November 7, 2024 • 45 mins
Unlock the secrets to building meaningful relationships while maintaining privacy as Alexis Thomas and I navigate the delicate balance between confiding and oversharing. Discover why it's crucial to choose the right confidants and how even the most well-intentioned loved ones can sometimes complicate your relationship dynamics. Together, we explore practical strategies to manage emotions, avoid unintended revelations, and seek unbiased advice to ensure the well-being of your relationships.
Explore the importance of trustworthy relationships and the power of honest communication. Alexis and I question the notion of self-sufficiency in companionship, challenging the belief that isolation is the answer. Delve into the biblical perspective on the necessity of human connection and learn how to cultivate a supportive network without falling into the trap of oversharing. We discuss the roles of therapists and counselors as impartial advisors, offering insights into the benefits of turning to these professionals for guidance.
Join us as we tackle the intricacies of communication within relationships, from setting boundaries to navigating the fine line between venting and seeking advice. We address the impact of heated arguments on children, the importance of apologizing to prevent trauma, and the dynamics of advice-giving across generations. I express my heartfelt gratitude to Alexis for her invaluable contributions and extend an invitation to listeners to connect and share their thoughts. Remember, you're not alone in this journey, and we're here to support you every step of the way.
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Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
what's up, guys?
Welcome to demo with mo.
I'm your host, monique simmons.
We'll be discussing dating,engaged and married objectives
from a young christian'sperspective.
Are you guys ready?
Let's dive in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Welcome to a new episode ofDemo with Mo.
(00:28):
I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we're going to be
discussing knowing when and whoto confide in versus not
oversharing.
Today I have a special guestjoining me, and when I say
special, she is a repeat guest,and when I have a guest on
multiple times, that means thisperson is special to me and I
(00:50):
really enjoy diving intoconversations with them.
So, without further ado, Iwould like to introduce Miss
Alexis Thomas.
Alexis, welcome and if youdon't mind, if you could
introduce yourself to let themknow a little bit more about you
.
Hi, my name is Alexis Thomas.
(01:12):
I am a mom of five, I am a wifealmost days, I am habitually
late, I make candles for a sidehustle and I'm also a fraud
analyst for a billion dollarcorporation.
I work remotely, so that makesme comfy and lazy, but overall I
(01:32):
just like to talk a lot.
So I think that's why me and Moget along so well, and I'm just
honored to have been welcomedback.
Awesome introduction, thank youso much for joining me today.
(02:01):
And, as you said, we both liketo talk.
So you think it is that makesus want to open up and confide
or share with others.
Like, what is it that makes uswant to kind of talk to people
and share with them honestly andI can only speak for myself,
and it's just from you know myown observation just basic human
(02:25):
connection.
You know, you get astay-at-home mom who doesn't do
anything to talk to toddlers allday, so when something's wrong
and she's frustrated, she can'ttalk to her partner.
Of course she wants, you know,another outlet.
Um, it could also be somethingas simple as you know wanting to
hear another, you know, idea orscenario from another person.
(02:47):
Because we all process thingsdifferently, like for me, if
somebody was like, hey, girl, myboyfriend said I look fat in
this shirt, I think I'm a, youknow dumb thing.
I know a lot of people like, oh, how dare he?
You know, break up with them.
And then another person mightbe like oh, girl, did you want
him to tell you a lie?
(03:08):
I guess, because if we ask oneof our girlfriends, you know,
hey girl, do I look all right inthis and we say, no, you don't
take it as offensively, but Iknow if it's coming from your
partner, it might not come outso soft.
So I just think we all look forother perspectives from other
people, especially when we don'twant to go to our partner with
(03:29):
it or if we're not ready to goto our partner with it.
That's really good.
So that human connection wewant to be able to connect with
others and also to get others'perspectives and hear their
opinions about things.
Their opinions about thingsthat's really good and it's true
.
I mean, I think that's a,that's a human thing, like I
think we all want to be able toconnect with others, whether
(03:51):
we're honest about that or not,whether we've been hurt in the
past or not, whether we trustpeople or not.
That's a whole thing in uswhere we want to be able to
connect with other people inthat way.
Okay, what qualities should welook for when considering people
we confide in, because I thinkthat's important too.
(04:13):
So what qualities do you thinkwe should look for?
First and foremost, youdefinitely want to talk to
somebody who is honest, and Iknow you know that's not
something that you can tell fromoff the bat about a person
being honest, but if you justpay attention to like their
friend circle, because, despitepeople being like oh I don't
(04:34):
have a lot of girlfriends Ialways been alone with for me
that's a red flag.
You're close to somebody,somebody know your business,
it's somebody you went to.
It's somebody you do compressto.
If it's not your person or ifyou're single, so you know,
that's the first thing that Ilook for.
The second thing that I lookfor is, um, somebody who is okay
(04:58):
with letting me vent first.
You know we get so caught up intrying to make sure a person
knows that we understand wherethey're coming from that we're
trying to interject ourselvesthroughout the story and some
people take that offensivelybecause I'm guilty of it myself.
Some people take thatoffensively and a lot of people
(05:18):
don't like that kind of atheistperson to talk to.
Like you want to be able to getyour excuse my language.
You want to be able to get yourexcuse my language.
You want to be able to get yourdoubt without somebody putting
their stuff into it while you'regetting it out, because then
you forget your thoughts, youforget what you're upset about,
you forget what it really is.
It's something to win about andit kind of becomes.
(05:39):
It kind of becomes afrustrating situation, and then
the last thing that I definitelyfor sure look for is people who
take accountability.
You can't advise me on anythingif you don't own the own demons
or the own skills in yourcloset.
All you're gonna do is teach mehow to sweep my stuff under the
rug, and that's the last thingI'm trying to do.
(06:01):
Okay, so three things I got.
You said honesty people that are, that are honest, people that
allow you to vent and peoplethat take accountability.
One of the first things thatyou said that I want to go back
to for just a second.
You said people that are loners.
(06:24):
Is that a red flag for you, foryou personally?
Because I know everybody isdifferent and I and I.
This is something that thatsticks out to me as well, so
this is kind of why I want to.
I want to stay here for just asecond.
Do you think that's a personalred flag for you?
People that say I don't have tohave friends like you know I'm
(06:46):
my own friend, you know I'm, youknow I do my own thing, you, I
can't trust people like is thata red flag for you?
Oh, absolutely, and it's a bigred flag for me, and not because
I don't think people can't wanta long time or like have the
desire to be around.
It's mostly because, at the endof the day, we all need a
(07:09):
person, especially if they saysomething like oh well, I'm a
loner, I don't need anybody butme, and they have children.
Everybody needs someone, evenif it's their kid.
I don't care how your day hasbeen and I'm so sorry because
the most I apologize.
I don't care how crazy your dayhas been.
If your mom or dad and you havechildren at home, the best,
(07:32):
most favorite part of your day,especially when it's time to
decompress, is going to bewhatever loving or affection you
get from something that youcreated.
You know what I mean.
So for me, yeah, what peoplesay I'm a loner, or I don't have
any friends, or I like to be bymyself, or females just too
messy, or whatever the casemight be, for me it's always a
(07:55):
red flag because you have totalk to somebody and don't get
me wrong, I know people alwaysbeing on the hey, can you, can
you talk to god?
And by all means do that.
I do it and it feels great,however, just being a human, you
have to understand that you aregoing to need to talk to
(08:19):
somebody else always.
It's not a situation where youcan be like, oh, my mom passed.
Let me just hold all of that ininternally and not speak to
anyone.
Even if it's a therapist, youdon't run your mouth to somebody
, because that's how peopledecompress.
If you write it in a journal,that's fine too, but at some
(08:42):
point you're still going to sayit out loud.
A lot of people don't getclosure until things are spoken
out loud, and even then it mightnot give you closure, but it
does give you some kind ofrelief.
And that's not something I pullout my book.
You know that's a whole degreefrom people that taught me that
when I was studying psychology.
You know everybody has to havesome kind of outlet and it's
(09:05):
going to always be some kind ofhuman connection.
This is like people who decideto get what is it?
The pets that you can takeanywhere, the emotional support
animals?
Yeah, you can best believe ifthat person can't find somebody
to talk to, but if they'retalking they can't.
That dog, you're off becauseyou gotta get it.
(09:26):
Because you gotta get it,that's real.
So yeah, that's real.
For me, that will always be ared flag and be like oh, I'm a
loner, I hang out by myself, Ido this for myself and that's
great.
Being comfortable in your skinand being comfortable enough to
do stuff alone, especially inthis generation, that's real
cliquish.
You know, that's admirable, buteverybody needs some kind of
(09:53):
attention somewhere.
If it's a kid, it's your mom,it's your dad, your homegirl,
you've gone to sick pay, it'snever just you.
That's literally impossible.
Yeah, yeah, and that's real.
Even like when you said howpeople use I talk to God.
(10:14):
Like even with that, like yes,we should talk to God, matter of
fact, we should talk to Godfirst.
But even with that sentiment,that's not even biblical.
But even with that sentiment,that's not even biblical when
they use that statement Goddon't expect us to talk to him
and talk to him alone and nothave companionship.
Like God didn't create us to beon the island.
(10:36):
God did not create us to bealone.
That's why he made Eve for Adam, because he didn't want man to
be alone.
Like he want us to havecompanionship.
Like he want us to havecompanionship, we're supposed to
have companionship.
Like that's biblical, even whenpeople say that like that's not
even biblical, sound Like tojust think that God wants us to
(10:57):
only talk to him and not havefriends and not have companions
and not have people in our livesthat we lean on and depend on
and have relationship and beable to confide and talk to.
Like that's not from God, likethat's some stuff we created
because we've been hurt or wedon't trust people or some
(11:17):
things that have happened to usand that's our defenses.
And you know, know trauma andthings we've experienced.
But God didn't do that.
You know God didn't say thatthat's some stuff we created and
we made up.
Okay, do you think there's atime, even when dealing with
people in our lives who aretrustworthy, that we should keep
(11:41):
things to ourselves?
If so, why?
Oh, absolutely, and it's for amultitude of reasons, but I
promise I'll keep it short.
For starters, if it's about yoursignificant other, whether
dating or married, if it's asituation where something has
(12:02):
occurred, we'll say, likecheating has occurred and you
know you're going to go back,keep it to yourself, because you
might forgive and forget, butfriends and family do not, and I
learned that from an older ladyI used to work with.
She's like you know.
She used to tell me, lex, I'vebeen through X, y and Z with my
(12:22):
husband.
She's like and, aside from the,used to tell me at LA, because
I've been through X, y and Zwith my husband, she's like in
the side conversations you and Imight have or I might have with
a very, very dear friend ofmine.
She's like my family, my closefriends.
They don't know what's going on, because I knew I was going
back Because I might not haveliked what he did, but I was
comfortable and happy with mylife, with my financial status
(12:46):
and so on.
So she's like she just learnedto get them in his pockets and
keep it moving.
And you know, it made a lot ofsense.
And then also, when you vent toomuch about your relationship,
it puts people in a position to,I feel like and this is just
from experience it gives peoplethe notion that they're always
(13:11):
allowed to have an opinion, evenif you aren't asking for yes,
yes, and at the end of the day,I'm grown.
So, whether you like thisperson or not, the only person
that has to deal with theconsequence of staying or going
is me, not you, not you and yourfriend, not you and my neighbor
(13:34):
, but me.
And then, of course, thechildren are involved.
You know the kids, but, girl,that's a whole nother I'm not
putting on the table today.
But overall, yeah, definitelylimited, because it can backfire
(13:57):
really fast and really bad.
Yeah, because, like I said,people don't forget.
So you know, in a moment whereyou're distraught or you're
upset or it's an issue, you feellike you will be madder about
it in five minutes, five months,five days, whatever.
Write it down first, calm downfirst and then decide if you
(14:19):
trust somebody enough to speakon it with, but make sure it's
somebody that you can genuinelytrust.
Like in that instance.
I would tell people all thetime pray for a spirit of
discernment when it's time foryou to share things that are
near dear and personal to you,whether it's good news or bad,
because people can be happy foryour damn file and for no
(14:42):
particular reason, just becauseit's you, that's good stuff.
That's good stuff, and I Iagree.
I would also, um, add topiggyback off what you've
already said even when you'redealing with people, and that's
why I added this caveat of whenyou're even dealing with people
that are trustworthy in yourlife, because sometimes you even
(15:05):
have to keep things to yourself, even when dealing with people
that are trustworthy, becausepeople that are trustworthy in
your life, they love you, theyhave your best intentions.
But sometimes, even thosepeople, they can't help but to
(15:26):
be biased because they love you.
I mean, they love you and inthe moment, just like you said,
you can be sad, you can be upset, you can be going through
something, and they can't helpbut be biased because they love
you, because they love you evenwith the best of intentions,
because they love you, becausethey love you even with the best
(15:47):
of intentions, because theylove you.
If you're hurt, if you're sad,if you're upset, if you're
disappointed, they're going tomore than likely be on your side
.
I mean, if we just being realabout it, they're going to be on
your side and you get over itAt the end of the day.
You get over it, you move onwith life, and now they may look
(16:09):
at your partner or your spouseor whoever it is that hurt you
or made you feel the way thatyou was feeling.
They still looking at them sometype of way and you've moved on
.
You went on with life and theystill looking at them some type
of way, and now you've openedthe door to that and you can't
close that door because you openthe door to this.
(16:31):
So sometimes, even when dealingwith people that are
trustworthy, that love you again, who have the best intentions
because and I'm saying all ofthis because I don't want anyone
to hear this and think likewe're speaking ill of anyone or
something's wrong with talkingto certain people or they have
(16:52):
bad intentions no, these peoplecan have the best intentions.
They love you, they want thebest for you.
But even in those cases,sometimes they can't help but be
biased because they love you.
This is why I advocate fortherapy and a third party
counselors, because they don'thave a dog in the fight.
They just want what's best foryour relationship and your
(17:13):
marriage.
That's why I advocate for this.
But sometimes, even when dealingwith people who are trustworthy
and that love you, it's best incertain situations to keep them
out of certain things and I'mnot saying all things, because
you need people you can lean on,that you can confide in it, you
can talk to, that you can seekadvice from different
(17:35):
perspectives from.
But dealing with some certainand certain things in your
relationship, in your marriage,is best to keep certain things
to yourself.
As, alexis, I already said onon certain things in your
relationship, it's best to keepcertain things to yourself.
Okay, now we're going to getinto oversharing.
(17:56):
Okay, oversharing is whensomeone shares too much
information or reveals more thanis appropriate for the
situation.
Why do you think peopleovershare?
Is this something you've donein the past?
(18:16):
Um, absolutely, peopleovershare and it's usually
because I feel like a lack of afeeling.
When you don't really haveanybody to meet to and you
finally do have a connectionwith someone you feel
comfortable enough to do so,it's just going to all spill out
like word vomit, just like whenyou hold in emotions that you
(18:38):
haven't possibly dealt with.
Like your first time sittingdown with your therapist, you
might ask you how you're doing.
You might give her two hours ofeverything that has occurred in
your life because you havenever been afforded the
opportunity to just let it out.
Have I been here that you'reabsolutely, even recently, and
(19:00):
it wasn't even intentional, itjust came out and I was like,
yeah, how did I even look at?
You know switch, but you knowwhen you're riled up and caught
in a moment, especially anger.
That's why I say I try to teachmyself to regulate my emotions
better and write it down first,because in a moment of anger you
(19:21):
can reveal something tosomebody that you never wanted
anybody to know.
And now they're looking at yousideways because they know
something that's super duperpersonal, whether it's about you
or your partner or somethinggoing on in your relationship,
it could be about your parentsand stuff, anything and you know
it just.
(19:41):
It just knows that from there,because they know now.
So even if you go back and like, oh, girl, just okay, but you
said it, yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am.
And let me ask you this if Iwasn't even intending on asking
you this, but now that you yousaid that you opened this door,
I want to.
I want to ask you this how doesit, how does it feel after
(20:04):
oversharing?
Like, do you feel exposed?
Do you feel naked?
Do you feel like you've justopened yourself?
In a way like, what does thatfeel like for me, especially if
I've overshared with the wrongperson?
Like someone that's telling methey're either super judgmental
(20:24):
or very negative or messy,gossipy, whatever the person
might be.
I feel super embarrassed andkind of pissed off at myself
because I'm like girl, you knowbetter what.
What are you doing?
Yeah, you know how to regulateyour emotions, like what are you
doing now?
You got somebody who knowswhat's going on because you
(20:48):
couldn't keep it together longerthan to get back in the vehicle
and just have your moment.
And you know that's a wholenother can of wine to deal with
with people on the outsidelistening in.
You know what I mean, butthat's why I think it's
embarrassment more for self.
If one thing I can pride myselfon is when it comes to anything
(21:10):
in my life, whether it's parentsor relationships.
If I've ever been homeless,broke with a job, whatever, I'm
praying and caring about itbecause, yeah, a lot of things
people choose to use for god,but god uses it to help them and
I have no problem, because youcan't shame me out of something
I already know, don't you know?
She was talking?
Fyd sure did have a blast whileI was doing it with Nick.
(21:33):
It took me a long time to getthat way, but I just wanted to
own my, you know, own my SHIP.
See, I'm doing better with thatperson.
Sorry, I just wanted to own,you know, my stuff and keep the
pushing Because, at the end ofthe day, as long as I'm happy
(21:59):
and as long as I've made mypeace with it.
You know what does it matter?
But in that moment, girlespecially especially if it's
with somebody I know that's likein the past had some ill
feeling and I found out about itat a later time.
Or like said something shadyand I found out about it at a
later time.
Or like said something shadyand I found out about it at a
later time and I know thisperson is not trustworthy and
I've been keeping them at adistance intentionally and I
(22:20):
make it, make it slip up.
I'll grab you, man for days.
Yeah, I understand, Iunderstand.
This next question is goingregarding you and your husband,
and for my listeners who are ina relationship or married when
(22:41):
it comes to your relationship,how do you and your partner feel
about one another, confiding inothers?
For example, are thereboundaries that we can only talk
to these specific, agreed uponpeople or their topics that are
off limits, etc.
(23:03):
Like, is this something thatyou guys have talked about or do
you guys kind of wing it like,is there a discussion about this
?
Um, honestly, it's reallytaking, though.
Is the if things arise like andI say that because there's some
things that he's notcomfortable with discussing with
his best friends that he iswith me, and vice versa, for me
(23:26):
as well.
The only thing that we'vereally come to terms with
overall is keep family out of it.
Okay, just the one thing wehave agreed on is no matter what
the problem is, no matter whatthe issue is, I don't care if
the dog died in the yard or wegot to bury it tomorrow.
(23:48):
That's good.
Keep family out of it.
And we have both ones thatlisten the hard way, and very
recently as well.
So you know, that's really theonly tip list now in terms of
like, if you have, like, anissue in the bedroom, I don't
think either of us discussing itwith anybody.
But we have also learned how topractice how to say it to each
(24:10):
other first, because for a longtime we would like speak to one
another in anger.
So it was a lot of yelling, alot of talking over one another
and there wasn't really anythingbeing accomplished.
Yes, two folks still mad.
Nobody got their point out.
Now we'll both take a sip andbe like hey, let's take a beat
(24:31):
and walk away, because whenstuff gets heated, you know it's
really no way of telling howit'll go.
You know what I mean?
Or like, if the kids are around, because we have had arguments
that have blown up in front ofthe children and it's been like
after the fact, like we reallyshouldn't have done that, and
then we've had to sit them downand listen.
No, hey, this is not what ahealthy relationship looks like.
(24:55):
This is not what a good line ofcommunication looks like.
Mom and dad, you know, areworking themselves also on
properly regulating emotions and, you know, learning to get
things out the pocket way and weapologize.
And you know, for a long time,some of my family members were
like, oh, why do you apologizeto kids?
Because they need to know, youknow.
A long time some of my familymembers like, oh, why do you
apologize to kids?
Because they need to know.
(25:15):
You know, a lot of people don'tlike to admit it after, like,
particularly in the blackhousehold, they don't like to
admit it.
But kids deserve apologies andkids they do explanations,
because when they don't get it,from my personal opinion and my
own childhood experience, that'show you create trauma.
(25:37):
Okay, so for you, what is thedifference between venting and
getting advice or seeking wisecounsel?
Oh, the difference betweenventing and getting advice and
seeking wise counsel.
Oh, the difference between thevenues and getting advice and
supermodels, and ooh, that's agood one, because that line is
(25:58):
really really thin, and I meanlike type of thin, because event
stations can turn into acounselor station real quick,
depending on who you're speakingwith.
I know for me where people cometo me specifically.
I ask them do you want advice?
And they kind of tell me where,which side of the line I'm
(26:18):
supposed to be on with that,because if you're listening in,
then you're not calling foradvice.
So that's why I always have toget them to clarify.
Yeah, either way, though, evenwhen you clarify it, there's
still a really thin line thatcan be easily crossed.
Of course, if I'm following thebeat, I just need to get it out.
I need you to hear me out.
(26:40):
I'm not necessarily okay, Ijust need you to let me say it,
but if I'm calling for canceradvice first, I'm already
emotional.
So please watch your tone.
But you know, tell me something.
Really, that's not already theobvious.
Yeah, whatever he or she did isnecessary.
You know I'm presented withthat work.
(27:01):
It's why I need I don't needyou to repeat that to me, I just
need you to tell me movingforward.
What would you do if I pushedyou enough to even get me that
way.
Okay, got you Okay.
So with venting, you just needto get off your chest how you
feeling, what's going on.
I'm not looking to really hearanything back.
(27:22):
I just need to really get offhow I'm feeling right now, in
this moment.
If you're looking for advice, Iwant to know Don't state to me
the obvious State to me.
If you were in my shoes, whatwould you do going forward?
I'm with you, okay?
This next question.
It's a two-part question.
(27:50):
When you confide in someone, doyou ever feel like you have an
obligation to take their adviceif they give it, and do you
think people that give adviceexpect you to do what they say?
Oh, you know what.
It depends, and I only say thatbecause you know, sometimes we
see ourselves as expert ontopics because we've experienced
(28:12):
it either a lot, or we dealwith it firsthand daily, and so
something like parenting.
If somebody called me and waslike girl, my baby got a rash, I
do X, y and Z to get it done Tome, if I tell you, yeah, yeah,
that's what you need to do, thenI feel like, yeah, that's what
(28:34):
you need to do, because I'vebeen there, done that and I feel
like I'm an expert on it.
Then, yeah, I want you tolisten to me.
If you don't, I won't beoffended.
But yeah, I want you to listenbecause I feel If you don't I
won't be offended.
But yeah, I want you to listenbecause I feel like I know what
I'm talking about and I feel,like with any person who takes
(28:56):
the time to listen to whatanother person has to say and
you feel like that person hasinterested you enough with
something very personal to themto even share the experience,
very personal to them, to evenshare the experience.
Naturally, anybody isn't, youknow wants you to take the
(29:19):
advice that they give.
It's like, girl, if you didn'treally want my advice, you know
why you call me In like an uglyway.
But just like you know, girl,you told me to teach.
So why you, you know, nottaking the advice?
But also, I don't get offendedif it's not taken because, again
, everybody's situation isdifferent and things that you
share in emotion sometimeschange after you've calmed down.
So that advice might have beenvalid in the moment but it's not
(29:44):
valid now because you feeldifferently, because you know
your emotion.
That was attached to whateverit is you're talking to me about
is gone.
So I know, with my experience,when I've been to like older
folks, they expect me to taketheir advice.
And I get it.
Because if I've been here 60,70, 80 years, baby, when I tell
(30:08):
you I've seen some stuff I done,dealt with some stuff and so on
, then yeah, most definitely Ifeel like if you came to me,
baby, I'm finna tell you how itis.
I'm spent all my life not beingblunt.
So you, finna, get it the wayit is and once I say it to you,
I need you to take heed.
Yeah, I definitely feel like,in that aspect, some of my older
(30:30):
friends when I say older I domean like almost elderly friends
expect me to take their adviceand I have had instances where
they've been offended if Ididn't take it, but it was never
anything that was likefriendship breaking, like
they're on top you, you know,type of thing.
(30:52):
So with that, I just feel likeit depends on the person,
because, again, you can't ventto everybody.
You can't ask everyone foradvice, advice that doesn't even
really have a fullcomprehension or understanding
of what's going on in their ownlives or can't own up to the
(31:15):
inner stuff that they alreadyhave going on.
You know what I mean.
Like you can't tell me what todo and you got 15 skeletons that
you don't want to talk about.
That's not to me.
That I won't say you can't giveme advice.
You just can't give me soundadvice.
Like I don't take it becauseright now you know that's what I
(31:37):
, that's what I need right now.
Come out of the top two.
But yeah, am I going to fullyapply what it is?
If you're saying to me probablynot, and I need you to not feel
a way about that, because ifthe shoes on the other shoe and
I was giving you advice in a badplace, I wouldn't expect you to
be like, oh yeah, girl, I'mgonna do that.
(31:59):
And you know I got 19, both ofthat, and a court case and a
felony charge.
You know what I mean, okay, sothis is the last question, and I
usually round up with my guests.
I usually round up the lastquestion with advice for the
(32:22):
listeners, because there may besome people listening who may be
wrestling with the topic or,you know, really contemplating
about the topic, who really mayneed some advice about the
specific thing we're discussingor talking about.
So the last question is whatadvice would you share with the
person listening who is not 100%sure who to confide in, and
(32:46):
when they do, they don't want toovershare, okay.
Well, first things first.
I'm gonna say what my sisterused to tell me um, keep it cute
and keep it on mute.
If you know for sure you can'tget it out without getting into
the emotion of the moment overwhat occurred.
(33:07):
You aren't really ready to bewith somebody who don't fully
trust about it.
But also for people who areshort-minded like me, I got my
mind burned real bad.
So we'll be talking aboutastrophysics, you know whatever
now, and three seconds laterI'll be like girl, let me tell
you what I found.
That's good with you, andyou'll probably be like what,
(33:37):
and it just depends how my brainworks.
So in that aspect, I would alsotell people to write it down
first, like it's okay to writedown what it is that you need to
say so that you can practice.
Practice it, you know.
Write it down, read it back toyourself, see if you can kind of
resolve it on your own.
If you are hesitant aboutbringing a third party into it
and I say a third party becausehistory or something varies
between you and someone else.
So you know really you'rebeefing with yourself.
(33:59):
So that's why I say a thirdparty, but definitely just see
if you can ride it out and like,move it out on your own.
And if you can't, and it's okay.
If you can't, then they're donewith it.
If you can't, just make surewhen you go into the process of
(34:19):
telling them what's wrong, youclarify hey, I need to vent on
this.
Horrific, nothing is reallywrong.
I just feel a way aboutsomething.
I don't need to vent when it'shorrific, nothing is really
wrong.
I just feel a way aboutsomething and I need to get it
out better, process my emotionsor let them know hey, I do need
(34:39):
to vent.
However, I'm seeking some kindof counsel on the back end, from
a place of non-bias.
That's why, for me, my ventwill always not be family and
typically not even friends, justbecause, like you said earlier,
I love you.
You know you're dear to me.
(35:00):
So if I was going to be somekind of bias there because I
love you, so I went with thisfor you, and what you're telling
me right now is something thatyou're expressing that
apparently is not what's best.
So how do you expect me to notfeel you know some kind of way
and I actually learned thatlesson getting to my sister,
because she's like every timesomething's wrong, the x, y, z,
(35:21):
you call me and we get all riledup.
She's like again when you don'twant to talk about it no more,
it's just like boom over it.
She's like, but we still feelyou know some kind of way and I
used to catch your attitude whenshe said that I'm gonna
reasonably caught one.
But I get it because you wantto confide in me about something
that's hurting you, but youdon't want to be upset about it
(35:42):
and it's kind of hard to do that.
So I would, for starters, tellpeople if you can write it down
and take it to God first, ofcourse.
If you're, you know, achurchgoer and you feel better
talking to a pastor, you knowwhat better advice do you get
from somebody that follows Godas well.
You know what I mean.
Any religion, if you reallyjust have somebody you know, you
(36:14):
can just for sure go to and getit all out and everything, come
back in a place of love, nojudgment and so on, then reach
out to that person as well.
Or you could do.
One of my classmates used to dowhen I was an undergrad we would
like go to walmart.
My mom that was 24 hours.
She would be into it with thisguy and whatever random stranger
we ran into while we were atWalmart.
(36:37):
That's who she would be into.
She wouldn't use a fake name.
She's like hey, my name isRebecca, you know, my
boyfriend's name is Solomon andthis is what's going on.
Can I ask you for some advice?
Advice just quick.
And you know most people gonnabe like okay, you know, I'm a
Walmart at two o'clock in themorning, you're a Walmart at two
o'clock in the morning.
We got something in common, sookay, and she used to get her
(37:02):
advice that way and it worked.
But after a while she keptrunning into the same person.
So you know you can't rememberthe name you gave us to get a
little weird.
But you know, just try to finddifferent outlets, do what works
best for you and at the end ofthe day, you know people need to
remember, no matter what it is,that you went to someone.
Don't ever let someone shameyou into feeling like not taking
(37:26):
their advice is like a doomsdaydeal, like oh my god, I can't
believe you didn't do blah, blah, blah, okay and you're.
So.
What life goes on?
Let's take it a little quick.
Just do what works best for you, get it out in whatever way
works best for you, and as longas it's not like a violent
situation where somebody gonnalike pull up if they black man,
(37:49):
you know, if you don't want totake their advice, don't take it
, and that's you know, andthat's okay.
It's just.
You gotta really pray on who youtalk to, though, like you know,
I don't know if the viewersknow and I put myself at the
front there when it comes tolike relationship stuff or like
spiritual stuff.
Even though you and I don'ttalk every day because I got a
(38:10):
lot of kids, girl, it's a lot of, it's a lot.
The first person I'm going tocall when I do get a free moment
and get my thoughts together isyou.
Even if it's a hey girl, justshake an ear, because just
getting like a little bit ofpeace from the energy that you
provide in our friendship kindof be down enough for me to make
my own rational decisions.
But I also trust you enough towhere, if I had to tell you my
(38:32):
style was falling down and why Iknow I can trust you with that
kind of information, especiallyif it's like some heavy.
I need spiritual and friend girladvice type.
It's gonna always be youbecause even though we weren't
(38:52):
like super close to high school,we weren't enemies.
You know, hey girl, what'sgoing on, how you doing, but
also the spirit that you giveout when we do have a
conversation, like when we doour just hey girl, just check it
in.
It's been a couple weekstypically.
That's enough for me to be likeokay, let me, you know, calm
(39:13):
myself down and figure out whatwill Mo say or what will Mo do.
Or let me go back and listen toa podcast and I know that sounds
super cliche, but that's anhonest thing, because you are
the one constant thing that Ihave in my life that doesn't
give advice, whether it's to meor to others, from a place of
(39:36):
emotion, if that makes sense,not saying like you, like you
know, heartless or anything, butlike you go with the facts, you
go with the logic, you onlycomment or give whatever
commentary on what is presentedto you and it doesn't go beyond
that, like it doesn't turn into.
And, girl, if it was me I wouldhave been normal.
(40:02):
You know conversation and, yeah, it's appreciated.
But I don't know if I say itenough, but I love you to death.
I will call you on my deathbedif I had to Just be like girl
one last.
You know one last thing, andthat's just honest, because your
heart is super genuine.
That's why I tell people orthat's why I guess I'm giving
(40:23):
the advice that you have to prayfor a spirit of discernment on
who you vent to, because itmatters, because I know I have
come into your inbox with somewild stuff over the years, girl,
(40:43):
and it's never been repeated,it's never been revealed, it's
always just been well, sis, thisis what I can tell you and I'm
praying for you.
If you need me, I'm here andyou know that's sometimes really
all you need from people.
So I'm, I'm gonna put this onrecord now, just because y'all
know I'll go with her inbox.
(41:06):
That means she is taking.
That is my environment.
But if you have someone like ofmo in your life, that is most
definitely the type of person Iwould suggest that you went to.
And for my loners you know Idon't need anybody's, I mean you
always got the group, just youknow what I mean.
(41:28):
There's an anonymous person andtake it from there.
Seriously, that's real.
That's real and, first of all,thank you for saying that
Seriously, I received it and Iappreciate you for sharing it
and I really appreciate yousaying that and I love you.
(41:49):
I that and I love you.
I love you.
I love you too Seriously, andmy inbox is always open Always,
which you already know that butit's always open.
Thank you so much for agreeingto come on today To my listeners
.
I really hope you enjoyed thisepisode.
I hope you take something fromthis episode.
(42:12):
I hope you, as Alexis said, bediscerning about who you confide
in.
Make sure somebody trustworthy,make sure, if you have any.
I mean anything that feels off,like anything that feels off,
(42:36):
like anything that feels offabout.
Maybe I shouldn't open up tothis person.
You probably shouldn't open upto that person About certain
things that you don't want toget out there, that you don't
want anybody to know about.
Maybe you shouldn't open up tothat person.
But if you have somebody inyour life who has proven
themselves to be about, maybeyou shouldn't open up to that
person.
But if you have somebody inyour life who has proven
themselves to be trustworthy,they don't gossip.
They don't tell you otherpeople's business.
(42:58):
They keep things to themselves.
They're accountable about theirown lives.
They're transparent.
They show themselves asvulnerable.
They even open up aboutthemselves.
Allow yourself to trust them.
Allow yourselves to confide inthem.
Allow yourselves to open up tosomebody.
(43:19):
You're not an island.
You don't have to do life byyourself.
You don't have to figure outeverything on your own.
God did not make you, he didnot create you to do life by
yourself.
And life is hard.
Life is hard.
This is a relationship and amarriage podcast, and
(43:39):
relationship and marriages andraising children and building
families.
Yeah, this stuff is hard.
This ain't no easy stuff, anddoing it by yourself even harder
.
So when you find people in yourlife who are trustworthy again,
who have proven themselves tobe trustworthy, lean on your
(44:00):
people.
Lean on your people Because weneed it, we all need it, we all
need it.
We cannot do this thing calledlife by ourselves.
So, again, I hope you guys haveenjoyed this episode.
Alexis, again, thank you somuch.
I love you, I appreciate you.
You are a blessing, you've beena blessing to me.
(44:22):
You just don't even know.
Guys, remember I love you, butGod loves you so much more and
we'll see you guys next week.
Bye, bye.
I hope you guys have enjoyed.
Follow me on Facebook at Demowith Mo.
(44:43):
If you have any questions youwould like answered here live on
my podcast, email them to me atdemow with mo at gmailcom.
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O atgmailcom.
what's up, guys?
Welcome to demo with mo.
I'm your host, monique simmons.
We'll be discussing dating,engaged and married objectives
from a young christian'sperspective.
Are you guys ready?
Let's dive in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Welcome to a new episode ofDemo with Mo.
(00:28):
I am your host, monique Simmons, and today we're going to be
discussing knowing when and whoto confide in versus not
oversharing.
Today I have a special guestjoining me, and when I say
special, she is a repeat guest,and when I have a guest on
multiple times, that means thisperson is special to me and I
(00:50):
really enjoy diving intoconversations with them.
So, without further ado, Iwould like to introduce Miss
Alexis Thomas.
Alexis, welcome and if youdon't mind, if you could
introduce yourself to let themknow a little bit more about you
.
Hi, my name is Alexis Thomas.
(01:12):
I am a mom of five, I am a wifealmost days, I am habitually
late, I make candles for a sidehustle and I'm also a fraud
analyst for a billion dollarcorporation.
I work remotely, so that makesme comfy and lazy, but overall I
(01:32):
just like to talk a lot.
So I think that's why me and Moget along so well, and I'm just
honored to have been welcomedback.
Awesome introduction, thank youso much for joining me today.
(02:01):
And, as you said, we both liketo talk.
So you think it is that makesus want to open up and confide
or share with others.
Like, what is it that makes uswant to kind of talk to people
and share with them honestly andI can only speak for myself,
and it's just from you know myown observation just basic human
(02:25):
connection.
You know, you get astay-at-home mom who doesn't do
anything to talk to toddlers allday, so when something's wrong
and she's frustrated, she can'ttalk to her partner.
Of course she wants, you know,another outlet.
Um, it could also be somethingas simple as you know wanting to
hear another, you know, idea orscenario from another person.
(02:47):
Because we all process thingsdifferently, like for me, if
somebody was like, hey, girl, myboyfriend said I look fat in
this shirt, I think I'm a, youknow dumb thing.
I know a lot of people like, oh, how dare he?
You know, break up with them.
And then another person mightbe like oh, girl, did you want
him to tell you a lie?
(03:08):
I guess, because if we ask oneof our girlfriends, you know,
hey girl, do I look all right inthis and we say, no, you don't
take it as offensively, but Iknow if it's coming from your
partner, it might not come outso soft.
So I just think we all look forother perspectives from other
people, especially when we don'twant to go to our partner with
(03:29):
it or if we're not ready to goto our partner with it.
That's really good.
So that human connection wewant to be able to connect with
others and also to get others'perspectives and hear their
opinions about things.
Their opinions about thingsthat's really good and it's true
.
I mean, I think that's a,that's a human thing, like I
think we all want to be able toconnect with others, whether
(03:51):
we're honest about that or not,whether we've been hurt in the
past or not, whether we trustpeople or not.
That's a whole thing in uswhere we want to be able to
connect with other people inthat way.
Okay, what qualities should welook for when considering people
we confide in, because I thinkthat's important too.
(04:13):
So what qualities do you thinkwe should look for?
First and foremost, youdefinitely want to talk to
somebody who is honest, and Iknow you know that's not
something that you can tell fromoff the bat about a person
being honest, but if you justpay attention to like their
friend circle, because, despitepeople being like oh I don't
(04:34):
have a lot of girlfriends Ialways been alone with for me
that's a red flag.
You're close to somebody,somebody know your business,
it's somebody you went to.
It's somebody you do compressto.
If it's not your person or ifyou're single, so you know,
that's the first thing that Ilook for.
The second thing that I lookfor is, um, somebody who is okay
(04:58):
with letting me vent first.
You know we get so caught up intrying to make sure a person
knows that we understand wherethey're coming from that we're
trying to interject ourselvesthroughout the story and some
people take that offensivelybecause I'm guilty of it myself.
Some people take thatoffensively and a lot of people
(05:18):
don't like that kind of atheistperson to talk to.
Like you want to be able to getyour excuse my language.
You want to be able to get yourexcuse my language.
You want to be able to get yourdoubt without somebody putting
their stuff into it while you'regetting it out, because then
you forget your thoughts, youforget what you're upset about,
you forget what it really is.
It's something to win about andit kind of becomes.
(05:39):
It kind of becomes afrustrating situation, and then
the last thing that I definitelyfor sure look for is people who
take accountability.
You can't advise me on anythingif you don't own the own demons
or the own skills in yourcloset.
All you're gonna do is teach mehow to sweep my stuff under the
rug, and that's the last thingI'm trying to do.
(06:01):
Okay, so three things I got.
You said honesty people that are, that are honest, people that
allow you to vent and peoplethat take accountability.
One of the first things thatyou said that I want to go back
to for just a second.
You said people that are loners.
(06:24):
Is that a red flag for you, foryou personally?
Because I know everybody isdifferent and I and I.
This is something that thatsticks out to me as well, so
this is kind of why I want to.
I want to stay here for just asecond.
Do you think that's a personalred flag for you?
People that say I don't have tohave friends like you know I'm
(06:46):
my own friend, you know I'm, youknow I do my own thing, you, I
can't trust people like is thata red flag for you?
Oh, absolutely, and it's a bigred flag for me, and not because
I don't think people can't wanta long time or like have the
desire to be around.
It's mostly because, at the endof the day, we all need a
(07:09):
person, especially if they saysomething like oh well, I'm a
loner, I don't need anybody butme, and they have children.
Everybody needs someone, evenif it's their kid.
I don't care how your day hasbeen and I'm so sorry because
the most I apologize.
I don't care how crazy your dayhas been.
If your mom or dad and you havechildren at home, the best,
(07:32):
most favorite part of your day,especially when it's time to
decompress, is going to bewhatever loving or affection you
get from something that youcreated.
You know what I mean.
So for me, yeah, what peoplesay I'm a loner, or I don't have
any friends, or I like to be bymyself, or females just too
messy, or whatever the casemight be, for me it's always a
(07:55):
red flag because you have totalk to somebody and don't get
me wrong, I know people alwaysbeing on the hey, can you, can
you talk to god?
And by all means do that.
I do it and it feels great,however, just being a human, you
have to understand that you aregoing to need to talk to
(08:19):
somebody else always.
It's not a situation where youcan be like, oh, my mom passed.
Let me just hold all of that ininternally and not speak to
anyone.
Even if it's a therapist, youdon't run your mouth to somebody
, because that's how peopledecompress.
If you write it in a journal,that's fine too, but at some
(08:42):
point you're still going to sayit out loud.
A lot of people don't getclosure until things are spoken
out loud, and even then it mightnot give you closure, but it
does give you some kind ofrelief.
And that's not something I pullout my book.
You know that's a whole degreefrom people that taught me that
when I was studying psychology.
You know everybody has to havesome kind of outlet and it's
(09:05):
going to always be some kind ofhuman connection.
This is like people who decideto get what is it?
The pets that you can takeanywhere, the emotional support
animals?
Yeah, you can best believe ifthat person can't find somebody
to talk to, but if they'retalking they can't.
That dog, you're off becauseyou gotta get it.
(09:26):
Because you gotta get it,that's real.
So yeah, that's real.
For me, that will always be ared flag and be like oh, I'm a
loner, I hang out by myself, Ido this for myself and that's
great.
Being comfortable in your skinand being comfortable enough to
do stuff alone, especially inthis generation, that's real
cliquish.
You know, that's admirable, buteverybody needs some kind of
(09:53):
attention somewhere.
If it's a kid, it's your mom,it's your dad, your homegirl,
you've gone to sick pay, it'snever just you.
That's literally impossible.
Yeah, yeah, and that's real.
Even like when you said howpeople use I talk to God.
(10:14):
Like even with that, like yes,we should talk to God, matter of
fact, we should talk to Godfirst.
But even with that sentiment,that's not even biblical.
But even with that sentiment,that's not even biblical when
they use that statement Goddon't expect us to talk to him
and talk to him alone and nothave companionship.
Like God didn't create us to beon the island.
(10:36):
God did not create us to bealone.
That's why he made Eve for Adam, because he didn't want man to
be alone.
Like he want us to havecompanionship.
Like he want us to havecompanionship, we're supposed to
have companionship.
Like that's biblical, even whenpeople say that like that's not
even biblical, sound Like tojust think that God wants us to
(10:57):
only talk to him and not havefriends and not have companions
and not have people in our livesthat we lean on and depend on
and have relationship and beable to confide and talk to.
Like that's not from God, likethat's some stuff we created
because we've been hurt or wedon't trust people or some
(11:17):
things that have happened to usand that's our defenses.
And you know, know trauma andthings we've experienced.
But God didn't do that.
You know God didn't say thatthat's some stuff we created and
we made up.
Okay, do you think there's atime, even when dealing with
people in our lives who aretrustworthy, that we should keep
(11:41):
things to ourselves?
If so, why?
Oh, absolutely, and it's for amultitude of reasons, but I
promise I'll keep it short.
For starters, if it's about yoursignificant other, whether
dating or married, if it's asituation where something has
(12:02):
occurred, we'll say, likecheating has occurred and you
know you're going to go back,keep it to yourself, because you
might forgive and forget, butfriends and family do not, and I
learned that from an older ladyI used to work with.
She's like you know.
She used to tell me, lex, I'vebeen through X, y and Z with my
(12:22):
husband.
She's like and, aside from the,used to tell me at LA, because
I've been through X, y and Zwith my husband, she's like in
the side conversations you and Imight have or I might have with
a very, very dear friend ofmine.
She's like my family, my closefriends.
They don't know what's going on, because I knew I was going
back Because I might not haveliked what he did, but I was
comfortable and happy with mylife, with my financial status
(12:46):
and so on.
So she's like she just learnedto get them in his pockets and
keep it moving.
And you know, it made a lot ofsense.
And then also, when you vent toomuch about your relationship,
it puts people in a position to,I feel like and this is just
from experience it gives peoplethe notion that they're always
(13:11):
allowed to have an opinion, evenif you aren't asking for yes,
yes, and at the end of the day,I'm grown.
So, whether you like thisperson or not, the only person
that has to deal with theconsequence of staying or going
is me, not you, not you and yourfriend, not you and my neighbor
(13:34):
, but me.
And then, of course, thechildren are involved.
You know the kids, but, girl,that's a whole nother I'm not
putting on the table today.
But overall, yeah, definitelylimited, because it can backfire
(13:57):
really fast and really bad.
Yeah, because, like I said,people don't forget.
So you know, in a moment whereyou're distraught or you're
upset or it's an issue, you feellike you will be madder about
it in five minutes, five months,five days, whatever.
Write it down first, calm downfirst and then decide if you
(14:19):
trust somebody enough to speakon it with, but make sure it's
somebody that you can genuinelytrust.
Like in that instance.
I would tell people all thetime pray for a spirit of
discernment when it's time foryou to share things that are
near dear and personal to you,whether it's good news or bad,
because people can be happy foryour damn file and for no
(14:42):
particular reason, just becauseit's you, that's good stuff.
That's good stuff, and I Iagree.
I would also, um, add topiggyback off what you've
already said even when you'redealing with people, and that's
why I added this caveat of whenyou're even dealing with people
that are trustworthy in yourlife, because sometimes you even
(15:05):
have to keep things to yourself, even when dealing with people
that are trustworthy, becausepeople that are trustworthy in
your life, they love you, theyhave your best intentions.
But sometimes, even thosepeople, they can't help but to
(15:26):
be biased because they love you.
I mean, they love you and inthe moment, just like you said,
you can be sad, you can be upset, you can be going through
something, and they can't helpbut be biased because they love
you, because they love you evenwith the best of intentions,
because they love you, becausethey love you even with the best
(15:47):
of intentions, because theylove you.
If you're hurt, if you're sad,if you're upset, if you're
disappointed, they're going tomore than likely be on your side
.
I mean, if we just being realabout it, they're going to be on
your side and you get over itAt the end of the day.
You get over it, you move onwith life, and now they may look
(16:09):
at your partner or your spouseor whoever it is that hurt you
or made you feel the way thatyou was feeling.
They still looking at them sometype of way and you've moved on
.
You went on with life and theystill looking at them some type
of way, and now you've openedthe door to that and you can't
close that door because you openthe door to this.
(16:31):
So sometimes, even when dealingwith people that are
trustworthy, that love you again, who have the best intentions
because and I'm saying all ofthis because I don't want anyone
to hear this and think likewe're speaking ill of anyone or
something's wrong with talkingto certain people or they have
(16:52):
bad intentions no, these peoplecan have the best intentions.
They love you, they want thebest for you.
But even in those cases,sometimes they can't help but be
biased because they love you.
This is why I advocate fortherapy and a third party
counselors, because they don'thave a dog in the fight.
They just want what's best foryour relationship and your
(17:13):
marriage.
That's why I advocate for this.
But sometimes, even when dealingwith people who are trustworthy
and that love you, it's best incertain situations to keep them
out of certain things and I'mnot saying all things, because
you need people you can lean on,that you can confide in it, you
can talk to, that you can seekadvice from different
(17:35):
perspectives from.
But dealing with some certainand certain things in your
relationship, in your marriage,is best to keep certain things
to yourself.
As, alexis, I already said onon certain things in your
relationship, it's best to keepcertain things to yourself.
Okay, now we're going to getinto oversharing.
(17:56):
Okay, oversharing is whensomeone shares too much
information or reveals more thanis appropriate for the
situation.
Why do you think peopleovershare?
Is this something you've donein the past?
(18:16):
Um, absolutely, peopleovershare and it's usually
because I feel like a lack of afeeling.
When you don't really haveanybody to meet to and you
finally do have a connectionwith someone you feel
comfortable enough to do so,it's just going to all spill out
like word vomit, just like whenyou hold in emotions that you
(18:38):
haven't possibly dealt with.
Like your first time sittingdown with your therapist, you
might ask you how you're doing.
You might give her two hours ofeverything that has occurred in
your life because you havenever been afforded the
opportunity to just let it out.
Have I been here that you'reabsolutely, even recently, and
(19:00):
it wasn't even intentional, itjust came out and I was like,
yeah, how did I even look at?
You know switch, but you knowwhen you're riled up and caught
in a moment, especially anger.
That's why I say I try to teachmyself to regulate my emotions
better and write it down first,because in a moment of anger you
(19:21):
can reveal something tosomebody that you never wanted
anybody to know.
And now they're looking at yousideways because they know
something that's super duperpersonal, whether it's about you
or your partner or somethinggoing on in your relationship,
it could be about your parentsand stuff, anything and you know
it just.
(19:41):
It just knows that from there,because they know now.
So even if you go back and like, oh, girl, just okay, but you
said it, yes, ma'am, yes, ma'am.
And let me ask you this if Iwasn't even intending on asking
you this, but now that you yousaid that you opened this door,
I want to.
I want to ask you this how doesit, how does it feel after
(20:04):
oversharing?
Like, do you feel exposed?
Do you feel naked?
Do you feel like you've justopened yourself?
In a way like, what does thatfeel like for me, especially if
I've overshared with the wrongperson?
Like someone that's telling methey're either super judgmental
(20:24):
or very negative or messy,gossipy, whatever the person
might be.
I feel super embarrassed andkind of pissed off at myself
because I'm like girl, you knowbetter what.
What are you doing?
Yeah, you know how to regulateyour emotions, like what are you
doing now?
You got somebody who knowswhat's going on because you
(20:48):
couldn't keep it together longerthan to get back in the vehicle
and just have your moment.
And you know that's a wholenother can of wine to deal with
with people on the outsidelistening in.
You know what I mean, butthat's why I think it's
embarrassment more for self.
If one thing I can pride myselfon is when it comes to anything
(21:10):
in my life, whether it's parentsor relationships.
If I've ever been homeless,broke with a job, whatever, I'm
praying and caring about itbecause, yeah, a lot of things
people choose to use for god,but god uses it to help them and
I have no problem, because youcan't shame me out of something
I already know, don't you know?
She was talking?
Fyd sure did have a blast whileI was doing it with Nick.
(21:33):
It took me a long time to getthat way, but I just wanted to
own my, you know, own my SHIP.
See, I'm doing better with thatperson.
Sorry, I just wanted to own,you know, my stuff and keep the
pushing Because, at the end ofthe day, as long as I'm happy
(21:59):
and as long as I've made mypeace with it.
You know what does it matter?
But in that moment, girlespecially especially if it's
with somebody I know that's likein the past had some ill
feeling and I found out about itat a later time.
Or like said something shadyand I found out about it at a
later time.
Or like said something shadyand I found out about it at a
later time and I know thisperson is not trustworthy and
I've been keeping them at adistance intentionally and I
(22:20):
make it, make it slip up.
I'll grab you, man for days.
Yeah, I understand, Iunderstand.
This next question is goingregarding you and your husband,
and for my listeners who are ina relationship or married when
(22:41):
it comes to your relationship,how do you and your partner feel
about one another, confiding inothers?
For example, are thereboundaries that we can only talk
to these specific, agreed uponpeople or their topics that are
off limits, etc.
(23:03):
Like, is this something thatyou guys have talked about or do
you guys kind of wing it like,is there a discussion about this
?
Um, honestly, it's reallytaking, though.
Is the if things arise like andI say that because there's some
things that he's notcomfortable with discussing with
his best friends that he iswith me, and vice versa, for me
(23:26):
as well.
The only thing that we'vereally come to terms with
overall is keep family out of it.
Okay, just the one thing wehave agreed on is no matter what
the problem is, no matter whatthe issue is, I don't care if
the dog died in the yard or wegot to bury it tomorrow.
(23:48):
That's good.
Keep family out of it.
And we have both ones thatlisten the hard way, and very
recently as well.
So you know, that's really theonly tip list now in terms of
like, if you have, like, anissue in the bedroom, I don't
think either of us discussing itwith anybody.
But we have also learned how topractice how to say it to each
(24:10):
other first, because for a longtime we would like speak to one
another in anger.
So it was a lot of yelling, alot of talking over one another
and there wasn't really anythingbeing accomplished.
Yes, two folks still mad.
Nobody got their point out.
Now we'll both take a sip andbe like hey, let's take a beat
(24:31):
and walk away, because whenstuff gets heated, you know it's
really no way of telling howit'll go.
You know what I mean?
Or like, if the kids are around, because we have had arguments
that have blown up in front ofthe children and it's been like
after the fact, like we reallyshouldn't have done that, and
then we've had to sit them downand listen.
No, hey, this is not what ahealthy relationship looks like.
(24:55):
This is not what a good line ofcommunication looks like.
Mom and dad, you know, areworking themselves also on
properly regulating emotions and, you know, learning to get
things out the pocket way and weapologize.
And you know, for a long time,some of my family members were
like, oh, why do you apologizeto kids?
Because they need to know, youknow.
A long time some of my familymembers like, oh, why do you
apologize to kids?
Because they need to know.
(25:15):
You know, a lot of people don'tlike to admit it after, like,
particularly in the blackhousehold, they don't like to
admit it.
But kids deserve apologies andkids they do explanations,
because when they don't get it,from my personal opinion and my
own childhood experience, that'show you create trauma.
(25:37):
Okay, so for you, what is thedifference between venting and
getting advice or seeking wisecounsel?
Oh, the difference betweenventing and getting advice and
seeking wise counsel.
Oh, the difference between thevenues and getting advice and
supermodels, and ooh, that's agood one, because that line is
(25:58):
really really thin, and I meanlike type of thin, because event
stations can turn into acounselor station real quick,
depending on who you're speakingwith.
I know for me where people cometo me specifically.
I ask them do you want advice?
And they kind of tell me where,which side of the line I'm
(26:18):
supposed to be on with that,because if you're listening in,
then you're not calling foradvice.
So that's why I always have toget them to clarify.
Yeah, either way, though, evenwhen you clarify it, there's
still a really thin line thatcan be easily crossed.
Of course, if I'm following thebeat, I just need to get it out.
I need you to hear me out.
(26:40):
I'm not necessarily okay, Ijust need you to let me say it,
but if I'm calling for canceradvice first, I'm already
emotional.
So please watch your tone.
But you know, tell me something.
Really, that's not already theobvious.
Yeah, whatever he or she did isnecessary.
You know I'm presented withthat work.
(27:01):
It's why I need I don't needyou to repeat that to me, I just
need you to tell me movingforward.
What would you do if I pushedyou enough to even get me that
way.
Okay, got you Okay.
So with venting, you just needto get off your chest how you
feeling, what's going on.
I'm not looking to really hearanything back.
(27:22):
I just need to really get offhow I'm feeling right now, in
this moment.
If you're looking for advice, Iwant to know Don't state to me
the obvious State to me.
If you were in my shoes, whatwould you do going forward?
I'm with you, okay?
This next question.
It's a two-part question.
(27:50):
When you confide in someone, doyou ever feel like you have an
obligation to take their adviceif they give it, and do you
think people that give adviceexpect you to do what they say?
Oh, you know what.
It depends, and I only say thatbecause you know, sometimes we
see ourselves as expert ontopics because we've experienced
(28:12):
it either a lot, or we dealwith it firsthand daily, and so
something like parenting.
If somebody called me and waslike girl, my baby got a rash, I
do X, y and Z to get it done Tome, if I tell you, yeah, yeah,
that's what you need to do, thenI feel like, yeah, that's what
(28:34):
you need to do, because I'vebeen there, done that and I feel
like I'm an expert on it.
Then, yeah, I want you tolisten to me.
If you don't, I won't beoffended.
But yeah, I want you to listenbecause I feel If you don't I
won't be offended.
But yeah, I want you to listenbecause I feel like I know what
I'm talking about and I feel,like with any person who takes
(28:56):
the time to listen to whatanother person has to say and
you feel like that person hasinterested you enough with
something very personal to themto even share the experience,
very personal to them, to evenshare the experience.
Naturally, anybody isn't, youknow wants you to take the
(29:19):
advice that they give.
It's like, girl, if you didn'treally want my advice, you know
why you call me In like an uglyway.
But just like you know, girl,you told me to teach.
So why you, you know, nottaking the advice?
But also, I don't get offendedif it's not taken because, again
, everybody's situation isdifferent and things that you
share in emotion sometimeschange after you've calmed down.
So that advice might have beenvalid in the moment but it's not
(29:44):
valid now because you feeldifferently, because you know
your emotion.
That was attached to whateverit is you're talking to me about
is gone.
So I know, with my experience,when I've been to like older
folks, they expect me to taketheir advice.
And I get it.
Because if I've been here 60,70, 80 years, baby, when I tell
(30:08):
you I've seen some stuff I done,dealt with some stuff and so on
, then yeah, most definitely Ifeel like if you came to me,
baby, I'm finna tell you how itis.
I'm spent all my life not beingblunt.
So you, finna, get it the wayit is and once I say it to you,
I need you to take heed.
Yeah, I definitely feel like,in that aspect, some of my older
(30:30):
friends when I say older I domean like almost elderly friends
expect me to take their adviceand I have had instances where
they've been offended if Ididn't take it, but it was never
anything that was likefriendship breaking, like
they're on top you, you know,type of thing.
(30:52):
So with that, I just feel likeit depends on the person,
because, again, you can't ventto everybody.
You can't ask everyone foradvice, advice that doesn't even
really have a fullcomprehension or understanding
of what's going on in their ownlives or can't own up to the
(31:15):
inner stuff that they alreadyhave going on.
You know what I mean.
Like you can't tell me what todo and you got 15 skeletons that
you don't want to talk about.
That's not to me.
That I won't say you can't giveme advice.
You just can't give me soundadvice.
Like I don't take it becauseright now you know that's what I
(31:37):
, that's what I need right now.
Come out of the top two.
But yeah, am I going to fullyapply what it is?
If you're saying to me probablynot, and I need you to not feel
a way about that, because ifthe shoes on the other shoe and
I was giving you advice in a badplace, I wouldn't expect you to
be like, oh yeah, girl, I'mgonna do that.
(31:59):
And you know I got 19, both ofthat, and a court case and a
felony charge.
You know what I mean, okay, sothis is the last question, and I
usually round up with my guests.
I usually round up the lastquestion with advice for the
(32:22):
listeners, because there may besome people listening who may be
wrestling with the topic or,you know, really contemplating
about the topic, who really mayneed some advice about the
specific thing we're discussingor talking about.
So the last question is whatadvice would you share with the
person listening who is not 100%sure who to confide in, and
(32:46):
when they do, they don't want toovershare, okay.
Well, first things first.
I'm gonna say what my sisterused to tell me um, keep it cute
and keep it on mute.
If you know for sure you can'tget it out without getting into
the emotion of the moment overwhat occurred.
(33:07):
You aren't really ready to bewith somebody who don't fully
trust about it.
But also for people who areshort-minded like me, I got my
mind burned real bad.
So we'll be talking aboutastrophysics, you know whatever
now, and three seconds laterI'll be like girl, let me tell
you what I found.
That's good with you, andyou'll probably be like what,
(33:37):
and it just depends how my brainworks.
So in that aspect, I would alsotell people to write it down
first, like it's okay to writedown what it is that you need to
say so that you can practice.
Practice it, you know.
Write it down, read it back toyourself, see if you can kind of
resolve it on your own.
If you are hesitant aboutbringing a third party into it
and I say a third party becausehistory or something varies
between you and someone else.
So you know really you'rebeefing with yourself.
(33:59):
So that's why I say a thirdparty, but definitely just see
if you can ride it out and like,move it out on your own.
And if you can't, and it's okay.
If you can't, then they're donewith it.
If you can't, just make surewhen you go into the process of
(34:19):
telling them what's wrong, youclarify hey, I need to vent on
this.
Horrific, nothing is reallywrong.
I just feel a way aboutsomething.
I don't need to vent when it'shorrific, nothing is really
wrong.
I just feel a way aboutsomething and I need to get it
out better, process my emotionsor let them know hey, I do need
(34:39):
to vent.
However, I'm seeking some kindof counsel on the back end, from
a place of non-bias.
That's why, for me, my ventwill always not be family and
typically not even friends, justbecause, like you said earlier,
I love you.
You know you're dear to me.
(35:00):
So if I was going to be somekind of bias there because I
love you, so I went with thisfor you, and what you're telling
me right now is something thatyou're expressing that
apparently is not what's best.
So how do you expect me to notfeel you know some kind of way
and I actually learned thatlesson getting to my sister,
because she's like every timesomething's wrong, the x, y, z,
(35:21):
you call me and we get all riledup.
She's like again when you don'twant to talk about it no more,
it's just like boom over it.
She's like, but we still feelyou know some kind of way and I
used to catch your attitude whenshe said that I'm gonna
reasonably caught one.
But I get it because you wantto confide in me about something
that's hurting you, but youdon't want to be upset about it
(35:42):
and it's kind of hard to do that.
So I would, for starters, tellpeople if you can write it down
and take it to God first, ofcourse.
If you're, you know, achurchgoer and you feel better
talking to a pastor, you knowwhat better advice do you get
from somebody that follows Godas well.
You know what I mean.
Any religion, if you reallyjust have somebody you know, you
(36:14):
can just for sure go to and getit all out and everything, come
back in a place of love, nojudgment and so on, then reach
out to that person as well.
Or you could do.
One of my classmates used to dowhen I was an undergrad we would
like go to walmart.
My mom that was 24 hours.
She would be into it with thisguy and whatever random stranger
we ran into while we were atWalmart.
(36:37):
That's who she would be into.
She wouldn't use a fake name.
She's like hey, my name isRebecca, you know, my
boyfriend's name is Solomon andthis is what's going on.
Can I ask you for some advice?
Advice just quick.
And you know most people gonnabe like okay, you know, I'm a
Walmart at two o'clock in themorning, you're a Walmart at two
o'clock in the morning.
We got something in common, sookay, and she used to get her
(37:02):
advice that way and it worked.
But after a while she keptrunning into the same person.
So you know you can't rememberthe name you gave us to get a
little weird.
But you know, just try to finddifferent outlets, do what works
best for you and at the end ofthe day, you know people need to
remember, no matter what it is,that you went to someone.
Don't ever let someone shameyou into feeling like not taking
(37:26):
their advice is like a doomsdaydeal, like oh my god, I can't
believe you didn't do blah, blah, blah, okay and you're.
So.
What life goes on?
Let's take it a little quick.
Just do what works best for you, get it out in whatever way
works best for you, and as longas it's not like a violent
situation where somebody gonnalike pull up if they black man,
(37:49):
you know, if you don't want totake their advice, don't take it
, and that's you know, andthat's okay.
It's just.
You gotta really pray on who youtalk to, though, like you know,
I don't know if the viewersknow and I put myself at the
front there when it comes tolike relationship stuff or like
spiritual stuff.
Even though you and I don'ttalk every day because I got a
(38:10):
lot of kids, girl, it's a lot of, it's a lot.
The first person I'm going tocall when I do get a free moment
and get my thoughts together isyou.
Even if it's a hey girl, justshake an ear, because just
getting like a little bit ofpeace from the energy that you
provide in our friendship kindof be down enough for me to make
my own rational decisions.
But I also trust you enough towhere, if I had to tell you my
(38:32):
style was falling down and why Iknow I can trust you with that
kind of information, especiallyif it's like some heavy.
I need spiritual and friend girladvice type.
It's gonna always be youbecause even though we weren't
(38:52):
like super close to high school,we weren't enemies.
You know, hey girl, what'sgoing on, how you doing, but
also the spirit that you giveout when we do have a
conversation, like when we doour just hey girl, just check it
in.
It's been a couple weekstypically.
That's enough for me to be likeokay, let me, you know, calm
(39:13):
myself down and figure out whatwill Mo say or what will Mo do.
Or let me go back and listen toa podcast and I know that sounds
super cliche, but that's anhonest thing, because you are
the one constant thing that Ihave in my life that doesn't
give advice, whether it's to meor to others, from a place of
(39:36):
emotion, if that makes sense,not saying like you, like you
know, heartless or anything, butlike you go with the facts, you
go with the logic, you onlycomment or give whatever
commentary on what is presentedto you and it doesn't go beyond
that, like it doesn't turn into.
And, girl, if it was me I wouldhave been normal.
(40:02):
You know conversation and, yeah, it's appreciated.
But I don't know if I say itenough, but I love you to death.
I will call you on my deathbedif I had to Just be like girl
one last.
You know one last thing, andthat's just honest, because your
heart is super genuine.
That's why I tell people orthat's why I guess I'm giving
(40:23):
the advice that you have to prayfor a spirit of discernment on
who you vent to, because itmatters, because I know I have
come into your inbox with somewild stuff over the years, girl,
(40:43):
and it's never been repeated,it's never been revealed, it's
always just been well, sis, thisis what I can tell you and I'm
praying for you.
If you need me, I'm here andyou know that's sometimes really
all you need from people.
So I'm, I'm gonna put this onrecord now, just because y'all
know I'll go with her inbox.
(41:06):
That means she is taking.
That is my environment.
But if you have someone like ofmo in your life, that is most
definitely the type of person Iwould suggest that you went to.
And for my loners you know Idon't need anybody's, I mean you
always got the group, just youknow what I mean.
(41:28):
There's an anonymous person andtake it from there.
Seriously, that's real.
That's real and, first of all,thank you for saying that
Seriously, I received it and Iappreciate you for sharing it
and I really appreciate yousaying that and I love you.
(41:49):
I that and I love you.
I love you.
I love you too Seriously, andmy inbox is always open Always,
which you already know that butit's always open.
Thank you so much for agreeingto come on today To my listeners
.
I really hope you enjoyed thisepisode.
I hope you take something fromthis episode.
(42:12):
I hope you, as Alexis said, bediscerning about who you confide
in.
Make sure somebody trustworthy,make sure, if you have any.
I mean anything that feels off,like anything that feels off,
(42:36):
like anything that feels offabout.
Maybe I shouldn't open up tothis person.
You probably shouldn't open upto that person About certain
things that you don't want toget out there, that you don't
want anybody to know about.
Maybe you shouldn't open up tothat person.
But if you have somebody inyour life who has proven
themselves to be about, maybeyou shouldn't open up to that
person.
But if you have somebody inyour life who has proven
themselves to be trustworthy,they don't gossip.
They don't tell you otherpeople's business.
(42:58):
They keep things to themselves.
They're accountable about theirown lives.
They're transparent.
They show themselves asvulnerable.
They even open up aboutthemselves.
Allow yourself to trust them.
Allow yourselves to confide inthem.
Allow yourselves to open up tosomebody.
(43:19):
You're not an island.
You don't have to do life byyourself.
You don't have to figure outeverything on your own.
God did not make you, he didnot create you to do life by
yourself.
And life is hard.
Life is hard.
This is a relationship and amarriage podcast, and
(43:39):
relationship and marriages andraising children and building
families.
Yeah, this stuff is hard.
This ain't no easy stuff, anddoing it by yourself even harder
.
So when you find people in yourlife who are trustworthy again,
who have proven themselves tobe trustworthy, lean on your
(44:00):
people.
Lean on your people Because weneed it, we all need it, we all
need it.
We cannot do this thing calledlife by ourselves.
So, again, I hope you guys haveenjoyed this episode.
Alexis, again, thank you somuch.
I love you, I appreciate you.
You are a blessing, you've beena blessing to me.
(44:22):
You just don't even know.
Guys, remember I love you, butGod loves you so much more and
we'll see you guys next week.
Bye, bye.
I hope you guys have enjoyed.
Follow me on Facebook at Demowith Mo.
(44:43):
If you have any questions youwould like answered here live on
my podcast, email them to me atdemow with mo at gmailcom.
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O atgmailcom.
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