July 18, 2025 • 21 mins
Most of us think readiness means having a stable job, moving out of our parents’ home, or feeling financially secure. And while those things matter, they only scratch the surface. What if the deeper signs you are not ready are less obvious, but quietly showing up in how you think, react, and relate?
After years of matchmaking and nearly six years of marriage ourselves, we have seen subtle patterns that reveal more than any checklist. In this episode, we share five overlooked signs of unpreparedness that could be holding you back. This one might challenge you, but in the best possible way. Curious? Press 'Download'.
Got a dilemma or story? The Single Muslim Hotline is here for you! We’ll play your anonymous messages in future episodes and offer real talk. Drop us a voice note 👇🏻
https://www.speakpipe.com/DiaryOfAMatchmaker
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
And I'm Zaid, you're listeningto Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah, assalamu alaikumeveryone, welcome to another
episode.
Assalamu alaikum, alhamdulillah, we have just sealed four years
doing this work.
Right now I am stressing a bitbecause now I have to
communicate with my accountant.
He's going to be asking for aton of paperwork, but aside from
all that, it is something to beproud of, given how businesses
(00:35):
failed so quickly within thefirst one to two years, and we
had our bumps and hurdles alongthe way and we didn't think we
would even last this long, butAlhamdulillah we've had
successful matches and we'removing along, alhamdulillah.
We're moving forward, notbackward, alhamdulillah,
alhamdulillah.
So the one of the things overthe years that we've gotten
better at is assessing whetheror not someone is ready for
(00:59):
marriage, if they're ready toembark upon that journey, and
that's happened through specificquestions that we ask.
So, inshallah, we're going toshare at least two observations
and five signs that you can bemindful of if you're on your
journey or if you're juststarting your journey.
So the first observation is andwe ask this question all the
(01:21):
time on our discovery calls,which is what are you looking
for in a spouse?
Exactly.
It's such a simple,straightforward question you
would think that, oh my God like, why is that such a difficult
question?
Right?
People look like a deer inheadlights sometimes when we ask
this question and when they'renot able to articulate the
(01:41):
response.
To me, that's an indicationthat either A they're just
beginning their journey or, bthey haven't done the self-work
Right.
When I say self-work, theyhaven't figured out their deal
breakers.
They haven't figured out whattheir core values are or who
would be compatible with them.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
The most thing we hear all the time is a good
Muslim.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Now, a good Muslim looks like different to
different people right, so verygeneral answers yeah yeah, and
given how challenging it hasbecome, like, of course, these
things about core values anddeal breakers, I'm sure our
parents weren't thinking of that.
Our grandparents didn't careabout that stuff, even when you
and I, we were like we didn'thave it in concrete terms, like
(02:22):
we had kind of an understandingof what resonated with us and
but we didn't have like wedidn't have it in concrete terms
, like we had kind of anunderstanding of what resonated
with us but we didn't have, likewe didn't compartmentalize it.
I would say so the first one Imentioned was how they answer
the question what are youlooking for in a spouse?
And the second one isunrealistic expectations.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Sometimes they know what they're looking for, but
it's way too elaborate, yeah,way too specific.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
So I'll give you guys a clear example.
So we just reconnected withsomebody who was on our wait
list and when she first did acall with us she said I want
someone who is in my ethnicity,my specific ethnicity.
I want somebody who is also inthe healthcare field and
(03:09):
somebody who has a PhD or above.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
And those were deal breakers.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Yes, yeah, and we didn't take her on because we
immediately know like thechances of finding somebody that
fits this criteria is going tobe very difficult.
So we found somebody who wethought didn't necessarily check
those boxes, but she was withinthe same age range as this
person and some of the criteriafit what the guy was looking for
(03:38):
.
So then we reconnected withthis girl and, lo and behold, a
year later she did a complete180.
She's a completely differentperson.
A completely different person.
She was flexible on ethnicity,she was flexible on profession,
she was flexible on educationallevel and and I kept her old
(04:00):
form and of course, we stillhave her new form and it was
just like night and day.
So sometimes it takes time andshe also mentioned to us that
she's been through a series ofrejections.
So it does take some time.
Rejections are a big part ofthe journey to help her find
what you're looking for.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Yeah so, besides these two observations we shared
, we decided to dive a littlebit deeper and look for signs
that someone might not be quiteready for marriage, and the
following five signs we're goingto share.
They don't mean that if youhave any of them, then you are
not, you shouldn't that, you'redoomed, you shouldn't think
about marriage, you're notmarriage material.
(04:37):
No, they mean that if you workon them and improve on them
before you find your match, thenyou're setting yourself up for
success and for a healthiermarriage.
Inshallah, some of them we areguilty of and they result in
some tension sometimes.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
And we have some work to work on.
Exactly.
So, as a reminder, the goalisn't perfection, nobody's
perfect.
The goal is self-awareness andtrying to come into marriage
with a realistic mindset and notan idealized mindset, and with
a growth mindset as well.
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
So sign number one you take things personally all
the time.
Now, marriage comes with a lotof disagreements.
A lot of times you're not goingto be on the same page.
Sometimes you're going to bemoody, she's going to be moody.
Bad day at work, and you'regoing to bring that home as much
as you're going be moody.
She's gonna be moody, bad dayat work, and you're gonna bring
that home as much as you'regonna try not to, but you're
gonna bring that home.
You can't take everythingpersonally.
(05:32):
I don't know.
She says uh, you didn't sayyou're coming home late, and
what you hear is you're sounreliable.
That's maybe what she meant wasI wish you told me you're
coming late.
Then I would have cooked later,or I would.
I would have waited for you tohave dinner I wouldn't have been
worried I wouldn't been worried, right, something that we
(05:54):
always have between us.
I always ask, zayd, are youtired?
As a way of showing concern andworry.
Right, but what do you hearwhen I say are you tired?
Speaker 2 (06:05):
It's not what I hear.
I just hate that question forsome reason.
That's the question.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
What is the reason?
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
Maybe I need to see a therapist about that.
No, my theory is you hear.
Patronizing Somebody that'spatronizing me.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
That could be, or my understanding is you hear me
saying you're weak.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Maybe I don't know.
Okay, so how does this show upfor a single Muslim?
Speaker 1 (06:29):
That you can take criticism and any criticism Is
an attack on your ego, and withthis kind of mentality you
cannot grow, you will notimprove on anything, and
marriage comes with A lot ofcriticism and feedback.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
It does.
So one of the strategies youcan implement is Learning to
give people the benefit of thedoubt.
Husn al-Dhan, right, Husnal-Dhan, yeah إلتَمِسْ لِأَخِيكَ
سَبْعِينَ عُدْرًا.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Like seek excuses.
Try to find excuses for yourbrother.
Try to find 70, up to 70excuses for your brother, and
the number is just a hyperboleMeaning if they do something, if
they say something, then tryyour best to give them the
benefit of the doubt, and thiscouldn't be more true for the
relationship of marriage.
Another way this could show upis when you're in the talking
(07:20):
stages with someone.
They say something, they askyou something and you
immediately take it personally.
For example, they ask you howcome you're still single?
What they could mean is you'resuch a great catch, you're such
a great person.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
I can't believe you're still single right, but
what you hear is you areincompetent you're a loser, you
don't?
Speaker 1 (07:42):
yeah, you're a loser.
What's wrong with you?
Speaker 2 (07:45):
and why can't you get married?
Don't you know how to talk tothe opposite gender?
Speaker 1 (07:48):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
You don't have game, I don't know All sorts of things
can go off in your head.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
So حُسْنَ الظَّن, حُسْنَ الظَّن, give the other
person the benefit of the doubt.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
Always Okay.
Number two is you struggle torepair after conflict.
So we all know every marriagehas conflicts.
The Prophet also had maritalconflicts, so no marriage is
perfect.
Every couple of your parents,your grandparents, going
generations back, had conflicts.
So the important thing to thinkabout isn't the conflict itself
(08:20):
, but how you handle theconflict.
Exactly Right, we were talkinga little bit about things that
we need to work on and one thingyou were mentioning some advice
that you got from an auntie yes, on the day of our nikah one of
your aunties said never go tobed angry with each other.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
Whatever conflict you have, make sure to resolve it
before you go to sleep that's anexcellent way that's, we
haven't been able to actuallyimplement it.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
We go three, four days, sometimes no four is
pushing it.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
No, we've never gone four days.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
Well, we've gone a few days.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
Yeah, and exactly so.
The conflict is going to happenanyway, but either you can use
it as a growth, as anopportunity for growth, to bring
you closer together, or tobring you apart and build
resentment in the marriage.
Now, how does this relate to?
Speaker 2 (09:12):
a single person.
The important thing to note isthat the relationships you have
outside of marriage yourrelationship with your boss,
your friends, your parents, andall these relationships will
have conflicts at some point oranother.
Don't think that that is justreserved to those kind of times
and places that they don't haveeffects or carry over effects
(09:33):
into a marriage, yeah Right, soimproving your relationships in
those places will definitelyhave positive reverberations
into your marriage.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Yeah, you can't expect that the day you get
married, you're going to becomea whole new person.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Right, it's not a switch, it's not a switch.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
So use those relationships.
Use that time before you getmarried.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Use it as an opportunity to improve, to grow
and to prepare yourself formarriage yeah, yeah, having
those uncomfortableconversations, sometimes right,
with your parents, co-workers,whoever it might be, when
conflicts happen, um, but yeah,don't, don't ever try to
compartmentalize things.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
That's the biggest takeaway from from this so if a
conflict happens with one ofthese, in one of these
relationships, don't make theother person have to beg for you
to forgive them and for thingsto go back together.
Uh, don't go for I don't know amonth without talking to that
person, especially if it's sucha close relationship like a
sibling or a parent.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
Even if you weren't the person that was wrong, be
the one to initiate an apology.
Exactly, exactly, that'ssometimes I struggle with, I'll
be honest, but there's been manytimes where I've been the first
one to initiate an apology.
Yeah, I admire that.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
It's very manly I've said this before Girls find this
very manly when a man canapologize First, first, exactly.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Or when a man admits his mistake.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Okay, number three you confuse compatibility with
chemistry.
So we dedicated an entireepisode to the topic of
chemistry and we see this overand over again.
And we see this over and overagain.
We just spoke to some of theother day about how they weren't
finding that spark or chemistrywith the other person.
And people just get so hung upon that and they forget the
(11:22):
necessity of assessingcompatibility.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Yeah, right.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
So with us we did have a connection in the
beginning, and we still do,obviously.
But in the beginning ourinstant connection was the art
Right and religion also.
But it was mainly the artbecause, at least for me
personally, it was hard findingsomebody that had a strong
connection to Dean andspecifically you were studying
the religious sciences and youhad such a strong passion for
(11:48):
classical music, so that.
But we didn't allow ourselvesto get stuck on that right, we
weren't just chasing that andjust talked for days and days
and days about just the artsyeah right.
that was a segue into furtherassessing compatibility and I
really hope that people do thatright right, like finding a
(12:08):
connection.
Sometimes there is noconnection there, but that
doesn't mean that there isn'tcompatibility.
The thing with chemistry, orvibe or spark, whatever you want
to use Whatever term you wantto use.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Exactly.
The thing with that is that itdoesn't last.
Yeah, it's a very fleetingthing and sometimes even it
could disappear before the nikahitself.
And the tricky thing withchemistry is either you're just
looking for chemistry andbecause of that you're passing
on people that are so compatiblethat you can build a life and
(12:42):
marriage with, but you'repassing on because you didn't
find that chemistry.
You didn't find that chemistry.
Or you could end up justchasing chemistry and marry
someone for that chemistry, butthey're actually not compatible
with you.
You don't have the same values,you don't have the same
expectations.
Uh, you have different.
(13:02):
Yeah, you have different.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
Uh, I don't know outlook on finances, on the way
you want to bring up yourchildren, and it just results in
divorce, I guess right, or as,like I've always said in
multiple episodes uh, you'regoing in with a netflix mindset
right, like netflix also,meaning that that high of
getting a binge episode likeyou're like oh my god, I want
(13:25):
the next episode, and the nextepisode, and the next episode,
and then the series is over andthen, all of a sudden, you're
down exactly that's how I feltwhen squid game, the final
season, came out yeah, like itwas it's over
Speaker 1 (13:37):
it's really hard it was.
It was really hard to just turnit off and come back the
following day yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Yeah, we tried to limit to two episodes a day, but
anyways, coming back to thetopic, well, we know some people
who finished the entire seasonin one day, so yes yeah, it's
crazy and so the importanttakeaway is not to chase the
emotional highs, but instead thesteady growth.
Okay, number four, you're morecommitted to being right than
(14:05):
being in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
You want to be right or you want to be happy.
Speaker 2 (14:10):
As the leader of the home, it is almost necessary to
be right.
If you're making the wrongdecisions, then you're setting
your family up for problems.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
We're not talking about huge decisions.
We're not talking aboutlife-changing decisions.
We're talking about I't knowwhat, uh the way to I don't know
to cook this specific dish no,you have to say that.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
You didn't say that.
Yeah, it's important that we'reclear about what we're talking
about here.
Yeah, of course.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Yeah, um things who are going to be questioned on on
the day of judgment.
Of course, as a leader, assomeone who's going to be
questioned, who's someone incharge of the family, you want
to be right, of course yeah butwe're talking about things that
don't have that heavy weightright.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
So the important thing is you don't need to win
every conversation, right?
Because if the, then if you'rejust competing with your spouse,
then your spouse is just anopponent, opponent and uh, every
conversation is going to turninto squid game and you're just
trying to murder your wife yeah,you remember three months and
(15:14):
four days ago you said that andI said that.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
You remember what your mom said three years ago.
You remember it's.
We're not keeping score, andthe way this relates to a single
person is again look at yourrelationships, the relationships
you have, especially when itcomes to parents.
We tend to argue a lot with ourparents because we believe we
(15:39):
are smarter, we believe we haveI don't know all this technology
.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
And they come from a different generation, they go
yeah, what do they know ExactlyRight?
Speaker 1 (15:46):
technology, and and they come from a different they
call yeah, what do they knowexactly right?
Yeah, if you can't be humblewith your parents, then that's a
sign that you need to work onthis, and we're not talking
about like compromising on yourvalues or anything of that sort
yeah but things that don't havesuch a heavy weight it's okay,
it's not worth it it's not worthit.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
So the question to ask yourself is do I want to be
right or do I want to connect?
Right connection is moreimportant, especially with your
spouse.
You, you want to come with thatkind of mentality that you want
to learn.
You want to connect and notjust compete yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
If you want to end up sleeping on the couch three
days a week, then do that.
Keep trying to prove you'reright.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
If you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't
know where to seek help, let ushelp you.
We can be your personalmatchmakers.
Visit us at halalmatchca andbook a free call with us.
Speaker 1 (16:43):
Sign number five is you're afraid of being bored.
You're always trying to chasethe next high, the next
adventure.
You can't just sit alone withyourself for five minutes, sit
with your thoughts, and you viewthis as I don't know.
There's something wrong withthat.
And marriage as much as there'sexcitement in marriage and all
(17:05):
of that, there's also themundane stuff.
There's running, I don't know.
Running errands, groceryshopping, diaper changing,
laundry, cooking, whatever.
If you can't find joy in thesemundane things, then your
marriage is not going to be ahappy one.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
Yeah, that you know.
The funny thing is is that'swhat I was looking for.
I don't come from wealth.
I don't see myself living in amansion and driving fancy cars.
That wasn't exactly my approachto life.
So I was a very simple person.
But I appreciated simplicityright, taking care of your
health, making time formeaningful conversations, things
(17:44):
like that, for meaningfulconversations, things like that.
So that was an important partof what I was looking for in a
spouse.
Yeah, and hopefully that youguys can prioritize this too,
right, because there is beautyand joy in simplicity, right,
which is why we always tellpeople like, especially when it
comes to planning the weddingright, simplicity is the key
(18:07):
right that you can still have ameaningful, beautiful wedding
while keeping it affordable andsimple, yeah, and routine gives
structure to life.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
It doesn't mean that there's no excitement in your
life, but it means that you'reokay with being quiet, with some
peace, with some routine, andyou're not always just chasing
that next thing adventure,travel, trip, party yeah, going
out, and that's really what Ifeel like.
People just want to stackthings on exactly, yeah, yeah,
(18:36):
you have your lifetime toexperience all of that, yeah I
mean that's why there's so muchpressure to have a honeymoon
like immediately yeah like dude,we just had our honeymoon last
year.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
It's OK, yeah.
Now obviously that was due tocircumstance, but still it
wasn't such a big deal, yeah.
So the takeaway is learn toenjoy stillness, practice
contentment in slow, quietmoments.
I remember we we had like atleast I did, I had a meditation
phase where I was trying to justlike be consistent with
(19:09):
meditation yeah but um, yeah,that's like you just said
finding joy in peace andsimplicity yeah, stability,
don't confuse stability withboredom yeah big part of
marriage, of a healthy andsuccessful marriage, is
stability, and that's a blessing, blessing from Allah, subhanahu
wa ta'ala.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
You don't have like.
There are no accidents, nodiseases, no financial crises,
no, alhamdulillah, that's ablessing.
It doesn't mean that our lifeis boring.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
So the important takeaways from all of these
points is that these signs don'tdisqualify you.
Sometimes it's not aboutfinding the right person, but
becoming someone who canactually sustain a healthy,
long-loving marriage, becausethis isn't a sprint, it's a
marathon, right.
So you want to build somethingthat's going to last.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
You know, having this discussion made me realize that
us, even that we're coming upto six years of marriage, we
have things to work on oh forsure, yes, yeah, and, and we'll
be saying the same thing in 10years.
No, but maybe we're gonna besaying something alhamdulillah,
we worked on this, now we'reworking on this and that's okay.
It's like your connection withallah, subhanahu wa ta'ala in
(20:24):
terms of you're not sprinting toget to a specific point of your
connection with allah,subhanahu wa ta'ala, in terms of
you're not sprinting to get toa specific point of your
connection with allah.
It's a path, it's a journey.
As long as you're on the path,then that's a.
That's good, alhamdulillah.
So that's the same thing withmarriage you're growing together
yeah and so for.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
for you guys that are single, if you guys start
working on these things whileyou're single man, I can promise
you guys you will be settingyourself up at a huge advantage.
All right, Because these, thesestrengths and the work that
you've done, they will show upthrough the courting phase.
They'll show up through theconversations and questions that
(21:06):
you're going to be asking eachother and your marriage yourself
and and you're going to besetting yourself up for a strong
marriage, inshallah inshallahso I want to hear from you guys
I mean, we both want to hearfrom you guys.
You know which of these signshit home for you, which of them
stood out for you to you, whichof them do you feel like you
already developed or maybe is indevelopment for you?
(21:28):
And, yeah, what's somethingyou're working on before you say
Bismillah.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Until next time, assalamualaikum, assalamualaikum
.
Assalamu alaikum, I'm Hiba.
And I'm Zaid, you're listeningto Diary of a Matchmaker.
Speaker 2 (00:05):
A podcast that will take you into our world as
matchmakers.
Speaker 1 (00:09):
We'll share our experiences and offer advice for
the single Muslim.
Speaker 2 (00:12):
So let's dive in.
Bismillah, assalamu alaikumeveryone, welcome to another
episode.
Assalamu alaikum, alhamdulillah, we have just sealed four years
doing this work.
Right now I am stressing a bitbecause now I have to
communicate with my accountant.
He's going to be asking for aton of paperwork, but aside from
all that, it is something to beproud of, given how businesses
(00:35):
failed so quickly within thefirst one to two years, and we
had our bumps and hurdles alongthe way and we didn't think we
would even last this long, butAlhamdulillah we've had
successful matches and we'removing along, alhamdulillah.
We're moving forward, notbackward, alhamdulillah,
alhamdulillah.
So the one of the things overthe years that we've gotten
better at is assessing whetheror not someone is ready for
(00:59):
marriage, if they're ready toembark upon that journey, and
that's happened through specificquestions that we ask.
So, inshallah, we're going toshare at least two observations
and five signs that you can bemindful of if you're on your
journey or if you're juststarting your journey.
So the first observation is andwe ask this question all the
(01:21):
time on our discovery calls,which is what are you looking
for in a spouse?
Exactly.
It's such a simple,straightforward question you
would think that, oh my God like, why is that such a difficult
question?
Right?
People look like a deer inheadlights sometimes when we ask
this question and when they'renot able to articulate the
(01:41):
response.
To me, that's an indicationthat either A they're just
beginning their journey or, bthey haven't done the self-work
Right.
When I say self-work, theyhaven't figured out their deal
breakers.
They haven't figured out whattheir core values are or who
would be compatible with them.
Speaker 1 (01:56):
The most thing we hear all the time is a good
Muslim.
Speaker 2 (02:02):
Now, a good Muslim looks like different to
different people right, so verygeneral answers yeah yeah, and
given how challenging it hasbecome, like, of course, these
things about core values anddeal breakers, I'm sure our
parents weren't thinking of that.
Our grandparents didn't careabout that stuff, even when you
and I, we were like we didn'thave it in concrete terms, like
(02:22):
we had kind of an understandingof what resonated with us and
but we didn't have like wedidn't have it in concrete terms
, like we had kind of anunderstanding of what resonated
with us but we didn't have, likewe didn't compartmentalize it.
I would say so the first one Imentioned was how they answer
the question what are youlooking for in a spouse?
And the second one isunrealistic expectations.
Speaker 1 (02:39):
Sometimes they know what they're looking for, but
it's way too elaborate, yeah,way too specific.
Speaker 2 (02:46):
So I'll give you guys a clear example.
So we just reconnected withsomebody who was on our wait
list and when she first did acall with us she said I want
someone who is in my ethnicity,my specific ethnicity.
I want somebody who is also inthe healthcare field and
(03:09):
somebody who has a PhD or above.
Speaker 1 (03:13):
And those were deal breakers.
Speaker 2 (03:14):
Yes, yeah, and we didn't take her on because we
immediately know like thechances of finding somebody that
fits this criteria is going tobe very difficult.
So we found somebody who wethought didn't necessarily check
those boxes, but she was withinthe same age range as this
person and some of the criteriafit what the guy was looking for
(03:38):
.
So then we reconnected withthis girl and, lo and behold, a
year later she did a complete180.
She's a completely differentperson.
A completely different person.
She was flexible on ethnicity,she was flexible on profession,
she was flexible on educationallevel and and I kept her old
(04:00):
form and of course, we stillhave her new form and it was
just like night and day.
So sometimes it takes time andshe also mentioned to us that
she's been through a series ofrejections.
So it does take some time.
Rejections are a big part ofthe journey to help her find
what you're looking for.
Speaker 1 (04:16):
Yeah so, besides these two observations we shared
, we decided to dive a littlebit deeper and look for signs
that someone might not be quiteready for marriage, and the
following five signs we're goingto share.
They don't mean that if youhave any of them, then you are
not, you shouldn't that, you'redoomed, you shouldn't think
about marriage, you're notmarriage material.
(04:37):
No, they mean that if you workon them and improve on them
before you find your match, thenyou're setting yourself up for
success and for a healthiermarriage.
Inshallah, some of them we areguilty of and they result in
some tension sometimes.
Speaker 2 (04:53):
And we have some work to work on.
Exactly.
So, as a reminder, the goalisn't perfection, nobody's
perfect.
The goal is self-awareness andtrying to come into marriage
with a realistic mindset and notan idealized mindset, and with
a growth mindset as well.
Exactly.
Speaker 1 (05:10):
So sign number one you take things personally all
the time.
Now, marriage comes with a lotof disagreements.
A lot of times you're not goingto be on the same page.
Sometimes you're going to bemoody, she's going to be moody.
Bad day at work, and you'regoing to bring that home as much
as you're going be moody.
She's gonna be moody, bad dayat work, and you're gonna bring
that home as much as you'regonna try not to, but you're
gonna bring that home.
You can't take everythingpersonally.
(05:32):
I don't know.
She says uh, you didn't sayyou're coming home late, and
what you hear is you're sounreliable.
That's maybe what she meant wasI wish you told me you're
coming late.
Then I would have cooked later,or I would.
I would have waited for you tohave dinner I wouldn't have been
worried I wouldn't been worried, right, something that we
(05:54):
always have between us.
I always ask, zayd, are youtired?
As a way of showing concern andworry.
Right, but what do you hearwhen I say are you tired?
Speaker 2 (06:05):
It's not what I hear.
I just hate that question forsome reason.
That's the question.
Speaker 1 (06:09):
What is the reason?
I don't know.
Speaker 2 (06:11):
Maybe I need to see a therapist about that.
No, my theory is you hear.
Patronizing Somebody that'spatronizing me.
Speaker 1 (06:18):
That could be, or my understanding is you hear me
saying you're weak.
Speaker 2 (06:23):
Maybe I don't know.
Okay, so how does this show upfor a single Muslim?
Speaker 1 (06:29):
That you can take criticism and any criticism Is
an attack on your ego, and withthis kind of mentality you
cannot grow, you will notimprove on anything, and
marriage comes with A lot ofcriticism and feedback.
Speaker 2 (06:45):
It does.
So one of the strategies youcan implement is Learning to
give people the benefit of thedoubt.
Husn al-Dhan, right, Husnal-Dhan, yeah إلتَمِسْ لِأَخِيكَ
سَبْعِينَ عُدْرًا.
Speaker 1 (06:56):
Like seek excuses.
Try to find excuses for yourbrother.
Try to find 70, up to 70excuses for your brother, and
the number is just a hyperboleMeaning if they do something, if
they say something, then tryyour best to give them the
benefit of the doubt, and thiscouldn't be more true for the
relationship of marriage.
Another way this could show upis when you're in the talking
(07:20):
stages with someone.
They say something, they askyou something and you
immediately take it personally.
For example, they ask you howcome you're still single?
What they could mean is you'resuch a great catch, you're such
a great person.
Speaker 2 (07:34):
I can't believe you're still single right, but
what you hear is you areincompetent you're a loser, you
don't?
Speaker 1 (07:42):
yeah, you're a loser.
What's wrong with you?
Speaker 2 (07:45):
and why can't you get married?
Don't you know how to talk tothe opposite gender?
Speaker 1 (07:48):
Exactly.
Speaker 2 (07:48):
You don't have game, I don't know All sorts of things
can go off in your head.
Speaker 1 (07:54):
So حُسْنَ الظَّن, حُسْنَ الظَّن, give the other
person the benefit of the doubt.
Speaker 2 (07:58):
Always Okay.
Number two is you struggle torepair after conflict.
So we all know every marriagehas conflicts.
The Prophet also had maritalconflicts, so no marriage is
perfect.
Every couple of your parents,your grandparents, going
generations back, had conflicts.
So the important thing to thinkabout isn't the conflict itself
(08:20):
, but how you handle theconflict.
Exactly Right, we were talkinga little bit about things that
we need to work on and one thingyou were mentioning some advice
that you got from an auntie yes, on the day of our nikah one of
your aunties said never go tobed angry with each other.
Speaker 1 (08:40):
Whatever conflict you have, make sure to resolve it
before you go to sleep that's anexcellent way that's, we
haven't been able to actuallyimplement it.
Speaker 2 (08:49):
We go three, four days, sometimes no four is
pushing it.
Speaker 1 (08:52):
No, we've never gone four days.
Speaker 2 (08:54):
Well, we've gone a few days.
Speaker 1 (08:55):
Yeah, and exactly so.
The conflict is going to happenanyway, but either you can use
it as a growth, as anopportunity for growth, to bring
you closer together, or tobring you apart and build
resentment in the marriage.
Now, how does this relate to?
Speaker 2 (09:12):
a single person.
The important thing to note isthat the relationships you have
outside of marriage yourrelationship with your boss,
your friends, your parents, andall these relationships will
have conflicts at some point oranother.
Don't think that that is justreserved to those kind of times
and places that they don't haveeffects or carry over effects
(09:33):
into a marriage, yeah Right, soimproving your relationships in
those places will definitelyhave positive reverberations
into your marriage.
Speaker 1 (09:43):
Yeah, you can't expect that the day you get
married, you're going to becomea whole new person.
Speaker 2 (09:47):
Right, it's not a switch, it's not a switch.
Speaker 1 (09:49):
So use those relationships.
Use that time before you getmarried.
Speaker 2 (09:53):
Use it as an opportunity to improve, to grow
and to prepare yourself formarriage yeah, yeah, having
those uncomfortableconversations, sometimes right,
with your parents, co-workers,whoever it might be, when
conflicts happen, um, but yeah,don't, don't ever try to
compartmentalize things.
Speaker 1 (10:11):
That's the biggest takeaway from from this so if a
conflict happens with one ofthese, in one of these
relationships, don't make theother person have to beg for you
to forgive them and for thingsto go back together.
Uh, don't go for I don't know amonth without talking to that
person, especially if it's sucha close relationship like a
sibling or a parent.
Speaker 2 (10:30):
Even if you weren't the person that was wrong, be
the one to initiate an apology.
Exactly, exactly, that'ssometimes I struggle with, I'll
be honest, but there's been manytimes where I've been the first
one to initiate an apology.
Yeah, I admire that.
Speaker 1 (10:43):
It's very manly I've said this before Girls find this
very manly when a man canapologize First, first, exactly.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
Yeah.
Speaker 1 (10:53):
Or when a man admits his mistake.
Speaker 2 (10:56):
Okay, number three you confuse compatibility with
chemistry.
So we dedicated an entireepisode to the topic of
chemistry and we see this overand over again.
And we see this over and overagain.
We just spoke to some of theother day about how they weren't
finding that spark or chemistrywith the other person.
And people just get so hung upon that and they forget the
(11:22):
necessity of assessingcompatibility.
Speaker 1 (11:23):
Yeah, right.
Speaker 2 (11:25):
So with us we did have a connection in the
beginning, and we still do,obviously.
But in the beginning ourinstant connection was the art
Right and religion also.
But it was mainly the artbecause, at least for me
personally, it was hard findingsomebody that had a strong
connection to Dean andspecifically you were studying
the religious sciences and youhad such a strong passion for
(11:48):
classical music, so that.
But we didn't allow ourselvesto get stuck on that right, we
weren't just chasing that andjust talked for days and days
and days about just the artsyeah right.
that was a segue into furtherassessing compatibility and I
really hope that people do thatright right, like finding a
(12:08):
connection.
Sometimes there is noconnection there, but that
doesn't mean that there isn'tcompatibility.
The thing with chemistry, orvibe or spark, whatever you want
to use Whatever term you wantto use.
Speaker 1 (12:20):
Exactly.
The thing with that is that itdoesn't last.
Yeah, it's a very fleetingthing and sometimes even it
could disappear before the nikahitself.
And the tricky thing withchemistry is either you're just
looking for chemistry andbecause of that you're passing
on people that are so compatiblethat you can build a life and
(12:42):
marriage with, but you'repassing on because you didn't
find that chemistry.
You didn't find that chemistry.
Or you could end up justchasing chemistry and marry
someone for that chemistry, butthey're actually not compatible
with you.
You don't have the same values,you don't have the same
expectations.
Uh, you have different.
(13:02):
Yeah, you have different.
Speaker 2 (13:04):
Uh, I don't know outlook on finances, on the way
you want to bring up yourchildren, and it just results in
divorce, I guess right, or as,like I've always said in
multiple episodes uh, you'regoing in with a netflix mindset
right, like netflix also,meaning that that high of
getting a binge episode likeyou're like oh my god, I want
(13:25):
the next episode, and the nextepisode, and the next episode,
and then the series is over andthen, all of a sudden, you're
down exactly that's how I feltwhen squid game, the final
season, came out yeah, like itwas it's over
Speaker 1 (13:37):
it's really hard it was.
It was really hard to just turnit off and come back the
following day yeah, yeah.
Speaker 2 (13:43):
Yeah, we tried to limit to two episodes a day, but
anyways, coming back to thetopic, well, we know some people
who finished the entire seasonin one day, so yes yeah, it's
crazy and so the importanttakeaway is not to chase the
emotional highs, but instead thesteady growth.
Okay, number four, you're morecommitted to being right than
(14:05):
being in a relationship.
Speaker 1 (14:07):
You want to be right or you want to be happy.
Speaker 2 (14:10):
As the leader of the home, it is almost necessary to
be right.
If you're making the wrongdecisions, then you're setting
your family up for problems.
Speaker 1 (14:20):
We're not talking about huge decisions.
We're not talking aboutlife-changing decisions.
We're talking about I't knowwhat, uh the way to I don't know
to cook this specific dish no,you have to say that.
Speaker 2 (14:32):
You didn't say that.
Yeah, it's important that we'reclear about what we're talking
about here.
Yeah, of course.
Speaker 1 (14:37):
Yeah, um things who are going to be questioned on on
the day of judgment.
Of course, as a leader, assomeone who's going to be
questioned, who's someone incharge of the family, you want
to be right, of course yeah butwe're talking about things that
don't have that heavy weightright.
Speaker 2 (14:53):
So the important thing is you don't need to win
every conversation, right?
Because if the, then if you'rejust competing with your spouse,
then your spouse is just anopponent, opponent and uh, every
conversation is going to turninto squid game and you're just
trying to murder your wife yeah,you remember three months and
(15:14):
four days ago you said that andI said that.
Speaker 1 (15:18):
You remember what your mom said three years ago.
You remember it's.
We're not keeping score, andthe way this relates to a single
person is again look at yourrelationships, the relationships
you have, especially when itcomes to parents.
We tend to argue a lot with ourparents because we believe we
(15:39):
are smarter, we believe we haveI don't know all this technology
.
Speaker 2 (15:44):
And they come from a different generation, they go
yeah, what do they know ExactlyRight?
Speaker 1 (15:46):
technology, and and they come from a different they
call yeah, what do they knowexactly right?
Yeah, if you can't be humblewith your parents, then that's a
sign that you need to work onthis, and we're not talking
about like compromising on yourvalues or anything of that sort
yeah but things that don't havesuch a heavy weight it's okay,
it's not worth it it's not worthit.
Speaker 2 (16:06):
So the question to ask yourself is do I want to be
right or do I want to connect?
Right connection is moreimportant, especially with your
spouse.
You, you want to come with thatkind of mentality that you want
to learn.
You want to connect and notjust compete yeah, yeah.
Speaker 1 (16:22):
If you want to end up sleeping on the couch three
days a week, then do that.
Keep trying to prove you'reright.
Speaker 2 (16:29):
If you're overwhelmed and burdened and just don't
know where to seek help, let ushelp you.
We can be your personalmatchmakers.
Visit us at halalmatchca andbook a free call with us.
Speaker 1 (16:43):
Sign number five is you're afraid of being bored.
You're always trying to chasethe next high, the next
adventure.
You can't just sit alone withyourself for five minutes, sit
with your thoughts, and you viewthis as I don't know.
There's something wrong withthat.
And marriage as much as there'sexcitement in marriage and all
(17:05):
of that, there's also themundane stuff.
There's running, I don't know.
Running errands, groceryshopping, diaper changing,
laundry, cooking, whatever.
If you can't find joy in thesemundane things, then your
marriage is not going to be ahappy one.
Speaker 2 (17:23):
Yeah, that you know.
The funny thing is is that'swhat I was looking for.
I don't come from wealth.
I don't see myself living in amansion and driving fancy cars.
That wasn't exactly my approachto life.
So I was a very simple person.
But I appreciated simplicityright, taking care of your
health, making time formeaningful conversations, things
(17:44):
like that, for meaningfulconversations, things like that.
So that was an important partof what I was looking for in a
spouse.
Yeah, and hopefully that youguys can prioritize this too,
right, because there is beautyand joy in simplicity, right,
which is why we always tellpeople like, especially when it
comes to planning the weddingright, simplicity is the key
(18:07):
right that you can still have ameaningful, beautiful wedding
while keeping it affordable andsimple, yeah, and routine gives
structure to life.
Speaker 1 (18:14):
It doesn't mean that there's no excitement in your
life, but it means that you'reokay with being quiet, with some
peace, with some routine, andyou're not always just chasing
that next thing adventure,travel, trip, party yeah, going
out, and that's really what Ifeel like.
People just want to stackthings on exactly, yeah, yeah,
(18:36):
you have your lifetime toexperience all of that, yeah I
mean that's why there's so muchpressure to have a honeymoon
like immediately yeah like dude,we just had our honeymoon last
year.
Speaker 2 (18:46):
It's OK, yeah.
Now obviously that was due tocircumstance, but still it
wasn't such a big deal, yeah.
So the takeaway is learn toenjoy stillness, practice
contentment in slow, quietmoments.
I remember we we had like atleast I did, I had a meditation
phase where I was trying to justlike be consistent with
(19:09):
meditation yeah but um, yeah,that's like you just said
finding joy in peace andsimplicity yeah, stability,
don't confuse stability withboredom yeah big part of
marriage, of a healthy andsuccessful marriage, is
stability, and that's a blessing, blessing from Allah, subhanahu
wa ta'ala.
Speaker 1 (19:29):
You don't have like.
There are no accidents, nodiseases, no financial crises,
no, alhamdulillah, that's ablessing.
It doesn't mean that our lifeis boring.
Speaker 2 (19:39):
So the important takeaways from all of these
points is that these signs don'tdisqualify you.
Sometimes it's not aboutfinding the right person, but
becoming someone who canactually sustain a healthy,
long-loving marriage, becausethis isn't a sprint, it's a
marathon, right.
So you want to build somethingthat's going to last.
Speaker 1 (20:02):
You know, having this discussion made me realize that
us, even that we're coming upto six years of marriage, we
have things to work on oh forsure, yes, yeah, and, and we'll
be saying the same thing in 10years.
No, but maybe we're gonna besaying something alhamdulillah,
we worked on this, now we'reworking on this and that's okay.
It's like your connection withallah, subhanahu wa ta'ala in
(20:24):
terms of you're not sprinting toget to a specific point of your
connection with allah,subhanahu wa ta'ala, in terms of
you're not sprinting to get toa specific point of your
connection with allah.
It's a path, it's a journey.
As long as you're on the path,then that's a.
That's good, alhamdulillah.
So that's the same thing withmarriage you're growing together
yeah and so for.
Speaker 2 (20:44):
for you guys that are single, if you guys start
working on these things whileyou're single man, I can promise
you guys you will be settingyourself up at a huge advantage.
All right, Because these, thesestrengths and the work that
you've done, they will show upthrough the courting phase.
They'll show up through theconversations and questions that
(21:06):
you're going to be asking eachother and your marriage yourself
and and you're going to besetting yourself up for a strong
marriage, inshallah inshallahso I want to hear from you guys
I mean, we both want to hearfrom you guys.
You know which of these signshit home for you, which of them
stood out for you to you, whichof them do you feel like you
already developed or maybe is indevelopment for you?
(21:28):
And, yeah, what's somethingyou're working on before you say
Bismillah.
Speaker 1 (21:34):
Yeah.
Speaker 2 (21:35):
Until next time, assalamualaikum, assalamualaikum
.
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