June 17, 2025 • 48 mins
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What if the real reason you’re struggling with dating after divorce isn’t apps, bad luck, or a lack of available partners—but a hidden disbelief in love itself?
If you’ve found yourself swiping endlessly, feeling exhausted by the dating scene, or doubting that real love is out there for you (especially if you’re a woman over 40 or 50), this episode will hit close to home. Too many divorced women get caught in a cycle of self-sabotage, without realizing the biggest block isn’t “no good men”—it’s their own unexamined beliefs and unresolved wounds.
In this conversation with renowned life coach Laurie Gerber, you’ll discover:
- The “3H Method” to honestly assess your desires (head, heart, and hoo-ha!) so you stop settling and start attracting real matches.
- Why pausing to do your inner work will actually accelerate finding meaningful love—and how to detox from your past relationship patterns for good.
- Tactical dating strategies for women with children, including how to talk to your kids and protect your own boundaries (without guilt or self-sacrifice).
Don’t let invisible beliefs hold you back or waste more time—press play now to learn how to clear your biggest obstacles and finally create the love story you truly desire!
Find Laurie's Free Webinar Here
Post Divorce Roadmap - 21 Days of Guided Journaling
Join The list for A Different D Word, our personalized healing program.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dawnwiggins/
On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.Â
Click HERE To Attend Somatic Workshop For Releasing 'What Could've Been'
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Ladies, we are blessed because today we have
with us Lori Gerber, and she isliterally one of the most
engaging and effective lifecoaches.
She has appeared on the TodayShow, dr Phil, mtv, a&e.
She has been the resident loveexpert at Match, zoosk, j-date
many more.
She is the expert we have beenwaiting for here on Dear Divorce
(00:22):
Diary.
She lives in NYC, she loves tomeditate, jog.
She's got three beautifulchildren, whom she jokes that
you know.
In her spare time she attemptsto get cuddles from them.
She has been married for 26years.
She is bringing us her wisdomtoday.
We are going to talk about yourbeliefs, the way you
self-sabotage dating.
(00:43):
We are going to talk aboutdating preparation tactical way
you self-sabotage dating.
We are going to talk aboutdating preparation tactical
strategies, and she is going toshare with us some bold truths
and the wisdom of her experience.
Hi love.
Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary,the podcast helping divorcees go
beyond talk therapy to processyour grief, find the healing you
(01:05):
crave and build back yourconfidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Lori, welcome.
Ta-da, ta-da.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
So you tell them your version of how we met and a
little bit of your backstory.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Oh, just totally synchronicity magic Right.
These people believe in thatright that they do.
We have a common professionalconnection that decided that we
should all be in cahoots tocreate content for the world.
Cahoots, cahoots.
(02:00):
We got cahooted and you and Itook one look over the zoom
cameras and said we are meant tobe together.
And now here we arecollaborating on our first
content effort.
And my backstory is I've beenin the coaching biz for over 20
(02:20):
years and before life coachingwas a thing and certainly it was
embarrassing to even say I didit.
That was my original thoughtabout life coaching, but I so
loved the hand out method, whichis the method I teach okay,
that I could not help myself.
I needed to teach it to theworld.
It was originally developed atMIT and Stanford.
It it's.
It feeds my need for academicand also spiritual backing.
(02:43):
I know you relate to that.
You like things that areheavily scientifically proven as
well as spiritually proven Also, that's right, right.
So I fell in love with thatmethod and I have been teaching
it since.
I learned it in my own lifewhen I was having my near
divorce experience about 20years ago.
I've been using it since and Iuse it every day and it keeps
(03:03):
working and it keeps being apleasure and a privilege and an
honor to teach it to otherpeople.
And in midlife I went off on myown.
I still licensed that method,but I went off on my own, and
when I was asking myself, whatdo I most want to focus on?
Women over 50 is what came tome, and so then that women over
50 and all things love havebecome my favorite focus.
(03:26):
So that's my backstory up totoday.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
So I'm sure it's going to come out at some point
in our interview.
But you and I were in adifferent meeting with you know,
our cahooted group of peoplethe other day.
I just love like this was likeif someone asked me what was the
moment.
You knew you and Lori wereperfect together.
You know we were talking aboutwhat roadblocks women right?
And you said they don't believein love and I said that's it.
(03:52):
But they don't know that that'sit.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
And you said no, they don't know they think that they
just where are the men?
Speaker 1 (03:58):
I don't know where to find the men right?
But it's actually at its corewomen don't believe in love
actually at its core.
Women don't believe in love.
Can we start there?
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Yeah, and it's so funny, it's like fear.
You know, nobody ever just saysoh, I'm afraid we just have all
of these, oh, I'm busy, youknow oh I have to blah, blah,
blah.
Oh, my kids need blah, blah,blah, or it's the same thing.
(04:30):
Right, we don't go.
I don't believe in love.
Who would ever admit that?
Right, we just go.
There's no men here.
There's no men, I don't know.
It's too hard, it's sodepressing.
I'll get scammed, you know, andon and on.
So I have given my life toarticulating and breaking down
the obstacles that people haveto believing in love.
So far I have 34 on the list,but don't worry not everyone has
all 34.
People only have 10 to 15 ofthem, and I have answers.
(04:51):
I have answers for thoseobstacles.
Okay so Some of them aretactical answers, some are
spiritual answers, some are-.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
Yeah, wow.
So you have compiled a list of34 potential sabotaging
roadblocks that women have tofinding love.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
34, yes how many do you?
Think we'll cover today let'scount at the end.
Okay, let's see how we do.
We that's a that's.
I don't have a particularagenda, but I'm gonna pull up
the list so we can clarify howmany we covered um yeah, so that
that we can, at the end we cando a sweep and see how we did.
(05:27):
Where shall we begin?
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Let's begin with what questions should a woman be
asking herself before she swipesright or agrees to date right?
What questions should a womanbe asking herself?
Speaker 2 (05:46):
degrees to date.
Right, what questions should awoman be asking herself?
Let's start with the notionthat the reason people don't
believe in love is becausethey've never really gone for
what they actually want.
So in the hand, in the hand-onmethod, we break it down into
head, heart and hoo-ha.
There are three, three voters,three H's Head is the practical
voter, heart is the one thatcares about how you feel and
(06:06):
hoo-ha is the chemistry voteconstituency right and so those
are the three voices everybodyhas.
Now.
Mind you, we have those voiceswhen it comes to picking a
doctor, picking a place to live,picking a best friend, picking
a dress at a store.
There, there's always thepractical how it feels and does
it turn you on?
How attractive is it to you?
(06:27):
What's the chemistry like?
So we start by justunderstanding that in your
history you have not attemptedto find an eight out of 10 on
all three ages.
You have thought, wow, right, ifit's a nine out of 10 in hoo-ha
, you're not going to get a nineout of 10 in head.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
If it's a nine out of 10 in head.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
You know you're not going to get a nine out of 10 in
hoo-ha.
If your heart is high, usuallyyour head is has to be low,
right.
So we just keep compromising.
We don't ever even conceive ofmanifest believe in the whole
thing.
So we keep being right, thatit's not possible, doesn't exist
, we're not even looking for him.
And then we hold that againstourselves, we hold it against
(07:07):
men, we hold it against society,we hold it against all the
things.
So so the question you shouldbe asking yourself before you
swipe is what do you want inthose three areas?
I also have a quiz.
I have a quiz on my websitefive minute quiz.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Okay, are you ready?
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
I love that.
So I love a good quiz,especially when it's coming from
a professional I know, like andtrust.
So yes, we will absolutely putthat quiz link in the show notes
.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
Must have so the first question is am I ready?
And the second and that hasmultiple answers on multiple
levels and then the secondquestion is what do I actually
want in all three ages?
Yeah, and then I mean fordivorced women.
I think we're also asking likeare my kids ready?
I think that's honestly aquestion, absolutely, absolutely
(07:53):
.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
But what is just?
It's like in neon, like do Ieven believe that I can get an
eight out of a 10 in a head, aheart and a hoo-ha, I would
guess most of us it's just inall bold caps, italics, you name
it are going to say no, thatdoes not exist.
And if it does, it's alreadytaken.
(08:16):
And if it's not taken, it's howam I going to find it?
It's not going to find me.
Like, right there, boom, thereticular activating system is
programmed to say like this isimpossible for me, so we're
settling.
Yeah, wow, yeah, not necessary.
So now to all the women who arealready swiping and they've
just heard that they're notready, what do you tell?
Speaker 2 (08:33):
them.
You can take a pause.
That's what's so beautiful,especially if you're on your
second go around.
Maybe you've already had yourkids, you can just go.
Hey, there's no rush here.
Everything I do to quote getready is for me, my own
evolution, my own developmentanyway.
So this is not a waste of time,this is not a detour.
This is the road towards thedream.
(08:54):
And think of the heartache.
You're saving yourself, thewasted time.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
You're saving yourself the fatigue that you're
saving yourself If you take alittle pause and do your own
work, a little work, yeah, sothis is where we get into some
of the existential or spiritualissues, right, because then if
I'm going to take a pause fromdating and let's say, I'm
getting really lonely or I'mdoubting, right, what's possible
for me, and now it's hard,right, now I'm saying it's, I'm
(09:23):
lonely, this is hard, but when?
When can I finally have thiscompanion, right?
So what do you say to womenwhen they're in the work?
Right, they're pausing dating,but they're feeling bogged down
in it and a little hopeless,helpless, am.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
I saying that right do you think?
Well, I think when you pause todo your work, if you really are
doing your work, it's not alonely moment.
I also I coach women in groups,which and it's really fun to
coach women in groups becausethey are in three stages.
The first stage is on the bench, which I think is such an
important part of being on ateam that has a goal.
(10:02):
If you want to get to the WorldSeries, you're going to spend
time on the bench watching thegame, to learn the game, to
understand the game, and thenalso, when it's not your turn up
at bat, to watch how otherpeople play and how the game
unfolds.
So on the bench is very, verycritical learning moment.
Then there's in the game, whereyou're sporting and if you're
doing it right, you are, arevery active.
(10:24):
You would not be lonely becauseyou would be engaged, per my
instructions, with meeting newpeople.
So that would not be a lonelystage.
And then there's early dating,where you are seeing if this
person might truly be a three-hmatch for you and vice versa
also not a lonely stage.
So the only lonely stage is onthe bench, and I like doing on
the bench as a group personallybecause, because of the cross
(10:46):
yeah, and the cross pollination,and also because sometimes the
women go from two and three,they go from on the hunt or in
an early relationship, back tothe bench.
So everybody's circulatingaround as we learn and grow and
we all know, by the way youcould find the love of your life
.
I'm sorry to say this, but thenhe Right Like so nobody gets
(11:08):
the ticket off of the ridearound around these stages for
sure.
Maybe you do Hope.
You do Hope you die first.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
But I don't know about you, laurie, but I
actively manifest the way I'mgoing to die, and I'm definitely
going to die first, Like I'vealready decided that a long time
ago.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
So there's that that's so interesting.
I'm dying second, oh, but Ithink that's because I'm like
okay with dating, but like in mynineties, right?
Speaker 1 (11:33):
No, I may even want to push late into.
I might even cross into thehundreds, right, I don't know.
I got a lot of.
I've got a lot to do, Lori.
Speaker 2 (11:41):
I don't.
My husband really only wants tolive to like low 90s.
I've convinced him to low 90s.
Good job, you know, but I'mgood.
I'm good with 100, I'm goodwith 100 and my coach is trying
to push me more than 100, butI'm just like, yeah, I'm not
that into it, but we'll see.
We'll see anyway, but that I'msure this was not the point well
, I don't know maybe I think thepoint is we can manifest
(12:04):
whatever the crap we want, right.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
So, but you know, as you were talking about the three
stages of dating and the wayyou conceptualize it, I was
feeling physical, like somaticrelief on behalf of our
listeners.
Like, wow, I didn't even know Iwas carrying that much tension
on their behalf about the datingprocess.
All of a sudden there was thisclarity and there was this
structure and there was this wow.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
You always have your girlfriends and I'm sorry but
again, since we generally livelonger, you can't be sacrificing
that.
You have your girlfriends, youhave your relationship to
yourself, you have yourspirituality.
You have all of these wonderfulthings in your life.
You are not alone, and if youare bored and you need
entertainment, you would want tofill that up with spirituality,
(12:50):
learning and whatever goals andmission and dream you have,
because that's a very attractiveway to be, whereas obviously,
feeling needy slash, lonely,slash, hopeless is not an
attractive vibration to be in.
So you do have to work on yourown vibration.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
That's right.
And becoming a vibrationalmatch for the eight out of a 10
in the three different zones.
Correct, preach, preach.
Okay, let's talk a little bitabout dating with kids.
Right?
Like some of the boundariesaround dating with kids, what
would you say to our listeners?
Speaker 2 (13:25):
some of the boundaries around dating with
kids.
What would you say to ourlisteners?
Okay, so there's two camps whenit comes to dating with kids.
There's people who are selfishand overdo it and forsake their
kids, and they get punished bytheir kids for doing that.
And then there's the chickensthat are scared to be vulnerable
, scared period.
And then they blame their kidsfor why they can't date.
Uh-huh, I see, have you haveyou experienced this gamma?
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Yes, I'm like sort of analyzing right, and I was
going to say and there areshades in between there.
Yeah, All the shades.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
I'm just, I'm just pointing, I'm just telling you
there's two, two extremes, andyou would find yourself
somewhere in there, preferablythe other.
Yeah, perhaps, or perhaps rightin the middle, which is great,
which is and this is what Ialways try to impress upon my
clients the thing your childneeds most.
Actually, there's three thingsI think a child needs most.
(14:13):
Tell me, if you agree.
Number one unconditional love.
Number two to be known, to beseen and known.
I want to know who youspecifically are.
I'm curious about who you are.
You do not have to grow up tobe like who I want you to be.
I want to know who you are.
And then, third is an exampleof a happy human and a role
(14:34):
model, an aspiration, somethingto look at and go.
I would be okay if that was myfuture.
And that is in regard to health, in regard to love, and in
regard to career or contributionor whatever you do with your
time.
I believe if a child has onehuman that supplies that mother,
father, grandparent, guardian,pastor, whatever they can grow
(14:58):
up healthy and happy.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
They have a good framework.
That's right.
I think you said some reallybeautiful things there.
I mean unconditional love,right.
I think we lose track of whatthat is because we so many of us
our age at least right grew upwhere we had parents who
withdrew, like they removedright, like love, affection, as
part of their own emotionalregulation skills, you know, and
(15:20):
so they didn't abide in thehard times.
And so I think that for many ofus we've had to learn and we've
, you know, had tounconditionally love through
hard times.
I also think so many peoplemiss what you said about an
example of a happy human, andthat doesn't just mean happily
in a relationship, but it meanslike, do you know how to find
(15:41):
happiness outside of eatingsomething, watching something,
consuming something, buyingsomething?
Like, do you know how to findjoy outside of consuming
something?
And I don't think we realizehow, how deeply important that
is to be able to model for ourchildren.
It's, it's a lost skill, Ithink, in a modern world.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Yeah, it's really, really, and just to tie it back,
the point is that if youwithhold from doing the work to
love yourself and doing the workto find the next love of your
life, I don't think you do theservice to your kids Right.
However, the child needs tofeel that they are not in
(16:26):
competition with that person, sothe child needs to feel that
they have the whole of what theyneed before there is now excess
for you to give to someone else, where more love equals more
love, not more love equals lesslove for them.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
That is it right there?
Yes, beautiful.
So I want to go on this littletangent just to hear your
thoughts, the wisdom of yourexperience.
But so many women are reallyhumming along on their healing
journey and I watch them doingjust this beautiful work and
(16:55):
then they get derailed when theywatch their ex start dating and
introduce someone to their kids.
Do you have any observationsthere on how you've seen that
impact children, or just like,what are your thoughts there?
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Yeah, Well, one of the obstacles, one of the um.
List of 34 is that you is thatyou have not thoroughly detoxed
your divorce or your lastrelationship or a relationship,
and so it's still present inyour field and disallowing it,
(17:28):
like the spots not open for thelove of your life, because it's
filled with memories andhauntings, and you know
preoccupation with what youoccupation with that, like
you're still in a relationshipwith the idea of that person or
that person.
So I take my clients through adetox, just like you detox from
anything that's hurting you orstopping you.
It's not that comfortable, butit takes time, but it's good and
(17:51):
in the end you feel much better.
But there's to get over and itdoes have to do with two things.
One is removing the triggers,obviously to the greatest extent
that you can, and the other islearning to tell the story of
your divorce so that it adds up,which you're also going to need
in dating anyway.
Yes, so it needs to be whatyou're responsible for, what you
(18:15):
think they're responsible for,what you're sorry about, what
you think they should be sorryabout.
It needs to have a balancedstory which is very healing for
the children too.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Can you give us an example of that right, like
maybe a client you've workedwith or just something really
that stands out to you aboutsomeone reaching for this
balanced story right and we talkso much about needing to own
our part in our healing journeyand really start connecting the
dots.
You know what stands out to youthere.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
Let me just say you know a couple of the most common
causes of divorce One personcheats and the other person
can't forgive it.
That's a very common reasonthat people get divorced, and
that's a whole explanation right.
This person, for whatever reasonthan their upbringing and their
personality type, didn't honora commitment they made and I and
(19:07):
I couldn't forgive it, or or orthey couldn't forgive it, and
that's what happened.
So we were once aligned.
Then a thing happened.
We and we couldn't get over it,or could be.
We started out having somecommon values, but one of our
values changed and it became itbecame irreconcilable.
So, for example, maybe we wereboth sober, we went into the
(19:29):
relationship, really committedto our sobriety, and one partner
decided they wanted to go backto using whatever the thing was.
And so now kids or next loveror whatever, that was no longer.
That could no longer work forme, given my life goals or
visions.
Or it could be something likewe didn't pay attention to our
marriage for 10, 15 years and,bit by bit, slowly by slowly,
(19:52):
all the love we had dissipatedand disappeared.
We didn't.
We stopped having sex, wedidn't put in the work, we
didn't grow closer together, wedidn't spend regular time
together, we didn't seek tounderstand each other and by the
time we realized it was toolate and we were too far apart.
We decided not to try to buildthat back up again.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
We decided to move on and try again.
Yeah, really good.
That's seeking to understand,right.
It comes up over and over againwith kids, with self, with
partners.
That's seeking to understandlike, who are you, who am I?
It's such a key to allrelationships and it's shown up
in every layer of ourconversation so far today.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you asked me also about howkids.
You know how it affects kidsand I think you know we all know
the cliche that kids blamethemselves for their parents
divorce.
I mean, it's like the oldestone in the book and I do believe
it helps a kid if they actuallyknow why their parents got
(20:56):
divorced so they don't make thatup oh, and so I think that's
the thing that people reallystruggle with is how to tell
their kids why, without withoutlike torching their ex right,
without really like it's a fineart.
I'm literally going back andforth with a woman right now who
I finally got to divorce herpartner.
(21:16):
It was a long time coming and Ifinally got her the courage to
do it.
And now she's writing theletter to her two sons who are,
you know, tween, teenage, andwe're writing and rewriting, and
rewriting, because in everyrewrite she's less the victim
and more the author more balance, more balance, more balance and
(21:37):
I'm not letting her send ituntil I as the kid and go.
It's empowering, okay, I have.
I still have two parents.
Do I want to align myself withthis parent's traits or that
parent's traits?
Speaker 1 (21:48):
but I'm gonna figure that out.
Family goes that smoothly.
What about the ex who justblurts something out and is like
you know, just share some crapand is like I'm out, like that,
that's so hard?
Speaker 2 (22:01):
you mean for the remaining partner, for the kids?
For the both both yeah so ifyou have, if you chose married
and procreated with somebody whois capable of that level of
dysfunction dysfunction, chaos,surprise, inconsistency,
whatever you chose that.
(22:23):
So there's where you'reresponsible and sorry to your
child and there's where they areresponsible and should be sorry
.
They may not be able tonarcissists traditionally, don't
apologize and anywhere uponthat spectrum, but your.
I believe the child picks theparents.
I believe I do too that childhas their own journey and that
(22:45):
child, even if they're fiveyears old, but certainly if
they're tweens or teens, has tofigure out their relationship
with each parent themselves asan individual to that parent.
And so you do not do anyservice to your child by telling
your child what thatrelationship should be or trying
to control that relationship,but you do them a service if
(23:07):
they have one stable parent whois grounded and not blaming and
not chaotic and not a victim,but who can tell a balanced
story.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
That's right and it's modeling how to be on that
empowered spiritual journey,right when I can take pain and I
can turn it into purpose, andnone of that is none of this
that we're walking through isgoing to take me out.
It may hurt.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
And it doesn't.
It doesn't mean lie, right Likein this woman's letter.
It's like I wish dad and I haddivided the labor more equally.
I wish dad, I wish dad handledit to do list more like I do.
I wish your grandma and grandpaon dad's side were more
involved.
Right Like you can wishsomething was different without
(23:49):
maligning your kid's father.
Yeah, I love that.
They're stuck with that guy,and so are you, that's right.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
That's right.
So how are we going to make thebest of this?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
Can we talk a little liketactical?
What would you?
What do you?
Where do you start to see thetactical stuff get implemented
in your three phases?
Right, is it in the middlephase or the third phase?
Speaker 2 (24:17):
I have.
I have so many tactics, butmost of my tactics are in that
middle phase, okay, where we dowhat's called a 3-H chart.
So, oh, it's so nerdy, You'dlove it.
Dawn, a 3-H.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
It's a spreadsheet.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Yeah, it's a spreadsheet.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
Your charts give me peace.
I didn't even know I neededthem.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
So many charts.
I have so many charts.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
I give you a spreadsheet with multiple tabs.
I mean it's not for everyone,okay, but I will tell you.
I would need to take yourspreadsheet and I would need to.
If you could see, like the backof my, behind my camera, here
you would see like all theselike colored, handwritten things
.
I would need to turn yourspreadsheet into something I
could hang on my refrigerator.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
I love it.
Do you want me to share myscreen and show you what?
It looks like let's look at it.
Okay, give me permission.
Okay, I did, you got it okay sothis so this, thank you.
So this is first of all.
This is the the sweep checklistof the 34 obstacles okay, oh,
but I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna, just yep, you're gonna have to
work for that, but um, but thisis the three eight.
(25:17):
So this is a 3h chart andyou'd'd be, like okay,
geographically.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
Oh, the head heart, hoo-ha yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
And then heart would be like makes me laugh, and then
hoo-ha would be like I like hisface, you know, like this, and
you literally fill that out,Okay, and you get your template?
Speaker 1 (25:35):
Where do we put I like his shoes?
Does that go in head or heart,or hoo-ha?
Speaker 2 (25:39):
I like his shoes.
Does that go in head or heart,or hoo-ha, I like his shoes.
Well, what do you think?
Is it about how it makes youfeel?
Speaker 1 (25:42):
or is it turn on?
Speaker 2 (25:43):
it's both, it's more than one, then you can pick I
could put it in more than oneyou or just pick the one you
want to put it in right it's not, it doesn't matter so long as
you're managing all three andthen you're turning bold.
You make the deal breakers bold, okay and then.
So then, when you're shopping,when you're online or someone's
(26:04):
introducing you to somebody, oryou're out at a bar or you're in
a restaurant.
You're always scanning for your3-H criteria with the
understanding of course thatsometimes there's a wild card.
Sometimes you didn't think youcould like a short guy, but lo
and behold, the swagger makes upfor the height, okay, for
example.
Sometimes you didn't think youcould like a short guy, but lo
and behold, the swagger makes upfor the height.
Okay, for example, right, oryou didn't think you could like
someone of a different politicalparty or a different hair color
(26:27):
than you thought you liked, andlo and behold, they surprise
you.
So there's a little bit ofwiggle.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
Wiggle room Buffer but.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
I really try to get people to define their three H
chart with as little bias aspossible.
So instead of saying tall andmuscular, it would be I feel
safe in his arms or I'm.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
Or I'm attracted or there's great chemistry, because
that when you describe it thatway, it leaves space for it to
be not exactly like exactly thething.
And I think that's so powerful,if I could get in the weeds for
a moment right here.
Right, because when we'retalking about manifesting and
believing, an eight out of a 10exists in all three H's.
I think it depends on whether,in human design, you're a
(27:07):
specific or non-specificmanifester too.
So there's that, right, but Ifeel safe in his arms.
Like, do you believe that thereis somebody out there, whether
or not he's exactly this heightand exactly this build, where
you can feel safe in his arms?
I think that makes it easier tosay yes, I believe that is
possible.
And so I think, it's amazing theway you help women define it,
(27:28):
because then it becomes moretangible from a manifestation,
from a visualization perspectiveor from a belief perspective.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
That's the whole point, right?
The whole point is believing inlove.
Back to my original case, right?
And if you think love means sixfoot tall, six figures, six abs
, unfortunately you are shootingyourself in the foot if that's
what you believe in love to mean.
(27:55):
So just the activity, thetactic of creating that chart
forces your brain.
And so not only do you figureout that the things that you
want are more universal and morehave, and so not only do you
figure out that you actually thethings that you want are more
universal and more haveable, butsometimes you even figure out
that you don't even want thatLike.
Sometimes I can't tell you howmany times I read a 3-H chart
and I say to the woman are you,are you looking for a best
friend, or are you looking forthe love, the next love of your
(28:16):
life?
That's a man, right, that's aman that's right like, because
you don't need him to like artmuseums, you don't need him to
yeah, you know, love long walkson the beach.
You really don't.
That's for your girlfriends andthat's such a relief because and
all I have to do, even justwhen it comes down to money,
because so many women are hungup on how much money they have I
(28:38):
have to ask why, why?
Why right?
Until I get to the heart of itand no two women are the same as
to the why right?
And everyone thinks whatthey're saying is so obvious and
universal.
Like well, because you know,because what?
Because I want to feel met,because I want, I don't want to
pay for vacation.
Like why?
So, when you get to the real.
Why?
(28:58):
Why, it's way easier to believein love and then it's way
easier to manifest the person.
But as for tactics I could do awhole hour on it uh, there are
specific questions to ask oneach of the first three dates.
You only get three dates to getthe person to eight or above.
In all, three h's, or else, wow, they're out.
So it's very, it's veryrigorous, it's very rigorous,
(29:20):
very nerdy and it's veryrigorous this is magical.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
I'm not saying I want to get divorced or remarried
again just so I can go throughyour process, but it's very cool
.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
I would have hired you in an instant well, if you
ever want to use it to move orchange careers or buy an outfit,
it works.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
It works.
I'm going to have to do that,right, okay.
So you said there's a handfulof questions in the first three
dates.
You got to get them to eightout of a 10 in the first three
dates, okay.
And then it's like cut it Ifit's not an eight out of 10 in
three dates.
That's it Moving on Right Right.
(30:02):
Eight out of ten and threedates that's it moving on right
right now, don't you?
Yeah, most women will have hadto do so much love to fall in
love, so much work to fall inlove with themselves before they
can tolerate that right threedates and cut it, because we're
so used to negotiating like wellit is so hard.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
I swear having this group of women do it together
makes it way easier, because wepeer pressure each other not to
sell out, instead of peerpressure each other to sell out.
So it's very helpful to have ateam on board behind you and be
talking to your community.
You know, if you're not ingroup coaching or you don't have
an accountability thing with acoach or a therapist or a friend
(30:38):
, you need you need to betalking about someone, yeah,
someone where does?
Speaker 1 (30:44):
where does sex fall in that?
Like you must like do you havea recommendation or recommended
policy on sex?
Speaker 2 (30:52):
I do, yeah, I do it's and it's complicated okay if I
can.
Let's get chart.
There's charts, still ebooksokay.
So if you're looking for thelove of your life, serious,
long-term partner, I do notrecommend having sex unless you
are committed to one anothermonogamously.
That does not mean you're ontrack to be married, it just
means you're not currentlydating with on dating sites or
(31:16):
having sex with somebody else.
Yeah, and the reason is it'schemical, right, we just we get
attached when we have sex.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
It's hormones, it's a thing that's right.
Men don't have the same thing,so it just is more
disadvantageous for us to dothat.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
So it's a way to protect your heart and to
protect you also fromover-investing in something that
isn't headed towards eight orabove at all.
Speaker 1 (31:37):
That's the thing, right, cause it starts to get
muddy for us as women.
Once we've had sex, we're nolonger discerning as effectively
it's just not available to uschemically.
Speaker 2 (31:47):
Right.
And speaking of discernment, Idon't recommend you drink in the
first three dates either.
Anything that hampers yourpresence and your judgment.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
So no CBD gummy, no drink, no.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
I recommend you have as absolute full presence as you
can muster, because you need tobe so intentional to date in
this way, and the alternative isyou date unintentionally and
you end up wasting time andgetting exhausted and getting
more cynical, which then cankill the whole thing or make you
lose years.
So you know, I always tellpeople like you don't have to do
(32:22):
it this way, I'm just trying tosave you time, money and
mascara, heartache and fatigueand all of that.
So this is not a, this is anice to have, not a need to have
, yeah, but it's a really niceto have if you're getting tired
or hopeless and you really wantthat last love of your life.
So anyway, all three H's eightor above.
(32:43):
First, before you even thinkabout monogamy number one,
number two you both want thesame thing.
In other words, you're bothheaded towards long-term,
committed or purposely beingcasual and having fun and
learning Cool, as long as you'reboth in the same place.
Three, you can talk aboutsexual health If you're not
(33:07):
comfortable talking about sexualhealth.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
You're not comfortable talking about sexual
health that one's so important.
Do you find that people talkenough about that?
Like, if we can't have aconversation right about people
get drunk and hook up, that's itright.
And it's like if we can't talkabout sexual health history like
man, how could we be compatibleor know if we're compatible, or
work through hard thingstogether, be vulnerable or
(33:28):
intimate?
Like, how do we equate sexualintimacy more than we equate
this conversational intimacyabout hard things?
Speaker 2 (33:36):
it's yeah well, it's a shortcut, you know?
Yeah, it's a shortcut and sorry, let's see off of a steep cliff
Right.
It's a not very brilliantshortcut, yeah yeah, it's a not
very brilliant shortcut.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
I have a sexy space.
Oh, go ahead, Go, go go.
Speaker 2 (33:56):
Wait, let me just, because there's five things oh
sorry.
There's all three H's that Idid or above.
You both want the same thing.
You can talk about sexualhealth.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
You can talk about sex, yeah I want this I don't
want this, I like this, I don'tlike that, whatever, yes and
you're comfortable enough sothat comfortable it's good.
Speaker 2 (34:12):
You want it to be good.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
If you're gonna be comfortable, doesn't have to
mean you don't feel anydiscomfort having a conversation
, but comfortable enough to haveit and not completely
dissociate.
Speaker 2 (34:21):
Yeah, right, and which just also means that if
it's not good, for whateverreason, it doesn't pull you
apart it you.
You have the tools, you proven,you have the communication
tools to make it through.
And then then you go listen,I'm the kind of girl who really
needs a commitment to feel likeI can open up sexually and, in
that, on that level of intimacy.
(34:41):
So I'm not comfortable havingsex until we're exclusive.
Where are you on that Right?
And then he goes oh, I'm notready to be exclusive.
Or he goes, oh, let's beexclusive.
And then she goes well, I'mgoing to have four steps for
establishing monogamy.
It's a different ebook, youknow great.
So we'll, you know, we'll,we'll come off the sites.
We'll, you know, we'll justfocus on each other for now, and
(35:08):
then we'll reassess in a littlebit.
And then the next day youfollow up and you go oh, it's so
exciting that we're practicingexclusivity and taking ourselves
off the sites.
I this is making me horny justto get it in writing with a time
stamp, that we've now agreed tobe exclusive wow brings
receipts.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
Yes, that's right, okay, sometimes people need to
be reminded.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
What they committed to.
That's fair, fairAccountability, accountability,
yeah it goes a long way.
Speaker 1 (35:33):
I do think accountability is so much of
what's missing for us withourselves, for us with any goal
that we have in life.
Right, we love the idea ofmanifesting, but very rarely do
we understand that truemanifestational processes
require commitment, consistencyand accountability, because we
all get tired or sidetracked orshiny object syndrome or
(35:54):
whatever the f it is right and,yeah, accountability is just
yeah, we don't believe, we don'tbelieve if we don't do the
right thing, right, that's theproblem.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Yeah, doing the right thing is the placebo, but
placebos work, that's rightthat's right.
Speaker 1 (36:09):
Okay, I have this sexy, spicy question that's
gonna piss all the people offwhat I like you what's the one
thing or the things, the thingsright you see women doing to
quote, unquote, air quotes, airquotes for anyone who can't see
us prove they're healed in orderto like convince themselves
(36:31):
they can start dating, but itbackfires.
It backfires when they'redating such an obnoxious answer.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
I was ayahuasca sorry , um well, can we right
microdosing let me, let me, I'mjoking, but what I mean is
pretending you've done the workwhen you haven't, or spiritual
(37:00):
bypassing, or just just wishingyou did right because you want
the quick fix to fix theloneliness.
But you haven't really goneback and and done your history,
done your inventory.
What, what mistakes have I beenmaking in relationships?
What have I been accepting thatI don't really accept?
What is, what is the learning,what is the truth and how I hold
myself to account not to repeatthat pattern, because otherwise
(37:22):
there's no way yoursubconscious is on board with a
new program.
That's it.
So if you don't do the work toun to illuminate what is in your
subconscious, then flip itaround and prove a new thing.
True, it does not matter howmany good actions you take, nope
?
Speaker 1 (37:40):
because that, right, because the mind is so tricky
and we believe it's garbage andyeah, yeah.
So how do you see that show up?
Like then people are there, youknow, accepting things that are
less than an eight out of 10,like they're getting ghosted.
Their quality of the peoplethey're choosing isn't there.
They're getting dating fatigue,like they're back to there's no
(38:04):
good men out there, right?
All the negative beliefs arepopped back to the there's no
good men out there, right.
All the negative beliefs arepopped back to the top, like all
that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2 (38:09):
I think the most prevalent thing I see is just
making the same mistakes overand over again in different
versions, and not and beingsurprised, right, and just being
surprised, right.
So you could think a haircutchanged everything.
You could think a diet changedeverything.
You could think a therapychanged everything.
You could think a diet changedeverything.
You could think a therapysession changed everything.
You could think things aredifferent now.
(38:31):
Or I'm divorced, it should allbe different now.
My kids are out of the house,it should all be different now.
But again, it's 34 things,right, it's not infinite.
I don't actually think it'sinfinite, right?
I think once you handle the 34things now, it's a numbers game
and it's fun, but it's 34 things.
So if you're just like sweeping17 of them under the rug,
(38:53):
they're gonna bite you in theass and that's if you don't know
what they are, then you'regonna be, you're gonna be like
what you know.
Speaker 1 (38:58):
So I want to be a good steward of our time, but
now I've got this other burningdesire to ask you about.
So, stdsds, right, it's a veryreal thing.
In a modern world and I'veheard you talk about before that
there are some niche sites andthat kind of thing.
Right Now I have foundhomeopathically that even for
the ones that are allegedlyincurable, homeopathy can spin
(39:21):
out that viral load so that youcan end up with a negative test.
Speaker 2 (39:26):
Oh, I have a referral for you, okay.
Speaker 1 (39:29):
Okay, but do you have a spreadsheet to help women
manage that part when there's anSTD and all the shame and the
conversations and the thingsthat does not?
Speaker 2 (39:38):
require a spreadsheet , but that does require practice
and it does require what Iwould call I call well, the
hand-drawn method calls itunraveling your personal history
.
So most people there's aspiritual story in the story
where they contracted the thingthat needs to get sorted through
(39:59):
and unraveled, and then thereneeds to be a thorough expose of
the subconscious beliefs inregards to it and then what I
would call a talk back, and formost of my women there's a lot
of disclosing to demystify andmove it through.
But it is one of the men arenot as hung up, but I have met
(40:20):
many women who take themselvesoff the market because of it.
They do?
Speaker 1 (40:23):
they just can't tolerate.
My heart, that's right.
Speaker 2 (40:26):
They just can't tolerate the level of it's and
it's such a shame.
The shame is such a shamebecause the shame that's so yes,
so common, yes, so common.
And for everybody who knows,they have it, there's two more
that don't know they have it andit's like I'm just like when
will?
Be the day when nobody knowswhat race you are or what that's
like I know.
(40:47):
When, every when, everyone hasa little of everything, so we
can stop stigmatizing each other, but the shame is so
debilitating for women.
Speaker 1 (40:53):
It's true, it is, it is.
Speaker 2 (40:56):
But I mean, that is, that is a PR number and a half
like wow.
Anyway, again I could do awhole hour on herpes.
Speaker 1 (41:03):
There is a solution, though.
There Again, I could do a wholehour on herpes.
There is a solution, though.
There's a I have the solution.
Speaker 2 (41:07):
I'm not the only one I love that it exists.
Speaker 1 (41:08):
I love that so much.
Yeah, okay, okay, you are knownfor honesty and boldness and
this conversation has been sorefreshing because, like, can we
seriously be professionallyhitched?
You know like we think so.
Similarly, I'm lessspreadsheets, but you're the yin
to my yang or the yang to my,whatever.
Anyways, carry on, dawn.
(41:29):
What is one unpopular opinionyou have about modern dating
that people don't like to hear?
But they need to hear it, andit can't be the one we've
already talked about that theydon't believe in love, right?
Different?
Speaker 2 (41:40):
one People really think they can not do their
trauma healing and still findhealthy love yeah and I have not
found that to be true.
No, I've not found that to betrue.
I have found it to be true thatone is being held for ransom by
the other yes, and that's awhole episode in and of itself.
Speaker 1 (42:00):
We should make a note of that right, because I think
in a world of like Instagraminfluencing, sometimes we look
at the way something looks andwe think like, oh, they didn't
they, they did it, they did it.
And even my lead coach, coachTiffany, bless her, she, she
talks openly that, okay, shefound her partner and they had a
(42:22):
great potential, but then shehad to go back and clean a lot
of crap up, otherwise she wouldhave been hostage right Like
yeah, yes.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
Yeah.
So I do think it's rigged thatyou're supposed to do your
trauma healing, especially ifyou're alive in this era.
Yes, as a woman, you know thedesign of the system.
Speaker 1 (42:42):
I think that the system was supposed to be that
men and women come together and,you know, subconsciously
provoke the wound so that we canheal it together.
And yes, yes, agreed.
Speaker 2 (42:54):
Okay, the funny answer to your question about
unpopular opinions is it's justbecause it doesn't sound
feminist of me, but yourpictures really freaking matter,
your picture, you, just youhave to get over it.
Speaker 1 (43:07):
You have to get over whatever you think about vanity
or yeah, like that 15 pounds youwant to lose before you take
the picture, or whatever.
Like you just have to get agood picture and you just have
to get over that.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
It needs to be good and you have to get over that.
That is why people are going toclick or not click, and they
have to be honest pictures too.
And if you show cleavage,you're suggesting sex, and I'm
sorry, I know it's.
You don't blame the woman forhow she dresses, but that is
your ad.
And if your ad has cleavage,what did we learn from the
advertising industry that sellsbeer?
That's what you're selling.
(43:39):
If you want to sell sex, ifthat's what you're looking for,
do it.
If it is not what you'relooking for, just this is as
much chest as you can show in aprofile picture.
Speaker 1 (43:49):
You're not showing any chest friend, so you that
must be my chest yes, oh, chestfair, you're not showing up.
Speaker 2 (43:55):
You don't have to be Victorian, but no cleavage, no
cleavage.
Speaker 1 (44:01):
You must help women with their dating profiles.
That must be part of your.
I do indeed yeah, it'simportant.
Speaker 2 (44:08):
I mean it's important and I can't and nobody gives it
right.
It's remarkable to me thatpeople want to lie in their yes,
I know right, I'm okay withwithholding information in a
profile right, I'm okay with notsaying certain things.
I don't think they're for yourfull expose on everything, but
to misrepresent what you looklike, where you live, what
(44:30):
you're into.
That's just going to exhaustyou right.
It just leads to no good in thelong run, okay.
Speaker 1 (44:37):
Anything else that you just know that our listeners
need to hear today that wehaven't already covered other
than they're pure magic and theylove is waiting for them.
If they can, just yes, okaythat's a great segue.
Speaker 2 (44:52):
I mostly work with women 50, 60, 70, 80 so I am not
interesting yeah, so if you'relistening in your 20, 30, 40,
I'm sorry, but it is never toolate, like really never too late
like really never too late.
And what else are we doing onplanet earth besides?
Figuring out love yes, and ifyou exist, your partner exists.
(45:14):
There's no, there's no.
You exist, but then nobody whocould be your partner.
Speaker 1 (45:19):
that makes no sense, that's not at all how it works.
Speaker 2 (45:22):
No, it's just not so try to believe and if you don't
believe, figure out what of your34 obstacles are yours and do
your work, that's right Do yourwork and do your work for the
results.
Speaker 1 (45:33):
And do your work for the results.
That's a conscious mind.
Yes, yeah.
Speaker 2 (45:40):
And the results will come.
Speaker 1 (45:41):
Do it for the results but also do't feel good while
you're doing it.
It's both it feels good and itdoesn't feel good Like
acupuncture.
I was going to say like thatpronomad I lay on sometimes.
Speaker 2 (45:53):
It's all right.
It's all right, it's worth it.
Speaker 1 (45:55):
Worth it.
Worth it.
I would love to have you back.
There are a handful of thingswe definitely tapped into today
that I think yeah would bereally juicy follow-up episodes.
So in the show notes we'regoing to put a link to your quiz
Am I ready to date?
We're going to put yourInstagram handle, maybe a link
to an ebook.
Speaker 2 (46:15):
I would love for you to give people my webinar.
It is an hour that they can gothrough and make their 3H chart
and learn how to use it, that'samazing.
We teased it, we talked aboutit.
This will literally walk youthrough with pictures.
It'll teach you the colorcoding, the whole nerdy thing
how to do the three dates.
Like everything in that secondphase of tactics is in, is in
(46:36):
that webinar.
So that's really what I wantpeople to check out.
Speaker 1 (46:40):
Awesome.
Thank you for your time, yourwisdom, your wit.
We cannot wait to have you backin the future.
I'll be here.
Ladies, we are blessed because today we have
with us Lori Gerber, and she isliterally one of the most
engaging and effective lifecoaches.
She has appeared on the TodayShow, dr Phil, mtv, a&e.
She has been the resident loveexpert at Match, zoosk, j-date
many more.
She is the expert we have beenwaiting for here on Dear Divorce
(00:22):
Diary.
She lives in NYC, she loves tomeditate, jog.
She's got three beautifulchildren, whom she jokes that
you know.
In her spare time she attemptsto get cuddles from them.
She has been married for 26years.
She is bringing us her wisdomtoday.
We are going to talk about yourbeliefs, the way you
self-sabotage dating.
(00:43):
We are going to talk aboutdating preparation tactical way
you self-sabotage dating.
We are going to talk aboutdating preparation tactical
strategies, and she is going toshare with us some bold truths
and the wisdom of her experience.
Hi love.
Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary,the podcast helping divorcees go
beyond talk therapy to processyour grief, find the healing you
(01:05):
crave and build back yourconfidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
Speaker 2 (01:29):
Lori, welcome.
Ta-da, ta-da.
Speaker 1 (01:33):
So you tell them your version of how we met and a
little bit of your backstory.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Oh, just totally synchronicity magic Right.
These people believe in thatright that they do.
We have a common professionalconnection that decided that we
should all be in cahoots tocreate content for the world.
Cahoots, cahoots.
(02:00):
We got cahooted and you and Itook one look over the zoom
cameras and said we are meant tobe together.
And now here we arecollaborating on our first
content effort.
And my backstory is I've beenin the coaching biz for over 20
(02:20):
years and before life coachingwas a thing and certainly it was
embarrassing to even say I didit.
That was my original thoughtabout life coaching, but I so
loved the hand out method, whichis the method I teach okay,
that I could not help myself.
I needed to teach it to theworld.
It was originally developed atMIT and Stanford.
It it's.
It feeds my need for academicand also spiritual backing.
(02:43):
I know you relate to that.
You like things that areheavily scientifically proven as
well as spiritually proven Also, that's right, right.
So I fell in love with thatmethod and I have been teaching
it since.
I learned it in my own lifewhen I was having my near
divorce experience about 20years ago.
I've been using it since and Iuse it every day and it keeps
(03:03):
working and it keeps being apleasure and a privilege and an
honor to teach it to otherpeople.
And in midlife I went off on myown.
I still licensed that method,but I went off on my own, and
when I was asking myself, whatdo I most want to focus on?
Women over 50 is what came tome, and so then that women over
50 and all things love havebecome my favorite focus.
(03:26):
So that's my backstory up totoday.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
So I'm sure it's going to come out at some point
in our interview.
But you and I were in adifferent meeting with you know,
our cahooted group of peoplethe other day.
I just love like this was likeif someone asked me what was the
moment.
You knew you and Lori wereperfect together.
You know we were talking aboutwhat roadblocks women right?
And you said they don't believein love and I said that's it.
(03:52):
But they don't know that that'sit.
Speaker 2 (03:55):
And you said no, they don't know they think that they
just where are the men?
Speaker 1 (03:58):
I don't know where to find the men right?
But it's actually at its corewomen don't believe in love
actually at its core.
Women don't believe in love.
Can we start there?
Speaker 2 (04:05):
Yeah, and it's so funny, it's like fear.
You know, nobody ever just saysoh, I'm afraid we just have all
of these, oh, I'm busy, youknow oh I have to blah, blah,
blah.
Oh, my kids need blah, blah,blah, or it's the same thing.
(04:30):
Right, we don't go.
I don't believe in love.
Who would ever admit that?
Right, we just go.
There's no men here.
There's no men, I don't know.
It's too hard, it's sodepressing.
I'll get scammed, you know, andon and on.
So I have given my life toarticulating and breaking down
the obstacles that people haveto believing in love.
So far I have 34 on the list,but don't worry not everyone has
all 34.
People only have 10 to 15 ofthem, and I have answers.
(04:51):
I have answers for thoseobstacles.
Okay so Some of them aretactical answers, some are
spiritual answers, some are-.
Speaker 1 (04:59):
Yeah, wow.
So you have compiled a list of34 potential sabotaging
roadblocks that women have tofinding love.
Speaker 2 (05:05):
34, yes how many do you?
Think we'll cover today let'scount at the end.
Okay, let's see how we do.
We that's a that's.
I don't have a particularagenda, but I'm gonna pull up
the list so we can clarify howmany we covered um yeah, so that
that we can, at the end we cando a sweep and see how we did.
(05:27):
Where shall we begin?
Speaker 1 (05:29):
Let's begin with what questions should a woman be
asking herself before she swipesright or agrees to date right?
What questions should a womanbe asking herself?
Speaker 2 (05:46):
degrees to date.
Right, what questions should awoman be asking herself?
Let's start with the notionthat the reason people don't
believe in love is becausethey've never really gone for
what they actually want.
So in the hand, in the hand-onmethod, we break it down into
head, heart and hoo-ha.
There are three, three voters,three H's Head is the practical
voter, heart is the one thatcares about how you feel and
(06:06):
hoo-ha is the chemistry voteconstituency right and so those
are the three voices everybodyhas.
Now.
Mind you, we have those voiceswhen it comes to picking a
doctor, picking a place to live,picking a best friend, picking
a dress at a store.
There, there's always thepractical how it feels and does
it turn you on?
How attractive is it to you?
(06:27):
What's the chemistry like?
So we start by justunderstanding that in your
history you have not attemptedto find an eight out of 10 on
all three ages.
You have thought, wow, right, ifit's a nine out of 10 in hoo-ha
, you're not going to get a nineout of 10 in head.
Speaker 1 (06:44):
If it's a nine out of 10 in head.
Speaker 2 (06:46):
You know you're not going to get a nine out of 10 in
hoo-ha.
If your heart is high, usuallyyour head is has to be low,
right.
So we just keep compromising.
We don't ever even conceive ofmanifest believe in the whole
thing.
So we keep being right, thatit's not possible, doesn't exist
, we're not even looking for him.
And then we hold that againstourselves, we hold it against
(07:07):
men, we hold it against society,we hold it against all the
things.
So so the question you shouldbe asking yourself before you
swipe is what do you want inthose three areas?
I also have a quiz.
I have a quiz on my websitefive minute quiz.
Speaker 1 (07:23):
Okay, are you ready?
Are you ready?
Are you ready?
I love that.
So I love a good quiz,especially when it's coming from
a professional I know, like andtrust.
So yes, we will absolutely putthat quiz link in the show notes
.
Speaker 2 (07:32):
Must have so the first question is am I ready?
And the second and that hasmultiple answers on multiple
levels and then the secondquestion is what do I actually
want in all three ages?
Yeah, and then I mean fordivorced women.
I think we're also asking likeare my kids ready?
I think that's honestly aquestion, absolutely, absolutely
(07:53):
.
Speaker 1 (07:53):
But what is just?
It's like in neon, like do Ieven believe that I can get an
eight out of a 10 in a head, aheart and a hoo-ha, I would
guess most of us it's just inall bold caps, italics, you name
it are going to say no, thatdoes not exist.
And if it does, it's alreadytaken.
(08:16):
And if it's not taken, it's howam I going to find it?
It's not going to find me.
Like, right there, boom, thereticular activating system is
programmed to say like this isimpossible for me, so we're
settling.
Yeah, wow, yeah, not necessary.
So now to all the women who arealready swiping and they've
just heard that they're notready, what do you tell?
Speaker 2 (08:33):
them.
You can take a pause.
That's what's so beautiful,especially if you're on your
second go around.
Maybe you've already had yourkids, you can just go.
Hey, there's no rush here.
Everything I do to quote getready is for me, my own
evolution, my own developmentanyway.
So this is not a waste of time,this is not a detour.
This is the road towards thedream.
(08:54):
And think of the heartache.
You're saving yourself, thewasted time.
Speaker 1 (08:58):
You're saving yourself the fatigue that you're
saving yourself If you take alittle pause and do your own
work, a little work, yeah, sothis is where we get into some
of the existential or spiritualissues, right, because then if
I'm going to take a pause fromdating and let's say, I'm
getting really lonely or I'mdoubting, right, what's possible
for me, and now it's hard,right, now I'm saying it's, I'm
(09:23):
lonely, this is hard, but when?
When can I finally have thiscompanion, right?
So what do you say to womenwhen they're in the work?
Right, they're pausing dating,but they're feeling bogged down
in it and a little hopeless,helpless, am.
Speaker 2 (09:41):
I saying that right do you think?
Well, I think when you pause todo your work, if you really are
doing your work, it's not alonely moment.
I also I coach women in groups,which and it's really fun to
coach women in groups becausethey are in three stages.
The first stage is on the bench, which I think is such an
important part of being on ateam that has a goal.
(10:02):
If you want to get to the WorldSeries, you're going to spend
time on the bench watching thegame, to learn the game, to
understand the game, and thenalso, when it's not your turn up
at bat, to watch how otherpeople play and how the game
unfolds.
So on the bench is very, verycritical learning moment.
Then there's in the game, whereyou're sporting and if you're
doing it right, you are, arevery active.
(10:24):
You would not be lonely becauseyou would be engaged, per my
instructions, with meeting newpeople.
So that would not be a lonelystage.
And then there's early dating,where you are seeing if this
person might truly be a three-hmatch for you and vice versa
also not a lonely stage.
So the only lonely stage is onthe bench, and I like doing on
the bench as a group personallybecause, because of the cross
(10:46):
yeah, and the cross pollination,and also because sometimes the
women go from two and three,they go from on the hunt or in
an early relationship, back tothe bench.
So everybody's circulatingaround as we learn and grow and
we all know, by the way youcould find the love of your life
.
I'm sorry to say this, but thenhe Right Like so nobody gets
(11:08):
the ticket off of the ridearound around these stages for
sure.
Maybe you do Hope.
You do Hope you die first.
Speaker 1 (11:16):
But I don't know about you, laurie, but I
actively manifest the way I'mgoing to die, and I'm definitely
going to die first, Like I'vealready decided that a long time
ago.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
So there's that that's so interesting.
I'm dying second, oh, but Ithink that's because I'm like
okay with dating, but like in mynineties, right?
Speaker 1 (11:33):
No, I may even want to push late into.
I might even cross into thehundreds, right, I don't know.
I got a lot of.
I've got a lot to do, Lori.
Speaker 2 (11:41):
I don't.
My husband really only wants tolive to like low 90s.
I've convinced him to low 90s.
Good job, you know, but I'mgood.
I'm good with 100, I'm goodwith 100 and my coach is trying
to push me more than 100, butI'm just like, yeah, I'm not
that into it, but we'll see.
We'll see anyway, but that I'msure this was not the point well
, I don't know maybe I think thepoint is we can manifest
(12:04):
whatever the crap we want, right.
Speaker 1 (12:05):
So, but you know, as you were talking about the three
stages of dating and the wayyou conceptualize it, I was
feeling physical, like somaticrelief on behalf of our
listeners.
Like, wow, I didn't even know Iwas carrying that much tension
on their behalf about the datingprocess.
All of a sudden there was thisclarity and there was this
structure and there was this wow.
Speaker 2 (12:29):
You always have your girlfriends and I'm sorry but
again, since we generally livelonger, you can't be sacrificing
that.
You have your girlfriends, youhave your relationship to
yourself, you have yourspirituality.
You have all of these wonderfulthings in your life.
You are not alone, and if youare bored and you need
entertainment, you would want tofill that up with spirituality,
(12:50):
learning and whatever goals andmission and dream you have,
because that's a very attractiveway to be, whereas obviously,
feeling needy slash, lonely,slash, hopeless is not an
attractive vibration to be in.
So you do have to work on yourown vibration.
Speaker 1 (13:06):
That's right.
And becoming a vibrationalmatch for the eight out of a 10
in the three different zones.
Correct, preach, preach.
Okay, let's talk a little bitabout dating with kids.
Right?
Like some of the boundariesaround dating with kids, what
would you say to our listeners?
Speaker 2 (13:25):
some of the boundaries around dating with
kids.
What would you say to ourlisteners?
Okay, so there's two camps whenit comes to dating with kids.
There's people who are selfishand overdo it and forsake their
kids, and they get punished bytheir kids for doing that.
And then there's the chickensthat are scared to be vulnerable
, scared period.
And then they blame their kidsfor why they can't date.
Uh-huh, I see, have you haveyou experienced this gamma?
Speaker 1 (13:46):
Yes, I'm like sort of analyzing right, and I was
going to say and there areshades in between there.
Yeah, All the shades.
Speaker 2 (13:53):
I'm just, I'm just pointing, I'm just telling you
there's two, two extremes, andyou would find yourself
somewhere in there, preferablythe other.
Yeah, perhaps, or perhaps rightin the middle, which is great,
which is and this is what Ialways try to impress upon my
clients the thing your childneeds most.
Actually, there's three thingsI think a child needs most.
(14:13):
Tell me, if you agree.
Number one unconditional love.
Number two to be known, to beseen and known.
I want to know who youspecifically are.
I'm curious about who you are.
You do not have to grow up tobe like who I want you to be.
I want to know who you are.
And then, third is an exampleof a happy human and a role
(14:34):
model, an aspiration, somethingto look at and go.
I would be okay if that was myfuture.
And that is in regard to health, in regard to love, and in
regard to career or contributionor whatever you do with your
time.
I believe if a child has onehuman that supplies that mother,
father, grandparent, guardian,pastor, whatever they can grow
(14:58):
up healthy and happy.
Speaker 1 (14:59):
They have a good framework.
That's right.
I think you said some reallybeautiful things there.
I mean unconditional love,right.
I think we lose track of whatthat is because we so many of us
our age at least right grew upwhere we had parents who
withdrew, like they removedright, like love, affection, as
part of their own emotionalregulation skills, you know, and
(15:20):
so they didn't abide in thehard times.
And so I think that for many ofus we've had to learn and we've
, you know, had tounconditionally love through
hard times.
I also think so many peoplemiss what you said about an
example of a happy human, andthat doesn't just mean happily
in a relationship, but it meanslike, do you know how to find
(15:41):
happiness outside of eatingsomething, watching something,
consuming something, buyingsomething?
Like, do you know how to findjoy outside of consuming
something?
And I don't think we realizehow, how deeply important that
is to be able to model for ourchildren.
It's, it's a lost skill, Ithink, in a modern world.
Speaker 2 (16:05):
Yeah, it's really, really, and just to tie it back,
the point is that if youwithhold from doing the work to
love yourself and doing the workto find the next love of your
life, I don't think you do theservice to your kids Right.
However, the child needs tofeel that they are not in
(16:26):
competition with that person, sothe child needs to feel that
they have the whole of what theyneed before there is now excess
for you to give to someone else, where more love equals more
love, not more love equals lesslove for them.
Speaker 1 (16:35):
That is it right there?
Yes, beautiful.
So I want to go on this littletangent just to hear your
thoughts, the wisdom of yourexperience.
But so many women are reallyhumming along on their healing
journey and I watch them doingjust this beautiful work and
(16:55):
then they get derailed when theywatch their ex start dating and
introduce someone to their kids.
Do you have any observationsthere on how you've seen that
impact children, or just like,what are your thoughts there?
Speaker 2 (17:08):
Yeah, Well, one of the obstacles, one of the um.
List of 34 is that you is thatyou have not thoroughly detoxed
your divorce or your lastrelationship or a relationship,
and so it's still present inyour field and disallowing it,
(17:28):
like the spots not open for thelove of your life, because it's
filled with memories andhauntings, and you know
preoccupation with what youoccupation with that, like
you're still in a relationshipwith the idea of that person or
that person.
So I take my clients through adetox, just like you detox from
anything that's hurting you orstopping you.
It's not that comfortable, butit takes time, but it's good and
(17:51):
in the end you feel much better.
But there's to get over and itdoes have to do with two things.
One is removing the triggers,obviously to the greatest extent
that you can, and the other islearning to tell the story of
your divorce so that it adds up,which you're also going to need
in dating anyway.
Yes, so it needs to be whatyou're responsible for, what you
(18:15):
think they're responsible for,what you're sorry about, what
you think they should be sorryabout.
It needs to have a balancedstory which is very healing for
the children too.
Speaker 1 (18:22):
Can you give us an example of that right, like
maybe a client you've workedwith or just something really
that stands out to you aboutsomeone reaching for this
balanced story right and we talkso much about needing to own
our part in our healing journeyand really start connecting the
dots.
You know what stands out to youthere.
Speaker 2 (18:43):
Let me just say you know a couple of the most common
causes of divorce One personcheats and the other person
can't forgive it.
That's a very common reasonthat people get divorced, and
that's a whole explanation right.
This person, for whatever reasonthan their upbringing and their
personality type, didn't honora commitment they made and I and
(19:07):
I couldn't forgive it, or or orthey couldn't forgive it, and
that's what happened.
So we were once aligned.
Then a thing happened.
We and we couldn't get over it,or could be.
We started out having somecommon values, but one of our
values changed and it became itbecame irreconcilable.
So, for example, maybe we wereboth sober, we went into the
(19:29):
relationship, really committedto our sobriety, and one partner
decided they wanted to go backto using whatever the thing was.
And so now kids or next loveror whatever, that was no longer.
That could no longer work forme, given my life goals or
visions.
Or it could be something likewe didn't pay attention to our
marriage for 10, 15 years and,bit by bit, slowly by slowly,
(19:52):
all the love we had dissipatedand disappeared.
We didn't.
We stopped having sex, wedidn't put in the work, we
didn't grow closer together, wedidn't spend regular time
together, we didn't seek tounderstand each other and by the
time we realized it was toolate and we were too far apart.
We decided not to try to buildthat back up again.
Speaker 1 (20:14):
We decided to move on and try again.
Yeah, really good.
That's seeking to understand,right.
It comes up over and over againwith kids, with self, with
partners.
That's seeking to understandlike, who are you, who am I?
It's such a key to allrelationships and it's shown up
in every layer of ourconversation so far today.
Speaker 2 (20:35):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
But you asked me also about howkids.
You know how it affects kidsand I think you know we all know
the cliche that kids blamethemselves for their parents
divorce.
I mean, it's like the oldestone in the book and I do believe
it helps a kid if they actuallyknow why their parents got
(20:56):
divorced so they don't make thatup oh, and so I think that's
the thing that people reallystruggle with is how to tell
their kids why, without withoutlike torching their ex right,
without really like it's a fineart.
I'm literally going back andforth with a woman right now who
I finally got to divorce herpartner.
(21:16):
It was a long time coming and Ifinally got her the courage to
do it.
And now she's writing theletter to her two sons who are,
you know, tween, teenage, andwe're writing and rewriting, and
rewriting, because in everyrewrite she's less the victim
and more the author more balance, more balance, more balance and
(21:37):
I'm not letting her send ituntil I as the kid and go.
It's empowering, okay, I have.
I still have two parents.
Do I want to align myself withthis parent's traits or that
parent's traits?
Speaker 1 (21:48):
but I'm gonna figure that out.
Family goes that smoothly.
What about the ex who justblurts something out and is like
you know, just share some crapand is like I'm out, like that,
that's so hard?
Speaker 2 (22:01):
you mean for the remaining partner, for the kids?
For the both both yeah so ifyou have, if you chose married
and procreated with somebody whois capable of that level of
dysfunction dysfunction, chaos,surprise, inconsistency,
whatever you chose that.
(22:23):
So there's where you'reresponsible and sorry to your
child and there's where they areresponsible and should be sorry
.
They may not be able tonarcissists traditionally, don't
apologize and anywhere uponthat spectrum, but your.
I believe the child picks theparents.
I believe I do too that childhas their own journey and that
(22:45):
child, even if they're fiveyears old, but certainly if
they're tweens or teens, has tofigure out their relationship
with each parent themselves asan individual to that parent.
And so you do not do anyservice to your child by telling
your child what thatrelationship should be or trying
to control that relationship,but you do them a service if
(23:07):
they have one stable parent whois grounded and not blaming and
not chaotic and not a victim,but who can tell a balanced
story.
Speaker 1 (23:17):
That's right and it's modeling how to be on that
empowered spiritual journey,right when I can take pain and I
can turn it into purpose, andnone of that is none of this
that we're walking through isgoing to take me out.
It may hurt.
Speaker 2 (23:28):
And it doesn't.
It doesn't mean lie, right Likein this woman's letter.
It's like I wish dad and I haddivided the labor more equally.
I wish dad, I wish dad handledit to do list more like I do.
I wish your grandma and grandpaon dad's side were more
involved.
Right Like you can wishsomething was different without
(23:49):
maligning your kid's father.
Yeah, I love that.
They're stuck with that guy,and so are you, that's right.
Speaker 1 (23:59):
That's right.
So how are we going to make thebest of this?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, okay.
Can we talk a little liketactical?
What would you?
What do you?
Where do you start to see thetactical stuff get implemented
in your three phases?
Right, is it in the middlephase or the third phase?
Speaker 2 (24:17):
I have.
I have so many tactics, butmost of my tactics are in that
middle phase, okay, where we dowhat's called a 3-H chart.
So, oh, it's so nerdy, You'dlove it.
Dawn, a 3-H.
Speaker 1 (24:26):
It's a spreadsheet.
Speaker 2 (24:26):
Yeah, it's a spreadsheet.
Speaker 1 (24:30):
Your charts give me peace.
I didn't even know I neededthem.
Speaker 2 (24:34):
So many charts.
I have so many charts.
Speaker 1 (24:44):
I give you a spreadsheet with multiple tabs.
I mean it's not for everyone,okay, but I will tell you.
I would need to take yourspreadsheet and I would need to.
If you could see, like the backof my, behind my camera, here
you would see like all theselike colored, handwritten things
.
I would need to turn yourspreadsheet into something I
could hang on my refrigerator.
Speaker 2 (24:54):
I love it.
Do you want me to share myscreen and show you what?
It looks like let's look at it.
Okay, give me permission.
Okay, I did, you got it okay sothis so this, thank you.
So this is first of all.
This is the the sweep checklistof the 34 obstacles okay, oh,
but I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna, just yep, you're gonna have to
work for that, but um, but thisis the three eight.
(25:17):
So this is a 3h chart andyou'd'd be, like okay,
geographically.
Speaker 1 (25:20):
Oh, the head heart, hoo-ha yeah.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
And then heart would be like makes me laugh, and then
hoo-ha would be like I like hisface, you know, like this, and
you literally fill that out,Okay, and you get your template?
Speaker 1 (25:35):
Where do we put I like his shoes?
Does that go in head or heart,or hoo-ha?
Speaker 2 (25:39):
I like his shoes.
Does that go in head or heart,or hoo-ha, I like his shoes.
Well, what do you think?
Is it about how it makes youfeel?
Speaker 1 (25:42):
or is it turn on?
Speaker 2 (25:43):
it's both, it's more than one, then you can pick I
could put it in more than oneyou or just pick the one you
want to put it in right it's not, it doesn't matter so long as
you're managing all three andthen you're turning bold.
You make the deal breakers bold, okay and then.
So then, when you're shopping,when you're online or someone's
(26:04):
introducing you to somebody, oryou're out at a bar or you're in
a restaurant.
You're always scanning for your3-H criteria with the
understanding of course thatsometimes there's a wild card.
Sometimes you didn't think youcould like a short guy, but lo
and behold, the swagger makes upfor the height, okay, for
example.
Sometimes you didn't think youcould like a short guy, but lo
and behold, the swagger makes upfor the height.
Okay, for example, right, oryou didn't think you could like
someone of a different politicalparty or a different hair color
(26:27):
than you thought you liked, andlo and behold, they surprise
you.
So there's a little bit ofwiggle.
Speaker 1 (26:31):
Wiggle room Buffer but.
Speaker 2 (26:33):
I really try to get people to define their three H
chart with as little bias aspossible.
So instead of saying tall andmuscular, it would be I feel
safe in his arms or I'm.
Speaker 1 (26:44):
Or I'm attracted or there's great chemistry, because
that when you describe it thatway, it leaves space for it to
be not exactly like exactly thething.
And I think that's so powerful,if I could get in the weeds for
a moment right here.
Right, because when we'retalking about manifesting and
believing, an eight out of a 10exists in all three H's.
I think it depends on whether,in human design, you're a
(27:07):
specific or non-specificmanifester too.
So there's that, right, but Ifeel safe in his arms.
Like, do you believe that thereis somebody out there, whether
or not he's exactly this heightand exactly this build, where
you can feel safe in his arms?
I think that makes it easier tosay yes, I believe that is
possible.
And so I think, it's amazing theway you help women define it,
(27:28):
because then it becomes moretangible from a manifestation,
from a visualization perspectiveor from a belief perspective.
Speaker 2 (27:34):
That's the whole point, right?
The whole point is believing inlove.
Back to my original case, right?
And if you think love means sixfoot tall, six figures, six abs
, unfortunately you are shootingyourself in the foot if that's
what you believe in love to mean.
(27:55):
So just the activity, thetactic of creating that chart
forces your brain.
And so not only do you figureout that the things that you
want are more universal and morehave, and so not only do you
figure out that you actually thethings that you want are more
universal and more haveable, butsometimes you even figure out
that you don't even want thatLike.
Sometimes I can't tell you howmany times I read a 3-H chart
and I say to the woman are you,are you looking for a best
friend, or are you looking forthe love, the next love of your
(28:16):
life?
That's a man, right, that's aman that's right like, because
you don't need him to like artmuseums, you don't need him to
yeah, you know, love long walkson the beach.
You really don't.
That's for your girlfriends andthat's such a relief because and
all I have to do, even justwhen it comes down to money,
because so many women are hungup on how much money they have I
(28:38):
have to ask why, why?
Why right?
Until I get to the heart of itand no two women are the same as
to the why right?
And everyone thinks whatthey're saying is so obvious and
universal.
Like well, because you know,because what?
Because I want to feel met,because I want, I don't want to
pay for vacation.
Like why?
So, when you get to the real.
Why?
(28:58):
Why, it's way easier to believein love and then it's way
easier to manifest the person.
But as for tactics I could do awhole hour on it uh, there are
specific questions to ask oneach of the first three dates.
You only get three dates to getthe person to eight or above.
In all, three h's, or else, wow, they're out.
So it's very, it's veryrigorous, it's very rigorous,
(29:20):
very nerdy and it's veryrigorous this is magical.
Speaker 1 (29:25):
I'm not saying I want to get divorced or remarried
again just so I can go throughyour process, but it's very cool
.
Speaker 2 (29:32):
I would have hired you in an instant well, if you
ever want to use it to move orchange careers or buy an outfit,
it works.
Speaker 1 (29:41):
It works.
I'm going to have to do that,right, okay.
So you said there's a handfulof questions in the first three
dates.
You got to get them to eightout of a 10 in the first three
dates, okay.
And then it's like cut it Ifit's not an eight out of 10 in
three dates.
That's it Moving on Right Right.
(30:02):
Eight out of ten and threedates that's it moving on right
right now, don't you?
Yeah, most women will have hadto do so much love to fall in
love, so much work to fall inlove with themselves before they
can tolerate that right threedates and cut it, because we're
so used to negotiating like wellit is so hard.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
I swear having this group of women do it together
makes it way easier, because wepeer pressure each other not to
sell out, instead of peerpressure each other to sell out.
So it's very helpful to have ateam on board behind you and be
talking to your community.
You know, if you're not ingroup coaching or you don't have
an accountability thing with acoach or a therapist or a friend
(30:38):
, you need you need to betalking about someone, yeah,
someone where does?
Speaker 1 (30:44):
where does sex fall in that?
Like you must like do you havea recommendation or recommended
policy on sex?
Speaker 2 (30:52):
I do, yeah, I do it's and it's complicated okay if I
can.
Let's get chart.
There's charts, still ebooksokay.
So if you're looking for thelove of your life, serious,
long-term partner, I do notrecommend having sex unless you
are committed to one anothermonogamously.
That does not mean you're ontrack to be married, it just
means you're not currentlydating with on dating sites or
(31:16):
having sex with somebody else.
Yeah, and the reason is it'schemical, right, we just we get
attached when we have sex.
Speaker 1 (31:22):
It's hormones, it's a thing that's right.
Men don't have the same thing,so it just is more
disadvantageous for us to dothat.
Speaker 2 (31:32):
So it's a way to protect your heart and to
protect you also fromover-investing in something that
isn't headed towards eight orabove at all.
Speaker 1 (31:37):
That's the thing, right, cause it starts to get
muddy for us as women.
Once we've had sex, we're nolonger discerning as effectively
it's just not available to uschemically.
Speaker 2 (31:47):
Right.
And speaking of discernment, Idon't recommend you drink in the
first three dates either.
Anything that hampers yourpresence and your judgment.
Speaker 1 (31:55):
So no CBD gummy, no drink, no.
Speaker 2 (32:01):
I recommend you have as absolute full presence as you
can muster, because you need tobe so intentional to date in
this way, and the alternative isyou date unintentionally and
you end up wasting time andgetting exhausted and getting
more cynical, which then cankill the whole thing or make you
lose years.
So you know, I always tellpeople like you don't have to do
(32:22):
it this way, I'm just trying tosave you time, money and
mascara, heartache and fatigueand all of that.
So this is not a, this is anice to have, not a need to have
, yeah, but it's a really niceto have if you're getting tired
or hopeless and you really wantthat last love of your life.
So anyway, all three H's eightor above.
(32:43):
First, before you even thinkabout monogamy number one,
number two you both want thesame thing.
In other words, you're bothheaded towards long-term,
committed or purposely beingcasual and having fun and
learning Cool, as long as you'reboth in the same place.
Three, you can talk aboutsexual health If you're not
(33:07):
comfortable talking about sexualhealth.
Speaker 1 (33:08):
You're not comfortable talking about sexual
health that one's so important.
Do you find that people talkenough about that?
Like, if we can't have aconversation right about people
get drunk and hook up, that's itright.
And it's like if we can't talkabout sexual health history like
man, how could we be compatibleor know if we're compatible, or
work through hard thingstogether, be vulnerable or
(33:28):
intimate?
Like, how do we equate sexualintimacy more than we equate
this conversational intimacyabout hard things?
Speaker 2 (33:36):
it's yeah well, it's a shortcut, you know?
Yeah, it's a shortcut and sorry, let's see off of a steep cliff
Right.
It's a not very brilliantshortcut, yeah yeah, it's a not
very brilliant shortcut.
Speaker 1 (33:54):
I have a sexy space.
Oh, go ahead, Go, go go.
Speaker 2 (33:56):
Wait, let me just, because there's five things oh
sorry.
There's all three H's that Idid or above.
You both want the same thing.
You can talk about sexualhealth.
Speaker 1 (34:04):
You can talk about sex, yeah I want this I don't
want this, I like this, I don'tlike that, whatever, yes and
you're comfortable enough sothat comfortable it's good.
Speaker 2 (34:12):
You want it to be good.
Speaker 1 (34:13):
If you're gonna be comfortable, doesn't have to
mean you don't feel anydiscomfort having a conversation
, but comfortable enough to haveit and not completely
dissociate.
Speaker 2 (34:21):
Yeah, right, and which just also means that if
it's not good, for whateverreason, it doesn't pull you
apart it you.
You have the tools, you proven,you have the communication
tools to make it through.
And then then you go listen,I'm the kind of girl who really
needs a commitment to feel likeI can open up sexually and, in
that, on that level of intimacy.
(34:41):
So I'm not comfortable havingsex until we're exclusive.
Where are you on that Right?
And then he goes oh, I'm notready to be exclusive.
Or he goes, oh, let's beexclusive.
And then she goes well, I'mgoing to have four steps for
establishing monogamy.
It's a different ebook, youknow great.
So we'll, you know, we'll,we'll come off the sites.
We'll, you know, we'll justfocus on each other for now, and
(35:08):
then we'll reassess in a littlebit.
And then the next day youfollow up and you go oh, it's so
exciting that we're practicingexclusivity and taking ourselves
off the sites.
I this is making me horny justto get it in writing with a time
stamp, that we've now agreed tobe exclusive wow brings
receipts.
Speaker 1 (35:21):
Yes, that's right, okay, sometimes people need to
be reminded.
Speaker 2 (35:25):
What they committed to.
That's fair, fairAccountability, accountability,
yeah it goes a long way.
Speaker 1 (35:33):
I do think accountability is so much of
what's missing for us withourselves, for us with any goal
that we have in life.
Right, we love the idea ofmanifesting, but very rarely do
we understand that truemanifestational processes
require commitment, consistencyand accountability, because we
all get tired or sidetracked orshiny object syndrome or
(35:54):
whatever the f it is right and,yeah, accountability is just
yeah, we don't believe, we don'tbelieve if we don't do the
right thing, right, that's theproblem.
Speaker 2 (36:03):
Yeah, doing the right thing is the placebo, but
placebos work, that's rightthat's right.
Speaker 1 (36:09):
Okay, I have this sexy, spicy question that's
gonna piss all the people offwhat I like you what's the one
thing or the things, the thingsright you see women doing to
quote, unquote, air quotes, airquotes for anyone who can't see
us prove they're healed in orderto like convince themselves
(36:31):
they can start dating, but itbackfires.
It backfires when they'redating such an obnoxious answer.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
I was ayahuasca sorry , um well, can we right
microdosing let me, let me, I'mjoking, but what I mean is
pretending you've done the workwhen you haven't, or spiritual
(37:00):
bypassing, or just just wishingyou did right because you want
the quick fix to fix theloneliness.
But you haven't really goneback and and done your history,
done your inventory.
What, what mistakes have I beenmaking in relationships?
What have I been accepting thatI don't really accept?
What is, what is the learning,what is the truth and how I hold
myself to account not to repeatthat pattern, because otherwise
(37:22):
there's no way yoursubconscious is on board with a
new program.
That's it.
So if you don't do the work toun to illuminate what is in your
subconscious, then flip itaround and prove a new thing.
True, it does not matter howmany good actions you take, nope
?
Speaker 1 (37:40):
because that, right, because the mind is so tricky
and we believe it's garbage andyeah, yeah.
So how do you see that show up?
Like then people are there, youknow, accepting things that are
less than an eight out of 10,like they're getting ghosted.
Their quality of the peoplethey're choosing isn't there.
They're getting dating fatigue,like they're back to there's no
(38:04):
good men out there, right?
All the negative beliefs arepopped back to the there's no
good men out there, right.
All the negative beliefs arepopped back to the top, like all
that kind of stuff.
Speaker 2 (38:09):
I think the most prevalent thing I see is just
making the same mistakes overand over again in different
versions, and not and beingsurprised, right, and just being
surprised, right.
So you could think a haircutchanged everything.
You could think a diet changedeverything.
You could think a therapychanged everything.
You could think a diet changedeverything.
You could think a therapysession changed everything.
You could think things aredifferent now.
(38:31):
Or I'm divorced, it should allbe different now.
My kids are out of the house,it should all be different now.
But again, it's 34 things,right, it's not infinite.
I don't actually think it'sinfinite, right?
I think once you handle the 34things now, it's a numbers game
and it's fun, but it's 34 things.
So if you're just like sweeping17 of them under the rug,
(38:53):
they're gonna bite you in theass and that's if you don't know
what they are, then you'regonna be, you're gonna be like
what you know.
Speaker 1 (38:58):
So I want to be a good steward of our time, but
now I've got this other burningdesire to ask you about.
So, stdsds, right, it's a veryreal thing.
In a modern world and I'veheard you talk about before that
there are some niche sites andthat kind of thing.
Right Now I have foundhomeopathically that even for
the ones that are allegedlyincurable, homeopathy can spin
(39:21):
out that viral load so that youcan end up with a negative test.
Speaker 2 (39:26):
Oh, I have a referral for you, okay.
Speaker 1 (39:29):
Okay, but do you have a spreadsheet to help women
manage that part when there's anSTD and all the shame and the
conversations and the thingsthat does not?
Speaker 2 (39:38):
require a spreadsheet , but that does require practice
and it does require what Iwould call I call well, the
hand-drawn method calls itunraveling your personal history
.
So most people there's aspiritual story in the story
where they contracted the thingthat needs to get sorted through
(39:59):
and unraveled, and then thereneeds to be a thorough expose of
the subconscious beliefs inregards to it and then what I
would call a talk back, and formost of my women there's a lot
of disclosing to demystify andmove it through.
But it is one of the men arenot as hung up, but I have met
(40:20):
many women who take themselvesoff the market because of it.
They do?
Speaker 1 (40:23):
they just can't tolerate.
My heart, that's right.
Speaker 2 (40:26):
They just can't tolerate the level of it's and
it's such a shame.
The shame is such a shamebecause the shame that's so yes,
so common, yes, so common.
And for everybody who knows,they have it, there's two more
that don't know they have it andit's like I'm just like when
will?
Be the day when nobody knowswhat race you are or what that's
like I know.
(40:47):
When, every when, everyone hasa little of everything, so we
can stop stigmatizing each other, but the shame is so
debilitating for women.
Speaker 1 (40:53):
It's true, it is, it is.
Speaker 2 (40:56):
But I mean, that is, that is a PR number and a half
like wow.
Anyway, again I could do awhole hour on herpes.
Speaker 1 (41:03):
There is a solution, though.
There Again, I could do a wholehour on herpes.
There is a solution, though.
There's a I have the solution.
Speaker 2 (41:07):
I'm not the only one I love that it exists.
Speaker 1 (41:08):
I love that so much.
Yeah, okay, okay, you are knownfor honesty and boldness and
this conversation has been sorefreshing because, like, can we
seriously be professionallyhitched?
You know like we think so.
Similarly, I'm lessspreadsheets, but you're the yin
to my yang or the yang to my,whatever.
Anyways, carry on, dawn.
(41:29):
What is one unpopular opinionyou have about modern dating
that people don't like to hear?
But they need to hear it, andit can't be the one we've
already talked about that theydon't believe in love, right?
Different?
Speaker 2 (41:40):
one People really think they can not do their
trauma healing and still findhealthy love yeah and I have not
found that to be true.
No, I've not found that to betrue.
I have found it to be true thatone is being held for ransom by
the other yes, and that's awhole episode in and of itself.
Speaker 1 (42:00):
We should make a note of that right, because I think
in a world of like Instagraminfluencing, sometimes we look
at the way something looks andwe think like, oh, they didn't
they, they did it, they did it.
And even my lead coach, coachTiffany, bless her, she, she
talks openly that, okay, shefound her partner and they had a
(42:22):
great potential, but then shehad to go back and clean a lot
of crap up, otherwise she wouldhave been hostage right Like
yeah, yes.
Speaker 2 (42:31):
Yeah.
So I do think it's rigged thatyou're supposed to do your
trauma healing, especially ifyou're alive in this era.
Yes, as a woman, you know thedesign of the system.
Speaker 1 (42:42):
I think that the system was supposed to be that
men and women come together and,you know, subconsciously
provoke the wound so that we canheal it together.
And yes, yes, agreed.
Speaker 2 (42:54):
Okay, the funny answer to your question about
unpopular opinions is it's justbecause it doesn't sound
feminist of me, but yourpictures really freaking matter,
your picture, you, just youhave to get over it.
Speaker 1 (43:07):
You have to get over whatever you think about vanity
or yeah, like that 15 pounds youwant to lose before you take
the picture, or whatever.
Like you just have to get agood picture and you just have
to get over that.
Speaker 2 (43:19):
It needs to be good and you have to get over that.
That is why people are going toclick or not click, and they
have to be honest pictures too.
And if you show cleavage,you're suggesting sex, and I'm
sorry, I know it's.
You don't blame the woman forhow she dresses, but that is
your ad.
And if your ad has cleavage,what did we learn from the
advertising industry that sellsbeer?
That's what you're selling.
(43:39):
If you want to sell sex, ifthat's what you're looking for,
do it.
If it is not what you'relooking for, just this is as
much chest as you can show in aprofile picture.
Speaker 1 (43:49):
You're not showing any chest friend, so you that
must be my chest yes, oh, chestfair, you're not showing up.
Speaker 2 (43:55):
You don't have to be Victorian, but no cleavage, no
cleavage.
Speaker 1 (44:01):
You must help women with their dating profiles.
That must be part of your.
I do indeed yeah, it'simportant.
Speaker 2 (44:08):
I mean it's important and I can't and nobody gives it
right.
It's remarkable to me thatpeople want to lie in their yes,
I know right, I'm okay withwithholding information in a
profile right, I'm okay with notsaying certain things.
I don't think they're for yourfull expose on everything, but
to misrepresent what you looklike, where you live, what
(44:30):
you're into.
That's just going to exhaustyou right.
It just leads to no good in thelong run, okay.
Speaker 1 (44:37):
Anything else that you just know that our listeners
need to hear today that wehaven't already covered other
than they're pure magic and theylove is waiting for them.
If they can, just yes, okaythat's a great segue.
Speaker 2 (44:52):
I mostly work with women 50, 60, 70, 80 so I am not
interesting yeah, so if you'relistening in your 20, 30, 40,
I'm sorry, but it is never toolate, like really never too late
like really never too late.
And what else are we doing onplanet earth besides?
Figuring out love yes, and ifyou exist, your partner exists.
(45:14):
There's no, there's no.
You exist, but then nobody whocould be your partner.
Speaker 1 (45:19):
that makes no sense, that's not at all how it works.
Speaker 2 (45:22):
No, it's just not so try to believe and if you don't
believe, figure out what of your34 obstacles are yours and do
your work, that's right Do yourwork and do your work for the
results.
Speaker 1 (45:33):
And do your work for the results.
That's a conscious mind.
Yes, yeah.
Speaker 2 (45:40):
And the results will come.
Speaker 1 (45:41):
Do it for the results but also do't feel good while
you're doing it.
It's both it feels good and itdoesn't feel good Like
acupuncture.
I was going to say like thatpronomad I lay on sometimes.
Speaker 2 (45:53):
It's all right.
It's all right, it's worth it.
Speaker 1 (45:55):
Worth it.
Worth it.
I would love to have you back.
There are a handful of thingswe definitely tapped into today
that I think yeah would bereally juicy follow-up episodes.
So in the show notes we'regoing to put a link to your quiz
Am I ready to date?
We're going to put yourInstagram handle, maybe a link
to an ebook.
Speaker 2 (46:15):
I would love for you to give people my webinar.
It is an hour that they can gothrough and make their 3H chart
and learn how to use it, that'samazing.
We teased it, we talked aboutit.
This will literally walk youthrough with pictures.
It'll teach you the colorcoding, the whole nerdy thing
how to do the three dates.
Like everything in that secondphase of tactics is in, is in
(46:36):
that webinar.
So that's really what I wantpeople to check out.
Speaker 1 (46:40):
Awesome.
Thank you for your time, yourwisdom, your wit.
We cannot wait to have you backin the future.
I'll be here.
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