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Have you ever caught yourself chasing after someone who keeps pulling away, or saying “yes” when every fiber of your being wants to say “no,” just to keep the peace?
If you’re tired of putting everyone else first because deep down you’re scared of being left behind—especially during or after a divorce—you’re not alone.Â
That habit of self-abandonment isn’t a personal flaw. It’s a survival strategy wired deep into your nervous system, often from early family dynamics, and it can keep you trapped in cycles of unhappiness and disconnection long after the breakup is final.
In this episode, you’ll discover why your nervous system clings to unhealthy patterns even when it hurts, how to finally unburden those old abandonment wounds using Internal Family Systems, EMDR, and homeopathy, and practical steps for dating again without losing yourself or repeating the same mistakes.
Listen now to learn how to break the cycle and finally choose yourself—because you deserve a deep, lasting connection that starts from within.
Post Divorce Roadmap - 21 Days of Guided Journaling
Join The list for A Different D Word, our personalized healing program.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn
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On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
Click HERE To Attend Somatic Workshop For Releasing 'What Could've Been'
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
If you've ever said yes when you really meant no, if
you've kept showing up forsomeone who disappears on you
consistently or found yourselfwondering why you can't stop
reaching out.
This episode is for you,because your fear of abandonment
isn't just a bad habit.
It's a survival instinct that'srooted in your nervous system.
(00:21):
But what happens when that fearstarts costing you the
relationship you have withyourself?
Today, we're talking about howthis fear shows up during and
after divorce and how to startchoosing yourself instead.
Hi love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
(00:43):
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce yourconfidence after divorce.
(01:14):
In today's episode, we're goingto talk about the perceived
cost of staying in survival, orwhat your nervous system
perceives as surviving right,because you're not weak.
You're wired to survive fromyour brain's perspective, and
that's the thing we have to heal.
We're also going to talk abouthow to unburden and reclaim your
exile.
So this is an internal familysystems concept.
(01:37):
We're also going to pull insome EMDR and homeopathy
concepts, but this is all rootedin your nervous system and the
part or parts of you that stillfear being left or lost, and
those parts really are desperateto be rescued, and if not by
you, then someone else like him.
And then we're also going totalk about how to date without
(02:00):
self-abandonment, because if youdon't unburden those exiles,
they are going to show up onevery single date and it's going
to start early in dating, notto mention right, whatever your
down the road relationships are.
This work is crucial to have ahealthy dating experience.
Okay, we want to take a momentto shout out one of our premium
(02:23):
subscribers, maggie.
This shout out is for you.
Thank you so much for being thebest part of our community.
Without you, this podcast doesnot exist.
I would love, maggie, for youto send me a DM.
Producer Joy and I just sathere and we pondered what are we
going to ask Maggie to DM us,and we landed on chocolate or
(02:43):
vanilla.
We must know.
Maggie, send me a DM at DawnWiggins on Instagram.
If you don't have Instagram,send me an email.
I would love to just say hi toyou and send you a hug.
Okay, let's talk about the deepinstinct to stay connected.
(03:05):
And here's the hook, even whenit hurts.
That's the crazy thing, rightAbout self-abandonment being the
habit is that we stay connectedand, dare I say, chase after
people, even when remainingconnected to them hurts us.
And this is a very, verycurious behavior, and to
(03:26):
illustrate it, I'm going to tellyou a very current story.
So the Hubs and I have beenkicking around the idea of
letting our daughter, who is now10, almost 11, spend a few
nights this summer with one setof her grandparents, and
historically, when she spends anight or two over there, we have
(03:47):
been in town so that ifsomething went awry, we could
step in and resolve the issue,because the grandparents are the
people who raised us and all ofthe attachment wounds and all
those things.
So, god bless, they were doingthe best they could at the time
with what they had.
But here we are, and so, aswe've been talking about just
(04:08):
letting her stay four or fivenights without us being in town,
it's opened some really bigloops, and what ended up
unfolding just over the lastcouple of days is them
acknowledging they have concernsabout her coming because their
schedule is their schedule andtheir plans are their plans and
the meals they plan to serve arethe meals they plan to serve
(04:29):
and their bedtime is theirbedtime, and that there's not a
whole lot of flexibility aroundany of that for our daughter
should she come visit.
And as we sort of started tounpack that as a couple and
checked in with our daughter andhow she was feeling about it,
it became very, very clear thatthis was going to be an
(04:49):
approximation of what it waslike to grow up with these folks
right, as much as they lovetheir granddaughter so very
deeply, there is not a lot offlexibility in their nervous
systems around these issues,systems around these issues.
The way that they maintaintheir own sense of safety is by
maintaining their particularschedules and plans and their
(05:09):
parenting views.
And that rigidity,unfortunately, the cost of it
becomes that our daughter wouldbe the one that would have to
adapt in most circumstances inorder to be able to maintain
connection during her visitthere.
And that is not how we haveraised her.
(05:29):
We have raised her that we allhave to flex, to work as a team,
and that is what works best foreveryone's nervous systems is
that there's give and take andthat we're all able to soothe
our own feelings and do thethings that we need to in order
to not suppress or bypass orabandon self in real time.
(05:52):
Now, that doesn't mean ourdaughter always gets her way,
that doesn't mean we make herher own meals or that she
doesn't have to manage her ownemotions On the contrary, she
does.
But it's a conversation andthere's nuance and there's
context, and those things didn'tseem like they were going to be
available and that, right thereis the groundwork for where we
learn self-abandonment.
(06:13):
When the relationship says it'sthis way or no way, then what
choice do we have as youngpeople?
But to abandon our connectionwith ourselves and how we felt
and what we perceived we neededin those moments.
Now, none of this is to saythat my daughter or I or anyone
(06:33):
else in this moment is a victim.
It's to acknowledge the sort ofgenerational trends that led to
the habit of self-abandonment.
We know that healing iscompletely possible, that
reclamation of self iscompletely possible and that
nothing good came in lifewithout some growth and some
(06:53):
expansion.
And that also means somediscomfort.
Now I'm not advocating fortrauma, but I am a silver
linings girl.
Right, and all of us are goingto go through painful things in
life and how we approach themand how we perceive them is
going to dictate how happy andhealthy and whole and regulated
and safe we feel in the world.
So we made the choice not tosend our daughter to the four to
(07:17):
five night sleepover because weunderstood that that would be
setting up a precedence for selfabandonment and that we
wouldn't be there to step in andaddress the issue in real time.
So how that looked in mychildhood, how that looked in my
first marriage, how that haslooked for you and for me in
(07:38):
dating relationships and whatnot, is a lot of not knowing what I
want or need, not knowing howto meet my own needs, not
knowing how to be satisfied orfeel safe or feel happy if I'm
alone, not knowing how to feelall those things unless I'm
being externally validated, notbeing able to trust my own
decision making, not knowing.
(07:59):
That's a really good list,right there, right.
And so what ends up happeningis we prioritize a sense of
connection with other peoplerather than connection with
ourself, because of thatoriginal experience that
happened over and over and overagain, where you had to divorce
yourself of your own thoughts,feelings, beliefs and
expectations in order tomaintain connection with your
(08:21):
caregivers or your attachmentfigures, right.
So it really is aboutattachment wounding right there,
that when we chronically orrepetitively had to reject our
own thoughts, feelings orbeliefs in order to maintain
connection with a caregiver, itjust became a habit, it just
became a rutted out neurologicalpathway, right?
And so how that looks is likeyou continue to take on board
(08:46):
the toxic communication.
Looks is like you continue totake on board the toxic
communication.
You continue staying in contactfor breadcrumbs.
You continue avoidingboundaries to avoid loss,
because loss or separation toyou feels like death, right.
Or getting voted off the island.
But when you think about beinga very, very young child,
disconnection does feel likedanger, it feels like a threat.
(09:06):
And so when attachment is aboutsurvival and we lose connection
, that threat feels soprofoundly real that you will
abandon yourself every time,because when we're young our
feet were not long enough toreach the pedals.
We need connection in order tothrive and survive emotionally
(09:28):
and physiologically.
Right?
Have you heard about babies,you know, a hundred years ago,
in certain orphanages in othercountries, right, who had
failure to thrive, and I know ithappens in our own country also
.
But even if they had all oftheir physical needs met, you
know they would still end upbeing failure to thrive, because
we are wired for connection,for love, for attunement, for
(09:50):
bonding right.
And so if that connection,attunement and bonding requires
us to abandon self, then that'swhat we did.
You may think you're choosinghim when you're abandoning
yourself, but what's actuallyhappening is your nervous system
is simply choosing what itperceives as safety.
Even if it's false, even ifit's not actually safe, it
perceives it as safety.
(10:11):
The good news is is how yournervous system perceives safety
can be rewired.
So let's talk about that.
You have exiled parts right,parts of self that are still
carrying wounds.
This is from IFS theoryinternal family systems right
Parts of self that are stillholding the pain of certain
(10:32):
wounds abandonment or feelingunseen, or feeling unloved or
unheard right.
And so, in this concept ofinternal family system where we
all have exiled parts, the onesthat hold the pain for us
manager, parts whose jobs are tokeep a very copacetic system
right Peace at all costs.
Don't let the exile's pain leakout, don't let it touch me,
(10:53):
don't let it get me.
I don't want to feel that right.
That's the goal of dissociation, and to dissociate parts is so
I don't have to feel that painand then firefighter parts that
sound the alarm when the painleaked and it's too much pain
for the system and it's time toshut it down.
Right, those firefighter partscome on scene.
So, for the purposes of thisepisode, we're talking about
(11:13):
exiled parts who are carryingthe pain and the wounds from
feeling like you had to abandonyourself over and over and over
again from a very young age.
Those parts the ones that arewounded, the ones that are
protecting and the ones that arestill hustling for love right,
they carry the originalheartbreak that has just been
parlayed into this currentheartbreak, and so the
(11:36):
abandonment fear that youstruggle with is this young,
scared and stuck in time part ofyou where she learned that love
was tied with loss and thosetwo things got blended together.
Now, the tools that we lovearound here are IFS, emdr,
(11:58):
homeopathy, these types ofthings.
Right, because it helps connectfirst with those parts that are
holding that exiled pain.
It helps discharge that traumaor unburden the part so that you
can reconnect with and releasethose wounds, rather than
rejecting, suppressing,bypassing, right, all of those
(12:21):
ways that we're used to copingin the meantime and this is why
we're so gaga over these toolsthat we use, and we over here
don't advocate for using IFS orEMDR without homeopathy, because
we have seen way too manyclients at this point use those
tools and still have toxicrelationship patterns, toxic
(12:45):
amounts of self-loathing orself-criticism and a lack of
true sense of a secureattachment style.
And so how many people have weheard say like I did EMDR, but
then I relapsed into these oldpatterns?
When you add homeopathy to IFSor to EMDR, it is such a
profoundly deep healingexperience that those patterns
(13:06):
are really such a profoundlydeep healing experience that
those patterns are really trulyfundamentally shifted.
And so I have three favoriteremedies specifically for parts
that have been abandoned orneglected.
Now, there are many, many, manythousands of remedies in
homeopathy, and these three isby no means the one that would
for sure facilitate your secureattachment style or your release
(13:30):
of abandonment, but these arethree that are commonly used and
can be very, very, veryeffective.
So carcinocinam is for thewoman who overperforms,
suppresses her needs, fears,conflict more than self-betrayal
and really, really reliesheavily on control in order to
feel a sense of safety.
This remedy was one of the mostprofound game changers in my
(13:53):
own healing journey, and it isthe remedy that I recommend most
often for my clients.
The second one is one youprobably have heard of more
often if you've used Pulsatillaat home with kids or ear
infection or you name it, whichis Pulsatilla.
And Pulsatilla is for the womanwho feels she's only lovable
when she's agreeable,accommodating or emotionally
dependent, and so if you noticethat when you're alone you tend
(14:18):
to be weepy and really feellonging and even maybe this
dirty, dirty, dirty word clingypulsatilla is a beautiful,
beautiful remedy to help createa greater sense of security or
independence.
The third remedy we use a wholelot over here are it's actually
a blend of remedies made fromwhat are called matridonals,
(14:39):
which are things like placentaand umbilical cord and even
oxytocin, and these are a blendof remedies we use because it
gets at those very early.
So many people have wounds fromwhen their mother was carrying
them in utero and don't evenrealize it, or for what happened
in the birth process or theyear to postpartum, and these
(15:02):
remedies are so profound athelping reinstate that sense of
security that maybe many of ushave never actually even felt in
the world.
So this is where we love to usethese particular tools in order
to help women get to thisgrounded sense of worth and
security inside of their capitalS self in order to stop
(15:22):
abandoning yourself.
Now stay tuned for our Thursdayepisode, because it's going to
be a guided meditation to helpyou unburden any exiled parts
that are still feeling abandonedor alone or unseen, right?
So this is going to be abeautiful guided meditation to
help you get into self-energy,help you identify that exile and
help you release some of thatburden.
(15:44):
So that's Thursday's episode.
Little spoiler alert there, butthis is the thing I want you to
remember is that healing doesnot mean silencing your fear and
just suppressing it.
It means you have to actuallysit with her.
Sit with those parts of you,because the part of you afraid
to be left is really calling foryou to stay, because anytime
(16:04):
you're relying on all the otherpeople to stay, there's not
control there.
You don't have control right.
But who will stay always isyour capital S self and your
higher power, and those are thethings we have to reconnect with
and nurture until those feelsafe and the other things feel
appropriately threatening rightRight now.
(16:25):
Notice that that's all mixed up, that the threatening people
feel safe and you feel not safeor as a less than complete sense
of security for your own self.
So that's what we have torewire.
All right, let's dig in to whathappens in the dating scene.
If you don't do this work, soif we don't unburden the exiles,
(16:46):
right, they're the ones thatend up showing up at the dates
and falling for people that youwouldn't normally fall for,
right?
So dating alone in and ofitself reactivates the
abandonment wound.
So I cannot tell you how manytimes women have done pretty
good work in talk therapy ormaybe even a bit of EMDR or, you
know, yoga or whatevermeditation or things that
(17:06):
they've done to sort of get asense of clarity and to really
develop a greater sense ofsecurity as a single woman.
But then inevitably, as soon asthey start dating, the house is
on fire again.
Right, and it's because it putsyou back in the position to have
those exiled parts with thoseabandonment wounds back on the
scene trying to make sure thatthey're managing this,
(17:29):
everything in that you'restaying safe, right, and it's
got, and it's you dropping rightback into those old patterns of
getting attached too early,chasing for love rather than
trusting that it's going to cometo you.
You know, putting up with crapthat you don't actually want to
put up with, but all for thissense of connection or to avoid
a feeling of loss or rejection,right.
And so then you end up doingthings like over-functioning,
(17:52):
ignoring red flags, moving toofast, tolerating breadcrumbs, or
this one, this is one of myfavorites Spiraling after being
ghosted right, it's like if yougot ghosted, like, thank God,
now you know that persondisqualified themselves.
Great, right.
But how many of us women spiralafter getting ghosted and go
into this refrain of why wasn'tI good enough?
Why wasn't I good enough, right?
(18:14):
And that is such a flag forearly trauma and exiled, wounded
parts that must, must, must beunburdened and integrated in
order for you to have a healthydating relationship.
So these behaviors that you do,that I did, they're not flaws,
love, they are not at all flaws,they are protector parts trying
to secure love at all costs.
(18:35):
Because, remember, love andloss, love and rejection, love
and abandonment, those thingsgot all blended together at a
very early age.
So healing means dating from aself capital S self-led system,
from an integrated whole.
Right, like I feel grounded, Iknow who I am, I know what I
want, I know what I'm lookingfor.
(19:00):
And going back to Lori, if youlisten to Lori Gerber's episode
on dating the 3H method, right,it is very hard to stick to that
3-H method if you are not in agrounded sense of self, and so
this is the work that you haveto do in order to get there, and
I promise you, this is the workthat Lori does with her clients
in order to get them there.
Right, and there's just sort ofno way around that.
So I want you to really addinto your when you're scrolling
(19:21):
dating apps or you'reconsidering going on a date or
you're actually walking into adate I want you to get in the
habit, like I would calendarthis with your dates or put it
in like bright yellow in yoursystem, like who is agreeing to
this date?
My wise self or my scared part?
(19:43):
Who is going on this date?
Who is agreeing to this date?
My wise self or my scared part?
Who is going on this date?
Who is agreeing to this date?
Who is chatting up this guy?
Who is swiping on this datingprofile my wise self or my
scared part?
And just adding that questionright, there is going to be a
game changer in your level ofawareness and execution around
(20:04):
dating after divorce when you'vereconnected with the parts of
you that were abandoned, youstop choosing people who mirror
that pattern, and then datingwill become an act of truth
instead of performance.
All of a sudden, dating willinvolve your authenticity rather
than people pleasing.
(20:24):
This divorce happened for areason, and we've talked about
many of those reasons here today, and this is your moment to
really be committed, not just to, oh, recommit to yourself, but
like to be committed to thoseparts of you that still have not
unburdened or healed, and tosay to those parts of you I'm
(20:47):
going to be here for you, I'mgoing to see you, I'm going to
hear you out, I'm going to helpyou put those burdens down and,
hot damn, we are going to find ahottie to live happily ever
after with, without all of thesetoxic patterns and
self-abandonment.
I love you so much.
Peace.
If you've ever said yes when you really meant no, if
you've kept showing up forsomeone who disappears on you
consistently or found yourselfwondering why you can't stop
reaching out.
This episode is for you,because your fear of abandonment
isn't just a bad habit.
It's a survival instinct that'srooted in your nervous system.
(00:21):
But what happens when that fearstarts costing you the
relationship you have withyourself?
Today, we're talking about howthis fear shows up during and
after divorce and how to startchoosing yourself instead.
Hi love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
(00:43):
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce yourconfidence after divorce.
(01:14):
In today's episode, we're goingto talk about the perceived
cost of staying in survival, orwhat your nervous system
perceives as surviving right,because you're not weak.
You're wired to survive fromyour brain's perspective, and
that's the thing we have to heal.
We're also going to talk abouthow to unburden and reclaim your
exile.
So this is an internal familysystems concept.
(01:37):
We're also going to pull insome EMDR and homeopathy
concepts, but this is all rootedin your nervous system and the
part or parts of you that stillfear being left or lost, and
those parts really are desperateto be rescued, and if not by
you, then someone else like him.
And then we're also going totalk about how to date without
(02:00):
self-abandonment, because if youdon't unburden those exiles,
they are going to show up onevery single date and it's going
to start early in dating, notto mention right, whatever your
down the road relationships are.
This work is crucial to have ahealthy dating experience.
Okay, we want to take a momentto shout out one of our premium
(02:23):
subscribers, maggie.
This shout out is for you.
Thank you so much for being thebest part of our community.
Without you, this podcast doesnot exist.
I would love, maggie, for youto send me a DM.
Producer Joy and I just sathere and we pondered what are we
going to ask Maggie to DM us,and we landed on chocolate or
(02:43):
vanilla.
We must know.
Maggie, send me a DM at DawnWiggins on Instagram.
If you don't have Instagram,send me an email.
I would love to just say hi toyou and send you a hug.
Okay, let's talk about the deepinstinct to stay connected.
(03:05):
And here's the hook, even whenit hurts.
That's the crazy thing, rightAbout self-abandonment being the
habit is that we stay connectedand, dare I say, chase after
people, even when remainingconnected to them hurts us.
And this is a very, verycurious behavior, and to
(03:26):
illustrate it, I'm going to tellyou a very current story.
So the Hubs and I have beenkicking around the idea of
letting our daughter, who is now10, almost 11, spend a few
nights this summer with one setof her grandparents, and
historically, when she spends anight or two over there, we have
(03:47):
been in town so that ifsomething went awry, we could
step in and resolve the issue,because the grandparents are the
people who raised us and all ofthe attachment wounds and all
those things.
So, god bless, they were doingthe best they could at the time
with what they had.
But here we are, and so, aswe've been talking about just
(04:08):
letting her stay four or fivenights without us being in town,
it's opened some really bigloops, and what ended up
unfolding just over the lastcouple of days is them
acknowledging they have concernsabout her coming because their
schedule is their schedule andtheir plans are their plans and
the meals they plan to serve arethe meals they plan to serve
(04:29):
and their bedtime is theirbedtime, and that there's not a
whole lot of flexibility aroundany of that for our daughter
should she come visit.
And as we sort of started tounpack that as a couple and
checked in with our daughter andhow she was feeling about it,
it became very, very clear thatthis was going to be an
(04:49):
approximation of what it waslike to grow up with these folks
right, as much as they lovetheir granddaughter so very
deeply, there is not a lot offlexibility in their nervous
systems around these issues,systems around these issues.
The way that they maintaintheir own sense of safety is by
maintaining their particularschedules and plans and their
(05:09):
parenting views.
And that rigidity,unfortunately, the cost of it
becomes that our daughter wouldbe the one that would have to
adapt in most circumstances inorder to be able to maintain
connection during her visitthere.
And that is not how we haveraised her.
(05:29):
We have raised her that we allhave to flex, to work as a team,
and that is what works best foreveryone's nervous systems is
that there's give and take andthat we're all able to soothe
our own feelings and do thethings that we need to in order
to not suppress or bypass orabandon self in real time.
(05:52):
Now, that doesn't mean ourdaughter always gets her way,
that doesn't mean we make herher own meals or that she
doesn't have to manage her ownemotions On the contrary, she
does.
But it's a conversation andthere's nuance and there's
context, and those things didn'tseem like they were going to be
available and that, right thereis the groundwork for where we
learn self-abandonment.
(06:13):
When the relationship says it'sthis way or no way, then what
choice do we have as youngpeople?
But to abandon our connectionwith ourselves and how we felt
and what we perceived we neededin those moments.
Now, none of this is to saythat my daughter or I or anyone
(06:33):
else in this moment is a victim.
It's to acknowledge the sort ofgenerational trends that led to
the habit of self-abandonment.
We know that healing iscompletely possible, that
reclamation of self iscompletely possible and that
nothing good came in lifewithout some growth and some
(06:53):
expansion.
And that also means somediscomfort.
Now I'm not advocating fortrauma, but I am a silver
linings girl.
Right, and all of us are goingto go through painful things in
life and how we approach themand how we perceive them is
going to dictate how happy andhealthy and whole and regulated
and safe we feel in the world.
So we made the choice not tosend our daughter to the four to
(07:17):
five night sleepover because weunderstood that that would be
setting up a precedence for selfabandonment and that we
wouldn't be there to step in andaddress the issue in real time.
So how that looked in mychildhood, how that looked in my
first marriage, how that haslooked for you and for me in
(07:38):
dating relationships and whatnot, is a lot of not knowing what I
want or need, not knowing howto meet my own needs, not
knowing how to be satisfied orfeel safe or feel happy if I'm
alone, not knowing how to feelall those things unless I'm
being externally validated, notbeing able to trust my own
decision making, not knowing.
(07:59):
That's a really good list,right there, right.
And so what ends up happeningis we prioritize a sense of
connection with other peoplerather than connection with
ourself, because of thatoriginal experience that
happened over and over and overagain, where you had to divorce
yourself of your own thoughts,feelings, beliefs and
expectations in order tomaintain connection with your
(08:21):
caregivers or your attachmentfigures, right.
So it really is aboutattachment wounding right there,
that when we chronically orrepetitively had to reject our
own thoughts, feelings orbeliefs in order to maintain
connection with a caregiver, itjust became a habit, it just
became a rutted out neurologicalpathway, right?
And so how that looks is likeyou continue to take on board
(08:46):
the toxic communication.
Looks is like you continue totake on board the toxic
communication.
You continue staying in contactfor breadcrumbs.
You continue avoidingboundaries to avoid loss,
because loss or separation toyou feels like death, right.
Or getting voted off the island.
But when you think about beinga very, very young child,
disconnection does feel likedanger, it feels like a threat.
(09:06):
And so when attachment is aboutsurvival and we lose connection
, that threat feels soprofoundly real that you will
abandon yourself every time,because when we're young our
feet were not long enough toreach the pedals.
We need connection in order tothrive and survive emotionally
(09:28):
and physiologically.
Right?
Have you heard about babies,you know, a hundred years ago,
in certain orphanages in othercountries, right, who had
failure to thrive, and I know ithappens in our own country also
.
But even if they had all oftheir physical needs met, you
know they would still end upbeing failure to thrive, because
we are wired for connection,for love, for attunement, for
(09:50):
bonding right.
And so if that connection,attunement and bonding requires
us to abandon self, then that'swhat we did.
You may think you're choosinghim when you're abandoning
yourself, but what's actuallyhappening is your nervous system
is simply choosing what itperceives as safety.
Even if it's false, even ifit's not actually safe, it
perceives it as safety.
(10:11):
The good news is is how yournervous system perceives safety
can be rewired.
So let's talk about that.
You have exiled parts right,parts of self that are still
carrying wounds.
This is from IFS theoryinternal family systems right
Parts of self that are stillholding the pain of certain
(10:32):
wounds abandonment or feelingunseen, or feeling unloved or
unheard right.
And so, in this concept ofinternal family system where we
all have exiled parts, the onesthat hold the pain for us
manager, parts whose jobs are tokeep a very copacetic system
right Peace at all costs.
Don't let the exile's pain leakout, don't let it touch me,
(10:53):
don't let it get me.
I don't want to feel that right.
That's the goal of dissociation, and to dissociate parts is so
I don't have to feel that painand then firefighter parts that
sound the alarm when the painleaked and it's too much pain
for the system and it's time toshut it down.
Right, those firefighter partscome on scene.
So, for the purposes of thisepisode, we're talking about
(11:13):
exiled parts who are carryingthe pain and the wounds from
feeling like you had to abandonyourself over and over and over
again from a very young age.
Those parts the ones that arewounded, the ones that are
protecting and the ones that arestill hustling for love right,
they carry the originalheartbreak that has just been
parlayed into this currentheartbreak, and so the
(11:36):
abandonment fear that youstruggle with is this young,
scared and stuck in time part ofyou where she learned that love
was tied with loss and thosetwo things got blended together.
Now, the tools that we lovearound here are IFS, emdr,
(11:58):
homeopathy, these types ofthings.
Right, because it helps connectfirst with those parts that are
holding that exiled pain.
It helps discharge that traumaor unburden the part so that you
can reconnect with and releasethose wounds, rather than
rejecting, suppressing,bypassing, right, all of those
(12:21):
ways that we're used to copingin the meantime and this is why
we're so gaga over these toolsthat we use, and we over here
don't advocate for using IFS orEMDR without homeopathy, because
we have seen way too manyclients at this point use those
tools and still have toxicrelationship patterns, toxic
(12:45):
amounts of self-loathing orself-criticism and a lack of
true sense of a secureattachment style.
And so how many people have weheard say like I did EMDR, but
then I relapsed into these oldpatterns?
When you add homeopathy to IFSor to EMDR, it is such a
profoundly deep healingexperience that those patterns
(13:06):
are really such a profoundlydeep healing experience that
those patterns are really trulyfundamentally shifted.
And so I have three favoriteremedies specifically for parts
that have been abandoned orneglected.
Now, there are many, many, manythousands of remedies in
homeopathy, and these three isby no means the one that would
for sure facilitate your secureattachment style or your release
(13:30):
of abandonment, but these arethree that are commonly used and
can be very, very, veryeffective.
So carcinocinam is for thewoman who overperforms,
suppresses her needs, fears,conflict more than self-betrayal
and really, really reliesheavily on control in order to
feel a sense of safety.
This remedy was one of the mostprofound game changers in my
(13:53):
own healing journey, and it isthe remedy that I recommend most
often for my clients.
The second one is one youprobably have heard of more
often if you've used Pulsatillaat home with kids or ear
infection or you name it, whichis Pulsatilla.
And Pulsatilla is for the womanwho feels she's only lovable
when she's agreeable,accommodating or emotionally
dependent, and so if you noticethat when you're alone you tend
(14:18):
to be weepy and really feellonging and even maybe this
dirty, dirty, dirty word clingypulsatilla is a beautiful,
beautiful remedy to help createa greater sense of security or
independence.
The third remedy we use a wholelot over here are it's actually
a blend of remedies made fromwhat are called matridonals,
(14:39):
which are things like placentaand umbilical cord and even
oxytocin, and these are a blendof remedies we use because it
gets at those very early.
So many people have wounds fromwhen their mother was carrying
them in utero and don't evenrealize it, or for what happened
in the birth process or theyear to postpartum, and these
(15:02):
remedies are so profound athelping reinstate that sense of
security that maybe many of ushave never actually even felt in
the world.
So this is where we love to usethese particular tools in order
to help women get to thisgrounded sense of worth and
security inside of their capitalS self in order to stop
(15:22):
abandoning yourself.
Now stay tuned for our Thursdayepisode, because it's going to
be a guided meditation to helpyou unburden any exiled parts
that are still feeling abandonedor alone or unseen, right?
So this is going to be abeautiful guided meditation to
help you get into self-energy,help you identify that exile and
help you release some of thatburden.
(15:44):
So that's Thursday's episode.
Little spoiler alert there, butthis is the thing I want you to
remember is that healing doesnot mean silencing your fear and
just suppressing it.
It means you have to actuallysit with her.
Sit with those parts of you,because the part of you afraid
to be left is really calling foryou to stay, because anytime
(16:04):
you're relying on all the otherpeople to stay, there's not
control there.
You don't have control right.
But who will stay always isyour capital S self and your
higher power, and those are thethings we have to reconnect with
and nurture until those feelsafe and the other things feel
appropriately threatening rightRight now.
(16:25):
Notice that that's all mixed up, that the threatening people
feel safe and you feel not safeor as a less than complete sense
of security for your own self.
So that's what we have torewire.
All right, let's dig in to whathappens in the dating scene.
If you don't do this work, soif we don't unburden the exiles,
(16:46):
right, they're the ones thatend up showing up at the dates
and falling for people that youwouldn't normally fall for,
right?
So dating alone in and ofitself reactivates the
abandonment wound.
So I cannot tell you how manytimes women have done pretty
good work in talk therapy ormaybe even a bit of EMDR or, you
know, yoga or whatevermeditation or things that
(17:06):
they've done to sort of get asense of clarity and to really
develop a greater sense ofsecurity as a single woman.
But then inevitably, as soon asthey start dating, the house is
on fire again.
Right, and it's because it putsyou back in the position to have
those exiled parts with thoseabandonment wounds back on the
scene trying to make sure thatthey're managing this,
(17:29):
everything in that you'restaying safe, right, and it's
got, and it's you dropping rightback into those old patterns of
getting attached too early,chasing for love rather than
trusting that it's going to cometo you.
You know, putting up with crapthat you don't actually want to
put up with, but all for thissense of connection or to avoid
a feeling of loss or rejection,right.
And so then you end up doingthings like over-functioning,
(17:52):
ignoring red flags, moving toofast, tolerating breadcrumbs, or
this one, this is one of myfavorites Spiraling after being
ghosted right, it's like if yougot ghosted, like, thank God,
now you know that persondisqualified themselves.
Great, right.
But how many of us women spiralafter getting ghosted and go
into this refrain of why wasn'tI good enough?
Why wasn't I good enough, right?
(18:14):
And that is such a flag forearly trauma and exiled, wounded
parts that must, must, must beunburdened and integrated in
order for you to have a healthydating relationship.
So these behaviors that you do,that I did, they're not flaws,
love, they are not at all flaws,they are protector parts trying
to secure love at all costs.
(18:35):
Because, remember, love andloss, love and rejection, love
and abandonment, those thingsgot all blended together at a
very early age.
So healing means dating from aself capital S self-led system,
from an integrated whole.
Right, like I feel grounded, Iknow who I am, I know what I
want, I know what I'm lookingfor.
(19:00):
And going back to Lori, if youlisten to Lori Gerber's episode
on dating the 3H method, right,it is very hard to stick to that
3-H method if you are not in agrounded sense of self, and so
this is the work that you haveto do in order to get there, and
I promise you, this is the workthat Lori does with her clients
in order to get them there.
Right, and there's just sort ofno way around that.
So I want you to really addinto your when you're scrolling
(19:21):
dating apps or you'reconsidering going on a date or
you're actually walking into adate I want you to get in the
habit, like I would calendarthis with your dates or put it
in like bright yellow in yoursystem, like who is agreeing to
this date?
My wise self or my scared part?
(19:43):
Who is going on this date?
Who is agreeing to this date?
My wise self or my scared part?
Who is going on this date?
Who is agreeing to this date?
Who is chatting up this guy?
Who is swiping on this datingprofile my wise self or my
scared part?
And just adding that questionright, there is going to be a
game changer in your level ofawareness and execution around
(20:04):
dating after divorce when you'vereconnected with the parts of
you that were abandoned, youstop choosing people who mirror
that pattern, and then datingwill become an act of truth
instead of performance.
All of a sudden, dating willinvolve your authenticity rather
than people pleasing.
(20:24):
This divorce happened for areason, and we've talked about
many of those reasons here today, and this is your moment to
really be committed, not just to, oh, recommit to yourself, but
like to be committed to thoseparts of you that still have not
unburdened or healed, and tosay to those parts of you I'm
(20:47):
going to be here for you, I'mgoing to see you, I'm going to
hear you out, I'm going to helpyou put those burdens down and,
hot damn, we are going to find ahottie to live happily ever
after with, without all of thesetoxic patterns and
self-abandonment.
I love you so much.
Peace.
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