September 30, 2025 • 37 mins
You didn’t plan on single-mom life at 40. You didn’t plan on working full-time while juggling sick kids, homework, and Tylenol runs at 2 a.m. You didn’t plan on losing the “white picket fence” identity you once posted on social media.
This week on Dear Divorce Diary, we’re getting real about what happens when your stay-at-home-mom world collapses and you have to become everything—breadwinner, nurturer, disciplinarian—overnight.
Inside this honest conversation, you’ll hear:
- Why the transition from stay-at-home to single working mom is such a shock to your nervous system
- How overcompensating for your kids (or trying to be “both parents”) leaks your energy
- Simple, free grounding tools that help you become a true safe space for your kids—and for yourself
You’ll also learn why presence—not perfection—is the thing your children (and your body) crave most, and how nervous-system regulation after divorce can completely shift the way you parent.
💛 Your first “Magic Drop” is free.
Grab our 21-day immersive Post-Divorce Roadmap journaling program at the link below, step inside our Cocoon community, and you’ll automatically be entered into our weekly Magic Drop giveaways—self-care items, homeopathy goodies, and even private sessions.
👉 Claim your Post-Divorce Roadmap & join the Cocoon Magic Drops
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn
Instagram: (@dawnwiggins)
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On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_01 (00:00):
No one warned me.
No one warned me.
That's the quiet thought so manymoms carry but never dare to
say.
You do everything for yourchildren.
You love them fiercely.
And yet underneath you feel thisbone-deep loneliness,
exhaustion, and resentment.
And divorce only sharpens that.
And then comes the shame.
You're supposed to be gratefulfor your children, you tell
(00:22):
yourself.
Other moms have it worse.
But pushing down these feelingsdoesn't make it go away.
And today we are naming thetruth.
Why the very thing you fear willmake you a bad mom is actually
the thing that saying out loudwill set you free.
Hi, love.
(00:43):
Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary,the podcast helping divorcees go
beyond talk therapy to processyour grief, find the healing you
crave, and build back yourconfidence.
I'm your host, Don Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer, and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
(01:12):
Darlings, in today's episode, weare covering the intersection of
divorce, identity, andmotherhood, and how freaking
hard it is to be a mom in apost-divorce life.
So the three big topics we aregoing to cover is the identity
loss.
Why you still feel like astranger in your own skin, and
it's because it's not just aboutyour ex, it's grieving a version
(01:36):
of motherhood you thought you'dhave.
And there's grieving this sortof version where there's space
to be more than just a mom rightnow.
We're also going to talk aboutthe nervous system twist, right?
The sneaky way your bodyconfuses sometimes love with
danger during transitionweekends and how that survival
wiring shapes the way youapproach motherhood.
(01:58):
And so we're going to bechecking out and talking about
the various ways you can takekind of rethink if your kids are
unsafe or if they aren't unsafeor if your nervous system is
reaching for control or if itactually needs to problem solve
and sort of how all of that getsbraided and blended together and
you lose track of a clear pathsometimes and the ability to
calm your nervous system.
(02:18):
And then we're also going totalk about the place towards the
end of the episode where youleak energy the most, which
often boils down tosecond-guessing so many of your
decisions, not being able todiscern anxiety from intuition,
and it drains more energy thanactual motherhood.
And then your resentment growsand you're mothering from duty
(02:38):
instead of desire.
And so we're gonna share at theend of the episode the telltale
signs you're in this energy leakloop and how to break it.
Good morning, ladies.
SPEAKER_00 (02:49):
Hey there.
SPEAKER_01 (02:50):
Ooh, TIFTIF, what's what's what's up with your voice
today?
SPEAKER_00 (02:55):
I have a really sexy ragweed allergy.
SPEAKER_01 (03:01):
It's perfect for podcasting.
SPEAKER_00 (03:04):
Thank you.
SPEAKER_01 (03:05):
Alright, let's unpack mom identity loss after
divorce, right?
Like all the ways in which we,you know, lost ourselves in the
marriage.
It's a post-divorce world, we'retrying to rebuild our lives, and
then it's like all there is islike moming.
And this grief about like, I hada different conception of what
(03:26):
motherhood was gonna be in myfamily, right?
Like it's so it's the kind ofmother I want to be, maybe is
not even available currently.
SPEAKER_00 (03:34):
I was a stay-at-home mom in my marriage, and so that
fit for me, and I loved beingable to be home with her and
being able to be there to be thedomestic goddess that I was,
right?
Like that was kind of my idealof what I wanted.
And then post-divorce,everything got put on me, and I
(03:55):
went from being a stay-at-homemom to being a full-time working
mom and being pretty much theonly parent because he was
always deployed or traveling orwhatever.
So every single thing got thrownon me very quickly, right out
the gate, and I had to justfigure it out.
SPEAKER_01 (04:10):
This is very interesting.
We I don't think we've everunpacked this because I've
always been a working mom.
And I am very curious toconsider how it's a harder
transition for a stay-at-homemom in a post-divorce situation,
right?
When she has to go to work andfigure out how to single mom.
Like that's a freaking lot.
SPEAKER_02 (04:31):
So that was my experience as well.
I was a single mom.
I had three um at the time, I Ihad a um six-year-old and two
four-year-olds at home.
My six-year-old was specialneeds, like my twins had um
health difficulties and goingtwo and a half hours away.
Every you know what I mean?
Like all of that, that was theonly thing, right, for
(04:52):
specialists, and that was theonly thing I really did was mom
and wife, and we had the whitepick of events appearance.
I you know what I mean.
And so to lose all of that, andnow I'm having to like, okay,
how am I gonna support and be astay-at-home mom?
Um, I have my cosmo cosmetologylicense and I would work here
(05:13):
and there.
So it wasn't I had a place to goin terms of a profession, but
going through that identity ofmoving from the white picket and
fence, everything's perfect onsocial media, having three small
children to now, okay, now Ihave to find babysitters and now
(05:34):
I have to have transportation,and now I have to get Tylenol at
2 or 2 a.m.
And I think that's probably oneof the most moments in that
journey in that season that rethat resonated so much to me is
because I always had someonewith me and now I don't, and now
my kid is sick and I'm ran outof Tylenol and I have no one and
(05:56):
I'm trying to juggle all ofthat.
But also try to figure out how Igot here at 40 years old.
Now I'm be single at 40 withthree small children, trying to
figure out who I am and how didI get here, but also be the mom
that they need.
So I'm trying to work on myselfand they keep on asking me
(06:17):
questions I can't answer, Idon't understand, and falling on
the floor crying with them asI'm navigating.
And we'll talk more about thatlater in the episode about
nervous system states and tools,but like in that moment of
trying to navigate this worldthat I don't know and I don't
(06:37):
know how to navigate as a40-year-old single mom of three
small children and now having togo to work and wash the dishes
and cook the meals and do thelaundry and all of those things
that I just zero stars, do notrecommend.
SPEAKER_00 (06:53):
Yeah, yeah.
People always ask me, they'relike, What what was harder?
Was it staying at home or was itbeing a working mom?
Like which one was harder?
And I say they both are fuckinghard.
They're both fucking hard.
Like if you're if you're astay-at-home mom or you were
like you have all my lovebecause it is hard.
(07:14):
Working moms, it's the samething.
Like it's just motherhood ishard no matter how we approach
it.
And when you're doing it byyourself, it it magnifies
everything.
And and yeah, like I said, Ijoked before, I wanted to be the
mom that baked the pies, youknow, and dressed like the pinup
girl, and you know what I mean?
Like all that cute stuff.
You know, and then I I went intothis zone where like I was still
(07:36):
trying to do all of that for herand be present with her.
And I think that's the thingthat I miss the most is how do I
be a present mother with her anddo all the things I want to do
without getting lost in my ownthoughts.
Because again, with my identityloss, I had just moved to the
beach.
You know, anytime she wasn'twith me, I was out, I was
partying, I got my nose pairs, Iwent and got a few new tattoos.
(07:58):
Like I was really reaching,ladies.
I know what will solve thispain.
I'm gonna shove a needle throughmy nose.
Um, yeah.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (08:10):
You know what?
I I have learned now, a decadelater, that truly what matters
most to my kid is my presence,right?
Like, truly, truly, truly,that's what she wants more than
anything is my undividedattention and ability to like
interface with her in a way thatfeels attuned and interested and
(08:30):
proud and whatever, right?
And to just like be with her ina meaningful way.
But I will tell you that many,many years ago, when I was doing
the like, let me be the doeverything mom, like um, let me
make sure you have everything Ididn't have, my attention, the
vacations, the belongings, thebirthday parties, like all the
things, right?
And it was sort of about theproduction of it all.
(08:52):
She still didn't appreciate allof that in the way that I needed
her to.
And how much time, money, andenergy did I spend trying to
chase giving her everything whenthe thing that she really,
really wanted and needed morethan anything was just present.
And I think that that's thething that we as mothers need
(09:12):
also is presence with and forourselves.
And it's the thing we run awayfrom at this season, right?
Is the ability to be presentbecause when we're present with
ourselves, then the pain comescrashing in, then the grief
comes crashing in, and we justwant to freaking run away from
all of that pain.
And so it's like, I think wesell ourselves a lie that if I
stay busy giving my kids allthese things and trying to
(09:33):
bridge the gap and blah blahblah blah blah, I can both
escape my pain and escape myfear that they're gonna be
missing something, but reallythere's like there's no going
around it.
SPEAKER_00 (09:43):
Yeah, I remember I was at a get together when Ari
was younger, and some mom cameup to me and she was a married
mom, and she said to me, Ialways feel like single moms
overcompensate for their kids.
And I remember being so pissedoff at that comment, but it was
so true.
It was so true, at least for me,because I felt like I had to be
(10:05):
everything.
I had to be mom and dad, I hadto be nurture and
disciplinarian, which that's afucked up line to walk anyway, I
think, for anybody.
So for me, yeah, it was it wasso difficult for me to try to
figure out how to do all thethings and be everything for her
when, like you said, all shewanted was me to go sit on the
beach with her and watch her docartwheels, you know.
(10:27):
She didn't know how poor we werein the beginning.
Like she had no idea how much wewere struggling financially.
Like if mom came home with asmile on her face at the end of
the day and we could spend timeplaying Barbies or playing a
board game or cuddled upwatching a movie, she was in
heaven.
Like, that's it.
SPEAKER_01 (10:43):
And I don't know about you, but I was terrible at
playing with my kid.
Like, I was not able to bepresent enough to like sit and
play with my kid.
I could sometimes mustercoloring with her, and so I
would say, like, let's colortogether.
SPEAKER_02 (10:56):
But like, other than that, like No, I feel that and
the reason I laugh is because mygirls and I were talking about
this the other day is because II did I was not a good player, I
was a good facilitating anactivity, mom, like the the
coloring, the play-doh, stufflike that.
But as as playing, and so wewere driving down the road just
the other day talking about it,and so we would play Barbies,
(11:16):
and I'd always be the momBarbie, but then mom mom Barbie
had to take a nap.
So mom would go take a nap, andlike they were like, You were
always so tired as a Barbie.
SPEAKER_01 (11:26):
I'm like, Yes, exactly, exactly, exactly.
All right, loves.
Let's talk about you know, thenervous system and how it really
struggles as single mom afterdivorce because the brain, the
mind, the mind and the nervoussystem, right, they're not good
at discerning true threat versusperceived threat.
(11:48):
Right?
So, so it just bases itsreactions and its responses
based off what our beliefs areand what our thoughts dictate,
right?
And so if we don't get a hold ofour thoughts and we don't
intentionally coach our mindsand our nervous systems, right?
It just keeps going the way thatit's been going, right?
The past ends up predicting thefuture.
So let's talk about like inthese early days post-divorce
(12:10):
and you're single momming, andit feels like letting your kids
go is dangerous and then they'renot safe, and that you have to
control it.
And maybe they aren't safe,maybe they are, right?
But it's like where your nervoussystem stays chronically and
constantly activated because youfeel so out of control.
What would you say to the womanwho's really struggling to
(12:34):
discern how to take care of herown nervous system in those
early days of transition?
SPEAKER_00 (12:42):
I always challenge my clients and say it's safety
and control.
What is it that you're seekingright now?
Are you trying to gain controlbecause you don't like how he
has his home set up?
You don't like how he parents,how he spends his time, that he
has friends over.
Like what is it?
Or is your child seriously indanger?
Because there are two differentthings.
Um, and I dealt with both in mydivorce.
(13:03):
There were times when I wasseeking so much control because
I didn't like the way thatthings were going.
However, there were times whenmy child was truly in danger,
you know, in her younger yearsgrowing up with her dad, who is,
you know, an extreme adrenalinejunkie and just kind of, you
know, took her along for theride.
So there were like there were,yeah.
So, you know, like, yes, therewere times when I felt like it
(13:26):
was an issue.
But then also what I wouldchallenge you to say is that are
your kids also feeling that andand driving it too?
Because there were times when mydaughter would try to dramatize
certain situations knowing thatI would get involved or jump in
when really she wasn't in dangerat all.
It was perfectly fine, you know?
SPEAKER_01 (13:46):
And though, I think that a lot of it's both for
many, many women, right?
Like, like there is the storieswe tell ourselves, right, and
the perceived threat, and thatis real, right?
And then also, like I thinkabout some, right, like like the
type A mom, which I wouldcertainly say that I'm like a
recovering type A that still hasheavy type A tendencies, where
(14:09):
it's like, I would be the momthat's like, I don't like the
food choices you're making forour child.
She can't have three pieces ofcheese, she can only have one.
Like that would that would beme, right?
Like, yeah.
Um, and also, right, um, my exwould be the person also who
would have been driving underthe influence, you know.
(14:30):
So there would be like thiscombination of things, right?
But at the end of the day, whenwe don't have the ability to
control, how are we getting backand grounding our nervous
systems so that we can havemoments of safety?
And then what are we relying onto create safety, right?
Are we um recognizing how ournervous systems being grounded
(14:52):
is part of creating safety forour children, that when we're in
constant fight, flight, orfreeze, that we are not a
grounded sense of safe feelingfor our kids, right?
You can't fake nervous systemregulation or dysregulation,
it's vibrational and theirenergy fields will pick up on
it, right?
I think that if I could reallyhelp moms all over the world
(15:12):
hear that your nervous systemgrounded and elastic, right?
Nervous systems are meant to beable to respond in a healthy way
to stress and have properreactivity in a time of stress,
and then also are meant to likereturn to a healthy, flexible
state where you can rest anddigest, right?
Where you can feel and perceivea sense of safety as well.
And I think post-divorce singlemomming does not lend itself to
(15:35):
feeling a sense of safety, butlike that is what actually
creates the healthiestattachment style and the
healthiest nervous system forour kiddos is when our nervous
systems are grounded and welland flexible.
And I think to do that, we haveto have also a faith in
something greater than us,right?
There is this mystery of faiththat I think also says, like,
(15:56):
okay, the solution has to bebigger than the problem, and I
have to keep my eyes on workinga solution because if I keep
looking at this problem, mynervous system is never going to
feel safe.
SPEAKER_00 (16:06):
And you want your kids to be a safe space to come
home for the weekend and sharehow their weekend went without
feeling like you're constantlyanalyzing everything they say
and poking and prodding becausethat's not fair either.
And kids will start filtering.
Well, and they'll they'll feel aneed to protect that parent.
And so you've got to be able tobe that safe space for them
without reacting.
(16:28):
You can get on the phone withhim and react, but not with your
kids.
SPEAKER_01 (16:32):
I mean, but how useful is he is that even for
most people?
SPEAKER_00 (16:36):
It's it's not.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (16:38):
I think it's it's not it's all part of letting go,
right?
I think that letting go is sucha journey and it happens in
layers, and it's such achallenge.
And you know, we talk a lotabout grief around here, but
sort of the idea that at leastat first, right, the grief
doesn't go away.
It's just like you build a lifearound the grief that gets
(17:00):
bigger than the grief, right?
And and that's and if you keepstaying focused on the problem
and the grief, like yes, youhave to feel it, you have to
release it, you have to acceptit, you have to forgive it, you
have to do all of these thingswhile single moming.
Um I mean, and and all of that,right?
The secrets we keep, the and inthis post-divorce phase, like
all the things about what he didor didn't do, and all of the
(17:22):
things about what we did anddidn't do, right?
All of that is a constantchronic nervous system
aggravator when all of that isliving in our body.
So yeah, good point, right?
How do we how do we help ournervous systems really downshift
so that we can truly be safeplaces, attuned places for
ourselves and for our kiddos?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (17:39):
Well, and I think what I would want women to
realize too is that look, you'redivorced for a reason.
Clearly there were things thatyou were not on the same page
about.
So why would parenting be anydifferent?
And just because your ex isgiving your Yeah, right?
But like, even though your ex isgiving your child a different
experience, it doesn't mean thatit's a bad experience.
(18:00):
Um, and I have so many friendstoo that they get jealous as
hell that like the ex can takethe kids here and there and do
this and do that and what likeDisney Can you not just be happy
with your kid?
Like be happy that you're gonnabe able to do it.
No, we're jealous.
We're jealous, we're jealous,we're jealous, we're jealous.
I hate that.
I know.
I just hate for that because I'mlike, oh my god, you know?
Like my ex has been able to takemy daughter to do some really
(18:23):
amazing things that some of themI wouldn't be able to afford,
some of them, you know, atcertain times or whatever.
And I was always genuinely happyfor her.
Like when she came back, I wasalways so excited to hear about
it because I just was so happythat she got the experience,
even though I wasn't there.
Well, some of us really strugglemore with jealousy than you do,
then Tifferdoodle.
I guess so.
(18:44):
Well, and I'm not saying that Iwasn't resentful as fuck about
all that.
Like I was really resentfulabout a lot of that.
Um, but as far as like him beingable to take her places and do
things with her, you know, I wasgood with it.
Him having wife number two, wifenumber three, spending holidays
together.
I didn't care.
I was like, the more themerrier, come on in.
(19:05):
Like, it's fine.
It's fine.
SPEAKER_01 (19:06):
And that's genuinely true, right?
The more the merrier reallygenerally tends to be the case,
right?
Like love and life is not a pie.
There are infinite solutions,there's infinite love, but a lot
of times we're not tapped intothat.
And yeah, but yeah.
All right, let's talk a bitabout one of the places we tend
(19:27):
to see moms leak energy themost.
And it's sort of this idea ofsecond guessing everything and
really parenting from a place ofanxiety rather than intuition,
and just really overthinking,over-analyzing, second guessing,
worrying about what he's gonnasay, what the court is gonna
say, what the other people aregonna say, like just really sort
(19:48):
of not being able to get ahandle on just living from a
place of groundedness, right?
Let's talk about some of thetelltale signs.
You're stuck in that energy leakloop because I think most people
don't realize, I I cannot screamthis from the rooftops loud
enough, that motherhood actuallyisn't as exhausting as it has
(20:10):
the reputation for being.
We as a modern female communityare exhausted, our vital force
is depleted in general, period.
And it's because we'redemineralized, it's because
we're underrested, it's becauseour priorities are in the wrong
place, it's because of how we'vebeen living for a very, very
long time.
And so we're just exhaustedeverywhere, and that gets pinned
on motherhood, right?
(20:30):
But motherhood itself isn'tisn't that exhausting, but we
end up wasting a lot of ourprecious, precious energy on
anxiety loops and not beinggrounded in a sense of
intuition.
So let's help the ladies reallyhear, right, how they can
identify when they're stuck inthat energy leak loop and how to
(20:52):
shift out of it, how to breakthat cycle.
SPEAKER_02 (20:55):
I I feel like I'm still in breaking that cycle.
So I love that.
SPEAKER_01 (21:00):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, we were texting about thatthis week.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (21:04):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So the things that I'm trying todo currently, right?
This is like a this is thejourney I am on real time.
I'm trying to break the cycle ofgiving away my energy when I
don't have it to give, and thenI and then I wind up crashing.
And so, like let me break thatdown a little bit differently.
(21:24):
Let me say that differently.
I have been a people pleaser.
My, you know, one of my managersis a people pleaser, and I have
been a I pride myself that Godput me on this earth to serve.
And I I genuinely bring joy, itbrings me joy to serve and to be
the fun, exciting mom that plansall these minute-to-winnet
(21:47):
parties for their children andextravagant end of the summer
holiday days.
Blowout.
I love right, I love that.
But what I have been working onpersonally is I can't say yes to
everything because A, I'm I'mdepleted and I need to own the
(22:12):
fact that I have I have causedmyself to be so depleted by
saying yes and doing all thethings and being available, and
you know, and so now I have a13-year-old who gets mad at me
because I ask her to wash adish.
You know what I mean?
Because I've I've always justbeen the person that does it.
And so I'm trying to retrain myfamily as well as myself.
(22:34):
That's I shouldn't a commonphrase I've been saying a lot
lately is I'm the single pointof failure.
Like everything in this home, inthis house, and their childhood
is on me.
And that is absolutely not theway it's supposed to be.
And so we're supposed to be ateam, we're supposed to be a
family, we're supposed to be aunit, right?
And so saying no more than I sayyes has been a thing, but that's
(23:00):
everything, excuse me.
That's everything.
That's like saying no to myfriends, so I because I'm gonna
be at the ball field here or atthe skating rink here, or I have
too much already happening.
So saying no more than I sayyes, and saying no to my
children when okay, I've alreadydone X, Y, and Z today, and now
(23:21):
I'm overstimulated and tired,which just tells me my body
tells me that I need to startsaying no, and you guys are
gonna have to figure it outbecause you're capable
individuals, you know.
Um so like sometimes letting goof dinner, which is we're gonna
have cereal tonight.
SPEAKER_01 (23:40):
We're over dinner.
SPEAKER_02 (23:41):
Because that's that's where I'm at, and it's
been a very busy day, and mybrain is kaput, and I don't want
to wash the dishes or I don'twant to do this, like we're
gonna have a self-care night,and we're gonna everyone's gonna
have cereal and it's gonna befine.
You know, do you think you'renutritious 80% of the time?
SPEAKER_01 (23:57):
Right.
Do you think that the capacityto let go of the second guessing
and the saying yes more oftenthan you say no?
Do you sense that at the root ofthat is the capacity for
self-acceptance and identity andum self-love and choosing self
versus being chosen and likeyeah, yeah.
It's like choosing when I self,yes, when I choose to love and
(24:18):
accept myself, then I'm not sovulnerable to every other
motherfucker's opinion becausemy identity is grounded in
something true, right?
Like my higher powers vision forme and of me and my own like
grounded sense of self.
And so then I'm not trying toplease everybody all the time to
gain my approval or my sense ofself or whatever.
Yeah.
So it's like such a journey toturn that page.
(24:39):
It's like a slow turn, I think.
It comes.
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (24:43):
This is some right, right, right.
So this is something I was gonnaget into more on our Thursday
episode because like lettingthem have emotions.
Like it's okay if you're mad atme, you're allowed to be, but
this is what's happening, youknow, like this is what m this
is what I need.
And letting them have like thatexperience as well, because
(25:04):
that's not only uh solidifieswho they are as people, right?
Being able to handle emotionsand but like it's important that
they see me have self-care andself-awareness and so oh, we've
started this new thing as umself-awareness now.
So like when my girls have aself-awareness, we're like
self-awareness now.
(25:27):
And it's just like a littlegood.
So we've started that because Iwant them to be functional
adults who can handle emotionsbecause I I didn't ever and
self-care and self-awareness andall those things, I didn't have
that um awareness and how howdifferent you know I mean, so
all the blah blah blah blah, allthe things, but um right, but
(25:48):
being able to tolerate otheryeah, being able to tolerate
other people being mad, right?
SPEAKER_01 (25:53):
It's like because if my identity or my worth is tied
to you never being mad at me,then I'm never gonna hold you
accountable for anything, andthen I'm gonna have to keep
spinning all the plates.
Yeah, and that is the energyleak right there.
Yeah.
The energy, yeah.
So then the work becomesdeveloping a sense of worth that
(26:13):
goes well beyond what you can doand is more about who you are
and your capacity to getgrounded and not just stay
spinning, right?
And to be in touch with yourintuition.
What is my what am I meant tothink, feel, say, do next?
Like not just driven byobsessive thinking or big, big
feelings, right?
(26:34):
What about my intuition?
And I can't find my intuitionunless I can get grounded.
And to get grounded, I have tobe able to put my phone down,
put all the distractions down.
I have to probably get barefootin my yard, and I have to
probably be listening more thanI'm speaking, or just being
present more than I'm consuming,right?
Whatever I'm consuming, whetherit's screen time or podcast or
(26:54):
even this podcast, right?
Like sometimes we have to beable to sit and get quiet and
listen for the bigger picture inorder to um take the next right
step in the direction ofgroundedness and self-worth.
SPEAKER_02 (27:08):
I really love that you just said that because I had
I had one that was in my brain.
I wanted to say that becauseenergy leak, even though energy
and energy energy suck, right?
Even though I'm making all thesechoices, I was noticing that I'm
(27:31):
going through audiobooks or I'mgoing through podcasts or I'm
going through music so fastbecause I was constantly filling
every gap that I had, likewashing dishes or you know,
mopping the floor.
I was constantly havingstimulation.
And so being able to right, sobeing able to kind of pause
that.
And now I actually have to set aboundary with myself of, okay,
(27:54):
I'm only gonna do an hour ofsuch and such or whatever
because I need to I need to calmthat nervous system and I need
to, you know, the other morningmy children, I have three of
them and they're all reallyintense and loud because they're
all the roughly the same age.
And so I I stopped my morningmid-morning.
(28:15):
It was a cluster of a morning,and just went outside and and
put my bare feet in the grass.
And I just accepted, you know,I'm gonna be late because this
is more important than gettingmyself grounded because that's
not a tool that I had back then.
I didn't really know whatgrounding was.
And I think that is soimportant.
So if you don't groundlisteners, if you do not ground
(28:37):
yourself outside right now, Ipromise you, if you try it, it
makes a difference.
Quickly.
Just give yourself a few minutesoutside with your feet.
SPEAKER_01 (28:48):
I am the weird neighbor who's always in our
front yard barefoot.
SPEAKER_00 (28:55):
I'm always barefoot as well.
I'm always we have woods in theback and I'm always walking
barefoot through the woods, andI'm always, you know, Frank's
always yelling at me, saying, Ohmy god, you're gonna and I'm
like, no, no, no.
Like this is what I need.
I don't know.
SPEAKER_01 (29:06):
This is what I need.
Now, what's weird is mybackyard, my backyard is way
prettier than my front yard, butI'm always in the front yard.
Why?
I don't know.
No, Joyce.
SPEAKER_00 (29:17):
Maybe the grass is plushier.
SPEAKER_01 (29:18):
Who knows?
I don't know.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (29:20):
But I think, you know, at the end of the day, as
mothers, we're so conditioned toput others first, especially our
children.
And I think we really have toflip-flop that because if you
wake up and you are beingcontrolled by your feelings, if
you are wallowing in feelings ofresentment and anger and
impatience, and you're having areally hard time finding
yourself, that's a clearindication that your nervous
(29:41):
system is severely dysregulatedand you need to do something to
bring yourself back intoalignment.
SPEAKER_02 (29:46):
Mm hmm.
Preach, Tiffany, preach.
SPEAKER_01 (29:52):
Um, so I talk about this a lot lately.
Like, I understand that my kidis getting more mature and she's
older now, but like her capacityto be.
On a team is so much moreprofound.
Her capacity to like get herselfup in the morning, make her own
breakfast, and like keep herroom clean and study for
homework, like all that stuff.
She didn't have the vital force.
She didn't have the um vibrancy,right?
(30:16):
She was her whole system wassluggish.
And that affected how muchenergy she had, how um much
attention she had, how it likeit affected every part of her.
And the more vital she becomes,right, the healthier she gets,
the more energy she has tocontribute not only to her own
responsibilities, but to beingon the team.
(30:37):
So I always say that every humanbehavior has an explanation.
Every single human behavior,including your asshole
ex-husband's behavior, has anexplanation.
And when we are relentless aboutfinding the explanation and
applying the solution, thesolution comes.
But you have to be relentless.
That like I've always come backto whether it was like Al-Anon
(30:58):
in early pre-divorce days, likeseparation and pre-divorce days,
like, or you know, yogicprinciples or like spiritual
principles via my faith, right?
There were always theseprinciples that there are
promises made, you know,spiritual promises made to us
when we live in alignment.
And I've always come back tothat.
And I've honestly many, many,many nights screamed and cried
(31:20):
at God and said, like, you madepromises.
Where the fuck are the answers?
Right.
And I believe that those answershave been delivered in many,
many, many, many, many, manyformats.
And so I think very often we cryand we wail, and we gnash our
teeth and we demand answers, butthen we can't recognize the
answers when they come and wecan't let them in.
And so they require leaps offaith.
(31:42):
There is a mystery to faith, andthere is a mystery to this
healing process that you have totake leaps of faith because you
cannot, it's a transformation,it's a process of rising from
somewhere low vibe to somewherehigh vibe.
And it's like, you know, youcould pray for a million
dollars, but you're not avibrational match for a million
dollars or whatever it is.
You know what I mean?
Like you have to become avibrational match for the
(32:03):
solution, and that means youhave to leap and trust that the
net is gonna appear.
And so, you know, for ourfamily, we put a lot of energy
and effort into non-traditionalways of strengthening vital
force.
We eat pretty darn healthy, youknow what I mean?
Like we really do watch like nofood dyes, no, like we don't
(32:25):
drink, you know, we buy pure umspring water, like we put a lot
of energy into the chiropractorevery week and particular
supplements and homeopathy andall the things.
Um, and eventually over time,all of that paid off to increase
and strengthen vital force.
And I promise you, we could notalways afford those things.
(32:46):
And we did them anyways, as bestas we could, right?
But also like sunlight ishealing and being sunlight
without sunscreen is healing,and being barefoot in your yard
is healing, and sweating ishealing, and exercise is
healing, and none of thosethings cost money.
None of them.
So it's like journaling is free,it doesn't cost money, and it's
very, very healing.
Hey, pair journaling with beingin the front yard in the sun,
(33:09):
you know what I mean?
Like it's gonna like you couldstart somewhere.
We could all start somewhere,and it's consistency over time
versus going ham.
You know what I mean?
And but you have to stick withit and you have to be relentless
about finding alignment and andtrusting that the promises will
come.
SPEAKER_00 (33:25):
But you gotta let it in.
Okay.
So I came out of an IFS sessionthe other day where one of my
clients had a huge breakthrough.
And every time I come out of anIFS session, I told Don, I feel
like I am covered in somethingthat is not of this world.
It is this stardust, beautiful.
I feel like I have beentranscended to another dimension
with these people.
(33:46):
Kind of think stranger things,because I'm a big stranger, so
maybe I'm in the upside down,okay?
SPEAKER_01 (33:50):
I have I have a very dark concept of what Stranger
Things is, though.
And I feel like you're paintinga picture of a very light
concept, but maybe Imisunderstand Stranger Things.
SPEAKER_00 (33:59):
Through IFS, I feel like I'm going through very dark
parts with people though.
Like I'm walking with them asthey, you know, so that's kind
of where I get darkness.
Release your face.
SPEAKER_01 (34:08):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (34:08):
Okay.
So I'm thinking, like, I want somany people to experience this.
I want so many people toexperience the breakthroughs
that our clients get through IFSand all the work that we're
doing.
And so how do we draw them in?
We give away free shit.
Like, who doesn't love freeshit?
unknown (34:26):
We all love free shit.
SPEAKER_00 (34:30):
So if you join our online community, The Cocoon,
every Monday we drop a reallycool little challenge for you to
do to get involved, and we giveaway free shit.
So why would you not want to doit?
Jump in on this.
We're very excited.
You can also DM me, you can DMproducer Joy, say hey, we'd love
to hear about it.
SPEAKER_01 (34:48):
Inside of Cocoon.
SPEAKER_00 (34:49):
Inside of Cocoon.
SPEAKER_01 (34:51):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (34:52):
We are so excited to meet you.
SPEAKER_01 (34:53):
So, how do we get in?
So we're running this newspecial right now, right?
Where you can get Post DivorceRoadmap for free, which is our
immersive journaling program, 21Days of Immersive Journaling.
And so the link is at the allthe way at the bottom of the
show notes, so that if youfollow the link, you get your
first magic drop is you get PostDivorce Roadmap for free.
And so then you're inside thecocoon community, where then you
(35:15):
get Coach Tiffany's invites todo the weekly challenge.
And then how does it work?
Like if I participate in theweekly challenge, I'm entered to
win, or how's that go?
SPEAKER_00 (35:23):
Yes.
All you have to do is the weeklychallenge, and you're
automatically entered to win,and we pick a winner every
Monday.
SPEAKER_01 (35:29):
We're also accepting suggestions for the kind of shit
you'd like to win, right?
SPEAKER_00 (35:32):
Yes, we are, absolutely.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Think like self-care items,homeopathy goodies, sessions
with me.
Yeah.
All kinds of good stuff.
SPEAKER_01 (35:44):
Okay, so the link is all the way at the bottom of the
show notes.
So hop, claim your post-divorceroadmap, hop into Cocoon, and
join us for the weekly magicdrops.
We love you so much.
Peace.
No one warned me.
No one warned me.
That's the quiet thought so manymoms carry but never dare to
say.
You do everything for yourchildren.
You love them fiercely.
And yet underneath you feel thisbone-deep loneliness,
exhaustion, and resentment.
And divorce only sharpens that.
And then comes the shame.
You're supposed to be gratefulfor your children, you tell
(00:22):
yourself.
Other moms have it worse.
But pushing down these feelingsdoesn't make it go away.
And today we are naming thetruth.
Why the very thing you fear willmake you a bad mom is actually
the thing that saying out loudwill set you free.
Hi, love.
(00:43):
Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary,the podcast helping divorcees go
beyond talk therapy to processyour grief, find the healing you
crave, and build back yourconfidence.
I'm your host, Don Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer, and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
(01:12):
Darlings, in today's episode, weare covering the intersection of
divorce, identity, andmotherhood, and how freaking
hard it is to be a mom in apost-divorce life.
So the three big topics we aregoing to cover is the identity
loss.
Why you still feel like astranger in your own skin, and
it's because it's not just aboutyour ex, it's grieving a version
(01:36):
of motherhood you thought you'dhave.
And there's grieving this sortof version where there's space
to be more than just a mom rightnow.
We're also going to talk aboutthe nervous system twist, right?
The sneaky way your bodyconfuses sometimes love with
danger during transitionweekends and how that survival
wiring shapes the way youapproach motherhood.
(01:58):
And so we're going to bechecking out and talking about
the various ways you can takekind of rethink if your kids are
unsafe or if they aren't unsafeor if your nervous system is
reaching for control or if itactually needs to problem solve
and sort of how all of that getsbraided and blended together and
you lose track of a clear pathsometimes and the ability to
calm your nervous system.
(02:18):
And then we're also going totalk about the place towards the
end of the episode where youleak energy the most, which
often boils down tosecond-guessing so many of your
decisions, not being able todiscern anxiety from intuition,
and it drains more energy thanactual motherhood.
And then your resentment growsand you're mothering from duty
(02:38):
instead of desire.
And so we're gonna share at theend of the episode the telltale
signs you're in this energy leakloop and how to break it.
Good morning, ladies.
SPEAKER_00 (02:49):
Hey there.
SPEAKER_01 (02:50):
Ooh, TIFTIF, what's what's what's up with your voice
today?
SPEAKER_00 (02:55):
I have a really sexy ragweed allergy.
SPEAKER_01 (03:01):
It's perfect for podcasting.
SPEAKER_00 (03:04):
Thank you.
SPEAKER_01 (03:05):
Alright, let's unpack mom identity loss after
divorce, right?
Like all the ways in which we,you know, lost ourselves in the
marriage.
It's a post-divorce world, we'retrying to rebuild our lives, and
then it's like all there is islike moming.
And this grief about like, I hada different conception of what
(03:26):
motherhood was gonna be in myfamily, right?
Like it's so it's the kind ofmother I want to be, maybe is
not even available currently.
SPEAKER_00 (03:34):
I was a stay-at-home mom in my marriage, and so that
fit for me, and I loved beingable to be home with her and
being able to be there to be thedomestic goddess that I was,
right?
Like that was kind of my idealof what I wanted.
And then post-divorce,everything got put on me, and I
(03:55):
went from being a stay-at-homemom to being a full-time working
mom and being pretty much theonly parent because he was
always deployed or traveling orwhatever.
So every single thing got thrownon me very quickly, right out
the gate, and I had to justfigure it out.
SPEAKER_01 (04:10):
This is very interesting.
We I don't think we've everunpacked this because I've
always been a working mom.
And I am very curious toconsider how it's a harder
transition for a stay-at-homemom in a post-divorce situation,
right?
When she has to go to work andfigure out how to single mom.
Like that's a freaking lot.
SPEAKER_02 (04:31):
So that was my experience as well.
I was a single mom.
I had three um at the time, I Ihad a um six-year-old and two
four-year-olds at home.
My six-year-old was specialneeds, like my twins had um
health difficulties and goingtwo and a half hours away.
Every you know what I mean?
Like all of that, that was theonly thing, right, for
(04:52):
specialists, and that was theonly thing I really did was mom
and wife, and we had the whitepick of events appearance.
I you know what I mean.
And so to lose all of that, andnow I'm having to like, okay,
how am I gonna support and be astay-at-home mom?
Um, I have my cosmo cosmetologylicense and I would work here
(05:13):
and there.
So it wasn't I had a place to goin terms of a profession, but
going through that identity ofmoving from the white picket and
fence, everything's perfect onsocial media, having three small
children to now, okay, now Ihave to find babysitters and now
(05:34):
I have to have transportation,and now I have to get Tylenol at
2 or 2 a.m.
And I think that's probably oneof the most moments in that
journey in that season that rethat resonated so much to me is
because I always had someonewith me and now I don't, and now
my kid is sick and I'm ran outof Tylenol and I have no one and
(05:56):
I'm trying to juggle all ofthat.
But also try to figure out how Igot here at 40 years old.
Now I'm be single at 40 withthree small children, trying to
figure out who I am and how didI get here, but also be the mom
that they need.
So I'm trying to work on myselfand they keep on asking me
(06:17):
questions I can't answer, Idon't understand, and falling on
the floor crying with them asI'm navigating.
And we'll talk more about thatlater in the episode about
nervous system states and tools,but like in that moment of
trying to navigate this worldthat I don't know and I don't
(06:37):
know how to navigate as a40-year-old single mom of three
small children and now having togo to work and wash the dishes
and cook the meals and do thelaundry and all of those things
that I just zero stars, do notrecommend.
SPEAKER_00 (06:53):
Yeah, yeah.
People always ask me, they'relike, What what was harder?
Was it staying at home or was itbeing a working mom?
Like which one was harder?
And I say they both are fuckinghard.
They're both fucking hard.
Like if you're if you're astay-at-home mom or you were
like you have all my lovebecause it is hard.
(07:14):
Working moms, it's the samething.
Like it's just motherhood ishard no matter how we approach
it.
And when you're doing it byyourself, it it magnifies
everything.
And and yeah, like I said, Ijoked before, I wanted to be the
mom that baked the pies, youknow, and dressed like the pinup
girl, and you know what I mean?
Like all that cute stuff.
You know, and then I I went intothis zone where like I was still
(07:36):
trying to do all of that for herand be present with her.
And I think that's the thingthat I miss the most is how do I
be a present mother with her anddo all the things I want to do
without getting lost in my ownthoughts.
Because again, with my identityloss, I had just moved to the
beach.
You know, anytime she wasn'twith me, I was out, I was
partying, I got my nose pairs, Iwent and got a few new tattoos.
(07:58):
Like I was really reaching,ladies.
I know what will solve thispain.
I'm gonna shove a needle throughmy nose.
Um, yeah.
Yeah.
So, yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (08:10):
You know what?
I I have learned now, a decadelater, that truly what matters
most to my kid is my presence,right?
Like, truly, truly, truly,that's what she wants more than
anything is my undividedattention and ability to like
interface with her in a way thatfeels attuned and interested and
(08:30):
proud and whatever, right?
And to just like be with her ina meaningful way.
But I will tell you that many,many years ago, when I was doing
the like, let me be the doeverything mom, like um, let me
make sure you have everything Ididn't have, my attention, the
vacations, the belongings, thebirthday parties, like all the
things, right?
And it was sort of about theproduction of it all.
(08:52):
She still didn't appreciate allof that in the way that I needed
her to.
And how much time, money, andenergy did I spend trying to
chase giving her everything whenthe thing that she really,
really wanted and needed morethan anything was just present.
And I think that that's thething that we as mothers need
(09:12):
also is presence with and forourselves.
And it's the thing we run awayfrom at this season, right?
Is the ability to be presentbecause when we're present with
ourselves, then the pain comescrashing in, then the grief
comes crashing in, and we justwant to freaking run away from
all of that pain.
And so it's like, I think wesell ourselves a lie that if I
stay busy giving my kids allthese things and trying to
(09:33):
bridge the gap and blah blahblah blah blah, I can both
escape my pain and escape myfear that they're gonna be
missing something, but reallythere's like there's no going
around it.
SPEAKER_00 (09:43):
Yeah, I remember I was at a get together when Ari
was younger, and some mom cameup to me and she was a married
mom, and she said to me, Ialways feel like single moms
overcompensate for their kids.
And I remember being so pissedoff at that comment, but it was
so true.
It was so true, at least for me,because I felt like I had to be
(10:05):
everything.
I had to be mom and dad, I hadto be nurture and
disciplinarian, which that's afucked up line to walk anyway, I
think, for anybody.
So for me, yeah, it was it wasso difficult for me to try to
figure out how to do all thethings and be everything for her
when, like you said, all shewanted was me to go sit on the
beach with her and watch her docartwheels, you know.
(10:27):
She didn't know how poor we werein the beginning.
Like she had no idea how much wewere struggling financially.
Like if mom came home with asmile on her face at the end of
the day and we could spend timeplaying Barbies or playing a
board game or cuddled upwatching a movie, she was in
heaven.
Like, that's it.
SPEAKER_01 (10:43):
And I don't know about you, but I was terrible at
playing with my kid.
Like, I was not able to bepresent enough to like sit and
play with my kid.
I could sometimes mustercoloring with her, and so I
would say, like, let's colortogether.
SPEAKER_02 (10:56):
But like, other than that, like No, I feel that and
the reason I laugh is because mygirls and I were talking about
this the other day is because II did I was not a good player, I
was a good facilitating anactivity, mom, like the the
coloring, the play-doh, stufflike that.
But as as playing, and so wewere driving down the road just
the other day talking about it,and so we would play Barbies,
(11:16):
and I'd always be the momBarbie, but then mom mom Barbie
had to take a nap.
So mom would go take a nap, andlike they were like, You were
always so tired as a Barbie.
SPEAKER_01 (11:26):
I'm like, Yes, exactly, exactly, exactly.
All right, loves.
Let's talk about you know, thenervous system and how it really
struggles as single mom afterdivorce because the brain, the
mind, the mind and the nervoussystem, right, they're not good
at discerning true threat versusperceived threat.
(11:48):
Right?
So, so it just bases itsreactions and its responses
based off what our beliefs areand what our thoughts dictate,
right?
And so if we don't get a hold ofour thoughts and we don't
intentionally coach our mindsand our nervous systems, right?
It just keeps going the way thatit's been going, right?
The past ends up predicting thefuture.
So let's talk about like inthese early days post-divorce
(12:10):
and you're single momming, andit feels like letting your kids
go is dangerous and then they'renot safe, and that you have to
control it.
And maybe they aren't safe,maybe they are, right?
But it's like where your nervoussystem stays chronically and
constantly activated because youfeel so out of control.
What would you say to the womanwho's really struggling to
(12:34):
discern how to take care of herown nervous system in those
early days of transition?
SPEAKER_00 (12:42):
I always challenge my clients and say it's safety
and control.
What is it that you're seekingright now?
Are you trying to gain controlbecause you don't like how he
has his home set up?
You don't like how he parents,how he spends his time, that he
has friends over.
Like what is it?
Or is your child seriously indanger?
Because there are two differentthings.
Um, and I dealt with both in mydivorce.
(13:03):
There were times when I wasseeking so much control because
I didn't like the way thatthings were going.
However, there were times whenmy child was truly in danger,
you know, in her younger yearsgrowing up with her dad, who is,
you know, an extreme adrenalinejunkie and just kind of, you
know, took her along for theride.
So there were like there were,yeah.
So, you know, like, yes, therewere times when I felt like it
(13:26):
was an issue.
But then also what I wouldchallenge you to say is that are
your kids also feeling that andand driving it too?
Because there were times when mydaughter would try to dramatize
certain situations knowing thatI would get involved or jump in
when really she wasn't in dangerat all.
It was perfectly fine, you know?
SPEAKER_01 (13:46):
And though, I think that a lot of it's both for
many, many women, right?
Like, like there is the storieswe tell ourselves, right, and
the perceived threat, and thatis real, right?
And then also, like I thinkabout some, right, like like the
type A mom, which I wouldcertainly say that I'm like a
recovering type A that still hasheavy type A tendencies, where
(14:09):
it's like, I would be the momthat's like, I don't like the
food choices you're making forour child.
She can't have three pieces ofcheese, she can only have one.
Like that would that would beme, right?
Like, yeah.
Um, and also, right, um, my exwould be the person also who
would have been driving underthe influence, you know.
(14:30):
So there would be like thiscombination of things, right?
But at the end of the day, whenwe don't have the ability to
control, how are we getting backand grounding our nervous
systems so that we can havemoments of safety?
And then what are we relying onto create safety, right?
Are we um recognizing how ournervous systems being grounded
(14:52):
is part of creating safety forour children, that when we're in
constant fight, flight, orfreeze, that we are not a
grounded sense of safe feelingfor our kids, right?
You can't fake nervous systemregulation or dysregulation,
it's vibrational and theirenergy fields will pick up on
it, right?
I think that if I could reallyhelp moms all over the world
(15:12):
hear that your nervous systemgrounded and elastic, right?
Nervous systems are meant to beable to respond in a healthy way
to stress and have properreactivity in a time of stress,
and then also are meant to likereturn to a healthy, flexible
state where you can rest anddigest, right?
Where you can feel and perceivea sense of safety as well.
And I think post-divorce singlemomming does not lend itself to
(15:35):
feeling a sense of safety, butlike that is what actually
creates the healthiestattachment style and the
healthiest nervous system forour kiddos is when our nervous
systems are grounded and welland flexible.
And I think to do that, we haveto have also a faith in
something greater than us,right?
There is this mystery of faiththat I think also says, like,
(15:56):
okay, the solution has to bebigger than the problem, and I
have to keep my eyes on workinga solution because if I keep
looking at this problem, mynervous system is never going to
feel safe.
SPEAKER_00 (16:06):
And you want your kids to be a safe space to come
home for the weekend and sharehow their weekend went without
feeling like you're constantlyanalyzing everything they say
and poking and prodding becausethat's not fair either.
And kids will start filtering.
Well, and they'll they'll feel aneed to protect that parent.
And so you've got to be able tobe that safe space for them
without reacting.
(16:28):
You can get on the phone withhim and react, but not with your
kids.
SPEAKER_01 (16:32):
I mean, but how useful is he is that even for
most people?
SPEAKER_00 (16:36):
It's it's not.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_01 (16:38):
I think it's it's not it's all part of letting go,
right?
I think that letting go is sucha journey and it happens in
layers, and it's such achallenge.
And you know, we talk a lotabout grief around here, but
sort of the idea that at leastat first, right, the grief
doesn't go away.
It's just like you build a lifearound the grief that gets
(17:00):
bigger than the grief, right?
And and that's and if you keepstaying focused on the problem
and the grief, like yes, youhave to feel it, you have to
release it, you have to acceptit, you have to forgive it, you
have to do all of these thingswhile single moming.
Um I mean, and and all of that,right?
The secrets we keep, the and inthis post-divorce phase, like
all the things about what he didor didn't do, and all of the
(17:22):
things about what we did anddidn't do, right?
All of that is a constantchronic nervous system
aggravator when all of that isliving in our body.
So yeah, good point, right?
How do we how do we help ournervous systems really downshift
so that we can truly be safeplaces, attuned places for
ourselves and for our kiddos?
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (17:39):
Well, and I think what I would want women to
realize too is that look, you'redivorced for a reason.
Clearly there were things thatyou were not on the same page
about.
So why would parenting be anydifferent?
And just because your ex isgiving your Yeah, right?
But like, even though your ex isgiving your child a different
experience, it doesn't mean thatit's a bad experience.
(18:00):
Um, and I have so many friendstoo that they get jealous as
hell that like the ex can takethe kids here and there and do
this and do that and what likeDisney Can you not just be happy
with your kid?
Like be happy that you're gonnabe able to do it.
No, we're jealous.
We're jealous, we're jealous,we're jealous, we're jealous.
I hate that.
I know.
I just hate for that because I'mlike, oh my god, you know?
Like my ex has been able to takemy daughter to do some really
(18:23):
amazing things that some of themI wouldn't be able to afford,
some of them, you know, atcertain times or whatever.
And I was always genuinely happyfor her.
Like when she came back, I wasalways so excited to hear about
it because I just was so happythat she got the experience,
even though I wasn't there.
Well, some of us really strugglemore with jealousy than you do,
then Tifferdoodle.
I guess so.
(18:44):
Well, and I'm not saying that Iwasn't resentful as fuck about
all that.
Like I was really resentfulabout a lot of that.
Um, but as far as like him beingable to take her places and do
things with her, you know, I wasgood with it.
Him having wife number two, wifenumber three, spending holidays
together.
I didn't care.
I was like, the more themerrier, come on in.
(19:05):
Like, it's fine.
It's fine.
SPEAKER_01 (19:06):
And that's genuinely true, right?
The more the merrier reallygenerally tends to be the case,
right?
Like love and life is not a pie.
There are infinite solutions,there's infinite love, but a lot
of times we're not tapped intothat.
And yeah, but yeah.
All right, let's talk a bitabout one of the places we tend
(19:27):
to see moms leak energy themost.
And it's sort of this idea ofsecond guessing everything and
really parenting from a place ofanxiety rather than intuition,
and just really overthinking,over-analyzing, second guessing,
worrying about what he's gonnasay, what the court is gonna
say, what the other people aregonna say, like just really sort
(19:48):
of not being able to get ahandle on just living from a
place of groundedness, right?
Let's talk about some of thetelltale signs.
You're stuck in that energy leakloop because I think most people
don't realize, I I cannot screamthis from the rooftops loud
enough, that motherhood actuallyisn't as exhausting as it has
(20:10):
the reputation for being.
We as a modern female communityare exhausted, our vital force
is depleted in general, period.
And it's because we'redemineralized, it's because
we're underrested, it's becauseour priorities are in the wrong
place, it's because of how we'vebeen living for a very, very
long time.
And so we're just exhaustedeverywhere, and that gets pinned
on motherhood, right?
(20:30):
But motherhood itself isn'tisn't that exhausting, but we
end up wasting a lot of ourprecious, precious energy on
anxiety loops and not beinggrounded in a sense of
intuition.
So let's help the ladies reallyhear, right, how they can
identify when they're stuck inthat energy leak loop and how to
(20:52):
shift out of it, how to breakthat cycle.
SPEAKER_02 (20:55):
I I feel like I'm still in breaking that cycle.
So I love that.
SPEAKER_01 (21:00):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Oh, we were texting about thatthis week.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_02 (21:04):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So the things that I'm trying todo currently, right?
This is like a this is thejourney I am on real time.
I'm trying to break the cycle ofgiving away my energy when I
don't have it to give, and thenI and then I wind up crashing.
And so, like let me break thatdown a little bit differently.
(21:24):
Let me say that differently.
I have been a people pleaser.
My, you know, one of my managersis a people pleaser, and I have
been a I pride myself that Godput me on this earth to serve.
And I I genuinely bring joy, itbrings me joy to serve and to be
the fun, exciting mom that plansall these minute-to-winnet
(21:47):
parties for their children andextravagant end of the summer
holiday days.
Blowout.
I love right, I love that.
But what I have been working onpersonally is I can't say yes to
everything because A, I'm I'mdepleted and I need to own the
(22:12):
fact that I have I have causedmyself to be so depleted by
saying yes and doing all thethings and being available, and
you know, and so now I have a13-year-old who gets mad at me
because I ask her to wash adish.
You know what I mean?
Because I've I've always justbeen the person that does it.
And so I'm trying to retrain myfamily as well as myself.
(22:34):
That's I shouldn't a commonphrase I've been saying a lot
lately is I'm the single pointof failure.
Like everything in this home, inthis house, and their childhood
is on me.
And that is absolutely not theway it's supposed to be.
And so we're supposed to be ateam, we're supposed to be a
family, we're supposed to be aunit, right?
And so saying no more than I sayyes has been a thing, but that's
(23:00):
everything, excuse me.
That's everything.
That's like saying no to myfriends, so I because I'm gonna
be at the ball field here or atthe skating rink here, or I have
too much already happening.
So saying no more than I sayyes, and saying no to my
children when okay, I've alreadydone X, Y, and Z today, and now
(23:21):
I'm overstimulated and tired,which just tells me my body
tells me that I need to startsaying no, and you guys are
gonna have to figure it outbecause you're capable
individuals, you know.
Um so like sometimes letting goof dinner, which is we're gonna
have cereal tonight.
SPEAKER_01 (23:40):
We're over dinner.
SPEAKER_02 (23:41):
Because that's that's where I'm at, and it's
been a very busy day, and mybrain is kaput, and I don't want
to wash the dishes or I don'twant to do this, like we're
gonna have a self-care night,and we're gonna everyone's gonna
have cereal and it's gonna befine.
You know, do you think you'renutritious 80% of the time?
SPEAKER_01 (23:57):
Right.
Do you think that the capacityto let go of the second guessing
and the saying yes more oftenthan you say no?
Do you sense that at the root ofthat is the capacity for
self-acceptance and identity andum self-love and choosing self
versus being chosen and likeyeah, yeah.
It's like choosing when I self,yes, when I choose to love and
(24:18):
accept myself, then I'm not sovulnerable to every other
motherfucker's opinion becausemy identity is grounded in
something true, right?
Like my higher powers vision forme and of me and my own like
grounded sense of self.
And so then I'm not trying toplease everybody all the time to
gain my approval or my sense ofself or whatever.
Yeah.
So it's like such a journey toturn that page.
(24:39):
It's like a slow turn, I think.
It comes.
Right.
SPEAKER_02 (24:43):
This is some right, right, right.
So this is something I was gonnaget into more on our Thursday
episode because like lettingthem have emotions.
Like it's okay if you're mad atme, you're allowed to be, but
this is what's happening, youknow, like this is what m this
is what I need.
And letting them have like thatexperience as well, because
(25:04):
that's not only uh solidifieswho they are as people, right?
Being able to handle emotionsand but like it's important that
they see me have self-care andself-awareness and so oh, we've
started this new thing as umself-awareness now.
So like when my girls have aself-awareness, we're like
self-awareness now.
(25:27):
And it's just like a littlegood.
So we've started that because Iwant them to be functional
adults who can handle emotionsbecause I I didn't ever and
self-care and self-awareness andall those things, I didn't have
that um awareness and how howdifferent you know I mean, so
all the blah blah blah blah, allthe things, but um right, but
(25:48):
being able to tolerate otheryeah, being able to tolerate
other people being mad, right?
SPEAKER_01 (25:53):
It's like because if my identity or my worth is tied
to you never being mad at me,then I'm never gonna hold you
accountable for anything, andthen I'm gonna have to keep
spinning all the plates.
Yeah, and that is the energyleak right there.
Yeah.
The energy, yeah.
So then the work becomesdeveloping a sense of worth that
(26:13):
goes well beyond what you can doand is more about who you are
and your capacity to getgrounded and not just stay
spinning, right?
And to be in touch with yourintuition.
What is my what am I meant tothink, feel, say, do next?
Like not just driven byobsessive thinking or big, big
feelings, right?
(26:34):
What about my intuition?
And I can't find my intuitionunless I can get grounded.
And to get grounded, I have tobe able to put my phone down,
put all the distractions down.
I have to probably get barefootin my yard, and I have to
probably be listening more thanI'm speaking, or just being
present more than I'm consuming,right?
Whatever I'm consuming, whetherit's screen time or podcast or
(26:54):
even this podcast, right?
Like sometimes we have to beable to sit and get quiet and
listen for the bigger picture inorder to um take the next right
step in the direction ofgroundedness and self-worth.
SPEAKER_02 (27:08):
I really love that you just said that because I had
I had one that was in my brain.
I wanted to say that becauseenergy leak, even though energy
and energy energy suck, right?
Even though I'm making all thesechoices, I was noticing that I'm
(27:31):
going through audiobooks or I'mgoing through podcasts or I'm
going through music so fastbecause I was constantly filling
every gap that I had, likewashing dishes or you know,
mopping the floor.
I was constantly havingstimulation.
And so being able to right, sobeing able to kind of pause
that.
And now I actually have to set aboundary with myself of, okay,
(27:54):
I'm only gonna do an hour ofsuch and such or whatever
because I need to I need to calmthat nervous system and I need
to, you know, the other morningmy children, I have three of
them and they're all reallyintense and loud because they're
all the roughly the same age.
And so I I stopped my morningmid-morning.
(28:15):
It was a cluster of a morning,and just went outside and and
put my bare feet in the grass.
And I just accepted, you know,I'm gonna be late because this
is more important than gettingmyself grounded because that's
not a tool that I had back then.
I didn't really know whatgrounding was.
And I think that is soimportant.
So if you don't groundlisteners, if you do not ground
(28:37):
yourself outside right now, Ipromise you, if you try it, it
makes a difference.
Quickly.
Just give yourself a few minutesoutside with your feet.
SPEAKER_01 (28:48):
I am the weird neighbor who's always in our
front yard barefoot.
SPEAKER_00 (28:55):
I'm always barefoot as well.
I'm always we have woods in theback and I'm always walking
barefoot through the woods, andI'm always, you know, Frank's
always yelling at me, saying, Ohmy god, you're gonna and I'm
like, no, no, no.
Like this is what I need.
I don't know.
SPEAKER_01 (29:06):
This is what I need.
Now, what's weird is mybackyard, my backyard is way
prettier than my front yard, butI'm always in the front yard.
Why?
I don't know.
No, Joyce.
SPEAKER_00 (29:17):
Maybe the grass is plushier.
SPEAKER_01 (29:18):
Who knows?
I don't know.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (29:20):
But I think, you know, at the end of the day, as
mothers, we're so conditioned toput others first, especially our
children.
And I think we really have toflip-flop that because if you
wake up and you are beingcontrolled by your feelings, if
you are wallowing in feelings ofresentment and anger and
impatience, and you're having areally hard time finding
yourself, that's a clearindication that your nervous
(29:41):
system is severely dysregulatedand you need to do something to
bring yourself back intoalignment.
SPEAKER_02 (29:46):
Mm hmm.
Preach, Tiffany, preach.
SPEAKER_01 (29:52):
Um, so I talk about this a lot lately.
Like, I understand that my kidis getting more mature and she's
older now, but like her capacityto be.
On a team is so much moreprofound.
Her capacity to like get herselfup in the morning, make her own
breakfast, and like keep herroom clean and study for
homework, like all that stuff.
She didn't have the vital force.
She didn't have the um vibrancy,right?
(30:16):
She was her whole system wassluggish.
And that affected how muchenergy she had, how um much
attention she had, how it likeit affected every part of her.
And the more vital she becomes,right, the healthier she gets,
the more energy she has tocontribute not only to her own
responsibilities, but to beingon the team.
(30:37):
So I always say that every humanbehavior has an explanation.
Every single human behavior,including your asshole
ex-husband's behavior, has anexplanation.
And when we are relentless aboutfinding the explanation and
applying the solution, thesolution comes.
But you have to be relentless.
That like I've always come backto whether it was like Al-Anon
(30:58):
in early pre-divorce days, likeseparation and pre-divorce days,
like, or you know, yogicprinciples or like spiritual
principles via my faith, right?
There were always theseprinciples that there are
promises made, you know,spiritual promises made to us
when we live in alignment.
And I've always come back tothat.
And I've honestly many, many,many nights screamed and cried
(31:20):
at God and said, like, you madepromises.
Where the fuck are the answers?
Right.
And I believe that those answershave been delivered in many,
many, many, many, many, manyformats.
And so I think very often we cryand we wail, and we gnash our
teeth and we demand answers, butthen we can't recognize the
answers when they come and wecan't let them in.
And so they require leaps offaith.
(31:42):
There is a mystery to faith, andthere is a mystery to this
healing process that you have totake leaps of faith because you
cannot, it's a transformation,it's a process of rising from
somewhere low vibe to somewherehigh vibe.
And it's like, you know, youcould pray for a million
dollars, but you're not avibrational match for a million
dollars or whatever it is.
You know what I mean?
Like you have to become avibrational match for the
(32:03):
solution, and that means youhave to leap and trust that the
net is gonna appear.
And so, you know, for ourfamily, we put a lot of energy
and effort into non-traditionalways of strengthening vital
force.
We eat pretty darn healthy, youknow what I mean?
Like we really do watch like nofood dyes, no, like we don't
(32:25):
drink, you know, we buy pure umspring water, like we put a lot
of energy into the chiropractorevery week and particular
supplements and homeopathy andall the things.
Um, and eventually over time,all of that paid off to increase
and strengthen vital force.
And I promise you, we could notalways afford those things.
(32:46):
And we did them anyways, as bestas we could, right?
But also like sunlight ishealing and being sunlight
without sunscreen is healing,and being barefoot in your yard
is healing, and sweating ishealing, and exercise is
healing, and none of thosethings cost money.
None of them.
So it's like journaling is free,it doesn't cost money, and it's
very, very healing.
Hey, pair journaling with beingin the front yard in the sun,
(33:09):
you know what I mean?
Like it's gonna like you couldstart somewhere.
We could all start somewhere,and it's consistency over time
versus going ham.
You know what I mean?
And but you have to stick withit and you have to be relentless
about finding alignment and andtrusting that the promises will
come.
SPEAKER_00 (33:25):
But you gotta let it in.
Okay.
So I came out of an IFS sessionthe other day where one of my
clients had a huge breakthrough.
And every time I come out of anIFS session, I told Don, I feel
like I am covered in somethingthat is not of this world.
It is this stardust, beautiful.
I feel like I have beentranscended to another dimension
with these people.
(33:46):
Kind of think stranger things,because I'm a big stranger, so
maybe I'm in the upside down,okay?
SPEAKER_01 (33:50):
I have I have a very dark concept of what Stranger
Things is, though.
And I feel like you're paintinga picture of a very light
concept, but maybe Imisunderstand Stranger Things.
SPEAKER_00 (33:59):
Through IFS, I feel like I'm going through very dark
parts with people though.
Like I'm walking with them asthey, you know, so that's kind
of where I get darkness.
Release your face.
SPEAKER_01 (34:08):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (34:08):
Okay.
So I'm thinking, like, I want somany people to experience this.
I want so many people toexperience the breakthroughs
that our clients get through IFSand all the work that we're
doing.
And so how do we draw them in?
We give away free shit.
Like, who doesn't love freeshit?
unknown (34:26):
We all love free shit.
SPEAKER_00 (34:30):
So if you join our online community, The Cocoon,
every Monday we drop a reallycool little challenge for you to
do to get involved, and we giveaway free shit.
So why would you not want to doit?
Jump in on this.
We're very excited.
You can also DM me, you can DMproducer Joy, say hey, we'd love
to hear about it.
SPEAKER_01 (34:48):
Inside of Cocoon.
SPEAKER_00 (34:49):
Inside of Cocoon.
SPEAKER_01 (34:51):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (34:52):
We are so excited to meet you.
SPEAKER_01 (34:53):
So, how do we get in?
So we're running this newspecial right now, right?
Where you can get Post DivorceRoadmap for free, which is our
immersive journaling program, 21Days of Immersive Journaling.
And so the link is at the allthe way at the bottom of the
show notes, so that if youfollow the link, you get your
first magic drop is you get PostDivorce Roadmap for free.
And so then you're inside thecocoon community, where then you
(35:15):
get Coach Tiffany's invites todo the weekly challenge.
And then how does it work?
Like if I participate in theweekly challenge, I'm entered to
win, or how's that go?
SPEAKER_00 (35:23):
Yes.
All you have to do is the weeklychallenge, and you're
automatically entered to win,and we pick a winner every
Monday.
SPEAKER_01 (35:29):
We're also accepting suggestions for the kind of shit
you'd like to win, right?
SPEAKER_00 (35:32):
Yes, we are, absolutely.
Mm-hmm.
Yeah.
Think like self-care items,homeopathy goodies, sessions
with me.
Yeah.
All kinds of good stuff.
SPEAKER_01 (35:44):
Okay, so the link is all the way at the bottom of the
show notes.
So hop, claim your post-divorceroadmap, hop into Cocoon, and
join us for the weekly magicdrops.
We love you so much.
Peace.
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