Building a Foundation of Self-Kindness with Demetria Nickens

Why Is Self-Compassion Important In Trauma Recovery, And How Can It Be Developed?

Unlock the transformative power of self-compassion with trauma recovery coach and mental health instructor, Demetria Nickens. Join us as Demetria unravels her extensive experience over two decades, offering profound insights into the journey of healing trauma by embracing grace and kindness towards oneself. This episode promises to reveal how practicing self-compassion helps in piecing together one's past, confronting difficult emotions, and honoring the resilience that has carried you through life's challenges. Discover the crucial role of letting go of shame and guilt, and replacing outdated trauma responses with healthier behaviors.

Engage with co-host Garfield Bowen as he navigates a thought-provoking conversation with Demetria, exploring practical steps to nurture self-compassion. With heartfelt wisdom, Demetria sheds light on the importance of acknowledging past survival mechanisms and how small, intentional changes can catalyze significant personal growth. Whether you're on your own journey of trauma recovery or supporting someone else, this episode offers invaluable advice to cultivate a kinder relationship with yourself. Tune in for an empowering discussion that is sure to inspire and guide you toward a more compassionate path.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to the Doves Inner Beauty Podcast, where we
foster emotional awareness oneindividual at a time.
Leading the way is DemetriaNickens, a certified mental
health first aid instructor andtrauma recovery coach with over
two decades of experience infostering emotional awareness in
others by engaging their mentalhealth.

Speaker 2 (00:33):
Demetria Nickens helps us to understand why
self-compassion isn't just beingnice to yourself.
It's a powerful tool in traumarecovery.
How does practicingself-compassion support healing
and how can someone start todevelop it?
Welcome back everyone.
This is Garfield Bone, co-host,slash producer.
Back in the studio withDemetria Nickens.

(00:56):
Demetria, how's it going?

Speaker 3 (00:59):
Hey, it's going okay.

Speaker 2 (01:01):
So, Demetria why is self-compassion important in
trauma recovery and how can itbe developed?

Speaker 3 (01:09):
So self-compassion is really important when you think
about trauma recovery, coachingor just trying to recover from
any type of trauma, right thisidea that you have to be
compassionate with yourself, youhave to give yourself grace.
In this process, you are goingto discover things about
yourself.
You are going to see things ina different way, you're going to

(01:30):
put puzzle pieces together ofyour life that maybe there were
points in your life where youdidn't want to feel these things
right.
And so when you think about allof that and kind of putting
that together, it's importantthat you show yourself right,
this idea of compassion, rightthis idea that you know what
today was hard, right, facingthis thing was difficult, and so

(01:53):
making sure you give yourself araise and compassion on that
aspect.
But also, as you're goingthrough it, this idea of when
you experience something, as akid you dealt with it in a very
specific way, but you don't likea kid, you dealt with it in a
very specific way, but you don'tlike the way that you dealt
with it.
Let's say, you fought right.
You were like your response wasfight or flight.

(02:14):
Some people, they were thefighters, right, and so you know
, maybe you feel a way becauseyou were the fighter right.
Something happened, you wereactivated and, out of fear, you
fought, and now you have shameor guilt associated with being a
fighter, but that's how yousurvived, right?
You technically got to thisplace in your life now where

(02:34):
you're in trauma recovery,coaching, where you're trying to
get through all of those thingsthat happened to you in your
life.
That little person that foughtwas just surviving, and so you
survived to this point.
So being able to just honorthat right, giving yourself
enough self-compassion to honorthat little fighter right that
got you to this day.
Oftentimes, people just want toshame that right.

(02:56):
They want to look at that andlook at it as a negative thing
and shame that emotion or theaction that happened out of that
emotion.
But you didn't know what youdidn't know back then.
Right, you know better, you dobetter, and so it's important
that we remember that and giveourselves compassion, right?
You have kids.
Give your kids compassion right.
What they don't know, theydon't know.
So it's important that we'reall just trying to survive in

(03:18):
this thing called life and itgets hard, and so, in that, it's
important that we don't look atourselves with all of the shame
and all this guilt and we justhold on to it and feel away.
Honor that right.
You got this far in your life.
Right now you can put sometools in place that you don't
have to continue doing that.

(03:39):
Sometimes we act out of traumareactions oh, this is how it's
always been.
I'm going to continue to dothis.
This works for me out of traumareactions oh, this is how it's
always been.
I'm going to continue to dothis.
This works for me.
It isn't working for you.
Now, right, and so asking thosequestions now and being able to
change and being able to knowbetter, do better matters.
And so, in order to know better, do better, you've got to give
yourself compassion for theperson that you were right, the
person that got you to thispoint, and so that

(04:01):
self-compassion part isnecessary for your journey to be
that complete person.

Speaker 2 (04:08):
So is there some kind of baby steps we can take to
this whole self-compassion thing?
Is there like a beginning, ofcourse, for not being hard on
yourself?

Speaker 3 (04:20):
Hmm, unfortunately it's not like a course or
anything right Well, at leastnot that I have right.
But for me, in terms of how Ihelp people with this idea of
self-compassion, is being ableto recognize what you need to
give yourself compassion for.
People need to inherently knowthemselves.
You need to really get to thispart of feeling okay with who

(04:44):
you are, and often people don'twant to sit with themselves.
They'd rather avoid whatever itis that's going on.
And so, for me, I want to givepeople a space to feel okay with
, to sit with themselves, givethem space to cry, give them
space to be upset, give themspace to feel whatever it is
they need to feel.
One of the things that I sayall the time allow yourself to

(05:06):
feel and heal.
And so this idea of feelingright, giving people space to
feel, give yourself space tofeel it whatever it is, feel it
right.
And so that's like my baby stepwhatever that is, even if it's
anger, feel it right.
Recognize what you want to reactand do next, but try to stop

(05:26):
yourself from the reaction part.
Just feel the anger right.
Is it heat?
Is it sweat?
Is it?
You know what is it Like?
What is it that you feel?
And allow yourself to feel thatright.
Is that tears that come out ofthat anger?
And that's okay too.
And being okay with however youfeel right, acknowledging that

(05:47):
you feel this way, is just suchan important step in getting to
this idea of self-compassion.
If you don't understand you,then how can you expect somebody
else to understand you and bein a relationship with people?
Right?
You got to understand you andwho you are in order to get to
the next steps in this life, anddefinitely for self-compassion,
that understanding you part hasgot to come first.

Speaker 2 (06:12):
So this self-compassion thing, what's a
normal time of getting throughthis?
And if you don't get through itby then, are you considered
abnormal then are you consideredabnormal?

Speaker 3 (06:30):
you know, I would say absolutely not.
I don't like to put time frameson anything, especially when it
comes to healing.
Often people I think peoplehave a huge misconception of
healing.
People think that, oh, I'mgonna go see a therapist one or
two, three times and I, oh, I'mhealed from whatever thing.
Healing is a journey on thisthing called life.
Healing is not something thatyou're just gonna go see
somebody a coach, a therapist.
Healing is not something thatyou're just going to go see
somebody a coach, a therapist,no matter who it is and you're
just going to be healed.
And I don't have to worry aboutthis anymore.

(06:51):
Right, there are things that aregoing to be quote, unquote
triggers to you, that are goingto change how you feel about
something, but that'll bringback past memories that are
going to impact you.
There are going to be things.
Right, it is how you deal withthe moving forward that matters
in terms of seeing the change.
So the idea is to see thechange in yourself.

(07:12):
Right, being able to know and acoach can help you do that Are
you?
Are there change?
Is there gradual change?
Right, you used to see this way, but now you know what I'm
thinking about, this whole thingtotally different If this would
have happened 10 years ago.
Man, I'm a totally differentperson.
That's change.
And so being able to noticethat change, those changes in
who you are as a person, how youthink about yourself, how you

(07:36):
view other people, the empathyyou have for you and others,
those things are ways that youcan kind of, I guess, notice the
timeline of it all.
But at the end of the day, it'sa journey.
There are things I stillstruggle with, right, and I
coach people through their life,but there are things that I
still struggle with too.
It's a journey, and we walkthis journey together.

(07:57):
Right At the end of the day,we're all trying to deal with
things that we have in our life,and so the idea is that how do
you see the change Like?
What are the changes that yousee?
Do you see yourself being morecompassionate?
Do you see yourself being morepatient?
Do you see yourself working onyour anger?
Do you see yourself you know?
What is it like?
What do you notice within youthat is changing?

(08:19):
And that is how you can markwhether or not.
Wow, I reacted that totallydifferently.
Right, you can try to see atimeline of how you have changed
, but don't try to think of itas this day, by this day, you're
going to be great.
Healing is a journey.
When it comes to trauma, right,and you got to stay on that
journey.
It's just important because ifyou don't, you'll just fall back

(08:39):
into some of the same traumareactions, and you don't want to
do that.

Speaker 2 (08:44):
The importance of self-compassion in trauma
recovery.
Love it, Demetra.
You have a wonderful rest ofthe day.
We'll see you in the nextepisode.

Speaker 1 (08:55):
Thank you.
Thank you for tuning in to theDoves Inner Beauty podcast,
where we foster emotionalawareness, one individual at a
time.
For a complimentaryconsultation, visit Dove's Inner
Beauty dot com or call336-298-6599.
That's 336-298-6599.