August 8, 2024 • 56 mins
What if you discovered that one of the most important people in your life wasn’t who you thought they were? Join us for a truly unique episode as Monique Simmons passes the microphone to her close friend and therapist, Ashley Jenkins, for a candid and emotional conversation. Monique shares the raw and personal journey of discovering that her father is not her biological father, a revelation that began to come to light during her parents' separation when she was just 19. Together, they discuss the intricate process of addressing this revelation privately within the family and through therapy, emphasizing the importance of bringing authentic and vulnerable experiences to light to help others navigate their challenges.
As Monique recounts cherished memories like learning to drive with her dad, she reflects on the complexity of relationships that transcend biological ties. Listen to how she navigated the emotional terrain over 16 years, culminating in a paternity test that confirmed the truth just before Mother's Day. The conversation also touches on themes of grief and the evolution of relationships. Monique’s story offers a powerful reminder of the resilience of the human spirit and the capacity for love and connection.
Finally, the episode dives into the emotional landscape of family reconciliation and the journey of self-healing. Monique opens up about forgiving her mother and the emotional conversations she had with her children and husband about the DNA test results. Through therapy, faith, and a commitment to self-care, Monique has embraced personal growth and the possibility of reconciliation. This episode is a testament to the strength found in vulnerability and offers hope and encouragement for anyone grappling with similar revelations.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
what's up, guys?
Welcome to demo with mo.
I'm your host, monique simmons.
We'll be discussing dating,engaged and married objectives
from a young christian'sperspective.
Are you guys ready?
Let's dive in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Welcome to a new episode ofDemo with Mo.
(00:28):
I am your host, monique Simmons, and today is the season's
finale for season seven.
Today's episode is going to be alittle different, a little
different from what we usuallydo.
I have invited a friend to joinme, mrs Ashley Jenkins.
She is a therapist with 10 plusyears of experience in the
(00:52):
field of social work.
She refers to herself as yourneighborhood's hope dealer Girl.
I love that so much.
I love it, I love it, I love it.
She is a mom, wife and a greatfriend.
I'm proud to hand the host seatover to her today.
Welcome, ashley, or as I callher, ash.
(01:16):
So I am handing this thing overto you.
That's why I told you guyswe're doing this thing a little
different.
Today.
I am going to hop on over tothe seat of the person being
interviewed and Miss Ashley isgoing to be the host, and before
we switch things over a littlebit, I'm going to let y'all know
(01:37):
.
Today is going to be a littletransparent for me, a little
vulnerable for me.
Today's going to be a littlesensitive for me.
I just want to go ahead and saythat.
But, ashley, welcome.
Thank you so much for agreeingto do this today.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
No problem, thank you for having me.
I am just honored that I knowthis is your baby, so I'm
honored that you allowed me tocome in and be the one to
interview you, to come in and bethe one to interview you,
especially on such a topic asthis.
So I'm just going to tell alittle bit about Mo.
I mean, I know most of you knowher from being here on her
(02:19):
podcast and listening, but Mo isa Christian wife, mom and
podcast host.
She's worked over 15 years inthe healthcare field.
She has been married to herhusband, corey, 14 years.
They have three children, ages16, 13, and four.
She loves traveling, dancing,trying new restaurants, reading
books and listening to podcasts.
(02:41):
She teaches Sunday school andleads the couples ministry
alongside her husband at theirchurch.
She started this podcast to givea space for people who have a
desire to do relationships welland to hear authentic
conversations about thestruggles we all face, the
(03:02):
things she wished she would haveknown in early years of her
relationship.
Simply put, she loves God andloves people, and I can say that
that last part is definitelytrue.
Mo is a great friend of mine.
We met on Facebook but weconnected and I'm just so
excited to be here today.
She's motivated me even to wantto start my own podcast and do
(03:27):
something.
So putting me in the seat of aninterviewer and letting this be
like using her platform even toget that launched and started, I
just really appreciate you.
So I'm going to dive right intothe discussion today and, as
she already told you all, it's avery candid conversation and
topic we're going to have today.
So today's topic is about Moand how she found out that her
(03:52):
father is not her biologicalfather, and so I have a few
questions that tell me what madeyou want to, you know, actually
tell your listeners about thistopic.
(04:12):
Why did you pick this topic?
Speaker 1 (04:16):
To be perfectly honest, this is not something
that I really wanted to talkabout.
To be perfectly honest, youknow me personally, so you know
this is not something that Ijust go around talking about.
(04:36):
I just recently shared thiswith you.
This is not something that Ieven share or have a lot of
conversations with privatelywith people in my life.
So this is not something thatI'm just comfortable having
conversations with privately,let alone on such a public
(05:00):
platform.
But I feel like this issomething that God has been
leading me to talk about.
But I wanted to get things inorder in my private life before
I talked about them publicly.
I think sometimes people canshare things from a hurt place
(05:21):
or a place of resentment orbitterness, and sometimes it's
from a place to hurt otherpeople.
I never wanted that.
You know how I feel about andmy listeners know how I feel
about sharing things in mypodcast.
I never give names.
I never try to hurt anyone.
(05:41):
That's not what my podcast isabout.
It's never from that place.
Once I got things in order in myprivate life meaning I had the
conversation with my husband, Ihad the conversation with my
children, I talked to my mom, Italked to my dad.
I went all in those steps.
(06:02):
I got things in order there,whether no matter how those
relationships have worked out,but I got.
I got things in order there.
First.
I made sure there was nounforgiveness, I made sure that
I was good.
You know, I made sure all ofthose things was right in my
private life first.
Then I could come here becauseI knew my story would be able to
(06:28):
help somebody else, and that'salways what my podcast has been
about Since I started thispodcast.
That was the reason for startingthis podcast for this space to
be able to help others, to letpeople know that they're not
alone.
It was started in bird fromrelationships and marriages, but
(06:50):
even the things that come fromour family of origin, our
childhood and from that place.
That stuff affects ourrelationships and our marriages.
If we don't deal with thosethings, we bring that along with
us in our relationships, in ourmarriages, and I learned all
that in therapy and I did thework in therapy and it helps my
(07:13):
marriage.
And I want other people, mylisteners, the people who hear
my podcast, people who follow me, who listen to me each week I
want them to know that as well.
I can't only give them parts ofme.
I can't only tell them the partthat I like to tell them, that
I want to tell them.
I got to be able to give themall of it, to show them you're
(07:34):
not alone.
You know, the same way I'mtelling you you should do the
work.
I'm over here doing the worktoo, but how am I doing the work
, you know.
So that was the reason of why Iwanted to to finally share this
and say this.
But again, I wanted to makesure I got my stuff in order
(07:55):
privately first, because I don'tget on here and portray to be
something that I'm not.
I'm actually living it before Iget on here and talk about it.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
And I think that's important.
It's like you know, of course,you're always transparent, but
something you said is like theliving, it, you know, not
getting on here because, oh, Ifound a hot topic, it's going to
get me views, it's going to getme listens.
But really I went through this.
I might be still healing or I'mhealed from it and now I can
(08:29):
help you to get to where I am.
So I just commend you onpicking such a hard topic to
discuss, you know, and to share,because it really is something
that is.
It's difficult, you know, to beso vulnerable.
So, yeah, I definitely commendyou for that.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Very, and I'm not healed at all.
As you said, I am still healing.
This is still fresh and this isstill new and I'm doing the
work, but the Bible tells usthat we overcome by the blood of
the lamb and the word of ourtestimony.
You know, we like the word, welike the blood of the lamb, we
like Jesus to do his part, butwhat about the word of our
(09:14):
testimony?
What about that part?
What about the part that wehave to do, the part of sharing,
the part of talking?
So many of us, as Christians,are silent and we're in shame
and we don't want to sayanything.
And we, we don't want to talkabout the hard parts and the
things we're suffering through.
And you know that's how weovercome, though you know the
(09:36):
enemy wants us to keep silent.
He don't want us to share.
He would love nothing more forus to keep all of those things
inside, and we don't.
We don't want anybody to know.
But that's how we overcome.
We're over.
We overcome by our words.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
So yes, that's good.
Well, my first question that Ihave for you is I guess I want
to start with your relationshipwith your father.
Like what was that like inchildhood?
You know, prior to knowing allthis, what was it like, you and
your father?
Speaker 1 (10:12):
So my dad and I was very close.
I was a daddy's girl and thathas been the most difficult part
.
That has been what I've had todo the most work in therapy with
, because that has been the partthat I've had to grieve the
most and this is what I've hadto talk through with my
(10:33):
therapist the most.
Usually, girls are trying towork through not having a dad in
their life.
I'm now an adult trying to workthrough having such a close
relationship with my dad to nowhaving to grieve that that has
been taken away, that I don'thave that anymore, and that's
(10:55):
the part that I struggle withthe most.
I had a very close relationshipwith my dad up until I was an
adult.
We were always close.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
What are some of your favorite memories?
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Widow, One of my favorite memories is him
teaching me how to drive.
My dad taught me how to drivewhen I was 11.
And that's something that wealways did together.
It wasn't like a one-time thing.
He would consistently alwaysdrive with me.
He always took care of my car,things Like whenever and that's
(11:29):
why, still to this day, myhusband has taken it on now, but
I don't like doing anythingwith my car, like putting gas in
it or doing anything with oilor anything with my car.
My dad took care of all thisstuff with me, took care of all
this stuff for me.
So, like anything um with mycar, like any of that stuff, he,
(11:49):
he did all of that.
You know he would teach me howto do it, but I didn't.
I didn't do it.
You didn't want to do none ofthat?
Speaker 2 (11:57):
no, you had dad to do it.
I wonder if that's why you liketraveling so much, driving road
trips I love driving and itdefinitely came from my dad.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
It definitely came from my dad okay.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
So basically, what you're saying is like you all
were close in childhood, but now, as an adult, now that things
have transpired, therelationship has shifted, it's
changed, and you are grievingthe loss of that.
And I think that's so importantthat you brought that up,
because grief is not always of adead person.
Grief can be the loss ofanything you know, a
(12:32):
relationship, a loss of justsomething that you're used to
doing or used to having, and ifit's not there anymore, you
grieve it.
You know it is a process, youknow.
So I want to ask you when, whendid you find out that your
(12:53):
father was not your biologicalfather?
At what age?
Speaker 1 (12:57):
Okay, so this is a two-parter between the age of 19
and 20.
My mom told my dad and I and Iso throughout this episode you
are going to hear and I'm sayingthis to you, but I'm saying
this to the listeners You'regoing to hear me refer to him as
(13:17):
my dad because to me, he willalways be my dad, absolutely,
period.
He'll always be my dad, nomatter what anyone else says,
whatever DNA test says, he'llalways be my dad, absolutely.
But between 19 and 20, my momcame and told he and I that he
(13:38):
may not be my biological dad.
That's what she came and toldhe and I, and at this time, my
dad and my mom was separated.
They were no longer together,getting ready to be divorced.
But she came to his home whereI was living at the time I had
just had my son, my oldest son,and she told him that he may not
(14:00):
be my biological father.
Okay, so that's where it allbegun, and I'm also saying this
because I don't want people tohear this and think like this
just happened, like yesterday,and now I'm on a podcast sharing
this.
This has been a 16 year longjourney that I've been dealing
with and I'm finally talkingabout it.
(14:22):
So this is not something thatjust happened.
This is not new, so that'swhere it all began but were
there any indications before shetold you?
Speaker 2 (14:32):
any ideas at all?
Speaker 1 (14:34):
none okay, and what's funny is and I've never said
this to them, but I've I've saidthis to my therapy my whole
life, because my brother and Ijust my brother and I are five
years apart His entire life.
As long as I can remember Iwould jokingly say to him all
the time you're adopted.
(14:55):
I would say this to him all thetime and my you know my mom
would never say anything Like Iwas just jokingly say you,
you're adopted.
You know you don't look like us, you're not.
You know we, we found you in atrash, can you know?
Just things joke on each otherabout and I'm sure in her mind
I'm sure it it had to have beenin her mind so you may not even
(15:19):
be the, you may not even be thechild.
You, you know what I'm saying.
I'm sure that it's not a joke,but Alfred is every I mean I
said it so often like it had tohave crossed her mind because I
said it to him so often.
But this year, back in thebeginning of April and so much
(15:42):
has happened in between, it's somuch that has transpired over
the years but finally in April Ihad reached out to my dad for
the final time this year I haddecided I'm going to go on this
journey by myself, and again,it's so much that has transpired
in between, but I had finallydecided this year I want to go
(16:03):
on this journey by myself,whether my dad agreed or not.
I reached out to him one finaltime after I had been praying
and talking to God, and the HolySpirit was like reach out to
him one more time.
I said, okay, I'm gonna reachout to him one more time and I
text him and I said so, I'mgonna do a paternity test to
find out if you're my biologicalfather.
(16:25):
Would you be interested indoing it with me?
And he said, yes, heimmediately takes me back.
Yes, that was April of this yearand we ended up doing it and we
did it on April 29th.
I remember we did it on April29th and we got the results back
on May 10th.
And the only reason I rememberthat because it was the Friday
(16:45):
before Mother's Day.
Okay, that's when I found out,the Friday before.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Mother's Day.
So I have a question, becausethere's a little gap in space.
I kind of want to bring ittogether.
So, when your mom tells you allat 19, 20, because you kind of
fast forwarded to April, ofreaching out to him one last
time what transpired with therelationship within those years
(17:09):
in the you know, however, youcan sum it up yeah, because it's
15, 16.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
Okay, so I found out well, I found out that he might
not be in 19.
I stopped talking to my mom.
That's why me and my mom havehad such a on off again
relationship all these years,and it's like one of those
(17:37):
things that is just hard toexplain, because if, if I really
could tell it all, I have totell you everything.
So if I don't tell youeverything, you don't understand
why Monique and her mom don'thave a good relationship.
Correct, if I tell youeverything now you know
(17:58):
everything, everything Exactly.
So now you just have to look atme some type of way, because I
can't tell you everything,because I don't want you to look
at my mama some type of way, Idon't want you to look at my
daddy some type of way.
So I just let people think whatthey want to think about me and
that's just what I take.
I bear it across because Idon't want you looking at them
(18:20):
some type of way.
That's, that's a whole, notherthing.
So I can relate so I stoppedtalking to my mom on again, off
again.
That's just to sum it upbasically, without going into
all the details.
I stopped talking to her on andoff again for those years until
I finally forgive her, becausethe when she told me I wasn't a
(18:43):
christian, I didn't give my lifeto Christ, how I was 21.
I wasn't married yet, so it wasjust on again, off again.
It's how I gave my life toChrist and really got close to
God and I finally forgave her.
So our relationship was justkind of up and down.
But between that time she toldme and I won't you.
You know I don't mention names,but she told me who the man was
(19:07):
who could be my dad, which itwas either him or my dad at this
time, because you know, I justfound out just a few months ago,
right, so it could be eitherhim or my dad.
This man who the other guy was,she gave him my phone number.
I was mad at her about that atthis point.
(19:28):
I was mad at my mom abouteverything.
It was like anything she did Iwas mad about because it's just
like she.
She pulled the rug fromunderneath me like, yeah, it was
like you've been lying to me mywhole life.
So at at this point, anythingshe did, I was just.
I was just, I was hurt inanything she did.
(19:48):
So she gave him my phone numberand he would call me, like, if
not every day, every other day Ididn't answer the phone and I
don't even know back then if wecould block numbers.
I don't even know, I don't eventhink we could.
But I would never answer thecalls because I felt like I
would be betraying my dad if Italked to him.
(20:09):
And now, at 35, it took, girl,it took me going to therapy.
Like when I finally went totherapy, it was so crazy hearing
the stuff out loud that I wasdoing back then because
everything I was doing was foreverybody else except me.
(20:30):
So I wouldn't talk to himbecause I felt like he would be
betraying my dad.
And this man would call me.
It stopped, it starteddwindling down from like every
other day to like maybe once aweek and then like once a month,
but he wouldn't give up, theguy wouldn't give up and I
(20:52):
finally I don't even know howlong it took me, maybe like two
years it took me a minute.
It took me a minute to finallylike realize he not giving up,
like he want to be in my life.
And I finally like gave me.
And I think the first time I methim, corey and I went out
(21:13):
because I wouldn't meet him whenI called, because I just wanted
to feel safe, not likephysically safe, just
emotionally safe.
Yeah, because I told you, Ifelt like I was betraying my dad
.
And I still felt that way.
So we ended up meeting him at arestaurant and I met him.
Everything went well, but Istill felt like I was betraying
(21:35):
my dad.
So I ended up, I startedtalking to him, but it was like
on the surface stuff, and Iinvited him to church.
We had something at church.
It was like time for visitorsto stand up or something.
And he stood up and introducedhimself or something.
(21:56):
I don't remember and I'm noteven going to mention names or
anything, but some kind of wayand I know how, but that's not
important.
But it got back to my dad thathe was there and my dad called
my mom and he was upset.
(22:17):
He was upset.
So then this validated.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
It came to life Like I disappointed my dad, just like
I knew I would.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
Yes, it validated how I felt already, like what was
already in the back of my headthat I'm betraying him.
So then I stopped talking tohim again and it just started
that whole cycle over again.
So, long story short, because alot happened in between it.
My dad really stopped talkingto me after that, like he never
(22:52):
once had a conversation with me,even all these years up until
now, until I asked him for a DNAtest, until I reached out to
him never once has he had aconversation with me.
Even after my mom confronted usabout him possibly not being my
dad, he never had aconversation with me about any
(23:15):
of these None of it.
He just completely avoided meabout the whole conversation.
It was like this elephant ishere, nobody's going to talk
about the elephant, nobody,nobody.
It was like I'm the only onewho wants to talk about the
elephant, but everybody else isgoing to act like the elephant
is not here, okay.
(23:36):
So once all of that happenedwith him at the church, my dad
slowly but surely stoppedtalking to me Like he used to.
Would cause he doesn't livehere.
He used to would come here andvisit and would stop by and see
me.
He would come here and Iwouldn't even know he was here,
(23:59):
like I wouldn't even know he wasin the state.
Or he used to call me, you knowthe call stopped coming, or he
would call for the kids'birthdays their birthdays would
come and go and we wouldn't hearfrom him.
The holidays would come, hewould bring like Christmas gifts
and then Christmases would passby and we haven't heard from
(24:23):
him.
But it was never like aconversation like anything, like
you would just have to come upwith something in your mind of
what happened Nothing, it wasjust like nothing.
So, yeah, I'm sorry, that's whathappened with that relationship
, but my mom and I we talked.
(24:44):
I told her, I forgave her.
I understood why she you knowit didn't justify her handling
things the way that she handledit.
You know it still hurt me,don't get me wrong.
It still hurt me.
But I understood because my momhad me when she was 19, the
same age.
I had my son and I understoodwhy she could have made the
(25:08):
decision that she made and now,being the age that I am now,
even more mature and wiser, nowbeing where I am today, I
appreciate that she had enoughcourage to even come to me and
my dad and even admit somepeople go to their grave and
never say anything.
You find that on your own.
(25:29):
So the fact that she could evencome to me and tell me and I
didn't have to find that fromsomewhere else or found that on
my own I appreciated even thatmuch more.
Back then I wouldn't have beenable to say that to her.
I just cut her off because Iwouldn't.
I didn't get it.
I didn't understand how youcould, how you could hurt your
(25:50):
child or lie to your child orbut now I get it was possibly
trying to protect you even in away, but what?
she thought was the bestdecision for me and the best
decision for her, because my dadwas a great dad, he was a great
man, you know.
So I get it now.
I didn't understand it then,but I get it now and I
(26:12):
appreciate her.
So we are in a much betterplace.
My mom and I are in a muchbetter place.
My mom and I are in a muchbetter place today.
And the other guy a couple yearsago I asked him would he be
open to doing a DNA test,because I just didn't want the
back and forth anymore, thewondering, the feeling like I'm
betraying somebody over here andI don't even really know if
(26:34):
you're my father or not.
I just didn't want any of thatanymore.
So I asked him would he be opento a DNA test?
He agreed and then he fell offthe map and I never heard from
him again, never seen him, neverheard from him.
And that was years ago, thatwas over four or five years ago,
and I never heard or seen fromhim again.
(26:54):
So that's where all of thoserelationships are is right today
.
Speaker 2 (27:00):
That is a lot.
That is a lot.
I see why you were talkingabout that in theory, because
that is a lot to unpack a lot ofabandonment, a lot of hurt.
You know just really bigemotions and things that I'm
sure you've dealt with and aredealing with even now.
You know, um, even the factthat the other guy was in your
(27:24):
life, so persistent and thenjust fell off.
Like what do you do with that?
You know how do you find peacewith it.
Have you found peace with you?
I have found peace with himhave you found peace with him?
Speaker 1 (27:38):
I have found peace with him because I was never.
I never built a relationshipwith him.
That was the thing.
I never opened myself up to him.
I never did.
I never even allowed myself to.
So it was never anything whereI was yearning to have a
relationship with him.
My dad was always my dad.
That's how I looked at it.
(27:59):
The only thing about that isand I'm going to continue on
this journey I am going to dothat.
And the only thing about thatis one of the things I found out
with my meeting him when Coreyand I went to meet him he has
children.
He has other kids, so thatmeans I would have siblings.
(28:23):
You know he, him and his wifehas kids.
So I would want to know mypossible siblings and I say
possible because I want to get aDNA test.
That's what I have figured outon this journey.
I want to get a DNA test.
That's what I have figured outon this journey.
I would want to get a DNA test.
(28:47):
So, but I would have possiblesiblings.
And what I've also learned isthe kids have no fault in this.
You know adults making adultdecisions and you know they're
doing what they doing.
The kids have no faults in this, play no parts in this.
All we did was be born, that'sit.
So I would want to know if Ihave siblings, I would want to
know my siblings.
So that's the only part that Idon't want to say I'm not at
(29:10):
peace with, because it's notlike I don't have peace because
I have peace, yeah, but it'slike that's the only the unknown
that I want to know, like I, Iwant to continue this journey
because if I have siblings, Iwant to know my siblings.
I don't want to leave thisworld and have brothers and
sisters that I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
So have you thought about ever reaching out to them,
since you know their father haskind of disappeared?
What are your?
Speaker 1 (29:38):
thoughts on that yes.
I do.
Speaker 2 (29:41):
Okay, all right, so you'll be on the journey and
we'll see how that goes as faras that, maybe in a part two of
the podcast episode.
So you've told me how you foundout and all of those things,
and so I want to talk about alittle bit about telling your
(30:05):
family, like having theconversation with your husband.
Have you had the conversationwith your children?
What was that like?
Speaker 1 (30:28):
was that like okay.
So my children, my children,know me.
So, just like you guysexperienced me being very
transparent on the podcast.
But I'm on the podcast, I'mtransparent, but I'm transparent
in a way that I want to be.
I share the things that I wantto share.
I don't overshare, yes, butwith my kids they get an open
book, so it's like I share withthem.
(30:53):
But they've been along for thisjourney so they knew a lot
already.
It was just like me finallygetting the results, but they
knew so much already.
So when I told you know myyoungest, zoe Grace, she doesn't
understand.
The only thing she knew wasmommy said she was like mommy,
(31:15):
you okay, are you okay?
You sure you okay?
That was Zoe's response.
My son he is his father's child,so he is very blunt and makes
jokes and that's who he is.
So he was like I called him inthe room after I got the results
(31:36):
, after I talked to my husbandand we had our moment.
I call my kids in the room.
Well, my husband called thekids in the room and told them
we wanted to talk to them andafter I shared with them my son,
my son was the first one torespond and he was like you
(31:58):
called us in here for this.
Like we already, we alreadyknew this.
Like you've been sharing thiswith us for years.
You know I'm really open withmy kids.
I know some parents don't, youknow, share everything and no,
not to to.
I think parents should parentthe way that they feel is best
(32:18):
for their kids.
But I share, I share thingswith my kids.
I don't want any secrets withmy kids.
I share what I feel isappropriate, but I share a lot
with my kids.
So he knew a lot.
My kid, my older two kids knew alot already, so that's why he
responded that way.
But it was like, like it wasn'tno secret to him.
(32:39):
It was like he put he's 16.
He put pieces together.
When I was 16, I knew a lot too.
It was like when I was 16, myparents separated and when it
happened it was like it wasn'tno secret to me.
I knew this was coming.
I already knew this washappening.
So when he said it, it madecomplete sense to me and my
parents weren't even talking tome about what was happening.
(33:01):
I just read the room.
I knew and I'm openly havingconversations with my kids.
So as a parent who's talking totheir kids.
It wasn't a surprise that heresponded that way, so he
completely understood.
It was just I wanted to talk tothem because now I finally have
the actual results and I knowfor sure.
(33:23):
It's not a cloud over usanymore, or wondering, or we
think, but my son had put thepieces together.
He's like we don't see pawpawanymore.
He's not coming around, we'renot talking to him.
You know, now you're sayingthis.
It's like we already we alreadyknow this, so yeah, that's what
(33:48):
about your oldest daughter?
Speaker 2 (33:49):
what was her reaction ?
Speaker 1 (33:50):
mariah is very reserved with her emotions.
She didn't have much to say.
I think she was kind of takingin how I was feeling.
She just nodded her head.
She didn't say anything.
(34:11):
She's the one that I have tocheck in on when she's by
herself.
She's not going to say much.
She just kind of pays attentionto the surroundings, how you
feel and what's going on, andshe just pays attention.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
She won't say much and I know you said that you and
your husband had a momentbefore you told the kids, but
I'm I'm just assuming that heknew prior to the results as
well.
But take us to the moment ofthe results.
What was your husband'sreaction at that point?
Speaker 1 (34:43):
he asked me was I okay?
That was his first response areyou okay?
Because we had already talkedabout it, um, when I first did
the dna test which I told you Idid it on april 29th and he
asked me um, was I okay?
Because I had already told himthat I was at peace about it.
When I did the DNA test, I toldhim I was at peace about it,
(35:05):
whichever way the results went.
The only reason that I was doingit because I didn't want the
cloud over my head, like Ididn't want to wonder what if or
if it is, if it ain't, I justdidn't want that for my family.
I didn't want that for my kids,I didn't want that for my
grandkids.
Like I want us to be able to dothe hard, uncomfortable things,
(35:27):
like I want us to know I don'twant any secrets.
I just didn't want that for myfamily and for the generations
to come.
I just didn't want that.
So I was going to be okayeither way, even though I
desired my father to be myfather, but whatever the result
said to me, he's still my dad,um, but his first response was
(35:47):
are you okay?
And I was like yes, I, you know.
I meant what I said.
That's I.
I didn't want to do it until I,until I was okay, if that makes
sense like I didn't want to doit if I was not in a place where
I would be okay if the resultswas he's not my dad Right.
That's why I've been doing thework in therapy.
You know, and he was like hehates that because he doesn't
(36:13):
like the place my dad and I arein.
He doesn't because Corey and Ihave been together since high
school, so he knows what my dadand I's relationship was like
before all of this and he andhis dad don't have a close
relationship.
So to see the relationship thatmy dad and I have now and to
(36:37):
see how my dad has responded dueto all of this, it breaks my
husband's heart and he won't saythose words.
But just seeing his response tomy dad and how everything has
played out and us going tocouples therapy and seeing how
(37:00):
he talks about it, it hurts himyou know.
So he wasn't happy about it andhe's just not happy about any of
it at all.
Yeah, but he's glad that I'mokay.
He's not okay about it.
I'm just gonna be honest.
He's not okay about it.
I'm just going to be honest.
He's not okay about any of itand he doesn't even.
(37:20):
He doesn't even understand orcomprehend how I respond, the
way that I respond.
He doesn't understand how I canbe okay with all of these.
He doesn't even understand it.
So he's not okay, but he's gladthat I'm okay.
Speaker 2 (37:40):
If that, yeah, I hope that makes sense, makes that,
does make sense, maybe even likea little bit of transference,
because he doesn't have thatrelationship with his dad and I
can't say you know the work thathe's done or not done, but
you've done the work on this,and so maybe, if he hasn't
really resolved whatever he haswith his dad, it could be a
(38:01):
possibility that that's kind ofaffecting him in a way that he
may not even be able to reallycomprehend, like why am I so
affected by it?
You know?
So it is just one of thosethings where I'm happy that you
did the work.
I'm happy that you've come to aplace where you're not doing
everything for everybody else.
(38:22):
And that was the part that I, I, I my therapist hat was on.
I saw that it got emotional foryou when you kind of talked
about that.
Like when I talk about this, Irealized like I literally was
doing everything for everybodyelse for my mom, for my dad, for
the man that could possibly bemy dad, and now you're doing
(38:47):
what you need to do for you, andso that lets me know that you
have made progress in thishealing journey.
I want to open up the floor.
I do have one more question foryou.
It's going to be a two-parter,and that's the one I'll close on
.
But is there anything that youwould want to say, or any advice
(39:11):
that you may want to give, orjust anything that you want or
is on your heart about thistopic, about this situation,
that maybe I haven't asked?
Speaker 1 (39:20):
you I would say, if someone is struggling just to
piggyback off what you just said, because I did get emotional
about that part, because Iremember when I first started
therapy, when I was talking tomy therapist and literally you
know, know your therapist givingher the rundown of all of the
(39:42):
things that has been happeningto lead me up to getting to
therapy and she was telling methat I am a rescuer.
That's kind of the summary ofwhat she told me.
She said I see a need ineverybody else and I want to
meet the need.
I feel like I got to meet theneed in everybody else and I
want to meet the need.
I feel like I got to meet theneed for everybody else and I've
(40:03):
been doing this since mychildhood and I'm literally
talking to you about all ofthese things, even through my
childhood, about everybody else,and I had in the decisions that
I was making.
They were for everybody else.
And I'm the one over heresuffering, I'm dying, I'm
literally dying to saveeverybody else, but nobody is
(40:27):
saving me.
I'm over here dying, but I'mmaking decisions to save
everybody else.
And so I finally sat down on mytherapist's couch and realized,
after saying it out loud, thatthat's what I was doing, and I
didn't even realize it, like Ididn't even.
I didn't even realize it.
So I would encourage anybodyand it don't have to be what I'm
(40:52):
going through, whatever it is.
If you need to make a decisionto save yourself, save yourself.
And I don't care who it is Ifit's a parent, if it is a spouse
save yourself, save yourself,do the work.
(41:14):
They will be hurt, they will beoffended.
They may not like it, but saveyourself.
When you are on an airplane,one of the things that the
flight attendant tell you is toput, if the plane goes down, to
put your mask on first.
And that's what I had to learnhow to do, because while I was
(41:35):
so busy trying to do what ittakes to save everybody else, I
was over there dying.
I was literally dying becauseI'm trying to save everybody
else, but I had to begin to saveme.
That doesn't mean not to helppeople, not to make sure that
they're okay, but you got tosave you first.
So I would encourage you do thework.
(41:57):
And it's not easy work.
I told y'all this has been a 15, 16 year journey.
I'm not.
I just didn't wake up one dayand was strong enough and able
to tell my story and be able totalk about this with with no
unforgiveness in my heart and nohurt and no pain.
I didn't just wake up one dayand be able to do this.
(42:17):
I've done the work.
I've done the work with mytherapist.
I've done the work in myrelationship with Christ.
I've learned how to beself-aware, because there were
things that were wrong with me.
There were things that I neededto do for myself.
I'm not pointing the finger atanybody else.
There were things I needed tofix within myself.
There were things that I had tolearn.
There were places where Ineeded to grow.
(42:37):
There were things in me as well, but I had to learn how to do
the work.
I had to stop trying to rescueeverybody else and rescue
Monique.
Yes, choose you, save you, dothe work for you.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
That's good.
I got this vision of like ahouse being on fire and like
being like different stories andeverything, and instead of you
calling 9-1-1 and calling thefire department, you're the one
going running back and forth inthe house trying to get people
out of the fire.
And you don't have oxygen.
(43:13):
You don't have equipment to berunning in this house and all
you had to do was save yourself,go get help, and then they
would be safe.
You don't have to be the savior, you don't have to run in the
fires.
So that's what I'm taking awayfrom it.
You know, even to share andelaborate even further to help
(43:34):
people know like go get help.
If that's a therapist, ifthat's you know you just
removing yourself from thesituation, go get the help, save
yourself so that the othersthat you want to save can really
be saved.
It's not your job to save them.
It's not your job.
(43:57):
So the last question I want toask you is a two-parter I'm
going to.
I want to end it on a positivenote.
So the first part is what arethe negative ways that finding
out that your dad was not yourdad?
Has that affected younegatively?
How has finding thatinformation out about your
(44:19):
biological father and who it wasand who it wasn't and who it
might be.
How has that negativelyaffected you?
Speaker 1 (44:28):
It negatively affected me.
Okay, I'm going to say this.
I'm going to say this, but Idon't know if this is true or
not.
I don't know if this is forsure.
So I want to preface this bysaying this.
Speaker 2 (44:42):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (44:44):
When I found out that he was not my biological father
when I got the results a fewdays later, because when we got
the results, I got the resultsvia the mail and he was supposed
to get them by email.
Some reason he didn't get them.
(45:06):
So he reached out to me a fewdays later and asked me had I
received them?
And I was like, yeah, youdidn't get them.
You were supposed to get themby email.
He was like no, I didn't getthem.
So to get him by email, he waslike no, I didn't get him.
So you know something asserious as that.
I didn't want to just send thatthrough a text message because
(45:26):
he was texting me.
Like you know, I just don'twant to text you and be like
you're not my biological father.
So I took a picture of theresults and sent it to him.
He got him and I never heardfrom him again, and that was in
May.
This is August.
I never heard from him again.
(45:50):
I've heard from my stepmotherand I won't say anything about
that because that's his wife andI don't.
I don't, I don't know what hewould think or what he would say
, but she has reached out to meand she's been there.
She's been there.
She's been there for me.
So I appreciate and I love herfor that, but I have not heard
(46:12):
from him at all.
So that's one of the negativeways that it has impacted me,
because this was like it's likeit's solidified that we may no
longer have a relationship yeah,that's hard yeah.
(46:34):
So it was like it's likegrieving a loss and that's why
we kind of opened up with thatgrieving part, Because I've been
grieving it but it's likegrieving that friendship that's
not the same anymore.
But there's a chance you guysmay fix things.
(46:56):
But when the friendship isreally over and you know you
guys are not coming back, youreally have to like grieve it
for real Cause you know you guysare not coming back.
But I I I prefaced it withsaying like I don't know if this
is really true, because as aChristian I always have hope.
(47:18):
I know God can redeem andrestore any relationship.
So my prayer and my hope isthat one day my dad and I's
relationship can be fixed, itcan be restored, it will be
redeemed.
You know, that is my hope andmy desire, Because again I have
(47:39):
no unforgiveness in my hearttowards him, even though he
abandoned me.
I struggle with that word.
I really me and my therapisthave a hard time in our session
with that word because heabandoned me and I don't because
I saw my dad in such a highesteem all my life.
(48:01):
I struggle seeing him in anynegative way.
I really struggle with that.
So I have hope that we one daycan have a great relationship
again.
So that's the negative way itimpacted me.
It's like, now that the resultsthat he is now my biological
father, there's a chance we maynever have a relationship again.
He could go the rest of hislife and never talk to me again
(48:24):
because I'm not his biologicaldaughter.
There's a chance of that, youknow, but God can do all things
as well.
Speaker 2 (48:31):
So, yeah, I'm gonna be praying that with you and for
you.
You know that that relationshipis restored one day.
I do believe God can.
He definitely can turn itaround and I just pray he
softens his heart, he heals hiswounds and whatever he's dealing
with, you know that he reallyheals from it, cause I'm sure
(48:54):
he's dealing with some thingsyou know on this journey if he's
choosing to go on it himself.
So yeah, so one more question,and I said I want to try to end
it on kind of a positive note.
I know this is a heavy topic,but tell me a way or some ways
that this has positivelyaffected Monique Simmons.
(49:16):
What has this done for you?
Speaker 1 (49:24):
affected, monique Simmons.
What has this done?
for you, uh this journey because, again, this has been a journey
, honey, I know it.
Um, this journey has made mewiser, it has grown me up, it
has made me trust God in a waythat I didn't even know I could
trust God.
It has made me know God as afather.
(49:45):
You know, we, we quotescriptures and we talk about
God's word, but it's a.
It's a difference in knowingand quoting God's word but
really intimately knowing God'sword.
When I say God is a father tothe fatherless, that's not just
like if your father is dead, ifhe's not physically on his earth
(50:08):
anymore, but my father is notin my life as far as a
relationship.
So I had to learn to lean onGod as a father and to get to
know him in that kind of way.
It has been beautiful.
I mean it has really beenbeautiful, and it has
(50:32):
tremendously blessed my life andI wouldn't have known that if
my dad wouldn't have walked outthe way he did.
So it has matured me and mademe lean and depend on God in a
way that I didn't before Like.
Again, this started when I was19, you know, and I gave my life
to Christ at 21 and I've grownin my walk.
(50:56):
I've got to know God intimatelyand personally.
It even helped me in myrelationship with my kids, Like
I never want my kids toexperience what I've experienced
.
And don't get me wrong, I toldyou guys I've grown in my
relationship with my mom, buteven my relationship with my mom
has been up and down throughall of these.
(51:17):
I don't want my kids toexperience what I've had to
experience in my relationshipwith my parents.
So I love on them, I talk tothem, I'm close to them, like it
.
Just it's taught me everythingI don't want to do and I have to
lean on God in such a heavy wayto do the complete opposite of
(51:41):
everything that I've been taughtand everything that I've been
shown, because I don't know howto do this of my own Because of
all the things I've seen andI've experienced, and I have to
get all of that from God.
So I have to lean on God somuch to teach me what to do and
how to do it.
Speaker 2 (52:00):
So yeah, Well, I don't think that there's a
better way to end it Thinkingabout what you're taking away
from it instead of what you'velost.
What you gain from it is somuch more than the things that
you may be lacking earthly and Iknow sometimes physically,
(52:20):
mentally, emotionally it may notfeel like that, but it is
something that has blessed you,it's grown you, and so just let
that be the takeaway from today.
My friend, I am so proud of you, so so, very proud of you.
This is one of the bravestthings that I believe that you
(52:41):
could have ever done, and youknow the conversations we have
had and I just it almost bringsme to tears like I just
literally am proud of you.
I'm proud of you.
You're inspiring me, you'rehelping me to get free myself,
and so I know that you're goingto do it for others, and so I
(53:04):
just want to say, on behalf ofyour listeners, on behalf of me
as your friend, as your sisterin Christ, I thank you, I love
you and you are just amazing,you are absolutely amazing.
So that concludes our interview.
You have anything else?
I know you've given me thereins, but do you have anything
(53:25):
else that you want to say beforewe head out tonight?
Speaker 1 (53:28):
I just want to say thank you Seriously.
You have been an amazing host.
This is only just a sample ofwhat's to come for you on your
podcast.
I'm excited to see what God isgoing to do in and through you.
I wish you the absolute best onyour journey.
Thank you for even agreeing todo this.
(53:48):
I appreciate you.
Speaker 2 (53:50):
You're welcome, I appreciate you and you know
you've come to be a guest.
We're already agreed, so don'ttake that I will be there on
tell the audience how they canfind you your social media
platforms, website, all thatgood stuff, alright so the ways
you can find me, you all, as shesaid, I call myself the
(54:10):
neighborhood, your neighborhoodhope dealer.
So I'm on Instagramneighborhood hope dealer 22.
I'm also on TikTok neighborhoodhope dealer 22.
I'm also on Tik TOKneighborhood hope dealer 22 or
2022.
One of those.
You can follow me on Facebook myname is Ashley Jenkins, spelled
the regular way, and onFacebook live, and I'll be doing
(54:33):
podcasts, as Mo has inspired meto do, cause I was just going
to do Facebook live, but I'll bedoing Spill the Tea therapy
talk sessions Facebook Livestarting in September, every
Tuesday at 8 pm, centralStandard Time, and really it'll
be a lot like this, just kind oflike a therapy session looking
(54:54):
for people to interview.
So if you're a business owner,if you're a mental health
professional and you'reinterested, or even just someone
that has something you want toshare, or you want to come get
on my couch and we just talk,you all can send information or
send a request to info atinfluentialtouchcom.
That's my email and that's alsohow you can reach me about any
(55:17):
booking for any type of speakingengagements or therapy as well.
Speaker 1 (55:23):
Awesome.
You guys, go follow and checkout my girl until next time and
we'll see you next season,season eight.
I hope you guys have enjoyedtoday's episode.
I hope it has blessed you,helped you wherever you are.
Do the work, don't forgetrescue yourself, save, you go
(55:44):
get help um, I love you, butremember god loves you so much
more.
bye, guys, bye.
I hope you guys have enjoyedFollow me on Facebook at Demo
with Mo.
If you have any questions youwould like answered here live on
(56:06):
my podcast, email them to me.
At Demo with Mo at gmailcom.
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O atgmailcom.
what's up, guys?
Welcome to demo with mo.
I'm your host, monique simmons.
We'll be discussing dating,engaged and married objectives
from a young christian'sperspective.
Are you guys ready?
Let's dive in.
Hey, what's up, guys?
Welcome to a new episode ofDemo with Mo.
(00:28):
I am your host, monique Simmons, and today is the season's
finale for season seven.
Today's episode is going to be alittle different, a little
different from what we usuallydo.
I have invited a friend to joinme, mrs Ashley Jenkins.
She is a therapist with 10 plusyears of experience in the
(00:52):
field of social work.
She refers to herself as yourneighborhood's hope dealer Girl.
I love that so much.
I love it, I love it, I love it.
She is a mom, wife and a greatfriend.
I'm proud to hand the host seatover to her today.
Welcome, ashley, or as I callher, ash.
(01:16):
So I am handing this thing overto you.
That's why I told you guyswe're doing this thing a little
different.
Today.
I am going to hop on over tothe seat of the person being
interviewed and Miss Ashley isgoing to be the host, and before
we switch things over a littlebit, I'm going to let y'all know
(01:37):
.
Today is going to be a littletransparent for me, a little
vulnerable for me.
Today's going to be a littlesensitive for me.
I just want to go ahead and saythat.
But, ashley, welcome.
Thank you so much for agreeingto do this today.
Speaker 2 (01:51):
No problem, thank you for having me.
I am just honored that I knowthis is your baby, so I'm
honored that you allowed me tocome in and be the one to
interview you, to come in and bethe one to interview you,
especially on such a topic asthis.
So I'm just going to tell alittle bit about Mo.
I mean, I know most of you knowher from being here on her
(02:19):
podcast and listening, but Mo isa Christian wife, mom and
podcast host.
She's worked over 15 years inthe healthcare field.
She has been married to herhusband, corey, 14 years.
They have three children, ages16, 13, and four.
She loves traveling, dancing,trying new restaurants, reading
books and listening to podcasts.
(02:41):
She teaches Sunday school andleads the couples ministry
alongside her husband at theirchurch.
She started this podcast to givea space for people who have a
desire to do relationships welland to hear authentic
conversations about thestruggles we all face, the
(03:02):
things she wished she would haveknown in early years of her
relationship.
Simply put, she loves God andloves people, and I can say that
that last part is definitelytrue.
Mo is a great friend of mine.
We met on Facebook but weconnected and I'm just so
excited to be here today.
She's motivated me even to wantto start my own podcast and do
(03:27):
something.
So putting me in the seat of aninterviewer and letting this be
like using her platform even toget that launched and started, I
just really appreciate you.
So I'm going to dive right intothe discussion today and, as
she already told you all, it's avery candid conversation and
topic we're going to have today.
So today's topic is about Moand how she found out that her
(03:52):
father is not her biologicalfather, and so I have a few
questions that tell me what madeyou want to, you know, actually
tell your listeners about thistopic.
(04:12):
Why did you pick this topic?
Speaker 1 (04:16):
To be perfectly honest, this is not something
that I really wanted to talkabout.
To be perfectly honest, youknow me personally, so you know
this is not something that Ijust go around talking about.
(04:36):
I just recently shared thiswith you.
This is not something that Ieven share or have a lot of
conversations with privatelywith people in my life.
So this is not something thatI'm just comfortable having
conversations with privately,let alone on such a public
(05:00):
platform.
But I feel like this issomething that God has been
leading me to talk about.
But I wanted to get things inorder in my private life before
I talked about them publicly.
I think sometimes people canshare things from a hurt place
(05:21):
or a place of resentment orbitterness, and sometimes it's
from a place to hurt otherpeople.
I never wanted that.
You know how I feel about andmy listeners know how I feel
about sharing things in mypodcast.
I never give names.
I never try to hurt anyone.
(05:41):
That's not what my podcast isabout.
It's never from that place.
Once I got things in order in myprivate life meaning I had the
conversation with my husband, Ihad the conversation with my
children, I talked to my mom, Italked to my dad.
I went all in those steps.
(06:02):
I got things in order there,whether no matter how those
relationships have worked out,but I got.
I got things in order there.
First.
I made sure there was nounforgiveness, I made sure that
I was good.
You know, I made sure all ofthose things was right in my
private life first.
Then I could come here becauseI knew my story would be able to
(06:28):
help somebody else, and that'salways what my podcast has been
about Since I started thispodcast.
That was the reason for startingthis podcast for this space to
be able to help others, to letpeople know that they're not
alone.
It was started in bird fromrelationships and marriages, but
(06:50):
even the things that come fromour family of origin, our
childhood and from that place.
That stuff affects ourrelationships and our marriages.
If we don't deal with thosethings, we bring that along with
us in our relationships, in ourmarriages, and I learned all
that in therapy and I did thework in therapy and it helps my
(07:13):
marriage.
And I want other people, mylisteners, the people who hear
my podcast, people who follow me, who listen to me each week I
want them to know that as well.
I can't only give them parts ofme.
I can't only tell them the partthat I like to tell them, that
I want to tell them.
I got to be able to give themall of it, to show them you're
(07:34):
not alone.
You know, the same way I'mtelling you you should do the
work.
I'm over here doing the worktoo, but how am I doing the work
, you know.
So that was the reason of why Iwanted to to finally share this
and say this.
But again, I wanted to makesure I got my stuff in order
(07:55):
privately first, because I don'tget on here and portray to be
something that I'm not.
I'm actually living it before Iget on here and talk about it.
Speaker 2 (08:05):
And I think that's important.
It's like you know, of course,you're always transparent, but
something you said is like theliving, it, you know, not
getting on here because, oh, Ifound a hot topic, it's going to
get me views, it's going to getme listens.
But really I went through this.
I might be still healing or I'mhealed from it and now I can
(08:29):
help you to get to where I am.
So I just commend you onpicking such a hard topic to
discuss, you know, and to share,because it really is something
that is.
It's difficult, you know, to beso vulnerable.
So, yeah, I definitely commendyou for that.
Speaker 1 (08:51):
Very, and I'm not healed at all.
As you said, I am still healing.
This is still fresh and this isstill new and I'm doing the
work, but the Bible tells usthat we overcome by the blood of
the lamb and the word of ourtestimony.
You know, we like the word, welike the blood of the lamb, we
like Jesus to do his part, butwhat about the word of our
(09:14):
testimony?
What about that part?
What about the part that wehave to do, the part of sharing,
the part of talking?
So many of us, as Christians,are silent and we're in shame
and we don't want to sayanything.
And we, we don't want to talkabout the hard parts and the
things we're suffering through.
And you know that's how weovercome, though you know the
(09:36):
enemy wants us to keep silent.
He don't want us to share.
He would love nothing more forus to keep all of those things
inside, and we don't.
We don't want anybody to know.
But that's how we overcome.
We're over.
We overcome by our words.
Speaker 2 (09:51):
So yes, that's good.
Well, my first question that Ihave for you is I guess I want
to start with your relationshipwith your father.
Like what was that like inchildhood?
You know, prior to knowing allthis, what was it like, you and
your father?
Speaker 1 (10:12):
So my dad and I was very close.
I was a daddy's girl and thathas been the most difficult part
.
That has been what I've had todo the most work in therapy with
, because that has been the partthat I've had to grieve the
most and this is what I've hadto talk through with my
(10:33):
therapist the most.
Usually, girls are trying towork through not having a dad in
their life.
I'm now an adult trying to workthrough having such a close
relationship with my dad to nowhaving to grieve that that has
been taken away, that I don'thave that anymore, and that's
(10:55):
the part that I struggle withthe most.
I had a very close relationshipwith my dad up until I was an
adult.
We were always close.
Speaker 2 (11:03):
What are some of your favorite memories?
Speaker 1 (11:05):
Widow, One of my favorite memories is him
teaching me how to drive.
My dad taught me how to drivewhen I was 11.
And that's something that wealways did together.
It wasn't like a one-time thing.
He would consistently alwaysdrive with me.
He always took care of my car,things Like whenever and that's
(11:29):
why, still to this day, myhusband has taken it on now, but
I don't like doing anythingwith my car, like putting gas in
it or doing anything with oilor anything with my car.
My dad took care of all thisstuff with me, took care of all
this stuff for me.
So, like anything um with mycar, like any of that stuff, he,
(11:49):
he did all of that.
You know he would teach me howto do it, but I didn't.
I didn't do it.
You didn't want to do none ofthat?
Speaker 2 (11:57):
no, you had dad to do it.
I wonder if that's why you liketraveling so much, driving road
trips I love driving and itdefinitely came from my dad.
Speaker 1 (12:06):
It definitely came from my dad okay.
Speaker 2 (12:09):
So basically, what you're saying is like you all
were close in childhood, but now, as an adult, now that things
have transpired, therelationship has shifted, it's
changed, and you are grievingthe loss of that.
And I think that's so importantthat you brought that up,
because grief is not always of adead person.
Grief can be the loss ofanything you know, a
(12:32):
relationship, a loss of justsomething that you're used to
doing or used to having, and ifit's not there anymore, you
grieve it.
You know it is a process, youknow.
So I want to ask you when, whendid you find out that your
(12:53):
father was not your biologicalfather?
At what age?
Speaker 1 (12:57):
Okay, so this is a two-parter between the age of 19
and 20.
My mom told my dad and I and Iso throughout this episode you
are going to hear and I'm sayingthis to you, but I'm saying
this to the listeners You'regoing to hear me refer to him as
(13:17):
my dad because to me, he willalways be my dad, absolutely,
period.
He'll always be my dad, nomatter what anyone else says,
whatever DNA test says, he'llalways be my dad, absolutely.
But between 19 and 20, my momcame and told he and I that he
(13:38):
may not be my biological dad.
That's what she came and toldhe and I, and at this time, my
dad and my mom was separated.
They were no longer together,getting ready to be divorced.
But she came to his home whereI was living at the time I had
just had my son, my oldest son,and she told him that he may not
(14:00):
be my biological father.
Okay, so that's where it allbegun, and I'm also saying this
because I don't want people tohear this and think like this
just happened, like yesterday,and now I'm on a podcast sharing
this.
This has been a 16 year longjourney that I've been dealing
with and I'm finally talkingabout it.
(14:22):
So this is not something thatjust happened.
This is not new, so that'swhere it all began but were
there any indications before shetold you?
Speaker 2 (14:32):
any ideas at all?
Speaker 1 (14:34):
none okay, and what's funny is and I've never said
this to them, but I've I've saidthis to my therapy my whole
life, because my brother and Ijust my brother and I are five
years apart His entire life.
As long as I can remember Iwould jokingly say to him all
the time you're adopted.
(14:55):
I would say this to him all thetime and my you know my mom
would never say anything Like Iwas just jokingly say you,
you're adopted.
You know you don't look like us, you're not.
You know we, we found you in atrash, can you know?
Just things joke on each otherabout and I'm sure in her mind
I'm sure it it had to have beenin her mind so you may not even
(15:19):
be the, you may not even be thechild.
You, you know what I'm saying.
I'm sure that it's not a joke,but Alfred is every I mean I
said it so often like it had tohave crossed her mind because I
said it to him so often.
But this year, back in thebeginning of April and so much
(15:42):
has happened in between, it's somuch that has transpired over
the years but finally in April Ihad reached out to my dad for
the final time this year I haddecided I'm going to go on this
journey by myself, and again,it's so much that has transpired
in between, but I had finallydecided this year I want to go
(16:03):
on this journey by myself,whether my dad agreed or not.
I reached out to him one finaltime after I had been praying
and talking to God, and the HolySpirit was like reach out to
him one more time.
I said, okay, I'm gonna reachout to him one more time and I
text him and I said so, I'mgonna do a paternity test to
find out if you're my biologicalfather.
(16:25):
Would you be interested indoing it with me?
And he said, yes, heimmediately takes me back.
Yes, that was April of this yearand we ended up doing it and we
did it on April 29th.
I remember we did it on April29th and we got the results back
on May 10th.
And the only reason I rememberthat because it was the Friday
(16:45):
before Mother's Day.
Okay, that's when I found out,the Friday before.
Speaker 2 (16:49):
Mother's Day.
So I have a question, becausethere's a little gap in space.
I kind of want to bring ittogether.
So, when your mom tells you allat 19, 20, because you kind of
fast forwarded to April, ofreaching out to him one last
time what transpired with therelationship within those years
(17:09):
in the you know, however, youcan sum it up yeah, because it's
15, 16.
Speaker 1 (17:17):
Okay, so I found out well, I found out that he might
not be in 19.
I stopped talking to my mom.
That's why me and my mom havehad such a on off again
relationship all these years,and it's like one of those
(17:37):
things that is just hard toexplain, because if, if I really
could tell it all, I have totell you everything.
So if I don't tell youeverything, you don't understand
why Monique and her mom don'thave a good relationship.
Correct, if I tell youeverything now you know
(17:58):
everything, everything Exactly.
So now you just have to look atme some type of way, because I
can't tell you everything,because I don't want you to look
at my mama some type of way, Idon't want you to look at my
daddy some type of way.
So I just let people think whatthey want to think about me and
that's just what I take.
I bear it across because Idon't want you looking at them
(18:20):
some type of way.
That's, that's a whole, notherthing.
So I can relate so I stoppedtalking to my mom on again, off
again.
That's just to sum it upbasically, without going into
all the details.
I stopped talking to her on andoff again for those years until
I finally forgive her, becausethe when she told me I wasn't a
(18:43):
christian, I didn't give my lifeto Christ, how I was 21.
I wasn't married yet, so it wasjust on again, off again.
It's how I gave my life toChrist and really got close to
God and I finally forgave her.
So our relationship was justkind of up and down.
But between that time she toldme and I won't you.
You know I don't mention names,but she told me who the man was
(19:07):
who could be my dad, which itwas either him or my dad at this
time, because you know, I justfound out just a few months ago,
right, so it could be eitherhim or my dad.
This man who the other guy was,she gave him my phone number.
I was mad at her about that atthis point.
(19:28):
I was mad at my mom abouteverything.
It was like anything she did Iwas mad about because it's just
like she.
She pulled the rug fromunderneath me like, yeah, it was
like you've been lying to me mywhole life.
So at at this point, anythingshe did, I was just.
I was just, I was hurt inanything she did.
(19:48):
So she gave him my phone numberand he would call me, like, if
not every day, every other day Ididn't answer the phone and I
don't even know back then if wecould block numbers.
I don't even know, I don't eventhink we could.
But I would never answer thecalls because I felt like I
would be betraying my dad if Italked to him.
(20:09):
And now, at 35, it took, girl,it took me going to therapy.
Like when I finally went totherapy, it was so crazy hearing
the stuff out loud that I wasdoing back then because
everything I was doing was foreverybody else except me.
(20:30):
So I wouldn't talk to himbecause I felt like he would be
betraying my dad.
And this man would call me.
It stopped, it starteddwindling down from like every
other day to like maybe once aweek and then like once a month,
but he wouldn't give up, theguy wouldn't give up and I
(20:52):
finally I don't even know howlong it took me, maybe like two
years it took me a minute.
It took me a minute to finallylike realize he not giving up,
like he want to be in my life.
And I finally like gave me.
And I think the first time I methim, corey and I went out
(21:13):
because I wouldn't meet him whenI called, because I just wanted
to feel safe, not likephysically safe, just
emotionally safe.
Yeah, because I told you, Ifelt like I was betraying my dad
.
And I still felt that way.
So we ended up meeting him at arestaurant and I met him.
Everything went well, but Istill felt like I was betraying
(21:35):
my dad.
So I ended up, I startedtalking to him, but it was like
on the surface stuff, and Iinvited him to church.
We had something at church.
It was like time for visitorsto stand up or something.
And he stood up and introducedhimself or something.
(21:56):
I don't remember and I'm noteven going to mention names or
anything, but some kind of wayand I know how, but that's not
important.
But it got back to my dad thathe was there and my dad called
my mom and he was upset.
(22:17):
He was upset.
So then this validated.
Speaker 2 (22:24):
It came to life Like I disappointed my dad, just like
I knew I would.
Speaker 1 (22:28):
Yes, it validated how I felt already, like what was
already in the back of my headthat I'm betraying him.
So then I stopped talking tohim again and it just started
that whole cycle over again.
So, long story short, because alot happened in between it.
My dad really stopped talkingto me after that, like he never
(22:52):
once had a conversation with me,even all these years up until
now, until I asked him for a DNAtest, until I reached out to
him never once has he had aconversation with me.
Even after my mom confronted usabout him possibly not being my
dad, he never had aconversation with me about any
(23:15):
of these None of it.
He just completely avoided meabout the whole conversation.
It was like this elephant ishere, nobody's going to talk
about the elephant, nobody,nobody.
It was like I'm the only onewho wants to talk about the
elephant, but everybody else isgoing to act like the elephant
is not here, okay.
(23:36):
So once all of that happenedwith him at the church, my dad
slowly but surely stoppedtalking to me Like he used to.
Would cause he doesn't livehere.
He used to would come here andvisit and would stop by and see
me.
He would come here and Iwouldn't even know he was here,
(23:59):
like I wouldn't even know he wasin the state.
Or he used to call me, you knowthe call stopped coming, or he
would call for the kids'birthdays their birthdays would
come and go and we wouldn't hearfrom him.
The holidays would come, hewould bring like Christmas gifts
and then Christmases would passby and we haven't heard from
(24:23):
him.
But it was never like aconversation like anything, like
you would just have to come upwith something in your mind of
what happened Nothing, it wasjust like nothing.
So, yeah, I'm sorry, that's whathappened with that relationship
, but my mom and I we talked.
(24:44):
I told her, I forgave her.
I understood why she you knowit didn't justify her handling
things the way that she handledit.
You know it still hurt me,don't get me wrong.
It still hurt me.
But I understood because my momhad me when she was 19, the
same age.
I had my son and I understoodwhy she could have made the
(25:08):
decision that she made and now,being the age that I am now,
even more mature and wiser, nowbeing where I am today, I
appreciate that she had enoughcourage to even come to me and
my dad and even admit somepeople go to their grave and
never say anything.
You find that on your own.
(25:29):
So the fact that she could evencome to me and tell me and I
didn't have to find that fromsomewhere else or found that on
my own I appreciated even thatmuch more.
Back then I wouldn't have beenable to say that to her.
I just cut her off because Iwouldn't.
I didn't get it.
I didn't understand how youcould, how you could hurt your
(25:50):
child or lie to your child orbut now I get it was possibly
trying to protect you even in away, but what?
she thought was the bestdecision for me and the best
decision for her, because my dadwas a great dad, he was a great
man, you know.
So I get it now.
I didn't understand it then,but I get it now and I
(26:12):
appreciate her.
So we are in a much betterplace.
My mom and I are in a muchbetter place.
My mom and I are in a muchbetter place today.
And the other guy a couple yearsago I asked him would he be
open to doing a DNA test,because I just didn't want the
back and forth anymore, thewondering, the feeling like I'm
betraying somebody over here andI don't even really know if
(26:34):
you're my father or not.
I just didn't want any of thatanymore.
So I asked him would he be opento a DNA test?
He agreed and then he fell offthe map and I never heard from
him again, never seen him, neverheard from him.
And that was years ago, thatwas over four or five years ago,
and I never heard or seen fromhim again.
(26:54):
So that's where all of thoserelationships are is right today
.
Speaker 2 (27:00):
That is a lot.
That is a lot.
I see why you were talkingabout that in theory, because
that is a lot to unpack a lot ofabandonment, a lot of hurt.
You know just really bigemotions and things that I'm
sure you've dealt with and aredealing with even now.
You know, um, even the factthat the other guy was in your
(27:24):
life, so persistent and thenjust fell off.
Like what do you do with that?
You know how do you find peacewith it.
Have you found peace with you?
I have found peace with himhave you found peace with him?
Speaker 1 (27:38):
I have found peace with him because I was never.
I never built a relationshipwith him.
That was the thing.
I never opened myself up to him.
I never did.
I never even allowed myself to.
So it was never anything whereI was yearning to have a
relationship with him.
My dad was always my dad.
That's how I looked at it.
(27:59):
The only thing about that isand I'm going to continue on
this journey I am going to dothat.
And the only thing about thatis one of the things I found out
with my meeting him when Coreyand I went to meet him he has
children.
He has other kids, so thatmeans I would have siblings.
(28:23):
You know he, him and his wifehas kids.
So I would want to know mypossible siblings and I say
possible because I want to get aDNA test.
That's what I have figured outon this journey.
I want to get a DNA test.
That's what I have figured outon this journey.
I would want to get a DNA test.
(28:47):
So, but I would have possiblesiblings.
And what I've also learned isthe kids have no fault in this.
You know adults making adultdecisions and you know they're
doing what they doing.
The kids have no faults in this, play no parts in this.
All we did was be born, that'sit.
So I would want to know if Ihave siblings, I would want to
know my siblings.
So that's the only part that Idon't want to say I'm not at
(29:10):
peace with, because it's notlike I don't have peace because
I have peace, yeah, but it'slike that's the only the unknown
that I want to know, like I, Iwant to continue this journey
because if I have siblings, Iwant to know my siblings.
I don't want to leave thisworld and have brothers and
sisters that I don't know.
Yeah, yeah, that makes sense.
Speaker 2 (29:30):
So have you thought about ever reaching out to them,
since you know their father haskind of disappeared?
What are your?
Speaker 1 (29:38):
thoughts on that yes.
I do.
Speaker 2 (29:41):
Okay, all right, so you'll be on the journey and
we'll see how that goes as faras that, maybe in a part two of
the podcast episode.
So you've told me how you foundout and all of those things,
and so I want to talk about alittle bit about telling your
(30:05):
family, like having theconversation with your husband.
Have you had the conversationwith your children?
What was that like?
Speaker 1 (30:28):
was that like okay.
So my children, my children,know me.
So, just like you guysexperienced me being very
transparent on the podcast.
But I'm on the podcast, I'mtransparent, but I'm transparent
in a way that I want to be.
I share the things that I wantto share.
I don't overshare, yes, butwith my kids they get an open
book, so it's like I share withthem.
(30:53):
But they've been along for thisjourney so they knew a lot
already.
It was just like me finallygetting the results, but they
knew so much already.
So when I told you know myyoungest, zoe Grace, she doesn't
understand.
The only thing she knew wasmommy said she was like mommy,
(31:15):
you okay, are you okay?
You sure you okay?
That was Zoe's response.
My son he is his father's child,so he is very blunt and makes
jokes and that's who he is.
So he was like I called him inthe room after I got the results
(31:36):
, after I talked to my husbandand we had our moment.
I call my kids in the room.
Well, my husband called thekids in the room and told them
we wanted to talk to them andafter I shared with them my son,
my son was the first one torespond and he was like you
(31:58):
called us in here for this.
Like we already, we alreadyknew this.
Like you've been sharing thiswith us for years.
You know I'm really open withmy kids.
I know some parents don't, youknow, share everything and no,
not to to.
I think parents should parentthe way that they feel is best
(32:18):
for their kids.
But I share, I share thingswith my kids.
I don't want any secrets withmy kids.
I share what I feel isappropriate, but I share a lot
with my kids.
So he knew a lot.
My kid, my older two kids knew alot already, so that's why he
responded that way.
But it was like, like it wasn'tno secret to him.
(32:39):
It was like he put he's 16.
He put pieces together.
When I was 16, I knew a lot too.
It was like when I was 16, myparents separated and when it
happened it was like it wasn'tno secret to me.
I knew this was coming.
I already knew this washappening.
So when he said it, it madecomplete sense to me and my
parents weren't even talking tome about what was happening.
(33:01):
I just read the room.
I knew and I'm openly havingconversations with my kids.
So as a parent who's talking totheir kids.
It wasn't a surprise that heresponded that way, so he
completely understood.
It was just I wanted to talk tothem because now I finally have
the actual results and I knowfor sure.
(33:23):
It's not a cloud over usanymore, or wondering, or we
think, but my son had put thepieces together.
He's like we don't see pawpawanymore.
He's not coming around, we'renot talking to him.
You know, now you're sayingthis.
It's like we already we alreadyknow this, so yeah, that's what
(33:48):
about your oldest daughter?
Speaker 2 (33:49):
what was her reaction ?
Speaker 1 (33:50):
mariah is very reserved with her emotions.
She didn't have much to say.
I think she was kind of takingin how I was feeling.
She just nodded her head.
She didn't say anything.
(34:11):
She's the one that I have tocheck in on when she's by
herself.
She's not going to say much.
She just kind of pays attentionto the surroundings, how you
feel and what's going on, andshe just pays attention.
Speaker 2 (34:25):
She won't say much and I know you said that you and
your husband had a momentbefore you told the kids, but
I'm I'm just assuming that heknew prior to the results as
well.
But take us to the moment ofthe results.
What was your husband'sreaction at that point?
Speaker 1 (34:43):
he asked me was I okay?
That was his first response areyou okay?
Because we had already talkedabout it, um, when I first did
the dna test which I told you Idid it on april 29th and he
asked me um, was I okay?
Because I had already told himthat I was at peace about it.
When I did the DNA test, I toldhim I was at peace about it,
(35:05):
whichever way the results went.
The only reason that I was doingit because I didn't want the
cloud over my head, like Ididn't want to wonder what if or
if it is, if it ain't, I justdidn't want that for my family.
I didn't want that for my kids,I didn't want that for my
grandkids.
Like I want us to be able to dothe hard, uncomfortable things,
(35:27):
like I want us to know I don'twant any secrets.
I just didn't want that for myfamily and for the generations
to come.
I just didn't want that.
So I was going to be okayeither way, even though I
desired my father to be myfather, but whatever the result
said to me, he's still my dad,um, but his first response was
(35:47):
are you okay?
And I was like yes, I, you know.
I meant what I said.
That's I.
I didn't want to do it until I,until I was okay, if that makes
sense like I didn't want to doit if I was not in a place where
I would be okay if the resultswas he's not my dad Right.
That's why I've been doing thework in therapy.
You know, and he was like hehates that because he doesn't
(36:13):
like the place my dad and I arein.
He doesn't because Corey and Ihave been together since high
school, so he knows what my dadand I's relationship was like
before all of this and he andhis dad don't have a close
relationship.
So to see the relationship thatmy dad and I have now and to
(36:37):
see how my dad has responded dueto all of this, it breaks my
husband's heart and he won't saythose words.
But just seeing his response tomy dad and how everything has
played out and us going tocouples therapy and seeing how
(37:00):
he talks about it, it hurts himyou know.
So he wasn't happy about it andhe's just not happy about any of
it at all.
Yeah, but he's glad that I'mokay.
He's not okay about it.
I'm just gonna be honest.
He's not okay about it.
I'm just going to be honest.
He's not okay about any of itand he doesn't even.
(37:20):
He doesn't even understand orcomprehend how I respond, the
way that I respond.
He doesn't understand how I canbe okay with all of these.
He doesn't even understand it.
So he's not okay, but he's gladthat I'm okay.
Speaker 2 (37:40):
If that, yeah, I hope that makes sense, makes that,
does make sense, maybe even likea little bit of transference,
because he doesn't have thatrelationship with his dad and I
can't say you know the work thathe's done or not done, but
you've done the work on this,and so maybe, if he hasn't
really resolved whatever he haswith his dad, it could be a
(38:01):
possibility that that's kind ofaffecting him in a way that he
may not even be able to reallycomprehend, like why am I so
affected by it?
You know?
So it is just one of thosethings where I'm happy that you
did the work.
I'm happy that you've come to aplace where you're not doing
everything for everybody else.
(38:22):
And that was the part that I, I, I my therapist hat was on.
I saw that it got emotional foryou when you kind of talked
about that.
Like when I talk about this, Irealized like I literally was
doing everything for everybodyelse for my mom, for my dad, for
the man that could possibly bemy dad, and now you're doing
(38:47):
what you need to do for you, andso that lets me know that you
have made progress in thishealing journey.
I want to open up the floor.
I do have one more question foryou.
It's going to be a two-parter,and that's the one I'll close on
.
But is there anything that youwould want to say, or any advice
(39:11):
that you may want to give, orjust anything that you want or
is on your heart about thistopic, about this situation,
that maybe I haven't asked?
Speaker 1 (39:20):
you I would say, if someone is struggling just to
piggyback off what you just said, because I did get emotional
about that part, because Iremember when I first started
therapy, when I was talking tomy therapist and literally you
know, know your therapist givingher the rundown of all of the
(39:42):
things that has been happeningto lead me up to getting to
therapy and she was telling methat I am a rescuer.
That's kind of the summary ofwhat she told me.
She said I see a need ineverybody else and I want to
meet the need.
I feel like I got to meet theneed in everybody else and I
want to meet the need.
I feel like I got to meet theneed for everybody else and I've
(40:03):
been doing this since mychildhood and I'm literally
talking to you about all ofthese things, even through my
childhood, about everybody else,and I had in the decisions that
I was making.
They were for everybody else.
And I'm the one over heresuffering, I'm dying, I'm
literally dying to saveeverybody else, but nobody is
(40:27):
saving me.
I'm over here dying, but I'mmaking decisions to save
everybody else.
And so I finally sat down on mytherapist's couch and realized,
after saying it out loud, thatthat's what I was doing, and I
didn't even realize it, like Ididn't even.
I didn't even realize it.
So I would encourage anybodyand it don't have to be what I'm
(40:52):
going through, whatever it is.
If you need to make a decisionto save yourself, save yourself.
And I don't care who it is Ifit's a parent, if it is a spouse
save yourself, save yourself,do the work.
(41:14):
They will be hurt, they will beoffended.
They may not like it, but saveyourself.
When you are on an airplane,one of the things that the
flight attendant tell you is toput, if the plane goes down, to
put your mask on first.
And that's what I had to learnhow to do, because while I was
(41:35):
so busy trying to do what ittakes to save everybody else, I
was over there dying.
I was literally dying becauseI'm trying to save everybody
else, but I had to begin to saveme.
That doesn't mean not to helppeople, not to make sure that
they're okay, but you got tosave you first.
So I would encourage you do thework.
(41:57):
And it's not easy work.
I told y'all this has been a 15, 16 year journey.
I'm not.
I just didn't wake up one dayand was strong enough and able
to tell my story and be able totalk about this with with no
unforgiveness in my heart and nohurt and no pain.
I didn't just wake up one dayand be able to do this.
(42:17):
I've done the work.
I've done the work with mytherapist.
I've done the work in myrelationship with Christ.
I've learned how to beself-aware, because there were
things that were wrong with me.
There were things that I neededto do for myself.
I'm not pointing the finger atanybody else.
There were things I needed tofix within myself.
There were things that I had tolearn.
There were places where Ineeded to grow.
(42:37):
There were things in me as well, but I had to learn how to do
the work.
I had to stop trying to rescueeverybody else and rescue
Monique.
Yes, choose you, save you, dothe work for you.
Speaker 2 (42:52):
That's good.
I got this vision of like ahouse being on fire and like
being like different stories andeverything, and instead of you
calling 9-1-1 and calling thefire department, you're the one
going running back and forth inthe house trying to get people
out of the fire.
And you don't have oxygen.
(43:13):
You don't have equipment to berunning in this house and all
you had to do was save yourself,go get help, and then they
would be safe.
You don't have to be the savior, you don't have to run in the
fires.
So that's what I'm taking awayfrom it.
You know, even to share andelaborate even further to help
(43:34):
people know like go get help.
If that's a therapist, ifthat's you know you just
removing yourself from thesituation, go get the help, save
yourself so that the othersthat you want to save can really
be saved.
It's not your job to save them.
It's not your job.
(43:57):
So the last question I want toask you is a two-parter I'm
going to.
I want to end it on a positivenote.
So the first part is what arethe negative ways that finding
out that your dad was not yourdad?
Has that affected younegatively?
How has finding thatinformation out about your
(44:19):
biological father and who it wasand who it wasn't and who it
might be.
How has that negativelyaffected you?
Speaker 1 (44:28):
It negatively affected me.
Okay, I'm going to say this.
I'm going to say this, but Idon't know if this is true or
not.
I don't know if this is forsure.
So I want to preface this bysaying this.
Speaker 2 (44:42):
Okay.
Speaker 1 (44:44):
When I found out that he was not my biological father
when I got the results a fewdays later, because when we got
the results, I got the resultsvia the mail and he was supposed
to get them by email.
Some reason he didn't get them.
(45:06):
So he reached out to me a fewdays later and asked me had I
received them?
And I was like, yeah, youdidn't get them.
You were supposed to get themby email.
He was like no, I didn't getthem.
So to get him by email, he waslike no, I didn't get him.
So you know something asserious as that.
I didn't want to just send thatthrough a text message because
(45:26):
he was texting me.
Like you know, I just don'twant to text you and be like
you're not my biological father.
So I took a picture of theresults and sent it to him.
He got him and I never heardfrom him again, and that was in
May.
This is August.
I never heard from him again.
(45:50):
I've heard from my stepmotherand I won't say anything about
that because that's his wife andI don't.
I don't, I don't know what hewould think or what he would say
, but she has reached out to meand she's been there.
She's been there.
She's been there for me.
So I appreciate and I love herfor that, but I have not heard
(46:12):
from him at all.
So that's one of the negativeways that it has impacted me,
because this was like it's likeit's solidified that we may no
longer have a relationship yeah,that's hard yeah.
(46:34):
So it was like it's likegrieving a loss and that's why
we kind of opened up with thatgrieving part, Because I've been
grieving it but it's likegrieving that friendship that's
not the same anymore.
But there's a chance you guysmay fix things.
(46:56):
But when the friendship isreally over and you know you
guys are not coming back, youreally have to like grieve it
for real Cause you know you guysare not coming back.
But I I I prefaced it withsaying like I don't know if this
is really true, because as aChristian I always have hope.
(47:18):
I know God can redeem andrestore any relationship.
So my prayer and my hope isthat one day my dad and I's
relationship can be fixed, itcan be restored, it will be
redeemed.
You know, that is my hope andmy desire, Because again I have
(47:39):
no unforgiveness in my hearttowards him, even though he
abandoned me.
I struggle with that word.
I really me and my therapisthave a hard time in our session
with that word because heabandoned me and I don't because
I saw my dad in such a highesteem all my life.
(48:01):
I struggle seeing him in anynegative way.
I really struggle with that.
So I have hope that we one daycan have a great relationship
again.
So that's the negative way itimpacted me.
It's like, now that the resultsthat he is now my biological
father, there's a chance we maynever have a relationship again.
He could go the rest of hislife and never talk to me again
(48:24):
because I'm not his biologicaldaughter.
There's a chance of that, youknow, but God can do all things
as well.
Speaker 2 (48:31):
So, yeah, I'm gonna be praying that with you and for
you.
You know that that relationshipis restored one day.
I do believe God can.
He definitely can turn itaround and I just pray he
softens his heart, he heals hiswounds and whatever he's dealing
with, you know that he reallyheals from it, cause I'm sure
(48:54):
he's dealing with some thingsyou know on this journey if he's
choosing to go on it himself.
So yeah, so one more question,and I said I want to try to end
it on kind of a positive note.
I know this is a heavy topic,but tell me a way or some ways
that this has positivelyaffected Monique Simmons.
(49:16):
What has this done for you?
Speaker 1 (49:24):
affected, monique Simmons.
What has this done?
for you, uh this journey because, again, this has been a journey
, honey, I know it.
Um, this journey has made mewiser, it has grown me up, it
has made me trust God in a waythat I didn't even know I could
trust God.
It has made me know God as afather.
(49:45):
You know, we, we quotescriptures and we talk about
God's word, but it's a.
It's a difference in knowingand quoting God's word but
really intimately knowing God'sword.
When I say God is a father tothe fatherless, that's not just
like if your father is dead, ifhe's not physically on his earth
(50:08):
anymore, but my father is notin my life as far as a
relationship.
So I had to learn to lean onGod as a father and to get to
know him in that kind of way.
It has been beautiful.
I mean it has really beenbeautiful, and it has
(50:32):
tremendously blessed my life andI wouldn't have known that if
my dad wouldn't have walked outthe way he did.
So it has matured me and mademe lean and depend on God in a
way that I didn't before Like.
Again, this started when I was19, you know, and I gave my life
to Christ at 21 and I've grownin my walk.
(50:56):
I've got to know God intimatelyand personally.
It even helped me in myrelationship with my kids, Like
I never want my kids toexperience what I've experienced
.
And don't get me wrong, I toldyou guys I've grown in my
relationship with my mom, buteven my relationship with my mom
has been up and down throughall of these.
(51:17):
I don't want my kids toexperience what I've had to
experience in my relationshipwith my parents.
So I love on them, I talk tothem, I'm close to them, like it
.
Just it's taught me everythingI don't want to do and I have to
lean on God in such a heavy wayto do the complete opposite of
(51:41):
everything that I've been taughtand everything that I've been
shown, because I don't know howto do this of my own Because of
all the things I've seen andI've experienced, and I have to
get all of that from God.
So I have to lean on God somuch to teach me what to do and
how to do it.
Speaker 2 (52:00):
So yeah, Well, I don't think that there's a
better way to end it Thinkingabout what you're taking away
from it instead of what you'velost.
What you gain from it is somuch more than the things that
you may be lacking earthly and Iknow sometimes physically,
(52:20):
mentally, emotionally it may notfeel like that, but it is
something that has blessed you,it's grown you, and so just let
that be the takeaway from today.
My friend, I am so proud of you, so so, very proud of you.
This is one of the bravestthings that I believe that you
(52:41):
could have ever done, and youknow the conversations we have
had and I just it almost bringsme to tears like I just
literally am proud of you.
I'm proud of you.
You're inspiring me, you'rehelping me to get free myself,
and so I know that you're goingto do it for others, and so I
(53:04):
just want to say, on behalf ofyour listeners, on behalf of me
as your friend, as your sisterin Christ, I thank you, I love
you and you are just amazing,you are absolutely amazing.
So that concludes our interview.
You have anything else?
I know you've given me thereins, but do you have anything
(53:25):
else that you want to say beforewe head out tonight?
Speaker 1 (53:28):
I just want to say thank you Seriously.
You have been an amazing host.
This is only just a sample ofwhat's to come for you on your
podcast.
I'm excited to see what God isgoing to do in and through you.
I wish you the absolute best onyour journey.
Thank you for even agreeing todo this.
(53:48):
I appreciate you.
Speaker 2 (53:50):
You're welcome, I appreciate you and you know
you've come to be a guest.
We're already agreed, so don'ttake that I will be there on
tell the audience how they canfind you your social media
platforms, website, all thatgood stuff, alright so the ways
you can find me, you all, as shesaid, I call myself the
(54:10):
neighborhood, your neighborhoodhope dealer.
So I'm on Instagramneighborhood hope dealer 22.
I'm also on TikTok neighborhoodhope dealer 22.
I'm also on Tik TOKneighborhood hope dealer 22 or
2022.
One of those.
You can follow me on Facebook myname is Ashley Jenkins, spelled
the regular way, and onFacebook live, and I'll be doing
(54:33):
podcasts, as Mo has inspired meto do, cause I was just going
to do Facebook live, but I'll bedoing Spill the Tea therapy
talk sessions Facebook Livestarting in September, every
Tuesday at 8 pm, centralStandard Time, and really it'll
be a lot like this, just kind oflike a therapy session looking
(54:54):
for people to interview.
So if you're a business owner,if you're a mental health
professional and you'reinterested, or even just someone
that has something you want toshare, or you want to come get
on my couch and we just talk,you all can send information or
send a request to info atinfluentialtouchcom.
That's my email and that's alsohow you can reach me about any
(55:17):
booking for any type of speakingengagements or therapy as well.
Speaker 1 (55:23):
Awesome.
You guys, go follow and checkout my girl until next time and
we'll see you next season,season eight.
I hope you guys have enjoyedtoday's episode.
I hope it has blessed you,helped you wherever you are.
Do the work, don't forgetrescue yourself, save, you go
(55:44):
get help um, I love you, butremember god loves you so much
more.
bye, guys, bye.
I hope you guys have enjoyedFollow me on Facebook at Demo
with Mo.
If you have any questions youwould like answered here live on
(56:06):
my podcast, email them to me.
At Demo with Mo at gmailcom.
That's D-E-M-O-W-I-T-H-M-O atgmailcom.
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