September 23, 2025 • 45 mins
If you’ve been swiping after divorce and it feels like all the good ones are gone—or worse, you’ll just pick another version of your ex—pause. That’s not a dating problem. It’s a healing problem.
In this episode, we’re unpacking:
- The lies we tell ourselves about “no good men”
- Lori Gerber’s 3H Method (head, heart, hoo-ha) for clarity in dating
- How breadcrumbing + settling are really nervous-system issues
- Why your body flashes red lights during dates (and what it’s really about)
Because if love still feels unsafe, your body will tell you—loud and clear.
“You can’t fake safety. If you don’t believe love is possible, your nervous system will keep proving you right.”
Your body isn’t just reacting to texts, swipes, or dates—it’s showing you the deeper nervous system + hormone patterns that still need healing. If you want to understand your patterns, take the free Divorce Recovery Nervous System Type Quiz. You’ll discover the type of wiring that’s quietly running your love life, plus the hormonal layer underneath—and what to do about it.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn
Instagram: (@dawnwiggins)
Instagram: (@coachtiffini)
On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
If you've been dating after divorce and struggling
with the swiping and the notbeing able to find a good one,
let alone the one, it's time toknow what your nervous system is
still doing at the idea ofsomeone getting close and
knowing what you actually wantand claiming it, because I don't
think you do.
If you believe all the good menare gone or you're scared,
(00:23):
you'll just pick another versionof your ex.
That's not actually a datingproblem.
It's a healing problem.
Today we're going to talk aboutthe patterns that are quietly
sabotaging you and the shiftsthat you have to make in order
for love to feel safe again.
Hi, love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
(00:47):
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
Good morning ladies, hey, hey,good morning.
(01:17):
I loved that one, so sing-songy.
It was like Belle was welcomingus to the podcast.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Okay, so we are going to talk today about some super
fun stuff.
Right, we're going to talkabout the lies we tell ourselves
when we are approaching datingand love and relationships.
Right, because we often thinkwe're being picky or we can't
find a good man.
Right, but what we have learnedas a team is that we actually
(01:44):
most women lack enoughself-confidence and enough
self-awareness actually, right,to be attracting the kind of man
that they say they want, right,and so there's a clear path to
being able to attract a quoteunquote good man.
But most women and the three ofus missed that path.
Right, like the three of us.
We're going to talk about ittoday.
(02:05):
Right, because it involves LoriGerber, our internal dating
expert, who you know has beenthe dating expert for like.
Who did she work for?
Speaker 3 (02:13):
Gosh, her resume was so impressive.
Matchcom, like her resume, wasyeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
So we're going to talk about the system that she
uses, right.
That really exposes the lies wetell ourselves about dating and
good men and attracting theright man, right.
So we're going to get into that.
Then we're going to talk aboutthe way the body keeps the score
on dates right, Like when wethink about dating, when we're
swiping, when we're actually ondating because, right, that late
night text that doesn't comethrough, or the pause, or the
(02:42):
way our bodies respond when wesee those three dots, or the
micro moments right where wehave somatic flashbacks.
And so the danger of whathappens for most women is that
all of their past shit aboutlove is getting triggered in
those moments of dating andthey're misattributing it to
that present moment datingexperience, right.
And so we're really going totalk about helping women
(03:03):
recognize is it a then issue oris it a now issue?
And then at the end of the pod,we are going to talk about the
specific ways our bodies keepthe score right and we're going
to sort of get into this onebelief that I think is very hard
for women to really reallybelieve is true.
But we're going to talk abouthow our nervous system reflects
(03:26):
our deepest wounds and ourbiggest growth edges and the
very specific ways our bodiesshow us when or if we're still
afraid love is unsafe.
And I think all three of ushave examples right of how our
bodies show us specifically thatlove is unsafe, and we
definitely want our listeners toknow very specifically for them
when their body is showing themso that they can take the
(03:46):
action they need.
Right, all right, so let's doit to it.
The lie we tell ourselves aboutdating right, there's no good
men.
What are some other things wehear women say about dating?
There's no good men, can't findthem.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
They just don't believe in love anymore.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Yeah, right, but do you?
Speaker 3 (04:01):
think yeah, I've had my happiness.
Like I had my shot, I'll justbe with my children, yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Yeah, but but would they say that to us if we were,
if we're sitting with them Right?
Are they saying like oh, Idon't deserve in love divorce?
Through an action.
I think that they're the onesthat carry well, I already
screwed it up.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Why should I deserve somebody that's actually good
for me?
Because you know I wasn't loyal, or I wasn't, you know whatever
.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Or he screwed it up and I can't trust again.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
I believed that, like I bet, I had given him my best
years.
Like nobody's going to want menow.
You know, like my youth, I hadgiven him my youth.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
And nobody's going to want you now.
I think that is probably theway most women think about it.
Yeah, is I'm going to be usedup soon or I already am?
So, I'm not going to be able toattract anybody good Again, like
wanting, like more focused onbeing chosen than choosing.
Right, right, yeah, and that'sthe thing that's really
sabotaging most women right LikeA.
(05:12):
They haven't fully healed orrecovered from their heartbreak
and so love doesn't feel safe,right, and so they don't believe
in love or they don't believethey can trust men or whatever.
Right.
And then maybe even going backto childhood, there's like stuff
about how their parentsrejected them or abandoned them
that maybe they're aware of,maybe they're not.
And so then love it justreinforces right, it just gets
(05:32):
stuck in.
That same neural pathway oflove doesn't work out for me.
I know I definitely stilltackle that here and there in my
life.
But one of the things we learnedfrom working with Lori Gerber
right, our internal datingexpert, who has just helped
thousands and thousands andthousands of people like learn
(05:53):
how to date effectively.
Yeah, um, she talks about the3H method, right, that when you
are dating someone, you firsthave to identify for yourself
what is it that you want in therealm of head right, Like
intellectual attraction.
Heart right In the world oflove attraction.
(06:14):
And hoo-ha in the world of,like sexual attraction.
What are the things that youwant that make you feel excited
in eight out of a 10?
If you were scoring head, heartand hoo-ha, right, what are the
things that we, as women, needor want in those three
categories in a man?
None of the three of us wereable to sort of look at those
(06:37):
lists and say like, oh yeah,we're super clear.
What really lights us up in therealm of head, heart and hoo-ha
, whether it's with work or ourhusbands or whatever.
It is right, because you coulduse this 3-H method to like pick
a dress or pick your dinner offa menu at a restaurant right,
we get in our heads and we talkourselves into and out of like
10 million things.
Right, and women.
(06:57):
She showed us that women whohave been able to identify not
only what they really reallylove and want and head, heart
and hoo-ha, and understand whythat was sort of the key right
Is understanding why Brings sucha different level of attraction
and man into the realm, right.
And she tells the story abouthow, when she got clarity on
(07:18):
this, like she met her husband,like the next day.
So interesting, so interesting.
What do you, what do you ladies, notice about just sort of your
own approach to you know, um,love or making big choices in
life, or what you've seen otherwomen struggle with in terms of
really getting clear about whatyou want to choose, versus
constantly waiting to be chosen.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
I think in the beginning I was so attention
starved in my marriage, so whenI got divorced I would just
wanted attention from anythingfor anyone and I feel like a lot
of women feel this way and Icall it that breadcrumb
mentality.
When you go out and you'rebasically just putting up with
shitty men because they send youa good morning text or they
take you out on a date everyonce in a while or you know they
(08:01):
throw a few compliments yourway and so I felt like that was
very much me in the beginning,that I was just basically going
on dates to feel anything atthat point, because it had been
forever since I felt any type ofconnection or adoration or oh,
he thinks I'm hot or you knowwhatever.
And then I don't.
Really I never went through thethree H's.
(08:22):
I really really wish I wouldhave.
But I think for me what startedto happen is my scope started
to get more narrow and morenarrow and I couldn't really
pinpoint when I would go on adate with people why, I didn't
want to continue, but Ijust knew that something was off
.
I always felt like what I waslooking for was just genuine
connection with somebody andthat chemistry.
(08:43):
And I feel like, you know, whenI stopped getting physical
right away, when I stopped doingother things like that or that
attention seeking behavior, itallowed me to sit back and
really look at this man and say,Okay, is this somebody that I
can really see myself with?
And so I didn't have thosecheckboxes or lists, but I feel
like I had a good idea of what Iwas looking for, and the more
(09:04):
and more that I dated, thebetter I got at being able to
discount and dismiss the onesthat.
I just didn't feel like weregoing to be a match for me, so
for me it was a process over areally long time.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
I thought it was so interesting how she talked about
um, that we all have like adefault pattern, you know, and
mine is definitely head Like Iwill over-prioritize, like it
making sense on paper versusreally paying attention to how
it feels and or write thatbreadcrumb thing and I probably
toggled between those two thingspost-divorce, like it needed to
make sense on paper, or, if youwould give me any attention,
(09:40):
like great, I will fall on asword for you because dang yeah,
which is totally an attachmenttrauma issue and I always feel
like I went for men who nevermade sense either geographically
they were way too far away andthat that's a protective thing
too is self-protective over andover.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Yes attract men that there will never be a future
with because of whatever reason.
That's also a protective thing,and I did that all the time.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
I went for um, I always gravitated towards men
who were emotionally unavailablebecause it was a comfort zone
for me.
Not being, you know, like, notbeing chosen, not being
prioritized, was like how I feltcomfortable, cause that's what
I knew from, you know, mychildhood, so like when I had he
would, what I knew from youknow my childhood, so like when
(10:26):
I had he would, you know, like,dangle a little carrot and just
send that one text of like hey,just thinking about you, and
then swoon right, I wouldabsolutely, you know, like, so
my, the the level of emotionalunavailability, the more
emotionally unavailable he was,the sexier he was to me, because
then I was like it's my comfortzone right, it's where I'm used
(10:48):
to it, yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
It's also the women that go for men who are like
avoidant.
Also the women who arecaregivers and protectors
normally, and so they go for menwho need them as a deflection
from having to go deep and sharetheir own shit.
Like he has all this traumahe's dumping on me.
Great, I can fix him instead ofme having to share anything
that goes deep.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
Feel attacked yeah, wow, yeah, and so, right, true
closeness, really like to reallylet one's guard down and relax
into love, like that requiresbeing able to attract someone
who, you know, has a truly asafe vibration.
(11:33):
But that means we have to getto a place vibrationally where
we also feel safe, and that isthe mission that we're on around
here, right, and that meansbeing able to identify, like,
what are the things I want toneed, and not settling, right,
because I think what we've alldescribed, that we all do over
and over again, consciously orunconsciously, is settle and
talk ourselves into somethingbecause we don't believe in love
(11:55):
, because we don't believe inourselves, because we don't
believe in our worth, because wedon't believe in love, because
we don't believe in ourselves,because we don't believe in our
worth, because we don't believein whatever, right, and that is
just a recipe for eitheraloneness or to be hurt all over
again.
And so, no bueno, no bueno.
We have absolutely just loved,like looping Lori's process into
our 12-month program, right,because so powerful.
So then, the next thing, right,that we see happen about love
(12:19):
being safe is our flashbacks,right, this idea that the body
keeps a score when we're dating,right, and so really getting in
touch with what is your bodydoing, and do you recognize when
you're having a somaticflashback during the dating
process, or even considering orapproaching the dating process,
right, like when you'remessaging with someone, when
you're swiping with someone,when you're on a date with
(12:40):
someone?
Are you able to recognize themicro moments when you're, when
you're having a flashback?
And I think one of the thingsthat maybe we don't talk about
quite enough we do talk about it, but I think we could do better
is helping people understandwhen a flashback is about then
and it's not about now, right, Ithink that people in general.
(13:03):
I mean I got into a fight withmy husband this weekend because
he got so mad at our daughterand like maybe she was being a
shit right, like maybe maybe notlike whatevs.
But like the amount of upset hewas feeling was not about now,
it was about his childhood right.
And I was like bro, like that'sa lot of responsibility to have
your 10 year old like try tomake up for all of the emotional
(13:25):
pain you felt when you were aboy man.
Maybe, like playing Mario isjust not that serious, you know.
But I think that this is theman who edits this podcast and,
like, lives with me, right, andhe didn't realize he was having
a flashback and that it wasreally about then and not about
now.
So let's talk about helpingwomen really understand that
while they're dating right,these flashbacks are coming up
(13:45):
left, right and center.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
It happened to me a lot in the relationship that I'm
in now, in the very beginning,anytime that I was in a social
setting and I know I've talkedabout this before, but you know
where we live.
Breweries are a thing you knowand it's a very family oriented
thing.
People bring their dogs or kids, whatever.
It's a very safe environment.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
But because of my experience in bars and I was
going to say you spent a lot oftime in a bar as a kid, right
Like yeah, like we always didRight, like and it, like that,
and so that environment justalways became part of my thing.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
I play pool, I learned to play.
I could build a mean cardcastle with playing cards.
I could probably still do it,you know, but that was kind of
the environment, but then youknow and all of that got
collapsed with your childhoodstuff.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
right All your wounds , yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
And like so sometimes you would see things or
whatever.
And then, of course, when Ichose relationships with men who
were big drinkers, you know,and they would kind of lose
themselves in that process whenwe were out and they'd either
get loud or they'd, you know,look at somebody else, or
whatever a little flirtation.
So all of that was likeingrained in me.
So, coming into thisrelationship, when I started
trying to go out and be socialagain with him, I would shut
(14:56):
down and I would sit in a cornerand just freeze, because I felt
like I had no control over mybody, my emotions, and I was
kind of reliving it and Istarted to dissociate like very,
very heavily.
And so what did it for me wasthat we did a workshop in our
program on somatic breath work.
And I had a huge break duringthat workshop where I was able
(15:20):
to tap into the emotions in mybody that truly indicated when I
was unsafe truly.
Not because of the anxiety I wasfeeling yes, and I remember
feeling this way as a child.
I remember that we had a familyfriend.
He was older than me, always alittle flirtatious, right Like
(15:40):
whatever, and this was when Iwas in a late teenager.
Like it's not like.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
I was a kid or anything like that.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
But I remember one time him and I were having a
conversation.
I told him that I was stressedout and he came over and started
rubbing my shoulders and thefeeling that I got it was like
my whole body got hot and I waslike something is not like I
felt sick you know what I meanand I was like there is
something.
So that is what I learned inthe workshop is that my body has
(16:05):
clear indicators to me when Iam not safe.
When there's danger, correct,and that's the same thing I felt
at times in my marriage andother relationships, where
somebody was lying or somebodywas doing something behind my
back and I knew it, even if theyweren't telling me.
I wasn't feeling anything likethat in my current relationship.
For me it was more of animmediate dissociation, and the
(16:25):
scary part was I had no warning.
We would be in a situation andall of a sudden I would just
freeze boop and I would sit inthe corner, and then he's
looking at me, like whathappened?
And I couldn't explain it.
It was like my brainautomatically had a road way
back to that and I just shutdown.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
I think being able to read the cues of our own body,
it's so magical, right, somagical.
Speaker 3 (16:49):
Tiffany, can you, can you?
I just have a question, justbecause I do think that
listening to our bodies issomething that the general
population is kind of coming to.
It's starting to become aconversation.
But what did it feel like, likeI've described on the podcast,
(17:09):
when I'm feeling, when I'mstarting to dissociate or when
I'm feeling something.
But like, what does your bodyfeel like when you are in that
moment?
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Like dissociating so for me I go into freeze mode.
It's a freeze, so I immediatelynumb out and I will dissociate
to the point where, if you askme what I said or did in those
times, I won't remember, like mybody literally blanks out.
So even if I'm having aconversation and I'm triggered
heavily in a conversation and Ifreeze.
I will not remember what I saidto you the next day.
(17:41):
My brain just shuts off.
So for me it is a feeling ofcomplete weightlessness and
literally numbing out likenothing makes sense and I just
shut down and it happened quickand it took me a long time to
learn the cues and myself towhere I could prevent that from
happening because it wouldhappen so fast.
I had about three seconds torationalize in my brain before I
(18:05):
was going to ruin my day andprobably everybody's around me.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
And joy.
Yours feels like a tingle inyour arms.
Speaker 3 (18:11):
Yeah.
So when I feel like I am unsafe, or like when we in the episode
we did the IFS session and Istarted justifying because I was
talking about my parents, right, and I started justifying like,
okay, what if they hear this?
What, what would I say?
Or what you know, I felt itlike I get, um, I feel it, I
feel it in my arms.
(18:31):
Or like when I get the rush ofanxiety of, let's say, I am
walking to the store and I seesomeone who would have
pre-homeopathy, pre-emdr,triggered me, I still go yellow,
like I still there, um, interms of that, person is an
unsafe person to me and so I Iget tingly is probably a good
(18:54):
word for it, tiffany like mywhole body is like um on fire,
almost fire almost.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
And I could see it physically on you that day, like
your arms lit up red Right yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
And like my chest will get red and so right.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
So like I have a body sensation, I think you know,
like I have a friend who gets awave of headache when she is
emotionally triggered orsomething she's in process with
something.
She gets a headache, so likeit's very interesting.
That's why I wanted to ask,because I think that when people
hear other people's theyconnect, they can connect the
(19:30):
dots of like oh, I feel that too, that's what that means.
Or just kind of put the piecesback together or, you know, help
them, help our listeners, kindof piece together if they're not
aware.
And I do think that it's becomea conversation and becoming
aware, especially with ourlisteners, because we talk about
it all the time, right, but Ilike examples, Now that you're
(19:51):
talking about it.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
So it's jarring me now.
The first sign for me it'sdisorientation.
It feels, like my brain startsto slow down.
I get in an insane brain fogwhere I feel very disoriented,
like I'm about to pass out.
It'll be like my breathing getsheavy, like my heart starts,
like I literally feel like I'mabout to have a panic attack.
But it's that brain fog whereeverything starts to slow down
(20:13):
and my brain is like here we go,we're just going to start to
shut off.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
So that's when I've learned is the biggest sign in
my body that I need to use mytools, because I'm about to go
out, get grounded.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Okay, cool, I like that, yeah, really interesting.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Right To hear the stages of flooding into shutdown
, right, because I do think weexperience.
Well, there's a flooding rightbefore there's a shutdown,
that's so.
I love that you're able toarticulate that, tiffany.
But to see where everybodylands, right, do you land in
flooded or do you land in?
Speaker 3 (20:47):
you know, collapsed.
Yeah, right, right, and beingable to spot it.
So you can use a tool, you canuse a practice, you can use a
breathing technique or a vagalrelease or like something to
kind of catch it, and then thatpiece about how does one tease
(21:07):
out is the nervous systemactivation that you're
experiencing right now?
Speaker 1 (21:11):
is it actually about now or is it a flashback?
Right, because, realistically,unless someone is holding you at
knife, point right, like like atrue physical threat, right,
right, most triggers are reallyflashbacks.
Speaker 3 (21:29):
Right.
So it goes back to that, lori.
What Lori said was the why,like why am I feeling threatened
in this moment?
Why am I wanting to check out,like what is?
Because if you're walkingthrough Target and you see an
unsafe person in your mind, arethey really unsafe.
(21:50):
Like why am I reacting?
Because is it my body tellingme things Right, yeah, right,
but like in reality it's goingto be something from the past,
most likely just because, likethey're, they're not going to
cost me in target.
Like something is happening inmy body that's telling me, and
so being able to ask yourselfwhy, then you can kind of loop
back Like I really am safe, thisis past stuff, this is yeah,
(22:11):
asking yourself why, I think isa big, it's a big step in the
direction.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
So many of us would be able to justify and defend
that.
No, it's about what this personin front of me is doing right
now.
Right, like my husband wasconvinced this weekend that my
daughter was rejecting him, andI promise you she was not.
Like not really.
You know what I mean.
I think we really fall way tooeasily into the trap of thinking
like because, like, let's say,you're dating right and this guy
(22:40):
isn't, he's not hitting theeight out of a 10 and head,
heart and hoo-ha.
He's got behaviors.
He's inconsiderate or he's rudeor he's not really asking
questions or he's not engaged orhe's not available or whatever
it is right.
It's like oh okay, move on,thank you next, right, but
rather than thank you next, weget into a spiral about what
he's doing or not doing and whatI'm doing or not doing, right,
and we get in the weeds aboutall of that stuff rather than
(23:00):
just like, move on.
And that sort of getting in theweeds about it says like no,
actually I am triggered aboutthe past and I am doing this
repetition compulsion with thisperson in front of me.
It's not about them.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
But I feel like it's also having this mentality or
this assumption that we're stillstuck like in our marriage,
right?
So it's like when your husbandwould do things that would
trigger you tremendously.
It's like there's a differentsort of reaction because you're
married, you are in this withhim, and so it's like having to
endure that over and over.
But when you're dating it's avery temporary situation.
If somebody does something thatyou don't agree with or that
(23:37):
you're not okay with, you canvery simply say this person is
not for me and move on.
You don't have to sit in thatspace where you tolerate it, and
that's where so many women sitin that space.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
Subtle Because they're afraid that they're not
going to get a better shot right.
They don't believe in love orthey don't believe in their
worth or they don't believe thatgood men are out there.
Right, then their belief systemgets hijacks, their nervous
system yeah.
Speaker 3 (23:57):
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, what would you?
This is something we love to do, like stand on the couch and
all.
But, like, what would you sayto that woman who is coming to
you, your girlfriend, who'sstuck in this relationship?
That's just like.
And then I texted him and hewaited four days.
Text me back and da, da, da, da, da.
Like, what would you say to her?
(24:17):
She's married or she's dating,just dating, oh, yeah, move on.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
Yeah, it's not an eight out of a 10 in head heart
or hoo-ha if he's not respondingfor four days and I call it
that breadcrumb mentality.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
And I'd love to be that last week, when they texted
me about lack of response andthings like that, I said look,
the longer you stay in thebreadcrumb mentality, you're
never going to meet a man onyour level ever You're just
going to stay very bare bottom,because that's all you think you
deserve at this point.
Speaker 3 (24:47):
The bare minimum, like celebrating the bare
minimum.
Yeah, he, the bare minimum,like celebrating the bare
minimum.
Yeah, he texted me back and itonly took three days this time
instead of four days.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
And yeah, and here's what I want you to understand in
here too, because this was ahuge shift for me when I went
from being in the breadcrumbmentality to actually dating men
who, on paper right, whoactually started to be better
men quote, unquote, right theywere not attracted to me because
I was still in a breadcrumbmentality, so it's like they
(25:15):
could also see that.
I was not in a place where Iwas ready to receive and be on
their level, because I was stillso needy.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
Or.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
I would pick fights, or I would be like pick me, pick
me.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
Like I was so desperate, that desperate
intention it just like waftedoff of my energy and it made
them run it is a vibrationalgame, right, and you cannot fake
confidence, you cannot faketrust, you cannot fake faith,
you cannot fake these thingsright.
And so that's why we're sayingtoday that this isn't a dating
problem, it's a healing problem.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
Yes, and I would do this every time in my
relationships or my dating LikeI would start out and I would
feel super confident, super incontrol, super powerful, but
then something would happen andit would shift and they would
get too close, and then I wouldstart exposing the worst parts
of myself.
And then I was like well, peaceout, cause I screwed that up
every single time.
That was my routine.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
So let's talk about how all of these patterns have
shown up in our bodies and howthey show up in the bodies of
women, right.
So we want women to be able toknow.
We want them to be able to do abody scan, right, and say like,
oh, something is profoundlyactivated, not just triggered
right, not just nervous systemactivation.
We're going beyond that, right,like dating and the idea of
(26:27):
dating, the prospect of dating,right, is this mirror for our
deepest wounds and our biggestgrowth edges?
Right.
And so we want women to be ableto do a body scan and say, nope
, I have trauma layers or painlayers right, still stuck in my
body.
And so I think that this nextthing we're going to talk about
is very, very hard for women tosort of accept or recognize,
(26:49):
because mainstream medicine doesnot teach this.
In fact, it teaches the exactopposite of this.
So it can continue to rate yourprescriptions, right.
So, from Bessel van der Kolk'swork, the Body Keeps the Score
right, gabor, mate, like thedoctors, the MDs, right, who
have studied trauma and how itlands on our cells, have helped
us learn and understand.
And then homeopathy andeverything about it right, and
(27:10):
EMDR and IFS, and how things getlocked in our subconscious mind
in the way that our memory isstored, right?
We know that the majority ofphysical symptoms we experience
as humans started in our mental,emotional sphere.
The bulk, the majority ofphysical symptoms we experience
(27:30):
started as mental, emotionalpain or a negative belief about
self.
And people really have troublebelieving that.
They really have trouble buyingthat my back pain, my neck pain
, my UTI, my yeast infection, myhip pain, my foot pain, my fill
in the blank, is not about mymind, my emotions or my beliefs.
(27:53):
But there are three particularareas we want to help women
really dial into today right, wewant to talk about our own
experiences with it.
That when we have neck pain orstiffness, that is about things
that you have not spoken orprocessed right Anger, swallowed
words, swallowed words,swallowed words.
And that does not mean you haveto work it out with the person
it's about right, but it meansyou have not released it from
(28:15):
your body.
Neck pain and stiffness.
Throat issues right, not justneck like, as in your cervical
spine, but also like throatrelated issues.
Right, tonsils and throat pain.
And all of this right Is aboutswallowed emotion and words.
Pelvic pain so anything in thepelvic region, whether it's
(28:37):
constipation or diarrhea orthings in the uterine region or
UTIs or yeast infections or BVor all these things in the
pelvic region Is 100% stuffrelated to love and sex that is
stuck in your body, stuffrelated to fear that's stuck in
your body, right, because thatpelvic region gets into that
(28:58):
root groundedness, right.
Fear, anxiety, all that right.
And then hip pain is very, veryhip pain, and stuckness and
tightness is very, very muchabout not being able to trust
oneself and fear of movingforward, making decisions.
And so what would y'all say orask of the women who are
listening?
And it's like what the bulk ofmy physical symptoms are to do
(29:20):
with my mind, emotions orbeliefs.
Like get out of here the womenwho are, you know, peeing all
the time.
Like what that's about my mind,that's about my beliefs, like
what I'm going to share?
a crazy story and I can'tbelieve I'm about to share this,
but I'm going to share it.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
So when I was going through a massive amount of
stress and I know I've sharedthis before, just never in this
context my 15 year old cat waspassing away, I was felt like I
was losing my best friend anyway, like all of these things of
stress, right, and so I startedgoing to the bathroom all the
time, like I would pee every twoseconds.
I started feeling like mybladder was on fire.
They put me on six differenttypes of antibiotics.
(29:58):
Nothing was working.
So they sent me to urologist.
So I went to the urologist andshe was going to perform this
procedure or whatever it was,this test, and so what they have
you do is they have you pee andthen they bring you back into
the room, they insert a catheter.
Speaker 1 (30:16):
Like a balloon.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
Yeah, right, and just to see how much is left after
you've peed.
So she was sitting there, shewas holding the like kidney
shaped bowl that they have inthe hospital and she was seeing
how much pee would come back outof me.
Ladies, she was screaming downthe hall at one point for the
nurse to come help her because Iwas about to overflow after I
(30:39):
had just peed and she said thereis something like so.
then I had to go get a CAT scan.
You know they had to shoot meup with dye because they were
afraid that I might've had atumor or something that was
restricting my bladder fromfully opening and I was
retaining all of this urine.
So, ironically, once I starteddealing with the stress and once
(31:00):
I started being treatedhomeopathically, I have never
had another flare ever.
And this is where I went tomultiple doctors who told me you
have to avoid these foods.
You know you can't eat pineappleanymore, or onion or the things
that, or coffee, and I was like, oh my God, I can't have coffee
anymore.
But they would tell me to stayaway from all this acidic stuff.
So once I started getting onhomeopathy, I have never had a
(31:23):
flare since then.
Or another IC issue, and when Itell you that that was so
telling for me that how stressmanifests itself in the body, it
was insane.
Speaker 1 (31:34):
And grief, would you say.
Grief, especially in thatmoment.
I mean, you had a lot of thingsgoing on, right, but the grief
is like what pushed it over theedge.
Loss, yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:43):
And I'd never experienced stress physically to
that effect, to where it wasliterally getting in the way of
my everyday life and I was notconnecting the two at all.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
I could tell a bajillion of those stories about
my body.
But, um, you know, I see itover and over with patients
right, neck, hip, pelvic issuesLike those are the ones I think
that in relationship it's likeand I have certainly had, I
guess, me more neck and pelvicrelated stuff.
Like my neck, you know, hasbeen such a challenge for so
(32:16):
many years.
It's super stable now but likethat took a lot to really purge
all the suppressed emotion frommy body, right from my neck, to
get really nice and stable andfluid and moving and whatever.
But I see it over and overagain with women who need to
rage, need to scream, need tosay the things that they've just
been swallowing for so manyyears.
I see a lot of women too withhip pain, right and men.
(32:39):
It's not just women right, butso much hip pain and like fear
of moving forward.
Speaker 3 (32:47):
I think I've been between.
Out of the three of us, I thinkI'm the one that has taken the
longest to kind of get on boardwith the emotions manifest in
your body.
But recently, like I had a hugefight with my husband and I
woke up to severe pelvicdiscomfort, but it was like a
(33:08):
safety issue, slash emotion.
That wasn't support right, thatI wasn't facing or verbalizing
or working through, and you andI kind of argued a little bit
about it because I was like no,there's something physically
wrong with me.
And you were like get ittogether.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
And there was.
You know, there is right, thebody is experiencing.
Right.
Because, you know, when I heardpeople talk like, let's say, a
decade ago or like even longer,right where, when I'm studying
trauma and I'm becoming atrauma-informed therapist and
people are talking aboutpsychosomatic symptoms, I'm like
no, I don't think youunderstand, like my head hurts
right, right, right.
Speaker 3 (33:43):
No, like it really is an issue it really hurts yes
yes, right, and that's true.
Speaker 1 (33:49):
Like there are very real.
Like I have heart damage.
That heart damage is real, thatcame from trauma.
It like, right, like thesemental and emotional symptoms
can damage the body.
There are very real symptoms.
They're not in your head, right, they're not, but they
originate in our minds, right,they originate in our minds,
yeah, or our emotions, ourbeliefs.
They originate in our minds,yeah, or our emotions, our
(34:10):
beliefs.
And then that's the design isfor the body to say, hey, here's
something you're not workingthrough.
And I think that we are such asuppressed society and we've
just been thrown prescriptions,right, and then we have side
effects from the prescriptionsand like all the things, right,
but we can't see the forest fromthe trees.
(34:31):
When we first start this work,right, because we have so many
symptoms, and then we think thatwe've been told that's just
about aging or it's just what itis and I don't know, right, but
it really is one for one, right, we have these unresolved
mental, emotional and beliefsystem issues and they land
square in our bodies.
And that's the design, and it'sa beautiful design, but we
can't tolerate.
We get so scared of symptomsand then we got to engage with
(34:51):
the medical system, and themedical system is such a
nightmare to participate in.
Right, and then that's its ownstressor.
Speaker 3 (34:59):
Right, right, or you're just told it's normal.
It's normal, yeah, get used toit.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
In the specials of sinus, they said it's an
autoimmune disease and when Iwould look at it, it said
something about the brainperceiving pain or there's
something wrong with the nervesthat are misfiring to where your
body feels like you're in pain,but technically you're not, and
I was like that's crazy.
But you were in pain Because Ifeel like I'm on fire right now.
Speaker 1 (35:25):
Yeah, but you were in pain, right, it was mental and
emotional pain, and then itshowed up in your body.
That's right.
Speaker 2 (35:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (35:31):
And you know the region of our brain that
processes, it processes pain.
It doesn't distinguish betweenmental, emotional, physical pain
right, it's a pain center.
There's a pain center in ourbrain.
That's right and it's.
Everything is linked togetherand you cannot separate the
bladder from the brain, from theheart, from the whatever.
Right, they are interconnectedsystems that function together
(35:54):
and it's beautiful system.
And I, my wish for women isthat they would really take a
look at what is your bodytelling you right now, because
all the chronic symptoms youhave, right, every chronic
symptom you're experiencing, onethat has been reoccurring,
whether that's anxiety or it's aphysical pain, right, says
there's something unprocessed,there's something you have not
(36:16):
dealt with yet.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
What do you think about menstrual pain and how
that associates?
And here's why I'm askingBecause prior to taking sepia, I
would always have stabbingpains during my period I would
have really heavy cramps.
I'd be very tired, like energywiped.
And so after taking sepia forabout three months during my
cycle now I don't even know whenmy period's coming Like.
(36:42):
There's literally no symptoms.
I get no cramps.
I can work out during my period, which is foreign to me.
So that's pretty wild.
Speaker 1 (36:47):
Yeah, so I am sure that Joy is going to have some
feedback here, right, but yeah,so I am sure that Joy is going
to have some feedback here,right, but cramps are going to
be a combination, a layeredcombination of mental, emotional
issues, demineralization andendocrine overall, right, like
endocrine dysfunction.
So it's not any one thing, butabsolutely cramps are 100%
(37:07):
related to I'll just say overallhow we're supporting ourselves
or not.
I read this reel, or I watchedthis reel this weekend, was like
fascinating how we'll sell somany women's supplements to help
them feel less tired ratherthan just support them so that
they can be less tired.
Right, it's like yeah, we're sodepleted in general, right, and
that's why cramps.
(37:28):
And then you know, when you seeteenagers start with such
horrible painful periods, likeyes, there's inherited stuff,
there's like inheriteddysfunction, right, endocrine
dysfunction, and then weimmediately add a suppressive
medication, aka like birthcontrol pills, and then it just
goes deeper into the body.
And so, you know, one of theremedies we've been using lately
(37:48):
in our family is semisafuga,and that is a remedy that has a
lot of cramps, right, butrelated to birth trauma, and you
know, some depression and some,just right, like impending doom
stuff, and that one leads to alot of uterine cramping and so
like if you're adequatelymineralized, if you're getting
enough rest, if you're eatinghealthy foods, and you're still
(38:10):
having cramps, like absolutelyit's a mental, emotional sphere
thing inherited, or, yeah, fromyour lived experience.
And I know, joy, you've well, Idon't want to pull up your spot
, I don't think you care.
You've dealt with a lot of PCOS, right, like we've really been
working to recover you from PCOS.
And so that journey has beenremarkable.
(38:31):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (38:33):
Yeah, the amount of times that I have gone to a
highly, highly respected, highlyeducated, highly competent
doctors and told them mysymptoms and they run all the
tests and I do all the things.
They're like oh, you're withinnormal range, but I knew
something was right, because Ishould not be, it's not.
I knew there was somethingbetter than being like in the
(38:55):
fetal position with 800ibuprofen every four hours.
I was killing my kidneys and myliver and all the things
because I could not function.
So and then you know, dealingwith all of those symptoms, I
mean I've been on birth controlsince I was 16 because I had
ovarian cysts and so, like, Ihad ovarian cysts and I had this
(39:18):
.
But then, because I had threebabies in two years, they're
like oh, you don't have itbecause you got pregnant easily,
naturally.
I'm like but why doeseverything else fit?
So I was constantly in massiveamounts of pain.
I was constantly in massiveamount of symptoms that the
medical community just was justlike oh, it's normal.
(39:40):
So, working homeopathically,it's gotten drastically,
drastically, drasticallydifferent and better.
But I have been, you know, likeI've noticed, with my daughter,
my 13 year old daughter, who isalready struggling with those
same things because they wereinherited, so like right.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
Right, cause she's never been on birth control,
right?
So we can't say like, oh well,we suppressed her system with
birth control.
Right, it's not that, but sheinherited that suppressed system
from you.
Speaker 3 (40:10):
Yeah, yeah, right, right, and like what I was going
through when I was pregnantwith her and what what you know
she genetically came with.
um, you know, like sorry girl,but us working through that
homeopathically has made such adifference.
But it's also helping her bebody aware and, you know,
(40:32):
helping her feel her body andkind of articulate what's going
on.
But yeah, man, those PCOS it'sawful.
And so working through theemotions, like how much of that
was my childhood or my marriageor all these things because of
my emotions and I didn't knowhow to process them, didn't even
know they were there inemotional sphere, right that
(40:55):
awareness.
So working through somatics andmy friends know that I'm going
to be throwing pillows or I'mgoing to be like I go like this
a lot when I'm.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:08):
Regulating regulating Right.
Helping my body process and workthrough those emotions is,
along with the homeopathic hasbeen a game changer for my, so I
want to circle back tosomething, because you said that
you've had providers tell youthat your hormone levels are
normal A whole life, your wholelife, and because that is
(41:31):
fascinating.
So there's a remedy that werecently started, just this week
.
Right, I ordered it and I knewthat you and I both needed it.
But this is so, so interesting,because I would say that my
hormones have not been normal.
Right, I've had the opposite,where it was clear that they
were all tanked.
But then how to get them up toappropriate levels?
Right?
So you're saying yours havebeen at appropriate levels, but
(41:53):
obviously you're having symptomsthat say they're not Okay.
So this really, really nicheremedy, we've been working with
sex hormone binding globulin.
We're in the weeds right now.
But, ladies, what I want you tohear from this right, is that
your body is telling the storythat it needs to be told, right?
So sex hormone binding globulinis a chemical that indicates
(42:14):
whether or not, whether you havetoo much of it or not enough of
it, right, dictates whether ornot the sex hormones you have in
your body are being utilized orstored.
And so you can I didn't evenrealize this Joy that you are
someone who the doctors willtell you.
You have enough of it, but itis not being utilized properly,
right?
Perhaps it's being stored, orperhaps it's being right, and so
(42:37):
when we put sex hormone bindingglobulin in your body, now
those hormones are beingmetabolized appropriately, and
then you have even more of those.
PCOS symptoms.
Pcos so super duper, duper,duper interesting, there is
always a solution.
There are several differenttypes of PCOS too.
Pcos so super duper, duper,duper interesting, there is
always a solution.
There are several differenttypes of PCOS too.
Speaker 3 (42:54):
We've really gotten in the weeds on this particular
episode, but I think it'sprobably very relatable to how
many women you know.
Speaker 1 (43:03):
Yeah, yeah, right.
And so if you're having insulinresistance or you're having
histamine issues, if you'rehaving PCOS stuff right, know
that your body is keeping thescore.
It's related to all of theinherited trauma that your
parents experienced, that youhave experienced, and if you
especially have neck pain,pelvic issues or hip pain, know
(43:25):
that it's a mental, emotionalsphere, stuff that has to, has
to, has to be processed in orderfor you to really have the kind
of healthy love you crave.
Speaker 2 (43:36):
I would say the first time, like after I went through
that with my doctor, clearly Idismissed my whole medical team
and kind of moved on.
But I will say that kind ofwhat changed for me when it
comes to quote unquote, modernmedicine was seeing an osteopath
when I went to see her, andthey are trained to treat the
person, not just the symptoms.
So when I sat there with her,and she spent 20 minutes with me
(43:58):
and her first question was canI ask you what homeopathy you're
taking?
Speaker 1 (44:01):
I'm like, oh my God, like I felt seen in that moment,
mds think that DOs are idiots,you know, and and I get that
because she was the one thathelped me the most, though I
know, I know, but they theythink they're under trained and
whatever.
And then some DOs willprescribe so many supplements,
right that then the liver andkidneys get really, really
stressed because it's too manysupplements.
So it's like, yeah, I know,it's rough out there.
Speaker 2 (44:24):
It is, it is.
Speaker 1 (44:28):
All right, we love you so much.
Peace.
If you've been dating after divorce and struggling
with the swiping and the notbeing able to find a good one,
let alone the one, it's time toknow what your nervous system is
still doing at the idea ofsomeone getting close and
knowing what you actually wantand claiming it, because I don't
think you do.
If you believe all the good menare gone or you're scared,
(00:23):
you'll just pick another versionof your ex.
That's not actually a datingproblem.
It's a healing problem.
Today we're going to talk aboutthe patterns that are quietly
sabotaging you and the shiftsthat you have to make in order
for love to feel safe again.
Hi, love, welcome to DearDivorce Diary, the podcast
(00:47):
helping divorcees go beyond talktherapy to process your grief,
find the healing you crave andbuild back your confidence.
I'm your host, dawn Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
Good morning ladies, hey, hey,good morning.
(01:17):
I loved that one, so sing-songy.
It was like Belle was welcomingus to the podcast.
Speaker 2 (01:23):
Yes.
Speaker 1 (01:24):
Okay, so we are going to talk today about some super
fun stuff.
Right, we're going to talkabout the lies we tell ourselves
when we are approaching datingand love and relationships.
Right, because we often thinkwe're being picky or we can't
find a good man.
Right, but what we have learnedas a team is that we actually
(01:44):
most women lack enoughself-confidence and enough
self-awareness actually, right,to be attracting the kind of man
that they say they want, right,and so there's a clear path to
being able to attract a quoteunquote good man.
But most women and the three ofus missed that path.
Right, like the three of us.
We're going to talk about ittoday.
(02:05):
Right, because it involves LoriGerber, our internal dating
expert, who you know has beenthe dating expert for like.
Who did she work for?
Speaker 3 (02:13):
Gosh, her resume was so impressive.
Matchcom, like her resume, wasyeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (02:21):
So we're going to talk about the system that she
uses, right.
That really exposes the lies wetell ourselves about dating and
good men and attracting theright man, right.
So we're going to get into that.
Then we're going to talk aboutthe way the body keeps the score
on dates right, Like when wethink about dating, when we're
swiping, when we're actually ondating because, right, that late
night text that doesn't comethrough, or the pause, or the
(02:42):
way our bodies respond when wesee those three dots, or the
micro moments right where wehave somatic flashbacks.
And so the danger of whathappens for most women is that
all of their past shit aboutlove is getting triggered in
those moments of dating andthey're misattributing it to
that present moment datingexperience, right.
And so we're really going totalk about helping women
(03:03):
recognize is it a then issue oris it a now issue?
And then at the end of the pod,we are going to talk about the
specific ways our bodies keepthe score right and we're going
to sort of get into this onebelief that I think is very hard
for women to really reallybelieve is true.
But we're going to talk abouthow our nervous system reflects
(03:26):
our deepest wounds and ourbiggest growth edges and the
very specific ways our bodiesshow us when or if we're still
afraid love is unsafe.
And I think all three of ushave examples right of how our
bodies show us specifically thatlove is unsafe, and we
definitely want our listeners toknow very specifically for them
when their body is showing themso that they can take the
(03:46):
action they need.
Right, all right, so let's doit to it.
The lie we tell ourselves aboutdating right, there's no good
men.
What are some other things wehear women say about dating?
There's no good men, can't findthem.
Speaker 2 (03:58):
They just don't believe in love anymore.
Speaker 1 (04:00):
Yeah, right, but do you?
Speaker 3 (04:01):
think yeah, I've had my happiness.
Like I had my shot, I'll justbe with my children, yeah.
Speaker 1 (04:07):
Yeah, but but would they say that to us if we were,
if we're sitting with them Right?
Are they saying like oh, Idon't deserve in love divorce?
Through an action.
I think that they're the onesthat carry well, I already
screwed it up.
Speaker 2 (04:17):
Why should I deserve somebody that's actually good
for me?
Because you know I wasn't loyal, or I wasn't, you know whatever
.
Speaker 1 (04:34):
Or he screwed it up and I can't trust again.
Speaker 3 (04:40):
I believed that, like I bet, I had given him my best
years.
Like nobody's going to want menow.
You know, like my youth, I hadgiven him my youth.
Speaker 1 (04:51):
And nobody's going to want you now.
I think that is probably theway most women think about it.
Yeah, is I'm going to be usedup soon or I already am?
So, I'm not going to be able toattract anybody good Again, like
wanting, like more focused onbeing chosen than choosing.
Right, right, yeah, and that'sthe thing that's really
sabotaging most women right LikeA.
(05:12):
They haven't fully healed orrecovered from their heartbreak
and so love doesn't feel safe,right, and so they don't believe
in love or they don't believethey can trust men or whatever.
Right.
And then maybe even going backto childhood, there's like stuff
about how their parentsrejected them or abandoned them
that maybe they're aware of,maybe they're not.
And so then love it justreinforces right, it just gets
(05:32):
stuck in.
That same neural pathway oflove doesn't work out for me.
I know I definitely stilltackle that here and there in my
life.
But one of the things we learnedfrom working with Lori Gerber
right, our internal datingexpert, who has just helped
thousands and thousands andthousands of people like learn
(05:53):
how to date effectively.
Yeah, um, she talks about the3H method, right, that when you
are dating someone, you firsthave to identify for yourself
what is it that you want in therealm of head right, Like
intellectual attraction.
Heart right In the world oflove attraction.
(06:14):
And hoo-ha in the world of,like sexual attraction.
What are the things that youwant that make you feel excited
in eight out of a 10?
If you were scoring head, heartand hoo-ha, right, what are the
things that we, as women, needor want in those three
categories in a man?
None of the three of us wereable to sort of look at those
(06:37):
lists and say like, oh yeah,we're super clear.
What really lights us up in therealm of head, heart and hoo-ha
, whether it's with work or ourhusbands or whatever.
It is right, because you coulduse this 3-H method to like pick
a dress or pick your dinner offa menu at a restaurant right,
we get in our heads and we talkourselves into and out of like
10 million things.
Right, and women.
(06:57):
She showed us that women whohave been able to identify not
only what they really reallylove and want and head, heart
and hoo-ha, and understand whythat was sort of the key right
Is understanding why Brings sucha different level of attraction
and man into the realm, right.
And she tells the story abouthow, when she got clarity on
(07:18):
this, like she met her husband,like the next day.
So interesting, so interesting.
What do you, what do you ladies, notice about just sort of your
own approach to you know, um,love or making big choices in
life, or what you've seen otherwomen struggle with in terms of
really getting clear about whatyou want to choose, versus
constantly waiting to be chosen.
Speaker 2 (07:39):
I think in the beginning I was so attention
starved in my marriage, so whenI got divorced I would just
wanted attention from anythingfor anyone and I feel like a lot
of women feel this way and Icall it that breadcrumb
mentality.
When you go out and you'rebasically just putting up with
shitty men because they send youa good morning text or they
take you out on a date everyonce in a while or you know they
(08:01):
throw a few compliments yourway and so I felt like that was
very much me in the beginning,that I was just basically going
on dates to feel anything atthat point, because it had been
forever since I felt any type ofconnection or adoration or oh,
he thinks I'm hot or you knowwhatever.
And then I don't.
Really I never went through thethree H's.
(08:22):
I really really wish I wouldhave.
But I think for me what startedto happen is my scope started
to get more narrow and morenarrow and I couldn't really
pinpoint when I would go on adate with people why, I didn't
want to continue, but Ijust knew that something was off
.
I always felt like what I waslooking for was just genuine
connection with somebody andthat chemistry.
(08:43):
And I feel like, you know, whenI stopped getting physical
right away, when I stopped doingother things like that or that
attention seeking behavior, itallowed me to sit back and
really look at this man and say,Okay, is this somebody that I
can really see myself with?
And so I didn't have thosecheckboxes or lists, but I feel
like I had a good idea of what Iwas looking for, and the more
(09:04):
and more that I dated, thebetter I got at being able to
discount and dismiss the onesthat.
I just didn't feel like weregoing to be a match for me, so
for me it was a process over areally long time.
Speaker 1 (09:17):
I thought it was so interesting how she talked about
um, that we all have like adefault pattern, you know, and
mine is definitely head Like Iwill over-prioritize, like it
making sense on paper versusreally paying attention to how
it feels and or write thatbreadcrumb thing and I probably
toggled between those two thingspost-divorce, like it needed to
make sense on paper, or, if youwould give me any attention,
(09:40):
like great, I will fall on asword for you because dang yeah,
which is totally an attachmenttrauma issue and I always feel
like I went for men who nevermade sense either geographically
they were way too far away andthat that's a protective thing
too is self-protective over andover.
Speaker 2 (09:57):
Yes attract men that there will never be a future
with because of whatever reason.
That's also a protective thing,and I did that all the time.
Speaker 3 (10:05):
I went for um, I always gravitated towards men
who were emotionally unavailablebecause it was a comfort zone
for me.
Not being, you know, like, notbeing chosen, not being
prioritized, was like how I feltcomfortable, cause that's what
I knew from, you know, mychildhood, so like when I had he
would, what I knew from youknow my childhood, so like when
(10:26):
I had he would, you know, like,dangle a little carrot and just
send that one text of like hey,just thinking about you, and
then swoon right, I wouldabsolutely, you know, like, so
my, the the level of emotionalunavailability, the more
emotionally unavailable he was,the sexier he was to me, because
then I was like it's my comfortzone right, it's where I'm used
(10:48):
to it, yeah.
Speaker 2 (10:51):
It's also the women that go for men who are like
avoidant.
Also the women who arecaregivers and protectors
normally, and so they go for menwho need them as a deflection
from having to go deep and sharetheir own shit.
Like he has all this traumahe's dumping on me.
Great, I can fix him instead ofme having to share anything
that goes deep.
Speaker 1 (11:12):
Feel attacked yeah, wow, yeah, and so, right, true
closeness, really like to reallylet one's guard down and relax
into love, like that requiresbeing able to attract someone
who, you know, has a truly asafe vibration.
(11:33):
But that means we have to getto a place vibrationally where
we also feel safe, and that isthe mission that we're on around
here, right, and that meansbeing able to identify, like,
what are the things I want toneed, and not settling, right,
because I think what we've alldescribed, that we all do over
and over again, consciously orunconsciously, is settle and
talk ourselves into somethingbecause we don't believe in love
(11:55):
, because we don't believe inourselves, because we don't
believe in our worth, because wedon't believe in love, because
we don't believe in ourselves,because we don't believe in our
worth, because we don't believein whatever, right, and that is
just a recipe for eitheraloneness or to be hurt all over
again.
And so, no bueno, no bueno.
We have absolutely just loved,like looping Lori's process into
our 12-month program, right,because so powerful.
So then, the next thing, right,that we see happen about love
(12:19):
being safe is our flashbacks,right, this idea that the body
keeps a score when we're dating,right, and so really getting in
touch with what is your bodydoing, and do you recognize when
you're having a somaticflashback during the dating
process, or even considering orapproaching the dating process,
right, like when you'remessaging with someone, when
you're swiping with someone,when you're on a date with
(12:40):
someone?
Are you able to recognize themicro moments when you're, when
you're having a flashback?
And I think one of the thingsthat maybe we don't talk about
quite enough we do talk about it, but I think we could do better
is helping people understandwhen a flashback is about then
and it's not about now, right, Ithink that people in general.
(13:03):
I mean I got into a fight withmy husband this weekend because
he got so mad at our daughterand like maybe she was being a
shit right, like maybe maybe notlike whatevs.
But like the amount of upset hewas feeling was not about now,
it was about his childhood right.
And I was like bro, like that'sa lot of responsibility to have
your 10 year old like try tomake up for all of the emotional
(13:25):
pain you felt when you were aboy man.
Maybe, like playing Mario isjust not that serious, you know.
But I think that this is theman who edits this podcast and,
like, lives with me, right, andhe didn't realize he was having
a flashback and that it wasreally about then and not about
now.
So let's talk about helpingwomen really understand that
while they're dating right,these flashbacks are coming up
(13:45):
left, right and center.
Speaker 2 (13:47):
It happened to me a lot in the relationship that I'm
in now, in the very beginning,anytime that I was in a social
setting and I know I've talkedabout this before, but you know
where we live.
Breweries are a thing you knowand it's a very family oriented
thing.
People bring their dogs or kids, whatever.
It's a very safe environment.
Speaker 1 (14:04):
But because of my experience in bars and I was
going to say you spent a lot oftime in a bar as a kid, right
Like yeah, like we always didRight, like and it, like that,
and so that environment justalways became part of my thing.
Speaker 2 (14:21):
I play pool, I learned to play.
I could build a mean cardcastle with playing cards.
I could probably still do it,you know, but that was kind of
the environment, but then youknow and all of that got
collapsed with your childhoodstuff.
Speaker 1 (14:31):
right All your wounds , yeah.
Speaker 2 (14:33):
And like so sometimes you would see things or
whatever.
And then, of course, when Ichose relationships with men who
were big drinkers, you know,and they would kind of lose
themselves in that process whenwe were out and they'd either
get loud or they'd, you know,look at somebody else, or
whatever a little flirtation.
So all of that was likeingrained in me.
So, coming into thisrelationship, when I started
trying to go out and be socialagain with him, I would shut
(14:56):
down and I would sit in a cornerand just freeze, because I felt
like I had no control over mybody, my emotions, and I was
kind of reliving it and Istarted to dissociate like very,
very heavily.
And so what did it for me wasthat we did a workshop in our
program on somatic breath work.
And I had a huge break duringthat workshop where I was able
(15:20):
to tap into the emotions in mybody that truly indicated when I
was unsafe truly.
Not because of the anxiety I wasfeeling yes, and I remember
feeling this way as a child.
I remember that we had a familyfriend.
He was older than me, always alittle flirtatious, right Like
(15:40):
whatever, and this was when Iwas in a late teenager.
Like it's not like.
Speaker 1 (15:43):
I was a kid or anything like that.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
But I remember one time him and I were having a
conversation.
I told him that I was stressedout and he came over and started
rubbing my shoulders and thefeeling that I got it was like
my whole body got hot and I waslike something is not like I
felt sick you know what I meanand I was like there is
something.
So that is what I learned inthe workshop is that my body has
(16:05):
clear indicators to me when Iam not safe.
When there's danger, correct,and that's the same thing I felt
at times in my marriage andother relationships, where
somebody was lying or somebodywas doing something behind my
back and I knew it, even if theyweren't telling me.
I wasn't feeling anything likethat in my current relationship.
For me it was more of animmediate dissociation, and the
(16:25):
scary part was I had no warning.
We would be in a situation andall of a sudden I would just
freeze boop and I would sit inthe corner, and then he's
looking at me, like whathappened?
And I couldn't explain it.
It was like my brainautomatically had a road way
back to that and I just shutdown.
Speaker 1 (16:41):
I think being able to read the cues of our own body,
it's so magical, right, somagical.
Speaker 3 (16:49):
Tiffany, can you, can you?
I just have a question, justbecause I do think that
listening to our bodies issomething that the general
population is kind of coming to.
It's starting to become aconversation.
But what did it feel like, likeI've described on the podcast,
(17:09):
when I'm feeling, when I'mstarting to dissociate or when
I'm feeling something.
But like, what does your bodyfeel like when you are in that
moment?
Speaker 2 (17:17):
Like dissociating so for me I go into freeze mode.
It's a freeze, so I immediatelynumb out and I will dissociate
to the point where, if you askme what I said or did in those
times, I won't remember, like mybody literally blanks out.
So even if I'm having aconversation and I'm triggered
heavily in a conversation and Ifreeze.
I will not remember what I saidto you the next day.
(17:41):
My brain just shuts off.
So for me it is a feeling ofcomplete weightlessness and
literally numbing out likenothing makes sense and I just
shut down and it happened quickand it took me a long time to
learn the cues and myself towhere I could prevent that from
happening because it wouldhappen so fast.
I had about three seconds torationalize in my brain before I
(18:05):
was going to ruin my day andprobably everybody's around me.
Speaker 1 (18:09):
And joy.
Yours feels like a tingle inyour arms.
Speaker 3 (18:11):
Yeah.
So when I feel like I am unsafe, or like when we in the episode
we did the IFS session and Istarted justifying because I was
talking about my parents, right, and I started justifying like,
okay, what if they hear this?
What, what would I say?
Or what you know, I felt itlike I get, um, I feel it, I
feel it in my arms.
(18:31):
Or like when I get the rush ofanxiety of, let's say, I am
walking to the store and I seesomeone who would have
pre-homeopathy, pre-emdr,triggered me, I still go yellow,
like I still there, um, interms of that, person is an
unsafe person to me and so I Iget tingly is probably a good
(18:54):
word for it, tiffany like mywhole body is like um on fire,
almost fire almost.
Speaker 2 (18:59):
And I could see it physically on you that day, like
your arms lit up red Right yeah.
Speaker 1 (19:05):
And like my chest will get red and so right.
Speaker 3 (19:09):
So like I have a body sensation, I think you know,
like I have a friend who gets awave of headache when she is
emotionally triggered orsomething she's in process with
something.
She gets a headache, so likeit's very interesting.
That's why I wanted to ask,because I think that when people
hear other people's theyconnect, they can connect the
(19:30):
dots of like oh, I feel that too, that's what that means.
Or just kind of put the piecesback together or, you know, help
them, help our listeners, kindof piece together if they're not
aware.
And I do think that it's becomea conversation and becoming
aware, especially with ourlisteners, because we talk about
it all the time, right, but Ilike examples, Now that you're
(19:51):
talking about it.
Speaker 2 (19:51):
So it's jarring me now.
The first sign for me it'sdisorientation.
It feels, like my brain startsto slow down.
I get in an insane brain fogwhere I feel very disoriented,
like I'm about to pass out.
It'll be like my breathing getsheavy, like my heart starts,
like I literally feel like I'mabout to have a panic attack.
But it's that brain fog whereeverything starts to slow down
(20:13):
and my brain is like here we go,we're just going to start to
shut off.
Speaker 1 (20:21):
So that's when I've learned is the biggest sign in
my body that I need to use mytools, because I'm about to go
out, get grounded.
Speaker 3 (20:26):
Okay, cool, I like that, yeah, really interesting.
Speaker 1 (20:30):
Right To hear the stages of flooding into shutdown
, right, because I do think weexperience.
Well, there's a flooding rightbefore there's a shutdown,
that's so.
I love that you're able toarticulate that, tiffany.
But to see where everybodylands, right, do you land in
flooded or do you land in?
Speaker 3 (20:47):
you know, collapsed.
Yeah, right, right, and beingable to spot it.
So you can use a tool, you canuse a practice, you can use a
breathing technique or a vagalrelease or like something to
kind of catch it, and then thatpiece about how does one tease
(21:07):
out is the nervous systemactivation that you're
experiencing right now?
Speaker 1 (21:11):
is it actually about now or is it a flashback?
Right, because, realistically,unless someone is holding you at
knife, point right, like like atrue physical threat, right,
right, most triggers are reallyflashbacks.
Speaker 3 (21:29):
Right.
So it goes back to that, lori.
What Lori said was the why,like why am I feeling threatened
in this moment?
Why am I wanting to check out,like what is?
Because if you're walkingthrough Target and you see an
unsafe person in your mind, arethey really unsafe.
(21:50):
Like why am I reacting?
Because is it my body tellingme things Right, yeah, right,
but like in reality it's goingto be something from the past,
most likely just because, likethey're, they're not going to
cost me in target.
Like something is happening inmy body that's telling me, and
so being able to ask yourselfwhy, then you can kind of loop
back Like I really am safe, thisis past stuff, this is yeah,
(22:11):
asking yourself why, I think isa big, it's a big step in the
direction.
Speaker 1 (22:17):
So many of us would be able to justify and defend
that.
No, it's about what this personin front of me is doing right
now.
Right, like my husband wasconvinced this weekend that my
daughter was rejecting him, andI promise you she was not.
Like not really.
You know what I mean.
I think we really fall way tooeasily into the trap of thinking
like because, like, let's say,you're dating right and this guy
(22:40):
isn't, he's not hitting theeight out of a 10 and head,
heart and hoo-ha.
He's got behaviors.
He's inconsiderate or he's rudeor he's not really asking
questions or he's not engaged orhe's not available or whatever
it is right.
It's like oh okay, move on,thank you next, right, but
rather than thank you next, weget into a spiral about what
he's doing or not doing and whatI'm doing or not doing, right,
and we get in the weeds aboutall of that stuff rather than
(23:00):
just like, move on.
And that sort of getting in theweeds about it says like no,
actually I am triggered aboutthe past and I am doing this
repetition compulsion with thisperson in front of me.
It's not about them.
Speaker 2 (23:14):
But I feel like it's also having this mentality or
this assumption that we're stillstuck like in our marriage,
right?
So it's like when your husbandwould do things that would
trigger you tremendously.
It's like there's a differentsort of reaction because you're
married, you are in this withhim, and so it's like having to
endure that over and over.
But when you're dating it's avery temporary situation.
If somebody does something thatyou don't agree with or that
(23:37):
you're not okay with, you canvery simply say this person is
not for me and move on.
You don't have to sit in thatspace where you tolerate it, and
that's where so many women sitin that space.
Speaker 1 (23:46):
Subtle Because they're afraid that they're not
going to get a better shot right.
They don't believe in love orthey don't believe in their
worth or they don't believe thatgood men are out there.
Right, then their belief systemgets hijacks, their nervous
system yeah.
Speaker 3 (23:57):
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, what would you?
This is something we love to do, like stand on the couch and
all.
But, like, what would you sayto that woman who is coming to
you, your girlfriend, who'sstuck in this relationship?
That's just like.
And then I texted him and hewaited four days.
Text me back and da, da, da, da, da.
Like, what would you say to her?
(24:17):
She's married or she's dating,just dating, oh, yeah, move on.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
Yeah, it's not an eight out of a 10 in head heart
or hoo-ha if he's not respondingfor four days and I call it
that breadcrumb mentality.
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (24:30):
And I'd love to be that last week, when they texted
me about lack of response andthings like that, I said look,
the longer you stay in thebreadcrumb mentality, you're
never going to meet a man onyour level ever You're just
going to stay very bare bottom,because that's all you think you
deserve at this point.
Speaker 3 (24:47):
The bare minimum, like celebrating the bare
minimum.
Yeah, he, the bare minimum,like celebrating the bare
minimum.
Yeah, he texted me back and itonly took three days this time
instead of four days.
Speaker 2 (24:55):
And yeah, and here's what I want you to understand in
here too, because this was ahuge shift for me when I went
from being in the breadcrumbmentality to actually dating men
who, on paper right, whoactually started to be better
men quote, unquote, right theywere not attracted to me because
I was still in a breadcrumbmentality, so it's like they
(25:15):
could also see that.
I was not in a place where Iwas ready to receive and be on
their level, because I was stillso needy.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
Or.
Speaker 2 (25:23):
I would pick fights, or I would be like pick me, pick
me.
Speaker 1 (25:26):
Like I was so desperate, that desperate
intention it just like waftedoff of my energy and it made
them run it is a vibrationalgame, right, and you cannot fake
confidence, you cannot faketrust, you cannot fake faith,
you cannot fake these thingsright.
And so that's why we're sayingtoday that this isn't a dating
problem, it's a healing problem.
Speaker 2 (25:45):
Yes, and I would do this every time in my
relationships or my dating LikeI would start out and I would
feel super confident, super incontrol, super powerful, but
then something would happen andit would shift and they would
get too close, and then I wouldstart exposing the worst parts
of myself.
And then I was like well, peaceout, cause I screwed that up
every single time.
That was my routine.
Speaker 1 (26:05):
So let's talk about how all of these patterns have
shown up in our bodies and howthey show up in the bodies of
women, right.
So we want women to be able toknow.
We want them to be able to do abody scan, right, and say like,
oh, something is profoundlyactivated, not just triggered
right, not just nervous systemactivation.
We're going beyond that, right,like dating and the idea of
(26:27):
dating, the prospect of dating,right, is this mirror for our
deepest wounds and our biggestgrowth edges?
Right.
And so we want women to be ableto do a body scan and say, nope
, I have trauma layers or painlayers right, still stuck in my
body.
And so I think that this nextthing we're going to talk about
is very, very hard for women tosort of accept or recognize,
(26:49):
because mainstream medicine doesnot teach this.
In fact, it teaches the exactopposite of this.
So it can continue to rate yourprescriptions, right.
So, from Bessel van der Kolk'swork, the Body Keeps the Score
right, gabor, mate, like thedoctors, the MDs, right, who
have studied trauma and how itlands on our cells, have helped
us learn and understand.
And then homeopathy andeverything about it right, and
(27:10):
EMDR and IFS, and how things getlocked in our subconscious mind
in the way that our memory isstored, right?
We know that the majority ofphysical symptoms we experience
as humans started in our mental,emotional sphere.
The bulk, the majority ofphysical symptoms we experience
(27:30):
started as mental, emotionalpain or a negative belief about
self.
And people really have troublebelieving that.
They really have trouble buyingthat my back pain, my neck pain
, my UTI, my yeast infection, myhip pain, my foot pain, my fill
in the blank, is not about mymind, my emotions or my beliefs.
(27:53):
But there are three particularareas we want to help women
really dial into today right, wewant to talk about our own
experiences with it.
That when we have neck pain orstiffness, that is about things
that you have not spoken orprocessed right Anger, swallowed
words, swallowed words,swallowed words.
And that does not mean you haveto work it out with the person
it's about right, but it meansyou have not released it from
(28:15):
your body.
Neck pain and stiffness.
Throat issues right, not justneck like, as in your cervical
spine, but also like throatrelated issues.
Right, tonsils and throat pain.
And all of this right Is aboutswallowed emotion and words.
Pelvic pain so anything in thepelvic region, whether it's
(28:37):
constipation or diarrhea orthings in the uterine region or
UTIs or yeast infections or BVor all these things in the
pelvic region Is 100% stuffrelated to love and sex that is
stuck in your body, stuffrelated to fear that's stuck in
your body, right, because thatpelvic region gets into that
(28:58):
root groundedness, right.
Fear, anxiety, all that right.
And then hip pain is very, veryhip pain, and stuckness and
tightness is very, very muchabout not being able to trust
oneself and fear of movingforward, making decisions.
And so what would y'all say orask of the women who are
listening?
And it's like what the bulk ofmy physical symptoms are to do
(29:20):
with my mind, emotions orbeliefs.
Like get out of here the womenwho are, you know, peeing all
the time.
Like what that's about my mind,that's about my beliefs, like
what I'm going to share?
a crazy story and I can'tbelieve I'm about to share this,
but I'm going to share it.
Speaker 2 (29:37):
So when I was going through a massive amount of
stress and I know I've sharedthis before, just never in this
context my 15 year old cat waspassing away, I was felt like I
was losing my best friend anyway, like all of these things of
stress, right, and so I startedgoing to the bathroom all the
time, like I would pee every twoseconds.
I started feeling like mybladder was on fire.
They put me on six differenttypes of antibiotics.
(29:58):
Nothing was working.
So they sent me to urologist.
So I went to the urologist andshe was going to perform this
procedure or whatever it was,this test, and so what they have
you do is they have you pee andthen they bring you back into
the room, they insert a catheter.
Speaker 1 (30:16):
Like a balloon.
Speaker 2 (30:17):
Yeah, right, and just to see how much is left after
you've peed.
So she was sitting there, shewas holding the like kidney
shaped bowl that they have inthe hospital and she was seeing
how much pee would come back outof me.
Ladies, she was screaming downthe hall at one point for the
nurse to come help her because Iwas about to overflow after I
(30:39):
had just peed and she said thereis something like so.
then I had to go get a CAT scan.
You know they had to shoot meup with dye because they were
afraid that I might've had atumor or something that was
restricting my bladder fromfully opening and I was
retaining all of this urine.
So, ironically, once I starteddealing with the stress and once
(31:00):
I started being treatedhomeopathically, I have never
had another flare ever.
And this is where I went tomultiple doctors who told me you
have to avoid these foods.
You know you can't eat pineappleanymore, or onion or the things
that, or coffee, and I was like, oh my God, I can't have coffee
anymore.
But they would tell me to stayaway from all this acidic stuff.
So once I started getting onhomeopathy, I have never had a
(31:23):
flare since then.
Or another IC issue, and when Itell you that that was so
telling for me that how stressmanifests itself in the body, it
was insane.
Speaker 1 (31:34):
And grief, would you say.
Grief, especially in thatmoment.
I mean, you had a lot of thingsgoing on, right, but the grief
is like what pushed it over theedge.
Loss, yeah.
Speaker 2 (31:43):
And I'd never experienced stress physically to
that effect, to where it wasliterally getting in the way of
my everyday life and I was notconnecting the two at all.
Speaker 1 (31:52):
I could tell a bajillion of those stories about
my body.
But, um, you know, I see itover and over with patients
right, neck, hip, pelvic issuesLike those are the ones I think
that in relationship it's likeand I have certainly had, I
guess, me more neck and pelvicrelated stuff.
Like my neck, you know, hasbeen such a challenge for so
(32:16):
many years.
It's super stable now but likethat took a lot to really purge
all the suppressed emotion frommy body, right from my neck, to
get really nice and stable andfluid and moving and whatever.
But I see it over and overagain with women who need to
rage, need to scream, need tosay the things that they've just
been swallowing for so manyyears.
I see a lot of women too withhip pain, right and men.
(32:39):
It's not just women right, butso much hip pain and like fear
of moving forward.
Speaker 3 (32:47):
I think I've been between.
Out of the three of us, I thinkI'm the one that has taken the
longest to kind of get on boardwith the emotions manifest in
your body.
But recently, like I had a hugefight with my husband and I
woke up to severe pelvicdiscomfort, but it was like a
(33:08):
safety issue, slash emotion.
That wasn't support right, thatI wasn't facing or verbalizing
or working through, and you andI kind of argued a little bit
about it because I was like no,there's something physically
wrong with me.
And you were like get ittogether.
Speaker 1 (33:25):
And there was.
You know, there is right, thebody is experiencing.
Right.
Because, you know, when I heardpeople talk like, let's say, a
decade ago or like even longer,right where, when I'm studying
trauma and I'm becoming atrauma-informed therapist and
people are talking aboutpsychosomatic symptoms, I'm like
no, I don't think youunderstand, like my head hurts
right, right, right.
Speaker 3 (33:43):
No, like it really is an issue it really hurts yes
yes, right, and that's true.
Speaker 1 (33:49):
Like there are very real.
Like I have heart damage.
That heart damage is real, thatcame from trauma.
It like, right, like thesemental and emotional symptoms
can damage the body.
There are very real symptoms.
They're not in your head, right, they're not, but they
originate in our minds, right,they originate in our minds,
yeah, or our emotions, ourbeliefs.
They originate in our minds,yeah, or our emotions, our
(34:10):
beliefs.
And then that's the design isfor the body to say, hey, here's
something you're not workingthrough.
And I think that we are such asuppressed society and we've
just been thrown prescriptions,right, and then we have side
effects from the prescriptionsand like all the things, right,
but we can't see the forest fromthe trees.
(34:31):
When we first start this work,right, because we have so many
symptoms, and then we think thatwe've been told that's just
about aging or it's just what itis and I don't know, right, but
it really is one for one, right, we have these unresolved
mental, emotional and beliefsystem issues and they land
square in our bodies.
And that's the design, and it'sa beautiful design, but we
can't tolerate.
We get so scared of symptomsand then we got to engage with
(34:51):
the medical system, and themedical system is such a
nightmare to participate in.
Right, and then that's its ownstressor.
Speaker 3 (34:59):
Right, right, or you're just told it's normal.
It's normal, yeah, get used toit.
Speaker 2 (35:05):
In the specials of sinus, they said it's an
autoimmune disease and when Iwould look at it, it said
something about the brainperceiving pain or there's
something wrong with the nervesthat are misfiring to where your
body feels like you're in pain,but technically you're not, and
I was like that's crazy.
But you were in pain Because Ifeel like I'm on fire right now.
Speaker 1 (35:25):
Yeah, but you were in pain, right, it was mental and
emotional pain, and then itshowed up in your body.
That's right.
Speaker 2 (35:30):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (35:31):
And you know the region of our brain that
processes, it processes pain.
It doesn't distinguish betweenmental, emotional, physical pain
right, it's a pain center.
There's a pain center in ourbrain.
That's right and it's.
Everything is linked togetherand you cannot separate the
bladder from the brain, from theheart, from the whatever.
Right, they are interconnectedsystems that function together
(35:54):
and it's beautiful system.
And I, my wish for women isthat they would really take a
look at what is your bodytelling you right now, because
all the chronic symptoms youhave, right, every chronic
symptom you're experiencing, onethat has been reoccurring,
whether that's anxiety or it's aphysical pain, right, says
there's something unprocessed,there's something you have not
(36:16):
dealt with yet.
Speaker 2 (36:17):
What do you think about menstrual pain and how
that associates?
And here's why I'm askingBecause prior to taking sepia, I
would always have stabbingpains during my period I would
have really heavy cramps.
I'd be very tired, like energywiped.
And so after taking sepia forabout three months during my
cycle now I don't even know whenmy period's coming Like.
(36:42):
There's literally no symptoms.
I get no cramps.
I can work out during my period, which is foreign to me.
So that's pretty wild.
Speaker 1 (36:47):
Yeah, so I am sure that Joy is going to have some
feedback here, right, but yeah,so I am sure that Joy is going
to have some feedback here,right, but cramps are going to
be a combination, a layeredcombination of mental, emotional
issues, demineralization andendocrine overall, right, like
endocrine dysfunction.
So it's not any one thing, butabsolutely cramps are 100%
(37:07):
related to I'll just say overallhow we're supporting ourselves
or not.
I read this reel, or I watchedthis reel this weekend, was like
fascinating how we'll sell somany women's supplements to help
them feel less tired ratherthan just support them so that
they can be less tired.
Right, it's like yeah, we're sodepleted in general, right, and
that's why cramps.
(37:28):
And then you know, when you seeteenagers start with such
horrible painful periods, likeyes, there's inherited stuff,
there's like inheriteddysfunction, right, endocrine
dysfunction, and then weimmediately add a suppressive
medication, aka like birthcontrol pills, and then it just
goes deeper into the body.
And so, you know, one of theremedies we've been using lately
(37:48):
in our family is semisafuga,and that is a remedy that has a
lot of cramps, right, butrelated to birth trauma, and you
know, some depression and some,just right, like impending doom
stuff, and that one leads to alot of uterine cramping and so
like if you're adequatelymineralized, if you're getting
enough rest, if you're eatinghealthy foods, and you're still
(38:10):
having cramps, like absolutelyit's a mental, emotional sphere
thing inherited, or, yeah, fromyour lived experience.
And I know, joy, you've well, Idon't want to pull up your spot
, I don't think you care.
You've dealt with a lot of PCOS, right, like we've really been
working to recover you from PCOS.
And so that journey has beenremarkable.
(38:31):
Yep.
Speaker 3 (38:33):
Yeah, the amount of times that I have gone to a
highly, highly respected, highlyeducated, highly competent
doctors and told them mysymptoms and they run all the
tests and I do all the things.
They're like oh, you're withinnormal range, but I knew
something was right, because Ishould not be, it's not.
I knew there was somethingbetter than being like in the
(38:55):
fetal position with 800ibuprofen every four hours.
I was killing my kidneys and myliver and all the things
because I could not function.
So and then you know, dealingwith all of those symptoms, I
mean I've been on birth controlsince I was 16 because I had
ovarian cysts and so, like, Ihad ovarian cysts and I had this
(39:18):
.
But then, because I had threebabies in two years, they're
like oh, you don't have itbecause you got pregnant easily,
naturally.
I'm like but why doeseverything else fit?
So I was constantly in massiveamounts of pain.
I was constantly in massiveamount of symptoms that the
medical community just was justlike oh, it's normal.
(39:40):
So, working homeopathically,it's gotten drastically,
drastically, drasticallydifferent and better.
But I have been, you know, likeI've noticed, with my daughter,
my 13 year old daughter, who isalready struggling with those
same things because they wereinherited, so like right.
Speaker 1 (40:01):
Right, cause she's never been on birth control,
right?
So we can't say like, oh well,we suppressed her system with
birth control.
Right, it's not that, but sheinherited that suppressed system
from you.
Speaker 3 (40:10):
Yeah, yeah, right, right, and like what I was going
through when I was pregnantwith her and what what you know
she genetically came with.
um, you know, like sorry girl,but us working through that
homeopathically has made such adifference.
But it's also helping her bebody aware and, you know,
(40:32):
helping her feel her body andkind of articulate what's going
on.
But yeah, man, those PCOS it'sawful.
And so working through theemotions, like how much of that
was my childhood or my marriageor all these things because of
my emotions and I didn't knowhow to process them, didn't even
know they were there inemotional sphere, right that
(40:55):
awareness.
So working through somatics andmy friends know that I'm going
to be throwing pillows or I'mgoing to be like I go like this
a lot when I'm.
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (41:08):
Regulating regulating Right.
Helping my body process and workthrough those emotions is,
along with the homeopathic hasbeen a game changer for my, so I
want to circle back tosomething, because you said that
you've had providers tell youthat your hormone levels are
normal A whole life, your wholelife, and because that is
(41:31):
fascinating.
So there's a remedy that werecently started, just this week
.
Right, I ordered it and I knewthat you and I both needed it.
But this is so, so interesting,because I would say that my
hormones have not been normal.
Right, I've had the opposite,where it was clear that they
were all tanked.
But then how to get them up toappropriate levels?
Right?
So you're saying yours havebeen at appropriate levels, but
(41:53):
obviously you're having symptomsthat say they're not Okay.
So this really, really nicheremedy, we've been working with
sex hormone binding globulin.
We're in the weeds right now.
But, ladies, what I want you tohear from this right, is that
your body is telling the storythat it needs to be told, right?
So sex hormone binding globulinis a chemical that indicates
(42:14):
whether or not, whether you havetoo much of it or not enough of
it, right, dictates whether ornot the sex hormones you have in
your body are being utilized orstored.
And so you can I didn't evenrealize this Joy that you are
someone who the doctors willtell you.
You have enough of it, but itis not being utilized properly,
right?
Perhaps it's being stored, orperhaps it's being right, and so
(42:37):
when we put sex hormone bindingglobulin in your body, now
those hormones are beingmetabolized appropriately, and
then you have even more of those.
PCOS symptoms.
Pcos so super duper, duper,duper interesting, there is
always a solution.
There are several differenttypes of PCOS too.
Pcos so super duper, duper,duper interesting, there is
always a solution.
There are several differenttypes of PCOS too.
Speaker 3 (42:54):
We've really gotten in the weeds on this particular
episode, but I think it'sprobably very relatable to how
many women you know.
Speaker 1 (43:03):
Yeah, yeah, right.
And so if you're having insulinresistance or you're having
histamine issues, if you'rehaving PCOS stuff right, know
that your body is keeping thescore.
It's related to all of theinherited trauma that your
parents experienced, that youhave experienced, and if you
especially have neck pain,pelvic issues or hip pain, know
(43:25):
that it's a mental, emotionalsphere, stuff that has to, has
to, has to be processed in orderfor you to really have the kind
of healthy love you crave.
Speaker 2 (43:36):
I would say the first time, like after I went through
that with my doctor, clearly Idismissed my whole medical team
and kind of moved on.
But I will say that kind ofwhat changed for me when it
comes to quote unquote, modernmedicine was seeing an osteopath
when I went to see her, andthey are trained to treat the
person, not just the symptoms.
So when I sat there with her,and she spent 20 minutes with me
(43:58):
and her first question was canI ask you what homeopathy you're
taking?
Speaker 1 (44:01):
I'm like, oh my God, like I felt seen in that moment,
mds think that DOs are idiots,you know, and and I get that
because she was the one thathelped me the most, though I
know, I know, but they theythink they're under trained and
whatever.
And then some DOs willprescribe so many supplements,
right that then the liver andkidneys get really, really
stressed because it's too manysupplements.
So it's like, yeah, I know,it's rough out there.
Speaker 2 (44:24):
It is, it is.
Speaker 1 (44:28):
All right, we love you so much.
Peace.
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