November 20, 2025 • 53 mins
The heaviest weight might not be your calendar or inbox. It could be the old story you keep carrying. Today I sit down with Erin Davis, a dear friend and brand strategist to unpack her “survival model” that once helped her cope but now fueled burnout, irritation, and constant fixing. What changed everything for her wasn’t her circumstances, it was learning to see and understand her thinking patterns, challenging old thoughts, and making micromovements over time.
Erin shares the core beliefs that ran her day and how writing turned into a practical lens for clarity. We explore micro movements that require no extra time and talk about how she freed up energy without changing anyone else.
If you’re outwardly successful but secretly exhausted, this conversation is for you.
Enjoy!
Learn more about Erin and the beautiful work that she does with people like you!
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
SPEAKER_00 (00:00):
A deep change in the way that we live requires a deep
change in the way that we think.
I'm Carla Reeves, and this isdifferently.
Hello.
We're so excited that you'rehere.
SPEAKER_01 (00:16):
So excited to be here.
SPEAKER_00 (00:19):
And Erin Davis and I are having another conversation.
You can go back and check outother episodes that she's been
on one on September 12th of 24.
And that one was like burnout toreally like standing in your
true brand.
And then February 20th of 25, wedid a behind the scenes with
(00:41):
Kelly Marshall just talkingabout entrepreneurship and
friendship and things like that.
So, Erin, welcome back.
I'm so glad you're here.
SPEAKER_01 (00:50):
Thank you.
I'm so glad to be here.
Obviously, I love chatting withyou because this is our third
time.
And so it's so good.
SPEAKER_00 (00:59):
And it won't be the last.
Maybe the listener hasn't heardthe other ones.
Why don't you just give a littlesense of who you are and what
season of life you're in?
Anything you feel inspired toshare?
SPEAKER_01 (01:15):
Um, well, my name's Erin Davis.
I have been in the brand andmarketing realm um for my entire
professional career.
Um I went to college forcommunications.
Um I got my master's in it.
And it's taken me all that timeto just really realize and live
(01:37):
into this understanding andknowing that communicating is
like the gift that God has givenme.
And um that's kind of beenrefined and um honed over time
in uh my work life.
And that looks like my businessmatchbox Women Now, where I help
women attach their createddivine identity to what they're
(02:01):
doing in business.
And that typically reflects alsoin their life.
And when I talk aboutsustainability, I don't
necessarily mean it from afinancial or even a time
management standpoint.
Um I I mean it from working fromwho you truly are and then
attaching that to the work thatyou do.
That makes it sustainable, andthen all the goals or success or
(02:25):
the vision that you're kind ofworking towards or living into
that comes as a natural umexpression from working, you
know, from your true identity.
Um, I have four children.
I live on a ranch in uhCalifornia, and um I love
(02:46):
growing and learning and workingwith other women who are on kind
of that same trajectory.
Um I don't know if it's likedoing our best as much as it is,
you know, being as as closelyaligned with who we're designed
to be as possible.
And so God just kind of leads meto women who are an expression
(03:11):
of that.
And that's how you and I cametogether, like how Kelly and I
have come together, a new friendLeah I met online.
It's just like it all works, youknow.
Kind of you come, what comes toyou um is what you know comes
from what what you're lookingfor.
And um so I think thisconversation is an expression of
(03:31):
that and the work that you and Ihave done together, and just how
good it all is.
Not that it's easy, but it justfeels right.
So you keep going and you keepdoing it, and I don't know,
there's just kind of proof inwhat comes out of that, and so
(03:51):
um that's how I'm I I'm applyingall that to life and how I do
work, and it feels good.
Feels right, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (04:02):
So the way Aaron and I connected is kind of an
interesting story um becausewell, Kelly Marshall introduced
us, I don't even know how longago that was, a couple years.
I don't time has flown.
I know it might even be I don'teven know either.
But Aaron and I like met andthen we just started these
coffee chats like once a monthor once every couple weeks.
(04:24):
I can't even remember, but wejust felt inspired to stay
connected and we would just meetand we would just talk about
whatever life and business andall the things.
And then I don't even rememberexactly how it happened, but I
think something that you hadshared like stirred something in
me, like, oh, I I want to share,like I want her to know her
(04:46):
survival model.
And I think I approached you, Idon't really remember correctly
my memory, but somehow wedecided that we were gonna share
services like trade services,and I would take her through the
coaching, the 12-week coachingprogram, and she was gonna
support me in writing emails andunderstanding my brand more and
(05:09):
understanding how to kind ofextract who I am and put it in
the emails and all the things.
I mean, we you we covered somuch on that side of things,
which we might do anotherepisode about.
Um but so Erin, we startedworking together and you started
going through my coachingprogram, and that's what we kind
(05:30):
of want to have just aconversation about so that you
can peek inside of what it lookslike um and what we walk through
together um inside of that12-week program.
And so is there anything elseyou want to add to our
connection and meeting that Imissed or um only that Carla and
(05:54):
I have never actually met inreal life.
SPEAKER_01 (05:56):
We've never actually sat across a real table.
Um, so I love like the power oftechnology and the internet for
that.
Um, and someday we will meet inreal life.
But I think the other thing isthat um I remember, you know, we
were kind of talking and therewere so many similarities.
Like we we need to do something.
(06:17):
And so I really came to yourwork with zero expectations, but
I did have a belief that, like,you know, I've read all the
books and I have been incoaching and and done all the
things for years.
I my belief was that I I waskind of I couldn't change
(06:39):
certain habits.
Like this is who I am, andreally I need to survive the
things that I can't change.
Like that's just probably kindof my story.
And I think that maybe throughthe process of me kind of
talking about that with you, youwere like, Oh, uh, I I beg to
differ.
I think if you understood yoursurvival model, you might have
(07:02):
more choices.
Um, and you might find thatthere is more that you can maybe
change those habits.
SPEAKER_00 (07:11):
Um yeah.
Well, and you just reminded me,like I did, like Erin is such a
beautiful light, like she issuch a beautiful light in the
world.
And what I sensed is like youhad this heaviness that you were
carrying around.
And usually like that heavinessis tied to our survival model
(07:35):
and like agreements we made withourselves a long time ago that
is weight and heavy and that wedon't have to carry anymore.
And I just knew like it wasgonna free you up.
And I just I I have neverentered a coaching relationship
like you and I did, because likeit's not like she was seeking
(07:58):
it, like she wasn't looking foranything.
I'm like, I've already done it.
And we just did it, like we justwe just decided to jump in and
do it.
And so I want people tounderstand like what did
survival look like for you?
Because um, and I think I alsosaw myself in you because I had
(08:22):
that heaviness, you know, at onetime, like I was doing all the
right things and and and butlike something just wasn't
clicking.
It just was I wasn't able tomake traction that I knew was
possible.
And so what did survival lookand feel like for you?
Because I think sometimes wejust get accustomed and resigned
(08:44):
to like this is just life, andwe lose hope that it can be
better.
SPEAKER_01 (08:51):
I think for me, I you what one of your like what
something that you say a lot isthat you serve high achievers.
And I didn't identify with beingsomebody who is like high
achieving.
Um but over time I've realized Iam like I get a lot done.
(09:12):
I, you know, run a successfulbusiness, I'm a mom, you know, I
help with my in-laws.
There's a lot going on.
I am actually achieving a lot.
But what I was telling myselfthat I wasn't because I was
burnt out, I was short-tempered,I was irritated.
Um, and that I could, I couldmask a lot.
(09:33):
Um, and you know, kind of theoutward success told me like,
oh, must be doing somethingright.
Like the the bad habits or thatirritation, burn out that
heaviness, it's just must bepart of life.
And um, you know, if I can justcontinue to achieve, then that's
(09:54):
telling me I'm doing enoughright.
And that maybe those thosefeelings are, yeah, they're just
part of life.
And um, I don't know, I'll I'llpray harder and I'll like do
more Bible studies and I'll getaround women who um, you know,
make me feel good and I'll havepositive talk.
And um I don't know, I'll dosome, you know, uh some rituals
(10:17):
and some self-help and somebrief deep breathing.
And that will change, you know,help me cope with the irritation
or burnout or um heavinessthat's there.
And so it was what came out inmy survival model was this like,
I'll fix it.
I'll fix it, you know, I'll I'llbecause that has worked in so
(10:39):
many other places.
Um and I just didn't know Ididn't know any other way.
And it, you know, this age andstage, I just kind of figured
like I'm you know, this is who Iam.
And it's okay because I'm stillachieving a lot.
Um, I'm still successful.
(11:00):
Um, I still have lots of momentsof good.
And um but yeah, there was Idon't know, when you work with
somebody or you sit across fromsomebody that like gets to know
you and it holds space forsomething more, like it can't
help but crack you open.
And um it just I was like, oh,maybe there's something more and
(11:25):
coming to you with noexpectations, um yeah, it was
just the right, I don't know, itwas like the right formula or
the right, the right thing.
SPEAKER_00 (11:36):
Um yeah, the timing was such a god thing.
Um I think we both felt thatlike all the way through.
So if if you haven't heard metalk about survival model
before, um it's like it's a it'ssomething that got created a
long time ago that literallyit's made up of like your
(12:01):
thinking and your beliefs andyour patterns and your actions
and the way you respond tothings.
And it literally helped you tosurvive at one time.
And most often now, like as anadult, if you feel like you keep
hitting your head against likethe same wall and the same
unfulfilling feelings, and yousort of can't get past that,
(12:23):
it's very likely that you'reoperating in survival.
And it's like uh it preventsyou.
It's like it's designed to kindof keep you right where you are,
and it's a blind spot and it'shard to see.
And so getting outside of thisis when you can really start to
uh make true change and be freeof this like heavy weight.
(12:50):
Like in mine, I was justconstantly trying to do more, be
better, work harder, like takecare of other people more,
please more.
And I'd have fleeting moments offeeling better, but then I would
just fall back down to those oldbeliefs I had about myself, and
then it would cause me to justpick up and work harder, do
more, and I was exhausted.
(13:10):
Um, and so would any of anyonehave known on the outside, Erin,
like in your life, in yourcircle, that like any of this
was really going on for you?
SPEAKER_01 (13:26):
Uh no, probably not.
I mean, maybe my kids and myhusband would, you know, see
overwhelm, um, or like, youknow, mom needs to like have
some time, or not that that'snot okay, but um I mean, all the
all the boxes were checked.
Um, I was doing all the things.
(13:47):
Um but there was especially athome, you it it wouldn't take
much to scratch the surface, butum because yeah, oh mom's mom's
overwhelmed.
That's like that word, mom'soverwhelmed, mom's overwhelmed.
Um, you certainly wouldn't seeit outside of my home, though.
(14:07):
Yeah.
All all signs pointed to um notoverwhelmed, like just yeah,
like we're handling it all.
Yeah, we're handling it all.
SPEAKER_00 (14:16):
And I think that's the case for most people.
Like, so much of this is thein's going on inside.
There's inner turmoil and innerlike hyper management of
everything.
So when was like so one, Erinlike dove into this, like like
she just jumped into the deepend, like you you wholeheartedly
(14:36):
jumped into this, even thoughyou weren't seeking it.
Um, and she just you startedwriting so much, like from the
beginning.
So we we write in an onlineplatform in between, and Erin
and I can connect over herjournals and her writings and
her worksheets, and you wrote alot.
Like, do you remember like yourfirst glimmer of like something
(15:01):
like you saw something foryourself?
SPEAKER_01 (15:05):
Um I think it was, I mean, the guided questions in
the online journal are reallysimple, but if you let it and
you you really advise to taketime with it.
And if you do that, um they canthey can really help you um kind
(15:27):
of pull things out that youdidn't know were there.
But I feel like the glimmerwhere I started to notice, like,
oh, there's there's more herethat that uh I wasn't aware of
um is your feedback, like yourquestioning, like you seeing my
writing and noticing somethingthat I couldn't see, um wasn't
(15:51):
aware of.
Um and that process ofreflecting back and then
answering the questions and umthere's just a lot of like
revealing, like you just don'tknow what you don't know.
And um, I had never heard of asurvival model.
Um and I just I really wanted tobelieve that I could change some
(16:18):
of the things in my life thathad been happening my whole life
and that I was a part of, right?
It wasn't things happening tome, it was things that have I I
I call them habits, but it'sjust you know, things that I've
struggled with my entire life,regardless of the circumstances,
the resources, or whatever.
(16:38):
Um, you know, I really wanted tobelieve that those could be
different.
Um and noticing in the journalsthat something new was coming
out, and um and that you youtalk about micro movements and
you were leading me to littlethings, so it was like also very
(17:00):
doable.
I wasn't adding to my like to-dolist per se, or like another
because something I always wantto do is fix.
And so it wasn't leading me tofix, it was actually leading me
to just recognize and like lookat it maybe differently, but not
(17:23):
fix anything, which was a maybemore than a glimmer, but like it
was like, oh, I can do that.
I can I can look at somethingwith a different lens, or I can
I can notice the same thing froma different perspective, and you
help it's just not somethingthat I was gonna be able to do
(17:45):
on my own.
Um because I could lean on yourperspective until I could kind
of look at all the pieces andgather up my own.
Um so definitely the journalreflection and kind of
committing to that practice andcommitting to um answering your
(18:07):
questions.
Um that that was that was thehuge, that was the shift.
SPEAKER_00 (18:15):
There was such a journey that went on for you
inside of like finding thingsthat would like then free you
up.
So is there one like tangiblepiece of your survival model
that you could share that waslike a belief that you had held
that we like shined light on andkind of broke open that then
started to help you change yourdance?
(18:38):
Like, is there is there onestory or belief that was um that
you could share that would makeit more tangible for someone
listening?
Um like one of your core, youknow, like at the bottom of your
model.
So And only if you'recomfortable.
SPEAKER_01 (19:00):
Oh yeah.
I I just uh I I guess my my mainsurvival model is that I believe
I'm a burden, that I'm notimportant and I don't deserve
attention.
Um and we kind of explored theunanswerable question, and mine
mine is, am I doing this right?
(19:20):
So those things unbeknownst tomyself were kind of leading
everything that I I was doing.
So then when I encountered um,you know, something stressful or
or urgent or difficult, um, youknow, s other people around me
are, you know, having a problemor struggling, you know, I I
(19:42):
want to I want to fix thatbecause I don't want, I I can't
bring my anything of me to thetable because I don't want to
burden them and I'm notimportant enough and I don't
deserve their attention.
So I'm, you know, constantlytrying to fix or address or
adjust, um, which I don't knowhow to do that right away
because I have to like quietmyself.
So I get quiet in person.
(20:05):
And then I hide, okay, hide,hide what you're thinking,
Aaron, hide what you need,because we need to get out there
and and fix what's fix what'sgoing on so that eventually I
could get back, address myselfand find some peace.
Um, but I didn't want to do thatin any way that would burden
somebody else.
So it was this constant, like,you know, struggle to, you know,
(20:28):
quiet myself, address everyoneelse, you know, kind of put
myself on hold until I found thetime to take care of myself.
Well, the fact is that I'm nevergonna find the time to take care
of myself.
SPEAKER_00 (20:38):
Um, but if it's hopeful, like you think you're
going to, right?
Like it's kind of a hopefulillusion that we all follow.
SPEAKER_01 (20:46):
Right.
And I'm doing good, right?
I'm addressing and servingothers, but but it was all kind
of like under the wrong likeumbrella, um, because people
didn't always need me to fixthem.
And then I would be trying sohard to meet, and then I would
get a little resentful, and thenI would seek, you know, relief.
(21:07):
Maybe that relief was um, youknow, spending too much money or
taking too much time awaybecause I would need to kind of
rest and recover myself, andthen that I'm really letting
somebody down when they need me.
And it was just this really likevicious cycle that was all
happening so quickly.
(21:28):
It happened so fast and it wasso automatic.
I didn't, I didn't reallyperceive it until you know, you
would be like, well, what'sbehind that reaction?
Like, why are you doing that?
Is there a story that'sinforming that?
And, you know, I I I grew up, Iguess this is, you know, part of
the story.
I just grew up in a single umparent household.
(21:50):
And, you know, there's a lotgoing on in a single parent
household that, you know, kidshave to take on.
And none of that's bad, but youdon't want to add to any of the
burden.
And so um, I just didn't want toever be a burden.
So to survive and keep peace andand do well, and I I I learned
(22:12):
that, you know, I don't want tobe a burden.
Um, and if I drew attention umor, you know, you know, created
something that was importantthat reinforced this.
Well, now you're burdening.
Somebody else needs to dosomething for you, um, which is
probably because I found otherpeople's stuff burdening, right?
Because I didn't know how to, Ijust didn't know how to process
(22:33):
that.
So I just that becomes somethingI tell myself and it just
becomes automatic and you justcarry it into your life.
And then I was it just itbecomes a part of the narrative
in the back.
It's subconscious, you don'teven know it's happening.
And so um I didn't I didn't knowthat I was functioning as like
(22:55):
to just literally never be aburden to anybody.
Yes.
SPEAKER_00 (23:00):
And this is what it is.
Like you can just hear ineverything she just shared, like
there's free, you know, there'sa some something that happens
when we're so young.
It could be just the way we wereborn into the world.
Like for me, some of it is justthe dynamics of my family that
caused me to feel separate anddifferent and like a bother
nuisance.
I have that same thread that youdo.
(23:20):
And then that story in ourlittle young mind, we decide,
you know, what's true about usthat we're a bother or a
nuisance just because of ourenvironment.
And then we, without realizingit, we've uh a way to survive
that gets constructed and it ismade up of like all these
behaviors, like Erin is talkingabout, that we we do to survive.
(23:42):
Some of those are kind ofdebilitating for us and just
keep producing unfulfillingresults.
And then there's also strengthsthat come out of our pain of
that story, right?
Like, what were some of yourstrengths that you discovered in
that too?
Like that that you did things tokind of overcome that, but those
(24:02):
end up being your strengths.
SPEAKER_01 (24:05):
Um, I think some of the strengths that came out of
like in my family, I really knewwhen somebody needed something.
Like I could, I could see, youknow, maybe where they were
struggling, or, you know, youknow what, if I do this, it will
really serve them.
Like I have I have a keenawareness and like knowing what
(24:27):
somebody needs to hear, or whenthey maybe need space, or how I
can help them connect the dotsto who they truly are, not just
the circumstance or the urgencyor the situation.
Um all of like my like maybe myweaknesses or my survival model
things do actually point to astrength that I have.
And those do come out in my inmy business and in my work.
(24:51):
Um but doing those things likewith my survival model, like
fueling them, that's like whatmakes it really exhausting
instead of I can just be inthese these gifts.
Um, you talk about the balconyor the basement of of your
(25:14):
gifts, and a lot of strivinghappens when you have a gift and
you're living in the basement ofit, but you know it's like
there, you you're aware of it,you know that you have this
ability or this gift, but you'rein the basement of it because
your survival model is at play.
And so you're striving to do itbetter, you're striving to do it
(25:37):
better instead of just allowingit, your gift or your natural
things to come, your survivalmodel like stymies it.
So if you can recognize yoursurvival model and kind of it's
never gonna go away, but you canrecognize it, lower its power,
and then like that's where theease comes.
(25:58):
So it's not like an ease thatyou're trying to place on top of
it or just more recognize yourgifts more.
Yes.
I don't know, the the awarenessof knowing my survival model is
I then I recognize when it's atplay.
And I can go, oh okay, oh, I seeI see what I'm doing.
(26:19):
And I can go, oh, I have a I'veI've kind of rewritten this
already.
And I I can write my ship again.
And the more you practice it,what I'm finding is I don't know
what we're at now.
Like it's it's been severalweeks since we finished like our
12-week program.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (26:39):
Month or something.
It's been I think it's even beenlonger than that.
SPEAKER_01 (26:42):
Yeah.
Okay.
And so I like now, so we stay intouch, and so now I'm in that
like practice place and thatintegrating, and you get better
at it.
Like you, you're instead of yourauto being your survival model,
your your new thing, like yournew way, your new auto is like
(27:02):
comes into play quicker.
Um, and before we got on, wewere just talking about um a
situation where it my autoresponse was like where I wanted
it to be, and I didn't have tothink about it.
It's it just and you know, mywhole day wasn't derailed, and
(27:25):
and the relationships involvedweren't derailed.
SPEAKER_00 (27:29):
I was, it was just well, and it made a space for an
apology, and like it didn'timpact your relationship with
your husband.
Like there were so many dynamicsthere that like got freed up
because you changed the dancejust slightly.
And Erin, I feel like you didthat all through our journey
(27:50):
together.
Like you, and that's one of themost important pieces is like
you start to see your survivalmodel and you shine a light on
it and you see it.
And then, like she's saying, youyou know start to notice it in
action, and then you can just dosomething slightly different to
change the course of thatoutcome, that conversation, that
(28:13):
whatever.
And you integrated, girl.
Like you really, really, likeafter every call, you would go
into your life and get on thecord of your life and play.
And that's what it takes.
Like, that's really what ittakes.
Um, is practice.
And I'm still practicing too.
(28:36):
Like, I don't think this ever,like you said, the survival
model doesn't go away.
We just get to set it down overand over and over again to
actually create and live thelife that we're designed to live
because we can't do that insideof that model.
It robs us of our joy, ourpeace, our everything.
(28:58):
Is there one story that standsout from our time together that
you could tell where you changedthe dance and had a different
outcome?
SPEAKER_01 (29:10):
Um there's a there's a lot of them bubbling up for
me, but I'll maybe share onethat um can I can be more
concise with.
Yeah.
Um it's and it's with my mom.
Um there were a lot of timesthere, you know, there are a lot
(29:32):
of times where um you know we'retogether or we're doing
something, and I can get reallyfrustrated with um her her style
or you know, the way she'ssaying something to me.
And none of it's wrong, none ofit's bad.
But you know, a lot of what Iwas carrying into those moments
(29:54):
were um very, very old.
Um you know, styles ofinteracting with one another.
Um you know, lots of to-dos,lots of hurry, um, lots of
pressure, lots of filling in, umjust just kind of junk from you
(30:18):
know childhood ways of ofinteracting where I had to be um
very independent because I wasin a single household and she
worked all the time.
And uh I was able to shift thedance just ever so slightly.
And it wasn't calling her to doanything different.
(30:38):
It was doing something differentin myself.
And I remember the first timethis happened, we were standing
outside of the car.
She was coming by and she wasdropping something off and
everything she was doing was sokind and so generous.
And I was irritated andfrustrated because she wanted
like a little bit more time thanI thought I had.
(30:59):
And it was silly because I hadplenty of time to go out to the
car and get the thing that shewas dropping off.
And I just like I just stoppedand I laid down what kind of
what I was always holding and itI just was like I'm just gonna
be right here right now and I'mjust gonna listen to her and she
(31:22):
actually the I shifted by nothaving any urgency or
expectation about what sheshould be doing and she slowed
down she just slowed down andand she just shared what she
wanted to share and I couldthank her and I could give her a
big hug and it was just like asweet moment instead of a and I
(31:47):
know there's not a lot ofdetails that I'm sharing but the
that slight shift you know mymother's much older now and it
was like a precious moment in insomething so simple.
And and that that shift hascreated like a ripple effect and
when and it's not me wanting herto do anything different.
(32:10):
It actually has nothing to dowith her it has everything to do
with me and it has everything todo with me going none of that
childhood stuff or relationshipstuff exists now.
We are well resourced we haveplenty of time we're not running
from something we're nothurrying towards something like
(32:33):
none of that exists right now.
And and through the course ofworking with you I could like
name that that's what washappening all the time every
time I was with her and it I Ican confidently tell myself that
doesn't exist anymore.
And here I am enjoying hercompany and I'm moving slower
(32:54):
with her and I'm actuallygetting more of her and less of
her like opinion or judgment ordirection or here's what she
thinks she I should be doingbecause she's trying to like
connect with me you know and I'mjust like you know kind of like
hurrying through the situationbecause I don't want the input
and so wow I've just kind ofbeen more calm and just
(33:20):
listening she has been more calmand we're like connecting right
now.
And it's it's not been abouther.
Like you and I are never goingto change our circumstances or
we're not gonna change thepeople around us or how they act
or what they do.
But we can take we can takedifferent mini steps micro
(33:44):
movements as you call them toadjust our own perspective and
even just the slightest movementcan really shift what someone
else does and we're notresponsible for their shift
because we still hold on to thedifferent thing we did and we
are different because of it.
And I think that's that's beenthe most remarkable thing um
(34:09):
working through your program forme is that my energy is greater
and nothing has changed.
Like nothing in my life haschanged in fact like you know
I'm doing more in my life I havesome things got harder.
SPEAKER_00 (34:25):
Some things have gotten harder I have more
responsibility outside of youknow my business but my energy
and capacity is greater and andthat that is the remarkable
thing um I don't know if thething is like the right right
thing right to call it I don'tknow but I it's an shifts that
(34:51):
has created that yeah it pointsto that we we look to our
circumstances to make us feelbetter and we work so hard to
try to change all these thingsout here so that we can feel
better when actually what you'redescribing is that you're taking
care of the way that you feelinside you're using your innate
(35:14):
abilities to kind of changethings a little bit here.
And when you do that otherpeople surprise you you make
space like for love with yourmom.
My husband and I were justtalking this morning about like
love now like love only existswhen you're present in the
(35:34):
moment.
Like we spend so much timetrying to plan our lives so that
we can have love but what you'redescribing is you're creating
love right here by setting downthat stuff.
You made space for love and weall can do that whether you have
a you know your survival modelor not you can do that by just
like Erin I feel like youmodeled that all the way through
(35:57):
coaching like where you wouldjust like pause or make space
instead of responding orreacting to your kids or your
husband or whatever it was andlike you came back to so many
calls and like they surprisedyou you know or like the outcome
surprised you and that's thebeauty in being able to set down
(36:20):
our own stuff.
And then you created space forgosh like that moment with your
mom.
SPEAKER_01 (36:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (36:31):
Okay so I know um really quick I want you to speak
to the writing because whethersomeone ever does coaching or
not I know the writing has had ahuge impact for you.
Like you keep saying it evenafter we're done like you've
continued to write and what isthat doing for you?
SPEAKER_01 (36:50):
Um writing so I have a morning writing practice I I
um I have my quiet time and Ijournal sometimes it's longer
than others but um writing thereis so much demystifying that
(37:11):
happens when you take yourthought and write it down for me
like I can't like type it um inwhich when you and I were
working together you know I wasdoing both I was handwriting and
typing oftentimes I was typingright from my journal into the
(37:31):
prompts there's something aboutthe physicality of writing um
that untangles my thoughts andreally like they lose their
power you know all of a suddenblack and your white black and
white and you're kind of likethat's silly or they feel so
scary when they're inside yeahbecause they're they're mixed up
with so many other things and umI mean sometimes my journal
(37:56):
prompt would like just be like Idon't know what to write right
now.
I I and then I would just belike well how do I actually feel
do I feel excited am I am I likefeeling burdened am I
overwhelmed like okay I'moverwhelmed.
Why am I feeling overwhelmed?
Well I my to-do list is verylong today like what what's
important on my to-do list likewhy am I allowing that and just
(38:19):
sometimes I would write prayerssome I just dumping things out
and sometimes I put my to-dolist in my journal because not
having it in my calendar for melike just it just was a
different perspective putting itin my journal and I could just
be like huh okay there's thismuch more spaciousness around it
(38:41):
like does all that have to getdone today you know is that the
most important thing um sowriting has been a way of
untangling like prioritizing andalso just being like that's
actually not even important likelike that's maybe not even truth
(39:01):
like I'm thinking that or that'sa thought but that's not even um
and I can leave it like I canleave it there um and move move
on with my day.
Um I also keep my survival modelpretty close.
SPEAKER_00 (39:18):
I remind myself what it is um because for me being
more sensitized to what it is Inotice it better when it's
coming um and that's just youknow when I start to get like
anxious inside uh I gotta I cankind of shift and say oh what's
(39:42):
happening right now okay I canthat's what's happening right
now and I can eat much moreeasily like disassociate with it
and yeah yeah I love that sookay so tie this back to your
work because I think you saidsomething about like
(40:03):
understanding kind of youridentity more has also kind of
um fallen into like the work youdo.
And so share share what that haslooked like as we kind of wrap
start to wrap up ourconversation um I think I can
(40:23):
probably summarize it in likeone word I wow confidence.
SPEAKER_01 (40:30):
And it's not like a confidence where I'm on the end
looking back going no Aaron youhave confidence like be
confident be confident it's moreconfidence that's coming from
like inside outward um and mywork is the the the way the work
(40:51):
is designed hasn't changed it'sthe way I'm showing up in it in
a in a confidence and knowingthat the giftings and the
natural and the experience andthe you know I've been doing
this stuff for so long like allof that stuff exists but I'm
showing up in it knowing thatthis is right and this is good
(41:14):
and God led me here.
I I'm not wasting time andenergy second guessing it and
comparing it to somebody else'sbrand work.
I mean there's a million brandand marketing people out there
but there's only one me doing itthe way I do it.
And I don't need everybody to bemy client.
(41:36):
I just need to serve the peoplethat I'm meant to serve.
And if I am more confident inshowing up then those people can
find me.
And so the the shift for me inmy work has just been a better
knowing and a confidence that umthat this is I I'm here and I
(41:59):
have this and that my gifts areshowing up in this way and that
that's right and that that'sgood and I don't need to waste
time second guessing it orcomparing myself to anybody
else.
SPEAKER_00 (42:09):
I can confidently show up in what God's led me to
build and um yeah that's yeahand serve people in a bigger way
because all that stuff isn't inthe way for you.
You know and our our ourgreatest pain and stuff that
shows up in that our survivalmodel you know like I've always
(42:32):
believed that like our greatestgift comes from our greatest
pain and like you can see thatinside of your work like you
described your ability to hearpeople and see people and
extract their words and like allof that I think was highlighted
(42:52):
and like you get to go shineshine that light even brighter
you know because of looking atthe wounding and the pain that
we all travel with um it was sobeautiful to watch you do that
and to see the work that you'redoing in the world um and see
(43:16):
that like that like kind of allof it come together in a um
beautiful like tapestry right ofall the things like all those
hard parts of our lives are notlike all bad it's all whoa God
why weaves it all together rightI think serve like serve bigger
(43:38):
I think that's something elsethat has come out of this work
as it as it relates to mybusiness that um you know I'm
I'm keeping going I'm doing alot of the same things but
there's a different openness towhat God has with this work and
not just within like what I'mplanning for and what my goals
(44:01):
are.
SPEAKER_01 (44:01):
There's a different openness um and and really
probably a belief um thatthere's more there was more in
this program that I walkedthrough with you I didn't I kind
of had come in with like I'm meyou know I'm me this is this is
our work um and then God showedme there was so much more and
(44:23):
I'm kind of like wow wow youknow and I think I'm seeing that
same thing in in the opennessthat I have with my work and and
you know the communities and theconnections and the networking
that that is being revealed tome um and having having
confidence in and holdingloosely and trusting and um it's
(44:48):
just it's just super cool.
It's just really exciting tohave you know keep doing what
you're doing but have this likeopenness um that there's more
because I just experienced morewith you with my own self.
SPEAKER_00 (45:02):
Yes, yes, yes.
And then you can hold more spacefor other people when you've
kind of held space for yourself.
And I think that was one of thebig pieces of our journey was
that you were making space foryourself.
And people sometimes think thatthat's like selfish but like
look at what understanding thatand wrapping your arms around
(45:26):
that and making space tounderstand what was going on
inside of you allows you to thenset that down and hold spay
bigger space and be moregenerous and give and serve and
use your gifts.
Wow okay um so if you'relistening and maybe you want to
(45:53):
know your survival model or ummaybe you're just inspired by
something that was said todaylike I just want to encourage
you to like follow that nudge umand it um there's so much
freedom outside of this oldmodel.
(46:18):
And I just want to share a quickstory.
When I first started coaching Ium I sensed that people were
trying to escape something theywere wanting to leave a marriage
or leave a job or move to a newcity or make some big change and
I started to sense that therewas something else that they
were trying to escape.
And this is how I discovered thesurvival model like all those
(46:41):
years ago and I would I asksomebody like can we just pause
how urgent are those changeslike can we just pause them for
a moment and let's look at thisand that's what we would do.
And I can't tell you how oftenpeople came in thinking they
needed to leave a marriage or ajob and really like Erin said
they didn't need to change thecircumstance at all.
(47:03):
They just needed to reexaminewhat was running them and
driving them and causing them toreact and defend and survive and
that can give you so muchfreedom.
So reach out if you would liketo explore what that would look
like for you and Erin before wego um just share how can people
(47:28):
find out more about theincredible work that you're
doing.
SPEAKER_01 (47:31):
Thank you.
Well what you said makes me wantto just say one more thing about
this your program is 12 weeks myprogram is 12 weeks you know
those those were designed farbefore we met one another and I
think sometimes people look atsomething and they're like 12
weeks like seriously like howcould I possibly find time for
(47:54):
that this world wants us to youknow achieve things quickly and
just follow the system or do thething and I just don't believe
that that sort of change happenslike real change happens quickly
and you know towards both bothof our work there's something
(48:15):
there's like an untangling and amuscle building that happens and
it only happens over time.
And um when you work with me wehave a we spend 12 weeks
together and you know I lead youjust like in your program I lead
you through kind of my ownmethodology to you know what I
call building your brand um andout of that work we decide how
(48:38):
are you going to best market orshare what it is that you're
doing with the people that needto hear from you.
So that's kind of what happensyou know we create a guide and
we create a plan for like kindof some of the standard things
but what's in those is fardifferent.
And what happens over 12 weeksis you can walk away with from
me and you have the muscles likeyou have built strength um to
(49:05):
like do your businessdifferently talk about it more
succinctly with clarity thatfeels not like clarity I gave
you but clarity like youuncovered yourself.
And so it's just seateddifferently like the work that
you're doing the work that it'sseated differently inside of you
and and it grows over time andyou do have to keep practicing
(49:28):
it.
It's kind of like you say it'sliving and doing differently and
um so I think a lot ofbusinesses have have what they
consider a brand or maybe youdon't and you feel like um I'm
doing okay but if something herehas sparked like but I know I
(49:48):
could do more I know that likethere's pieces I'm missing like
I would just encourage you tolike reach out to me.
Email me join my emailnewsletter I I put out a weekly
newsletter.
A lot of it's personal or youknow kind of stories um but it's
also it's also some brand andmarketing stuff kind of mixed in
(50:11):
there as well but it's really tome a place to get to know me so
you can see like can you learnfrom my story or any of my
situations but also like get toknow me.
So you do you ever want to workwith me?
Like get to know me I'm okaywith you you doing that before
saying yes.
But and I love I love writing umwhether it's I guess in my
(50:33):
journal or in my my newsletterbut um I also have my whole 12
week program um in a course thatyou can do yourself if you don't
want to work directly with me.
All my same stuff is breathedinto it.
It's actually the same workbooksthat we do like together in you
know my live version but um mycourse is available.
SPEAKER_00 (50:57):
So yeah those are the well and your emails are so
good and you have such anability to be yourself in your
emails that like literally belike reading your emails helps
me be more of myself in what Iwrite and um so get on her email
list and set up a call.
SPEAKER_01 (51:19):
You do a call right to kind of explore yeah we can
like talk for 15 30 minuteswhatever and we can talk about
like is this the next best movefor you um or or is it something
else?
SPEAKER_00 (51:34):
So yeah and what I've loved about working with
you is that you're not likegiving me strat like you give me
tools but you're not saying youhave to do things this way or it
has to look that way.
Like Erin is so brilliant atextracting you and then helping
you shape you into like your theway you're gonna approach
(51:57):
writing or an email or amarketing um initiative like
you're so brilliant at that soif you're looking for someone
who is really going to get youand understand you and
understand your business andthen support you Aaron is your
gal.
I mean you're so good at thatyou're so good at that.
(52:20):
So your website did you giveyour website um it's just
matchboxwomen.com okay yay okayoh my gosh Aaron thank you so
much for really for being soopen and letting people peek
inside your journey to see ifit's something for them I'm so
grateful for you friend thankyou thank you this has been
(52:41):
wonderful and working with youhas has changed my life I'm so
grateful our paths have crossedokay until next time thank you
for tuning in to this episode ofdifferently hey if you're ready
to stop circling the samethoughts and start creating real
(53:05):
momentum check out my coachingexperiences.
There's a 12 week experience fora big shift or there's a monthly
writing and coaching partnershipfor ongoing clarity, creativity,
alignment and momentum.
You can find all the details atCarlaReeves.com and if you
(53:25):
enjoyed this episode please helpme grow the podcast and leave a
five-star review on ApplePodcasts and share it with
someone you love.
Until next time stop survivingyour life start creating it
A deep change in the way that we live requires a deep
change in the way that we think.
I'm Carla Reeves, and this isdifferently.
Hello.
We're so excited that you'rehere.
SPEAKER_01 (00:16):
So excited to be here.
SPEAKER_00 (00:19):
And Erin Davis and I are having another conversation.
You can go back and check outother episodes that she's been
on one on September 12th of 24.
And that one was like burnout toreally like standing in your
true brand.
And then February 20th of 25, wedid a behind the scenes with
(00:41):
Kelly Marshall just talkingabout entrepreneurship and
friendship and things like that.
So, Erin, welcome back.
I'm so glad you're here.
SPEAKER_01 (00:50):
Thank you.
I'm so glad to be here.
Obviously, I love chatting withyou because this is our third
time.
And so it's so good.
SPEAKER_00 (00:59):
And it won't be the last.
Maybe the listener hasn't heardthe other ones.
Why don't you just give a littlesense of who you are and what
season of life you're in?
Anything you feel inspired toshare?
SPEAKER_01 (01:15):
Um, well, my name's Erin Davis.
I have been in the brand andmarketing realm um for my entire
professional career.
Um I went to college forcommunications.
Um I got my master's in it.
And it's taken me all that timeto just really realize and live
(01:37):
into this understanding andknowing that communicating is
like the gift that God has givenme.
And um that's kind of beenrefined and um honed over time
in uh my work life.
And that looks like my businessmatchbox Women Now, where I help
women attach their createddivine identity to what they're
(02:01):
doing in business.
And that typically reflects alsoin their life.
And when I talk aboutsustainability, I don't
necessarily mean it from afinancial or even a time
management standpoint.
Um I I mean it from working fromwho you truly are and then
attaching that to the work thatyou do.
That makes it sustainable, andthen all the goals or success or
(02:25):
the vision that you're kind ofworking towards or living into
that comes as a natural umexpression from working, you
know, from your true identity.
Um, I have four children.
I live on a ranch in uhCalifornia, and um I love
(02:46):
growing and learning and workingwith other women who are on kind
of that same trajectory.
Um I don't know if it's likedoing our best as much as it is,
you know, being as as closelyaligned with who we're designed
to be as possible.
And so God just kind of leads meto women who are an expression
(03:11):
of that.
And that's how you and I cametogether, like how Kelly and I
have come together, a new friendLeah I met online.
It's just like it all works, youknow.
Kind of you come, what comes toyou um is what you know comes
from what what you're lookingfor.
And um so I think thisconversation is an expression of
(03:31):
that and the work that you and Ihave done together, and just how
good it all is.
Not that it's easy, but it justfeels right.
So you keep going and you keepdoing it, and I don't know,
there's just kind of proof inwhat comes out of that, and so
(03:51):
um that's how I'm I I'm applyingall that to life and how I do
work, and it feels good.
Feels right, yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (04:02):
So the way Aaron and I connected is kind of an
interesting story um becausewell, Kelly Marshall introduced
us, I don't even know how longago that was, a couple years.
I don't time has flown.
I know it might even be I don'teven know either.
But Aaron and I like met andthen we just started these
coffee chats like once a monthor once every couple weeks.
(04:24):
I can't even remember, but wejust felt inspired to stay
connected and we would just meetand we would just talk about
whatever life and business andall the things.
And then I don't even rememberexactly how it happened, but I
think something that you hadshared like stirred something in
me, like, oh, I I want to share,like I want her to know her
(04:46):
survival model.
And I think I approached you, Idon't really remember correctly
my memory, but somehow wedecided that we were gonna share
services like trade services,and I would take her through the
coaching, the 12-week coachingprogram, and she was gonna
support me in writing emails andunderstanding my brand more and
(05:09):
understanding how to kind ofextract who I am and put it in
the emails and all the things.
I mean, we you we covered somuch on that side of things,
which we might do anotherepisode about.
Um but so Erin, we startedworking together and you started
going through my coachingprogram, and that's what we kind
(05:30):
of want to have just aconversation about so that you
can peek inside of what it lookslike um and what we walk through
together um inside of that12-week program.
And so is there anything elseyou want to add to our
connection and meeting that Imissed or um only that Carla and
(05:54):
I have never actually met inreal life.
SPEAKER_01 (05:56):
We've never actually sat across a real table.
Um, so I love like the power oftechnology and the internet for
that.
Um, and someday we will meet inreal life.
But I think the other thing isthat um I remember, you know, we
were kind of talking and therewere so many similarities.
Like we we need to do something.
(06:17):
And so I really came to yourwork with zero expectations, but
I did have a belief that, like,you know, I've read all the
books and I have been incoaching and and done all the
things for years.
I my belief was that I I waskind of I couldn't change
(06:39):
certain habits.
Like this is who I am, andreally I need to survive the
things that I can't change.
Like that's just probably kindof my story.
And I think that maybe throughthe process of me kind of
talking about that with you, youwere like, Oh, uh, I I beg to
differ.
I think if you understood yoursurvival model, you might have
(07:02):
more choices.
Um, and you might find thatthere is more that you can maybe
change those habits.
SPEAKER_00 (07:11):
Um yeah.
Well, and you just reminded me,like I did, like Erin is such a
beautiful light, like she issuch a beautiful light in the
world.
And what I sensed is like youhad this heaviness that you were
carrying around.
And usually like that heavinessis tied to our survival model
(07:35):
and like agreements we made withourselves a long time ago that
is weight and heavy and that wedon't have to carry anymore.
And I just knew like it wasgonna free you up.
And I just I I have neverentered a coaching relationship
like you and I did, because likeit's not like she was seeking
(07:58):
it, like she wasn't looking foranything.
I'm like, I've already done it.
And we just did it, like we justwe just decided to jump in and
do it.
And so I want people tounderstand like what did
survival look like for you?
Because um, and I think I alsosaw myself in you because I had
(08:22):
that heaviness, you know, at onetime, like I was doing all the
right things and and and butlike something just wasn't
clicking.
It just was I wasn't able tomake traction that I knew was
possible.
And so what did survival lookand feel like for you?
Because I think sometimes wejust get accustomed and resigned
(08:44):
to like this is just life, andwe lose hope that it can be
better.
SPEAKER_01 (08:51):
I think for me, I you what one of your like what
something that you say a lot isthat you serve high achievers.
And I didn't identify with beingsomebody who is like high
achieving.
Um but over time I've realized Iam like I get a lot done.
(09:12):
I, you know, run a successfulbusiness, I'm a mom, you know, I
help with my in-laws.
There's a lot going on.
I am actually achieving a lot.
But what I was telling myselfthat I wasn't because I was
burnt out, I was short-tempered,I was irritated.
Um, and that I could, I couldmask a lot.
(09:33):
Um, and you know, kind of theoutward success told me like,
oh, must be doing somethingright.
Like the the bad habits or thatirritation, burn out that
heaviness, it's just must bepart of life.
And um, you know, if I can justcontinue to achieve, then that's
(09:54):
telling me I'm doing enoughright.
And that maybe those thosefeelings are, yeah, they're just
part of life.
And um, I don't know, I'll I'llpray harder and I'll like do
more Bible studies and I'll getaround women who um, you know,
make me feel good and I'll havepositive talk.
And um I don't know, I'll dosome, you know, uh some rituals
(10:17):
and some self-help and somebrief deep breathing.
And that will change, you know,help me cope with the irritation
or burnout or um heavinessthat's there.
And so it was what came out inmy survival model was this like,
I'll fix it.
I'll fix it, you know, I'll I'llbecause that has worked in so
(10:39):
many other places.
Um and I just didn't know Ididn't know any other way.
And it, you know, this age andstage, I just kind of figured
like I'm you know, this is who Iam.
And it's okay because I'm stillachieving a lot.
Um, I'm still successful.
(11:00):
Um, I still have lots of momentsof good.
And um but yeah, there was Idon't know, when you work with
somebody or you sit across fromsomebody that like gets to know
you and it holds space forsomething more, like it can't
help but crack you open.
And um it just I was like, oh,maybe there's something more and
(11:25):
coming to you with noexpectations, um yeah, it was
just the right, I don't know, itwas like the right formula or
the right, the right thing.
SPEAKER_00 (11:36):
Um yeah, the timing was such a god thing.
Um I think we both felt thatlike all the way through.
So if if you haven't heard metalk about survival model
before, um it's like it's a it'ssomething that got created a
long time ago that literallyit's made up of like your
(12:01):
thinking and your beliefs andyour patterns and your actions
and the way you respond tothings.
And it literally helped you tosurvive at one time.
And most often now, like as anadult, if you feel like you keep
hitting your head against likethe same wall and the same
unfulfilling feelings, and yousort of can't get past that,
(12:23):
it's very likely that you'reoperating in survival.
And it's like uh it preventsyou.
It's like it's designed to kindof keep you right where you are,
and it's a blind spot and it'shard to see.
And so getting outside of thisis when you can really start to
uh make true change and be freeof this like heavy weight.
(12:50):
Like in mine, I was justconstantly trying to do more, be
better, work harder, like takecare of other people more,
please more.
And I'd have fleeting moments offeeling better, but then I would
just fall back down to those oldbeliefs I had about myself, and
then it would cause me to justpick up and work harder, do
more, and I was exhausted.
(13:10):
Um, and so would any of anyonehave known on the outside, Erin,
like in your life, in yourcircle, that like any of this
was really going on for you?
SPEAKER_01 (13:26):
Uh no, probably not.
I mean, maybe my kids and myhusband would, you know, see
overwhelm, um, or like, youknow, mom needs to like have
some time, or not that that'snot okay, but um I mean, all the
all the boxes were checked.
Um, I was doing all the things.
(13:47):
Um but there was especially athome, you it it wouldn't take
much to scratch the surface, butum because yeah, oh mom's mom's
overwhelmed.
That's like that word, mom'soverwhelmed, mom's overwhelmed.
Um, you certainly wouldn't seeit outside of my home, though.
(14:07):
Yeah.
All all signs pointed to um notoverwhelmed, like just yeah,
like we're handling it all.
Yeah, we're handling it all.
SPEAKER_00 (14:16):
And I think that's the case for most people.
Like, so much of this is thein's going on inside.
There's inner turmoil and innerlike hyper management of
everything.
So when was like so one, Erinlike dove into this, like like
she just jumped into the deepend, like you you wholeheartedly
(14:36):
jumped into this, even thoughyou weren't seeking it.
Um, and she just you startedwriting so much, like from the
beginning.
So we we write in an onlineplatform in between, and Erin
and I can connect over herjournals and her writings and
her worksheets, and you wrote alot.
Like, do you remember like yourfirst glimmer of like something
(15:01):
like you saw something foryourself?
SPEAKER_01 (15:05):
Um I think it was, I mean, the guided questions in
the online journal are reallysimple, but if you let it and
you you really advise to taketime with it.
And if you do that, um they canthey can really help you um kind
(15:27):
of pull things out that youdidn't know were there.
But I feel like the glimmerwhere I started to notice, like,
oh, there's there's more herethat that uh I wasn't aware of
um is your feedback, like yourquestioning, like you seeing my
writing and noticing somethingthat I couldn't see, um wasn't
(15:51):
aware of.
Um and that process ofreflecting back and then
answering the questions and umthere's just a lot of like
revealing, like you just don'tknow what you don't know.
And um, I had never heard of asurvival model.
Um and I just I really wanted tobelieve that I could change some
(16:18):
of the things in my life thathad been happening my whole life
and that I was a part of, right?
It wasn't things happening tome, it was things that have I I
I call them habits, but it'sjust you know, things that I've
struggled with my entire life,regardless of the circumstances,
the resources, or whatever.
(16:38):
Um, you know, I really wanted tobelieve that those could be
different.
Um and noticing in the journalsthat something new was coming
out, and um and that you youtalk about micro movements and
you were leading me to littlethings, so it was like also very
(17:00):
doable.
I wasn't adding to my like to-dolist per se, or like another
because something I always wantto do is fix.
And so it wasn't leading me tofix, it was actually leading me
to just recognize and like lookat it maybe differently, but not
(17:23):
fix anything, which was a maybemore than a glimmer, but like it
was like, oh, I can do that.
I can I can look at somethingwith a different lens, or I can
I can notice the same thing froma different perspective, and you
help it's just not somethingthat I was gonna be able to do
(17:45):
on my own.
Um because I could lean on yourperspective until I could kind
of look at all the pieces andgather up my own.
Um so definitely the journalreflection and kind of
committing to that practice andcommitting to um answering your
(18:07):
questions.
Um that that was that was thehuge, that was the shift.
SPEAKER_00 (18:15):
There was such a journey that went on for you
inside of like finding thingsthat would like then free you
up.
So is there one like tangiblepiece of your survival model
that you could share that waslike a belief that you had held
that we like shined light on andkind of broke open that then
started to help you change yourdance?
(18:38):
Like, is there is there onestory or belief that was um that
you could share that would makeit more tangible for someone
listening?
Um like one of your core, youknow, like at the bottom of your
model.
So And only if you'recomfortable.
SPEAKER_01 (19:00):
Oh yeah.
I I just uh I I guess my my mainsurvival model is that I believe
I'm a burden, that I'm notimportant and I don't deserve
attention.
Um and we kind of explored theunanswerable question, and mine
mine is, am I doing this right?
(19:20):
So those things unbeknownst tomyself were kind of leading
everything that I I was doing.
So then when I encountered um,you know, something stressful or
or urgent or difficult, um, youknow, s other people around me
are, you know, having a problemor struggling, you know, I I
(19:42):
want to I want to fix thatbecause I don't want, I I can't
bring my anything of me to thetable because I don't want to
burden them and I'm notimportant enough and I don't
deserve their attention.
So I'm, you know, constantlytrying to fix or address or
adjust, um, which I don't knowhow to do that right away
because I have to like quietmyself.
So I get quiet in person.
(20:05):
And then I hide, okay, hide,hide what you're thinking,
Aaron, hide what you need,because we need to get out there
and and fix what's fix what'sgoing on so that eventually I
could get back, address myselfand find some peace.
Um, but I didn't want to do thatin any way that would burden
somebody else.
So it was this constant, like,you know, struggle to, you know,
(20:28):
quiet myself, address everyoneelse, you know, kind of put
myself on hold until I found thetime to take care of myself.
Well, the fact is that I'm nevergonna find the time to take care
of myself.
SPEAKER_00 (20:38):
Um, but if it's hopeful, like you think you're
going to, right?
Like it's kind of a hopefulillusion that we all follow.
SPEAKER_01 (20:46):
Right.
And I'm doing good, right?
I'm addressing and servingothers, but but it was all kind
of like under the wrong likeumbrella, um, because people
didn't always need me to fixthem.
And then I would be trying sohard to meet, and then I would
get a little resentful, and thenI would seek, you know, relief.
(21:07):
Maybe that relief was um, youknow, spending too much money or
taking too much time awaybecause I would need to kind of
rest and recover myself, andthen that I'm really letting
somebody down when they need me.
And it was just this really likevicious cycle that was all
happening so quickly.
(21:28):
It happened so fast and it wasso automatic.
I didn't, I didn't reallyperceive it until you know, you
would be like, well, what'sbehind that reaction?
Like, why are you doing that?
Is there a story that'sinforming that?
And, you know, I I I grew up, Iguess this is, you know, part of
the story.
I just grew up in a single umparent household.
(21:50):
And, you know, there's a lotgoing on in a single parent
household that, you know, kidshave to take on.
And none of that's bad, but youdon't want to add to any of the
burden.
And so um, I just didn't want toever be a burden.
So to survive and keep peace andand do well, and I I I learned
(22:12):
that, you know, I don't want tobe a burden.
Um, and if I drew attention umor, you know, you know, created
something that was importantthat reinforced this.
Well, now you're burdening.
Somebody else needs to dosomething for you, um, which is
probably because I found otherpeople's stuff burdening, right?
Because I didn't know how to, Ijust didn't know how to process
(22:33):
that.
So I just that becomes somethingI tell myself and it just
becomes automatic and you justcarry it into your life.
And then I was it just itbecomes a part of the narrative
in the back.
It's subconscious, you don'teven know it's happening.
And so um I didn't I didn't knowthat I was functioning as like
(22:55):
to just literally never be aburden to anybody.
Yes.
SPEAKER_00 (23:00):
And this is what it is.
Like you can just hear ineverything she just shared, like
there's free, you know, there'sa some something that happens
when we're so young.
It could be just the way we wereborn into the world.
Like for me, some of it is justthe dynamics of my family that
caused me to feel separate anddifferent and like a bother
nuisance.
I have that same thread that youdo.
(23:20):
And then that story in ourlittle young mind, we decide,
you know, what's true about usthat we're a bother or a
nuisance just because of ourenvironment.
And then we, without realizingit, we've uh a way to survive
that gets constructed and it ismade up of like all these
behaviors, like Erin is talkingabout, that we we do to survive.
(23:42):
Some of those are kind ofdebilitating for us and just
keep producing unfulfillingresults.
And then there's also strengthsthat come out of our pain of
that story, right?
Like, what were some of yourstrengths that you discovered in
that too?
Like that that you did things tokind of overcome that, but those
(24:02):
end up being your strengths.
SPEAKER_01 (24:05):
Um, I think some of the strengths that came out of
like in my family, I really knewwhen somebody needed something.
Like I could, I could see, youknow, maybe where they were
struggling, or, you know, youknow what, if I do this, it will
really serve them.
Like I have I have a keenawareness and like knowing what
(24:27):
somebody needs to hear, or whenthey maybe need space, or how I
can help them connect the dotsto who they truly are, not just
the circumstance or the urgencyor the situation.
Um all of like my like maybe myweaknesses or my survival model
things do actually point to astrength that I have.
And those do come out in my inmy business and in my work.
(24:51):
Um but doing those things likewith my survival model, like
fueling them, that's like whatmakes it really exhausting
instead of I can just be inthese these gifts.
Um, you talk about the balconyor the basement of of your
(25:14):
gifts, and a lot of strivinghappens when you have a gift and
you're living in the basement ofit, but you know it's like
there, you you're aware of it,you know that you have this
ability or this gift, but you'rein the basement of it because
your survival model is at play.
And so you're striving to do itbetter, you're striving to do it
(25:37):
better instead of just allowingit, your gift or your natural
things to come, your survivalmodel like stymies it.
So if you can recognize yoursurvival model and kind of it's
never gonna go away, but you canrecognize it, lower its power,
and then like that's where theease comes.
(25:58):
So it's not like an ease thatyou're trying to place on top of
it or just more recognize yourgifts more.
Yes.
I don't know, the the awarenessof knowing my survival model is
I then I recognize when it's atplay.
And I can go, oh okay, oh, I seeI see what I'm doing.
(26:19):
And I can go, oh, I have a I'veI've kind of rewritten this
already.
And I I can write my ship again.
And the more you practice it,what I'm finding is I don't know
what we're at now.
Like it's it's been severalweeks since we finished like our
12-week program.
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (26:39):
Month or something.
It's been I think it's even beenlonger than that.
SPEAKER_01 (26:42):
Yeah.
Okay.
And so I like now, so we stay intouch, and so now I'm in that
like practice place and thatintegrating, and you get better
at it.
Like you, you're instead of yourauto being your survival model,
your your new thing, like yournew way, your new auto is like
(27:02):
comes into play quicker.
Um, and before we got on, wewere just talking about um a
situation where it my autoresponse was like where I wanted
it to be, and I didn't have tothink about it.
It's it just and you know, mywhole day wasn't derailed, and
(27:25):
and the relationships involvedweren't derailed.
SPEAKER_00 (27:29):
I was, it was just well, and it made a space for an
apology, and like it didn'timpact your relationship with
your husband.
Like there were so many dynamicsthere that like got freed up
because you changed the dancejust slightly.
And Erin, I feel like you didthat all through our journey
(27:50):
together.
Like you, and that's one of themost important pieces is like
you start to see your survivalmodel and you shine a light on
it and you see it.
And then, like she's saying, youyou know start to notice it in
action, and then you can just dosomething slightly different to
change the course of thatoutcome, that conversation, that
(28:13):
whatever.
And you integrated, girl.
Like you really, really, likeafter every call, you would go
into your life and get on thecord of your life and play.
And that's what it takes.
Like, that's really what ittakes.
Um, is practice.
And I'm still practicing too.
(28:36):
Like, I don't think this ever,like you said, the survival
model doesn't go away.
We just get to set it down overand over and over again to
actually create and live thelife that we're designed to live
because we can't do that insideof that model.
It robs us of our joy, ourpeace, our everything.
(28:58):
Is there one story that standsout from our time together that
you could tell where you changedthe dance and had a different
outcome?
SPEAKER_01 (29:10):
Um there's a there's a lot of them bubbling up for
me, but I'll maybe share onethat um can I can be more
concise with.
Yeah.
Um it's and it's with my mom.
Um there were a lot of timesthere, you know, there are a lot
(29:32):
of times where um you know we'retogether or we're doing
something, and I can get reallyfrustrated with um her her style
or you know, the way she'ssaying something to me.
And none of it's wrong, none ofit's bad.
But you know, a lot of what Iwas carrying into those moments
(29:54):
were um very, very old.
Um you know, styles ofinteracting with one another.
Um you know, lots of to-dos,lots of hurry, um, lots of
pressure, lots of filling in, umjust just kind of junk from you
(30:18):
know childhood ways of ofinteracting where I had to be um
very independent because I wasin a single household and she
worked all the time.
And uh I was able to shift thedance just ever so slightly.
And it wasn't calling her to doanything different.
(30:38):
It was doing something differentin myself.
And I remember the first timethis happened, we were standing
outside of the car.
She was coming by and she wasdropping something off and
everything she was doing was sokind and so generous.
And I was irritated andfrustrated because she wanted
like a little bit more time thanI thought I had.
(30:59):
And it was silly because I hadplenty of time to go out to the
car and get the thing that shewas dropping off.
And I just like I just stoppedand I laid down what kind of
what I was always holding and itI just was like I'm just gonna
be right here right now and I'mjust gonna listen to her and she
(31:22):
actually the I shifted by nothaving any urgency or
expectation about what sheshould be doing and she slowed
down she just slowed down andand she just shared what she
wanted to share and I couldthank her and I could give her a
big hug and it was just like asweet moment instead of a and I
(31:47):
know there's not a lot ofdetails that I'm sharing but the
that slight shift you know mymother's much older now and it
was like a precious moment in insomething so simple.
And and that that shift hascreated like a ripple effect and
when and it's not me wanting herto do anything different.
(32:10):
It actually has nothing to dowith her it has everything to do
with me and it has everything todo with me going none of that
childhood stuff or relationshipstuff exists now.
We are well resourced we haveplenty of time we're not running
from something we're nothurrying towards something like
(32:33):
none of that exists right now.
And and through the course ofworking with you I could like
name that that's what washappening all the time every
time I was with her and it I Ican confidently tell myself that
doesn't exist anymore.
And here I am enjoying hercompany and I'm moving slower
(32:54):
with her and I'm actuallygetting more of her and less of
her like opinion or judgment ordirection or here's what she
thinks she I should be doingbecause she's trying to like
connect with me you know and I'mjust like you know kind of like
hurrying through the situationbecause I don't want the input
and so wow I've just kind ofbeen more calm and just
(33:20):
listening she has been more calmand we're like connecting right
now.
And it's it's not been abouther.
Like you and I are never goingto change our circumstances or
we're not gonna change thepeople around us or how they act
or what they do.
But we can take we can takedifferent mini steps micro
(33:44):
movements as you call them toadjust our own perspective and
even just the slightest movementcan really shift what someone
else does and we're notresponsible for their shift
because we still hold on to thedifferent thing we did and we
are different because of it.
And I think that's that's beenthe most remarkable thing um
(34:09):
working through your program forme is that my energy is greater
and nothing has changed.
Like nothing in my life haschanged in fact like you know
I'm doing more in my life I havesome things got harder.
SPEAKER_00 (34:25):
Some things have gotten harder I have more
responsibility outside of youknow my business but my energy
and capacity is greater and andthat that is the remarkable
thing um I don't know if thething is like the right right
thing right to call it I don'tknow but I it's an shifts that
(34:51):
has created that yeah it pointsto that we we look to our
circumstances to make us feelbetter and we work so hard to
try to change all these thingsout here so that we can feel
better when actually what you'redescribing is that you're taking
care of the way that you feelinside you're using your innate
(35:14):
abilities to kind of changethings a little bit here.
And when you do that otherpeople surprise you you make
space like for love with yourmom.
My husband and I were justtalking this morning about like
love now like love only existswhen you're present in the
(35:34):
moment.
Like we spend so much timetrying to plan our lives so that
we can have love but what you'redescribing is you're creating
love right here by setting downthat stuff.
You made space for love and weall can do that whether you have
a you know your survival modelor not you can do that by just
like Erin I feel like youmodeled that all the way through
(35:57):
coaching like where you wouldjust like pause or make space
instead of responding orreacting to your kids or your
husband or whatever it was andlike you came back to so many
calls and like they surprisedyou you know or like the outcome
surprised you and that's thebeauty in being able to set down
(36:20):
our own stuff.
And then you created space forgosh like that moment with your
mom.
SPEAKER_01 (36:30):
Yeah.
SPEAKER_00 (36:31):
Okay so I know um really quick I want you to speak
to the writing because whethersomeone ever does coaching or
not I know the writing has had ahuge impact for you.
Like you keep saying it evenafter we're done like you've
continued to write and what isthat doing for you?
SPEAKER_01 (36:50):
Um writing so I have a morning writing practice I I
um I have my quiet time and Ijournal sometimes it's longer
than others but um writing thereis so much demystifying that
(37:11):
happens when you take yourthought and write it down for me
like I can't like type it um inwhich when you and I were
working together you know I wasdoing both I was handwriting and
typing oftentimes I was typingright from my journal into the
(37:31):
prompts there's something aboutthe physicality of writing um
that untangles my thoughts andreally like they lose their
power you know all of a suddenblack and your white black and
white and you're kind of likethat's silly or they feel so
scary when they're inside yeahbecause they're they're mixed up
with so many other things and umI mean sometimes my journal
(37:56):
prompt would like just be like Idon't know what to write right
now.
I I and then I would just belike well how do I actually feel
do I feel excited am I am I likefeeling burdened am I
overwhelmed like okay I'moverwhelmed.
Why am I feeling overwhelmed?
Well I my to-do list is verylong today like what what's
important on my to-do list likewhy am I allowing that and just
(38:19):
sometimes I would write prayerssome I just dumping things out
and sometimes I put my to-dolist in my journal because not
having it in my calendar for melike just it just was a
different perspective putting itin my journal and I could just
be like huh okay there's thismuch more spaciousness around it
(38:41):
like does all that have to getdone today you know is that the
most important thing um sowriting has been a way of
untangling like prioritizing andalso just being like that's
actually not even important likelike that's maybe not even truth
(39:01):
like I'm thinking that or that'sa thought but that's not even um
and I can leave it like I canleave it there um and move move
on with my day.
Um I also keep my survival modelpretty close.
SPEAKER_00 (39:18):
I remind myself what it is um because for me being
more sensitized to what it is Inotice it better when it's
coming um and that's just youknow when I start to get like
anxious inside uh I gotta I cankind of shift and say oh what's
(39:42):
happening right now okay I canthat's what's happening right
now and I can eat much moreeasily like disassociate with it
and yeah yeah I love that sookay so tie this back to your
work because I think you saidsomething about like
(40:03):
understanding kind of youridentity more has also kind of
um fallen into like the work youdo.
And so share share what that haslooked like as we kind of wrap
start to wrap up ourconversation um I think I can
(40:23):
probably summarize it in likeone word I wow confidence.
SPEAKER_01 (40:30):
And it's not like a confidence where I'm on the end
looking back going no Aaron youhave confidence like be
confident be confident it's moreconfidence that's coming from
like inside outward um and mywork is the the the way the work
(40:51):
is designed hasn't changed it'sthe way I'm showing up in it in
a in a confidence and knowingthat the giftings and the
natural and the experience andthe you know I've been doing
this stuff for so long like allof that stuff exists but I'm
showing up in it knowing thatthis is right and this is good
(41:14):
and God led me here.
I I'm not wasting time andenergy second guessing it and
comparing it to somebody else'sbrand work.
I mean there's a million brandand marketing people out there
but there's only one me doing itthe way I do it.
And I don't need everybody to bemy client.
(41:36):
I just need to serve the peoplethat I'm meant to serve.
And if I am more confident inshowing up then those people can
find me.
And so the the shift for me inmy work has just been a better
knowing and a confidence that umthat this is I I'm here and I
(41:59):
have this and that my gifts areshowing up in this way and that
that's right and that that'sgood and I don't need to waste
time second guessing it orcomparing myself to anybody
else.
SPEAKER_00 (42:09):
I can confidently show up in what God's led me to
build and um yeah that's yeahand serve people in a bigger way
because all that stuff isn't inthe way for you.
You know and our our ourgreatest pain and stuff that
shows up in that our survivalmodel you know like I've always
(42:32):
believed that like our greatestgift comes from our greatest
pain and like you can see thatinside of your work like you
described your ability to hearpeople and see people and
extract their words and like allof that I think was highlighted
(42:52):
and like you get to go shineshine that light even brighter
you know because of looking atthe wounding and the pain that
we all travel with um it was sobeautiful to watch you do that
and to see the work that you'redoing in the world um and see
(43:16):
that like that like kind of allof it come together in a um
beautiful like tapestry right ofall the things like all those
hard parts of our lives are notlike all bad it's all whoa God
why weaves it all together rightI think serve like serve bigger
(43:38):
I think that's something elsethat has come out of this work
as it as it relates to mybusiness that um you know I'm
I'm keeping going I'm doing alot of the same things but
there's a different openness towhat God has with this work and
not just within like what I'mplanning for and what my goals
(44:01):
are.
SPEAKER_01 (44:01):
There's a different openness um and and really
probably a belief um thatthere's more there was more in
this program that I walkedthrough with you I didn't I kind
of had come in with like I'm meyou know I'm me this is this is
our work um and then God showedme there was so much more and
(44:23):
I'm kind of like wow wow youknow and I think I'm seeing that
same thing in in the opennessthat I have with my work and and
you know the communities and theconnections and the networking
that that is being revealed tome um and having having
confidence in and holdingloosely and trusting and um it's
(44:48):
just it's just super cool.
It's just really exciting tohave you know keep doing what
you're doing but have this likeopenness um that there's more
because I just experienced morewith you with my own self.
SPEAKER_00 (45:02):
Yes, yes, yes.
And then you can hold more spacefor other people when you've
kind of held space for yourself.
And I think that was one of thebig pieces of our journey was
that you were making space foryourself.
And people sometimes think thatthat's like selfish but like
look at what understanding thatand wrapping your arms around
(45:26):
that and making space tounderstand what was going on
inside of you allows you to thenset that down and hold spay
bigger space and be moregenerous and give and serve and
use your gifts.
Wow okay um so if you'relistening and maybe you want to
(45:53):
know your survival model or ummaybe you're just inspired by
something that was said todaylike I just want to encourage
you to like follow that nudge umand it um there's so much
freedom outside of this oldmodel.
(46:18):
And I just want to share a quickstory.
When I first started coaching Ium I sensed that people were
trying to escape something theywere wanting to leave a marriage
or leave a job or move to a newcity or make some big change and
I started to sense that therewas something else that they
were trying to escape.
And this is how I discovered thesurvival model like all those
(46:41):
years ago and I would I asksomebody like can we just pause
how urgent are those changeslike can we just pause them for
a moment and let's look at thisand that's what we would do.
And I can't tell you how oftenpeople came in thinking they
needed to leave a marriage or ajob and really like Erin said
they didn't need to change thecircumstance at all.
(47:03):
They just needed to reexaminewhat was running them and
driving them and causing them toreact and defend and survive and
that can give you so muchfreedom.
So reach out if you would liketo explore what that would look
like for you and Erin before wego um just share how can people
(47:28):
find out more about theincredible work that you're
doing.
SPEAKER_01 (47:31):
Thank you.
Well what you said makes me wantto just say one more thing about
this your program is 12 weeks myprogram is 12 weeks you know
those those were designed farbefore we met one another and I
think sometimes people look atsomething and they're like 12
weeks like seriously like howcould I possibly find time for
(47:54):
that this world wants us to youknow achieve things quickly and
just follow the system or do thething and I just don't believe
that that sort of change happenslike real change happens quickly
and you know towards both bothof our work there's something
(48:15):
there's like an untangling and amuscle building that happens and
it only happens over time.
And um when you work with me wehave a we spend 12 weeks
together and you know I lead youjust like in your program I lead
you through kind of my ownmethodology to you know what I
call building your brand um andout of that work we decide how
(48:38):
are you going to best market orshare what it is that you're
doing with the people that needto hear from you.
So that's kind of what happensyou know we create a guide and
we create a plan for like kindof some of the standard things
but what's in those is fardifferent.
And what happens over 12 weeksis you can walk away with from
me and you have the muscles likeyou have built strength um to
(49:05):
like do your businessdifferently talk about it more
succinctly with clarity thatfeels not like clarity I gave
you but clarity like youuncovered yourself.
And so it's just seateddifferently like the work that
you're doing the work that it'sseated differently inside of you
and and it grows over time andyou do have to keep practicing
(49:28):
it.
It's kind of like you say it'sliving and doing differently and
um so I think a lot ofbusinesses have have what they
consider a brand or maybe youdon't and you feel like um I'm
doing okay but if something herehas sparked like but I know I
(49:48):
could do more I know that likethere's pieces I'm missing like
I would just encourage you tolike reach out to me.
Email me join my emailnewsletter I I put out a weekly
newsletter.
A lot of it's personal or youknow kind of stories um but it's
also it's also some brand andmarketing stuff kind of mixed in
(50:11):
there as well but it's really tome a place to get to know me so
you can see like can you learnfrom my story or any of my
situations but also like get toknow me.
So you do you ever want to workwith me?
Like get to know me I'm okaywith you you doing that before
saying yes.
But and I love I love writing umwhether it's I guess in my
(50:33):
journal or in my my newsletterbut um I also have my whole 12
week program um in a course thatyou can do yourself if you don't
want to work directly with me.
All my same stuff is breathedinto it.
It's actually the same workbooksthat we do like together in you
know my live version but um mycourse is available.
SPEAKER_00 (50:57):
So yeah those are the well and your emails are so
good and you have such anability to be yourself in your
emails that like literally belike reading your emails helps
me be more of myself in what Iwrite and um so get on her email
list and set up a call.
SPEAKER_01 (51:19):
You do a call right to kind of explore yeah we can
like talk for 15 30 minuteswhatever and we can talk about
like is this the next best movefor you um or or is it something
else?
SPEAKER_00 (51:34):
So yeah and what I've loved about working with
you is that you're not likegiving me strat like you give me
tools but you're not saying youhave to do things this way or it
has to look that way.
Like Erin is so brilliant atextracting you and then helping
you shape you into like your theway you're gonna approach
(51:57):
writing or an email or amarketing um initiative like
you're so brilliant at that soif you're looking for someone
who is really going to get youand understand you and
understand your business andthen support you Aaron is your
gal.
I mean you're so good at thatyou're so good at that.
(52:20):
So your website did you giveyour website um it's just
matchboxwomen.com okay yay okayoh my gosh Aaron thank you so
much for really for being soopen and letting people peek
inside your journey to see ifit's something for them I'm so
grateful for you friend thankyou thank you this has been
(52:41):
wonderful and working with youhas has changed my life I'm so
grateful our paths have crossedokay until next time thank you
for tuning in to this episode ofdifferently hey if you're ready
to stop circling the samethoughts and start creating real
(53:05):
momentum check out my coachingexperiences.
There's a 12 week experience fora big shift or there's a monthly
writing and coaching partnershipfor ongoing clarity, creativity,
alignment and momentum.
You can find all the details atCarlaReeves.com and if you
(53:25):
enjoyed this episode please helpme grow the podcast and leave a
five-star review on ApplePodcasts and share it with
someone you love.
Until next time stop survivingyour life start creating it
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