July 15, 2025 • 19 mins
🎙️🎇✨SUBSCRIBE TO PREMIUM TO HEAR ALL EPISODES HERE✨🎇🎙️
If you've been strong for everyone else and crave a space where your truth isn't too much - come exhale with us in our exclusive online community and receive the Loneliness Roadmap for free. Join here ✨
*************************************************************************************
Have you ever felt sure your relationship is over, but just can’t seem to leave, and then wondered what’s wrong with you for staying?
If you’re quietly battling the should-I-stay-or-should-I-go debate or feeling trapped by the complex realities of divorce, you’re not alone. All those well-meaning voices telling you to “just leave” or “do what’s right for the kids” rarely acknowledge the real safety fears, financial worries, or emotional roadblocks that keep you frozen in place.
In this episode, you’ll learn why “Should I stay or should I go?” is the wrong question for people in your shoes, discover how to recognize and support the protector parts of you that are keeping you stuck (without self-blame), and get practical strategies for caring for yourself—body and mind—until you really are ready to take action.
Let this episode be your permission slip to stop beating yourself up and finally start building the clarity, self-belief, and inner safety you need—press play now to learn how to navigate the messy middle of the divorce process with self-compassion and renewed strength.
Journal Prompts:
- "What part of me is afraid to leave?"
- "What is that part afraid will happen if I leave?"
- "What part of me is afraid to stay?"
- "What is that part afraid of if I stay?"
- "How can you choose to stay, without disappearing?"
Post Divorce Roadmap - 21 Days of Guided Journaling
Join The list for A Different D Word, our personalized healing program.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/dawnwiggins/
On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
💔 Still grieving the life you imagined?
Take the quiz to uncover your nervous system type and what it needs to finally let go →
Mark as Played
Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
You already know it's over.
The clarity is there, but theaction is a different story.
You're not staying becauseyou're weak.
You're staying because the pathforward feels a little
impossible right now.
For some reason.
It's unsafe or it might hurtyour kids more than it helps.
So this episode is yourpermission slip to stop asking
(00:21):
why am I still here and startasking what do I need to feel
safe enough to leave or to staywithout abandoning myself?
Hi love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
(00:44):
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
(01:12):
When we were planning thisepisode, we really were talking
about all the nuanced ways inwhich.
Should I stay or should I go isnot the best inquiry.
Love, because it's not likelife is not that clear cut,
right.
So in today's episode we aregoing to talk about how should I
stay or should I go is thewrong question for where you are
in the divorce explorationprocess.
We are also going to talk aboutthe very many reasons that
(01:37):
people stay for the kids, andwe're going to look at the costs
and the benefits of thosethings and help you cope with it
in the meantime, right.
And then we are going to lookat the ways in which your body
is storing what you can'texpress when you are in a very
real reality of needing to stay,and how to work through those
things while you're in thestaying phase.
Let's dig in.
(01:58):
Okay, should I stay or should Igo?
Screw that question, throw itout.
So, in the context of all thetools we use here on the podcast
, I want you to ask a newquestion and it's an IFS
question, right which is whichparts of me are asking to stay
(02:22):
and which parts of me are readyto go.
Now, very often, when we freezeor we get stuck in indecision or
internal conflict is because wehave parts that want to go one
direction and parts that want togo the other, and then we are
literally in internal conflictwhere we then shut down or
freeze from a nervous systemstandpoint.
And so when we start to get intouch with which parts of me are
(02:46):
saying it's not time to go yet.
I don't feel safe to go yet,whether that's from a legal
perspective, from a financialperspective, from a physical,
mental or emotional healthperspective, from the capacity
of I don't have enough resourcefor my children yet, like,
whatever the reason is whichparts of me are identifying.
Actually, it's on some level,in some way a safety issue for
(03:08):
me to leave right now.
But then you have parts who mayfeel completely unsafe staying,
and that's a funny thing Funnyis not the right word there,
right when some of your partsdon't feel safe going and some
of your parts don't feel safestaying, and that's what causes
this sort of complete freeze orcollapse experience.
And so really getting clear onthose parts because once you get
(03:29):
clear on those parts, then wecan start to give those parts
what they need in order tomobilize or to feel like they
can get their needs met or takeaction or feel safer or whatever
right.
We can get you unstuck andmoving forward.
So staying does not mean you'rebroken.
It means that there is aprotector part that is still in
charge, that is calling theshots, that is saying, nope, we
(03:51):
do not have the necessaryresources in place in order for
this to be a safer, healthydecision to move on.
So hello, protector parts,welcome to the chat.
Thank you for keeping us allsafe in the way that you do and
talk to us about what you need,right?
Okay, there is some journalingthat you could do here.
(04:12):
That would be very, very, verybeneficial, right, and it's this
idea of and I'll put these inthe show notes but what part of
me is afraid to leave and whatis it afraid?
What is that part of me afraidwill happen if I leave?
Now, you probably need to askthis question a number of times,
because there's more than onething, right, and then, what
(04:35):
part of me is afraid to stay andwhat is that part afraid will
happen if I stay?
And so, once we start to getclarity on these issues, then we
have sort of a roadmap forwardfor how to start meeting those
needs a little bit at a time andcoping with the messy middle.
When it's not, you're not thereyet, right, you're just not
(04:56):
there yet.
Anytime we're putting thingsinto a binary context like stay
or go, for instance, cookie orno cookie, should I eat the
cookie or should I not eat thecookie we end up typically
feeling like we're in a no-winsituation.
Somebody gets disappointedinside of us, right?
Like either I'm withholdingfrom myself or I feel trapped or
(05:18):
shame about the decision that Imake, because half of me is
disappointed in the choice andhalf of me is relieved.
So really reframing thisquestion, moving it out of the
binary space, moves it into aplace of gray where we can
really tease it apart andmeaningfully address, identify
and address our nuanced needs.
(05:39):
And that is a beautifulconversation where we can
support ourselves in so manybetter ways, right, more
enhanced ways.
So this is a fantasticjournaling activity to do to
help you get more clarity andmore safety and to help just
feel more peaceful inside right,to stop being so hard on
(06:01):
yourself, stop beating yourselfup so much and to feel like
there's something you can do,because I think so much of this
phase feels like you're helpless, hopeless and stuck.
And the more you do this typeof journaling, the more clarity
you will have on steps you cantake, and I think that often in
and of itself provides boatloadsof relief.
All right, let's take a look atwhen we savor the kids, how that
(06:26):
tends to lead to abandoningself.
But there is a solution.
There's always a solution.
Right.
It does again.
Anytime things feel binary,we're missing something.
Right.
There is a perspective that'smissing because there's almost
always infinite options rightthat we're just not aware of,
and so when things become verybinary or black and white, we're
missing pieces.
So there are a lot of very, veryvalid reasons to stay for the
(06:50):
kids, and I actually, spicy takeright have heard way too many
Instagram accounts in the courseof my career say that we
shouldn't stay for the kidsbecause we should leave and
model for them, fighting forwhat's right and setting
boundaries and all of thosethings.
And while that is true for somewomen and some families and
some children, sometimes thereare limiting factors for
(07:13):
whatever period of time, andit's not the best choice to
leave because of whatever thecircumstances are.
So that could have to do withmessy custody battles, financial
instability, health instability, that you're just not in a
place financially or from aresource perspective, and
resources can be a lot of thingsResources having enough sleep
(07:36):
on a regular basis.
Resources having enough money,resources having enough health.
Resources having enough supportsystem you know like people to
pick your kids up from schooland this or that right.
Resources in a lot of differentformats.
And so your fears about havingto parallel parent or time share
, your fears about finances,your fears about having enough
(08:00):
community support.
Those are real and they needsolutions.
And there are times that we'relike, screw it.
Those are real and they needsolutions.
And there are times that we'relike, screw it, I'll leap and
the net will appear right, andthere are times that you're not
there yet, and we need to reallybe able to identify the
difference between those things.
However, when we stay and we'redoing it because we don't have
(08:20):
enough resource yet right weneed to really take a look at
the ways in which we might beshowing our kids
self-abandonment or normalizingdysfunction, and I think there
is a middle ground there wherewe can do better at taking care
of ourselves.
We can do better at breakingdysfunctional patterns or habits
, even though we're in the phaseof staying for a period of time
right.
(08:41):
So it's not.
Let's stop calling it stayingfor the kids right, because all
of the TikTokers and theInstagrammers that are saying
stop staying for the kids.
Your kids deserve to see ahealthy, loving relationship,
right.
That's oversimplifying thecomplexity of these issues, so
we're going to call it from hereon out.
We're going to call it stayinguntil you have enough resources
(09:03):
and self-belief that you areready for a life that's safe and
yours Resources and self-belief, and self-belief PS is a
resource in and of itself, right.
And so when we leap and wedon't have enough belief yet,
things can really disintegrate,and so belief is part of that
readiness process that I can dothis and I believe in myself
(09:25):
enough to take this leap, andthen I will be okay.
Right, so self-belief is itsown resource.
You're not staying for the kids, you're staying until you have
enough resource and you believethat you are ready for a life
that's safe and yours Okay.
So what does it look like inthis phase of staying and this
(09:46):
could be a journal prompt, right?
What would it look like in thisphase of staying to choose to
stay without disappearing?
How can you choose to staywithout disappearing?
So I think, very often whathappens is we end up having to
(10:08):
build energetic walls aroundourselves when we're staying
right, because we're in anenvironment, we're sharing
energy with someone that itdoesn't feel safe to be sharing
energy with, and so then we endup shutting down to a certain
extent to try to cope or survive, and that does become
disappearing andself-abandonment, and so we need
to look at all the ways inwhich you can still feel and
(10:31):
process and ground and expressand receive from your support
systems without disappearing.
That's really where we look atmaking sure you're talking about
these things in a productiveway, not in a venting way
necessarily.
What's the difference betweenproductive and venting?
(10:52):
Productive is in a way whereyou are feeling the depth of
your feelings in an effort tolet them come, so you can let
them go right.
Sharing in a way that's helpingyou process emotionally, which
means I don't see a lot of womendoing this, because when
they're talking to their friends, they're stuffing their
emotions and they're sharing thestory, because women who are
really feeling the depth of whatthey're feeling if I'm calling
(11:15):
you out right now, love, let mehold your hand while I do it so
often I watch the women I love,the clients I work with even try
to cry faster or less to not bea burden to the woman that
they're sharing with.
So how many times in your lifedo you catch yourself trying to
cry faster, meaning get it allout in a hurry, or cry less and
(11:38):
pack it back up quickly, or notcry at all because you don't
want to be a burden or be toomuch or too intense, or you
don't even you don't want tofeel, right.
There's something you don'twant to feel, and so when you're
sharing with your supportsystems in a productive way, it
is to feel the depths of whatthere is, to feel so that you
can let it come, so you can letit go.
(11:58):
When you are retelling storiesabout what your soon-to-be ex is
doing from a place of venting,you are not processing, you are
reinforcing, right?
So if you're staying right now,please, please, please, be
emotionally processing andpurging what's going on, be in
(12:19):
good, good, good therapy orcoaching, be doing IFS work and
be doing so much somatic work.
So in the summer, I think it'seasier to do somatics because we
just tend to be more physicaland we tend to be moving around
and going outside and doing allthe things and sweating and all
the stuff, versus in the winter,where we're just a little more
(12:40):
still and maybe a little moreisolated.
So just keep in mind, right,whatever season of the year you
might be listening to this, makesure you are moving your body
to get the stagnant energy andsuppressed emotion out.
Now in this week's Thursdaypremium episode if you're a
premium subscriber we're goingto talk about a somatic exercise
I have never talked about onthe podcast before.
(13:01):
That is essential for women whohave stuck anger, rage, shame
stuck in their body.
Right, I'm going to teach you anew somatic exercise that is so
, so, so powerful.
That will be in this week'sThursday episode.
So make sure you are movingyour body, you are vocalizing,
you are doing IFS, you are beingseen, you are expressing, you
(13:22):
are going to the depths of youremotions.
You are ideally takinghomeopathic remedies because
they will expand your capacityand shore up your energy gaps
while you are having to sharespace with someone that doesn't
feel safe to you.
Right?
Never seen anything move fasterthan a combination of IFS,
homeopathy and somatics, reallyto help people expand their
capacity so that they can beready to leave right.
(13:43):
So this is the direction I wantyou to be looking is how can
you take better care of yourselfso you're not modeling or
normalizing dysfunction orself-abandonment?
Okay?
Third thing we already startedto unpack I blended our three
things together the somatic tollof staying too long.
Right, when you stay too longand you're not doing the
(14:04):
somatics, what does that end uplooking like?
Okay, every time you feel likeyou have to swallow something
because you are hanging out withyour soon-to-be ex or because
you're sharing space with them,right, we know that that turns
into hip tightness, tmj, itturns into UTIs, yeast
infections, it turns into lowlibido, constipation, like you
(14:26):
name it.
Right, we start to see thesephysical symptoms expressed in
the body.
And so when you have nervoussystem backlog right, you have
so much shit you have notexpressed or processed, because
every time you override yourtruth, your body stores the
receipts.
Right, we have to make sure thatwe are really looking at
(14:48):
expressing that truth, not withhim, because that's not
productive, right, because it'slike running into a wall.
How many times do we want to dothat?
Because that hurts, right, butthe alternative isn't just to
suppress it.
We have to look at where we canvalidate our own truth in a
nuanced and contextualized wayso that we are not shutting down
(15:09):
or bypassing, right, while youare living with him.
So that means things like yoga,humming music, you know,
singing those songs at the topof your lungs.
It means all those things thatI said before about IFS and
homeopathy and all this stuff.
Right, it means really claimingthat while you're in a phase of
(15:32):
staying does not mean you're ina phase of numbing or
suppressing or zipping it up orpushing it down.
Those two things cannot coexist, because you will end up
leaving with not enough healthresource right, where we said,
like you need enough resourcesin order to leave.
Financial health, sleep,childcare.
You need enough of all of thoseresources and if you suppress
(15:53):
while you're there, you aregoing to end up coming from
behind with regards to health asa resource.
You will have this nervoussystem backlog and, as women,
because the way we live in amodern society is chronically
taxing to our adrenals.
Ps, our adrenals sit right nextto our kidneys, which is what
(16:14):
leads if you've ever had issueswhere you pee a lot in the night
or when you get stressed youpee extra, or chronic UTIs or
these types of things right,kidneys are directly tied to
boundaries and adrenals.
Okay.
So when we have adrenal fatiguebecause, as women, we are
working, we are mothering, weare maybe mothering our soon to
be exes you know like it's it's,we have too much on us, we're
(16:36):
not living in the rhythm of ourcycles, we're not living in the
rhythm of our femininity, we'reliving in a hustle culture as
women, and so then our adrenalsget very, very taxed and
fatigued, which then takes akidney hit right.
So now we're not filtering ourblood effectively.
And then when we hit thingslike menopause, menopause is
coming too soon, where all of asudden perimenopause is
(16:58):
happening in our early 40s,which should not be a thing, but
it's because the adrenals weremeant to be the buffer for women
approaching menopause.
But our adrenals are shot, sowe're falling into menopause
early.
We're needing bioidenticalhormone replacement therapy All
because, right, our nervoussystems are so taxed because we
have been suppressing our truthsfor so long.
(17:19):
It is all interconnected love,and we're going to do an episode
on this sooner than later.
But mental health is hormonehealth and we have solutions for
all of that over here.
So it's really, really exciting.
We have new solutions wehaven't talked about yet for
hormone health and overalladrenal support and mental
health.
So there is a somatic toll forstaying too long if you are not
(17:42):
using these tools.
So there has to be thisunderstanding that if you're
going to stay, which is very,very often the right choice for
a period of time it's with thiscaveat that you are going to use
these somatic techniques sothat you are reclaiming your
truth on an hour by hour basis.
So make sure you check outThursday's premium episode for
this somatic tool that we havenot talked about before.
(18:03):
It's very, very exciting andsomething you can absolutely do
from the safety of your bedroom.
I want to do a listener shoutout to Anne Hyowdy.
Thank you so much for being apremium subscriber.
I would absolutely love for youto send me a DM in Instagram.
My handle is at Dawn Wiggins.
You have the most beautifulname and I would love to know
(18:25):
more about your story and thepath that you're walking.
Name and I would love to knowmore about your story and the
path that you're walking.
So if you are listening to thisepisode, shoot me a DM and wave
hello to me and producer Joy,sending you so much love.
Dear Divorce Diary is a podcastby MyCoachDawn.
(18:48):
You can find more atMycoachdawncom.
You already know it's over.
The clarity is there, but theaction is a different story.
You're not staying becauseyou're weak.
You're staying because the pathforward feels a little
impossible right now.
For some reason.
It's unsafe or it might hurtyour kids more than it helps.
So this episode is yourpermission slip to stop asking
(00:21):
why am I still here and startasking what do I need to feel
safe enough to leave or to staywithout abandoning myself?
Hi love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
(00:44):
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
(01:12):
When we were planning thisepisode, we really were talking
about all the nuanced ways inwhich.
Should I stay or should I go isnot the best inquiry.
Love, because it's not likelife is not that clear cut,
right.
So in today's episode we aregoing to talk about how should I
stay or should I go is thewrong question for where you are
in the divorce explorationprocess.
We are also going to talk aboutthe very many reasons that
(01:37):
people stay for the kids, andwe're going to look at the costs
and the benefits of thosethings and help you cope with it
in the meantime, right.
And then we are going to lookat the ways in which your body
is storing what you can'texpress when you are in a very
real reality of needing to stay,and how to work through those
things while you're in thestaying phase.
Let's dig in.
(01:58):
Okay, should I stay or should Igo?
Screw that question, throw itout.
So, in the context of all thetools we use here on the podcast
, I want you to ask a newquestion and it's an IFS
question, right which is whichparts of me are asking to stay
(02:22):
and which parts of me are readyto go.
Now, very often, when we freezeor we get stuck in indecision or
internal conflict is because wehave parts that want to go one
direction and parts that want togo the other, and then we are
literally in internal conflictwhere we then shut down or
freeze from a nervous systemstandpoint.
And so when we start to get intouch with which parts of me are
(02:46):
saying it's not time to go yet.
I don't feel safe to go yet,whether that's from a legal
perspective, from a financialperspective, from a physical,
mental or emotional healthperspective, from the capacity
of I don't have enough resourcefor my children yet, like,
whatever the reason is whichparts of me are identifying.
Actually, it's on some level,in some way a safety issue for
(03:08):
me to leave right now.
But then you have parts who mayfeel completely unsafe staying,
and that's a funny thing Funnyis not the right word there,
right when some of your partsdon't feel safe going and some
of your parts don't feel safestaying, and that's what causes
this sort of complete freeze orcollapse experience.
And so really getting clear onthose parts because once you get
(03:29):
clear on those parts, then wecan start to give those parts
what they need in order tomobilize or to feel like they
can get their needs met or takeaction or feel safer or whatever
right.
We can get you unstuck andmoving forward.
So staying does not mean you'rebroken.
It means that there is aprotector part that is still in
charge, that is calling theshots, that is saying, nope, we
(03:51):
do not have the necessaryresources in place in order for
this to be a safer, healthydecision to move on.
So hello, protector parts,welcome to the chat.
Thank you for keeping us allsafe in the way that you do and
talk to us about what you need,right?
Okay, there is some journalingthat you could do here.
(04:12):
That would be very, very, verybeneficial, right, and it's this
idea of and I'll put these inthe show notes but what part of
me is afraid to leave and whatis it afraid?
What is that part of me afraidwill happen if I leave?
Now, you probably need to askthis question a number of times,
because there's more than onething, right, and then, what
(04:35):
part of me is afraid to stay andwhat is that part afraid will
happen if I stay?
And so, once we start to getclarity on these issues, then we
have sort of a roadmap forwardfor how to start meeting those
needs a little bit at a time andcoping with the messy middle.
When it's not, you're not thereyet, right, you're just not
(04:56):
there yet.
Anytime we're putting thingsinto a binary context like stay
or go, for instance, cookie orno cookie, should I eat the
cookie or should I not eat thecookie we end up typically
feeling like we're in a no-winsituation.
Somebody gets disappointedinside of us, right?
Like either I'm withholdingfrom myself or I feel trapped or
(05:18):
shame about the decision that Imake, because half of me is
disappointed in the choice andhalf of me is relieved.
So really reframing thisquestion, moving it out of the
binary space, moves it into aplace of gray where we can
really tease it apart andmeaningfully address, identify
and address our nuanced needs.
(05:39):
And that is a beautifulconversation where we can
support ourselves in so manybetter ways, right, more
enhanced ways.
So this is a fantasticjournaling activity to do to
help you get more clarity andmore safety and to help just
feel more peaceful inside right,to stop being so hard on
(06:01):
yourself, stop beating yourselfup so much and to feel like
there's something you can do,because I think so much of this
phase feels like you're helpless, hopeless and stuck.
And the more you do this typeof journaling, the more clarity
you will have on steps you cantake, and I think that often in
and of itself provides boatloadsof relief.
All right, let's take a look atwhen we savor the kids, how that
(06:26):
tends to lead to abandoningself.
But there is a solution.
There's always a solution.
Right.
It does again.
Anytime things feel binary,we're missing something.
Right.
There is a perspective that'smissing because there's almost
always infinite options rightthat we're just not aware of,
and so when things become verybinary or black and white, we're
missing pieces.
So there are a lot of very, veryvalid reasons to stay for the
(06:50):
kids, and I actually, spicy takeright have heard way too many
Instagram accounts in the courseof my career say that we
shouldn't stay for the kidsbecause we should leave and
model for them, fighting forwhat's right and setting
boundaries and all of thosethings.
And while that is true for somewomen and some families and
some children, sometimes thereare limiting factors for
(07:13):
whatever period of time, andit's not the best choice to
leave because of whatever thecircumstances are.
So that could have to do withmessy custody battles, financial
instability, health instability, that you're just not in a
place financially or from aresource perspective, and
resources can be a lot of thingsResources having enough sleep
(07:36):
on a regular basis.
Resources having enough money,resources having enough health.
Resources having enough supportsystem you know like people to
pick your kids up from schooland this or that right.
Resources in a lot of differentformats.
And so your fears about havingto parallel parent or time share
, your fears about finances,your fears about having enough
(08:00):
community support.
Those are real and they needsolutions.
And there are times that we'relike, screw it.
Those are real and they needsolutions.
And there are times that we'relike, screw it, I'll leap and
the net will appear right, andthere are times that you're not
there yet, and we need to reallybe able to identify the
difference between those things.
However, when we stay and we'redoing it because we don't have
(08:20):
enough resource yet right weneed to really take a look at
the ways in which we might beshowing our kids
self-abandonment or normalizingdysfunction, and I think there
is a middle ground there wherewe can do better at taking care
of ourselves.
We can do better at breakingdysfunctional patterns or habits
, even though we're in the phaseof staying for a period of time
right.
(08:41):
So it's not.
Let's stop calling it stayingfor the kids right, because all
of the TikTokers and theInstagrammers that are saying
stop staying for the kids.
Your kids deserve to see ahealthy, loving relationship,
right.
That's oversimplifying thecomplexity of these issues, so
we're going to call it from hereon out.
We're going to call it stayinguntil you have enough resources
(09:03):
and self-belief that you areready for a life that's safe and
yours Resources and self-belief, and self-belief PS is a
resource in and of itself, right.
And so when we leap and wedon't have enough belief yet,
things can really disintegrate,and so belief is part of that
readiness process that I can dothis and I believe in myself
(09:25):
enough to take this leap, andthen I will be okay.
Right, so self-belief is itsown resource.
You're not staying for the kids, you're staying until you have
enough resource and you believethat you are ready for a life
that's safe and yours Okay.
So what does it look like inthis phase of staying and this
(09:46):
could be a journal prompt, right?
What would it look like in thisphase of staying to choose to
stay without disappearing?
How can you choose to staywithout disappearing?
So I think, very often whathappens is we end up having to
(10:08):
build energetic walls aroundourselves when we're staying
right, because we're in anenvironment, we're sharing
energy with someone that itdoesn't feel safe to be sharing
energy with, and so then we endup shutting down to a certain
extent to try to cope or survive, and that does become
disappearing andself-abandonment, and so we need
to look at all the ways inwhich you can still feel and
(10:31):
process and ground and expressand receive from your support
systems without disappearing.
That's really where we look atmaking sure you're talking about
these things in a productiveway, not in a venting way
necessarily.
What's the difference betweenproductive and venting?
(10:52):
Productive is in a way whereyou are feeling the depth of
your feelings in an effort tolet them come, so you can let
them go right.
Sharing in a way that's helpingyou process emotionally, which
means I don't see a lot of womendoing this, because when
they're talking to their friends, they're stuffing their
emotions and they're sharing thestory, because women who are
really feeling the depth of whatthey're feeling if I'm calling
(11:15):
you out right now, love, let mehold your hand while I do it so
often I watch the women I love,the clients I work with even try
to cry faster or less to not bea burden to the woman that
they're sharing with.
So how many times in your lifedo you catch yourself trying to
cry faster, meaning get it allout in a hurry, or cry less and
(11:38):
pack it back up quickly, or notcry at all because you don't
want to be a burden or be toomuch or too intense, or you
don't even you don't want tofeel, right.
There's something you don'twant to feel, and so when you're
sharing with your supportsystems in a productive way, it
is to feel the depths of whatthere is, to feel so that you
can let it come, so you can letit go.
(11:58):
When you are retelling storiesabout what your soon-to-be ex is
doing from a place of venting,you are not processing, you are
reinforcing, right?
So if you're staying right now,please, please, please, be
emotionally processing andpurging what's going on, be in
(12:19):
good, good, good therapy orcoaching, be doing IFS work and
be doing so much somatic work.
So in the summer, I think it'seasier to do somatics because we
just tend to be more physicaland we tend to be moving around
and going outside and doing allthe things and sweating and all
the stuff, versus in the winter,where we're just a little more
(12:40):
still and maybe a little moreisolated.
So just keep in mind, right,whatever season of the year you
might be listening to this, makesure you are moving your body
to get the stagnant energy andsuppressed emotion out.
Now in this week's Thursdaypremium episode if you're a
premium subscriber we're goingto talk about a somatic exercise
I have never talked about onthe podcast before.
(13:01):
That is essential for women whohave stuck anger, rage, shame
stuck in their body.
Right, I'm going to teach you anew somatic exercise that is so
, so, so powerful.
That will be in this week'sThursday episode.
So make sure you are movingyour body, you are vocalizing,
you are doing IFS, you are beingseen, you are expressing, you
(13:22):
are going to the depths of youremotions.
You are ideally takinghomeopathic remedies because
they will expand your capacityand shore up your energy gaps
while you are having to sharespace with someone that doesn't
feel safe to you.
Right?
Never seen anything move fasterthan a combination of IFS,
homeopathy and somatics, reallyto help people expand their
capacity so that they can beready to leave right.
(13:43):
So this is the direction I wantyou to be looking is how can
you take better care of yourselfso you're not modeling or
normalizing dysfunction orself-abandonment?
Okay?
Third thing we already startedto unpack I blended our three
things together the somatic tollof staying too long.
Right, when you stay too longand you're not doing the
(14:04):
somatics, what does that end uplooking like?
Okay, every time you feel likeyou have to swallow something
because you are hanging out withyour soon-to-be ex or because
you're sharing space with them,right, we know that that turns
into hip tightness, tmj, itturns into UTIs, yeast
infections, it turns into lowlibido, constipation, like you
(14:26):
name it.
Right, we start to see thesephysical symptoms expressed in
the body.
And so when you have nervoussystem backlog right, you have
so much shit you have notexpressed or processed, because
every time you override yourtruth, your body stores the
receipts.
Right, we have to make sure thatwe are really looking at
(14:48):
expressing that truth, not withhim, because that's not
productive, right, because it'slike running into a wall.
How many times do we want to dothat?
Because that hurts, right, butthe alternative isn't just to
suppress it.
We have to look at where we canvalidate our own truth in a
nuanced and contextualized wayso that we are not shutting down
(15:09):
or bypassing, right, while youare living with him.
So that means things like yoga,humming music, you know,
singing those songs at the topof your lungs.
It means all those things thatI said before about IFS and
homeopathy and all this stuff.
Right, it means really claimingthat while you're in a phase of
(15:32):
staying does not mean you're ina phase of numbing or
suppressing or zipping it up orpushing it down.
Those two things cannot coexist, because you will end up
leaving with not enough healthresource right, where we said,
like you need enough resourcesin order to leave.
Financial health, sleep,childcare.
You need enough of all of thoseresources and if you suppress
(15:53):
while you're there, you aregoing to end up coming from
behind with regards to health asa resource.
You will have this nervoussystem backlog and, as women,
because the way we live in amodern society is chronically
taxing to our adrenals.
Ps, our adrenals sit right nextto our kidneys, which is what
(16:14):
leads if you've ever had issueswhere you pee a lot in the night
or when you get stressed youpee extra, or chronic UTIs or
these types of things right,kidneys are directly tied to
boundaries and adrenals.
Okay.
So when we have adrenal fatiguebecause, as women, we are
working, we are mothering, weare maybe mothering our soon to
be exes you know like it's it's,we have too much on us, we're
(16:36):
not living in the rhythm of ourcycles, we're not living in the
rhythm of our femininity, we'reliving in a hustle culture as
women, and so then our adrenalsget very, very taxed and
fatigued, which then takes akidney hit right.
So now we're not filtering ourblood effectively.
And then when we hit thingslike menopause, menopause is
coming too soon, where all of asudden perimenopause is
(16:58):
happening in our early 40s,which should not be a thing, but
it's because the adrenals weremeant to be the buffer for women
approaching menopause.
But our adrenals are shot, sowe're falling into menopause
early.
We're needing bioidenticalhormone replacement therapy All
because, right, our nervoussystems are so taxed because we
have been suppressing our truthsfor so long.
(17:19):
It is all interconnected love,and we're going to do an episode
on this sooner than later.
But mental health is hormonehealth and we have solutions for
all of that over here.
So it's really, really exciting.
We have new solutions wehaven't talked about yet for
hormone health and overalladrenal support and mental
health.
So there is a somatic toll forstaying too long if you are not
(17:42):
using these tools.
So there has to be thisunderstanding that if you're
going to stay, which is very,very often the right choice for
a period of time it's with thiscaveat that you are going to use
these somatic techniques sothat you are reclaiming your
truth on an hour by hour basis.
So make sure you check outThursday's premium episode for
this somatic tool that we havenot talked about before.
(18:03):
It's very, very exciting andsomething you can absolutely do
from the safety of your bedroom.
I want to do a listener shoutout to Anne Hyowdy.
Thank you so much for being apremium subscriber.
I would absolutely love for youto send me a DM in Instagram.
My handle is at Dawn Wiggins.
You have the most beautifulname and I would love to know
(18:25):
more about your story and thepath that you're walking.
Name and I would love to knowmore about your story and the
path that you're walking.
So if you are listening to thisepisode, shoot me a DM and wave
hello to me and producer Joy,sending you so much love.
Dear Divorce Diary is a podcastby MyCoachDawn.
(18:48):
You can find more atMycoachdawncom.
Popular Podcasts
Stuff You Should Know
If you've ever wanted to know about champagne, satanism, the Stonewall Uprising, chaos theory, LSD, El Nino, true crime and Rosa Parks, then look no further. Josh and Chuck have you covered.
Dateline NBC
Current and classic episodes, featuring compelling true-crime mysteries, powerful documentaries and in-depth investigations. Special Summer Offer: Exclusively on Apple Podcasts, try our Dateline Premium subscription completely free for one month! With Dateline Premium, you get every episode ad-free plus exclusive bonus content.
On Purpose with Jay Shetty
I’m Jay Shetty host of On Purpose the worlds #1 Mental Health podcast and I’m so grateful you found us. I started this podcast 5 years ago to invite you into conversations and workshops that are designed to help make you happier, healthier and more healed. I believe that when you (yes you) feel seen, heard and understood you’re able to deal with relationship struggles, work challenges and life’s ups and downs with more ease and grace. I interview experts, celebrities, thought leaders and athletes so that we can grow our mindset, build better habits and uncover a side of them we’ve never seen before. New episodes every Monday and Friday. Your support means the world to me and I don’t take it for granted — click the follow button and leave a review to help us spread the love with On Purpose. I can’t wait for you to listen to your first or 500th episode!