February 24, 2025 • 32 mins
Across the galaxy, Captain Argus faces a survival challenge on a hostile planet, armed with little more than his wits and a stash of Taco Bell gift cards. His encounter with a Zambar Legion spaceship presents a thrilling twist and the possibility of rescue. However, is all what is seems? (Usually this means 'no'.)
Our sponsor is "Sorceress on the Set" documentary.
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Music:
“Never Far From You Ska” by Brotheration Records from Pixabay
"Piano Horror Soundtrack" by Bruno Magic from Pixabay
"Skinny Food Fighters Blues 85" by Won Jong Hwa from Pixabay
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:06):
Welcome to episode 46 of Discount Storytime.
This is Coffee McCann and ourstory for today is Ad Space and
our sponsor is Necromarcy Enjoy.
Enjoy Coming soon.
(00:27):
Of all the cast members of thePeanuts comic, perhaps none are
more mysterious as Marcy Johnson, best friend and real-life wife
to actress Peppermint Patty.
Marcy Johnson has also been themost critical to Peanuts'
(00:49):
survival.
Her dark story is now told inthe groundbreaking documentary
Necromarcy Sorceress on the Set.
Have you ever wondered how thecast of Peanuts, which began in
1950, remains active andyouthful to this day?
If you assumed dark magic, likemost have, you are right.
See how, from humble beginningsraised by gypsies, marcy
(01:13):
Johnson got her start backstageas a props manager in 1951.
And although she did not appearon stage until 1971, marcy
Johnson, also known as DarkSorceress to the cast and crew,
had been transferring life forceinto Peanuts' cast for almost
(01:34):
20 years.
It all started in 1952 whenCharles Schultz and Charlie
Brown decided he would performthe kick the football gag for
the first time with the balloriginally held by actress
Violet Gray.
Without a budget for stuntdoubles, all Peanuts cast
members had to perform their ownstunts.
(01:56):
The kick the football gag wentwell during rehearsal, but
recently discovered.
Film footage of the first takeshows Mr Brown missing the
football falling, sufferingmassive brain trauma, then lying
still and not breathing.
Emergency medics were unable toresuscitate Mr Brown.
(02:17):
Then a young props managerstepped through the solemn crowd
, kneeled down and placed herhands on Mr Brown's chest and
head.
She began chanting in anunknown language, and the grass
and plants surrounding Mr Brownwithered and died At the same
time.
Color returned to Mr Brown'sface.
(02:40):
He opened his eyes and saidwhat happened.
The film then cuts out.
From then on, marcy was taskedwith keeping the cast not only
alive but youthful, and as herresponsibilities grew, so did
her powers.
Marcy's presence was always metwith mixed reactions.
(03:04):
One unnamed cast member enjoyedwhat appeared to be eternal
youth and disparaged naysayersas quote blockheads, but some,
such as Mr Woodstock, were wary.
We were able to interview MrWoodstock, now retired, with the
aid of an interpreter.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
Many think Marcy wears thick glasses.
Not true.
Those glasses were designed byour costume department to cover
Marcy's eyes.
Those eyes, the horror, thosered, glowing eyes.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
I still have nightmares.
Some cast members feared fortheir safety.
We were able to interview oneon the condition we alter their
voice for anonymity.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
And what was it you saw?
Speaker 1 (04:09):
if you wish to share, oh God, oh, I am so sorry you
had to endure that.
Thank you for sharing.
And that's just the beginning.
Find out more this fall in thenew documentary Necromarcy
Sorceress on the beginning.
Find out more this fall in thenew documentary Necromarcy
(04:50):
Sorceress on the Set.
Bad Space.
A large, silvery, vulture-likebird with razor-sharp talons
swooped down and missed CaptainArgus.
Ship engineer of Space ForceForge, had been stuck on this
stinking, unknown planet for whoknows how long, with hardly any
(05:11):
shelter except his wreckedspaceship, which was falling
apart on the count of the severehot weather conditions of this
unknown planet.
This planet was inhabitable,but hot as hell and must be
fairly close to the sun.
Even worse, the food situationwas becoming dire.
(05:38):
He had found a few smalllizard-like creatures that
seemed edible and, with sometrial, could capture and roast
them, and a small plant which,after analyzing it in the plant
safety space analyzer, seemededible Well, edible is a kind
word for it, but the plantsdidn't poison him too much.
Yes, those two things werekeeping him alive, although in
(06:01):
one cave he found a crate fullof Taco Bell gift cards.
Oh yeah, there was a Taco Belljust a half mile away.
Finally, tired of eating roastlizards and glowing purple
plants.
Captain Argus gave in, lookedat the Taco Bell gift cards and
decided survival was mostimportant.
(06:23):
Decided survival was mostimportant.
After he filled his belly hehad to admit that gift card stew
wasn't too bad.
His survival routine includeddaily explorations for ship
parts.
He was a ship engineer and kneweverything about maintaining
and fixing ships.
But knowledge didn't help whenhe didn't have the needed tools
(06:45):
or parts.
Perhaps he could find somethingto repair his ship and get off
this godforsaken hellscape.
But after days of searching,all he found was an abandoned
metal temple now converted to aspirit.
Halloween it must be October.
Captain Argus thought and pinedfor fall and Halloween on his
(07:10):
home planet.
Back in his ship, the isolationand despair were getting to him.
Is this all there is to life?
Eating Taco Bell gift cards allalone while wearing a Nightmare
Blade hand guy costume.
Then he heard the whirr andthud of another spaceship.
(07:32):
It was landing.
Captain Argus rushed outside.
It was definitely a ship of theZambar Legion.
He let out a whoop of cheer andrelief.
The Zambar Legion were allies.
He ran outside and hailed thelarge ship.
Its main door opened and a rampslid out.
(07:54):
Three astronauts walked downthe ramp.
They were Lizardoids orLizardfolk.
Captain Argus grew up with alizardoid family next door.
They have an unfair reputationfor being cold and indifferent,
but that's not true once you gotto know them With the treatment
(08:15):
they endured after the tailsnip wars would you?
blame them for being a bitoff-standish.
Argus laughed, maybe a bit onthe maniacal side, but he had
been on this mostly abandonedplanet for a very long time.
Oh, thank gods, I thought Iwould be trapped here forever.
(08:35):
Ahoy, there we were passing byadmiring the view out of our
port windows.
When we saw you, said the firstLizardoid astronaut whose name
patch read DeVoe.
The second astronaut named Bellsaid yes, why we almost missed
you.
The third astronaut named Biv,said yes, had we not had sparkly
(09:02):
clean windows with the new andimproved window wash why you
would have been stranded herefor who knows how long.
Thank you so much.
Captain Argus raised his handand suddenly all three
Lizardoids aimed their plasmapistols at him.
He still wore his NightmareBlade Hand Guy costume and held
(09:27):
what looked like a bladed gloveup in the air.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is just a costume.
Hold on.
He took off the costume andmask.
I got this costume from aSpirit Halloween.
That is all I could find onthis desolate rock.
That, and a taco bell.
At the word's taco bell, twolizardoids gagged and Biv spewed
(09:52):
bile.
Devoe, the senior officer, puthis clawed hands on Argus's
shoulders.
Well, go hungry no more.
We are here to rescue you.
Let's get your things and getout of here.
I suspect angry space monsterscould attack at any moment.
Captain Argus had seen no angryspace monsters but wasn't about
(10:19):
to argue with his rescuers.
The crew helped Argus load uphis essentials his captain's
journals, mission reports,hairdryer and a collection of
ska records.
What's this?
Belle asked, pointing to alizard roasting on a spit above
the fire.
Oh that was like that what Igot here.
(10:42):
Poor thing must have fallenonto the spit, said Argus.
Belle's shoulders sagged andshe said that's so sad.
With all the necessities loaded,the ship took off.
The inside of their ship waswarm, very warm, which Argus
(11:02):
attributed to the Lizardoids,but even for them the interior
seemed hot.
However, it was much nicer thanArgus's ship.
Even before the crash,everything was sparkling and new
and smelled of lavender.
He patted Biv on the shoulderand said Wow, you keep your ship
(11:24):
clean.
Biv's eyes gleamed as he heldup a canister.
It's easy to keep your favoriteship clean with Lavendae, the
all-purpose cleaner that leavesa fresh lavender scent all day.
That's Lavendae.
Find it at your local market.
Okay, said Argus.
(11:47):
Once airborne, argus realized hehadn't asked where they were
going.
Devoe waved a dismissive handAll around, you know we don't
have to worry about that nowthat we have Navagon.
With Navagon, the ship'snavigation and flight are all
taken care of, so you can relaxwith activities you enjoy
(12:09):
instead of pesky flight details.
That's Navigon.
Make all your Navigon worriesbe gone.
Navigon is available at BestestBuy and wherever you buy
N7943-rated S-Series clearednavigation equipment.
Argus cleared his throat andasked you don't know your
(12:31):
destination.
Didn't you program the system?
Devoe shuffled off to the messhall.
Oh, I maybe put something in,but can't remember.
If there's a problem, thesystem will alert us.
Now let's get some actual foodinto you.
The meal pod choices wereexemplary.
(12:52):
Meal pods were sort of likedehydrated meals back in the day
.
They were about the size of asoda can and you put them into a
machine that looked like amicrowave and a printer's love
child.
It took the ingredients frominside the pod, added water, oil
, salt, etc.
To construct a meal.
(13:14):
Bell went through the list ofchoices and Argus chose split
spice stew.
Argus chose split spice stew.
Bell put the meal pod into themachine and after a few minutes
a piping bowl of split spicestew with two biscuits was ready
.
It was thick and just spicyenough to leave a little tingle.
(13:36):
Argus leaned back in his chairand gave a content stretch.
That was delicious.
What meal pods are those?
Bell held up a one meal pod andsmiled One meal, one meal is
the next generation of meal podswith all natural synthetic
(13:57):
ingredients and that homemadetaste like grandma used to print
.
Not only are they delicious,but they are nutritious too,
providing your daily supply oflead and mercury.
That's one meal availablewherever.
Her eyes blinked a few times,but she didn't move.
Argus leaned forward.
Are you okay?
Biv walked over.
(14:19):
Oh, she gets stuck like thatsometimes.
I think it's a glitch in hergenetic code.
I'm sure they'll fix it when weget back home.
He gently rested his hand onher delegate shoulders, then
shook her violently and yelledStop it.
Bell startled, yelped out.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
Available wherever you buy meal pods.
Ouch Biv, you scratched me withyour claw.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
How do you keep your claws in such good shape.
I can never get my claws thatstrong.
They both looked at Biv'sshining black claws admiringly.
Biv extended his fingers toshow everyone why I use Claw
Care.
It's the onlyveterinarian-recommended claw
strengthener and conditioner.
(15:04):
Claw Care keeps my claws strongas iron and with a beautiful
luster.
Like iron, I simply put it onevery night at bedtime and Claw
Care does the rest.
Claw Care may cause headaches,throat spasms, diarrhea or
urinary implosion.
Ask your veterinarian if ClawCare is right for you.
Argus watched the two andrubbed his chin.
(15:27):
Something was definitely amiss.
Devoe walked into the mess hall.
Well, it's been a long day foreveryone and I think we're all
wiped out.
Argus stretched and yawned.
He had been running onadrenaline since the ship landed
and now his eyes were gettingheavy.
(15:48):
Biv and Belle said Yep, youknow what that means.
Argus was about to say sleepwhen all three Lizzoids yelled.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Board games.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
DeVoe opened a cabinet crammed with boxes and
boxes and boxes of board games.
Argus, since you're our guest,which one do you want to start
with?
We have Proberation, Mystery,Abduction.
Don't Feed the Wendigo Splat.
Don't Feed the Wendigo, I guess.
Excellent choice, my friend.
(16:22):
Don't Feed the wendigo is funfor the whole.
Argus held up his hand.
Wait, stop, why are all of youdoing that?
Devoe asked doing what With theadvertising?
Always talking like you're incommercials or something.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, that's howwe were created.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
We are the next generation of Lizardoids, All
three Lizardoids, said Tired ofnot knowing what to purchase,
sick of having too littleproduct information?
Then let the next generation ofLizardoids light your path
DeVoe continued.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
Advertising is our people's primary source of
revenue, so it's important toget as much product placement in
as possible.
Advertisements already take up99.8% of all website traffic and
phone app usage.
Clicking to close ads farexceeds whatever the ad is
(17:26):
supposed to do.
So scientists have to find away of making product
endorsements more efficient, andwhat better way to do that than
to literally incorporateadvertisements into our genetic
code?
So whenever we see something,we have to advertise it.
It really takes the hassle outof thinking of something to say,
(17:49):
and we have increased ourrevenue by 0.002 percent simply
by altering who we are as aspecies.
Argus's jaw went slack, slack,but all you do is spew
advertisements.
I mean no offense.
Devoe patted argus's shoulder,none taken, my friend, it is our
(18:12):
pleasure to provide valuableadvertising to everyone.
Test cases of this new process.
It's not all of us by any means.
That would be insane.
Nope, we hatched in alaboratory and scientists are
studying our health, well-beingand, most of all, return on
(18:34):
investment.
We are helping our species andcouldn't be more proud.
I see, said Argus.
But something didn't set right.
They listened to ska recordsand played board games, and he
got an earful about the wondersof everything from a bag of
cheese snaps to a bottle of DietDrinkle, but he enjoyed the
(18:57):
company of the threegood-natured Lizardoids Three
good-natured lizardoids.
As exhausted as Argus was, hecouldn't get to sleep that night
, partly because his room was sohot and stuffy.
Just from the time he boardedthe ship to now it felt like he
was in a sauna.
Something wasn't right.
(19:18):
When he was sure the crew wassleeping, he crept to the flight
deck.
Sure enough, everything was onautopilot, but they had changed
course enough to rescue him.
So at least one of them knewhow to pilot a ship.
He found the navigation paneland searched through the data
files.
(19:38):
No flight plan had been postedwith the local authorities.
Typically detailed flight plansweren't required unless you
were carrying somethingpotentially hazardous like
nuclear waste or Arby's sauce.
But each inhabited planet didunofficially ask for those
(20:03):
traveling nearby to provide ageneral heads-up as a courtesy.
Argus didn't like this not onebit.
Then he found it buried under apile of data about ratings,
streaming services,click-throughs and market share.
What he found made his bloodfreeze.
It was a news article of DeVoe,bell and Biv smiling as they
(20:28):
entered the ship.
The headline was Three IdiotsFired at Sun.
The article read In anastounding feat of advertising
genius, crate Studios partneredwith the streaming platform
Maxflix to bring a livebroadcast of three hapless
(20:48):
idiots flown directly into thesun.
Watch the crew until they turninto fiery ash.
The sun this ship is to crashinto the sun.
Argus's throat tightened thisship is to crash into the sun
Argus's throat tightened.
How could they do that?
And who is sick enough to watch?
(21:11):
Okay, well, that part didn'tsurprise him.
And now milking ad revenue madesense.
Argus went to the escape pod bayand found three escape pods.
But again, after a career offixing ships, something didn't
seem right.
He opened one pod and put hisfoot through, literally through.
They made the escape pods outof paper mache.
(21:31):
Argus was at first furious withthe three dimwits, but then he
remembered they were engineeredfor this.
They didn't cause this tohappen, but they picked him up,
up, and now he is stuck on thisdeath ride.
Then he realized the flightwasn't fully automatic.
They had altered course, atleast a little bit, to rescue
(21:55):
him.
So there was at least a littlegive in the flight path, maybe
enough to avoid the sun.
Argus went back to the flightdeck and tried to adjust to the
ship's path.
Devoe, who must have awoke fromthe rustling, entered Argus.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to save our lives.
(22:18):
Devoe, do you know where thisship is going?
Do you know where this ship isgoing?
No, but I know all aboutsavings and where my finances
are going.
With an account at GalaxyCredit Union you can save up to
3% with no hidden fees.
And the sun, devoe, your shipis being flown straight into the
(22:45):
sun.
Devoe laughed Well, that'sridiculous, argus.
Where did you hear that?
Argus showed him the flightinformation.
Devoe blinked slowly and saidthat explains why they said we
had a sunny future ahead of us.
Can we change course?
How did you override theautopilot?
(23:05):
Devoe scrunched his eye ridges.
What do you mean when youoverrode?
The autopilot landed andrescued me.
How did you do that?
I didn't.
The ship saw you and picked youup.
We aren't pilots.
So it saw me.
It saw me.
(23:27):
Argus thought for a minute.
If the course is pre-programmedand you aren't pilots, why have
ship controls?
Argus checked the control panel.
It had the standard layout, butsomething was off.
It had the standard layout, butsomething was off.
The indicator lights flashedway too much, more like for show
(23:47):
than for function.
He sat down and pulled at theyoke Nothing.
He pulled harder and the yokebroke off in his hands.
It was also made of paper macheand cardboard tubes.
Seriously, I don't think it'ssupposed to do that, devoe said
helpfully, argus thought.
(24:10):
Which means it is allcontrolled by the navigation
system.
But how does it?
Argus noted multiple cameraspointing at them.
A quick tour of the craftshowed cameras everywhere, which
made sense.
This is how the audience wouldwatch them fly into the sun.
(24:31):
No-transcript.
There was no way they couldtake all the cameras out and
certainly there had to be audio.
Argus waved DeVoe over and wroteon a legal pad Don't say
anything, they can heareverything.
Wake the others and quietlytell them to meet me in the
(24:54):
engine room.
I have a plan.
Devoe read.
Then took the pen from Argusand wrote Feel how naturally the
Penmate 36Y feels in your handwith smooth silky ink to make
your writing a breeze, why itpractically writes your love
letter and or breakup note andor death threats for you.
(25:17):
Find all Penmate lines at yourlocal office supply store.
Devoe then gave a thumbs up.
The noisy engine room hopefullyblocked out their speech.
Argus explained to Bell and Bivthe situation.
He was heartbroken to see theirusually cheery faces droop at
(25:38):
their impending doom, to seetheir usually cheery faces droop
at their impending doom, andthat others would find
entertainment in their suffering.
He gained information abouttheir ship, knowledge which was
more than he expected.
Devoe was knowledgeable aboutship navigation, bell was good
at electronics and circuitry andBiv was handy with mechanical
repairs.
(25:58):
After all, if something wentwrong on the ship, the studio
would want the crew to fix it.
The first priority was takingaway the studio's control of the
ship.
Argus assumed there would bemultiple points for ingoing and
outgoing transmissions and hewanted control of both.
So Argus and Biv traced backall wiring and controls focused
(26:23):
on any reception.
Bell and DeVoe searched foreverything that could be an
outgoing feed.
As they searched, the equipmentgrew hotter and hotter.
At times the crew needed ovenmitts to touch some control
panels.
It took close to a day to getit all and the ship was
sweltering.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
Bell asked Argus how do you know we got them all?
Speaker 1 (26:49):
The incoming is the most important for the next part
.
Cutting off the feed loses thestudio, their audience and
revenue.
Teach them to hurt my friends.
And at that all threeLizardoids smiled.
What is the next part, askedBiv.
Argus sighed Well, this part isa gamble.
(27:10):
He pointed to a series of wiresin front of him.
When I cut these wires, theship will no longer be receiving
instructions from the studio.
I'm assuming we can programcoordinates manually.
Devaux stated flight path onwhat map data I could find?
(27:43):
And I think I can reversecourse.
Argus cut the wires and DeVoegot to work with the new
navigation coordinates.
After a while he called to thecrew Okay, when I flip this
switch, the ship should turnaway from the sun.
They held their breath andDeVoe flipped the switch.
(28:07):
Nothing, they waited.
With every minute the air felthotter.
Nothing, as if fate wasflipping them off.
Bright sunlight flooded in.
We're doomed, cried Biv.
But Bell shook his arm.
Speaker 2 (28:27):
No, no, no.
Look, the light is coming fromthe stern porthole.
Behind us, it's behind us.
We turned around.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
Everybody cheered.
Argus asked when did you setour destination Epilogue?
A large, silvery, vulture-likebird with razor-sharp talons
swooped down and missed.
Four figures sat around thefire between the Lizardoids'
(28:59):
crashed ship and Argus' crashedship.
Argus was back in his NightmareBlade hand guy costume.
Belle had bought a DungeonPrincess costume, biv a blue
Cookie Savage costume and DeVoea green Plumber Brother costume.
They listened to Ska Recordsand roasted Taco Bell gift cards
(29:19):
.
And DeVoe a green PlumberBrother costume.
They listened to ska recordsand roasted Taco Bell gift cards
.
They then put the gift cards ongraham crackers with chocolate.
Oh yeah, they had found a minewith graham cracker and
chocolate veins.
They ate and laughed and talkedabout their day.
(29:40):
Argus was sure they couldsalvage parts from the
Lizardoid's ship to repair hisship, but it would take some
time and that was fine with himbecause he was enjoying time
with his new friends.
(30:04):
Thank you for listening.
I hope you enjoyed this episodeand I hope you enjoyed the ska
music.
It's just kind of a ska musickind of day.
Let's see.
I got a few updates.
Everything on this podcast andthrough the website is free.
(30:25):
I will be coming out with anewsletter that's going to have
information and stories and bitsmaybe not full stories, but
bits on it.
That will only be availablethrough newsletter subscribers
and, again, that will be free.
I'm not paywalling anything,but there will be different ways
that you can access information.
(30:45):
Now, if you have been listeningand you enjoy this show or you
enjoy the blog posts, there ison the website a link to buy me
a coffee, as well as in the shownotes, and that's a little
different than Patreon.
I don't have a membershipprogram.
You don't have to sign up for amembership or monthly things
(31:06):
like that.
It's really more of a tip jar.
So if you've been enjoying thisshow and you would like to
contribute, I would certainlyappreciate it, but don't feel
like you have to.
Anyway, lots of cool thingscoming down the road and until
next time, please reach out tome if you have questions,
comments, thoughts.
(31:26):
I love hearing from you.
My contact information is inthe show notes.
I am also on Blue Sky andMastodon primarily, and you can
reach me there.
And until next time, be sure toplay nice with others, be super
duper kind to yourself and, asalways, remember to laugh.
(31:48):
Bye, thank you.
Welcome to episode 46 of Discount Storytime.
This is Coffee McCann and ourstory for today is Ad Space and
our sponsor is Necromarcy Enjoy.
Enjoy Coming soon.
(00:27):
Of all the cast members of thePeanuts comic, perhaps none are
more mysterious as Marcy Johnson, best friend and real-life wife
to actress Peppermint Patty.
Marcy Johnson has also been themost critical to Peanuts'
(00:49):
survival.
Her dark story is now told inthe groundbreaking documentary
Necromarcy Sorceress on the Set.
Have you ever wondered how thecast of Peanuts, which began in
1950, remains active andyouthful to this day?
If you assumed dark magic, likemost have, you are right.
See how, from humble beginningsraised by gypsies, marcy
(01:13):
Johnson got her start backstageas a props manager in 1951.
And although she did not appearon stage until 1971, marcy
Johnson, also known as DarkSorceress to the cast and crew,
had been transferring life forceinto Peanuts' cast for almost
(01:34):
20 years.
It all started in 1952 whenCharles Schultz and Charlie
Brown decided he would performthe kick the football gag for
the first time with the balloriginally held by actress
Violet Gray.
Without a budget for stuntdoubles, all Peanuts cast
members had to perform their ownstunts.
(01:56):
The kick the football gag wentwell during rehearsal, but
recently discovered.
Film footage of the first takeshows Mr Brown missing the
football falling, sufferingmassive brain trauma, then lying
still and not breathing.
Emergency medics were unable toresuscitate Mr Brown.
(02:17):
Then a young props managerstepped through the solemn crowd
, kneeled down and placed herhands on Mr Brown's chest and
head.
She began chanting in anunknown language, and the grass
and plants surrounding Mr Brownwithered and died At the same
time.
Color returned to Mr Brown'sface.
(02:40):
He opened his eyes and saidwhat happened.
The film then cuts out.
From then on, marcy was taskedwith keeping the cast not only
alive but youthful, and as herresponsibilities grew, so did
her powers.
Marcy's presence was always metwith mixed reactions.
(03:04):
One unnamed cast member enjoyedwhat appeared to be eternal
youth and disparaged naysayersas quote blockheads, but some,
such as Mr Woodstock, were wary.
We were able to interview MrWoodstock, now retired, with the
aid of an interpreter.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
Many think Marcy wears thick glasses.
Not true.
Those glasses were designed byour costume department to cover
Marcy's eyes.
Those eyes, the horror, thosered, glowing eyes.
Speaker 1 (03:51):
I still have nightmares.
Some cast members feared fortheir safety.
We were able to interview oneon the condition we alter their
voice for anonymity.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
And what was it you saw?
Speaker 1 (04:09):
if you wish to share, oh God, oh, I am so sorry you
had to endure that.
Thank you for sharing.
And that's just the beginning.
Find out more this fall in thenew documentary Necromarcy
Sorceress on the beginning.
Find out more this fall in thenew documentary Necromarcy
(04:50):
Sorceress on the Set.
Bad Space.
A large, silvery, vulture-likebird with razor-sharp talons
swooped down and missed CaptainArgus.
Ship engineer of Space ForceForge, had been stuck on this
stinking, unknown planet for whoknows how long, with hardly any
(05:11):
shelter except his wreckedspaceship, which was falling
apart on the count of the severehot weather conditions of this
unknown planet.
This planet was inhabitable,but hot as hell and must be
fairly close to the sun.
Even worse, the food situationwas becoming dire.
(05:38):
He had found a few smalllizard-like creatures that
seemed edible and, with sometrial, could capture and roast
them, and a small plant which,after analyzing it in the plant
safety space analyzer, seemededible Well, edible is a kind
word for it, but the plantsdidn't poison him too much.
Yes, those two things werekeeping him alive, although in
(06:01):
one cave he found a crate fullof Taco Bell gift cards.
Oh yeah, there was a Taco Belljust a half mile away.
Finally, tired of eating roastlizards and glowing purple
plants.
Captain Argus gave in, lookedat the Taco Bell gift cards and
decided survival was mostimportant.
(06:23):
Decided survival was mostimportant.
After he filled his belly hehad to admit that gift card stew
wasn't too bad.
His survival routine includeddaily explorations for ship
parts.
He was a ship engineer and kneweverything about maintaining
and fixing ships.
But knowledge didn't help whenhe didn't have the needed tools
(06:45):
or parts.
Perhaps he could find somethingto repair his ship and get off
this godforsaken hellscape.
But after days of searching,all he found was an abandoned
metal temple now converted to aspirit.
Halloween it must be October.
Captain Argus thought and pinedfor fall and Halloween on his
(07:10):
home planet.
Back in his ship, the isolationand despair were getting to him.
Is this all there is to life?
Eating Taco Bell gift cards allalone while wearing a Nightmare
Blade hand guy costume.
Then he heard the whirr andthud of another spaceship.
(07:32):
It was landing.
Captain Argus rushed outside.
It was definitely a ship of theZambar Legion.
He let out a whoop of cheer andrelief.
The Zambar Legion were allies.
He ran outside and hailed thelarge ship.
Its main door opened and a rampslid out.
(07:54):
Three astronauts walked downthe ramp.
They were Lizardoids orLizardfolk.
Captain Argus grew up with alizardoid family next door.
They have an unfair reputationfor being cold and indifferent,
but that's not true once you gotto know them With the treatment
(08:15):
they endured after the tailsnip wars would you?
blame them for being a bitoff-standish.
Argus laughed, maybe a bit onthe maniacal side, but he had
been on this mostly abandonedplanet for a very long time.
Oh, thank gods, I thought Iwould be trapped here forever.
(08:35):
Ahoy, there we were passing byadmiring the view out of our
port windows.
When we saw you, said the firstLizardoid astronaut whose name
patch read DeVoe.
The second astronaut named Bellsaid yes, why we almost missed
you.
The third astronaut named Biv,said yes, had we not had sparkly
(09:02):
clean windows with the new andimproved window wash why you
would have been stranded herefor who knows how long.
Thank you so much.
Captain Argus raised his handand suddenly all three
Lizardoids aimed their plasmapistols at him.
He still wore his NightmareBlade Hand Guy costume and held
(09:27):
what looked like a bladed gloveup in the air.
No, no, no, no, no.
This is just a costume.
Hold on.
He took off the costume andmask.
I got this costume from aSpirit Halloween.
That is all I could find onthis desolate rock.
That, and a taco bell.
At the word's taco bell, twolizardoids gagged and Biv spewed
(09:52):
bile.
Devoe, the senior officer, puthis clawed hands on Argus's
shoulders.
Well, go hungry no more.
We are here to rescue you.
Let's get your things and getout of here.
I suspect angry space monsterscould attack at any moment.
Captain Argus had seen no angryspace monsters but wasn't about
(10:19):
to argue with his rescuers.
The crew helped Argus load uphis essentials his captain's
journals, mission reports,hairdryer and a collection of
ska records.
What's this?
Belle asked, pointing to alizard roasting on a spit above
the fire.
Oh that was like that what Igot here.
(10:42):
Poor thing must have fallenonto the spit, said Argus.
Belle's shoulders sagged andshe said that's so sad.
With all the necessities loaded,the ship took off.
The inside of their ship waswarm, very warm, which Argus
(11:02):
attributed to the Lizardoids,but even for them the interior
seemed hot.
However, it was much nicer thanArgus's ship.
Even before the crash,everything was sparkling and new
and smelled of lavender.
He patted Biv on the shoulderand said Wow, you keep your ship
(11:24):
clean.
Biv's eyes gleamed as he heldup a canister.
It's easy to keep your favoriteship clean with Lavendae, the
all-purpose cleaner that leavesa fresh lavender scent all day.
That's Lavendae.
Find it at your local market.
Okay, said Argus.
(11:47):
Once airborne, argus realized hehadn't asked where they were
going.
Devoe waved a dismissive handAll around, you know we don't
have to worry about that nowthat we have Navagon.
With Navagon, the ship'snavigation and flight are all
taken care of, so you can relaxwith activities you enjoy
(12:09):
instead of pesky flight details.
That's Navigon.
Make all your Navigon worriesbe gone.
Navigon is available at BestestBuy and wherever you buy
N7943-rated S-Series clearednavigation equipment.
Argus cleared his throat andasked you don't know your
(12:31):
destination.
Didn't you program the system?
Devoe shuffled off to the messhall.
Oh, I maybe put something in,but can't remember.
If there's a problem, thesystem will alert us.
Now let's get some actual foodinto you.
The meal pod choices wereexemplary.
(12:52):
Meal pods were sort of likedehydrated meals back in the day
.
They were about the size of asoda can and you put them into a
machine that looked like amicrowave and a printer's love
child.
It took the ingredients frominside the pod, added water, oil
, salt, etc.
To construct a meal.
(13:14):
Bell went through the list ofchoices and Argus chose split
spice stew.
Argus chose split spice stew.
Bell put the meal pod into themachine and after a few minutes
a piping bowl of split spicestew with two biscuits was ready
.
It was thick and just spicyenough to leave a little tingle.
(13:36):
Argus leaned back in his chairand gave a content stretch.
That was delicious.
What meal pods are those?
Bell held up a one meal pod andsmiled One meal, one meal is
the next generation of meal podswith all natural synthetic
(13:57):
ingredients and that homemadetaste like grandma used to print
.
Not only are they delicious,but they are nutritious too,
providing your daily supply oflead and mercury.
That's one meal availablewherever.
Her eyes blinked a few times,but she didn't move.
Argus leaned forward.
Are you okay?
Biv walked over.
(14:19):
Oh, she gets stuck like thatsometimes.
I think it's a glitch in hergenetic code.
I'm sure they'll fix it when weget back home.
He gently rested his hand onher delegate shoulders, then
shook her violently and yelledStop it.
Bell startled, yelped out.
Speaker 2 (14:37):
Available wherever you buy meal pods.
Ouch Biv, you scratched me withyour claw.
Speaker 1 (14:43):
How do you keep your claws in such good shape.
I can never get my claws thatstrong.
They both looked at Biv'sshining black claws admiringly.
Biv extended his fingers toshow everyone why I use Claw
Care.
It's the onlyveterinarian-recommended claw
strengthener and conditioner.
(15:04):
Claw Care keeps my claws strongas iron and with a beautiful
luster.
Like iron, I simply put it onevery night at bedtime and Claw
Care does the rest.
Claw Care may cause headaches,throat spasms, diarrhea or
urinary implosion.
Ask your veterinarian if ClawCare is right for you.
Argus watched the two andrubbed his chin.
(15:27):
Something was definitely amiss.
Devoe walked into the mess hall.
Well, it's been a long day foreveryone and I think we're all
wiped out.
Argus stretched and yawned.
He had been running onadrenaline since the ship landed
and now his eyes were gettingheavy.
(15:48):
Biv and Belle said Yep, youknow what that means.
Argus was about to say sleepwhen all three Lizzoids yelled.
Speaker 2 (15:58):
Board games.
Speaker 1 (16:01):
DeVoe opened a cabinet crammed with boxes and
boxes and boxes of board games.
Argus, since you're our guest,which one do you want to start
with?
We have Proberation, Mystery,Abduction.
Don't Feed the Wendigo Splat.
Don't Feed the Wendigo, I guess.
Excellent choice, my friend.
(16:22):
Don't Feed the wendigo is funfor the whole.
Argus held up his hand.
Wait, stop, why are all of youdoing that?
Devoe asked doing what With theadvertising?
Always talking like you're incommercials or something.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, that's howwe were created.
Speaker 2 (16:45):
We are the next generation of Lizardoids, All
three Lizardoids, said Tired ofnot knowing what to purchase,
sick of having too littleproduct information?
Then let the next generation ofLizardoids light your path
DeVoe continued.
Speaker 1 (17:05):
Advertising is our people's primary source of
revenue, so it's important toget as much product placement in
as possible.
Advertisements already take up99.8% of all website traffic and
phone app usage.
Clicking to close ads farexceeds whatever the ad is
(17:26):
supposed to do.
So scientists have to find away of making product
endorsements more efficient, andwhat better way to do that than
to literally incorporateadvertisements into our genetic
code?
So whenever we see something,we have to advertise it.
It really takes the hassle outof thinking of something to say,
(17:49):
and we have increased ourrevenue by 0.002 percent simply
by altering who we are as aspecies.
Argus's jaw went slack, slack,but all you do is spew
advertisements.
I mean no offense.
Devoe patted argus's shoulder,none taken, my friend, it is our
(18:12):
pleasure to provide valuableadvertising to everyone.
Test cases of this new process.
It's not all of us by any means.
That would be insane.
Nope, we hatched in alaboratory and scientists are
studying our health, well-beingand, most of all, return on
(18:34):
investment.
We are helping our species andcouldn't be more proud.
I see, said Argus.
But something didn't set right.
They listened to ska recordsand played board games, and he
got an earful about the wondersof everything from a bag of
cheese snaps to a bottle of DietDrinkle, but he enjoyed the
(18:57):
company of the threegood-natured Lizardoids Three
good-natured lizardoids.
As exhausted as Argus was, hecouldn't get to sleep that night
, partly because his room was sohot and stuffy.
Just from the time he boardedthe ship to now it felt like he
was in a sauna.
Something wasn't right.
(19:18):
When he was sure the crew wassleeping, he crept to the flight
deck.
Sure enough, everything was onautopilot, but they had changed
course enough to rescue him.
So at least one of them knewhow to pilot a ship.
He found the navigation paneland searched through the data
files.
(19:38):
No flight plan had been postedwith the local authorities.
Typically detailed flight plansweren't required unless you
were carrying somethingpotentially hazardous like
nuclear waste or Arby's sauce.
But each inhabited planet didunofficially ask for those
(20:03):
traveling nearby to provide ageneral heads-up as a courtesy.
Argus didn't like this not onebit.
Then he found it buried under apile of data about ratings,
streaming services,click-throughs and market share.
What he found made his bloodfreeze.
It was a news article of DeVoe,bell and Biv smiling as they
(20:28):
entered the ship.
The headline was Three IdiotsFired at Sun.
The article read In anastounding feat of advertising
genius, crate Studios partneredwith the streaming platform
Maxflix to bring a livebroadcast of three hapless
(20:48):
idiots flown directly into thesun.
Watch the crew until they turninto fiery ash.
The sun this ship is to crashinto the sun.
Argus's throat tightened thisship is to crash into the sun
Argus's throat tightened.
How could they do that?
And who is sick enough to watch?
(21:11):
Okay, well, that part didn'tsurprise him.
And now milking ad revenue madesense.
Argus went to the escape pod bayand found three escape pods.
But again, after a career offixing ships, something didn't
seem right.
He opened one pod and put hisfoot through, literally through.
They made the escape pods outof paper mache.
(21:31):
Argus was at first furious withthe three dimwits, but then he
remembered they were engineeredfor this.
They didn't cause this tohappen, but they picked him up,
up, and now he is stuck on thisdeath ride.
Then he realized the flightwasn't fully automatic.
They had altered course, atleast a little bit, to rescue
(21:55):
him.
So there was at least a littlegive in the flight path, maybe
enough to avoid the sun.
Argus went back to the flightdeck and tried to adjust to the
ship's path.
Devoe, who must have awoke fromthe rustling, entered Argus.
What are you doing?
I'm trying to save our lives.
(22:18):
Devoe, do you know where thisship is going?
Do you know where this ship isgoing?
No, but I know all aboutsavings and where my finances
are going.
With an account at GalaxyCredit Union you can save up to
3% with no hidden fees.
And the sun, devoe, your shipis being flown straight into the
(22:45):
sun.
Devoe laughed Well, that'sridiculous, argus.
Where did you hear that?
Argus showed him the flightinformation.
Devoe blinked slowly and saidthat explains why they said we
had a sunny future ahead of us.
Can we change course?
How did you override theautopilot?
(23:05):
Devoe scrunched his eye ridges.
What do you mean when youoverrode?
The autopilot landed andrescued me.
How did you do that?
I didn't.
The ship saw you and picked youup.
We aren't pilots.
So it saw me.
It saw me.
(23:27):
Argus thought for a minute.
If the course is pre-programmedand you aren't pilots, why have
ship controls?
Argus checked the control panel.
It had the standard layout, butsomething was off.
It had the standard layout, butsomething was off.
The indicator lights flashedway too much, more like for show
(23:47):
than for function.
He sat down and pulled at theyoke Nothing.
He pulled harder and the yokebroke off in his hands.
It was also made of paper macheand cardboard tubes.
Seriously, I don't think it'ssupposed to do that, devoe said
helpfully, argus thought.
(24:10):
Which means it is allcontrolled by the navigation
system.
But how does it?
Argus noted multiple cameraspointing at them.
A quick tour of the craftshowed cameras everywhere, which
made sense.
This is how the audience wouldwatch them fly into the sun.
(24:31):
No-transcript.
There was no way they couldtake all the cameras out and
certainly there had to be audio.
Argus waved DeVoe over and wroteon a legal pad Don't say
anything, they can heareverything.
Wake the others and quietlytell them to meet me in the
(24:54):
engine room.
I have a plan.
Devoe read.
Then took the pen from Argusand wrote Feel how naturally the
Penmate 36Y feels in your handwith smooth silky ink to make
your writing a breeze, why itpractically writes your love
letter and or breakup note andor death threats for you.
(25:17):
Find all Penmate lines at yourlocal office supply store.
Devoe then gave a thumbs up.
The noisy engine room hopefullyblocked out their speech.
Argus explained to Bell and Bivthe situation.
He was heartbroken to see theirusually cheery faces droop at
(25:38):
their impending doom, to seetheir usually cheery faces droop
at their impending doom, andthat others would find
entertainment in their suffering.
He gained information abouttheir ship, knowledge which was
more than he expected.
Devoe was knowledgeable aboutship navigation, bell was good
at electronics and circuitry andBiv was handy with mechanical
repairs.
(25:58):
After all, if something wentwrong on the ship, the studio
would want the crew to fix it.
The first priority was takingaway the studio's control of the
ship.
Argus assumed there would bemultiple points for ingoing and
outgoing transmissions and hewanted control of both.
So Argus and Biv traced backall wiring and controls focused
(26:23):
on any reception.
Bell and DeVoe searched foreverything that could be an
outgoing feed.
As they searched, the equipmentgrew hotter and hotter.
At times the crew needed ovenmitts to touch some control
panels.
It took close to a day to getit all and the ship was
sweltering.
Speaker 2 (26:44):
Bell asked Argus how do you know we got them all?
Speaker 1 (26:49):
The incoming is the most important for the next part
.
Cutting off the feed loses thestudio, their audience and
revenue.
Teach them to hurt my friends.
And at that all threeLizardoids smiled.
What is the next part, askedBiv.
Argus sighed Well, this part isa gamble.
(27:10):
He pointed to a series of wiresin front of him.
When I cut these wires, theship will no longer be receiving
instructions from the studio.
I'm assuming we can programcoordinates manually.
Devaux stated flight path onwhat map data I could find?
(27:43):
And I think I can reversecourse.
Argus cut the wires and DeVoegot to work with the new
navigation coordinates.
After a while he called to thecrew Okay, when I flip this
switch, the ship should turnaway from the sun.
They held their breath andDeVoe flipped the switch.
(28:07):
Nothing, they waited.
With every minute the air felthotter.
Nothing, as if fate wasflipping them off.
Bright sunlight flooded in.
We're doomed, cried Biv.
But Bell shook his arm.
Speaker 2 (28:27):
No, no, no.
Look, the light is coming fromthe stern porthole.
Behind us, it's behind us.
We turned around.
Speaker 1 (28:39):
Everybody cheered.
Argus asked when did you setour destination Epilogue?
A large, silvery, vulture-likebird with razor-sharp talons
swooped down and missed.
Four figures sat around thefire between the Lizardoids'
(28:59):
crashed ship and Argus' crashedship.
Argus was back in his NightmareBlade hand guy costume.
Belle had bought a DungeonPrincess costume, biv a blue
Cookie Savage costume and DeVoea green Plumber Brother costume.
They listened to Ska Recordsand roasted Taco Bell gift cards
(29:19):
.
And DeVoe a green PlumberBrother costume.
They listened to ska recordsand roasted Taco Bell gift cards
.
They then put the gift cards ongraham crackers with chocolate.
Oh yeah, they had found a minewith graham cracker and
chocolate veins.
They ate and laughed and talkedabout their day.
(29:40):
Argus was sure they couldsalvage parts from the
Lizardoid's ship to repair hisship, but it would take some
time and that was fine with himbecause he was enjoying time
with his new friends.
(30:04):
Thank you for listening.
I hope you enjoyed this episodeand I hope you enjoyed the ska
music.
It's just kind of a ska musickind of day.
Let's see.
I got a few updates.
Everything on this podcast andthrough the website is free.
(30:25):
I will be coming out with anewsletter that's going to have
information and stories and bitsmaybe not full stories, but
bits on it.
That will only be availablethrough newsletter subscribers
and, again, that will be free.
I'm not paywalling anything,but there will be different ways
that you can access information.
(30:45):
Now, if you have been listeningand you enjoy this show or you
enjoy the blog posts, there ison the website a link to buy me
a coffee, as well as in the shownotes, and that's a little
different than Patreon.
I don't have a membershipprogram.
You don't have to sign up for amembership or monthly things
(31:06):
like that.
It's really more of a tip jar.
So if you've been enjoying thisshow and you would like to
contribute, I would certainlyappreciate it, but don't feel
like you have to.
Anyway, lots of cool thingscoming down the road and until
next time, please reach out tome if you have questions,
comments, thoughts.
(31:26):
I love hearing from you.
My contact information is inthe show notes.
I am also on Blue Sky andMastodon primarily, and you can
reach me there.
And until next time, be sure toplay nice with others, be super
duper kind to yourself and, asalways, remember to laugh.
(31:48):
Bye, thank you.
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