March 25, 2025 • 13 mins
What Role Does Vulnerability Play In Building Authentic Connections?
What happens when we tear down our walls and let others see the real us? Certified Mental Health First Aid Instructor Demetria Nickens tackles vulnerability's paradox: it terrifies us, yet it's essential for our wellbeing. Through honest conversation, she unpacks why we resist being seen and the steep price we pay for emotional isolation.
The conversation shifts to practical application in professional settings, where vulnerability takes different forms. Demetria shares her own powerful journey, revealing how carefully chosen vulnerability freed her from carrying childhood trauma alone. Her insights illuminate how we can strategically share parts of ourselves without surrendering our boundaries or tying our self-worth to others' judgments. The episode delivers a nuanced framework for connection: one where we can be seen without being consumed, where strategic openness creates healing rather than harm. Ready to transform your relationships through authentic connection? This conversation offers both the why and the how.
For more information about Dove’s Inner B.E.A.U.T.Y. visit:
https://www.DovesInnerBeauty.com/
Dove’s Inner B.E.A.U.T.Y.
(336) 298-6599
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Dove's Inner Beauty Podcast, where we
foster emotional awareness, oneindividual at a time.
Leading the way is DemetriaNickens, a certified mental
health first aid instructor andtrauma recovery coach with over
two decades of experience infostering emotional awareness in
others by engaging their mentalhealth awareness in others by
(00:30):
engaging their mental health.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Vulnerability is often seen as a weakness, but in
reality, it's a powerful toolfor building general
relationships.
How can embracing vulnerabilityhelp us connect more
authentically with others, andwhat steps can we take to feel
more comfortable showing ourtrue selves?
Welcome back everyone.
This is Garfield Bone, co-host,slash producer.
Back in the studio with the oneand only Demetria Nickens.
(00:57):
Demetria, how's it going?
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Hey, it's going good, Going good.
How are you?
Speaker 2 (01:02):
I'm doing well, doing well, I'm blessed.
It's going good, going good.
How are you?
I'm doing well, doing well, I'mblessed.
So what role does vulnerabilityplay in building authentic
connections?
Speaker 3 (01:15):
And how can we become more comfortable with it?
Oh, always the good questions,I love it.
So, when we think aboutvulnerability, it's important to
really understand thedefinition of that word.
Right, we think about this ideaof being exposed, right?
This idea that this exposurecould possibly cause you harm.
When we consider exposingourselves to others, we think
(01:38):
about what is this person goingto say?
What are they going to thinkabout me?
What are they going to tellothers?
We have all these thoughtsabout what someone else is going
to do, and so, at the end ofthe day, we worry whether or not
can I be vulnerable withsomeone else?
Can I trust them enough to sayX, y, Z, right?
(02:00):
And so when we think aboutvulnerability and connections
with others, we have to reallythink about is this somebody
that I want to be vulnerablewith first?
Right, if I expose myself tothis individual, do I still feel
a sense of safety after I'vesaid what I need to say and
that's really a biggestconsideration there right, is
(02:21):
that oftentimes we don't havethis sense of safety with people
, so we don't get too close, wedon't let them get too close,
right?
I don't know what you're goingto say to somebody else.
So I'm not telling you nothingabout my life, right?
And so this idea that we haveto decide if we want this person
(02:41):
in our life, we have to decidehow close we want this person to
be in our life, right?
And then we have to say, well,what am I willing to share, what
am I not willing to share?
Right, there are going to bethings in your life that carry
guilt, there are going to bethings in your life that carry
shame, and those things aregoing to stop you from being
vulnerable with someone elsebecause you don't want to be
(03:05):
exposed, and so it's importantthat you consider who you're
talking to.
How does this connection andthis person make you feel?
Do you want this person to bein your life for a long period
of time, or is it a short periodof time?
There's a lot of questions thatyou really need to ask yourself
.
If you're deciding to bevulnerable with someone Because
(03:25):
you are essentially exposingyourself to that person, right,
they could say or do anything.
How grounded are you in you tobe able to be okay with whatever
they have to say, once you'vesaid what you need to say?
And so all of those things arethings to really consider.
When you think about beingvulnerable with somebody and
(03:47):
because of all those things,people just choose not to do it.
Right, they're like, no, I'mgood, I want to do this, I'm
going to keep it to myself, I'mnot going to do it.
But the problem with that is isthat, as human connection is so
important, right, being socialwith one another is an important
life skill, right, right?
And when we decide to justblock everybody out, we're
(04:10):
isolating ourselves.
Right, we are not made forisolation.
Right, we are made forconnection, and so it is
important that we think aboutthat.
When we decide to just isolate,that I'm going to block myself
off from someone and I'm justgoing to not do this and I'm not
not do that, who are you evergoing to be vulnerable with?
And when we decide that we'renot going to be vulnerable with
(04:32):
and when we decide that we'renot going to be vulnerable with
people, we're messing up thisidea of connection with people.
We're messing with our mentalhealth.
Right, there's going to be adecline when you lack
interaction with other people.
Finding your mental health whenyou lack interaction with other
people, right, and I'm notsaying you have to tell
everybody everything.
(04:52):
I'm not saying that at all.
I'm not saying you can't beguarded.
I'm not saying you can't haveboundaries.
I'm saying you need all ofthose things.
Right, you do have to thinkabout all those things, but you
don't want to be a silo, youdon't want to just be you.
You don't want to look aroundone day and realize that there's
no one around you that youtrust, that there's no one
around you that you feel likeyou can talk to about your
(05:15):
problems, that there's no onearound you, that you feel a
sense of safety with right,because that's a very dangerous
space to be in.
Right when you think about itwith your mental health, because
then you start to question yourself-worth, you start to
question who you are.
(05:37):
It leads to very dangerous roads, and so it's important that
vulnerability in terms ofembracing it right this idea of
embracing vulnerability isreally just more of what is it
that you're so afraid of?
Being able to understand whatthe fear is?
Where's the fear in theexposure?
There are things about my lifethat I just don't want people to
know, but, at the end of theday, if I want people to
(05:58):
understand why they should comesee me as a coach, I've got to
be somewhat vulnerable,vulnerability with someone that
has trauma in their life can bedifficult, because you don't
feel a lack of safety withpeople automatically, right,
because that safety was takenfrom you a long time ago and so
you have to build these levelsof safety back up in your life.
(06:19):
And that starts with you, itstarts with your comfortability,
it starts with you knowing youenough to say I feel safe with
this person, but not with thisperson.
I feel safe giving this part ofthe story but not this part of
the story, and being able to beokay, being able to say, well,
whatever comes from that, I'mgoing to be okay with right, and
(06:44):
that is part of it.
Being able to know yourselfenough to know how you're going
to feel if something comes outor something is known about you
that you don't want others toknow.
Is there going to be shame?
Are you going to isolate?
Is your mental health going todecline?
What does that look like whenyou are quote unquote exposed
(07:04):
right, and only you can say that, because only you feel the
things on the inside, only youhear the things that your inner
critic is saying to you, right?
Do you counter those things?
Are you even working oncountering those things that are
being said, and so it's asensitive topic.
But, at the end of the day, youhave to make those choices for
(07:28):
you, you know.
Is it going to be isolation andwithdrawal, which isn't going
to help your mental health, oris it going to be okay?
I'm going to make those choicesfor you, you know.
Is it going to be isolation andwithdrawal, which isn't going
to help your mental health, oris it going to be OK?
I'm going to make thesedecisions, to set these
boundaries, to say this is whatI'm OK with, this is what I'm
not, this is who I'm OK with,this is who I'm not, and move
forward and those decisions youhave to make.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
I feel like I'm being coached here.
But To come at this fromanother angle, what does this
look like in a professionalsetting?
Speaker 3 (07:59):
So work, for instance .
I love that you said that whenyou're in a work environment,
you don't necessarily get tochoose your coworkers.
You have to work with them.
Maybe you're in a team.
There are things that you haveto do.
Maybe you want your team to gowell and maybe they'll do
workshops and team-buildingactivities where they want you
to tell something about you.
(08:20):
We've all probably been throughit.
If you've ever worked in aprofessional environment, these
things happen.
You have to decide what storiesyou're okay with telling.
You have to say, okay, I couldtell this quick, funny story
about me in college gettingdrunk right, because everybody
else can relate to that, right.
But maybe I don't talk aboutsomething that's way more
serious in my life, like thetrauma that I had when I was in
(08:40):
college.
Maybe I don't talk about that,I'm gonna leave that alone.
But I'm gonna talk aboutsomething more surface that
everybody can relate to.
And you're still beingvulnerable because you're
sharing a part of you thatpeople could still judge you for
.
At the end of the day, it comesdown to this idea of judgment
and how much judgment you areokay with in someone else, but
your personal self-worth, yourpersonal self-esteem, has to
(09:03):
remain solid whenever you getattacked from a judgment
standpoint from other people.
And so this is why peoplearen't vulnerable because of
those judgment attacks.
Right, nobody wants judgmentattacks on them, but at the end
of the day, people are going tobe people, people are going to
judge you right there, going topoint figures, they're going to
laugh, they're going to say thethings they want to say.
(09:23):
Or you create a connection withsomeone and they're like oh man
, I had the same issue incollege.
Man, I drank way too much.
And then the story gets sharedback and forth and now you have
something you can relate to withsomeone.
Now you have someone that, ohman, we should go to lunch, we
(09:44):
should talk more I didn't evenrealize that about you, right,
and you can get these beautifulfriendships out of it.
Versus I'm scared, I'm notgonna say anything.
So it's being able to know yourstory and say I'm willing to
share this, but not at this, I'mnot ready to talk about this
shit.
Right, there was a time in lifethere was no way I was ever
going to say that I was sexuallyabused as a child.
Oh, my gosh, like I was nevergoing to say that ever to
anybody.
(10:04):
It was going to stay with meforever inside Right, but I
couldn't heal like that.
I couldn't get the healing.
I needed to keep that in.
I needed to be free from thatRight and so being vulnerable
helped me to be free from that.
Being able to say that out loudfreed me from this pain that I
(10:24):
was feeling about it Like it wasmy fault, it wasn't right.
But those are things I had tolearn.
I didn't know that up front.
Those are things I had to learnand so when you learn and you
heal and you feel right, you canbe more vulnerable with people
because you know who you are,you are firm in your self-worth,
(10:44):
you are firm in yourself-esteem.
So you can be vulnerablebecause no one else and their
judgment is going to stop youfrom that.
So in professional environments,you just have to know what
you're willing to share and whatyou're not.
Don't go doing two truths and alie and then it'd be something
that you didn't want to share.
If you're going to play thosegames right and work with people
, you got to make sure it'sthings that you're willing to
(11:06):
share and that if judgment comesat you, you're not going to
start reacting to peopleEmotionally.
You got to handle you.
No one else is going to handleyou.
You have to handle you and youcan't keep writing people off
just because they quote unquotemishandled you.
Are you firm enough in yourself?
Right, have you looked atyourself?
Where is your self-worth?
(11:27):
Where is your self-esteem?
Where do those sit?
Where do those lie?
Right, and it cannot be in thethoughts of other people.
Right, it cannot be in whatother people think about you.
It has to be what you thinkabout, because when you're so
more than yourself, it's thesame lies in other people.
You will continue to reactnegatively to all the judgment.
You will continue to react inways that don't help you.
(11:49):
Right, know what you're willingto say and what you're not
willing to say.
Get healed.
Say things that matter and helpand connect right that help Get
healed.
Say things that matter and helpand connect right that help you
be more connective to folksinstead of disconnected to folks
.
Isolation is not a beautifulthing, right?
Unless you're isolating to takecare of you, you're isolating
to say, no, I'm going to bemindful, I'm going to be present
(12:11):
in this moment, right now.
I need to handle me and my body.
You're isolating for thosereasons, not because everybody
else in the world is mean to me.
You're going to have toencounter people in this life
and in this world and say how doyou do that?
How do you do that and stepforward?
How do you do that and stay you?
How do you do that and be okay?
Speaker 2 (12:29):
Set boundaries right, think through it and decide
what you're going to do, whatyou're willing and what you're
not Great stuff, and I guessthese are things that you, as a
coach, could provide tools tohelp people to be more
vulnerable, to create meaningfulrelationships.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
Love it.
We'll catch you on the nextepisode.
You have a fantastic rest ofthe day.
Speaker 3 (12:55):
Thank you next episode.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
You have a fantastic rest of the day, thank you.
Thank you for tuning into theDove's Inner Beauty podcast,
where we foster emotionalawareness, one individual at a
time.
For a complimentaryconsultation, visit
dovesinnerbeautycom or call336-298-6599.
That's 336-298-6599.
That's 336-298-6599.
Welcome to the Dove's Inner Beauty Podcast, where we
foster emotional awareness, oneindividual at a time.
Leading the way is DemetriaNickens, a certified mental
health first aid instructor andtrauma recovery coach with over
two decades of experience infostering emotional awareness in
others by engaging their mentalhealth awareness in others by
(00:30):
engaging their mental health.
Speaker 2 (00:35):
Vulnerability is often seen as a weakness, but in
reality, it's a powerful toolfor building general
relationships.
How can embracing vulnerabilityhelp us connect more
authentically with others, andwhat steps can we take to feel
more comfortable showing ourtrue selves?
Welcome back everyone.
This is Garfield Bone, co-host,slash producer.
Back in the studio with the oneand only Demetria Nickens.
(00:57):
Demetria, how's it going?
Speaker 3 (00:59):
Hey, it's going good, Going good.
How are you?
Speaker 2 (01:02):
I'm doing well, doing well, I'm blessed.
It's going good, going good.
How are you?
I'm doing well, doing well, I'mblessed.
So what role does vulnerabilityplay in building authentic
connections?
Speaker 3 (01:15):
And how can we become more comfortable with it?
Oh, always the good questions,I love it.
So, when we think aboutvulnerability, it's important to
really understand thedefinition of that word.
Right, we think about this ideaof being exposed, right?
This idea that this exposurecould possibly cause you harm.
When we consider exposingourselves to others, we think
(01:38):
about what is this person goingto say?
What are they going to thinkabout me?
What are they going to tellothers?
We have all these thoughtsabout what someone else is going
to do, and so, at the end ofthe day, we worry whether or not
can I be vulnerable withsomeone else?
Can I trust them enough to sayX, y, Z, right?
(02:00):
And so when we think aboutvulnerability and connections
with others, we have to reallythink about is this somebody
that I want to be vulnerablewith first?
Right, if I expose myself tothis individual, do I still feel
a sense of safety after I'vesaid what I need to say and
that's really a biggestconsideration there right, is
(02:21):
that oftentimes we don't havethis sense of safety with people
, so we don't get too close, wedon't let them get too close,
right?
I don't know what you're goingto say to somebody else.
So I'm not telling you nothingabout my life, right?
And so this idea that we haveto decide if we want this person
(02:41):
in our life, we have to decidehow close we want this person to
be in our life, right?
And then we have to say, well,what am I willing to share, what
am I not willing to share?
Right, there are going to bethings in your life that carry
guilt, there are going to bethings in your life that carry
shame, and those things aregoing to stop you from being
vulnerable with someone elsebecause you don't want to be
(03:05):
exposed, and so it's importantthat you consider who you're
talking to.
How does this connection andthis person make you feel?
Do you want this person to bein your life for a long period
of time, or is it a short periodof time?
There's a lot of questions thatyou really need to ask yourself
.
If you're deciding to bevulnerable with someone Because
(03:25):
you are essentially exposingyourself to that person, right,
they could say or do anything.
How grounded are you in you tobe able to be okay with whatever
they have to say, once you'vesaid what you need to say?
And so all of those things arethings to really consider.
When you think about beingvulnerable with somebody and
(03:47):
because of all those things,people just choose not to do it.
Right, they're like, no, I'mgood, I want to do this, I'm
going to keep it to myself, I'mnot going to do it.
But the problem with that is isthat, as human connection is so
important, right, being socialwith one another is an important
life skill, right, right?
And when we decide to justblock everybody out, we're
(04:10):
isolating ourselves.
Right, we are not made forisolation.
Right, we are made forconnection, and so it is
important that we think aboutthat.
When we decide to just isolate,that I'm going to block myself
off from someone and I'm justgoing to not do this and I'm not
not do that, who are you evergoing to be vulnerable with?
And when we decide that we'renot going to be vulnerable with
(04:32):
and when we decide that we'renot going to be vulnerable with
people, we're messing up thisidea of connection with people.
We're messing with our mentalhealth.
Right, there's going to be adecline when you lack
interaction with other people.
Finding your mental health whenyou lack interaction with other
people, right, and I'm notsaying you have to tell
everybody everything.
(04:52):
I'm not saying that at all.
I'm not saying you can't beguarded.
I'm not saying you can't haveboundaries.
I'm saying you need all ofthose things.
Right, you do have to thinkabout all those things, but you
don't want to be a silo, youdon't want to just be you.
You don't want to look aroundone day and realize that there's
no one around you that youtrust, that there's no one
around you that you feel likeyou can talk to about your
(05:15):
problems, that there's no onearound you, that you feel a
sense of safety with right,because that's a very dangerous
space to be in.
Right when you think about itwith your mental health, because
then you start to question yourself-worth, you start to
question who you are.
(05:37):
It leads to very dangerous roads, and so it's important that
vulnerability in terms ofembracing it right this idea of
embracing vulnerability isreally just more of what is it
that you're so afraid of?
Being able to understand whatthe fear is?
Where's the fear in theexposure?
There are things about my lifethat I just don't want people to
know, but, at the end of theday, if I want people to
(05:58):
understand why they should comesee me as a coach, I've got to
be somewhat vulnerable,vulnerability with someone that
has trauma in their life can bedifficult, because you don't
feel a lack of safety withpeople automatically, right,
because that safety was takenfrom you a long time ago and so
you have to build these levelsof safety back up in your life.
(06:19):
And that starts with you, itstarts with your comfortability,
it starts with you knowing youenough to say I feel safe with
this person, but not with thisperson.
I feel safe giving this part ofthe story but not this part of
the story, and being able to beokay, being able to say, well,
whatever comes from that, I'mgoing to be okay with right, and
(06:44):
that is part of it.
Being able to know yourselfenough to know how you're going
to feel if something comes outor something is known about you
that you don't want others toknow.
Is there going to be shame?
Are you going to isolate?
Is your mental health going todecline?
What does that look like whenyou are quote unquote exposed
(07:04):
right, and only you can say that, because only you feel the
things on the inside, only youhear the things that your inner
critic is saying to you, right?
Do you counter those things?
Are you even working oncountering those things that are
being said, and so it's asensitive topic.
But, at the end of the day, youhave to make those choices for
(07:28):
you, you know.
Is it going to be isolation andwithdrawal, which isn't going
to help your mental health, oris it going to be okay?
I'm going to make those choicesfor you, you know.
Is it going to be isolation andwithdrawal, which isn't going
to help your mental health, oris it going to be OK?
I'm going to make thesedecisions, to set these
boundaries, to say this is whatI'm OK with, this is what I'm
not, this is who I'm OK with,this is who I'm not, and move
forward and those decisions youhave to make.
Speaker 2 (07:49):
I feel like I'm being coached here.
But To come at this fromanother angle, what does this
look like in a professionalsetting?
Speaker 3 (07:59):
So work, for instance .
I love that you said that whenyou're in a work environment,
you don't necessarily get tochoose your coworkers.
You have to work with them.
Maybe you're in a team.
There are things that you haveto do.
Maybe you want your team to gowell and maybe they'll do
workshops and team-buildingactivities where they want you
to tell something about you.
(08:20):
We've all probably been throughit.
If you've ever worked in aprofessional environment, these
things happen.
You have to decide what storiesyou're okay with telling.
You have to say, okay, I couldtell this quick, funny story
about me in college gettingdrunk right, because everybody
else can relate to that, right.
But maybe I don't talk aboutsomething that's way more
serious in my life, like thetrauma that I had when I was in
(08:40):
college.
Maybe I don't talk about that,I'm gonna leave that alone.
But I'm gonna talk aboutsomething more surface that
everybody can relate to.
And you're still beingvulnerable because you're
sharing a part of you thatpeople could still judge you for
.
At the end of the day, it comesdown to this idea of judgment
and how much judgment you areokay with in someone else, but
your personal self-worth, yourpersonal self-esteem, has to
(09:03):
remain solid whenever you getattacked from a judgment
standpoint from other people.
And so this is why peoplearen't vulnerable because of
those judgment attacks.
Right, nobody wants judgmentattacks on them, but at the end
of the day, people are going tobe people, people are going to
judge you right there, going topoint figures, they're going to
laugh, they're going to say thethings they want to say.
(09:23):
Or you create a connection withsomeone and they're like oh man
, I had the same issue incollege.
Man, I drank way too much.
And then the story gets sharedback and forth and now you have
something you can relate to withsomeone.
Now you have someone that, ohman, we should go to lunch, we
(09:44):
should talk more I didn't evenrealize that about you, right,
and you can get these beautifulfriendships out of it.
Versus I'm scared, I'm notgonna say anything.
So it's being able to know yourstory and say I'm willing to
share this, but not at this, I'mnot ready to talk about this
shit.
Right, there was a time in lifethere was no way I was ever
going to say that I was sexuallyabused as a child.
Oh, my gosh, like I was nevergoing to say that ever to
anybody.
(10:04):
It was going to stay with meforever inside Right, but I
couldn't heal like that.
I couldn't get the healing.
I needed to keep that in.
I needed to be free from thatRight and so being vulnerable
helped me to be free from that.
Being able to say that out loudfreed me from this pain that I
(10:24):
was feeling about it Like it wasmy fault, it wasn't right.
But those are things I had tolearn.
I didn't know that up front.
Those are things I had to learnand so when you learn and you
heal and you feel right, you canbe more vulnerable with people
because you know who you are,you are firm in your self-worth,
(10:44):
you are firm in yourself-esteem.
So you can be vulnerablebecause no one else and their
judgment is going to stop youfrom that.
So in professional environments,you just have to know what
you're willing to share and whatyou're not.
Don't go doing two truths and alie and then it'd be something
that you didn't want to share.
If you're going to play thosegames right and work with people
, you got to make sure it'sthings that you're willing to
(11:06):
share and that if judgment comesat you, you're not going to
start reacting to peopleEmotionally.
You got to handle you.
No one else is going to handleyou.
You have to handle you and youcan't keep writing people off
just because they quote unquotemishandled you.
Are you firm enough in yourself?
Right, have you looked atyourself?
Where is your self-worth?
(11:27):
Where is your self-esteem?
Where do those sit?
Where do those lie?
Right, and it cannot be in thethoughts of other people.
Right, it cannot be in whatother people think about you.
It has to be what you thinkabout, because when you're so
more than yourself, it's thesame lies in other people.
You will continue to reactnegatively to all the judgment.
You will continue to react inways that don't help you.
(11:49):
Right, know what you're willingto say and what you're not
willing to say.
Get healed.
Say things that matter and helpand connect right that help Get
healed.
Say things that matter and helpand connect right that help you
be more connective to folksinstead of disconnected to folks
.
Isolation is not a beautifulthing, right?
Unless you're isolating to takecare of you, you're isolating
to say, no, I'm going to bemindful, I'm going to be present
(12:11):
in this moment, right now.
I need to handle me and my body.
You're isolating for thosereasons, not because everybody
else in the world is mean to me.
You're going to have toencounter people in this life
and in this world and say how doyou do that?
How do you do that and stepforward?
How do you do that and stay you?
How do you do that and be okay?
Speaker 2 (12:29):
Set boundaries right, think through it and decide
what you're going to do, whatyou're willing and what you're
not Great stuff, and I guessthese are things that you, as a
coach, could provide tools tohelp people to be more
vulnerable, to create meaningfulrelationships.
Speaker 3 (12:49):
Absolutely.
Speaker 2 (12:50):
Love it.
We'll catch you on the nextepisode.
You have a fantastic rest ofthe day.
Speaker 3 (12:55):
Thank you next episode.
Speaker 1 (13:00):
You have a fantastic rest of the day, thank you.
Thank you for tuning into theDove's Inner Beauty podcast,
where we foster emotionalawareness, one individual at a
time.
For a complimentaryconsultation, visit
dovesinnerbeautycom or call336-298-6599.
That's 336-298-6599.
That's 336-298-6599.
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