March 7, 2025 • 10 mins
How Can We Differentiate Between Healthy Expressions Of Anger And Destructive Reactions, And What Strategies Can Help Us Channel Anger In A More Constructive Way?
Feeling angry is universal, but how we handle that powerful emotion makes all the difference in our relationships and mental well-being. Join certified mental health first aid instructor and trauma recovery coach Demetria Nickens as she skillfully unravels the complex nature of anger and guides us toward healthier expressions.
The conversation begins with a crucial distinction many of us miss: anger is simply an emotion, while yelling, fighting, or withdrawing are our chosen responses to that emotion. Demetria emphasizes that feeling angry isn't the problem—it's what we do with it that matters. Through practical insights and personal examples, she reveals how self-awareness becomes our greatest tool for transformation. "You cannot change something you don't pay attention to," she notes, highlighting how unconscious anger patterns perpetuate destructive cycles.
Ready to transform your relationship with anger? Listen now and discover how this powerful emotion can become a catalyst for growth rather than destruction. Visit DovesInnerBeauty.com for a complimentary consultation and continue your journey toward emotional awareness.
For more information about Dove’s Inner B.E.A.U.T.Y. visit:
https://www.DovesInnerBeauty.com/
Dove’s Inner B.E.A.U.T.Y.
(336) 298-6599
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Transcript
Episode Transcript
Available transcripts are automatically generated. Complete accuracy is not guaranteed.
Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Dove's Inner Beauty Podcast, where we
foster emotional awareness, oneindividual at a time.
Leading the way is DemetriaNickens, a certified mental
health first aid instructor andtrauma recovery coach with over
two decades of experience infostering emotional awareness in
others by engaging their mentalhealth.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Welcome to the Dove's Inner Beauty Podcast awareness
in others by engaging theirmental health.
Anger is a natural emotion, buthow we express it can either
strengthen or damage ourrelationship and well-being.
In this episode, we're going toexplore the fine line between
healthy and harmful expressionsof anger, along with practical
ways to turn this powerfulemotion into a tool for growth
(00:51):
and understanding.
Welcome back everyone.
This is Garfield Born, co-host,slash producer, back in the
studio with the one and onlyDemetria Nickens.
Demetria, how's it going today?
Speaker 3 (01:04):
It's going well.
It's going well.
How are you?
Speaker 2 (01:06):
I got a big question for today.
You ready for it?
Speaker 3 (01:09):
I'm ready.
I'm ready.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
How can we differentiate between healthy
expressions of anger anddestructive reaction, and what
strategies can help us channelanger into a more constructive
way?
Speaker 3 (01:25):
channel anger into a more constructive way.
Such a big question, right?
So, and I want to start withanger.
Right, you started out thisconversation with this idea that
anger being an emotion.
Right, and this is how we haveto see it in order to express it
appropriately.
Right, people see anger andthey think it's the action, it's
(01:47):
the yelling.
Yelling is anger.
No, the anger is the emotion.
The yelling is how you react toit, it's your expression of
that anger, right?
So then, this idea of theexpression of anger, it is how
you show the emotion, right, theexpression is how you show it,
and so it's important thatpeople can differentiate.
Just simply that anger is theemotion first, right, it's not
(02:11):
what you do after.
Right, how you express it isthe problem.
That's healthy or,quote-unquote, destructive.
And so, when we think aboutexpression, how we move forward
in showing this thing, thisemotion, right, if you're sad,
you may cry, right, not always,but maybe.
(02:32):
So with any emotion, there'snormally something that comes
after, right?
So, in anger, there's oftenwhat we like to call these
unhealthy reactions, and so it'simportant that we really think
about how are you reacting toanger?
Right, you have to notice howyou're reacting to it and you
(02:53):
have to notice.
Is it really anger?
So the first way to reallyunderstand, right, how you are
reacting to anger is to justnotice that.
Is this even anger number one,right and number two what do you
do after, right?
What when you're angry?
What happens next?
(03:14):
What's that next thing?
Because if you never notice it,you'll just continue to do
whatever, right?
So if I'm always angry and Iyell, all right time I get angry
, that's not serving me to yellevery time I get angry.
But if you don't notice thatand be able to say, oh, I need
to fix that.
Every time I'm angry, everytime I yell because I get angry,
(03:37):
I need to fix that, you'll justcontinue to do it mindlessly,
right, it'll just continue to goon and on.
And so it's important that youstop right and really think
about well, what is it right?
What is going on?
Can and I notice enough aboutwhat this is?
Is it anger?
Has someone crossed a boundarywith you?
Have they wronged you?
Is it really anger or could itbe something else altogether?
(03:59):
Are you just frustrated becauseyou have a loss of control
about a situation, right?
Do you feel rejected becausesomeone didn't acknowledge you
in a way that you wanted to beacknowledged.
Do you feel overwhelmed becauseyou have so much going on in
your life that everything comingat you at one time and that
creates a level of anger withinyou?
So it's really overwhelmed notnecessarily anger, right.
(04:23):
Do you feel manipulated?
Someone that you trusted andthen turned around, did
something you know negative,right?
So all of those things can leadto this idea of anger, but they
don't have to be anger.
It's how you have decided that,yes, this is going to be anger,
right, and so we have to noticethat.
Okay, a lot of times there's anemotion behind the anger.
(04:44):
So what can we figure out?
Is the cause of anger?
Right, we understand what thisthing is, right.
And then you understand what'syour response.
What is your normal response?
Okay, if it's yelling, can youstop yourself from yelling?
What does that look like?
If I notice that I'm angry?
Oh, wait a minute, can I stopmyself?
(05:05):
Notice that I'm angry.
Feel the anger.
It's okay to feel angry, right?
It's what you do with itafterwards that matters.
You cannot just go aroundyelling, throwing things.
You know, fighting people,right?
If your response to anger isalways fight or I'm going to run
away, or I'm just going tofreeze in this moment because
(05:26):
that's a all.
Those are very normal responsesto anger.
Okay, but how do you worktowards changing that?
But you can't change somethingyou don't pay attention to and
that's part of the problem is,right, not enough people
actually pay attention enough towant to stop and change it.
So it's important that, okay,figure out what's really
(05:48):
happening, what's going on, andthen, okay, acknowledge it.
Right, be able to say you knowwhat?
I'm angry because this personreally let me down.
I believed in who they were, Ibelieved in the situation and
they manipulated me.
So I'm really angry about that.
And you're allowed to feel thatanger, allow yourself to feel
that, but then what are yougoing to do about it next?
Are you going to set a boundarywith that person moving forward
(06:09):
, where you don't tell them yoursecrets or you don't spend time
with them?
Okay, right, that's morehealthy than I'm going to call
them up and I'm going to argueand I'm going to yell and I'm
going to have every negativeword to say to them and I'm
going to curse them out.
But you got to stop yourself atsome point, so you got to
decide.
When you decide to stopyourself, is it going to be
after the fact that you'vealready done the destructive
(06:31):
means, or is it going to be atthe point where you just
acknowledge that?
You know what?
I'm angry.
I'm not going to act in myanger, I'm just going to feel
mad.
I'm going to be angry.
Okay, whatever.
Maybe I need to go to the gymand punch some punching bags
instead, instead of going overhere and about to punch this
person's face.
That's different.
So you can still have areaction of like fights.
(06:52):
Okay, maybe that is your normalreaction.
So how do you transfer thatnormal reaction into something
that's actually going to bepositive for you?
Maybe it's your fight?
Go to the gym right, use that,get that anger out right In a
positive way instead of towardssomeone else.
So there are ways in which,when you're noticing that this
is what your response normallyis, there are ways that you,
when you're noticing that thisis what your response normally
(07:15):
is, there are ways that you canfigure out how to kind of make
them more appropriate, make themquote unquote healthy.
And so you just got to stop,though, and notice first,
because if you never stop andnotice, you'll just continue to
do the same things over and over, and over?
Speaker 2 (07:30):
What if you're on the other side?
Okay, you're having aconversation with a friend, a
spouse, and you notice that thevolume just starts getting
louder and louder, and louder.
(07:50):
How do you?
Speaker 3 (07:54):
handle that to avoid it getting to the level of anger
.
And so I would say it'simportant to keep yourself like
notice yourself, right?
Are you getting angrier asthey're getting angrier?
Two angry people have neversolved anything, right?
Even when you're talking aboutkids.
Right, you know I have aneight-year-old son.
Like this little dude willmanipulate me and dad, right,
(08:14):
you know this is what kids do doand he will make me angry.
I know that I have to be likeokay, I feel a way right now I
don't want to yell at him.
Dad, I need you to come, comehelp.
I know that's happened myhusband, and say, hey, babe, I
need you to come help with thisright now because I can't,
because I'm going to be yellingangry mommy, right, and I don't
want to be yelling angry mommy,so I need you to help.
(08:36):
So you have to notice enoughyourself to be able to say, okay
, I can't do this with you, orbe able to say, hey, I noticed
that you're upset right now.
Can you stay calm enough inthat situation?
I noticed that you're a littleupset right now because you're
raising your voice.
At least, that's how it soundsto me.
Let me know if I'm wrong.
I've noticed this going on,tell me it's making me feel
(08:58):
unsafe or it's making me feelangry.
So, using this thing called Istatements, this ability to say
I noticed that you are raisingyour voice.
Is that towards me?
Is that because you know whatis happening there, right, and
being able to say it, makes mefeel uncomfortable in that
moment.
Being able to say that in acalm state.
But you got to notice, right.
(09:20):
You have to notice yourself,because if you're just getting
angry as the person that you'renoticing getting angry, so
you're just going to match theanger.
Two angry people have neversolved anything.
So if you're both just going tobe angry, you're wasting each
other's time.
So be able to say, okay, do Ijust need to tap out of this
conversation?
Do I need to wait and have thisconversation with you later?
(09:42):
Maybe we don't need to haveanother conversation ever again
in life.
I don't know.
Right.
I think it depends on thesituation.
You have to decide what thoseboundaries are going to be when
someone comes at you with anger.
When somebody's coming at youwith anger, what are your
boundaries so that it doesn'tbecome something more than what
you want it to right?
You can't control what somebodyelse does.
(10:02):
But you can be in control ofyou and what you do and how you
decide to react.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
And so that's what I would say.
Listen, I love this great stuff.
Well, I can say that if you'rein that situation, you got to
tag in Coach Demetria.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
Okay, I'll do that for you.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
Listen, you have a wonderful day, thank you.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
Thank you for tuning in to the Dove's Inner Beauty
Podcast, where we fosteremotional awareness, one
individual at a time.
For a complimentaryconsultation, visit
DovesInnerBeautycom or call336-298-6599.
That's 336-298-6599.
Welcome to the Dove's Inner Beauty Podcast, where we
foster emotional awareness, oneindividual at a time.
Leading the way is DemetriaNickens, a certified mental
health first aid instructor andtrauma recovery coach with over
two decades of experience infostering emotional awareness in
others by engaging their mentalhealth.
Speaker 2 (00:29):
Welcome to the Dove's Inner Beauty Podcast awareness
in others by engaging theirmental health.
Anger is a natural emotion, buthow we express it can either
strengthen or damage ourrelationship and well-being.
In this episode, we're going toexplore the fine line between
healthy and harmful expressionsof anger, along with practical
ways to turn this powerfulemotion into a tool for growth
(00:51):
and understanding.
Welcome back everyone.
This is Garfield Born, co-host,slash producer, back in the
studio with the one and onlyDemetria Nickens.
Demetria, how's it going today?
Speaker 3 (01:04):
It's going well.
It's going well.
How are you?
Speaker 2 (01:06):
I got a big question for today.
You ready for it?
Speaker 3 (01:09):
I'm ready.
I'm ready.
Speaker 2 (01:11):
How can we differentiate between healthy
expressions of anger anddestructive reaction, and what
strategies can help us channelanger into a more constructive
way?
Speaker 3 (01:25):
channel anger into a more constructive way.
Such a big question, right?
So, and I want to start withanger.
Right, you started out thisconversation with this idea that
anger being an emotion.
Right, and this is how we haveto see it in order to express it
appropriately.
Right, people see anger andthey think it's the action, it's
(01:47):
the yelling.
Yelling is anger.
No, the anger is the emotion.
The yelling is how you react toit, it's your expression of
that anger, right?
So then, this idea of theexpression of anger, it is how
you show the emotion, right, theexpression is how you show it,
and so it's important thatpeople can differentiate.
Just simply that anger is theemotion first, right, it's not
(02:11):
what you do after.
Right, how you express it isthe problem.
That's healthy or,quote-unquote, destructive.
And so, when we think aboutexpression, how we move forward
in showing this thing, thisemotion, right, if you're sad,
you may cry, right, not always,but maybe.
(02:32):
So with any emotion, there'snormally something that comes
after, right?
So, in anger, there's oftenwhat we like to call these
unhealthy reactions, and so it'simportant that we really think
about how are you reacting toanger?
Right, you have to notice howyou're reacting to it and you
(02:53):
have to notice.
Is it really anger?
So the first way to reallyunderstand, right, how you are
reacting to anger is to justnotice that.
Is this even anger number one,right and number two what do you
do after, right?
What when you're angry?
What happens next?
(03:14):
What's that next thing?
Because if you never notice it,you'll just continue to do
whatever, right?
So if I'm always angry and Iyell, all right time I get angry
, that's not serving me to yellevery time I get angry.
But if you don't notice thatand be able to say, oh, I need
to fix that.
Every time I'm angry, everytime I yell because I get angry,
(03:37):
I need to fix that, you'll justcontinue to do it mindlessly,
right, it'll just continue to goon and on.
And so it's important that youstop right and really think
about well, what is it right?
What is going on?
Can and I notice enough aboutwhat this is?
Is it anger?
Has someone crossed a boundarywith you?
Have they wronged you?
Is it really anger or could itbe something else altogether?
(03:59):
Are you just frustrated becauseyou have a loss of control
about a situation, right?
Do you feel rejected becausesomeone didn't acknowledge you
in a way that you wanted to beacknowledged.
Do you feel overwhelmed becauseyou have so much going on in
your life that everything comingat you at one time and that
creates a level of anger withinyou?
So it's really overwhelmed notnecessarily anger, right.
(04:23):
Do you feel manipulated?
Someone that you trusted andthen turned around, did
something you know negative,right?
So all of those things can leadto this idea of anger, but they
don't have to be anger.
It's how you have decided that,yes, this is going to be anger,
right, and so we have to noticethat.
Okay, a lot of times there's anemotion behind the anger.
(04:44):
So what can we figure out?
Is the cause of anger?
Right, we understand what thisthing is, right.
And then you understand what'syour response.
What is your normal response?
Okay, if it's yelling, can youstop yourself from yelling?
What does that look like?
If I notice that I'm angry?
Oh, wait a minute, can I stopmyself?
(05:05):
Notice that I'm angry.
Feel the anger.
It's okay to feel angry, right?
It's what you do with itafterwards that matters.
You cannot just go aroundyelling, throwing things.
You know, fighting people,right?
If your response to anger isalways fight or I'm going to run
away, or I'm just going tofreeze in this moment because
(05:26):
that's a all.
Those are very normal responsesto anger.
Okay, but how do you worktowards changing that?
But you can't change somethingyou don't pay attention to and
that's part of the problem is,right, not enough people
actually pay attention enough towant to stop and change it.
So it's important that, okay,figure out what's really
(05:48):
happening, what's going on, andthen, okay, acknowledge it.
Right, be able to say you knowwhat?
I'm angry because this personreally let me down.
I believed in who they were, Ibelieved in the situation and
they manipulated me.
So I'm really angry about that.
And you're allowed to feel thatanger, allow yourself to feel
that, but then what are yougoing to do about it next?
Are you going to set a boundarywith that person moving forward
(06:09):
, where you don't tell them yoursecrets or you don't spend time
with them?
Okay, right, that's morehealthy than I'm going to call
them up and I'm going to argueand I'm going to yell and I'm
going to have every negativeword to say to them and I'm
going to curse them out.
But you got to stop yourself atsome point, so you got to
decide.
When you decide to stopyourself, is it going to be
after the fact that you'vealready done the destructive
(06:31):
means, or is it going to be atthe point where you just
acknowledge that?
You know what?
I'm angry.
I'm not going to act in myanger, I'm just going to feel
mad.
I'm going to be angry.
Okay, whatever.
Maybe I need to go to the gymand punch some punching bags
instead, instead of going overhere and about to punch this
person's face.
That's different.
So you can still have areaction of like fights.
(06:52):
Okay, maybe that is your normalreaction.
So how do you transfer thatnormal reaction into something
that's actually going to bepositive for you?
Maybe it's your fight?
Go to the gym right, use that,get that anger out right In a
positive way instead of towardssomeone else.
So there are ways in which,when you're noticing that this
is what your response normallyis, there are ways that you,
when you're noticing that thisis what your response normally
(07:15):
is, there are ways that you canfigure out how to kind of make
them more appropriate, make themquote unquote healthy.
And so you just got to stop,though, and notice first,
because if you never stop andnotice, you'll just continue to
do the same things over and over, and over?
Speaker 2 (07:30):
What if you're on the other side?
Okay, you're having aconversation with a friend, a
spouse, and you notice that thevolume just starts getting
louder and louder, and louder.
(07:50):
How do you?
Speaker 3 (07:54):
handle that to avoid it getting to the level of anger
.
And so I would say it'simportant to keep yourself like
notice yourself, right?
Are you getting angrier asthey're getting angrier?
Two angry people have neversolved anything, right?
Even when you're talking aboutkids.
Right, you know I have aneight-year-old son.
Like this little dude willmanipulate me and dad, right,
(08:14):
you know this is what kids do doand he will make me angry.
I know that I have to be likeokay, I feel a way right now I
don't want to yell at him.
Dad, I need you to come, comehelp.
I know that's happened myhusband, and say, hey, babe, I
need you to come help with thisright now because I can't,
because I'm going to be yellingangry mommy, right, and I don't
want to be yelling angry mommy,so I need you to help.
(08:36):
So you have to notice enoughyourself to be able to say, okay
, I can't do this with you, orbe able to say, hey, I noticed
that you're upset right now.
Can you stay calm enough inthat situation?
I noticed that you're a littleupset right now because you're
raising your voice.
At least, that's how it soundsto me.
Let me know if I'm wrong.
I've noticed this going on,tell me it's making me feel
(08:58):
unsafe or it's making me feelangry.
So, using this thing called Istatements, this ability to say
I noticed that you are raisingyour voice.
Is that towards me?
Is that because you know whatis happening there, right, and
being able to say it, makes mefeel uncomfortable in that
moment.
Being able to say that in acalm state.
But you got to notice, right.
(09:20):
You have to notice yourself,because if you're just getting
angry as the person that you'renoticing getting angry, so
you're just going to match theanger.
Two angry people have neversolved anything.
So if you're both just going tobe angry, you're wasting each
other's time.
So be able to say, okay, do Ijust need to tap out of this
conversation?
Do I need to wait and have thisconversation with you later?
(09:42):
Maybe we don't need to haveanother conversation ever again
in life.
I don't know.
Right.
I think it depends on thesituation.
You have to decide what thoseboundaries are going to be when
someone comes at you with anger.
When somebody's coming at youwith anger, what are your
boundaries so that it doesn'tbecome something more than what
you want it to right?
You can't control what somebodyelse does.
(10:02):
But you can be in control ofyou and what you do and how you
decide to react.
Speaker 2 (10:09):
And so that's what I would say.
Listen, I love this great stuff.
Well, I can say that if you'rein that situation, you got to
tag in Coach Demetria.
Speaker 3 (10:19):
Okay, I'll do that for you.
Speaker 2 (10:21):
Listen, you have a wonderful day, thank you.
Speaker 1 (10:27):
Thank you for tuning in to the Dove's Inner Beauty
Podcast, where we fosteremotional awareness, one
individual at a time.
For a complimentaryconsultation, visit
DovesInnerBeautycom or call336-298-6599.
That's 336-298-6599.
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