August 27, 2025 • 23 mins
Responsibility might seem like the buzzkill of desire, but what if it’s actually the key to deep fulfillment? Brenda and Catherine challenge the fantasy that our wants should simply appear without effort. Instead, they explore how taking ownership of our desires creates the fertile ground for them to flourish—both within ourselves and in our relationships.
They discuss the natural seasons of desire and how what we want changes over time, requiring different kinds of attention and action. Brenda shares her current journey toward homeownership as an example of holding space for a big desire even when the path forward isn’t clear. Catherine reflects on her younger self who avoided window shopping because wanting felt too painful, showing how our relationship with desire can evolve as we grow.
The conversation turns to sexual responsibility, revealing how true freedom comes from creating safety. They encourage listeners to consider the lasting impact of their choices, especially when those choices involve creating life with another person. As Brenda notes from personal experience, “We are no longer married and we are in it for life,” reminding us that some connections are permanent through our children.
Whether you’re reconnecting with a dormant desire, reassessing your priorities, or trying to understand why certain wants feel so urgent, this episode offers compassionate guidance. The magic happens when responsibility and desire work together—not as limitation, but as the foundation for true freedom.
Episode Highlights
• Taking responsibility for desires rather than turning away when they feel out of reach
• Using discernment to prioritize what matters most in your current season of life
• How “window shopping” for desires helps you become the person who can receive them
• Reconnecting with desire by identifying what works best for you—stillness for some, movement for others
• How sexual responsibility creates the safety that leads to more freedom and pleasure
• Making choices with awareness of their potential lifelong consequences
• Navigating co-parenting relationships that continue beyond divorce
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Email Us:
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@Brenda_Fredericks
@CoachCatherineN
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:08):
Welcome to Desire is Medicine.
We are two very different womenliving a life led by desire,
inviting you into our world.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
I'm Brenda.
I'm a devoted practitioner tobeing my fully expressed true
self in my daily life.
Motherhood relationships and mybusiness Desire has taken me on
quite a ride and every day Ipractice listening to and
following the voice within.
I'm a middle school teacherturned coach and guide of the
feminine.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the
truest and hopefully thehighest version of me.
I don't have children, I'venever been married.
I've spent equal parts of mylife in corporate as in some
down and low shady spaces.
I was the epitome of tired andwired and my path led me to
explore desire.
I'm a coach, guide, energyworker and a forever student.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Even after decades of inner work, we are humble
beginners on the mat, stillexploring, always curious.
We believe that listening toand following the nudge of
desire is a deep spiritualpractice that helps us grow.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
On the Desires Medicine podcast.
We talk to each other, weinterview people we know and
love about the practice ofdesire, bringing in a very
important piece that is oftenoverlooked being responsible for
our desire.
Welcome back listeners, family,friends, so happy to have you.
(01:34):
Thank you for tuning back in toDesire as Medicine podcast.
I am here with the lovelyBrenda, as usual, so grateful to
have her and so grateful tohave you.
So let's get right into it.
Today we are talking about thelovely topic of responsibility.
I love how I call it a lovelytopic.
It's the topic that sometimespeople want to throw out.
We all want what we want, butwe just want it to happen.
(01:57):
We want it to be delivered bythe I don't know the angels, the
masters, the guides.
They just come to your doorstepand just deliver what you want
as if it doesn't have any factor, as if your actions don't play
any factors, and you'rereceiving what you want, which
is completely untrue.
We do have to take action.
(02:21):
We have to ask ourselves tonsof questions what do we want?
What do we want now?
How does that feel?
How does that feel in my bodyor our bodies?
And we have talked about thispart in the past.
Brenda and I.
There is an actual hierarchy.
We tend to want tons of thingsall at the same time and we're
responsible for deciding whattakes precedent.
(02:42):
Right, brenda?
How do you shuffle that?
Speaker 2 (02:45):
Such a great question .
I mean, I think there'sdifferent seasons of our life.
We have different seasons wherewe want different things, and
sometimes we want one thing andthen we have it or we don't, and
we grow and then we naturallywant something else.
I think that's correct.
We did an episode on enough,like oh, when do you know you
(03:06):
have enough?
And the whole idea, the wholemyth that, oh, you have enough,
you shouldn't want more, right,but we do, I think, just as
humans, we naturally want more.
And so there's just a seasonfor different things.
The season that I'm in right nowis I want my home.
(03:26):
I've been traveling around a lot.
I've owned two homes in my life,so I've had that, but I haven't
had it in this form now in mylife and it takes an enormous
amount of responsibility for meto have to hold, I should say
because I don't have it yet butto hold this desire of having my
(03:47):
home again, having my beautifulhome.
So that's the thing that I'mworking on right now, which
means that I'm taking deeperresponsibility for my finances
right and holding that desire.
It's very easy, when we don'tknow how we're going to have
something, to dismiss it or dropit or hot potato it onto
somebody else, and what we'retalking about here is holding
(04:12):
your desire, being responsiblefor your desire, like having the
rightness in your internalsystem that I want this thing,
and sometimes it's so big and itfeels unattainable you don't
know how to have it, but yetit's calling you, and I think
(04:36):
when things get scary, it ismaybe our natural tendency to
turn away from it.
But if we are saying that ourdesires call us to something
bigger, call us deeper into whowe are, into this new iteration
of ourselves, while then holdingit and following the
(04:59):
breadcrumbs hashtag, beingresponsible, it's not about
attainment.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
It's about growing into the person who can have
that thing 1000%.
I'm thinking about somethingthat we've talked about in the
past.
You just mentioned holding yourdesire, and it had me think of
window shopping.
There was a time when I was ateen and I had some roommates.
Mom had passed and so Icouldn't just buy whatever I
(05:29):
wanted.
There was definitely ahierarchy of what I could have
and I could not window shop.
It just felt so sad to pass bystores and see something that I
wanted and I couldn't have it,which makes sense as to why,
when I did have more financescoming in, why I was buying,
like you know, x amount oft-shirts in different colors
because I liked the shirt or thejeans or the bag, because I had
(05:51):
such a hungry ghost energyaround that particular piece,
because I couldn't give it tomyself in the past.
There is a location where partof becoming the person that gets
to have it is the windowshopping of whatever that looks
like.
Sometimes it's a vision board.
Sometimes, if it's a house,maybe you start visiting Zillow
(06:13):
or MLS listings and just seeingoh, would this be the house?
Would this be the house, wouldthis be the neighborhood, really
feeling into what feels good tome what feels like a yes.
As you continue to move day today holding the desire of I want
this new home, and I know, as aperson who couldn't window shop
, that sometimes that in itselfis hard to hold, but that is our
(06:35):
responsibility.
I could have easily said, oh, Ican't have it because of, or
put the blame on someone else.
It because of, or put the blameon someone else.
I'm sure our society does tonsof that.
There's endless amounts ofexamples of that.
But if we don't do that, one ofthe options is if I am
responsible for having what Iwant, then what would be the
(06:59):
next step towards getting this?
What's one small step?
And focusing less on theattainment, on the outcome,
focusing more on just the nextstep?
I know what I want.
What's the next step from here?
So thank you so much for sharingthat on the house.
I love that so much.
I can't wait to see what comesup, what kind of magic you
(07:21):
create.
And you talked about thehierarchies, you talked about
the different seasons, and Ialso want to bring into the ring
that we're responsible forfeeling that desire, holding it
and feeling it right.
That's a whole differentconversation in itself that
we've talked about in the pastof what happens when you don't
feel tapped in or connected tothat feeling, but it's our
(07:45):
responsibility to get re-tappedin, to do it all over again.
For me, one of the major onesis practicing some stillness and
I think, for you right, one ofthe major ways you do it is that
you move, you go into movement.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
I really do.
Yeah, I love that we holddifferent poles for this.
And it's not that stillnessdoesn't work for me, it
absolutely does, and I do needstillness.
I definitely like to go intonature, I like to swim, I like
to dance a lot.
When I dance and move, Iremember who I am.
No-transcript.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
I think it's important for us to know what
that is.
Exactly that is ourresponsibility to know.
Oh okay, I need some stillness.
For me, stillness, I think, isone of the go-tos, because
sometimes, when I'm not tappedin, I'm going too fast, my brain
is going too fast or I myselfam going too fast.
Maybe I'm going fromappointment to appointment to
appointment, zoom call, zoomcall, zoom call, or conversation
(08:48):
, conversation, and there's justso much movement that somehow I
get sort of untethered,potentially not necessarily
fully ungrounded, but I get thisfeeling of I don't feel so
sturdy and I have to kind oflike pause and collect myself.
Sometimes it is going for awalk, because sometimes I have
so much energy moving through mybody but I don't have the
(09:10):
energy to do anything and mymind isn't working, and so
movement is the best thing forme at that time.
But it was my responsibility tofigure this out and through
practice like this is what worksfor me and it sounds like
through practice, you've alsofound what works for you
Absolutely, and it is a practiceand it's so personal and it can
also change.
Speaker 2 (09:31):
So what worked for me last week or last year or when
I was in my 20s or 30s, might bevery different when I'm in my
40s or 50s.
And I love that you brought upabout being responsible, because
it's so much easier when youdon't know how to have something
to just deny it altogether.
But you're saying, oh, I reallyenjoyed window shopping and
(09:52):
what a beautiful gift to giveyourself.
It's just kind of like being inthe desire, just like looking
around and what do you want andjust letting yourself kind of be
in that.
It's very often we just, well,I don't have any money, I can't
shop, so I can't go, and that'sreally just kind of cutting
ourselves off.
(10:13):
And people will do that withfood as well.
You were talking about thehierarchy of desires and that
makes me think about food.
Right, I want to eat all theyummy things that I love and I
could say, oh, that's my desire,right.
(10:38):
But if I'm really responsiblewith my desire, I'm actually not
doing that, because my deeperdesire is to be healthy and to
feel agile in my body, which isanother really big thing that
I'm working on right now.
So it's not about denyingyourself, but it really is about
discernment.
Like what is it that you andsometimes do I give myself the
(11:01):
ice cream A hundred percent, butnot all the time, because then
it does kind of fall into likecompulsion or hungry ghost kind
of thing where I'm looking forit to fill a need.
But the discernment is reallyimportant here when we're
talking about how can we giveourselves what we want, and I
(11:22):
think that does come withmaturity.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
For sure practice.
I think you mentioned hungryghost, and for sure I think one
of the reasons why windowshopping was so difficult was
because there was a hungry ghostand I knew that nothing would
satisfy or satiate that peace.
And it wasn't about the peacethat I wanted.
Something else was occurringand I knew there would be
dissatisfaction.
And so how do you?
(11:45):
I just didn't have the toolsback then.
We're talking about way backwhen, many, many decades ago.
So I don't have like hindsightis always 20-20.
At that time I definitely didnot know what I know now.
Let's see if we can move whenwe're thinking about
responsibility and desire, if wecan start moving towards, like
(12:05):
going inching our way towardsresponsibility of sex, and one
of the things that can happen tous is that when we're starved
of sex right Like beingresponsible of getting fed what
does that look like for us?
What does it require?
Does that mean that we need aboyfriend, a girlfriend, like,
do we need a partnership?
Can we have something that'smore casual?
(12:27):
Are we not that casual?
Are we more of an attachedarchetype, like what do we need
in order to be able to fulfillthis desire?
I think that's ourresponsibility.
And does something pop up foryou.
Okay, she's not telling us thesecrets, people, she's like
keeping it to herself.
She unmuted, but she's justlooking at me like you know what
(12:49):
, catherine.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
I'm not going to tell you Jack, diddy, jack.
No, jack Diddy for you, keepgoing, you're on a roll.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
When we're thinking about responsibility, we can
start looking at responsibilitytowards sex.
And are we starved?
How can we feed ourselves?
Are we someone who getsattached?
Does this mean that we cannothave something casual, because
it would be like ouchies for ourheart and we can't do that sort
(13:17):
of thing?
Maybe that means that we leantowards a boyfriend.
Maybe he's not our forever man,but definitely our for our for.
Definitely.
Maybe not our forever, butdefinitely a for now, depending
on what season of life you're in.
If sex is a need, if you have astarvation type sort of hungry
(13:41):
ghost there, how can you touchthat in a very responsible way
If you're not planning ongetting pregnant?
Responsible way If you're notplanning on getting pregnant,
are you using condoms?
Are you making sure that you'retaking STD tests?
Are you guys sharing your tests?
How safe are the tests?
(14:02):
Are you just sharingscreenshots?
Are you sending PDFs?
Do you see the dates on them?
Have they been altered?
All these questions that we needto ask ourselves before
deciding okay, I'm going toengage in a sexual activity with
this other individual, becausesometimes we have to remember
that love is not enough.
Maybe you even just love thisperson, but do you love them
enough to have a child?
Or have you talked about whatit's going to look like if you
(14:24):
potentially get pregnant?
Do you want to co-parent withthis person?
Would you like to have a littlemini me that is, behaves and
looks just like this otherindividual?
Is that what you're looking forLike?
These are all questions thatneed to be asked.
This is being responsible.
It's not just willy nilly.
Oh, the fantasy was so great.
I just had such a fun time.
(14:45):
Like we need to be able tomarry fun and responsibility
together.
Not just look after our turn on, look after being resourced,
make sure that we're not starved, but in doing that that we're
also responsible, because aswomen, we can create a life.
And it's not to scare everybodyand say you know, I'm
(15:06):
practicing some form ofreligious what is it called,
brenda, when somebody's nothaving sex?
Speaker 2 (15:13):
Celibacy, abstinence, abstinence.
I like how we both just came upwith completely different words
, but they're both true.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Yes, I don't mean I'm not advocating for that, but I
am saying you have to thinkabout it for yourself.
One of the things that comes tome when I'm talking to either
women or clients is when theysay I can't believe this
happened.
I'm like really, you can'tbelieve this happened.
You were literally in the babymaking like position.
What do you mean?
You didn't know it was going tohappen.
(15:40):
This didn't look like somethingI was going to do.
It's sort of like I put the eggon the frying pan with the oil
and the heat on.
I can't believe it's cookedLike yeah, that's how it happens
, exactly like that, and so Ineed us to be responsible ladies
.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
Oh my God, you're so funny, that's so funny.
I think when that happens,we're just in wishful thinking,
like whatever it is and that's agreat example, but it's like,
oh, I don't want this thing tohappen and I'm just going to
take the actions anyway, withoutbeing responsible, and just
cross my fingers and hope forthe best.
Well, it's kind of like playingthe roulette wheel in life, and
maybe we've all played that indifferent ways.
But we're talking about beingresponsible and what I want to
(16:20):
bring in is that when you'reresponsible, you have a lot more
freedom.
I mean, just going back to whatyou said before and you brought
back my single days of STDtesting and asking someone have
you been tested?
And having those conversationsis a huge form of responsibility
, and once you do that, thinkabout how much more of a good
(16:44):
time you can have.
And you know, in order toreally have our desires, and
especially around sex, we reallyneed safety.
As women, we need to feel safeto fully let go, and so if we
have the information that has usfeel safe like this person has
had their test and I've sharedmy test and we've communicated
(17:04):
it wow, well, the whole pathjust opened up for a lot more
freedom, or else your mind couldbe worrying about oh my God, I
hope I don't get pregnant or Ihope he doesn't have an STD.
You don't have to think aboutany of that if you've done the
work in advance, and that isresponsibility.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
So it's like oh, we're responsible for our own
freedom yes, and I would addthat even if you've exchanged a
cd test, it's not the answer forlike no condom use totally,
yeah, yeah, totally, and that'sa great point.
It's like the test helps yourmind, but I would ask myself if
I got pregnant from this, if Icaught something from this man.
(17:50):
Am I okay, because they're allpossible, right, even with
testing, like we just don't knowEven with condoms, you can
still get pregnant.
Sometimes condoms break Evenwith the pill.
Sometimes you get pregnant,like I think it's stats are what
?
One out of every, I think it'stwo people out of every hundred
get pregnant with a condom, andI want to say 12 for birth
(18:12):
control, 12 out of every everyhundred do you know what you
call people who use diaphragmsas birth control?
Speaker 2 (18:33):
no, parents, welcome to our fun show over here.
Oh, that was so good.
Yeah, to your point.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Yes To my point.
There are.
There are things, there aremethods where you just don't
know.
And then here you are and let'ssay you want to be a parent
Great, but you knew this goingin, hopefully right.
If you're listening to thispodcast, chances are you're not
a teenager, like I don't know ifwe necessarily have a teen
(19:06):
demographic.
I think we mostly speak towomen who are grown, and this is
important.
If you make a baby with someone, that person, at the very least
, whether there's child supportinvolved or not, marriage or not
, he will be in your life forthe next 18 plus years.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
Oh, I can attest to that, I really can.
I mean, I think about thisoften.
Talk about responsibility withyour choices.
I was married, for we weretogether for 21 years.
We were divorced like aroundthe 25 year mark.
We are in it for life.
We are no longer married and weare in it for life, and not
(19:47):
even that.
But he's in my children.
That.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
but he's in my children.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
So even though I'm not actually in talking
relationship with him, with thisperson, I've chosen to marry,
divorce and have children withhe's in my children.
My children have his blood,have his patterns, have his life
force inside of him.
So I think about this a lot.
That is truly a soulmaterelationship and someone who you
(20:15):
will be in relationship withyour entire life.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
Yeah, that's true.
I mean I know I say 18 years, Ijust mean like 18 years
co-parenting, but then, past the18 years, you have these other
things that Brenda's talkingabout.
You will see your ex in yourchildren.
They will have your ex's DNA.
They will have your ex'spatterns.
You will be hearing about yourex and his life forever.
You have to sometimes shareholidays or share experiences
(20:41):
with somebody that youpotentially are not with.
This is not meant to scare you.
I'm bringing this forwardbecause I don't think we think
about it.
We don't.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
No, we don't, and we're pointing to responsibility
.
So this is just a great exampleIf you have sex with someone
and you don't use protection, doyou want to be connected to
them forever?
That's a good question to thinkabout and then act upon the
answer.
The forever piece is big.
(21:12):
I think it's really huge.
Forever, I mean what is forever?
Even actually mean I guess itmeans until one of us dies, but
even still our relationshipscontinue beyond that.
But now we're just going to getreally out there if we go down
that road.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Yeah, we don't have to get so esoteric.
But, brenda, thank you forbringing that forward.
I had not thought to myselfabout what it would feel like
past the 18 year marker or pastthe grown marker.
And you're right.
You will see your ex and yourchildren Like there are so many
pieces that potentially gounthought of, unchecked.
Hopefully, on this episode, wehave sparked a little bit more
(21:52):
of responsibility inside of you,where you are aware it is your
responsibility to be turned on.
It is your responsibility to bea resource.
It is your responsibility to befed so that you're not starved.
It's your responsibility toknow what season of life you're
in.
It's your responsibility toknow what desire am I actually
going after or what am I justgoing to simmer in?
(22:13):
Because at this season of lifeI can't as Brenda has stated in
one of our podcasts.
She's like you can't havepeaceful Sundays and have
newborns right, like we have toknow what season of life we are
in With that.
Thank you so much for listeningand tuning in.
It has been a pleasure bringingthis podcast to you and, if you
(22:37):
like it, share it, follow,write a review on Apple Podcasts
and send us a screenshot.
Thank you so much.
Bye for now.
Thank you for joining us on theDesire is Medicine podcast
Desire invites us to be honest,loving and deeply intimate with
(23:00):
ourselves and others.
You can find our handles in theshow notes.
We'd love to hear from you.
Welcome to Desire is Medicine.
We are two very different womenliving a life led by desire,
inviting you into our world.
Speaker 2 (00:16):
I'm Brenda.
I'm a devoted practitioner tobeing my fully expressed true
self in my daily life.
Motherhood relationships and mybusiness Desire has taken me on
quite a ride and every day Ipractice listening to and
following the voice within.
I'm a middle school teacherturned coach and guide of the
feminine.
Speaker 1 (00:36):
And I'm Catherine, devoted to living my life as the
truest and hopefully thehighest version of me.
I don't have children, I'venever been married.
I've spent equal parts of mylife in corporate as in some
down and low shady spaces.
I was the epitome of tired andwired and my path led me to
explore desire.
I'm a coach, guide, energyworker and a forever student.
Speaker 2 (00:58):
Even after decades of inner work, we are humble
beginners on the mat, stillexploring, always curious.
We believe that listening toand following the nudge of
desire is a deep spiritualpractice that helps us grow.
Speaker 1 (01:12):
On the Desires Medicine podcast.
We talk to each other, weinterview people we know and
love about the practice ofdesire, bringing in a very
important piece that is oftenoverlooked being responsible for
our desire.
Welcome back listeners, family,friends, so happy to have you.
(01:34):
Thank you for tuning back in toDesire as Medicine podcast.
I am here with the lovelyBrenda, as usual, so grateful to
have her and so grateful tohave you.
So let's get right into it.
Today we are talking about thelovely topic of responsibility.
I love how I call it a lovelytopic.
It's the topic that sometimespeople want to throw out.
We all want what we want, butwe just want it to happen.
(01:57):
We want it to be delivered bythe I don't know the angels, the
masters, the guides.
They just come to your doorstepand just deliver what you want
as if it doesn't have any factor, as if your actions don't play
any factors, and you'rereceiving what you want, which
is completely untrue.
We do have to take action.
(02:21):
We have to ask ourselves tonsof questions what do we want?
What do we want now?
How does that feel?
How does that feel in my bodyor our bodies?
And we have talked about thispart in the past.
Brenda and I.
There is an actual hierarchy.
We tend to want tons of thingsall at the same time and we're
responsible for deciding whattakes precedent.
(02:42):
Right, brenda?
How do you shuffle that?
Speaker 2 (02:45):
Such a great question .
I mean, I think there'sdifferent seasons of our life.
We have different seasons wherewe want different things, and
sometimes we want one thing andthen we have it or we don't, and
we grow and then we naturallywant something else.
I think that's correct.
We did an episode on enough,like oh, when do you know you
(03:06):
have enough?
And the whole idea, the wholemyth that, oh, you have enough,
you shouldn't want more, right,but we do, I think, just as
humans, we naturally want more.
And so there's just a seasonfor different things.
The season that I'm in right nowis I want my home.
(03:26):
I've been traveling around a lot.
I've owned two homes in my life,so I've had that, but I haven't
had it in this form now in mylife and it takes an enormous
amount of responsibility for meto have to hold, I should say
because I don't have it yet butto hold this desire of having my
(03:47):
home again, having my beautifulhome.
So that's the thing that I'mworking on right now, which
means that I'm taking deeperresponsibility for my finances
right and holding that desire.
It's very easy, when we don'tknow how we're going to have
something, to dismiss it or dropit or hot potato it onto
somebody else, and what we'retalking about here is holding
(04:12):
your desire, being responsiblefor your desire, like having the
rightness in your internalsystem that I want this thing,
and sometimes it's so big and itfeels unattainable you don't
know how to have it, but yetit's calling you, and I think
(04:36):
when things get scary, it ismaybe our natural tendency to
turn away from it.
But if we are saying that ourdesires call us to something
bigger, call us deeper into whowe are, into this new iteration
of ourselves, while then holdingit and following the
(04:59):
breadcrumbs hashtag, beingresponsible, it's not about
attainment.
Speaker 1 (05:07):
It's about growing into the person who can have
that thing 1000%.
I'm thinking about somethingthat we've talked about in the
past.
You just mentioned holding yourdesire, and it had me think of
window shopping.
There was a time when I was ateen and I had some roommates.
Mom had passed and so Icouldn't just buy whatever I
(05:29):
wanted.
There was definitely ahierarchy of what I could have
and I could not window shop.
It just felt so sad to pass bystores and see something that I
wanted and I couldn't have it,which makes sense as to why,
when I did have more financescoming in, why I was buying,
like you know, x amount oft-shirts in different colors
because I liked the shirt or thejeans or the bag, because I had
(05:51):
such a hungry ghost energyaround that particular piece,
because I couldn't give it tomyself in the past.
There is a location where partof becoming the person that gets
to have it is the windowshopping of whatever that looks
like.
Sometimes it's a vision board.
Sometimes, if it's a house,maybe you start visiting Zillow
(06:13):
or MLS listings and just seeingoh, would this be the house?
Would this be the house, wouldthis be the neighborhood, really
feeling into what feels good tome what feels like a yes.
As you continue to move day today holding the desire of I want
this new home, and I know, as aperson who couldn't window shop
, that sometimes that in itselfis hard to hold, but that is our
(06:35):
responsibility.
I could have easily said, oh, Ican't have it because of, or
put the blame on someone else.
It because of, or put the blameon someone else.
I'm sure our society does tonsof that.
There's endless amounts ofexamples of that.
But if we don't do that, one ofthe options is if I am
responsible for having what Iwant, then what would be the
(06:59):
next step towards getting this?
What's one small step?
And focusing less on theattainment, on the outcome,
focusing more on just the nextstep?
I know what I want.
What's the next step from here?
So thank you so much for sharingthat on the house.
I love that so much.
I can't wait to see what comesup, what kind of magic you
(07:21):
create.
And you talked about thehierarchies, you talked about
the different seasons, and Ialso want to bring into the ring
that we're responsible forfeeling that desire, holding it
and feeling it right.
That's a whole differentconversation in itself that
we've talked about in the pastof what happens when you don't
feel tapped in or connected tothat feeling, but it's our
(07:45):
responsibility to get re-tappedin, to do it all over again.
For me, one of the major onesis practicing some stillness and
I think, for you right, one ofthe major ways you do it is that
you move, you go into movement.
Speaker 2 (08:01):
I really do.
Yeah, I love that we holddifferent poles for this.
And it's not that stillnessdoesn't work for me, it
absolutely does, and I do needstillness.
I definitely like to go intonature, I like to swim, I like
to dance a lot.
When I dance and move, Iremember who I am.
No-transcript.
Speaker 1 (08:25):
I think it's important for us to know what
that is.
Exactly that is ourresponsibility to know.
Oh okay, I need some stillness.
For me, stillness, I think, isone of the go-tos, because
sometimes, when I'm not tappedin, I'm going too fast, my brain
is going too fast or I myselfam going too fast.
Maybe I'm going fromappointment to appointment to
appointment, zoom call, zoomcall, zoom call, or conversation
(08:48):
, conversation, and there's justso much movement that somehow I
get sort of untethered,potentially not necessarily
fully ungrounded, but I get thisfeeling of I don't feel so
sturdy and I have to kind oflike pause and collect myself.
Sometimes it is going for awalk, because sometimes I have
so much energy moving through mybody but I don't have the
(09:10):
energy to do anything and mymind isn't working, and so
movement is the best thing forme at that time.
But it was my responsibility tofigure this out and through
practice like this is what worksfor me and it sounds like
through practice, you've alsofound what works for you
Absolutely, and it is a practiceand it's so personal and it can
also change.
Speaker 2 (09:31):
So what worked for me last week or last year or when
I was in my 20s or 30s, might bevery different when I'm in my
40s or 50s.
And I love that you brought upabout being responsible, because
it's so much easier when youdon't know how to have something
to just deny it altogether.
But you're saying, oh, I reallyenjoyed window shopping and
(09:52):
what a beautiful gift to giveyourself.
It's just kind of like being inthe desire, just like looking
around and what do you want andjust letting yourself kind of be
in that.
It's very often we just, well,I don't have any money, I can't
shop, so I can't go, and that'sreally just kind of cutting
ourselves off.
(10:13):
And people will do that withfood as well.
You were talking about thehierarchy of desires and that
makes me think about food.
Right, I want to eat all theyummy things that I love and I
could say, oh, that's my desire,right.
(10:38):
But if I'm really responsiblewith my desire, I'm actually not
doing that, because my deeperdesire is to be healthy and to
feel agile in my body, which isanother really big thing that
I'm working on right now.
So it's not about denyingyourself, but it really is about
discernment.
Like what is it that you andsometimes do I give myself the
(11:01):
ice cream A hundred percent, butnot all the time, because then
it does kind of fall into likecompulsion or hungry ghost kind
of thing where I'm looking forit to fill a need.
But the discernment is reallyimportant here when we're
talking about how can we giveourselves what we want, and I
(11:22):
think that does come withmaturity.
Speaker 1 (11:24):
For sure practice.
I think you mentioned hungryghost, and for sure I think one
of the reasons why windowshopping was so difficult was
because there was a hungry ghostand I knew that nothing would
satisfy or satiate that peace.
And it wasn't about the peacethat I wanted.
Something else was occurringand I knew there would be
dissatisfaction.
And so how do you?
(11:45):
I just didn't have the toolsback then.
We're talking about way backwhen, many, many decades ago.
So I don't have like hindsightis always 20-20.
At that time I definitely didnot know what I know now.
Let's see if we can move whenwe're thinking about
responsibility and desire, if wecan start moving towards, like
(12:05):
going inching our way towardsresponsibility of sex, and one
of the things that can happen tous is that when we're starved
of sex right Like beingresponsible of getting fed what
does that look like for us?
What does it require?
Does that mean that we need aboyfriend, a girlfriend, like,
do we need a partnership?
Can we have something that'smore casual?
(12:27):
Are we not that casual?
Are we more of an attachedarchetype, like what do we need
in order to be able to fulfillthis desire?
I think that's ourresponsibility.
And does something pop up foryou.
Okay, she's not telling us thesecrets, people, she's like
keeping it to herself.
She unmuted, but she's justlooking at me like you know what
(12:49):
, catherine.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
I'm not going to tell you Jack, diddy, jack.
No, jack Diddy for you, keepgoing, you're on a roll.
Speaker 1 (12:56):
When we're thinking about responsibility, we can
start looking at responsibilitytowards sex.
And are we starved?
How can we feed ourselves?
Are we someone who getsattached?
Does this mean that we cannothave something casual, because
it would be like ouchies for ourheart and we can't do that sort
(13:17):
of thing?
Maybe that means that we leantowards a boyfriend.
Maybe he's not our forever man,but definitely our for our for.
Definitely.
Maybe not our forever, butdefinitely a for now, depending
on what season of life you're in.
If sex is a need, if you have astarvation type sort of hungry
(13:41):
ghost there, how can you touchthat in a very responsible way
If you're not planning ongetting pregnant?
Responsible way If you're notplanning on getting pregnant,
are you using condoms?
Are you making sure that you'retaking STD tests?
Are you guys sharing your tests?
How safe are the tests?
(14:02):
Are you just sharingscreenshots?
Are you sending PDFs?
Do you see the dates on them?
Have they been altered?
All these questions that we needto ask ourselves before
deciding okay, I'm going toengage in a sexual activity with
this other individual, becausesometimes we have to remember
that love is not enough.
Maybe you even just love thisperson, but do you love them
enough to have a child?
Or have you talked about whatit's going to look like if you
(14:24):
potentially get pregnant?
Do you want to co-parent withthis person?
Would you like to have a littlemini me that is, behaves and
looks just like this otherindividual?
Is that what you're looking forLike?
These are all questions thatneed to be asked.
This is being responsible.
It's not just willy nilly.
Oh, the fantasy was so great.
I just had such a fun time.
(14:45):
Like we need to be able tomarry fun and responsibility
together.
Not just look after our turn on, look after being resourced,
make sure that we're not starved, but in doing that that we're
also responsible, because aswomen, we can create a life.
And it's not to scare everybodyand say you know, I'm
(15:06):
practicing some form ofreligious what is it called,
brenda, when somebody's nothaving sex?
Speaker 2 (15:13):
Celibacy, abstinence, abstinence.
I like how we both just came upwith completely different words
, but they're both true.
Speaker 1 (15:19):
Yes, I don't mean I'm not advocating for that, but I
am saying you have to thinkabout it for yourself.
One of the things that comes tome when I'm talking to either
women or clients is when theysay I can't believe this
happened.
I'm like really, you can'tbelieve this happened.
You were literally in the babymaking like position.
What do you mean?
You didn't know it was going tohappen.
(15:40):
This didn't look like somethingI was going to do.
It's sort of like I put the eggon the frying pan with the oil
and the heat on.
I can't believe it's cookedLike yeah, that's how it happens
, exactly like that, and so Ineed us to be responsible ladies
.
Speaker 2 (15:59):
Oh my God, you're so funny, that's so funny.
I think when that happens,we're just in wishful thinking,
like whatever it is and that's agreat example, but it's like,
oh, I don't want this thing tohappen and I'm just going to
take the actions anyway, withoutbeing responsible, and just
cross my fingers and hope forthe best.
Well, it's kind of like playingthe roulette wheel in life, and
maybe we've all played that indifferent ways.
But we're talking about beingresponsible and what I want to
(16:20):
bring in is that when you'reresponsible, you have a lot more
freedom.
I mean, just going back to whatyou said before and you brought
back my single days of STDtesting and asking someone have
you been tested?
And having those conversationsis a huge form of responsibility
, and once you do that, thinkabout how much more of a good
(16:44):
time you can have.
And you know, in order toreally have our desires, and
especially around sex, we reallyneed safety.
As women, we need to feel safeto fully let go, and so if we
have the information that has usfeel safe like this person has
had their test and I've sharedmy test and we've communicated
(17:04):
it wow, well, the whole pathjust opened up for a lot more
freedom, or else your mind couldbe worrying about oh my God, I
hope I don't get pregnant or Ihope he doesn't have an STD.
You don't have to think aboutany of that if you've done the
work in advance, and that isresponsibility.
Speaker 1 (17:25):
So it's like oh, we're responsible for our own
freedom yes, and I would addthat even if you've exchanged a
cd test, it's not the answer forlike no condom use totally,
yeah, yeah, totally, and that'sa great point.
It's like the test helps yourmind, but I would ask myself if
I got pregnant from this, if Icaught something from this man.
(17:50):
Am I okay, because they're allpossible, right, even with
testing, like we just don't knowEven with condoms, you can
still get pregnant.
Sometimes condoms break Evenwith the pill.
Sometimes you get pregnant,like I think it's stats are what
?
One out of every, I think it'stwo people out of every hundred
get pregnant with a condom, andI want to say 12 for birth
(18:12):
control, 12 out of every everyhundred do you know what you
call people who use diaphragmsas birth control?
Speaker 2 (18:33):
no, parents, welcome to our fun show over here.
Oh, that was so good.
Yeah, to your point.
Speaker 1 (18:44):
Yes To my point.
There are.
There are things, there aremethods where you just don't
know.
And then here you are and let'ssay you want to be a parent
Great, but you knew this goingin, hopefully right.
If you're listening to thispodcast, chances are you're not
a teenager, like I don't know ifwe necessarily have a teen
(19:06):
demographic.
I think we mostly speak towomen who are grown, and this is
important.
If you make a baby with someone, that person, at the very least
, whether there's child supportinvolved or not, marriage or not
, he will be in your life forthe next 18 plus years.
Speaker 2 (19:25):
Oh, I can attest to that, I really can.
I mean, I think about thisoften.
Talk about responsibility withyour choices.
I was married, for we weretogether for 21 years.
We were divorced like aroundthe 25 year mark.
We are in it for life.
We are no longer married and weare in it for life, and not
(19:47):
even that.
But he's in my children.
That.
Speaker 1 (19:52):
but he's in my children.
Speaker 2 (19:53):
So even though I'm not actually in talking
relationship with him, with thisperson, I've chosen to marry,
divorce and have children withhe's in my children.
My children have his blood,have his patterns, have his life
force inside of him.
So I think about this a lot.
That is truly a soulmaterelationship and someone who you
(20:15):
will be in relationship withyour entire life.
Speaker 1 (20:17):
Yeah, that's true.
I mean I know I say 18 years, Ijust mean like 18 years
co-parenting, but then, past the18 years, you have these other
things that Brenda's talkingabout.
You will see your ex in yourchildren.
They will have your ex's DNA.
They will have your ex'spatterns.
You will be hearing about yourex and his life forever.
You have to sometimes shareholidays or share experiences
(20:41):
with somebody that youpotentially are not with.
This is not meant to scare you.
I'm bringing this forwardbecause I don't think we think
about it.
We don't.
Speaker 2 (20:51):
No, we don't, and we're pointing to responsibility
.
So this is just a great exampleIf you have sex with someone
and you don't use protection, doyou want to be connected to
them forever?
That's a good question to thinkabout and then act upon the
answer.
The forever piece is big.
(21:12):
I think it's really huge.
Forever, I mean what is forever?
Even actually mean I guess itmeans until one of us dies, but
even still our relationshipscontinue beyond that.
But now we're just going to getreally out there if we go down
that road.
Speaker 1 (21:27):
Yeah, we don't have to get so esoteric.
But, brenda, thank you forbringing that forward.
I had not thought to myselfabout what it would feel like
past the 18 year marker or pastthe grown marker.
And you're right.
You will see your ex and yourchildren Like there are so many
pieces that potentially gounthought of, unchecked.
Hopefully, on this episode, wehave sparked a little bit more
(21:52):
of responsibility inside of you,where you are aware it is your
responsibility to be turned on.
It is your responsibility to bea resource.
It is your responsibility to befed so that you're not starved.
It's your responsibility toknow what season of life you're
in.
It's your responsibility toknow what desire am I actually
going after or what am I justgoing to simmer in?
(22:13):
Because at this season of lifeI can't as Brenda has stated in
one of our podcasts.
She's like you can't havepeaceful Sundays and have
newborns right, like we have toknow what season of life we are
in With that.
Thank you so much for listeningand tuning in.
It has been a pleasure bringingthis podcast to you and, if you
(22:37):
like it, share it, follow,write a review on Apple Podcasts
and send us a screenshot.
Thank you so much.
Bye for now.
Thank you for joining us on theDesire is Medicine podcast
Desire invites us to be honest,loving and deeply intimate with
(23:00):
ourselves and others.
You can find our handles in theshow notes.
We'd love to hear from you.
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