November 18, 2025 • 36 mins
The holidays don’t just remind you who’s at your table...
They remind you who isn’t.
When you’re divorced, that quiet has a sound.
It’s the clink of one mug instead of two.
The solo grocery run.
The ache of seeing everyone else’s “perfect” family photos.
And the part no one talks about?
Your nervous system feels all of it long before your mind catches up.
In this episode, Dawn, Joy, and Tiff walk you through why holiday grief hits differently... not just emotionally, but neurologically.
Your brain codes the holidays as both comfort and threat, and that dual-wiring explains so much of the confusion, anxiety, tight chest, and “I don’t belong anywhere” thoughts that tend to surface this time of year.
And today, we’re going to help you work with all of it.
In this episode:
✨ Why holiday grief feels louder in your body
— the neuroscience behind scents, memories, and tradition triggering loss and longing
✨ The real reason divorced women feel like they “don’t belong anywhere”
— and how this actually traces back to belonging to yourself
✨ The phrase to repeat at any holiday party when your chest tightens
“I am safe to be seen in this moment.”
✨ A 60-second bathroom-stall nervous system reset
Cold-water wrists, humming, squats, breath work — your new somatic toolkit for holiday overwhelm
✨ How to turn this season from performance into personal power
(New traditions, choosing yourself, claiming authenticity, and ditching the performative holiday mask)
✨ Why your circle shifts after divorce
— and why that shift is actually a sign of growth, not failure
This episode is a warm hand on your back, reminding you that nothing about your holiday pain means you’re behind, broken, or unlovable. It means your nervous system still remembers love — and is learning how to feel safe again without him.
This week’s Thursday Premium episode is a guided, real-time grounding practice for the exact moment your nervous system spirals — in the grocery store aisle, the car, or the corner of the holiday party.
If you’re not a premium listener yet, now is the season to join.
You’ll get:
– All premium healing tracks
– Monthly live workshop with Dawn
– Access to exclusive Destined Homeopathics product drops
– A private community focused on real-time support
Join Premium for $5/month inside your app.
Before you go:
Take our quiz “What’s Your Divorce Recovery Nervous System Type?” to understand how your body responds to grief — and get a personalized healing map.
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn
Instagram: (@dawnwiggins)
Instagram: (@coachtiffini)
On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and
Post Divorce Road Map : 21 Days of Journaling
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_03 (01:34):
Holidays don't just remind you who's at your table,
they remind you who isn't.
And when you're divorced, thatquiet has a sound.
It's the clink of one muginstead of two, the moment you
carry the groceries in alone.
It's not that you miss him, youmiss belonging somewhere you
(01:56):
thought was yours forever.
And if right now your chestfeels tight and your brain is
whispering, why am I still here?
Breathe.
Nothing about this moment meansyou're behind or broken or
unlovable.
(02:18):
It means your nervous systemstill remembers love and it's
learning what safety feels likewithout him.
Hi, love.
Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary,the podcast helping divorcees go
beyond talk therapy to processyour grief, find the healing you
(02:39):
crave, and build back yourconfidence.
I'm your host, Don Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer, and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
(03:01):
All right, my darlings, we'veofficially entered that time of
year where we are juggling notjust divorce grief, but divorce
grief and the holidays.
And so we're here to walk withyou through it.
And one of the things I want youto anticipate during this
holiday season is we're gonna dothe 12 days of Christmas towards
the end of the year.
(03:22):
And we will be during especiallythe Christmas and New Year's
part of the year, we're gonna bereleasing daily episodes to help
you somatically walk through.
They'll be much shorter.
Um, but we are going to reallyhelp hold space for you during
what we're calling the 12 daysof divorce Christmas.
So just anticipate that we aregonna be a massive part of your
(03:43):
support system this year andreally hold your hand as we move
through this together.
But for today, we are gonnastart with at the top of the
episode talking about whyholiday grief hurts so
differently and not justemotionally, but like in your
body and from a neurological,from a literal brain
perspective.
(04:03):
And then as we move through theepisode a little bit later,
we're gonna teach you how torewire the thought, I don't
belong anywhere.
We're gonna help you turn thatinto a truth that allows you to
feel like you can breathe again.
And about midway, we're gonnateach you one tiny phrase that
will take the edge off when youfeel alone in a room full of
(04:26):
couples.
And near the end, we're gonnaguide you through a 60-second
nervous system reset you can usein the bathroom at any holiday
party you attend if you need to.
And then stay with us to the endbecause we're going to show you
how to turn this season intopower instead of performance.
But in the meantime, help mewelcome Tiffer Doodle and
(04:50):
producer Joy.
Hi, everybody.
Good morning.
SPEAKER_00 (04:54):
Good morning.
SPEAKER_03 (04:55):
Good morning.
Not to be weird, but we'repretty excited about what we
have planned for the podcast andour listeners and all the things
this holiday season, right?
We're we're turning it up aroundhere.
SPEAKER_00 (05:07):
Absolutely.
SPEAKER_03 (05:08):
Okay, let's talk for a moment about why the holidays
hurt so freaking much.
So there's this thing that'shappening because the holidays
signal our nervous system forboth threat and loss, along with
the idea of like holiday joy andum closeness and family, right?
(05:33):
It's like all of a sudden,holiday, and maybe for some of
us who have had like a lot offamily hurt and pain, the
holidays have always had thesetwo different sort of collapsed
meanings, right?
We have on the one hand, theholidays are supposed to
represent love and connectionand togetherness and harmony,
and I don't know, maybe sharesome of the things that you
associate or want to associatethe holidays with, right?
(05:55):
The like Publix commercial, theHallmark channel, whatever.
But then the holidays also haveembedded in them this perception
of threat and loss.
And so, in this one concept ofthe holidays, our nervous system
codes them as multiple things.
Like, think about the thefragrances of the holidays.
Like some of those things wouldhave historically been soothing,
(06:16):
but now all of a sudden it'scoded with this dual meaning of
both something positive andsomething painful.
And so part of our work to dowith why it hurts so differently
is like teasing apart what feelsgood, what feels painful, and
giving space for both of thosesensations.
Do y'all relate to that at all?
SPEAKER_00 (06:33):
I do, but I I just have to say something because
when you said holidaycommercial, yeah, like
immediately, okay, immediatelythe Hershey's Kisses, right,
that play the little holidayjingle or whatever every year.
Uh-huh.
Yes.
That's good.
But do you guys remember whenKmart released the Joe Boxer one
and they had to take it off ofthe air because it was a bunch
of men in boxers?
(06:54):
And so the bells were well, thebells were their balls, okay?
And they were Yes, yes.
So if you've never GoogledChristmas coming up, yeah, okay.
YouTube.
Yeah.
Anyway, I yeah, I think that youknow, for me going through
divorce, holidays are steeped inso much tradition, whether it's
(07:16):
family, and I feel like everyfamily unit has their own
traditions.
And so when I was trying tonavigate that post-divorce,
that's what felt the most lonelyfor me because I felt like I
didn't fit.
It's like people would invite meto other things and they would
invite me to different houses,but it's like I wouldn't get the
inside jokes, you know.
SPEAKER_03 (07:37):
It's not familiar, it's not comforting.
SPEAKER_00 (07:39):
Yeah, and sometimes the food was gross.
And then I remember oneparticular thing where I was
invited.
They ate dinner at seven atnight for Thanksgiving.
And I'm like, who in the helldoes that?
Why are we all standing around?
Like we're standing around innice clothes all damn day.
SPEAKER_03 (07:53):
I'm ready for my pajamas, and they're just Well,
right, because then you'rewashing dishes and cleaning the
kitchen at 9 p.m.
is the thing, right?
Like, yeah.
Yeah, so there's something aboutthat familiarity that we create,
right?
And all of a sudden, like in adivorce season, like nothing is
familiar.
Have you ever had that exampleof um, you know, we went through
(08:14):
something sort of rough herethis week in our house, and one
night Grace was sitting on thesofa and she's like, I just want
the fire and a Christmas movie,right?
There are things that weperceive as like really
comforting about the holidayseason, but then it's like that
sort of gets ripped from us,right?
All of a sudden, this thing thatwe typically associate as
(08:35):
comfort becomes painful.
SPEAKER_04 (08:36):
Painful.
SPEAKER_03 (08:37):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so can you think of any ofthose examples where like
something that normally like asmell, right?
Like a smell that would normallybe comforting, and all of a
sudden it brings a wave ofgrief, like the smell of
cinnamon or mold wine or pumpkinpie or I don't know, Christmas
trees, and all of a sudden,rather than it bringing joy, it
(08:59):
like actually brings a flood ofgrief.
SPEAKER_04 (09:03):
Yeah, for sure.
Smells, sounds like a particularsong in the grocery store that's
playing brings you back to themoment where you were gift
shopping and were dancing in theaisle about it, you know what I
mean?
SPEAKER_03 (09:20):
Like what about receiving all those picture
Christmas cards from all theother families?
All the perfect little worlds.
Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_00 (09:30):
That's the worst.
SPEAKER_04 (09:32):
Yeah.
Everything that you weresupposed to be, everything that
you're supposed to have,everything, all the grief that
comes with the shud of what itcould, and you know, all the
dreams of the future that you'resupposed to have, and all of the
things that it was, you know,like will never be, and your
kids are never gonna have.
SPEAKER_00 (09:52):
And I feel like that was so embarrassing for me
because we had just purchasedour new home in May.
And I sent out all these cardsannouncing with a picture of our
home this is our new address,you know, like so people could
send Christmas cards.
And then I pieced out two daysafter Christmas.
So you know what I mean?
(10:13):
So it's like all of a suddenit's like this happy news about
it, and then all of a sudden,like I'm gone.
And the Chris I couldn't even Icouldn't even send Christmas
cards the first year.
I was like, I can't even dothis.
Right.
And then the years after we'realways with just me and Ari, you
know, just me and my daughter onChristmas cards.
So yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (10:31):
I'm curious if there's like a level of almost
um well, I mean, of coursethere's embarrassment, like you
feel shame because you sent outthe beautiful Instagram picture
of your family and then piecedout is that is the word you
used.
But like, how do you fill in thegap between sending out the
(10:56):
card, realizing this isn't it,this isn't he's never gonna
change, this isn't where it'strue.
SPEAKER_02 (11:05):
What I sold what I sold wasn't the truth.
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (11:09):
Right, what I sold wasn't the truth.
Thank you for those words.
What I sold wasn't the truth.
And then the shame of sendingout a new card of this is the
truth, this is my vulnerablespot, and the self-acceptance
and love that you get, anempowerment you get from saying,
No, this is actually this isactually the truth.
SPEAKER_03 (11:31):
Gosh, that's like a perfect segue into our next
little topic here, right?
But like, yeah, can the newChristmas card come with like
bonus content, like an addendumthat is like, our family is
currently going through arebrand?
SPEAKER_02 (11:44):
Welcome to this is our new logo you can now find on
this, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (11:53):
Um this is like this is so cringe worthy.
So then I may or may not haveput my new boyfriend in a
Christmas card the followingyear, and then he was out of the
Christmas card the year.
Everybody's like, what the hellis happening to her right now?
SPEAKER_03 (12:12):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, I had that feeling soloud when because I was in the
process of getting my license.
Uh you know, I graduated fromgraduate school and I had to do
that two years of post-graduateschool supervision before I
could get licensed and sit forthe exam and all that stuff.
And it was like I had an officewith uh my name on the door and
(12:33):
all the things, right?
And it's like, I don't know,something about changing my name
in my professional community, itthat felt so like that.
Like, oh, what I sold wasn'ttrue, and now this is the real
thing.
This is the rebrand, and itfeels so vulnerable to announce
a name change publicly in aprofessional setting.
(12:55):
I don't know, I definitely hadall those feelings about that.
Like everybody could see my whatI didn't want them to see was
happening behind the scenes.
It was like there's a bigglaring sign on the door.
Right, right, right now.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (13:06):
Yeah.
I've always been that way, Ithink.
And I was so afraid that myfriends were gonna be mad at me
when everything came out andthat I was gonna lose all of my
friends because I felt like afraud.
I felt like I wasn't sharingreally at the core of what was
happening in my marriage.
And even, you know, we even gotto the point where then we were
fighting in front of otherpeople.
(13:27):
There was one particular eventwhere we were at a family
function and it was bad.
Like it was just really bad.
And it was in front of a lot offamily and um friends, and even
people would ask me afterwards,like, are you okay?
And I would be like, Yeah, it'sfine.
Like we always do, it's fine,like everything's okay.
And really, like I was dyinginside, like, because everyone
(13:49):
was noticing, and it was themost embarrassing thing ever to
feel like my life was fallingapart and I couldn't share it
with anybody.
So, yeah, there was a lot offear that once everything came
out that I was gonna have nobodyon the other side because
everybody was gonna be pissedoff that I was living this lie.
SPEAKER_03 (14:05):
Yeah, so let's dig into that, right?
Because I think, you know, herewe're talking about this like
rebrand, like I sold somethingthat wasn't true, right?
So then many of us walk aroundin life with this sense that I
don't belong anywhere, right?
I think that we have allstruggled with that at some
point in life.
And I think post-divorce, it'slike excruciatingly loud that
sensation in our bodies, right?
And so this idea that westruggle with, I don't belong
(14:26):
anywhere.
Can we talk, can we tie thesetwo things together?
Because it's really like we havedivorced ourselves from the
truth for so long, by the timewe get to a divorce situation,
right?
We divorced ourselves from thetruth of what was going on in
our bodies, in our marriages, inour lives, in our own mental
health.
We have divorced ourselves fromthe feelings that needed to be
owned and processed.
(14:47):
And so now what's reallyhappening when we say I don't
belong anywhere is us actuallyhaving disassociated ourselves
from the truth for so long, wedon't feel like we belong in our
own bodies anymore.
We don't belong to ourselvesanymore.
And then we can't escape thatsensation and we interpret it as
I don't belong anywhere.
But really, it's like I have notowned myself, I've not claimed
(15:10):
myself, I have not claimed mytruth, I have not spoken my
truth, I have not felt my actualfeelings, I have not um
identified my actual needs ormet them.
You know, I just have notbelonged to myself in so long.
I I I'm not even in on the jokeanymore.
SPEAKER_04 (15:25):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (15:25):
So what if belonging isn't a place, right?
And Brene Brown has done so muchbeautiful work about this.
But what if belonging isn't aplace out there, it's a place in
here.
And I think many of ourlisteners don't even know quite
where to start with that, right?
Right.
But that's the journey.
SPEAKER_00 (15:42):
Yeah, I think from an IFS perspective, something
that's really become a themeright now in our current cohort.
And I kind of explained to thewomen, you know, we're we're
month one.
SPEAKER_02 (15:50):
In a different T-word.
SPEAKER_00 (15:52):
Yeah, like we're in month one, right?
So we start, we talk here allthe time, and Dawn says all the
time.
SPEAKER_03 (15:56):
No, we are officially in month, we're
officially in month two now.
SPEAKER_00 (16:00):
We have graduated to month two today, actually,
right?
Yeah, last night was month two.
Yeah.
You know, Dawn says all the timethat divorce is a symptom.
And, you know, God, I believethat so much because the usually
the first three months of theprogram that we do, the women
are in it with their divorce,but then it starts to become
about how did I get here?
(16:21):
And then having to live withthat and process that and that
moment when I see them breakdown because they've realized
that for five years, ten years,thirty years, forty years, they
have given themselves up forsomebody else.
How did I allow that to happento me?
How did I think that's what Ideserved?
And so for me, yes, when thereis no sense of belonging
(16:43):
anywhere, it's because there areso many parts of you inside that
do not feel seen and like theybelong with you.
SPEAKER_03 (16:50):
Yeah.
So well said.
So well said.
So the the journey of cominghome to belonging to self,
right, is not a short one.
It's not an easy one.
It's an incre it's like the mostrewarding journey you will ever,
ever, ever, ever go on.
But it's not short and it's noteasy.
But in the meantime, right,let's say you're at the holiday
(17:11):
party and you're feeling all thefeelings and the shit is popping
off inside of you, outside ofyou, right?
There are some phrases, right,that you can write down that you
can carry with you, that youcould put on your phone screen
that you can remind yourself,right?
And it's actually a phrase we'veused.
And I'd love to hear what youwould add to this, right?
But we've been using this phrasewith the women in a different
D-word this month, which is I amsafe to be seen in this moment.
(17:36):
I am safe to be seen in thismoment.
And that starts with me, right?
To see myself and to see howmuch I'm suppressing and
repressing and avoiding andtrying to not have to be in
touch with, but I'm safe to beseen.
And I think so often we'retrying to escape what we're
feeling, what we're goingthrough.
We just want to distance fromit.
We don't want to deal with it.
We don't, it's just so much,right?
(17:57):
But until we start to coachourselves into it's safe to be
seen, we can't start cominghome.
And then we feel aloneeverywhere.
Uh-uh.
Yeah.
So how does that phrase land inyour bodies, right?
And what would you add to it?
Or what would would you maybeeven add a whole nother phrase
altogether?
SPEAKER_00 (18:17):
I would say that the theme that I noticed the most
too is that when you start tolook at the husband from outside
and say, okay, there's a lot ofways where we weren't aligned,
this wasn't aligned, you're alsogoing to take a really hard look
at your friends.
And you're going to say, arethese people also avoidant,
(18:37):
anxious?
What sort of attachment style?
Because when you're in thatspace to attract an anxious or
avoidant man, you're in the samespace to attract those same type
of friends.
Hot down.
Right?
So for me, it's like, are yousafe to be seen with your
current circle?
And a lot of people are gonnasay no.
And if you don't feel likeyou're safe to be seen in your
(18:58):
current circle, honey, you gotthe wrong circle.
SPEAKER_03 (19:02):
But how can you attract a new circle until you
step into authenticity, right?
Because you can't transform whatyou can't own.
So it's like such a balled-upprocess of yeah, you have to
become safe to be seen inside ofyou first, and then over time,
yes, your entire circle isprobably not your entire circle,
but let's say I would guessprobably 60 to 75 percent of a
woman's circle transforms whenshe divorces.
(19:25):
Yeah, I would agree with that.
It's not all or nothing, butit's right.
SPEAKER_04 (19:30):
No, it's like and like and maybe not just if she
divorces, but like if she goesthrough the work to heal.
If she transforms, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right, because you startthreatening their sense of was
true, right?
When you can hold a line, whenyou can be integrated in
yourself and not take on theiremotional manipulations and like
(19:54):
and it of course no but ifthey're your friends, they're
your friends for a reason, likeI'm sure there's some deep love
there, but when you start yourglow up and your secure
attachment journey and startnoticing actually that's not
that's not mine to carry, that'snot my burden, like I'm not
responsible for your emotions,I'm not responsible and you
(20:16):
start having theseconversations, it threatens.
Some people can't they justcan't.
Like I've lost friends when Ilost people that I thought were
my ride or dies forever becausethey couldn't, for one reason or
another, they couldn't handle mestepping into being authentic
(20:37):
for myself.
SPEAKER_00 (20:38):
I feel like that's the theme in our program right
now, is a lot of the women aresaying how triggered they are by
their friends' reactions aroundtheir divorce.
SPEAKER_03 (20:46):
Oh, that has been a huge conversation, hasn't it?
SPEAKER_00 (20:49):
Or like I would never do that.
How are you doing that?
You should be doing this, andit's like everybody wants to
have an opinion about whatyou're doing, which is very
triggering to somebody who'strying to navigate just daily
life.
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (21:01):
It's so much easier to have an opinion about you
than it is to own my own shit,right?
And I think that's how so muchof our society operates.
SPEAKER_04 (21:09):
And for me, I was very I was I protected him.
Like I would nobody knew.
Nobody knew my marriage, nobodyknew my truth, right?
And so nobody knew anything.
And when everything kind of cameout, it was very, or like when
(21:30):
we separated and everything,like it was so like, but he's
such a good man.
Or, you know, like it was sobecause the facade, right?
Yeah, it was so jarring, it wasso hard for people to kind of
come to grips with, and like,what did you do?
And I still have family inquotes to this day who struggle
(21:51):
with the reality of he isn'tmade he wasn't at the top of the
podium, right?
Like, and it's easier to blameand to um shift and to focus on
every on something that'sactually not the problem, right?
SPEAKER_03 (22:13):
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Well, yeah, and I think in thecontext of this conversation
about the holidays, like howmany of us before divorce used
the holidays as texture to thecon, right?
Like if we were all running acon within our within ourselves
or within our communities orwithin our families or within
our own marriage, right?
If there was so much shit weweren't looking at, or we were
trying to look at it maybe, butlike it wasn't moving, whatever,
(22:35):
right?
Right.
And then here come the holidaysand it's texture to the con,
like the family photos, thematching fiction, matching
pajamas, yes, yes, yes.
SPEAKER_00 (22:45):
That is the time of year where you were at holidays.
Biggest stage.
SPEAKER_04 (22:48):
Yep.
And you go to the events.
SPEAKER_03 (22:52):
Yeah.
And so now here we are at theholidays, and it's like, oh, the
con is over.
It didn't work.
And now, yeah, these things thatused to distract me from my pain
or help me cover or hide from itor whatever, right?
It's just become such adouble-edged sword.
Yeah.
So let's talk about all right,you're in the holiday party,
(23:14):
you're with the people, I don'tknow, you're trying to pull it
together this year, right?
You're trying to juggle all thethings, and you're panicking,
right?
And and you've coached yourself,like it's safe to be seen, and
I'm in the process, and I'mgonna feel my feelings and all
the things.
But like, all right, you're atthe party and you're coming
unglued.
What do you do now?
So here's my suggestion.
Feel free to add to it, right?
But let's make a bathroom runpact, right?
(23:37):
Yeah.
That it is a good and healthyidea to run to the bathroom in
any particular context, right?
Run cold water on those wrists,start humming, and do some
squats.
And I really mean all three ofthose things, right?
Like squats, humming, and coldwater, they're very much somatic
tools to help really get back inyour body, help move the energy
through, through, through,through, through.
(23:59):
The squats help access thesuppressed rage and anger,
right?
Because anytime women pushthrough their hips, like the
deeper you can go, the better.
It's a power move.
It helps release anger.
The humming helps cue to thenervous system that you're safe
to feel the feelings that arecoming up.
Because we don't regulate thenervous system to distance from
pain.
(24:19):
We use nervous system tools tore-coach ourselves that it is
safe to feel.
So humming cues that nervoussystem that it's safe to feel
what's coming up.
And then that water on the wristjust helps bring some water to
the literal fire, right?
Like grounding in the moment,maybe a little bit of a
distraction, even.
What would y'all add to that?
Like your your ideal bathroombreak, like if you are going to
(24:43):
recover yourself in thebathroom.
SPEAKER_00 (24:46):
I mean, bring a sewing kit for me because if I'm
wearing leggings and I'msquatting, we might have a
problem.
SPEAKER_02 (24:50):
Um lol.
SPEAKER_03 (24:52):
You know what my you know what my daughter does in a
bathroom is she always smellsthe soap and like compares it.
But I bet that's a verygrounding thing for her when she
smells the soap to see whetheror not she likes it, right?
Yeah, breathing the smell of thesoap.
Interesting.
SPEAKER_00 (25:04):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (25:07):
That's hysterical.
SPEAKER_00 (25:08):
Yeah.
I think bathroom breaks aregood, right?
So be able to breathe, do somedeep breathing, and just really
get yourself focused.
That's the other thing aboutsquatting.
SPEAKER_03 (25:18):
It's hard to avoid a deep breath when you're doing
physical robust work.
SPEAKER_04 (25:22):
I think the only thing I would change or add is I
would open the window justbecause for me, fresh air is
that's a rubric in homeopathy.
It's pivotal for me.
Like I if you can't go outsideand take your shoes off, right?
Just fresh air is very groundingto me.
But also now the someone on theoutside of the door is gonna
(25:43):
hear the open, the window open,you're running water and
humming.
So that's actually a reallyfunny.
SPEAKER_01 (25:50):
I am safe to be seen.
I am safe to be seen.
I am safe to be seen.
SPEAKER_03 (25:55):
My kid came home.
My kid came home yesterday, anduh, there were physical signs
that she was stressed.
And I was like, What were you sostressed about today?
She's like, I knew you weregonna ask.
I'm trying to remember.
And then she came back and she'slike, I farted in chapel, and
everybody heard it.
SPEAKER_02 (26:11):
She's like, nobody said anything, but everybody
heard it, and I did get sostressed out.
SPEAKER_03 (26:15):
But right, it starts from such a young age, like
feeling vulnerable, like youknow, being human.
unknown (26:21):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (26:22):
Being human, everybody farming farts.
I also read this thing.
I think I reposted it to mystories.
If you are not on the IG, well,if you're on the IG, but you
don't follow, like, let's followeach other.
Um, but I read this thing abouthow we celebrate so much, like
marriage and like birth andwhatever, and we have all these
parties to announce likeengagement, marriage, gender,
(26:44):
whatever.
But then when we get divorced,there's no freaking parties to
like, you know, there's not thesame amount of community
support, right?
SPEAKER_04 (26:50):
So half the sex in the city.
Yeah, there's a sex in the cityepisode about how she throws
herself a I'm single party.
SPEAKER_03 (26:58):
Because she was so tired of bringing it up.
Right, because she was right.
SPEAKER_04 (27:01):
Because like there needs to be more I'm single
party.
I'm an amazing human being.
I'm a single party, right?
SPEAKER_03 (27:06):
Like yeah, half the planet gets or half the United
States, right, gets divorced.
And like, yeah, let's do better.
Celebrating being human, right?
It's safe to be seen whileyou're running the water and
squatting and sewing up yourpants.
SPEAKER_00 (27:19):
And people want to make it into something I feel
like that's so awkward stillthat they're not quite sure how
to.
And so I've been experiencingthis lately because I just
changed my last name back to mymaiden name after being divorced
for like 14 years.
And so people are likecongratulating me because I
don't know what they thought.
And they're like, Oh, iscongratulations in order?
(27:39):
Like, did you get married?
And I go, No, actually, it'sfrom my divorce.
And they're like, Oh, and I'mlike, No, you can congratulate
me too.
Like, that's fine.
Like, I'll take that all day.
SPEAKER_03 (27:48):
Yeah, I'm coming home to myself, right?
I'm coming home to myself.
Yeah, freaking congratulate me.
I'll take it.
Yeah, love that.
Okay, so this is a season that'sincredibly painful.
We're not gonna sugarcoat that,right?
But and also, let's turn it intoa season of power because we are
talking about, we understandthat all of these rituals and
traditional traditions andfeeling like you don't belong,
(28:10):
these are all gonna be very realsensations.
Let's own them, let's run withit, right?
But also, let's own, let'scongratulate ourselves, let's
congratulate each other aroundthis is a powerful, powerful,
powerful season.
Let's ditch the performance,let's claim the authenticity,
let's come home to self andlet's own this thing, this idea
(28:33):
that everything is alwaysworking out for us.
That's the real freaking powermove during this season.
I am feeling this horrible,horrible, horrible pain, and yet
everything is always working outfor me.
And I think that while mostpeople will struggle to find the
truth in that sentence duringthis season, if you don't start
(28:56):
claiming it now, it's all toomuch, it's all too heavy, it's
all too hard, right?
So, this is my powerrecommendation and my personal
power move every time I'm goingthrough something painful.
When I'm not, every timesomething amazing happens, I'm
like, hot damn, everything'sworking out for me.
Everything's time every timesomething painful is happening,
I'm like, hot damn, everythingis always working out for me.
(29:19):
Because if we do not turn thispain into power and purpose, we
get stuck and we cannot see.
We cannot see the silver lining,we cannot as efficiently move
towards joy, hope, faith,growth, shedding, letting go.
Too many women struggle tobelieve that they can have what
they want, that they can bethemselves, that they can
(29:40):
manifest the shit out of theirlives, right?
And it starts with this powermove is claiming even when you
are in the bathroom having tosew up your pants, everything is
always working out for you.
I know y'all have watched me usethis phrase for years, and I
think you've also watched itwork.
SPEAKER_02 (29:55):
Yeah, yeah.
unknown (29:58):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (29:59):
What else would you add to that, you know, ways that
our listeners can turn thispainful holiday season into
power rather than performance?
SPEAKER_00 (30:07):
I would create new traditions.
Like for me, that was probablyone of the most exciting things.
And I know I've talked aboutthis before.
I might have written an emailabout it or whatever, but you
know, I left two days afterChristmas, and so that that
Christmas I spent on my friend'scouch.
Um, and we had my daughter and Ihad Christmas at her house.
(30:28):
But the first Christmas afterwas like a year after I left.
And I didn't have a lot ofmoney.
We were in Myrtle Beach, mydaughter was um three, and we
literally I call it a familydollar Christmas.
I went out and bought a$25Christmas tree.
SPEAKER_03 (30:43):
I love that.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (30:45):
You know, again, I had said this before, but like
I'm not making a ham dinner forher and I, right?
So I literally made hot dogs andshells and cheese, and then we
went to the movies and we kindof kept that tradition for quite
a long time.
Um obsessed.
It was authentic, it was soauthentic, and that's the thing
we're leaning into.
Yes.
And it was one of the bestChristmases, like, and looking
(31:06):
back at our traditions that I'veever had, and it's so funny now
that she's you know 20 and shelike recalls all this, and so
there's different things thatshe asks to still do.
We no longer have hot dogs andshells and cheese, but you know,
it's it's just decorate.
SPEAKER_01 (31:20):
That could be a dish, that could be a side dish.
Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00 (31:23):
And you know, like we love to decorate ornaments,
and sometimes we'll go to themovies, and just all these
little traditions that we'vepicked up over the years that
have made it very special for ushas been.
Been amazing.
SPEAKER_03 (31:35):
So, ladies, what you're hearing is that if you're
invited to a holiday party inTifferdoodle's honor, you could
bring shells and cheese withsome hot dogs sliced up and be
part of our seven.
SPEAKER_00 (31:50):
Yeah.
Or you don't have to fucking go.
And that's the beauty of it,right?
Yeah.
Like that perfectionist part ofyou or that image part of you
that's saying, Well, I have togo.
I have to save face.
Girl, she is overworked.
Give her a break.
Lay at home.
SPEAKER_01 (32:03):
That's it.
SPEAKER_00 (32:04):
Put on some slippers, make some shells and
cheese and hot cocoa, and justwatch home alone.
That is like my mantra.
SPEAKER_03 (32:10):
Unless you're a craft girl.
Unless you're a craft girl.
And then it can't be shells andcheese.
It has to be craft.
SPEAKER_00 (32:15):
Well, ew, uh.
Okay.
Whatever.
We can debate that on another.
That's fine.
SPEAKER_04 (32:22):
It's just such a pivotal shift.
When you go from needing to bechosen to choosing you.
Like you don't need a partner tofeel chosen.
You don't need that.
You get to choose you.
You get to step into yourauthentic self and create your
own self of traditions andchoices.
(32:45):
Yeah.
You're not going to be able todo that.
SPEAKER_03 (32:47):
And allow the people who want to choose you to choose
you.
Like we choose you, right?
Like if you, you know, you heardus at the top of the at the top
of the show saying we we'relaunching this new segment about
wins.
Like, like lean into us.
We choose you.
Send us your wins.
Send us your little happy, happyjoy joys.
Send us your tiny littlesomething that everybody else
would measure as bullshit, butwe would measure it as
(33:08):
everything because we know inthis season, right, that you
need to be celebrated for allthe little things.
Send it to us.
Let us choose you.
Receive that, right?
Learn how to choose you by goingtowards the people who are
claiming you as part of theirtribe in a way that is healthy
and whole and they're willing towitness your pain.
So much of why we divorceourselves from our own belonging
is because it's really hard forpeople to witness pain and not
(33:32):
try to fix it or push it down,right?
And so the more you move towardspeople who can just sit with you
and witness your pain and acceptyou in those painful moments
without trying to numb it orlaugh it off or push it away or
distance from it, they can holdspace for you.
That helps you learn how tochoose you, how to belong to
you.
And that's what we want to dowith you over here.
SPEAKER_00 (33:52):
I want to add one more thing.
Please.
Last thing is all of myholidays, because I had a lot of
them post-divorce alone beforeI'm in the relationship I am
now.
I had like 10 or 11 Christmasesthat were just either me or me
and my daughter.
And what I will tell you is thatthe holidays where I felt the
loneliest was when I was doingsomething I didn't want to do.
(34:15):
When I accepted an invitationsomewhere that I didn't really
want to go.
Yes.
SPEAKER_03 (34:21):
Yes.
When you didn't honor, youdidn't honor your intuition or
the voice or the whatever thething.
Hot damn.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, darlings.
If this episode softenssomething inside of you,
imagine, right?
If you just started to claimyour own power.
And this week, our Thursdaypremium episode is a guided
practice that you can use themoment your chest tightens in
(34:43):
the freaking grocery store.
Do you know how many of us havegrocery store aisle stories?
And how many of the women wework with have grocery store
aisle stories, right?
So during this holiday season,this week's Thursday episode is
going to be literally a guidedmeditation that you can put an
earbud in and you can use ifyou're at the party or you're at
the store, you're in the car,you're wherever you are, and you
are, you know, headed towardspanic.
(35:03):
It's a track to help guide youand hold you through that.
So that's Thursday's episode.
If you're not a premiumlistener, strongly recommend
because we are creating anentire community just around
premium listenership, right?
Access to products that nobodyelse gets access to, um, live
workshops with our team, all theaccess to all of the episodes
that we do here at Dare DivorceDiary.
(35:24):
And a lot of them are healingtracks, right?
It's not just us talking aboutthe things, it's actually
implementing the work.
So strongly recommend premiumlistenership and then send us
your wins.
Get in the habit of sending usyour wins.
Hello at mycoachdawn.com.
Send us an email, voice note,picture, sentences, whatever it
is, but just get in that habit.
It is going to change your life.
(35:45):
We love you so much.
Peace.com.
Holidays don't just remind you who's at your table,
they remind you who isn't.
And when you're divorced, thatquiet has a sound.
It's the clink of one muginstead of two, the moment you
carry the groceries in alone.
It's not that you miss him, youmiss belonging somewhere you
(01:56):
thought was yours forever.
And if right now your chestfeels tight and your brain is
whispering, why am I still here?
Breathe.
Nothing about this moment meansyou're behind or broken or
unlovable.
(02:18):
It means your nervous systemstill remembers love and it's
learning what safety feels likewithout him.
Hi, love.
Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary,the podcast helping divorcees go
beyond talk therapy to processyour grief, find the healing you
(02:39):
crave, and build back yourconfidence.
I'm your host, Don Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer, and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
(03:01):
All right, my darlings, we'veofficially entered that time of
year where we are juggling notjust divorce grief, but divorce
grief and the holidays.
And so we're here to walk withyou through it.
And one of the things I want youto anticipate during this
holiday season is we're gonna dothe 12 days of Christmas towards
the end of the year.
(03:22):
And we will be during especiallythe Christmas and New Year's
part of the year, we're gonna bereleasing daily episodes to help
you somatically walk through.
They'll be much shorter.
Um, but we are going to reallyhelp hold space for you during
what we're calling the 12 daysof divorce Christmas.
So just anticipate that we aregonna be a massive part of your
(03:43):
support system this year andreally hold your hand as we move
through this together.
But for today, we are gonnastart with at the top of the
episode talking about whyholiday grief hurts so
differently and not justemotionally, but like in your
body and from a neurological,from a literal brain
perspective.
(04:03):
And then as we move through theepisode a little bit later,
we're gonna teach you how torewire the thought, I don't
belong anywhere.
We're gonna help you turn thatinto a truth that allows you to
feel like you can breathe again.
And about midway, we're gonnateach you one tiny phrase that
will take the edge off when youfeel alone in a room full of
(04:26):
couples.
And near the end, we're gonnaguide you through a 60-second
nervous system reset you can usein the bathroom at any holiday
party you attend if you need to.
And then stay with us to the endbecause we're going to show you
how to turn this season intopower instead of performance.
But in the meantime, help mewelcome Tiffer Doodle and
(04:50):
producer Joy.
Hi, everybody.
Good morning.
SPEAKER_00 (04:54):
Good morning.
SPEAKER_03 (04:55):
Good morning.
Not to be weird, but we'repretty excited about what we
have planned for the podcast andour listeners and all the things
this holiday season, right?
We're we're turning it up aroundhere.
SPEAKER_00 (05:07):
Absolutely.
SPEAKER_03 (05:08):
Okay, let's talk for a moment about why the holidays
hurt so freaking much.
So there's this thing that'shappening because the holidays
signal our nervous system forboth threat and loss, along with
the idea of like holiday joy andum closeness and family, right?
(05:33):
It's like all of a sudden,holiday, and maybe for some of
us who have had like a lot offamily hurt and pain, the
holidays have always had thesetwo different sort of collapsed
meanings, right?
We have on the one hand, theholidays are supposed to
represent love and connectionand togetherness and harmony,
and I don't know, maybe sharesome of the things that you
associate or want to associatethe holidays with, right?
(05:55):
The like Publix commercial, theHallmark channel, whatever.
But then the holidays also haveembedded in them this perception
of threat and loss.
And so, in this one concept ofthe holidays, our nervous system
codes them as multiple things.
Like, think about the thefragrances of the holidays.
Like some of those things wouldhave historically been soothing,
(06:16):
but now all of a sudden it'scoded with this dual meaning of
both something positive andsomething painful.
And so part of our work to dowith why it hurts so differently
is like teasing apart what feelsgood, what feels painful, and
giving space for both of thosesensations.
Do y'all relate to that at all?
SPEAKER_00 (06:33):
I do, but I I just have to say something because
when you said holidaycommercial, yeah, like
immediately, okay, immediatelythe Hershey's Kisses, right,
that play the little holidayjingle or whatever every year.
Uh-huh.
Yes.
That's good.
But do you guys remember whenKmart released the Joe Boxer one
and they had to take it off ofthe air because it was a bunch
of men in boxers?
(06:54):
And so the bells were well, thebells were their balls, okay?
And they were Yes, yes.
So if you've never GoogledChristmas coming up, yeah, okay.
YouTube.
Yeah.
Anyway, I yeah, I think that youknow, for me going through
divorce, holidays are steeped inso much tradition, whether it's
(07:16):
family, and I feel like everyfamily unit has their own
traditions.
And so when I was trying tonavigate that post-divorce,
that's what felt the most lonelyfor me because I felt like I
didn't fit.
It's like people would invite meto other things and they would
invite me to different houses,but it's like I wouldn't get the
inside jokes, you know.
SPEAKER_03 (07:37):
It's not familiar, it's not comforting.
SPEAKER_00 (07:39):
Yeah, and sometimes the food was gross.
And then I remember oneparticular thing where I was
invited.
They ate dinner at seven atnight for Thanksgiving.
And I'm like, who in the helldoes that?
Why are we all standing around?
Like we're standing around innice clothes all damn day.
SPEAKER_03 (07:53):
I'm ready for my pajamas, and they're just Well,
right, because then you'rewashing dishes and cleaning the
kitchen at 9 p.m.
is the thing, right?
Like, yeah.
Yeah, so there's something aboutthat familiarity that we create,
right?
And all of a sudden, like in adivorce season, like nothing is
familiar.
Have you ever had that exampleof um, you know, we went through
(08:14):
something sort of rough herethis week in our house, and one
night Grace was sitting on thesofa and she's like, I just want
the fire and a Christmas movie,right?
There are things that weperceive as like really
comforting about the holidayseason, but then it's like that
sort of gets ripped from us,right?
All of a sudden, this thing thatwe typically associate as
(08:35):
comfort becomes painful.
SPEAKER_04 (08:36):
Painful.
SPEAKER_03 (08:37):
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And so can you think of any ofthose examples where like
something that normally like asmell, right?
Like a smell that would normallybe comforting, and all of a
sudden it brings a wave ofgrief, like the smell of
cinnamon or mold wine or pumpkinpie or I don't know, Christmas
trees, and all of a sudden,rather than it bringing joy, it
(08:59):
like actually brings a flood ofgrief.
SPEAKER_04 (09:03):
Yeah, for sure.
Smells, sounds like a particularsong in the grocery store that's
playing brings you back to themoment where you were gift
shopping and were dancing in theaisle about it, you know what I
mean?
SPEAKER_03 (09:20):
Like what about receiving all those picture
Christmas cards from all theother families?
All the perfect little worlds.
Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_00 (09:30):
That's the worst.
SPEAKER_04 (09:32):
Yeah.
Everything that you weresupposed to be, everything that
you're supposed to have,everything, all the grief that
comes with the shud of what itcould, and you know, all the
dreams of the future that you'resupposed to have, and all of the
things that it was, you know,like will never be, and your
kids are never gonna have.
SPEAKER_00 (09:52):
And I feel like that was so embarrassing for me
because we had just purchasedour new home in May.
And I sent out all these cardsannouncing with a picture of our
home this is our new address,you know, like so people could
send Christmas cards.
And then I pieced out two daysafter Christmas.
So you know what I mean?
(10:13):
So it's like all of a suddenit's like this happy news about
it, and then all of a sudden,like I'm gone.
And the Chris I couldn't even Icouldn't even send Christmas
cards the first year.
I was like, I can't even dothis.
Right.
And then the years after we'realways with just me and Ari, you
know, just me and my daughter onChristmas cards.
So yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (10:31):
I'm curious if there's like a level of almost
um well, I mean, of coursethere's embarrassment, like you
feel shame because you sent outthe beautiful Instagram picture
of your family and then piecedout is that is the word you
used.
But like, how do you fill in thegap between sending out the
(10:56):
card, realizing this isn't it,this isn't he's never gonna
change, this isn't where it'strue.
SPEAKER_02 (11:05):
What I sold what I sold wasn't the truth.
Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_04 (11:09):
Right, what I sold wasn't the truth.
Thank you for those words.
What I sold wasn't the truth.
And then the shame of sendingout a new card of this is the
truth, this is my vulnerablespot, and the self-acceptance
and love that you get, anempowerment you get from saying,
No, this is actually this isactually the truth.
SPEAKER_03 (11:31):
Gosh, that's like a perfect segue into our next
little topic here, right?
But like, yeah, can the newChristmas card come with like
bonus content, like an addendumthat is like, our family is
currently going through arebrand?
SPEAKER_02 (11:44):
Welcome to this is our new logo you can now find on
this, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (11:53):
Um this is like this is so cringe worthy.
So then I may or may not haveput my new boyfriend in a
Christmas card the followingyear, and then he was out of the
Christmas card the year.
Everybody's like, what the hellis happening to her right now?
SPEAKER_03 (12:12):
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know, I had that feeling soloud when because I was in the
process of getting my license.
Uh you know, I graduated fromgraduate school and I had to do
that two years of post-graduateschool supervision before I
could get licensed and sit forthe exam and all that stuff.
And it was like I had an officewith uh my name on the door and
(12:33):
all the things, right?
And it's like, I don't know,something about changing my name
in my professional community, itthat felt so like that.
Like, oh, what I sold wasn'ttrue, and now this is the real
thing.
This is the rebrand, and itfeels so vulnerable to announce
a name change publicly in aprofessional setting.
(12:55):
I don't know, I definitely hadall those feelings about that.
Like everybody could see my whatI didn't want them to see was
happening behind the scenes.
It was like there's a bigglaring sign on the door.
Right, right, right now.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (13:06):
Yeah.
I've always been that way, Ithink.
And I was so afraid that myfriends were gonna be mad at me
when everything came out andthat I was gonna lose all of my
friends because I felt like afraud.
I felt like I wasn't sharingreally at the core of what was
happening in my marriage.
And even, you know, we even gotto the point where then we were
fighting in front of otherpeople.
(13:27):
There was one particular eventwhere we were at a family
function and it was bad.
Like it was just really bad.
And it was in front of a lot offamily and um friends, and even
people would ask me afterwards,like, are you okay?
And I would be like, Yeah, it'sfine.
Like we always do, it's fine,like everything's okay.
And really, like I was dyinginside, like, because everyone
(13:49):
was noticing, and it was themost embarrassing thing ever to
feel like my life was fallingapart and I couldn't share it
with anybody.
So, yeah, there was a lot offear that once everything came
out that I was gonna have nobodyon the other side because
everybody was gonna be pissedoff that I was living this lie.
SPEAKER_03 (14:05):
Yeah, so let's dig into that, right?
Because I think, you know, herewe're talking about this like
rebrand, like I sold somethingthat wasn't true, right?
So then many of us walk aroundin life with this sense that I
don't belong anywhere, right?
I think that we have allstruggled with that at some
point in life.
And I think post-divorce, it'slike excruciatingly loud that
sensation in our bodies, right?
And so this idea that westruggle with, I don't belong
(14:26):
anywhere.
Can we talk, can we tie thesetwo things together?
Because it's really like we havedivorced ourselves from the
truth for so long, by the timewe get to a divorce situation,
right?
We divorced ourselves from thetruth of what was going on in
our bodies, in our marriages, inour lives, in our own mental
health.
We have divorced ourselves fromthe feelings that needed to be
owned and processed.
(14:47):
And so now what's reallyhappening when we say I don't
belong anywhere is us actuallyhaving disassociated ourselves
from the truth for so long, wedon't feel like we belong in our
own bodies anymore.
We don't belong to ourselvesanymore.
And then we can't escape thatsensation and we interpret it as
I don't belong anywhere.
But really, it's like I have notowned myself, I've not claimed
(15:10):
myself, I have not claimed mytruth, I have not spoken my
truth, I have not felt my actualfeelings, I have not um
identified my actual needs ormet them.
You know, I just have notbelonged to myself in so long.
I I I'm not even in on the jokeanymore.
SPEAKER_04 (15:25):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (15:25):
So what if belonging isn't a place, right?
And Brene Brown has done so muchbeautiful work about this.
But what if belonging isn't aplace out there, it's a place in
here.
And I think many of ourlisteners don't even know quite
where to start with that, right?
Right.
But that's the journey.
SPEAKER_00 (15:42):
Yeah, I think from an IFS perspective, something
that's really become a themeright now in our current cohort.
And I kind of explained to thewomen, you know, we're we're
month one.
SPEAKER_02 (15:50):
In a different T-word.
SPEAKER_00 (15:52):
Yeah, like we're in month one, right?
So we start, we talk here allthe time, and Dawn says all the
time.
SPEAKER_03 (15:56):
No, we are officially in month, we're
officially in month two now.
SPEAKER_00 (16:00):
We have graduated to month two today, actually,
right?
Yeah, last night was month two.
Yeah.
You know, Dawn says all the timethat divorce is a symptom.
And, you know, God, I believethat so much because the usually
the first three months of theprogram that we do, the women
are in it with their divorce,but then it starts to become
about how did I get here?
(16:21):
And then having to live withthat and process that and that
moment when I see them breakdown because they've realized
that for five years, ten years,thirty years, forty years, they
have given themselves up forsomebody else.
How did I allow that to happento me?
How did I think that's what Ideserved?
And so for me, yes, when thereis no sense of belonging
(16:43):
anywhere, it's because there areso many parts of you inside that
do not feel seen and like theybelong with you.
SPEAKER_03 (16:50):
Yeah.
So well said.
So well said.
So the the journey of cominghome to belonging to self,
right, is not a short one.
It's not an easy one.
It's an incre it's like the mostrewarding journey you will ever,
ever, ever, ever go on.
But it's not short and it's noteasy.
But in the meantime, right,let's say you're at the holiday
(17:11):
party and you're feeling all thefeelings and the shit is popping
off inside of you, outside ofyou, right?
There are some phrases, right,that you can write down that you
can carry with you, that youcould put on your phone screen
that you can remind yourself,right?
And it's actually a phrase we'veused.
And I'd love to hear what youwould add to this, right?
But we've been using this phrasewith the women in a different
D-word this month, which is I amsafe to be seen in this moment.
(17:36):
I am safe to be seen in thismoment.
And that starts with me, right?
To see myself and to see howmuch I'm suppressing and
repressing and avoiding andtrying to not have to be in
touch with, but I'm safe to beseen.
And I think so often we'retrying to escape what we're
feeling, what we're goingthrough.
We just want to distance fromit.
We don't want to deal with it.
We don't, it's just so much,right?
(17:57):
But until we start to coachourselves into it's safe to be
seen, we can't start cominghome.
And then we feel aloneeverywhere.
Uh-uh.
Yeah.
So how does that phrase land inyour bodies, right?
And what would you add to it?
Or what would would you maybeeven add a whole nother phrase
altogether?
SPEAKER_00 (18:17):
I would say that the theme that I noticed the most
too is that when you start tolook at the husband from outside
and say, okay, there's a lot ofways where we weren't aligned,
this wasn't aligned, you're alsogoing to take a really hard look
at your friends.
And you're going to say, arethese people also avoidant,
(18:37):
anxious?
What sort of attachment style?
Because when you're in thatspace to attract an anxious or
avoidant man, you're in the samespace to attract those same type
of friends.
Hot down.
Right?
So for me, it's like, are yousafe to be seen with your
current circle?
And a lot of people are gonnasay no.
And if you don't feel likeyou're safe to be seen in your
(18:58):
current circle, honey, you gotthe wrong circle.
SPEAKER_03 (19:02):
But how can you attract a new circle until you
step into authenticity, right?
Because you can't transform whatyou can't own.
So it's like such a balled-upprocess of yeah, you have to
become safe to be seen inside ofyou first, and then over time,
yes, your entire circle isprobably not your entire circle,
but let's say I would guessprobably 60 to 75 percent of a
woman's circle transforms whenshe divorces.
(19:25):
Yeah, I would agree with that.
It's not all or nothing, butit's right.
SPEAKER_04 (19:30):
No, it's like and like and maybe not just if she
divorces, but like if she goesthrough the work to heal.
If she transforms, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Right, because you startthreatening their sense of was
true, right?
When you can hold a line, whenyou can be integrated in
yourself and not take on theiremotional manipulations and like
(19:54):
and it of course no but ifthey're your friends, they're
your friends for a reason, likeI'm sure there's some deep love
there, but when you start yourglow up and your secure
attachment journey and startnoticing actually that's not
that's not mine to carry, that'snot my burden, like I'm not
responsible for your emotions,I'm not responsible and you
(20:16):
start having theseconversations, it threatens.
Some people can't they justcan't.
Like I've lost friends when Ilost people that I thought were
my ride or dies forever becausethey couldn't, for one reason or
another, they couldn't handle mestepping into being authentic
(20:37):
for myself.
SPEAKER_00 (20:38):
I feel like that's the theme in our program right
now, is a lot of the women aresaying how triggered they are by
their friends' reactions aroundtheir divorce.
SPEAKER_03 (20:46):
Oh, that has been a huge conversation, hasn't it?
SPEAKER_00 (20:49):
Or like I would never do that.
How are you doing that?
You should be doing this, andit's like everybody wants to
have an opinion about whatyou're doing, which is very
triggering to somebody who'strying to navigate just daily
life.
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (21:01):
It's so much easier to have an opinion about you
than it is to own my own shit,right?
And I think that's how so muchof our society operates.
SPEAKER_04 (21:09):
And for me, I was very I was I protected him.
Like I would nobody knew.
Nobody knew my marriage, nobodyknew my truth, right?
And so nobody knew anything.
And when everything kind of cameout, it was very, or like when
(21:30):
we separated and everything,like it was so like, but he's
such a good man.
Or, you know, like it was sobecause the facade, right?
Yeah, it was so jarring, it wasso hard for people to kind of
come to grips with, and like,what did you do?
And I still have family inquotes to this day who struggle
(21:51):
with the reality of he isn'tmade he wasn't at the top of the
podium, right?
Like, and it's easier to blameand to um shift and to focus on
every on something that'sactually not the problem, right?
SPEAKER_03 (22:13):
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Well, yeah, and I think in thecontext of this conversation
about the holidays, like howmany of us before divorce used
the holidays as texture to thecon, right?
Like if we were all running acon within our within ourselves
or within our communities orwithin our families or within
our own marriage, right?
If there was so much shit weweren't looking at, or we were
trying to look at it maybe, butlike it wasn't moving, whatever,
(22:35):
right?
Right.
And then here come the holidaysand it's texture to the con,
like the family photos, thematching fiction, matching
pajamas, yes, yes, yes.
SPEAKER_00 (22:45):
That is the time of year where you were at holidays.
Biggest stage.
SPEAKER_04 (22:48):
Yep.
And you go to the events.
SPEAKER_03 (22:52):
Yeah.
And so now here we are at theholidays, and it's like, oh, the
con is over.
It didn't work.
And now, yeah, these things thatused to distract me from my pain
or help me cover or hide from itor whatever, right?
It's just become such adouble-edged sword.
Yeah.
So let's talk about all right,you're in the holiday party,
(23:14):
you're with the people, I don'tknow, you're trying to pull it
together this year, right?
You're trying to juggle all thethings, and you're panicking,
right?
And and you've coached yourself,like it's safe to be seen, and
I'm in the process, and I'mgonna feel my feelings and all
the things.
But like, all right, you're atthe party and you're coming
unglued.
What do you do now?
So here's my suggestion.
Feel free to add to it, right?
But let's make a bathroom runpact, right?
(23:37):
Yeah.
That it is a good and healthyidea to run to the bathroom in
any particular context, right?
Run cold water on those wrists,start humming, and do some
squats.
And I really mean all three ofthose things, right?
Like squats, humming, and coldwater, they're very much somatic
tools to help really get back inyour body, help move the energy
through, through, through,through, through.
(23:59):
The squats help access thesuppressed rage and anger,
right?
Because anytime women pushthrough their hips, like the
deeper you can go, the better.
It's a power move.
It helps release anger.
The humming helps cue to thenervous system that you're safe
to feel the feelings that arecoming up.
Because we don't regulate thenervous system to distance from
pain.
(24:19):
We use nervous system tools tore-coach ourselves that it is
safe to feel.
So humming cues that nervoussystem that it's safe to feel
what's coming up.
And then that water on the wristjust helps bring some water to
the literal fire, right?
Like grounding in the moment,maybe a little bit of a
distraction, even.
What would y'all add to that?
Like your your ideal bathroombreak, like if you are going to
(24:43):
recover yourself in thebathroom.
SPEAKER_00 (24:46):
I mean, bring a sewing kit for me because if I'm
wearing leggings and I'msquatting, we might have a
problem.
SPEAKER_02 (24:50):
Um lol.
SPEAKER_03 (24:52):
You know what my you know what my daughter does in a
bathroom is she always smellsthe soap and like compares it.
But I bet that's a verygrounding thing for her when she
smells the soap to see whetheror not she likes it, right?
Yeah, breathing the smell of thesoap.
Interesting.
SPEAKER_00 (25:04):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (25:07):
That's hysterical.
SPEAKER_00 (25:08):
Yeah.
I think bathroom breaks aregood, right?
So be able to breathe, do somedeep breathing, and just really
get yourself focused.
That's the other thing aboutsquatting.
SPEAKER_03 (25:18):
It's hard to avoid a deep breath when you're doing
physical robust work.
SPEAKER_04 (25:22):
I think the only thing I would change or add is I
would open the window justbecause for me, fresh air is
that's a rubric in homeopathy.
It's pivotal for me.
Like I if you can't go outsideand take your shoes off, right?
Just fresh air is very groundingto me.
But also now the someone on theoutside of the door is gonna
(25:43):
hear the open, the window open,you're running water and
humming.
So that's actually a reallyfunny.
SPEAKER_01 (25:50):
I am safe to be seen.
I am safe to be seen.
I am safe to be seen.
SPEAKER_03 (25:55):
My kid came home.
My kid came home yesterday, anduh, there were physical signs
that she was stressed.
And I was like, What were you sostressed about today?
She's like, I knew you weregonna ask.
I'm trying to remember.
And then she came back and she'slike, I farted in chapel, and
everybody heard it.
SPEAKER_02 (26:11):
She's like, nobody said anything, but everybody
heard it, and I did get sostressed out.
SPEAKER_03 (26:15):
But right, it starts from such a young age, like
feeling vulnerable, like youknow, being human.
unknown (26:21):
Right.
SPEAKER_03 (26:22):
Being human, everybody farming farts.
I also read this thing.
I think I reposted it to mystories.
If you are not on the IG, well,if you're on the IG, but you
don't follow, like, let's followeach other.
Um, but I read this thing abouthow we celebrate so much, like
marriage and like birth andwhatever, and we have all these
parties to announce likeengagement, marriage, gender,
(26:44):
whatever.
But then when we get divorced,there's no freaking parties to
like, you know, there's not thesame amount of community
support, right?
SPEAKER_04 (26:50):
So half the sex in the city.
Yeah, there's a sex in the cityepisode about how she throws
herself a I'm single party.
SPEAKER_03 (26:58):
Because she was so tired of bringing it up.
Right, because she was right.
SPEAKER_04 (27:01):
Because like there needs to be more I'm single
party.
I'm an amazing human being.
I'm a single party, right?
SPEAKER_03 (27:06):
Like yeah, half the planet gets or half the United
States, right, gets divorced.
And like, yeah, let's do better.
Celebrating being human, right?
It's safe to be seen whileyou're running the water and
squatting and sewing up yourpants.
SPEAKER_00 (27:19):
And people want to make it into something I feel
like that's so awkward stillthat they're not quite sure how
to.
And so I've been experiencingthis lately because I just
changed my last name back to mymaiden name after being divorced
for like 14 years.
And so people are likecongratulating me because I
don't know what they thought.
And they're like, Oh, iscongratulations in order?
(27:39):
Like, did you get married?
And I go, No, actually, it'sfrom my divorce.
And they're like, Oh, and I'mlike, No, you can congratulate
me too.
Like, that's fine.
Like, I'll take that all day.
SPEAKER_03 (27:48):
Yeah, I'm coming home to myself, right?
I'm coming home to myself.
Yeah, freaking congratulate me.
I'll take it.
Yeah, love that.
Okay, so this is a season that'sincredibly painful.
We're not gonna sugarcoat that,right?
But and also, let's turn it intoa season of power because we are
talking about, we understandthat all of these rituals and
traditional traditions andfeeling like you don't belong,
(28:10):
these are all gonna be very realsensations.
Let's own them, let's run withit, right?
But also, let's own, let'scongratulate ourselves, let's
congratulate each other aroundthis is a powerful, powerful,
powerful season.
Let's ditch the performance,let's claim the authenticity,
let's come home to self andlet's own this thing, this idea
(28:33):
that everything is alwaysworking out for us.
That's the real freaking powermove during this season.
I am feeling this horrible,horrible, horrible pain, and yet
everything is always working outfor me.
And I think that while mostpeople will struggle to find the
truth in that sentence duringthis season, if you don't start
(28:56):
claiming it now, it's all toomuch, it's all too heavy, it's
all too hard, right?
So, this is my powerrecommendation and my personal
power move every time I'm goingthrough something painful.
When I'm not, every timesomething amazing happens, I'm
like, hot damn, everything'sworking out for me.
Everything's time every timesomething painful is happening,
I'm like, hot damn, everythingis always working out for me.
(29:19):
Because if we do not turn thispain into power and purpose, we
get stuck and we cannot see.
We cannot see the silver lining,we cannot as efficiently move
towards joy, hope, faith,growth, shedding, letting go.
Too many women struggle tobelieve that they can have what
they want, that they can bethemselves, that they can
(29:40):
manifest the shit out of theirlives, right?
And it starts with this powermove is claiming even when you
are in the bathroom having tosew up your pants, everything is
always working out for you.
I know y'all have watched me usethis phrase for years, and I
think you've also watched itwork.
SPEAKER_02 (29:55):
Yeah, yeah.
unknown (29:58):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (29:59):
What else would you add to that, you know, ways that
our listeners can turn thispainful holiday season into
power rather than performance?
SPEAKER_00 (30:07):
I would create new traditions.
Like for me, that was probablyone of the most exciting things.
And I know I've talked aboutthis before.
I might have written an emailabout it or whatever, but you
know, I left two days afterChristmas, and so that that
Christmas I spent on my friend'scouch.
Um, and we had my daughter and Ihad Christmas at her house.
(30:28):
But the first Christmas afterwas like a year after I left.
And I didn't have a lot ofmoney.
We were in Myrtle Beach, mydaughter was um three, and we
literally I call it a familydollar Christmas.
I went out and bought a$25Christmas tree.
SPEAKER_03 (30:43):
I love that.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (30:45):
You know, again, I had said this before, but like
I'm not making a ham dinner forher and I, right?
So I literally made hot dogs andshells and cheese, and then we
went to the movies and we kindof kept that tradition for quite
a long time.
Um obsessed.
It was authentic, it was soauthentic, and that's the thing
we're leaning into.
Yes.
And it was one of the bestChristmases, like, and looking
(31:06):
back at our traditions that I'veever had, and it's so funny now
that she's you know 20 and shelike recalls all this, and so
there's different things thatshe asks to still do.
We no longer have hot dogs andshells and cheese, but you know,
it's it's just decorate.
SPEAKER_01 (31:20):
That could be a dish, that could be a side dish.
Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00 (31:23):
And you know, like we love to decorate ornaments,
and sometimes we'll go to themovies, and just all these
little traditions that we'vepicked up over the years that
have made it very special for ushas been.
Been amazing.
SPEAKER_03 (31:35):
So, ladies, what you're hearing is that if you're
invited to a holiday party inTifferdoodle's honor, you could
bring shells and cheese withsome hot dogs sliced up and be
part of our seven.
SPEAKER_00 (31:50):
Yeah.
Or you don't have to fucking go.
And that's the beauty of it,right?
Yeah.
Like that perfectionist part ofyou or that image part of you
that's saying, Well, I have togo.
I have to save face.
Girl, she is overworked.
Give her a break.
Lay at home.
SPEAKER_01 (32:03):
That's it.
SPEAKER_00 (32:04):
Put on some slippers, make some shells and
cheese and hot cocoa, and justwatch home alone.
That is like my mantra.
SPEAKER_03 (32:10):
Unless you're a craft girl.
Unless you're a craft girl.
And then it can't be shells andcheese.
It has to be craft.
SPEAKER_00 (32:15):
Well, ew, uh.
Okay.
Whatever.
We can debate that on another.
That's fine.
SPEAKER_04 (32:22):
It's just such a pivotal shift.
When you go from needing to bechosen to choosing you.
Like you don't need a partner tofeel chosen.
You don't need that.
You get to choose you.
You get to step into yourauthentic self and create your
own self of traditions andchoices.
(32:45):
Yeah.
You're not going to be able todo that.
SPEAKER_03 (32:47):
And allow the people who want to choose you to choose
you.
Like we choose you, right?
Like if you, you know, you heardus at the top of the at the top
of the show saying we we'relaunching this new segment about
wins.
Like, like lean into us.
We choose you.
Send us your wins.
Send us your little happy, happyjoy joys.
Send us your tiny littlesomething that everybody else
would measure as bullshit, butwe would measure it as
(33:08):
everything because we know inthis season, right, that you
need to be celebrated for allthe little things.
Send it to us.
Let us choose you.
Receive that, right?
Learn how to choose you by goingtowards the people who are
claiming you as part of theirtribe in a way that is healthy
and whole and they're willing towitness your pain.
So much of why we divorceourselves from our own belonging
is because it's really hard forpeople to witness pain and not
(33:32):
try to fix it or push it down,right?
And so the more you move towardspeople who can just sit with you
and witness your pain and acceptyou in those painful moments
without trying to numb it orlaugh it off or push it away or
distance from it, they can holdspace for you.
That helps you learn how tochoose you, how to belong to
you.
And that's what we want to dowith you over here.
SPEAKER_00 (33:52):
I want to add one more thing.
Please.
Last thing is all of myholidays, because I had a lot of
them post-divorce alone beforeI'm in the relationship I am
now.
I had like 10 or 11 Christmasesthat were just either me or me
and my daughter.
And what I will tell you is thatthe holidays where I felt the
loneliest was when I was doingsomething I didn't want to do.
(34:15):
When I accepted an invitationsomewhere that I didn't really
want to go.
Yes.
SPEAKER_03 (34:21):
Yes.
When you didn't honor, youdidn't honor your intuition or
the voice or the whatever thething.
Hot damn.
Yeah.
Yeah.
All right, darlings.
If this episode softenssomething inside of you,
imagine, right?
If you just started to claimyour own power.
And this week, our Thursdaypremium episode is a guided
practice that you can use themoment your chest tightens in
(34:43):
the freaking grocery store.
Do you know how many of us havegrocery store aisle stories?
And how many of the women wework with have grocery store
aisle stories, right?
So during this holiday season,this week's Thursday episode is
going to be literally a guidedmeditation that you can put an
earbud in and you can use ifyou're at the party or you're at
the store, you're in the car,you're wherever you are, and you
are, you know, headed towardspanic.
(35:03):
It's a track to help guide youand hold you through that.
So that's Thursday's episode.
If you're not a premiumlistener, strongly recommend
because we are creating anentire community just around
premium listenership, right?
Access to products that nobodyelse gets access to, um, live
workshops with our team, all theaccess to all of the episodes
that we do here at Dare DivorceDiary.
(35:24):
And a lot of them are healingtracks, right?
It's not just us talking aboutthe things, it's actually
implementing the work.
So strongly recommend premiumlistenership and then send us
your wins.
Get in the habit of sending usyour wins.
Hello at mycoachdawn.com.
Send us an email, voice note,picture, sentences, whatever it
is, but just get in that habit.
It is going to change your life.
(35:45):
We love you so much.
Peace.com.
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