274. The Lies Denial Tells You: When Feeling Numb Keeps You From Healing After Divorce

Denial isn’t just pretending things are fine — it’s the story your nervous system tells so you don’t have to feel the full truth yet. 

In this episode, we talk about how denial shows up in subtle ways: 

...staying busy so you don’t feel, 

...justifying behavior that hurts you, 

...and, convincing yourself “it’s not that bad.” 

And why breaking through it isn’t about shame — it’s about safety. 

This is one of those episodes that’s worth hearing again, because the moment denial cracks, real healing begins.

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A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
Hi, love.
We're doing something a littledifferent for the next few weeks
while we work behind the sceneson some really exciting things
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(00:22):
this post-divorce life a littlelonger.
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(00:44):
weekly Magic Drop giveaways.
We've already had two winners,so what are you waiting for?
All right, let's get into it.
Here's one of those episodesthat still holds the truth every
time you hear it.
Today we are talking aboutdenial because there is a
correlation between self-honestyand success.

(01:05):
And unless you're willing totake a look at where you may be
in denial, you are never goingto have actual control over your
life.
Hi, love.
Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary,the podcast helping divorcees go
beyond talk therapy to processyour grief, find the healing you

(01:26):
crave, and build back yourconfidence.
I'm your host, Don Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer, and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.

(01:47):
In today's episode, we're goingto talk about the pros and cons
of denial, how to recognize ifyou're in denial, and what to do
about it once you figure it out.
We're all there a little bit,right?
So again, there's a correlationbetween self-honesty and
success.
And so I know there's this big,beautiful life that you envision
for yourself that you want tomanifest.
And that's just not reallyavailable if you're in boatloads

(02:10):
of denial.
So let's dig in.
So there's definitely a benefitto being in denial, right?
What's that thing they say thatignorance is bliss?
And that's true.
I think there are moments inlife where it's a very useful
tool in order to not have tofeel so much and not order to
have to tackle so much at once.
But there's this reality thatwhen you're in denial, it's not

(02:33):
sustainable because eventuallyyou're going to repeat the
mistakes of the past.
They're going to start playingout over and over again.
And it's always going to feellike things are happening to
you.
And so if you want to takecharge of your life and you want
to start intentionallymanifesting, you can't be

(02:53):
functioning in boatloads ofdenial because eventually it's
going to bite you in the arse.
So, what are some of thehallmarks of denial?
Like, how do you know if you'rein denial or not?
And I especially think it's hardto know because when you're
coming out of a marriage, you'regetting, first of all, you're
getting feedback from so manypeople, right?
People are giving youunsolicited advice.

(03:14):
They're telling you how youshould or shouldn't do it.
Your ex had lots of opinions,and maybe you've lost track of
what's true for you anymore.
And so I think it can be hard totell if you're in denial.
And I think a lot of timesdenial is we like it, right?
It's this cozy blanket we wrapourselves in when we're feeling
overwhelmed.

(03:34):
And this is certainly a seasonof overwhelm.
So I recommend using the cozyblanket sparingly, but taking it
off intentionally, you know, tostrategically build the life of
your dreams.
So, some ways that you can kindof this is like a short
checklist.
So take a deep breath and justcheck in with yourself.
Do you feel like things areoften happening to you?

(03:59):
That you kind of get blindsidedby stuff, like, and then another
thing happened and another thinghappened.
And I just don't understandwhere is all this coming from?
When it rains, it pours.
Do you feel helpless or like avictim of circumstance?
That is a hallmark of denial.
Do you ever find yourselfblaming other people for your

(04:21):
current circumstances?
And then because he did this,then I had to do that.
Because she did this, that waswhy I ended up doing that.
Right.
So anywhere you're using blamelanguage, that's a hallmark of
denial.
Consistently manifesting theopposite of what you say you
want.
That's a big one, right?

(04:42):
I think that manifestation hasbecome such kind of a popular
trending tool for healing andrecovery.
And so if there are things thatyou're wanting to manifest, but
you find that you're oftengetting the opposite results or
you're struggling to feelsuccessful in your manifestation
efforts, that's a sign thatthere's some denial going on.

(05:02):
And here's a big one, and maybethe one that hurts the most.
Do you break commitments withyourself, right?
In one feeling state, do youfeel massively motivated and you
make a commitment with yourselfto do with maybe booking an
appointment, going to the gym,what you're eating, what you're
thinking or how you're speaking,right?
Beliefs about yourself, uh,affirmations, right?

(05:24):
Do you make commitments withyourself when you're in one
feeling state?
And then when you're in adifferent feeling state, do you
find yourself breaking thosecommitments, not following
through with the things you toldyourself you were going to do?
That is a good sign of denial.
And so here's this checklist,right, where you can check in
with yourself about how honestor transparent you're able to

(05:47):
transparently you're able to seeyour true self.
If some of these resonated withyou, that you feel like things
are happening to you, that yousometimes blame, find yourself
using blame language when you'retalking with people, that you're
manifesting the opposite of whatyou say you want, and that you
break commitments with yourself.

(06:08):
Now it's time to sit down andsay, like, what's underneath all
of that?
In what ways am I not able toactually see myself clearly?
And what's at the root of denialis often it's a it's a sign that
there's something we don't wantto take responsibility for.
There's some level ofcommitment, a little bit of
commitment or accountabilitythat we're avoiding that feels

(06:31):
too heavy, too hot, too much,too overwhelming, too out of
reach, right?
There's something that feels toohard to take responsibility for.
But it's not true.
It may be a lot, it may be hard,but that doesn't mean it's not
worth it, and it doesn't meanthat you can't.

(06:52):
Oftentimes when we end upbreaking through denial, it's
not through some means we chose.
Oftentimes it's where theuniverse somewhat somehow like
hit us upside the head with thetruth, and we're like, ah, crap.
Right?
It's hard to get the courage tochoose to move out of denial on
your own.

(07:13):
And it is definitely morepainful or uncomfortable in
those early moments where you'restruggling or wrestling with God
to accept certain things aboutyourself.
There's a lot of shame thatcomes up, so much shame when we
really look at ourselvesclearly.
I could tell you story afterstory after story about places

(07:35):
where, gosh, when I got honestwith myself, I was like, ooh,
that's not a hot look.
But each time I choose to do it,I like unlock a new level of
power inside of myself.
I unlock a new intentionallymanifested goal.

(07:56):
I gain access to something thatI say I wanted, and it becomes
mine.
And that is through looking atmyself honestly and tackling the
things.
It's definitely not comfortable,but the more you do it, the
easier it gets.
In today's episode, we talkedabout the pros and cons of
breaking through denial,understanding what the risks and

(08:18):
the consequences are if youdon't, and went through a
checklist of how you canidentify whether or not you or
how much you are actually indenial.
If this episode helped you, Iwould really love it if you
would go to leave a writtenreview in Apple Podcasts.
It makes such a difference to uswhen you can leave a written
review.

(08:38):
It really helps people find usand to know whether or not this
is going to be a helpful contentfor them.
And um, gosh, it just makes adifference in my life
personally, too.
So if this was helpful for youtoday, please go leave a review.
I love you so much.
Peace.