295. Day 1: Divorce During the Holidays | Nervous System Support When You Feel Like You Can’t Do This

Welcome to Day 1 of the 12 Days of Divorce Christmas...also known as the 12 days of becoming her again.

If you’re listening today, there’s a good chance part of you feels like:
 “I can’t do this.”
Not the holidays.
Not the decisions.
Not the weight of doing this alone.

This episode isn’t here to convince you otherwise.

It’s here to help you understand that when you feel like you can’t, it’s not weakness or victimhood — it’s a capacity issue, not a character flaw.

In today’s episode, we talk about:

• Why feeling like “I can’t do this” often means your system is depleted, not broken
• How divorce grief and the holidays quietly drain nervous system capacity
• Why being “too strong for too long” eventually leads to collapse
• What actually increases capacity (and what doesn’t)
• A short, gentle vagal breathing practice to help your body downshift in real time

This is not a big breakthrough episode.
 It’s a grounding episode.

Water.
Food.
Breath.
Connection.

The basics that matter when everything feels like too much.

You don’t need to fix your life today.
You just need enough capacity to stay present.

And today, that’s enough.

🎄 About the 12 Days of Divorce Christmas

The 12 Days of Divorce Christmas is a daily, nervous-system-first series designed to support you through one of the hardest seasons after divorce.

Days 1, 2, and 9 are available on the public feed.
The remaining days — and the full experience — live inside Dear Divorce Diary Premium.

Inside Premium for $5/mo, you’ll get:

• Access to all 12 days of the series
• Monthly premium workshops
• Deeper, steadier support when talk therapy alone isn’t enough

If this episode helped your body soften even a little, the rest of the series is there to continue that support — one regulated day at a time.

Join Dear Divorce Diary Premium to access the full 12 Days of Divorce Christmas.

Or stay with us here today — and come back tomorrow.

Capacity builds in connection. Hugs ❤️

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MyCoachDawn

Instagram: (@dawnwiggins)

Instagram: (@coachtiffini)

On the Web: https://www.mycoachdawn.com

A podcast exploring the journey of life after divorce, delving into topics like divorce grief, loneliness, anxiety, manifesting, the impact of different attachment styles and codependency, setting healthy boundaries, energy healing with homeopathy, managing the nervous system during divorce depression, understanding the stages of divorce grief, and using the Law of Attraction and EMDR therapy in the process of building your confidence, forgiveness and letting go.

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Episode Transcript

SPEAKER_02 (00:01):
Welcome to the 12 Days of Divorce Christmas, aka
the 12 Days of Becoming HerAgain.
This is an opportunity for us tobe together for 12 days in a row
for you to have a minitransformation in a season that
is really effing hard.
The full 12 days of Christmas isavailable to our premium

(00:25):
subscribers, along with thepremium workshops that go along
every month with being a premiumsubscriber.
But for those that are notpremium subscribers, you will
get to do a couple of the daysof the 12 days of divorce
Christmas with us.
Hi, love.
Welcome to Dear Divorce Diary,the podcast helping divorce days

(00:48):
go beyond talk therapy toprocess your grief, find the
healing you crave, and buildback your confidence.
I'm your host, Don Wiggins, atherapist, coach, integrative
healer, and divorcee.
Join me for a fresh approach tohealing grief and building your
confidence after divorce.

(01:14):
Welcome.
Let's dig in.
Today is day one.
And today we're acknowledging Ican do this.
Because most days right now, youfeel like I can't frickin' do
this.
There is something about thisthat I cannot handle.
I cannot stand.
I cannot do.
I cannot stand, right?

(01:34):
Like how many times can we justimagine in a day we think or
feel the feelings associatedwith I can't stand it.
I can't do it.

SPEAKER_00 (01:42):
I used to Yeah, go.
I used to say, I'm not strongenough.
Like I'm not strong enough to dothis.

SPEAKER_02 (01:49):
Mm-hmm.
Mm-hmm.
I think actually the problem iswe've been too strong for too
long, right?
We are actually strong enough,but we've been too strong for
too long until like, oh, oops,collapses around the corner.
But for today, I really want tospeak into the idea that when we
feel like we can't, there's alot of times that that sounds

(02:10):
like victimhood, like, poor me,please pity me.
This isn't fair.
It's what happened to me, notfor me, right?
But what I want you to hear mesay today is that when we feel
self-pity and when we feelstuck, and when we feel like we
can't, it's because there's somelimitation in our capacity
somewhere that we have notbroken through or cleared out.

(02:33):
There is some level of depletionor limitation in our body, mind,
spirit that needs to beidentified and moved so that our
capacity can grow.
That's what we do here withevery tool we use.
When we do IFS, we areunburdening parts.
It immediately improves yourcapacity.
When we take a homeopathicremedy, it clears energetic

(02:54):
blocks and you immediately getan increase in capacity.
Of course, these things lead to,when we do somatic releases,
right, it unblocks something andthen you get an increased
capacity.
And of course, all of thosethings lead to your nervous
system downshifting, which leadsto improved sleep, which leads
to improved, you know, it's allworks together to improve
literally your energy andcapacity.

(03:15):
So for today, we're gonnabreathe together around the idea
that I can do this.
We're gonna do a tiny littlecapacity upgrade today.
Because while we're not gonna dosome major massive breakthrough
in this moment, what we know canground capacity is connection
with self, connection withsomebody else, being grounded in

(03:39):
our body and our breath, beingwell fed, well hydrated, and
well loved.
Right?
Those things right there, safein a moment, are um momentary
capacity upgrade.

SPEAKER_00 (03:50):
Anything you would add, Joy?
I do want to point out thehydrated, I think um minerally
mineral water, not wine.
Like um, there's a difference ofhigh fluids in your body.

SPEAKER_01 (04:03):
Hydrated with grapes.

SPEAKER_00 (04:05):
Hydrated with grapes, mineral water, uh, put
cell salts in your water, nottap water, not you know, like
not chemically laced water, justa good hydration, not good
hydration.
The spirits.

SPEAKER_02 (04:23):
Well said.
We were just giggling earliertoday about I ordered these wine
bottle labels for some familymembers that said in honor of
Jesus' birthday, here's thisbottle of water.
We're not, that's not the kindof hydrated we mean.
That's not what we're talkingabout here, ladies.
That's not what we're talkingabout.
Yeah.
All right, so take a moment tocheck in.

(04:44):
Are you hydrated?
If not, fetch a glass of water.
Have you had a snack?
A healthy snack, right?
So, and listen, my dad broughtduck donuts over again this
week, and praise, they weredelicious.
But like, have you had an actualfood-based snack today?
Like an apple, a banana, afruit, a vegetable, a plant,

(05:09):
something not highly processed,something that doesn't have seed
oils in it.
Like, just have you had somefood that's nourishing,
nourishing to your body, right?
That's that's like some protein.
Yeah.
Do you feel like you're in yourbody or connected with your
body?
If not, we're gonna we're gonnawork towards that in a moment.
Do you feel connected, seen orheard with someone else right

(05:32):
now?
Maybe that's us in this moment.
Does your heart feel a littlemore open?
You're here with us right now.
Or is there somebody else thatyou need to send a text message
to and just be like, I need tofeel connected?
You know, that little meme withPooh and Piglet where Piglet's
like walking us alongside Poohand he's like, Pooh, and Pooh is

(05:55):
like, Yes, Piglet.
And he's like, I just needed tobe sure of you, right?
Like that's right there when wefeel sure of someone.
It's a tiny little capacityupgrade that gives us the
moment, like, okay, I can dothis.
I can do this.
Yeah.
All right.
So let's take a couple of roundsof breath together.
And we have an episode aboutthis, like way far back,

(06:18):
probably in what joy?
This is like OG, Don and Joy,season one or season two.

unknown (06:22):
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (06:23):
Um vagal breathing.
It was inspired by a book I wasreading by Deepak Chopra, where
he talks about um quantumhealing uh and the power of the
vagal breath.
The vagal breath is just abreath where your exhale is
longer than your inhale, andyour inhale goes down into your
belly so that your diaphragmtouches your vagus nerve.

(06:45):
That is literally what cues thenervous system to say, like, oh,
there's no tyrannosaur chasingme right now.
So drop in with Joy and I.
We're just gonna soften in thismoment.
Let your shoulders drop, letyour jaw release.
It is safe to come into yourbody.
You can do these 12 days ofChristmas, and please stay with

(07:08):
us all 12 days so that you canget the full benefit.
Let's just start with a nicebig, deep, messy breath.
Like I said in another episode,like you're breathing in the
scent of freshly baked breaddown into your belly.
Let's just first start there.
Let's just get one big messybreath.
Just notice how that felt.

(07:30):
A little hold at the top andthen just let it out however you
want to.
Whatever feels good to you.
Okay, just notice.
Did it get stuck in your chest?
Could it get into your belly?
Let's just do one more messybreath, just for you to notice
where your breath is right now.
See if you can send it down intoyour belly, see if you can get

(07:53):
your belly to go as far out.
Like, show me food, food babybelly, right?
Just like breathe deep down inthere.
Ready?
Here we go.
Nice big inhale.
Whole little hold at the top,and maybe let it out with a sigh
or like a whine or like a nice.

(08:18):
Okay, I want you a littleshoulder roll, little shoulder
roll.
We're just getting into thebody, getting into the body.
Little jaw, jaw roll, likereally stretch it out,
stretching out the jaw.
Ow, wow, wow, wow.
I can do this.
I am upgrading my capacity rightnow by getting into my body.
Maybe a little stretch up, bigup with the arms, big round with

(08:40):
the arms, like just reallycoming home into your body to be
connected with yourself,connected with us.
You can do this.
All right, let's do three roundsof vagal breath.
It's like nothing.
It's hardly any skin in thegame, right?
So we're gonna do a deep inhaleinto the belly.
We're gonna hold for a couple ofbeats, and then we're gonna

(09:01):
exhale for longer than youinhale.
I'm not even gonna count it outbecause I don't want to stress
you out with you trying to matchmy count.
Trust your body, trust yourresponse.
Make your exhale longer thanyour inhale.
Okay, joyous.
Let's do this thing where scaleof zero to ten right now, before
your three breaths.
Okay.

(09:21):
What's your level of tension inthe body?
Zero to ten.
Level of tension in the bodycurrently.
Mine's higher than I want toadmit right now.

SPEAKER_00 (09:32):
I would say, um I am gonna put myself back in the
season that this would have beena lifeline for me.
And it would have been likeYeah, yeah, but really high,
right?

SPEAKER_02 (09:45):
But but literally right now for you.
So, listener, like pick yournumber right now, level of
tension in the body.
I'm gonna give me a six rightnow.
It's higher than I'd like.
Okay.

SPEAKER_00 (09:57):
I'm I'm probably about two or three.
I feel pretty um rejuvenized cutcoming off the weekend, right?
Like it's um I haven't beenaround my children enough to get
jammed.

SPEAKER_02 (10:14):
Okay.
All right, so you're two orthree.
I'm like a five-six.
Let's do our three rounds ofvagal breath.
I'm gonna sort of like pretendI'm not recording a podcast
episode right now, so I can justdo it, which probably means I
might not facilitate or guide aswell as I may normally do,
right?
But I want this real pre andpost.
After three good vagal breaths,does the number move, right?

(10:35):
Okay, so loves, you are gonnatake a deep inhale into the
belly, you are gonna hold for acouple of beats, and then you're
gonna do a nice long exhale.
I trust you to have sovereigntyover your body, you can handle
it.
You don't need me to count itout for you.
Ready, set?
Let's do it.

(12:07):
Okay, I snuck in a fourthbreath.
And on the fourth breath, Ishifted.

SPEAKER_00 (12:14):
I saw you I saw you yawn.
Yeah, that's right.
That's how you know thedownshift is how you know.
Yeah, that was that was on thefourth breath.
Which I did not know until westarted doing these exercises
that yawning is a nervous systemresponse.
So if you're yawning, listen toyour body.

SPEAKER_02 (12:31):
Yeah, it can be more than one thing, right?
Because I have this happens witha lot of male patients, they
yawn while being vulnerable, andit's actually a sign of some
nervous system activation,right?
One way or the other.
It's interesting.
So is it in that when theyexpress the thing, then they
downshift, or is it they'reexpressing the thing and they're

(12:51):
activated?
I don't, I don't know.
Be it, it's an interesting thingto study, but a lot of men yawn
when they've said somethingvulnerable.
So it is, it's a nervous systemsign, right?
Yeah.
Okay, loves.
What are you noticing in yourbody?
There's another one.
When Joy popped in with herlittle cues, I was like, oh,

(13:13):
she's got us.
She's got us.
That was awesome.
I definitely am more like fourfive now instead of five, six.

SPEAKER_00 (13:19):
Excellent, excellent.
I could like, I think if I werejust to like walk outside and
get some sun on my face, I mightjust like lay down on the
ground.
Just completely yeah, I feelpretty good.
Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 (13:32):
So, darlings, what we want you to hear is yes, this
shit you're doing right now ishard.
And in many ways, there areelements of it that you can't
yet do.
That's true.
Like you can't yet emphasis onyet.
And when you feel like youcan't, what you need is a
capacity upgrade, not aradically different change in

(13:54):
your circumstances.
You need a capacity upgrade, andthis is how you do it.

Today we're keeping it basic: water, hydration, food, (13:58):
undefined
connection, embodiment.
That's your mission.
We love you so much.
Peace.