May 1, 2025 • 15 mins
What happens when you've tried every external change but still feel stuck? The answer might surprise you.
Discover the hidden operating system that's silently running your life—what I call your "survival model." This outdated thinking pattern once helped you navigate challenges but has now become the very thing standing between you and the life you truly want. Through years of coaching, I've witnessed this pattern repeatedly: clients changing jobs, relationships, or locations only to find the same feelings resurfacing because they're bringing their internal operating system with them everywhere they go.
The good news? It's a thinking problem, not a capability problem—and it can be transformed.
Enjoy!
Learn more about Carla:
Website: https:/www.carlareeves.com/
Connect on LI: https://www.linkedin.com/in/reevescarla/
Connect on Youtube: https://www.youtube.com/@differentlythepodcast
Go to https://carlareeves.com/freeclass to get The Class schedule, sign up, and/or pass it on to a friend. Each month is a new topic. Come hang out and learn with us for FREE!
Get your copy of 5 Ways to Manage Your Mind
Go to https://www.carlareeves.com/getunstuck.com to download Carla's on demand journaling workshop + exercise to help you stop spinning and start moving forward.
Explore Coaching with Carla: https://bookme.name/carlareeves/lite/explore-coaching
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
I'm Carla Reeves, and this is Differently.
Whether you feel stuck insurvival, navigating a change,
or seeking more for your life,may this podcast be your weekly
nudge to take a risk to build alife that is uniquely bold,
authentic and in alignment withyour deepest values.
What if you worried less aboutthe bumps in the road and
(00:23):
instead got equipped for thejourney?
Get ready to rethink what'spossible.
Welcome to the Differentlypodcast.
If you're new to the show,welcome.
I'm so excited that you're hereand listening and if you've
been hanging out with me for awhile gosh, it's been a while.
(00:45):
Thank you so much for being aregular listener.
I want to talk about somethingreally important today with you,
but before we do that, I justwant to say that you might
notice a little refresh on theartwork and the music and the
intro and, as you know, the last18 months, gosh, I've been
(01:08):
growing and shedding andlearning and healing a lot, as
we all are all the time and, asyou know, sometimes your brand
has to catch up with your ownevolution and growth, and so
that's what you're seeing.
I feel like my message andmission has gotten more clear
(01:28):
and soon all the other pieceswill reflect that, and I'm
excited to share more about thatwith you soon.
So I want to talk aboutsomething really important.
If you have been feeling stuck,if you feel like you're
spinning your wheels, if youfeel like you're doing all the
right things but you're notmaking the traction or the
(01:52):
meaningful traction that youwant to make in your life, I
want you to know that it's notbecause there's something wrong
with you, it's not becauseyou're not capable.
It's most likely a thinkingproblem.
And I noticed this, ordiscovered this early on in my
coaching work.
(02:12):
I'd been coaching, I think, fora few years at that point and I
noticed that when people cameinto coaching, they always
wanted to change a relationshipor move to a new city or change
a job or make some big change intheir life.
And I noticed after a whilethat I sensed that that wasn't
(02:32):
actually what they wanted tochange.
And I started asking people ifthey were willing to suspend
that big change, making that bigchange in their life, so that
we could explore something elsebig change in their life so that
we could explore something else.
And as I started exploring andgetting inside of what they were
thinking and what their beliefsare and what this system
(02:52):
operating system internally thatthey're using to navigate their
life.
I started to recognize thatthere were patterns in this
operating system that weretripping them up and that they
were actually trying to escapethat not the relationship, job
or city.
And even if they did still wantto make that big change, once
(03:13):
we were able to recognize theoperating system and make some
changes there, then they couldmake that big transition or
change in their life from a verydifferent place.
Transition or change in theirlife from a very different place
, a more empowered place, a moreproactive place, a place that
(03:36):
wasn't a need to escape, but itwas a real, intentional choice
about making a change in theirlife.
So there's something that's inyour way that is like a blind
spot.
It's the biggest blind spotthat I have seen show up for
people and I call it yoursurvival model, because it is an
operating system that literallydid help you survive at one
(03:57):
time in your life.
It's not all bad.
The problem is that a lot oftimes we're grown adults now
trying to create change in ourlife, but we're operating in an
old, outdated operating systemthat literally did help us
survive at one time, but nowit's the very thing that is in
our way, and as I had mentionedon a previous recent episode, is
(04:22):
that I feel that we're going toneed to get equipped to
navigate change, possibly morequickly than we ever have, and
we're going to need to have lessdrag in our life, less struggle
, less spinning our wheels, andI feel an urgency to really help
people get out of theirsurvival model, to recognize it,
(04:45):
know that it's there and chooseintentionally in the face of it
.
It doesn't really ever go away,but once you can see it, you
can choose differently in theface of it.
So a few signs that you might bein survival mode it can look
like a constant overthinking ormental spinning.
It can feel like you're stuckdespite external success.
(05:10):
So if you look at your lifefrom the outside, it looks
really good, but inside you'rejust not feeling it.
That's a really good signOperating from fear rather than
faith or possibility.
Maybe you just feel exhaustedand trying to hold it all
together.
A lot of my clients when theystart, they feel that way.
(05:30):
They're spread so thin andthey're exhausted and they just
can't do it the same way anymore.
A lot of times it can look likea lack of progress and momentum
, despite putting in all theeffort.
And so these are signs and itcan start to feel like, oh, like
what's wrong with me?
(05:51):
Why can't I tap into my fullpotential?
Why can't I overcome this?
And a lot of times it isbecause it is a blind spot.
It's hard to see on your own.
The cost of staying here is thatyou perpetuate the same results
in your life, even though youmight change your actions or,
(06:11):
like I said, change arelationship, a job or move to a
new city.
Oftentimes you'll feel betterfor a period of time, but then
you might start to feel thosesame old, familiar feelings
resurface.
That is totally normal and asign that you haven't addressed
the foundation.
And once you address thatfoundation, then you have a
(06:33):
clean and clear operating systemthat you can then make changes
with.
That follows you, so that ifyou make a relationship change,
you're not going to slip back tothose old ways, because you're
actually operating in a new way,thinking in a new way, thinking
in a new way, behaving in a newway.
And again, this is a practice.
I recognize this in my own lifea lot of years ago, and I still
(06:57):
practice.
And there's a big cost tostaying here because we
perpetuate those sameunfulfilling results and feel at
the mercy of our circumstanceswhen we don't have to.
By the way, we missopportunities for growth and
impact right Because we dismissthings or we shrink, because the
view and perspective we hold ofourselves and what's possible
(07:21):
is small and outdated.
We remain caught in cycles ofoverthinking and inaction for
longer periods of time than weneed to and we watch life slip
by, you know, realizing thatwe're not stepping into that
full potential or what we knowis possible in our heart for our
life.
And if I know who you are whichI feel like, I have a sense, if
(07:45):
you've been listening to thispodcast, that that's not okay
with you.
It's not okay with me either,and that's why I'm on a mission
to really share this and teachpeople about what this is and
help you get out of it.
It's a thinking problem, not ayou problem or a capability
problem.
It's a thinking problem problemor a capability problem.
(08:12):
It's a thinking problem.
I want to share a few simpleexamples where this has a
profound impact.
Years and years ago, I wascoaching a woman who didn't feel
like she had value.
She had inside of her oldsurvival model operating system.
She had a belief that shedidn't have value, that people
didn't see her, understand her,and it really showed up in every
(08:32):
interaction she had with herboss at work.
Because she was looking throughalways looking through the lens
of she wasn't valuable andthat's all she could see when
her boss would behave in certainways and we actually.
I actually had her send me oneof the emails her boss sent that
she was really upset about andas I read the email, there was
(08:53):
really nothing to be upset aboutin that email.
However, when you're looking atsomething through a lens of not
being valued, not being seen,it shades the entire experience
you have of reading that emailand so we misinterpret things
over and over and over again.
That's one example.
(09:14):
Another example is watchingpeople behave in relationships
where they're perpetuatingunfulfilling, debilitating
patterns in relationshipsbecause of this operating system
and survival model.
Because when we think a certainway and we believe either we're
not lovable or we're notcapable of great love, that
(09:36):
impacts how we show up and howwe behave in relationships, and
I've worked with many people whowe start to adjust their
thinking just a little bit.
That starts to impact how theyshow up in relationships and
over time, I have seen peoplecreate brand new relationship
patterns in their life.
(09:57):
This is, you know, my mission isto renew minds, because
renewing your mind renews yourlife.
It's biblical and I've seenthis in people's lives.
This has potential to changelegacies and when you do this in
your own life, if you havechildren, it downloads to your
children and the people aroundyou.
(10:18):
The last example I want toshare with you is one I think
that you'll relate with is, andone that I had to work really
hard in my life to change.
But this working hard and yourwork becoming your identity and
this need to achieve, achieve,achieve, prove, prove, prove.
And it's like never enough andwe just can't check enough boxes
(10:41):
to actually start to feelfulfilled.
It's an illusion that if weachieve more, we're going to
feel better.
It's an illusion that if weachieve more, we're going to
feel better, and this is alsoyour survival model in action,
because somewhere along the wayyou learned to get value
identity from your work and itbecomes like it's a strength,
(11:05):
right, but it becomes a weaknesswhen you overuse it.
And I see this so often with myclients, and we think that if
we can just get to a certainlevel, then we can relax and
then we can live a morefulfilling life.
But the opposite is true.
You have to start to learn toflex that muscle and separate
your identity from your work,and so these are three examples
(11:28):
that I see a lot in the work Ido with clients.
The survival model can bereally debilitating until you
know about it and you canrecognize it.
So let's talk about what can youdo.
Again, getting out of survivalmode isn't about doing more or
being more.
(11:49):
It's about thinking differently.
First we have to get to thefoundation of things, and kind
of my favorite work with peopleis to help you pull apart your
thinking and shine light in yourthinking so that we can pull
out the lies, challenge yourthinking and start to invent a
model that is updated, thatallows you to become who you're
(12:12):
designed to be today and havethe impact that you really,
really want to have in your life.
So what do we do?
First we have to raise thatawareness to our thinking, and
this is why I promote journalingso much.
It's really not aboutjournaling.
Journaling is a vehicle tounderstanding your own mind, and
(12:33):
I believe that this is reallytrue.
Self-love and self-care isunderstanding the landscape of
your mind, understanding what'sgoing on in there, what you're
allowing to hang out in there,and really intentionally
choosing and cleaning up theenvironment of your mind, and so
ways that you can do that isjust like a simple daily
(12:53):
check-in practice Check in withthe way that you're thinking,
check in with the thoughts thathave been hanging around all day
.
This is one of the firstexercises I do with clients is
just looking at your thoughts,the power of your thoughts on
any given day.
What were you thinking today?
How did that make you feel?
(13:16):
How did that impact your mood?
Just starting to tune in.
That's all I want you to do tostart.
If you're ready to like reallyaddress this.
If you feel like, wow, this isreally speaking to me and I feel
like this blind spot is havinga huge impact in my life and my
work, let's talk, get on a callwith me.
I am feeling like this is soimportant that I've actually
(13:39):
changed the way that I'mcoaching and I'm offering a
program where you can just getyour survival model, because
it's so powerful for people.
I want to make it moreaccessible for you, so I have
ways of doing that.
I'm also hosting a class Ifyou're listening live on May 9th
, where it's called get out ofsurvival, where I'm going to go
(14:01):
a little bit deeper into this.
So I invite you to the freeclass, I invite you to schedule
a call with me If you know, youjust just you want to know more
about this or you're ready todive in.
It would be an honor to talk toyou.
So a recap getting out ofsurvival mode isn't about doing
more or being more.
This is good news.
It's about thinking differently.
(14:23):
Next week, I'm going to talkabout journaling and prompts
that can help you to continue toraise your awareness around
this and get out of survival.
And lastly, remember there isno perfect time to do this.
It's always going to feel like,oh, I'll do this in three
months when my life slows down.
(14:44):
Life doesn't slow down.
There's always something down.
Life doesn't slow down.
There's always something.
Your life will start to changewhen you make an interruption
and say yes to you and your lifeand there's nothing selfish
about this.
It's one of the most generousthings you can do, because it
will ripple to everyone aroundyou.
(15:07):
Thank you for tuning in to thisepisode of Differently.
It's been an honor to sharethis conversation with you.
You know, one of the keys toliving fully is to take action
when you're inspired to do so.
I hope you found that spark ofinspiration today and would you
help us spread the word.
Did someone you know come tomind while you were listening?
(15:28):
If this episode could impactsomeone you know, please share
it and pass it along.
Thank you.
I'm Carla Reeves, and this is Differently.
Whether you feel stuck insurvival, navigating a change,
or seeking more for your life,may this podcast be your weekly
nudge to take a risk to build alife that is uniquely bold,
authentic and in alignment withyour deepest values.
What if you worried less aboutthe bumps in the road and
(00:23):
instead got equipped for thejourney?
Get ready to rethink what'spossible.
Welcome to the Differentlypodcast.
If you're new to the show,welcome.
I'm so excited that you're hereand listening and if you've
been hanging out with me for awhile gosh, it's been a while.
(00:45):
Thank you so much for being aregular listener.
I want to talk about somethingreally important today with you,
but before we do that, I justwant to say that you might
notice a little refresh on theartwork and the music and the
intro and, as you know, the last18 months, gosh, I've been
(01:08):
growing and shedding andlearning and healing a lot, as
we all are all the time and, asyou know, sometimes your brand
has to catch up with your ownevolution and growth, and so
that's what you're seeing.
I feel like my message andmission has gotten more clear
(01:28):
and soon all the other pieceswill reflect that, and I'm
excited to share more about thatwith you soon.
So I want to talk aboutsomething really important.
If you have been feeling stuck,if you feel like you're
spinning your wheels, if youfeel like you're doing all the
right things but you're notmaking the traction or the
(01:52):
meaningful traction that youwant to make in your life, I
want you to know that it's notbecause there's something wrong
with you, it's not becauseyou're not capable.
It's most likely a thinkingproblem.
And I noticed this, ordiscovered this early on in my
coaching work.
(02:12):
I'd been coaching, I think, fora few years at that point and I
noticed that when people cameinto coaching, they always
wanted to change a relationshipor move to a new city or change
a job or make some big change intheir life.
And I noticed after a whilethat I sensed that that wasn't
(02:32):
actually what they wanted tochange.
And I started asking people ifthey were willing to suspend
that big change, making that bigchange in their life, so that
we could explore something elsebig change in their life so that
we could explore something else.
And as I started exploring andgetting inside of what they were
thinking and what their beliefsare and what this system
(02:52):
operating system internally thatthey're using to navigate their
life.
I started to recognize thatthere were patterns in this
operating system that weretripping them up and that they
were actually trying to escapethat not the relationship, job
or city.
And even if they did still wantto make that big change, once
(03:13):
we were able to recognize theoperating system and make some
changes there, then they couldmake that big transition or
change in their life from a verydifferent place.
Transition or change in theirlife from a very different place
, a more empowered place, a moreproactive place, a place that
(03:36):
wasn't a need to escape, but itwas a real, intentional choice
about making a change in theirlife.
So there's something that's inyour way that is like a blind
spot.
It's the biggest blind spotthat I have seen show up for
people and I call it yoursurvival model, because it is an
operating system that literallydid help you survive at one
(03:57):
time in your life.
It's not all bad.
The problem is that a lot oftimes we're grown adults now
trying to create change in ourlife, but we're operating in an
old, outdated operating systemthat literally did help us
survive at one time, but nowit's the very thing that is in
our way, and as I had mentionedon a previous recent episode, is
(04:22):
that I feel that we're going toneed to get equipped to
navigate change, possibly morequickly than we ever have, and
we're going to need to have lessdrag in our life, less struggle
, less spinning our wheels, andI feel an urgency to really help
people get out of theirsurvival model, to recognize it,
(04:45):
know that it's there and chooseintentionally in the face of it
.
It doesn't really ever go away,but once you can see it, you
can choose differently in theface of it.
So a few signs that you might bein survival mode it can look
like a constant overthinking ormental spinning.
It can feel like you're stuckdespite external success.
(05:10):
So if you look at your lifefrom the outside, it looks
really good, but inside you'rejust not feeling it.
That's a really good signOperating from fear rather than
faith or possibility.
Maybe you just feel exhaustedand trying to hold it all
together.
A lot of my clients when theystart, they feel that way.
(05:30):
They're spread so thin andthey're exhausted and they just
can't do it the same way anymore.
A lot of times it can look likea lack of progress and momentum
, despite putting in all theeffort.
And so these are signs and itcan start to feel like, oh, like
what's wrong with me?
(05:51):
Why can't I tap into my fullpotential?
Why can't I overcome this?
And a lot of times it isbecause it is a blind spot.
It's hard to see on your own.
The cost of staying here is thatyou perpetuate the same results
in your life, even though youmight change your actions or,
(06:11):
like I said, change arelationship, a job or move to a
new city.
Oftentimes you'll feel betterfor a period of time, but then
you might start to feel thosesame old, familiar feelings
resurface.
That is totally normal and asign that you haven't addressed
the foundation.
And once you address thatfoundation, then you have a
(06:33):
clean and clear operating systemthat you can then make changes
with.
That follows you, so that ifyou make a relationship change,
you're not going to slip back tothose old ways, because you're
actually operating in a new way,thinking in a new way, thinking
in a new way, behaving in a newway.
And again, this is a practice.
I recognize this in my own lifea lot of years ago, and I still
(06:57):
practice.
And there's a big cost tostaying here because we
perpetuate those sameunfulfilling results and feel at
the mercy of our circumstanceswhen we don't have to.
By the way, we missopportunities for growth and
impact right Because we dismissthings or we shrink, because the
view and perspective we hold ofourselves and what's possible
(07:21):
is small and outdated.
We remain caught in cycles ofoverthinking and inaction for
longer periods of time than weneed to and we watch life slip
by, you know, realizing thatwe're not stepping into that
full potential or what we knowis possible in our heart for our
life.
And if I know who you are whichI feel like, I have a sense, if
(07:45):
you've been listening to thispodcast, that that's not okay
with you.
It's not okay with me either,and that's why I'm on a mission
to really share this and teachpeople about what this is and
help you get out of it.
It's a thinking problem, not ayou problem or a capability
problem.
It's a thinking problem problemor a capability problem.
(08:12):
It's a thinking problem.
I want to share a few simpleexamples where this has a
profound impact.
Years and years ago, I wascoaching a woman who didn't feel
like she had value.
She had inside of her oldsurvival model operating system.
She had a belief that shedidn't have value, that people
didn't see her, understand her,and it really showed up in every
(08:32):
interaction she had with herboss at work.
Because she was looking throughalways looking through the lens
of she wasn't valuable andthat's all she could see when
her boss would behave in certainways and we actually.
I actually had her send me oneof the emails her boss sent that
she was really upset about andas I read the email, there was
(08:53):
really nothing to be upset aboutin that email.
However, when you're looking atsomething through a lens of not
being valued, not being seen,it shades the entire experience
you have of reading that emailand so we misinterpret things
over and over and over again.
That's one example.
(09:14):
Another example is watchingpeople behave in relationships
where they're perpetuatingunfulfilling, debilitating
patterns in relationshipsbecause of this operating system
and survival model.
Because when we think a certainway and we believe either we're
not lovable or we're notcapable of great love, that
(09:36):
impacts how we show up and howwe behave in relationships, and
I've worked with many people whowe start to adjust their
thinking just a little bit.
That starts to impact how theyshow up in relationships and
over time, I have seen peoplecreate brand new relationship
patterns in their life.
(09:57):
This is, you know, my mission isto renew minds, because
renewing your mind renews yourlife.
It's biblical and I've seenthis in people's lives.
This has potential to changelegacies and when you do this in
your own life, if you havechildren, it downloads to your
children and the people aroundyou.
(10:18):
The last example I want toshare with you is one I think
that you'll relate with is, andone that I had to work really
hard in my life to change.
But this working hard and yourwork becoming your identity and
this need to achieve, achieve,achieve, prove, prove, prove.
And it's like never enough andwe just can't check enough boxes
(10:41):
to actually start to feelfulfilled.
It's an illusion that if weachieve more, we're going to
feel better.
It's an illusion that if weachieve more, we're going to
feel better, and this is alsoyour survival model in action,
because somewhere along the wayyou learned to get value
identity from your work and itbecomes like it's a strength,
(11:05):
right, but it becomes a weaknesswhen you overuse it.
And I see this so often with myclients, and we think that if
we can just get to a certainlevel, then we can relax and
then we can live a morefulfilling life.
But the opposite is true.
You have to start to learn toflex that muscle and separate
your identity from your work,and so these are three examples
(11:28):
that I see a lot in the work Ido with clients.
The survival model can bereally debilitating until you
know about it and you canrecognize it.
So let's talk about what can youdo.
Again, getting out of survivalmode isn't about doing more or
being more.
(11:49):
It's about thinking differently.
First we have to get to thefoundation of things, and kind
of my favorite work with peopleis to help you pull apart your
thinking and shine light in yourthinking so that we can pull
out the lies, challenge yourthinking and start to invent a
model that is updated, thatallows you to become who you're
(12:12):
designed to be today and havethe impact that you really,
really want to have in your life.
So what do we do?
First we have to raise thatawareness to our thinking, and
this is why I promote journalingso much.
It's really not aboutjournaling.
Journaling is a vehicle tounderstanding your own mind, and
(12:33):
I believe that this is reallytrue.
Self-love and self-care isunderstanding the landscape of
your mind, understanding what'sgoing on in there, what you're
allowing to hang out in there,and really intentionally
choosing and cleaning up theenvironment of your mind, and so
ways that you can do that isjust like a simple daily
(12:53):
check-in practice Check in withthe way that you're thinking,
check in with the thoughts thathave been hanging around all day
.
This is one of the firstexercises I do with clients is
just looking at your thoughts,the power of your thoughts on
any given day.
What were you thinking today?
How did that make you feel?
(13:16):
How did that impact your mood?
Just starting to tune in.
That's all I want you to do tostart.
If you're ready to like reallyaddress this.
If you feel like, wow, this isreally speaking to me and I feel
like this blind spot is havinga huge impact in my life and my
work, let's talk, get on a callwith me.
I am feeling like this is soimportant that I've actually
(13:39):
changed the way that I'mcoaching and I'm offering a
program where you can just getyour survival model, because
it's so powerful for people.
I want to make it moreaccessible for you, so I have
ways of doing that.
I'm also hosting a class Ifyou're listening live on May 9th
, where it's called get out ofsurvival, where I'm going to go
(14:01):
a little bit deeper into this.
So I invite you to the freeclass, I invite you to schedule
a call with me If you know, youjust just you want to know more
about this or you're ready todive in.
It would be an honor to talk toyou.
So a recap getting out ofsurvival mode isn't about doing
more or being more.
This is good news.
It's about thinking differently.
(14:23):
Next week, I'm going to talkabout journaling and prompts
that can help you to continue toraise your awareness around
this and get out of survival.
And lastly, remember there isno perfect time to do this.
It's always going to feel like,oh, I'll do this in three
months when my life slows down.
(14:44):
Life doesn't slow down.
There's always something down.
Life doesn't slow down.
There's always something.
Your life will start to changewhen you make an interruption
and say yes to you and your lifeand there's nothing selfish
about this.
It's one of the most generousthings you can do, because it
will ripple to everyone aroundyou.
(15:07):
Thank you for tuning in to thisepisode of Differently.
It's been an honor to sharethis conversation with you.
You know, one of the keys toliving fully is to take action
when you're inspired to do so.
I hope you found that spark ofinspiration today and would you
help us spread the word.
Did someone you know come tomind while you were listening?
(15:28):
If this episode could impactsomeone you know, please share
it and pass it along.
Thank you.
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