015 Why Your Words Matter: Affirmation in Play

In this episode, we delve into the fascinating world of child play through the lens of play schemas and the powerful impact of words of affirmation. Understanding why children engage in particular play patterns allows us to connect with them on a deeper level and support their growth more effectively. These schemas are not simply repetitive behaviors; they serve as gateways to developing essential skills like problem-solving and spatial awareness.

We discuss how to frame our communication to not only encourage our children but also help them understand the value of their efforts. Words hold tremendous power; hence, using affirmations thoughtfully can have a lasting impact on their self-esteem and overall development. Through concrete examples, we explore how to apply praise thoughtfully, nurturing your child’s sense of self regardless of the situation.

As we navigate the complexities of parenting, we recognize the importance of our energy and positivity in our interactions. Listening to your child’s play and responding with affirmation is key to fostering a supportive learning environment. This conversation focuses on practical, actionable insights for parents to implement at home, enhancing connections with your children while encouraging their unique paths to learning and exploration.


 What You’ll Discover in This Episode:

✔️ The 10 Play Schemas – How children explore the world through play
✔️ Why Play Schemas Matter – Reduce frustration and support learning
✔️ Words That Empower – Practical scripts to affirm and encourage your child
✔️ The Hidden Power of Praise – How to uplift without over-praising
✔️ Avoiding Common Pitfalls – The impact of sarcasm, tone, and empty praise

Join us for a warm, engaging discussion that encourages deeper understanding and nurturing connections in your parenting journey. Don’t forget to subscribe, share, and leave a review to help us reach even more families!

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Want to hear all the juicy details first? Just listen to Episode 28, where I give you the full overview.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:00):
and you just see that little smile and that little
sparkle in his eye.
So, thinking about how you canput in your words of affirmation
to random places that aren'teven attached to anything
specific you're doing it's justshowing that you love them as
them Kia ora.
Hello, I'm Ruth Bercow, ateacher turned mum, here on a
mission to demystify child'splay through understanding play

(00:23):
schemas.
If you've ever found yourselfasking why is my child doing
that, whether it's throwingtheir soft toys, hiding stones
around the house or lining uptheir crayons, then you're in
the right place and certainlynot alone.
Here we'll explore the magic ofplay through the lens of play
schemas, those hidden, repeatedpatterns in your child's

(00:43):
behaviour that holds the key tounlocking more meaningful play
and connection.
Through understanding playschemers, you'll be able to move
beyond those one-off activitiesand understand the why behind
your child's play.
Join me each week as we diveinto playful insights that will
help you bring more joy,connection and understanding

(01:04):
into your parenting journey andset the stage for a lifetime of
learning.
Let's dive on in.
Hello and welcome to theDemystifying Child's Play
podcast, the podcast where weunlock secrets of how their
little one learns through play.
I'm Ruth Vercoe, and todaywe're diving into two powerful

(01:25):
topics that can transform yourparenting Play schemers and the
love language, words ofaffirmation, which is the way we
speak to our children, and howmuch it matters, because the
right words at the right timecan have a lasting impact, but
also negative words can have alasting impact too.
So we're going to have a lookat both, and when we understand
how our child plays, we canconnect with them in a way that

(01:48):
nurtures their development andstrengthens our relationship.
So what are play schemers?
Play schemers are those naturalrepetitive patterns of play
that children engage in as theyexplore the world around them.
There are 10 common playschemers, including trajectory,
which is throwing and droppingobjects, transportation, which
is moving things from one placeto another, and enclosure, which

(02:08):
is like building forts andputting things inside containers
.
These play urges are howchildren learn fundamental
skills like problem solving,coordination and spatial
awareness.
As parents, understanding theseschemers can reduce our
frustration and help us supportour child's natural curiosity.
So, instead of feeling annoyedwhen your toddler throws their
spoon again, you can recogniseit as a part of their trajectory

(02:31):
schema and provide somealternative, safe ways for them
to explore it, like tossingsoftballs into a basket.
So let's get comfortable,whether you're out on a walk
catching a rare moment of quietor multitasking around the house
.
Let's dive in and explore thesecond of five love languages
words of affirmation, and how wecan incorporate it into our
everyday play.
And, as I said in previousepisodes, this series is based

(02:54):
on the five love languages ofchildren by Gary Chapman, which
I highly recommend you get yourhands on, and, if you can wait
until the end of the series,everyone on my mailing list is
going to be in the draw to win acopy, no matter where in the
world you are.
As long as you can get postsinto your house, you can be in
to win.
So head to Play Schemas, that'splay S-C-H-E-M-A-S dot com to

(03:14):
join the mailing list before theend of March 2025.
Otherwise, if you're listeninglater, join it anyway.
There'll be some great stuffthere.
Let's start the love language,words of affirmation.
This is one of the five lovelanguages identified by Gary
Chapman.
This love language is aboutverbal expression of love and
encouragement.
Children who thrive on words ofaffirmation need to hear that

(03:36):
they are loved not just for whatthey do, but for who they are.
This means offering positivereinforcement, acknowledging
achievements and praisingefforts, not just outcomes.
Saying I love how you keeptrying, when they're learning to
ride a bike, for example, isfar more impactful than you're
such a good cyclist.
We've had this recently withour three nearly four-year-old

(03:56):
going from a balance bike arunning bike, we'd call it to a
pedal bike with training wheels,to a pedal bike without
training wheels but needing theadult to help, to being able to
do it completely independently.
Being able to encourage him totry and try and try, and saying
that when he's falling over,that's part of trying, has been
really important.
If we just said you're learningto be such a good cyclist, he
wouldn't have had that explicitand timely praise along the way,

(04:17):
which a probably wouldn't havehelped his progression as much
because he wouldn't have knownwhat he was doing really well,
but also it wouldn't have filledhis bucket as much.
So having that I love how youkeep trying.
I love how you knew thatfalling over was part of your
learning experience.
Having those words ofaffirmation in there gave him
much more bucket filling, muchmore encouragement than just
you're a great cyclist, you'redoing really well, and that's

(04:38):
because it highlights the effortrather than just a label.
However, there is a balance ifwe over our words can lose their
meaning.
Saying great job every timethey do something small can make
the praise feel empty.
Instead, we need to be specific.
That was an amazing throw.
You aimed so well.
This makes your words moremeaningful.
And then, in the same breath,we need to be careful with our

(05:00):
sarcasm.
As adults we've learned,especially in New Zealand, how
to use sarcasm really well withother adults.
Children often don't understandsarcasm.
If we said to them great throw,when it maybe hit a window or
hit a sibling, they'll begetting confused, saying they
just said it was really great,but now they're saying it's not
good.
Or saying, wow, great jobmaking that mess.

(05:21):
It might seem harmless, but toa child it can be confusing or
even hurtful.
The words we use shape the wayour children see themselves and
see the world.
Our words either encourage ordiscourage our children's effort
.
So, for example, when they'relearning new words, maybe when
they're mastering toileting ortrying to ride a bike, if they
only hear criticism they mayfeel like they're constantly

(05:42):
failing, but if they hearencouragement, they'll be
building confidence in theirabilities.
I've seen this time and timeagain with toileting.
We've had one of our childrenlearn how to use a toilet and
we're thinking about soonprobably starting teaching our
other child.
But along the journey I've seensome really negative language
being used around toileting andkids learning and really shaming
them.
And then I've seen the speed ofthem learning how to use the

(06:04):
toilet really diminish comparedto those kids who have been
really uplifted and encouragedand positive talk around their
bodies and using the toilet.
Their trajectory about learninghow to use the toilet on their
own is often a lot faster, witha lot less accidents.
When talking to others aboutthis, sometimes it's just really

(06:24):
hard to find the right words.
If you're finding this hard,have a go at just stopping and
checking in with yourself.
If your tank's running on emptyeither physically, emotionally,
spiritually, mentally it can behard to offer encouragement to
other people.
So make sure as a parent which,especially as mums can be
really hard to do you need totake care of yourself first so
that you can show up with theright energy and enthusiasm for
your child.
When you're feeling positiveabout yourself and you've got

(06:46):
energy, you might be doing somethings with fitness, you might
be working your brain, you mightbe doing different things just
to make you feel you again.
If you're bringing your rightenergy.
If you're bringing yourself toyour child, then you can really
encourage them, and it'ssomething we can all work on.
And the same with this beingable to bring your right self is
bringing the right volume.
If we're constantly raising ourvoice over and over again when

(07:08):
our child does something wrong,they'll learn to do the same.
We can all learn to speaksoftly and respectfully.
So modeling the communicationwe want to see to them is how we
do it.
For example, you've probablyall heard the whole don't you
yell at me?
Hmm, what are you teaching themthere?
It can be really easy in themoment to raise and have that
anger and have that level comeup.
But being able to pull it downand being able to meet it in a

(07:31):
different way, saying hey, thatwas really not how we talk to
each other at home, modelling it, talking through it and making
sure that's how you talk toothers in your house as well If
your child is seeing you andyour partner raising your voice
at each other all the time, it'sreally hard to say we can do it
, but you can't.
So think about how you usethose words and tones at home.
Now, as I said at the start.

(07:51):
Words have power to transformtheir lives positively, but also
negatively.
You've got the power to commendor condemn in the same place,
and this really shapes the innervoice.
It can be very easy to spotwhat our child is doing wrong,
especially at the end of a longday, but let's flip that and
focus on what they're doingright.
So instead of saying don't beso loud, like I was saying

(08:14):
before, maybe try and say let'suse a quieter voice so we can
hear each other better.
Even a positive message framednegatively can often lead to
negative results.
Saying don't be so loud, as Ijust said, doesn't really give
any context or any reason whySaying let's use a quieter voice
so we can all hear each otherbetter gives them a reason and
helps bring the tone down.

(08:35):
One more thing before I get intosome ideas of how to show love
through the play schemers usingwords of affirmation, is that
love should never come withconditions.
Saying I really love you whenyou behave sends the message
that love must be earned.
Instead, make sure they hear Ilove you no matter what, and if
we slip up, make sure weapologize quickly.
Words linger and childrenremember them.

(08:58):
Owning our mistakes teachesthem that words matter and that
we value honesty and connection.
As I've said in another episode,one of our sons is really into
gifts as a love language, buthe's also very into words of
affirmation.
I've really learned this.
When I say something to himwhere I do affirm him, he goes
thank you, mom.
And, as I've said before, hesaid that he feels really loved.
And I've said before, he saidthat he feels really loved and

(09:19):
I've learned with this.
Because of words of affirmation, I do need to throw it into
other places.
So sometimes we might be justsitting down reading together or
playing and I'll just look athim and go Nancy, I really love
you, I'm really enjoyingspending this time with you, and
you just see that little smileand that little sparkle in his
eye.
So, thinking about how you canput in your words of affirmation
to random places that aren'teven attached to anything
specific you're doing, it's justshowing that you love them as

(09:41):
them.
Okay, I'm going to share nowsome scripts that you can use
that align words of affirmationand the love languages and what
I'll do.
I'll share them on my blog,which is playschemerscom slash
015 for number 15 episode, andon Instagram, too, through the
week, which is at play,underscore schemers.
Okay, we're going to go throughthe 10 different ones and I'll
share two different ways foreach one and how you can use

(10:02):
word of affirmation with thatschema.
So, number one we'll go throughthe orientation schema, which
is exploring differentviewpoints.
For example, hanging upsidedown, looking through legs, you
could say I love how you'reexploring the world in different
ways.
That is so creative.
Or you have such a curious mind.
What does it look like fromthat angle?
With both of those, you'reshowing love.

(10:23):
You're showing how you'rereally impressed with what
they're doing and you'reexpanding the conversation as
well, allowing them into it.
Okay, number two We'll try togo through this quickly.
It's the enclosure schema, soit's creating boundaries around
objects or themselves.
So building forts, makingcircles with toys.
You could say, wow, you madesuch a cozy little space.
You are such a great builder.
Or I love how you're making aspecial area.

(10:46):
It looks like such a fun placeto be.
Next, the rotation schema.
Whether fascinated withspinning, turning wheels,
rolling balls spinningthemselves, you could say I see
how much you love spinning.
Your body is moving in such afun way.
Or that wheel is turning sofast.
You're really paying attentionto how things move, okay.

(11:12):
Number four the transportationschema, which is moving objects
or themselves from one place toanother, for example, carrying
toys, pushing carts, fillingbags.
You could say you're such agreat helper, I love how you're
moving things so carefully.
You could say I can see you'vegot a plan for all your toys.
What a smart way to move them.
Trajectory schema, which isexploring movement in straight
lines or curved lines throwing,jumping, running, sliding

(11:32):
objects.
Wow, you have so much energy.
I love watching you run andjump.
Or you threw that.
So far, you're really figuringout how things move.
Number six the positioningschema, which is arranging
objects in a specific way, forexample, lining up toys and
stacking items neatly.
You could say you're sothoughtful about where

(11:52):
everything goes.
I love your eye for detail.
Or your lineup of cars looksamazing.
You're making such a carefulpattern.
Can you tell me more about it?
Number seven is the connectionschema Joining things together,
building blocks, tying thingstogether, linking train tracks,
linking hands.
You could say you're so good atmaking things work together.
That's some great problemsolving.

(12:13):
Or I love how you're connectingeveryone.
It looks like an amazingcreation.
Number eight disconnectionschema taking things apart, so
breaking down towers, unhookingtrain tracks, peeling stickers.
You could say you're so curiousabout how things come apart.
That's a great way to learn.
Or I love how you're exploringdifferent ways to change things.

(12:35):
It's so clever.
Number nine transformationschema, which is changing
materials, mixing, moulding,cooking, messy play, pretend
play.
You could say you have such acreative imagination.
I love how you turn one thinginto another.
Or that's an amazing mix youmade.
You are such a great scientist.
And number 10, enveloping, whichis when they're wrapping or

(12:57):
covering objects or themselves,for example, dressing up,
wrapping toys, hiding in toys,hiding in blankets.
You could say, wow, you wrappedup your titties so carefully
and thoughtfully.
Or you could say, far out, youdressed up so amazingly.
I didn't even know who you were.
You have to tell me about whoyou are today.
So, thinking about all of that,you would have heard in my
voice it was positive.

(13:18):
You could change them, probablybeing exactly the same words
with a negative voice, and havea very different outcome.
So think about, with whatyou're saying, how you're using
your voice for it as well.
So, with this, parenting is fullof challenges, but you know
what.
You're listening to thispodcast, so you're doing a great
job, you're investing inyourself and your family.
When we understand our child'splay and love language, we can

(13:38):
make every moment count and byby recognizing their play
schemers, we support theirdevelopment in a way that feels
natural.
By using words of affirmationthoughtfully, we can build them
up with love and encouragement.
So if you found today's episodehelpful, I'd love to connect
with you on instagram at playunderscore schemers or head to
the show notes playschemerscomfor more insights and resources.
And if you know a fellow parentwho needs this, please share the

(13:59):
episode with them.
And I never thought.
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you, so please leave a review onyour favorite podcast platform.
Thank you so much for spendingthis time with me.
Until next time, say it with metoday is a great day to play.