January 27, 2025 • 12 mins
In this story I answer what millions of listeners seem to want to know most, what is dinner conversation like at my home? Enjoy!
Content warning for profanity.
Music: "Skinny Food Fighters Blues 85" by Won Jong Hwa from Pixabay
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Thanks!
Coffee
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Coffee (00:06):
This is Coffee McCann, and welcome to episode 41 of
Discount Storytime literature'sfinest dumpster fire.
Today's story is Dinner Talk,enjoy.
Lately, millions of DiscountStorytime fans have asked what a
typical dinner conversation islike at my home.
(00:26):
First, stop asking, that'screepy.
Second, I'll tell you.
Last week, for example, Ienjoyed a lovely dinner with my
wife, tina, and our two children, faye and Turner.
I had gone to a job interviewthat morning and was sure
everyone wanted to hear about it.
(00:47):
We held hands and while Tinasaid grace, I pictured badgers
with little samurai swords andwondered why do they have swords
?
What are their plans?
Are they good or evil badgers?
Then we started dinner and Iprepared for the barrage of
questions about my job interview.
(01:08):
But Turner blurted out I got aB on my history test.
I was worried I wouldn't do sogood, but all that studying paid
off and he smiled proudly yeah,turner, way to make everything
about yourself.
Just over a B.
Then Faye jumped in with thislong-ass story about how she
(01:31):
found a wounded bird on theplayground and suggested the
class care for it as a classproject.
The teachers thought that was awonderful idea and Faye was so
kind and considerate and blah,blah, whatever man, that kid can
talk.
Tina's eyes lit up whilelistening to their stories and
(01:52):
even did a little hand clap whenFaye said the bird's wing was
already starting to move alittle.
Then Tina droned on about howproud she was of Faye and Turner
and asked me what I thought ofour wonderful children.
I think my job interview todaywent well.
I started finally getting aword in.
(02:13):
Tina's eyes squinted oh, that'sright.
I guess I was focused onsupporting our children.
She said in that we're going totalk about this later voice.
Yeah, I think it went well.
I continued refusing to cedeconversation territory.
(02:34):
Everyone sighed and tucked intotheir dinner.
Turner, who's 12, offered tocook dinner tonight and made
pizza bites, boxed mac andcheese and steamed broccoli.
Where was your interview at,dad, faye asked.
She popped a piping hot pizzabite into her mouth, blew out
(02:56):
hot air and fanned her mouth.
A moment later Tina did thesame thing.
So you can guess where Faye gotit from.
Oh, it was at.
Can you pass the pepper please,fay asked Tina.
I sighed while Fay passed itover.
It was at Manny AcquisitionsInc over on Industrial Boulevard
(03:19):
.
They're looking for a seniorclerical administrator.
Is being a senior clericaladministrator?
Exciting Dad Asked Turner whowas adding pepper to his own mac
and cheese.
Well, most people think it wouldbe a dull job, and they're
right, I said, and Turnerlaughed it's not exciting, but
(03:42):
it's the kind of work I like.
It's not exciting, but it's thekind of work I like.
What sort of questions did theyask?
You asked Faye taking back thepepper.
Oh, the usual stuff About mywork, history, and a bunch of
questions about administrativeprocedures, I guess to make sure
(04:03):
I know what I'm doing and thatall went fine, I think.
But sure I know what I'm doingand that all went fine, I think.
But I felt a bit underdressed.
I should have worn a tie, likeyou said, honey.
I took a bite of mac and cheeseand pretty good for Turner's
first try.
So I told him that.
Oh, I'm sure it was fine, dear,said Tina.
(04:26):
I shrugged my shoulders.
My interviewers all wore blackcloaks.
Oh, then they took me to theDungeon of Trials.
A dish clanked when Tinadropped her fork.
What?
Everyone was now staring at me.
So I continued yeah, there wasthis.
Okay, get this a bookshelf.
And if you pulled the rightbook it slid open and beyond it
(04:51):
was a catacomb.
So I told them.
I also have a bookcase thatopens to a secret catacomb, like
that.
Tina rolled her eyes.
I looked directly at Tina andsaid they asked me if I really
did.
But I remembered this was a jobinterview and to be honest, so
(05:15):
I had to say no, I don't reallyhave one because my mean wife
won't let me.
Tina stared at me and slowlychewed her pizza bite then said
Did you tell them why I keepsaying no?
No, I sulked.
(05:35):
Tina repeated for the zillionthtime Because it's too expensive
and God only knows what youwould use it for.
Turner quietly leaned over andwhispered that's okay, dad.
Mom tells me that all the timetoo.
(05:56):
And he patted my arm.
Faye asked for the salt and Ipassed it to her and she began
salting her broccoli with vigor.
And Tina said that's enoughsalt, faye.
I read it's bad for yourkidneys.
Go on, honey.
(06:16):
What about this Catacombs?
Oh yeah, they were lit bytorches and led down to the
Dungeon of Trials, I said.
Then tried the steamed broccoliA little overcooked for my
liking, but good attempt, Ithought.
Liking, but good attempt.
I thought Well, what did theydo to you?
Tina asked with a waveringvoice oh, now she's interested
(06:38):
in how my day went.
I salted my broccoli and saidwe walked for a long time.
Then we finally made it to theDungeon of Trials and they took
my blindfold off.
Oh yeah, they blindfolded me.
The broccoli was much betterwith salt, kidneys or not.
Everyone was wearing black robes, except for a few with red
(07:00):
robes and one enormous guy in agold robe.
Also, they all wore either goator wolf masks.
Tina and the kids gasped.
I continued.
Someone took a bunch of my bodymeasurements.
They said it was to make somesort of ritual suit and I will
(07:22):
have to sign a non-disclosureagreement before they say what
the suit is made of, so I can'ttell you.
Faye shrugged and poppedanother pizza bite, but Turner
looked genuinely disappointed.
Then I stood on a large roundplatter that wriggled back and
forth like the agitation cyclein a clothes washer, but when it
(07:45):
was done they took mytemperature every two minutes
for about a half hour.
Did they say anything?
Tina asked with wide eyes.
No, everyone spoke in muffledwhispers and it didn't sound
like English or really anycommon language.
It was more guttural, I guess.
(08:06):
What does guttural mean, askedFaye?
It means they sound like AuntPhoebe, said Turner, and they
both snickered Kids snapped.
Tina then thought for a minuteYou're not wrong, but still Go
on about the dungeon.
(08:27):
Then they had me go into a smalltube and told me to crawl
through it as fast as I could.
So I crawled through it as fastas I could, mostly because
something chased me.
But the tube was too small tolook back and see.
And there were all these turns.
Oh, pass the ranch dressingplease.
We all held up our forks andsaid, yay, ranch.
(08:51):
It's a silly thing we dobecause we all love ranch
dressing.
Okay, once I got to the end ofthe tube I heard snarling and a
loud clank, so maybe some sortof gate closed.
Tina asked for the ranchdressing and we again held up
(09:12):
our forks and said, yay, ranch.
Ed never gets old.
When I reached over to hand herthe dressing, tina saw all the
bloody bandages on my forearmand her eyebrows shot up.
What the hell are those?
Oh, that's from the blood drawsand skin biopsies and leeches.
(09:34):
Tina asked are you sure this jobis safe?
I don't know.
I mean the money would be nice.
The base salary is six figures.
Tina shook her head.
Well, I don't know.
This sounds pretty dangerous.
I continued Plus five weeks paidvacation and 401k matching.
(09:58):
And check this out.
They do 100% employer matchingon Faye and Turner's college
savings accounts.
How cool is that?
But, like you said, it soundspretty dangerous.
Tina lit out a squeal thatstartled all of us, making Faye
spill her water.
What, yeah?
(10:20):
Starting with my first paycheck,tina was giddy what are you
doing sitting there, get offyour ass and call whoever you
need to and beg for that goddamnjob.
So that's what I did.
Well, I tried calling, but gottheir voicemail.
It was a little hard leaving aserious message with the sight
(10:42):
of Tina dancing in the kitchen.
They called back the next dayand said Dark Lord Blizzard will
select his offering withinthree days.
But if I didn't hear back afterfive business days to shoot
Cassie an email, well, mannyAcquisitions Incorporated wound
up hiring someone else, and itwas probably a good thing
(11:06):
because they shut down afterbodies started turning up.
Oh, and Turner had madechocolate pudding for dessert
that night, but we were out ofCool Whip, which was a shame the
End night, but we were out ofCool Whip, which was a shame the
end.
Thank you for listening and Ihope you enjoyed hearing about a
typical dinner conversation atmy home.
(11:26):
If you did, please tell afriend.
And if any dark overlords arehiring willing human sacrifices.
My best friend, stan, islooking for part-time work, but
he needs Tuesdays off.
And until next time, play nicewith others, be super duper kind
(11:46):
to yourself and, as always,remember to laugh.
Bye, thank you.
This is Coffee McCann, and welcome to episode 41 of
Discount Storytime literature'sfinest dumpster fire.
Today's story is Dinner Talk,enjoy.
Lately, millions of DiscountStorytime fans have asked what a
typical dinner conversation islike at my home.
(00:26):
First, stop asking, that'screepy.
Second, I'll tell you.
Last week, for example, Ienjoyed a lovely dinner with my
wife, tina, and our two children, faye and Turner.
I had gone to a job interviewthat morning and was sure
everyone wanted to hear about it.
(00:47):
We held hands and while Tinasaid grace, I pictured badgers
with little samurai swords andwondered why do they have swords
?
What are their plans?
Are they good or evil badgers?
Then we started dinner and Iprepared for the barrage of
questions about my job interview.
(01:08):
But Turner blurted out I got aB on my history test.
I was worried I wouldn't do sogood, but all that studying paid
off and he smiled proudly yeah,turner, way to make everything
about yourself.
Just over a B.
Then Faye jumped in with thislong-ass story about how she
(01:31):
found a wounded bird on theplayground and suggested the
class care for it as a classproject.
The teachers thought that was awonderful idea and Faye was so
kind and considerate and blah,blah, whatever man, that kid can
talk.
Tina's eyes lit up whilelistening to their stories and
(01:52):
even did a little hand clap whenFaye said the bird's wing was
already starting to move alittle.
Then Tina droned on about howproud she was of Faye and Turner
and asked me what I thought ofour wonderful children.
I think my job interview todaywent well.
I started finally getting aword in.
(02:13):
Tina's eyes squinted oh, that'sright.
I guess I was focused onsupporting our children.
She said in that we're going totalk about this later voice.
Yeah, I think it went well.
I continued refusing to cedeconversation territory.
(02:34):
Everyone sighed and tucked intotheir dinner.
Turner, who's 12, offered tocook dinner tonight and made
pizza bites, boxed mac andcheese and steamed broccoli.
Where was your interview at,dad, faye asked.
She popped a piping hot pizzabite into her mouth, blew out
(02:56):
hot air and fanned her mouth.
A moment later Tina did thesame thing.
So you can guess where Faye gotit from.
Oh, it was at.
Can you pass the pepper please,fay asked Tina.
I sighed while Fay passed itover.
It was at Manny AcquisitionsInc over on Industrial Boulevard
(03:19):
.
They're looking for a seniorclerical administrator.
Is being a senior clericaladministrator?
Exciting Dad Asked Turner whowas adding pepper to his own mac
and cheese.
Well, most people think it wouldbe a dull job, and they're
right, I said, and Turnerlaughed it's not exciting, but
(03:42):
it's the kind of work I like.
It's not exciting, but it's thekind of work I like.
What sort of questions did theyask?
You asked Faye taking back thepepper.
Oh, the usual stuff About mywork, history, and a bunch of
questions about administrativeprocedures, I guess to make sure
(04:03):
I know what I'm doing and thatall went fine, I think.
But sure I know what I'm doingand that all went fine, I think.
But I felt a bit underdressed.
I should have worn a tie, likeyou said, honey.
I took a bite of mac and cheeseand pretty good for Turner's
first try.
So I told him that.
Oh, I'm sure it was fine, dear,said Tina.
(04:26):
I shrugged my shoulders.
My interviewers all wore blackcloaks.
Oh, then they took me to theDungeon of Trials.
A dish clanked when Tinadropped her fork.
What?
Everyone was now staring at me.
So I continued yeah, there wasthis.
Okay, get this a bookshelf.
And if you pulled the rightbook it slid open and beyond it
(04:51):
was a catacomb.
So I told them.
I also have a bookcase thatopens to a secret catacomb, like
that.
Tina rolled her eyes.
I looked directly at Tina andsaid they asked me if I really
did.
But I remembered this was a jobinterview and to be honest, so
(05:15):
I had to say no, I don't reallyhave one because my mean wife
won't let me.
Tina stared at me and slowlychewed her pizza bite then said
Did you tell them why I keepsaying no?
No, I sulked.
(05:35):
Tina repeated for the zillionthtime Because it's too expensive
and God only knows what youwould use it for.
Turner quietly leaned over andwhispered that's okay, dad.
Mom tells me that all the timetoo.
(05:56):
And he patted my arm.
Faye asked for the salt and Ipassed it to her and she began
salting her broccoli with vigor.
And Tina said that's enoughsalt, faye.
I read it's bad for yourkidneys.
Go on, honey.
(06:16):
What about this Catacombs?
Oh yeah, they were lit bytorches and led down to the
Dungeon of Trials, I said.
Then tried the steamed broccoliA little overcooked for my
liking, but good attempt, Ithought.
Liking, but good attempt.
I thought Well, what did theydo to you?
Tina asked with a waveringvoice oh, now she's interested
(06:38):
in how my day went.
I salted my broccoli and saidwe walked for a long time.
Then we finally made it to theDungeon of Trials and they took
my blindfold off.
Oh yeah, they blindfolded me.
The broccoli was much betterwith salt, kidneys or not.
Everyone was wearing black robes, except for a few with red
(07:00):
robes and one enormous guy in agold robe.
Also, they all wore either goator wolf masks.
Tina and the kids gasped.
I continued.
Someone took a bunch of my bodymeasurements.
They said it was to make somesort of ritual suit and I will
(07:22):
have to sign a non-disclosureagreement before they say what
the suit is made of, so I can'ttell you.
Faye shrugged and poppedanother pizza bite, but Turner
looked genuinely disappointed.
Then I stood on a large roundplatter that wriggled back and
forth like the agitation cyclein a clothes washer, but when it
(07:45):
was done they took mytemperature every two minutes
for about a half hour.
Did they say anything?
Tina asked with wide eyes.
No, everyone spoke in muffledwhispers and it didn't sound
like English or really anycommon language.
It was more guttural, I guess.
(08:06):
What does guttural mean, askedFaye?
It means they sound like AuntPhoebe, said Turner, and they
both snickered Kids snapped.
Tina then thought for a minuteYou're not wrong, but still Go
on about the dungeon.
(08:27):
Then they had me go into a smalltube and told me to crawl
through it as fast as I could.
So I crawled through it as fastas I could, mostly because
something chased me.
But the tube was too small tolook back and see.
And there were all these turns.
Oh, pass the ranch dressingplease.
We all held up our forks andsaid, yay, ranch.
(08:51):
It's a silly thing we dobecause we all love ranch
dressing.
Okay, once I got to the end ofthe tube I heard snarling and a
loud clank, so maybe some sortof gate closed.
Tina asked for the ranchdressing and we again held up
(09:12):
our forks and said, yay, ranch.
Ed never gets old.
When I reached over to hand herthe dressing, tina saw all the
bloody bandages on my forearmand her eyebrows shot up.
What the hell are those?
Oh, that's from the blood drawsand skin biopsies and leeches.
(09:34):
Tina asked are you sure this jobis safe?
I don't know.
I mean the money would be nice.
The base salary is six figures.
Tina shook her head.
Well, I don't know.
This sounds pretty dangerous.
I continued Plus five weeks paidvacation and 401k matching.
(09:58):
And check this out.
They do 100% employer matchingon Faye and Turner's college
savings accounts.
How cool is that?
But, like you said, it soundspretty dangerous.
Tina lit out a squeal thatstartled all of us, making Faye
spill her water.
What, yeah?
(10:20):
Starting with my first paycheck,tina was giddy what are you
doing sitting there, get offyour ass and call whoever you
need to and beg for that goddamnjob.
So that's what I did.
Well, I tried calling, but gottheir voicemail.
It was a little hard leaving aserious message with the sight
(10:42):
of Tina dancing in the kitchen.
They called back the next dayand said Dark Lord Blizzard will
select his offering withinthree days.
But if I didn't hear back afterfive business days to shoot
Cassie an email, well, mannyAcquisitions Incorporated wound
up hiring someone else, and itwas probably a good thing
(11:06):
because they shut down afterbodies started turning up.
Oh, and Turner had madechocolate pudding for dessert
that night, but we were out ofCool Whip, which was a shame the
End night, but we were out ofCool Whip, which was a shame the
end.
Thank you for listening and Ihope you enjoyed hearing about a
typical dinner conversation atmy home.
(11:26):
If you did, please tell afriend.
And if any dark overlords arehiring willing human sacrifices.
My best friend, stan, islooking for part-time work, but
he needs Tuesdays off.
And until next time, play nicewith others, be super duper kind
(11:46):
to yourself and, as always,remember to laugh.
Bye, thank you.
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