Episode Transcript
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Speaker 1 (00:01):
Welcome to the Dove's
Inner Beauty Podcast, where we
foster emotional awareness, oneindividual at a time Leading the
way is Demetria Nickens, acertified mental health first
aid instructor and traumarecovery coach with over two
decades of experience infostering emotional awareness in
others by engaging their mentalhealth awareness in others by
(00:30):
engaging their mental health.
Speaker 2 (00:34):
No two healing
journeys are the same.
Demetria shares how to build apersonalized emotional survival
kit tailored to your triggers,strength and daily rhythms.
Welcome back everyone.
This is Garfield Bone-Cahoslash producer, back in the
studio with Demetria Nickens,certified Mental Health First
Aid Instructor and TraumaRecovery Coach.
(00:54):
Demetria, how's it going?
So far, so good.
So, listen, how can we create apersonalized coping strategy
toolbox that fits our individualneeds and lifestyle?
Speaker 3 (01:09):
So, when you think
about a coping skills toolbox,
when you think about just havingthings ready to use, right.
When you think about a toolboxin general, right, your regular
toolbox, your wrenches, yourthings like that right.
So this idea that you havesomething ready to use when you
need it.
But if you never understand ornever know, right, when you need
(01:34):
to use a tool, then you won'thave a toolbox ready to use.
So, for me, the first step isbeing able to notice what's
happening.
Right, you have to know what isgoing on.
When you are sad, do you cry.
When you are angry, do youthrow things?
When you are, um, uh, jealous,you know, do you bust windows
(01:55):
out the car?
Right, whatever it looks like,right?
Um, being able to know yourselfenough to know that when
there's a specific emotion, whatis your natural reaction?
That kind of comes next,because you want to be able to
tailor that reaction with acoping skill.
You want to match this up,because if you don't, if you
(02:16):
notice, but then you never doanything with noticing, then
you're just going to still dothe same thing.
So feel however.
You need to feel whatever it isright, so you can be jealous,
but we don't want you bustingwindows out of cars, right?
So it's necessary that weunderstand that, okay, feel the
jealousy, it's okay.
It's okay to feel the jealousy,but what are we going to
(02:38):
replace that instant anger with?
Right?
What are you going to replacethat with?
And you replace it with acoping skill right.
What are you going to replacethat with?
And you replace it with acoping skill right.
You replace it with somethingthat says, okay, I'm not going
to do this negative reaction,I'm going to do this instead.
So does that look like?
(02:58):
I'm going to go to a fitnessgym and I'm going to box?
Right, I'm going to sit thereand I'm going to do some boxing,
because that's going to help merelease whatever this anger is
that I'm feeling?
I need to release the anger outon somebody.
If that's what you feel like,okay, don't release it out on
somebody.
Release it out on something.
Right, that's what fitnessplaces are for, right, go do Tai
Chi, go learn right, some sortof wrestling, whatever.
(03:21):
There are many, many physicalways that you can get out that
frustration.
If you feel like that's whatyou have to do, right, but do it
in a way that's positive, right.
So if you never know what it isthat, the reaction that you
have and how you react, right,then you can't pair it with the
coping skill.
So sadness, so let's take that.
(03:43):
So people say you know I cry andI don't want to be at work
crying and it's terrible.
Oh my gosh, I have to fix this.
Okay, okay, right one, we gotto be okay with crying.
It's your body saying that yougotta cry and so your body's
natural reaction.
It's a bodily natural reaction.
That's one thing.
But if you just really want tostop yourself from crying, there
(04:04):
are a couple of things you knowthat you could possibly do.
So there's a technique where if, like, you can raise your
eyebrow, like your eyes up, andit's it's not like fully up, but
like at a angled spot, and itstops tears.
It's really weird but it reallyworks.
And this idea to kind of stopthe tears for the moment, you
know this idea of like slightlylooking up and then being able
(04:26):
to replace it with a copingskill, because I just need to
cry.
So at some point I want you togo cry in the corner.
Do what you need to do, pleaseget it out.
However, if you feel like youhave to suppress, please know
that you got to find a differentcoping skill, because
suppression is just going tohurt you later.
Right, you have to findsomething else to use.
(04:46):
So you know what's that copingskill going to be.
You can't just suppress thetears forever.
So what does that look like foryou?
Is that breathing?
Is that I'm going to go for awalk?
Is that I'm going to look atpictures of the beach, because I
know water relaxes me?
Only you can tell you what yourcoping skills are going to be.
At the end of the day, whathelps you may not help someone
(05:08):
else, and so it's important toknow what your personal coping
skills are going to be.
What's in your box?
Is it box breathing?
Is it grounding?
If it is grounding, is itlooking at colors in the room?
Is it your senses?
Is it being outside in the dirt?
Is it painting?
You have to know right.
(05:29):
Is it going to ride horses?
Is it being on a farm?
Everyone is going to have vastlydifferent coping skills and we
have to be like, okay withpeople finding out what coping
skills work for them and whatdon't.
Right, I can tell you all day.
I want you to stand in themirror and use positive
affirmations to increase yourself-esteem.
(05:51):
I can tell you that all day.
But if you feel like you soundridiculous or you look
ridiculous doing it, but if youfeel like you sound ridiculous
or you look ridiculous doing it,then you're going to stop and
you're not going to do itanymore, no matter whether or
not I tell you, if you stayconsistent, it's going to help
you.
If you feel like you lookridiculous doing it, you're not
going to do it.
Right?
So you have to find what'sgoing to help you.
Maybe you're a stickers person,and as long as you buy stickers
(06:17):
that say I'm the best or thathave those positive affirmations
on it, you put stickerseverywhere then maybe that's the
way you positive affirmationCool.
Find that out, right.
What type of person are you?
And it takes some trial anderror, right?
Some people, if they just sitand breathe, that, oh, they love
it.
It is everything to them.
They have their breathing andthat just does everything it
(06:37):
needs to do.
And others, they just can't getused to it, right, like the
breathing, it's like it doesn'tdo much.
So it's important that youreally try some things out, some
trial and error, just as wethink about and I mean, I hate
to say it like this.
But just as we think aboutmedicine, right, medicine can be
very trial and error, right,like, is this medicine going to
(07:00):
work?
Maybe, right, and I'm notdowning medicine.
If you have to take medicine,I'm not downing medicine.
Please don't think I'm sayingthat at all, but it's very trial
and error, and so I'm tellingyou that coping skills are the
same.
So, being able to figure outexactly what helps you to feel
better as a person are yousomebody that just, I don't know
, likes to cook?
(07:26):
And cooking helps you to relax?
Right, be careful with cooking,because once you cook, you eat,
and then that can be a thingright but whatever the coping
skill is right, you have tofigure out like is it beneficial
for you?
right, because it's easy to donegative coping skills?
Right, it's easy to pick upnegative ones.
It's easy to pick negativecoping skills, right, it's easy
to pick up negative ones.
It's easy to pick up thesethings that aren't going to be
(07:47):
beneficial to us.
Right, it's easy to do negative.
You know I'm going to go drinkat a bar right, it's easy to go
do that, it's easy to go.
You know I'm going to go bethis person and smoke weed.
It's easy to do those things andso, but it's not going to be
effective for you in the longrun, right, and so how can you
find coping strategies that arereally going to help you versus
(08:10):
hinder you and have you doingsome more treatment down the
line?
And so it's important that wereally think through what our
toolbox is for ourselves, andthat starts with understanding
our emotion.
When we feel a way, what do wedo next?
What's our next go-to when wefeel this way?
And is that go-to positive oris it something that's going to
(08:31):
hinder us moving forward?
And if it's going to hinder us,can we try something else?
What does that look like?
Speaker 2 (08:38):
As you speak.
I'm a basketball junkie, so Iremember Kobe Bryant one time
beating up a chair and I'm likewhat's?
Speaker 1 (08:47):
going on there.
You know what?
Speaker 2 (08:48):
I mean, are there
like one or two things that
generally you know is likely towork for most people?
Speaker 3 (08:59):
I mean.
So when you think about thingslike coping skills, like you
want things that are going toregulate your nervous system so
when we are in states that areangry, jealous right, we're in
these states of heightenednervous system it's important
that we try to bring, like,what's going to help bring that
(09:22):
down right to a more regulatednervous system state.
So when we think about thingsto do that like, what are the
things that are going to make us, help, make us calm?
Is that drawing?
Is that you know, like thewhole idea of art therapy, right
?
Uh, writing poetry, um,journaling, right.
So if you're like, oh, journalis not my thing, but you feel
(09:43):
like you like rap or you likesomething, okay, well, don't
journal, write a poem, right?
You see what I'm saying.
And so it's being able to saylet's take the traditional
things and just tweak them alittle bit so that it fits who
you are and your personality.
So maybe it's not I'm sayingpositive affirmations in the
mirror to help me in myself-esteem.
Maybe it is the stickers.
(10:04):
Maybe it's not I'm sayingpositive affirmations in the
mirror to help me in myself-esteem.
Maybe it is the stickers.
Maybe it is writing on a stickynote and having them.
Maybe you know it's having thesayings on your wall.
Like I have a whole word cloudon my wall here at home, and
it's because, whenever I look atmy wall, I see positive images
and positive words and that, tome, helps me right Every single
day.
When I see love and laugh andlive on my wall, it matters to
(10:26):
me right, because that's thelife I want to live and so being
able to see that every day ishelpful.
So it's being able to say youknow what, what's going to help
me regulate my nervous system.
It doesn't have to be yourtraditional you need to breathe
and box breathe and you need totell me five things to ground
yourself.
It doesn't have to be thosethings.
Maybe it's those things, but ina different, tweaked way that
(10:49):
personalizes it to you and whoyou are.
So it's the same thing asdecreasing the nervous system,
but you just tweaked it so itfits your personality and the
person that you are.
So it's anything that's goingto help calm what we call calm
you, and it really just meansbringing your nervous system
back to a state that it'ssupposed to be in, versus the
(11:12):
heightened state that it's in,because when your nervous system
is in a heightened state.
You're not thinking correctly,like that functional thinking
brain is off, and so you wannaget that turn back on.
And you get that turn back on bytrying to calm yourself down by
coping strategies.
What are those things that workfor you?
(11:34):
What does that look like?
To calm yourself down?
Often people pets people usepets all the time.
This idea of emotional support,animals, where that idea come
from, it's a coping strategy,this idea that this coping
strategy has now helped me dowhat I need to do.
So that's all it is.
It's taking things that matterto you.
You know, are you a gardener?
Do you like flowers, getting ina garden, gardening right being
(11:56):
that, things that are going tohelp you to calm down are going
to be the things that are goingto be the most helpful in your
coping skills basket, in yourcoping skills toolbox whatever
you want to call it that you canpull out when you need it.
Speaker 2 (12:12):
I mean the way you
break it down.
It seems like everyone couldbenefit from this in terms of
this being the best versions ofthemselves, because everybody
has, you know, some upper downsand they can have something that
will mellow them out.
That's non-alcohol or drugrelated.
Right, right, love, it's alwaysbeen a pleasure.
(12:35):
We're all learning here andlistening to demetria.
You got a lot of good stuff.
Listen, you have a.
Have a wonderful, blessed day.
We'll see you on the nextepisode.
Speaker 3 (12:44):
Thank you so much.
Speaker 1 (12:47):
Thank you for tuning
in to the Doves Inner Beauty
podcast, where we fosteremotional awareness, one
individual at a time.
For a complimentaryconsultation, visit
DovesInnerBeautycom or call336-298-6599.
That's 336-298-6599.
That's 336-298-6599.