December 19, 2024 • 36 mins
In today’s episode, I sit down with Alia, a daughter of immigrants who navigated her way from Canada to Harvard to PhD in anthropology, and who now coaches high achievers to balance their careers with their true desires. Tune in to hear how following your heart can lead to extraordinary transformation.
Bio
Aliaa is a life coach, published author & startup founder, who is known for her ability to take academic insights and translate them into practical applications - such as coaching. Her long list of accomplishments include:
• Being recruited to play NCAA Div 1 field hockey at Harvard.
• Social Anthropology PhD. Conducted research in 20+ countries.
• Expert in identity work with historically marginalized adults (18+).
• As a non-profit Exec, managed 600+ people across 3 countries.
• Raised ~$1M as Co-Founder of VC-backed startup, StoryTiling.
• Author of a book. Filmmaker. Board Member. Keynote speaker.
Aliaa’s unique superpower as a coach is her intelligence, ability to read people, and cut straight to the point. She’s able to make the smartest people feel seen, supported and productively challenged. Read more about Aliaa at aliaaremtilla.com and connect with her on LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/aliaa-remtilla/
Sign up to join our live coaching session and receive personalized insights!
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Access free resources and learn more about Sheila and her team at Signet Education at signeteducation.com or on LinkedIn at https://www.linkedin.com/in/sheilaakbar/.
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Aliaa Remtilla (00:00):
It's this question of, How am I fully
(00:03):
living my heart's desire, butalso fully living what I want
from this moment? And honestly,that's the bit that's never
changed, that was a core skillthat I acquired. And so yeah,
sure, it might look like twistsand turns, but it's just a deep,
(00:24):
deep commitment to doing what myheart desires, and then having
the confidence that if I desire,whatever I desire, I will do I
can do, and I will excel at
Sheila Akbar (00:50):
Hi, folks, we have made it to the last episode of
the year. I am quite lookingforward to winding down 2024 and
kind of cocooning up for thenext couple of weeks, preparing
ourselves for 2025 I thinktoday's guest is a great one to
go out on. It's my friend Aliaremtilla, who is a scholar, a
(01:14):
producer, an entrepreneur, alifelong learner, just a really
fun person to talk to, and sheis a coach of high achieving
individuals and helps themfollow their heart's desire,
which you'll hear us talkingabout on the episode quite a
bit. And I will say I sort offollowed my heart's desire in
(01:36):
the course of this conversation,and got really in the weeds with
her on some things that may seemlike a little bit of a
distraction, but I found them sofascinating. So I hope you'll
feel the same way. Take alisten. I'll see you on the
other side.
So Alia, thank you so much forjoining me. Well, thanks for
having me excited about theconversation. It's really nice
to be able to have old friendson and even though you know, we
(01:59):
didn't know each other all thatwell when we first met, and
we're interacting a little moreregularly. It does feel like we
are old friends, and every timeI see you posting something
about your journey intoadulthood, I'm like, Are we the
same person? Obviously, thereare major differences, but
there's so much similarity insome of the you know,
(02:19):
realizations we've had andexperiences we've had that have
shaped who we are now and how wework with other people. So I'm
really excited to have you onand have people hear a little
bit more about your story. Sowhy don't we start there, tell
us about how you grew up andwhere and then how your
educational journey startedshaping up? Yeah, sure. Thanks
(02:41):
for having me excited to havethis conversation with you as
well. So I am from Vancouver,Canada, which you would think is
super close to the UnitedStates, but where it comes to
like university admissions,might as well be on a different
planet, because everything isdifferent here. I was born here,
(03:01):
but my parents and my parents,you know, actually met in
Vancouver, but they were bothborn in Tanzania, third
generation East Africans. So alot of my childhood being born
like, you know, maybe less thana decade after they'd moved
here, was part of that inbetween generation, right? So a
(03:22):
lot of my upbringing wasnavigating what it means to be
the first generation born inCanada, what it meant to be
brown in the 80s and 90s,figuring out who I was at a time
when it was our generation thatwas negotiating all of this and
(03:45):
figuring out, how can we be allof the different things that
made us who who we are. Andit's, you know, we use the word
intersectionality these days,and it can be more more
appropriate for, I think, thatexperience and one of the key
principles that was reallydriven into us was the value of
education. And it was this ideathat you never stopped staying
(04:09):
until you got your PhD, which Itook a little bit to literally,
I thinkeventually get that. But you
know, it was education justreally matter. And education was
the pathway to the future, apathway for success, and I very
uncritically accepted that,yeah, well, you know,
similarities abound, of course,and I'm curious. For me, I like
(04:30):
search my memory, and I've eventalked to my parents about this
and and I don't think I can honein on a time where they were
like, you must have all A's. Youmust be the best. You know, I
don't think any of that wasexplicit, but it was somehow
communicated to me and mybrother that those were the
(04:51):
things that were expected of us,and it wasn't like, I mean, I
didn't ever get a B, so I don'tknow how my parents would have
reacted if I brought home.
Unknown (05:00):
Less than an A but you know, it wasn't that I was
scared into that. And again, Idon't think it was explicitly
said. But how was that? How wasthat presented to you as you
were growing up? I remember aconversation with my father
where he actually taught me theimportance of like, strategic
excellence. Say more. I want tohear about this. So essentially
(05:21):
what we sat down and we had thisconversation, and like, at the
time, like cut off for scienceswas, like the low 90s for the
average, and you kind of neededso a 90% was an A plus, right?
So, and then you knew, and itwas grade 910, 1112, that would
go for US universities, and justgrade 12 for Canadian and so
(05:42):
there was this one day, and Iwas in a very competitive
school. So it wasn't just fromthe house, it was, it was at a
private all girls school, 73girls, you know, very, very
competitive. And I was in allthe AP classes that you could
take. And it was, it wasn't themost supportive environment,
right? There was a lot ofbullying. And I remember, like,
my instance, like, was I camein, and I think I like, the
(06:06):
provincial tests results werestandardized. Provincial tests
had been announced, and this onegirl comes into the room and she
goes, haha, I got higher thanyou. I got 96 and you got 95 in
front of the whole class, right?
So it was this kind of horrificdynamic where everyone was
trying to beat me, and then youjust like, I mean, clearly,
like, No, I don't want you tobeat me. And by that point, what
(06:28):
was really interesting aboutthat moment was that this was
after this conversation I'd hadwith my dad, and when she said
that, I just kind of laughed andwas like, but I didn't study,
like, I actually didn't care.
And the conversation, and Ididn't say anything. I just kind
of, you know, thank God I wasn'tthat mean, I think I was just so
(06:50):
shocked. But yeah, that was themost So, so the conversation I'd
had with my dad, I remember wewere driving to field hockey
practice, like, I vividlyremember this moment, and I was
like, you know, I think I'dgotten a 98 or a 99 on a math
test. And I was like, so annoyedI didn't get the 100. And dad
was like, Ali, I like, why doesit matter? And he was like, what
(07:11):
do you need? Like, what do youactually need marks wise? And
that's where I was like, Well, Iguess I need, like, maybe a 9093
to give me some buffer if I wantto go to a Canadian university,
and honestly, to get to anAmerican university, 89.5 is
fine, because there's nodifference between 89.5 gets
around to 90. I get my a plus.
They're not going to know thedifference between that and 100
Aliaa Remtilla (07:34):
and so he was like, So then why are you trying
for more?
I was like, Oh,really. What an enlightened
conversation. That was amazing,right? And so he was like, Yeah,
but, like, that's all thatmatters. So that's all you
strive for. So I was like, butthen I don't need to study for
that. Like, that's just, if Ilisten in class and do my
homework, I'll get that. So he'slike, so don't study amazing.
(07:55):
And so then, yeah, so that was,for me, quite a thing, right?
And then, and that changedeverything. So then from there
on, I just joined everyextracurricular there was
possible. I played field hockeya lot, like Wednesdays. I was on
three different teams, and,like, you know, I volunteered,
and I come home at like, 8pmand, you know, just wasn't about
(08:18):
school all the time anymore. Soyou you did all of these other
things because you had time sortof freed up when you realized
you didn't have to work so hardto get the grades you needed at
school. Yeah. I mean, like, thebiggest fights in our house were
not about school or aboutstudying, right? The biggest
fights in our house were mom anddad wanting me to do, to like,
(08:41):
go to Jamaat Khanna, which is areligious community, place of
worship on a day when I had feelhealthy practice or a game at
the same time, those were thebig disagreements in our house.
And how did you choose whatextracurriculars to join, like,
(09:02):
So good question, How did fieldhockey come into your life?
Because I know that was a bigpart of everything for you.
Field Hockey was huge for me. Imean, it's how I got recruited,
so like that. It got me intoHarvard. It gave me my my
education. Field Hockey startedby like, you know, we all have
those, like, cool, older peoplethat you look up to. And my
(09:23):
parents had adopted these twotwin girls women, and I just
always wanted to do everythinglike them, and they played field
hockey. So as soon as I gotolder, I was like, Hey, this is
what I want to do. I think theother thing for me with the
extracurriculars was because Istruggled socially. So, like, I
was really good friends with myfield hockey teammates, but no
one else at school in my gradeplayed field hockey. And so
(09:45):
like, I didn't know what to dowith my breaks and lunches, and
so I joined. I just made sure Ihad a club to do every lunchtime
so I didn't need to figure outwho to sit with. And that was
actually why I was so wellrounded. And.
And ended up winning this, like,scholarship in grade 12 for
being the most all around inperson. But like, really, I just
needed someone to eat lunch withamazing. It's so funny how,
(10:09):
like, some force in our life,you know, gets us to do the
thing that actually leads us tosome, you know, some kind of
success. For me, it was I livedabout 40 minutes from school,
and my parents were very strictabout who I could hang out with
and what I could do afterschool, so I knew that if I just
got involved in a lot ofextracurriculars, even if they
(10:30):
weren't all like right back toback, I would have an excuse to
stay out of the house and notcome all the way back home. And
so I would like hang out withfriends at Barnes and Noble was
the place that we would go hangout. Love it the bowling alley,
or we just like, hang out, youknow, while our friends had
whatever sport practice like, wejust like, hang out, watch them.
(10:51):
But it was the only way I couldbe social was to be at a house,
because once I got home, it wasso far away and my parents
weren't gonna let me out. So Igot involved in, like, literally
everything. And then, you know,when it came time for college
applications, it was like, Oh,look, she's done everything, and
she leads every club. And itwasn't because I was like, you
know, trying to claw above thecompetition or anything like
(11:13):
that. It was just like, I didn'twant to go home. So here I am.
There you are. That's veryinteresting. Okay, so you play
field hockey, you get recruitedto Harvard. Tell us about that
experience. Yeah, once again,this is where the whole Canada
thing, like, was a big part ofmy experience, just because
getting into an Americanuniversity was like, how do you
(11:34):
do that? Like, I was lucky thatI was at this private school
where there was a guidancecounselor who kind of knew the
pathway, but she'd never hadsomeone get recruited before. So
it was this, like, so funny, soand, and the other thing I don't
know if, like, any of the peoplewho are listening to this have
ever experienced this, but like,my parents had never heard of
(11:56):
Princeton, ever, or like anyother Ivy League, right? So all
they'd ever heard of wereHarvard or Stanford. And so when
I was growing up, it was okay,you stay at home and go to the
local university, UBC, which hadan amazing field hockey team,
and you know, that was kind ofpresumed, or you can go to
(12:18):
Harvard or Stanford, and that'sit, right? But if you're gonna
leave home and take all of that,it's gonna be for those schools.
Now, at the time, Princeton hadone of the best field hockey
teams, and I had a woman, oh,there was a woman who I played
field hockey with who had goneto Princeton and had kind of
sold me on it. So Princeton iswhere I wanted to go, and my
(12:39):
dad, and clearly you're going toget the sense that he's just
like, very, very sophisticatedman, right? So he goes, Okay, I
need to see Princeton to know ifit's like, to really get a
sense, because, like, you'retelling me all this stuff, but I
need to see it for myself, and Iwant you to go see Harvard. So
(13:00):
he's like, let's fly out andlet's go take a look. Now, once
again, Canada, right? So this islike, way back before early
commits didn't exist then. Sothis is August, end of August,
before my grade 12 year. This ishow late this is all happening.
I'd written the SATs once, andI'd written my SAT twos once,
and they were like, find scores.
But I wasn't that impressed, andI was intending to rewrite them.
(13:22):
So we fly out. We go to Harvard.
First, I go to the admissionsofficer briefing the guy, I ask
a question about how much theypay attention to SAT marks for
Canadians. And the guy goes,where in Canada are you from?
And I say, Vancouver. He says,What school do you go to? Gave
him my school? And he's like,I'm going to be reading your
(13:42):
application. And I was like,what? He's like, come talk to me
after. So I go and talk to himafterwards. And I was like,
Look, I play field hockey. I'minterested in and he was like,
What position do you place? AndI'm a goalie. He said they're
looking for a goalie. Go overand say, hi, wow. They were a
train season. And I was like,really? And he's like, so this
(14:03):
is, like, back then they didn'teven know how to recruit
Canadians, right? Like, it was awhile ago, yeah. So I crossed
the bridge to Harvard to thefield hockey thing, and they
happened to be practicing. So weshow up in the stands, the
assistant coach walks out and islike, this is a closed practice.
What are you doing here? And I'mlike, Oh, I'm a field hockey
bully from Canada, and I justwas told to come over and say
(14:25):
hi. She was like, yes, okay,hold on, let's finish the
practice. Can you just wait? SoI talked to her, she gets my
grades, she gets my GPA,basically, she gets my SAT
scores, writes them all down onthis little piece of paper I
still remember. And she's like,send us video. And then they
invited me for the like, youknow, the weekend trip. And
they're like, Yeah, you're onour top five. So the time field
(14:48):
hockey is a team of 20. So theygot a team of five people their
top five. If you applied early,we're basically going to get in
if you met basic criteria,right? So they're like, you're
in our top five. We want to.
Fly you out for, I don't knowwhat it was, some weekend. And I
was like, You're kidding, right?
Like, you're a field hockeyteam, and you're asking me to
miss my weekend games for this.
(15:09):
Like, do you understand howfield like, no. So I just
refused. I was like, I'm I'm notgonna miss field hockey for,
like, what seems social, like, Iknow I want to go there. You
know you want to go. You wantme. So what is there left to
discuss? And they were like, Idon't think that never happened
to
Unknown (15:29):
them. We're paying for it. I'm like, Yeah, but that's
not the problem.
Oh, my God, so I got in
Sheila Akbar (15:42):
that's amazing.
That is so amazing. How arelike, I want to call it teenage
hubris.
Unknown (15:51):
Really served you random value systems, right,
right? And then, like mom anddad, you wanted me to skip to go
Connie, I'm not even skippinglike a free trip to Harvard.
Yeah,
Aliaa Remtilla (16:05):
that's amazing.
That is so amazing. Oh, my God,okay, let's fast forward a
little bit. So you studied, Iwant to say anthropology. My
patients in anthropology, Iactually kept putting the film
through my under Oh, okay, I didfilm in Islamic Studies, yeah.
What was the goal? There yet,911 happened the night before my
first day of classes. So it waslike after preseason before the
first night of classes. Ithadn't come out that I was a
(16:26):
Muslim, and I barely evenunderstood what that meant,
because and then, like, thedynamic change. So basically
every class that I could takeon, you know, just trying to
figure out who I was. So a lotof my undergrad was a lot of
that kind of sort of soulsearching to figure out, like,
what that meant. Yeah, thatresonates so much. So the idea
was to make film about Muslims.
(16:52):
Like, what was the I mean, a lotof it was identity exploration.
So my style was, so this islike, just as blogs were
becoming popular, webcams didn'texist then. And I started, I
think webcams started my senioryear, and I started talking to a
camera, which was very unusualfor the time, and it was like
(17:15):
confessional style. So it was,and I think at the time it was
this, like, so a lot of myundergrad was just about, who am
I, right? And my films kind ofexplored that in a very once
again, like, so not appropriatein our cultural background,
Unknown (17:32):
pre social media, pre, like, all of this stuff. So now
you look at my stuff and you'relike, Oh, this is like, yeah, it
predates the selfie, and itlike, yeah, you're so ahead of
your time looking except now Idon't have text like, I don't
use social media, I thinkbecause, like, at the time
again, this are ahead of yourtime.
(17:53):
I've been there, done that, Ilearned my lessons.
Yeah.
Aliaa Remtilla (17:59):
Okay. And then after college, I know that's
when you started your moreacademic, further academics,
yeah, yeah. So I took a year,and I think for that year, that
was like, I don't know what Ireally want to be doing. So I
spent half year in Thailand,half year in Sri Lanka before
that. And then while I was inThailand, I realized that, like,
I was spending, I was living ina rural village, teaching
(18:20):
English at a government school,and realized that I was spending
most of my time reading academicbooks, and I still hadn't
finished with like, where I whatI needed to do in terms of
personal discovery, but from,like, a very intellectual lens,
and I thinking back to all theclasses that I had taken on the
study of Islam in my undergrad,the lens that I appreciated the
(18:41):
most was the anthropologicallens, and so that's what I
decided would be the so I neededa master's to convert to
anthropology. I still wanted tokeep the film, so my PhD was
part written, part film, and adegree in anthropology. So I
lived for my PhD research on theTajik Afghan border, and was
really interested. It's likeit's a morality, right? So
(19:03):
ethics, morality, religion. Sothe intersection of religion,
economics and politics, andlooking at how people were
making sense of the perceivedimmorality of capitalism in the
post Soviet context, right? Sowhat does it mean to have to
make profit for myself? Asopposed to during the Soviet
era, it was all about Bettermentfor the good of the community as
(19:23):
whole. Like that was the primarynarrative around, like, wanting
to succeed in life. And now it'sabout like, you know, and
capitalism really is about thatindividual success. So it was,
it taught me a lot, but, yeah, Ilived for a year on the Tajik
side, and the film that I madeis about the relationship
between the Tajik and Afghanrelatives on the two sides of
(19:44):
that border. That's sofascinating. I'm sure I can talk
to you about that for hours, butfor the sake of the podcast,
we'll move forward. What I'minterested in exploring is, I
mean, if I could recap what Ithink I've learned so far is you
spend a lot of time trying tofigure.
Unknown (20:00):
Out who you are, and all of these forces that were
sort of shaping who you are, whoyou could be, the culture you've
come from. And then you make apivot into entrepreneurship, and
then there's another pivot afterthat. So I kind of want to hear
and I think our listeners willwill appreciate this. Some of
(20:21):
these things seem to have justkind of fallen in your lap, or
you were working because of,like you said, are like, you
know, random value systems youwere working towards something
that happened to serve you inthis other purpose. And so, you
know, almost by accident, youend up at Harvard. And I don't
want to diminish, you know, howintelligent you are and how hard
you actually did work, right?
But it wasn't like you werestriving to go to Harvard. You
(20:41):
ended up there. And then, I'msure something similar happened
with your PhDs. Like, peopledon't just like, waltz into a
PhD program, but it sounds likeyou did. And you know, beyond
getting in, you also finished,which is, you know, no small
feat, right? No, that wasdifficult. And then you you
started a business, which isalso a humongous undertaking.
(21:02):
And I'm wondering where thisdrive has come from for you, and
how you thought about at thetime, or even now, looking back,
these switches in direction,like the trajectory, like I'm
sure when you were in your PhDprogram, you thought at some
level you would become aprofessor totally. And then all
(21:24):
of a sudden, you know, you youtook a left turn. So tell us
about that a little bit. Yeah, Idon't think a left turn ever
feels like a left turn in themoment, it feels like the
natural next step. And I thinkthat in hindsight, also when
you're living it, you it justfeels natural and makes sense.
There's one other right turn, ifwe want to call it that, there
(21:46):
is one other that that you miss,which is about like, eight years
in the nonprofit sectorcommunity development. So yeah,
and then a ton of countries aswell. So I was really moving
around a lot, which was so therewas a lot of, a lot of shift up
at the core of it all. So I'mgonna go back to my dad again,
very, very core influence in mylife. And he used to have the
saying, you know, like, Iremember when I called home and
(22:10):
I'm like, Yeah, I was gonna bepre med at Harvard, and now I've
decided to major in filmproduction. I mean, take a lot
of courses on Islamic Studies.
And everyone was like, wait,what? You know, there's a lot of
community pushback, like, areyou really letting your daughter
do that? And Dad's point to mewas, you know, follow your heart
and the money will follow.
Follow your heart and the moneywill follow. Like, that was a
line that I heard often thepoint where I internalized it
(22:34):
very deeply, and at the core ofthat so the part that the money
will follow, I later learned isnot true. Later learn,
Aliaa Remtilla (22:46):
maybe a little bit the world is not
economically just. So if yourheart happens to not include the
production of wealth as anexplicit aim, it will not
necessarily follow, right? Yeah,that has to be a part of what
your goal is. But at the at thecore, was okay. So if you have
to, if what Dad's telling me isthat I need to follow my heart,
(23:10):
then at every step in thejourney, I need to take that
step back to ask myself, Whatdoes my heart want? And I think
what I was when I when I lookedat my parents, people in my
parents generation, and manyaround me who had constraints in
their life. When you have aconstraint, when you are a
(23:30):
migrant, when you are living ina context of political
uncertainty, like my parentswere in their generation, you
don't have the luxury to followyour heart. You follow what is
practical, or you choose to makethe pursuit of wealth and
creation of wealth for futuregenerations, right, for
stability, that is what yourheart desires, right? So even if
(23:54):
you are following your heartdesires, it is not about the
work itself, but it is aboutwhat the work can afford you and
your family. And I think that asyou grow older, that also comes
in, right, regardless of who youare and how secure your life
already is, that becomes part ofwhat your heart desires. At the
age of 1820, 25 even 30, withoutchildren, without a partner,
(24:19):
what my heart desired was, youknow, require deep exploration,
and was often about work thatfelt fulfilling and meaningful
to me and that challenged mepersonally, deeply challenged me
that helped me grow and developnew skill sets. And so it's only
(24:40):
logical if that is what my heartdesired, that I would pursue one
path, develop, acquire andmaster skills within that
trajectory, and then shifttrajectories so that I could
further round those out, buildthem in a different direction.
Unknown (25:00):
Direction, feel challenged once again, and, you
know, just become more fully me.
And I think for me, that's life,right? There is no end, like
it's life isn't perfect. Thingshappen to us, and we need to
figure out how we we work withinwhatever gets placed. We were
talking about 911 no control. Itinfluences everything, right?
(25:23):
It's just one, I mean, so manyother different things coming
your way, at a large scale, at asmall scale, and then within
that, it's this question of, Howam I fully living my heart's
desire, but also fully livingwhat I want from this moment,
and honestly, that's the bitthat's never changed. That was a
(25:44):
core skill that I acquired. Andso yeah, sure, it might look
like twists and turns, but it'sjust a deep, deep commitment to
doing what my heart desires, andthen having the confidence that
if I desire, whatever I desire,I will do, I can do, and I will
(26:06):
excel at. I love that so much.
It was not my experience. I wishit were I didn't have, like, a
guiding heuristic, which didsound like you really did. You
know I can look back at thetwist and turn in my life and
understand, maybesubconsciously, what I was
trying to move towards. And nowthat I have, you know, done the
(26:29):
work to really understand what Ithink my heart's desire is and
what my hopefully, my purpose isthe thing that keeps driving me
forward. I can put that on, youknow, the pivots that I made
over the course of my life andmake it all make sense. But I
know that I am, you know, doingthe hindsight is 2020. Thing I
love that you had a core valueand a practice of stepping back
(26:53):
and interrogating yourself andyour environment and your work
to continually stay on the pathand stay in alignment with
yourself. I think that is soadmirable, so impressive, and it
is really what I hope for somany young people who are
concerned about maybe theexterior appearance of a
straight line rather than aninternal straight line, like,
(27:18):
Oh my gosh. So this brings me tosomething that you we were
chatting about before I turnedon the recording, that you're
kind of like taking taking iteasy in December. You're not
really chasing anything, and youknow, you're letting you know if
things come to you, they come toyou, but you're really just
taking some time for yourself.
And that is something that Istill struggle to hold space for
(27:40):
in my life, and I know that thatis something that is probably
taking you some some work, eventhough you you did have this
Heart's Desire thing you knowfrom the start. And I also know
that this is something that youhelp other people with, maybe
not this exact challenge, butthese sorts of challenges. So
talk to us about that pivot intoyour coaching life and how your
(28:02):
own journey has influenced howyou coach. Yeah, so this, this
deep question of, what is itthat I really want for myself? I
did a lot of youth work at onestage in my career with with 18
to 25 year olds to work on this,like, who am I? Kind of
question, right? One of thethings that I've realized more
(28:25):
recently through my startupcareer is that as I was engaging
with folks, you know, who are intheir 30s, 40s, 50s, that kind
of work, that deeper questionof, who am I and what do I want
for myself? It doesn't stop it'snot a one and done, right? Like
we need to keep answering thatquestion. And I think that when,
(28:47):
when folks get married, havechildren, and then are trying to
balance that. Now my identity isnot only defined, especially for
high achievers, right? So mycoaching work works specifically
with high achievers, and forthose of us who are both, I
think we can both fit into thatgeneral category for people who
are trying to achieve at a veryhigh level. So much of my
(29:11):
identity, at least, was wrappedup in what I was doing
professionally, right? So myprofessional career divided my
identity, and then I think therebecome these other layers of
identity that get layered ontop. We were talking about
intersectionality earlier,right? And as a kid, it's like,
okay, well, I am a daughter, orI am a son, or am I a child? I
(29:31):
am a grandchild, I am a cousin,I am a friend. I have all of
these kind of otherresponsibilities that just don't
seem as front and center asprofessional. And then when
people get married, becoming aspouse, or even just having a
partner without the formality ofmarriage, becoming a parent,
these are the types ofresponsibilities, ways of being
(29:56):
that that we.
Aliaa Remtilla (30:00):
We want to really dig deep and then
becoming a caregiver for agingparents, right? So there's,
there's so much involved, andwe're at the beak of our career.
So how does that all getbalanced? And how, and for me,
at the core, like there's somuch discussion, sometimes this
often comes to, like, the guilt.
It comes down to this feeling ofguilt for not being able to do
(30:21):
everything properly, or the waythat I want to be doing it,
having to say no, feeling okaywith saying no. For me, I think
that's all the outwardmanifestation of a core inner
challenge, which is that Ihaven't yet figured out what I
want for myself. So the outsidenoise, outside expectations are
(30:42):
amorphously experienced, but notpinned down and defined. And a
lot of the work that I helpfolks do is to peel back all of
that and do that inner work thatI've been doing since I was a
child, and sort of bringing thatwhat is at the core of my way of
living in the world, supportingeach of my clients in a way that
(31:07):
is super specific and tailoredto them and their way of being
to do that work for themselvesin that moment of their life,
and figure out, okay, I kind ofknew who I was, but let me
actually reground and re askthis question, and to your
point, so, so that's, that's thecoaching work. And to your
(31:28):
question around like takingDecember easy, you're right.
It's not easy. It's just, it'swhat do I want right now? So
when I've asked myself thatquestion at the moment, what is
it that I truly desire? Whatdoes my heart tell me that I
need right now? My heart tellsme I need to figure out how to
be and it's just where I'mreally like this is super
(31:52):
vulnerably personally sharing.
I'm at a place in my journeywhere I think so much of being
an achiever is looking to thefuture and so orienting our
present towards the attainmentwe can whatever it is that we're
trying to attain in the future.
The reality is we live in apresent. And one of the things
(32:14):
that I'm working on very, veryexplicitly at the moment is,
what is that? What does it meanto be to surrender into the
present? I have goosebumps.
Listeners, you can't see this,but I'm holding up a post it
note
Sheila Akbar (32:31):
I keep on my computer. This is the thing that
I'm working on. I also work withcoach, and one of the things
that we are working on is movingfrom the idea of taking space
for myself is like everybodyjust leave me alone. Shifting
that from like I just want tobe, I just want to be, and the
thing that I want to be is goingto fill up all that space. And
(32:52):
sort of like you were saying,it's not going to require me to
say no to this, or thinkcarefully if I'm going to take
on this responsibility, my lifeis going to be so full of what I
want it to be, that that's noteven a question. I love that so
much. Gosh, we all have so muchwe can learn from you. I'm
really glad you came and decidedto vulnerably share all of that.
(33:12):
It is really hard work, and Ithink the work gets easier in
community, whether that's, youknow, one on one, or with other
people who share our values orwho can hold space for our goals
when we can't hold them forourselves? So yeah, thank you.
Thank you so much for being partof my community. This is great.
Thanks for the conversation. Ofcourse, I think this is a great
(33:33):
place to leave it. I've taken upso much of your time, but like I
said, I'm sure I could talk toyou about a lot of these things.
I would love to watch your yourfilm, your dissertation film,
yeah, some point you shouldshare that with me. Yeah. We'll
turn off the recording in asecond. But before I let you go,
I have a very good friend whofinished her PhD in Social I
want to say it's socialanthropology from the new
(33:55):
school. And she finished in 2016I want to say, and she worked on
the concept of charity.
Unknown (34:04):
Basically, charity is white supremacy in Islamic
giving, and I think you guyswould really love each other, so
I will introduce you to her aswell. Okay, back to the podcast.
Thank you again. This was areally wonderful conversation.
If people want to learn moreabout the work you do, how to
maybe be coached by you, orjust, you know, hear more of
(34:27):
your wisdom, these little pearlsof wisdom that you keep
dropping. How can they do that?
Easiest ways just to connectwith me or send me a message on
LinkedIn. I think that's like,super, super easy. Otherwise,
also, I have, I have a website.
My film is actually on mywebsite. So, oh, great. You want
to see the website? It's justaliarola.com I'll make sure both
of those are linked in the shownotes. Awesome. Sounds good?
(34:49):
Okay, thank you again. Yay.
Thank you.
Sheila Akbar (34:54):
Well, there you have it. Hope you enjoyed that
conversation. There was a lot wehad to leave on the cutting room
floor, just for length, but itwas super interesting, and I
really do encourage you to checkout her website and follow her
on LinkedIn. And as we wind downthe year here, I do want to let
you know we will be on a breakuntil mid January, and then we
(35:17):
will be back. And like I'veteased previously, we will be
switching up the format a littlebit here some live coaching.
We'll do a lot of Q and Asessions, and then every once in
a while, we will have sometraditional sort of interview
style sessions as well. And Ihope that that is all very
interesting and helpful for allof you. If you have a question
(35:38):
that you would like to haveanswered on air by me or one of
my teammates, please submit itto us. You can find the links in
the show notes, or you can emailus at info, at
signeteducation.com, and happynew year everybody. We'll see
you next time.
It's this question of, How am I fully
(00:03):
living my heart's desire, butalso fully living what I want
from this moment? And honestly,that's the bit that's never
changed, that was a core skillthat I acquired. And so yeah,
sure, it might look like twistsand turns, but it's just a deep,
(00:24):
deep commitment to doing what myheart desires, and then having
the confidence that if I desire,whatever I desire, I will do I
can do, and I will excel at
Sheila Akbar (00:50):
Hi, folks, we have made it to the last episode of
the year. I am quite lookingforward to winding down 2024 and
kind of cocooning up for thenext couple of weeks, preparing
ourselves for 2025 I thinktoday's guest is a great one to
go out on. It's my friend Aliaremtilla, who is a scholar, a
(01:14):
producer, an entrepreneur, alifelong learner, just a really
fun person to talk to, and sheis a coach of high achieving
individuals and helps themfollow their heart's desire,
which you'll hear us talkingabout on the episode quite a
bit. And I will say I sort offollowed my heart's desire in
(01:36):
the course of this conversation,and got really in the weeds with
her on some things that may seemlike a little bit of a
distraction, but I found them sofascinating. So I hope you'll
feel the same way. Take alisten. I'll see you on the
other side.
So Alia, thank you so much forjoining me. Well, thanks for
having me excited about theconversation. It's really nice
to be able to have old friendson and even though you know, we
(01:59):
didn't know each other all thatwell when we first met, and
we're interacting a little moreregularly. It does feel like we
are old friends, and every timeI see you posting something
about your journey intoadulthood, I'm like, Are we the
same person? Obviously, thereare major differences, but
there's so much similarity insome of the you know,
(02:19):
realizations we've had andexperiences we've had that have
shaped who we are now and how wework with other people. So I'm
really excited to have you onand have people hear a little
bit more about your story. Sowhy don't we start there, tell
us about how you grew up andwhere and then how your
educational journey startedshaping up? Yeah, sure. Thanks
(02:41):
for having me excited to havethis conversation with you as
well. So I am from Vancouver,Canada, which you would think is
super close to the UnitedStates, but where it comes to
like university admissions,might as well be on a different
planet, because everything isdifferent here. I was born here,
(03:01):
but my parents and my parents,you know, actually met in
Vancouver, but they were bothborn in Tanzania, third
generation East Africans. So alot of my childhood being born
like, you know, maybe less thana decade after they'd moved
here, was part of that inbetween generation, right? So a
(03:22):
lot of my upbringing wasnavigating what it means to be
the first generation born inCanada, what it meant to be
brown in the 80s and 90s,figuring out who I was at a time
when it was our generation thatwas negotiating all of this and
(03:45):
figuring out, how can we be allof the different things that
made us who who we are. Andit's, you know, we use the word
intersectionality these days,and it can be more more
appropriate for, I think, thatexperience and one of the key
principles that was reallydriven into us was the value of
education. And it was this ideathat you never stopped staying
(04:09):
until you got your PhD, which Itook a little bit to literally,
I thinkeventually get that. But you
know, it was education justreally matter. And education was
the pathway to the future, apathway for success, and I very
uncritically accepted that,yeah, well, you know,
similarities abound, of course,and I'm curious. For me, I like
(04:30):
search my memory, and I've eventalked to my parents about this
and and I don't think I can honein on a time where they were
like, you must have all A's. Youmust be the best. You know, I
don't think any of that wasexplicit, but it was somehow
communicated to me and mybrother that those were the
(04:51):
things that were expected of us,and it wasn't like, I mean, I
didn't ever get a B, so I don'tknow how my parents would have
reacted if I brought home.
Unknown (05:00):
Less than an A but you know, it wasn't that I was
scared into that. And again, Idon't think it was explicitly
said. But how was that? How wasthat presented to you as you
were growing up? I remember aconversation with my father
where he actually taught me theimportance of like, strategic
excellence. Say more. I want tohear about this. So essentially
(05:21):
what we sat down and we had thisconversation, and like, at the
time, like cut off for scienceswas, like the low 90s for the
average, and you kind of neededso a 90% was an A plus, right?
So, and then you knew, and itwas grade 910, 1112, that would
go for US universities, and justgrade 12 for Canadian and so
(05:42):
there was this one day, and Iwas in a very competitive
school. So it wasn't just fromthe house, it was, it was at a
private all girls school, 73girls, you know, very, very
competitive. And I was in allthe AP classes that you could
take. And it was, it wasn't themost supportive environment,
right? There was a lot ofbullying. And I remember, like,
my instance, like, was I camein, and I think I like, the
(06:06):
provincial tests results werestandardized. Provincial tests
had been announced, and this onegirl comes into the room and she
goes, haha, I got higher thanyou. I got 96 and you got 95 in
front of the whole class, right?
So it was this kind of horrificdynamic where everyone was
trying to beat me, and then youjust like, I mean, clearly,
like, No, I don't want you tobeat me. And by that point, what
(06:28):
was really interesting aboutthat moment was that this was
after this conversation I'd hadwith my dad, and when she said
that, I just kind of laughed andwas like, but I didn't study,
like, I actually didn't care.
And the conversation, and Ididn't say anything. I just kind
of, you know, thank God I wasn'tthat mean, I think I was just so
(06:50):
shocked. But yeah, that was themost So, so the conversation I'd
had with my dad, I remember wewere driving to field hockey
practice, like, I vividlyremember this moment, and I was
like, you know, I think I'dgotten a 98 or a 99 on a math
test. And I was like, so annoyedI didn't get the 100. And dad
was like, Ali, I like, why doesit matter? And he was like, what
(07:11):
do you need? Like, what do youactually need marks wise? And
that's where I was like, Well, Iguess I need, like, maybe a 9093
to give me some buffer if I wantto go to a Canadian university,
and honestly, to get to anAmerican university, 89.5 is
fine, because there's nodifference between 89.5 gets
around to 90. I get my a plus.
They're not going to know thedifference between that and 100
Aliaa Remtilla (07:34):
and so he was like, So then why are you trying
for more?
I was like, Oh,really. What an enlightened
conversation. That was amazing,right? And so he was like, Yeah,
but, like, that's all thatmatters. So that's all you
strive for. So I was like, butthen I don't need to study for
that. Like, that's just, if Ilisten in class and do my
homework, I'll get that. So he'slike, so don't study amazing.
(07:55):
And so then, yeah, so that was,for me, quite a thing, right?
And then, and that changedeverything. So then from there
on, I just joined everyextracurricular there was
possible. I played field hockeya lot, like Wednesdays. I was on
three different teams, and,like, you know, I volunteered,
and I come home at like, 8pmand, you know, just wasn't about
(08:18):
school all the time anymore. Soyou you did all of these other
things because you had time sortof freed up when you realized
you didn't have to work so hardto get the grades you needed at
school. Yeah. I mean, like, thebiggest fights in our house were
not about school or aboutstudying, right? The biggest
fights in our house were mom anddad wanting me to do, to like,
(08:41):
go to Jamaat Khanna, which is areligious community, place of
worship on a day when I had feelhealthy practice or a game at
the same time, those were thebig disagreements in our house.
And how did you choose whatextracurriculars to join, like,
(09:02):
So good question, How did fieldhockey come into your life?
Because I know that was a bigpart of everything for you.
Field Hockey was huge for me. Imean, it's how I got recruited,
so like that. It got me intoHarvard. It gave me my my
education. Field Hockey startedby like, you know, we all have
those, like, cool, older peoplethat you look up to. And my
(09:23):
parents had adopted these twotwin girls women, and I just
always wanted to do everythinglike them, and they played field
hockey. So as soon as I gotolder, I was like, Hey, this is
what I want to do. I think theother thing for me with the
extracurriculars was because Istruggled socially. So, like, I
was really good friends with myfield hockey teammates, but no
one else at school in my gradeplayed field hockey. And so
(09:45):
like, I didn't know what to dowith my breaks and lunches, and
so I joined. I just made sure Ihad a club to do every lunchtime
so I didn't need to figure outwho to sit with. And that was
actually why I was so wellrounded. And.
And ended up winning this, like,scholarship in grade 12 for
being the most all around inperson. But like, really, I just
needed someone to eat lunch withamazing. It's so funny how,
(10:09):
like, some force in our life,you know, gets us to do the
thing that actually leads us tosome, you know, some kind of
success. For me, it was I livedabout 40 minutes from school,
and my parents were very strictabout who I could hang out with
and what I could do afterschool, so I knew that if I just
got involved in a lot ofextracurriculars, even if they
(10:30):
weren't all like right back toback, I would have an excuse to
stay out of the house and notcome all the way back home. And
so I would like hang out withfriends at Barnes and Noble was
the place that we would go hangout. Love it the bowling alley,
or we just like, hang out, youknow, while our friends had
whatever sport practice like, wejust like, hang out, watch them.
(10:51):
But it was the only way I couldbe social was to be at a house,
because once I got home, it wasso far away and my parents
weren't gonna let me out. So Igot involved in, like, literally
everything. And then, you know,when it came time for college
applications, it was like, Oh,look, she's done everything, and
she leads every club. And itwasn't because I was like, you
know, trying to claw above thecompetition or anything like
(11:13):
that. It was just like, I didn'twant to go home. So here I am.
There you are. That's veryinteresting. Okay, so you play
field hockey, you get recruitedto Harvard. Tell us about that
experience. Yeah, once again,this is where the whole Canada
thing, like, was a big part ofmy experience, just because
getting into an Americanuniversity was like, how do you
(11:34):
do that? Like, I was lucky thatI was at this private school
where there was a guidancecounselor who kind of knew the
pathway, but she'd never hadsomeone get recruited before. So
it was this, like, so funny, soand, and the other thing I don't
know if, like, any of the peoplewho are listening to this have
ever experienced this, but like,my parents had never heard of
(11:56):
Princeton, ever, or like anyother Ivy League, right? So all
they'd ever heard of wereHarvard or Stanford. And so when
I was growing up, it was okay,you stay at home and go to the
local university, UBC, which hadan amazing field hockey team,
and you know, that was kind ofpresumed, or you can go to
(12:18):
Harvard or Stanford, and that'sit, right? But if you're gonna
leave home and take all of that,it's gonna be for those schools.
Now, at the time, Princeton hadone of the best field hockey
teams, and I had a woman, oh,there was a woman who I played
field hockey with who had goneto Princeton and had kind of
sold me on it. So Princeton iswhere I wanted to go, and my
(12:39):
dad, and clearly you're going toget the sense that he's just
like, very, very sophisticatedman, right? So he goes, Okay, I
need to see Princeton to know ifit's like, to really get a
sense, because, like, you'retelling me all this stuff, but I
need to see it for myself, and Iwant you to go see Harvard. So
(13:00):
he's like, let's fly out andlet's go take a look. Now, once
again, Canada, right? So this islike, way back before early
commits didn't exist then. Sothis is August, end of August,
before my grade 12 year. This ishow late this is all happening.
I'd written the SATs once, andI'd written my SAT twos once,
and they were like, find scores.
But I wasn't that impressed, andI was intending to rewrite them.
(13:22):
So we fly out. We go to Harvard.
First, I go to the admissionsofficer briefing the guy, I ask
a question about how much theypay attention to SAT marks for
Canadians. And the guy goes,where in Canada are you from?
And I say, Vancouver. He says,What school do you go to? Gave
him my school? And he's like,I'm going to be reading your
(13:42):
application. And I was like,what? He's like, come talk to me
after. So I go and talk to himafterwards. And I was like,
Look, I play field hockey. I'minterested in and he was like,
What position do you place? AndI'm a goalie. He said they're
looking for a goalie. Go overand say, hi, wow. They were a
train season. And I was like,really? And he's like, so this
(14:03):
is, like, back then they didn'teven know how to recruit
Canadians, right? Like, it was awhile ago, yeah. So I crossed
the bridge to Harvard to thefield hockey thing, and they
happened to be practicing. So weshow up in the stands, the
assistant coach walks out and islike, this is a closed practice.
What are you doing here? And I'mlike, Oh, I'm a field hockey
bully from Canada, and I justwas told to come over and say
(14:25):
hi. She was like, yes, okay,hold on, let's finish the
practice. Can you just wait? SoI talked to her, she gets my
grades, she gets my GPA,basically, she gets my SAT
scores, writes them all down onthis little piece of paper I
still remember. And she's like,send us video. And then they
invited me for the like, youknow, the weekend trip. And
they're like, Yeah, you're onour top five. So the time field
(14:48):
hockey is a team of 20. So theygot a team of five people their
top five. If you applied early,we're basically going to get in
if you met basic criteria,right? So they're like, you're
in our top five. We want to.
Fly you out for, I don't knowwhat it was, some weekend. And I
was like, You're kidding, right?
Like, you're a field hockeyteam, and you're asking me to
miss my weekend games for this.
(15:09):
Like, do you understand howfield like, no. So I just
refused. I was like, I'm I'm notgonna miss field hockey for,
like, what seems social, like, Iknow I want to go there. You
know you want to go. You wantme. So what is there left to
discuss? And they were like, Idon't think that never happened
to
Unknown (15:29):
them. We're paying for it. I'm like, Yeah, but that's
not the problem.
Oh, my God, so I got in
Sheila Akbar (15:42):
that's amazing.
That is so amazing. How arelike, I want to call it teenage
hubris.
Unknown (15:51):
Really served you random value systems, right,
right? And then, like mom anddad, you wanted me to skip to go
Connie, I'm not even skippinglike a free trip to Harvard.
Yeah,
Aliaa Remtilla (16:05):
that's amazing.
That is so amazing. Oh, my God,okay, let's fast forward a
little bit. So you studied, Iwant to say anthropology. My
patients in anthropology, Iactually kept putting the film
through my under Oh, okay, I didfilm in Islamic Studies, yeah.
What was the goal? There yet,911 happened the night before my
first day of classes. So it waslike after preseason before the
first night of classes. Ithadn't come out that I was a
(16:26):
Muslim, and I barely evenunderstood what that meant,
because and then, like, thedynamic change. So basically
every class that I could takeon, you know, just trying to
figure out who I was. So a lotof my undergrad was a lot of
that kind of sort of soulsearching to figure out, like,
what that meant. Yeah, thatresonates so much. So the idea
was to make film about Muslims.
(16:52):
Like, what was the I mean, a lotof it was identity exploration.
So my style was, so this islike, just as blogs were
becoming popular, webcams didn'texist then. And I started, I
think webcams started my senioryear, and I started talking to a
camera, which was very unusualfor the time, and it was like
(17:15):
confessional style. So it was,and I think at the time it was
this, like, so a lot of myundergrad was just about, who am
I, right? And my films kind ofexplored that in a very once
again, like, so not appropriatein our cultural background,
Unknown (17:32):
pre social media, pre, like, all of this stuff. So now
you look at my stuff and you'relike, Oh, this is like, yeah, it
predates the selfie, and itlike, yeah, you're so ahead of
your time looking except now Idon't have text like, I don't
use social media, I thinkbecause, like, at the time
again, this are ahead of yourtime.
(17:53):
I've been there, done that, Ilearned my lessons.
Yeah.
Aliaa Remtilla (17:59):
Okay. And then after college, I know that's
when you started your moreacademic, further academics,
yeah, yeah. So I took a year,and I think for that year, that
was like, I don't know what Ireally want to be doing. So I
spent half year in Thailand,half year in Sri Lanka before
that. And then while I was inThailand, I realized that, like,
I was spending, I was living ina rural village, teaching
(18:20):
English at a government school,and realized that I was spending
most of my time reading academicbooks, and I still hadn't
finished with like, where I whatI needed to do in terms of
personal discovery, but from,like, a very intellectual lens,
and I thinking back to all theclasses that I had taken on the
study of Islam in my undergrad,the lens that I appreciated the
(18:41):
most was the anthropologicallens, and so that's what I
decided would be the so I neededa master's to convert to
anthropology. I still wanted tokeep the film, so my PhD was
part written, part film, and adegree in anthropology. So I
lived for my PhD research on theTajik Afghan border, and was
really interested. It's likeit's a morality, right? So
(19:03):
ethics, morality, religion. Sothe intersection of religion,
economics and politics, andlooking at how people were
making sense of the perceivedimmorality of capitalism in the
post Soviet context, right? Sowhat does it mean to have to
make profit for myself? Asopposed to during the Soviet
era, it was all about Bettermentfor the good of the community as
(19:23):
whole. Like that was the primarynarrative around, like, wanting
to succeed in life. And now it'sabout like, you know, and
capitalism really is about thatindividual success. So it was,
it taught me a lot, but, yeah, Ilived for a year on the Tajik
side, and the film that I madeis about the relationship
between the Tajik and Afghanrelatives on the two sides of
(19:44):
that border. That's sofascinating. I'm sure I can talk
to you about that for hours, butfor the sake of the podcast,
we'll move forward. What I'minterested in exploring is, I
mean, if I could recap what Ithink I've learned so far is you
spend a lot of time trying tofigure.
Unknown (20:00):
Out who you are, and all of these forces that were
sort of shaping who you are, whoyou could be, the culture you've
come from. And then you make apivot into entrepreneurship, and
then there's another pivot afterthat. So I kind of want to hear
and I think our listeners willwill appreciate this. Some of
(20:21):
these things seem to have justkind of fallen in your lap, or
you were working because of,like you said, are like, you
know, random value systems youwere working towards something
that happened to serve you inthis other purpose. And so, you
know, almost by accident, youend up at Harvard. And I don't
want to diminish, you know, howintelligent you are and how hard
you actually did work, right?
But it wasn't like you werestriving to go to Harvard. You
(20:41):
ended up there. And then, I'msure something similar happened
with your PhDs. Like, peopledon't just like, waltz into a
PhD program, but it sounds likeyou did. And you know, beyond
getting in, you also finished,which is, you know, no small
feat, right? No, that wasdifficult. And then you you
started a business, which isalso a humongous undertaking.
(21:02):
And I'm wondering where thisdrive has come from for you, and
how you thought about at thetime, or even now, looking back,
these switches in direction,like the trajectory, like I'm
sure when you were in your PhDprogram, you thought at some
level you would become aprofessor totally. And then all
(21:24):
of a sudden, you know, you youtook a left turn. So tell us
about that a little bit. Yeah, Idon't think a left turn ever
feels like a left turn in themoment, it feels like the
natural next step. And I thinkthat in hindsight, also when
you're living it, you it justfeels natural and makes sense.
There's one other right turn, ifwe want to call it that, there
(21:46):
is one other that that you miss,which is about like, eight years
in the nonprofit sectorcommunity development. So yeah,
and then a ton of countries aswell. So I was really moving
around a lot, which was so therewas a lot of, a lot of shift up
at the core of it all. So I'mgonna go back to my dad again,
very, very core influence in mylife. And he used to have the
saying, you know, like, Iremember when I called home and
(22:10):
I'm like, Yeah, I was gonna bepre med at Harvard, and now I've
decided to major in filmproduction. I mean, take a lot
of courses on Islamic Studies.
And everyone was like, wait,what? You know, there's a lot of
community pushback, like, areyou really letting your daughter
do that? And Dad's point to mewas, you know, follow your heart
and the money will follow.
Follow your heart and the moneywill follow. Like, that was a
line that I heard often thepoint where I internalized it
(22:34):
very deeply, and at the core ofthat so the part that the money
will follow, I later learned isnot true. Later learn,
Aliaa Remtilla (22:46):
maybe a little bit the world is not
economically just. So if yourheart happens to not include the
production of wealth as anexplicit aim, it will not
necessarily follow, right? Yeah,that has to be a part of what
your goal is. But at the at thecore, was okay. So if you have
to, if what Dad's telling me isthat I need to follow my heart,
(23:10):
then at every step in thejourney, I need to take that
step back to ask myself, Whatdoes my heart want? And I think
what I was when I when I lookedat my parents, people in my
parents generation, and manyaround me who had constraints in
their life. When you have aconstraint, when you are a
(23:30):
migrant, when you are living ina context of political
uncertainty, like my parentswere in their generation, you
don't have the luxury to followyour heart. You follow what is
practical, or you choose to makethe pursuit of wealth and
creation of wealth for futuregenerations, right, for
stability, that is what yourheart desires, right? So even if
(23:54):
you are following your heartdesires, it is not about the
work itself, but it is aboutwhat the work can afford you and
your family. And I think that asyou grow older, that also comes
in, right, regardless of who youare and how secure your life
already is, that becomes part ofwhat your heart desires. At the
age of 1820, 25 even 30, withoutchildren, without a partner,
(24:19):
what my heart desired was, youknow, require deep exploration,
and was often about work thatfelt fulfilling and meaningful
to me and that challenged mepersonally, deeply challenged me
that helped me grow and developnew skill sets. And so it's only
(24:40):
logical if that is what my heartdesired, that I would pursue one
path, develop, acquire andmaster skills within that
trajectory, and then shifttrajectories so that I could
further round those out, buildthem in a different direction.
Unknown (25:00):
Direction, feel challenged once again, and, you
know, just become more fully me.
And I think for me, that's life,right? There is no end, like
it's life isn't perfect. Thingshappen to us, and we need to
figure out how we we work withinwhatever gets placed. We were
talking about 911 no control. Itinfluences everything, right?
(25:23):
It's just one, I mean, so manyother different things coming
your way, at a large scale, at asmall scale, and then within
that, it's this question of, Howam I fully living my heart's
desire, but also fully livingwhat I want from this moment,
and honestly, that's the bitthat's never changed. That was a
(25:44):
core skill that I acquired. Andso yeah, sure, it might look
like twists and turns, but it'sjust a deep, deep commitment to
doing what my heart desires, andthen having the confidence that
if I desire, whatever I desire,I will do, I can do, and I will
(26:06):
excel at. I love that so much.
It was not my experience. I wishit were I didn't have, like, a
guiding heuristic, which didsound like you really did. You
know I can look back at thetwist and turn in my life and
understand, maybesubconsciously, what I was
trying to move towards. And nowthat I have, you know, done the
(26:29):
work to really understand what Ithink my heart's desire is and
what my hopefully, my purpose isthe thing that keeps driving me
forward. I can put that on, youknow, the pivots that I made
over the course of my life andmake it all make sense. But I
know that I am, you know, doingthe hindsight is 2020. Thing I
love that you had a core valueand a practice of stepping back
(26:53):
and interrogating yourself andyour environment and your work
to continually stay on the pathand stay in alignment with
yourself. I think that is soadmirable, so impressive, and it
is really what I hope for somany young people who are
concerned about maybe theexterior appearance of a
straight line rather than aninternal straight line, like,
(27:18):
Oh my gosh. So this brings me tosomething that you we were
chatting about before I turnedon the recording, that you're
kind of like taking taking iteasy in December. You're not
really chasing anything, and youknow, you're letting you know if
things come to you, they come toyou, but you're really just
taking some time for yourself.
And that is something that Istill struggle to hold space for
(27:40):
in my life, and I know that thatis something that is probably
taking you some some work, eventhough you you did have this
Heart's Desire thing you knowfrom the start. And I also know
that this is something that youhelp other people with, maybe
not this exact challenge, butthese sorts of challenges. So
talk to us about that pivot intoyour coaching life and how your
(28:02):
own journey has influenced howyou coach. Yeah, so this, this
deep question of, what is itthat I really want for myself? I
did a lot of youth work at onestage in my career with with 18
to 25 year olds to work on this,like, who am I? Kind of
question, right? One of thethings that I've realized more
(28:25):
recently through my startupcareer is that as I was engaging
with folks, you know, who are intheir 30s, 40s, 50s, that kind
of work, that deeper questionof, who am I and what do I want
for myself? It doesn't stop it'snot a one and done, right? Like
we need to keep answering thatquestion. And I think that when,
(28:47):
when folks get married, havechildren, and then are trying to
balance that. Now my identity isnot only defined, especially for
high achievers, right? So mycoaching work works specifically
with high achievers, and forthose of us who are both, I
think we can both fit into thatgeneral category for people who
are trying to achieve at a veryhigh level. So much of my
(29:11):
identity, at least, was wrappedup in what I was doing
professionally, right? So myprofessional career divided my
identity, and then I think therebecome these other layers of
identity that get layered ontop. We were talking about
intersectionality earlier,right? And as a kid, it's like,
okay, well, I am a daughter, orI am a son, or am I a child? I
(29:31):
am a grandchild, I am a cousin,I am a friend. I have all of
these kind of otherresponsibilities that just don't
seem as front and center asprofessional. And then when
people get married, becoming aspouse, or even just having a
partner without the formality ofmarriage, becoming a parent,
these are the types ofresponsibilities, ways of being
(29:56):
that that we.
Aliaa Remtilla (30:00):
We want to really dig deep and then
becoming a caregiver for agingparents, right? So there's,
there's so much involved, andwe're at the beak of our career.
So how does that all getbalanced? And how, and for me,
at the core, like there's somuch discussion, sometimes this
often comes to, like, the guilt.
It comes down to this feeling ofguilt for not being able to do
(30:21):
everything properly, or the waythat I want to be doing it,
having to say no, feeling okaywith saying no. For me, I think
that's all the outwardmanifestation of a core inner
challenge, which is that Ihaven't yet figured out what I
want for myself. So the outsidenoise, outside expectations are
(30:42):
amorphously experienced, but notpinned down and defined. And a
lot of the work that I helpfolks do is to peel back all of
that and do that inner work thatI've been doing since I was a
child, and sort of bringing thatwhat is at the core of my way of
living in the world, supportingeach of my clients in a way that
(31:07):
is super specific and tailoredto them and their way of being
to do that work for themselvesin that moment of their life,
and figure out, okay, I kind ofknew who I was, but let me
actually reground and re askthis question, and to your
point, so, so that's, that's thecoaching work. And to your
(31:28):
question around like takingDecember easy, you're right.
It's not easy. It's just, it'swhat do I want right now? So
when I've asked myself thatquestion at the moment, what is
it that I truly desire? Whatdoes my heart tell me that I
need right now? My heart tellsme I need to figure out how to
be and it's just where I'mreally like this is super
(31:52):
vulnerably personally sharing.
I'm at a place in my journeywhere I think so much of being
an achiever is looking to thefuture and so orienting our
present towards the attainmentwe can whatever it is that we're
trying to attain in the future.
The reality is we live in apresent. And one of the things
(32:14):
that I'm working on very, veryexplicitly at the moment is,
what is that? What does it meanto be to surrender into the
present? I have goosebumps.
Listeners, you can't see this,but I'm holding up a post it
note
Sheila Akbar (32:31):
I keep on my computer. This is the thing that
I'm working on. I also work withcoach, and one of the things
that we are working on is movingfrom the idea of taking space
for myself is like everybodyjust leave me alone. Shifting
that from like I just want tobe, I just want to be, and the
thing that I want to be is goingto fill up all that space. And
(32:52):
sort of like you were saying,it's not going to require me to
say no to this, or thinkcarefully if I'm going to take
on this responsibility, my lifeis going to be so full of what I
want it to be, that that's noteven a question. I love that so
much. Gosh, we all have so muchwe can learn from you. I'm
really glad you came and decidedto vulnerably share all of that.
(33:12):
It is really hard work, and Ithink the work gets easier in
community, whether that's, youknow, one on one, or with other
people who share our values orwho can hold space for our goals
when we can't hold them forourselves? So yeah, thank you.
Thank you so much for being partof my community. This is great.
Thanks for the conversation. Ofcourse, I think this is a great
(33:33):
place to leave it. I've taken upso much of your time, but like I
said, I'm sure I could talk toyou about a lot of these things.
I would love to watch your yourfilm, your dissertation film,
yeah, some point you shouldshare that with me. Yeah. We'll
turn off the recording in asecond. But before I let you go,
I have a very good friend whofinished her PhD in Social I
want to say it's socialanthropology from the new
(33:55):
school. And she finished in 2016I want to say, and she worked on
the concept of charity.
Unknown (34:04):
Basically, charity is white supremacy in Islamic
giving, and I think you guyswould really love each other, so
I will introduce you to her aswell. Okay, back to the podcast.
Thank you again. This was areally wonderful conversation.
If people want to learn moreabout the work you do, how to
maybe be coached by you, orjust, you know, hear more of
(34:27):
your wisdom, these little pearlsof wisdom that you keep
dropping. How can they do that?
Easiest ways just to connectwith me or send me a message on
LinkedIn. I think that's like,super, super easy. Otherwise,
also, I have, I have a website.
My film is actually on mywebsite. So, oh, great. You want
to see the website? It's justaliarola.com I'll make sure both
of those are linked in the shownotes. Awesome. Sounds good?
(34:49):
Okay, thank you again. Yay.
Thank you.
Sheila Akbar (34:54):
Well, there you have it. Hope you enjoyed that
conversation. There was a lot wehad to leave on the cutting room
floor, just for length, but itwas super interesting, and I
really do encourage you to checkout her website and follow her
on LinkedIn. And as we wind downthe year here, I do want to let
you know we will be on a breakuntil mid January, and then we
(35:17):
will be back. And like I'veteased previously, we will be
switching up the format a littlebit here some live coaching.
We'll do a lot of Q and Asessions, and then every once in
a while, we will have sometraditional sort of interview
style sessions as well. And Ihope that that is all very
interesting and helpful for allof you. If you have a question
(35:38):
that you would like to haveanswered on air by me or one of
my teammates, please submit itto us. You can find the links in
the show notes, or you can emailus at info, at
signeteducation.com, and happynew year everybody. We'll see
you next time.
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