
body more.
And then homeopathy to helpaddress the dissociation,
because if there's an amount ofdissociation in the way, then
(19:23):
EMDR therapy or EFT, tapping orjournaling or somatics aren't
going to work right.
So for all of those people outthere who have heard people say
like, oh, I used EMDR and itdidn't work for me, it's because
dissociation, it's allconnected friends, and so we
have to be using thosemodalities that are going to go
to the depths of the healingthat needs to happen, which
(19:44):
means rehabbing your sleep,rehabbing your daily patterns,
rehabbing your diet.
It means doing things like EFT,emdr, somatics and homeopathy.
And then it really, reallyrequires us to look at
timeline-based healing.
What do I mean bytimeline-based healing?
It means where did this patternstart?
Did it start when the divorceproceedings started?
(20:06):
Or did it start before that inyour marriage, when there were
already signs of dissociation,distress and nervous system
disruption in your marriage?
Or did it start long beforethat, when you suppressed
patterns and awareness ofpatterns because there was
childhood stuff going on and Idon't know right, like that's
(20:29):
what we got to take a look at?
In homeopathy, we look at whenwas your never well since?
I've never been well since,blank, when is that Right?
And for me, I really think Iwas born never well since.
But but um, we can, you know,not, that's not everybody's
experience, you know.
I remember hearing aconversation between a couple of
(20:52):
people in my life and one womanasked the other woman what's
your never well since?
And she said, ah, since thebirth of my first child.
I've really been never wellsince the birth of my first
child.
And I was like, oh, that'sinteresting, tell me more.
And she's like yeah, I reallywas a high functioning kid.
I was the good kid that myparents always relied on to be
(21:12):
the easy kid and already I had alittle flag going off, right.
She was like I was highfunctioning, I got good grades,
I was really really always onthe ball, I handled my own shit.
I had an eating disorder andnobody ever even knew about it.
That's how high functioning andon point I was.
Well love, that's your neverwell since, never well since
became high functioning and hada secret eating disorder, right.
(21:36):
So it's so interesting how thestories we tell ourselves about
ourselves.
You know somebody I knowrecently.
I was watching their Instagramstories and they were bragging
about their perfect child onInstagram about how her summer
to-do list involved taking careof all these household chores
for her mom.
And there was not a singlething on her summer to-do list
that involved playing or doingkid things.
(21:58):
And this is a 10-year-old.
That's trauma showing up.
That's not normal, that'scommon, but that's a trauma
response right there that that10-year-old is going through
something right now that shebelieves she has to
over-function that well for hermother.
So, loves, we really have tostart looking at this with some
intellectual and emotionalhonesty.
(22:19):
Otherwise we are notinterrupting these patterns for
our children and our children'schildren.
So you'll really want to checkout our Thursday episode for
premium subscribers, where weare going to deep dive into
dissociation what it looks like,how to know when you're doing
it and how to, over time, stopdoing it and interrupt the
pattern.
I think most of us have beendoing this a very, very long
(22:42):
time dissociation and it'stricky to interrupt.
And, of course, my favoriteanswer is homeopathy.
Right, and yes, we have ahomeopathic blend for
dissociation that, absolutely.
If you want to get your handson that, just send me a DM.
I need the blend fordissociation that, absolutely.
(23:06):
If you want to get your handson that, just send me a DM.
I need the blend fordissociation.
But then, beyond that, it's nota total and complete cure-all.
It's almost that right, but westill have to catch it when
we're doing it.
Even though I use homeopathy,there are still moments where I
will drop into a dissociativestate and I have to catch myself
and I have to take some somaticsteps in order to move out of
that or take a dose of a remedyto move out of that.
So look forward to our Thursdayepisode.
If you are not a premiumsubscriber, highly, highly,
(23:26):
highly recommend it is so worthit, not only because the content
is worth it, but because youwill get more out of this
podcast having a littleenergetic investment in it,
right, because where we pay, wepay attention.
Friend, it's $5 a month.
You will have your own uniqueRSS feed and if you need
instructions on how to do that,they're in the show notes.
Scroll all the way to thebottom.
All right, I love you so much.
(23:47):
I will see you on Thursday.
Peace, dear.
Divorce Diary is a podcast bymy coach, dawn.
You can find more atmycoachdawncom.
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