If asking for help feels impossible, you’re not broken—you’re overloaded. Divorce isn’t just grief; it’s carrying more than one nervous system can hold.
You’ll Learn
- Why independence can feel safer than leaning on others.
- How overload—not weakness—explains your struggle.
- The first steps to receiving support without shame.
💎 You don’t have to carry this alone. Join A Different D Word
and find women who won’t look away when your truth gets messy.
After divorce, many women insist, “I’ve got it.” But inside, they’re drowning. This episode explains why asking for help feels like failure when in reality, it’s survival. I’ll share how overload keeps your nervous system on high alert, and how small steps toward receiving support can bring relief, connection, and trust back into your life.
Divorce recovery means learning to receive support—not just give it.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn
Instagram: (@dawnwiggins)
Instagram: (@coachtiffini)
On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
If you've been holding your world together
alone since the divorce, runningon fumes, running the show
quietly, running out of steam,the forgetfulness, the
exhaustion, the reactivity.
It's your nervous systemshowing you the cost of being
the one who always shows up,even when no one else does.
Today we're talking about whyit's actually hard for you to
(00:24):
accept help.
That's weird, because it's thething you need most and how
learning to let go of the lifeyou imagine can open the door to
real freedom, the thing you'recraving.
Hi love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
(00:47):
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
Confidence after divorce.
(01:13):
In today's episode, we're goingto talk about the exceptionally,
far too long history of no oneshowing up for you consistently.
We're going to acknowledge howyou've been there for everyone
your kids, your ex, your friends, your coworkers but when you
need someone to carry a piece ofyour load, it feels like the
room gets quiet.
And we're going to talk abouthow sometimes that's a very real
pattern and how sometimes it'sa perceived pattern.
But we're also going to talkabout the difficulty receiving
(01:37):
help, because sometimes helpfeels foreign or we feel guilty
or like there's going to be somestring attached or some
repayment involved, and theanxiety we feel about actually
receiving help and maybe feelinglike a burden, that sort of
tenseness that when somebody istrying to give you something
feels uncomfortable.
And then we're going to wrap itup by talking about how to
cultivate actual freedom.
Right, because it doesn't justmean more time or less stress,
(02:00):
but it's this sort of physical,emotional and mental space to be
yourself without bracing forthe next demand.
And I know when I said withoutbracing, you were like that.
That's the thing.
So at the end of the episodewe're going to talk about how to
cultivate the kind of freedomthat lives in your nervous
system.
Hi, loves, hey.
(02:22):
Hi Hi, hi, loves, hey, let'stalk about how it feels like no
one shows up.
No one shows up, right?
I know that that's a pattern.
I think for most of us began inour childhood this idea that we
were doing emotional labor onthe behalf of our family systems
(02:43):
.
I think a long time right.
When we have sort of anxious ordisorganized attachment styles,
it's like literally right LikeI cried and no one showed up.
Actually I was.
I was colicky and I thinkpeople did show up, but I think,
um, it couldn't penetrate.
The colic I've learned actuallywas a.
It was a symptom of my parents'marriage and of my mom's
(03:04):
vibration while she was carryingme, and so it's like all that I
was already carrying it when Iwas born.
It was already hard for them toconsole me when I was born
Right, and so it's like I justfrom go, I had all of that in my
body.
So no one shows up for me.
What's your lady's experiencewith feeling that in your lives,
your childhoods, your marriages, your post-marriage sit-chews?
Speaker 3 (03:29):
I was always the friend who checked on my friends
.
I was always the anchor of myfriend groups, even from
elementary school, like I canremember just being the friend
that always showed up for myfriends who were crying, who
were upset that day, and I thinkit was a way for me to deflect
from my own issues at the time.
(03:49):
So I just remember just beingthe strong one always, and my
friends always seen me as thispowerhouse of a woman and I feel
like I've always had this hardexterior always, and people just
always perceive that I'm okay,that I have it together, that
everything's fine, because Idon't show it, I don't cry a lot
(04:10):
, I don't complain a lot, I justkind of go along with it.
So I'm the one that everybodyforgets to check on.
That's been my experience untilI met you guys, but up until
that, yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
You can definitely relate.
It's the, it's the, my manager,the people pleasing manager,
that people like me If I have itall together, people like me if
I am the like I a part of myidentity I carried for years and
years and years was the serving, like showing up for people.
That is what I do, that is whoI am, that's what you know what
(04:50):
I mean.
And so, a I couldn't, I didn'tattract the people that served
me.
But B when I started finallyattracting those people that
wanted to love me well and serveme well, I couldn't accept it
because it was so ingrained inme that the core belief I wasn't
(05:14):
worthy, I wasn't good enoughfor them to serve me, and so it
was almost like I couldn't evensee them.
Because it was so trained, Iwas so focused on my identity as
serving others that peopleserving me meant that I wasn't
(05:36):
good enough, like I failed.
Speaker 3 (05:41):
I would fail if someone tried to help me because
I didn't have them all together, I feel like I had a little bit
of that too, joy, like I wasalways hyper independent, full
of checklists all the time ofthings that I need to do, mm-hmm
, and I just felt like it waskind of like this guard on my
(06:03):
heart that if I handle it all,I'll never be disappointed
because, I know that I canhandle my shit.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Isn't it cute, the lies we tell ourselves to
survive.
I said for a long time thatcluster headaches is the thing
that broke me of that hyperindependence because I couldn't
write like it made it physicallyimpossible for me to handle my
life.
It literally took God sending.
I don't think that God sendscluster headaches right.
I think that I lived my life ina way that led to cluster
(06:34):
headaches right, but massivetrauma response but like it
physically broke me.
Yeah, I couldn't, I couldn'tcouldn't carry right and I still
did carry.
I literally like, still workedand carried a pregnancy and
whatever.
But there was a lot of things Idid have to put down, give up
or receive help for, and itwasn't because I chose, it was
because, yeah, I was socollapsed well, I remember when
(06:55):
you had that thing with yourfoot, uh-huh, and that was like
a few months ago yeah, yeah,yeah, right, rehabbing my
kidneys.
Yeah, so I ended up in awheelchair for a day and yeah,
and then, and then I couldn'tkeep up with my family and I
felt really not okay Panickythat I couldn't lead the pack.
Yeah, so it still sneaks inthere.
Speaker 3 (07:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Feeling behind.
Or yeah, like I can't be incontrol.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Yeah, like it can't be in control.
Yeah, yeah, that's probably abig one.
Control, yeah, as women right.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Mm-hmm.
Well, and I think that's howmany of us learn to create a
sense of safety which isn'tactually control is not a sense
of safety.
Right, and that's sort of whatthis episode is about.
Is like freedom is right andsecurity is what feels like
safety.
But most of us have been usingcontrol to create a sense of
safety and security and that'snot actually it.
That's actually a wound,fucking tight nervous system.
(07:53):
That's not.
That's the opposite of safety.
Right, but it's what we haveled ourselves to believe, which
is fascinating.
And then we wonder why our hairis falling out and our thyroids
aren't functioning and ourhormones are all screwed up and
whatever.
And it's because of themechanisms we've been using to
try to find wellness and theydon't work.
Speaker 3 (08:12):
They temporarily work , I suppose, and that's what I
experienced for 10 years.
I thought I was healed.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
quote unquote after my divorce.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (08:21):
And I wasn't.
I simply was never allowinganybody in, right, I didn't.
I simply was never allowinganybody in Right, I didn't allow
people close to me, you know,because I was a control freak
and I just, if I can, pusheverybody away.
I'm never going to experiencehurt or pain or fear or anything
like that again, I feel like mydivorce felt very out of
control and I never wanted tofeel that way again.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
Yes, yeah, yes, I feel the same.
I just took a very different uh.
I was like I, this feels veryout of control and I don't want
to feel this way ever again.
And then, therefore, I'm goingto do every healing thing I
could ever do.
So that right, I'm going tocontrol it by like doing it.
Right, yeah, and even still,that didn't work right, because
(09:04):
the whole thing is is we have toget to safety, a sense of
security and safety for ournervous systems to exhale and to
put our burdens down.
Right.
We have to actually feel safe,to feel, and that's, I think,
the thing that most women can'tfigure out these days.
Right Is how to feel safeenough to feel all the things
and still feel safe.
That's where we're stuck.
(09:27):
Yeah, so let's talk a littlebit about receiving help,
feeling foreign, right, becauseit's like, okay, look at the
three of us, right, threebadasses, if I might say so
myself.
But how we trained ourselves inthe world around us, right, to
not need other people or to notlet help in.
And, and there's this catch 22,22 I feel like happens with
women and I wonder if you ladiescould talk about this where we
(09:49):
know the thing we need but wecan't figure out how to bridge
the gap from I know the thing Ineed to being able to receive
the thing I need, right, so, forinstance, like I need a lot of
help, but A I haven't created alife where there's a lot of
helpers around, and B I nolonger have the time or the
energy or the feeling of safetyto let the people in.
(10:12):
So it's like I see I need help,I see I need to change how I'm
doing it, but it feels veryuncomfortable.
I don't know where to find thepeople.
I feel stuck in the knowingwhat I need but not being able
to execute what I need.
So I wonder how you ladies sortof got from.
Receiving help feels foreign,it feels hard.
I know I need it but I don'tknow where to find it or how to
(10:32):
let it in, to like letting it inand having a life full of the
thing that you need.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
For me, much like your cluster headaches I had to
get, I had to be broken by.
When I became a single mom,mother of three small girls.
Like I had to have help becauseI couldn't do it all, like I
couldn't, it wasn't possible forme to be in three places at
(10:59):
once or there wasn't enough ofme.
I don't think that there aremany.
I'm sure there are more powerto them, but like there's not a
for me.
I did not plan on being asingle mother and when it
happened I needed, you know, Icouldn't, I couldn't, I lost
(11:24):
control, I was broken, I lostcontrol and so I broke.
That was my, that was mypivotal moment in my life, when
I had to accept help.
I had to let someone bring me acoffee because or you know,
just like those things that whenthe people showed up, I had to
(11:45):
let them love me and serve meand support my children, because
I could not do it by myself,because I could not do it by
myself.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
I feel like and why, as moms, do we all?
Because I feel like we all feelthe pressure that we have to do
it.
I hear this from my clients allthe time.
I have to do it by myself.
I feel like I'm not holding itall together.
I feel like I have to hold ittogether.
I chose to take because, in mylife, this is my patterns.
I take the hardest roadpossible, and I'm not sure why I
do that, you know.
So, instead of post divorce,moving back around family, I
(12:22):
choose to move further away frommy family with my two year old
daughter and to a city where Iknew nobody.
Yeah, and I had to figure itout on my own.
Yeah, I don't know if I waspurposely punishing myself or
like what I was trying to do inmy life.
Right, yeah, doubling down on aprotective strategy, yeah, like
basically just building upthese huge walls, like my walls
(12:44):
were massive.
So I think just.
And then, like Joy, when Istarted realizing like, oh my
God, like I have a job wheresometimes I have evening
meetings or weekend meetings,and what am I going to do?
So then I was forced to comeout of my shell and I was forced
to start making thoseconnections with people that
could help me with my daughter,and I hated it.
(13:05):
I hated leaving her withanybody.
I hated admitting that Icouldn't do everything on my own
and that I needed help.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
Wow, maybe we don't talk about this enough as women
do we.
Is this a conversation you hearhappening on the instagram?
I do.
I recently saw someone who Ithink they're three divorced
women and they moved in togetherto do the sort of communist
style like support each otherright isn't that right like?
That's I love that's geniusright.
(13:35):
Yeah for sure.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
And why can't we ask for support from other women?
Speaker 1 (13:44):
Yeah, that feels lucky to us right Because we're
having compare and despair.
We're in low-key or high-keycompetition with yeah, she'll
think less of me.
Well does everybody freak outabout how they look on the
camera before we press record onthis podcast.
Right, it's not for us, it'sfor the way.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Like why, right, like why yeah, whatever, we're gonna
show up next week with nomakeup on no, but that's, that's
the the thing, right it's likewhat will they think of me yeah.
I think that was my thing.
I always had this appearancethat everything was being held
together, whether it was in mymarriage or in my life like I
(14:23):
never let stuff show ever, andwhen I, when all of my shit fell
apart and I came unripped atthe seams, it was bad, like it
was me out on a stage with a bigspotlight and I was terrified.
I was terrified what peoplewere going to think, what they
were going to say.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
I think that that was sort of the beauty for me in
I'm going to say quote unquotelosing it all when I got
divorced, right, losing mymarriage, you know, really had a
major break between me and somefamily members and then,
shortly thereafter that, quit myjob and started my own practice
.
And so in that sort of space iswhere I found my first bout of
freedom, right Like where Icould be myself.
(15:04):
My nervous system still didn'tfeel super safe, but for the
first time ever I felt like Icould be myself and that was
hugely, hugely, hugely freeingfor me.
And, um, I think then I foundsome courage Don't ask me how to
decide that if I could just beone of those people that put all
my faults and flaws andinsecurities and liabilities on
(15:27):
the internet, then you couldn'thurt me with them, right.
So it was sort of like I'mgoing to make peace with all
these dark, twisty places inmyself so that you can't hurt me
with it, right.
So I think that's so much aboutwhat, like on my website where
I talk about divorce and thetime I was arrested and whatever
you know, like all the things,right.
Or on the podcast, how I'vetalked about having herpes and
(15:48):
curing it with homeopathy andwhatever.
It's just very, very freeing tome to feel like if I'm just
honest and transparent, yougreat, then I've made peace with
it, and I don't, you can't,can't weaponize me with it, yeah
.
Yeah, yeah, I don't know ifthat's.
Is that true healing or is thatdefensive?
(16:11):
Maybe a little bit of both.
Speaker 3 (16:12):
Yeah, I think it is because, since I've been with
you and I, you know, havewritten my more and more of my
story to like our onlinecommunity and things like that,
and I'm pulling back all ofthese things.
And you know, when I first,like, started guesting, I told
Don, these are the certainthings that I don't want to talk
about.
And now it's kind of just like afree throw right, like now, I
really don't fucking care whatanybody knows about me, what's
(16:33):
out there, whatever it's outthere, whatever it's out there,
and I'm going to own it.
And if you bring it to me, yeah, I'm going to have a
conversation about it, like it'sfine.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
Right Shame can't live in the light.
Right Shame can't live in thelight.
Speaker 3 (16:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:44):
Yeah, so so do we still struggle with receiving
help?
The three of us like, do we?
How have we gotten good atreceiving help?
What are the little pocketswhere maybe it still feels a
little foreign even to us?
(17:04):
I have?
I would like to just say I haveturned over a lot of receiving
to the two of you over the lastcouple years, right like I have
learned to let go of so muchcontrol.
Um, yeah, for sure, but I knowthere are still spots where I'm
like Ooh little spots.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
Here and there.
I still get super proud of youand you're just like don't.
Today you were like don'tbother my brain with that
question, like it's not a detail, like I want you to handle it.
I want you to take over and Iwas like oh, okay, right,
because it's people pleasing.
I want to people please you andyou're trying to let go of the
control for me, right, but?
But I do think that there is,oh, that's a fun dance.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
I want to make you happy, butalso you're just like I trust
you, I need you to do it.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Um, which makes me happy, it was picking a color
guys, it wasn't.
But I think you think for me,what I have actually really kind
of started picking apart iswhen I am vulnerable and I ask
for help and that person isn'tcapable of meeting me where I
(18:14):
need, like coming to the table.
That is is what right now,because I I've done so much
homeopathy and I've done so muchwork around letting people love
me.
Well, it's still something I'mprobably gonna, but it's a
conscious choice now, like, oh,thank you, they're trying to
love me, right, so?
But now this week has been like, oh, that's another layer of
(18:37):
the onion that I need to work on, like understanding that I want
this person to love me.
Well, but they're not capableor they don't have the tools,
and kind of owning that andbeing okay with that, like being
vulnerable, that's myresponsibility.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Them meeting me, you know them giving as much as they
can or whatever is not mine tocarry.
So that's really reallyimportant, right, because we
sort of started with she's notcrazy, she's just been carrying
it all right.
And so in the beginning it's sohard for us to know what's mine
and what somebody else's right.
It's so hard to discern is thisperson withholding from me or
(19:20):
are they not able?
Speaker 3 (19:22):
right, are they?
Speaker 1 (19:23):
out to get me, or are they under functioning
themselves?
I don't think we realize howmuch people's nervous systems
really limit their capacity tobe the people we believe they
can be right.
That right, that, like thereare a lot of really sick and
suffering, limited nervoussystem affected humans wandering
the world, yeah, yeah.
(19:44):
And so then, yeah, we carry itall Right.
And then, when we start to bewilling to let it go, it's like,
oh, not everybody can meet me.
And then do I take thatpersonally, or do I just love
that person for where they areand move on and ask somebody
else?
Speaker 3 (20:00):
Yeah, and it's about your own vibration.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
Yes, and not internalizing that, not making
that oh, I am not good enough.
Oh, that just confirmed all myfears, all my things right,
because I put myself out thereand I you know vulnerable-y
something, and that justconfirmed that it's my I am the
problem, but no, nope, and Ithink it's about just continuing
(20:29):
to find your people.
Speaker 3 (20:31):
Continuing to find the people that do show up for
you and that do make you feelsafe and seen.
Continuing to find the peoplethat do show up for you and that
do make you feel safe and seen,like even now in my life.
I the other day I was having aconversation with my partner and
he goes well, you need me to dothe backyard and I'm like how
so, how so?
You know?
like hyper independent likewhatever he's like.
(20:52):
Well, I tried to get you toturn on the weed whacker and
like you couldn't crank it and Iwas like I figured it out.
I sit out there all day beforeI would come in here and ask you
.
But you know what I mean.
But it's like and he justlaughs because he knows that's
how I am.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
But why?
Speaker 2 (21:17):
do I have to say that Like?
Why do I have to prove that Idon't need anybody in this life?
Yes, yes, yes, because I doLike I do.
Oh, that's super interesting,can we take?
Speaker 1 (21:21):
it to the really vulnerable place team, like
really vulnerable.
It's my favorite place to be.
Oh shit, what's she about tosay?
So tiffer, doodle, right, likethat's part of the you really
leaning in all the way in overhere, like letting me depend on
you, right, like we.
So we, we talk about how I hadto work through things to be
able to depend on you, but foryou to let me depend on you
(21:45):
knocks on what wall.
Speaker 3 (21:47):
Having to trust you fully.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
Especially when it comes to money, and we all know
I have an issue with scarcityUh-huh, and money Uh-huh.
I'm a control freak.
And I do lots of spreadsheets.
Yeah, yeah, and Dawn keepstelling me that it's fucking
working against you right now.
Your spreadsheets are workingagainst you, yep.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
Well, because you're a non-specific manifester.
Speaker 3 (22:18):
For a specific manifester or spreadsheets are
great right, yeah, but Imanifest feelings more than like
.
That's what I've learned.
It's not details.
It's about the feeling that Iwant to get from the outcome
that I need, right, but yeah,for me, yeah, when Dawn's like
hey, like step up, I need.
Like I had to make a decision.
You know, I had to make adecision on do I pursue this or
do I pursue that, and I decidedI was just going to jump all in
with Don, and so that's whatwe're doing.
(22:39):
And there was a moment whereI'm like, oh shit, you know what
I mean.
Like I'm trusting this otherperson to, like I'm trusting
that everything's going to beokay, and like we have it
together.
And but once I did that, once Ilet go of that, oh God, it's
been beautiful.
Like we have just all beenrunning like on all cylinders.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
That's the thing, right, flow state me trusting
you, you trusting me, okay, sojoyous right in this thing about
being seen and held and saferight To receive.
So just this last week, right,I was out and you had a, you had
a.
Oh, before I left.
Right, I had given you a remedy, and so there was this sort of
all this beautiful bubbling upthat happened from the remedy,
(23:18):
right, but, then we needed afollow-up consult because there
was some symptoms that came upRight, and they were in the
physical realm, because the mindand the body are intrinsically
linked Right, and so I'm out oftown, but we're working it Right
.
And I saw you, I saw you and Iknew, and I knew, and I knew, I
knew, I knew, but you were likeno, she can't see.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
No, she can't, and I said that to you, I was just
like.
So when you're working on thereally deep um and really deep
constitutional side ofhomeopathy, sometimes you get a,
um symbolism, like you get a,you get a symptom that comes up
so like some people will getlike a cold sore in the mouth
(23:55):
Right.
So it's.
It's basically your body's wayof purging your energy or
whatever.
And so I tried.
I started this new remedy ofgenerational stuff that I
inherited Right and on on.
Within 10 minutes, Iimmediately start feeling
physical symptoms and in my headI'm thinking like toxic shock
(24:20):
syndrome or like there's kidneystones, like there's something
physically wrong with me.
That and you were like it'semotional, it's emotional.
I'm like, no, it hurts too bad,like there is something
physically wrong with me, and Ipushed back and I treated what I
thought it was and I spentthree days in pain because I was
(24:41):
determined that Dawn was wrong.
This is not emotional, this isphysical.
I have a kidney stone, I have athing like something, like
something is wrong with me, andI got a little bit better, but I
didn't like.
Then I started getting worseagain and so I I had to grovel
to Dawn and be like, okay, I didit my way, and now I'm going to
go do it your way, because,because it's like it's emotional
(25:04):
, like there's something there,and it was horribly hard for me
not to admit that Dawn's right,because she's always right, but
like, um, like it was reallyhard for me to admit that Don's
right, because she's alwaysright, but like, um, like, it
was horribly hard for me toadmit that this was go ahead.
It's funny, but it was horriblyhard for me to admit that this
(25:26):
was emotional because of whatthat implied and I didn't want
to face that.
I didn't the the things that myfamily have done or the things
that people who are close to mehave done, and I've and I've
accepted and I've just taken itand I've just you know whether I
(25:48):
didn't know any better orwhatever inherited it doesn't
matter but like being able tosit with the emotional side of
myself and the emotional, yes,and the heart of letting go of
control and letting go of meneeding to be right or letting
go of that bear, the truth thatI can bear and I can bear
(26:15):
witness to that I'm, I'm workingthrough it and I'm owning,
owning it myself.
But it's a very hard pill toswallow when you're looking in
the mirror or looking back andseeing the emotional side that
manifests in physical, becauseif I, if I'm wrong, that means
(26:38):
she's right.
But it also means that there isa like, a really darkness in me
that I don't want to face.
Um, because I like being lightand love and I own that.
But having that, that piece ofme, that darkness that was in me
(27:03):
, of a quality that nobody wants, nobody wants to have, that you
know, yeah, so like I reallyjust think that from my aspect,
it was being able to face myself, face my um, inherited, face,
my story, in a light that isn'tlove and light and it's darkness
(27:27):
and it has those qualities thatnobody really wants to own.
And it's all about integratingthose parts and accepting those
parts, because I can't becomethe person that God created me
to become with all of this,without facing it, without
owning it, without embracing it.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
Yeah, and that so beautifully said right is, I
think, the other secret reasonwhy women carry it all right.
It's really cute for us to saywe carry it all because no one
shows up, but how often is itthat we insist on continuing to
carry it?
We're not in on our own joke.
We insist on continuing to carryit, for example, as Tiffany
(28:09):
said, because then it meant shewas going to have to trust me
too.
Or your experience was meantyou were going to have to face
darkness.
That was really deeply painfulto face, right.
And that is what integrationdoes it leads to self-worth, it
leads to self-acceptance, andthat's where freedom lies, which
takes us right into the nextsegment of the episode, right?
Which is how do we find freedomand clarity?
(28:30):
And unfortunately, it's throughthe fucking hard path of facing
our shadows, our demons ourdeepest fears.
Yeah, yeah, joy, you and I wereon a call with someone this
morning who's talking about umjoining a different D word, this
next right.
And and I was like tell meabout your concerns.
She's like concerns, you know,like almost like there are no
(28:52):
concerns, right.
And then by the very end of thecall, like here came these
tears and like okay, here's whatmy concern would be Right.
And it's like that, yes, thatright.
Whatever the thing is thatyou're terrified to talk about
or to have someone find out orto work through or to
acknowledge or to explore, likethat's the thing you need a
community and a safe place,because that's that's where you
(29:13):
find freedom.
Freedom comes through releasingthe darkest, ugliest parts of
ourselves.
Yeah, yep, so let's talk alittle bit about what our paths
to freedom have looked like andwhy the path to freedom that we
offer women is completelydifferent from other paths.
We know they've tried, right?
(29:34):
Like how many women do we talkto and they're like I have done
all the things and I am stillstuck, which is so infuriating,
right?
So what have your experiencesbeen with that, your path to
like freedom?
You know?
Speaker 3 (29:49):
For me, there is a distinct difference between the
clients I work with who are onhomeopathy versus the ones that
are not.
And for me you know I'm thedissociation queen- that was
always my choice.
I could shut it down and numbout like no other, so I feel
like I did, which is a period.
Speaker 1 (30:09):
It's like, that's like like um disassociation.
Right Is like freedoms dark,twisted sister right.
It's like it's like there'sfreedom like true freedom, right
, I can be authentic andintegrated and whatever, and
then?
But before I actually know howto access freedom,
disassociation is my version ofit, right, yeah?
Speaker 3 (30:31):
Yeah, yeah.
And I mean don recently put meon a remedy to start integrating
all of my parts.
And it was funny because thefirst time that I took the
remedy I dissociated right away,right away, within five minutes
, and then I lost the bottle inmy car and don's like you did
that on purpose and I'm like no.
I really lost it.
So then she sends me another,more potent bottle, and so now
(30:56):
I've been taking that and it'slike what Joy said, right, like
all of these parts integrating,I think, facing the dark parts
of your story.
You know, I always know whenwomen are on the transcending
part of their healing journey,when they can take a step back
and look at themselves and seetheir part in the divorce, their
part in their story, and wherethey're no longer afraid of it,
(31:17):
ashamed of it.
The homeopathy gets you thereso much quicker, and I do feel
like that is.
The difference in our programis that when you come in from
day one, you are alreadyreceiving remedies.
You are already.
We're giving you things to helpyou not dissociate.
We're giving you things to helptranscend that healing and
while they're not alwayscomfortable, we go very, very
(31:39):
deep to make sure that theresults that you get at the end
of this program are exactly whatyou came in wanting.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Yeah, the path to freedom is not uh, it's not all
rainbows and butterflies,although there's a remedy called
rainbow and I you know.
I'm happy to give it to you.
But we must balance our rainbowremedies with our dark, twisty
remedies.
Speaker 3 (32:03):
Yeah, since for 10 years, you know.
So, in that 10 year period oflull where I was single and
trying to figure everything outand thinking I was, quote,
unquote, healed, I wasjournaling, I was reading the
books, I was you know, doingyoga.
I was trying to meditate.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
That's all great Right.
Speaker 3 (32:22):
Yes, but I was still learning, yeah, yeah.
So what am I doing?
Speaker 1 (32:26):
Yeah, you were amassing a body of knowledge
that then, when you had the keyin the lock right, it all
integrates.
It all jumps into your yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:37):
Tiffany, I literally said this to my husband this
weekend because I was workingthrough not this weekend, this
week, it was like two days ago Iwas working through all this
stuff of okay.
Now I have to admit it'semotional.
Now I have to admit that thereis something, and I've had that
(32:59):
conversation.
I literally said that, likewhat if this is it?
I've done the EMDR, I've donethe journaling, I've done this.
What if this is the thing thatI've needed to face and to
accept and to work throughhomeopathically for me to be
able to let this last piece ofmyself or the last piece of this
(33:19):
puzzle go?
Like letting it go, because youcannot do it.
Speaker 3 (33:26):
Yeah, For me it's been this beautiful journey
homeopathically where thisremedy for me came at the right
time, and it's scary because itshows me all of my darkest parts
.
Speaker 2 (33:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (33:39):
And it's like, okay, we're going to accept all of
these dark parts and all ofthese light parts, and then
we're going to find a way toblend them beautifully.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
And.
Speaker 3 (33:47):
I've noticed changes in my personality.
I've noticed changes in the waythat I'm showing up for people,
that I'm reacting to things,everything about me, since I've
been on this remedy.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
I feel more like myself on this remedy than I
have in a very, very long time,because even in my own healing
journey, with everything thatI've done in the modalities, I
still have a tendency to pushthe bad away and to not embrace
the darkness, where now it'slike everything is coming
together and I can say I canalso use this for good and this
(34:16):
is part of me and it's fuckingamazing it's so interesting
hearing your journeys with thisintegration of darkness, right,
and I just think about all thosenights I would sit with cluster
headaches and I know that theycaused a lot of disassociation
(34:42):
because the pain was so intense,it's like.
But then I got to this point inthe journey where I was like,
okay, I have to learn how to bewith the pain, because I really
believed always that it waspurposeful, that God wasn't like
just smiting me um smote.
I wasn't smoting, um.
So I was like, okay, this painis my teacher, I'm going to
(35:05):
welcome it in, right, and Iwould sit with this unbearable
pain and I I know that I wasstill highly dissociated and all
the things right but I wouldsit with the pain and I would
sing songs.
You guys, if you've heard thepodcast episode where I sing
songs, right, a lot of thingsthat I've done to heal have come
via me learning how to sit withthe heaviest pain and that
(35:31):
really is the key right To sitwith and hold space and have
compassion and curiosity andlove for the darkest, darkest,
heaviest pains and I know ourlisteners feel heavy.
I know they would, you know whatthey wouldn't give to exchange
that heaviness for freedom.
But I think, if the three of usare any example, it's like we
(35:51):
say we would do anything toexchange heaviness for freedom
but like actually we wouldbackpedal a whole lot along the
way, because that's what it isto be human right.
It's like, yeah, yeah.
So to the woman that has askedherself too many times am I
(36:11):
crazy?
No, I've just been holding itall right now.
What do we want her to reallycarry with her this week, right?
What do we want her to place inher heart as she moves through
the week and is like I am sotired of this shit.
Speaker 3 (36:27):
There is a way to get to the other side.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
Joy's voice said she liked it, but her face said she
didn't.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
No, no, no.
I was thinking I was going adifferent direction and then
Tiffany said that and I'm likeoh yes, you know, like there is
light at the end of the tunnel.
I was going in the direction of, like my mind went to you don't
have to carry it all.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
But will you trust us to carry it with you?
Speaker 2 (36:59):
Will you trust us.
Speaker 1 (37:01):
To carry it with you.
Yeah, ooh, I think we leave itthere.
Yeah, and if not us, then who?
And is the who that you selectto joy's point, mid, mid role?
Right, do they have thecapacity?
Are you sure?
Right?
Yeah, because that's what leadsto the circle continuing, that
(37:24):
where you feel crazy, right isyou?
They said they would help andthen you asked for help and then
they didn't help, and then it'slike like, well, it must be me,
right, right.
Okay, at the top of the episodeyou heard our fun new rollout of
our nervous system griefhormone mapping quiz thingy doey
.
Uh, if you have not taken thequiz yet, if you scroll all the
(37:46):
way down to the bottom of theshow notes, highly recommend
super fun.
When you get your quiz results,you get some recommendations of
things to do, right, there's ahormone recovery guide that you
can download, there's some blogposts and podcast episodes that
tie into the quiz results and,of course, there's an
opportunity to book a call withus.
But we'd love for you to takethe quiz and see if it connects
(38:08):
some dots for you, right?
So, definitely, definitely wantto welcome you, to scroll to
the bottom of the show notes andto take that bad boy.
We love you so much.
Peace, dear Divorce Diary is apodcast by MyCoachDawn.
(38:30):
You can find more atMycoachdawncom.
If you've been holding your world together
alone since the divorce, runningon fumes, running the show
quietly, running out of steam,the forgetfulness, the
exhaustion, the reactivity.
It's your nervous systemshowing you the cost of being
the one who always shows up,even when no one else does.
Today we're talking about whyit's actually hard for you to
(00:24):
accept help.
That's weird, because it's thething you need most and how
learning to let go of the lifeyou imagine can open the door to
real freedom, the thing you'recraving.
Hi love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
(00:47):
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
Confidence after divorce.
(01:13):
In today's episode, we're goingto talk about the exceptionally,
far too long history of no oneshowing up for you consistently.
We're going to acknowledge howyou've been there for everyone
your kids, your ex, your friends, your coworkers but when you
need someone to carry a piece ofyour load, it feels like the
room gets quiet.
And we're going to talk abouthow sometimes that's a very real
pattern and how sometimes it'sa perceived pattern.
But we're also going to talkabout the difficulty receiving
(01:37):
help, because sometimes helpfeels foreign or we feel guilty
or like there's going to be somestring attached or some
repayment involved, and theanxiety we feel about actually
receiving help and maybe feelinglike a burden, that sort of
tenseness that when somebody istrying to give you something
feels uncomfortable.
And then we're going to wrap itup by talking about how to
cultivate actual freedom.
Right, because it doesn't justmean more time or less stress,
(02:00):
but it's this sort of physical,emotional and mental space to be
yourself without bracing forthe next demand.
And I know when I said withoutbracing, you were like that.
That's the thing.
So at the end of the episodewe're going to talk about how to
cultivate the kind of freedomthat lives in your nervous
system.
Hi, loves, hey.
(02:22):
Hi Hi, hi, loves, hey, let'stalk about how it feels like no
one shows up.
No one shows up, right?
I know that that's a pattern.
I think for most of us began inour childhood this idea that we
were doing emotional labor onthe behalf of our family systems
(02:43):
.
I think a long time right.
When we have sort of anxious ordisorganized attachment styles,
it's like literally right LikeI cried and no one showed up.
Actually I was.
I was colicky and I thinkpeople did show up, but I think,
um, it couldn't penetrate.
The colic I've learned actuallywas a.
It was a symptom of my parents'marriage and of my mom's
(03:04):
vibration while she was carryingme, and so it's like all that I
was already carrying it when Iwas born.
It was already hard for them toconsole me when I was born
Right, and so it's like I justfrom go, I had all of that in my
body.
So no one shows up for me.
What's your lady's experiencewith feeling that in your lives,
your childhoods, your marriages, your post-marriage sit-chews?
Speaker 3 (03:29):
I was always the friend who checked on my friends
.
I was always the anchor of myfriend groups, even from
elementary school, like I canremember just being the friend
that always showed up for myfriends who were crying, who
were upset that day, and I thinkit was a way for me to deflect
from my own issues at the time.
(03:49):
So I just remember just beingthe strong one always, and my
friends always seen me as thispowerhouse of a woman and I feel
like I've always had this hardexterior always, and people just
always perceive that I'm okay,that I have it together, that
everything's fine, because Idon't show it, I don't cry a lot
(04:10):
, I don't complain a lot, I justkind of go along with it.
So I'm the one that everybodyforgets to check on.
That's been my experience untilI met you guys, but up until
that, yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:25):
Wow.
Speaker 2 (04:28):
You can definitely relate.
It's the, it's the, my manager,the people pleasing manager,
that people like me If I have itall together, people like me if
I am the like I a part of myidentity I carried for years and
years and years was the serving, like showing up for people.
That is what I do, that is whoI am, that's what you know what
(04:50):
I mean.
And so, a I couldn't, I didn'tattract the people that served
me.
But B when I started finallyattracting those people that
wanted to love me well and serveme well, I couldn't accept it
because it was so ingrained inme that the core belief I wasn't
(05:14):
worthy, I wasn't good enoughfor them to serve me, and so it
was almost like I couldn't evensee them.
Because it was so trained, Iwas so focused on my identity as
serving others that peopleserving me meant that I wasn't
(05:36):
good enough, like I failed.
Speaker 3 (05:41):
I would fail if someone tried to help me because
I didn't have them all together, I feel like I had a little bit
of that too, joy, like I wasalways hyper independent, full
of checklists all the time ofthings that I need to do, mm-hmm
, and I just felt like it waskind of like this guard on my
(06:03):
heart that if I handle it all,I'll never be disappointed
because, I know that I canhandle my shit.
Speaker 1 (06:13):
Isn't it cute, the lies we tell ourselves to
survive.
I said for a long time thatcluster headaches is the thing
that broke me of that hyperindependence because I couldn't
write like it made it physicallyimpossible for me to handle my
life.
It literally took God sending.
I don't think that God sendscluster headaches right.
I think that I lived my life ina way that led to cluster
(06:34):
headaches right, but massivetrauma response but like it
physically broke me.
Yeah, I couldn't, I couldn'tcouldn't carry right and I still
did carry.
I literally like, still workedand carried a pregnancy and
whatever.
But there was a lot of things Idid have to put down, give up
or receive help for, and itwasn't because I chose, it was
because, yeah, I was socollapsed well, I remember when
(06:55):
you had that thing with yourfoot, uh-huh, and that was like
a few months ago yeah, yeah,yeah, right, rehabbing my
kidneys.
Yeah, so I ended up in awheelchair for a day and yeah,
and then, and then I couldn'tkeep up with my family and I
felt really not okay Panickythat I couldn't lead the pack.
Yeah, so it still sneaks inthere.
Speaker 3 (07:15):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (07:18):
Feeling behind.
Or yeah, like I can't be incontrol.
Speaker 2 (07:22):
Yeah, like it can't be in control.
Yeah, yeah, that's probably abig one.
Control, yeah, as women right.
Speaker 1 (07:32):
Mm-hmm.
Well, and I think that's howmany of us learn to create a
sense of safety which isn'tactually control is not a sense
of safety.
Right, and that's sort of whatthis episode is about.
Is like freedom is right andsecurity is what feels like
safety.
But most of us have been usingcontrol to create a sense of
safety and security and that'snot actually it.
That's actually a wound,fucking tight nervous system.
(07:53):
That's not.
That's the opposite of safety.
Right, but it's what we haveled ourselves to believe, which
is fascinating.
And then we wonder why our hairis falling out and our thyroids
aren't functioning and ourhormones are all screwed up and
whatever.
And it's because of themechanisms we've been using to
try to find wellness and theydon't work.
Speaker 3 (08:12):
They temporarily work , I suppose, and that's what I
experienced for 10 years.
I thought I was healed.
Speaker 2 (08:17):
quote unquote after my divorce.
Speaker 1 (08:20):
Yes.
Speaker 3 (08:21):
And I wasn't.
I simply was never allowinganybody in, right, I didn't.
I simply was never allowinganybody in Right, I didn't allow
people close to me, you know,because I was a control freak
and I just, if I can, pusheverybody away.
I'm never going to experiencehurt or pain or fear or anything
like that again, I feel like mydivorce felt very out of
control and I never wanted tofeel that way again.
Speaker 1 (08:43):
Yes, yeah, yes, I feel the same.
I just took a very different uh.
I was like I, this feels veryout of control and I don't want
to feel this way ever again.
And then, therefore, I'm goingto do every healing thing I
could ever do.
So that right, I'm going tocontrol it by like doing it.
Right, yeah, and even still,that didn't work right, because
(09:04):
the whole thing is is we have toget to safety, a sense of
security and safety for ournervous systems to exhale and to
put our burdens down.
Right.
We have to actually feel safe,to feel, and that's, I think,
the thing that most women can'tfigure out these days.
Right Is how to feel safeenough to feel all the things
and still feel safe.
That's where we're stuck.
(09:27):
Yeah, so let's talk a littlebit about receiving help,
feeling foreign, right, becauseit's like, okay, look at the
three of us, right, threebadasses, if I might say so
myself.
But how we trained ourselves inthe world around us, right, to
not need other people or to notlet help in.
And, and there's this catch 22,22 I feel like happens with
women and I wonder if you ladiescould talk about this where we
(09:49):
know the thing we need but wecan't figure out how to bridge
the gap from I know the thing Ineed to being able to receive
the thing I need, right, so, forinstance, like I need a lot of
help, but A I haven't created alife where there's a lot of
helpers around, and B I nolonger have the time or the
energy or the feeling of safetyto let the people in.
(10:12):
So it's like I see I need help,I see I need to change how I'm
doing it, but it feels veryuncomfortable.
I don't know where to find thepeople.
I feel stuck in the knowingwhat I need but not being able
to execute what I need.
So I wonder how you ladies sortof got from.
Receiving help feels foreign,it feels hard.
I know I need it but I don'tknow where to find it or how to
(10:32):
let it in, to like letting it inand having a life full of the
thing that you need.
Speaker 2 (10:38):
For me, much like your cluster headaches I had to
get, I had to be broken by.
When I became a single mom,mother of three small girls.
Like I had to have help becauseI couldn't do it all, like I
couldn't, it wasn't possible forme to be in three places at
(10:59):
once or there wasn't enough ofme.
I don't think that there aremany.
I'm sure there are more powerto them, but like there's not a
for me.
I did not plan on being asingle mother and when it
happened I needed, you know, Icouldn't, I couldn't, I lost
(11:24):
control, I was broken, I lostcontrol and so I broke.
That was my, that was mypivotal moment in my life, when
I had to accept help.
I had to let someone bring me acoffee because or you know,
just like those things that whenthe people showed up, I had to
(11:45):
let them love me and serve meand support my children, because
I could not do it by myself,because I could not do it by
myself.
Speaker 3 (12:00):
I feel like and why, as moms, do we all?
Because I feel like we all feelthe pressure that we have to do
it.
I hear this from my clients allthe time.
I have to do it by myself.
I feel like I'm not holding itall together.
I feel like I have to hold ittogether.
I chose to take because, in mylife, this is my patterns.
I take the hardest roadpossible, and I'm not sure why I
do that, you know.
So, instead of post divorce,moving back around family, I
(12:22):
choose to move further away frommy family with my two year old
daughter and to a city where Iknew nobody.
Yeah, and I had to figure itout on my own.
Yeah, I don't know if I waspurposely punishing myself or
like what I was trying to do inmy life.
Right, yeah, doubling down on aprotective strategy, yeah, like
basically just building upthese huge walls, like my walls
(12:44):
were massive.
So I think just.
And then, like Joy, when Istarted realizing like, oh my
God, like I have a job wheresometimes I have evening
meetings or weekend meetings,and what am I going to do?
So then I was forced to comeout of my shell and I was forced
to start making thoseconnections with people that
could help me with my daughter,and I hated it.
(13:05):
I hated leaving her withanybody.
I hated admitting that Icouldn't do everything on my own
and that I needed help.
Speaker 1 (13:14):
Wow, maybe we don't talk about this enough as women
do we.
Is this a conversation you hearhappening on the instagram?
I do.
I recently saw someone who Ithink they're three divorced
women and they moved in togetherto do the sort of communist
style like support each otherright isn't that right like?
That's I love that's geniusright.
(13:35):
Yeah for sure.
Speaker 3 (13:36):
And why can't we ask for support from other women?
Speaker 1 (13:44):
Yeah, that feels lucky to us right Because we're
having compare and despair.
We're in low-key or high-keycompetition with yeah, she'll
think less of me.
Well does everybody freak outabout how they look on the
camera before we press record onthis podcast.
Right, it's not for us, it'sfor the way.
Speaker 3 (14:03):
Like why, right, like why yeah, whatever, we're gonna
show up next week with nomakeup on no, but that's, that's
the the thing, right it's likewhat will they think of me yeah.
I think that was my thing.
I always had this appearancethat everything was being held
together, whether it was in mymarriage or in my life like I
(14:23):
never let stuff show ever, andwhen I, when all of my shit fell
apart and I came unripped atthe seams, it was bad, like it
was me out on a stage with a bigspotlight and I was terrified.
I was terrified what peoplewere going to think, what they
were going to say.
Speaker 1 (14:41):
I think that that was sort of the beauty for me in
I'm going to say quote unquotelosing it all when I got
divorced, right, losing mymarriage, you know, really had a
major break between me and somefamily members and then,
shortly thereafter that, quit myjob and started my own practice
.
And so in that sort of space iswhere I found my first bout of
freedom, right Like where Icould be myself.
(15:04):
My nervous system still didn'tfeel super safe, but for the
first time ever I felt like Icould be myself and that was
hugely, hugely, hugely freeingfor me.
And, um, I think then I foundsome courage Don't ask me how to
decide that if I could just beone of those people that put all
my faults and flaws andinsecurities and liabilities on
(15:27):
the internet, then you couldn'thurt me with them, right.
So it was sort of like I'mgoing to make peace with all
these dark, twisty places inmyself so that you can't hurt me
with it, right.
So I think that's so much aboutwhat, like on my website where
I talk about divorce and thetime I was arrested and whatever
you know, like all the things,right.
Or on the podcast, how I'vetalked about having herpes and
(15:48):
curing it with homeopathy andwhatever.
It's just very, very freeing tome to feel like if I'm just
honest and transparent, yougreat, then I've made peace with
it, and I don't, you can't,can't weaponize me with it, yeah
.
Yeah, yeah, I don't know ifthat's.
Is that true healing or is thatdefensive?
(16:11):
Maybe a little bit of both.
Speaker 3 (16:12):
Yeah, I think it is because, since I've been with
you and I, you know, havewritten my more and more of my
story to like our onlinecommunity and things like that,
and I'm pulling back all ofthese things.
And you know, when I first,like, started guesting, I told
Don, these are the certainthings that I don't want to talk
about.
And now it's kind of just like afree throw right, like now, I
really don't fucking care whatanybody knows about me, what's
(16:33):
out there, whatever it's outthere, whatever it's out there,
and I'm going to own it.
And if you bring it to me, yeah, I'm going to have a
conversation about it, like it'sfine.
Speaker 1 (16:40):
Right Shame can't live in the light.
Right Shame can't live in thelight.
Speaker 3 (16:43):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:44):
Yeah, so so do we still struggle with receiving
help?
The three of us like, do we?
How have we gotten good atreceiving help?
What are the little pocketswhere maybe it still feels a
little foreign even to us?
(17:04):
I have?
I would like to just say I haveturned over a lot of receiving
to the two of you over the lastcouple years, right like I have
learned to let go of so muchcontrol.
Um, yeah, for sure, but I knowthere are still spots where I'm
like Ooh little spots.
Speaker 2 (17:21):
Here and there.
I still get super proud of youand you're just like don't.
Today you were like don'tbother my brain with that
question, like it's not a detail, like I want you to handle it.
I want you to take over and Iwas like oh, okay, right,
because it's people pleasing.
I want to people please you andyou're trying to let go of the
control for me, right, but?
But I do think that there is,oh, that's a fun dance.
Speaker 1 (17:45):
Uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh.
I want to make you happy, butalso you're just like I trust
you, I need you to do it.
Speaker 2 (17:50):
Um, which makes me happy, it was picking a color
guys, it wasn't.
But I think you think for me,what I have actually really kind
of started picking apart iswhen I am vulnerable and I ask
for help and that person isn'tcapable of meeting me where I
(18:14):
need, like coming to the table.
That is is what right now,because I I've done so much
homeopathy and I've done so muchwork around letting people love
me.
Well, it's still something I'mprobably gonna, but it's a
conscious choice now, like, oh,thank you, they're trying to
love me, right, so?
But now this week has been like, oh, that's another layer of
(18:37):
the onion that I need to work on, like understanding that I want
this person to love me.
Well, but they're not capableor they don't have the tools,
and kind of owning that andbeing okay with that, like being
vulnerable, that's myresponsibility.
Speaker 1 (18:58):
Them meeting me, you know them giving as much as they
can or whatever is not mine tocarry.
So that's really reallyimportant, right, because we
sort of started with she's notcrazy, she's just been carrying
it all right.
And so in the beginning it's sohard for us to know what's mine
and what somebody else's right.
It's so hard to discern is thisperson withholding from me or
(19:20):
are they not able?
Speaker 3 (19:22):
right, are they?
Speaker 1 (19:23):
out to get me, or are they under functioning
themselves?
I don't think we realize howmuch people's nervous systems
really limit their capacity tobe the people we believe they
can be right.
That right, that, like thereare a lot of really sick and
suffering, limited nervoussystem affected humans wandering
the world, yeah, yeah.
(19:44):
And so then, yeah, we carry itall Right.
And then, when we start to bewilling to let it go, it's like,
oh, not everybody can meet me.
And then do I take thatpersonally, or do I just love
that person for where they areand move on and ask somebody
else?
Speaker 3 (20:00):
Yeah, and it's about your own vibration.
Speaker 2 (20:04):
Yes, and not internalizing that, not making
that oh, I am not good enough.
Oh, that just confirmed all myfears, all my things right,
because I put myself out thereand I you know vulnerable-y
something, and that justconfirmed that it's my I am the
problem, but no, nope, and Ithink it's about just continuing
(20:29):
to find your people.
Speaker 3 (20:31):
Continuing to find the people that do show up for
you and that do make you feelsafe and seen.
Continuing to find the peoplethat do show up for you and that
do make you feel safe and seen,like even now in my life.
I the other day I was having aconversation with my partner and
he goes well, you need me to dothe backyard and I'm like how
so, how so?
You know?
like hyper independent likewhatever he's like.
(20:52):
Well, I tried to get you toturn on the weed whacker and
like you couldn't crank it and Iwas like I figured it out.
I sit out there all day beforeI would come in here and ask you
.
But you know what I mean.
But it's like and he justlaughs because he knows that's
how I am.
Speaker 1 (21:17):
But why?
Speaker 2 (21:17):
do I have to say that Like?
Why do I have to prove that Idon't need anybody in this life?
Yes, yes, yes, because I doLike I do.
Oh, that's super interesting,can we take?
Speaker 1 (21:21):
it to the really vulnerable place team, like
really vulnerable.
It's my favorite place to be.
Oh shit, what's she about tosay?
So tiffer, doodle, right, likethat's part of the you really
leaning in all the way in overhere, like letting me depend on
you, right, like we.
So we, we talk about how I hadto work through things to be
able to depend on you, but foryou to let me depend on you
(21:45):
knocks on what wall.
Speaker 3 (21:47):
Having to trust you fully.
Speaker 1 (21:50):
Uh-huh, yeah, uh-huh.
Speaker 3 (21:53):
Especially when it comes to money, and we all know
I have an issue with scarcityUh-huh, and money Uh-huh.
I'm a control freak.
And I do lots of spreadsheets.
Yeah, yeah, and Dawn keepstelling me that it's fucking
working against you right now.
Your spreadsheets are workingagainst you, yep.
Speaker 1 (22:08):
Well, because you're a non-specific manifester.
Speaker 3 (22:18):
For a specific manifester or spreadsheets are
great right, yeah, but Imanifest feelings more than like
.
That's what I've learned.
It's not details.
It's about the feeling that Iwant to get from the outcome
that I need, right, but yeah,for me, yeah, when Dawn's like
hey, like step up, I need.
Like I had to make a decision.
You know, I had to make adecision on do I pursue this or
do I pursue that, and I decidedI was just going to jump all in
with Don, and so that's whatwe're doing.
(22:39):
And there was a moment whereI'm like, oh shit, you know what
I mean.
Like I'm trusting this otherperson to, like I'm trusting
that everything's going to beokay, and like we have it
together.
And but once I did that, once Ilet go of that, oh God, it's
been beautiful.
Like we have just all beenrunning like on all cylinders.
Speaker 1 (22:57):
That's the thing, right, flow state me trusting
you, you trusting me, okay, sojoyous right in this thing about
being seen and held and saferight To receive.
So just this last week, right,I was out and you had a, you had
a.
Oh, before I left.
Right, I had given you a remedy, and so there was this sort of
all this beautiful bubbling upthat happened from the remedy,
(23:18):
right, but, then we needed afollow-up consult because there
was some symptoms that came upRight, and they were in the
physical realm, because the mindand the body are intrinsically
linked Right, and so I'm out oftown, but we're working it Right
.
And I saw you, I saw you and Iknew, and I knew, and I knew, I
knew, I knew, but you were likeno, she can't see.
Speaker 2 (23:34):
No, she can't, and I said that to you, I was just
like.
So when you're working on thereally deep um and really deep
constitutional side ofhomeopathy, sometimes you get a,
um symbolism, like you get a,you get a symptom that comes up
so like some people will getlike a cold sore in the mouth
(23:55):
Right.
So it's.
It's basically your body's wayof purging your energy or
whatever.
And so I tried.
I started this new remedy ofgenerational stuff that I
inherited Right and on on.
Within 10 minutes, Iimmediately start feeling
physical symptoms and in my headI'm thinking like toxic shock
(24:20):
syndrome or like there's kidneystones, like there's something
physically wrong with me.
That and you were like it'semotional, it's emotional.
I'm like, no, it hurts too bad,like there is something
physically wrong with me, and Ipushed back and I treated what I
thought it was and I spentthree days in pain because I was
(24:41):
determined that Dawn was wrong.
This is not emotional, this isphysical.
I have a kidney stone, I have athing like something, like
something is wrong with me, andI got a little bit better, but I
didn't like.
Then I started getting worseagain and so I I had to grovel
to Dawn and be like, okay, I didit my way, and now I'm going to
go do it your way, because,because it's like it's emotional
(25:04):
, like there's something there,and it was horribly hard for me
not to admit that Dawn's right,because she's always right, but
like, um, like it was reallyhard for me to admit that Don's
right, because she's alwaysright, but like, um, like, it
was horribly hard for me toadmit that this was go ahead.
It's funny, but it was horriblyhard for me to admit that this
(25:26):
was emotional because of whatthat implied and I didn't want
to face that.
I didn't the the things that myfamily have done or the things
that people who are close to mehave done, and I've and I've
accepted and I've just taken itand I've just you know whether I
(25:48):
didn't know any better orwhatever inherited it doesn't
matter but like being able tosit with the emotional side of
myself and the emotional, yes,and the heart of letting go of
control and letting go of meneeding to be right or letting
go of that bear, the truth thatI can bear and I can bear
(26:15):
witness to that I'm, I'm workingthrough it and I'm owning,
owning it myself.
But it's a very hard pill toswallow when you're looking in
the mirror or looking back andseeing the emotional side that
manifests in physical, becauseif I, if I'm wrong, that means
(26:38):
she's right.
But it also means that there isa like, a really darkness in me
that I don't want to face.
Um, because I like being lightand love and I own that.
But having that, that piece ofme, that darkness that was in me
(27:03):
, of a quality that nobody wants, nobody wants to have, that you
know, yeah, so like I reallyjust think that from my aspect,
it was being able to face myself, face my um, inherited, face,
my story, in a light that isn'tlove and light and it's darkness
(27:27):
and it has those qualities thatnobody really wants to own.
And it's all about integratingthose parts and accepting those
parts, because I can't becomethe person that God created me
to become with all of this,without facing it, without
owning it, without embracing it.
Speaker 1 (27:48):
Yeah, and that so beautifully said right is, I
think, the other secret reasonwhy women carry it all right.
It's really cute for us to saywe carry it all because no one
shows up, but how often is itthat we insist on continuing to
carry it?
We're not in on our own joke.
We insist on continuing to carryit, for example, as Tiffany
(28:09):
said, because then it meant shewas going to have to trust me
too.
Or your experience was meantyou were going to have to face
darkness.
That was really deeply painfulto face, right.
And that is what integrationdoes it leads to self-worth, it
leads to self-acceptance, andthat's where freedom lies, which
takes us right into the nextsegment of the episode, right?
Which is how do we find freedomand clarity?
(28:30):
And unfortunately, it's throughthe fucking hard path of facing
our shadows, our demons ourdeepest fears.
Yeah, yeah, joy, you and I wereon a call with someone this
morning who's talking about umjoining a different D word, this
next right.
And and I was like tell meabout your concerns.
She's like concerns, you know,like almost like there are no
(28:52):
concerns, right.
And then by the very end of thecall, like here came these
tears and like okay, here's whatmy concern would be Right.
And it's like that, yes, thatright.
Whatever the thing is thatyou're terrified to talk about
or to have someone find out orto work through or to
acknowledge or to explore, likethat's the thing you need a
community and a safe place,because that's that's where you
(29:13):
find freedom.
Freedom comes through releasingthe darkest, ugliest parts of
ourselves.
Yeah, yep, so let's talk alittle bit about what our paths
to freedom have looked like andwhy the path to freedom that we
offer women is completelydifferent from other paths.
We know they've tried, right?
(29:34):
Like how many women do we talkto and they're like I have done
all the things and I am stillstuck, which is so infuriating,
right?
So what have your experiencesbeen with that, your path to
like freedom?
You know?
Speaker 3 (29:49):
For me, there is a distinct difference between the
clients I work with who are onhomeopathy versus the ones that
are not.
And for me you know I'm thedissociation queen- that was
always my choice.
I could shut it down and numbout like no other, so I feel
like I did, which is a period.
Speaker 1 (30:09):
It's like, that's like like um disassociation.
Right Is like freedoms dark,twisted sister right.
It's like it's like there'sfreedom like true freedom, right
, I can be authentic andintegrated and whatever, and
then?
But before I actually know howto access freedom,
disassociation is my version ofit, right, yeah?
Speaker 3 (30:31):
Yeah, yeah.
And I mean don recently put meon a remedy to start integrating
all of my parts.
And it was funny because thefirst time that I took the
remedy I dissociated right away,right away, within five minutes
, and then I lost the bottle inmy car and don's like you did
that on purpose and I'm like no.
I really lost it.
So then she sends me another,more potent bottle, and so now
(30:56):
I've been taking that and it'slike what Joy said, right, like
all of these parts integrating,I think, facing the dark parts
of your story.
You know, I always know whenwomen are on the transcending
part of their healing journey,when they can take a step back
and look at themselves and seetheir part in the divorce, their
part in their story, and wherethey're no longer afraid of it,
(31:17):
ashamed of it.
The homeopathy gets you thereso much quicker, and I do feel
like that is.
The difference in our programis that when you come in from
day one, you are alreadyreceiving remedies.
You are already.
We're giving you things to helpyou not dissociate.
We're giving you things to helptranscend that healing and
while they're not alwayscomfortable, we go very, very
(31:39):
deep to make sure that theresults that you get at the end
of this program are exactly whatyou came in wanting.
Speaker 1 (31:47):
Yeah, the path to freedom is not uh, it's not all
rainbows and butterflies,although there's a remedy called
rainbow and I you know.
I'm happy to give it to you.
But we must balance our rainbowremedies with our dark, twisty
remedies.
Speaker 3 (32:03):
Yeah, since for 10 years, you know.
So, in that 10 year period oflull where I was single and
trying to figure everything outand thinking I was, quote,
unquote, healed, I wasjournaling, I was reading the
books, I was you know, doingyoga.
I was trying to meditate.
Speaker 1 (32:20):
That's all great Right.
Speaker 3 (32:22):
Yes, but I was still learning, yeah, yeah.
So what am I doing?
Speaker 1 (32:26):
Yeah, you were amassing a body of knowledge
that then, when you had the keyin the lock right, it all
integrates.
It all jumps into your yeah.
Speaker 2 (32:37):
Tiffany, I literally said this to my husband this
weekend because I was workingthrough not this weekend, this
week, it was like two days ago Iwas working through all this
stuff of okay.
Now I have to admit it'semotional.
Now I have to admit that thereis something, and I've had that
(32:59):
conversation.
I literally said that, likewhat if this is it?
I've done the EMDR, I've donethe journaling, I've done this.
What if this is the thing thatI've needed to face and to
accept and to work throughhomeopathically for me to be
able to let this last piece ofmyself or the last piece of this
(33:19):
puzzle go?
Like letting it go, because youcannot do it.
Speaker 3 (33:26):
Yeah, For me it's been this beautiful journey
homeopathically where thisremedy for me came at the right
time, and it's scary because itshows me all of my darkest parts
.
Speaker 2 (33:38):
Yeah.
Speaker 3 (33:39):
And it's like, okay, we're going to accept all of
these dark parts and all ofthese light parts, and then
we're going to find a way toblend them beautifully.
Speaker 2 (33:47):
And.
Speaker 3 (33:47):
I've noticed changes in my personality.
I've noticed changes in the waythat I'm showing up for people,
that I'm reacting to things,everything about me, since I've
been on this remedy.
Speaker 1 (33:56):
I feel more like myself on this remedy than I
have in a very, very long time,because even in my own healing
journey, with everything thatI've done in the modalities, I
still have a tendency to pushthe bad away and to not embrace
the darkness, where now it'slike everything is coming
together and I can say I canalso use this for good and this
(34:16):
is part of me and it's fuckingamazing it's so interesting
hearing your journeys with thisintegration of darkness, right,
and I just think about all thosenights I would sit with cluster
headaches and I know that theycaused a lot of disassociation
(34:42):
because the pain was so intense,it's like.
But then I got to this point inthe journey where I was like,
okay, I have to learn how to bewith the pain, because I really
believed always that it waspurposeful, that God wasn't like
just smiting me um smote.
I wasn't smoting, um.
So I was like, okay, this painis my teacher, I'm going to
(35:05):
welcome it in, right, and Iwould sit with this unbearable
pain and I I know that I wasstill highly dissociated and all
the things right but I wouldsit with the pain and I would
sing songs.
You guys, if you've heard thepodcast episode where I sing
songs, right, a lot of thingsthat I've done to heal have come
via me learning how to sit withthe heaviest pain and that
(35:31):
really is the key right To sitwith and hold space and have
compassion and curiosity andlove for the darkest, darkest,
heaviest pains and I know ourlisteners feel heavy.
I know they would, you know whatthey wouldn't give to exchange
that heaviness for freedom.
But I think, if the three of usare any example, it's like we
(35:51):
say we would do anything toexchange heaviness for freedom
but like actually we wouldbackpedal a whole lot along the
way, because that's what it isto be human right.
It's like, yeah, yeah.
So to the woman that has askedherself too many times am I
(36:11):
crazy?
No, I've just been holding itall right now.
What do we want her to reallycarry with her this week, right?
What do we want her to place inher heart as she moves through
the week and is like I am sotired of this shit.
Speaker 3 (36:27):
There is a way to get to the other side.
Speaker 1 (36:33):
Joy's voice said she liked it, but her face said she
didn't.
Speaker 2 (36:38):
No, no, no.
I was thinking I was going adifferent direction and then
Tiffany said that and I'm likeoh yes, you know, like there is
light at the end of the tunnel.
I was going in the direction of, like my mind went to you don't
have to carry it all.
Speaker 1 (36:57):
But will you trust us to carry it with you?
Speaker 2 (36:59):
Will you trust us.
Speaker 1 (37:01):
To carry it with you.
Yeah, ooh, I think we leave itthere.
Yeah, and if not us, then who?
And is the who that you selectto joy's point, mid, mid role?
Right, do they have thecapacity?
Are you sure?
Right?
Yeah, because that's what leadsto the circle continuing, that
(37:24):
where you feel crazy, right isyou?
They said they would help andthen you asked for help and then
they didn't help, and then it'slike like, well, it must be me,
right, right.
Okay, at the top of the episodeyou heard our fun new rollout of
our nervous system griefhormone mapping quiz thingy doey
.
Uh, if you have not taken thequiz yet, if you scroll all the
(37:46):
way down to the bottom of theshow notes, highly recommend
super fun.
When you get your quiz results,you get some recommendations of
things to do, right, there's ahormone recovery guide that you
can download, there's some blogposts and podcast episodes that
tie into the quiz results and,of course, there's an
opportunity to book a call withus.
But we'd love for you to takethe quiz and see if it connects
(38:08):
some dots for you, right?
So, definitely, definitely wantto welcome you, to scroll to
the bottom of the show notes andto take that bad boy.
We love you so much.
Peace, dear Divorce Diary is apodcast by MyCoachDawn.
(38:30):
You can find more atMycoachdawncom.
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