January 30, 2025 • 23 mins
Unlock the secrets to mastering difficult conversations in your romantic relationships with insights from psychologist Helene Brenner. Learn how to tackle sensitive subjects like finances and infidelity, navigate clashes in core values, and overcome poor communication hurdles. Together, we unpack the common fears that lead to avoidance and defensiveness, and why facing these issues head-on can prevent them from spiraling out of control. Our discussion aims to empower you to address unresolved past conflicts and foster a healthier dialogue with your partner that nurtures understanding and growth.
Join me, Monique Simmons, as we explore practical strategies for fostering positive and constructive communication in relationships. Discover the power of starting conversations on a positive note, utilizing "I" statements to express feelings without blame, and the impact of empathy in truly understanding your partner’s emotions. We delve into the importance of body language and staying focused to avoid unproductive detours. Through these strategies, learn how to work collaboratively towards shared goals, ensuring adaptability and progress in resolving conflicts. Let’s equip you with the tools you need to transform challenging conversations into opportunities for deeper connection and unity with your partner.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
What's up, guys?
Welcome to Demo with Mo.
I'm your host, monique Simmons.
We'll be discussing dating,engaged and married objectives
from a young Christian'sperspective.
Are you guys ready?
Let's dive in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Welcome to a new episode ofDemo with Mo.
(00:28):
I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be
discussing having difficultconversations in romantic
relationships.
Before we jump into today'sepisode, we're going to take
care of a little housekeepingbusiness.
If you are not already, stopwhat you're doing.
(00:58):
Take a moment and follow me onTikTok and Facebook at Demo with
Mo on Facebook, if you wouldjoin our private community
dating, engaged and marriedobjectives.
On there, we have a communityof people where we talk about
all things dating andrelationships, marriage,
parenting just a beautifulcommunity of people where we
(01:19):
have a great time, where werelate to one another.
We talk about things that we gothrough in life all things,
relationships, all things wherewe relate to one another.
We talk about things that we gothrough in life all things,
relationships, all things wherewe can support one another,
share things in common, thingsabout life Just a beautiful
place, a beautiful place to be.
We've had that community theresince I've started this podcast
(01:40):
and it is a great place for youto have a place with people who
you share things in common withand people that are different
from you Different age groups,different ethnicities, people
who are single and dating,people who have been married for
(02:00):
a long time, people who arenewly married Just a shared
space where, if you're lookingfor a community, this is the
place to be, and you can find meon Instagram, at Demo, with Mo
Podcasts, and I would love tohave you.
For those of you who have beenrocking with me from the very
beginning, I just want to saythank you.
(02:21):
I haven't said that in a while,but I just want you to know I
appreciate you.
For those who may be new herewelcome.
I'm so glad to have you join me.
I appreciate you, I really do.
I don't take it for grantedthat you are here If this is
your very first episode, if youhave been here for a little
(02:44):
while, or again, if you've beenhere from the very beginning.
Wherever you found yourself onthis journey with me, I don't
take it for granted.
Thank you so much for joiningus with the Demo, with Mo
community.
I appreciate you.
I really do appreciate youbeing here, but without further
ado.
Let's go ahead and jump intotoday's episode Again having
(03:06):
difficult conversations inromantic relationships.
How do we have difficultconversations with our partners
or our spouses?
What even makes theseconversations difficult?
Well, I did a little researchto figure out what are the key
factors that contribute to adifficult conversation with your
(03:27):
partner.
What even makes theconversation be difficult?
Because for some of us, it maybe easy, certain conversations
may be easy, and for others,that same conversation may be.
We may be dreading it.
We may be absolutely dreadingit.
We may be dreading it.
We may be absolutely dreadingit.
So HeleneBrennercom, who's alicensed psychologist for over
(03:52):
30 plus years, she talked aboutsome key factors that contribute
to a difficult conversationwith your partner.
What makes this conversation bedifficult?
One sensitive subjects.
Discussing topics like finances,family issues, past
(04:17):
relationships, infidelity orpersonal insecurities can
trigger strong emotions and makea conversation challenging.
Two disagreement on core values, something that's very
important to you that may not beas important to your spouse or
your partner.
When partners have vastlydifferent views on important
(04:39):
life choices like child rearing,career paths or religious
beliefs, it can lead to tenseconversations.
Have you ever been there?
I definitely have.
Number three poor communicationskills.
Not actively listening.
Interrupting using accusatorylanguage or failing to express
(05:05):
needs clearly can escalateconflict and hinder productive
dialogue.
Four unresolved past issues Ifprevious conflicts haven't been
addressed properly, they canresurface and complicate current
conversations.
Y'all ever heard of sweepingthings under the rug?
(05:27):
Yeah, that's what this is.
When you don't properly addresssomething the first time, or
even the second time, whathappens is when you're
addressing something else, it'sliable to come back up.
Nine times out of 10, thatthing is going to resurface and
come back up.
(05:48):
Six fear of hurting the otherperson.
Sometimes bringing up adifficult topic can lead to
worry about causing pain ordamaging the relationship,
making it hard to initiate theconversation.
So if you're weighing out man,how's my partner or my spouse
(06:11):
going to feel if I bring this up?
If you're always constantlyweighing that thing out,
thinking about how they're goingto feel, they can keep you from
addressing things that reallyneed to be addressed.
Talking about things thatreally need to be addressed,
talking about things that reallyneed to be discussed, even
though it may hurt your partneror your spouse's feelings, even
if you may have to get yourfeelings hurt.
(06:32):
Sometimes that's part of theterritory, that's part of that
comes with it, sometimes,because it's a difficult
conversation, we may have to getour feelings hurt sometimes
because this goes back tounresolved past issues.
If we don't address it now,it's going to eventually come
(06:55):
back up, it's going to have tobe talked about.
It's going to have toeventually be addressed anyway,
so let's go ahead and deal withit right now.
Six defensive posture.
When one partner becomesdefensive or dismissive of the
partner's concerns, it can shutdown open communication and make
(07:17):
it harder to reach a resolution.
So if your partner, your spouse, is trying to address something
, bring up a concern that theyhave, an issue that has come up
in a relationship, instead ofgetting dismissive or defensive.
(07:49):
Like, really hear them out,really hear what's going on in
their heart, really hear theirconcern.
And last but not least, numberseven avoiding the conversation.
Oh, that's a good one righthere.
If one partner tries tosidestep a difficult topic by
(08:09):
changing the subject orwithdrawing, it can prevent
productive discussion.
Okay, so let's go ahead and getinto some ways or some tips for
having difficult conversations.
So now we've talked about thekey factors that contribute to a
difficult conversation withyour partner or your spouse.
(08:32):
So now let's talk about sometips on having the difficult
conversations with our partnersor our spouses and how we can do
better going forward.
And I'll encourage you.
Take inventory While you'relistening to me.
Give these tips, ways you cando better.
Or if you're already doing this, I encourage you to take
(08:53):
inventory.
Take a moment if you have penand paper, or if maybe you may
be listening to this whileyou're walking or on a drive or
washing dishes.
Take a mental note, but takepersonal inventory.
Don't point the finger at yourpartner or your spouse or maybe
you want to send this episode tothem or share with someone that
(09:14):
you think this episode wouldhelp or they would enjoy or be
beneficial to them.
But I encourage you.
This is a personal one today.
This is a personal one today.
You take personal inventory.
Where are you, say, where am Iin this?
Monique is giving me these tipson ways to have these difficult
(09:37):
conversations with my partneror with my spouse.
Where am I?
Am I doing these tips thatshe's giving?
Difficult conversations with mypartner or with my spouse?
Where am I?
Am I doing these tips thatshe's giving?
How am I doing these?
Am I doing these well?
Could I be doing better?
Am I not doing them at all?
Where am I?
This is time for you to takeaccountability and do personal
(10:01):
inventory, not point fingers.
My partner could be doing thisbetter.
They're not doing this at all.
I'm not doing it becausethey're not doing it.
No, no, no, no.
This is personal inventory.
Where am I?
Number one be prepared.
(10:21):
Plan what you want to say andwhen you can talk.
So don't just jump out thereyou feeling upset, you got
something you really want to getoff your chest and you know,
don't go in like that, don't goin hot like that, because it's
not going to Think about thebigger picture.
Because when you're having adifficult conversation, the
bigger picture is I want toresolve this, I want to get in a
(10:45):
better place, I want to fix theissue.
Because usually when you'rehaving a difficult conversation,
you're upset, you're mad, yourfeelings hurt, you want to, you
know.
But the bigger picture is Iwant to resolve this, I want to
fix the issue, I want to addressthis, I want to fix the issue,
I want to address this, I wantto be in a better place.
So don't go in hot.
(11:07):
Plan what you want to say, whatis it that you want to talk
about, what is it that you wantto address and then plan when
you can talk.
Maybe the best time to talk isnot when you pick up the kids
from school or daycare andyou're fixing dinner.
The house is hot and busy and alot is going on.
(11:29):
Maybe that's not the best time.
Maybe after you put the kids tobed you guys have that
one-on-one time and it's justyou and your partner or your
spouse.
Or maybe the best time is whenyou guys have set aside some
time and you're going on a datenight.
But plan what you wanna say andplan when you can talk.
(11:50):
Number two start positively,start on a good note.
Don't go in.
You never do this, you never dothat.
You always do this, you alwaysdo that.
Don't go in hot like thatbecause it goes back to the
previous factors of what makesthe conversation difficult.
The person is going toautomatically get defensive
(12:11):
because you already own them.
You're already coming incritical, you're already coming
in hot.
Start in on a positive notebecause, again, remember the
bigger picture.
You want to end in a good place.
You want to end on a good note.
You want to resolve this.
You want to fix this.
You want to be in a good place.
Start on a positive note.
(12:31):
Choose your words carefully.
Number three be respectful.
Don't interrupt or speak downto your partner or your spouse.
Speak to them the way you wouldwant them to speak to you.
That's self-explanatory.
Don't cut them off whilethey're talking.
Don't be ready to respond whilethey're talking, Like.
(12:54):
Be respectful.
Number four be an activelistener.
Ask questions and try tounderstand their perspective.
So active listener is actuallylistening to them while they're
talking.
You know how sometimes peoplecan be talking and we're on go,
we're not even really listeningto them because we're already
(13:16):
actively putting our responsetogether of what we're going to
say to what they're saying.
So we're not really listeningto what they're saying.
Like we hear the words comingout their mouth but we're not
really listening.
We're really not trying to heartheir point of view, hear their
perspective.
We're really not concernedabout how they feel.
Be an active listener.
(13:37):
Five use I statements.
Express your feelings and needswithout blaming your partner.
So don't go in and say you makeme feel you always do this.
I wouldn't have done this ifyou wouldn't have no take
responsibility for how you feelin your actions.
(13:58):
Use statements.
I feel hurt by this, I feelalone, I feel sad, I feel upset,
even though you still feel theways you feel.
Take responsibility andaccountability for how you feel.
Don't put it on your partner oryour spouse.
(14:20):
You still can address how youfeel.
You still can express how youfeel, but use I statements.
Number six empathize.
Try to understand and shareyour partner's feelings.
You don't have to agree withhow your partner or your spouse
feels to understand and shareyour partner's feelings.
(14:44):
I can see why you feel that way.
I understand how you would feelthat way.
I'm sorry that you feel thatway.
Empathize with them the sameway you would want them to
empathize with you.
They don't always agree with it, it doesn't always make sense
(15:08):
to you, but you can empathizewith somebody.
You can come down to where theyare.
You can see how they would feelthat way.
That's empathy.
You can see how they would feelthat way.
That's empathy.
Seven be aware of body language.
If you can see how you areexpressing yourself and maybe by
(15:29):
your partner or your spouse'sbody language, that they're not
receiving what you're saying, beaware of that.
Be aware of your body languagewhen you're speaking to your
spouse.
Maybe you're yelling, maybeyou're rolling your neck and
popping your mouth and you know,maybe you're getting loud and
aggressive.
You know, pay attention to thebody language, because sometimes
(15:55):
it's hard to receive whatsomebody is saying, even out of
body language, because you canbe saying one thing but
sometimes it's not received.
Well, just out of body languageBecause I can be saying
something, but if I feel likeyou're not receiving it, just
out of your body language, itcan shut someone down.
So be aware of that.
(16:18):
Number eight stay focused, stickto the topic and avoid tangents
.
So if you guys are going tohave a conversation about
finances, or you guys are goingto have a conversation about
parents, or you guys are goingto have a conversation about
your children, stay on the topicat hand.
Don't have a conversation aboutfinances and then go down the
(16:39):
line about everything else thatthey're not doing or that you
want them to do, about everyother area in a relationship.
Stay on the topic at hand.
Avoid going on the tangent,because what will happen is
you'll start talking about allthese other things and what you
guys desired to talk about, whatyou set aside time to actually
(17:03):
talk about, it won't even getaddressed because you went off
on a tangent about everythingelse in the relationship and
nothing got accomplished.
Nothing got resolved.
Number nine work together, findcommon ground and work toward a
shared goal.
(17:23):
You guys are on the same team.
Don't forget that.
You guys are not enemies.
Work together, find commonground.
If you guys are dealing withfinances, the issue at hand is
finances.
If you guys are dealing withfinances, the issue at hand is
finances.
What's the common ground?
(17:43):
We want to cancel debt, we wantto get rid of debt.
Okay, that's our common ground.
Even though we have differentviews about it, different
perspectives about it, we feellike we want to get there
different ways.
That's why we keep bumpingheads and having issues, and now
that's the reason we have tohave this difficult conversation
.
Our common ground is we bothagree that we want to get rid of
(18:10):
debt.
How do we work toward a sharedgoal?
How can we compromise and getto the shared goal of counseling
debt?
How can we work together ofcounseling debt?
How can we work together?
Number 10, evaluate yoursolution.
So when you guys work togetherand figured out how you guys
were going to counsel that debt,now you evaluate your solution
(18:35):
After implementing what youdiscussed.
Check in to see if it works.
This is your last step, number10.
So you guys figured out howyou're going to cancel that debt
.
Let's say, three months later,that was your goal.
You said three months later,we're going to check in with one
another and we're going to seehow is it working, because
something about relationshipsand marriages you guys don't
(18:59):
have to keep doing things thesame way.
Yes, this is what we agreed ononce upon a time.
But if it's not working, youcan change things, you can do
things differently.
So evaluate your solution.
This is the way we, threemonths ago, we said at three
months, we're going to check inwith one another and we're going
gonna see how this is working.
(19:20):
We check them with each other.
It's working doggone it.
That's awesome.
We're gonna keep going at it.
But if, three months later, wecheck in and this is not working
for either one of us, or evenjust one of us, it's not working
let's go back to the table,let's go back to the drawing
board and let's figure outanother solution.
And three months, months later,we'll check in again.
(19:42):
So these are your 10 steps, your10 tips for having difficult
conversations with our partnersor our spouses.
Difficult conversations are noteasy, and that's in no
relationship.
That's platonic relationships,that's with family.
(20:02):
That's what our partners, ourspouses, our children, it
doesn't matter who is with.
Having difficult conversationsis not easy.
I'm not even finna.
Sit here and pretend and andact like it is, and for some
people it may.
May, you know, there may besome unicorns out there it may
be easy, but it wouldn't becalled difficult conversations
(20:25):
if it was easy.
But what I will tell you isbeneficial, it's needed.
It can ruin a relationship whenthese things need to be
addressed and they need to betalked about and we avoid them
and we don't have them Becausethe things that need to be
addressed, they don't go awayjust because you don't have the
(20:46):
conversation.
It's just like a fire in ahouse, in a room Just because
you don't put out the fire, thefire don't go away.
The fire just gets bigger andit spreads, and it starts in one
area of the house and then itspreads to the next area of the
house and the next thing youknow, your house is burned down
(21:10):
and that's not what you want.
So have the difficultconversations.
I hope these key factors thatcontribute to a difficult
conversation and these tips onhow to have the difficult
conversations, I hope thesepractical things have helped you
.
I hope it has encouraged youand I hope it has helped you
(21:30):
take a personal inventory ofyour own life, of your own
relationship, of your ownmarriage, to see where you are
and what you can do to be better, because that's the goal.
None of us are perfect.
None of us will ever be perfect.
None of us is getting it allright.
We can all grow.
Every day we should be tryingto grow.
Every day we should be tryingto be better Better partners,
(21:53):
better spouses, better wives,better husbands.
Every day, we should be tryingto grow to be better.
So I hope today's episode hashelped you Totally helped me.
I actually had thisconversation in my Facebook
community that I told you guysabout last week and it
(22:14):
encouraged me in such a way thatI wanted to come back on the
podcast and talk about it.
So I really hope it helped you.
Share this episode today withsomebody that you know it would
be beneficial to, because we allcould grow in this area of
having difficult conversations,because there's so many of us we
don't want to have thedifficult conversations, but we
need to.
(22:34):
Y'all we really need to.
Our relationships would be insuch a better place if we did
the things that we are avoiding.
Man, if we would just do it, ohhow better our relationships
would be.
But again, I hope that today'sepisode has encouraged you.
Remember I love you, but Godloves you guys so much more and
(22:59):
I'll see you next week.
Bye, I hope you guys haveenjoyed.
Follow me on Facebook.
At Demo with Mo.
If you have any questions youwould like answered here live on
my podcast, email them to me.
At Demo with mo at gmailcom.
(23:21):
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O.
At gmailcom.
What's up, guys?
Welcome to Demo with Mo.
I'm your host, monique Simmons.
We'll be discussing dating,engaged and married objectives
from a young Christian'sperspective.
Are you guys ready?
Let's dive in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Welcome to a new episode ofDemo with Mo.
(00:28):
I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we are going to be
discussing having difficultconversations in romantic
relationships.
Before we jump into today'sepisode, we're going to take
care of a little housekeepingbusiness.
If you are not already, stopwhat you're doing.
(00:58):
Take a moment and follow me onTikTok and Facebook at Demo with
Mo on Facebook, if you wouldjoin our private community
dating, engaged and marriedobjectives.
On there, we have a communityof people where we talk about
all things dating andrelationships, marriage,
parenting just a beautifulcommunity of people where we
(01:19):
have a great time, where werelate to one another.
We talk about things that we gothrough in life all things,
relationships, all things wherewe relate to one another.
We talk about things that we gothrough in life all things,
relationships, all things wherewe can support one another,
share things in common, thingsabout life Just a beautiful
place, a beautiful place to be.
We've had that community theresince I've started this podcast
(01:40):
and it is a great place for youto have a place with people who
you share things in common withand people that are different
from you Different age groups,different ethnicities, people
who are single and dating,people who have been married for
(02:00):
a long time, people who arenewly married Just a shared
space where, if you're lookingfor a community, this is the
place to be, and you can find meon Instagram, at Demo, with Mo
Podcasts, and I would love tohave you.
For those of you who have beenrocking with me from the very
beginning, I just want to saythank you.
(02:21):
I haven't said that in a while,but I just want you to know I
appreciate you.
For those who may be new herewelcome.
I'm so glad to have you join me.
I appreciate you, I really do.
I don't take it for grantedthat you are here If this is
your very first episode, if youhave been here for a little
(02:44):
while, or again, if you've beenhere from the very beginning.
Wherever you found yourself onthis journey with me, I don't
take it for granted.
Thank you so much for joiningus with the Demo, with Mo
community.
I appreciate you.
I really do appreciate youbeing here, but without further
ado.
Let's go ahead and jump intotoday's episode Again having
(03:06):
difficult conversations inromantic relationships.
How do we have difficultconversations with our partners
or our spouses?
What even makes theseconversations difficult?
Well, I did a little researchto figure out what are the key
factors that contribute to adifficult conversation with your
(03:27):
partner.
What even makes theconversation be difficult?
Because for some of us, it maybe easy, certain conversations
may be easy, and for others,that same conversation may be.
We may be dreading it.
We may be absolutely dreadingit.
We may be dreading it.
We may be absolutely dreadingit.
So HeleneBrennercom, who's alicensed psychologist for over
(03:52):
30 plus years, she talked aboutsome key factors that contribute
to a difficult conversationwith your partner.
What makes this conversation bedifficult?
One sensitive subjects.
Discussing topics like finances,family issues, past
(04:17):
relationships, infidelity orpersonal insecurities can
trigger strong emotions and makea conversation challenging.
Two disagreement on core values, something that's very
important to you that may not beas important to your spouse or
your partner.
When partners have vastlydifferent views on important
(04:39):
life choices like child rearing,career paths or religious
beliefs, it can lead to tenseconversations.
Have you ever been there?
I definitely have.
Number three poor communicationskills.
Not actively listening.
Interrupting using accusatorylanguage or failing to express
(05:05):
needs clearly can escalateconflict and hinder productive
dialogue.
Four unresolved past issues Ifprevious conflicts haven't been
addressed properly, they canresurface and complicate current
conversations.
Y'all ever heard of sweepingthings under the rug?
(05:27):
Yeah, that's what this is.
When you don't properly addresssomething the first time, or
even the second time, whathappens is when you're
addressing something else, it'sliable to come back up.
Nine times out of 10, thatthing is going to resurface and
come back up.
(05:48):
Six fear of hurting the otherperson.
Sometimes bringing up adifficult topic can lead to
worry about causing pain ordamaging the relationship,
making it hard to initiate theconversation.
So if you're weighing out man,how's my partner or my spouse
(06:11):
going to feel if I bring this up?
If you're always constantlyweighing that thing out,
thinking about how they're goingto feel, they can keep you from
addressing things that reallyneed to be addressed.
Talking about things thatreally need to be addressed,
talking about things that reallyneed to be discussed, even
though it may hurt your partneror your spouse's feelings, even
if you may have to get yourfeelings hurt.
(06:32):
Sometimes that's part of theterritory, that's part of that
comes with it, sometimes,because it's a difficult
conversation, we may have to getour feelings hurt sometimes
because this goes back tounresolved past issues.
If we don't address it now,it's going to eventually come
(06:55):
back up, it's going to have tobe talked about.
It's going to have toeventually be addressed anyway,
so let's go ahead and deal withit right now.
Six defensive posture.
When one partner becomesdefensive or dismissive of the
partner's concerns, it can shutdown open communication and make
(07:17):
it harder to reach a resolution.
So if your partner, your spouse, is trying to address something
, bring up a concern that theyhave, an issue that has come up
in a relationship, instead ofgetting dismissive or defensive.
(07:49):
Like, really hear them out,really hear what's going on in
their heart, really hear theirconcern.
And last but not least, numberseven avoiding the conversation.
Oh, that's a good one righthere.
If one partner tries tosidestep a difficult topic by
(08:09):
changing the subject orwithdrawing, it can prevent
productive discussion.
Okay, so let's go ahead and getinto some ways or some tips for
having difficult conversations.
So now we've talked about thekey factors that contribute to a
difficult conversation withyour partner or your spouse.
(08:32):
So now let's talk about sometips on having the difficult
conversations with our partnersor our spouses and how we can do
better going forward.
And I'll encourage you.
Take inventory While you'relistening to me.
Give these tips, ways you cando better.
Or if you're already doing this, I encourage you to take
(08:53):
inventory.
Take a moment if you have penand paper, or if maybe you may
be listening to this whileyou're walking or on a drive or
washing dishes.
Take a mental note, but takepersonal inventory.
Don't point the finger at yourpartner or your spouse or maybe
you want to send this episode tothem or share with someone that
(09:14):
you think this episode wouldhelp or they would enjoy or be
beneficial to them.
But I encourage you.
This is a personal one today.
This is a personal one today.
You take personal inventory.
Where are you, say, where am Iin this?
Monique is giving me these tipson ways to have these difficult
(09:37):
conversations with my partneror with my spouse.
Where am I?
Am I doing these tips thatshe's giving?
Difficult conversations with mypartner or with my spouse?
Where am I?
Am I doing these tips thatshe's giving?
How am I doing these?
Am I doing these well?
Could I be doing better?
Am I not doing them at all?
Where am I?
This is time for you to takeaccountability and do personal
(10:01):
inventory, not point fingers.
My partner could be doing thisbetter.
They're not doing this at all.
I'm not doing it becausethey're not doing it.
No, no, no, no.
This is personal inventory.
Where am I?
Number one be prepared.
(10:21):
Plan what you want to say andwhen you can talk.
So don't just jump out thereyou feeling upset, you got
something you really want to getoff your chest and you know,
don't go in like that, don't goin hot like that, because it's
not going to Think about thebigger picture.
Because when you're having adifficult conversation, the
bigger picture is I want toresolve this, I want to get in a
(10:45):
better place, I want to fix theissue.
Because usually when you'rehaving a difficult conversation,
you're upset, you're mad, yourfeelings hurt, you want to, you
know.
But the bigger picture is Iwant to resolve this, I want to
fix the issue, I want to addressthis, I want to fix the issue,
I want to address this, I wantto be in a better place.
So don't go in hot.
(11:07):
Plan what you want to say, whatis it that you want to talk
about, what is it that you wantto address and then plan when
you can talk.
Maybe the best time to talk isnot when you pick up the kids
from school or daycare andyou're fixing dinner.
The house is hot and busy and alot is going on.
(11:29):
Maybe that's not the best time.
Maybe after you put the kids tobed you guys have that
one-on-one time and it's justyou and your partner or your
spouse.
Or maybe the best time is whenyou guys have set aside some
time and you're going on a datenight.
But plan what you wanna say andplan when you can talk.
(11:50):
Number two start positively,start on a good note.
Don't go in.
You never do this, you never dothat.
You always do this, you alwaysdo that.
Don't go in hot like thatbecause it goes back to the
previous factors of what makesthe conversation difficult.
The person is going toautomatically get defensive
(12:11):
because you already own them.
You're already coming incritical, you're already coming
in hot.
Start in on a positive notebecause, again, remember the
bigger picture.
You want to end in a good place.
You want to end on a good note.
You want to resolve this.
You want to fix this.
You want to be in a good place.
Start on a positive note.
(12:31):
Choose your words carefully.
Number three be respectful.
Don't interrupt or speak downto your partner or your spouse.
Speak to them the way you wouldwant them to speak to you.
That's self-explanatory.
Don't cut them off whilethey're talking.
Don't be ready to respond whilethey're talking, Like.
(12:54):
Be respectful.
Number four be an activelistener.
Ask questions and try tounderstand their perspective.
So active listener is actuallylistening to them while they're
talking.
You know how sometimes peoplecan be talking and we're on go,
we're not even really listeningto them because we're already
(13:16):
actively putting our responsetogether of what we're going to
say to what they're saying.
So we're not really listeningto what they're saying.
Like we hear the words comingout their mouth but we're not
really listening.
We're really not trying to heartheir point of view, hear their
perspective.
We're really not concernedabout how they feel.
Be an active listener.
(13:37):
Five use I statements.
Express your feelings and needswithout blaming your partner.
So don't go in and say you makeme feel you always do this.
I wouldn't have done this ifyou wouldn't have no take
responsibility for how you feelin your actions.
(13:58):
Use statements.
I feel hurt by this, I feelalone, I feel sad, I feel upset,
even though you still feel theways you feel.
Take responsibility andaccountability for how you feel.
Don't put it on your partner oryour spouse.
(14:20):
You still can address how youfeel.
You still can express how youfeel, but use I statements.
Number six empathize.
Try to understand and shareyour partner's feelings.
You don't have to agree withhow your partner or your spouse
feels to understand and shareyour partner's feelings.
(14:44):
I can see why you feel that way.
I understand how you would feelthat way.
I'm sorry that you feel thatway.
Empathize with them the sameway you would want them to
empathize with you.
They don't always agree with it, it doesn't always make sense
(15:08):
to you, but you can empathizewith somebody.
You can come down to where theyare.
You can see how they would feelthat way.
That's empathy.
You can see how they would feelthat way.
That's empathy.
Seven be aware of body language.
If you can see how you areexpressing yourself and maybe by
(15:29):
your partner or your spouse'sbody language, that they're not
receiving what you're saying, beaware of that.
Be aware of your body languagewhen you're speaking to your
spouse.
Maybe you're yelling, maybeyou're rolling your neck and
popping your mouth and you know,maybe you're getting loud and
aggressive.
You know, pay attention to thebody language, because sometimes
(15:55):
it's hard to receive whatsomebody is saying, even out of
body language, because you canbe saying one thing but
sometimes it's not received.
Well, just out of body languageBecause I can be saying
something, but if I feel likeyou're not receiving it, just
out of your body language, itcan shut someone down.
So be aware of that.
(16:18):
Number eight stay focused, stickto the topic and avoid tangents
.
So if you guys are going tohave a conversation about
finances, or you guys are goingto have a conversation about
parents, or you guys are goingto have a conversation about
your children, stay on the topicat hand.
Don't have a conversation aboutfinances and then go down the
(16:39):
line about everything else thatthey're not doing or that you
want them to do, about everyother area in a relationship.
Stay on the topic at hand.
Avoid going on the tangent,because what will happen is
you'll start talking about allthese other things and what you
guys desired to talk about, whatyou set aside time to actually
(17:03):
talk about, it won't even getaddressed because you went off
on a tangent about everythingelse in the relationship and
nothing got accomplished.
Nothing got resolved.
Number nine work together, findcommon ground and work toward a
shared goal.
(17:23):
You guys are on the same team.
Don't forget that.
You guys are not enemies.
Work together, find commonground.
If you guys are dealing withfinances, the issue at hand is
finances.
If you guys are dealing withfinances, the issue at hand is
finances.
What's the common ground?
(17:43):
We want to cancel debt, we wantto get rid of debt.
Okay, that's our common ground.
Even though we have differentviews about it, different
perspectives about it, we feellike we want to get there
different ways.
That's why we keep bumpingheads and having issues, and now
that's the reason we have tohave this difficult conversation
.
Our common ground is we bothagree that we want to get rid of
(18:10):
debt.
How do we work toward a sharedgoal?
How can we compromise and getto the shared goal of counseling
debt?
How can we work together ofcounseling debt?
How can we work together?
Number 10, evaluate yoursolution.
So when you guys work togetherand figured out how you guys
were going to counsel that debt,now you evaluate your solution
(18:35):
After implementing what youdiscussed.
Check in to see if it works.
This is your last step, number10.
So you guys figured out howyou're going to cancel that debt
.
Let's say, three months later,that was your goal.
You said three months later,we're going to check in with one
another and we're going to seehow is it working, because
something about relationshipsand marriages you guys don't
(18:59):
have to keep doing things thesame way.
Yes, this is what we agreed ononce upon a time.
But if it's not working, youcan change things, you can do
things differently.
So evaluate your solution.
This is the way we, threemonths ago, we said at three
months, we're going to check inwith one another and we're going
gonna see how this is working.
(19:20):
We check them with each other.
It's working doggone it.
That's awesome.
We're gonna keep going at it.
But if, three months later, wecheck in and this is not working
for either one of us, or evenjust one of us, it's not working
let's go back to the table,let's go back to the drawing
board and let's figure outanother solution.
And three months, months later,we'll check in again.
(19:42):
So these are your 10 steps, your10 tips for having difficult
conversations with our partnersor our spouses.
Difficult conversations are noteasy, and that's in no
relationship.
That's platonic relationships,that's with family.
(20:02):
That's what our partners, ourspouses, our children, it
doesn't matter who is with.
Having difficult conversationsis not easy.
I'm not even finna.
Sit here and pretend and andact like it is, and for some
people it may.
May, you know, there may besome unicorns out there it may
be easy, but it wouldn't becalled difficult conversations
(20:25):
if it was easy.
But what I will tell you isbeneficial, it's needed.
It can ruin a relationship whenthese things need to be
addressed and they need to betalked about and we avoid them
and we don't have them Becausethe things that need to be
addressed, they don't go awayjust because you don't have the
(20:46):
conversation.
It's just like a fire in ahouse, in a room Just because
you don't put out the fire, thefire don't go away.
The fire just gets bigger andit spreads, and it starts in one
area of the house and then itspreads to the next area of the
house and the next thing youknow, your house is burned down
(21:10):
and that's not what you want.
So have the difficultconversations.
I hope these key factors thatcontribute to a difficult
conversation and these tips onhow to have the difficult
conversations, I hope thesepractical things have helped you
.
I hope it has encouraged youand I hope it has helped you
(21:30):
take a personal inventory ofyour own life, of your own
relationship, of your ownmarriage, to see where you are
and what you can do to be better, because that's the goal.
None of us are perfect.
None of us will ever be perfect.
None of us is getting it allright.
We can all grow.
Every day we should be tryingto grow.
Every day we should be tryingto be better Better partners,
(21:53):
better spouses, better wives,better husbands.
Every day, we should be tryingto grow to be better.
So I hope today's episode hashelped you Totally helped me.
I actually had thisconversation in my Facebook
community that I told you guysabout last week and it
(22:14):
encouraged me in such a way thatI wanted to come back on the
podcast and talk about it.
So I really hope it helped you.
Share this episode today withsomebody that you know it would
be beneficial to, because we allcould grow in this area of
having difficult conversations,because there's so many of us we
don't want to have thedifficult conversations, but we
need to.
(22:34):
Y'all we really need to.
Our relationships would be insuch a better place if we did
the things that we are avoiding.
Man, if we would just do it, ohhow better our relationships
would be.
But again, I hope that today'sepisode has encouraged you.
Remember I love you, but Godloves you guys so much more and
(22:59):
I'll see you next week.
Bye, I hope you guys haveenjoyed.
Follow me on Facebook.
At Demo with Mo.
If you have any questions youwould like answered here live on
my podcast, email them to me.
At Demo with mo at gmailcom.
(23:21):
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O.
At gmailcom.
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