Understanding Anger: Recognizing Boundaries and Emotional Cues with Demetria Nickens

How to Recognize When Anger Signals Crossed Boundaries?

What if your anger is actually a sign that your boundaries are being crossed? Today, we unravel the hidden messages behind your emotions with the help of Demetria Nickens, a seasoned mental health first aid instructor and trauma recovery coach. In our latest episode of the Dove's Inner B.E.A.U.T.Y. Podcast, Demetria shares her invaluable insights on how to recognize and respond to the physical cues that often accompany anger, such as sweaty palms or a heated sensation in the cheeks. These bodily signals can serve as early warning systems, alerting you when something deeply important to you is under threat.

Join us as we discuss the pivotal role personal values play in triggering anger and how understanding this connection can help you better manage your emotional responses. Whether it's dealing with a disrespectful comment or navigating an unexpected financial blow, learning to identify these signs and their underlying causes empowers you to handle your anger constructively. Demetria offers practical steps to help you stay grounded and protect your emotional well-being, ensuring that you can face life's challenges with greater resilience and awareness. Tune in for an enlightening conversation that promises to equip you with the tools to safeguard your emotional boundaries.

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Episode Transcript

Speaker 1 (00:04):
Welcome to the Dove's Inner Beauty Podcast, where we
foster emotional awareness, oneindividual at a time.
Leading the way is DemetriaNickens, a certified mental
health first aid instructor andtrauma recovery coach with over
two decades of experience infostering emotional awareness in
others by engaging their mentalhealth ever feel like your

(00:34):
anger is trying to tell yousomething.

Speaker 2 (00:38):
It just might be.
Join us as we explore practicaltips with a mental health
expert on how to recognize whenyour anger is signaling that
your boundaries are beingcrossed.
Welcome back everyone.
Garfield Bowen, co-host, slashproducer, back in the studio
with Demetria Niggins.
Demetria, how are you doingtoday?

Speaker 3 (00:58):
Feeling good, feeling great.

Speaker 2 (01:01):
All right.
So, demetria, what is practicalsteps for identifying when
anger is a signal that ourboundaries are being crossed?

Speaker 3 (01:11):
So when we think about anger, right, there are
bodily signals that happenwithin our body, right when we
get upset, and whether younotice it or not, it is
happening, there's somethinggoing on.
Maybe you get sweaty palms,maybe you start to feel hot in
your cheeks, maybe who knowswhat it is right.
Maybe you feel something in thepit of your stomach, maybe your

(01:34):
leg starts to shake.
Everybody has different things,it is, but there's always a
bodily reaction when you'rethinking about, when you get
angry.
And so, when you're starting toget angry, if you start to
notice something happening right, like, oh man, like my palms
are getting sweaty or I'mfeeling kind of hot, right,

(01:56):
noticing those bodily emotionscan play a really big part in
you managing that anger that'scoming up Right, that that time
you know every time you get mad,you're going to throw something
.
Right, every time I get mad, Ijust throw something.
I can't, I can't stop myself.
Right, well, there's been aboundary that has been broken,
that you're upset, someone orsomething has crossed a boundary

(02:20):
with you.
It could be anything right.
It could be the bank tellingyou that there's not money in
the bank.
Right for you to do somethingright.
However, that could be you.
Maybe there's a value therethat you care about your money,
and so you're upset that there'sno money there.
Right, it makes sense, youcould see it happening.

(02:40):
But at the end of the day,controlling.
You can feel angry, that isacceptable.
Feel angry, that's fine, butmanage the reaction right.
And so it's important that wecan see what the bodily
sensations are that start tocome up so that, oh, every time
I get angry, I throw something.
No, maybe, every time I getsweaty palms, I start to get hot

(03:04):
, and then I pick up somethingand throw it.
So you can stop yourself beforeyou decide to pick it up and
throw it.
You just have to be willing tofeel the things in order to stop
yourself first.
And so it's important that weone recognize your values, right
.
What matters to you?
What are the things that aregoing to easily cross the

(03:26):
boundary with you, right?
Is it family?
Is it respect?
Is it acclimation, whatever?
You know, there are many thingsthat can be wrapped up in
values, right?
So what values are the thingsthat, if people cross this value
with you, it's going to makeyou upset?
Someone says something mean tomy mom.
I know like my anger goes at athousand right, because my value

(03:49):
is family right and so I knowthat I need to.
I have to manage that.
I can't just be angry and gooff on people.
I have to manage that angerright.
I have to be able to say, okay,this is what's happening,
because this is what was justsaid.
I'm getting hot, I'm gettingsweat.
Okay, I need to fix this right.
Like so what am I going to donext and really think through

(04:12):
the next action.
And so there are always signsthat come with emotion, bodily
signs that come with emotion.
We just don't ever stop and tryto with emotion, bodily signs
that come with emotion.
We just don't ever stop and tryto figure what those bodily
signs are.
And so we can really startthinking about what is my value
connected to this situationthat's happening right now?
What are the bodily signs thatare coming up for me in my body

(04:34):
that I can notice in that moment?
Can I stop and take a minute andnotice what's happening?
I can notice in that moment.
Can I stop and take a minuteand notice what's happening?
And then can I really thinkabout and manage what's going to
happen next instead of justreacting Right.
Can I be more intentional abouthow I act next instead of just
a reaction Right that I feellike I have absolutely no

(04:56):
control over Right.
We have some control.
Like I have absolutely nocontrol over right.
We have some control.
We just have to be able to stopourselves and kind of realize
these steps and then we can moveforward in the things we want
to do.

Speaker 2 (05:09):
I guess, as a guy listening and knowing that there
is a female, that when she getsanger, her hands stop sweating,
her knees stop moving.
I mean, when we see thesethings we probably run right.

Speaker 3 (05:26):
Well, you know, and maybe that's the thing you know,
letting someone know, hey, doyou know, whenever you get mad
like you're, you know you startto sweat and start to shaking
your leg, right, because, likewhen they're calm, of course,
don't say that when they'reupset, that's not going to help,
but when you're in a calmmoment and everything's okay,
you can say something like thatto a partner or a friend or

(05:47):
something, right that you knowthat this happens every time.
Maybe they don't even recognizeit and you telling them can be
really helpful to them.
So the next time it happens,they're more aware and then they
start and they're like, oh man,they were right, I do, I do
start shaking my legs and I dostart shaking when I oh right,

(06:09):
and it's going to change theentire moment.

Speaker 2 (06:10):
The next time that happens because someone made
them aware of it.
It may not be a scary movie,right, right, absolutely so.
On a serious note, how cansomebody differentiate between
healthy anger and overreaction?

Speaker 3 (06:22):
Oh man.
So it's really individualized,right, but you know, anger is a
necessary emotion, right, it isa necessary.
We all have emotions.
Our emotions are valid,necessary, they're all there.
There's not like good and bad,right, it's all necessary, it's
all telling us something aboutourselves if we're willing to

(06:44):
listen.
And so it's important that,when it gets to the point where
we call it negative, right, andI don't even like to put
negative and positive onemotions, I don't like to do it.
However, when it gets to thispoint where our reactions are
negative, it's because we're notpaying enough attention to the
emotion itself that we'refeeling, right, we're not paying

(07:07):
enough attention to what isgoing on with our emotional
well-being.
We just want to forget theemotion and push it aside and
just act, however.
Well, you know I say this a lot, but you can feel however you
want to feel.
You just can't act however, youwant to act right, and that is
the difference.
Right, people have to startseparating their emotions and

(07:31):
reactions, right?
Just because every time youfeel this, this happens, stop it
, right, like that you can, youhave control over that and
people don't recognize that.
And so, being able to startrecognizing that, feel however
you need to feel, that'swonderful.
Feel it, cry, do what you needto do Like, feel whatever you

(07:52):
need to feel is necessary tofeel.
How you react after that feelingis what matters.
Right, the reactions that takeplace are what matter, and so
that is the key to reallyfiguring it out, really saying,
ok, what is my reaction to thisemotion and can I change that?
What type of power do I haveover that?
Can I start to notice more andbe able to pay attention more so

(08:16):
that I can really fix thisthing?
Versus calling something goodor bad?
Right, emotions are not good orbad.
It happens to everyone.
All of us have them.
It's just a matter of beingable to say, well, what is my
reaction to that?
That my reaction is, quoteunquote good or bad.
And how can I fix the reactionto this emotion that I'm
experiencing over and over andover again in this negative
cycle of behavior?

(08:37):
Right, it's the behavior thathappens after the emotion, not
necessarily the emotion itself.
Stop blaming it on the emotion.
It's the action, it's theaction.
Stop blaming it on the emotion.
It's the action.

Speaker 2 (08:46):
It's the action.
Good stuff to meet.
You Listen.
You Hit it out of the box again.
Well, enjoy the rest of yourday.
We'll see you on the nextepisode.

Speaker 3 (09:00):
Thank you.

Speaker 1 (09:03):
Thank you for tuning in to the Dove's Inner Beauty
Podcast, where we fosteremotional awareness, one
individual at a time.
For a complimentaryconsultation, visit
DovesInnerBeautycom or reach outto us via email at innerbeauty
at DovesInnerBeautycom.