December 16, 2025 • 38 mins
The holidays can make everything feel heavier — especially when you’re freshly divorced or still deep in the weeds of it all.
In this episode of Dear Divorce Diary, we talk about three hidden patterns that often stall divorce healing and leave women feeling unsafe, unmoored, and scattered, even when the marriage is over and you’re trying to move forward.
This conversation is a teaser for Season 5 - can you believe it?!- where we’ll spend six weeks breaking these patterns down and showing you how to work with your nervous system instead of fighting it. We talk about why anxiety can increase after divorce, why many women feel foggy or shut down, and why “just pushing through” rarely helps during already overwhelming seasons like Hanukkah and the lead-up to Christmas.
If you’re listening while navigating the holidays and wondering why things still feel so hard, this episode will help you understand what’s actually happening.
And if this season already feels like too much, stay close. Our 12 Days of Divorce Christmas series starts next and is designed to support you through the moments that tend to hit the hardest.
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Instagram: (@dawnwiggins)
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On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com
A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_03 (02:14):
There are three things we see stop divorced
women dead in their tracks everysingle time.
A difficulty trusting,disassociation, and victim
energy.
Not trust like I don't trustmen, trust like I don't trust
myself to handle life.
And not victimhood likeweakness, but the quiet,
(02:38):
exhausted nervous systemcollapse that makes your body
say, I can't do this.
What looks like self-pity isactually life force depletion so
deep your mind creates a storyto survive it.
What looks like stuckness isreally a blocked energetic
current you've never been taughtto work with.
(03:01):
And today we are naming thething under the thing so you can
rise.
Hi, love.
Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary,the podcast helping divorcees go
beyond talk therapy to processyour grief, find the healing you
(03:21):
crave, and build back yourconfidence.
I'm your host, Don Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer, and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
(03:43):
In today's episode, we are goingto unpack three of the deepest
challenges we see women face.
And this is really just a teaserfor what we're gonna really deep
dive after the first of theyear.
We are going to do a six-weekseries on these three things.
So you can expect way, way, waymore content from us around
these issues because these arethe things that we see being the
(04:05):
core issues that have to betreated during a divorce phase
of your life.
Otherwise, you are go you aredestined to repeat the same
relationship mistakes in futurepartners with your children and
future generations.
So the first thing you don'thave a trust problem, you have a
dysregulation problem that endsup looking like a trust problem.
(04:27):
Because trust is more than abelief.
It's actually a regulated state.
A dysregulated nervous systemcannot trust.
Not itself, not God, not theuniverse, not its future, not
the process of healing.
Because when you're stuck infight or flight, trust feels
unsafe.
When you're in freeze, trustfeels impossible.
When you're depleted, trustfeels delusional.
So your body is trying toprotect you.
(04:50):
And we have to help you improveyour capacity so that you can
trust.
The second thing we're gonnaunpack for you is that victim
energy, that tendency towardsself-pity, that I can't, this
isn't fair, it's too hard.
He should, I should, they shouldhave, should have, should have,
should have.
It's not an attitude problem.
It really looks like that.
(05:10):
It takes on the story of that,but it's really a nervous system
collapse.
Victimhood is what happens whenyour capacity drops below your
emotional load.
And the third thing we're gonnatalk about that doesn't get a
lot of traction on the podcast,which is a problem because it's
one of the key things you'restruggling with, which is
(05:30):
disassociation.
And disassociation is yourbody's last ditch attempt to
save you from the pain you'reexperiencing and from the
collapse you're working through.
It's not a personality tree,it's what happens when your
system lacks the capacity tostay present.
Disassociation is depletedenergy, an overwhelmed system.
And high-functioningdisassociation looks like I'm
(05:53):
pretending I'm fine.
And so there's this urge todistance yourself or remove
yourself from feeling certainthings.
And so when we adddisassociation, collapse, you
know, it ends up looking like Ihave trust issues and this isn't
fair.
But there is so much going onbeneath the surface that has to
be recalibrated and repaired inorder to get you into really
(06:18):
even a healing phase.
So help me welcome Tiffer Doodleand producer joy so that we can
talk about all of these thingsthat we're gonna invite you to
do alongside or with us.
Good morning, ladies.
Good morning.
How excited are you to talkabout these things, right?
I feel like we've talked aboutso many of these issues from the
(06:40):
surface, but now we are likedigging under.
And it's, I don't know.
I think these are the thingswe're so freaking passionate
about over here.
SPEAKER_00 (06:48):
I was the dissociation queen, so I get
very fired up about it.
SPEAKER_02 (06:52):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (06:53):
That was my whole personality.
SPEAKER_02 (06:56):
You were the victim queen.
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (06:58):
And so we represent all three of the things here,
right?
Awesome, awesome.
Right.
We it's a case of if you canspot it in other people, you've
got it, right?
We we could teach it because welived it and we walked out of it
and we're doing it differently.
Yeah.
So the girls, I invented that.
I invented that.
That's right, that's right.
You're not gonna sneak it pastme.
(07:18):
Yeah.
So the first thing we're gonnatalk about is trust as a
regulation issue, right?
That that in order to be able totrust, you have to be able to
have a felt sense of safety.
Um, this idea that our bodyisn't refusing to trust, it's
really trying to protect us fromfurther pain.
And so let's dig into the ideaof trust is not just a belief,
(07:44):
right?
Because I think we talk a lotabout, and I think that the
internet and spiritual gurustalk a lot about you have to
take a leap of faith.
The law of attraction is like,you know, you can't um you can't
manifest something if you're nota vibrational match.
And so then we try to bypass thepain what we're in to like tip
up on the vibrational scale toact as though we're happy,
(08:05):
joyous, and free when we're not,because we don't feel safe.
We use all these tools to bypassthe pain that we're in without
actually transmuting it or umshifting it, unburdening
ourselves from it, and then ourmanifestation isn't working, and
we keep getting the same resultsover and over again.
So let's talk about how, youknow, when we see women really
(08:28):
struggle to trust themselves, ahealing process, um, that
they're getting better, right?
They don't know.
Am I getting better?
Am I making the same like isthis anxiety?
Is it intuition?
I don't freaking know that thattrust is really a lack of
capacity, right?
It's it's a lack of a supportsystem, it's a lack of a
regulated state, it's a lack ofa felt sense of safety in my
(08:50):
body.
And so then I do fight, flight,freeze, fawn.
Like I shut down, I internalize,I put up walls, I do all these
things.
Talk about what you've seen inyourselves, in the women we work
with, where trust is reallyactually a capacity issue.
It's an energy block, it's adepletion, it's a collapse of
the nerve system.
SPEAKER_00 (09:09):
From an IFS perspective, there's so many
parts that come forward that arepreventing you from being
vulnerable to be able to eventrust to say things out loud to
other people.
You know, we deal with a lot ofwomen who have image managers,
you know, they always made theirmarriage look perfect.
They were the Instagram family.
To be able to tell somebody,like, I'm struggling, and he did
this or I did this, you know,those parts are gonna keep you
(09:32):
locked up tight.
You know, there's perfectionistparts, there's people pleaser
parts.
So all of these managers comeforward where it's so impossible
to be vulnerable with otherpeople.
For me, it was the imagemanager.
And I've said this before, likenobody knew my marriage was
falling apart except my mom andmy best friend.
That was it.
So when I left the marriage,everyone was completely shocked.
(09:53):
I felt like a fraud.
Um, I felt like other peoplewere gonna see me as a fraud.
And so then I had to go frombasically acting like I was okay
because I chose this, like Ichose my divorce.
So I had to act like everythingwas okay and that this was what
I wanted.
And it felt a lot of times likeI wasn't allowed to have a bad
day or tell people that I wasstruggling.
So for me, I've struggled withvulnerability almost my entire
(10:14):
life.
Like I never wanted people tosee what was under the surface.
Like I would tell them reallyserious shit about what was
going on with me, but it was ascript, it was very
performative, but it was likethe thing under the thing to
actually reach out to somebodyand say, I'm really struggling.
Yeah.
Like that never happened withme.
I never felt safe enough in thecircles I ran with to be myself.
(10:40):
And that was a really deepwake-up call for me when I
literally felt like I had no oneon the friend scene that I could
literally say, My marriage isfalling apart, and I have no
idea how to help it.
SPEAKER_03 (10:53):
I would guess that most the three of us and our
listeners, right?
I would guess most women we knowhave never really had trust in
the way we conceptualize ittoday, right?
They've never been able to trustthemselves or their creator or
people or to let their guarddown.
(11:14):
Like because trust comes fromself-energy, from a um flexible
nervous system, from a feltsense of safety.
I would guess most of us whocome from dissociative
backgrounds who have had somelevel of complex trauma really
(11:35):
don't know what it feels like totrust or to know what is
trustworthy or how to discernwhat is worth your trust.
SPEAKER_01 (11:46):
I think that speaks to the the victim a little bit
because I'm pretty vocal abouthow I believe women are
conditioned and like groomed, Iguess would be a little hot
topic word, but like in order toyou know behave a certain way,
(12:07):
XYZ, and like through Disneyprincesses being the rescued the
white with the white knight, orin the religious space of you
know, keep your head down andyour mouth shut and you will
have a loving husband who da dada right, right, right.
And so like I I think thatwomen, a lot of women, I'm not
saying every woman, but I a lotof women are told if you do
(12:30):
this, this, and this, you willreceive the white picket fence,
the Instagram house, and the dada da.
And that's not it's not true.
It's not true, a fantasy, right?
Like it's a Disney storylinethat has been sold to us since
babies.
And so it, but I did I did whatI was supposed to do.
Like I was a good wife, I didthe cooking and I raised the
(12:51):
children, and I I was the RebaMcIntyre son, you know, like um,
I I don't I don't think thatthat is fair, and so then you it
goes into the but I did I'm thevictim here.
I didn't like Tiffany, youchose, like I didn't choose
mine, and so I was XYZ and hestill left, you know, like he
(13:14):
still wasn't cap capablecapacity-wise to love me well or
whatever the bullshit PrinceCharming, you know.
So I think that there's a victimthat intersects with the
dissociation because it'searned.
(13:36):
Like I was a good girl, I shouldhave gotten what I was promised,
you know.
SPEAKER_03 (13:41):
I think you're like all three of these things
absolutely intersect with eachother, right?
We've dissociated from ourchildhood pain, we've not dealt
with it, and so there is adepletion of vital force there
because we can seedisassociation on an MRI scan of
the brain.
We can see that the brain startsto literally compartmentalize
things, which causes a depletionin our vital force, right?
(14:04):
There is a literal energeticblock because we blocked off
areas of pain, right?
There's a burden that is stillbeing carried at the
neurobiological level.
We are carrying the burdens ofour childhood pain that never
got reconciled, never gotsorted, never got unburdened,
never got transmuted, howeveryou want to call it, right?
So we go into adulthood andmarriage carrying certain
(14:25):
burdens.
We pick partners that are nottrustworthy because we cannot
trust ourselves because we arecarrying these burdens and we
have cordoned off walls in ourright, we've blocked our
intuition.
Once we've blocked off ourcapacity to feel, we've blocked
off our intuition.
We pick partners where we repeatthose same subconsciously
childhood patterns.
(14:46):
Now we've added to the burdens.
Now we've added to the sensethat we can't trust to be in our
own bodies, to feel our ownfeelings, to be human.
We have to be like Tesla robotsto an extent, right?
We have to hustle and grind.
We have to um, you know, we'veresponded to all the
gaslighting, all of the, youknow, nope, we just have to push
(15:07):
through, we just have to do itall, we just have to compensate
for the people around us who,you know, don't really see us or
value us.
And so now we've disassociationbecomes a way of life, and most
people do not realize it.
And I wonder if that's why thattopic doesn't tend to get a lot
of traction on the podcast, butwe're here to change that,
(15:27):
right?
Not being able to trust justbecomes a background program
that is running all the time andwe don't realize it.
Not being able to trust ourbodies.
I think we've been absolutelygroomed by so many people to not
be able to trust our bodies,right?
Like we shouldn't have wrinkles,we shouldn't have symptoms, we
should like all the things thatour bodies were designed to do,
(15:48):
there's a pill out there to likemake it go away when actually
like this is how we to be inrelationship with our bodies.
So disassociation, not trustingour own bodies, not trusting our
own emotions, not trusting ourown intuition, completely
divorced from self before weever got divorced.
And now here we're like all theway downstream getting divorced,
(16:09):
you know, whether you're Tiffanyand I, and we to a certain
extent chose to get divorced orJoy, and you didn't choose to
have your whole shit break downand be quote unquote left,
right?
And now, yeah, we feel likevictims because now we're all
the way downstream.
But what's actually happened isthere are so many energy blocks.
Our nervous system is literallyso fried, our adrenals are
(16:32):
depleted, there are nostorehouses in our hormonal
channels, right?
Our HPA access is fried, we'redissociated, we can't trust
ourselves, we're literallyexhausted, depleted, collapsed.
And it ends up coming out likethis isn't fair.
(16:54):
I can't.
And it ends up coming out like Ican't trust.
I don't know who to follow atthis point.
There is so much noise on theinternet, so much noise in the
healing world.
I don't know if this thing that,you know, they talk about on
Deer Divorce Diary is total,utter woo-woo bullshit, or if
it's actually the path.
(17:16):
Right.
And all three of these issuesjust reinforce each other and
keep women lost and stuck.
SPEAKER_01 (17:23):
I love the line that says, like, victimhood is what
happens when your capacity dropsbelow your emotional load.
SPEAKER_03 (17:31):
Well, and knowing that and understanding that has
changed how I see the world.
It's changed how I see myself.
This is a really importantpiece.
It's changed how I see myself,it's changed how I see the two
of you, it's changed how I seeour husbands, our families, our
children, the world around us,our listeners, the women in our
program.
Because when we see behaviorpatterns that are like so
frustrating, whether it's insideof me or inside of you, I now
(17:55):
understand that that behaviorpattern is actually blocked
energy.
And once you can identify wherethe block is or where the energy
leak is, and you plug that leakor you help that person unburden
that part, all of a suddenthere's a capacity rise and a
shift, right?
So we're gonna talk about thisin our Thursday episode.
We're actually gonna do an IFSEFT series that helps you
(18:19):
unburden, helps you experiencean immediate unburdening so your
capacity can increase.
But what's so powerful aboutthis, and this would be I don't
know if we've talked about thison the podcast before, ladies.
But when you can just see thesepatterns inside ourselves or
inside others as just capacitylimitations, there's so much
less shame, right?
(18:41):
I don't get so mad at myselfanymore.
I don't get so frustrated withpeople anymore because I
understand there is somethingsubconscious that is blocking
your literal energy or capacity.
And once that thing getsshifted, unblocked, unburdened,
you all of a sudden have literalmore energy to come to the table
(19:01):
to do the thing that needs to bedone.
Shift the pattern, show up, dothe dishes, whatever it is,
right?
Like it's yeah.
And so I think that where I usedto maybe beat the crap out of
myself or get really frustratedor judgmental of other people,
I'm like, oh, it's literally anenergy block.
SPEAKER_00 (19:22):
I usually in session for people that are having a
hard time with it, there'susually a part that is so
overwhelming, and it's likedissociation kind of takes on a
manager state.
And I know what that was like.
I mean, I walked around foryears in a fog, years in a fog,
and just felt like that wasnormal.
Like that was just part of meand my life.
(19:44):
Um, I didn't ever really have avictim mindset, I wouldn't say.
Like some stuff I'm like, well,this is just how I am, like, I'm
never gonna change.
This is the cards I've beendealt, da-da-da.
Like I would cover up with likesome of that bullshit, right?
Like, this is never gonna getany better.
But I think what shifted for mewas again, you know, being able
to feel seen by somebody elsethat I felt like there was just
(20:09):
like this energetic connectionthat I had with Dawn in the
beginning of my healing journey,that like she was the person
that was gonna walk me out tothe other side.
And I had never connected withanybody like that, any other
professionals or therapists thatI had worked with.
So I think a lot of times too,when these women are coming in,
it's like something that we'resaying or something that they're
relating to, or whateverconnection you're feeling, like
(20:31):
those were the things that Iwould trust.
When I feel like somebody wasliterally put in my life for a
reason to carry me out throughto the other side, even if I
couldn't trust myself in thismoment, I knew I gotta go with
this person.
Like there's something that'smaking it shift for me.
SPEAKER_03 (20:47):
Yeah, because there's an unburdening in that
moment, right?
And anytime you put down aburden, the load gets lighter,
your capacity increases.
SPEAKER_00 (20:55):
Yeah.
And I feel like every singlewoman that's in our programs,
like they say, we feel like wefound you guys by divine
intervention.
That's exactly what it is, youknow?
That's exactly what it is.
SPEAKER_01 (21:07):
I'm really excited to dive deeper into this in our
January kickoff for our seasonfive.
SPEAKER_03 (21:16):
Season five.
Yeah, I think if it's crazy, Iknow.
I think if women understood theinner workings of these things,
right?
Because to understand something,then you can spot it and then
and then that reduces theburden, right?
Because uncertainty typicallycreates dysregulation, right?
(21:39):
Like if you pull a hundredhumans and ask them like what
the hardest state is to be in,is like uncertainty, limbo.
You know what I mean?
Like, I think that there's thispiece when women are still in
litigation, still in the legalpiece of divorce until it's
done, there's this limbo state,there's this uncertainty that
creates this constant chronichum of dysregulation, right?
(22:00):
And so when you have informationthat provides clarity, reduces
uncertainty, clears fog, andthen you're like, oh, I feel
named, I feel seen, I feelheard, and then that's An
unburdening right there, right?
So, like, yeah, I'm with you,Joy.
Like, to teach our listeners,like, this is the thing under
the thing.
It's capacity.
(22:21):
We hear that.
SPEAKER_01 (22:22):
Yeah.
We yeah, we hear that so much.
Like, if I just know, if I justknow what I need to deal with,
if I just know what the futurelooks like, I can handle it.
But it's like that ambiguitythat your your body goes on fire
for.
SPEAKER_03 (22:39):
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's this Instagram channel Ilove following Raquel the
Capacity Expert.
She's a therapist and she talksabout all of this a lot.
She talks a lot about victimmindset as a capacity issue.
But yeah, we're gonna dig deepat the top of the year around
the tools we use to unburden, toimprove capacity.
(23:01):
Let's talk a little bit aboutwhat we're seeing the women in
our group do, right?
How group healing is such acapacity increase because
community is how we unburdenoften, right?
We cannot unburden in a vacuum.
It's it's impossible.
You could do certain amount ofunvacuing, I mean, unvacuating,
you could do a certain amount ofunburdening on your own, right?
(23:22):
Like certainly we we want toteach you how to fish, we want
to teach you how to unburden,but we at first learn how to
accept ourselves by beingaccepted by others, right?
Like at first, that's whathappened between you and I,
Tiffany, right?
Is like you felt some sense ofsafety or acceptance, or you
(23:43):
know, saw a path to unburdeningin our early work together, and
then that became the safe placefor you to do more unburdening.
But it's it's which really truethat we at first feel accepted
by somebody else, and then itfeels safe to accept ourselves,
and that is the path tounburdening.
SPEAKER_00 (24:01):
Yeah, and to see these women go deeper and
deeper, like in the groupthreads, like as we pick up,
right?
Sharing very vulnerable thingsthat are not just surface level
things, that's what I getexcited about.
I think, and I love hearing insession, like my favorite thing
that a client say to me is,okay, I'm just gonna say it
because I'm like, thank God.
Like please just say it.
You know, like I'm never gonnajudge you.
(24:22):
Like this is the safest spaceever.
And if I feel like they'reholding back in some way, that's
when I provide witness and say,look, like I understand what
you're going through because ofXYZ.
And then they're like, Pooh,okay.
And then it's like a freakingfloodgate that it just all comes
out, you know.
But there are so many, like, Ilove seeing in the thread too
where they say, like, I knew Icould share this here because
(24:43):
they feel seen, they feel likeall of these women are walking
with them and going through thesame things, and so it's so cool
to see them as a group be ableto show up on really good days
and also to show up in hardmoments and kind of see how
they're they're able to providewitness to each other and hold
space, and you know, it's just areally beautiful experience.
SPEAKER_01 (25:03):
Yep.
I literally was just thinkingit's so beautiful.
SPEAKER_00 (25:07):
Like I was so lonely in my divorce, and what I
realized was at first you thinkyou're lonely for sex and you're
lonely for dating, so then youtry that stuff, and then you
realize, well, shit, I'mlonelier the morning after.
You know what I mean?
Like they leave, and then here Iam again.
And I think what I wish I wouldhave spent more time doing was
realizing that be the reason formy loneliness was because I was
(25:29):
lonely for myself andunderstanding by other people.
Like if I would have had acontainer to heal in, I would
have been able to do it so muchfaster than 10 years.
Like we would havefast-forwarded that quite a bit.
We practice all the ways not todo it so that we can teach you.
Yes, we know what not to do.
Absolutely, we do.
SPEAKER_03 (25:51):
Yeah.
Talk a little bit abouthomeopathy as a solution for
depleted life force or like, youknow, vital force, like literal
strength, energy, capacity.
Like, I wish there was a way forpeople to experience what it's
like to have such an immediatelife force increase.
SPEAKER_00 (26:13):
Please like DM us, please email us because we will
be so happy to share not onlyour personal experiences, but
our family's personalexperiences that we have got
from homeopathy.
Guys, when I came into this, youknow, Dawn was like spearheading
homeopathy, and and I was justkind of sitting on the sidelines
because I didn't reallyunderstand it.
And I was like, okay, likeessential oils, you know, like
(26:34):
okay, like what are we, youknow, and then like she started
giving them to me.
And I just was like, whoa, likejust the amount of shifting that
I've done, and especially assomebody who has been highly
dissociative and felt like itwas normal to always lose my
train of thought, to walk aroundin a fog, to always feel
anxiety.
Like anxiety was just part ofwho I was.
SPEAKER_02 (26:55):
Life.
SPEAKER_00 (26:56):
I never knew what it was like to wake up in the
morning and not feel anxious.
And since I've been on tightnessin your chair.
Oh, yeah.
Or like a you know, pit in mystomach.
Like that was usually me.
It was like, you know, I had tolike wrap my brain around, okay,
what fresh hell awaits today, orlike, you know, what am I doing?
SPEAKER_03 (27:12):
All of that stuff is a is a depletion of life force,
right?
SPEAKER_00 (27:15):
It's like systems running in the background,
eating through your energy.
Yeah.
But it's it's wild what it'sbeen able to shift and do.
And I will scream it from therooftops now.
And and I I feel like I don'teven have to because people
around me notice such adifference and they're asking
me, What are you doing?
What did you do?
And then I show them thepharmacy that's in my bathroom
and they're like, Oh, okay.
Um homeopathic.
(27:36):
Yeah, homeopathic pharmacy.
Yeah.
But you know, um, it it'ssomething that, and like I said,
I was somebody that I was onSelexa for 10 years of my life.
You know, I was on theantidepressants and and that
sort of thing.
And and that didn't really liftthe fog.
It made me productive enough toget through the day, but I still
(27:56):
didn't feel anything.
Like the fact that I can cry nowwhen I want to cry is huge, you
know, that I want to rage outwhen I feel like I'm angry, like
I can actually show normalemotions and not feel like I'm
it's from a place of being outof control.
Like it's just me.
It's just me in here.
SPEAKER_01 (28:17):
I think my favorite, my favorite thing in the entire
world is to look back to like inretrospect and see how far I've
come, my family's come, mydaughter's come, you know, all
those things.
Your capacity, right?
SPEAKER_03 (28:37):
One of my favorite things because like not only was
it like the stuff we talk abouthere in terms of like anxiety,
depression, attachment,whatever, right?
But like ADD, right?
ADD capacity that was such alimiting factor for you.
That still is in certain ways,in the sense that we had pumpkin
(28:58):
pie without sugar, which is myfavorite new thing.
I ate all the no sugar pumpkinpie, and I would now like
sugar-free pumpkin pie.
I don't mean sugar-free as insugar substitute.
I mean producer Joy forgot toput the sugar in the pumpkin
pie, and it was the best thingever.
SPEAKER_01 (29:12):
Hashtag ADD.
I squirrel, forgot to put thesugar in, and it wound up being
a beautiful disaster.
SPEAKER_03 (29:20):
And that still happens from time to time, but
it tends to be like in all thevery best ways.
But like your ability to handletasks is like it's a hundred
times what it ever was.
SPEAKER_01 (29:30):
It's like so cool.
Tasks, but also my children,because I had three, you know,
three at once.
You're outnumbered.
And so like being able tohandle, being able to cope with
the overstimulation, being ableto have an intelligent, even
(29:51):
emotionally balancedconversation that's sh that
traditionally I would have likeslammed doors and thrown things.
And like, you know, my husbandand I got really into it this
weekend and like he startedwashing dishes to somatically
process what was happening.
He's like, I'm working nowsomatically, you know, just like
just being able right to be ableto being able to be able to
(30:17):
function in a way I've neverbeen able to function before
ever is just incredible.
And to be able to look back andbe like, three years ago, five
years ago, like I wouldn't evenbeen able to be in this room
with these people that triggerme, much less like high five.
Oh, Thanksgiving.
Like I did something really,really dumb in front of people
(30:40):
that traditionally trigger theout of me, right?
And I did something really dumb.
And I like five years ago, threeyears ago, I would have
completely spiraled.
I would have had a panic attackbecause they're gonna think I'm
dumb and they're gonna think I'mda-da-da-da.
And I was just like, oh, thatwas dumb.
And then just moved on with myday because like I didn't I
(31:00):
didn't have that roof of what mybody can handle, what I can like
I'm so much more I didn'tcollapse at all.
I'm so much more rooted in who Iam and what I am, and like
capacity to love myself,capacity to understand that
people love to the to theircapacity, but like listen, I
(31:23):
will preach on this all daylong.
The difference that homeopathyhas made for myself and my
family.
SPEAKER_00 (31:32):
Yeah, and even from a psychiatric perspective, like
the diagnosis that my daughtergot pre-homopathy versus post
was like, oh, you know what Imean?
Because stuff that they say isrelatively untreatable, it's not
correct.
Correct, correctly.
And that's the thing.
And look, bring us yourdiagnosis, right?
Because that helps us from aremedy standpoint.
(31:54):
Like we want to know whatthey're saying you have.
And then we are going to workwith you to basically show you
that there is another way, andyou are not a diagnosis, and you
are there's an energy block,there's a capacity limitation.
SPEAKER_03 (32:05):
And when we remove that block, when we enhance your
capacity, we have so many toolsto do that.
So many tools.
Yeah.
Some of them energetic, some ofthem biochemical, some of them
movement somatic, right?
Some of them are rest and properhydration and nutrition.
And but it's all about gettingback to a sense of safety in the
body.
Go for it, Trey.
SPEAKER_01 (32:25):
Right.
No, yeah, but what you just saidlike made me think like my
capacity, it was so easier.
It's so much easier for me justto grab the leftovers of the
children's meals or the becausethat all my capacity had was to
just give the leftovers, right?
(32:45):
Like it was easier for me tojust grab the quickest thing or
the the the leftover, you know,bones of the pizza and just eat
the bread of the pizza withoutactual nervous phone.
Self-care requires energy.
Because self-care requiresenergy, because making choices
for yourself requires capacity.
And when you don't have it, youcan't.
(33:07):
It's not that you are choosingto be this overweight, or you're
choosing, like you literallycannot.
Cannot do it.
SPEAKER_03 (33:15):
Yes.
And that's why I think ourprocess over here is always
going to be superior to anythingelse we see, because it could
take someone years of trying toinstall the proper nutrition,
exercise, sleep to unwind theirnervous system where homeopathy
can do it in literal like amatter of weeks or months.
(33:37):
And then all of a sudden youhave this capacity increase so
that you can implement the toolsthat you learn, right?
And and then Bob's your uncle.
But I am a I think all of us areprime examples, but I think I'm
a prime example of somebody whohas been chronically ill and ate
right, slept right, likeprioritized all the right
things, and still had suchlimited capacity.
(33:58):
And and I think that that's whypeople land here when they've
tried all the things.
And um I don't know, the reallywise people get here before they
tried all the things.
SPEAKER_02 (34:10):
Yeah, don't, don't, don't try all the things.
Just just come.
Come.
unknown (34:16):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (34:16):
I mean, and there is, there's a clear difference,
and I say it all the time.
There is a very clear differencebetween the clients that we see
who don't use homeopathy versusthe ones that do.
There is a very clear, it's noteven, it's black and white, and
there is really no comparing thetwo to how quickly the people
that are using homeopathy startgetting through at the root of
it versus the people that arestill highly dissociative, still
(34:39):
just not willing to.
And I'm talking about physicalsymptoms in session to where
when we start discussing seriousthings, they are, you know,
physically shaken.
I can see their facialexpressions change.
Like, and believe me, like thereis no hiding from me because I'm
the disassociation queen.
I will be able to tell them tocheck out in a minute, you know.
So it's kind of and I'm gonnacall you out on it and say, You
(35:01):
look dissociative right now, youknow, like something switched in
your face.
SPEAKER_01 (35:05):
It's literally the the picture that came to mind
when Tiffany was talking waslike swimming through mud and
murk and swimming through aswimming pool.
Like it's fighting your waythrough the sludge or fighting
your way through clear water.
It's just like that clear, thatthat difference.
SPEAKER_03 (35:25):
Well, and I think what you're speaking to,
Tiffany, about being able tospot things, that's attunement,
right?
When we talk about what is asecure attachment style, it's
the capacity to give and receiveattunement, to give and receive
nuanced attunement, right?
And so, Tiffany, you give goodattunement and your current work
(35:45):
is receiving attunement, right?
Because when people can see you,that clearly it gets a little
dicey for a moment.
But that is secure attachment,is is that feedback loop of
attunement.
You're so good at it.
SPEAKER_00 (35:58):
Yeah, and that's what that was, but I wouldn't
have been without homeopathy.
Like my intuition has like I'vealways known I was different,
like I could sense people,right?
Like, um, and again, inhomeopathy, it's very
phosphoric.
Like, you know how people walkinto a room and they say, I can
feel the tension in the room.
Well, I can feel what someoneelse is feeling in their body.
(36:19):
It's a completely differentfeeling for me, right?
So, like being in session andbeing able to sense shifts in
people and be able to feel whatthey're feeling, like my
intuition has been off thecharts since homeopathy because
it's removing all of the thingsand protective parts that I had
around not wanting to feel thator have it being a trigger to me
or feeling, you know.
Anyway, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (36:41):
Okay, so this is where we're going to be in the
new year, teaching you all thethings about why you can't
trust, why you feel like avictim.
And I don't mean you hate thatI'm saying that.
You I know you hate that I'msaying you feel like a victim,
but it's like we do, we feellike I can't, poor me, this
isn't fair.
And why, if you don't get ahandle on disassociation, you
(37:04):
are destined to repeat all ofthese things, all of these
cycles in your intimaterelationships.
And I by intimate relationshipsI mean romantic, family,
friends, children forgenerations.
And yeah, and and on the backsof these issues are the sort of
(37:25):
pop culture phrases that we hearover and over again: nervous
system, regulation ordysregulation, codependency,
right?
Codependency is a function of aninability trusting chronic
disassociation.
Codependency is a symptom ofchronic disassociation.
It's all intertwined, right?
(37:45):
So if you've ever had questionsor wanted to understand all of
these things, like man, we arebringing it.
In our Thursday episode thisweek, we are gonna have a combo,
internal family systems, IFS orparts work session combined with
EFT, which is a tappingsequence, to help you unburden
something so you can have anincrease in your energy, an
(38:06):
increase in your capacity, soyou can shift something after
the tapping sequence you do inthe Thursday episode.
So if you're not a premiummember for$5 a month, you can
become a premium member where wedo the work that we talk about
on a Tuesday episode.
If you're not doing it, I reallydon't understand why.
And I'd love to for you toenroll me in your process about
why you're avoiding the Thursdaywork because it's where all the
(38:28):
magic happens.
And then coming up, we are goingto have the 12 days of divorce.
So we want you to obviously be apremium member for that as well.
We cannot wait to bring you thisdeep dive into these topics in
the first year of the year.
We love you so much and we wantyou to be well.
Peace.
There are three things we see stop divorced
women dead in their tracks everysingle time.
A difficulty trusting,disassociation, and victim
energy.
Not trust like I don't trustmen, trust like I don't trust
myself to handle life.
And not victimhood likeweakness, but the quiet,
(02:38):
exhausted nervous systemcollapse that makes your body
say, I can't do this.
What looks like self-pity isactually life force depletion so
deep your mind creates a storyto survive it.
What looks like stuckness isreally a blocked energetic
current you've never been taughtto work with.
(03:01):
And today we are naming thething under the thing so you can
rise.
Hi, love.
Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary,the podcast helping divorcees go
beyond talk therapy to processyour grief, find the healing you
(03:21):
crave, and build back yourconfidence.
I'm your host, Don Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer, and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.
(03:43):
In today's episode, we are goingto unpack three of the deepest
challenges we see women face.
And this is really just a teaserfor what we're gonna really deep
dive after the first of theyear.
We are going to do a six-weekseries on these three things.
So you can expect way, way, waymore content from us around
these issues because these arethe things that we see being the
(04:05):
core issues that have to betreated during a divorce phase
of your life.
Otherwise, you are go you aredestined to repeat the same
relationship mistakes in futurepartners with your children and
future generations.
So the first thing you don'thave a trust problem, you have a
dysregulation problem that endsup looking like a trust problem.
(04:27):
Because trust is more than abelief.
It's actually a regulated state.
A dysregulated nervous systemcannot trust.
Not itself, not God, not theuniverse, not its future, not
the process of healing.
Because when you're stuck infight or flight, trust feels
unsafe.
When you're in freeze, trustfeels impossible.
When you're depleted, trustfeels delusional.
So your body is trying toprotect you.
(04:50):
And we have to help you improveyour capacity so that you can
trust.
The second thing we're gonnaunpack for you is that victim
energy, that tendency towardsself-pity, that I can't, this
isn't fair, it's too hard.
He should, I should, they shouldhave, should have, should have,
should have.
It's not an attitude problem.
It really looks like that.
(05:10):
It takes on the story of that,but it's really a nervous system
collapse.
Victimhood is what happens whenyour capacity drops below your
emotional load.
And the third thing we're gonnatalk about that doesn't get a
lot of traction on the podcast,which is a problem because it's
one of the key things you'restruggling with, which is
(05:30):
disassociation.
And disassociation is yourbody's last ditch attempt to
save you from the pain you'reexperiencing and from the
collapse you're working through.
It's not a personality tree,it's what happens when your
system lacks the capacity tostay present.
Disassociation is depletedenergy, an overwhelmed system.
And high-functioningdisassociation looks like I'm
(05:53):
pretending I'm fine.
And so there's this urge todistance yourself or remove
yourself from feeling certainthings.
And so when we adddisassociation, collapse, you
know, it ends up looking like Ihave trust issues and this isn't
fair.
But there is so much going onbeneath the surface that has to
be recalibrated and repaired inorder to get you into really
(06:18):
even a healing phase.
So help me welcome Tiffer Doodleand producer joy so that we can
talk about all of these thingsthat we're gonna invite you to
do alongside or with us.
Good morning, ladies.
Good morning.
How excited are you to talkabout these things, right?
I feel like we've talked aboutso many of these issues from the
(06:40):
surface, but now we are likedigging under.
And it's, I don't know.
I think these are the thingswe're so freaking passionate
about over here.
SPEAKER_00 (06:48):
I was the dissociation queen, so I get
very fired up about it.
SPEAKER_02 (06:52):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (06:53):
That was my whole personality.
SPEAKER_02 (06:56):
You were the victim queen.
Okay.
SPEAKER_03 (06:58):
And so we represent all three of the things here,
right?
Awesome, awesome.
Right.
We it's a case of if you canspot it in other people, you've
got it, right?
We we could teach it because welived it and we walked out of it
and we're doing it differently.
Yeah.
So the girls, I invented that.
I invented that.
That's right, that's right.
You're not gonna sneak it pastme.
(07:18):
Yeah.
So the first thing we're gonnatalk about is trust as a
regulation issue, right?
That that in order to be able totrust, you have to be able to
have a felt sense of safety.
Um, this idea that our bodyisn't refusing to trust, it's
really trying to protect us fromfurther pain.
And so let's dig into the ideaof trust is not just a belief,
(07:44):
right?
Because I think we talk a lotabout, and I think that the
internet and spiritual gurustalk a lot about you have to
take a leap of faith.
The law of attraction is like,you know, you can't um you can't
manifest something if you're nota vibrational match.
And so then we try to bypass thepain what we're in to like tip
up on the vibrational scale toact as though we're happy,
(08:05):
joyous, and free when we're not,because we don't feel safe.
We use all these tools to bypassthe pain that we're in without
actually transmuting it or umshifting it, unburdening
ourselves from it, and then ourmanifestation isn't working, and
we keep getting the same resultsover and over again.
So let's talk about how, youknow, when we see women really
(08:28):
struggle to trust themselves, ahealing process, um, that
they're getting better, right?
They don't know.
Am I getting better?
Am I making the same like isthis anxiety?
Is it intuition?
I don't freaking know that thattrust is really a lack of
capacity, right?
It's it's a lack of a supportsystem, it's a lack of a
regulated state, it's a lack ofa felt sense of safety in my
(08:50):
body.
And so then I do fight, flight,freeze, fawn.
Like I shut down, I internalize,I put up walls, I do all these
things.
Talk about what you've seen inyourselves, in the women we work
with, where trust is reallyactually a capacity issue.
It's an energy block, it's adepletion, it's a collapse of
the nerve system.
SPEAKER_00 (09:09):
From an IFS perspective, there's so many
parts that come forward that arepreventing you from being
vulnerable to be able to eventrust to say things out loud to
other people.
You know, we deal with a lot ofwomen who have image managers,
you know, they always made theirmarriage look perfect.
They were the Instagram family.
To be able to tell somebody,like, I'm struggling, and he did
this or I did this, you know,those parts are gonna keep you
(09:32):
locked up tight.
You know, there's perfectionistparts, there's people pleaser
parts.
So all of these managers comeforward where it's so impossible
to be vulnerable with otherpeople.
For me, it was the imagemanager.
And I've said this before, likenobody knew my marriage was
falling apart except my mom andmy best friend.
That was it.
So when I left the marriage,everyone was completely shocked.
(09:53):
I felt like a fraud.
Um, I felt like other peoplewere gonna see me as a fraud.
And so then I had to go frombasically acting like I was okay
because I chose this, like Ichose my divorce.
So I had to act like everythingwas okay and that this was what
I wanted.
And it felt a lot of times likeI wasn't allowed to have a bad
day or tell people that I wasstruggling.
So for me, I've struggled withvulnerability almost my entire
(10:14):
life.
Like I never wanted people tosee what was under the surface.
Like I would tell them reallyserious shit about what was
going on with me, but it was ascript, it was very
performative, but it was likethe thing under the thing to
actually reach out to somebodyand say, I'm really struggling.
Yeah.
Like that never happened withme.
I never felt safe enough in thecircles I ran with to be myself.
(10:40):
And that was a really deepwake-up call for me when I
literally felt like I had no oneon the friend scene that I could
literally say, My marriage isfalling apart, and I have no
idea how to help it.
SPEAKER_03 (10:53):
I would guess that most the three of us and our
listeners, right?
I would guess most women we knowhave never really had trust in
the way we conceptualize ittoday, right?
They've never been able to trustthemselves or their creator or
people or to let their guarddown.
(11:14):
Like because trust comes fromself-energy, from a um flexible
nervous system, from a feltsense of safety.
I would guess most of us whocome from dissociative
backgrounds who have had somelevel of complex trauma really
(11:35):
don't know what it feels like totrust or to know what is
trustworthy or how to discernwhat is worth your trust.
SPEAKER_01 (11:46):
I think that speaks to the the victim a little bit
because I'm pretty vocal abouthow I believe women are
conditioned and like groomed, Iguess would be a little hot
topic word, but like in order toyou know behave a certain way,
(12:07):
XYZ, and like through Disneyprincesses being the rescued the
white with the white knight, orin the religious space of you
know, keep your head down andyour mouth shut and you will
have a loving husband who da dada right, right, right.
And so like I I think thatwomen, a lot of women, I'm not
saying every woman, but I a lotof women are told if you do
(12:30):
this, this, and this, you willreceive the white picket fence,
the Instagram house, and the dada da.
And that's not it's not true.
It's not true, a fantasy, right?
Like it's a Disney storylinethat has been sold to us since
babies.
And so it, but I did I did whatI was supposed to do.
Like I was a good wife, I didthe cooking and I raised the
(12:51):
children, and I I was the RebaMcIntyre son, you know, like um,
I I don't I don't think thatthat is fair, and so then you it
goes into the but I did I'm thevictim here.
I didn't like Tiffany, youchose, like I didn't choose
mine, and so I was XYZ and hestill left, you know, like he
(13:14):
still wasn't cap capablecapacity-wise to love me well or
whatever the bullshit PrinceCharming, you know.
So I think that there's a victimthat intersects with the
dissociation because it'searned.
(13:36):
Like I was a good girl, I shouldhave gotten what I was promised,
you know.
SPEAKER_03 (13:41):
I think you're like all three of these things
absolutely intersect with eachother, right?
We've dissociated from ourchildhood pain, we've not dealt
with it, and so there is adepletion of vital force there
because we can seedisassociation on an MRI scan of
the brain.
We can see that the brain startsto literally compartmentalize
things, which causes a depletionin our vital force, right?
(14:04):
There is a literal energeticblock because we blocked off
areas of pain, right?
There's a burden that is stillbeing carried at the
neurobiological level.
We are carrying the burdens ofour childhood pain that never
got reconciled, never gotsorted, never got unburdened,
never got transmuted, howeveryou want to call it, right?
So we go into adulthood andmarriage carrying certain
(14:25):
burdens.
We pick partners that are nottrustworthy because we cannot
trust ourselves because we arecarrying these burdens and we
have cordoned off walls in ourright, we've blocked our
intuition.
Once we've blocked off ourcapacity to feel, we've blocked
off our intuition.
We pick partners where we repeatthose same subconsciously
childhood patterns.
(14:46):
Now we've added to the burdens.
Now we've added to the sensethat we can't trust to be in our
own bodies, to feel our ownfeelings, to be human.
We have to be like Tesla robotsto an extent, right?
We have to hustle and grind.
We have to um, you know, we'veresponded to all the
gaslighting, all of the, youknow, nope, we just have to push
(15:07):
through, we just have to do itall, we just have to compensate
for the people around us who,you know, don't really see us or
value us.
And so now we've disassociationbecomes a way of life, and most
people do not realize it.
And I wonder if that's why thattopic doesn't tend to get a lot
of traction on the podcast, butwe're here to change that,
(15:27):
right?
Not being able to trust justbecomes a background program
that is running all the time andwe don't realize it.
Not being able to trust ourbodies.
I think we've been absolutelygroomed by so many people to not
be able to trust our bodies,right?
Like we shouldn't have wrinkles,we shouldn't have symptoms, we
should like all the things thatour bodies were designed to do,
(15:48):
there's a pill out there to likemake it go away when actually
like this is how we to be inrelationship with our bodies.
So disassociation, not trustingour own bodies, not trusting our
own emotions, not trusting ourown intuition, completely
divorced from self before weever got divorced.
And now here we're like all theway downstream getting divorced,
(16:09):
you know, whether you're Tiffanyand I, and we to a certain
extent chose to get divorced orJoy, and you didn't choose to
have your whole shit break downand be quote unquote left,
right?
And now, yeah, we feel likevictims because now we're all
the way downstream.
But what's actually happened isthere are so many energy blocks.
Our nervous system is literallyso fried, our adrenals are
(16:32):
depleted, there are nostorehouses in our hormonal
channels, right?
Our HPA access is fried, we'redissociated, we can't trust
ourselves, we're literallyexhausted, depleted, collapsed.
And it ends up coming out likethis isn't fair.
(16:54):
I can't.
And it ends up coming out like Ican't trust.
I don't know who to follow atthis point.
There is so much noise on theinternet, so much noise in the
healing world.
I don't know if this thing that,you know, they talk about on
Deer Divorce Diary is total,utter woo-woo bullshit, or if
it's actually the path.
(17:16):
Right.
And all three of these issuesjust reinforce each other and
keep women lost and stuck.
SPEAKER_01 (17:23):
I love the line that says, like, victimhood is what
happens when your capacity dropsbelow your emotional load.
SPEAKER_03 (17:31):
Well, and knowing that and understanding that has
changed how I see the world.
It's changed how I see myself.
This is a really importantpiece.
It's changed how I see myself,it's changed how I see the two
of you, it's changed how I seeour husbands, our families, our
children, the world around us,our listeners, the women in our
program.
Because when we see behaviorpatterns that are like so
frustrating, whether it's insideof me or inside of you, I now
(17:55):
understand that that behaviorpattern is actually blocked
energy.
And once you can identify wherethe block is or where the energy
leak is, and you plug that leakor you help that person unburden
that part, all of a suddenthere's a capacity rise and a
shift, right?
So we're gonna talk about thisin our Thursday episode.
We're actually gonna do an IFSEFT series that helps you
(18:19):
unburden, helps you experiencean immediate unburdening so your
capacity can increase.
But what's so powerful aboutthis, and this would be I don't
know if we've talked about thison the podcast before, ladies.
But when you can just see thesepatterns inside ourselves or
inside others as just capacitylimitations, there's so much
less shame, right?
(18:41):
I don't get so mad at myselfanymore.
I don't get so frustrated withpeople anymore because I
understand there is somethingsubconscious that is blocking
your literal energy or capacity.
And once that thing getsshifted, unblocked, unburdened,
you all of a sudden have literalmore energy to come to the table
(19:01):
to do the thing that needs to bedone.
Shift the pattern, show up, dothe dishes, whatever it is,
right?
Like it's yeah.
And so I think that where I usedto maybe beat the crap out of
myself or get really frustratedor judgmental of other people,
I'm like, oh, it's literally anenergy block.
SPEAKER_00 (19:22):
I usually in session for people that are having a
hard time with it, there'susually a part that is so
overwhelming, and it's likedissociation kind of takes on a
manager state.
And I know what that was like.
I mean, I walked around foryears in a fog, years in a fog,
and just felt like that wasnormal.
Like that was just part of meand my life.
(19:44):
Um, I didn't ever really have avictim mindset, I wouldn't say.
Like some stuff I'm like, well,this is just how I am, like, I'm
never gonna change.
This is the cards I've beendealt, da-da-da.
Like I would cover up with likesome of that bullshit, right?
Like, this is never gonna getany better.
But I think what shifted for mewas again, you know, being able
to feel seen by somebody elsethat I felt like there was just
(20:09):
like this energetic connectionthat I had with Dawn in the
beginning of my healing journey,that like she was the person
that was gonna walk me out tothe other side.
And I had never connected withanybody like that, any other
professionals or therapists thatI had worked with.
So I think a lot of times too,when these women are coming in,
it's like something that we'resaying or something that they're
relating to, or whateverconnection you're feeling, like
(20:31):
those were the things that Iwould trust.
When I feel like somebody wasliterally put in my life for a
reason to carry me out throughto the other side, even if I
couldn't trust myself in thismoment, I knew I gotta go with
this person.
Like there's something that'smaking it shift for me.
SPEAKER_03 (20:47):
Yeah, because there's an unburdening in that
moment, right?
And anytime you put down aburden, the load gets lighter,
your capacity increases.
SPEAKER_00 (20:55):
Yeah.
And I feel like every singlewoman that's in our programs,
like they say, we feel like wefound you guys by divine
intervention.
That's exactly what it is, youknow?
That's exactly what it is.
SPEAKER_01 (21:07):
I'm really excited to dive deeper into this in our
January kickoff for our seasonfive.
SPEAKER_03 (21:16):
Season five.
Yeah, I think if it's crazy, Iknow.
I think if women understood theinner workings of these things,
right?
Because to understand something,then you can spot it and then
and then that reduces theburden, right?
Because uncertainty typicallycreates dysregulation, right?
(21:39):
Like if you pull a hundredhumans and ask them like what
the hardest state is to be in,is like uncertainty, limbo.
You know what I mean?
Like, I think that there's thispiece when women are still in
litigation, still in the legalpiece of divorce until it's
done, there's this limbo state,there's this uncertainty that
creates this constant chronichum of dysregulation, right?
(22:00):
And so when you have informationthat provides clarity, reduces
uncertainty, clears fog, andthen you're like, oh, I feel
named, I feel seen, I feelheard, and then that's An
unburdening right there, right?
So, like, yeah, I'm with you,Joy.
Like, to teach our listeners,like, this is the thing under
the thing.
It's capacity.
(22:21):
We hear that.
SPEAKER_01 (22:22):
Yeah.
We yeah, we hear that so much.
Like, if I just know, if I justknow what I need to deal with,
if I just know what the futurelooks like, I can handle it.
But it's like that ambiguitythat your your body goes on fire
for.
SPEAKER_03 (22:39):
Yeah.
Yeah.
There's this Instagram channel Ilove following Raquel the
Capacity Expert.
She's a therapist and she talksabout all of this a lot.
She talks a lot about victimmindset as a capacity issue.
But yeah, we're gonna dig deepat the top of the year around
the tools we use to unburden, toimprove capacity.
(23:01):
Let's talk a little bit aboutwhat we're seeing the women in
our group do, right?
How group healing is such acapacity increase because
community is how we unburdenoften, right?
We cannot unburden in a vacuum.
It's it's impossible.
You could do certain amount ofunvacuing, I mean, unvacuating,
you could do a certain amount ofunburdening on your own, right?
(23:22):
Like certainly we we want toteach you how to fish, we want
to teach you how to unburden,but we at first learn how to
accept ourselves by beingaccepted by others, right?
Like at first, that's whathappened between you and I,
Tiffany, right?
Is like you felt some sense ofsafety or acceptance, or you
(23:43):
know, saw a path to unburdeningin our early work together, and
then that became the safe placefor you to do more unburdening.
But it's it's which really truethat we at first feel accepted
by somebody else, and then itfeels safe to accept ourselves,
and that is the path tounburdening.
SPEAKER_00 (24:01):
Yeah, and to see these women go deeper and
deeper, like in the groupthreads, like as we pick up,
right?
Sharing very vulnerable thingsthat are not just surface level
things, that's what I getexcited about.
I think, and I love hearing insession, like my favorite thing
that a client say to me is,okay, I'm just gonna say it
because I'm like, thank God.
Like please just say it.
You know, like I'm never gonnajudge you.
(24:22):
Like this is the safest spaceever.
And if I feel like they'reholding back in some way, that's
when I provide witness and say,look, like I understand what
you're going through because ofXYZ.
And then they're like, Pooh,okay.
And then it's like a freakingfloodgate that it just all comes
out, you know.
But there are so many, like, Ilove seeing in the thread too
where they say, like, I knew Icould share this here because
(24:43):
they feel seen, they feel likeall of these women are walking
with them and going through thesame things, and so it's so cool
to see them as a group be ableto show up on really good days
and also to show up in hardmoments and kind of see how
they're they're able to providewitness to each other and hold
space, and you know, it's just areally beautiful experience.
SPEAKER_01 (25:03):
Yep.
I literally was just thinkingit's so beautiful.
SPEAKER_00 (25:07):
Like I was so lonely in my divorce, and what I
realized was at first you thinkyou're lonely for sex and you're
lonely for dating, so then youtry that stuff, and then you
realize, well, shit, I'mlonelier the morning after.
You know what I mean?
Like they leave, and then here Iam again.
And I think what I wish I wouldhave spent more time doing was
realizing that be the reason formy loneliness was because I was
(25:29):
lonely for myself andunderstanding by other people.
Like if I would have had acontainer to heal in, I would
have been able to do it so muchfaster than 10 years.
Like we would havefast-forwarded that quite a bit.
We practice all the ways not todo it so that we can teach you.
Yes, we know what not to do.
Absolutely, we do.
SPEAKER_03 (25:51):
Yeah.
Talk a little bit abouthomeopathy as a solution for
depleted life force or like, youknow, vital force, like literal
strength, energy, capacity.
Like, I wish there was a way forpeople to experience what it's
like to have such an immediatelife force increase.
SPEAKER_00 (26:13):
Please like DM us, please email us because we will
be so happy to share not onlyour personal experiences, but
our family's personalexperiences that we have got
from homeopathy.
Guys, when I came into this, youknow, Dawn was like spearheading
homeopathy, and and I was justkind of sitting on the sidelines
because I didn't reallyunderstand it.
And I was like, okay, likeessential oils, you know, like
(26:34):
okay, like what are we, youknow, and then like she started
giving them to me.
And I just was like, whoa, likejust the amount of shifting that
I've done, and especially assomebody who has been highly
dissociative and felt like itwas normal to always lose my
train of thought, to walk aroundin a fog, to always feel
anxiety.
Like anxiety was just part ofwho I was.
SPEAKER_02 (26:55):
Life.
SPEAKER_00 (26:56):
I never knew what it was like to wake up in the
morning and not feel anxious.
And since I've been on tightnessin your chair.
Oh, yeah.
Or like a you know, pit in mystomach.
Like that was usually me.
It was like, you know, I had tolike wrap my brain around, okay,
what fresh hell awaits today, orlike, you know, what am I doing?
SPEAKER_03 (27:12):
All of that stuff is a is a depletion of life force,
right?
SPEAKER_00 (27:15):
It's like systems running in the background,
eating through your energy.
Yeah.
But it's it's wild what it'sbeen able to shift and do.
And I will scream it from therooftops now.
And and I I feel like I don'teven have to because people
around me notice such adifference and they're asking
me, What are you doing?
What did you do?
And then I show them thepharmacy that's in my bathroom
and they're like, Oh, okay.
Um homeopathic.
(27:36):
Yeah, homeopathic pharmacy.
Yeah.
But you know, um, it it'ssomething that, and like I said,
I was somebody that I was onSelexa for 10 years of my life.
You know, I was on theantidepressants and and that
sort of thing.
And and that didn't really liftthe fog.
It made me productive enough toget through the day, but I still
(27:56):
didn't feel anything.
Like the fact that I can cry nowwhen I want to cry is huge, you
know, that I want to rage outwhen I feel like I'm angry, like
I can actually show normalemotions and not feel like I'm
it's from a place of being outof control.
Like it's just me.
It's just me in here.
SPEAKER_01 (28:17):
I think my favorite, my favorite thing in the entire
world is to look back to like inretrospect and see how far I've
come, my family's come, mydaughter's come, you know, all
those things.
Your capacity, right?
SPEAKER_03 (28:37):
One of my favorite things because like not only was
it like the stuff we talk abouthere in terms of like anxiety,
depression, attachment,whatever, right?
But like ADD, right?
ADD capacity that was such alimiting factor for you.
That still is in certain ways,in the sense that we had pumpkin
(28:58):
pie without sugar, which is myfavorite new thing.
I ate all the no sugar pumpkinpie, and I would now like
sugar-free pumpkin pie.
I don't mean sugar-free as insugar substitute.
I mean producer Joy forgot toput the sugar in the pumpkin
pie, and it was the best thingever.
SPEAKER_01 (29:12):
Hashtag ADD.
I squirrel, forgot to put thesugar in, and it wound up being
a beautiful disaster.
SPEAKER_03 (29:20):
And that still happens from time to time, but
it tends to be like in all thevery best ways.
But like your ability to handletasks is like it's a hundred
times what it ever was.
SPEAKER_01 (29:30):
It's like so cool.
Tasks, but also my children,because I had three, you know,
three at once.
You're outnumbered.
And so like being able tohandle, being able to cope with
the overstimulation, being ableto have an intelligent, even
(29:51):
emotionally balancedconversation that's sh that
traditionally I would have likeslammed doors and thrown things.
And like, you know, my husbandand I got really into it this
weekend and like he startedwashing dishes to somatically
process what was happening.
He's like, I'm working nowsomatically, you know, just like
just being able right to be ableto being able to be able to
(30:17):
function in a way I've neverbeen able to function before
ever is just incredible.
And to be able to look back andbe like, three years ago, five
years ago, like I wouldn't evenbeen able to be in this room
with these people that triggerme, much less like high five.
Oh, Thanksgiving.
Like I did something really,really dumb in front of people
(30:40):
that traditionally trigger theout of me, right?
And I did something really dumb.
And I like five years ago, threeyears ago, I would have
completely spiraled.
I would have had a panic attackbecause they're gonna think I'm
dumb and they're gonna think I'mda-da-da-da.
And I was just like, oh, thatwas dumb.
And then just moved on with myday because like I didn't I
(31:00):
didn't have that roof of what mybody can handle, what I can like
I'm so much more I didn'tcollapse at all.
I'm so much more rooted in who Iam and what I am, and like
capacity to love myself,capacity to understand that
people love to the to theircapacity, but like listen, I
(31:23):
will preach on this all daylong.
The difference that homeopathyhas made for myself and my
family.
SPEAKER_00 (31:32):
Yeah, and even from a psychiatric perspective, like
the diagnosis that my daughtergot pre-homopathy versus post
was like, oh, you know what Imean?
Because stuff that they say isrelatively untreatable, it's not
correct.
Correct, correctly.
And that's the thing.
And look, bring us yourdiagnosis, right?
Because that helps us from aremedy standpoint.
(31:54):
Like we want to know whatthey're saying you have.
And then we are going to workwith you to basically show you
that there is another way, andyou are not a diagnosis, and you
are there's an energy block,there's a capacity limitation.
SPEAKER_03 (32:05):
And when we remove that block, when we enhance your
capacity, we have so many toolsto do that.
So many tools.
Yeah.
Some of them energetic, some ofthem biochemical, some of them
movement somatic, right?
Some of them are rest and properhydration and nutrition.
And but it's all about gettingback to a sense of safety in the
body.
Go for it, Trey.
SPEAKER_01 (32:25):
Right.
No, yeah, but what you just saidlike made me think like my
capacity, it was so easier.
It's so much easier for me justto grab the leftovers of the
children's meals or the becausethat all my capacity had was to
just give the leftovers, right?
(32:45):
Like it was easier for me tojust grab the quickest thing or
the the the leftover, you know,bones of the pizza and just eat
the bread of the pizza withoutactual nervous phone.
Self-care requires energy.
Because self-care requiresenergy, because making choices
for yourself requires capacity.
And when you don't have it, youcan't.
(33:07):
It's not that you are choosingto be this overweight, or you're
choosing, like you literallycannot.
Cannot do it.
SPEAKER_03 (33:15):
Yes.
And that's why I think ourprocess over here is always
going to be superior to anythingelse we see, because it could
take someone years of trying toinstall the proper nutrition,
exercise, sleep to unwind theirnervous system where homeopathy
can do it in literal like amatter of weeks or months.
(33:37):
And then all of a sudden youhave this capacity increase so
that you can implement the toolsthat you learn, right?
And and then Bob's your uncle.
But I am a I think all of us areprime examples, but I think I'm
a prime example of somebody whohas been chronically ill and ate
right, slept right, likeprioritized all the right
things, and still had suchlimited capacity.
(33:58):
And and I think that that's whypeople land here when they've
tried all the things.
And um I don't know, the reallywise people get here before they
tried all the things.
SPEAKER_02 (34:10):
Yeah, don't, don't, don't try all the things.
Just just come.
Come.
unknown (34:16):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (34:16):
I mean, and there is, there's a clear difference,
and I say it all the time.
There is a very clear differencebetween the clients that we see
who don't use homeopathy versusthe ones that do.
There is a very clear, it's noteven, it's black and white, and
there is really no comparing thetwo to how quickly the people
that are using homeopathy startgetting through at the root of
it versus the people that arestill highly dissociative, still
(34:39):
just not willing to.
And I'm talking about physicalsymptoms in session to where
when we start discussing seriousthings, they are, you know,
physically shaken.
I can see their facialexpressions change.
Like, and believe me, like thereis no hiding from me because I'm
the disassociation queen.
I will be able to tell them tocheck out in a minute, you know.
So it's kind of and I'm gonnacall you out on it and say, You
(35:01):
look dissociative right now, youknow, like something switched in
your face.
SPEAKER_01 (35:05):
It's literally the the picture that came to mind
when Tiffany was talking waslike swimming through mud and
murk and swimming through aswimming pool.
Like it's fighting your waythrough the sludge or fighting
your way through clear water.
It's just like that clear, thatthat difference.
SPEAKER_03 (35:25):
Well, and I think what you're speaking to,
Tiffany, about being able tospot things, that's attunement,
right?
When we talk about what is asecure attachment style, it's
the capacity to give and receiveattunement, to give and receive
nuanced attunement, right?
And so, Tiffany, you give goodattunement and your current work
(35:45):
is receiving attunement, right?
Because when people can see you,that clearly it gets a little
dicey for a moment.
But that is secure attachment,is is that feedback loop of
attunement.
You're so good at it.
SPEAKER_00 (35:58):
Yeah, and that's what that was, but I wouldn't
have been without homeopathy.
Like my intuition has like I'vealways known I was different,
like I could sense people,right?
Like, um, and again, inhomeopathy, it's very
phosphoric.
Like, you know how people walkinto a room and they say, I can
feel the tension in the room.
Well, I can feel what someoneelse is feeling in their body.
(36:19):
It's a completely differentfeeling for me, right?
So, like being in session andbeing able to sense shifts in
people and be able to feel whatthey're feeling, like my
intuition has been off thecharts since homeopathy because
it's removing all of the thingsand protective parts that I had
around not wanting to feel thator have it being a trigger to me
or feeling, you know.
Anyway, yeah.
SPEAKER_03 (36:41):
Okay, so this is where we're going to be in the
new year, teaching you all thethings about why you can't
trust, why you feel like avictim.
And I don't mean you hate thatI'm saying that.
You I know you hate that I'msaying you feel like a victim,
but it's like we do, we feellike I can't, poor me, this
isn't fair.
And why, if you don't get ahandle on disassociation, you
(37:04):
are destined to repeat all ofthese things, all of these
cycles in your intimaterelationships.
And I by intimate relationshipsI mean romantic, family,
friends, children forgenerations.
And yeah, and and on the backsof these issues are the sort of
(37:25):
pop culture phrases that we hearover and over again: nervous
system, regulation ordysregulation, codependency,
right?
Codependency is a function of aninability trusting chronic
disassociation.
Codependency is a symptom ofchronic disassociation.
It's all intertwined, right?
(37:45):
So if you've ever had questionsor wanted to understand all of
these things, like man, we arebringing it.
In our Thursday episode thisweek, we are gonna have a combo,
internal family systems, IFS orparts work session combined with
EFT, which is a tappingsequence, to help you unburden
something so you can have anincrease in your energy, an
(38:06):
increase in your capacity, soyou can shift something after
the tapping sequence you do inthe Thursday episode.
So if you're not a premiummember for$5 a month, you can
become a premium member where wedo the work that we talk about
on a Tuesday episode.
If you're not doing it, I reallydon't understand why.
And I'd love to for you toenroll me in your process about
why you're avoiding the Thursdaywork because it's where all the
(38:28):
magic happens.
And then coming up, we are goingto have the 12 days of divorce.
So we want you to obviously be apremium member for that as well.
We cannot wait to bring you thisdeep dive into these topics in
the first year of the year.
We love you so much and we wantyou to be well.
Peace.
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