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Ever wonder why people-pleasing feels so impossible to break—and what it would take to finally let yourself be seen and heard?
If you’re stuck in cycles of making yourself small to keep the peace—whether at work, with your ex, or even around your kids—this episode is for you. We were taught early on that our value depended on how well we cared for everyone else, and those old stories keep running the show long after childhood.Â
Producer Joy gets real about the roots of her own people-pleasing patterns, and Coach Tiffini walks her through a powerful IFS (Internal Family Systems) session—live and unscripted—that helps link past experiences, somatic sensations, and the beliefs still holding you hostage.
By tuning in, you’ll discover how to recognize the exact moment your people-pleaser takes over, what it means to use somatic tools and EMDR to free yourself from old memory loops, and why integrating body-focused healing (not just talk therapy!) can rewire your responses for good.Â
You’ll walk away with compassion for your old survival strategies, real-life techniques to set boundaries and speak up, and brand-new ways to actually embody your authentic self instead of just talking about it.
Ready to experience your own breakthrough? Press play now to witness this transformative session—and start giving your inner child permission to run wild.
Post Divorce Roadmap - 21 Days of Guided Journaling
Join The list for A Different D Word, our personalized healing program.
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A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
Click HERE To Attend Somatic Workshop For Releasing 'What Could've Been'
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
We just wrapped up in a live IFS session where Coach
Tiffany coached Producer Joythrough an IFS session, and I am
shook.
It was amazing.
Producer Joy was able to workthrough some wild old memories
and really create some bigshifts and this is an episode
(00:23):
you do not want to miss.
Towards the end, I pop in, westart to have some conversation.
I just couldn't hold it inanymore.
It was so exciting.
We talk a little bit about howto integrate somatics into the
IFS process and if about threequarters into the session where
Coach Tiffany asks Producer Joyto have some internal dialogue
you may not be able to hear thison the tape, but from the back
(00:44):
of the room I was like add somebilateral stimulation, aka do
some EMDR.
So this session truly was anintegrative piece of magic.
It was pre-facilitated byhomeopathy, facilitated by Coach
Tiffany and Producer Joy.
Yeah, and then add a littleEMDR and, hot damn, enjoy, hi
(01:16):
love.
Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary,the podcast helping divorcees go
beyond talk therapy to processyour grief, find the healing you
crave and build back yourconfidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Hi Joy, hi Tiffany.
So today I'm really excited toget the opportunity to do IFS
with Joy and I'm excited to diginto Joy's parts a little bit.
How are you feeling abouteverything?
Speaker 3 (01:55):
I'm excited.
I'm a little nervous, but I'mhere for it.
I like knowing myself better,so in full disclosure.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
We were sitting out on the balcony a couple of days
ago and Joy asked if she couldknow what the questions were
that I was going to ask herbecause Joy has a controller
manager that needs to know howwe're going to do everything
today and I would not answer no,she wouldn't.
No clues, no clues.
Joy, do you want to talk aboutthe thing that kind of is the
(02:24):
most prominent to you in youradult life right now, the thing
that seems to stand in your waymore than anything and is the
loudest in your head, becauseyou and I discussed this prior.
We know which manager you'regoing to work on today, but if
you want to just explain whichmanager we're going to tackle
and why that means the most toyou right now for this point in
your life.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Yeah, so so at this juncture, at this season, I am
really focused in working on mypeople pleasing manager, in
which I make myself smaller soother people are more
comfortable and I suppress orpush down any thoughts or
(03:03):
feelings or ideas or attitudesor anything that I would be more
most authentic in, or to tomake other people comfortable
and to please other people, toto make them happy, because if
they're happy, I'm safe.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
Can you remember the first time that you started to
feel this way?
Speaker 3 (03:23):
Not specifically.
I remember as a child my mother, who loved me fiercely.
I'm not shaming her, but therewas a pattern of behavior in
which if I disappointed her, ifI said something that hurt her
feelings, that she would stopspeaking to me and she would
(03:44):
stop, she would withdraw herself.
Um, sometimes weeks at a time,because I hurt her feelings, her
feelings were hurt I, I.
It was never an action, it wasalways a word or a sentence or
like something that I cut herwith my words and she just
couldn't.
So she just shut down, like shejust removed herself from my
(04:07):
presence as a child, okay.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
And as a child, what do you remember that feeling
like in your body?
I felt very scared.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
I felt very unsure, unsafe, you know, as a teen
years.
Of course that was, I wouldroll my eyes and whatever mom
Right, but like that, needing tobe good, to be loved, I needed
to be.
I needed to perform a certainway and be quiet and just be
(04:38):
pleasing.
I wasn't allowed to have, Iwasn't allowed, you know like
big emotions, big feelings.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
For those of you who don't know producer joy, she is
like a ray of sunshine, she is aforce.
So to know that that wassuppressed, that's sad to me.
Speaker 3 (04:54):
I'm doing it now.
I'm, I'm, I'm literally in mybody, like I don't want her to
hear this and and think that Ithink she was a bad mom.
You know, like I'm doing it inmy body now, thinking like no,
no, no, she was a good mom, sheloved me and did her best, but
she had unhealed parts, you know, like her childhood.
So like I feel myself doing it.
(05:15):
Okay, all right.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
So what we'll do, joy , is we'll go ahead and get
started.
So the manager that Joy wantsto address today is her people
pleaser.
So that is where we're going tostart out and go today.
So, joy, I want you to go aheadand close your eyes for me, and
I want you to take just a fewdeep breaths now.
I want you to go ahead andenvision yourself in a place
(05:37):
that you feel safe and you feelcalm, and then, when you're
there in your mind, I want youto describe to me where you are.
Speaker 3 (05:49):
I'm in the mountains.
The breeze is cool, the birdsare singing, the leaves in the
trees are rustling, the littlestream is trickling, the sun is
like streaming through the treeline.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
So I want you to imagine that, as you're walking
through the woods, you happen tosee your people, pleaser,
manager, and I want you todescribe for me initially what
they look like so the firstthing I saw was a little girl,
me being small about.
How old do you think she is?
Speaker 3 (06:32):
maybe nine at nine it's.
It's when I was.
I was riding.
We had a white explorer and Iwas riding in the back because,
you know, back then you didn'thave seat belts.
So I I was riding in the backbecause, you know, back then you
didn't have seatbelts.
So I was laying down in theback end and I heard her tell my
dad that she didn't like me.
They thought I was asleep andthey were having a very frank
(06:56):
conversation about me and Iheard her say the words that she
didn't like me and my peoplepleasing because I said that out
loud.
Now my people pleasing is well,I had ADD and she couldn't
handle me and all the things andso, like that's the little girl
that wasn't good enough andwasn't safe enough to be me.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
So when you walk up to her Joy in the woods and you
see her there, what does she do?
When she notices you, she likeshies away a little bit, Okay.
Speaker 3 (07:34):
She like steps back.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
And then, as you approach her and ask her if
you're allowed to sit down andhave a conversation with her,
what does she say?
Speaker 3 (07:44):
Yes, okay, she wants to make me happy.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
Is there anything else that you notice about her
physically, or just that she isa mirror image of you at nine?
Speaker 3 (07:55):
She has unruly hair.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
And how do you feel in your body sitting next to her
?
Speaker 3 (08:03):
And how do you feel in your body sitting next to her
?
I feel scared.
Okay, I feel unsure, like I'mgoing to say something that
scares her, because I'm going todo something that makes her
feel unloved or uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Do you feel like there's another part coming
forward that's trying to protecther?
I just want to hold her, okay,and then, if that feels good,
you can do that and see ifshe'll come sit up with you.
So I'd like you to ask her, joy, how old does she think you are
?
Old, okay, old, okay, so sherecognizes your current age, or
(08:48):
does she think that you're olderthan you are?
Speaker 3 (08:50):
She probably feels that I'm older than I am.
Okay.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
And can you ask her how she ended up getting her job
as the people pleaser To keepthe peace?
And when you were younger,growing up, how well does she
think she did her job?
Not well, and why is that?
Speaker 3 (09:14):
I think she feels like she was never good enough.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
And now, in this phase of your life, how good of
a job does she think she's doingas your people pleaser?
Speaker 3 (09:26):
I think she has spent many, many years trying hard to
keep me safe and to like, ifshe works a little bit harder
and she does a little bit more,people will like me and stay,
and people will like me and wantme around.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
What is she afraid is going to happen to you if she
doesn't do her job?
Speaker 3 (09:52):
That no one actually likes me.
If I'm not what they want me tobe, then they'll leave.
Like that, I don't actuallyhave anybody in my life.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
What would she rather be doing?
Having fun?
What does she feel like sheneeds to see from you in order
to step back in her job?
Speaker 3 (10:15):
Me to be a stronger and authentic like secure in
being me, being stronger.
That resonates.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
What else does she want you to know, Joy?
That.
Speaker 3 (10:32):
I'm good enough, I'm allowed to be opinionated and
I'm allowed to be right and I'mallowed to be loud.
And I'm not just talking aboutthe loud laugh or a loud volume,
(10:52):
but like, take up space whatare some things that you want to
tell her?
Speaker 2 (11:05):
that she did a really good job and that I'm okay so
what I want you to do now, joy,and that I'm okay.
So what I want you to do now,joy, is, when you feel ready,
you can have some internalconversation with her if you
would like, and then, whenyou're ready, you can just come
back out and tell me when you'reready.
All right.
So how are you feeling afterthat?
Speaker 3 (11:27):
I feel good, I feel I gave her a big hug and said
thank you.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
So a second piece of this, then, is going back to
rework the memory of that daywhen she was created, in the
back of the car right.
So how would you have wantedthat day to go differently?
How should that day have gonefor you?
Speaker 3 (11:48):
I think that any child hearing their parent say
something derogatory about thembehind their back, it's just, it
cuts you and molds you.
So I wish I had like sat up andsaid what did you mean by that?
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Or I wish I had been brave enough not to pretend I
was asleep so I want you toclose your eyes for me and just
take a couple deep breaths, andI want you to just imagine joy
(12:29):
that you are walking as yourselfup to the car and you are
taking that little girl intoyour arms.
And what would you tell?
Speaker 3 (12:43):
her about that day.
It's okay because I like youmore, and it's okay because I
like you more?
Speaker 2 (12:53):
And if you were to bring her into your life now,
where do you feel like she wouldbe the most happy?
Speaker 3 (13:03):
And what do you see her doing?
Being wild?
Speaker 2 (13:08):
being free, being loud, being educated, not
reprimanded.
So, coming back out of that,the way that we put the pieces
together in this is recognizingthose initial body sensations
that you have when you start tofeel like your people pleaser
manager is about ready to comeon scene.
So when you feel like you'rebeing judged or you're starting
(13:30):
to feel feelings of insecurityor somebody says a comment, how
does your body tell you?
Speaker 3 (13:36):
yeah, so my arms, the , the skin on my arms gets
tingly.
You know, earlier, when I saidthat thing about my mom, like no
, no, no, she loved me, becausemy whole, my whole arms, the
topical skin of my arms justwent ablaze, I could see them
(13:59):
get red.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Yeah, Like you changed quickly.
Oh really, oh yeah.
Speaker 3 (14:02):
It's a visible change too.
That's interesting.
Okay, that's so interesting.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Yeah, so the whole point of reworking that memory
is that the next time it's beingvery self-aware, that the next
time you start feeling thatsensation in your body, I want
you to picture nine-year-old joyin your world, now, feral and
wild, and doing her thing,whether that's in the backyard
(14:27):
with the dogs you know, doingwhatever she wanted to do
catching fireflies with the dogs, you know, doing whatever she
wanted to do catching fireflies,flying a cat, like whatever it
is.
But your body and your brainwill learn to bring that into
your memory.
That will be the new memorybecause, right now.
What's happening every singletime is that when you feel that
sensation in your body andpeople pleaser comes up, she
(14:47):
goes right back to being in theback of that car.
Oh, so you have to give yourbrain, an individual.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
Okay, okay.
So when my arms are on fire, Igrab that little girl out.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
Yes, okay, and you just keep bringing her back into
your world until itincorporates, and that's where
your brain automatically goes.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
Okay, that's fascinating.
Okay, that's fascinating yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
Okay.
So, joy, why don't you go aheadand just get up for me, shake
it out a little bit and thencome back and tell me what
you're noticing?
So the reason, too, why we'reasking Joy to get up and move
around is because it isexpelling all of that energy and
it is resetting the memory aswell.
It's allowing her to get up andget wild and free, and the
(15:37):
thing that I asked her to do isthe thing that she can do, and
so it kind of like cements thatin her mind.
So, joy, what I would ask youto do over the next couple of
weeks is, I would ask you to bevery intentional and self-aware
when you start feeling thatsensation in your body, to start
bringing her into your world.
I would also challenge you tostart setting boundaries with
those around you and if youdon't understand what someone is
telling you, challenge back.
What did you mean by that?
What does that mean?
Okay, do not sit and let itruminate in your brain, because
(16:00):
that's that's the cycle, that'sthe cycle you're in.
So, instead of speaking up,you're still that little girl in
the back of the car, afraid toget up, and say hello, I'm here.
Yeah, I need to know what'shappening.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
Yeah, Mm-hmm, when we're re-mapping a memory and we
can pull the somatics in, justlike Coach Tiffany had you get
up and shake it off, right.
So when you're doing this workover the next couple of weeks
and you feel that movement onyour skin, speaking up may not
(16:33):
feel super available right awaybecause it's a new pattern, it's
a new behavior and any newpattern feels awkward and it
doesn't always come naturallyright away.
So anytime we can includesomatics.
If you were at a fancy functionand you were just a Tay and a
wind, what's?
that movie I don't remember mygirlfriend Ty used to always
(16:55):
quote that that would behysterical.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
And it would be classic joy.
I envision like those, thoseblowy things, yeah, and like the
advertisement outside things,yeah, yeah, yeah.
And like the advertisementoutside businesses, like blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,yeah, you're like.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
No, but just the idea .
When you make that mentalconnection with that
nine-year-old girl and you say,hey, let's you know, it can
almost be like your own littleinner secret, like your inside
joke with yourself, right?
So yes, if I see you across theballroom giggling and like
shaking, I'll know what you'redoing right.
But it's just that littleinternal nod to her yeah, and to
(17:35):
physically move it will beeasier for her to find her voice
right.
It's creating that neuralpathway.
So there's a book that I love,that I read so many moons ago,
called Waking the Tiger, andit's a trauma book, but it talks
about how, when our typicalpattern is fight, flight, freeze
, fawn, we all have a typicalright and in this particular
memory it was freeze, yeah,Right, you described feeling
frozen.
So if, as you're re reimaginingthis memory and you're breaking
(17:59):
this pattern, if you can domovement, it will help integrate
the new way of doing it andit'll make the vocal part of hey
, what do you mean by that?
Yeah, come easier and it'lljust help it all integrate,
because we know from talktherapy right that if we are
only healing through talking,yeah, it's just not going to go
deep enough.
right, we have to add thesomatics, we have to add the
(18:21):
subconscious belief, right?
Speaker 3 (18:29):
So it's like just pulling all these things
together.
Yeah, somatically okay, even ifthe movement is small.
Right, that makes sense.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
That makes sense, but like um, I could add a delicate
butterfly tap, yeah, anything,yep, it's just the idea of not
being frozen right, that's it.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
I do freeze for sure.
Okay, what?
What's so?
What's so interesting aboutthis particular memory is that
I've done emdr around my mom,hearing my mom, but I've never
thought about me like the factthat I didn't sit up or I didn't
(19:02):
protect myself or I didn't likeit didn't.
I never have gone there before.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
So you did EMDR on this memory.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
I did EMDR about telling like the whole not good
enough.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
But did that memory come up, mm-hmm.
And was this pre-homeopathy?
Speaker 3 (19:17):
This was pre-homeopathy, so that's the
thing, right, love's like Love's.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
I need you to hear this.
Joy went to EMDR.
She did some good EMDR work butyour level of dissociation was
too high and, honestly, what youwere describing as being frozen
in the back of the car and nothaving the courage, we're not
going to call that not havingthe courage anymore.
We're going to call thatdissociation.
(19:44):
That is probably not in any waythe first time you dissociated
right Because a mom that'salready speaking that way about
her child has already acted awayenergetically for the nine
years leading up to that moment?
Speaker 3 (19:54):
Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Okay, so you were dissociated in the back of that
car.
Speaker 3 (20:02):
That makes that clicks it.
Just I'm going to start cryingagain.
That's okay, everything thatclicks everything.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
And so what homeopathy did is it opened all
of the pathways, it cleared allthe energetic blocks,
reinforcing dissociation, and so, when you did this session with
Tiffany, you were able to havethe emotional release that you
never, ever, had not from thatday when the event happened and
(20:28):
not in the EMDR pre-homeopathyright.
And so it's not that you didn'tget any benefit from the EMDR.
You connected some dots right,you understood yourself better,
you were maybe able to releaseto whatever degree you were able
to reach into that right, butit was largely intellectual, not
embodied.
Speaker 3 (20:47):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Today you experienced the relief of an emotional
release, and now it is so muchmore likely that that memory
passes back into long-termstorage, where it was meant to
go, in a non-dissociativeprocess.
Speaker 3 (21:03):
Wow, my mind is like so blown right now because
coming into today, I truly wasjust like I've done so much work
.
I don't know how good thisepisode is going to be.
Like I can't I don't even knowif I can access what she's
wanting me to access anymore, soI cannot even articulate.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
But this is the point , right.
Anywhere you are experiencingpatterns in your relationships,
right, and this pattern comes upin our relationship.
We're letting them see behindthe podcast microphone, right,
this pattern comes up in ourrelationship a lot, like in
hearing this session.
It is so much easier to loveyou now Knowing these little
like, these little textures,right.
(21:45):
Like when this pattern comes up, I know where it's coming from.
Now I understand which part I'mtalking to and how to love that
part, right?
So anytime you're havingpatterns come up in any of your
relationships, so for ourlisteners, whether this is in
dating, and the same thing getstriggered on a first date or a
third date or a 12th date, orit's- coming up with their
kiddos or it's coming up withtheir ex.
(22:06):
Anytime we're seeing repetitivepatterns where we're going to
not good enough or lonely orinsecure or anxious or whatever
it is.
There is some memory somewherewith something hung up.
Speaker 3 (22:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Otherwise the pattern wouldn't be patterning.
So I was in the room for thisentire session.
It changed my life to hear itright, because these are two
women that I love so fiercelyand so deeply and now I just,
you know, get to know more andlove them harder, and all the
things.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
You are pure magic.
Peace, dear Divorce Diary is apodcast by my coach, dawn.
(22:55):
You can find more atmycoachdawncom.
We just wrapped up in a live IFS session where Coach
Tiffany coached Producer Joythrough an IFS session, and I am
shook.
It was amazing.
Producer Joy was able to workthrough some wild old memories
and really create some bigshifts and this is an episode
(00:23):
you do not want to miss.
Towards the end, I pop in, westart to have some conversation.
I just couldn't hold it inanymore.
It was so exciting.
We talk a little bit about howto integrate somatics into the
IFS process and if about threequarters into the session where
Coach Tiffany asks Producer Joyto have some internal dialogue
you may not be able to hear thison the tape, but from the back
(00:44):
of the room I was like add somebilateral stimulation, aka do
some EMDR.
So this session truly was anintegrative piece of magic.
It was pre-facilitated byhomeopathy, facilitated by Coach
Tiffany and Producer Joy.
Yeah, and then add a littleEMDR and, hot damn, enjoy, hi
(01:16):
love.
Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary,the podcast helping divorcees go
beyond talk therapy to processyour grief, find the healing you
crave and build back yourconfidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
Speaker 2 (01:40):
Hi Joy, hi Tiffany.
So today I'm really excited toget the opportunity to do IFS
with Joy and I'm excited to diginto Joy's parts a little bit.
How are you feeling abouteverything?
Speaker 3 (01:55):
I'm excited.
I'm a little nervous, but I'mhere for it.
I like knowing myself better,so in full disclosure.
Speaker 2 (02:04):
We were sitting out on the balcony a couple of days
ago and Joy asked if she couldknow what the questions were
that I was going to ask herbecause Joy has a controller
manager that needs to know howwe're going to do everything
today and I would not answer no,she wouldn't.
No clues, no clues.
Joy, do you want to talk aboutthe thing that kind of is the
(02:24):
most prominent to you in youradult life right now, the thing
that seems to stand in your waymore than anything and is the
loudest in your head, becauseyou and I discussed this prior.
We know which manager you'regoing to work on today, but if
you want to just explain whichmanager we're going to tackle
and why that means the most toyou right now for this point in
your life.
Speaker 3 (02:43):
Yeah, so so at this juncture, at this season, I am
really focused in working on mypeople pleasing manager, in
which I make myself smaller soother people are more
comfortable and I suppress orpush down any thoughts or
(03:03):
feelings or ideas or attitudesor anything that I would be more
most authentic in, or to tomake other people comfortable
and to please other people, toto make them happy, because if
they're happy, I'm safe.
Speaker 2 (03:20):
Can you remember the first time that you started to
feel this way?
Speaker 3 (03:23):
Not specifically.
I remember as a child my mother, who loved me fiercely.
I'm not shaming her, but therewas a pattern of behavior in
which if I disappointed her, ifI said something that hurt her
feelings, that she would stopspeaking to me and she would
(03:44):
stop, she would withdraw herself.
Um, sometimes weeks at a time,because I hurt her feelings, her
feelings were hurt I, I.
It was never an action, it wasalways a word or a sentence or
like something that I cut herwith my words and she just
couldn't.
So she just shut down, like shejust removed herself from my
(04:07):
presence as a child, okay.
Speaker 2 (04:09):
And as a child, what do you remember that feeling
like in your body?
I felt very scared.
Speaker 3 (04:15):
I felt very unsure, unsafe, you know, as a teen
years.
Of course that was, I wouldroll my eyes and whatever mom
Right, but like that, needing tobe good, to be loved, I needed
to be.
I needed to perform a certainway and be quiet and just be
(04:38):
pleasing.
I wasn't allowed to have, Iwasn't allowed, you know like
big emotions, big feelings.
Speaker 2 (04:44):
For those of you who don't know producer joy, she is
like a ray of sunshine, she is aforce.
So to know that that wassuppressed, that's sad to me.
Speaker 3 (04:54):
I'm doing it now.
I'm, I'm, I'm literally in mybody, like I don't want her to
hear this and and think that Ithink she was a bad mom.
You know, like I'm doing it inmy body now, thinking like no,
no, no, she was a good mom, sheloved me and did her best, but
she had unhealed parts, you know, like her childhood.
So like I feel myself doing it.
(05:15):
Okay, all right.
Speaker 2 (05:17):
So what we'll do, joy , is we'll go ahead and get
started.
So the manager that Joy wantsto address today is her people
pleaser.
So that is where we're going tostart out and go today.
So, joy, I want you to go aheadand close your eyes for me, and
I want you to take just a fewdeep breaths now.
I want you to go ahead andenvision yourself in a place
(05:37):
that you feel safe and you feelcalm, and then, when you're
there in your mind, I want youto describe to me where you are.
Speaker 3 (05:49):
I'm in the mountains.
The breeze is cool, the birdsare singing, the leaves in the
trees are rustling, the littlestream is trickling, the sun is
like streaming through the treeline.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
So I want you to imagine that, as you're walking
through the woods, you happen tosee your people, pleaser,
manager, and I want you todescribe for me initially what
they look like so the firstthing I saw was a little girl,
me being small about.
How old do you think she is?
Speaker 3 (06:32):
maybe nine at nine it's.
It's when I was.
I was riding.
We had a white explorer and Iwas riding in the back because,
you know, back then you didn'thave seat belts.
So I I was riding in the backbecause, you know, back then you
didn't have seatbelts.
So I was laying down in theback end and I heard her tell my
dad that she didn't like me.
They thought I was asleep andthey were having a very frank
(06:56):
conversation about me and Iheard her say the words that she
didn't like me and my peoplepleasing because I said that out
loud.
Now my people pleasing is well,I had ADD and she couldn't
handle me and all the things andso, like that's the little girl
that wasn't good enough andwasn't safe enough to be me.
Speaker 2 (07:21):
So when you walk up to her Joy in the woods and you
see her there, what does she do?
When she notices you, she likeshies away a little bit, Okay.
Speaker 3 (07:34):
She like steps back.
Speaker 2 (07:36):
And then, as you approach her and ask her if
you're allowed to sit down andhave a conversation with her,
what does she say?
Speaker 3 (07:44):
Yes, okay, she wants to make me happy.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
Is there anything else that you notice about her
physically, or just that she isa mirror image of you at nine?
Speaker 3 (07:55):
She has unruly hair.
Speaker 2 (08:00):
And how do you feel in your body sitting next to her
?
Speaker 3 (08:03):
And how do you feel in your body sitting next to her
?
I feel scared.
Okay, I feel unsure, like I'mgoing to say something that
scares her, because I'm going todo something that makes her
feel unloved or uncomfortable.
Speaker 2 (08:21):
Do you feel like there's another part coming
forward that's trying to protecther?
I just want to hold her, okay,and then, if that feels good,
you can do that and see ifshe'll come sit up with you.
So I'd like you to ask her, joy, how old does she think you are
?
Old, okay, old, okay, so sherecognizes your current age, or
(08:48):
does she think that you're olderthan you are?
Speaker 3 (08:50):
She probably feels that I'm older than I am.
Okay.
Speaker 2 (08:56):
And can you ask her how she ended up getting her job
as the people pleaser To keepthe peace?
And when you were younger,growing up, how well does she
think she did her job?
Not well, and why is that?
Speaker 3 (09:14):
I think she feels like she was never good enough.
Speaker 2 (09:19):
And now, in this phase of your life, how good of
a job does she think she's doingas your people pleaser?
Speaker 3 (09:26):
I think she has spent many, many years trying hard to
keep me safe and to like, ifshe works a little bit harder
and she does a little bit more,people will like me and stay,
and people will like me and wantme around.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
What is she afraid is going to happen to you if she
doesn't do her job?
Speaker 3 (09:52):
That no one actually likes me.
If I'm not what they want me tobe, then they'll leave.
Like that, I don't actuallyhave anybody in my life.
Speaker 2 (10:04):
What would she rather be doing?
Having fun?
What does she feel like sheneeds to see from you in order
to step back in her job?
Speaker 3 (10:15):
Me to be a stronger and authentic like secure in
being me, being stronger.
That resonates.
Speaker 2 (10:29):
What else does she want you to know, Joy?
That.
Speaker 3 (10:32):
I'm good enough, I'm allowed to be opinionated and
I'm allowed to be right and I'mallowed to be loud.
And I'm not just talking aboutthe loud laugh or a loud volume,
(10:52):
but like, take up space whatare some things that you want to
tell her?
Speaker 2 (11:05):
that she did a really good job and that I'm okay so
what I want you to do now, joy,and that I'm okay.
So what I want you to do now,joy, is, when you feel ready,
you can have some internalconversation with her if you
would like, and then, whenyou're ready, you can just come
back out and tell me when you'reready.
All right.
So how are you feeling afterthat?
Speaker 3 (11:27):
I feel good, I feel I gave her a big hug and said
thank you.
Speaker 2 (11:31):
So a second piece of this, then, is going back to
rework the memory of that daywhen she was created, in the
back of the car right.
So how would you have wantedthat day to go differently?
How should that day have gonefor you?
Speaker 3 (11:48):
I think that any child hearing their parent say
something derogatory about thembehind their back, it's just, it
cuts you and molds you.
So I wish I had like sat up andsaid what did you mean by that?
Speaker 2 (12:08):
Or I wish I had been brave enough not to pretend I
was asleep so I want you toclose your eyes for me and just
take a couple deep breaths, andI want you to just imagine joy
(12:29):
that you are walking as yourselfup to the car and you are
taking that little girl intoyour arms.
And what would you tell?
Speaker 3 (12:43):
her about that day.
It's okay because I like youmore, and it's okay because I
like you more?
Speaker 2 (12:53):
And if you were to bring her into your life now,
where do you feel like she wouldbe the most happy?
Speaker 3 (13:03):
And what do you see her doing?
Being wild?
Speaker 2 (13:08):
being free, being loud, being educated, not
reprimanded.
So, coming back out of that,the way that we put the pieces
together in this is recognizingthose initial body sensations
that you have when you start tofeel like your people pleaser
manager is about ready to comeon scene.
So when you feel like you'rebeing judged or you're starting
(13:30):
to feel feelings of insecurityor somebody says a comment, how
does your body tell you?
Speaker 3 (13:36):
yeah, so my arms, the , the skin on my arms gets
tingly.
You know, earlier, when I saidthat thing about my mom, like no
, no, no, she loved me, becausemy whole, my whole arms, the
topical skin of my arms justwent ablaze, I could see them
(13:59):
get red.
Speaker 2 (13:59):
Yeah, Like you changed quickly.
Oh really, oh yeah.
Speaker 3 (14:02):
It's a visible change too.
That's interesting.
Okay, that's so interesting.
Speaker 2 (14:06):
Yeah, so the whole point of reworking that memory
is that the next time it's beingvery self-aware, that the next
time you start feeling thatsensation in your body, I want
you to picture nine-year-old joyin your world, now, feral and
wild, and doing her thing,whether that's in the backyard
(14:27):
with the dogs you know, doingwhatever she wanted to do
catching fireflies with the dogs, you know, doing whatever she
wanted to do catching fireflies,flying a cat, like whatever it
is.
But your body and your brainwill learn to bring that into
your memory.
That will be the new memorybecause, right now.
What's happening every singletime is that when you feel that
sensation in your body andpeople pleaser comes up, she
(14:47):
goes right back to being in theback of that car.
Oh, so you have to give yourbrain, an individual.
Speaker 3 (14:55):
Okay, okay.
So when my arms are on fire, Igrab that little girl out.
Speaker 2 (15:01):
Yes, okay, and you just keep bringing her back into
your world until itincorporates, and that's where
your brain automatically goes.
Speaker 3 (15:10):
Okay, that's fascinating.
Okay, that's fascinating yeah.
Speaker 2 (15:12):
Okay.
So, joy, why don't you go aheadand just get up for me, shake
it out a little bit and thencome back and tell me what
you're noticing?
So the reason, too, why we'reasking Joy to get up and move
around is because it isexpelling all of that energy and
it is resetting the memory aswell.
It's allowing her to get up andget wild and free, and the
(15:37):
thing that I asked her to do isthe thing that she can do, and
so it kind of like cements thatin her mind.
So, joy, what I would ask youto do over the next couple of
weeks is, I would ask you to bevery intentional and self-aware
when you start feeling thatsensation in your body, to start
bringing her into your world.
I would also challenge you tostart setting boundaries with
those around you and if youdon't understand what someone is
telling you, challenge back.
What did you mean by that?
What does that mean?
Okay, do not sit and let itruminate in your brain, because
(16:00):
that's that's the cycle, that'sthe cycle you're in.
So, instead of speaking up,you're still that little girl in
the back of the car, afraid toget up, and say hello, I'm here.
Yeah, I need to know what'shappening.
Speaker 1 (16:11):
Yeah, Mm-hmm, when we're re-mapping a memory and we
can pull the somatics in, justlike Coach Tiffany had you get
up and shake it off, right.
So when you're doing this workover the next couple of weeks
and you feel that movement onyour skin, speaking up may not
(16:33):
feel super available right awaybecause it's a new pattern, it's
a new behavior and any newpattern feels awkward and it
doesn't always come naturallyright away.
So anytime we can includesomatics.
If you were at a fancy functionand you were just a Tay and a
wind, what's?
that movie I don't remember mygirlfriend Ty used to always
(16:55):
quote that that would behysterical.
Speaker 3 (16:58):
And it would be classic joy.
I envision like those, thoseblowy things, yeah, and like the
advertisement outside things,yeah, yeah, yeah.
And like the advertisementoutside businesses, like blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,yeah, you're like.
Speaker 1 (17:10):
No, but just the idea .
When you make that mentalconnection with that
nine-year-old girl and you say,hey, let's you know, it can
almost be like your own littleinner secret, like your inside
joke with yourself, right?
So yes, if I see you across theballroom giggling and like
shaking, I'll know what you'redoing right.
But it's just that littleinternal nod to her yeah, and to
(17:35):
physically move it will beeasier for her to find her voice
right.
It's creating that neuralpathway.
So there's a book that I love,that I read so many moons ago,
called Waking the Tiger, andit's a trauma book, but it talks
about how, when our typicalpattern is fight, flight, freeze
, fawn, we all have a typicalright and in this particular
memory it was freeze, yeah,Right, you described feeling
frozen.
So if, as you're re reimaginingthis memory and you're breaking
(17:59):
this pattern, if you can domovement, it will help integrate
the new way of doing it andit'll make the vocal part of hey
, what do you mean by that?
Yeah, come easier and it'lljust help it all integrate,
because we know from talktherapy right that if we are
only healing through talking,yeah, it's just not going to go
deep enough.
right, we have to add thesomatics, we have to add the
(18:21):
subconscious belief, right?
Speaker 3 (18:29):
So it's like just pulling all these things
together.
Yeah, somatically okay, even ifthe movement is small.
Right, that makes sense.
Speaker 1 (18:34):
That makes sense, but like um, I could add a delicate
butterfly tap, yeah, anything,yep, it's just the idea of not
being frozen right, that's it.
Speaker 3 (18:39):
I do freeze for sure.
Okay, what?
What's so?
What's so interesting aboutthis particular memory is that
I've done emdr around my mom,hearing my mom, but I've never
thought about me like the factthat I didn't sit up or I didn't
(19:02):
protect myself or I didn't likeit didn't.
I never have gone there before.
Speaker 1 (19:08):
So you did EMDR on this memory.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
I did EMDR about telling like the whole not good
enough.
Speaker 1 (19:13):
But did that memory come up, mm-hmm.
And was this pre-homeopathy?
Speaker 3 (19:17):
This was pre-homeopathy, so that's the
thing, right, love's like Love's.
Speaker 1 (19:22):
I need you to hear this.
Joy went to EMDR.
She did some good EMDR work butyour level of dissociation was
too high and, honestly, what youwere describing as being frozen
in the back of the car and nothaving the courage, we're not
going to call that not havingthe courage anymore.
We're going to call thatdissociation.
(19:44):
That is probably not in any waythe first time you dissociated
right Because a mom that'salready speaking that way about
her child has already acted awayenergetically for the nine
years leading up to that moment?
Speaker 3 (19:54):
Yeah, for sure.
Speaker 1 (19:55):
Okay, so you were dissociated in the back of that
car.
Speaker 3 (20:02):
That makes that clicks it.
Just I'm going to start cryingagain.
That's okay, everything thatclicks everything.
Speaker 1 (20:08):
And so what homeopathy did is it opened all
of the pathways, it cleared allthe energetic blocks,
reinforcing dissociation, and so, when you did this session with
Tiffany, you were able to havethe emotional release that you
never, ever, had not from thatday when the event happened and
(20:28):
not in the EMDR pre-homeopathyright.
And so it's not that you didn'tget any benefit from the EMDR.
You connected some dots right,you understood yourself better,
you were maybe able to releaseto whatever degree you were able
to reach into that right, butit was largely intellectual, not
embodied.
Speaker 3 (20:47):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (20:48):
Today you experienced the relief of an emotional
release, and now it is so muchmore likely that that memory
passes back into long-termstorage, where it was meant to
go, in a non-dissociativeprocess.
Speaker 3 (21:03):
Wow, my mind is like so blown right now because
coming into today, I truly wasjust like I've done so much work
.
I don't know how good thisepisode is going to be.
Like I can't I don't even knowif I can access what she's
wanting me to access anymore, soI cannot even articulate.
Speaker 1 (21:24):
But this is the point , right.
Anywhere you are experiencingpatterns in your relationships,
right, and this pattern comes upin our relationship.
We're letting them see behindthe podcast microphone, right,
this pattern comes up in ourrelationship a lot, like in
hearing this session.
It is so much easier to loveyou now Knowing these little
like, these little textures,right.
(21:45):
Like when this pattern comes up, I know where it's coming from.
Now I understand which part I'mtalking to and how to love that
part, right?
So anytime you're havingpatterns come up in any of your
relationships, so for ourlisteners, whether this is in
dating, and the same thing getstriggered on a first date or a
third date or a 12th date, orit's- coming up with their
kiddos or it's coming up withtheir ex.
(22:06):
Anytime we're seeing repetitivepatterns where we're going to
not good enough or lonely orinsecure or anxious or whatever
it is.
There is some memory somewherewith something hung up.
Speaker 3 (22:19):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (22:20):
Otherwise the pattern wouldn't be patterning.
So I was in the room for thisentire session.
It changed my life to hear itright, because these are two
women that I love so fiercelyand so deeply and now I just,
you know, get to know more andlove them harder, and all the
things.
Thank you so much for beinghere.
You are pure magic.
Peace, dear Divorce Diary is apodcast by my coach, dawn.
(22:55):
You can find more atmycoachdawncom.
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