Debbie Zeichner's Guide to Empowering Parents Across Different Households

January is child-centered divorce month. To help stress to those in the midst of separation with children, we hope to help explain how coparents succeed following the divorce by navigating the process collaborative through mediation. 
 
Struggle with the rollercoaster of parenting? You're not alone. Sit down with me, Scott Levin, a California family law attorney, as we navigate the parental labyrinth with Debbie Zeichner, a revered parent coach.

This episode isn't just a beacon for those walking the parenting path in calm seas; it's a lifeline during the storms of co-parenting post-divorce. We shine a light on the reality of differing household rules and the dance of managing our children's digital worlds. You'll gain insight into fostering supportive environments and master the art of effective communication. Debbie imparts wisdom on respecting boundaries, relinquishing control, and tuning in to our children's perspectives. If you're seeking to fortify a healthier, happier home life and instill peace and joy within your family dynamics, this candid conversation with Debbie Zeichner is an essential listen.

Thanks for listening and I hope you'll continue to learn more about how you can peacefully divorce.

As a divorce mediation attorney in California, Scott Levin helps couples figure out the settlement terms and draft enforceable settlement agreements so they can divorce fairly without needing to go to court. Obtain closure peacefully through an amicable divorce. process that protects families and kids.

Visit San Diego Divorce Mediation for more information and to learn more about our mission to help divorcing couples make informed decisions and fair agreements through mediation or book a free virtual consultation.

Scott Levin, attorney, mediator, CDFA®
Chief PeaceKeeper
[e-mail]
858-255-1321
San Diego Divorce Mediation & Family Law
www.SanDiegoFamilyLawyer.net

Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:01):
Hi everybody, my name is Scott Levin.
I am the founding partner atSan Diego divorce mediation and
family law and we are continuingour speaker series this
afternoon with Debbie Zeichner.
Thank you, Debbie.

Speaker 2 (00:13):
Yeah, you're welcome.
Thanks for having me.

Speaker 1 (00:15):
Of course, debbie is the parent coach in Southern
California.
She's a licensed clinicalsocial worker and she has some
amazing upcoming free onlineseminars under the title
becoming a powered parent, and Ijust thought that actually
starts tomorrow, as we're goingto talk about.

(00:36):
So, debbie, what can, what canpeople expect to learn?
How can they participate?
Tell us a little more aboutthat.

Speaker 2 (00:42):
Yeah, absolutely Well .
Again, thank you so much forhaving me.
I'm so excited that we wereable to connect and I'm thrilled
to be here and share anythingthat I can to support parents.
Yeah, so I put together thisonline parenting series, which
is free.
The series offers 29 parentingexperts some of the top
parenting experts who are comingtogether to just share their

(01:05):
gifts and their wisdom and theirresearch based tips and tools
and insights that are really,you know, offered to support
parents and raising kids who areconfident, who are kind and
compassionate and resilient andemotionally healthy.
And so much of what we're goingto be talking about, you know
the title is becoming anempowered parent expert tools

(01:27):
for embracing imperfection,building connection and creating
more peace and joy in yourfamily.
So we're really talking abouthow we can start to reduce our
own, you know, impatience andfrustration and overwhelm and
guilt and shame and all of thatwhich oftentimes gets in the way
of us being able to show up asthe empowered parents that I

(01:47):
think we're truly meant to be.
So, each day, there will be twodifferent interviews that are
released.
They're all pre recorded soparents can watch them or listen
to them at their leisure, butto interviews are released per
day on a whole variety of topics.
So I always say to parents ifyou have a baby, if you have a
young child, a preteen or teen,there's something for you,

(02:07):
because our speakers are reallycovering just a wide range of
topics, from tantrums to siblingrivalry, to anti racism, to
raising mixed race teens, toraising teens, to just all sorts
of things.
We got a really amazing lineupthat that I've been able to put
together, so I'm really proudand excited to be able to offer

(02:30):
it.

Speaker 1 (02:31):
And I'm excited I signed up myself.
Now where can, where can peoplewatch it?
Just so they can figure thatout.

Speaker 2 (02:36):
Yeah, absolutely so.
It's becoming an empoweredparent, calm, and there.
You just sign up and then youshould receive an email that
I've also included a freejournal that goes along with it.
So each speaker has their ownpage.
So parents can, you know, kindof follow along right down there
and just biggest takeaways,things that they want to try.

(02:58):
So that that goes along with it.
And also, the other cool thingis that so many not all, but
many many of the speakers areoffering a free gift.
So that's really cool too isjust a way for parents to be
able to take advantage of somuch of the knowledge and wisdom
that is out there and just getsome support, especially with

(03:19):
all that's going on in our worldright now.
I just this was an opportunityto just offer some support for
parents everywhere.
So, yeah, really excited aboutit.

Speaker 1 (03:29):
First of all, thank you for putting that together.
It's going to be amazing andyou know we actually put my two
kids, or two of my older kidssorry, I have three in camp
because you know we only go solong.
My wife works, I work, etc.
And yesterday we got a callfrom the camp saying that one of

(03:50):
the counselors had been exposedto coven and was taking a test
and so hit my one of my sonswhole week.
A camp was just erased and thatis just.
I can imagine that's going tohappen.
You know what's that saying?
Like we make plans and Godlaughs or whatever.
Like that's going to happennext school year.
I mean it's going to be a rockyroad for all of us with younger

(04:16):
kids and kids in school, and soeveryone needs the support and
to to educate ourselves.

Speaker 2 (04:22):
So yeah, there's a lot of anxiety and a lot of
uncertainty out there right now,and so I think you know now
more than ever is the time forall of us to come together and
try to figure out how we can bethere for ourselves and how we
can be there for each other.

Speaker 1 (04:35):
So, also as you, know I work mainly in the in the
field of divorce and marriageand family loss, so that's kind
of what I do on a daily basis.
I really thought that somethingyou said resonated with me the
last time we spoke, so I don'tknow if you remember and one of
the reasons I wanted to have youon today was basically, you

(04:56):
know, in divorce it's very hardfor parents post divorce a lot
of times to be on the same page.
But you said something thatgave that I've been repeating to
my clients over and over andover and I just want to know
more about that, which isbasically you know, do parents
have to be on the same pagewhether they're married or
divorced?

Speaker 2 (05:18):
Yeah, you know, I think it's one of those really
tricky things, because I thinkwe have these ideas and these
expectations that you know,parents have to be on the same
page and be this united friends,and while I think that's
certainly ideal and while Ithink that's certainly important
, it's not always realistic and,especially when parents are
going through separation ordivorce, oftentimes they're not
able to be on the same page,right, and so I think we strive

(05:41):
to be able to communicate witheach other, for, you know, I try
to help parents be able tolisten to each other, so, as I
know you do to understand wheretheir children are coming from,
understand what their children'sneeds are, so that they can do
their best to kind of meetsomewhere in the middle.
And, at the same time, it'sbeing able to understand and
know that.

(06:02):
You know households run a bitdifferently, and that's okay,
right, kids don't need it to beexactly the same that moms and
that dads.
Kids are very smarts.
They're also very resilient,right, and they're very quick to
learn and understand what therules are.
Right, this is how things areat mom's house.
This is how things are at dad'shouse, right, and being able to

(06:23):
adjust, which in so many waysis kind of how life is right.
When we send our kids out intothe world, they need to be able
to adjust and adapt to a varietyof situations.
So when we're able to, whenwe're able to experience that
with guidance, with support,with at least one parent who's
able to recognize yeah, I knowit's really hard, you're able to
do that at dad's house and I'mnot okay with that and that's

(06:44):
really frustrating right, that'show we can help and guide and
support our kids through.
That is recognizing that.
You know, even though the rulesaren't the same, sometimes that
transition can be confusing forkids, and so if we know that
and there's at least, as I said,one parent who's able to
support their child through that, that can be really helpful and
create a healthier outcome forthe child.

Speaker 1 (07:05):
And so that I think that is such incredible advice
because, as I see it, often withthe issue of technology and we
all know that that's not goingto go away so a lot of my
clients, for example, will callme post-divorce and say I need
to have a mediation sessionbecause I hear I mean this is.
I hear this all the time.

(07:26):
I don't want my sons playingFortnite and my ex lets them
play Fortnite and, and sothey're like living two parallel
lives.
And when they come to my house,they all they want to, all they
kind of do, is sour on mebecause I don't let them play
Fortnite.
What should we do?
So how would you in that case?

(07:49):
What would be some of yourgeneral suggestions, with an
issue like that?

Speaker 2 (07:54):
I think the first thing is just recognizing that
we only that we can't controlanother person as much as we
want to dictate how things aregoing to be at the other's home.
We have zero control over that.
All we have control over is howwe choose to parent, the limits
and boundaries that we chooseto establish.
That's all we have to control,right?

(08:16):
And so once we can let go ofthis idea that we're going to
control and manage how ourchild's life is and design our
child's life and where they areand everything's going to be
exactly as we want, it'simpossible, it's unrealistic and
it's unrealistic and it'sunreasonable, right?
So once we can let go of that,drop our agenda, focus on what
is our control, which is how wechoose to do things at our house

(08:37):
.
That tends to lessen kind ofthat intensity and anxiety,
right, which then lessens theintensity and anxiety that our
child experiences from us, right?
So we can certainly voice ourconcerns about.
Hey, listen, like I know, youreally are allowing a lot of
video games at your house.
I'm not allowing them at myhouse, and here's why.

(08:58):
Here's what I found.
Here's what the research saysthe X is going to do, what the X
is going to do right.
So I think we can do our bestto explain the reasons why.
And when our child comes backto our house expecting the
endless hours of fortnight,that's when we can really
connect with our child and say Iknow that is really frustrating

(09:18):
because I know you get to watchfortnight at your mom's house,
or I know you get to watchfortnight at your dad's house
and here you know I'm not okaywith that.
So that's hard and I hear you.
So let's see how we can makethis work for both of us.
Or, you know, even justvalidating how our child feels,
because oftentimes when ourchild comes to us with a
complaint, you know you're notdoing this, dad, lets me do this

(09:40):
.
You know, oftentimes it'snatural to kind of that
defensiveness rises in us, right, and we start to go into logic.
Well, this is why and I can'tbelieve he's letting you do that
, right and we kind of get intothis like blame game, which is
only, you know, hurtful for thechild and actually doesn't allow
the child to feel fully hurt,because really what they're
saying is it's not fair, right,which gives us an opportunity to

(10:01):
say you know what you're right,it's not fair, and I know that
that must be really hard.
You wish you could do that more.
You wish you could do that morehere, and let's figure out what
you can do.
Right, so the folks right.
So then the child's like, oh so, the child doesn't get exactly
what they want, but they get achild, but they get a parent who
at least sees them, hears themand understands where they're

(10:23):
coming from.
And when they feel seen andheard and understood and
accepted, there's less need tobattle, there's less need to
fight, right?
So, yeah, they might bedisappointed, at which point you
say, yeah, I know, I get it.

Speaker 1 (10:38):
Well, you know what?
I think everyone watching thisnow knows why.
She is the parenting coach inSouthern California and beyond,
and, and I know that we could goon and on, but I actually just
want, I would love our viewersto tune into the Becoming an
Empowered Parent series thatstarts tomorrow, tuesday, july.

(11:04):
What is that?
Nine?
July 7th 7th, sorry, yeah, andand I mean those answers were so
incredible and I thank you somuch for just spending a couple
minutes with us.
I know you're busy and I hopethat we can continue this
conversation again soon, andwe'll hit on a whole bunch of

(11:25):
other fun topics in the meantime, so thank you so much.

Speaker 2 (11:28):
Thank you again.
Bye everyone.