February 17, 2025 • 31 mins
What happens when Della is thrown into the torture dungeon for refusing to marry the evil King Blaine?
Content Warning: Profanity, References to torture and body horror.
Music:
"Skinny Food Fighters Blues 85" by Won Jong Hwa from Pixabay
Backing tracks for "Be Our Guest" and "Beauty and the Beast" provided by Karaoke-Version.com
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:00):
content, warning for profanity and descriptions of
torture and body horror.
Welcome to episode 45 ofDiscount Storytime, where we're
not afraid to take chances, noteven really really stupid ones.
(00:21):
Today's story is Beauty and theTorture Librarian.
Enjoy, beauty and the TortureLibrarian.
A long time ago, in a farawaykingdom, king Murray ruled for
(00:44):
many years.
Over time he discovered thatbuilding up alliances did more
for his kingdom's defense andsafety than the use of torture.
He eventually closed down thetorture program.
The royal torturer was on theverge of retirement anyway was
(01:07):
on the verge of retirementanyway, so he took an early
retirement and spent the rest ofhis days fly fishing and
spending time with his nephewAdam.
That was ten years ago, andwise King Murray recently passed
and left the throne to his onlyson, prince Blaine.
Unfortunately, when PrinceBlaine returned from royalty
(01:27):
school, he seemed different.
He didn't act like thethoughtful prince he had once
been, but was cruel, demeaningand just an overall jerk face.
One day, prince now King Blainewas exploring his favorite
pastime, writing piggyback onBob, the royal advisor.
(01:51):
While holding onto Bob with onearm, he threw empty beer cans
at widows and orphans.
King Blaine was about to peg anorphany-looking infant when he
saw Della Lane was about to pegan orphan-y looking infant when
he saw Della.
Della had beautiful dark hairand soulful brown eyes.
(02:12):
Her olive skin shone in thewarm spring sun.
She sat at a cafe enjoyingcoffee and a book when she was
hit in the face with an emptycan of natural ice.
When she was hit in the facewith an empty can of natural ice
what the hell?
She looked up and saw the tall,muscular figure of Bob looking
down apologetically.
(02:33):
Um, my lady.
King Blaine wants to say um hi.
Della scrunched her eyes thensaw King Blaine climb down a
tiny ladder sewn onto the backof Bob's uniform.
King Blaine strolled up toDella, grabbed her hand and
(02:55):
licked it.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Ha, I bet you thought you were getting a kiss from
the Blaine Master.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Tell me you love me, me, and maybe I will.
Della pulled her hand away andwiped it off on her napkin.
No, king Blayne's face turnedred.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
What do you mean?
No, Of course you love me.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Everybody loves me and you love me so much.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
We will marry tomorrow.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
I proclaim it, he turned to climb up the bob
ladder.
When Della repeated you are asad, repugnant and spoiled boy.
I do not love you and I willnot marry you.
And spoiled boy, I do not loveyou and I will not marry you.
Good day, sir.
She gave a humph and turned herattention back to her book.
(03:51):
King Blaine slid back down thebob ladder.
His eyes darkened as heapproached Della, grabbed the
book out of her hand, tore outthe pages one by one.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
You just messed up.
You will say you love me, youwill marry me and you, along
with any other hotties I meet,will have my children.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Della, incensed, met King Blaine eye to eye and
grabbed her book.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
And if I don't, you have no choice Guard, guard.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
Bob, who was counting his days to retirement, sighed
yes, your majesty.
Take this wench to the torturedungeon, torture her until she
admits her undying love for me,and tomorrow we wed.
Bob sighed and explained.
(04:58):
Your majesty, the torturedungeon has been shut down for a
decade now.
The king commanded it, and forgood reason, I might add.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Who commanded it?
Speaker 1 (05:13):
King Blaine snarled.
The king had command—.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
Ah, that king is dead idiot.
I'm the king now Reopen it andrehire the torturer Now.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
He has passed your majesty.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
Then make his next of kin do it.
Who would that be?
Speaker 1 (05:39):
I believe his only surviving relative is his nephew
Adam.
He's the one who built thecommunity library.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Whatever Fine, shut down the library as of
immediately and divert all fundsto the torture dungeon.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
King Blaine turned back to Della and you'd better
love me soon, della, and you'dbetter love me soon.
He smiled cruelly, climbed upthe bob ladder and they left.
Della was taken to a dank,musty and dark dungeon so
(06:21):
basically a dungeon.
Wall sconces lit silverycobwebs and cast frightening
shadows.
Della was thrown into a filthycell and the guards left.
She was alone and frightened,but she would not tell that
horrible excuse for a king thatshe loved him or to wed him.
The thought of being married toKing Blaine made her skin crawl.
(06:45):
Oh, oh, what to do?
She looked around for an escape.
Perhaps the cell was sodecrepit that she could use
something to pull the bars apart.
But then what Was?
The dungeon door locked.
And even if she escaped thetorture dungeon, how would she
make it out of the castle?
And even if she escaped thetorture dungeon, how would she
make it out of the castle?
(07:06):
And even if she escaped thecastle, the kingdom probably had
placed a GPS tracker on herhorse-drawn Prius.
No, it was hopeless.
In the shadows, beyond thetorchlight, something shuffled A
(07:30):
while later the dungeon dooropened and a young man entered.
He was tall and lanky, with redhair and a nose that could
double for a ski jump.
He dragged in several enormoustrunks.
Out of breath, he sat on oneand wiped his brow.
He didn't see Della and fellover backwards when she spoke up
(07:51):
.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
Hello, are you?
I know you.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Della said and pointed at him in case it might
be unclear who she was talkingabout.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
You're the librarian.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
The young, awkward man climbed off the ground and
looked.
Then he found his thick glasses, dusted them off and looked
again.
Yes, um, hi, I'm.
I'm Adam.
He of course noticed Adela.
She was an avid reader and wasalways in the library.
He smiled, forgetting all aboutthe current situation.
(08:28):
How did you like the last bookyou checked out?
Speaker 2 (08:33):
What was it again?
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Della smiled.
Despite the awful situation.
It was a joy to talk aboutbooks and reading.
Oh, adventures in Flirting byCoquettish Rodeo Clown.
Della blushed oh, that's asaucy one.
They both laughed.
Adam took a ring of keys he hadbeen given and opened the cell
(08:58):
door.
I just finished WutheringHeights.
Della's face puckered as ifshe'd drank a glass of pickle
juice.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
Oh, I'm sorry, what a piece of trash.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
The worst, the absolute worst, agreed Adam and
shivered.
He handed Della a small bundlewrapped in paper.
I brought sandwiches in caseyou're hungry, Famished thank
you.
Della pointed to the trunksAdam brought in.
What are all these?
(09:34):
Adam opened a trunk that showedcarefully packed books.
When they shut down the libraryto open this place up again, I
grabbed as many books as I couldbefore they took the rest away
to the castle.
Maybe someday I could rebuild.
He trailed off.
Della sat on a trunk next toAdam.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
I'm sorry, the library is or it was a wonderful
place.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
And it's not just the building.
They shut down all the programsto help people Children's story
time, the adult literacycourses.
I was about to start anexpansion service with a
traveling book wagon.
Oh, Della's eyes lit up.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
Oh, that sounds wonderful, oh, I would love
something like that.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
You know, you know so much about books.
You could, if you want, comewith me when I take the book
wagon around.
They both blushed and smiled.
Take the book wagon around.
They both blushed and smiled.
But then Adam remembered.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
Well, we could have taken the book wagon, but King
Blaine screwed it up said Della.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
Adam's eyes widened and he looked around.
You can't say that.
What if someone's listening?
Then Adam said loudly thisisn't the king's fault.
Nothing is the king's fault,ever.
Who is going to hear?
(11:20):
There's just the two of us here.
But as Della said that, sheheard the tiniest rustle amongst
the shadows.
Still, Adam seemed to shrinkaway.
Della stood up.
And if nothing is the king'sfault, then who is to blame for
this mess?
Adam looked up at her andtilted his head.
(11:40):
Della blustered.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Me, me.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
I was taken prisoner for.
Oh, oh, you have got to bekidding me.
Well, from what I hear, youcould have.
No, don't even start, don'ttalk to me, I'll be in my cell
Room, della said and stormedaway.
(12:07):
Then came back and grabbed hersandwich, then stormed away.
That night Della tried to read,but she couldn't concentrate.
What with being trapped in atorture dungeon and what such,
she finally fell into a fitfulsleep Early that next morning,
(12:31):
or what must have been morning,in the depths of darkness she
again heard rustling bumps andvoices.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Um hello.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
She asked, through a dry throat.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Is somebody there?
Speaker 1 (12:48):
Della gasped when she saw a rusty power drill, a
red-hot iron poker and ablood-stained pair of pliers
hopping towards her.
She froze too terrified toscream.
The torture instruments lookedat her with blinking eyes.
Then the power drill spokeBonjour, I am Rusty Drill, and
(13:14):
these are my colleagues HotPoker and Mrs Crotch Pliers.
Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you,ma'am said Mrs Crotch Pliers
and curtsied what is going on?
(13:37):
Della's voice shook.
Rusty Drill smiled.
My cher mademoiselle, it iswith deepest pride and greatest
pleasure that we welcome youhere today.
Now we invite you to relax,strap into a chair as the
dungeon presents your torture.
Be our guest be our guest.
(13:57):
put our skewers to the test.
Tie a stone around your neck,sherry, and we'll provide the
rest.
Ha poker, say bonjour.
We live to unknow.
We leave our guests in stitches, but we're really not malicious
.
We can sing, we can dance.
Interrogation we enhance, andthe torture here is never second
(14:21):
best.
We're the perfect venue totwist some sinew.
Be our guest, be our guest.
Be our guest.
Toes and nails stripped away,or maybe en flambé, we'll
prepare and serve with flair asanguinary cabaret.
You're alone and you're scared,but the table's all prepared.
(14:44):
No one's gloomy or complainingwhile the scalpel's entertaining
.
We tell jokes.
It's the Ritz with my fellowdrill bits and it's all in
perfect taste that you can bear.
Come and lift your glass.
You've won your own free passto be our guest.
If you're stressed, you've wonyour own free pass To be our
guest.
(15:04):
If you're stressed, it'sconfession we suggest.
Be our guest, be our guest, beour guest.
Life is unfulfilling for adriller who's not drilling.
He's not a whore without a soulto drill upon.
All those good old days when wewere useful.
(15:24):
Suddenly, those good old daysare gone.
Ten years we've been rusting,needing so much more than
dusting, needing exercise, achance to use our skills.
Most days, we just lay aroundthe dungeon Flabby, fat and lazy
(15:47):
.
You walked in and oops-a-daisy.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
It's a guest.
It's a guest Sakes alive.
Well, I'm impressed, I'm goingto f*** you up.
I am, I'm going to f*** you up,and then I'm going to take a
s*** and I'm going to shove itin your eye sockets after I rip
off your Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa.
Where the hell did that comefrom?
Speaker 1 (16:07):
Seriously, we had a nice musical number going on
here, and then, like always, MrsCrotch Pliers has to come in
and make everything all weird.
Mrs Crotch Pliers looked downembarrassed.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
Oh, pardon me, I just get so excited sometimes and
it's been a long time since I'vehad some nails to pull out.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
but you have nice nails there, miss um, thank you
della asked shakingly it itsounds like you all do awful
things to people.
Hot Poker stepped up.
Not at all.
We do awful things to awfulpeople.
That is our job.
(16:54):
The others nodded, do you?
Speaker 2 (16:59):
think I'm awful.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Asked Della, hot Poker softened.
It is not for us to say, madam,the torturer decides, but we
haven't seen him in ten years.
Quite a long time for a teabreak, if you ask me.
Hot Poker said with a harumph,yes, where is the torturer?
(17:22):
Asked Rusty Drill.
Della wasn't sure what to saybut decided the truth was always
best.
Her spine went cold when shethought how these things could
probably sniff out lies.
Anyway, I'm sorry to be the oneto tell you, but the torturer
(17:47):
to be the one to tell you, butthe torturer, he died a few
years ago.
I'm so sorry.
The instruments looked to her,then looked down.
Mrs Crotchplier sniffed and HotPoker offered her a rag crusted
with dried blood.
She looked up and asked Della.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
So who is that young man over there?
Speaker 1 (18:06):
Ella.
So who is that young man overthere?
They all looked to see Adamstanding at the cell door
holding two bowls of porridge.
He cleared his throat and saidhere's breakfast.
And what the hell is going on?
Rusty Drill hopped over to Adamwho took a few steps back.
Monsieur, it is a pleasure tomeet you.
You must be the new torturer weare here to serve.
(18:29):
I am Rusty Drill.
This is Hot Poker and, ofcourse, mrs Crotch Players.
Oh, okay, what Adam's headtilted.
Seeing the confusion on Adam'sface, rusty Drill said May I
speak with you privately for onemoment?
(18:50):
They went to a far corner ofthe dungeon and sat.
Rusty Drill began I take it youare not the torturer?
No, I'm a librarian.
I am, or was, the torturer'snephew.
Yesterday the palace guardclosed down the library and told
(19:13):
me to come here and get to work.
Mon dieu, that is not how toproperly run a torture dungeon.
I am sorry to hear of youruncle.
Thank you, we had many goodyears together with the
torturing and what such, becauseI am a drill.
Yeah, I kind of figured thatpart.
(19:35):
But what do I do now, askedAdam.
Well, I think the best thing todo is to start at the beginning
.
So Adam told Rusty Drill allabout the new king and how Della
was to be tortured into tellingKing Blaine she loved him If a
(19:56):
power drill could turn red withanger instead of dried blood.
Rusty did Zuta, lars, this isnot proper torture.
You cannot torture someone intoloving you.
We will not do this.
I don't want to torture anybodyever.
I mean no offense, none.
(20:17):
Take on, mon ami, said Rustyand nodded.
But what can we do?
The king said he wants resultsthis morning.
This morning Now the dungeondoor opened and Royal Advisor
Bob entered.
Hello, adam, just checking into see how it's going.
(20:37):
King Blaine is demandingimmediate results.
Adam hurried over to Bob GreatThings are going.
Great with the torture.
He looked over to Della and sawthat Mrs Crotchpliers was
painting Della's nails and anIron Maiden was braiding her
(20:58):
hair.
Great with the torture.
Adam said again loudly.
Della, seeing Bob, cried out.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
Oh, no, oh the torture, oh deary me.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
Bob pulled Adam aside .
Listen, Adam, I don't like this, Not at all.
But if Della doesn't professher love for King Blaine and
marry him this morning, well,you are to be executed for
failure.
What?
Two bowls of porridge smashedto the ground.
(21:36):
Della rushed over and askedwhat's wrong?
Bob took Della's shoulders.
You must profess your love forKing Blaine right away.
She crossed her arms and saidno, never.
Bob started to argue, but thenAdam stopped him.
It's okay, della doesn't haveto.
(22:00):
I understand what will happen.
Just then King Blaine strode in.
Speaker 2 (22:09):
I'll bow to your king .
Speaker 1 (22:12):
They all bowed their heads low.
King Blaine sauntered over toDella and cupped her chin.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
You may rise.
And how is my bride thismorning Blushing?
Speaker 1 (22:27):
I assume he smiled then coughed in her face
Seriously, dude, cover yourmouth.
I don't love you and I willnever marry you.
Death first Della glared at him.
King Blaine squeezed her cheek.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
Oh yes, If that's how you want to play it, there will
be death first.
Where is this so-called torturelibrarian For?
He is to be put to death.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Everyone gasped.
Adam stepped forward and KingBlaine grinned.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
You failed to get my fiancée to say she loves me,
which she clearly does.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
Adam was looking at him oddly.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Why are you staring at your king like a weirdo?
Speaker 1 (23:22):
Adam asked who the hell are you?
Speaker 2 (23:26):
Everyone gasped I am your king fool.
Who do you think you are toquestion me?
You're just some lowlifepeasant I've never met before.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
Never met before I grew up with Prince Blade.
Our families were close.
I hadn't seen him since he leftfor royalty school and I'm not
looking at him now.
You are an imposter.
Everyone gasped, flustered.
(24:00):
King Blaine ordered Adam'simmediate execution.
And for everyone to stop withthe gasping, adam stood up
straight and confidently steppedforward.
If you are truly King Blaine,what is your father's name?
Speaker 2 (24:20):
King Murray.
Everybody knows that.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
But beads of sweat danced on King Blaine's forehead
.
Okay but what is your father'sfull name?
Speaker 2 (24:32):
Arrest this man bellowed King Blaine.
Speaker 1 (24:38):
I'd prefer to hear your answer first.
My lord said Bob now toweringover Blaine.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
His full name was His .
His name was His His name was.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
Blaine turned to run, but Bob easily grabbed the nape
of his neck.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Fine, fine, fine.
I give up, I'm not the king.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
Everyone gasped when is our king Bob growled?
Speaker 2 (25:14):
My gang of highway robbers ambushed his stagecoach
as he was returning from royaltyschool.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
An oily smile slid into his face.
The prince to his face theprince.
He's still alive.
I decided to see how long Icould deceive you fools, and it
went better than planned.
I hold your prince hostage at alocation only I know Bob raised
(25:50):
the imposter a few more feet inthe air.
Tell me where our king is now.
The imposter giggled.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
No, give me everything I want, including
this kingdom's merchandisingrights, Then maybe I'll tell you
.
Otherwise you can't get it outof me.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Bob smiled darkly.
He had clearly seen and donethings in his life.
Okay, have it your way.
If you won't tell us, there'snothing I can do.
If you won't tell us there'snothing I can do.
The imposter laughedtriumphantly.
But then Bob said but we haverecently reopened our torture
(26:40):
dungeon by your own command.
I can't get the information outof you, but they can.
The imposter's eyes turned toexcited little hopping sounds.
(27:02):
Rusty Drill spoke first.
Monsieur Bob, we will be happyto assist in your endeavor.
Oh, I was hoping so.
Bob turned to Adam Mandela.
Adam, thank you for revealingthis imposter.
I will ensure that all thebooks get properly returned to
your now open library.
And, della, I'm sorry for howyou were treated.
(27:24):
I should have spoken up sooner.
That was wrong of me and I hopeto set things right when our
real king returns.
Now you two should get out ofhere.
My new friends and I have workto do.
Adam and Della said goodbye toRusty Drill, hot Poker and Mrs
(27:47):
Crotchpliers, who waspractically salivating Outside.
Della and Adam walked towardsthe cafe for much-needed coffee.
The morning sun glittered onthe lake.
Oh yeah, the kingdom is by alake.
Della turned to Adam.
(28:09):
So does your book wagon dealstill stand.
Adam startled Absolutely, if youstill want to join me?
Della took his hand, nodded andthen, with a mischievous grin,
said but there's one book thatwon't be going.
(28:31):
With that she threw WutheringHeights far into the lake and it
sank to the bottom, where itbelongs.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
They laughed and laughed, and laughed, then held
hands and walked off then heldhands and walked off Like the BO
on a barbarian or the stench ofcarrion Beauty and the Torture
(29:08):
Librarian.
Off to the end.
Credits with you now, beforeDisney sues me into oblivion.
Good night, love.
Speaker 1 (29:37):
Thank you for listening.
I hope you enjoyed today'sstory, even though there was, oh
, my attempt at singing, but Ihad fun doing it.
I hope you enjoyed it and, ifyou did, please think about
referring this show to a friendor you know an enemy, depending
on how you feel about the showand reach out to me.
(30:00):
I have my contact informationin the show notes.
I'd love to hear from you anduntil next time, be sure to play
nice with others, be superduper, kind to yourself and, as
always, remember to laugh.
Bye.
content, warning for profanity and descriptions of
torture and body horror.
Welcome to episode 45 ofDiscount Storytime, where we're
not afraid to take chances, noteven really really stupid ones.
(00:21):
Today's story is Beauty and theTorture Librarian.
Enjoy, beauty and the TortureLibrarian.
A long time ago, in a farawaykingdom, king Murray ruled for
(00:44):
many years.
Over time he discovered thatbuilding up alliances did more
for his kingdom's defense andsafety than the use of torture.
He eventually closed down thetorture program.
The royal torturer was on theverge of retirement anyway was
(01:07):
on the verge of retirementanyway, so he took an early
retirement and spent the rest ofhis days fly fishing and
spending time with his nephewAdam.
That was ten years ago, andwise King Murray recently passed
and left the throne to his onlyson, prince Blaine.
Unfortunately, when PrinceBlaine returned from royalty
(01:27):
school, he seemed different.
He didn't act like thethoughtful prince he had once
been, but was cruel, demeaningand just an overall jerk face.
One day, prince now King Blainewas exploring his favorite
pastime, writing piggyback onBob, the royal advisor.
(01:51):
While holding onto Bob with onearm, he threw empty beer cans
at widows and orphans.
King Blaine was about to peg anorphany-looking infant when he
saw Della Lane was about to pegan orphan-y looking infant when
he saw Della.
Della had beautiful dark hairand soulful brown eyes.
(02:12):
Her olive skin shone in thewarm spring sun.
She sat at a cafe enjoyingcoffee and a book when she was
hit in the face with an emptycan of natural ice.
When she was hit in the facewith an empty can of natural ice
what the hell?
She looked up and saw the tall,muscular figure of Bob looking
down apologetically.
(02:33):
Um, my lady.
King Blaine wants to say um hi.
Della scrunched her eyes thensaw King Blaine climb down a
tiny ladder sewn onto the backof Bob's uniform.
King Blaine strolled up toDella, grabbed her hand and
(02:55):
licked it.
Speaker 2 (02:56):
Ha, I bet you thought you were getting a kiss from
the Blaine Master.
Speaker 1 (03:10):
Tell me you love me, me, and maybe I will.
Della pulled her hand away andwiped it off on her napkin.
No, king Blayne's face turnedred.
Speaker 2 (03:17):
What do you mean?
No, Of course you love me.
Speaker 1 (03:22):
Everybody loves me and you love me so much.
Speaker 2 (03:28):
We will marry tomorrow.
Speaker 1 (03:31):
I proclaim it, he turned to climb up the bob
ladder.
When Della repeated you are asad, repugnant and spoiled boy.
I do not love you and I willnot marry you.
And spoiled boy, I do not loveyou and I will not marry you.
Good day, sir.
She gave a humph and turned herattention back to her book.
(03:51):
King Blaine slid back down thebob ladder.
His eyes darkened as heapproached Della, grabbed the
book out of her hand, tore outthe pages one by one.
Speaker 2 (04:07):
You just messed up.
You will say you love me, youwill marry me and you, along
with any other hotties I meet,will have my children.
Speaker 1 (04:23):
Della, incensed, met King Blaine eye to eye and
grabbed her book.
Speaker 2 (04:29):
And if I don't, you have no choice Guard, guard.
Speaker 1 (04:36):
Bob, who was counting his days to retirement, sighed
yes, your majesty.
Take this wench to the torturedungeon, torture her until she
admits her undying love for me,and tomorrow we wed.
Bob sighed and explained.
(04:58):
Your majesty, the torturedungeon has been shut down for a
decade now.
The king commanded it, and forgood reason, I might add.
Speaker 2 (05:10):
Who commanded it?
Speaker 1 (05:13):
King Blaine snarled.
The king had command—.
Speaker 2 (05:18):
Ah, that king is dead idiot.
I'm the king now Reopen it andrehire the torturer Now.
Speaker 1 (05:31):
He has passed your majesty.
Speaker 2 (05:33):
Then make his next of kin do it.
Who would that be?
Speaker 1 (05:39):
I believe his only surviving relative is his nephew
Adam.
He's the one who built thecommunity library.
Speaker 2 (05:47):
Whatever Fine, shut down the library as of
immediately and divert all fundsto the torture dungeon.
Speaker 1 (05:57):
King Blaine turned back to Della and you'd better
love me soon, della, and you'dbetter love me soon.
He smiled cruelly, climbed upthe bob ladder and they left.
Della was taken to a dank,musty and dark dungeon so
(06:21):
basically a dungeon.
Wall sconces lit silverycobwebs and cast frightening
shadows.
Della was thrown into a filthycell and the guards left.
She was alone and frightened,but she would not tell that
horrible excuse for a king thatshe loved him or to wed him.
The thought of being married toKing Blaine made her skin crawl.
(06:45):
Oh, oh, what to do?
She looked around for an escape.
Perhaps the cell was sodecrepit that she could use
something to pull the bars apart.
But then what Was?
The dungeon door locked.
And even if she escaped thetorture dungeon, how would she
make it out of the castle?
And even if she escaped thetorture dungeon, how would she
make it out of the castle?
(07:06):
And even if she escaped thecastle, the kingdom probably had
placed a GPS tracker on herhorse-drawn Prius.
No, it was hopeless.
In the shadows, beyond thetorchlight, something shuffled A
(07:30):
while later the dungeon dooropened and a young man entered.
He was tall and lanky, with redhair and a nose that could
double for a ski jump.
He dragged in several enormoustrunks.
Out of breath, he sat on oneand wiped his brow.
He didn't see Della and fellover backwards when she spoke up
(07:51):
.
Speaker 2 (07:53):
Hello, are you?
I know you.
Speaker 1 (07:57):
Della said and pointed at him in case it might
be unclear who she was talkingabout.
Speaker 2 (08:02):
You're the librarian.
Speaker 1 (08:06):
The young, awkward man climbed off the ground and
looked.
Then he found his thick glasses, dusted them off and looked
again.
Yes, um, hi, I'm.
I'm Adam.
He of course noticed Adela.
She was an avid reader and wasalways in the library.
He smiled, forgetting all aboutthe current situation.
(08:28):
How did you like the last bookyou checked out?
Speaker 2 (08:33):
What was it again?
Speaker 1 (08:35):
Della smiled.
Despite the awful situation.
It was a joy to talk aboutbooks and reading.
Oh, adventures in Flirting byCoquettish Rodeo Clown.
Della blushed oh, that's asaucy one.
They both laughed.
Adam took a ring of keys he hadbeen given and opened the cell
(08:58):
door.
I just finished WutheringHeights.
Della's face puckered as ifshe'd drank a glass of pickle
juice.
Speaker 2 (09:09):
Oh, I'm sorry, what a piece of trash.
Speaker 1 (09:14):
The worst, the absolute worst, agreed Adam and
shivered.
He handed Della a small bundlewrapped in paper.
I brought sandwiches in caseyou're hungry, Famished thank
you.
Della pointed to the trunksAdam brought in.
What are all these?
(09:34):
Adam opened a trunk that showedcarefully packed books.
When they shut down the libraryto open this place up again, I
grabbed as many books as I couldbefore they took the rest away
to the castle.
Maybe someday I could rebuild.
He trailed off.
Della sat on a trunk next toAdam.
Speaker 2 (09:59):
I'm sorry, the library is or it was a wonderful
place.
Speaker 1 (10:07):
And it's not just the building.
They shut down all the programsto help people Children's story
time, the adult literacycourses.
I was about to start anexpansion service with a
traveling book wagon.
Oh, Della's eyes lit up.
Speaker 2 (10:24):
Oh, that sounds wonderful, oh, I would love
something like that.
Speaker 1 (10:30):
You know, you know so much about books.
You could, if you want, comewith me when I take the book
wagon around.
They both blushed and smiled.
Take the book wagon around.
They both blushed and smiled.
But then Adam remembered.
Speaker 2 (10:52):
Well, we could have taken the book wagon, but King
Blaine screwed it up said Della.
Speaker 1 (10:56):
Adam's eyes widened and he looked around.
You can't say that.
What if someone's listening?
Then Adam said loudly thisisn't the king's fault.
Nothing is the king's fault,ever.
Who is going to hear?
(11:20):
There's just the two of us here.
But as Della said that, sheheard the tiniest rustle amongst
the shadows.
Still, Adam seemed to shrinkaway.
Della stood up.
And if nothing is the king'sfault, then who is to blame for
this mess?
Adam looked up at her andtilted his head.
(11:40):
Della blustered.
Speaker 2 (11:45):
Me, me.
Speaker 1 (11:46):
I was taken prisoner for.
Oh, oh, you have got to bekidding me.
Well, from what I hear, youcould have.
No, don't even start, don'ttalk to me, I'll be in my cell
Room, della said and stormedaway.
(12:07):
Then came back and grabbed hersandwich, then stormed away.
That night Della tried to read,but she couldn't concentrate.
What with being trapped in atorture dungeon and what such,
she finally fell into a fitfulsleep Early that next morning,
(12:31):
or what must have been morning,in the depths of darkness she
again heard rustling bumps andvoices.
Speaker 2 (12:40):
Um hello.
Speaker 1 (12:42):
She asked, through a dry throat.
Speaker 2 (12:45):
Is somebody there?
Speaker 1 (12:48):
Della gasped when she saw a rusty power drill, a
red-hot iron poker and ablood-stained pair of pliers
hopping towards her.
She froze too terrified toscream.
The torture instruments lookedat her with blinking eyes.
Then the power drill spokeBonjour, I am Rusty Drill, and
(13:14):
these are my colleagues HotPoker and Mrs Crotch Pliers.
Oh, it's a pleasure to meet you,ma'am said Mrs Crotch Pliers
and curtsied what is going on?
(13:37):
Della's voice shook.
Rusty Drill smiled.
My cher mademoiselle, it iswith deepest pride and greatest
pleasure that we welcome youhere today.
Now we invite you to relax,strap into a chair as the
dungeon presents your torture.
Be our guest be our guest.
(13:57):
put our skewers to the test.
Tie a stone around your neck,sherry, and we'll provide the
rest.
Ha poker, say bonjour.
We live to unknow.
We leave our guests in stitches, but we're really not malicious
.
We can sing, we can dance.
Interrogation we enhance, andthe torture here is never second
(14:21):
best.
We're the perfect venue totwist some sinew.
Be our guest, be our guest.
Be our guest.
Toes and nails stripped away,or maybe en flambé, we'll
prepare and serve with flair asanguinary cabaret.
You're alone and you're scared,but the table's all prepared.
(14:44):
No one's gloomy or complainingwhile the scalpel's entertaining
.
We tell jokes.
It's the Ritz with my fellowdrill bits and it's all in
perfect taste that you can bear.
Come and lift your glass.
You've won your own free passto be our guest.
If you're stressed, you've wonyour own free pass To be our
guest.
(15:04):
If you're stressed, it'sconfession we suggest.
Be our guest, be our guest, beour guest.
Life is unfulfilling for adriller who's not drilling.
He's not a whore without a soulto drill upon.
All those good old days when wewere useful.
(15:24):
Suddenly, those good old daysare gone.
Ten years we've been rusting,needing so much more than
dusting, needing exercise, achance to use our skills.
Most days, we just lay aroundthe dungeon Flabby, fat and lazy
(15:47):
.
You walked in and oops-a-daisy.
Speaker 2 (15:49):
It's a guest.
It's a guest Sakes alive.
Well, I'm impressed, I'm goingto f*** you up.
I am, I'm going to f*** you up,and then I'm going to take a
s*** and I'm going to shove itin your eye sockets after I rip
off your Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,whoa.
Where the hell did that comefrom?
Speaker 1 (16:07):
Seriously, we had a nice musical number going on
here, and then, like always, MrsCrotch Pliers has to come in
and make everything all weird.
Mrs Crotch Pliers looked downembarrassed.
Speaker 2 (16:28):
Oh, pardon me, I just get so excited sometimes and
it's been a long time since I'vehad some nails to pull out.
Speaker 1 (16:33):
but you have nice nails there, miss um, thank you
della asked shakingly it itsounds like you all do awful
things to people.
Hot Poker stepped up.
Not at all.
We do awful things to awfulpeople.
That is our job.
(16:54):
The others nodded, do you?
Speaker 2 (16:59):
think I'm awful.
Speaker 1 (17:01):
Asked Della, hot Poker softened.
It is not for us to say, madam,the torturer decides, but we
haven't seen him in ten years.
Quite a long time for a teabreak, if you ask me.
Hot Poker said with a harumph,yes, where is the torturer?
(17:22):
Asked Rusty Drill.
Della wasn't sure what to saybut decided the truth was always
best.
Her spine went cold when shethought how these things could
probably sniff out lies.
Anyway, I'm sorry to be the oneto tell you, but the torturer
(17:47):
to be the one to tell you, butthe torturer, he died a few
years ago.
I'm so sorry.
The instruments looked to her,then looked down.
Mrs Crotchplier sniffed and HotPoker offered her a rag crusted
with dried blood.
She looked up and asked Della.
Speaker 2 (17:59):
So who is that young man over there?
Speaker 1 (18:06):
Ella.
So who is that young man overthere?
They all looked to see Adamstanding at the cell door
holding two bowls of porridge.
He cleared his throat and saidhere's breakfast.
And what the hell is going on?
Rusty Drill hopped over to Adamwho took a few steps back.
Monsieur, it is a pleasure tomeet you.
You must be the new torturer weare here to serve.
(18:29):
I am Rusty Drill.
This is Hot Poker and, ofcourse, mrs Crotch Players.
Oh, okay, what Adam's headtilted.
Seeing the confusion on Adam'sface, rusty Drill said May I
speak with you privately for onemoment?
(18:50):
They went to a far corner ofthe dungeon and sat.
Rusty Drill began I take it youare not the torturer?
No, I'm a librarian.
I am, or was, the torturer'snephew.
Yesterday the palace guardclosed down the library and told
(19:13):
me to come here and get to work.
Mon dieu, that is not how toproperly run a torture dungeon.
I am sorry to hear of youruncle.
Thank you, we had many goodyears together with the
torturing and what such, becauseI am a drill.
Yeah, I kind of figured thatpart.
(19:35):
But what do I do now, askedAdam.
Well, I think the best thing todo is to start at the beginning
.
So Adam told Rusty Drill allabout the new king and how Della
was to be tortured into tellingKing Blaine she loved him If a
(19:56):
power drill could turn red withanger instead of dried blood.
Rusty did Zuta, lars, this isnot proper torture.
You cannot torture someone intoloving you.
We will not do this.
I don't want to torture anybodyever.
I mean no offense, none.
(20:17):
Take on, mon ami, said Rustyand nodded.
But what can we do?
The king said he wants resultsthis morning.
This morning Now the dungeondoor opened and Royal Advisor
Bob entered.
Hello, adam, just checking into see how it's going.
(20:37):
King Blaine is demandingimmediate results.
Adam hurried over to Bob GreatThings are going.
Great with the torture.
He looked over to Della and sawthat Mrs Crotchpliers was
painting Della's nails and anIron Maiden was braiding her
(20:58):
hair.
Great with the torture.
Adam said again loudly.
Della, seeing Bob, cried out.
Speaker 2 (21:08):
Oh, no, oh the torture, oh deary me.
Speaker 1 (21:12):
Bob pulled Adam aside .
Listen, Adam, I don't like this, Not at all.
But if Della doesn't professher love for King Blaine and
marry him this morning, well,you are to be executed for
failure.
What?
Two bowls of porridge smashedto the ground.
(21:36):
Della rushed over and askedwhat's wrong?
Bob took Della's shoulders.
You must profess your love forKing Blaine right away.
She crossed her arms and saidno, never.
Bob started to argue, but thenAdam stopped him.
It's okay, della doesn't haveto.
(22:00):
I understand what will happen.
Just then King Blaine strode in.
Speaker 2 (22:09):
I'll bow to your king .
Speaker 1 (22:12):
They all bowed their heads low.
King Blaine sauntered over toDella and cupped her chin.
Speaker 2 (22:20):
You may rise.
And how is my bride thismorning Blushing?
Speaker 1 (22:27):
I assume he smiled then coughed in her face
Seriously, dude, cover yourmouth.
I don't love you and I willnever marry you.
Death first Della glared at him.
King Blaine squeezed her cheek.
Speaker 2 (22:47):
Oh yes, If that's how you want to play it, there will
be death first.
Where is this so-called torturelibrarian For?
He is to be put to death.
Speaker 1 (23:00):
Everyone gasped.
Adam stepped forward and KingBlaine grinned.
Speaker 2 (23:06):
You failed to get my fiancée to say she loves me,
which she clearly does.
Speaker 1 (23:14):
Adam was looking at him oddly.
Speaker 2 (23:16):
Why are you staring at your king like a weirdo?
Speaker 1 (23:22):
Adam asked who the hell are you?
Speaker 2 (23:26):
Everyone gasped I am your king fool.
Who do you think you are toquestion me?
You're just some lowlifepeasant I've never met before.
Speaker 1 (23:39):
Never met before I grew up with Prince Blade.
Our families were close.
I hadn't seen him since he leftfor royalty school and I'm not
looking at him now.
You are an imposter.
Everyone gasped, flustered.
(24:00):
King Blaine ordered Adam'simmediate execution.
And for everyone to stop withthe gasping, adam stood up
straight and confidently steppedforward.
If you are truly King Blaine,what is your father's name?
Speaker 2 (24:20):
King Murray.
Everybody knows that.
Speaker 1 (24:23):
But beads of sweat danced on King Blaine's forehead
.
Okay but what is your father'sfull name?
Speaker 2 (24:32):
Arrest this man bellowed King Blaine.
Speaker 1 (24:38):
I'd prefer to hear your answer first.
My lord said Bob now toweringover Blaine.
Speaker 2 (24:46):
His full name was His .
His name was His His name was.
Speaker 1 (24:53):
Blaine turned to run, but Bob easily grabbed the nape
of his neck.
Speaker 2 (24:58):
Fine, fine, fine.
I give up, I'm not the king.
Speaker 1 (25:05):
Everyone gasped when is our king Bob growled?
Speaker 2 (25:14):
My gang of highway robbers ambushed his stagecoach
as he was returning from royaltyschool.
Speaker 1 (25:23):
An oily smile slid into his face.
The prince to his face theprince.
He's still alive.
I decided to see how long Icould deceive you fools, and it
went better than planned.
I hold your prince hostage at alocation only I know Bob raised
(25:50):
the imposter a few more feet inthe air.
Tell me where our king is now.
The imposter giggled.
Speaker 2 (26:08):
No, give me everything I want, including
this kingdom's merchandisingrights, Then maybe I'll tell you
.
Otherwise you can't get it outof me.
Speaker 1 (26:17):
Bob smiled darkly.
He had clearly seen and donethings in his life.
Okay, have it your way.
If you won't tell us, there'snothing I can do.
If you won't tell us there'snothing I can do.
The imposter laughedtriumphantly.
But then Bob said but we haverecently reopened our torture
(26:40):
dungeon by your own command.
I can't get the information outof you, but they can.
The imposter's eyes turned toexcited little hopping sounds.
(27:02):
Rusty Drill spoke first.
Monsieur Bob, we will be happyto assist in your endeavor.
Oh, I was hoping so.
Bob turned to Adam Mandela.
Adam, thank you for revealingthis imposter.
I will ensure that all thebooks get properly returned to
your now open library.
And, della, I'm sorry for howyou were treated.
(27:24):
I should have spoken up sooner.
That was wrong of me and I hopeto set things right when our
real king returns.
Now you two should get out ofhere.
My new friends and I have workto do.
Adam and Della said goodbye toRusty Drill, hot Poker and Mrs
(27:47):
Crotchpliers, who waspractically salivating Outside.
Della and Adam walked towardsthe cafe for much-needed coffee.
The morning sun glittered onthe lake.
Oh yeah, the kingdom is by alake.
Della turned to Adam.
(28:09):
So does your book wagon dealstill stand.
Adam startled Absolutely, if youstill want to join me?
Della took his hand, nodded andthen, with a mischievous grin,
said but there's one book thatwon't be going.
(28:31):
With that she threw WutheringHeights far into the lake and it
sank to the bottom, where itbelongs.
Speaker 2 (28:41):
They laughed and laughed, and laughed, then held
hands and walked off then heldhands and walked off Like the BO
on a barbarian or the stench ofcarrion Beauty and the Torture
(29:08):
Librarian.
Off to the end.
Credits with you now, beforeDisney sues me into oblivion.
Good night, love.
Speaker 1 (29:37):
Thank you for listening.
I hope you enjoyed today'sstory, even though there was, oh
, my attempt at singing, but Ihad fun doing it.
I hope you enjoyed it and, ifyou did, please think about
referring this show to a friendor you know an enemy, depending
on how you feel about the showand reach out to me.
(30:00):
I have my contact informationin the show notes.
I'd love to hear from you anduntil next time, be sure to play
nice with others, be superduper, kind to yourself and, as
always, remember to laugh.
Bye.
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