August 12, 2025 • 42 mins
Dating after divorce can bring unexpected deal breakers—like herpes. But the real question isn’t the diagnosis, it’s the meaning we give it.
You’ll Learn
- How shame around sexual health impacts dating confidence.
- Why honesty about deal breakers builds deeper intimacy.
- What really matters when seeking love after divorce.
💎 Want dating to feel safe again? Join A Different D Word
and rebuild the confidence to love without fear.
Conversations about herpes, sexual health, and deal breakers are uncomfortable—but they matter. Divorce offers a chance to reset how you approach love, honesty, and self-worth. In this episode, I share why sexual shame holds women back, how to navigate hard conversations with potential partners, and what truly determines whether a relationship thrives.
Dating after divorce requires confidence, honesty, and self-acceptance.
For more of Laurie's dating resources, check out her FREE webinar:
"3 Secrets to Finding and Maintaining Healthy Love without Repeated Disappointments"
Learn:
✅The biggest mistake women make that prevents them from finding their happily ever after
✅The 3 Essential Ingredients to finding a suitable companion for long-term commitment
✅Why you need to implement the 3-date strategy to find your soulmate in WAY less dates.
Instagram: (@dawnwiggins)
On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
Post Divorce Road Map : 21 Days of Journaling
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:05):
Hi love.
Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary,the podcast helping divorcees go
beyond talk therapy to processyour grief, find the healing you
crave and build back yourconfidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
(00:25):
confidence after divorce.
Ladies, today we have with us aguest who needs no introduction
because you have already mether and fallen in love with her
the illustrious Lori Gerber.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Welcome.
Oh hello darling, hello, thankyou, thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Can you even remember a time that we were not
soulmates?
I mean, I know it's been solong.
You know how dating coachestell you not to go too fast.
We didn't follow any of therules in the friendship.
This friendship, we didn't.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
We just we broke all the rules.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
We did.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
We broke all the rules.
It's weird.
It's like the exception provesthe rule, though I'm not willing
to give up the rules.
Dom, I'm not willing to givethem up, but it does feel like I
found the one, yay, which ishead, heart and hoo-ha, we make
sense of practice.
The three H's.
It feels good and it turns meon All the three H's.
(01:22):
So I do think we followed thatrule which is my most important
rule.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
Oh, that's what we want everybody to hear.
Right, we followed that rule,yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
And I actually am okay going fast if the head,
heart and hoo-ha are all happy.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Cool, good to know.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Good to know, yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
So when we wrapped recording our last episode where
you taught us about the 3-Hmethod and we talked about
dating right Since then, right,we practically got friend
married and so we see each otherweekly because of things, right
and we decided we needed torecord a follow-up episode to
talk about deal breakers right,like to talk about just things
(02:01):
that we really should bediscussing more, I think, up
front and in the datingexperience we stumbled across
needing to discuss herpes aspart of that.
So this episode, right, we'regoing to discuss deal breakers
and dating.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Yeah, I think one of the reasons I found you,
spiritually speaking, is that Ican't break down every single
obstacle a woman has tobelieving in love and feeling
ready for love and enjoyingdating by myself, and sometimes
I need other experts and I justneed other people who are savvy.
(02:37):
So a large percentage of peopleI've coached over the years deal
with STIs and I am amazed bythe level of shame we still have
here in the modern era about it.
And I am amazed about how manywomen fully take themselves off
the market because of it.
I mean not just shame, not justembarrassment, not just
(02:59):
confusion, not just shyness, notjust, but truly give up on love
because of it.
And so when you and I startedtalking about some things you
know about that topic, I mylittle ears perked up and I
thought, wow, if there'ssomething we can do about the
fact of it, that's a whole lot,cause I work on the mindset and
how to disclose and all the.
You know all the emotional andtechnical and logistical parts.
(03:22):
But I feel like you have someinsights into something another
approach, a whole differentapproach.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Yeah, so the flow of this chitty chat might be a
little different, right, becausewe're going to tackle some of
these topics together.
Right, we're going to clap,yeah, okay.
So from your experience, isthere such a thing as too early
to talk about and bring up STIsor herpes or whatever in a
budding relationship?
Speaker 2 (03:50):
There is too early, I think, okay.
I think it's a very I believein transparency.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
I believe that you're being.
You do yes.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
I do, I walk, my talk you know this.
I'm constantly telling everyonewhat I think and feel, so I
believe in transparency, but Ibelieve in timing, and I don't
equate transparency with telleverybody every single thing you
think either or every singlething.
It's kind of like the importantthings not everything.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
No, it's about integrity.
Right, Integrity yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
Yeah, because, again, most of what we think is
garbage.
Honestly, many of the thoughtswe have deserve to be dismissed
and tossed, but some things wethink over and over again and
some things are just truths thatpeople have the right to know.
And, in regards to dating, Ibelieve everyone has about seven
what I call liabilities orthings that could be problematic
in a relationship that need tobe disclosed.
(04:44):
But when you disclose them hasto do with trust, rapport and
the likelihood that this is yourperson.
You don't need to be disclosingjust for the fun of it or for
the morality of it.
I'm teaching you.
You have to expose it to see ifyou're a match, and so the
timing depends on howcomfortable and how much trust
you've built.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Now this entire conversation we're having
presumes that our listeners arefollowing the 3-H method.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
Let's not assume that .
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Let's not assume that .
But that's the recommendationright, which reminds the ladies
what the 3-H method is.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
So the 3-H method has a lot of components, but I
think let's summarize and saypoint number one you're
listening to the needs of yourhead, your heart and your hoo-ha
.
Those are the 3-Hs your head,what's practical?
Your heart, how does it feel?
And your hoo-ha, what turns youon, what are you attracted to?
So you're vetting connectionswith potential mates based on
those three criteria, eachgetting its own equal vote, not
(05:43):
sharing the vote.
And then you understand they'redoing the same, whether they're
conscious of it or not, they'redoing the same.
So, and then I give you onlythree dates to figure out if you
really are a match.
If you're looking for your lastlove of your life, if you're
looking for casual, you can dowhat you want.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
But, for instance, right If you're not at an eight
out of 10 in all three of thosezones, like you wouldn't put
yourself through the pain ofhaving a conversation about an
STI or whatever like you justright Like so it's like first
things first, second thingssecond.
Yeah, correct, correct, becauseit is painful.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
It is.
It's scary, it's embarrassingand nobody, it's nobody's
business, unless you're thinkingof having sex with them and and
so yeah, so there is a too late.
I don't, I don't think there'sa too late, and the too late is
after you've already had sex.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
But candidly, I had herpes.
When my husband and I gottogether and it was one of the
scariest things I ever did in myentire life.
To tell him and I know thatsome of that is directly
correlated to I had still somuch healing work to do then,
right, I had done a lot, butthere was still so much more, so
I still had insecure attachmentstyle, I still had self-esteem
(06:53):
work to do, and so telling himdid feel like I was collapsing
into shame, right, and it wasphysiologically so deeply
distressing.
Yeah, and that was real.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
How did he take it?
Speaker 1 (07:06):
He didn't care.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
This is what I love about the herpes conversation
you really find out if they likeyou he was like great, can we
go again?
Yeah, like 50% you find out theyhave it too.
And then the other 50% you findout if they really like you or
not, which is why it's good todo it by day two or three,
because if they think you're hotand they want to have sex with
you and they feel comfortablewith you and your dreams
(07:29):
intertwine well and your liveswould work out and they like you
, they feel enchanted by you.
Herpes isn't going to be whatmesses it up, unless they have
OCD or some trauma around thatparticular thing in which case
it could mess it up with aperson, but then that's not your
person and that's okay.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Yeah, there's a quote which you're more likely to
know than I am, but about, like,what's meant for you cannot be
kept from you, right?
That sort of idea that?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
my version of that is a quote from Lauren Handel
Zander, my mentor and teacher ofthe Handel method you can't
fuck it up with the one and forthe children, you can't mess it
up with the one.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Yeah, you can't mess it up with the one.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
So if your disclosure messes it up.
They weren't your one.
They weren't your one and youreally want to get rid of them
sooner than later, before youget attached, before you invest
before you take it personally,because it's not personal.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Yeah, okay.
What is the difference betweena red flag, a deal breaker and a
trigger when you're datingpost-divorce right?
And this is like such a goodquestion and we may have to sit
with it for a bit right.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
It's complicated, Three things to hold it to think
that.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
But it's so good and I think that these are the kinds
of conversations we need to behaving with women, because we
teach them about red flags, weteach them about deal breakers,
we teach them about triggers,but how do you sort them out
when you're in it and you'refeeling feelings and you're
whatever, disassociating or Idon't know right?
Speaker 2 (09:10):
How do you do it when you're disassociated?
Yes, exactly, feel your feet onthe ground first of all.
Okay, so I think it's easiestto start with just saying the
difference between red flags anddeal breakers.
I want you to look for redflags.
I think red flags are anotherway of saying liabilities, and I
put liabilities in quotes,which means a habit, a health
condition, a living situation, arelationship that's not yet
resolved, a personality trait.
It's like the things andeverybody has them, I estimate
(09:32):
about seven that come up in arelationship that are like is
that gonna work?
And I think you want to lookfor those.
Okay, and if it's your person,you don't mind those, or you can
work with them.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
You can work with them or you want to work with
them, yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Yeah, yeah, so you're not looking for someone who
doesn't have any red flags.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
I would like everyone to know that my husband and I
have the same fight over andover, and, over, and over and
over again, and while it getsmaybe the tiniest bit better
each time we have it, it's likeokay.
I know, I just know we're goingto have this fight next month
(10:11):
and the month after that it's ona monthly cycle.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
That's interesting.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
It often correlates to when I've been taking a new
homeopathic remedy and I nolonger feel like suppressing my
frustration about the thing, andthen I blurt it out, and then
we have the conversation, andthen we move on.
Great.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
So yeah, so red flags are nothing to be afraid of.
They're something to payattention to and sort out, but
then a red flag can quickly turninto a deal breaker if it
really is and that can be athing like that thing is too
triggering for you.
Like an alcoholic that's not inrecovery is a deal breaker.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Okay, but can we talk about the difference?
Because I tend to think thereare not a lot of deal breakers.
Agreed, okay.
So I tend to think there's nota lot of deal breakers, and a
deal breaker is actually, for me, is something in the realm of
this person isn't willing towork on it or something Right,
right, so an active alcoholicisn't willing to work on really
(11:10):
anything other than right,because everything comes second
to their addiction, right.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
So and that goes for any addiction that someone's not
in recovery and you?
Yeah, and you probably think,oh well, just give me the, give
me the deal breaker and I'll fixit with a remedy.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
Addiction is one of the hardest things, too, right,
because it does take such anenormous amount of internal
motivation.
It really does.
Remedies are no remedies, right, yeah, it takes an enormous
amount of internal motivationand commitment.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
I'm just suggesting that part of why you think there
are so few deal breakers isbecause you can fix everything
with a remedy because you canfix everything, which is this is
why I want to partner with you,because I want there to be so
few deal breakers and I and Ifind over and over again that
things that people think aredeal breakers are not deal
breakers.
They're liabilities you have towork with.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
Or triggers the third thing.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
Or triggers, so I wanted to live in New York City.
That would have been a dealbreaker for someone who hates
New York City, but it justwasn't for my husband.
So a deal breaker is totallysubjective and can change and
not be a deal breaker.
But the kinds of deal breakersI sort of accept when my client
and I would love to hear if youwould agree with this.
(12:22):
But if someone says it's a deallike an addiction, an untreated
addiction is a deal breaker orrage is a deal breaker.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
Right violence.
Violence is a deal breaker, ordoesn't want to be monogamous,
or doesn't want to be poly, youknow, whatever your thing is,
yeah, misalignment of Doesn'twant to live where I want to
live.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
Smoking is often a deal breaker for people like
cigarettes, but that's addictionor drug use.
Yeah, so I do.
Where your dreams are taking,you are two separate and
mutually exclusive.
I think that's a fair dealbreaker.
I also think potentiallydifferences in libido could be a
(13:03):
deal breaker.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Although I of course believe you can work on that.
Did you hear my heavy?
Speaker 2 (13:05):
breath.
I did.
I know you don't agree withthis, but no, it's not that I
don't agree with it.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
It's.
I think it's so hard.
I have a lot to say about it.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
That's what it is.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
It's not that I don't agree, but I have a lot to say.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Can I give you a real life example?
And you know, because again Ikeep wanting to go like maybe
she's got a cure for that.
Like I, I break couples upright.
Like I.
I'm in the midst of breaking.
I'm in the midst of breakingthree different couples up, so I
want to really hear what youhave to say about these
incompatibilities and dealbreakers.
Okay, so one couple the dealbreaker is oh, I think if you
(13:39):
can't forgive them for cheating,I think that's a deal breaker.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
I think that's a reason In a past relationship.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
No in the current relationship.
So I'm talking aboutrelationships of people who are
dating for a while now.
So one incompatibility is thisone wants to be this kind of
poly and this one doesn't wantto be that.
This one wants to be adifferent kind of poly.
So she needs more reassurance,he wants more freedom.
To me I'm like go Like, don'ttry to.
(14:07):
Don't try to change yourselves.
If you want a primary person andyou only want to bring in a
third with the both of you, andyou want to be able to flirt
with whoever, whenever, and getphone numbers.
That's not coming.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
That's not.
Yeah, no, I don't think that'sa deal breaker right Now.
I think the underpinnings of Ithink those are complex cases.
Remedies can right, like EMDR,ifs remedies can improve all
those things.
And I have my grad school wife.
She read all the homework andthen we discuss it in the car
(14:42):
and then I'd know the answers tothe exams.
Anyways, she's Polly and she'sbeen right.
We've been working on somethings homeopathically and she's
a therapist and she's a massagetherapist, so she knows all the
things right.
So she has worked to improve,to have a more secure attachment
style and further refine anddefine how she wants to have her
(15:02):
love life look yes, yes, butall right, can I give you the
second one?
Speaker 2 (15:06):
Yep, so this couple broke up because he is very type
A, he likes to design his life,he likes coaching, he likes
yeah, he just is like a moverand a shaker and she's kind of
not joining him there right andshe's she's sort of more aimless
(15:27):
, doesn't quite follow up onthings, like didn't write a
birthday card, you know justlike not beautiful.
Sex is great, beautiful um love, very strong love, but in the
head area they're just not.
They're nowhere like on thesame wavelength or the same
plane.
Yeah, and he tried for a longtime to bring her along.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Yeah, probably he needs to downshift a notch and
she probably needs to upshift anotch right.
Super interesting.
Go to where in your childhooddid these patterns become
established and how did youattract this person in the first
place?
Because I really believe from avibrational place that we call
like, calls to like.
So in what way are those twopeople mirrors for each other?
(16:12):
In what ways are they bothusing their particular
approaches to avoid feelingsomething or addressing
something or tackling something?
I'm always looking for what isthe subconscious pattern here?
Because that relationship, youcan end a relationship and this
is why I think there aren't thatmany deal breakers and you are
going to attract the samepattern in a different container
, and it's just so often thecase.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
So do you fight for a relationship, no matter what?
Speaker 1 (16:42):
No, but I think that life is going to life no matter
what, and I think that to reallybe in a monogamous relationship
for an extended period of time,you have to be prepared for
whatever life is going to throwat you.
And that's going to mean manyiterations of a self of beliefs.
Right, our beliefs should beevolving over time.
Our interests should beevolving over time.
Our sense of self and ourrelationship to the beliefs
(17:04):
should be evolving over time.
Our interests should beevolving over time.
Our sense of self and ourrelationship to the world should
be evolving over time.
And so how can we be in arelationship with a person and
expect that person to stay thesame or to know how they're
going to react to when thisperson dies or that person
breaks?
I think some of the mostimportant things we can have are
transparency, a willingness towork on it together, humility,
(17:25):
vulnerability you know what Imean.
It's more like character traitsthat I think are more important,
because I think very few thingsare deal breakers unless we
have unhealed wounds, becausethen it really triggers very
often and we can't get out ofour own way, right.
And then I think that I am promarriage and the reason I'm pro
marriage and it's so interestingbecause we're on a divorce
(17:46):
podcast but I started as amarriage therapist and then got
divorced.
So the reason I'm pro marriageis because I know that most
people, if they just did thatwork, a lot of things would
smooth out right and theywouldn't repeat the patterns.
And so I think that it'sshort-sighted to think that
divorce is a solution.
I think divorce actuallyintroduces an additional problem
(18:09):
and if you haven't solved, like, the actual problems, then
you're not really sure whetheror not you're eligible for
divorce, right?
So I just think a lot of peoplehaven't done enough footwork to
determine their divorceeligibility Right, right.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
So I'm going to say, to summarize, the deal breakers
you and I agree on aretransparency, willingness to
work on stuff, self-reflection,willing to do your own inner
work, and I would add to that,you know, dreams that don't
mutually exclude each other.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Yeah, I see people have deal breakers, like around
time spent meaning and I haveseen some people navigate this
beautifully but like, let's say,somebody who's already
semi-retired and somebody elseis still working that kind of
thing, right, and their work istheir purpose and their passion
and whatever, and it's like, no,I'm not going to give you, you
know, an unending round of time.
Or like kids, right, Like youngkids that still require a lot
(19:07):
of you know just life right,Attending to them.
And maybe this other personwants to travel.
So you know what I mean.
Like there are certain things,a stage of life issues, maybe
that can be deal breakers.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just real incompatibilityaround the practicalities and
issues, which is a little bitwhat I'm saying in the second
example, which is like he wantsto be traveling the world and
doing things that she literallycan't content, content, you know
and contend not to so anddoesn't really want him doing it
.
So it's.
It really is mutually exclusiveyeah dreams, visions, aptitudes
(19:38):
okay, I'm not going to give youthe third example, just in the
interest of time.
And talking about triggers,triggers.
Now I'm dealing in early datingand usually, because my
specialty is when you're on thebench, are you gonna date?
You're in the early dating andyou're looking for who you might
want to date and then you're inearly dating figuring out if
they're the one.
So usually we're not triggeringeach other yet at that stage.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Right, I find that's happening more in like right,
which is where we, yeah, wherewe fall in a pothole Cause we,
yeah, we are falling in lovewith a false sense of real life.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
Exactly so.
That's probably when triggersshow up and when you either
deepen into.
We're going to figure this outtogether or you go.
I don't want to deal with thatright Either.
I'm not ready to deal with mine, or I'm not really ready to
deal with yours, and then I'mout, and those are triggers.
I've seen a lot of couples gothrough that when it comes time
(20:31):
for commitment.
In fact, I would say thiscouple the first couple I
mentioned like when it came timefor really commitment like, are
we going to get?
married or not.
It was like no, this is notgoing to, we're not.
We tried, but we're not goingto come closer together.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
And I find that ambivalence is one of the most
toxic things in a relationship.
Right, there is nothing thatwill tank someone's self-esteem
or their self-concept than theirpartner being ambivalent, like
unsure about being with them.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
That's triggering.
I would.
I would call that a trigger.
I would call that a trigger.
And I mean it's so funnybecause when you say trigger,
I'm like I don't even know whatyou mean, because I can't relate
to it personally other thanwhat triggers me in my very
long-term marriage.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
Like he wants to go hang out with his friends and
she panics Like he criticizessomething.
You know what I mean.
Like it's like wounds thattypically go back to our
childhood or our parents, youknow.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
I was going to say my point.
I do understand what triggersmean, but I am having trouble
placing it in an early datingcontext.
For me my triggers are soancient and they're just the
same as they've always been,except now I do them with my
husband.
Yes, if I have to patient if Ihave to patiently wait for the
answer to something.
Oh, you know, that's triggeringto me.
(21:46):
Yes, as it has always been mywhole life with everyone.
If I feel insecure about money,that is triggering to me as it
has been my whole liferegardless of him, so he can
push my buttons, but my buttonswere there, yeah, regardless of
him.
So I don't.
I feel like that's a personalissue, not a dating issue per se
, but obviously it comes up.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
I think so many women settle for not an eight out of
10 in their head, heart andhoo-ha, right.
And then it's like that rightthere clears up the bulk of this
conversation we're having, youknow, because if somebody's not
being honest or transparent orengaged, like there's not going
to be an eight out of 10 scoring, and then it's, and then that's
(22:29):
it.
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Well, the real trick is converting a woman's fear
that being honest andtransparent will drive the man
away, because not only do we notthink it's sexy and awesome, we
actually think it's harmful andbad, and so I'm forever trying
to convince a woman that it'sthe sexiest thing, that if you
can convince a man, you actuallywant to know the truth and tell
the truth if he really believesyou, there will be this
(22:52):
unbelievable ease in therelationship.
If he wants the truth, that'sright.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
So let's talk about that for a moment.
I think there's a lot of thingsthat us women have twisted
right, like, for instance, do wewear makeup and style our hair
in particular ways and dress incertain clothes for men or for
ourselves, right Like?
My husband prefers me inminimal makeup, looking natural,
and you know how many men thatI work with one-on-one and in
(23:20):
couples counseling feel the sameway.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
I do it for women.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
You do it for women.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
Yeah, there's a third option.
What is it For women?
For women, you said you do itfor men, or for yourself, oh for
yourself, for women, right.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
And so it's like are we, as women, really clear about
what men want?
I don't think so that feelslike a whole other episode,
that's all another, like a wholeother episode.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
I think most men's deal breakers are you're not
over your ex uh-huh, don't haveenough attention.
You don't have enough attentionfor me?
Uh-huh, you don't need me.
Value me, respect me, admire meor have room for me.
Too much drama, or you'repressuring me like you don't
care how I think and feel andthen, and then I'm gonna throw
(24:07):
in there not enough sex, becausethat's that's really which I
was just talking about heart.
But that's the one, okay so?
Speaker 1 (24:16):
so you don't think that herpes or any STI is a deal
breaker for most men?
Speaker 2 (24:24):
Good point.
I think it's probably 50-50.
Okay, I think every man who hasherpes and knows they do it's
an advantage, an asset, not aliability.
Speaker 1 (24:39):
Well, and 25% of the 50 don't know.
They have it and they have it.
So 75%.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
Exactly so for men who don't know they have it, I
think it's 50, 50.
Okay, and for men who know theydon't have it, I think it's 50,
50.
So you're dealing with I I'mreally bad at the calculus of
this, but I think 75% of men arefine if everything else is
great.
If everything else is not great, they might use that as the
(25:07):
reason Use that that's it right.
Use that Just like you would.
We are bullshitting constantlyright we go oh, I couldn't do
that because I have this otherthing I have to do, and it's not
true.
It's like you didn't do itbecause you don't want to do it.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
Right, that's right.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
We say I can't do it because Blame shift, blame shift
.
Yeah, it's me, not you.
I'm not ready, whatever.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
I'm not over my.
Can we circle back to thelibido thing again?
That comes up a lot in mypractice and it's becoming a
real pet peeve.
So in my experience, women of acertain age have taken a
profound hit to their libido fora whole host of reasons
Metabolic dysfunction, hormonaldysfunction you know what I mean
(25:55):
Like adrenal fatigue, like somany layers of things that,
quite frankly, the men in theworld have contributed to.
Do you know how many women Italk to who want to make out but
not have to be committed tohave sex?
And men can't handle that andthen they get huffy and right.
So I think for men, this is acall to the men.
I'm just sending out avibrational note to the world of
(26:18):
men.
Men, please do your work to beable to be more flexible around
sex, love, making out libido andall of the things, so that you
can learn to love a woman formore than just how it feels when
your penis is wet.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
Fair.
But I actually think it's fairfor a man to want to have
regular sex and for it to be adeal breaker for him if she
doesn't want to.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
I have concerns because I think that more women
than not are really strugglingon a metabolic, metabolic level,
and I think you're going tostart to reduce the dating pool
to a very small group of women.
Speaker 2 (27:01):
Then, but don't you think that's a call to action,
to self-care?
Speaker 1 (27:06):
Yeah, oh, yes, yeah, well, but again, right, it's
like is she at work on it, right?
So is it a deal breaker thatthe that she has this challenge,
or is it a deal breaker thatshe has this challenge and she's
not addressing it at all?
Speaker 2 (27:21):
Bingo.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
Bingo.
I mean I shut down my sex lifewith my husband, shut it down
completely for a long time andhe justated it I mean, he was
lonely, he was nice yeah so niceand he just and I just, and it
was literally one of the firstthings my life coach said to me
addressed are you trying to getdivorced?
(27:43):
And I was like no, actually I'mnot.
And she's like well, the onlything that differentiates a
friendship from what you havewith your husband is sex.
Speaker 1 (27:53):
So if you're taking, that off the table.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
what are you doing?
And it was such a light bulbmoment for me I was like oh my
God, why?
What is wrong with me?
Like what, and I don't meanthat in a mean way.
I was like why?
First of all, why do I.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
Why didn't it occur to me?
Speaker 2 (28:07):
Why didn't it occur to me?
And the answer is because myparents weren't having sex.
So I thought that was normal,but when I actually broke it
down, it isn't good for meeither it's not good for me to
not want to have sex with my.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
No, it means something's off.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
Yes, it means something is stuffing my face
with potato chips and donuts andhaving a baby suck on my tit
till they're four years old likethat's not good for me.
I loved breastfeeding till four.
Let me just say I loved it.
I would never, I would neverchange that.
But the point is I was bookedand I was booked with food and I
was booked with my kids and Iforsake this man I was not
(28:45):
trying to get rid of in the, inthe area where he expresses love
and receives love and that'svalid, yeah, in the area where
he expresses love and receiveslove, and that's valid.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
Yeah, agreed, agreed.
Speaker 2 (28:55):
You know, and I coach a lot of nice men who just you
know, obviously if you say no,they're not going to make you,
that's the rule they learn RightLike that's what they learn.
But then what do they do withthe fact that they really?
That's how they express love,that's how they feel close,
that's how they want to show youhow much they love you, they
(29:16):
want to give you pleasure.
They want to see you relaxed allof these benefits and as soon
as I was like, oh right, if Igave up the food, I might even
want the physical touch.
I might even want the intimacyand I'd be better off.
Two ways, three ways, right.
I'd feel better in my body andmy health I'd reconnect with my
(29:38):
husband and I'd have the joy ofsex.
And then once I'm like, oh, I'mgonna have sex on principle,
then I figure out how to make itgood because if I'm gonna do it
anyway.
I might as well make it.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
It's like you might as well make it amazing right.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
You might as well find the workout you like, yeah,
so I found the sex I like andthen it's like and and ps.
I still don't care, I stilldon't want to, but the benefits
can we keep tabs on that?
Speaker 1 (30:02):
in your remedy I was gonna say permission to speak
freely.
Like can you?
Speaker 2 (30:06):
like if you're gonna make me horny in addition to
everything else yes, that's theplan, friend, that is the plan.
Please keep me posted soannoying.
Okay, it's fine.
Right, it's fine, you'll haveto work on my time management
first.
But, um, but my point is that Ijust I think it's such an asset
to almost every relationshipand if it forces you to deal
(30:28):
with your childhood trauma, ifthat's it to deal with your
sexual abuse and it forces youto deal with your body shame and
it forces you to deal with yourchildhood trauma.
If that's it, you deal with yoursexual abuse and it forces you
to deal with your body shame andit forces you to deal with your
food choices.
Speaker 1 (30:39):
Or your alcohol, television choices, breach, yes,
good, good.
Okay, can we segue into?
Since men and women are notclear about what our deal
breakers and what each otheractually wants, what are some
other things that women aresuppressing in their dating life
that men actually would thinkis hot, right?
So, like, what are desires thatwomen have that they're not
(31:00):
being honest about?
That men really are looking forand we're like hiding it, we're
not doing it?
Tell me you're giggling.
I must know.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
I'm giggling because I'm just thinking about making
out with other women.
Speaker 1 (31:12):
So true.
I mean most men wouldn't mindyeah.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
Most men wouldn't mind Just saying if that happens
to fit your foot.
I mean, men love our bodies.
That's what I'm constantlysaying.
Speaker 1 (31:27):
And then we don't love our bodies and then we're
not loving our bodies.
Speaker 2 (31:30):
Together it becomes a and they actually love us,
loving our bodies and then we'renot loving our bodies together,
it like becomes a and theyactually love us, loving our
bodies.
They don't just love our bodies, they love us loving our bodies
.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
Yes, and most men don't care about a particular
body type or, like some do, someare really.
Speaker 2 (31:44):
And if they do, they need a remedy.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
That's true, 100% Right.
They have some issues they needto work on Right.
They have some issues they needto work on Right, but most men,
just where did we you and Iboth read the same article
recently was about the woman whowas spending the month in Paris
.
Yes and gosh, this was great.
Maybe we could link the articlein the show notes, because I
experienced a state change whenI read this article.
Was like she, you know, waslike maybe perimenopausal or
(32:10):
postmenopausal, and she was inParis and she was single.
And, you know, was like maybeperimenopausal or postmenopausal
, and she was in Paris and shewas single.
And, uh, you know, she had aone night stand with a guy.
But like, she remembered whatshe forgot is that men just love
it when we're naked.
That's it, yeah, yeah, and weare naked and happy to be right.
Yeah, and we're so.
It's the vibe, it's the vibe.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
It's the vibe and I, just since you've been sharing
with me about your husband, Iwill just say my husband
sometimes tells me he's likehere's what I picture you doing
all day.
While you're up in your officeworking, I just picture you
laying in your bed playing withyourself.
That's what you're doing, right,that's what I assume you're
(32:51):
doing all day yes, yes, honey,nailed yourself, nailed it, I
was like, okay, you can go aheadand thank dad, but just like it
just gives him all kinds of joyto just think about me
pleasuring myself to imaginethat.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
yeah, so that's it right.
Like part of the datingconversation should definitely
be about masturbation and yeaheven successfully, yes, but in
(33:34):
an ideal world.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
you know the treasure you are and you're just so
excited to share it.
And then you know your partnerbecause your partner's like
right treasure.
Treasure I agree, I agree, Iagree.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
Herpes or no herpes?
Speaker 2 (33:43):
Herpes or no herpes, well worth it, not a problem.
No big deal.
Yeah, so I think that's one ofthe things.
The question was what do women?
What are women keeping underwraps?
Wraps that men, actually, thataren't deal breakers, but we
think they're deal breakers.
I mean, I actually think thatwomen think that their success
means something to a man.
It's your confidence withoutcontrolling them.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
It's the control that's the problem, right.
It's not the success, it's thecontrolling nature that's right.
Speaker 2 (34:19):
Yeah yeah.
Finance is another one that Ithink people think is a deal
breaker one way or the other,but tends to not be if
everything else is good.
Speaker 1 (34:27):
Because it's not usually about money.
You may have issues about money, but it's always deeper than
that right Representing somesort of deeper security-oriented
issue.
Speaker 2 (34:40):
Yeah, although I'm not telling women on their
second marriages that they needto combine their finances.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
Sure, I get that Maybe.
Speaker 2 (34:46):
I'll send them to you for a remedy.
I'm sure there's a remedy fornot wanting to combine your
finances with your partner.
Speaker 1 (34:54):
Well, I think that I would tend towards like, if this
relationship really meets the3-H rule, like I would lean
towards considering it.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
Right.
Yeah, but I get it In an idealworld right In an ideal world
Right.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
And an economy really is a thing right, like you
really do split your economy inhalf when you get divorced, and
that's devastating.
But my husband and I now mysecond husband right we have
always sort of understood thatwe grow things, we grow things
better together, like so thatreally works for us.
But I, I get it Right.
We didn't come to this marriagewith millions.
(35:32):
You recently referred someoneto me to address this herpes
piece and so let's unpack that.
Speaker 2 (35:43):
Yeah, I mean.
The truth is, if you can makeit so someone doesn't have to
feel ashamed of slash, disclose,slash, have herpes, I feel like
there's just going to be no endto humans who want to be seen
by you sign up to work with meso please explain, please
explain, so that when I sharethis podcast, people can hear
(36:06):
what the heck we're talkingabout yeah, okay.
Speaker 1 (36:07):
so if I get too far in the weeds, pull me back, pull
me back.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
Okay, everyone, get out your notepad.
She's about to get scientific.
Okay, okay.
Speaker 1 (36:21):
So a lot of what I'm going to say.
If you Google it, google isgoing to literally laugh at you.
It's going to pop up with aMemoji and it's going to start
to giggle, right.
So you'd have to scroll to thefourth page of Google to
validate, or you'd have to askchat, gpt or someone who is
well-versed in alternativemedicines.
(36:42):
So the body was designed toheal itself, and when it's not
healing itself and a symptom hasbecome chronic, it means that
there's some blocks, somethingis in the way and has inhibited
the body's capacity to do whatit was designed to do.
Now this happens to be a veryconvenient thing in the way that
(37:04):
we practice medicine here inthe West, because anytime we
have an ailment or an illness,they have a medication for that,
and then when we have a sideeffect from that medication,
they have a medication for that,and so on and so forth.
But in a lot of other parts ofthe world there are a lot wiser
forms of approaching illness andwellness.
In India, in France, homeopathyis a huge chunk of the
(37:28):
healthcare system, chunk of thehealthcare system.
In the East, right herbs andacupuncture and family are
priorities for maintainingwellness, and anyways, I could
go on and on about that.
So when we contract an illnesslike herpes, it's a virus and
we've been told that there is noclearing that virus from the
(37:50):
body.
In my experience and in theresearch, you will learn that
there is absolutely a way todischarge a lot of subclinical
viral load we are all walkingaround with.
It is part of why we are allfatigued all the time, because
our bodies are not spinning outthat viral load, and that is so
much of what homeopathy does, isit spins out subclinical viral
(38:10):
load.
Now, when we do a herpes testwe do a has it doesn't have it
test in that does the bodyrecognize the shape of this
virus and remember that so thatit can mount a defense the next
time it gets exposed to it.
Right?
However, if you were doing aPCR test to test viral load from
(38:31):
herpes after working with me,you would find that that PCR
test drops down to zero, thatyou have immunity but zero viral
load, therefore nottransmissible.
Now all of this is discussed ina book that I love to recommend
to people, which was written bya double PhD astrophysicist.
The book is called theImpossible Cure.
(38:53):
Now, I think it's advantageousto maintain your body's immune
awareness that it's had anillness, especially if you're
dating, because if you getexposed to it again, because so
freaking, many people haveherpes and various STIs because
PS, this whole conversationapplies to HPV also.
So if you know that you haveHPV and you are concerned about
(39:14):
cervical cancer, yes, we canclear HPV from your body as well
.
So I think there's advantagesto allowing your body to
remember that you've had herpesand to know how to confront it,
right.
But if you really want to getit out of your body, where
zoster viruses hang out in thebody is in the nerves, because
(39:35):
nerves are hollow and they'regreat storage places for this
genetic material and the body isnot keen to kill a nerve just
to eradicate a virus becausethat's painful and dangerous and
whatever right.
But there is so much researchand evidence and documented
cases of people who have usedozone therapy to eradicate that
(39:57):
genetic material from theirnerves so that they can test
absolutely negative to a herpestest.
Now you will not easily find allthis data right.
It is not mainstream To me.
That makes me want to do itmore, because typically when
something isn't mainstream, itmeans it's right and the
information about it has beensuppressed.
(40:17):
Thoughts, feelings, feedbacks,reactions.
Speaker 2 (40:21):
So exciting Did.
Speaker 1 (40:22):
I get two in the weeks.
Speaker 2 (40:24):
It just makes me feel like anything's possible.
Really it is.
I love it, I love it and Ithink it's a good note to end on
, in the sense that, whateveryou think your deal breakers may
be people who are watchingyou're probably wrong, for the
right person.
Speaker 1 (40:41):
Yes, right For the right person.
Speaker 2 (40:42):
Either you can heal that deal breaker or they will
love you for it.
Speaker 1 (40:46):
That's right.
One or the other is possible.
One or the other is possible.
Speaker 2 (40:49):
Don't give up, yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
All right, my darling dear.
Thank you for being with ustoday and to all of our lovely
listeners.
Peace, Dear.
Divorce Diary is a podcast byMyCoachJohn.
You can find more atMyCoachJohncom.
Hi love.
Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary,the podcast helping divorcees go
beyond talk therapy to processyour grief, find the healing you
crave and build back yourconfidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
(00:25):
confidence after divorce.
Ladies, today we have with us aguest who needs no introduction
because you have already mether and fallen in love with her
the illustrious Lori Gerber.
Speaker 2 (00:44):
Welcome.
Oh hello darling, hello, thankyou, thank you.
Speaker 1 (00:47):
Can you even remember a time that we were not
soulmates?
I mean, I know it's been solong.
You know how dating coachestell you not to go too fast.
We didn't follow any of therules in the friendship.
This friendship, we didn't.
Speaker 2 (01:00):
We just we broke all the rules.
Speaker 1 (01:01):
We did.
Speaker 2 (01:02):
We broke all the rules.
It's weird.
It's like the exception provesthe rule, though I'm not willing
to give up the rules.
Dom, I'm not willing to givethem up, but it does feel like I
found the one, yay, which ishead, heart and hoo-ha, we make
sense of practice.
The three H's.
It feels good and it turns meon All the three H's.
(01:22):
So I do think we followed thatrule which is my most important
rule.
Speaker 1 (01:27):
Oh, that's what we want everybody to hear.
Right, we followed that rule,yeah.
Speaker 2 (01:31):
And I actually am okay going fast if the head,
heart and hoo-ha are all happy.
Speaker 1 (01:36):
Cool, good to know.
Speaker 2 (01:39):
Good to know, yeah.
Speaker 1 (01:41):
So when we wrapped recording our last episode where
you taught us about the 3-Hmethod and we talked about
dating right Since then, right,we practically got friend
married and so we see each otherweekly because of things, right
and we decided we needed torecord a follow-up episode to
talk about deal breakers right,like to talk about just things
(02:01):
that we really should bediscussing more, I think, up
front and in the datingexperience we stumbled across
needing to discuss herpes aspart of that.
So this episode, right, we'regoing to discuss deal breakers
and dating.
Speaker 2 (02:17):
Yeah, I think one of the reasons I found you,
spiritually speaking, is that Ican't break down every single
obstacle a woman has tobelieving in love and feeling
ready for love and enjoyingdating by myself, and sometimes
I need other experts and I justneed other people who are savvy.
(02:37):
So a large percentage of peopleI've coached over the years deal
with STIs and I am amazed bythe level of shame we still have
here in the modern era about it.
And I am amazed about how manywomen fully take themselves off
the market because of it.
I mean not just shame, not justembarrassment, not just
(02:59):
confusion, not just shyness, notjust, but truly give up on love
because of it.
And so when you and I startedtalking about some things you
know about that topic, I mylittle ears perked up and I
thought, wow, if there'ssomething we can do about the
fact of it, that's a whole lot,cause I work on the mindset and
how to disclose and all the.
You know all the emotional andtechnical and logistical parts.
(03:22):
But I feel like you have someinsights into something another
approach, a whole differentapproach.
Speaker 1 (03:29):
Yeah, so the flow of this chitty chat might be a
little different, right, becausewe're going to tackle some of
these topics together.
Right, we're going to clap,yeah, okay.
So from your experience, isthere such a thing as too early
to talk about and bring up STIsor herpes or whatever in a
budding relationship?
Speaker 2 (03:50):
There is too early, I think, okay.
I think it's a very I believein transparency.
Speaker 1 (03:56):
I believe that you're being.
You do yes.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
I do, I walk, my talk you know this.
I'm constantly telling everyonewhat I think and feel, so I
believe in transparency, but Ibelieve in timing, and I don't
equate transparency with telleverybody every single thing you
think either or every singlething.
It's kind of like the importantthings not everything.
Speaker 1 (04:21):
No, it's about integrity.
Right, Integrity yeah.
Speaker 2 (04:23):
Yeah, because, again, most of what we think is
garbage.
Honestly, many of the thoughtswe have deserve to be dismissed
and tossed, but some things wethink over and over again and
some things are just truths thatpeople have the right to know.
And, in regards to dating, Ibelieve everyone has about seven
what I call liabilities orthings that could be problematic
in a relationship that need tobe disclosed.
(04:44):
But when you disclose them hasto do with trust, rapport and
the likelihood that this is yourperson.
You don't need to be disclosingjust for the fun of it or for
the morality of it.
I'm teaching you.
You have to expose it to see ifyou're a match, and so the
timing depends on howcomfortable and how much trust
you've built.
Speaker 1 (05:03):
Now this entire conversation we're having
presumes that our listeners arefollowing the 3-H method.
Speaker 2 (05:12):
Let's not assume that .
Speaker 1 (05:13):
Let's not assume that .
But that's the recommendationright, which reminds the ladies
what the 3-H method is.
Speaker 2 (05:21):
So the 3-H method has a lot of components, but I
think let's summarize and saypoint number one you're
listening to the needs of yourhead, your heart and your hoo-ha
.
Those are the 3-Hs your head,what's practical?
Your heart, how does it feel?
And your hoo-ha, what turns youon, what are you attracted to?
So you're vetting connectionswith potential mates based on
those three criteria, eachgetting its own equal vote, not
(05:43):
sharing the vote.
And then you understand they'redoing the same, whether they're
conscious of it or not, they'redoing the same.
So, and then I give you onlythree dates to figure out if you
really are a match.
If you're looking for your lastlove of your life, if you're
looking for casual, you can dowhat you want.
Speaker 1 (05:58):
But, for instance, right If you're not at an eight
out of 10 in all three of thosezones, like you wouldn't put
yourself through the pain ofhaving a conversation about an
STI or whatever like you justright Like so it's like first
things first, second thingssecond.
Yeah, correct, correct, becauseit is painful.
Speaker 2 (06:14):
It is.
It's scary, it's embarrassingand nobody, it's nobody's
business, unless you're thinkingof having sex with them and and
so yeah, so there is a too late.
I don't, I don't think there'sa too late, and the too late is
after you've already had sex.
Speaker 1 (06:30):
But candidly, I had herpes.
When my husband and I gottogether and it was one of the
scariest things I ever did in myentire life.
To tell him and I know thatsome of that is directly
correlated to I had still somuch healing work to do then,
right, I had done a lot, butthere was still so much more, so
I still had insecure attachmentstyle, I still had self-esteem
(06:53):
work to do, and so telling himdid feel like I was collapsing
into shame, right, and it wasphysiologically so deeply
distressing.
Yeah, and that was real.
Speaker 2 (07:04):
How did he take it?
Speaker 1 (07:06):
He didn't care.
Speaker 2 (07:08):
This is what I love about the herpes conversation
you really find out if they likeyou he was like great, can we
go again?
Yeah, like 50% you find out theyhave it too.
And then the other 50% you findout if they really like you or
not, which is why it's good todo it by day two or three,
because if they think you're hotand they want to have sex with
you and they feel comfortablewith you and your dreams
(07:29):
intertwine well and your liveswould work out and they like you
, they feel enchanted by you.
Herpes isn't going to be whatmesses it up, unless they have
OCD or some trauma around thatparticular thing in which case
it could mess it up with aperson, but then that's not your
person and that's okay.
Speaker 1 (07:50):
Yeah, there's a quote which you're more likely to
know than I am, but about, like,what's meant for you cannot be
kept from you, right?
That sort of idea that?
Speaker 2 (07:59):
my version of that is a quote from Lauren Handel
Zander, my mentor and teacher ofthe Handel method you can't
fuck it up with the one and forthe children, you can't mess it
up with the one.
Speaker 1 (08:15):
Yeah, you can't mess it up with the one.
Speaker 2 (08:16):
So if your disclosure messes it up.
They weren't your one.
They weren't your one and youreally want to get rid of them
sooner than later, before youget attached, before you invest
before you take it personally,because it's not personal.
Speaker 1 (08:24):
Yeah, okay.
What is the difference betweena red flag, a deal breaker and a
trigger when you're datingpost-divorce right?
And this is like such a goodquestion and we may have to sit
with it for a bit right.
Speaker 2 (08:43):
It's complicated, Three things to hold it to think
that.
Speaker 1 (08:45):
But it's so good and I think that these are the kinds
of conversations we need to behaving with women, because we
teach them about red flags, weteach them about deal breakers,
we teach them about triggers,but how do you sort them out
when you're in it and you'refeeling feelings and you're
whatever, disassociating or Idon't know right?
Speaker 2 (09:10):
How do you do it when you're disassociated?
Yes, exactly, feel your feet onthe ground first of all.
Okay, so I think it's easiestto start with just saying the
difference between red flags anddeal breakers.
I want you to look for redflags.
I think red flags are anotherway of saying liabilities, and I
put liabilities in quotes,which means a habit, a health
condition, a living situation, arelationship that's not yet
resolved, a personality trait.
It's like the things andeverybody has them, I estimate
(09:32):
about seven that come up in arelationship that are like is
that gonna work?
And I think you want to lookfor those.
Okay, and if it's your person,you don't mind those, or you can
work with them.
Speaker 1 (09:45):
You can work with them or you want to work with
them, yeah.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Yeah, yeah, so you're not looking for someone who
doesn't have any red flags.
Speaker 1 (09:50):
I would like everyone to know that my husband and I
have the same fight over andover, and, over, and over and
over again, and while it getsmaybe the tiniest bit better
each time we have it, it's likeokay.
I know, I just know we're goingto have this fight next month
(10:11):
and the month after that it's ona monthly cycle.
Speaker 2 (10:14):
That's interesting.
Speaker 1 (10:16):
It often correlates to when I've been taking a new
homeopathic remedy and I nolonger feel like suppressing my
frustration about the thing, andthen I blurt it out, and then
we have the conversation, andthen we move on.
Great.
Speaker 2 (10:28):
So yeah, so red flags are nothing to be afraid of.
They're something to payattention to and sort out, but
then a red flag can quickly turninto a deal breaker if it
really is and that can be athing like that thing is too
triggering for you.
Like an alcoholic that's not inrecovery is a deal breaker.
Speaker 1 (10:48):
Okay, but can we talk about the difference?
Because I tend to think thereare not a lot of deal breakers.
Agreed, okay.
So I tend to think there's nota lot of deal breakers, and a
deal breaker is actually, for me, is something in the realm of
this person isn't willing towork on it or something Right,
right, so an active alcoholicisn't willing to work on really
(11:10):
anything other than right,because everything comes second
to their addiction, right.
Speaker 2 (11:14):
So and that goes for any addiction that someone's not
in recovery and you?
Yeah, and you probably think,oh well, just give me the, give
me the deal breaker and I'll fixit with a remedy.
Speaker 1 (11:27):
Addiction is one of the hardest things, too, right,
because it does take such anenormous amount of internal
motivation.
It really does.
Remedies are no remedies, right, yeah, it takes an enormous
amount of internal motivationand commitment.
Speaker 2 (11:39):
I'm just suggesting that part of why you think there
are so few deal breakers isbecause you can fix everything
with a remedy because you canfix everything, which is this is
why I want to partner with you,because I want there to be so
few deal breakers and I and Ifind over and over again that
things that people think aredeal breakers are not deal
breakers.
They're liabilities you have towork with.
Speaker 1 (11:59):
Or triggers the third thing.
Speaker 2 (12:02):
Or triggers, so I wanted to live in New York City.
That would have been a dealbreaker for someone who hates
New York City, but it justwasn't for my husband.
So a deal breaker is totallysubjective and can change and
not be a deal breaker.
But the kinds of deal breakersI sort of accept when my client
and I would love to hear if youwould agree with this.
(12:22):
But if someone says it's a deallike an addiction, an untreated
addiction is a deal breaker orrage is a deal breaker.
Speaker 1 (12:29):
Right violence.
Violence is a deal breaker, ordoesn't want to be monogamous,
or doesn't want to be poly, youknow, whatever your thing is,
yeah, misalignment of Doesn'twant to live where I want to
live.
Speaker 2 (12:42):
Smoking is often a deal breaker for people like
cigarettes, but that's addictionor drug use.
Yeah, so I do.
Where your dreams are taking,you are two separate and
mutually exclusive.
I think that's a fair dealbreaker.
I also think potentiallydifferences in libido could be a
(13:03):
deal breaker.
Speaker 1 (13:04):
Although I of course believe you can work on that.
Did you hear my heavy?
Speaker 2 (13:05):
breath.
I did.
I know you don't agree withthis, but no, it's not that I
don't agree with it.
Speaker 1 (13:10):
It's.
I think it's so hard.
I have a lot to say about it.
Speaker 2 (13:14):
That's what it is.
Speaker 1 (13:15):
It's not that I don't agree, but I have a lot to say.
Speaker 2 (13:18):
Can I give you a real life example?
And you know, because again Ikeep wanting to go like maybe
she's got a cure for that.
Like I, I break couples upright.
Like I.
I'm in the midst of breaking.
I'm in the midst of breakingthree different couples up, so I
want to really hear what youhave to say about these
incompatibilities and dealbreakers.
Okay, so one couple the dealbreaker is oh, I think if you
(13:39):
can't forgive them for cheating,I think that's a deal breaker.
Speaker 1 (13:42):
I think that's a reason In a past relationship.
Speaker 2 (13:45):
No in the current relationship.
So I'm talking aboutrelationships of people who are
dating for a while now.
So one incompatibility is thisone wants to be this kind of
poly and this one doesn't wantto be that.
This one wants to be adifferent kind of poly.
So she needs more reassurance,he wants more freedom.
To me I'm like go Like, don'ttry to.
(14:07):
Don't try to change yourselves.
If you want a primary person andyou only want to bring in a
third with the both of you, andyou want to be able to flirt
with whoever, whenever, and getphone numbers.
That's not coming.
Speaker 1 (14:19):
That's not.
Yeah, no, I don't think that'sa deal breaker right Now.
I think the underpinnings of Ithink those are complex cases.
Remedies can right, like EMDR,ifs remedies can improve all
those things.
And I have my grad school wife.
She read all the homework andthen we discuss it in the car
(14:42):
and then I'd know the answers tothe exams.
Anyways, she's Polly and she'sbeen right.
We've been working on somethings homeopathically and she's
a therapist and she's a massagetherapist, so she knows all the
things right.
So she has worked to improve,to have a more secure attachment
style and further refine anddefine how she wants to have her
(15:02):
love life look yes, yes, butall right, can I give you the
second one?
Speaker 2 (15:06):
Yep, so this couple broke up because he is very type
A, he likes to design his life,he likes coaching, he likes
yeah, he just is like a moverand a shaker and she's kind of
not joining him there right andshe's she's sort of more aimless
(15:27):
, doesn't quite follow up onthings, like didn't write a
birthday card, you know justlike not beautiful.
Sex is great, beautiful um love, very strong love, but in the
head area they're just not.
They're nowhere like on thesame wavelength or the same
plane.
Yeah, and he tried for a longtime to bring her along.
Speaker 1 (15:49):
Yeah, probably he needs to downshift a notch and
she probably needs to upshift anotch right.
Super interesting.
Go to where in your childhooddid these patterns become
established and how did youattract this person in the first
place?
Because I really believe from avibrational place that we call
like, calls to like.
So in what way are those twopeople mirrors for each other?
(16:12):
In what ways are they bothusing their particular
approaches to avoid feelingsomething or addressing
something or tackling something?
I'm always looking for what isthe subconscious pattern here?
Because that relationship, youcan end a relationship and this
is why I think there aren't thatmany deal breakers and you are
going to attract the samepattern in a different container
, and it's just so often thecase.
Speaker 2 (16:37):
So do you fight for a relationship, no matter what?
Speaker 1 (16:42):
No, but I think that life is going to life no matter
what, and I think that to reallybe in a monogamous relationship
for an extended period of time,you have to be prepared for
whatever life is going to throwat you.
And that's going to mean manyiterations of a self of beliefs.
Right, our beliefs should beevolving over time.
Our interests should beevolving over time.
Our sense of self and ourrelationship to the beliefs
(17:04):
should be evolving over time.
Our interests should beevolving over time.
Our sense of self and ourrelationship to the world should
be evolving over time.
And so how can we be in arelationship with a person and
expect that person to stay thesame or to know how they're
going to react to when thisperson dies or that person
breaks?
I think some of the mostimportant things we can have are
transparency, a willingness towork on it together, humility,
(17:25):
vulnerability you know what Imean.
It's more like character traitsthat I think are more important,
because I think very few thingsare deal breakers unless we
have unhealed wounds, becausethen it really triggers very
often and we can't get out ofour own way, right.
And then I think that I am promarriage and the reason I'm pro
marriage and it's so interestingbecause we're on a divorce
(17:46):
podcast but I started as amarriage therapist and then got
divorced.
So the reason I'm pro marriageis because I know that most
people, if they just did thatwork, a lot of things would
smooth out right and theywouldn't repeat the patterns.
And so I think that it'sshort-sighted to think that
divorce is a solution.
I think divorce actuallyintroduces an additional problem
(18:09):
and if you haven't solved, like, the actual problems, then
you're not really sure whetheror not you're eligible for
divorce, right?
So I just think a lot of peoplehaven't done enough footwork to
determine their divorceeligibility Right, right.
Speaker 2 (18:24):
So I'm going to say, to summarize, the deal breakers
you and I agree on aretransparency, willingness to
work on stuff, self-reflection,willing to do your own inner
work, and I would add to that,you know, dreams that don't
mutually exclude each other.
Speaker 1 (18:42):
Yeah, I see people have deal breakers, like around
time spent meaning and I haveseen some people navigate this
beautifully but like, let's say,somebody who's already
semi-retired and somebody elseis still working that kind of
thing, right, and their work istheir purpose and their passion
and whatever, and it's like, no,I'm not going to give you, you
know, an unending round of time.
Or like kids, right, Like youngkids that still require a lot
(19:07):
of you know just life right,Attending to them.
And maybe this other personwants to travel.
So you know what I mean.
Like there are certain things,a stage of life issues, maybe
that can be deal breakers.
Speaker 2 (19:17):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just real incompatibilityaround the practicalities and
issues, which is a little bitwhat I'm saying in the second
example, which is like he wantsto be traveling the world and
doing things that she literallycan't content, content, you know
and contend not to so anddoesn't really want him doing it
.
So it's.
It really is mutually exclusiveyeah dreams, visions, aptitudes
(19:38):
okay, I'm not going to give youthe third example, just in the
interest of time.
And talking about triggers,triggers.
Now I'm dealing in early datingand usually, because my
specialty is when you're on thebench, are you gonna date?
You're in the early dating andyou're looking for who you might
want to date and then you're inearly dating figuring out if
they're the one.
So usually we're not triggeringeach other yet at that stage.
Speaker 1 (19:59):
Right, I find that's happening more in like right,
which is where we, yeah, wherewe fall in a pothole Cause we,
yeah, we are falling in lovewith a false sense of real life.
Speaker 2 (20:11):
Exactly so.
That's probably when triggersshow up and when you either
deepen into.
We're going to figure this outtogether or you go.
I don't want to deal with thatright Either.
I'm not ready to deal with mine, or I'm not really ready to
deal with yours, and then I'mout, and those are triggers.
I've seen a lot of couples gothrough that when it comes time
(20:31):
for commitment.
In fact, I would say thiscouple the first couple I
mentioned like when it came timefor really commitment like, are
we going to get?
married or not.
It was like no, this is notgoing to, we're not.
We tried, but we're not goingto come closer together.
Speaker 1 (20:45):
And I find that ambivalence is one of the most
toxic things in a relationship.
Right, there is nothing thatwill tank someone's self-esteem
or their self-concept than theirpartner being ambivalent, like
unsure about being with them.
Speaker 2 (20:59):
That's triggering.
I would.
I would call that a trigger.
I would call that a trigger.
And I mean it's so funnybecause when you say trigger,
I'm like I don't even know whatyou mean, because I can't relate
to it personally other thanwhat triggers me in my very
long-term marriage.
Speaker 1 (21:13):
Like he wants to go hang out with his friends and
she panics Like he criticizessomething.
You know what I mean.
Like it's like wounds thattypically go back to our
childhood or our parents, youknow.
Speaker 2 (21:25):
I was going to say my point.
I do understand what triggersmean, but I am having trouble
placing it in an early datingcontext.
For me my triggers are soancient and they're just the
same as they've always been,except now I do them with my
husband.
Yes, if I have to patient if Ihave to patiently wait for the
answer to something.
Oh, you know, that's triggeringto me.
(21:46):
Yes, as it has always been mywhole life with everyone.
If I feel insecure about money,that is triggering to me as it
has been my whole liferegardless of him, so he can
push my buttons, but my buttonswere there, yeah, regardless of
him.
So I don't.
I feel like that's a personalissue, not a dating issue per se
, but obviously it comes up.
Speaker 1 (22:07):
I think so many women settle for not an eight out of
10 in their head, heart andhoo-ha, right.
And then it's like that rightthere clears up the bulk of this
conversation we're having, youknow, because if somebody's not
being honest or transparent orengaged, like there's not going
to be an eight out of 10 scoring, and then it's, and then that's
(22:29):
it.
Speaker 2 (22:30):
Well, the real trick is converting a woman's fear
that being honest andtransparent will drive the man
away, because not only do we notthink it's sexy and awesome, we
actually think it's harmful andbad, and so I'm forever trying
to convince a woman that it'sthe sexiest thing, that if you
can convince a man, you actuallywant to know the truth and tell
the truth if he really believesyou, there will be this
(22:52):
unbelievable ease in therelationship.
If he wants the truth, that'sright.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
So let's talk about that for a moment.
I think there's a lot of thingsthat us women have twisted
right, like, for instance, do wewear makeup and style our hair
in particular ways and dress incertain clothes for men or for
ourselves, right Like?
My husband prefers me inminimal makeup, looking natural,
and you know how many men thatI work with one-on-one and in
(23:20):
couples counseling feel the sameway.
Speaker 2 (23:24):
I do it for women.
Speaker 1 (23:25):
You do it for women.
Speaker 2 (23:26):
Yeah, there's a third option.
What is it For women?
For women, you said you do itfor men, or for yourself, oh for
yourself, for women, right.
Speaker 1 (23:35):
And so it's like are we, as women, really clear about
what men want?
I don't think so that feelslike a whole other episode,
that's all another, like a wholeother episode.
Speaker 2 (23:44):
I think most men's deal breakers are you're not
over your ex uh-huh, don't haveenough attention.
You don't have enough attentionfor me?
Uh-huh, you don't need me.
Value me, respect me, admire meor have room for me.
Too much drama, or you'repressuring me like you don't
care how I think and feel andthen, and then I'm gonna throw
(24:07):
in there not enough sex, becausethat's that's really which I
was just talking about heart.
But that's the one, okay so?
Speaker 1 (24:16):
so you don't think that herpes or any STI is a deal
breaker for most men?
Speaker 2 (24:24):
Good point.
I think it's probably 50-50.
Okay, I think every man who hasherpes and knows they do it's
an advantage, an asset, not aliability.
Speaker 1 (24:39):
Well, and 25% of the 50 don't know.
They have it and they have it.
So 75%.
Speaker 2 (24:47):
Exactly so for men who don't know they have it, I
think it's 50, 50.
Okay, and for men who know theydon't have it, I think it's 50,
50.
So you're dealing with I I'mreally bad at the calculus of
this, but I think 75% of men arefine if everything else is
great.
If everything else is not great, they might use that as the
(25:07):
reason Use that that's it right.
Use that Just like you would.
We are bullshitting constantlyright we go oh, I couldn't do
that because I have this otherthing I have to do, and it's not
true.
It's like you didn't do itbecause you don't want to do it.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
Right, that's right.
Speaker 2 (25:24):
We say I can't do it because Blame shift, blame shift
.
Yeah, it's me, not you.
I'm not ready, whatever.
Speaker 1 (25:34):
I'm not over my.
Can we circle back to thelibido thing again?
That comes up a lot in mypractice and it's becoming a
real pet peeve.
So in my experience, women of acertain age have taken a
profound hit to their libido fora whole host of reasons
Metabolic dysfunction, hormonaldysfunction you know what I mean
(25:55):
Like adrenal fatigue, like somany layers of things that,
quite frankly, the men in theworld have contributed to.
Do you know how many women Italk to who want to make out but
not have to be committed tohave sex?
And men can't handle that andthen they get huffy and right.
So I think for men, this is acall to the men.
I'm just sending out avibrational note to the world of
(26:18):
men.
Men, please do your work to beable to be more flexible around
sex, love, making out libido andall of the things, so that you
can learn to love a woman formore than just how it feels when
your penis is wet.
Speaker 2 (26:35):
Fair.
But I actually think it's fairfor a man to want to have
regular sex and for it to be adeal breaker for him if she
doesn't want to.
Speaker 1 (26:43):
I have concerns because I think that more women
than not are really strugglingon a metabolic, metabolic level,
and I think you're going tostart to reduce the dating pool
to a very small group of women.
Speaker 2 (27:01):
Then, but don't you think that's a call to action,
to self-care?
Speaker 1 (27:06):
Yeah, oh, yes, yeah, well, but again, right, it's
like is she at work on it, right?
So is it a deal breaker thatthe that she has this challenge,
or is it a deal breaker thatshe has this challenge and she's
not addressing it at all?
Speaker 2 (27:21):
Bingo.
Speaker 1 (27:22):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (27:23):
Bingo.
I mean I shut down my sex lifewith my husband, shut it down
completely for a long time andhe justated it I mean, he was
lonely, he was nice yeah so niceand he just and I just, and it
was literally one of the firstthings my life coach said to me
addressed are you trying to getdivorced?
(27:43):
And I was like no, actually I'mnot.
And she's like well, the onlything that differentiates a
friendship from what you havewith your husband is sex.
Speaker 1 (27:53):
So if you're taking, that off the table.
Speaker 2 (27:54):
what are you doing?
And it was such a light bulbmoment for me I was like oh my
God, why?
What is wrong with me?
Like what, and I don't meanthat in a mean way.
I was like why?
First of all, why do I.
Speaker 1 (28:05):
Why didn't it occur to me?
Speaker 2 (28:07):
Why didn't it occur to me?
And the answer is because myparents weren't having sex.
So I thought that was normal,but when I actually broke it
down, it isn't good for meeither it's not good for me to
not want to have sex with my.
Speaker 1 (28:19):
No, it means something's off.
Speaker 2 (28:21):
Yes, it means something is stuffing my face
with potato chips and donuts andhaving a baby suck on my tit
till they're four years old likethat's not good for me.
I loved breastfeeding till four.
Let me just say I loved it.
I would never, I would neverchange that.
But the point is I was bookedand I was booked with food and I
was booked with my kids and Iforsake this man I was not
(28:45):
trying to get rid of in the, inthe area where he expresses love
and receives love and that'svalid, yeah, in the area where
he expresses love and receiveslove, and that's valid.
Speaker 1 (28:54):
Yeah, agreed, agreed.
Speaker 2 (28:55):
You know, and I coach a lot of nice men who just you
know, obviously if you say no,they're not going to make you,
that's the rule they learn RightLike that's what they learn.
But then what do they do withthe fact that they really?
That's how they express love,that's how they feel close,
that's how they want to show youhow much they love you, they
(29:16):
want to give you pleasure.
They want to see you relaxed allof these benefits and as soon
as I was like, oh right, if Igave up the food, I might even
want the physical touch.
I might even want the intimacyand I'd be better off.
Two ways, three ways, right.
I'd feel better in my body andmy health I'd reconnect with my
(29:38):
husband and I'd have the joy ofsex.
And then once I'm like, oh, I'mgonna have sex on principle,
then I figure out how to make itgood because if I'm gonna do it
anyway.
I might as well make it.
Speaker 1 (29:47):
It's like you might as well make it amazing right.
Speaker 2 (29:49):
You might as well find the workout you like, yeah,
so I found the sex I like andthen it's like and and ps.
I still don't care, I stilldon't want to, but the benefits
can we keep tabs on that?
Speaker 1 (30:02):
in your remedy I was gonna say permission to speak
freely.
Like can you?
Speaker 2 (30:06):
like if you're gonna make me horny in addition to
everything else yes, that's theplan, friend, that is the plan.
Please keep me posted soannoying.
Okay, it's fine.
Right, it's fine, you'll haveto work on my time management
first.
But, um, but my point is that Ijust I think it's such an asset
to almost every relationshipand if it forces you to deal
(30:28):
with your childhood trauma, ifthat's it to deal with your
sexual abuse and it forces youto deal with your body shame and
it forces you to deal with yourchildhood trauma.
If that's it, you deal with yoursexual abuse and it forces you
to deal with your body shame andit forces you to deal with your
food choices.
Speaker 1 (30:39):
Or your alcohol, television choices, breach, yes,
good, good.
Okay, can we segue into?
Since men and women are notclear about what our deal
breakers and what each otheractually wants, what are some
other things that women aresuppressing in their dating life
that men actually would thinkis hot, right?
So, like, what are desires thatwomen have that they're not
(31:00):
being honest about?
That men really are looking forand we're like hiding it, we're
not doing it?
Tell me you're giggling.
I must know.
Speaker 2 (31:08):
I'm giggling because I'm just thinking about making
out with other women.
Speaker 1 (31:12):
So true.
I mean most men wouldn't mindyeah.
Speaker 2 (31:18):
Most men wouldn't mind Just saying if that happens
to fit your foot.
I mean, men love our bodies.
That's what I'm constantlysaying.
Speaker 1 (31:27):
And then we don't love our bodies and then we're
not loving our bodies.
Speaker 2 (31:30):
Together it becomes a and they actually love us,
loving our bodies and then we'renot loving our bodies together,
it like becomes a and theyactually love us, loving our
bodies.
They don't just love our bodies, they love us loving our bodies
.
Speaker 1 (31:38):
Yes, and most men don't care about a particular
body type or, like some do, someare really.
Speaker 2 (31:44):
And if they do, they need a remedy.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
That's true, 100% Right.
They have some issues they needto work on Right.
They have some issues they needto work on Right, but most men,
just where did we you and Iboth read the same article
recently was about the woman whowas spending the month in Paris
.
Yes and gosh, this was great.
Maybe we could link the articlein the show notes, because I
experienced a state change whenI read this article.
Was like she, you know, waslike maybe perimenopausal or
(32:10):
postmenopausal, and she was inParis and she was single.
And, you know, was like maybeperimenopausal or postmenopausal
, and she was in Paris and shewas single.
And, uh, you know, she had aone night stand with a guy.
But like, she remembered whatshe forgot is that men just love
it when we're naked.
That's it, yeah, yeah, and weare naked and happy to be right.
Yeah, and we're so.
It's the vibe, it's the vibe.
Speaker 2 (32:30):
It's the vibe and I, just since you've been sharing
with me about your husband, Iwill just say my husband
sometimes tells me he's likehere's what I picture you doing
all day.
While you're up in your officeworking, I just picture you
laying in your bed playing withyourself.
That's what you're doing, right,that's what I assume you're
(32:51):
doing all day yes, yes, honey,nailed yourself, nailed it, I
was like, okay, you can go aheadand thank dad, but just like it
just gives him all kinds of joyto just think about me
pleasuring myself to imaginethat.
Speaker 1 (33:04):
yeah, so that's it right.
Like part of the datingconversation should definitely
be about masturbation and yeaheven successfully, yes, but in
(33:34):
an ideal world.
Speaker 2 (33:34):
you know the treasure you are and you're just so
excited to share it.
And then you know your partnerbecause your partner's like
right treasure.
Treasure I agree, I agree, Iagree.
Speaker 1 (33:41):
Herpes or no herpes?
Speaker 2 (33:43):
Herpes or no herpes, well worth it, not a problem.
No big deal.
Yeah, so I think that's one ofthe things.
The question was what do women?
What are women keeping underwraps?
Wraps that men, actually, thataren't deal breakers, but we
think they're deal breakers.
I mean, I actually think thatwomen think that their success
means something to a man.
It's your confidence withoutcontrolling them.
Speaker 1 (34:14):
It's the control that's the problem, right.
It's not the success, it's thecontrolling nature that's right.
Speaker 2 (34:19):
Yeah yeah.
Finance is another one that Ithink people think is a deal
breaker one way or the other,but tends to not be if
everything else is good.
Speaker 1 (34:27):
Because it's not usually about money.
You may have issues about money, but it's always deeper than
that right Representing somesort of deeper security-oriented
issue.
Speaker 2 (34:40):
Yeah, although I'm not telling women on their
second marriages that they needto combine their finances.
Speaker 1 (34:45):
Sure, I get that Maybe.
Speaker 2 (34:46):
I'll send them to you for a remedy.
I'm sure there's a remedy fornot wanting to combine your
finances with your partner.
Speaker 1 (34:54):
Well, I think that I would tend towards like, if this
relationship really meets the3-H rule, like I would lean
towards considering it.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
Right.
Yeah, but I get it In an idealworld right In an ideal world
Right.
Speaker 1 (35:10):
And an economy really is a thing right, like you
really do split your economy inhalf when you get divorced, and
that's devastating.
But my husband and I now mysecond husband right we have
always sort of understood thatwe grow things, we grow things
better together, like so thatreally works for us.
But I, I get it Right.
We didn't come to this marriagewith millions.
(35:32):
You recently referred someoneto me to address this herpes
piece and so let's unpack that.
Speaker 2 (35:43):
Yeah, I mean.
The truth is, if you can makeit so someone doesn't have to
feel ashamed of slash, disclose,slash, have herpes, I feel like
there's just going to be no endto humans who want to be seen
by you sign up to work with meso please explain, please
explain, so that when I sharethis podcast, people can hear
(36:06):
what the heck we're talkingabout yeah, okay.
Speaker 1 (36:07):
so if I get too far in the weeds, pull me back, pull
me back.
Speaker 2 (36:15):
Okay, everyone, get out your notepad.
She's about to get scientific.
Okay, okay.
Speaker 1 (36:21):
So a lot of what I'm going to say.
If you Google it, google isgoing to literally laugh at you.
It's going to pop up with aMemoji and it's going to start
to giggle, right.
So you'd have to scroll to thefourth page of Google to
validate, or you'd have to askchat, gpt or someone who is
well-versed in alternativemedicines.
(36:42):
So the body was designed toheal itself, and when it's not
healing itself and a symptom hasbecome chronic, it means that
there's some blocks, somethingis in the way and has inhibited
the body's capacity to do whatit was designed to do.
Now this happens to be a veryconvenient thing in the way that
(37:04):
we practice medicine here inthe West, because anytime we
have an ailment or an illness,they have a medication for that,
and then when we have a sideeffect from that medication,
they have a medication for that,and so on and so forth.
But in a lot of other parts ofthe world there are a lot wiser
forms of approaching illness andwellness.
In India, in France, homeopathyis a huge chunk of the
(37:28):
healthcare system, chunk of thehealthcare system.
In the East, right herbs andacupuncture and family are
priorities for maintainingwellness, and anyways, I could
go on and on about that.
So when we contract an illnesslike herpes, it's a virus and
we've been told that there is noclearing that virus from the
(37:50):
body.
In my experience and in theresearch, you will learn that
there is absolutely a way todischarge a lot of subclinical
viral load we are all walkingaround with.
It is part of why we are allfatigued all the time, because
our bodies are not spinning outthat viral load, and that is so
much of what homeopathy does, isit spins out subclinical viral
(38:10):
load.
Now, when we do a herpes testwe do a has it doesn't have it
test in that does the bodyrecognize the shape of this
virus and remember that so thatit can mount a defense the next
time it gets exposed to it.
Right?
However, if you were doing aPCR test to test viral load from
(38:31):
herpes after working with me,you would find that that PCR
test drops down to zero, thatyou have immunity but zero viral
load, therefore nottransmissible.
Now all of this is discussed ina book that I love to recommend
to people, which was written bya double PhD astrophysicist.
The book is called theImpossible Cure.
(38:53):
Now, I think it's advantageousto maintain your body's immune
awareness that it's had anillness, especially if you're
dating, because if you getexposed to it again, because so
freaking, many people haveherpes and various STIs because
PS, this whole conversationapplies to HPV also.
So if you know that you haveHPV and you are concerned about
(39:14):
cervical cancer, yes, we canclear HPV from your body as well
.
So I think there's advantagesto allowing your body to
remember that you've had herpesand to know how to confront it,
right.
But if you really want to getit out of your body, where
zoster viruses hang out in thebody is in the nerves, because
(39:35):
nerves are hollow and they'regreat storage places for this
genetic material and the body isnot keen to kill a nerve just
to eradicate a virus becausethat's painful and dangerous and
whatever right.
But there is so much researchand evidence and documented
cases of people who have usedozone therapy to eradicate that
(39:57):
genetic material from theirnerves so that they can test
absolutely negative to a herpestest.
Now you will not easily find allthis data right.
It is not mainstream To me.
That makes me want to do itmore, because typically when
something isn't mainstream, itmeans it's right and the
information about it has beensuppressed.
(40:17):
Thoughts, feelings, feedbacks,reactions.
Speaker 2 (40:21):
So exciting Did.
Speaker 1 (40:22):
I get two in the weeks.
Speaker 2 (40:24):
It just makes me feel like anything's possible.
Really it is.
I love it, I love it and Ithink it's a good note to end on
, in the sense that, whateveryou think your deal breakers may
be people who are watchingyou're probably wrong, for the
right person.
Speaker 1 (40:41):
Yes, right For the right person.
Speaker 2 (40:42):
Either you can heal that deal breaker or they will
love you for it.
Speaker 1 (40:46):
That's right.
One or the other is possible.
One or the other is possible.
Speaker 2 (40:49):
Don't give up, yeah.
Speaker 1 (40:52):
All right, my darling dear.
Thank you for being with ustoday and to all of our lovely
listeners.
Peace, Dear.
Divorce Diary is a podcast byMyCoachJohn.
You can find more atMyCoachJohncom.
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